: i | i SAMUEL FRENC a ‘Surpuisingly emotional, hysterical er ee en eter a go ISIN 978.-0-573.70116.0 Ah 3 701760)Produced by The Wesy Cony |. (Asideer Hobgoos, Arise Direc Bran Lane Ane Cees) ih fle 28,2011. the predetin was deel oy sees Reeves and asin directo by ane Tol, with solely Mebane a Nathan Roles ig hy Garvin Jltgn, sored cone 12 Sete Tedemans, prope design by Seliy Wik, and seca aes PRatt McCormack. The Saip Superisor was Jue! Kon Bones ae Shee gi See Managers were Jesien Whisitgion anf Somes Shuma The case folione LOUIE stave. Mary Hollis Inboden WREN ROMIK..| : Meg fons INKY Capauay . hea bas DaLe Pais bene Maa Since VERONICA “VERN” SCHULE, fo Bet Steing RAESMILNS EATING 9 QUIGITE teciced i New Both Chy promiere on ISIE 10, 82 ss ps ofthe New York Intemational Hinte Fenee de preteen othe Psescm Coupany Biens Holy rentcing eis Salen a We Lining Theste. The production trastonea oi Selle Povbouse aren Lee Cole, arinte Dict) iu Sopa ey S012 BIE OF he Ee ygeNVE Encore Seri nl began an eee ganesh Rota Rot ig hy Nichole) Caray soa eae Fi Gary Fetermnos ancl props design iy Shelly Witon toe eae sete were fae xt aud Noah Lentich nn the Prods ‘Stage Manager wis Suny Yaw, The ens nos lions LOUIE STaNWveER (WREN ROBIN . Meg Jobs Ginny CADRURY (ain Chucks DALE PRISE... Maaei Suorst VERONICA “VERN” sca Vhea La. Te NNR veto 8 Latins ating hurr was cousin by nig Mew Colony basa on atenmyutevenion, writewana ree ed UL Rean Linder, presented in 2010 by ollboricton tt Sherchhooe ea Chicago, tai rie hlaperlgtns wowld tke co give special thauks vr John anion Cee Antony Moscey a! Colaboraction. Nicholle Dos browses SRAE Bile the Dank Hav, les K. Hoty ami Brit rated ae [New Yor Tmternationl Pine Fesiea?CHARACTERS: LULTE STANWYCR = President WHEN ROBIN EVENTS - Choirmoran GINNY CADBURY ~Seereiary DALE PRIST ~ Historian CA “VERN" SCHULT2—Butings ane Grounds Chaban SETTING A community center mitidle Ameren where die asus Qiche Bresifas of the Susan B Aathory Society forthe Skene? Gertie Stain is being hed TIME Tey, 1956 PRODUCTION NOTES. Any fnes shat are booksended with brackets can be suid by the actor however they Sel each night be the sbeition soul Keep ts the ‘ten lines intent, Wiens IT can't Fear Oh, ahi is dangerous | ould become (08, ladies! ean too euch] Thi prpane of eek brackets sco inject spemiateocs moment ino each perforinanee shed ill never be seen the sane way orice. The aetors should follow thei {nstincs and say how the character is thinkig/Fecling inthe rroment {in tha moment, nothing new comes to mind ~ yor can shen ars to wat iit, [ion you cove upon “7 in the seri, eames that the ftioning Five shout besin a the sash mark andthe ine being spoken should Continue fo the en ofthe sentence Bach save the name of thesistenood is spoken, the ees of ie charseters shot join in on Society for the Sisters of Gert Stein ‘The meted forthe song in Scenes Land V should he imprensed ?Scene I (WREN, DALE, and VERN all come bursting out inte the crowd. They are friends with everyone. They aa lb the Aelos with the audience: *14CHLLE! fa momber ofthe udience} How're your orchids doing?!” WREN hermes Guerwheted by i all and has to hoot off a title steam, She then brings the meeting to orden) WREN. Oh, Vern! Ob iny!! OH! This looks beautiful (She can't stop herself from: hooting} 029000000000000H!!1; 00000000000000000ri:!!! (Ste composes hemelf. Or atleast makes «great effer.) WREN. Laditiiest (De sisters gather. She addresses the audience.) Fellow Widows! Ladysisters! Welcome! Welcome to 7 the 1ovstnr toDay's bare) meeting of the Susan B, Anthony Society for the Sisters of Gertmde Stein! 1 ain your Events Chairwoman, Wren Robin, and tain ao happy to welcome you a to the 1956 Quiche Breakiave! (The widews applaud.) VERN, Hop to it, Dale! That's a photo, {DALE leaps out to snap a photo of WREN which REN is tromediately ready fox Click. VERN is acing around the audience, inspecting the troops.) DALE. Nice pose, Wrent OSWREN ons.) HEN, Thank yon Dale. Isn't Pate just ove this moraing? Tknow mest of you probably walked in and thought to5 LESBIANS EATING 4 QUICHE yourselves, “Who is this...beantiful, porcelain doll!” But it was just Date! (Remembers sudden) WREN. (cont.) Ob And let us all give « round of applause fo Vern Schnlw for oar Comunity Center's fully = modernized facelift! Doesn't dhis place look just beautifull VERN, Thank you, Sisters! (GINNY rushes in) GINNY. Sisters! Lulie is almost done judging the quiches and then we'll be ready to start the meeting, WRUN. Oh, sisters! Did you hear that? (CWREN and DALE busy themselves setting up.) VERN, Ginny. I waited for you earlien T thought we were going to walk over together, GINNY, Oh Vern, I completely forgot! F've been so frazaled getting ready for tovlay. VERN, No. It's fine. Lonise walked over here with me after 1 fied her for a pant suit. (VERN gives « seductive smile to the euctionce member GINNY gives Louise @ Lok.) GINWY, I didn't even know you and LOUISE were friends, VERN. (ying éo make her jealous) Well, she’s not my fist choice, But] could certainly get used to ber kind of walk. GINNY. No! Vern, uly I've just been pre-occupied. 1 haven't been able co think about anything bnt quic VERN. You're excited about eating that prize quiche, are you? GINNY. More than anything! VERN. Very well, Pt accept that WREN. Ginny, how many quiches were subrnitved thE LESBIANS RATING 4 QUICHE GINNY. Well, we have [NUMBER OF AUDIENCE MEMBERS ATTENDING] sisters here in atlendance today, and all but one submitted a quiche. DALE. Who wonldn’t submit a quiche? (VERN as spodied some in the austionce) ‘VERN. Looks like there's someone here who's too ashamed to let the light of day see her quiche ever again, (She walks up to the audionce moraber that has bien fre- selected as Marjorie.) ‘VERN, Fsn't that right, Masjorie? (The sisters gasp.) WREN. {trying to be polite) Oh my. Marjorie. I didn’t sce you. Our dhere with all the other widows, DALE. Yeah, Marjorie. We're used to seeing you up here with the other officers, GINNY. (She remembers the siries.) Ob... Marjorie, ‘Vary. ‘That's right. The Marjorie, WREN. Now, novw, sisters, We can all discuss Masjor from grace immediately after the meeting. VERN. Let's do that by the way. Inuncdiately after the meeting, Let's get that on the agenda, Ginny! °s fall (GINNY pulls out @ small notepad.) GINNY. I have nade note of i as an Action Item: DALE, [Ohi An action iterat] WREN. Oh sisters! The anticipation is so incredible! GINNY. I’m so excited for my first qniche breakfast! WREN. Yes! And welcoine to you Ginny! We're all so fortunate to be together fike this today. Not that I have to tell you that. This is such an important day to all of us, of course. VERN. Amen sister! WREN. [1 makes you appreciate how brave our dear founder Lady Ulrika Monmone was. fo live alone in she woods all those years, amongst the creatures and5 LESHIANS EATING 4 QUICHE birds and berries that colony of chi Produce the bac WRUN, The egg! GINNY. The egg! DAME OM! That reminds met have @ surprise for everyone. (OME mischicousy smiles ed heads tons the exe) ANE Now now Dale, your must hurry. Lule i almost ready. DALE. I'll be really quick! (She hands