prologue

“The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being

unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with
medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love.
There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are
many more dying for a little love.”108

There they stood, anxiously awaiting what was to come of their first day. Some
were brilliant bordering on genius. Others, genius bordering on madness. One the
grandchild of the vice president of the United States. One the product of a one
night stand. Six had written novels. Five had perfect entrance scores. Three were
scholarship students. Two were childhood best friends. All were inwardly scared
to death.24

What had brought them together on this bright August morning was their
common status as first year students at Harvard Medical School. They nervously
gathered in Hall A to hear the welcoming address by Dean Simon Cowell. His
features, a blend of confidence and intimidation. His arrogant demeanor gave the
impression that he had been born with a gold watch and chain instead on an
umbilical cord.51

“Laur” Camila whispered as she leaned into her best friend’s side. Her hands
trembled non stop, as she tried to conceal them by shoving them into her lab coat.
“I’m scared. I don’t think I can do this. What if my best isn’t good enough?” she
uttered softly, eyes sealed to the ground. Insecurity creep over her beautiful
features, poisoning her brows, infecting her mouth by bending it into a frown.

“Hey” Lauren answered back as her right hand rested underneath Camila’s chin
forcing their eyes to meet. Her emerald eyes pierced a hole right into her soul,
exuding warmth and empathy. “Don’t be stupid, there is nothing to be afraid.
You are literally the smartest person here. Besides I’m right here. I’m always
here.” Lauren smiled as she nudged her and tugged on Camila’s long braid that
fell against the small of her back. Camila let out a sigh of relief, receiving the
comfort that she couldn’t give to herself. That is what Lauren was to her, the
security blanket that allowed her brain an unexplainable moment of peace. It
wasn’t just the words that she spoke, it was knowing that since the day they met,
Lauren had been her protector- she had the ability to sense Camila’s insecurities
and was proactive on removing the poisonous thoughts of self doubt, reminding
Camila of her best qualities and cultivating attributes that she never quite
believed herself.40

“Stand up straight, mi hija” Lauren continued, “all of these people are your
competition. Trust none of them. We are in med school now. Don’t show your
nerves to these bitches. They’ll attack you like a wolf going after a lamb. Bunch
of puntas” Lauren grumbled as she rolled her eyes at the bubbly girl dressed in
neon pink that stood next to her. Lauren has a thing against preppy girls, it
nauseated her.  The girl sensed Lauren’s piercing eyes on her and eagerly waved
hi. Her white teeth almost outshined the bedazzled nametag on her lab coat that
read Ally. Lauren cut her eyes away, not even attempting to acknowledge Ally’s
act of kindness. Camila, feeling sorry for what transpired, gave her a small smile
before focusing her attention back to Dean Cowell. 81

Dean Cowell did not have to call for quiet. He smugly smiled and the students
hushed.

“Ladies and Gentleman” he began, “you are collectively embarking on a great

journey to be the frontiers of medical knowledge- which is where you will begin
your own individual explorations in the uncharted territory of suffering and
disease. One of you” as his eyes scanned the room of prospective students “may
find a cure to AIDS, leukemia, diabetes…”48
He took a perfectly timed dramatic pause. And with a sparkle in his brown eyes
he added, “Perhaps even the common cold.” 3

There was an appreciative laughter. Then the dark haired dean lowered his head,
perhaps to signify that he was deep in thought. Lauren and Camila waited in
suspense. When at last he finally looked up and began to speak again, his voice
was softer, an octave lower.3

“Let me conclude by disclosing a secret- as humbling for me to reveal as for you

to hear.” He turned and wrote something on the whiteboard behind him. Two
simple digits- the number 26. Camila’s bewildered eyes locked with Lauren as
she responded with a shrug. Cowell waited for the room to settle and gazed
straight into the spellbound classroom.1

“Students, I urge you to engrave this on the template of your memories: there are
thousands of diseases in this world, but Medical Science only has an empirical
cure for twenty-six percent of them. The rest is… just guesswork. We look for
medicine to be an orderly field of knowledge and procedure. But it is not. It is an
imperfect science, an enterprise of constantly changing knowledge, uncertain
information, fallible individuals, and at the same time lives on the line. There is
science in what we do, yes, but also habit, intuition, and sometimes plain old
guessing. The gap between what we know and what we aim for persists. And this
gap complicates everything we do. Welcome to Harvard.” 67

And that was all. WIth military posture and athletic grace, he strode off the
podium and out of the room.3

Camila turned to Lauren, already feeling depleted of what little sense of security
she had left. Before she could even muster words together, Lauren reached out,
taking hold of her hand, interlocking her fingers through Camila’s. Lauren smiles
at her,a smile that lights up the room and fills the darkest dwellings with a
beautiful glow that radiates from her. A smile from Lauren can be a rare thing,
but when she gifts it to you, it makes you feel warm.

“I’m right here. I’m always here. Let’s do this together.”

Capitulo 1

“Friends are the family we choose”31

The Jauregui’s moved in during the last week of May, and by June, Camila and
Lauren were inseparable. They lived on Miranda Drive, a small cul-de-sac on the
outskirts of the bustling city of Miami. Seven year old Camila sat on a cold
wooden floor playing with her new Ariel doll while Part of Your world played in
the background. Up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all
day in the sun, Wandering free, wish I could be, part of that world, she sang
softly while she twirled her doll around in endless circles. 43

Her “concert” was interrupted by loud truck backing into the driveway of the
deserted house across the street. It was such an unexpected sound that Camila
paused and stood by the window as she watched a young family begin to move
boxes into the house. Running around the front lawn was a vibrant little girl who
looked about her age. She had long messy hair held in check by black leather
headband, milky porcelain skin, and high cheekbones that slashed above her tiny
chin. She heard her mother’s footsteps coming up behind. 2

“Gracias a Dios” Sinu exclaimed “they have finally sold that house. That thing
was starting to become an eyesore. Look!” she pointed “They have a little girl
your age. Go over and say hi Mila.”11

Camila’s gaze turned back towards the vibrant little girl. She seemed brighter
somehow than everything else in this now faded world. Camila suddenly
understood the meaning behind the song she sang earlier, feeling that desperate
desire to be a part of this little girl’s world. 12

“I made a flan for dinner but we’ll give it to them instead. Carry it over and
introduce yourself” her mother explained. 46

“By myself?’ Camila nervously asked, pushing her black rimmed glasses back up
into place.16

“Yes Mila” as her mother pushed her towards the door. 4

“But…” Camila tried to think to an excuse, anything that would get her out of
this.There were people for whom talking to strangers came easily. Then there
were people like Camila who had to plan out what she would say in advance and
rehearse it five times and still wound up dry-mouthed and stammering, when the
moment arrived. That new girl wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like
her; she seemed much cooler and confident. The thought of the new kid rejecting
her mortified Camila. She followed her mom to the kitchen as she watched her
mother throw aluminum foil across the top of flan, curled the edges down and
placed the platter carefully into Camila’s hands. 8
“Be careful, mi hija” Sinu said as she watched her daughter slowly make her way
towards the house across the street. She whispered a silent prayer in in her heart,
hoping that her painfully shy child would make a friend. 28

“H-hi” Camila stammered in a nervous, squeaky voice . “My mom made you
guys this flan”.26

A tall woman dressed in a light blue dress walked towards her and retrieved the
dish from the little one’s hands. She had dull grey eyes, a dullness as if she
needed glasses and didn’t have them, but even so she was pretty in the sharp,
brittle kind of way.2

“Thank you!” She said as she peaked beneath the foil. “This looks so good and
smells delicious. Tell your parents I said thank you.”

And suddenly coming around the front gate, sweeping through, moving with the
grace and confidence that was more for a movie star rather than a child. In denim
cutoff shorts and a button up white shirt tied in the front, she shook her thick
brown hair and gathered it up into a ponytail. 22

“Hi!” Her voice low and husky as she pushed the hair that escaped from the
ponytail behind one ear. “My name is Lauren.” 13

“I’m Camila” the younger one responded trying to sound as bold as the older girl.
“I live over there” as she pointed the small green house across the street. 2
“Do you want to play Doctor? My Papi is a doctor and he gave me all of his old
instruments. You can be my patient.” Without waiting for an answer, she grabbed
her arm and walked Camila into the garage.  “Okay, sit right there and I’ll
examine you.”149

Lauren grabbed a black tattered bag from the shelf and spilled out its contents
onto the floor. She picked up a stethoscope and carefully placed the tips into her
ears.1

“What’s that for?” Camila asked.

“It’s helps me listen to your heart.”

“My heart? My heart can talk?”42

“Yes! Papi says that the heart has secrets that the mouth refuses to utter.I don’t
know what that means but it sounds cool.” Lauren pressed the end of the
stethoscope against Camila’s chest and leaned in. The older girl ran her tongue
along the jagged ridges of her front teeth and furrowed her brows in
concentration. “Stay still, Camila. It’s hard to listen when you fidget.” 64

For a minute they just looked at each other, Lauren’s eyes bore into Camila’s-
they were incisive, clear and sparkled like crystal water. Lauren’s eyes
mesmerized her, she couldn’t move. Camila’s heart began pounding impossibly
fast, racing so quickly that she tried a few deep breaths to steady the beat. 41

“We should be best friends.” Lauren smiled as she said it. “I make your heart
race so that means we are meant to be friends forever. It means you love me” 242

“But don’t even know you. How can I love someone I don’t know?” Camila
replied as she tilted her head in curiousity. 12

“Can you explain how magic works?” she answered back. 11

“Um, well no. It just happens”

“Well love is the closest thing to magic and you can’t explain it. Your heart told
me that we’re BFFs and your heart can’t lie.” 137

Camila raised her hand to her head, her silver bracelets clinked as they slid down
her arm, contemplating this new revelation. . “I’ve always wanted a best friend.”
she said softly, trying to hide a smile that tried to creep over.

“Me too.” Lauren replied with a huge grin. “You’re the one I’ve been looking
for.”133

Camila recognized the line from her favorite movie The Little Mermaid  and
squealed “I can’t believe you know that line” unable to contain her excitement, as
she pulled Lauren into a hug. “Now all we need is a best friend’s handshake. I’ve
always wanted to have one. We need one. Please” Camila excitedly rambled
on.14

“Okay, okay. How about we wiggle our fingers at each other?” Lauren
suggested.114

“Like this?” as Camila extended her hands and rapidly wiggled her fingers
against Laurens. “Oh and we should link our pinkies together and we both kiss
our thumbs at the same time.”58

They repeated the movement several times until it was perfected. They had spent
the rest of the afternoon playing hopscotch, eating snacks, reading to each other.
They talked about clothes, music and school. Some moments were filled with a
comfortable silence, other times they couldn’t stop chatting. They were so
different yet so similar.10

“Lauren! It’s time to wash up. Dinner is almost ready” Mrs Jauregui came out to
the garage, wiping her hands on her apron.

“Mami” Lauren grumbled “I want to hang out with Camila”. She crossed her
arms in front of her chest and sighed.

“Lauren Michelle, say goodnight. You’ll see her tomorrow. Vamanos”55

They both stood up as Lauren walked her new best friend down the driveway.
They exchanged their BFF handshake and Camila started to head back home.
“Wait!” Lauren yelled out as she ran after her. “will we still be friends
tomorrow?”46

Camila didn’t know which surprised her more: the question or the vulnerability
in Lauren’s eyes.

“Of course. You’re my person now. Always.”188

“Promise?” Lauren replied, too choked with relief to say more.

Camila couldn’t help but smile “Promise.”

“Is she nice, Mila?” Sinu asked as she met her daughter at the front door.

“Yes, Mami. Like she’s so cool and she wants to do sleepover tomorrow night.
Only if that’s okay with you?” Camila rambled “Mami, did you know that girls
have vaginas and boys have a penises?’291

A teacher by profession, Sinu was all in favor of enriching her daughter’s

vocabulary. But she was taken aback by her newest verbal acquisition.
“Who told you about penises and vaginas?” she asked as matter-of-factly as she
could.12

“Lauren did. Her dad is a doctor and we looked at pictures from his old
schoolbook. Mami, did you know that penises look like sink faucets?” Camila
asked innocently.263

Sinu was at a loss for words. She merely lead her daughter inside and wondered
how much more Lauren taught her daughter.6

That evening, her parents noticed a difference in Camila. She wasn’t her usual
quiet self. Instead, she couldn’t shut up. Story after story spilled out of her. She
was goofy, pretentious and even confident.7

Long after her parents had gone to bed, Camila lay in bed awake, too wound up
over the events of that day. She couldn’t wait for the sleepover that they would
have the next day. They could watch Little Mermaid or play CandyLand, or paint
each others nails. They could-8

Tap,Tap,Tap44

The sound of the rock hitting the window startled her. She threw the covers back
and hurried to the window, shoving it open. Lauren stood in her front yard,
holding her bike beside her.52

“Come on,Camila” she whispered, making a hurried gesture with her hand.
“You want me to sneak out?” Camila stammered as she nervously bit the bottom
of her lip. Camila had never done anything like that, but she couldn’t act like a
nerd now. She wanted to be cool like Lauren and cool kids broke the rules and
sneaked out of the house. Everyone knew that. Camila didn’t care about the
trouble she could get into if she had been caught. What mattered was Lauren. 76

“I’m coming, buttface.” she affectionately called. Closing the window, she crept
around her room and changed out of her spongebob jammies and replaced them
with black tights and an oversized sweater. She crept the hall and as she passed
her parent’s bedroom, her heart was pounding so badly that she could hear it in
her ears.30

At the back door she paused just long enough to think, I could get I trouble for
this, and then she opened the door.1

Lauren was there, waiting. Besides her was the most amazing bike Camila had
ever seen. It was bright red, with curved handlebars, and  her name inscribed
along the side.

“My parents got it for me. Do you like it?”

“Wow. It’s amazing” she said “It’s not even your birthday. Do they always spoil
you?” Camila asked with a bit of jealousy in her voice.

“Nope. They give me gifts because they feel guilty” Lauren said. 19
“Guilty?”

Lauren’s eyes turned a darker shade. “Let’s take it for a ride” she replied,
avoiding the question.8

Camila climbed onto the handlebars, as they rode down the wet, bumpy driveway
to the paved road. They rode towards the top of the hill at the end of the street.
Camila placed her hands over Lauren’s and gripped down. They crested the hill
as if they were flying. Camila’s hair whipped back from her head. Stars glittered
the the velvet black sky. Lauren lenaed back and put her arms out. Laughing, she
gestured for Camila to do the same.15

“Try it, Camila”

“I can’t! We’re going too fast. It’s dangerous. I’ll get hurt”

“Live a little. God hates cowards” Then quietly she added, “Trust me.” 26

Now Camila had no choice. Trust was part of being friends and she wanted to
prove her loyalty to her best friend. Taking a deep breath, she eased her arms out.
Lauren wrapped one arm around Camila’s waist, attempting to steady her. 6

“Lauren, I’m flying. It feels like I’m flying!” She laughed out into the night.
Before she could enjoy the euphoric feeling of sailing through the night, the bike
hit a small rock and bucked them both off into the air. The pavement rushed up,
smacked her hard, and she skidded across the gravel. 64

“CAMILA” Lauren yelled as she ran over to her friend. Camila winced in pain as
she tried to get up. She felt blood spilling from her chin. Lauren pulled off her
jacket and held a gentle pressure against Camila’s chin. “I’m so sorry. Shit. I
know that’s a bad word. But shit!”86

Camila’s bottom lip trembled as she tried to be brave but the pain overtook her.
She lay her head against Lauren’s chest and began whimper. The tears stung the
wound on her chin, which caused her to cry harder. She felt her chin, it was
tender- she could feel where the asphalt had ripped off her skin.

“Now I’m uglier than before” Camila wailed, “I have a gash on my face,
Lauren.”7

“Camila, you could never be ugly, even if you tried. Plus-” Lauren said trying to
calm her friend down, “Now you have a cool story to tell. Every kid is scared to
ride down that hill. And you did it, Camzi. Now you have a story when people
ask how you got that scar on your chin. You’re lucky. I don’t have any cool
scars.”58

“I guess you’re right.” Camila said, the tears slowing down and breathing
becoming steady. Camila felt like a different girl- bolder, braver, willing to try
anything.  Lauren shivered next to her, and inched herself closer to her buddy.
The world was so still and silent, it was as if the breeze had drawn in its cool
breath and left them all alone in stillness. 6

“We’re still friends, right?”7

Camila heard something in her friend’s voice, a sadness that she didn’t
understand. She turned sideways. Lauren was staring up at the sky.

“Of course. You’re still my person. Always.” Camila answered with confidence,
wanting Lauren to believe, wanting that question to never be uttered again. “Why
are you sad?”2

“My little brother is sick. Really sick. They say it’s cancer.” After a long pause,
she said, “I have nightmares about people leaving me. My parents are always
with Chris at the hospital. I never see them. Sometimes I think that they wished I
was sick instead of Chris. I think they love him more.” Tears stung her eyes,
blurred her vision. “I try to be strong but sometimes I so tired” she choked out. “I
feel like I’m moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast
… and I just want to go back to when things were normal.” Her words far too
eloquent and mature for an eight year old. 82

Camila hugged her. Lauren let herself be comforted, for the first time in a long
time. Camila smoothed the hair off Lauren’s forehead in a touch as familiar as
breathing. Camila wished she knew what to say but her seven year old brain
couldn’t muster words together. Before now, her biggest problem was deciding
what color to paint her room.2
“Life sucks sometimes” Camila said as she mindlessly twirled Lauren’s hair
through her fingers. “I’m sorry.”

“It does. But it’s better now that I have you. I don’t feel lonely anymore.”

Camila smiled. “Cause you’re not. I’m here now. I’m always here.” 11

No matter how strong or weak they felt, they were now bonded together. One
soul existed in two bodies. The ties that bind one are sometimes impossible to
explain. They connect them, even after it seems like the ties should be broken.
Some bonds defy distance. And time. And logic. Because some ties are simply
meant to be. They needed each other.2

Especially after Christopher died.

Capitulo 2
The year was 1995: the year that Alanis Morrissette dominated airways, Toy
Story became the first wholly computer generated movie, the year of the tragic
Oklahoma city bombing, the year that OJ Simpson was found innocent. That year
was also the year that Lauren and Camila both graduated middle school and
would enter the crazy world that was called high school. Although Camila was
barely a teen, her intelligent mind propelled her into a straight A student, so
intelligent that she had skipped eighth grade entirely and was the youngest
freshman to enter Lakeside High School. It was great news for both of them,
being that they would share classes for the first time in their lives. Lauren and
Camila spent every waking and non-waking moment together. Lauren was more
confident, able to make friends fast, where Camila leaned on the shy side,
hanging back from the crowd, much more satisfied if her head was lost in a book.
She was forever known as “Lauren’s best friend” and that was okay. Although
Camila had gorgeous features, she was still stuck into an awkward, tween phase.
Days before her 13th birthday and she still had mosquito bites as boobs and
stupid, red pimples that ruined her tanned complexion. She was like an outline of
a beautiful painting, all the standard features were drawn out but puberty and
time had yet to fill in the vibrant pieces that would make her stunning. 60

That year, Lauren transitioned out of her awkward pre-pubescent phase and
became beautiful. Almost overnight, her bony shoulders disappeared- as if some
supernatural angel smoothed them while she slept. At the same time, her high
facial bones became more prominent. And her tomboyish gait acquired a sinuous,
graceful sensuality. Yet while filling out in all the right places, she seemed to
remain as slender as ever. She also dyed her hair red, an act of rebellion against
her parents for the lack of time that they spent with her. Camila help pick out the
color, she secretly wanted Lauren to look like Ariel, her favorite character from
The Little Mermaid. Her hair was auburn and deep wine mixed with striking red
streaks that made her green eyes seem almost luminous. 50

Even her father, who seldom paid attention to anything other than Christopher,
remarked one evening at dinner “Lauren looks like a woman now, Clara” he said
to his wife. “Have you had the “woman” talk with her yet?”

“No, Michael” Clara responded with slight indignation. “Having a child with
Leukemia doesn’t necessary leave enough time for that. It stinks but Chris’s
needs trumps Lauren’s at the moment. Lauren is almost fourteen. I’m sure if she
had any questions, she’d asked me. Or better yet, she would ask Sinu.” 
“Thank God for the Cabellos” Michael replied as he took a sip of his coffee. 

Clara nodded her head in agreement. Clara was especially grateful that their
families had become so close -the only other relative she had in America was her
sister, who lived in Orlando, three hundred miles away. Now it was much easier
to send Lauren to the Cabello household rather than shipping her away to
Orlando whenever Christopher had a complication with his treatments.

