Final Portfolio Revision Matrix

Text from my initial A comment or The changes(s) I How this change

WP submission: question I received made to what I impacts my paper:
(note which WP) (from initially wrote:
whom/where?)

WP1: “Many citizens share I rewrote the sentence

“I once wondered Style Reading: this feeling and to include a
why some people Shape: choose to skip over resumptive modifier,
choose not to vote, Mentions using the Propositions due in this case, “...due to
and although there are resumptive modifiers to confusion; confusion; confusion
multitudes of reasons, to be able to write a confusion that comes that comes from…”.
I have witnessed and long sentence while from the original This modifier allows
personally still avoiding sprawl. texts being incredibly me to connect
experienced people long and containing people’s confusion of
skipping over the formal language the Propositions to the
Propositions due to unfamiliar to them.” length and formality
confusion on what of the original text in
they stand for.” an efficient and clear
way.

WP1: Julia: “To complete this My original

“I would like a bit translation I used introduction had a
There was no original more of a road map genre conventions thesis but lacked a
text, for this was an for the rest of the such as including road map for what I
additional sentence I essay in the intro.” only key information, was going to be
added. altering the formal talking about in my
diction to become essay. By including
more this quote, I
comprehensible, specifically state the
changing the format, conventions that I
and incorporating used, which are the
visual cues.” key points of the
entire essay. This
gives the reader a
much better
understanding of what
the essay will be
focused on.

WP1: Julia: I decided to eliminate As Julia mentioned,

“The first step in “Eliminate most of this sentence entirely. my paper was written
forming my the step-by-step heavily in first-
translation was elimination of what person. When I read
electing which you did and talk more back through it, it was
proposition I would about the specific evident that the paper
translate.” analysis of what you felt more like a
did.” personal reflection
than an analysis on
my translation. For
this reason, I began
eliminating sentences
that laid out steps, and
instead mentioned
direct decisions I
made. This eliminates
some of the personal
reflection feel without
completely removing
first-person from the
paper.

WP1: Julia: “The original text of I removed the first-

“I examined the “I think there is a Prop. 22 is a 10-page person narrative in
original text of Prop. little bit too much document filled with this sentence and
22, which is a 10- first person in the a multitude of worded it as an
page document filled paper which paragraphs and argument, which
with a multitude of contributes to this complex phrases, makes the statement
paragraphs, and feeling of a personal which makes evident much stronger. An
quickly realized that reflection. By that the intended example is how I
it applies to an reworking the audience is one of changed the phrase
audience of advanced sentence is into more advanced readers or “and quickly realized
readers or people of an argument, it will people previously that it applies to” to
previously sound much knowledgeable on the “which makes evident
knowledgeable on the stronger.” subject. “ that the intended
subject.” audience is.” Directly
saying something is
evident rather than
mentioning you
realized something
adds great validity
and grit to the
statement.

WP1: Julia: “Therefore, the I removed the “I

“Therefore, I “Eliminate most of audience of my established” to
established my the step-by-step translation must be decrease the amount
audience as all voters, elimination of what all voters, no matter of “step-by-step”
no matter what level you did and talk more what level of explanation of what I
of education or about the specific education or political did. This eliminates
political standing, to analysis of what you standing, to ensure the feeling of a
ensure that every did.” that every person has personal reflection. I
person has the the opportunity to also added the phrase
opportunity to form form an educated “must be” which
an educated opinion opinion and cast their gives the statement
and cast their vote.” vote.” great clarity and
strength.

WP1: Style Reading: “Creating this This change impacts

“I decided that Shape: infographic is the my paper by
creating this “a way to reshape perfect way to separating a long
infographic would be sprawl is to turn present Prop. 22, yet sentence combined by
the perfect way to subordinate clauses as the author of the subordinate clause
understand Prop. 22, into independent “Murder-Rhetorically “which” into two
but as the author of sentences.” Speaking,” Janet separate sentences.
‘Murder-Rhetorically Boyd, made clear, The sentence
Speaking,’ Janet AND “choosing how to originally felt like a
Boyd, made clear, express your meaning run-on sentence, so
‘choosing how to Julia: is every bit as by removing the
express your meaning “Don't forget to cite important as the subordinate clause
is every bit as the page number for message itself” (Boyd “which”, and creating
important as the your quotes” 87). This proves that a separate sentence,
message itself,’ which in order to translate the idea is made much
meant to me that I Prop. 22 into an clearer. I also added
needed to establish infographic and best the page number in
effective genre express its message, the correct MLA
conventions to best effective genre format!!
convey my conventions must be
infographic.” used.”