her camera to CANNY.) anyone stikes anything resembling a pose = GINNY. Absolutely. [won't let you down, (DALE ges to the exit “pose testing CANNY, itand dicks) GDN. You were testing mi DALE. Tras testing you, GINNY, (with pride)¥ou were testing mie! DALE. Guilty! (DALE exits) NAAN Ginny have a new agenda tha Pike to ada vo the agenda for today! GWNY. The agenda is almost / fled, Wren, WHEN. Thank you! This is important! While I vas walking sere this morning it suck me: we need more puke Fences 19 shavel We have a park. And i's beantifer beg Ne teed more! So T would ike to propose. ~ for the very first time = ~ that we build and then donate a ranger station VARY: Men, We've been over chix There's no use fora Ranger Station. Because there ate no rangers in chin3 LESBIANS KATING 4 QUIGHE WREN, Oh, I don’t think that’s tramuet 1 think thae if ve build the station, the rangers will come to it! And it could be right iu the center of town. 1 know the perfect place for it Right in the centett And if there is ‘ever an cmtergeacy, Pl just pull out the a! phone tree, call evetyone up and say, “Yoodle-ool Meet me at the Rangers Station!” and you all would know what f talking about! Oh, and I could keep an ese out tor any Kind of Soviet invasion — VERN, Whoa, whoa, whoa. In the event of « Communist attack ~ there's s much safer place to go than a Ranger Station, WHEN, Where are you mggesting? VERN. Well, Wren, I'm suggesting you're standing in i, WREN. In what? VERN. Only the safest place in America ‘Today. You see, ‘Wren, as buildings and grounds chairman, this facility fs under the care of my person, which means, by extension, you are all under my person, and while anyone is under my person...Giany! GINNY. Yes? VERN. I expect to be obeyed. GINNY. (lying so not succumb to this...) 've...made note of it ‘YERN. Give ‘ein the cour, Ginny. GINNY, Well I did have this later om the agenda, but 1 suppose we cant break from procedure for this one matter. VERN. That's right. GINNY, {Widows, as you VERN. Ginny. (She leans in a bit) Like L asked you to do it GINNY. [Vern, I eel silly = } VERN. (the final word) Ginny, wrobably know when VeruS LESBIANS EATING a QUICHE (GINNY stands at attention like she is mading @ Royal Proclamation.) GINNY. (in a VERY British accent) Upon the impeachment of the previous Buildings and Grourids Chairman. Marjorie (hey tm and glare once mor) ‘One Veronica Schultz was elected to the post and «asked with renovating this Commuvity Genter. Under her direction, this facility was outfitied with a topot- thetine security system, VERN. (stepping over to the security door) Exhibit A. As you know, a point of contention between myself and the beautification committee was this security door. ‘Though eventually we were all able to see eye 10 ee, GINNV. IFanyone needs to step outside to the powder room curing the breakfast, you are more than welcome to do 90, VERN. ((o Maxjrie) Respectfully. (VERN should hold this look as long as the asedience allows, Ad the other sisters agree with it. This i serous The last time Marjorie used the bathroom...dets just say aa disastrous.) GINNY. Yes. Now, in the event of an atomic bomb, there are= (DALE renters with a large framed portrait. The ‘audience can only see the back of the frame.) DALE, Look what I havet VERN. (to GINNY) That's okay, We can cover that part later: ‘WREN. Oh. my! What is thax Dale? PALE. I thought Lulie would love this! I was digging through the archives the other day and made the most incredible discovery! (She twos the portrait around so that everyone can sae An absolutely hideous picture of Lady Moninant holding ‘an axe is revealed. Oochs end Aaabs:)5 LESBIANS EATING a QuTOME PALE, I found this old candid ~ very candid ~ portrait of Lady Monmont, taken whest she was clearing the subdivision now known as *Onk Tree Falls. (Murmurs of agnsement from the widows.) PALE, Now yon ean see here she is remening from the Golony of Chickens I deduced this troun the specially designed egg satchel she is carrying, And just thest.a sighty oak, fell before her, and landed right in her ati. And Unis porrait was taker just as she began 10 chop that tree into pieces and clear her path. And cen though this was candid, Hook at this and dhink, “But that’s a pose.” (WREN is cought by such surprise that she hants a lite.) DALE, Exacily! A tree lands, she sees it, and she’s dealing Nith it She his to build a town, she's got alot af exus, she's got a tree in her way, butt she's dealing with it, And it’s the sheer crama in this pose. She was just-one of those woen...a woman who knew how to pose Even when she wasn't (DALE has aiscrety Landed ina pose which « caught off guard GINNY scrambles to click a photo of) WREN. Oh, Dale, That was beautifiil! Lutie will be so tonched, WEIN, Look at her, Sisters! None of us would be here if it weren't for her, Ner determination became ont futire, (She gives the portrait back to DALB awhy goes to hang i) VERN, Hey Dale, I thought I saw you bring two big portraits into the meeting today. DALE. Keen set of pecpers, ya got there Vern, The other ‘one is in the kitchen. Pt be revealing that one at the end of today’s quiche breaklast. L's an even bigger surprise than this one! WREN. (reprimanding) Dale Brit! ‘Too many surprises! (She starts to erach a smile.)WWREN, (cot) No suc thing! Ob, the antespaion! Could | thi BrezMast be any more exetng? | ‘Sulit we hoor aed ing ren oftoge The widget alt exe i GINNY, [iveryone sit up! Do you want Luke to have a | eouniption | (VERN gors od the lights. The Quiche Bafa ta obi!) (Tn sisters al tine ups GANNY aes os a pitch pipe drut of tiny pouch attached to her dress and tries to (ive the sisters ir note, She docs quits hi the note. ‘ured fats te atch pipe bik athe poech.) GINNY, [We know what a “C* sounds bike] (They alt agice with GINNY, They begin to sing, At the sfart of LULIE'S sola, she makes her grand entrance holding covered soo dish with thts years Prize Quiche in one hand and an erueapie in Ue other} aut. : \WE ARE THE SUSAN B. ANTHONY SOCIETY OR THE SISTERS OF GERTRUDE STEIN {WE AREA STRONG AND VIBARENT SOCIEDY TOCRTUER TLTHE END OF ALL TIME oun, AND YOU ENOW WWE STAND AS ONE, (O} MY, IS THAT QUICHE DORE? ALL (THINK I's DONE) WE ARE ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES THE LADY WEEN WW STANDING ARMIN ARM WREN/GINDY. DALE/VERN, : LINKED AS ONF (LINKED AS ONE} HAND IN HAND (HAND IN TIAND) VEE ARE SIRONCER (64 ARE STRONGER) : THAN ANY MAN ORAN ANNAN)5 LESBIANS EATING A QUICHE at, WE: ARE ONGE, TWICE, THREE TIMES THE LADY WHEN WE'RE STANDING ARM IN ARM: LULIE, Well isn’t that lovely, ‘The female voice in unison. ven if we weren't singing about quiches, it would still send chills down ny spine. {This spwoch ends in an elaborate pose.) WIEN. Keep on your toes Dale! That's a phot EULIE. Where do I fool? (DADE. snaps LOLIE.) DALK. Gorgeons as/always, Lalie, LULIK, (to the officers} Hello fellow Widows! ALL. Hello sister) LULIE. (to the audience) Helo fellow widows! (The audience responds, But not wp to LULIE’s Standards.) LOLIE. (addressing the °Current Membors” in the audience and the officers) Sisters, let's give them our customary welcome. When we say, “Hello