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A Retrospective on Disease for Sale (2009)

by Charles Tan

THERE WERE MANY rumors circulating

about the company Diseases for Sale
(http://www.diseasesforsale.com): right-wing
political blogs claimed that the head of R&D
was in fact a geneticist who used to work for
either a terrorist cell or a corrupt government
(although which terrorist cell or government in
particular varies from commentator to
commentator). Skeptics labeled its initial
success as a hoax, claiming that its popularity
https://images.app.goo.gl/7hvnp4i2oDrgkNfm was manufactured by the Web 2.0 community,
8 with writers and publicists drawn from
NaNoWriMo members and bloggers who failed
to monetize their websites. One of the wilder theories, which popped up in a now-defunct BBS,
was that the original entrepreneur was from a future in which a cure for cancer was never
discovered, but where such research led to the discovery of new viral strains and bacteria.

The success of Diseases for Sale baffled the economic analysts of the 21st century, who
predicted that healthcare would dominate the industry. In 2008, at a time when everyone seemed
to be affiliated with at least one gym, when wonder drugs were either counterfeited or sold on the
black market, when beauty products were utilized by both genders, Diseases for Sale made its
debut. Historians would argue that its initial presence was so counter-culture, especially when
you took into consideration the networks’ sponsors, that conventional media outlets conducted a
news blackout.

R. J. Brandon, the last CEO of Diseases

for Sale, claimed that the company had
humble beginnings. “Our founder picked
a domain name that no one in their right
mind would buy,” he said. “I mean, who
would trademark a company name with
the word ‘disease’ in it?”

Unstated by the CEO was the fact that

their initial startup website was poorly
laid out with its simple white background,
Times New Roman font, and usage of
commonly-available clip art. The only https://images.app.goo.gl/kZ8pxiVgbyBDYvfZA
clues that it was an actual online store
were the PayPal and shopping cart buttons at the bottom of the page.
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Still, whatever it lacked in marketing and design, it made up for with its services. The company’s
first products were seemingly innocuous diseases: the common cold, sore eyes, and diarrhea.
Whereas the pharmaceutical industry’s cash cow was selling drugs that held off these ailments,
Diseases for Sale got its start by providing them as a service. They probably wouldn’t have been
as successful if they hadn’t targeted the most infectious market: the youth. Didn’t study for an
exam? A cold was often enough to deter parents from allowing their children to leave the house.
Skeptical school nurses found themselves facing either an epidemic of sore eyes (usually the
females) or clogged, stinking toilets (usually the males).

Before the authorities finally figured it out,

Diseases for Sale’s URL made its way through
private mailing lists, message boards, and
Twitter before its appearance in places like
Livejournal, Facebook, MySpace, and various
RSS Feeds. For a time, some people believed
that the company was an urban legend or a hoax,
as elusive as a Nigerian prince offering his
wealth. However, the company’s clientele
slowly expanded into the collegiate level and
eventually the labor sector, where employees
mimicked the excuses their children gave their https://images.app.goo.gl/EKTgQXz3bKhScUB
teachers. 38

Even at this early stage, Diseases for Sale had

developed a sturdy business system. All transactions were done online and various methods of
payment could be utilized, from bank deposits, electronic cash, and the aforementioned PayPal.
They accepted all forms of currency, whether it was pesos, euros, yen, yuan, or even the more
exotic ones such as World of Warcraft gold and Linden dollars.

The company’s slogan was ‘Safety First!’ and it would achieve this through several methods.
The first was its rigorous screening process which verified your identity, requesting scanned
photocopies of valid IDs or your birth certificate. Second was its policy that prevented you from
purchasing diseases for other people. You couldn’t ‘give’ someone else a disease you had paid
for. Once your account was created, every time you purchased a disease, you received an email
confirming the purchase order.

Another safety feature was that all diseases it sold were only temporary and (in the case of the
diseases it would later sell) could never lead to one’s actual expiration. ‘Dead customers are bad
for business,’ was the official statement.

What puzzled many experts were the vectors the company used to transmit its products. Upon
confirming your order, you would wake up the next day, infected with the disease. There was no
need to check your mailbox for any packages. Diseases for Sale had a money-back guarantee on
its efficiency. This immediate and inexplicable transportation baffled governments who were
hoping to earn income from transportation taxes. Savvy industrialists similarly wondered how
they could duplicate the same delivery model for their own businesses. The less innocent failed
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in their attempts to divine the company’s secret method of delivery, and this is arguably why
Diseases for Sale lasted until the 22nd century, outliving its copycats and derivatives which only
succeeded in reverse-engineering its earlier commodities but not its services. The most popular
theory was that the email confirming your purchase order included an encrypted psychosomatic
code, which activated various proteins in the human body that replicated the effects of the
disease you ordered.

Diseases for Sale’s initial batch of products was successful enough that it enabled them to
expand their repertoire and branch out to other markets. Its ‘Career Diseases’ line was one
example. Insomnia was originally marketed to workaholics, writers, and graphic artists who kept
long hours or complained that they didn’t have enough time in the day to finish all of their tasks.
This product also proved popular to call center agents from countries like India and the
Philippines, as well as nurses all over the world. ‘Less sleep doubled my working time!’ was the
testimonial the company used for its ads. Another product in the same line was synesthesia,
which became the craze among self-styled artists, especially when dependence on drugs and
alcohol was more vigorously frowned upon by the government. Synesthesia was the substitute
muse as the clashing colors of musical notes were burned in the retinas of hopeful musicians and
aspiring poets, many of whom developed an addiction for the spiciness of phonemes and
allophones. Even dyslexia, a cheaper product, proved to be a source of creativity as fictionists
mistyped ‘love’ for ‘lost’ and ‘gain’ for ‘pain’.