WP1: “Style Reading: “I decided that the In this change I

“In brainstorming Cohesion and best way to shorten removed the
ways in which I could Coherence” and simplify the statement “In
shorten and simplify “Avoid distractions at original document brainstorming ways in
the original the beginning of was to create an which I could…” and
document, my mind sentences.” informational “my mind went
went towards creating infographic. towards creating...”
an informational These statements are
infographic…” unnecessary and
make it take longer to
get to/distract from
the topic/subject of
the sentence. The
sentence is now much
more coherent.
WP1: I didn’t receive notes “By taking only key I realized that I had
“By taking only key on this but corrected information the not yet mentioned that
information and it myself (not related reader’s attention can I altered the diction,
altering the diction to a source). better be kept, and so I needed to remove
to become less the material presented “and altering the
formal, I can both becomes more diction to become less
keep the reader’s coherent.” formal.” This
attention and make eliminates confusion
what they are reading on what is currently
coherent.” being analyzed.

WP1: I received no notes on I REMOVED this Although I like this

“Each election year this but corrected it statement. sentence, I decided to
the American people myself (not related to remove it from my
can use their vote to a source). introduction
take part in the future paragraph. I felt that it
course of our country was an unnecessary
by making important sentence, and by
national and local removing it I could
decisions.” more directly begin
the discussion of my
project.

WP1: Julia: I added the following I don’t know how I

“It looks like some of to my Works Cited forgot this, but I did
This is an addition! your sources are page: not have a complete
missing in the work Works Cited page! I
Boyd, Janet. went through my
cited page.”
“Murder! paper, found my
(Rhetorically uncited quotes, and
Speaking).” Writing created the MLA
Spaces 2: Readings citation for the
on Writing, Volume source.
2, by Charles Lowe
and Pavel
Zemliansky, Parlor
Press, 2010, pp. 87–
101.
AND
Carroll, Laura Bolin.
“Backpacks vs.
Briefcases: Steps
toward Rhetorical
Analysis.” Writing
Spaces: Readings on
Writing, by Charles
 Lowe and Pavel
Zemliansky, Parlor
Press, 2010, pp. 45–
58.

WP1: I received no notes on I added, “In order to Before adding this

There was no original this but corrected it create a successful sentence, the
text, for this was an myself (not related to infographic on this reasoning behind why
addition to my essay. a source). Proposition, I had to I referred to the
analyze its original writing of Laura
rhetorical context and Bolin Carroll wasn’t
recognize the rhetoric extremely clear. By
necessary for my first stating what I
translation.” needed to analyze, it
makes more sense
why I referred to the
writing for guidance.

WP1: Julia: “Another example I only referenced one

There was no original “you don't provide comes from the specific quote from
text, for this was an very much evidence quote, the original text of
addition to my essay. in the form of direct ‘Notwithstanding any Prop. 22, which is not
quotations from the other provision of the best way to
original text that you law, including, but present my analysis.
can then compare not limited to, the By adding this direct
with your new Labor Code, the evidence, I add
translation quotes. Unemployment credibility to and
Add in more evidence Insurance Code, and strengthen my
from the original text any orders, argument. I also
and genre regulations, or added the page
conventions to opinions of the number to the quote!!
complete the Department of
analysis.” Industrial Relations
or any board,
AND division, or
commission within
“Don't forget to cite the Department of
the page number for Industrial Relations,
your quotes” an app-based driver is
an independent
contractor and not an
employee or agent
with respect to the
app-based driver’s
relationship with a
 network company if
the following
conditions are met:’
(Propositions 31).”