fellow widows!” [want to hear you shout a the top of your lungs, “Hello Sister!" Now let me hear it with pride! HELLO! FELLOW. WIDOWS! (They officers and the audience alt cheer thei response.) LULIE, (charged wp by the response from the rom) Can yous believe it is that time of year again? The tasting of ‘he first quiche! I don’t think I need to reiterate the importance of the EGG to me and my life. A of our lives. As T explained in the forward of iny bestselling textbook “Women Can Yes: the History af the Egg", the egg is as close to the Lord Jesns as a piece of food can get. So pure, so perfectly shaped, s0 delicious, L remember the first time Late quiche, (The vidos sigh, thinking about Unix first ties.) 1 was so young. Sprightly. Naive. And that first ite, [ ‘think I'd ever find others who enjoyed quiche as5 LESBIANS BATING A QUICHE snuch as Tid. And then [ford you all. My sisters. My fellow widows, And I for one cannot wait for you all to ity this year’s Prize Quiche. (The sisters excitedly hubbub and gather arownd the abla, LULIR goes wver tothe portrait of Lady Mommont.) TULIE, Now, now, sisters! Who is responsible for this? (bent) DALE. Lam, Lulie. found it in the archives (beat ULE. That's the mast beautiful thing I've ever seen. Let us take a moment to reflect on how our founder suffered for our sake. Feasting off of nothing but bits of bark and moss. Working tirelessly to build a haven We iow call Lome, This very day, all those years ago, ‘was an historic day. She had promised herself that she wouldn't stop until her mission was complete, A modem day Noah! But sbe was exhausted and hungry. Sure that she couldn't possibly go on, Until she stumbled upon this very spot - the home of hundreds of wild chickens. Nests overflowing with a bounty of eggs, And from those eggs she drew the strength necessary to complete this town, I like to think Lady Monmont is looking down on us today and stniling Oh, and she’s eating a quiche. (The sisters beam looking up toverds Latky Monmont in ease.) LOLI. Wren, as the Events Chairwoman, itis your privilege to honor our great hero by presenting this year's Prize Quiche. GINNY. T wonder who's quiche we are eating first / this year? LUE. THIS year, I chose a very special quiche to begin the festivities. One of such beauty and imagination that I dhink it may be one of our best quiches ever GINNY. I can’t take it! just can’t!5 LESBIANS EATING A QUICHE ” HOE She jst “ksane’. Iss that adorable, This year, our first quiche shail be. (WREN rads the back of the envrtope,) MAEN. fSpinach. Red Onion, Gruyere. Rosema ry Asparagus.] Made with love by... (Ste opens the envelope and reads the cant) WREN, Veronica Sciruttz (The widows squeal and congratulate VERN. VERN, Stop it you guys, (The sisters continue applauding.) ‘VERN. Stop, (The sisters continue} VERN. Stop it! Tin serious, Stop, GINNY. Latie, if no one else has asked yer, my I do the i unveiling of the quiche? HOLE OU Ginny. Sweecheart, you mus. eat to stop being ' Such an attention hog. You're in America non? Ven can unveil ier own quiche. i VERN. Hey Gir: We can do it together, Come here, I ‘WREN. Ob, is’ that lovely Sisterhood in action, (GUNNY and VERN place their hands on the dish They | veil the Quiche. They alias ise it but still ry iy i cine nara. Tey all sen dows and tate bg { SINE Whoo, that mets good LOLA shone the pce Milena encourages an “Ooh! Aah” noponse } Finale) | DALE The suspense is killing me! Take a bite Lullet TUE. Now now Dale. It would be rude of me as the i presideit t take the first bite, [Therefore | wall go Eneciately o my eft and then one inore ones} (ocr GUNN gets passed over.) LEER, Gimny c's just Wrens sear to et wo uy fin | ‘GINWY. Yes,Thank you! Oooooh, { can't] Guin. [Kill €/ you don't wane t.. WHEN. Peo going to do it Ginny! WREN. Its 00 good! LULEE. Ob, thank Jesus, WHEN: This might make everyone here just lose their senses! VERN, That's what twas going for Mian Wien, take ithe quiche has passed the tea? MEY Mel, if Vern’ quicthe has anything ro say about it, 1956 is going to be our best yeat yet! GINNY. Oh Vern! L knew you could do itt TUUE Surely, its considerably better than what Marjorie submitted last year: Yam Neah, tomato and mushroom. That was a neal winner Marge, DALE. Ew. T can’t even think about it, She might as well ‘have just put meat in the quiche. MU Dale Prist! Wash out hat inoutht We do not even Joke about putting meat in a quiche, DALE, Sorry, Lali,45 LESBIANS EATING A QUICHE LOU, Need I remind yon all ofthis sisterhood’s golden rule? ALL. No nen. No meat, ll manners, LOUIE, Thank you, (leat) Meat in a quiche! Can yon imagin WREN, Remeinber Pewnia Bradley? LOUIE, Remember her? Lexpelled her! GRsNY. Who's Petia Bradley? LULIE. This was before your tine here Ginny. Ke was one ‘of the darkest days the Susan B. Anthony Society for the Sisters of Gertmde Scein has ever seen. Four years ago, Petunia Bradley marches in here with a sausage gniche! ‘YM, [ can’t even think about it. LULIE. She marches in here, puts itdown on the table, and tells us that we need to open our rainds, DALE. Ew. LOUIE. Broaden ourhorizons! [WREN, I'm going 10 e sick LULE mean, ean you imagine? Putting a sausage in a ‘quiche. The moment you put meat it a quiche, i’ all yon cam raste. Itakes away from the cornerstone of ‘whut makes a quiche magical LULIB & GINNY. The Egg! LULIE, (ennayed ait GINNY) WREN. Next thing you know, Lulie takes Pemnta by the hair in one hand, takes that sansage quiche in the ‘other hand, tosses them both right out the door. ‘VERN I daydream about that a Jot. I just yeplay it in my head, over and over again. And I will, Laugh. GINNY. (catching @ whiff of the quiche) Sisters! We can’t wait any longer?5 LESHIANS HATING 4 QUICHE (beat) GINNY, (cont) It just seems anfair..to keep the other), ‘waiting im hmuigry andeipation TOL, Ginny (She hols the tension. And then:) ‘Yon ase quite right, We can't torture on fellow sinters like this any longer Let the breakfast begin! Wrea,! bing in the other quiches! r (Lights. Siems: This isi The Big One.) i : § i ' | h i I r t5 LESBIANS EATING 4 QUICHE Seene VERN. Ladies, here we go. GaNNy. What's going on? WREN, Lilie, is there a dill today? LULIE, (herping it presidential...) Not that f'n aware of, We ave to weat this as if is the real thing, ladies! To your posist GINNY. What do 1 do? LOME. The quiche, Ginny! For pete’s sakel Protect the quiche! DALE, Do you think it’s the Commies? LULUB, T wouldn't pat it past them, Dale GINNY. Oh, Godt LULIE, Bor if dhey do bontb us, I'm sure we'll hit ‘em back even harder VERN, Stop il You're searing hex. / I's probably just a drill Ginny, WREN, Are all of the sisters accounted for? DALE. I'm going to cheek the powder rooms. (DALE exit GINNY. My cat, Rachel. She must be scared! out of her wits (She turns tothe security door nervous GINNY, She's never been through a drill before. I'm just ‘going to pop over and see how she's doing, (She moves toovards the door: VERN see her} VERN, Ginny! NO! (She tages to the door and lands between is and GINNY.) GINNY, Vern, PIL just he a moment — WRN Didu’t you hear what Laie said? We're treating this fike i¢ the real thing. Do yon realize