Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Production # 1ACX04
Written by
Danny Smith
Created by
Seth MacFarlane
Executive Producers
Seth MacFarlane
David Zuckerman
THE WRITING CREDITS MAY NOT BE FINAL AND SHOULD NOT BE USED FOR
PUBLICITY OR ADVERTISING PURPOSES WITHOUT FIRST CHECKING WITH
TELEVISION LEGAL DEPARTMENT.
CLEVELAND.................................................MIKE HENRY
HORTON...............................................SETH MACFARLANE
JESUS................................................SETH MACFARLANE
MANAGER...................................................SETH GREEN
NOAH..................................................SETH MAŒARLANE
PATIENTS.........................................................ALL
QUAGMIRE.............................................SETH MACFARLANE
COLD OPEN
BOB BARKER
ANNOUNCER (V.0.)
BOB BARKER
BOB BARKER
MARINE
BOB BARKER
(MORE)
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 2.
HEAVYSET WOMAN
BOB BARKER
HEAVYSET WOMAN
STEWIE
there!
LOIS
STEWIE
LOIS
STEWIE
LOIS
STEWIE
BOB BARKER
BRIAN
ACT ONE
PETER and Brian watch TV. CHRIS does his homework. He slams
his pencil down, frustrated.
CHRIS
PETER
PETER (CONT'D)
back?
PETER (CONT'D)
anymore.
Lois enters.
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 5.
LOIS
PETER
born.
DOCTOR
to have a look?
PETER
DOCTOR
LOIS
DOCTOR
Europe?
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 6.
We see certain cities have been marked with an "X" and "Bomb
Here." We PUSH IN ON newborn Stewie in Lois' arms, looking
around maliciously.
LOIS
Charlie's.
CHRIS
LOIS
Stewie enters.
STEWIE
service here!
PETER
STEWIE
(SUSPICIOUSLY) Plans?
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 7.
PETER
LOIS
STEWIE
STEWIE (CONT'D)
BRIAN
Freak.
PETER
PETER (CONT'D)
Huh.
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 8.
As Peter walks toward the outlet with his fork, MEG runs up
sobbing.
PETER (CONT‘D)
MEG
cheerleading!
PETER
you do?
MEG
fit in with.
PETER
RIFF
PETER
RIFF
MEG
PETER
MEG
myself.
PETER
MEG
She gives him a kiss and runs into the house as Lois comes
outside.
MEG (CONT’D)
LOIS
Peter and Meg are on the porch as a bus with the words
"HANSON - NATIONAL TOUR" rolls to a stop in front of the
Griffins' home. (The radiator of the bus emits steam.) Meg
stands up, overjoyed. The three blonde mop-topped HANSON BOYS
get out.
HANSON KID
PETER
Corn!
PETER
talk.
LOIS
PETER
LOIS
PETER
said, "Da-da!"
LOIS
PETER
LOIS
PETER
LOIS
PETER
reacts to cabbage.
STEWIE (V.0.)
STEWIE (V.O.)(CONT’D)
himself.
MATCH DISSOLVE
TO:
STEWIE (V.O.)
grueling months...
DISSOLVE TO:
STEWIE (V.O.)
He glances down.
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 14.
confine, I am powerless...
STEWIE
at that game!
STEWIE (CONT'D)
He takes out his Winnie the Pooh backpack and begins packing.
STEWIE (CONT'D)
Cheerios...
CHEERLEADER #1
popular.
CHEERLEADER #2
MEG
up with.
JENNIFER
MEG
JENNIFER
MEG
teeth.
QUAGMIRE
CLEVELAND
PETER
QUAGMIRE
PETER
CLEVELAND
QUAGMIRE
PETER
scam.
PETER
gold fish.
PETER
CLEVELAND
PETER
PETER (CONT'D)
you.
PETER (CONT'D)
MANAGER
PETER
PETER (CONT'D)
MANAGER
PETER
MANAGER
Charlie himself.