WP1: “6 Styles - “Each section is I reworded this

“Each section is Concision” Reading headed by a bold title sentence by replacing
headed by a bold title and the simplified “placed beneath the
and evidence was text falls beneath corresponding title”
placed beneath the them in bullet-point with “falls beneath
corresponding title in form.” them” to sound much
bullet-point form.” more concise. “The
corresponding title” is
already implied, so by
replacing it with the
simple word “them”
the sentence makes
more sense.

WP1: Style Reading: “At the end of the I rearranged this

“Lastly, I added Emphasis infographic, ‘Don’t sentence to begin with
‘Don’t Forget to “The three tactical Forget to Vote’ a short introductory
Vote’ followed by the revision to stress” followed by the date phrase and then added
date of the election at of the election was the new information.
the end of my added to promote This follows one of
infographic as a way readers to use the the three tactical
to promote readers to information they read revisions to stress, for
use the information and head to the I moved new
from the infographic polls.” information to the
to make an informed right of an
vote.” introductory phrase. I
also made sure that it
still began with the
subject and was
followed by the
explanation so that it
flowed nicely.

WP1: Julia: “Voting is an Through my

This is an addition to “Your conclusion important part of additions, I was able
my conclusion. does a good job democracy, and as a to expand more on
summing up most of citizen of this what was mentioned
(I will bold the the main ideas in your country, I believe that throughout the paper.
additions/changes, as paper, although I every able voter I did not originally
I am pasting my think you can expand should be provided mention specifics as
entire conclusion into it a little bit more.” with clear to what I did for my
the box). information regarding translation, so I added
what is on their in the genre
ballot. However, conventions I
current Propositions analyzed. This adds
are not easily more summary to my
understandable, nor conclusion and better
are they constructed explains my main
in a way that urges ideas.
voters to read them.
This lack of
understanding has
led to a lack of votes
on these issues,
which is why it is
critical that more
easily
understandable
resources become
available. Through
genre conventions
such as including
only key
information,
altering the formal
diction to become
more
comprehensible,
changing the
format, and
incorporating visual
cues, I was able to
translate the
complex original
text of Proposition
22 into a visually
appealing and
succinct
infographic. I
created a resource
that is much easier
to interpret, people
would want to read,
and that would
hopefully inspire
them to vote for what
they believe in.”
WP2: “6 Styles - “In comparison to the My change lies only
“In comparison to the Concision” Reading: medical article, the in the removal of 3
medical article, the “Delete words that interdisciplinary words, but these
interdisciplinary repeat the meaning of article of socio- removals make the
article of socio- other words.” economics and sentence more
economics and environmental concise. The sentence
environmental science has a starts with “In
science has a separate discourse community comparison,” so the
discourse community of economists and word “separate” is
made up of environmental unnecessary when
economists and scientists.” explaining that the
environmental discourse
scientists.” communities are
different for this
article. The phrase
“made up of” is
unnecessary as well,
for you could more
simply state that the
discourse community
is made “of”
economists and
environmental
scientists.

WP2: “4 Styles: Cohesion I decided to delete The sentence itself is

“This article, and Coherence” this sentence. good, but it is
similarly to the Reading. unnecessary in regard
medical article, is to the paragraph.
written directly for Before this sentence,
people who are the discourse
professionals or have community is already
prior knowledge on stated, so I don’t need
the subject matter, in to restate it in the next
this case, economics sentence. Removing
and environmental this sentence makes
science.” the flow of the
paragraph better and
takes out repetition.

WP2: “4 Styles - Cohesion “Secondly, I rewrote this

“Environmental and Coherence” environmental sentence to make the
scientists present Reading: scientists present paragraph more
factual information Regarding how a factual information coherent (my
on the deteriorating piece is not coherent on the deteriorating sentences have
climate to raise when “The sentences climate, yet again, the common “themes”). I
awareness or create share no common information presented mention that the
policy change to save "themes" or ideas.” in this article is more article focuses on two
our planet. Yet once than the simple discourse
again, the information ALSO statement of ‘climate communities and
presented in this change is real.”’ begin the discussion
article is more than “Transitions on the first by saying
just the simple Handout” “Firstly.” To make
statement of ‘climate the flow of the
change is real.”’ paragraph better, I
began my discussion
on the second
discourse community
by saying “Secondly.”