shar woute ‘happen to yon if bomb did drop?5 LESBIANS EATING 4 QUICHE INNS. Yes, but~ VERN, Everyone and everything out there would be obliterated. And even if you could go-out and get her; ‘we couldn't Jet you back in. Even if we wanted to, You know that just as well as F do, WREN. So.we would all just die in here? ‘VERN. No one here has to worry about dying! I've been, preparing for this ever since I replaced Mayjorie. ULI, (io Marjorie} And you said she wouldn't ast a week. You ome me ten dollars, Mayjorie! (suddenly disgusted looking at Merjorie’s fst) ‘You know what? Just keep it and buy yourself some new shoes! VERN. NO ONE, Is to go through this door unless I tell you to, {turning to GIN) Understand? (to the sisters) Te Ginny had stepped ont that door after an explosion, it would have sensed external radiation, and sealed itself shut. I've rigged the door so it can be opened once, Just ONCE in an emergency. But after ‘hat, the only way to re-open the door is with a welding torch, And that, Heft under my bed. LULIE, What about the window there? VERN. You mean my quadruple-paned government ‘engineered window? Did that myself, And the window treatments. (The-widous compliment VERN's window treabmonts (25 DALE aks back sn, The sirens and flashing lights abruptly stop. Bueryone freee. Waiting for the Plas. After a fou maments, the jive officers soely move together fn tha center of the room. They speak softy.) DALE, Irs stopped. REN, Surely that's a good sign. LOUIE. Sisters, om a day as important as this, I think Uncle Sam vill forgive us for continuing on with the meeting,5 LESBIANS HATING A QurcHE (They staré to bree easy again.) WREN, There are worse things than ¢ lying at a Quiche Breakfast, after all (AUGE explosion, Flash of light fiona the window. I's happenrd5 LESBIANS RATING 4 QUICHE Scene I (The sisters seam and dick wherever they can. GINNY 48 the fst tn stand again.) GONNY. [Ol my God... almost died.] (She starts to have an ansialy attack.) GINny, [Oh my GODIH!) VERN. Ginny ~ GINNY. [I would have been almost... balfvay home...ify0i hadn't stopped me... VERN!] ‘arw, [Snhhhh, Ginny~] GINNY. (RACHEL! She must be... should be...dead right now] ‘VERN. (No, Ginny!) GINNY. I should have died. I should have DNED! (ASVERN is walking GINNY back fo the other officers, GINNY catches a glinpse of Marjorie sitting there, alive cand well. VERN thas to restrain GINNY from attacking “Marjorie".) GINSY, [YOU should have died! YOU SHOULD HAV. DIED, MARJORIE!] ‘VERN. Ginny, no! You were meant co live, ‘LULIE. She’s right, dear. You were meant to SURVIVE! Like the rest of us. WREN. That’s right! Sisters! We should be thankful for ‘Vern’s preparedness. Because of her, we are-alive! GINNY. Yes. I suppose you're right. WREN. And personally, I think that if T ant to survive something like this, I can’t imagine anyone better to sunvive it with, My sisters, DULER. That's the ticket Wren! Let’s all be thaiikfut that ‘we are going through this together. Holding onto our dearest friends, And might I just say fellow widows, I'm s0 very proud of how everyonte is taking this news. End of the world and all5 LESRIANS EATING A QUICHE DALE. So what do we do now? LULIE, Vern, why don’t you tell the sisters abont the provisions you've made for ns here and then we can continue with the meeting] No need to let this spoil the day: VERN. Sure thing Lulie. Now, we wort't be able to safely emerge from here for another four years. Good thing, I have enough dried food back there fo fast all [NUMBER OF AUDIENCE MEMBERS ATTENDING, MINUS ONE] of the sisters here for exactly 208 weeks. If we ration properly, we should just make it, GINNY. Um, actually, FT may. We have [CORRECT NUMBER OF AUDIENCE MEMBERS ALTENDING] here at the meeting today. LULIE, Right, So someone needs to be killed. Ginny. Whar? ELLE, Atsome point, GINNY. What are you saying? ELLIE, Soon, GINNY. Is no one hearing this? DAGE, Ginny, Lulie's the president. s maker, Don't be suct a dip. VERN. We arent gonna kill anyone important, It wilt probably be somebody — {She motions her head towards Masjorie. The lesbians consider this.) e's out decision: GGINN®. [guess that’s not so bad..Bnt fou year! ‘Thats an anf long time 10 be together VERN. Nooo! I'l be great, I'll be like college. GINRY. Well yes, Except wthont the mien of course {The othr ates allo at each oh Smiles rg 0 crop. Maybe this n't 0 bad cing?) GINNY, Or Rachel. My cat. She wonld have been siting right by my front door waiting for me to come home. Shic’s probably just puddle of whiskers by now.5 LESBIANS EATING A QUICHE (VERN consoles her) DALE, And my father. I didn't get 0...say goodbye, WREN, Dale, 'se never heard you even speak of your father, DATE, We hact a really big falling out when twas three, But 1 was almost ready to forgive him. T was this close. ‘WHEN, What did he do? DALE, Well, it was 1932 — LULIE, We don’t need to get into that now, Dale. We've. been through quite enough already. We don’t need to start boring the sisters with our childhood traumas. My only loved one ont there in that whole mess is my dear mother: Butever since her hands fell prey to that hand condition ~ (She motions the condition with her hands.) ALL. [Oh yeah. - That's right, her condition. =] (They all demonstrate the condition with their hands, No ‘version looks quite th same.) LULEE, She hasn't really been of much use. Its a shame really, But none of that matters if we are not strong, enough to first address the real wagedy that has befallen 1s today: Right outside drat door isa table full of all those glorious homemade quiches, that we will never ever taste. WREN. Oh no! GaNNY. My quiche! LLULEE, But do not fret. No, no, Vern has secured tis some chicken coops in our food storage. ‘VERN, You bet T did. LUHE. And, on miy orders, filled those codps with 14 ‘bealthy, sturdy chickens 6 accommodate the egg reeds of this sisterhood! (long beat) ‘VERN. That... forgot 16 do.5 LESBIANS EATING A QUICHE, LULD: Vern, we've been through quite enough today. This is no time for jokes, VERN. No, I'm serions. f totally forgot the chickens (PERN Deis to brs den.) VERN, [ls been a really long week. Just fot on my ind. Ob laces, 1m so sorry, This isn't ke me. blew il Oh man, 1 blew it big. DALE. (cutting off VERN) Ob, Vern. How could you. LULIE, I knew you never loved guriche as much as I id = VERN. Hey novy, that’s below the bel (LULIE starts to dunge at VERN relen WREN quichéy eps beter the ad hols LUE. Back } WHEN, Widows, we can't cwrn on each other! We must stay cals! ‘LOUIE, But with uo chickens in here for the next four years = Givyy, There'll be no more exes! DALE, No more oggs means. EULIE, Blease don’t, Don't say it REN. (ruddenty walizing) OF1! No more quiche! GINNY, (Her stonach diups.) No more quiche. (lect) RN, Pm s0 sorry, Lulie, You know how mich qt meaurt to me. (at) DALE, So this isthe Jast quiche ever? long bec (REN step for first} LULIE. No ma’an (WREN quichy steps hack to where she was danding. She srates to poe that everyting is obey. LOLIE. quickly moves tothe table) i i5 LESBIANS EATING A QUICHE (The others join her. The fove sieround the guicke and Iroat it with reverence, It is holy and sacred, COLE