Clara glanced up to a picture on top of the fireplace mantel. Her young family
standing in front of the Grand Canyon- Mike standing tall, sucking his potbelly
in, six-year old Lauren stood in the middle- her hands on her hips, laughing at
joke Mike probably whispered before the camera flashed. Little three-year old
Christopher shyly smiled -his long, dark locks framed around his tiny, fair-
skinned face as he lay in Clara’s arms. They all looked happy, standing there in
the sunshine, the sky spread out blue and forever in the distance. A family she
could no longer remember except to be reminded of it’s existence through 8x10
frame that was attached to the wall. Their last vacation before they found out that
her dear son Christopher was dying of an aggressive form of cancer.

"I’m sorry, Mrs. Jauregui…. It’s stage four… very aggressive… it’s already
spread…"1

What was supposed to be a routine appointment turned into a nightmare. Mike

and Clara laid awake all night, holding each other, crying, praying, promising
each other they’d get through it. Mike curled his arms around her and held
Clara tightly. 

“I have to tell them. I have to tell Lauren.” she choked out. “Her little brother is
her world. Ay Dios, her poor heart. They are only six and three years old. This is
too much for them to handle. She’ll be devastated.” Mike held her tighter.

“We have to stay strong for them, mi corazon” Mike replied, loosening his hold
just enough to look at her. “You have to keep it together or you’ll terrify them.”

“How can I keep it together? My son is dying, Our son, he’s dying.” Her voice
caught on that, fear was a crack in the road that tripped her up. She collapsed
into her husband’s arms and sobbed with a heart-wrenching, indescribable
sound.

Hours later, when Clara settled down, Mike called out for his children. Lauren
and Chris rushed into the room together, fighting with plastic swords, laughing.

“Take that, Tinkerbell,” Chris said, as he swung his sword into the air.

“Take that, Peter Pan,” Lauren giggled, pretending to stab her brother.

“Kids, settle down” Mike said, as he gestured for them to sit on the bed. “Your
mother and I need to talk to you.”+

Both children crawled onto the bed, Chris taking his place next to his sister as
Lauren wrapped her arm protectively around his shoulder.

“Remember when I took Chris to the doctor’s office on Friday” Clara began,
feeling the acceleration of her heartbeat and slight lightheadedness that
accompanied it. Clara squeezed her husband’s hand. “Well, Christopher is
sick.”
Both of her children looked at her confused.

“Um… Don’t worry” Mike interrupted. “They are going to operate on him and
give him a bunch of medicine, and he’ll feel better. He won’t get as tired as he
does now. And he’ll get to run after you all day, Lauren. He’ll be fine” Mike’s
voice cracking while he said those final words, a solitary tear escaped down his
face.

“If he’s gonna to be fine, then why are you crying?” Lauren asked, her gaze
steady and earnest and a little bit afraid. “This isn’t fair! He’s just a little boy.
It’s not fair” Lauren said with anger and hurt curled in her voice. 

Clara understood Lauren’s logic perfectly. It wasn’t fair. Her son was innocent,
blameless like a lamb. He didn’t deserve this.

Lauren looked up at her father with a furrowed brow. “Promise me, Papi” she
said with urgency, “Promise me that you’ll fix him. You’re a doctor. You have to
fix my brother. I need him” Lauren’s mouth began to quiver, wringing her hands
together as she moved towards her father. 

“Honey” Clara said “We can’t promise …”

“I promise you, mi preciosa” Mike interrupted as pulled his daughter onto his
lap.”I promise on my life, I’ll fix him.” Christopher followed suit and they both
hugged their father tight.

“Papi” Chris softly whispered to his dad “You’re my hero. You’re going to save
me. I just know it.” 
Lauren snuggled close to her brother, and whispered into his ears “I’ll take care
of you, Christopher.”

Seven years later, Clara woke up to another battle to keep her son alive. “One
more day.” she pleaded to God every morning “Give him one more day.”
They’ve drained their savings to pay for treatment after treatment. And everyday
Christopher got sicker, faded a little more until one day, her worst fear being that
she would no longer see her son.

It was the Saturday morning of Labor Day weekend. Mrs. Cabello had become
accustomed to setting an extra place at the table, and to making extra sandwiches.
Camila loved ham and cheddar on rye but Lauren loved Nutella on white; so she
obliged to making both.

“Girls! Arriba. Lunch is ready” Sinu announced while adding her finishing
touches to each sandwich.

It was past noon and they were still in bed: the result of staying up till three am
perfecting the dance moves to NSYNC’s latest music video. Lauren lay there
waiting for her eyes to adjust to the sliver of light that peaked through from
behind the curtains. For a moment, still warmed and comforted by sleep, she
stared at the ceiling thinking about the day that lie ahead. Tonight was the long
awaited freshman dance, the first one of the school year. There was so much to
left to do- Camila needed silver shoes to match her dress, corsages needed to be
picked up, and her hair need to washed and straightened which was a four hour
task by itself.
Lauren groaned and rolled over, trying to ward off the day. Camila was still fast
asleep, unlike Lauren, she had to be coaxed gently out her dreams. Lauren edged
herself onto her back and turned her head to look at her best friend. Most of
Camila’s face was in the shadows, just the tiniest slice of light picked out one
corner of her eye, the curve of her jaw, and the corner of her mouth. She looked
at peace, she looked like an angel. Lauren traced Camila’s jawline over a faded
scar with the pad of her thumb. Her eyelashes fluttered with each breath that she
took. A riot of curled, chestnut hair spilled across the pillow that they shared.
Although Camila had an extra bed in her room, they always ended up sharing the
same twin bed out of habit and comfort. Camila’s arm splayed across Lauren’s
chest, pinning her in one position against the mattress.

“Ninas, don’t make me come up there!” Sinu warned “I’ll splash cold water like I
did last week, chicas perezosas.”

Lauren tried to leap out of bed, desiring to avoid Sinu’s threat, but she discovered
that her limbs were so tangled in Camila’s legs that it seemed impossible to
move.

“Camzi” Lauren affectionately called her, ”time to wake up.” Lauren snuggled
into Camila’s side as she took hold of her hand; her fingers long and thin and
strong. Camila curled into a little ball, trying to avoid the inevitable new day.
They had been silent for a slight moment, seeming to slot perfectly together in
the narrow bed like a pair of puzzle pieces. Lauren leaned over and peppered
kisses across Camila’s neck and face. They were always affectionate with each
other, especially in the morning. There was something lovely about started a
brand new day with her person by her side.
“Camz, I know you’re awake “ as she folded her arms around Camila’s waist.
“Aren’t you excited about today?” she said softly as she nuzzled her nose against
Camila’s cheek. “Aren’t you excited about showing off your new dance moves?
Aren’t you excited about your first official date with Harry?”

A small smile lifted the corners of Camila’s mouth as she began to stretch out her
legs. She raised her arms up over her head, and finally squinted her eyes open.
Her small, freshly manicured hands came down to rub her eyes as she yawned
before meeting Lauren’s gaze.

“Good morning, sunshine” Lauren said.

“Morning, Lo” she replied, her voice still raspy and groggy from sleep. Lauren
sat up and started to leave to the bed when Camila grabbed her arm. “Wait,
where’s my morning hug?” she whimpered with her bottom lip poked out, her
warm brown eyes bright with hope.

Lauren grabbed a pillow and threw it at Camila, snickering. She staggered toward
to dresser. She opened Camila’s top dresser drawer and pulled out a pair of shorts
and a vintage Guns N’ Roses t-shirt. She stepped out of her pajamas and began to
dress herself in Camila’s clothes.

“Ouch, the harsh sting of rejection.” Camila scowled. “You deny me from
morning lovin’ and to make it worst, you steal my clothes on top of that. You are
a harsh bitch, Lauren Jauregui.” Camila crossed her arms, a grin creeping across
her lips.

“You know you love me” Lauren smiled, throwing a sweatshirt and jeans
towards Camila “Get dressed, Camz. We have a lot to do today.” Lauren rushed
towards the door, heading to the bathroom. On her way out of the room, she
stubbed her toe on the dresser. The pain shot from her toe up to her lower leg.
“Shit-fucking-shit” she initially yelled out in pain.

“Aw poor baby” Camila said sarcastically. “That’s what you get for denying me
some morning lovin.” She slapped Lauren’s butt as she walked past her, into the
bathroom.

“Wait, I need the bathroom. I was headed there first” Lauren grumbled as she
followed the younger one, hopping on one foot.

“Well, I’m just brushing my teeth” Camila defensively replied as she eyed
herself in the mirror, her hair looking like it had been attacked by vicious pillow
gnomes. Lauren walked right behind, pulling her shorts down as she rushed to
the toilet. She sat down and her face flooded with relief. “Lo, what time are the
boys picking us up today?” Camila asked.

“They’re not picking us up” Lauren said. “We’re meeting them at the hospital.
Chris wants to meets our dates before they take us anywhere.He made me
promise to come by.” Lauren stood next to Camila and nudged her aside. “Move
over, you’re taking up all of the space.” She said jokingly while washing her
hands.

“Chris is going pulverize Harry and Zayn”, Camila chuckled, nudging Lauren’s
side with her elbow. “He can be pretty intimidating for a ten year old.”

Her smile widen, “That’s my brother. He’s one tough nugget. Chris has been
through more in the past seven years than I will ever go through in a lifetime.” 
Camila nodded in agreement. Lauren picked up a brush and started to attack the
knots in Camila’s hair. 

“Mami says they are trying another interferon treatment. I hope it helps this
time.” Camila said quietly, her worried eyes shifted to the floor.

A flash of hurt crossed Lauren’s eyes. She paused before she answered back.
“I’m so fucking tired of him being stuck in that cold, dreaded hospital. I miss
him. His home is with me. He needs to come home.” Lauren tensed up behind
Camila for a slight second as she sighed and shook her head. Her defeated tone
tugged at the younger one’s heart. Camila turned towards Lauren, wrapping her
arms around the older one, holding her close.

“I’m so sorry, Lo.” Tears began to well in her eyes but she refused to let them
spill. Stay strong for Lauren is what Camila reminded herself.

“I know you are, Camz.” Lauren squeezed Camila tight before letting her go.
Lauren continued to brush Camila’s hair as she nervously fidgeted and bit her
nails. Lauren knew that the whole “Christopher” topic scared Camila. Camila,
being the perfectionist that she was, always wanted to fix things. She hated
feeling helpless, knowing that Christopher’s illness was something that she
couldn’t just fix. 

Lauren changed the topic in an attempt to put the younger one at ease. “So… you
and Harry? Aren’t you excited?” She finished brushing Camila’s hair, pulling it
to the side with a french braid. 
“Wait, um… about tonight” Camila said referring to the dance, her voice low and
hollow “What if Harry wants to end the night with a kiss? You know I’ve never
done anything like and um… I’m kind of nervous about it, ya know.” Nibbling
her bottom lip, her hands fumbling with the hem of Lauren’s t-shirt.

Lauren pulled her red hair back behind her head, gathering it in her hands, which
meant she was thinking.

“Do you want me to teach you?” Lauren asked in a serious tone.

“What? No. That’s weird. And ludicrous. And gay. Yes, really gay.” Camila
retorted unconvincingly. She scratched her head, knowing that Lauren viewed it
as a serious question.

“Camz, it’s not gay if we don’t feel anything for each other. It’s just a teaching
opportunity. Do you know the type of reputation you’ll get for being a bad
kisser? It follows you forever” Lauren gave her a look as she tilted Camila’s face
towards her. “You don’t want to be known as the girl who sloppily twirls her
tongue like a fish.” Camila listened intently, eyebrows pinched together, lips
pursed.

“No, I guess not”  she replied, feeling color blossom on her cheeks. She cleared
her throat. “You’ve had a lot of experiences so you must be good.”

Lauren began to giggle uncontrollably, leaning back with her hands over her
mouth. She laughed as though Camila said something wildly amusing. “You
make me sound like a slut, little one.” Camila shrugged, keeping her lips pressed
together trying to keep herself from laughing, as she sat on the bathroom counter
in front of Lauren. She drew her feet up onto the counter and wrapped her arms
around her legs.

“Okay, first rule is to start with a soft peck. You have to let things build. Don’t
start by sticking your tongue down his throat.” Lauren stepped forward and put
her right hand on the small of Camila’s back. She looks at the younger one for a
moment before leaning in and pressing her lips against Camila’s, a light but soft
peck on the lips.

 Camila’s eyes widened and she gulped as she stuttered “W-wow, that was kinda
nice.”

“Don’t go gay on me now.” Lauren teased as she raised her eyebrows, her green
eyes twinkled with mischief. Camila punched her playfully and pouted. “Aw, I’m
sorry baby. I’ll be nice. No more jokes, I promise.” Lauren said tugging the
younger one’s braid affectionately. 

“Lauren” Camila complained, lifting her eyes to focus on her friend. “Just kiss
me and critique me afterwards. This is awkward enough without you dragging it
out” she protested.

“Okay fine” Lauren replied, she narrowed her emerald eyes in concentration.
Lauren’s lips meet with Camila, they were warm and soft as they played gently
against Camila’s. Lauren nibbled Camila’s bottom lip and she gasped, opening
her mouth just enough for Lauren’s tongue to slide in. Her tongue began to stroke
against Camila’s. The younger one’s tongue cautiously touched Lauren, realizing
that Lauren’s mouth was sweeter than anything she’s ever tasted. Her lips were
plump and soft and so damn hot. Camila muffled a moan, careful for it not to slip
away.Camila hungrily wanted more, deepening this kiss. But Lauren broke away,
as a smirk played across her lips. Camila ran her hand through her bangs,
noticing for the first time a small mole on the Lauren’s cheek that almost looked
ornamental, as if it had been dotted there by a makeup artist looking for exactly
the right effect. Why, she wondered, did she see that now? 

Lauren infringed on her thought process saying “You’re good. Slow down and do
something with your hands, maybe rub them through his hair. Those are my only
critiques.”32

Their eyes met and held for a moment before Lauren glanced away. Camila felt
herself exhale- she didn’t even realize she’d been holding her breath. With that,
Lauren flipped her hair over her shoulders, and sashayed out to the bathroom.
The sight of all that red hair cascading over her shoulders as her hips glided into
a rhythmic beat, (which they’ve aptly named called the “Lauren walk).

Camila blushed as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. “Wow” she
whispered to herself in a faltering voice, her fingers lingered on her lips, trying to
make sense of what just took place. Camila’s stomach fluttered with butterflies
when she thought about her first kiss. She tried to ignore the erratic way her heart
was beating, the stagnated pattern of her breathing.She’s my friend, she
thought. My best friend. Right? She held her breath trying to fight back this
ridiculous feeling of infatuation towards her best friend. Closing her eyes to try to
focus on something else, but there is nothing. All she can think of is the kiss and
how it made her feel. Made her feel like she could live in that moment for a
thousand years. Camila bite her bottom lip, frustrated that she feeling this way.
The whole thing, she suddenly decided, was preposterous. A bunch of nonsense.
She buried those thoughts away, feeling foolish for thinking of her friend in a
different light.8
“Camila, vamos” Lauren shouted, interrupting her thoughts. “Come eat or Mami
Sinu will come after you.” She warned as she descended down the stairs.

“Buenas tardes, Mami Sinu” Lauren announced as she walked into the kitchen.
“Sorry for running so la-”  Lauren stopped in her tracks when she saw Sinu, her
face void of all color, her hands clinging onto the kitchen counter as if it was the
only thing that kept her standing. There was a terrible blankness in Sinu’s eyes,
and Lauren knew that this was big, whatever it was.

“Lauren.” Sinu said quietly, with her voice cracking. “It’s Christopher. His health
has declined. We have to leave to the hospital now. We don’t have much time.”

The room seemed very small suddenly and cramped. Lauren’s throat swelled as
she gasped for air. She took a couple steps back, slightly shaking her head in
disbelief. He’s fine, she thought. I saw him yesterday. We played Mario Kart 46.
He laughed. He said I was his favorite sister. I joked and said that it doesn’t
count because I was his only sister. He shook his head and told me that it didn’t
matter. 

Lauren felt a light tap on her shoulder and she looked up and saw Camila
standing there, glassy-eyed, her hands fixing into fists at her side. They came
together as naturally as wind and rain, clinging to each other, bonded by invisible
threads of their mutual concern.

“My baby brother… I can’t save him” Lauren whispered against her ear, her
voice as vulnerable as she felt.
 Chapter 3
The drive to the hospital seemed to last forever. All the way there, through the
stop-and-go traffic, Lauren sat in the backseat of Mrs. Cabello’s car and prayed
that Christopher would be okay. Her mind flooded with memories of her little
brother. A particular memory was a poignant one. 

It was a bleak and rainy October night. Lauren and Chris sat in living room,
huddled together on the couch, while they watched the storm outside. Their
mother insisted on turning off every bit of electrical equipment during the storm
which left the nine and six year old with nothing to do but talk and to enjoy the
terrifying but beautiful display that nature gifted. Thunder began rumbling above
the house, and flashes of lightening pierced the cracks in the shutters. Despite
the angry sounds outside the house, the breathless warmth inside was rare and,
somehow, wonderful.

“Sissy?” Chris said out of the blue, turning his face a little so that Lauren could
see one eye and half of his mouth. He blinked his hazel eyes at her. “What’s
Heaven like?” he asked slowly, as if he was speaking of something forbidden.

Hesitantly, Lauren reached out her palm and rubbed Chris’s back. “Oh Chrissy-
bear” Lauren said with a half smile, knowing how much he despised that
nickname. She was hoping to distract him, Lauren really didn’t like the idea of
her brother thinking about Heaven; he had a lifetime to find out what it was like.

“My best bud Ralph, you know, the one from the chemo center. Well his mom
told me today that Ralph went to Heaven” he said darkly. “And she that he
wasn’t coming back. That he was with God and the angels.” Chris sat up and
cleared his throat. He was on the verge of tears, his dry eyes burning. “He was
my best friend… and he didn’t even say bye. He just left.” Chris stared down at
his knees and mindlessly picked at a scab. “I need you to explain what Heaven is
like. So if I have to suddenly leave, at least I’ll know what to expect.”

Chris looked up at his sister. The bold, confident, larger-than-life Lauren, who
barreled through life  like a lioness in a jungle was now quiet, afraid. The very
idea of Christopher dying unraveled her, made her smaller.

“Heaven is beautiful” she said bleakly as she blinked back tears. Lauren’s face
was ashen, her voice small and feather light. “There are streets of gold, you can
sleep on clouds and they taste like cotton candy.” Chris’s eyes widened as a
smile lifted the corner of his cheeks. “And you will be able to fly amongst the
stars and hang out on the moon.”

“Like Peter Pan?” he replied excitedly, his face transformed into a picture of
pure delight.

Lauren gave him a sad smile. “Yes. But I’m sure you’ll be ten times faster than
Peter Pan.”

“Good! Ralph and I are going to have so much fun racing each other.” Chris
said. He stopped suddenly and furrowed his brows in fear. 

“What’s wrong, nino”  Lauren said, concern etched in her voice. She put her
arm around Chris’s shoulder, pushing him slightly deeper into the cushion of the
couch with the weight of her embrace.

“I know what the doctors are saying. Even though I get a little better, I’m still
very sick.” he said sadly, his narrow shoulders slumping. “If I go to Heaven,
promise me this- don’t ever forget about me, okay? 24

Lauren swallowed hard, tasting the bitterness of her tears in the back of her
throat. “I’ll never forget you. You’ll always be a part of me. And when I miss
you, I’ll just look up at the stars and watch you flying amongst them.”

“Yeah. When you see a shooting star, that’s me racing through the sky.” he said,
nodding eagerly. “I promise I’ll say good-bye before I leave. I won’t be like
Ralph.” Christopher’s voice suddenly broke and Lauren held him close,
embracing him tightly. Lauren’s shoulders trembled with tears, finally accepting
the inevitable fate of her brother.

Lauren ran into the hospital with Camila and Sinu following close behind. She
dashed through the familiar hallways that she’d grown accustomed- heading
towards the third floor. Lauren was in too much of a hurry to wait for an elevator
so she sprinted up the stairs. She surged towards the hospital door, breathing
hard. 

