let's see if we can just kind of settle

over there you know down

you know let yourself see her face
you could just kind of like yourself
channel and
can't breathe
and let yourself just see her maybe that
last time you did see her
and so she's failed the bar again
and why did you see if you can like let
yourself look into that face
see and see her
you know you just told me about how hard
it was for him to see right now
and fight you ask you to honor her here
with your presence
to bring a shelf to her
don't light yourself
be her voice here
maybe if you could touch your own
sadness you would find that you had your
hand on the same cloth but she is
touching
and are you
like your I just
yeah look it just sort of
touchdown and
follow the shape of her how she holds
her body
where's she Orient's her face
how she holds herself
let yourself just gently sort of notice
the contours of her as she sits there
see if you can just feel the weight of
what she is carrying rolling off of her
what it would mean to her to lay down
that burden
and to not be able to
every
now I'd like you to imagine that your
awareness could just be poured into her
body and I know I'm asking a hard to
think
and we can let it go a little later but
for right now I'm gonna ask you beg you
I just gently let go of any resistance
and let yourself be poured into her so
that your awareness starts to feel her
uh her feed her legs
until you start to breathe air through
her mouth
and let that awareness just fill for the
top of her head so that you can start to
feel that trap that she sits inside of
and let it just twist you
and shape you in the same way that it
shapes her and notice where that
twisting and shaping where you can feel
that in your life
and just a moment I'm gonna ask you to
gently open your eyes carry
and I'm going to ask you to open your
eyes from her eyes
and before you do notice that there's a
person sitting across from you who
you've been working with for a couple of
years and maybe you can even see in this
person you've been working with some
disappointment
so when you're ready
why yet
gently gently like your eyes come open
and join me here in the room
looks like it's been a hard week
yeah
keeps the same old thing you know I keep
have to
do what I need to do so that I can take
this test again and I'm just going to do
it
but
um
the thought of not passing another time
just terrifies me
it's better not to do anything they'd
fail again is that what you've been
finding yourself doing yeah right now
yeah
like we're at home
at home at bars
what's that look like
like if I were to walk by one and see
yeah
so if I was their final drugs and I
don't think about it
about yourself at the bar by myself with
friends can you talk like a great many
that do you get a little ease in there
yeah I can
we joke and make fun of it little
breathing space yeah you know that I'll
be I'll be the 40 year old who's living
at home with her mom because could never
pass the bar be a big girl and take care
of myself
it's not seeming very funny now
otherwise
No
you know as you're talking about that
it's uh it uh like to make me cry
thinking about you joking about it
well I do cry hot me too
I thought I've been thinking about him
take me out with me
there's
some I've been thinking about lately
about us in here working and we've been
working a while and there's something
that I noticed that I've been doing in
here and
okay I feel like I want to come clean
okay
and I like watching you in this scramble
you know what to pass the bar
you know trying to find ways to hold off
you know what that means
you know and
I it's just been so hard for me to see
that
I mean I know I've talked to you
different times about things like
acceptance and you know like what I
haven't been doing it is bad you know
like I've been sort of stand up here
with you you know
and I'm seeing you here this week and
I'm thinking you got bar rooms full of
people who are willing to stay up there
with you
that I'm wondering you know like if you
have anybody who will like come down
here right here
like is there anybody who
what really knows the heart of this
I think there are some people who do for
a minute and then they get frustrated
with me
continue
exactly they are and I want to make sure
that I was like here yes so could you
just like sort of say their name so that
you could hear yourself saying their
name just like who is it
they can see you but then turns away
well there are a lot of people you know
my family's like just do it
oh not in my family
which one
like if you just sort of let your family
buffle there and let one just sort of
rise
I'd say probably my mom she wasn't real
keen on me doing this anyway
Carrie I want to make sure that I hear
you so let me hear this it's like
like I asked you if anybody knows about
this and said that you thought that some
people know but that they can't take
very much of it and they turn away
that's how mom sees me and she sees
how hard this is and sees me as credible
and long turns away
it's alright yeah
can you see you're sort of physically
see her face I wonder if you could just
take just a moment and let your eyes go
closed and see if you can see your mom's
face
see if you can just let yourself look
into your mom's eyes
and then Jim might come back into the