slowly, one by cma, bogins (0 pass out the forks 19 the coffers. She ships quer CINNY ond toses the last fork to the (able, LULUE notices she i getting Ore “vile” sion “Marjoro”) LULIE, What, Marjorie? WHATI? We can't Jet it go 10 ‘waste! Surely al the other sisters here understand that there is simply not enough quiche 1 go around for everyone. “verw. They understand. I's getting cold. Let's do this. (he lesbians a slay, deicaely digi and take a bite togyther, Oohs, acs and wenons. WHOAS! They ad Ko a3 they moar this last moment of eitass.) WREN. [I's even better than the first bite!) ‘VERN, {T did a really good job] (The lesbians quicken the pace, beginning to fight touer the quiche, LIAR, DALE, WREN and VERN grab handfuls, dvorring if avenousty ave pushing GINNE rut from the table, Determined to get her share, GINNY dive back indo she feeding frenzy, movints the table, digs thor face into the quiche dish, and sonsualy devon the Jal of i. The ladies all take ate back from the table fo they cam take this i, They Become intrigued, then aroused. After atone, long whl...) ‘ven. That is great technique, ‘REN. Ginny. -Thad no idea... [LUETE Ginny —it's the last one ever. Savor it, / datting girl DALE, DO NOT distract her. Look at that. She's doing it (juscright. GmNny, (finally coming up for ar) Oh no, I don’t know what ‘eame over me. Truly, Edon't (boginning to inch offstage) {I'm so sorry. ‘That was bad. Very, very bad. I'm so humnttiated..}5 LESMIANS BATING A QUICRY. DALE, Nothing to apologize about sister. REN. | should say nott ‘VERN. Ginny, sweetheart. Come here VERN moves ine close. Very close.) VERN. You've got a Uiulle ~ just right there ‘on your face there. le egg still (The sisters are necrly paralyzed as they watch whet aout to happen. They look on, fez seth aticspaton tend refressed excitement.) GINNY, (Reaching up to get it} Dearie me, bow embarrassing. VERN. No, 10, [yor it GINNY. Ves, bt ¥ ean = VERN. (seucttely pulling GINNY'S hand tay from her morth) No. Ginny? No. [got this, (VERN slowly mines i forthe is, GINNY starts to resist ‘0 i under VERN's spell. VERN gels eur closer.) ‘VeRN, That's right. Just let it happen. (They kiss, passionately. 1's beatiful anc lasts mech toner than a hiss beeen friends, LULAE tries to spec. Prat) ULIE, Sisters! No! We are still officers of this society! {GINNY bras away, shothe.) VERN. (pic abit of ee of her fp} Got it GINNY, [That was...Wrong, Very very wong. Va not — Pm nota} WREN. (luge, sudden realization) Widdows! Don’t you see We don’t have 16 pretend anymore. We needn't hide! We're the last ones lef! 10s just ust I say we use this opportinity to fially be honest wits each other. And ourselves. We don't need say "widows" anymore! We aren't widowst Ske stops forsard breve) [ve never been married!]5 LESBIANS EATING A QUIGHE, ‘VERN. (Me either!] DALE, [Me either] (WRN is moved and inspired. She és overcome ty the moment) REN, Oh sisters I've wanted to say this for so long ~ LOUIE, Wren, watch yourself! GINNY, Wren, no dear! Not in front of everyone like this! LLOUE, Sisters, this is gotting out of hand! Order! wREN, I gottal T gotta say itt (sung)E gotta sing It out Tousunnd! Lam ~ pate, I'm a lesbian! (She stands in-shock at what she has just dene. The om is sitet and all yes. are one. Sho carefully walks ‘pao to WREN who is silt pressing what she just heard DALE. looks WREN in the ee.) ate, Pm a lesbian, (WREN nods) ‘And Tan’ even tell you how good that felt, And ne ne else is going 10 fee! this wondectul feeling until ‘you jst say i eas) So if anyone else would like to-say what 1 just sald a Jmoxnent age...then L suggest you just do it Anyone? a) ‘Wren? Would you say i REN, Of course I will, Dale, would have sounded a Tot ‘etter at the end of that powerful speceh Twas just ‘making, But yes Tl say it, because its traet (WHEN gets herself ack to te level she was atthe end of hher-pccle with fests) 1. Am, A LESBIAN! And Dale gave ane this bracelet! (She holds her haved high so that everyone cam see the charm dangling fom it)3 LESRIANS EATING 4 QUICHE DALE. And I geve me ane too! (She holds up her arm meet to WREN's showing: her matching Bracelet) GINNY. Is everyone a lesbian?! Secret lesbian societies! This is exactly what ¥ was warned about before Flett Manchester “Watch out for these Auericans and their secret tesbian societies, they'll snatch y VERN. Snaich ULE, May I remind everyone that there is sill a meeting: of the Susan B. Anthony Socicty for the Sisters of Gertrude Stein taking place! ‘WREN. Things hiave changed Lilie! We all beiter get used to it! Vern, its so wonderful, You must! Say it now! We're the leaders here. None of the other sisters will have the courage wuless the officers to it first GINNY. But Vern, you're mot! Don’t you see? This is peer pressure of the worst kind! You're not a lesbian Dou've jastaut mnmarried 80 year old lady cho enjoys 2 game of softball every now and again.] Please, Deep in sour heart, you mnst know dhat this isn’t vight We're ladies, We mnst act like i. ‘VERN. She's right sisters. You're right, Ginny, We must Act Hike ladies. L think I may have given everyone the rong idea earlier, L apologize, Vm not a...you know Tan not. {just really, really enjoy quicive, GINNY. Me to0, LULIE. Me too. DALE. Me too, WREN. Me 100, brat VERN. I'm just joking, I'm a big old lesbian! (WREN, VERN end DALE all celebrate tngther) HULIE, Vern, I can’t heliese you! And in front of all the sisters? VERN. Oh please Lufic, vou don't think they're all esbians?TANS BATING A QUICHE (fireding 2 mon in audience) “yeRN, (cont) {Fimow CECILIA is a lesbians 14 her push, And DONNA owns riding boots REX, [PATRICIA over herve is definitely 9 lesbian. She Males ber own toouhspickat] Come o7 PATRICIAL Say it Say “Lm a lesbian!” ‘alt encourage te annience member ts03 i. When sro the esas car lly cand encase 7 of the auaignce to cheer) aug, [And I've seen JUDY. bake her ovr bread..n KILN!) Are you a lesbian JUDY?! (again, they encourage the audience tombe 9 89 it care is mach rejoicing as mare and more sites me ut ‘witen, {We've all seen the ball peen hammer ROBERTA ‘heepi in her purset Haven't we sinh] span, {What about LORRAINE! She broshes her alt with w pairbrash, nade ont of heF own health ani the ole nce Well you've al jus gore S21 Sees veryone together! WHAT ARE YOU? (They ear at he dence meer espns) yun, And MARY BETH is either a lesbian or shes 6° Mr funny way of dhanking me for fing Her 1oaseh ‘DALE Ginny, Took! We're your sisters! No more secrets! You're one of us and you know it wrens. OF course she ist jase. NO, SHE IS NOT? (This sop the room. GRY is cag He snide. 