Inside the shadowy room, her gaze immediately fell on Christopher. In the span
of a day, he looked completely different. He was conscious, but barely so. He
looked like a broken doll against the stark white sheets and piled pillows. His
skin was as pale as an old over-washed sheet, there was a bluish tint around his
mouth and a shade of red ringing his eyes. Even his hazel eyes, usually so bright,
were dull and glassy. He had barely resembled her little brother who always had
a twinkle in his eye. Lauren’s first instinct was to bolt and leave the room but she
planted her feet firmly on the floor and tried to stay strong. It was difficult seeing
him that way, she found it hard to believe how quickly his condition had
worsened.
Clara knelt beside her son, clutching her rosary beads and silently whispering a
prayer. Lauren’s father, Mike, stood by the window. Everything about him
looked disheveled- his unshaven face was a contrasting palette of pale skin and
stubbly black beard, his hair was a tangled black mess, and his eyes bespoke a
bone-deep exhaustion. 

“Chrissy-bear” Lauren gently said moving towards him, her voice cracking and
breathless, sadness crossing her features.

He was taking short breaths and seemed to struggle with each one. “Laur,’ he
slurred, reaching out his gaunt hand towards her.

Careful not to disturb the tubes that connected him to the machine, Lauren pulled
the hospital sheets back and crawled into the bed with her brother.

“I’ve been waiting for you, sissy” Chris said pulling the oxygen mask away from
his face. He drew her into a hug as Lauren rested her head against the rough
fabric of his hospital gown. Her tears were slow in forming; it was as if each one
were made of blood and too thick to pass through her tear ducts.

Mike stepped towards them, clearing his throat. “The doctors say it’s pneumonia.
He doesn’t have an immune system to fight it off. His oxygen levels are low.
And it doesn’t look good…” A pained expression crossed his face, he choked up
and couldn’t continue speaking..

Christopher weakly smiled, his breath ragged as he tried to speak. “I… fought a
good fight. But..I’m…tired.”
“I love you,” Lauren whimpered, tears spilling down her cheeks. 

“Love you more,” Chris murmured, his chest rising and falling rapidly. His eyes
shifted towards Camila, who had been silently sobbing in the corner. Chris lifted
his hand feebly, and gestured for her to come over.

Camila sat at the foot of the bed, her face pale and free of that easy smile she
always wore.

“Take..care of…my sister,” he muttered, having to pause between words to

alleviate the pain in his chest. “She’s not as…tough as she lets…on.”

“I will,” Camila whispered in a soothing voice, she nodded her head trying to
gather strength. Camila pressed her eyes shut but the tears still squeezed their
way out. “This doesn’t seem fair at all…” she said, not really knowing what else
to say. She stood up and placed a kiss on his cheek before retuning to her mother.
Sinu enveloped Camila in her arms and held her tight, grateful for a healthy
child.

Everyone in the room suddenly looked up at monitors as it started to alarm

indicating an oxygen saturation of sixty-four percent. A blonde nurse dressed in
pink scrubs sauntered into the room and silenced the alarms. She whispered
something to Mike before leaving. 

Chirs smiled tiredly. “Let me guess… I’ll be flying soon?”

“I’m so sorry,” Mike said, hearing how small the words words were. He was wild
with self-recrimination. He was a doctor, dammit, a doctor! He should have been
able to save his own flesh, his own son. “I always l-love-” His throat closed up
and he couldn’t get another word out.
 
“It’s okay, Papi.” There were tears in Chris’s eyes and more streaking down his
temples. They’d formed a small gray patch of wetness on the pillow behind his
head. “You’re still my hero,” he said in a small, swollen voice. Mike lowered his
head and walked away towards the window.

“He’s getting cold” Lauren said under her breath as she snuggled into her
brother.

Clara stood there, her hands gripping the bed-rails. She covered her son with a
blanket, tucked it up beneath his chin. She stared down at Chris and the love in
her eyes was the most beautiful, heart-wrenching thing Lauren had ever seen.
“No one else will ever understand the strength of my love for you. You’re the
only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside. I would have
handed you the world on a silver platter,” she said, her voice sounding choppy
and broken. “But you’re getting Heaven instead. Vaya con Dios, my prince. Vaya
Con Dios.” Her knees gave out from beneath  and she lay on the floor crying.

Christopher’s eyelids felt heavier as if something solid was placed on them and
weighed it down. He turned on his side toward Lauren, panting harder. “I
..promised you ..that I’d …say goodbye.” Lauren held onto his hands, struggling
to see him through her tears.

“If my love could save you, you would live forever.” Lauren said as she
tightened her grip on his hand. “I’ll see you in the stars, okay?” She saw him stir
at her words. His body was ice cold and she pulled another blanket over him,
knowing that it wouldn’t help. He was cold because life was leaving him. 33

“Sing…” Chris muttered, his breath rapid and shallow. His eyes were on her,
expecting a final comfort from his older sister before he was ushered to the other
side. Lauren stifled a sob and cleared her throat. Her raspy voice, softly sang into
his ear:

Just close your eyes

The sun is going down
You’ll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I’ll be safe and sound

As she sang the last note, every muscle in Chris’s body relaxed. Chris leaned in
to Lauren and whispered two words into her ear; something Lauren dared not
even think about in her most private thoughts. 

Lauren’s body went numb when she realized that Christopher was lying still. His
face was blank and his eyes didn’t move beneath the lids. No air passed from his
mouth. The boy who had brought so much warmth into her life was now lying
beside her, cold, dull, lifeless, dead.

It was as sudden as summer lightening. The end came on a sunny Saturday

afternoon. With everyone he loved standing around the room. 
———
It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this
world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet,
never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we
know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking
there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and
there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you
thought of things.34

They were back at home that evening. Lauren sitting in her room silently, Camila
sitting faithfully nearby. Clara and Sinu were upstairs in Chris’s room taking of
sheets and packing his clothes. Clara sat in the corner of the room holding
clutching his teddy bear- as of his living spirit still clung to it. Now and then,
Laura could perceive from above the almost feral sounds of Clara’s grief, so loud
that they shook the walls.

Sinu was the only one capable of making funeral arrangements being that the
whole Jauregui family was inconsolable, locked up inside their house of grief.
She assumed that they would want a Catholic ceremony, and so she contacted
Father Rogers at St. Mary’s.

The morning of funeral seemed gloomy and somber. Camila walked across the
street to the Jauregui’s after breakfast, in bare feet and cutoffs, carrying two black
dresses that she couldn’t decide between.  She walked right in, knowing that
ringing the doorbell was too formal, she was like family. The house was void of
light, eerily silent.

“Hey Camz.” Camila looked over to see Lauren standing in the doorway in a
white, flowy empire waist dress, the sparkly fabric complemented her pale skin
and red hair and brought out the iridescent green in her eyes. She nodded at the
dresses in my hand. “Which one are you gonna wear?”

“I don’t know,” the younger shrugged. 

Lauren came closer, taking the dresses from her hands, then held each one
against Camila’s body, squinting her eyes in concentration. “The short one.” she
said quietly, laying the other option on the couch. “The peter pan collar doesn’t
suit you. It makes you look like you have a double-chin.”

Lauren walked past her, towards the entrance of the house and sat down on porch
swing. She swung back and forth, staring out into the front yard. Camila followed
her and Lauren scooted over and made room for her.

“How are you doing?” Camila asked her. It seemed like the stupidest thing to ask
once the words left her lips, but there really weren’t any right words. Camila
looked over at her, her hair pulled pulled away from her face in a loose ponytail.
She’d been crying. Camila was not used to seeing her this way. Lauren had
always been  stronger, livelier, braver. The girl who punched out Tony Charles-
the school’s biggest bully, when he cornered them on their way back from
school. The girl who had kept the world from swallowing Camila whole.

“Laur?” Camila said, as Lauren turned to her.

“Hold me,” Lauren said simply, tears streaking her eyes. Camila reached over
and pulled Lauren close, rocking her gently.

————-
When they arrived at the church, there was already a line out the door. The grey
stone church stood a small hill by the ocean. The water was sulky today, deep
blue and aloof, the erratic Miami wind stirring its surface into restless waves.
Like a flock of black crows, both families came together, hoping for strength in
numbers. Holding hands, they walked past a throng of mourners and up the
massive stone church steps and into the church. 

“We’re in the left row,” Sinu said, sidling close. 

Up front an organ began to play a slow, plodding version of “I Will Always Love
You.” Lauren didn’t want to be here for this. She didn’t want to listen to the
music that was designed to make you cry, or listen to the priest drone about death
being a part of life, and how it was a part of God’s will. She didn’t want to see
the montage of pictures of Chris’s ten years of life splashed on a giant screen
above his coffin. Most of all, she couldn’t bear to see her little brother laying
peacefully in that tiny white casket. Lauren reached out and took hold of
Camila’s hand. Before she could even think about it, Lauren pulled her towards
the exit as they both ran out of the building. 

Sweet, fresh air filled her lungs. She gulped it greedily, trying to calm herself
down. Behind her, through the door, she heard the congregation singing Amazing
Grace. Camila snaked her arm around the older ones waist, holding onto to her as
if she would blow away like a leaf floating towards the furthest limits of the sky
if she let go.

From the abyss in Lauren’s soul came the barely audible words, “It should have
been me.” Camila’s hands abandoned Lauren’s waist as they cupped her face
instead.
“Do you really believe that? Do you think things would be any better if you
weren’t here?” Camila bit her bottom lip, looking uncertain. The wind blew her
chestnut hair around her face, she skin glowed against her black dress. Lauren
took a mental snapshot of her, moments when she was unaware was when she
was the most beautiful.

Lauren looked up at the sky, black with clouds, the smell of rain stronger and
stronger. “ A caskets that small shouldn’t even exist.” she said softly, knowing
that she wasn’t prepared to answer Camila’s question. “If I’m going to justify my
existence…” She took a long pause before she continued, “this doesn’t need to
happen to any other child. I’m going to become a doctor. I’m going to be great,
better than my father” she said with a finality in her voice.

Chapter 4
The death of a child is never a finality. For he lives vividly in his parents’ minds.
And the ache of loss increases with each passing year- as birthday after birthday
brings new haunting, agonizing thoughts: “He would’ve been fourteen next week.
He loved have loved to see this concert, That was his favorite meal…” And thus
Christopher never left the Jauregui household. The anguish of his absence was a
constant presence. 

Lauren watched with mounting anxiety as her parents moved in different spiritual
directions, leaving her abandoned in a loveless vacuum. Clara began her
pilgrimage of spiritual reconversion, reinforcing her own conviction that she had
sinned against the Lord and the death of her child was her punishment. Everyday
she recited prayers, burned candles and spent more time at Chris’s grave than
with her remaining living child. In a certain  sense, Mike was also seeking God.
But to confront Him with anger. How dare You take my son? he railed in his
imagination. And then, when his nightly drinking liberated what few inhibitions
he had left, he spoke aloud, shaking his clenched fist at the Almighty in savage
fury. 

Meanwhile, Lauren had slowly turned her grief to anger. Anger towards her
parents, anger towards illness, anger towards herself. It darted through her blood
like a predator, puffing her up with emotions that couldn’t be tamped down or
contained. 

The year was 2003- senior year of college for both Lauren and Camila. The
grassy lawn of Columbia University was a vivid green. Living in New York had
exceeded their greatest expectations. On Wednesdays, she and Camila had a
standing bff date. Wednesday afternoons and evenings were theirs, without fail,
to ride ferries, to tramp Fifth Avenue and window-shop, to ice skate, to lie on the
grass in Central Park, to eat candied almonds from the street vendors, to get
crepes in the East Village, to take up seats at diners for way too long while
sharing ice cream sundaes, and sometimes just to stay cooped up in their dorm
room watching endless episodes of FRIENDS. They were inseparable.

 Lauren inclined against the Red Oak tree located in front of the student center
while Camila lay her head on Lauren’s lap, her attention deeply engrossed in a
book. It was a beautiful day, cloudless blue sky, a slight breeze that rustled the
leaves and caused wisps of her red hair to fly forward. She had hour before her
Biochem exam, the final one. She hustled through her notes, highlighting
important facts to remember. She needed to do well on this final, her Harvard
interview was next weekend and she had to ace this exam in order to maintain
her 3.9 GPA.
“Oh my God,” Camila said in an awed voice. “Derek choose Lily. I knew he
would.”

“I can’t understand how you can be leisurely reading a romance novel an hour
before the hardest test of the semester.” Lauren said while scouring through her
notes. Camila rolled over her on her stomach and propped herself up on her
elbows to look at Lauren.

“Well maybe if you studied for more than a day and didn’t get skunk-ass drunk
every night, you’d have time for romance novels.” Camila replied with a
mocking tone. 

Lauren grabbed the book out her hands and handed her a stack of 3x5 index
cards. “Help me study, Cabello. If not our lifetime dream of going to Harvard
together will never be fulfilled.”

“Fine.” Camila replied with a sigh but inwardly feeling a bit worried. Camila was
a shoo in to receive an acceptance letter to Harvard Medical. With a perfect
entrance score, being at the top of her graduating class, ivy league colleges have
been vying for a student like her. But the thought of doing it without Lauren
seemed unimaginable. “Okay, first question- What type of non-covalent
interaction helps to stabilize the secondary structure of proteins?”

“Um…Hydrogen bonding?” Lauren answered with a questioning tone.

“That’s right.” Camila extended her hands and wiggled her fingers against
Lauren’s. It was a shortened version of their BFF handshake. “Next question,
what element is carbohydrate composed of?”

“Wait.. wait. I know this. Give me a second.” Lauren furrowed her brows in
concentration. “Carbon, oxygen and….. and…hydrogen?”

Camila ran her across Lauren’s cheek and patted it lightly. “You know this stuff,
Lo. You’re going to do fine. Let’s get some french fries. My stomach growled
during last weeks exam and I almost died of embarrassment.”

Lauren smiled and gave a Camila a light kiss on the cheek, dangerously close to
her lips. “What would I do without, babe?” she whispered gently.

Camila blushed and turned away quickly.

————

They both sat amongst twenty other prospective students, all vying towards one
goal. The admission interview was the final step in the long, egregious admission
process. “Lauren” a woman called from the hallway. “Dr. Gardner is ready to see
you.” Lauren froze for second before standing to her feet.

“You got this, babe. You’ll be fine.” Camila said. Lauren winked at her and
followed the secretary to the interview room.

Lauren’s grades with high. Her recommendations were genuinely enthusiastic, so

she knew she would make it at least as far as the interview. Dr. Gardner, a noted
internist, motioned her to be seated in a chair.
“You’re a very pretty girl, Miss Jauregui,” he remarked, peering over his half-
moon glasses.

“Thank you,” she replied. What else could she say- You’re not bad yourself,
Doctor?

“So?” The doctor, opening a notepad on his desk. “Why do you want to be a
doctor? Any special reason?”

“Well to begin with my father is a doctor…”

“Ah so you feel rivalry with him?”

“No. Not at all. I admire him for this work” Lauren lied. She tightened her fists
taking a slow, deep breath.

“Your mother is, I assume, not a doctor. So, therefore, by becoming a physician,
you displace her as the preeminent woman in the family?”

“Oh please,” Lauren protested with exasperation. “that is a load of sh-…

nonsense.” Lauren was still unsure as to whether he was serious or testing her.

“You can say shit, Lauren. You’re free to say anything you wish here.”

“Well then, Doctor Gardner, I think this whole line of questioning is total shit.”
Lauren no longer felt obliged to observe any decorum. She clenched her jaw,
trying to control her temper. “Look, if you’d taken the trouble to read my essay
you would have seen that my little brother died of Leukemia when I was thirteen.
So if you’re groping into my subconscious for some deep motives, how about
survivor’s guilt? How about the idea that the only way I can justify my existence
is by trying to make sure other children don’t lose their sisters and brothers? How
about the fact that my family unraveled with grief and is burdened with guilt
everyday because of his death.” She lowered her voice and without apologizing
asked, “Now how does that grab?”

Gardner looked her straight in the eye (for the first time during the interview)
.The interviewer had no reply. He sat for a moment, fumbling with some papers,
then rose with a tiny smile and said, “Thank you for your time, Miss Jauregui.
We will be in touch.”

She left the office knowing that she had won the round but fearing she had also
lost the vote.

————-
Camila entered the room decorated with an awesome collection of laminated
kudos. Besides diplomas, there were memberships to all sorts of societies. Not to
mention signed letters from every U.S president since George Washington. The
director of admissions sat behind a grand mahogany desk while Camila settled
onto the chair across him. There was what seemed to be a long silence. Camila
leaned forward, body poised as if waiting for a jump ball.

At long last Dr. Gardner opened his mouth and said,”We already have you on the
acceptance list. Your grades are extraordinary. Your publication in the Jackson
Magazine on the benefits of Alternative and Integrative Science was
phenomenal. It would be idiotic to pass on a candidate like yourself.”
Camila was taken aback. She was not expecting him to be this straight forward.
Not after hearing the hell he had put Lauren through during their interview. She
thought this was some sort of trick.

“Thank you, sir”, she replied politely.

But the next question was also from left field. “While looking through your
education record, your undergraduate essay stated you had every intention of
pursuing a journalism degree.” He paused and asked, “What drew you to
medicine?”

“Because your unrivaled researched facilities will enable me to discover new

cures and to cross new frontiers.” She confidently replied.

“Well that sounds well rehearsed.” Dr. Gardner stated with a small smile.
“What’s the real reason?  As you know, we have more applicants than spaces and
we want to be sure that every spot filled will be by someone who is dedicated to
their studies. Not a student who is wish-washy about their intent. Why do you
want to study medicine, Ms. Cabello?”

“I want to study psychiatry. I want to understand the inner workings of the brain,
to study the way emotions play a role in human development, to know how to fix
a broken heart.” Camila replied, shocked at her own honesty. “ I need to learn the
right way to communicate to someone, to say- I’m here. I love you. I will stay
with you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and
nothing you do will ever exhaust me. If I can help my person, all of my hard
work would be worth it.”
Dr. Gardner tilted his head and looked at her, his expression calm. “How long
have you been in love with her?”

“Eight years.” Her voice barely above a whisper.

“You know that unrequited love is the infinite curse of a lonely heart,” he said.

Camila brought her hands to her face and exhaled. Part of her could not fathom
that she told a complete stranger(the Dean of Admissions!) about a secret that
plagued her heart since that first kiss. Since the kiss, she beat down those feelings
to a secret place where it hides, curled, and wounded.

“I hope this didn’t ruin my chances of admission.” She smiled briefly, clearing
embarrassed by what she had just revealed.

“No, not at all.” Dr. Gardner stood and shook her hand. “You should be
expecting a formal letter in the mail. Welcome to Harvard, Miss Cabello.” He
said with a grin.

Chapter 5
Based on a psychologic study, a crush only lasts for a maximum of four months.
If it exceeds that time frame, then you are already in love. Eight years ago, what
was meant to be an innocent kiss grew into tangled feelings that Camila couldn’t
even describe. All she knew was that a part of her heart belonged to Lauren.
They had a special connection, uncomplicated, natural and rare. She knew that
most people search their whole lives to find what they’ve already found. 35

Falling for Lauren came suddenly, she didn’t mean for it to happen. At first,
Camila figured it was her looks. Her thick red locks and green eyes, and that
when she smiled her whole face crinkled in a way that made Camila’s breath
catch in her throat. But she assumed her infatuation wouldn’t last, that in time, as
their friendship flourished, Lauren’s looks would be less arresting for the
younger one. At the very least, she thought she’d develop immunity from her
infectious smile. But no such luck. 

Her feelings advanced deeper - she understood Lauren on a level that most
people never knew existed. Camila learned that Lauren’s eyes told stories that
her mouth never uttered. Camila had memorized the different shades- they were a
stormy shade of jade when she was angry. At other times they were a murky
green, but that was generally when she was troubled about something. Then there
were rare times when they sparked with what seemed a thousand tiny lights.
They’d glittered like that when Camila did something silly to make her laugh. Oh
how Camila wished that sparkle in her eyes could last forever. Lauren did a great
job at convincing people that she was confident, self-assured. But the truth is the
day that Christopher died, a part of Lauren went with him. She was wounded.
She was broken. And all Camila wanted to do was put the pieces back together.

Camila walked out of the Harvard Admissions building and headed towards the
corner of street. Her eyes found Lauren, who waited patiently by an oak tree. She
occupied her time by kicking pebbles aimlessly, her expression both critical and
dejected. Camila took a moment to admire Lauren’s profile, she was beautiful,
with her long scarlet mane she allowed the wind to toss into tangles.

