I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. I find them unholy and obscene.

I despise their
shallow understanding of human emotions. I loathe their cheap aesthetic and soap
opera set design. I am disgusted by their reliance on cheap cliches to create temporary
problems that are easily resolved. I want to throw up when I see the same plot reused
over and over and over again. The same characters, the typical Scrooge, the perfect
girl who will melt his frozen heart, the supporting grandfather figure who happens to
know just the right thing to say at just the right time, and of course the town who
seems so invested in Christmas that they probably jack off to nativity scenes. This
might not be so horrid if the acting wasn't so greatly mediocre, and dialogue were not
the most boring surface level pieces of drivel I have ever heard. No subtlety, no
nuance, nothing even of interest, just the same tried subjects to the same shallow
script, with the same "wholesome" one-liners to remind you that things are all right.
Above all, however, is the notion that they insist that the greatest of anyone's problems
is a mildly failing relationship, or a person who doesn't know that what they are looking
for has been there the whole time, or maybe someone who is struggling in work, but
not really as they will make it out just fine. There is no depth, no repercussions for
anyone's actions, no real problems. Everyone is living such amazing lives that these
otherwise small inconveniences are met with the utmost priority. They are the film
equivalence of an overly sweet dessert, believing raw overwhelming agreeableness is a
fair substitute for actual substance or flavor. Yet these plots that teenage pop stars
would neglect to write songs about for their overly simplistic and childish outlook on life
take center stage in these so-called movies. But I think what annoys me the most is
how fucking addicting these can be. How my family loves to turn them on, and how like
some psychedelic drug, I lose all agency over my body and join in the mind-numbing
soma that is Hallmark Christmas specials.