3 fom onesie of he, LULSE on the other) une, Ginny, if we are the only officers Left wins a2 se78e Ts econ, then s0 be it, Come bert, sect gi5 LESBIANS EATING A QUICHE (GINNY starts to talk towurds LOLIE and is stopped by) ‘veRN. Hey Ginny? GINNy. Yes? VERN. Ginny, remember the first rime I fitted you for a spantstit? GINNY, No Ido not, Vern, ‘VERN, Reinember when I weitt to aneasure your inseam? And you let out that little noise? GINNY. Not at all. VERN, And Lasked you whiat the tloise was? GINNY, [Itwas a..chair scoot ‘VERN. And you said if was vothing. GANNY, {A kitten. ..ln the wid} “VERN, And 1 asked if you had coughed, andl you said. ‘And then I asked if you'd maybe let out a really weird sneeze? And you said. GINNY. No. vERN, And then I said GANNY, "Well if i¢ wasn’t a cough and it wasn’t a sneeze, then what was it, Ginny? ‘ver And you said... GINNY, J don’t know Vern, just keep measuring that inseam. (A smile sas to creep across GINNW’' fact) ‘Ob my, Lam a lesbian. DALE. YES! (Dhe widows cheer and epplarid) ULI. Ginny, no! VERN, That's my gi LOUIE. This is chaos! I won’t stand for it! Order! Order!5 LESBIANS EATING 4 QUICHE. ‘yen: How can you deny something so basic? We don’t have to hiide! In four years, do you think anyone out there is going to care if we're lesbians or not? There'll bbe so few peopie left chat i¢ won't matter anymore Itt be 19601 We couid probably all get married if we wanted 10, LULEE, Well, Tnever ~ LESBIANS, [Come on Lilie, Come on girl. Come on out ‘You'll feel much hetter when you come out, Come on out now) our. Tm ‘GINNY. [It does feel quite good, Lulie, Gon. You can doit) Lou, Pim...'m pregnant.b LESMIANS EATING A QUICHE Scene TV {A long silence hangs over the room. Unit) WREN. With 2 baby? LULIE. Yes! Pregnant! Tam with child, GINNY, Well, Lelie! (lows up her chooks as if she's going to say something ‘but just lets the air out) Um, ,.Congranutations! This. VERN, Makes absolittely no sense whatsoever, LoL, I understand it DALE, But,..how? How fomall beat) LULAE, [ fell on a turkey aster be a shock. it happen? (smal beat) IWREN. Weil, | fall on turkey asters all the dime, but they never have SEMEN in them? LULTE, I'm not going to go imto the sordid details right ‘now. But if we're all being honest with cach other | feel like you must know. I'm three months along, the Susan J. Anthony Soetety for the truce Sten is gonna have it's fist child. GINNY. You all ost acn DALE, No itis not! ‘VERN. A babs? We're gonna have a baby? WREN is suddealy awestruck by thought. She gasps The lebians all ook to fer) WREN. What if i's a boy (The sisters look at each other ir. shock, This is cunprveedented.) LOUE. Then we inust prepare ourselves for that. To be perlecily hones, there's a good chance it 8 a boy. tis a tle exciting.5 LUSRIANS EATING A QUICHE ‘GINNY. To be even more perfectly honest, the chances are sail just 50/50, There's really no way for us to know what's coming ontia there. Lou, Thank you, English {beat} ‘our, Widows, I have another confession to make, And i's shameful WREN. Too many surprises! I'm still not over your last confession. We'll be down here for four years, can't we just spread out our secrets a litte bit better? [Maybe save this next one for Christmas?) LOUIE. No riore secrets Ween! You said it yourseif know this baby is. a boy, because I've...been craving meat. DALE, Oh Lac} ‘VeRN, THUS IS WHY WE HAVE RULES! ‘WREN. A hoy: What are we going to do with a boy? OHt Latlic, You could have a litte penis inside of you right this moment (This absolutely mortifies LULIE.} GINNY. Ob, Wren stop id WREN, And it’s just growing bigger aud bigger every single aay! DALE Ev. LEULE, Pve got to sit down, GINWY. Dale! Fetch her some water! DALE, Why me? (DALE hari off for water GINNY gees fo comfort her) GINNY. You poor dear. We're all here for you, I promise, ‘ViaeN. Lulie. Ht wasn't really a turkey baster was it? ‘LOUIE, Well ~ ‘VERN. So who's the father? {EULIE, Well, if you must know, his name is Pope Jones. WREN. (disgusted) Ob, Lilie5 LESMIANS EATING 4 QUICHE ‘There's LULIE, No, no Wren, Not ny cousin Pope Jon another one. WREN. Ohi. LLGUE, He lives two tons over VERN. Were we Just not enongh? Is that it? What i world do sou wane with a child? LUE. Because God gave me eggs, Vern! Eggs! I knew God ‘wanted me to hatch one! I nceded to hatch! So as disgusting a8 the proposition was to me ~ and believe you me, Pope Jones was one disgusting proposition =1 knew I was doing God's work (DALE renters with wate for UOLIE.) DALE. (cut) Here you are. LULIE Thank you, Dale GANNY, But don’t you all see? Widows ~ WREN. Lesbians! GINNY. Lesbians! If we're the only ones left, we vill be responsible for repopulating America, This baby is « blessing! We're going to need him! VERN. You'te sigh LULEE, (eel realizing) Yes. Ves! This baby is going to save ‘wornankind! Once he’s old enomgh, we'l need to start impregnating one of our members pronto! she (LULIE begins to surany the arutionce, tooking for the mother of her baby's bay) GINNy. We're gol VERN, We're going to have a baby! DALE, And that baby’s gonna make one of us have a baby? WREN, Yes, Dale, that’s how it works! (to the Sisterhood Well, we'll really need one youngest members to start preparing for that. GINNY, (checking her notsbuok) Ler's see heve. Our youngest members..,well, he youngest ofall tie lesbians here is ~ ob dear, i's Marjorie to save America!38 5 LESBIANS EATING A QUIGHE ute, NEXT! GINNY, Nest Yes, the fiext youngest would be...Dale. WREN, Ol my! F certainly have imy misgivings, but you'd bbe the most beautiful mother I can imagine, that’s for sure. LULE. Yes! I think Dale would be,just lovely, GINNy. What do you say Dale? DALE, I'm not sure T could do that LLULIE. The fate of the world rests atop your leins, Dale. ‘What about that do you not understand? ‘DALE. No, YOU don'tunderstand Lule, Tan have nothing, to do with that child if its a boy. T haven't spoken to a man since Iwas three years old. (eats ‘VERN. How's that even possible? ALB, I became quite good at it, [would ignore all the boys ‘at school. I would cross to the other side of the street A€T ever saw one coming. When I go,to the deli, 1 just ‘write down on a litle sheet of paper “a half pound of potato salad, please” and just slide it across the counter. Keep my head down, No eye contact. WREN. S0 you've never even spokeri to aman ~ DALE, Since I was three years old. That's right, Bver since ‘may father. GINNY. Ob sweetie, what happened? pate, Tan’ WREN. No more secrets, Remember? DALE, [just can’t ~ “VERN. Come on Da — DALE, Iwas 1992 (DALE has crssed downslage and is Ioking cut in the istance. A spotlight fills on her) My parents had ~ (sguinting} Oh any, what is that?5 LESBIANS EATING 4 QUICHE VERN. Oh, those arc just the emergency lights 1 installed. Tuey'l do that {Fom time to time. Fin sare shey'l shut off ins minute. DALE. Sure. My parents had taken me and my sister to Uke lake for the weekend. My moter hack bonghe me n first swimsuit, and Tkitew than when we got there, 1 ‘would be able to swins, Ob, how L waved co swisn in that take. [told my older sister Edith, “when we wake up tomorron, Pm gonna go clown to that Inke, and I'm ‘gonna swim." And Edith said “Oh, sweet fiele Dale We're ladies. We can't exert ourselves by simning, Do what I do. Just sit in the inner mabe anc float. Ladies oat.” But oh, L wanted ro sxim When I woke the next morning, my mother told me that Baith was already down at the lake with her inner ‘be. Se ny father took me down the winding path, and we look out in the distance and see Edith, all by herself, Just floating, Like a tady. Tran down to the edge af the water This was first ime to} My Took my first tenative step inso the water: Now until that point, the only time 1 had ever pnt my foot in water was when tny mother would draw mea lovely warm bath. But this lake was cold, And to my three-year-old Bile foot, itwas as if Thad placed it ina lake of., sharp iey daggers. ‘VERN, Great imagery. DALE, I screamed, | urned back and ran to my father crying. “Oh daddy! Its so cold, Lean't!” My father just slaved back at me. When le heard me say “can't,” he heard weakness. My father hated weakness And he raised up his hand, and said ~ (DALE suddenly, almost demomically, becomes er father) "Yon git in that warter, Decle! You git in that warter! You know you like it Tried uncontrollably. 