Eventually, Diseases for Sale grew

just like any other successful
business. It had a phase as a fad
when the fashion industry decided it
was glamorous to design clothing
that highlighted one’s rashes and
allergies. Diseases for Sale
experienced a boom in sales as
models and social climbers sought
out ways to induce irritable skin or
puffy cheeks. There was even a
controversial magazine cover
https://images.app.goo.gl/7Se83ehtSC1Kun416
featuring a model who willingly
exposed herself to leprosy.

However, they encountered problems as well. Countries like Japan and Singapore, which
prioritized healthy hygiene as a virtue, initially opposed Diseases for Sale’s entry into their
markets. The PR department, however, alleviated many of their concerns, especially when it
came to the contagiousness of the diseases (each product was uniquely tailored to affect only the
customer’s DNA) and the mortality of its clients (as previously stated, diseases were non-lethal,
including the cancerous variety—although one was subjected to hours of excruciating pain).
They even allowed governments to inspect their offices and ‘factories’ (in actuality, warehouses
full of network servers and crisscrossing wires), the location of which were previously
undisclosed (hackers years earlier tracked their IP address to one of the Polynesian islands).
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Eventually, a special license was dispensed, and Diseases for Sale required waivers from
customers in select countries.

In R. J. Brandon’s memoirs, he divulged that during this period of growth, the company relied
more on their stable and consistent customers. “We had all sorts of professionals availing of our
services and it is because of their patronage that we continued to be a successful enterprise.”
More than one method actor, in interviews, admitted to using Diseases for Sale’s products in
order to better embrace their roles. Historical movies were one genre in which this proved
popular: why feign the symptoms of consumption when you could actually experience the
wracking agony of tuberculosis? Medical professionals were also under this consumer bracket,
as they bought diseases so that they might better understand—or failing that, empathize with—
their patients. (The more cynical doctors told their patients, “Yes, ma’am, I know exactly what it
feels like, so stop whining and let’s get this over with!”)

In the late 21st century, Diseases for Sale became as ubiquitous as Xerox or Coke. It was during
this period that the company pushed its more radical products into the market. Parents
bookmarked the order form for temporary paraplegia and tetraplegia, threatening their
misbehaving children with a few hours of limbic paralysis should they fail to cease their
tantrums. (The company had relaxed its stance on ‘Safety First!’ by this time and allowed
guardians to purchase diseases for their wards.)

The S&M crowd appropriated many of the company’s products for their own fetishes. Aside
from temporary paraplegia which the non-dominant partner usually ordered, Sickle Cell
Disease—pain being the least of its effects—also proved to be one of the company’s bestsellers.

Heavy taxation on alcohol led some drunkards to resort to doses of Alzheimer’s as it enabled
them to forget many of their problems without vomiting, hangovers, or random brawls.

Again, not all of Diseases for Sale’s products were met with open arms. Sterility was popular
among the bachelors and married Catholics (whose only form of birth control had previously
been withdrawal) until pro-life protesters held
several rallies. There were numerous debates as to
whether nonpermanent sterility actually counted as
anti-life, and this discussion intersected with
discussions of religion and philosophy.

At its peak, the company’s products delved into the

realm of abstract diseases. The R&D department
managed to distill elements of various diseases and
package them as concentrates. For the masochists
and morphine addicts, they sold pain. Those feeling
guilt at their inability to grieve at a relative’s
https://images.app.goo.gl/rRN5zejAbTKHR
funeral could avail of depression. Children and
bJV9
adults alike often bought denial, and Diseases for
Sale never asked them for their reasons.
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For a time, it was possible to custom-order

diseases that weren’t readily available on
the company’s catalog. Diseases for Sale
soon discontinued this service, however,
when they were unable to meet many of the
demands: spurned lovers and unsure youths
wanted to order homosexuality, but
Diseases for Sale countered that it was not
a disease. Military agencies imagined that
they would be more productive if they
could purchase paranoia, but the company
said that they were already infected with it.
Radical and right-wing leaders wanted to
https://images.app.goo.gl/6pAGQT8FCWE6EP36A mass-order discrimination and prejudice,
but Diseases for Sale instead offered them
prosopagnosia—the inability to distinguish
faces.

The most-requested disease in the company’s entire history was death. More than a few
billionaires, especially those crippled by an accident or suffering some terminal disease,
requested such a product. R. J. Brandon, however, declined to provide their request. When
pressed for a reason during an interview, he merely shook his head and told the press that “The
company was never in the business of selling cures.”

As successful as Diseases for Sale proved to be, it was not immune to market forces and the
ravages of time. New fads popped up, such as iSuicide, which bit into their clientele.
Governments created new laws which imposed high tariffs on their products. The human race
started developing stronger antibodies to combat its addiction to disease. The company finally
folded when a computer virus corrupted the company’s database, brainwashed the AI automating
many of its servers, and sent copies of itself to their clients. Yang Mei Lee, an independent
business consultant, has this to say on the matter: “It was the company’s downfall when they
inadvertently gave away free product. They could have capitalized on the incident by charging
their customers for the virus.”

Tan, C. (2009). A Retrospective on Disease for Sale. Anna Tambour Presents.

https://www.annatambour.net/CharlesTan-DiseasesforSale.htm