“Hey Laur” Camila said as she approached her friend. The older one continued
her listless game of gravel soccer, hardly acknowledging Camila’s presence. Her
sad, murky-green eyes locked with Camila’s for a moment before returning to the
ground. With that one look, a rush of emotion assaulted Camila unlike anything
she’s ever experienced- she wanted to hold her, protect her, bring back the shine
in her eyes.

“Was it that brutal?” Camila said, leaning forward and taking Lauren’s hand into
her own. She thumbed tiny circles into her palm.

Lauren shrugged her thin shoulders. She held herself so erect that it was easy to
forget her tininess. But sometimes, like right now, it struck Camila just how
fragile Lauren could seem.

“Come on.” Camila grabbed her around the elbow and Lauren softened like a rag
doll, letting herself be dragged. They walked across the street to a local bar to
take advantage of Happy Hour.

“So are you going to tell me how the interview went or do I have to drag it out of
you?” Camila asked as they both occupied a place at the bar.

“I need four Tequila shots” Lauren shouted to the the bartender. Lauren turned
back to Camila and touched her face with a gentleness that made the younger
one’s breath catch. “Stop worrying. I’ll be fine,” she whispered, her face not
believing her own words.

“If I don’t worry about you, who will?” Camila replied faintly, her heart fluttered
at Lauren’s touch.

Lauren’s gaze softened. “Camz, this Harvard dream may not happen. I think Dr.
Gardner decided that the moment he laid eyes on me. The first thing he said to
me was “Lauren, you’re a pretty girl.” As if that was the only thing I could bring
to the table.” She drew in a deep breath and said “I’m just a fucking joke to these
people. I guess I’ll live vicariously through you.” With that, Lauren drank the
first shot and fell in love with the potent liquid that dulled the pain of rejection.

“You are the most passionate and intelligent person I know. They would be
stupid to turn you away,” Camila said earnestly. Lauren locked eyes with the
younger one, the look in her green eyes was so devastating that Camila reached
out, put her arm around Lauren, and drew her close. “We are a package deal,
Laur. If they don’t accept you, we will find somewhere else to go,” Camila said
faintly against her ear.

“But Harvard is your dream.” Lauren replied, feeling a clutch in her heart. Her
eyes met Camila’s- never in her life had she met anyone with eyes so dark and
expressive. Some days they were like cellophane and she could see her moods as
clearly as the words in a book.

“No,” Camila said with a smile, “my dream is to do this with you. Like I said, we
are a package deal.”

“You’re so amazing. It’s unreal,” Lauren said confidently, smiling for the first
time that day. Lauren stared at Camila for a slight moment, realizing for the first
time how long her hair had gotten. That day instead of braiding it to the side of
her head the way she normally did, Camila left it free so that it fell in gentle
waves around her shoulders.

 Camila raised her margarita glass for a toast. “To us. Bitches for life.” A small
giggle escaped her lips as she took a sip, her face immediately winced. Lauren
smiled knowing that the younger one was not a drinker and the mere smell of
alcohol got her tipsy. They clinked glasses and drank.

And drank.

By her fourth round, Lauren was drunk. Lauren smiled and slinked lower into the
chair.

“My perfect Camila” her voice blurred and hazy. “Camila with the perfect grades
and perfect family and perfect fucking life.” Camila gaped at her startled, hearing
the rawness of her words. 

“I love you but… I wish I didn’t have to try so hard to keep up with your
perfection.” Lauren looked up into her dark orbs and felt the weight of her
loneliness. Camila lowered her head, nervously biting her bottom lip. For some
reason, Camila found it difficult to look at her. The younger one’s face reddened
as she looked away. Lauren reached out and touched Camila’s chin, traced the
faded scar on her jawline, a caress that made the younger one shiver. There was a
boldness in touching her as if she was admiring a masterpiece, her fingertips
danced softly against the contours of her face. Camila jolted from her chair and
swept Lauren’s hand away. “Uh… I need the restroom” Camila mumbled as she
breathless walked away. 

She could not remember the last time someone made her feel this nervous and
tense with just their simple presence. It’s disconcerting in a way. Camila was
normally able to keep her feelings in check, hidden away. But the past day had
brought them all to the surface and she was not able to breath around Lauren-
everything felt like fire. It was an intense love—flattening everything in its path,
tossing things up in the air, ripping them to shreds, crushing them to bits. An
intensity that didn’t abate for a second. 
“Damn you, Lauren Jauregui,” she whispered to herself as she tousled her fingers
through her hair. Once Camila was able to compose herself, she rejoined her best
friend. Lauren was on her feet, dancing all by herself right next to the bar,
swaying to the melodic rhythm of the song Poison and Wine.Camila wished she
could find that kind of ease in herself but one drink wasn’t enough to undo who
she was. Instead, she stood there watching Lauren. The song was dark and
beautiful and extremely intense.

You only know what I want you to

I know everything you don’t want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don’t love you but I always will

The pain in their voices caused Camila’s heart to hurt. She understood the lyrics
in a way that was far too real. How one person could love another when they are
poison, a painful and unhealthy love. A one-sided love, a curse for a lonely heart.
She held out on the hope that this poison could still heal, that the truth in the
emotion of the singer’s voice made her believe that maybe this sort of love is
possible.

When Lauren turned and caught the younger one studying her, Camila guiltily
shifted her attention to her fingernails and pretended to pick at them. The way her
heart was hammering, one would think she was in cardiac distress. She struggled
for composure. Lauren’s eyes lightened thoughtfully as she scaled her way
towards Camila.5
“Dance with me.” Lauren slurred. She threw her arms around Camila and held
her tightly. At first Camila felt awkward, being that they were the only ones that
slow danced to the song. But then she relaxed in Lauren’s arms giving her a
gentle squeeze as they moved with natural ease. Their feet made little more than
tiny, shuffling movements that gave the pretense of dancing. It was as though
they were the only two in the room and the song was playing solely for them. It
felt so good the way Lauren had her arms wrapped around the younger one, her
hands caressing the small of Camila’s back. 

“Your heart,” Lauren whispered as she placed the palm of her hand over
Camila’s chest. “It’s beating rapidly.”

Camila closed her eyes and touched her forehead against Lauren’s. She took in
several breaths before speaking. “When we first met, you told me the same
thing,” she said, surprised at how weak her voice sounded. “You said the heart
has secrets that the mouth refuses to utter.”

“But we don’t keep secrets from each other” Lauren countered.

“I have one that I’ve never told you.” Camila replied with hesitancy curdled in
her voice.

“Wh-what? What is it?” Lauren eyes widened and their gazes  locked together. 

Camila didn’t know what was happening, why she felt transparent enough to
consider having Lauren view the darkest places of her heart. Her gaze turns
downward to Lauren’s lips. They were plump and tantalizing. Make a move, she
thought. Camila draws her bottom lip into her mouth, rubbing her tongue against
the fleshy skin. She runs her hand through her chestnut locks, messing it up in a
glorious way. Camila’s breath begins to strain as she looks into those emerald
eyes. They were glassy and bloodshot. That was enough to bring her down to
earth. What kind of person would take advantage of her drunk best friend, Camila
inwardly chastised herself. She dropped her hands to her side needing some
distance between them and took several steps back. 

“Nevermind, it’s not a big deal,” Camila mumbled. “We should go. You’re
wasted and I’m tired.”

Lauren stumbled forward and grabbed onto Camila’s waist for support. “Wait,
tell me. We’ve never kept anything from each other and now you’re distancing
yourself from me,” Lauren rambled, “I failed you. You were relying on me to get
into to Harvard and the one thing you relied on me for-” Lauren’s throat felt
swollen and constricted, her chest suddenly tight as if tears were brewing just
beneath the surface. “I’m sorry Camz. I should’ve studied harder. Now you are
going to leave me and… and I don’t have anybody but you…” Her eyes seeped
with alarm.

“Shhh” Camila interrupted by placing her finger against Lauren’s lips. Lauren’s
lashes fluttered against her cheek as she lowered her gaze. A few strands of her
wavy red locks fell onto her forehead. Camila smoothed the hair away from
Lauren’s worried face. The older one spent a lifetime hiding pain and she did it
so well. It was a mutual understanding, the unspoken hurt, the daunting
uncertainty of loneliness and the frightening feeling of what looms on the
horizon. The only person she could be vulnerable with was Camila because she
trusted the younger one with her broken pieces. The need in her eyes were the
same today as it was back when she lost her brother at the age of thirteen- her
eyes looked to Camila to put her destroyed world back together, to ease the
unimaginable fear of losing the ones nearest to her heart. 

“I would never leave. Never.” Camila answered in a thick voice, her hands
trembling at the very thought. “I promise.” She looked into those green eyes for a
moment and grinned. Camila leaned over and placed a small kiss on the older
ones cheek. She lingered there for a slight moment, taking in the smell of her
vanilla scented tresses. Camila barely touches her but it’s enough to send a faint
tremor down her spine. “Feel better babe?” she asked gently.

Lauren nodded softly as her eyes became heavier by the second. “Let’s go to
bed,” Lauren murmured, the words tumbling out of her mouth in a mumbled
mess. She fell into Camila’s side as she pressed her lips against the younger
ones’ forehead. Camila reciprocated with a gentle peck on her cheek. Then she
grabbed her hand and lead her outside.

Dusk hand already settled over the city and the lights from the bay flickered in
the distance. Lauren slipped her arms around Camila’s waist, burying her face in
the brunette’s hair. “I love you, Camzi. You’re my person. Always.”

Camila sighed as she thought, I love you more than you’ll ever know. But loving
you is like waiting for a ship at the airport. No matter how long I wait and crave
you, you and I will never become a reality. So I’ll just keep my delusions. I’ll live
in this world where love doesn’t hurt, where my mind gets lost in thoughts of you.
Yes, I’d choose this delusional over reality.

———————
“Dean of Admissions office. How may I help you?”
“Yes. My name is Camila Cabello. Is Dr. Gardner available?” Camila inquired,
looking over her shoulder. Camila hid on the hotel balcony and lowered her voice
even though Lauren was fast asleep. There’s no way she can find out about
this, Camila thought. She would literally kill me. And my family.And my dog. 

“This is Dr. Gardner,” a stern voice spoke out  interrupting Camila’s thoughts.
“So nice to hear from you Ms. Cabello.”

“Oh hi,” Camila replied nervously as she chewed on her bottom lip. She
mustered up strength as she continued. “Dr. Gardner, as unprofessional as this
may sound, we both know that if I accept admission to your school that I would
bring nine hundred thousand dollars of grant money with me,” her voice was a
little more than a croak. Camila was the recipient of the prestigious Avery
Foundation award- a hefty grant that aided in the advancement of research and
science technologies. Whatever college the winner of the award attended would
reap major benefits, being that their programs would attain significant funding.   

“Yes Ms. Cabello and we are honored that you’ve chosen our university.” Dr
Gardner replied sounding flustered.

“Yes, I’ve chosen to attend Harvard with one condition…” Camila’s voice
quavered at thought of what she was about to request. Harvard had always been
the dream. As a little girl, she had always aspired to go to the best college in
America. Now with the possibility of Lauren being rejected, Camila decided to
take fate in to her own hands. She wasn’t ready to relinquish that dream so easily.

“Condition?” he questioned lowering his voice. 

—————————————           

On May 29th, letters of acceptance to Harvard Medical School were delivered to

adjacent houses on Miranda Drive.

Camila was immersed in her summer reading of The Notebook when Lauren

barreled into her room, jumped on Camila’s bed while straddling her in the
process. She gripped onto the letter excitedly with the brightest smile. “Camz,
guess who got accepted to Harvard?” Lauren whispered happily and nuzzled into
Camila’s ear. Lauren felt a free-flowing elation unlike anything she’d ever
experienced.

“Um… I don’t know. It’s hard to tell,” Camila answered back in a teasing voice.

Lauren hopped off Camila’s lap and began to jump on the bed while shouting
enthusiastic shrieks of joy. Camila couldn’t think of the last time she had seen
her that happy. Watching her produced a curious sense of pride. Camila sat
against her headboard and watched her best friend go ballistic until she tired
herself out. Panting and breathless with laughter, Lauren collapsed on the bed
beside Camila. With her weight resting on the palm of one hand, Lauren stared at
Camila, her eyes alive with passion, the exhilaration in her face was something
that could not be manufactured. Without a word, Lauren brushed away the soft
wisps of hair from the younger ones temple and brushed her lips dangerously
close to Camila’s mouth. Camila felt a sudden chill and rose to a sitting position.
Lauren, oblivious to the younger ones reaction, cuddled up close to her best
friend, still on a high from her acceptance.
“Camila, I’m fucking going to Harvard!” she exclaimed, feeling giddy and
reckless and wonderful.

“Babe, I’m proud of you,” Camila replied intertwining her hands with Lauren in
the process.

“I’ve finally done something without the help of anyone.” She said as a quick,
tantalizing smile spread over her features.

Camila’s heart sank to the pit of her stomach. “What d-do you mean?” Camila
responded, stammering over her words.

“Well you know, I’ve always felt that I wasn’t good enough, that people didn’t
accept me for being just me. Papi was an alumni from Columbia so I knew that
I’d attend there because of his reputation. But it was never on my own merits.”
Lauren sighed as tears welled up in her eyes. “I know I’m being overly emotional
but it really meant the world to be accepted to Harvard on my merits, without any
help from Papi, Mami, or even you. It validates me, you know?”

Camila’s  breath becomes ragged, her chest begins to ache with anxiety realizing
her phone call to Dr. Gardner was something Lauren could never find out
about.38

Chapter 6
Harvard Medical College. A tranquil paradise of Georgian red-brick mansions,
graced by wise and ancient trees. The architecture is emphatically classical, the
center of campus buttressed with bold ionic columns. Over the doors to the main
building were the famous words of Dr. Louis Pasteur,“Dans le champs de
l’observation le hasard ne favorise que les esprits prepares- (In the field of
scientific observations, chance favors are only the mind that is prepared.)

Harvard was everything Lauren had hoped it would be and more. Spread out over
several miles  and comprised of several gothic buildings, it was a world unto
itself. The size daunted Camila, but not Lauren; she figured if she could triumph
here, she could triumph anywhere. The fact that she was accepted gave her the
confidence to conquer anything that came her way.

Lauren found a cheap 1980s style apartment that was in a great location two
miles away from the campus. It was a two story building with all the apartment
doors on one side of the building, the second floor balcony walkway providing a
overhang for the first floor apartments below. Their place, perched on the top
floor was quiet and private, though it barely had enough space for two tenants. 

“Remind me why we had to move in on the hottest day of the year?” Camila
whined, her arms full of sheets, a comforter and her pillow. The sun baked down
on her head and she just felt like a sticky mess. She wiped a few beads of sweat
that trickled down her forehead and marched up the steps.

“It’s dry heat though,” Lauren replied with a smirk. “Everyone knows that dry
heat isn’t really hot.”

“Tell that to a baked chicken,” Camila grumbled as she walked into their
apartment. She threw the items that she had in her hands down and collapsed
dramatically on the floor. Lauren stepped over her and surveyed their new home.

The apartment, optimistically called a two bedroom suite, contained two adjacent
bedrooms, a tiny bathroom, and a kitchen so small that one would have to suck in
their gut to get inside. Camila had been busy with grant orientation over the past
few days, one of the requirements for the Avery Foundation. That left Lauren
with sole responsibility of making the old and tired apartment livable and homey.
She purchased furniture from a local thrift shop and filled the apartment with
eclectic odds and ends. Sinu had even surprised her with a package full of
childhood pictures of themselves which she plastered the walls and end-tables
with.

“So, what do you think? I know it’s small but it’ll have to do being that we’re on
a poor students budget,” Lauren said, standing across the room, her arms crossed,
her expression hopeful.

Camila looked around, the apartment was old, tired, a little grim, but it was the
right price at five hundred dollars a month.

 “Laur, there’s peach tiles in the kitchen and a brown shag carpet. I’m not sure
what you want me to say?” Camila replied as she looked around the room. 

Lauren sighed as she turned into the kitchen. “Someone’s grumpy,” she called
over her shoulder.3

Camila’s stomach grumbled reminding her that it had only been fed an egg
sandwich hours ago. She dragged herself towards the kitchen and to her
astonishment Lauren had set out an assortment of Camila’s favorite snacks-
bananas, Oreo cookies, and Cheetos.

“Don’t look so surprised!,” Lauren said, offering up a cookie. Camila held her
mouth open while the older one fed her. “You’re such a bitch when you’re
hungry,” she said with a grin, “I know when my babe needs to eat.”

Lauren drops into a rickety kitchen chair and pulls Camila down into her lap.
Camila smiles and draws Lauren in to kiss her on the cheek.

“You’re the best Laur,” Camila said over a mouthful of Cheetos. 20

Lauren snakes her arms around the smaller girl’s waist and squeezes her tight.
Camila took a deep breath and sank into Lauren’s embrace. It was like letting out
a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding. She sank back into a place of
comfort, as if Lauren’s arms were like coming home. She reached back and
touched Lauren’s face feeling the silkiness of her skin. Lauren has always been
touchy and affectionate with Camila. She acted tough with everyone else in her
life but had a soft spot for her best friend. The older one’s nose nudged the back
of her ear and Camila’s stomach began to flutter as she was suddenly aware of
how the older one’s breath tickled her neck.

Camila closed her eyes and just relished in the feeling of having her close even
though her feelings were conflicted, it felt right to have her near. This pure,
unadulterated, unbreakable bond. A small voice told Camila to cherish this
moment, told her that the years ahead would complicate the very core of their
friendship. Camila pushed those thoughts away, naively thinking that nothing
come between them.

—————-

The Harvard Welcome Banquet- never again in the next four years would they
see so many distinguished physicians gathered in a single Harvard room. The
very air was charged with with eminence. Since it was clear that the incoming
students had a little more to offer than hushed reverence, the faculty spoke to one
another in a semi-public manner, as their students hung on every syllable. 

Several professors gathered around Camila, ever on the lookout for truly
dedicated minds. They picked apart the brain of the recipient of the Harper Avery
award, wanting their names to be associated with the one student who would
possibly become the next big thing in the research world. Camila held her ground
genuinely talking to a professor, speaking earnestly with a cytobiologist of
“going beyond the subcellular.”

“God,” whispered an awed classmate standing next to Lauren, “she makes me

want to pack up and go home.”

“That’s my girl,” Lauren replied while taking sip of Chardonnay. 

Lauren smiled with pride. She could understand why one would be intimidated
by Camila, she was clearly the shining orb of perfection this evening. Camila
walked into the banquet knowing her place at the top of the totem pole and she
oozed confidence. She was wearing a black pencil skirt with a fitted, azure
button-up shirt. Her wavy chestnut hair piled on the top of her head into a chic
bun with wispy tendrils that framed her face. The professors and students alike,
were drawn to the girl with an appealing blend of charisma and intelligence
behind a pair of stylish, black-framed glasses. She was simply beautiful and
Lauren was proud to be associated to her.

With that she moved off and chatted briefly and amicably with a few professors,
none of them deeming her worthy enough to give no more than thirty seconds of
their time. Lauren saw Dr. Gardner standing by the beverage table and she made
sure to stop and thank him for the interview. Dr. Gardner was very short with her,
not even having the decency to look her in the eyes, behavior she did not expect
from the man who offered her admission. Lauren felt a brooding anxiety settle
over her. The breath jammed in her lungs realizing for the first time how much
she did not fit in with this group. Don’t let them break you, she whispered to
herself. Feeling dejected, Lauren walked outside where she sat on a low brick
wall that marked the property’s edge. Cool night air breezed across her face.

“The party is inside, you know.”

She looked up.

The man who’d spoken was tall and broad-shouldered, with caramel skin and
light brown curls that fell across the most exquisite eyes she’d ever seen. She
could not pinpoint the color, they were just a light array of blues, greens, and
browns swirled around his iris. Even in the shadows, she could see how
handsome he was.

“May I sit with you?” he asked as he stood above Lauren, a small smile teasing
his lips. The smile he gave her started slowly, crinkling up his eyes, and in those
eyes, she saw an attraction that surprised her, that made her heart skip a beat.
“I’m Jackson Avery,” he said in a sexy, whiskey-rough voice.

“Lauren Jauregui.” she muttered, still in awe of this beautiful creature that stood
before her. Act cool Lauren! she told herself as she straightened  her posture and
attempted to exude sophistication.

Jackson laughed as he sat beside her. “I take that you received your maximum
dose of pretentious bullshit for the evening.”
“Does it show?” Lauren replied, smiling wryly. “I hate these type of events.
Basically whoring out your intelligence in order to stroke the mammoth egos of
these narcissistic, egotistical professors who wouldn’t know their own anal cavity
from blunt terrestrial erosion. Bunch of halfwit, malodorous baboons.” Lauren
was blessed with the gift of eloquently insulting people as if she belonged to the
royal family.