29\ i \ 5 LESBIANS EATING 4 QUICHE ‘DALE, (cont) “DEFELE! You git in that warter. You know you Tike i.” Edith leapt from her inner tube and tried Swimming to shore £0 come fo my rescue, She knew Gdackdy had a temper, Bat she coulda’ swim. Ste only Imew how (0 float She was 2 lady. My father sereamed after her. “Faith! Swim, darling, swim!” “Dada! You have to go and help her!” “pecte, 1 can’t git in the warter! You KNOW I've got aquagenic pruviis!” Now, Pt proud to say that [vas advanced for 2 three year old, But I dida’t kiiow what aquagenie praritis Was. Fatill don’t: But I knew i¢was sometiting serious, Mg father started screamning at the top of bis lungs. Get in that warter Decle! You know you like it! Save your sister!” He continmed sereaming at me, as we both watched ray sweet sweet Edith, sink like a stone in that lake, Never to be seen agai (eas) Tatil Iater that day when some fishermen pulled up ther bloated body. My father thotight they were too rongh when they were pulling her up and pot one of the Fishermen into a Coma during a fit of rage. He was sentenced to ten ‘ears in prison, My mother was adsaitted to an assur. ‘And J just changed my name and moved on. Never spoke to-a mart agnin. (he emergency lights barn off.) GINNY. (dabbing her oes) Oh Dale! ‘yuRN. Come here, baby Dale, Auntie Yern’s got a hug, for ya right here. (DALE runs lo VERN and weeps int her arms, ALL of the other widows go oer to comfort her)5 LESBIANS BATING & QUICHE sen, Obs my lovely Dale Wave Yeah, twas a rouge break “YBRN. We know it was pata, Areal, sloppy!" Lot, Ob sweetpes. We tyad no ideal spans: Thanks lesbians. 1 could Hae saved her thou (Gunny, Hush, new! You were 3 Goungt You did all you could! sees, You know eT never [et anything happen £ YOU don't you? pun. You know your'e everyone worite, tight? “WRU, Everyone 52) 2 “aut (to te audience) (Ht ALT jot? Teil her! er lesa encnsage he eudiene 7 lr DALE br Tnow ame they fave her: DASE vaniles cn nods her tse. Date, we will find someone else, You wil never BE No epeak toa man agains NO* EVE this Hitle bastard i here. pare, Nol Have to move past all Wf the re-population Heer anivesse sess on my sboulders then Till dof putae. You don’t have 19 Dale eeu Yea 4 ol For Eth anc fOr galas. Laie, Lwit Ihave your baby’s baby. une. Deal, Dale. “ty shoke hans, Telesis ca canivy, I'm sorry you never BOF a chance to forgive you father Dale DALE, Me too. ven, And your never se NH AB pate, Nope. Not since his 5606 ‘cing, Twas there when Fy ck him ont in handouts ‘and led him away gave, Must have been areal5 LESBIANS EATING 4 QUICHE DALE. Yes. Especially for a three year old. T can still hear that judge's voice in my lead. “You are a disgrace to your town! Tseutence you to ten. years in prison? May God have mercy on your soul Pope Jones.” (The other widows'stop in thei sachs. Horror! DALY, Te was really scary. WREN. Um, Lalle? Your consin didn't go to prison ever did he? LLU. No. My cousin Pope is only 22 years old, ‘VERN, (going behind DALK and pling her hair Back) Did Pope ‘Jones from two tovms over look at al like THIS? LLEE, AHHH! Oh, sweet Jesus, that's hina, DALE. What? What’ going on? ULE. Ginny, who's the next youngest after Dale? ‘canny, Um...me, LULIE. Then Ginny, the job is yours! Welcome to motherhood. au. But why? ‘LULIE. Dale! This is your brothes! DALE, (Wait for it. . NOW se gets it} Ob! (As if she has been given a inuge gift on Christmas snoring, knecls down and specks to LOTR’ belly.) Hey there, you litle bastard. It’ your big sis Dale. How ya doing in there? Do you think he ean hear me? LUTTE. Don't matter none, Dale. You stay down there as long as you like DALE, We're all waiting for ya out here, buddy. You've got ‘a roomful of lesbians ready 10 welcome you iato the ‘world, And one of them is going 10 have sex with you. LANNY. (nervously leaning down tothe bell) That would be me. Hellovo. DAR, (still to LULAR's eld) I'm really glad T'm going to get to be someone’s sister again. VERN, Oh man, lesbians! We're gonna make it through ‘this. I know itS-LESPIANS EATING A QUICHE WREN. Yes, we've really gotta hand it fo all of oxi fellow Tesbians here today. No one lost their cool or ran for the doors, ls these calm heads out there that remind ine why we break quiche every year and cclebrase the strength of the egg that inspired the Susan B, Anthony Society for the Sisters of Gertmade Siecin, OLB, Oh Jord, GINNY, Lafie, what is the matter? LOUIE, { hadn't thought of ir like tha WREN, What? LULE, What will become of bims growing up in a world ‘without quiche? What kind of a mother will 1 be in iqnicheless world? What if he ean’ taste itn any mit and he rejects my teal? What if he inherits mopuma’s hand condition? 4 child without any access 10 the EGG for te first years of his if is inore likely to grow up weak and frail VERN, Laulie, I said Iwas sorry about the chickens. LULIE, F'n not Laying blame, Vern, Y'm just worried. Like ‘a mother worries, We can survive off of these rations as grown ladies. Bit what about a growing baby boy? Without the vital nntrients that che EGG provides, will the just shrivel up like a little white raisin? DALE, Vern! Do we have a freezer back there in storage? ‘VERN. You bet your sweet bippy we do. ALE, Then we're set! We've still gor all those quiches right ‘ouside this door, I'we freeze them and ratio ther, then the little bastard’s got some EGG, VERN. Alright, hold on! Dale = the radiation lovels out there would melt Velveeta in seconds. Nobody can ‘withstaurd that level of radiation ~ DALE, For how long? “VERN, Sixty, sixty-thrce sec— There's no way to tell DALE. There are two things you need wo know abort m (DALE begins 40 sake Ter darss off until she's denen 6 her slip.)5 LESBIANS EATING 4 QUICHE DALE. One: I was an all-star sprinter in high school, And (ovo: I've never been sick a day in my life. Tean do this! (She stars cowards the door: WREN stops her) WREN. Dale, I really...really appreciate whit you're doing right now~ but what are you saying. dear? DALE. Words! 