PETER
HORTON the elephant lies on the bed reading a book. The CAT
IN THE HAT sits at the table. The faint sound of a creaking
bed is heard from the next room. Horton perks up a bit and
puts his ear to the wall.
HORTON
Hey.
Hmm?
HORTON
C‘mere.
What?
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 20.
HORTON
MANAGER
office.
PETER
Peter absently pulls a plastic ball from the crack of his ass
and tosses it aside. We hear it bounce away.
PETER (CONT'D)
Saturday.
PARENT #1
PARENT #2
Me, first!
PARENT #3
Cash money!
MANAGER
PETER
bargain.
(MORE)
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 21.
PETER (CONT'D)
(BEAT) Four?
PETER (CONT’D)
ACT TWO
LOIS
MEG
JENNIFER
LOIS
JENNIFER
LOIS
JENNIFER
Jennifer exits.
MEG
Saturday.
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 23.
LOIS
This Saturday?
MEG
event!
LOIS
first birthday.
MEG
LOIS
MEG
PATIENTS
They all yell and run around. A CRAZY GUY comes up to Meg.
CRAZY GUY
PETER
you...
LOIS
LOIS (CONT'D)
Stewie's last suction cup pops off and he falls out of frame
with a crash.
STEWIE (O.S.)
Aahh!
LOIS
MEG
LOIS
Peter?
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 25.
PETER
reservation.
LOIS
PETER
LOIS
place.
PETER
would be perfect.
PETER
CLUB OWNER
SWEATSHOP FOREMAN
long.
PETER
cake?
SWEATSHOP FOREMAN
No.
PETER
so popular?
The Mental Patients are still yelling and running around (as
in prior flashback). Peter's talking to the Crazy Guy.
CRAZY GUY
the gut.
PETER
Ow!
PETER
home.
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 27.
LOIS
PETER
great.
LOIS
BRIAN
you.
PETER
BRIAN
PETER
BRIAN
AIRLINE EMPLOYEE
lost?
STEWIE
AIRLINE EMPLOYEE
STEWIE
AIRLINE EMPLOYEE
little boy.
STEWIE
SECURITY GUARD
with me?
STEWIE
BRIAN
the party?
PETER
ANGLE ON THE OUTPUT TRAY -- The machine cranks out page after
page of xeroxed coins.
PETER
ALEX TREBEK
PETER
Diarrhea!
PETER (CONT'D)
diarrhea.
BRIAN
PETER
PETER
PETER
BRIAN
Yah! Yah!
BRIAN
Someday.
SECURITY GUARD
boy?
STEWIE
SECURITY GUARD
STEWIE
nothing!
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 32.
SECURITY GUARD
STEWIE
CARBONITE!
PETER
worth it.
CHRIS
PETER
PETER (CONT'D)
QUAGMIRE
CLEVELAND
PETER
NOAH
NOAH (CONT'D)
FRAT BOY #1
Party.
NOAH
Okay.
ANGLE ON PETER AND THE GUYS -- Meg comes out of the house.
MEG
PETER
MEG
(DISAPPOINTED) Yes.
PETER
MEG
PETER
CLEVELAND
MEG
Thanks, Mr. B.
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 35.
PETER
PETER (CONT'D)
QUAGMIRE
CLEVELAND
Lois comes out of the house to where Brian and Peter stand.
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 36.
LOIS
imagined!
PETER
piñata?
PETER (CONT'D)
LOIS
family pictures.
PETER
salad disappear.
LOIS
PETER
LOIS
Lois starts to cry and runs into the house. Peter calls after
her.
PETER
BRIAN
PETER
won't be back.
FLIP TO:
Meg is with Jennifer and her new friends. All of them are
clean-cut, smiling teenagers with really short hair who are
unusually peppy and wearing identical dark blue jogging suits
and tennis shoes. In the center of the room there's a large
punch bowl.
JENNIFER
trip.