His eyes widened and then crinkled on the side while his smile went from good
looking to gorgeous. “I remember my first year here. It was like being on Mars.
The tension was incredibly palpable. It does gets better though.”

“Wait, this a freshman banquet. Aren’t you a first year just like the rest of us?”
Lauren questioned, scrunching up her eyebrows thoughtfully.

“Uh no… I happened to be one of those narcissistic, egotistical, malodorous

professors,” he replied with a low chuckle.

An arctic chill extended itself over Lauren’s body, she sat there frozen as realized
her major blunder. Her long, tangled hair fell forward as she hid behind her
hands. Idiotic! You just insulted the sexist man of the evening by calling him a
baboon? Lauren chastised herself. Choking with humiliation, she struggled to
place words together to excuse her ill-mannered opinions. “Uh, Doctor, I mean
um Professor-Doctor Avery, I sincerely extend my deepest apolo-” stammered
before she was cut off. 

“We both know how true your statements are. And I’m flattered that you think I
look so young when I’m actually nine years your senior.” He paused and locked
gazes with the green-eyed beauty. Their was something unsettling about the way
he stared- intensely, as if he saw something that others didn’t see.

The conversation moved easily from there. Lauren shared her background. She
talked about her upbringing, what it was like growing up with a terminally ill
sibling, the distant relationship that she had with her family as a result of that.
She explained her motivation to become a doctor. He talked about things she
could relate to. How he was the grandson of Harper Avery, one of the most
famous surgeons in the country and the namesake of the prestigious Harper
Avery Award. He grew up wanting to be just like his grandfather but his family
never pushed him academically because he was ‘just the pretty one’. So he
learned to push himself knowing that he had the burden of proving himself not
only to his family but also proving to himself that he was worthy.

 “I watched the way the other professors ignored you earlier and I saw the same
look in your eyes that I had when I first started. I wanted people to give me a
chance. People like Camila have natural talents with opportunities waiting for
them. But we have to fight to prove ourselves, we have to fight to matter.”

Lauren felt tears welling in her eyes as she thought about all the times she had
been someones second choice-  second choice to her parents, second in failed
relationships, and even standing in the shadows of Camila’s success. I just want
to matter she thought. 

“I see great potential in you Lauren. I see greatness in you.” He said touching
Lauren’s jawline with his knuckle.

“Really?” Lauren whispered, having difficulty finding her voice. She tucked a
strand of her auburn hair behind her ears and nervously picked at her fingers.
Lauren’s green cat-like eyes locked with Jackson and the dim overhead
streetlamp accentuated his gorgeous jawline. He stared back at her, seeing her.
His eyes grabbed her, they spoke to empty places inside of her. 

“You’re the only one I see tonight, Lauren.” No stammering. No desperation. He

was cool and steady. His face began to lean in towards Lauren as his eyes shifted
to Lauren’s parted lips when a shadow suddenly fell upon her. 65

Camila stood there blocking the streetlamp light. The younger one stared at the
both of them, bewildered. Camila looked stricken.

“Lauren? Who is this?” Camila interrupted. Lauren saw something flash through
Camila’s eyes, her first instinct would have been to label it sadness but she also
saw a hint of jealousy which really confused her. Why would she be
jealous? Lauren wondered. I can read her like a book and she’s definitely
jealous but why?

Jackson immediately stood and extended his hand out towards Camila. “My
name is Professor Avery. You’ve sort of been a rock star this evening. I’ve heard
a lot about you. Laur speaks so highly of you. It’s great to finally meet you.” 

Camila flinched at the unexpected use of Lauren’s nickname. “Her name is

Lauren. I’m the only one that gets to call her Laur.” Camila replied coldly. 

Lauren gasped at her friend’s response, this was so unlike the girl she’d known
her whole life, the girl who was normally warm and inviting to strangers. Camila
just stood there glaring at him, her lips curled into a contemptuous sneer.
He chuckled uncomfortably when Camila just frowned at him. He quickly put his
hand in his pocket when he realized that Camila wouldn’t even shake it. Jackson
stood there awkwardly, his athletic body paused and still, as if he wanted to say
something. Finally he spoke. “Please to meet you both. I’ve gotta run but is was a
pleasure speaking to you, Lauren,” making sure to put emphasis on the last word.
Jackson reached towards Lauren’s arm to give it a squeeze but Camila grabbed
Lauren away before he could even reach her. 24

Camila watched him disappear into the space where the trees wove together
while Lauren carefully scanned Camila’s face. Her dark, intense almond-shaped
eyes shifted to the ground as her untinted lips slanted into a frown.

“He’s a professor, Lauren!” Camila drew in a shaky breath. “You were about
to…kiss…him,” she spat out with disgust in her voice as she turned towards her
in frustration. 

“Whoa… Calm down, Camz! Nothing happened.” Lauren’s eyes filled with
concern as she reached out and touched the smaller girl’s shoulders. “We may
have gotten caught up in a moment but nothing happened. Why are you so riled
up about this anyway? It’s not like its the first time you’ve seen me with a boy.”

When Camila saw their interactions she knew deep down inside that Lauren
never acted this way with her former flings. Lauren was normally the dominating
presence in her past relationships. But what she observed was different. Lauren
melted like putty in Jackson’s arms and that image alone shattered Camila’s
heart. An explosion of jealously hit Camila like a sucker  punch to the gut.

“It’s different because he’s your professor,” Camila shouted, making any excuse
to hide the real reason for her irrational behavior. “You’ve worked so hard to get
into Harvard only to waste it away for some guy who probably doesn’t give two
shits about you.”1

You’re supposed to love me. You’re supposed to look at me like I’m the greatest
thing you’ve ever known she thought. A flash of pain crossed Camila’s face and
then quickly changed back to indignation.

Lauren couldn’t recall a time where she’s ever seen the smaller one so infuriated.
And she couldn’t figure out why. “Camila, you’re overreacting!” Lauren stood
there baffled at the younger girl.

“Overreacting?” she replied waving her hands in frustration, fists clenched in

rage. “I’m obviously the only one who you cares about your reputation? I thought
you were smarter than that.” Camila stood there looking betrayed and hurt.  “You
honestly thought you could fuck your way to becoming a doctor?” As soon as the
words left her mouth she instantly regretted them.

Lauren’s eyes suddenly went blank in an expression that Camila knew all too
well, but hadn’t seen in a awhile. The last time she saw that look was when her
brother died. The look of inexpressible, gut-wrenching pain. Lauren went as still
as a statue, tension vibrating off of her in waves. Lauren felt the start of tears and
the vulnerability fueled her anger. Her jaw clenched and unclenched before she
replied through her teeth,”Don’t you fucking judge me,” growled Lauren as she
closed in the space between them, their faces inches apart -“Miss Perfect with the
best family and flawless grades. I don’t even know why you hang around me
since I’m such a slut,” she yelled, sarcasm curdled in her throat. ”Fuck you,
Camila. Fuck you.” Tears spilled out of Lauren’s eyes as she angrily wiped her
cheek with the back of her hand. With that, Lauren stormed away.
“Wait, Laur!” Camila called out, but Lauren was already gone, running down the
dark street.

The moment Lauren walked away was the moment Camila felt her world shatter
into tiny pieces.  She ran after the older one but she was no where to be found.
Lauren was gone. 3

CHAPTER 7
Camila stood in front to the Harvard banquet hall while a sea of unfamiliar faces
walked past her. She tried to smile, she really did, but for once her cast-iron
confidence failed her. Hot tears streamed down her face as she quickly made her
way back to the apartment. She walked through the streets of downtown Boston,
the luxuriant air ruffling through her long, brown locks. Camila thought of all of
the arguments she had with Lauren- they fought over misplaced
“borrowed”clothes, and Camila forgetting to put the milk back in the fridge, and
other meaningless riffs. Nothing compared to the pain she saw in Lauren’s
eyes. I caused that, she thought to herself. Camila felt tackled with guilt,
overcome. She shouldn’t have taken out her jealous rage on Lauren. The thought
of causing Lauren pain was a burden to loathsome to bare.

Camila barricaded into her apartment, running towards Lauren’s room. Her heart
sank when she found it empty. She left me. I made her leave. Camila’s breathing
became labored as she made her way into the kitchen in search of something to
dull this gut-wrenching pain. The tightness in her chest was so painful she could
barely catch a breath.  Camila filled a teacup with vodka and drank it down in
one long swallow. The brunette wasn’t much of a drinker but she was in
desperate need of something that would make the incessant thoughts that raced
through her head cease. She left me. I made her leave.

The plastic composure she had cultivated for the past twenty years, that singular
ability to draw a curtain across her emotions, crumbled as she as cried. I can’t fix
this. She refilled her glass and walked back to the living room, where she
collapsed in a heap. 

“Why didn’t you just come right out and say it?” she reproached herself aloud.
“Say what you’ve wanted to say for the past eight years. I love you Lauren. You
can’t be with Jackson because I’m fucking in love with you. Why can’t you just
be vulnerable? Why do you always have to put up a fucking facade like
everything is perfect?” she whispered, her breath hitching in her throat. She bit
her lower lip and felt fresh tears stinging her eyes. 

The apartment was so deafeningly silent, she could hear the hum of every
electronic device in the room like a chorus of white noise playing against the
symphony of jumbled thoughts crashing around in her head. 

 Is this the end of our fifteen year long friendship? Will she ever forgive me?All
the questions in her mind were now weighing a thousand times heavier on her
heart.

Panic ran through Camila at the thought of losing her friend, the fear of the
unknown clawing at her heart. Camila called Lauren’s cell phone obsessively,
leaving heartfelt voicemail messages, ones apologizing profusely.

2:05 AM… Camila glanced at the clock and watched the thin black hands move
slowly, gobbling up minutes. She paced throughout the house in a frenzy. Lauren
hadn’t returned any of her calls. She grabbed her phone and frantically typed out
a text in a last ditch effort to make amends.
[2:10AM] Lauren? Please answer me… 

[2:11AM] I need to know that you’re okay. I need to you to know that I’m sorry.

[2:19AM] Laur? I can’t sleep without you here

[2:20AM] Babe… answer me… please

[2:21AM] I need you

[2:34AM] I need my person…

3:46 AM…Camila sat cross-legged in the middle of the living room floor, in a
baggy Harvard sweatshirt and thigh-high gym shorts. She stared at the clock,
listening to the ticking to make sure her own heart was still beating. A leather
bound journal lay open bedside her, a ballpoint pen clamped between her teeth.
There was a smudge on ink on her chin. Ever since she was young, writing had
been her escape. She wrote to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.
Her writing unearthed thoughts and feelings that her mouth could never utter.
Her writing told the most important things that were hardest to say. She sniffled
through her tears, as she thought of Lauren. Camila yanked the pen out of her
mouth, grabbed her journal, and began to write.

For L.J
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, 
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. 
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this: 
where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

An hour later, she had covered half a dozen pages. So engrossed was she that the
unexpected sound of the door closing severed her concentration like a chain saw.

“Lauren” she muttered weakly. Desolate, Camila sat in the darkened living room,
her knees curled up beneath her bottom. She hadn’t eaten, couldn’t sleep. Her
only companion was constant anxiety and doubt. There wasn’t anything she
could do until Lauren was ready to talk.

Lauren lifted her head and glared at the younger girl, her piercing green eyes
boring a hole through the younger one.

“I’m so sorry.” Camila whispered, her voice low and apologetic. Her throat felt
thick and uncooperative. Her hands were clenched so tightly together that the
blood flow to her fingers were restricted.

The blankness in Lauren’s eyes caused Camila to shiver. Lauren has never
looked at Camila that way, as if Camila didn’t matter, as if she was just another
girl, as if they hadn’t shared a fifteen year unbreakable bond. She stayed
expressionless in her silence.

“Laur, please say something.” Camila could tell by the way Lauren’s eyes
narrowed that she was struggling to maintain her own irritation. 
Lauren took off her leather jacket, slipped out of her black stilettos and flipped
her deep-wine hair back into a ponytail. Lauren composed herself, turned and
walked towards her bedroom. Even though they had just locked eyes, she
pretended like she hadn’t seen Camila at all.

“Please say something.” Camila repeated,it came out like a feral plea. And had
zero effect on Lauren. As slippery as a ghost, Lauren shot right past her and
yanked her bedroom door open. Camila followed her and held her hand against
the door, wedging it open. “No! You don’t get to ignore me. I fucked up and I
realize that. But.. I can’t sleep without you. I can’t breath without…” Camila’s
voice broke as she clutched her chest.

“I trusted you! And you judged me,” Lauren shot back. “You’re the only person
that knows how deep my insecurity runs. The only person that knows I cry
myself to sleep because people feel like my only redeeming quality is my
“pretty” face,” Lauren shot back. “I thought you were the only person that truly
knew me but your statement tonight shows that you’re just like the rest of them.
I’m sorry I can’t keep up with your perfection.” She swallowed down the bitter
disappointment of realizing that the person she once had on pedestal viewed her
like the rest of the world. 

Silence crackled in the room like the deadly calm before an electrical storm. A
muscle leaped in Camila’s jaw, twisting convulsively. 

“Perfection?” Camila questioned, the ache in her throat was complicated by the
tears stinging her dark eyes. She walked towards Lauren and closed the space
between them. “I wish I could be as carefree as you. I wish I didn’t have a family
relying on my “perfection”. I wish I could stop my brain from wanting to control
every minuscule detail of my life. Do you think it’s easy being me? I’d trace lives
with you in a second,”she whispered ,her gaze frozen in misery. 

“You’d trade lives, huh?” Lauren shot back bitterly. “You had a parents who
loved you. You had fucking food in your refrigerator, which, in case you never
noticed, was something I did not have, because my parents were too busy
mourning over Christopher to go grocery shopping!” she shouted, her voice
gaining volume with every word. “You had someone show up at parent-teacher
conferences. You never had to wake up your father up after he’d passed out
wasted on the couch while he drunkenly bargained with God to take his daughter
instead of Christopher…” Her voice caught. “ I wouldn’t wish my life on my
worst enemy. You had everything… and all I had was you.”  Her voice broke
with a vulnerable tremble and Camila felt her heart breaking as well. Lauren
turned away and jerked the door shut.

Lauren didn’t allow her tears to escape until she was inside her bedroom with her
door securely shut. Only then could she vent her misery. This whole argument
spiraled out of control and all she wanted was to be able to move past this fight
and for things to be back to normal. But Camila’s words replayed in a continuous
loop through her head. I’m obviously the only one who you cares about your
reputation? I thought you were smarter than that. You honestly thought you
could fuck your way to becoming a doctor?Lauren wept bitter tears until she
didn’t think she could stop. Her eyes burned and there were no more tears left to
shed.

4:57 AM… For the first time in five years, Camila sensed a panic attack coming.
Being a perfectionist, Camila never gained the proper coping skills when things
didn’t go her way. In fact, Lauren had always been there when one happened,
always able to sense a pending attack and had the ability to calm her before it got
worst. But Lauren was now the source of her anxiety and she wasn’t there to
help.15

Camila walked in circles around her bedroom and began to inhale and exhale as
regularly as possible. Usually that was enough to guard off an attack but this time
was different. She couldn’t stop the negative thoughts that ravaged her brain. You
have to fix this. This needs to be perfect. You can’t mess this up. You ruined her.
This is all your fault. Guilt swirled around her like dark black smoke, rising,
tainting the very air she breathed. She could smell it, feel it wafting over her
exposed skin, raising gooseflesh. Everything around the room began to morph-
the 1975 posters on the wall, the city lights that passed outside her window, her
reflection in the mirror.9

The first thing to change is the air itself, which seemed  to become thick, making
it impossible for Camila to take a full breath. Her visual field filled up with tiny
corpuscles, little blotches that that the made the horizon shake.Oh this is going to
be bad, she thought. This is going to be a full blown attack.

Her world lost solidity and her senses began to react instinctively. Camila’s
hands soaked in sweat as her mouth became completely dry. Without realizing it,
the muscle in her jaw tightened and her neck felt as stiff as block of marble. She
pulled on her hair in frustration and clenched her fists by her temples. She heard
the blood pounding furiously in her head. She felt like a wire and electricity was
charging through her. Camila struggled to breath as she felt helpless beneath this
vicious attack. Each breath felt like a knife stabbing her heart open. Thoughts
flapped around in her head like birds on speed. She couldn’t stop them. Her only
remedy was Lauren. She felt this terrible need to just collapse in her arms and let
herself breathe. Dizziness made the room spin around, darkness came over and
Camila felt herself hit the ground.

Lauren rushed into Camila’s room the moment she heard her body thumping onto
the floor. She pulled Camila’s head onto her lap, knowing exactly what to do in
this situation. Although it had been years since her last attack, Lauren sprang into
action. She frantically tapped Camila’s cheek with her right hand while her left
hand rested against the base of Camila’s neck. Lauren looked up at the clock and
counted a pulse rate of 130. Camila’s chest was heaving so erratically as she
struggled to catch her breath.

“Camila!” Lauren cupped the younger one’s face into her hands. “Camz, look at
me,” Lauren said as she lightly stroked her cheek, letting her fingers linger on the
baby-soft skin. 

Camila’s eyes blinked rapidly as if she couldn’t focus.She heard her name as if
from far away. She came to slowly, remembering where she was: laying on
Lauren’s lap while the older one tenderly stroked her face. Wisps of her dark
brown locks had come free from her bun and drifted around her face. Lauren
carefully brushed away the escaped hair and tucked them behind the smaller ones
ear. Those smoky-green eyes held so much compassion and love that it nearly
broke Camila’s heart. “You’re safe, Camzi” she whispered in a warm, reassuring
tone as a small smile lifted the corners of her lips.

Camila tried to say something but her throat constricted tightly making it difficult
for words to surface. 

“Shhh baby,” Lauren said while running her fingers through Camila’s hair,
twisting the ends around her fingers. “I just need you to focus on slowing down
your breathing. Okay?”

“Laur… I can’t … I need to fix this…” Camila stammered. She tried to pull
herself up quickly, so quickly that her breath caught and the pain in her head
intensified. Camila’s hands were shaky and her tired eyes locked with Lauren’s.
Her cracked, colorless lips quivered as she tried to bite down on her bottom lip to
stop them from shaking. The tenderness that Lauren felt for her friend was so
sharp it was almost pain. It was painful to see Camila in this condition and she
wanted to do anything to make it stop. Lauren pulled Camila to her chest as she
felt the younger one shiver against body. Camila clung to Lauren, frantically
wrapping her arms around the older ones neck. Camila buried her face in the
crook of Lauren’s neck as she trembled. 

“It’s okay Camzi,” she whispered, “I forgive you. It’s okay”. The green-eyed
beauty brushed away more wispy curls from Camila’s temple as she gently
rocked her. “I love you,” she repeated soothingly. “Relax, it’s okay.” Lauren
embraced her until she felt Camila’s breathing slow down to regular pace.

Camila leaned back and faced Lauren. Their gazes met, a clash of emerald and
blazing jet. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, hearing how small the words were. Tears
filled her eyes as she reached out and let her knuckles graze Lauren’s warm
cheek. “I was irrational and scared and jealous.” Camila’s voice broke a little
making a tiny desperate sound. “I know its stupid but I don’t want to share you
with anyone.” Her voice was the faintest whisper, wavering and unsure.

Lauren’s eyes darkened and a slight frown formed on her face. Slowly, almost as
if it was drawn by something other than her will. She tried to process Camila’s
words; the younger one was implying something that she just couldn’t grasp.
Nothing made sense to her anymore. Why would Camila be jealous and why did
she feel threatened around Jackson. In normal circumstances, Lauren would
categorize her actions as one of a jealous lover. Something had changed with
Camila in the past few months and she desperately needed to figure it out. But
now was not the time to think of it. Lauren traced the dark circles underneath
Camila’s eyes and sighed.

“Babe, we have our first class in a few hours and we both look like zombies.”
Lauren squeezed the younger ones shoulders. “You need sleep,” she says, leading
Camila to her bed. Lauren pulls down the the covers and guides her down. 

“Laur, stay with me,” Camila whimpered, her huge puppy-dog eyes staring into
Lauren’s orbs. She scooted over on the tiny bed, making room for Lauren, and
lightly patted the spot beside her. Lauren lays beside her and drapes her arm over
Camila’s waist and fits her chest to Camila’s back. The younger one nestles
closer to Lauren leaving no space between their bodies. Lauren pressed a light
kiss on Camila’s neck as her eyelids fluttered shut.