WP2: My own personal “Specific and detailed This is the conclusion

“They present correction material regarding sentence of this
specific and detailed both topics are paragraph, so I
material that requires discussed, limiting wanted it to refer to
a greater the discourse both subjects in the
understanding of community to those article rather than just
environmental who are environmental
science, limiting the knowledgeable or science. I also added
discourse community professionals in these the specifics of what
as a whole.” fields.” the community was
limited to, whereas
before I just
mentioned that it was
limited. This adds
clarity to the sentence
and better concludes
the paragraph as a
whole.

WP2: Julia: “Both articles The purpose of this

“Both articles “You have a clear examine the change was to add the
examine the road map at the end Coronavirus “so what” to my
Coronavirus of the intro as well.pandemic but thesis statement. By
pandemic but You do have a thesis,approach the topic adding “These
approach the topic however, I think you from different differences showcase
from different can refine it even disciplinary the separate goals and
disciplinary further to make it perspectives, methodological
perspectives, stronger.” therefore differing in approaches to
therefore differing in discourse research within two
discourse “You might also work communities, overall separate genres of
communities, overall on strengthening your arguments, evidence writing,” I am directly
arguments, evidence thesis a little bit more employed, and the addressing the
employed, and the to include more of a type of academic prompt.
type of academic “because/why/so language used. These
language used.” what.” differences showcase
the separate goals and
methodological
approaches to
research within two
separate genres of
writing.”

WP2: Julia: “In addition to this, A big part of my

“In addition to this, “The biggest problem they argue that ‘the essay that needed
they argue that every with this essay is that influenza spread work was my lack of
person should wear there's a huge lack of could occur by evidence. To make
masks.” direct evidence. You coughing or sneezing my argument
make great arguments where infectious stronger, I decided to
and are well on the particles could be incorporate a direct
way to an excellent inhaled with a range quote that explains
paper. But without of 0.1–100 μm [50– their additional
direct quotes to 55]; thus, the argument rather than
support each of your personal respiratory me paraphrasing it.
arguments, those protective equipment This adds validity,
arguments are very is really needed to strength, and
weak. Adding in prevent or limit the credibility to my
direct quotes from the influenza virus paper.
articles to outbreak.”’
demonstrate each of
your claims will
significantly improve
the paper.”

WP2: Julia: “Apart from profound This is another

“They make this “Adding in direct social and economic example of how I
argument by first quotes from the implications [4], added direct evidence
analyzing how the articles to there was however a to my essay.
decrease in economic demonstrate each of silver lining: the Incorporating this
activity has your claims will grounding of planes quote gives a good
threatened global significantly improve and shutdown of inside look on their
economies. They then the paper.” factories due to the main argument and
go on to say that there implementation of explains the
is, however, a “silver travel bans and connection between
lining” to this lockdowns had a the two genres. It also
decrease in activity, beneficial effect on adds credibility to the
for it has been air pollution.” piece, for it directly
beneficial towards air references the article
pollution.” under discussion.

WP2: This edit is my own “In this case, the This is a very minor
“The authors correction. I didn't authors conducted change, but I believe
conducted their own specifically get it their own study to that it makes a major
study to present and from a source or present and verify impact. I added “In
verify their argument, lesson, but I am their argument, which this case,” to
which contributes a attempting to contributes a emphasize how this
discovery to the emphasize, which is discovery to the article conducted their
collective knowledge in part inspired by collective knowledge own experiment while
of both socio- “Style Reading: of both the medical article did
economics and Emphasis.” socioeconomics and not. This emphasis
environmental environmental adds on to the
science - individually science - individually differences between
and together.” and together.” articles.