MEG
JENNIFER
Meg smiles and moves away. She doesn't see Jennifer as she
pours rat poison, anti-freeze, rusty nails, broken glass, a
rabid dog, and a book into the punch bowl. HOLD ON THE PUNCH
BOWL: The book floats on top of the punch. It reads, "Paul
Reiser's Couplehood."
ACT THREE
CHRIS
STEWIE
CHRIS
Chris runs off. Stewie goes back to eyeing the crowd with
suspicion.
PETER
JESUS
PETER
LOIS
PETER
that.
LOIS
STEWIE
the womb.
STEWIE (CONT’D)
escape.
DISSOLVE TO:
STEWIE (V.O.)
kicks.
Stewie kicks.
LOIS
PETER (O.S.)
Ahhh!
STEWIE (V.O.)
dead.
DISSOLVE TO:
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 42.
STEWIE (V.O.)
last!
STEWIE (V.O.)
STEWIE
be prepared.
JENNIFER
day!
MEG
JENNIFER
great.
MEG
JENNIFER
He's a eunuch.
MEG
(CHEERED) Really?
JENNIFER
We see two CULT BOYS near the punch bowl, checking out girls.
CULT KID #1
CULT KID #2
No.
CULT KID #1
Me neither!
QUAGMIRE
She does.
QUAGMIRE (CONT'D)
riiiiight.
CLEVELAND
master of prestidigitation.
PETER
CLEVELAND
festivities.
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 45.
PETER
STEWIE
STEWIE (CONT'D)
INFANT
(HAPPILY) Ducky?
STEWIE
PETER
Now where?
CLEVELAND
JENNIFER
MEG
JENNIFER
(BRIGHTLY) Okay!
The door flies open, and the CULT LEADER ‘enters. He's got
short white hair and looks like vegetarian.
CULT LEADER
JENNIFER
with us?
CULT LEADER
suit?
MEG
CULT LEADER
MEG
CULT LEADER
refreshments!
PETER
Mob?
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 48.
JENNIFER
MEG
I could die.
CULT KID #1
JENNIFER
PETER
JENNIFER
No, sir.
PETER
JENNIFER
MEG
That is so sweet.
PETER
sick.
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 49.
CULT KID #1
PETER
MEG
there?
PETER
life.
MEG
ever!
PETER
MEG
CULT KID #2
I miss my mom.
CULT KIDS
though.
JENNIFER
CULT KID #2
party, too?
PETER
JENNIFER
PETER
CULT KIDS
To family!
They all drink the punch. Peter lifts his glass but glances
at his watch, spilling the punch.
PETER
PETER
PETER (CONT'D)
CULT LEADER
arrived...
The Cult Leader looks down and sees his dead followers on the
floor (and out of frame), then the half-empty punch bowl.
He crosses to the doorway and sees Peter and Meg drive off.
white robe.
He grabs a white robe off the coat rack by the door. It looks
uncannily similar to what the doctor was wearing in Stewie's
birth flashback.
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 52.
LOIS
MEG
LOIS
Meg!
MEG
LOIS
PETER
damn cake!
LOIS
The Cult Leader knocks on the front door. The door slowly
swings open with a creak.
CULT LEADER
Hello?
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 53.
He enters, tentatively.
The Cult Leader walks in the hall. The place is eerily quiet.
He hears a scampering behind him and whirls, but nothing's
there.
CULT LEADER
Is anybody home?
Aaah!
STEWIE (V.O.)
CULT LEADER
STEWIE (V.O.)
see you!
The Cult Leader turns toward the living room and spots a
partially open closet door with a mirror on it.
warmer!
The Cult Leader moves towards the closet door, then throws it
open! It's just a baby monitor.
CULT LEADER
STEWIE (V.O.)
do you want?
CULT LEADER
STEWIE (V.O.)
CULT LEADER
STEWIE
It's a boy!
PETER
MEG
STEWIE
Victory is mine!
FAMILY GUY - "CHITTY CHITTY DEATH BANG" (TABLE DRAFT) 8/20/98 55.
LOIS
CHRIS
PETER
STEWIE
FADE OUT.
THE END