A faint smile appeared on Camila’s lips for a moment, convinced that no one else
would ever make her feel as warm as Lauren did. Somewhere deep down, in her
labyrinth, her intricacy, the darkest part of her soul, she relished the mayhem.
She felt a sense of privilege for having such passion in her life even though it was
one-sided. Lauren stirred her core. And that kind of love was addictive. 10

Chapter 8
Lauren and Camila were still glassy-eyed as they lined up in the cafeteria the
next morning. The  lack of sleep wore on their faces. Neither of them had
addressed their fight from the night before although Lauren’s mind raced with
endless questions regarding Camila’s odd behavior.  Lauren pushed those
thoughts aside once again knowing that there were far more important issues at
hand. They both tried to mentally steel themselves. For in less than thirty minutes
they would begin the first of four hundred and fifty-five required hours of gross
anatomy. Lauren, who had taken Comparative Anatomy in college and had
dissected frogs and sharks, tried to pretend that the human species would be a
similar exercise. Camila, who worked part-time at a hospital over the summer,
had seen a glimpse of corpse while organizing patient charts. But neither of them
ever put a knife into the real flesh and sliced open a human body. Until today.

The first thing they noticed was the smell. Camila edged closer to Lauren’s side
and lodged her nose against Lauren’s shoulder, attempting to block the awful
stench.

“Laur, I can’t breath,” Camila sputtered out, coughing in between each word.

“We’ll get used to it, Camz,” Lauren murmured back. “That’s just the stuff that
keeps the bodies from decaying. It’s almost like a paradox. We become doctors
to save the living but we first have to preserve the dead.”

“Okay, Miss Philosopher,” Camila said mockingly, watching Lauren with a

smirk. 

Lauren kinked her eyebrow and winked at Camila as she licked the corners of her
lips and lifted them into a slight smile.  When Camila looked at Lauren, there
was no way to describe what she felt except the word collision. It was incredibly
sexy. Lauren’s eyes were an indefinable shade of green-gray that Camila wanted
so much to name but that eluded her even as she looked directly at them. A fiber
of heat snaked through the Camila with longing that was entirely unexpected and
entirely sexual. Her muscles tightened, her skin flushed.

“Camz, are you okay?” Lauren said as she took a step closer to Camila, while she
stroked the younger ones cheek with the pad of her thumb. “Is the smell  getting
to you? You should get some fresh air.” Lauren’s eyes were full of concern and
locked with the chestnut orbs. 

“Uh… no… I’m f-fine,” Camila stuttered while pushing Lauren’s hand away.
Her voice was a full octave lower, her tone almost reverent. She just doesn’t get
it. She doesn’t understand what those looks do to me, Camila thought, it’s like
holding on to a live electric wire, or standing in a wind tunnel. The heat that had
coursed throughout her body hardened into ice, and her heart did a slow roll that
made her touch her chest. She took a slow deep breath, attempting to calm herself
down.

“You’re not feeling panicky, are you?” Lauren questioned, her voice low.

“No, I said I’m fine,” Camila replied, more curtly than she meant to. Camila was
surprised when Lauren took her hand- not to hold it, but to press the tips of her
fingers to inside of her wrist. Curiosity compelled her to stand still.

“Your pulse is racing,” Lauren said, her emerald eyes piercing through the
younger one. She stared at Camila with intense focus, searching her face for any
clues to explain her sudden change in demeanor. “Babe, tell me what’s wrong.”

Camila’s eyes fell to the ground. She gnawed on her bottom lip. “I can’t,” she
muttered under her breath. “Just drop it, Lauren.” Camila grabbed her arm away
and crossed them in front of her chest. Great! Another opportunity missed. 

“I wonder which one of us it will be.” A light-haired, short Latina interrupted

their conversation. Camila was inwardly grateful.

“What?” Lauren replied, clearly annoyed.

“You know, in every class there is always someone who can’t take this part- you
know, the dissections. Some of them throw up or even faint,” the girl said with a
huge grin on her face, her head bobbing continuously. “I’ve even heard of one or
two who walked out of the room and quit Med School all together. By the way,
my name is Ally.”

“Yeah, we saw you at the orientation. I’m Camila and this is Lauren,” the
younger one pointed to Lauren who barely acknowledged the new girl. Lauren
wasn’t one to make friends, especially when they were as peppy and cheesy as
Ally.

“Oh joy! New friends!” Ally began to giggle as she forced Camila and Lauren
into a three-way hug.

“Woah…” Lauren said as she pulled away. “What the hell. Calm your shit
before…”

“Lauren!” Camila interrupted, “she’s innocent. Let it go,” she whispered under
her breath. 
Ally appeared a bit flustered as she walked away. “I’ll be praying for your soul,”
she muttered towards Lauren.

“Good afternoon class,” called a balding, white-coated figure as he scurried

through he double doors in the far corner. It was Professor Charles Lubar, their
guide through the human labyrinth.

“I’m especially pleased to be leading our expedition into the mysteries of the
human body during this semester, since it is precisely a hundred years ago that
Henry Gray published the Anatomy which still serves as our basic text. I’ve
assigned four of you to each table. There are name cards. Take your instruments
and please find your places. Your assigned group will be permanent throughout
the remainder of your time here at Harvard. As soon as you’re set up we can
begin.”

Lauren was happy to find that Camila was one of the other four students sharing
the cadaver although Camila didn’t seem to partake in her excitement. She
looked nervous, flustered. She constantly shifted her eyes to the ground and back
to the cadaver, sneaking peeks at Lauren in between. Lauren sighed, she felt
helpless knowing that Camila refused to divulge any reason for  behavior.

“First, I want all of you to look at the description of the person you are about to
dissect. It’s highly unlikely, but if you feel there is any chance it may someone
you know, please don’t hesitate to ask to be transferred…”

God, Lauren thought, that never occurred to me. A terrifying, irrational fantasy

crossed her mind. What if this is Christopher? Although the likelihood of that
happening would be close to zero, her face drained of all color, too terrified to
check the body tag. Camila, reading her mind, squeezed Lauren’s hand. “It’s not
him,”she whispered under her breath. “I checked already.” Lauren let out a sigh
of relief and leaned her body against the lab table.

“All right, students,” Dr. Lubar continued, “now I want to be unequivocal on this
next point. The bodies before you were once living, breathing, sentient human
beings. They were generous enough to leave their bodies to science so that, even
in death, they could serve mankind. I want you to treat these people with respect.
If I see any fooling around, I’ll kick the perpetrator right out of this course. Is that
understood?”

There were murmurs of assent.

Now in a less cautionary tone, he continued, “Every anatomist has his own idea
of where to begin the study of the human body. Some start with the most
familiar-the epidermis- and work their way through the skin layers. But I believe
in getting to the heart of the  matter.” He then motioned them all to gather around
the table in the front row, where the broad, graying chest and abdomen of a male
corpse had been undraped. Camila watched, half expected, that the dead man
would suddenly cry out in pain- for Lubar was holding the scalpel just above the
cadaver’s neck, poised to attack. 

His hand moved swiftly, piercing the body in a jugular notch. He dissected past
each layer, rattling off names and functions of each part. And finally the soft
tissue outer wall breached. He had run the scalpel downward, a motion that had
“unzipped” the skin. For a moment the instructor paused to draw breath.
Professor Lubar withdrew a sharp serrated knife and plunged it into the incision
he had made on top of the breastbone. The grating sound made Lauren wince as
if her own chest was being sawed open. Lauren glanced at Camila to see how she
was coping. The younger one seemed so focused and almost enthralled by it all.

Suddenly, with a snap, the rib cage split open like a cracked walnut, laying bare
the innermost engine of human life: the heart. There was an eery silence as
Camila pressed forward for a better look. The fist-sized hollow organ lay there
between the lungs. The flesh seemed tattered as if it had weathered a storm. A
thought occurred to Camila as she faded out the voice of Professor Lubar. Every
feeling-love, joy, rejection, anger- once existed between the four-chambered
organ before her. She wondered what the condition of her own heart looked like.
The strain of harboring this secret love for Lauren, the longing that existed for
Lauren in the confines of her heart. If Lauren only knew the ache that Camila
went through every day to hold this secret that was kept far too long. She wanted
to reach out and grab Lauren’s hand and hold  it right over her chest, right where
it ached the most. She wanted the older one to know that her smile alone could
heal the darkest places inside of her. That the very anatomy of her heart was
designed to hold every memory that existed between the both of them. She loved
her with such intensity that it hurt to breath. It really hurt…

Camila was pulled back to reality by hearing a body slump to the floor. All eyes
turned to the first casualty of their Medical School education. Sprawled on the
floor, looking whiter than the cadaver, was Ally Brooke. Lauren bent over to
revive the fallen student. Camila noted how ironic it was that Lauren was the first
who sprang into action, even though she never took a liking to Ally. But that was
the type of person Lauren was. She can come off bitchy at times but she had a
heart of gold. 

“Don’t worry, it happens every year,” Professor Lubar said with unruffled
assurance. “If she’s still breathing, carry her outside and let her get some fresh
air. If she’s not breathing, put her on the table and we’ll dissect her next.”

Ally regained consciousness while Lauren helped her up. Her face reddened with
embarrassment but Lauren lied and said that no one noticed her fainting.

After Professor Lubar finished his demonstration, he dismissed the students back
to their tables to start work on their own cadavers.

After class, Lauren drove most of the way home in silence. Camila sat in the
passenger seat nervously biting her nails as she stared out the window.

“You seem panicky again. Is everything okay, Camz?” Lauren finally asked,
breaking the silence.

She shrugged. “I’m fine.”

Lauren shot her a puzzled glance. “Really? Because everything about the way
you’ve been acting towards me is fine,” she said sarcastically. “You can’t look
me in the eye, you’re having panic attacks and you keep telling me that you’re
fucking fine when clearly you are not!” she added defensively. Her tone was
harsh, irritated. Lauren’s jaw clenched and she stared straight ahead while
weaving through Downtown traffic. In the blink of an eye, the mood in the car
had shifted and the tension was palpable.

“Pull over,” Camila growled. In their fifteen years of friendship, this was the first
thing she’d ever hidden from Lauren and it physically hurt to conceal the truth.
Camila jumped out of the car before it even stopped moving, slamming the door
behind her. She ran towards a wooded area beside the road and hoped that
Lauren would take the hint and not follow her. She didn’t have the slightest idea
where she was headed but anything would be better than that awful car ride.
After what seemed like an eternity of walking, Camila stopped beside a beautiful
lake. She sat on a rock, her feet dabbling with the lake as she finally let out a sob
that she held in her chest. Camila found it impossible to put up defenses against
the trees and water and the wind moving over the water. In this place of solitude,
finally alone with her thoughts, Camila crouched over and just cried. The lines of
light on water winking at her, the gray blue sky in the lake looking back up at
itself, the way the cold began to feel warm on her toes- it was raw and
unflinching and perfect. 

Camila heard some rustling of leaves behind her and didn’t even turn because she
recognized the sound of that walk from anywhere. Lauren came walking along
the shore, her red wavy hair moved with the gentle breeze as the sun illuminated
her emerald eyes. She stood right behind Camila and hesitated before she spoke.
“I’m not here to fight with you,” Lauren said, her voice barely above a whisper.
Her face looked worn, older.  “I’m just worried about you and I couldn’t leave
you here alone.” Her voice cracked as she lowered her head. She sat down in
front of the younger one, reaching out for Camila’s trembling hand. The look in
her eyes was so devastating that she reached out, put her arms around her small
body and drew Camila close. Camila inched her arms around Lauren’s waist as
she rested her head against the redhead’s chest. Lauren raked her hand through
the knotted curls flowing down her back. Touching her in this moment was a
necessity. 

Lauren cupped her hands on each side of the younger ones face, resting her
forehead against her person. “You have to say something, love.”
Camila opened her mouth to answer, but exhaled instead. She crawled onto
Lauren’s lap and held her tighter. “This is going to ruin us,” she whispered
against Lauren’s neck. “This will ruin everything about our friendship but I can’t
keep living under the weight of this lie. I’ve felt these words like a weight in my
chest for eight years, I’m amazed that my heart can still continue to go on beating
under this burden.”

Lauren pulled back to face Camila. “What are you saying?” she whispered, her
eyes glued to the younger one.

Camila lifted her hand slowly, almost as if she weren’t quite controlling her own
movements, and touched Lauren’s eyelids, tracing their contours with her
fingertips. “Shut your eyes,” she said softly while nervously chewing on the
inside of her cheek. “I can’t say it with you staring at me.” Lauren batted her eyes
shut, her lashes long against her cheek.

Camila took a deep breath. “I love you. I’m in love with you. I love the way you
laugh at my stupid jokes even though they aren’t funny. I love the way scrunch
your nose and stick your tongue out when you’re concentrating on something. I
love that you can always tell what I’m feeling by just looking at me. I love that
you have the kindest and most gentle soul but you try to keep that hidden away
because you’re scared of people taking advantage of you.” Camila reached out
her hands and interlocked their fingers together. Lauren still kept her eyes closed
although a tear escaped through, sliding a solitary path down her cheek. Camila
tenderly brushed it away. “I’ve always dreamt of telling you how I felt but I
never imagined your reaction. I guess I’ve never thought of what you’d say. So…
now I’m terrified but loving you is like going to war. I’ll never come back the
same anyways.” Camila was surprised by the flurry of nerves that made her
fingers tremble and her voice break, but when it was over her heart felt
noticeably lighter.

Lauren’s eyes remained shut as she sighed beneath her breath. “Camila, you’re
right.”

Camila couldn’t resist the smile that broke out onto her face. “I am?” she replied.

Lauren opened her eyes and Camila flinched at the terrible blankness she saw in
them. Her eyes were a dull grey, void of all warmth.

“Yeah, you were right when you said that this would ruin us,” Lauren’s voice
cracked as she stood up and walked away.130

Didn't expect that, did you? Me neither. </365

Chapter 9
Lauren felt a little woozy. It was nice, like being wrapped in a warm-from-the-
dryer blanket. She sat in a restroom stall, slumped over, with tears dried on her
cheeks. Her vision was slightly blurred due to the alcohol running through her
veins. Memories clamored at her, time unspooled and wrapped around her and
she had no will to resist. Her thoughts went back to solemn day that she found
difficult to erase from her memory.2

Flashback

The graveyard was dark. Sixteen-year old Lauren walked hesitantly, bumping
into headstones, trying to recall the direction of the plot. Rain fell down lightly,
bringing down wet leaves along with it. A startled animal scurried in an
overhead branch. Lauren solemnly reached her destination and knelt beside
Christopher's grave.

"Happy birthday little brother," she said softly. "You would have been twelve
today. Middle school is such an awkward stage, thank God you didn't have to
deal with all of that." Lauren pulled back her jacket and retrieved a small object
from her pocket. "I brought you something," Lauren muttered as she gently
placed a Peter Pan stuffed animal by his grave. "I remember our talk about
Heaven, it was a rainy night just like this one. I told you that you'd be able to fly
amongst the stars just like Peter Pan. When I miss you, I just look up at the stars
and watch you gliding through. But then there are days like today, when the sky
is cloudy and I can't see you as clearly. And I just wonder if you're even there."
And there went her heart, her tears falling free.

"Lauren" Camila said gently, not wanting to frighten her. Although Lauren
instructed her to wait in the car, the fact that she knew what emotional state her
best friend would be in prompted her to follow. She squatted beside her, her eyes
glassy and unfocused.

For an instant their eyes met. Camila wore a black turtleneck and short plaid
skirt with black laced tights. Her long thick hair was in a french braid, her
signature hairstyle. Dainty gold hoops hung from her earlobes. She was
stunning, Lauren thought, and was the only reason why Lauren still existed on
this earth. I'm only here for her, she's all I've got, she thought. 1

"He was afraid of the dark," she said, breaking the silence. "Remember? We
used to read him to sleep. Remember when we built a tent in his room out of
blankets and chairs, and filled it with pillows and a step stool to act as a table.
We'd take turns reading to Chris from... from...I can't remember the name of the
book..."
"Where the Wilds Things Are," Camila whispered as she tightened her hold on
Lauren's hand. "That was his favorite book especially when I read it in my
dragon voice." She shivered with the thought.2

Camila leaned into Lauren, placing her arm around the older ones waist. Lauren
relaxed beneath her gentle touch and nuzzled further into her side. She held
perfectly still, as Camila held her hand. She was so close that Camila could see
condensation on her freckled skin, droplets of moisture in her wavy hair.

"When Chris was a baby, the smacking of his lips was enough to wake me from
sleep. I used to sleep right by his crib because that would be my only chance to
be with my brother uninterrupted. It was our special time. I knew how to unlatch
the crib rail and slide it down quietly. I would give Chris a bottle even before he
cried for it. I loved the milky scent of his skin, the way his hair curled around his
face- he had the funniest little cowlick, and his tiny half-moon fingernails." She
sighed as she sagged against the younger one, the burden of the memories
weighed too heavily on her. Lauren felt a pricking of tears in the corners of her
eyes. "I can't do this anymore. This pain in my heart is the only thing telling me
that I'm still alive. I want to stop feeling this pain. I want to end this..." 10

"Look at me," Camila shifted toward Lauren so that their knees bumped. The
look on Camila's face was devastating, the weight of Lauren's words struck her
to the core. It weighed like a heavy stone, dead center in her heart. She cupped
her hands around Lauren's face. "You are strong. The most unimaginable has
happen but life is always still worth living. You have to make a decision that you
are going to keep living. You'll have to say, 'I don't care how hard this is, I don't
care how hurt I am, I will not let this destroy me," she said. "Lo, we have so
much to experience together. When we turn eighteen, we're supposed to get
matching Peter Pan tattoos. We're supposed to road-trip from New York to
California and attend every music festival along the way." Her fingers lightly
skimmed over Lauren's cheek, brushing away her tears. "I'll always be here for
you. I'll be that shoulder for you to cry on whenever you feel lonely or hurt," she
said softly. "I need you here. I need you here to have my back, okay? I love you."

"Always?" Lauren replied, her vulnerable eyes pleading. She rested her forehead
against Camila.1

"I love you always," Camila promised with finality in her voice. She kissed both
of Lauren's eyelids gently, grateful for the bond they shared. 10

Lauren felt an emotion open up inside her like some exotic flower. She could
practically smell its honeyed scent in the air. For the first time in her life, she felt
totally safe with someone. She whole-heartedly believed that her heart was safe
with Camila.6

--

The sudden flush of the toilet in the next stall caused Lauren to jerk. She blinked
and stared hard at her surroundings. How long had she been there? Everything
inside her was a mindless rush- her heart, her blood, her head. Camila is in love
with me. My best friend is in love with me. Lauren rubbed her hand over the
heart that ached no matter how firmly she ordered it not to. She slowly got to her
feet and left the bathroom, pushed her way through the crowd and headed straight
for the long mahogany bar.

"What can I get for you, pretty lady?" asked the bartender.

"Another Tequila straight shot," she responded in a husky tone. 2

She drank the first shot and ordered another. The loud music comforted, drowned
out the turmoil inside of her head. I love you. I'm in love with you. Loving you is
like going to war. I'll never come back the same.
"Hey Lauren, can I buy you a drink?" She looked up and saw none other than
Jackson Avery who sidled up beside her. She hadn't spoken to him since the
Freshman banquet. He stood there, taller than she remembered, with those
familiar broad shoulders covered by a silver blazer that brought out the blue in
his eyes.84

A forced smile blossomed across her lips. Lauren replied "I don't know. Can
you?" Was she slurring her words? That wasn't good. And she couldn't think
clearly. His gaze moved from her face, down to her breast, and then back to her
face. It was a look of pure seduction that stripped past any pretense. 25

"You're wasted." Jackson touched her chin, a jawline caress that made her shiver.
"Why are you here alone, drowning in your sorrows?" His voice was as rough as
the words worked their way through a throat that had gone dust-dry. Lauren's
smoky green eyes mesmerized him, he couldn't look away even if he wanted to.