WP2: Julia: “To further support Adding a direct visual

This is an addition to “Adding in an actual the experiments, the from one of my
my essay. image of this visual authors visually articles serves strong
data would really present the results by evidence (which I
strengthen your incorporating direct lacked) and
argument and serve as images of the CT strengthens my
strong evidence. You scan, as shown overall argument.
can use the snip tool below.
or another app to cut
a graph, chart, or
other visual evidence
out of the article PDF
and then paste it into
your own essay. Of
course, be sure to cite
the image just like
you would attract
quote.”

WP2: “Using Transitions” “Additionally, three The point of this

“Three highly handout highly sophisticated sentence is to provide
sophisticated models models are attached additional evidence,
are also attached to to the results, which yet I don’t feel the
the article, which help readers visually way I originally
serves as a way for conceptualize them.” phrased the sentence
the readers to visually provided the best
conceptualize the transition. By
results at hand.” beginning the
sentence with
“Additionally,” the
transition is much
smoother and allows
the reader to better
follow along.

WP2: “Style Reading: “Additionally, three To make this sentence

“Three highly Concision” highly sophisticated more concise I
sophisticated models models are attached replace the phrase
are also attached to to the results, which “serves as a way for”
the article, which helps readers visually with “which helps.”
serves as a way for conceptualize the This simplifies the
the readers to visually results.” sentence and makes it
conceptualize the clearer.
results at hand.”

WP2: Julia: “Although these I decided to add a

“All in all, these “Adding a stronger articles are far too more interesting
articles are far too jump off point or call advanced for an jump-off point to my
advanced for the to action will make it average person like conclusion. This jump
average person, but even stronger.” myself, as a pre- off point of me as a
prove successful in medical student, I future member of one
showcasing the now have a better of the discourse
specific ways in understanding of how communities,
which their academic my future research supports why
discipline approaches will be presented.” understanding how
research.” certain disciplines go
about research is
important.

WP2: Julia: “The differences in I restate my thesis,

“Each academic “You might also work how these articles but phrase it in a way
discipline has its way on strengthening your approach their that explains “why”
of approaching thesis a little bit more research and discuss this research paper
research and information are was written and how
to include more of a
discussing shown through their understanding the
information, which is “because/why/so separate discourse differences between
shown through their what.” communities, overall disciplines is
separate discourse argument, use of important.
communities, overall evidence, and type of
argument, use of language used. These
evidence, and type of differences prove
academic language.” how the academic
 discipline in which a
piece of writing is
under affects how the
scholars within those
disciplines write
about their findings
and conclusions.”

WP2: Julia: One example: In Chicago Style

This is a correction to “Most of your citation the name of
one of my citations in footnotes look good. McCoy, Erin. “How the journal needs to
my Works Cited: However, the Data Visualization Is be in italics, which I
citations in the work Transforming the did not have before. I
McCoy, Erin. “How cited page don't look Healthcare Industry.” corrected the format
Data Visualization Is correct.” Medium Modus, of the citation, which
Transforming the December 16, 2019. is important in regard
AND https://modus.mediu to credibility and
Healthcare Industry.”
m.com/how-data- following correct
Medium Modus, visualization-is-
“The name of the guidelines.
December 16, 2019. journal needs to be in transforming-the-
https://modus.mediu italics.” healthcare-industry-
m.com/how-data- 6761d7293dd2.
visualization-is-
transforming-the-
healthcare-industry-
6761d7293dd2.

WP2: “Style Reading: This article is not I made the sentence

“This article is not Concision” easier to understand, more concise by
any easier to in fact, it is harder replacing “more
understand, in fact, it AND due to the difficult to
is more difficult to incorporation of understand” with
understand due to the Julia: mathematical “harder.” The original
incorporation of “The biggest problem formulas and statement is
mathematical with this essay is that processes such as “ redundant, for I
formulas and there's a huge lack of .” already stated that the
processes that are not direct evidence.” article is “not easier
described to understand,” so I
beforehand.” shouldn’t use the
word “understand”
again. I also add
direct evidence to my
claim, which adds
validity and strength
to the statement.