1 want to do this. I want to do for that little bastard what I was never able to do for Edith, EDUE, [appreciate what you're trying to do GINNY. Dale. It’s too dangerous. PALE. Have you all forgotten the spirit of our great founder? In die words of Lady Monmont, “Deal vith it” And I'm going to. We've got those quiches, we've got a hungry baby, an atomic explosion...but I'm eating with it (The sisters lok cf one another and confor silently VERN, Alright. Let's do it, Here’s the plan: Lutie, you hhold the door. Ginny and Wren, xet ready to grab the quiches, Dale ~I'ma watching the clock. At45 seconds — T'm making you come back in whether you like it or not. Deal, Dale? DATE. Deal VERN, Alright ladies! Let’s make this happen! To your q positions! (DALE starts forthe doot: WREN is waiting ther for hen Just os DSLE is about to oben the dow, she grabs WREN, dips hes, and hisses hor: She yanks WREN.bach up, and in an instant she’s out the door. LULIE holds it open. Te looks heroic.) (The sisters wait anxiously awd ad lib thety worries: “Come on DALE” “How wouch the des she have?” et.) (DALE sualdonly arrives back at the door with an armel of quiches. She hands thew off to WOE, At the sight Of these Glorious quiches, LULIB turns anid hoists them’5 LESBIANS EATING A QUICHE 4% igh — the sisters go Gara. But they don't see DALE go running out the door again. The doors start ta lose. VERN sees it) VERN, THE DOOR! (The sisters sereara, WREN leaps for the door bul misses a. She stands pressed eyainst the door as she hears it seat itself set.) GINNY, Vern! Do something! VERN. I can't! The door sensed radiation, [ts sealed. LULIE, No! VERN, Permanently. WREN. Dale!5 -LESBIANS SATING A QUICHE, Scene ¥ (The ladies all ery, hold on to each other; console each other) GINNY. Why? Why? VERN. She raissed the safety instructions. I was gonna go over them with her one on-one. I just O11 GOD! ‘LOU, DAAAALEIIIE GINNY, How much time does she have? (beat) ‘VERN. She's not coming back. (The four are speuchles,) WREN. Oh, my sweet, sweet Dale... (Tha ladies softly oF together, Suddenly dere isa tap at ‘the window, DAL is standing outside, her havads full of quiches.) DALE. Hey lesbians I've got em! Open the door! (The women stare in shock.) ‘VERN. Who's gonna tell her? ‘LOLIE, Wren, You tell her, WREN mods. She gently approaches DALE.) WREN. Dale...Dale~ (She pauses. Am idea: start with a positive.) ‘Ob... My! Look at all those quiches, Dale. DALE, I gotal of the fluffier quiches — ‘WREN. Dale... honey ~ DALE. but I could still grab the cheesier ones. WRIN, Dale ~ DALE. Let me in, I might be able to get tbe others — WREN, Dale... can’t. Fean't... (She tris to compore hms.) ‘There's been a...problem,5 ERSBIANS EATING A QUICHE DALE. What do you mean? WREN. Honcy. We can't open the doors. They're permanently sealed shut. (DALE runs and tries 40 open the door Wren scteanes (and sobs, Dale walks Back tothe wind Defeated.) WREN. Os, Date, Pm 50 501 {DALIE nods, She puts her hand up fo the glass. The Ladies gasp. WREN pnts her hand up on the glase. The others slowly join them — holding hands all together one last te.) wish itwas me, (a moment) (DALE begins fo sing sly) Date. WE ARETE § ALL. socitrs FOR THE SISTERS OF CERIRUDE STEIN, # ARU A STRONG AND VLBA ER TIL THE END OF ALL TIM, AND YOU RNOW WE STAND aS O4P, O11 My 18 TAY QUICHE DONE {A humongous, ln, terrifying slat. DALE pads from the radiation. Leaving nothing bat slater om the windows The women scream in hoor They Farrar some more. And thet sutae more.) SAN 8, ANTHONY, ALOLIE recovers the room by pulling WREN Y attention aiey from the splattered windows LULIE, Ween, deat. She's gone, (WREN does answer LOLIE stan nds in frond of WREN, She looks her dash en the ees. She takes her fae in her hands} LULIE, (gently) Wren. [know honey. We mich: And we have ser heer to take with us, all loved her very tany wonderful memories of And Ireally, deeply in my heart,5 LESBIANS EATING A QUICHE have to think that there is no other way Dale would shave wanted w go out Holding some of the finest quiches o grace God's holy arth. And for thay, she is a saint in this new world, A world her lide brother ean help rebnild thanks to hes sacrifice. A future, founded on the principles of Susan B, Anthony. Gertrude Stein, And Dale. Prist. She left so ‘uch of herself behind, GINNY. (Suddeily romenberingl) The quiches! HULME, Vern, let's get those in the freezer immediately VERN. On it. (VERN exits withthe quiches) LULIE. (fo WREN} You see dear? Dale sacrificed herself so that her litte brother could have BGG. GINNY. It true, He will survive now, LULIE. The world wit] survive now, And the egg will carty on. WREN. Yes. The egg. (VERN reenters carrying a lange portait,) ‘VERN, Hey, look what I found back there. WHEN, What is it? ‘WRN, Looks like the other portrait Dale had brought for GINNY. The surprise! WREN. (she remembers} Her new photo! Dale's phiotol want to sec itt (LULA reaches out anid holds WRENS hand.) VERN. Ieis with pride that I present to ail ofyon, the legacy of our noble Saint Dale. (The emergency lights come up again. The sisters squint 5 VERN unveils the portrait. It is a portrait of too ands holding a single, beautiful egg. DALE's charm dangles from the bracelet that matches WRENS. The sisters ar overcome.)5 LESBIANS EATING 4 QUICHE LUE Ob, Wren...vth ail de respect to Lady Monmmont, ‘THAT is the most beaudfl thing I've ever seen. Ccrvy, Gan we really survive four years down here? VERN, Of course we can. LOLIE, We've got each other, don’t we? (The women alt hold hands.) (She sings) OU. LINKED AS ONE. Au. {LINKED AS ONE) canny. HAND IN KAND Au (HAND IN HAND) ‘ween. ‘WE ARE STRONGER au We ARE STRONGER) VERN, "THAN ANY MAN! (beat) au ‘WE ARE ONCE! TWICE! THREE TIMES ALAD' WREN. DALE SURE WAS ALADV - (The lesbians take one last loak atthe spattered windoo:) ‘VERN. Damn straight she wast Lou, Ament! aL. ‘WHEN WE STAND TOGETHER AS (The lesbiens gather at DALE'S otra.) ONE (lackout)APPENDIX SCENE $ LINE OPTIONS: EXAMPLES OF WHY "AUDIENCE MEMBERS ARE LESBIANS. Below are som of the improved lines from the ctiginsl OF Brondiay run, Feel five to ute any of these during Sceve #, or © take up sour own! When the actors ate improvising dheie own reasons why an Fuuience meraber i lesbian — i is important to use examples from their alternate universe rather thas eying on tereoyper from our ow, "The more aon sequitur dhe example =the more we found our audiences loved i, 4 She knows al the dtferences beracen alligators and crocodiles! Who aon tha + She gies everyone title nicknames based on the dunks they dink oF the ats they wee + Sue whites er ow todhpicks! And uses thet «when she answers the phone, she 2 “low?” + Whien we go out to dinner she wes the same fork for all x cores «She serves salad wlth a trowel ad padel «Ste has 18 pair of tos buat me tchecked, she was nota cowboy + sne prououncesappetcot. APE viott 1 She buys five tipstick shades a momth, bat chey’te not for her. Theyre for er parakeet + Look a peek in her coving hi and she's gota HAGKSAW IN THERE, ‘+ When she plants flowers in her yard, she practices shor pur wit the sgarlen gnomes! «Ste puts dois on ber doles! «+e seen her driving! Unaccompani! 76 play gol! ‘When se sketches mds, she alas faves the sek ont She haa thimble cotlecdon and serves ea out of them + she breeds tara «She thinks fascara ina coutiy in Ait 1 she keeps ts of caw dis around ber honse like potpoist1 She doesn’ go to the doer. She jw eae lave of garlic an cals day 1 Suc nies he hair net for eating fs the rears! + She makes lemonade withont anger ‘She duns pumpernickel rend in her cotfee! 4 She ses all her Kuchen oxen ns fog + She oo thie banjos! She can mane all he bone the foo.