I'm sad, is what she wanted to answer. She wanted to block out the horrible
feeling in the pit of her stomach. The guilt from leaving Camila. She craved for
something, someone to numb this pain in her chest. Her throat felt swollen and
constricted. "Kiss me," she whispered throatily to Jackson, clasping onto sleeves
on his blazer. She ignored his former question, knowing that the answer to his
question would bring up emotions she tried hard not to feel. 78

Jackson leaned in and their lips met in that same instant. It was a slow kiss at
first. She wanted to lose herself in pure physical sensation, to dissolve like a bit
of candy. They made their fumbling, kissing way through the bar and to a small
restroom in the back. Lauren stayed close to him, locked in his muscular arms,
kissing him deeper. Lauren lost herself and her pain in the pleasure of his hand
and mouth. She wanted to forget everything that had gone wrong with her life,
and how it was that she'd ended up in a place like this. Jackson pulled away and
intensely stared into her eyes. "I haven't felt this way about someone in so long."
The sexy gravel of his voice was so much grittier than usual, hotter. 79

"Kiss me again," she said, hating the pathetic pleading she heard in her voice. It
was how she sounded as a child, back when she'd been a little girl with her nose
pressed to the window, waiting for her parents to return. Parents that spent
endless hours at the hospital with Christopher, their favorite son. What's wrong
with me? that little girl asked anyone who would listen, but there had never been
an answer.

LA HISTORIA CONTINÚA ABAJO

Lauren reached out to Jackson, pulling him close, but even as he kissed her and
pressed his body into hers, she felt herself starting to cry, and when her tears
started, there was no way to hold them back. In that moment all she could think,
feel, and see was Camila. She imagined the younger one sitting in her bedroom
distraught from their conversation earlier, desperate to be held by her best friend.
She imagined the promise of always. The promise to always be there for one
another regardless of whatever circumstances arose.

"Lauren, are you okay?" Jackson said, broke her away from her thoughts.

"Camila..." she whispered in a strained voice, guilt wracked her to the core.

"What about her? Is she okay?"

"No," she whimpered.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He tipped her chin up, forced her to look up at
him, to see his concerned expression.3

"No," she replied, her bottom lip wavering. "Let's make out." 45
Jackson shifted back against the bathroom wall because she'd taken a step
forward. A sardonic grin tipped his mouth at the corner. "Lauren, there's no
chance in hell of me making out with you. Its not really pleasurable if you're
sobbing, ya know," he lifted a brow. "So why don't we talk about what the real
situation instead of using me to mask whatever you're running from." 5

Flustered, Lauren dragged a hand through her hair and let out a sigh. "Camila is
in love with me."

"When did she tell you?"

"Earlier today, after class," Lauren said. "She'd been acting odd for the past
couple of weeks- panicky, clingy, jealous..." 6

Jackson interrupted. "Yeah, I know. She nearly bit my head off when I met her at
the Freshman Banquet. So how do you feel about her? Do you have any feelings
for her?"

Lauren sighed heavily. "I've never thought about it. I admit, we have an
inexplicable bond, like I feel more connected to her than anyone else." She
sucked in a sharp breath and stilled. "Camila has most beautiful smile, she's shy
to show it because she's insecure about her teeth. But sometimes, she'll
unexpectedly gift you the most incredible, radiant smile that will leave you
speechless. And her laugh- nothing sounds sweeter than her laugh, it's so
infectious." A smile dance at the corners of her mouth. "I can't wait to talk to her
first thing in the morning, and she needs to be the last person I speak to before I
sleep. I'm connected to her in a way that defies logic. I'm my truest self around
her. It's like she unveils the best part of me, she makes life come to life." 21

After a few stunned moments of silence, Jackson spoke up. "Based off of your
description, it sounds like your feelings are more than platonic." 6
"It's not that easy, Jackson. It's very complicated. I'm not willing to risk fifteen
years of friendship to explore possible feelings. What if it doesn't work? What if
I'm not into girls? What if she breaks my heart and I'm left with nothing? What if
she leaves me like my..." Her voice trailed off, leaving them in an uncomfortable,
thick cloud of tension. At even the thought of it, her heart clutched in panic.
Jackson looked at Lauren's tortured expression and felt wretched inside. 10

He scratched the beard stubble on his chin. "Look, I can't believe I'm giving you
advice because you're a pretty attractive girl and I believe we'd have amazing
chemistry together. But I'm not an idiot. There is definitely something worth
exploring between you and Camila. I see the way your eyes radiate when you say
her name and that alone is reason risk your heart." Jackson caught her by the
elbow and held her gaze. "I read this book by Paulo Coelho and he said that love
is a risk worth taking. By risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never
ceasing in your search for Love. There is no intensity of love that does not
involve the risk of crippling hurt."44

LA HISTORIA CONTINÚA ABAJO

"She's worth it," Lauren whispered gently. She waited a moment, then shook her
head. "I'm so scared."33

"How do you think Camila felt telling you?" He snorted. "She must have been
terrified." Although every male cell in his body called him seven kinds of crazy,
Jackson gave the ultimate suggestion. "You need to kiss her," he said. 18

Lauren rolled her eyes. "You gotta be fucking kidding," she replied dryly.

"No, I'm serious. Go home and grab her into a passionate embrace," Jackson said.
"If you don't feel anything after that, just blame it on the alcohol. But if
something stirs in your core and you start to crave more, then you know its
something worth pursuing."26

Could she really do it? This was Camila. What if all their crazy, platonic
chemistry didn't actually translate into physical chemistry? It would be worse
than awkward. And they'd never be able to go back. Things would never be the
same between them. Their friendship would be damaged completely-was she
really ready to wager all that?

Lauren looked him over skeptically. "Is this legit advice? You're not trying to
sabotage me because I didn't give you any ass tonight?"

Jackson grinned. "Is that even a serious question? Just go!" He sighed, shaking
his head at Lauren.38

Lauren's lips curved slowly. A slow smile transformed her expression, right
before she abruptly left the room.

-------

Adrenaline pumped through her veins as she pulled into the apartment parking
lot. Lauren tried not to think about anything other than the task at hand. Find
Camila. Kiss Camila. She tried not to lose her nerve because this by far would be
the craziest thing she has ever done. Lauren tried to call Camila several times but
her phone went straight to voicemail.17

While unbuckling her seatbelt, she noticed several ambulances in front of her
building. There were clusters of students, some half-dressed, others still in
pajamas, all with anxious looks on their faces. 59

"What the hell's going on?" Lauren asked fearfully.

"I think I overheard someone say it was an overdose. Some poor girl I think," the
neighbor replied, with more bemusement than sympathy. 67
Lauren's heart dropped to the pit of her stomach. "Wh-what did she look like?"
Lauren demanded.1

Her informant merely shrugged his shoulders. "Who knows? The girl looked
Hispanic, I think."3

"Camila!" Lauren shrieked as she bound past him and raced toward the main
entrance of the building. Two paramedics carried a stretcher towards the waiting
ambulance while Lauren pushed her way through the crowd to get a glimpse of
the stretcher. There was a white sheet covering the body and that sight alone
buckled Lauren's knees beneath her.9

"No,no,no,no," Lauren yelled, both hands teared at her hair. "Is that Camila?" she
asked the paramedic in panic. The man simply growled, "Get out the damn way,"
knocking Lauren backward with his shoulder.

Someone touched her on the arm.

"Laur?", she whispered brokenly.69

It was Camila, pale as a ghost, but alive.

"Baby..." A broken cry slashed through Lauren's words. Camila's hair had half
fallen from its bun, her makeup lightly smeared beneath her eyes. Lauren pulled
the younger one into her arms and hugged her tightly. "I thought it was you. I
thought I lost you," she whispered into Camila's hair, drawing the younger one
tight into her arms. Lauren pressed a soft kiss to Camila's temple and asked her
quietly, "Are you okay, love?"41

Camila felt the tensing of Lauren's arm, the possessive way she cradled the
younger one closer. A flood of memories of the crashed into her. Camila thought
of how she poured her heart out to Lauren, only to be rejected and left alone in
return. Camila thought of how she spent the rest of her day bawling her eyes and
questioning her very existence. She thought of the young girl who lay on the
stretcher who didn't have enough fight left in her and thought it better to take her
own life away. These thoughts stole her ability to speak, to breathe. Tears burned
the back of her eyelids when she allowed herself think about it.

Lauren took hold of Camila's hand and walked her to a deserted area on the side
of their building. "Camz... I'm sorry I walked away from you earlier. It was a lot
to process and I..."

Camila interrupted. "It's been a long day and I just want to go to bed and start
over tomorrow," Camila revealed quietly, raising her pleading gaze up to meet
the older one. "Can we just lay together tonight?" she whimpered. Breaking her
gaze away, she whispered softly, "I just need you." 38

Lauren cradled Camila's face in her hands and kissed away the stray tears that
streamed down her cheeks. Jackson's words replayed in her head-to love by
risking failure, disappointment, disillusion. Love was a risk worth taking.

Lauren's stomach lurched as she brought her lips within inches of the younger
one. Even in the darkness, Lauren could see Camila's doe eyes widen, her teeth
piercing her lower lip. She looked stunned. Lauren's iridescent eyes moved down
to Camila's plump lips before coming back up to her chestnut orbs. Lauren's lips
gently hovered against hers in a barely-there tease for them both. Lauren
whispered in a thick voice she hardly recognized, "I really want to kiss you ...But
you're my best friend. I look at you and I see years of friendship that we could
ruin completely the moment we cross this line." 4

Camila took in a quick breath and licked her lips. "I'm not scared. I know what I
want." she replied in a husky tone. "I want you." Camila saw Lauren's eyes
change at that, sharpen, darken, focus. The younger one moved closer, lifted a
hand to lay it on Lauren's heart. And discovered that her heart was pounding.
"Stop overthinking and follow your heart. You've always said that the heart has
secrets the mouth refuses to utter."3

Lauren was so quiet it worried Camila and the longer the silence stretched the
more Camila feared what the older one would say when she broke it. She ached
with the desire to feel her lips but she also realized that it had to be on Lauren's
terms. It needed to be her decision.

"I have a tendency of hurting people and I don't want to hurt you," Lauren
sounded unsure, vulnerable, her pale green eyes locked onto Camila. "I'm
scared," Lauren confessed, her fingertips moved up to touch Camila's bottom lip.
Her thumb brushed over the younger one's lip and it felt as intimate as a kiss. She
watched Camila with an intensity that would make one uncomfortable. But
Camila stood there and stared right back, unfazed. Camila's chocolate brown hair
slipped out of her bun and irritated with the tug of its weight falling, she reached
up and yanked the tie out so that it all cascaded loose over her shoulders. The
younger one gave Lauren a look, one that made Lauren weak in the knees. It was
a smoldering, intense, all consuming look of desire, lust, and even love. 13

"Fuck," Lauren muttered, her voice rough. Lauren fused her mouth over Camila's
lips and just let go, allowed herself to sink into a kiss that held everything she
was feeling but wouldn't dare say. Lauren started with an agonizing slowness.
The kiss was warm and tender and lingering, as if this were a moment and a
place out of time meant for them alone. Camila's mouth parted slightly as moved
her arms around Lauren's neck, her fingers ruffling through Lauren's thick hair. 17

Trembling in her embrace, Camila drew in a long staggered breath. Lauren's kiss
had been filled with such aching tenderness, such sweet torment that Camila felt
tears stinging for release. Tears for a happiness she had always hoped to find.
This was a moment she'd dreamt of but never imagined it would become reality.
A moment so unexpected it would take a lifetime to fully appreciate. +
When Lauren broke away, she bit her bottom lip in flirty gesture, a small smile
played across her lips. "That was nice," she whispered happily. Lauren had been
stunned at how amazing it felt, how everything felt so beautiful, so right. 28

I died. Hby?17

Btw, the author (Ella) says hi!(:

Chapter 10
 23.5K  547  1K

por myshipperheartt

Camila woke up cold and alone. The bedroom was dark, lit only by a sliver of
moonlight peeking through the curtains. Camila unstuck her eyelids and peered
around motionless. Camila could make out the clock as it clicked over to three-
fifteen am. As she groggily turned over in bed she immediately noticed the
absence of the warm body that normally curled up beside her. She rolled over in
bed, sliding a hand over to the space beside her in reflex to the feeling of cold
sheets. Her twin bed was empty, the cover pulled back where Lauren had
climbed out. Camila sat up straight, looking around, listening to the dark house
for any sound of her moving around.

Everything was silent.

After their kiss, Lauren had been noticeably quiet. She retreated inside her own
thoughts and merely said goodnight before she fell asleep beside Camila. Camila
wondered if the kiss between had happened too soon. As much as she adored
Lauren’s soft lips pressed against her own, she wondered if it had frightened
Lauren. Lauren has always been more guarded with her feelings, always putting
on a tougher exterior and keeping most people at a distance. What if Lauren now
placed Camila in that category? What if their shared moment of pleasure ended
up doing more harm than good?

Camila pushed the covers back, determined to find the green-eyed girl. Her heart
raced from both jerking out of sleep and from irrational fear that somehow their
kiss had scared her away. She wasn’t in the bathroom or in the other bedroom.
She wasn’t in the kitchen or the living room either.

The balcony door squeaked open and Camila jumped at the sudden movement.
“Lauren?” Her heart tripped in throat as she stood still.

The older one’s head appeared in the balcony doorway with a cigarette that
dangled from the corner of her mouth. The curl of gray smoke twirled up from
the end of the cigarette as her eyes squinted, but even through the squint, Camila
could see mere solemnness come through. Camila knew Lauren must have been
in deep thought because that’s the only time her smoking habit surfaced. 20

Lauren pulled the cigarette out of her mouth with her thumb and forefinger.
“What are you doing up, baby? She asked, her voice husky. “You okay?”
Lauren’s aloof and brooding presence filled the balcony as she stood back against
the wall.34

Camila shook her head, her throat suddenly tight. “I woke up and you were gone.
I thought you left me.”

“Come here, Camz.” She shoved the door open even further with her foot and
held her hand out to the younger one.

Camila trudged across the living room, close to tears, feeling stupid and
vulnerable and needy. Lauren wrapped Camila in her arms and lightly kissed the
younger ones forehead before she pulled away.
“I couldn’t sleep,” Lauren replied as she blew the smoke out through her nostrils.
She looked at Camila with a faintly nervous expression. “I have a lot on my mind
right now,” she continued, her fingers trembled as she took another cautious
drag. Camila felt an odd tension between them which was unheard of in all their
years of friendship.

A dark, troubled cloud settled over Camila’s expression as her gaze met with
Lauren’s. “Are you thinking about our kiss?” she questioned, a resigned hurt
throbbing in her voice.

Lauren nodded her head in assent. She voiced her next thought before she could
censor herself. “I sorta regret the way things happened so quickly,” Lauren said,
her voice trailed off. She leaned against the wall, crossed her leg underneath her
as she took in another slow drag. “But we’ll be okay,” she continued with a false
smile.

That was a lie, Camila thought. Her bullshit radar was ringing like crazy but
before she could press any further, Lauren walked toward the balcony railing and
stubbed out her cigarette. Camila took a moment to appreciate Lauren’s profile-
she was mysterious and exotic- her unruly hair slide forward and hide a part of
her face away. Camila stood beside Lauren as she let her hand fall to her side and
waited for an accidental brush of their hands. In that moment she craved Lauren’s
touch, she wanted to feel Lauren’s sleder hands against her own, the light but
firm pressure signaling a new kind of longing, a longing defined by desire rather
than friendship. Camila’s whole being felt as though it were concentrated in the
fingers of her right hand as it lay counterpart to Lauren’s. Causally, almost
indifferently, Camila reached for Lauren’s hand but instantly drew back when
Lauren flinched at the contact. What little hope Camila had left of a possible
relationship with Lauren was destroyed in that second. Despite the kiss, she
realized that they would never more than just a good idea. And that thought alone
devastated her.15

LA HISTORIA CONTINÚA ABAJO

TAMBIÉN TE GUSTARÁN

Camren: Nothing feels like you

Por wwake_me_upp
 326K  7.5K

Lauren was a child who disliked being around people and Camila was just a bubbly kid. Both meet when
the Cabello's move into Miami next to the Jauregui's residence and surprisingly, Camila managed to
make friends with the tough Lauren.

Starting Again CAMREN

Por CamzbelloLauregui
 103K  2.1K

Will Camila continue to screw things up or will she finally get to have the relationship she wants with
Lauren. Sequel to Love Finds A Way (CAMREN).
Just So You Know
Por myshipperheartt
 17.2K  402

Lauren's never been one to settle down for too long. In fact, she's been responsible for more than her fair
share of broken hearts in the past. However, everything changes when she meets a recently single
Camila, because for the first time in her life, Lauren wants to be the person to mend one. The only
problem is that Camila proves to be more of a challenge than she'd initially expected...

Revealed
Por cafardregui
 222K  6.7K

Sequel to Influence
Nirvana - Sequel to "I've Always Been Around...
Por StrongWarrior13
 168K  3.5K

They Don't Know About Us (Camren FanFic)

Por Christini_98
 481K  5.5K

You make flowers grow in my lungs, they're beautiful, but I can't breathe.
Fifth Harmony have put their X Factor past behind them and are moving up in the music industry, as
they do, Lauren and Camila find themselves in a different world. But what happens when both worlds
collide? With the rising fame, their relationship suffers for it and both must fight to stay together and
keep it a secret. But when things get too hard, will one walk away from it all or will Lauren's princess
and Camila's prince get their happy ending?

“I know my feelings for you scare you,” Camila said sadly, “but please don’t
push me away.” She tilted her head, causing her bangs to fall over her eyes. Her
shoulders slumped forward and the usual light in her eyes dimmed.

“I’m not scared,” Lauren muttered as she cast her eyes to the ground, avoiding
Camila’s gaze. Lauren combed her hair with her fingers as if she were distraught,
but it also made her hair stand up in a rakish and adorable way. 3

“Then why won’t you look at me?” the younger one questioned. “Look at me and
tell me you’re not trying to push me away,” she demanded. Camila put a finger
underneath Lauren’s chin and tried to nudge her head up.
Biting her lip, Lauren took in an unsteady breath and shook her head slowly.
“I’m not pushing you away Camz,” her emerald green eyes searched the younger
one as she spoke. There was an incredible softness in them that was rarely seen, a
total and complete vulnerability. That look came seldom from Lauren who was
normally so guarded and analytical. “You’re not some random person that I can
screw around and fuck with their feelings. I made a promise to myself years ago
that I intend on keeping. That promise was to never hurt you,” she paused and
took a step closer to Camila.1

The younger one stared at Lauren, she’d long accepted that those long, thoughtful
looks from the older one would stir her blood. Fuck, she’s in my veins, Camila
thought. She understood the feeling of wanting something so self destructive,
knowing that the only end gain would be heartache. 14

They stood there in silence, embracing the tranquility that the darkness offered.
The utter absence of noise had quickly become unnerving. As they watched the
night, cool rain began to fall in tentative drops landing against the ground with
the tenderness of a mother’s whisper.

“Did the kiss mean anything to you?” Camila asked cautiously. She treaded the
topic carefully knowing one wrong turn would cause Lauren to close up.

Lauren shifted her position and extended her arms to hang over the side of the
railing as she contemplated the younger ones question. She didn’t answer for a
moment. Her mind had gone glass-blank at the way those quiet, dark eyes glared
back at her. The easy answer would have been no. The easy answer would have
been to say that their kiss was a flighty mistake made in the spur of a stupid
moment. The problem was that Lauren couldn’t convince herself that their kiss
meant nothing. She couldn’t erase from her memory the way Camila’s soft lips
crashed against her own- the feather light brush of Camila’s mouth against her
own felt like perfection, like that moment was meant to be. She replayed that kiss
countless times and tucked away every detail. She couldn’t deny the way her
pulse skipped a beat when they came together but she also couldn’t deny the
careful part of her brain that told her to react cautiously.

It should feel strange, said the logical part of her brain. But it doesn’t, said her
heart, where that soft little tug encouraged her to crave more. Camila was the one
constant thing in her life. Suddenly something that had always been so familiar
now felt foreign, complex and different. A part of Lauren was drawn to the idea
of discovering a new realm of intimacy with Camila. A part of her resisted the
thought of having to exchange stability and comfort for a risk that could change
everything for the worst.