room here and open your eyes and would
you tell me
what you see there
disappointment
and she turns away
and what does Kerry do that happens
I tell her that at least she has two
other kids who have their bag together
who have professional success that are
doing what they should be doing
what's that like saying that you've been
to me right here right now embarrassing
embarrassed
say that to me embarrass that I'm not
thought that I just can't you know pass
this stupid test
oh there's this like piece in there that
I can't quite put a hand on but it's
like um you know like a bad burn there
on the stove was hot and you reached out
and you put your hand on it and you
would just take your hand off of it but
there wouldn't be any kind of you know I
mean you wouldn't sort of hesitate there
or sort of linger near it or anything
you just take your hand off and that
would be it and
so some things are like that you know
like they poke it and you just draw your
hand but this isn't really like that
because if it were just that you know we
just like wouldn't even be having this
conversation you would turn away from
this and we just walk away from it and
that would be the end of it
and it wouldn't be any more difficult I
might leave a little residue like just
like touching the burner would but there
wouldn't be any hesitation about walking
away from it and it makes me think like
but it's like hard to see anything but
the pain like right now
it's like there's almost like there's
nothing about the pain yeah it's like
reflected everywhere even in the jokes
it's like I think the saddest thing that
you've said to me so far today is the
jokes I think it hurts the most
yeah you hear me yeah come on Jeremy
thank you
you're hearing that
and there's like something else this
isn't just like odd for there's like
something else in there besides pay
are you asking me what is it well how
about this like without answering so
like you got this kind of called drug no
you know there's like disappointment
failing the test and feeling bad about
and getting drunk about it and joking
about it there's all that in there and
it's so easy to see all of those things
and I just wonder like there's something
else about what in there and so
I want you to just kind of have yourself
like would it be possible for just to
just let that stuff kind of bubble I
mean it's not like there's any gettin
rid of it anyway
but if we could just sort of let that
bubble and see if there isn't just
something else in there
breathe
what's in there that brings you back
I mean why don't I just walk away is
that what you mean you know that's close
to what I mean
it's something more like
I mean that's kind of part of it but
it's got like what I'm feeling for here
has more heart to it then why don't you
just walk away it's more like
like and you're here and you haven't
walked away and what's in there you know
that wouldn't make it so that you would
keep your hand and all that that pain
what did you have failure yeah I know
you don't I know you don't and I just
don't believe that's all there is to it
I just don't believe it
what do you think is there I don't know
but I think you couldn't know like what
if there like to get it this way like
say we could put it on your tombstone
she wasn't a failure
is that what you want on your tombstone
like she wasn't a failure
versus she was a success
softer
yeah well let's just leave verses out of
it
and let's just sort of say if you could
light yourself long for something like a
you know like a like if you're putting
your hand down into something like a
this kind of cauldron of all this pain
will kind of stuff right and like if
that's not just about pain like if
there's something that you could sort of
reach for in there that would dignify
having your hand down in the middle
you know would it be she wasn't a
failure or is there something if you
reach down in there just a little
further and I I want you to like before
you answer just kind of see if you could
just close your eyes for a moment and
just imagine is it a riot if I call up
these hard things Carrie would it be
okay yeah just a minute
so there's all this like I should reach
your hand down in there there's all
those painful things
there's failing the test and there's
come in here and telling me about that
and there's that look in your mom's eyes
and there's getting drunk about it and
there's joking about it
and I want you to just imagine that
you're reaching your hand down in there
and let yourself just feel it in your
hand
how painful it is to reach in there and
if you could reach in just a little
farther just a little farther what my be
in there
just to hang out inside that
and Brie
just gently gently
let your eyes come open and meet me here
again
what might be in there her caring
I know
why didn't notice just like right there
was like a little place right before I
asked you I might be in there for you
listen like just like a little thing
where there was like you were hoping
there'd be something in there something
then you just can't quite name it yeah
like maybe it's just like something
that's like so kind of tiny that you
can't hardly even see it but you can
tell it's there it's out there and
if there's something that could be there
that would dignify having your hand