“Camz, I care about you so much.” Lauren structured her words carefully. “I care
so much that I do not know how to tell you without it seeming insignificant
compared to how I feel. Of course our kiss meant something. I just don’t know
how to describe what it means for us. If I seem guarded, it is only because this
whole thing terrifies me,” Lauren finally admitted. “I’d risk everything to protect
us, our friendship. Because in the end, that’s all I’ve got.” Her lashes fluttered
against her cheek as she dismally cast her gaze to the ground. 2

LA HISTORIA CONTINÚA ABAJO

“Lauren, that’s not why you’re guarded,” Camila pointed out, her deep brown
eyes narrowed in thought. “I don’t believe you’re afraid of the concept of us. I
think you’re scared to allow your heart to open up to the idea of love.” Camila’s
voice softened. “When Christopher died, your parents emotionally abandoned
you. They scarred you more deeply than anything that bleeds. And now you
blame yourself because of it. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re toxic and
you try to protect people by staying away. Mike and Clara destroyed something
inside of you long ago and you haven’t been the same since.”
Lauren stood there frozen, almost unable to take in all that she was hearing. A
storm of memories crashed into Lauren and stole her ability to speak, to breathe.
Tears burned the back of her eyelids as it always did whenever she allowed
herself think about her childhood. The truth of Camila’s word struck her to the
core, it was as if she’d been looking at herself in a out-of-focus frame and Camila
painted everything in in detail-sharp clarity. Camila was the only person that
could read into her most private, raw thoughts and break into her carefully
guarded heart.

“They.. they broke me,” Lauren said softly, looking up with eyes brimming with
more fear than Camila had ever seen in them. The huskiness of her voice was
made more pronounced by a slight quiver. Lauren could not physically handle
the weight of truth in Camila’s words. The measure of her observations were
always spot on and brought out a vulnerability in Lauren that was sometimes
hard to grasp.

Camila lifted a hand to Lauren’s cheek and gently brushed away a fresh tear that
had fallen. Lauren shivered beneath her touch. “It kills me when you cry,”
Camila murmured. Her skin felt so warm and soft, she didn’t want to pull it
away. She held her hand against Lauren’s face as she drew in the next breath. “I
want you to stop being afraid. Love isn’t tangible, you can’t hold onto it and
make sure that it never changes. That’s the part that terrifies you. It sucks
because you’re spending so much energy on guarding your heart rather than
experiencing something that may help you heal it.”

Camila stretched her arms out and pulled Lauren into a tight embrace. She
pressed her cheek against the crook of Lauren’s neck and whispered into her hair.
“I just want a chance. All I’m asking is that you agree to at least try.” The
insecurity in Camila voice melted Lauren’s heart. 1
“And if it doesn't work out, will you still be my best friend?” Lauren questioned
in a small voice. She sank into the younger one’s warm hug, thankful that Camila
felt the need to hold on for longer than usual. She could hear Camila’s heart
hammering, the pace nearly matching her own.

“That will never change. I promise,” Camila replied. “I’m just asking you not to
shut yourself off from something that’s already in your heart.”

Lauren pulled away but still kept her arms around Camila’s waist. She chewed on
her lower lip in debate.”If we’re going to try this then I’d like to take things slow.
We’ll keep it casual and slowly ease into things.” 13

“Oh, I’m the queen of slow,” Camila replied with a grin. Her brown eyes light
with affection and warmth. “It did take me eight years to tell you I had feelings
for you.”11

Lauren chuckled and wrinkled her nose to cover her laugh. “Okay, Queen slow,”
she mumbled. “I have to be up for Biochem in a few hours and I haven’t even
gone over my notes. Are you coming to bed?” she asked, her eyelids getting
heavier by the moment.

“Uh, I will in a moment,” the brunette answered. “I have work on a few things.”
Camila leaned forward and placed a small kiss on Lauren’s cheek, fearing
anything more passionate might destroy the fragile thread that bound them still.

“Night love,” Lauren whispered as she groggily walked back into the house. 1

Camila watched her walk away and could not contain the sudden stream of
inspiration she had felt. A dizzying surge of hope flooded through her veins,
rushed straight over to her heart as the sudden need to write her thoughts into
words overcame her. She stumbled through the living room until she found her
journal and poured her heart unto paper.
 LA HISTORIA CONTINÚA ABAJO

For LJ I will kiss you like forgiveness.

You will hold me like I’m hope.23

Our arms will bandage and we will press promises

between us like flowers in a book.

I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin.

I will write novels to the scar of your nose.

I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying

to describe the way it feels to have finally,

finally found you.

And I will not be afraid

of your scars.

I know sometimes

it’s still hard to let me see you

in all your cracked perfection,

but please know:

whether it’s the days you burn

more brilliant than the sun

or the nights you collapse into my lap

your body broken into a thousand questions,

you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

I will love you when you are a still day.

I will love you when you are a hurricane.20

(poem is by Clementine von Radics)

“Always,” Camila whispered to herself as she put her journal away.

————————-

The class was Physical Diagnosis, its purpose to instruct the student in how to
deal with patients. Professor Jackson Avery taught the course, he wore his
stethoscope like a High Priest’s breastplate and had a manner as starched as his
white lab coat. Camila watched as he approached Lauren before class, probably
whispering sweet nothings in her ear. I hate him, Camila thought. He was, in her
opinion, too handsome for his own good, too smooth for anyone else’s. She hated
the way Lauren ate his every word, gazing up at him with dreamy eyes. A little
fissure of jealousy opened up inside her; she muscled it closed. She said we’re
taking it slow, Camila told herself as she began to unpack her textbooks from her
satchel.1

She sat at the table with her fellow group mates, Dinah Hamilton and Ally
Hernandez. This particular course required a study group of four, names had been
drawn and sent to the students via email. They had met at Starbucks a few times
a week and Camila really enjoyed the instant camaraderie that she felt amongst
them. Their friendship came easy and they were now her companions at Harvard.
She trusted them.67

At her five-foot-seven height, Dinah easily towered over the three of them. She
was freakishly beautiful with voluminous honey-brown hair and large almond
shaped eyes the color of soft amber. She originated from Southern California,
came from an extremely large family, and had an infectiously bubbly personality-
one that oozed confidence. Ally was a petite southern belle who hailed from San
Antonio,Texas. She had a minuscule frame, was partial headbands, and always
maintained stark blonde highlights through her chestnut hair. Ally came from
money- her father owned a massive oil rig, she was privileged yet down to earth. 9

LA HISTORIA CONTINÚA ABAJO

“Lo’s been talking to Professor Jackson for a hot minute,” Dinah announced, her
BlackBerry, as always, remained at easy reach. The sleek ponytail left her face
unframed, and the crisp white coat transmitted student mode as she studied the
two from afar. “I didn’t know they were close. I’d like to be close to that fine
piece of ass,” she remarked with a smirk as she licked her lips. 20

“Dinah Jane, that’s inappropriate,” Ally teasingly reprimanded.

“Mmmhmm girl, I’m just sayin what everyone be thinking.” Dinah angled her
phone and snapped a quick selfie. “Damn, I look good today.” 13

“He’s not that cute.” Camila said immediately. “I mean yeah, he’s a Vogue
model type of hot but who’d want to be in a relationship with that type of
perfection.”2

“I’d volunteer as tribute,” Dinah quipped. “He sexy…. yes very sexy. In a
handsome stranger kind of way.”2

Camila crossed her arms and sank lower in her seat, feeling a jealous rage
bubbled through her. “I totally agree with Dinah! He seems like the type of guy
that would open the doors on a date, smile at the right moments during the
conversation, and would give you the most exotic bouquet of flowers just to see
you smile.”Ally sighed dreamily.
“I can’t compete with him,” Camila muttered dejectedly underneath her breath. 1

“Wait, hold the fuck up,” Dinah said as she slammed her hands on the table. “Did
you just say compete? What does that even mean?” 4

Camila caught herself as her eyes widened. “I didn’t mean to say that,” she
countered, taking her gaze away from the group.

“Is there something going on between you and Lauren?” Ally questioned eagerly
as she leaned forward.

Camila stayed silent.

“OMG,” Dinah clued in excitedly, “I’ve always wanted lesbian friends!” 110

“Dinah! You’re so embarrassing! Its not even like that,” Camila shrieked, her
heart clutched in panic. She put her hands over her face as she spoke through her
fingers. “I shouldn’t be talking about this.”

“Have you guys had lady sex yet?” Amused and delighted, Dinah grinned
seductively.28

“What? No? I’ve never even thought about that!” Camila ran her fingers through
her hair, Camila’s cheeks reddened with the thought. “The only thing we’ve
shared was a kiss. That’s all.”

“You kissed her?” Dinah piped in.

“No, she kissed me,” Camila replied coyly with a slight smile tugging the corners
of her lips.

“Was there any titty and ass grabbing action?” Dinah questioned. 64

“Dinah!” both Ally and Camila squealed simultaneously.

Dinah shrugged. “I’m just trying to get some details.”

“So what’s your status then? Are you guys dating?” Ally chimed in, a hopeful
glint in her eyes.

Camila hesitated. She didn’t know what to say. How could she even explain their
relationship when Camila didn’t quite understand it herself? “Well, uh… no.
Lauren’s not sure how she feels yet. She’s open to the idea of something more
but she wants to take things slow,” she explained. Camila bit her bottom lip as
her gaze lifted towards Lauren who was still deeply engrossed in conversation
with Jackson. “We’re not exclusive or anything.” She let out a long breath.

Ally studied Camila- the student, full of promise, had always seemed
untouchable yet this topic made her vulnerable, it was evident that Lauren was
her weakness. This wasn’t just a school-girl crush. “How long have you been in
love with her?” Ally asked.

LA HISTORIA CONTINÚA ABAJO

“Long enough to know that I’m tired of it being one-sided.” Camila felt herself
blushing at her admission, a sheepish look on her face. 1

“Aww Mila.” Dinah reached over and hugged her from the side. “You should ask
her out on a date.”

“Yeah Mila,” Ally agreed. “You guys have to start somewhere.”

“Well I do have some ideas. I want our first date to be memorable. It’s funny
because I’ve actually been planning it for awhile but never thought it would
become a reality.” She smiled in childlike excitement. “You both have to help me
sort the details out.”

“Yaass gurl. I’ll help you pick out some lingerie so you can scissor and shit,”
Dinah exclaimed. Camila snapped her fingers in front of Dinah’s face. 149
“Calmate!” Camila said while slapping Dinah’s arm. “You’re such a pervert!” 3

“Ooo I like it when you speak lesbian Spanish to me.” Dinah winked in the
young Latina’s direction. Ally burst into laughter as she tossed back her lush
mane of brown hair.62

“Hey guys,” Lauren said as she took her place beside Camila. “What’s so
funny?”

“Uh… we were making fun of Camila’s glasses…” Dinah stammered, avoiding

Lauren gaze.  

“Aww, babe. I think your glasses are sexy.” Lauren gave Camila a quick, casual
kiss on the cheek before she sat down.22

“Thank me later bitch,” Dinah mouthed to Camila.The younger one rolled her
eyes and focused her attention on Dr.Jackson as class began. 12

————————

Lauren was deep in slumber when Camila nudged her awake.

“Oh, my God, what time is it?” Lauren asked groggily. She sat up and reached
for her phone. “Two-thirty in the morning, Camz this better be good,” she sighed,
still wanting to cling to sleep.1

Camila had spent the last couple weeks rehearsing what she would say. The
opening line… the opening line… Camila concentrated and felt the line
beginning to form in bits and pieces.Lauren stared at her, waited for her to say
something, anything. “I…I would to ask you out…on a date…tonight…” Camila
stammered as she nervously wrung fingers. Well that was smooth. Makeup-less
Lauren was the most beautiful thing in the world to Camila and that ruined her
train of thought.18
“Wait, you’re asking me to go out with you right now?” Lauren said with a
curious blend of confusion and patience. Her voice was low and husky and that
stirred Camila to her core.

“Yes. I want our first date to be different,” Camila explained, “I just think of the
all the guys that have done the standard ‘dinner and a movie’ date and you’ve
always complained about that. So I want to done something different, something
I know you’ll love. So… um can I take you out?” She sent Lauren a pleading
look.

Lauren sensed the sincerity in her words. She couldn’t help noticing how
beautiful Camila was standing there with those huge brown eyes, looking
hopeful. She reached over and hugged Camila and it was the hug that always
made Camila’s heart mush. Serious grip, cheek to the hair, eyes closed, just a
little sway. Lauren’s hugs mattered, she thought, and made her impossible to
resist. “Thank you,” she whispered against the younger ones neck.

————————

The night was muggy, an early thunderstorm having swept through and made the
earth steam. Lightening bugs frantically flew around illuminating the dark path.
At her side, Lauren occasionally waved her hands around to fight them off.

LA HISTORIA CONTINÚA ABAJO

They were walking down a long narrow clearing surrounded by a huge field thick
with ridges of green-brown mud and tall patches of straw grass.  Camila stole a
glance at Lauren beside her, and for once, she didn’t think the older one noticed.
Lauren seemed distracted and a bit nervous. She wore a short, vintage floral-print
dress paired with boots and a denim vest. Her hair flowed in thick waves down
her back. Lauren wore no makeup and Camila loved the way the moonlight made
her skin transparent and flawless.3

 "So what are you thinking?" Camila asked as they walked in a comfortable
silence.

Lauren smiled. ”About the fact that I’ve known you my whole life and have
never run out of things to say but now I’m pretty speechless.” A hint of
nervousness shone in Lauren’s eyes. “I mean first dates are about getting to know
one another but I already know everything about you.”

“Not everything,” said Camila, smiling mischievously.

“Tell me one thing I don’t know about you,” Lauren replied.

“Did you know that I have a glabella?” Camila smirked. 17

“Yeah, smart ass. I have one too.”

“You don’t even know what a glabella is!” she retorted.

“Yes I do!” Lauren reached up and softly touched the spot between Camila’s
eyebrows. “That is your glabella. I’m guessing you thougt you were the only
genuis here.” she teased. Her eyes sparkled. “I bet you don’t even know where
your philtrum is,” Lauren challenged.15

“You’re right, I don’t.” Camila looked up at her, eyes hazy. “Show me.”

“It’s the small indent from the nose to the upper lip. Some mythologies say it’s a
mark left by the angel Gabriel, who touches his fingers to a baby’s lip before it’s
born.”7

“Why?”
“To keep them from telling the secrets of Heaven.” She smiled at Camila,
something warmed in her chest. The look of pure curiosity on her face was
endearing.

“So this is your philtrum?,” Camila reached out and dipped her index finger into
the cradle of Lauren’s upper lip. She wanted Lauren’s mouth, wanted to trace her
index finger along her lips and, if Lauren would let her, push for entrance.
Instead Camila shifted her hand to Lauren’s cheek. A safe terrain, with no name
that she knew of to make her heart pound. “Well, you learn something new
everyday,” she said breathlessly.1

Lauren nodded her head in agreement and turned away. “So for our first date,
you’ve taken me to a dark deserted field?” Lauren quirked her brows up. “What
are you planning, Camz?”

“Close your eyes and I’ll show you,” she replied. Camila walked up behind
Lauren and placed her hands over the older ones eyelids and guided her towards
the right. A few minutes went by before Camila moved her hands away.

“Holy shit,” Lauren muttered in utter shock. On the top of a small hill before
them was a large multicolored hot air balloon. The driver waved as he tended to
the burner. “Wait, how the hell did you..” she stammered, unable to finish her
words. “I don’t understand.”13

Camila chuckled at her astonishment. Lauren has always been fascinated by hot
air balloons and to ride it was one of the items on her bucket list. Ally help
Camila pull major strings with her connections. Nothing felt better than watching
Lauren in complete and utter shock.

“I know its not daytime but there’s a specific reason I wanted to take this ride at
night.” Camila walked towards the hill while Lauren stood still taking everything
in. Lauren ran up behind Camila and jumped on her back, wrapping her arms and
legs tightly around the younger one, catching her by surprise and almost
knocking her over. Lauren bent her head and kissed the side of the younger ones
neck which made Camila laugh quietly. “This is already the best night of my life.
Thank you,” Lauren whispered, a little breathless with surprise and a kind of
excitement she hadn’t felt in a long time. 9

LA HISTORIA CONTINÚA ABAJO

They both climbed into the holding basket as the handler greeted them. Lauren
looked around and noticed a telescope in the corner. As they lifted off, Lauren
gazed up at the quiet stars above, barely able to take in the beauty of the quiet
stars above. She stood in awe of the millions of lights around her, the nightsky
cloudless and lucid. She was always reminded of how scarce and delicate life
was, how insignificant they were compared with the grandeur of the dimensions
of space.1

“This view is breathtaking,” Lauren muttered beneath her breath.

“I agree,” Camila said as she stared at Lauren. “Here,” Camila walked over the
the telescope. “You’ll get a better look through this.” Lauren smiled at her, she
knew that Camila was aware of her obsessions with stars. The fact that Camila
put all of this together rendered her speechless, no one had ever cared about her
tiny details like Camila had.8

Camila stood behind her and closed the space between them. She wrapped her
arms around Lauren’s waist. She felt Lauren breath a sigh of relief at the safeness
that was felt when Camila was near. They both peered through the sky, noted
different constellations. Camila had a particular one in mind that she knew would
be special to Lauren. She reached across and guided the telescope toward the
Northern sky and zoomed into the constellation Lyra. Lyra was small
constellation that contained one of the brightest stars in the sky, Vega. The
beautiful blue-white star glimmered in the clear night. 1

“Do you know the mythology behind Vega?” Camila asked softly. Lauren leaned
back, rested her head on Camila’s shoulder and nodded her head no. “Well Vega
was a celestial prince. He had a mortal sister who he was incredibly close to.
That sister was called Altair and her star is over there.” Camila pointed the
telescope to the left. “You see, they had to be separated because if their powers
collided, the whole world would cease to exist, their love was that powerful. So
the two siblings were placed in the sky, where they were separated by the
Celestial River, known to us as Milky Way.” Camila paused before saying, “each
year, on the 7th night of the 7th moon, Vega shines brighter than other time of
the year and actually attempts to move across the Celestial River.” 18

Upon hearing the myth, Lauren instantly remembered the time she told
Christopher that when he died, he’d be the brightest star in the sky, shining bright
to remind her of his love. Camila was aware of the special behind this story and
she couldn’t help the wash of tears that stung her eyes. A huge grin lit Lauren’s
face as she stared up at the Vega star, admiring its beauty. “I was always told that
the stars are openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through
and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy. That quote has never felt
as true as it does now.”

Camila reached into her pocket and handed Lauren a piece of paper.

This certifies the star having the coordinates below is hereby designated:
Christopher Jauregui85

She jerked her gaze up to Camila, jaw agape in shock. “You named Vega after
Christopher?”

Camila handed her a second certificate, “I also named Altair after you.” 53
Lauren paused long enough for Camila to see about five different emotions flit
across her face before she eventually landed on one… gratitude. “Camz.” It came
out a near-reverent sigh. Camila’s eyelids drifted shut as Lauren lightly brushed
her lips against the younger one.  Lauren’s guard was let down as waves of
tender feelings lapped over the walls surrounding her heart. The feelings flooded
through and spilled through every crack. It frightened Lauren to the point of no
return, she could possibly fall in love with the girl that stood before her. Her
heart pounded hard and thudded audibly in her chest. And for the first time in her
life, she saw Camila in a new light, not the goofy little sister or her trusted
companion. A new attraction formed and the world stopped moving. And Lauren
felt like she was floated in midair. And the only thing that kept her from drifting
away was those sweetly sexy brown eyes. The brown eyes that held the emerald
ones captive, connected by some invisible physical force. 12

Unable to keep her hands away, Lauren tenderly cupped the younger ones cheek.
Camila’s thick lashes fluttered closed as she turned her face into Lauren’s palm.
Ever so gently, Camila kissed the inside of the older one’s hand. The inch or so
between them was eliminated before another second could pass. They stood thigh
to thigh, chest to chest, and feasted on the feel of each other. 7

With a reverence that shocked her, Lauren lowered her head and claimed
Camila’s mouth. Their lips meet in the sweetest, most profound kiss Camila had
ever experienced. Passion smoldered just beneath the surface, but this was a
different kind of kiss- one that Camila did not know how to define.

When Lauren lifted her mouth away, Camila smiled up at her and tears clouded
her eyes. “That was beautiful,” Camila whispered.

"You’re beautiful." Lauren tucked a strand of hair around the younger one’s ear
and traced Camila’s temple with her fingertips. 3
They stayed wrapped in each others arms as the sun began to break through the
horizon, signaled the start of a brand new day. And for the first time, Lauren was
excited about what the future held between the both of them.

 This is Jackson- http://ellej96.tumblr.com/post/91960935276 12

 And red-hair Lauren would look like this-

http://zeymarjr.tumblr.com/post/65058760418/imagine-lauren-with-red-hair 13

I'M DROWNING BECAUSE OUR HOUSE IS FLOODED WITH MY

OWN FEELS, SEND HELP!

P.S. RED-HAIRED LAUREN IS HOT AF