try this
that way
who's someone that you love that's young
you think somebody you love who's young
yeah like youto like has a life ahead of
it without it like today cuz it yeah
yeah like to somebody you're fond of
that you can sort of look at him and
hope for things for ya if they had their
hand sorta dipped down in this really
painful bucket and I know that you
wouldn't want to wish that on anybody
but if they did have their hand deep
down in it and they could sort of lift
something out for themselves out of all
that pain what would you hope for them
to lift out of it
any purpose
like like they dipped your hand down in
this and while we come up with like this
sense of direction you know something
that wouldn't worry up
and what would that mean to you know
like if you know like if your hand came
about it there and like you know you
didn't even know it was gonna be there
but there it was like what would that
mean to you if you lift the purpose
thought of that
but that maybe some of this is was I
mean this is it just visible wasting
good money
what would that mean to you how precious
would that be like if I could okay put
your hands out
like if I can't say okay I've got this
here he just lifted this out of there
yeah
like how precious would pass
how much pain did that be worth
could you say yes
if it gave this a chance if it gave it
just a chance even
yeah
well let me ask you this question
why like if you could serve the highest
purpose that could come from here like
in the law what would you serve
the protection of children and
innocently to protect those
yeah
okay now I want you to like notice that
they're they're like were something that
like that you know like were you to put
your hand down in there and something
came a bit like that that lots of things
might happen like maybe mom and be proud
dad insists and all that but I want you
to like like imagine it was possible
that none of them could know anything
about it so all the people that you've
disappointed right wouldn't know
anything about it but that putting your
hand down in that crucible allowed you
to lift that up and and to be an
advocate in that way for people would
have no voice oh we have no way to
protect themselves
would it be worth putting your hand
would it be worth putting your hand down
in there two times three times like yes
it made possible you'd give that you
know voice to that advocacy work
yeah
see this feels like
does this feel like purpose
it felt like there has been a purpose
yeah it gets lost in all of it you know
with all that broken glass sticking you
they had everything it gets lost it got
lost for me in here too you know and I'm
sorry that it got lost for me here and I
promise that the next time I get lost
I'd like to promise you that I won't but
I will
but that the next time that I get lost
but as soon as I see that I'm lost I'm
coming back to you and I'm coming back
to this if this is what you would like
to come back to
you know could this be you know maybe we
need this like to remember what we're
here for you know that we're not years
for you know mums admiration although
that would be wonderful
and I get what that means but I got a
problem you know I get it that would be
great you know all those things too but
that what we're here for is you know
that that purpose that would make it
worth putting your arm down in that
crucible
you'd be
I went down
that would need something would be
somebody
I don't want this you know to be you
know about me
and you know I want you know to be
something that you and I you know can
work on you know and does this have the
feel of it yeah
kind of got more life than some of the
scrambles around we've done
yeah I just didn't know I haven't seen
it that way
see just for helping me figured that
sound about the purpose it hasn't felt
that way you know I I don't think I did
figure it out I think that you know we
just reach down in far enough where we
could torture like you know cuz frankly
when we started I couldn't figure it out
all I could figure out was how confused
I was and how much I was missing it
missing the point and kind of funny I
like you can get confused and refine
purpose
remember you said you reach down in
there and you didn't know what was there
yeah but it was like something and it
was something that touched you something
like advocacy for children
we have fun
we have
these three times and
if it seems to you like we've used it
well and I want to invite you to come
back
maybe you and I can find a way to
welcome all of this as a way you know to
reach him you know where those children
are that you would want to serve there's
plenty of in there too yeah maybe this
is practice for that you know if we can
learn to reach into this pain and then
maybe just maybe you'll be better able
to reach into that they've got plenty
they're just maybe a things that you can
see and hear there
knowing you know how to
make a place for pain like let's you
make a place for these people that you
want to serve
that's uh
you know sometimes
I'm honored to have the work that I have
and I want you to know that this is like
one of those times when like I really
noticed that I'm a hundred
and
and I went forward
what we might put together
you
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