ah ial EXCELLENCE| Meee ROBERT H. WATERMAN, JR. a ed au) ok Most Marketable “Authors”Thomas J. Peters and Robert H. Waterman, Jr. (b. March 12, 1943; ly FLANDERS, just a few short months before the Renaissance, a young Spanish duke fell off his horse, because these were the Dark Ages, and he had forgotten his candle. “Odds Bodkins!” he cried. “What is it?” asked Herr Bodkins, the toy maker. “J forgot my candle again, Can I bor- row yours?” the duke beseeched him. Bodkins balked at being beseeched. “No,” he exclaimed therefore, and slip- ped a string through the nose of a toy doll. For, you see, during this time there was no such thing as business an- alysis, only candles and toys and strings through those toys and darkness every- where. ‘What, you may ask, has this to do with the authors in question? Well, children—at least we hope you are children, not Harvard Business School students reading this comic to get through a course—well, children, it has nothing at all to do with them. We were only having a little fun, playing at con- fusing your impressionable little minds. You see, sometimes it gets boring in the Bestsellers Mlustrated offices late at night, which is when we write these things, usually after we've had a few. “A few what?” we hear you pipe i quisitively. Let’s just say it’s a medicine that grown-ups must drink. And drink and drink and drink, to help them cope with humiliating livelihoods. To help . 2) them withstand certain in- dignities that no human being should be forced to put up with, Even if he is an ex-con. He’s still a man and he needs his dignity. But never mind. It’s the— uh—medicine talking. Let’s get back to the biog- raphy at hand. ‘Thomas J. Peters and Robert H. Wa- terman, Jr., identical twin genius busi- ness consultants, were born during the Great War, rising like a couplé of phoe- nixes from the smoke and ash and rubble that was Milano after the German blitz of Italy. Only figuratively, of course. In reality they were born in a hospital in Kew Gardens, New York. And the only rubble at hand was the one on the TV in Mrs. Peters/Waterman, Jr.’s semipri- vate room when she watehed The Flint- stones. ‘The twins were separated at birth, by cracking their shell in half and pouring the albumen back and forth from one half to the other. They did not meet again until Peters’s thirty-fifth year and, due to excessive jet travel, Waterman, Jr.’s thirty-seventh, when they independently applied for jobs as models in a hair restorer ad, Waterman, Jr. for the-be~ fore, Peters for the after. The twins recognized each other by the size of their necks. They soon discovered that separately they had been idiots, but to- gether they were a business genius. So they wrote a book... and the rest is hypocrisy.WHAT, THEN, 18.8 COM= |PANY® NO ONE KNOWS. THEREFORE WE WENT TO “AFRICA. Witten by Charles Kalman and Pau Proc At by Bab Camp Letter by Peter rierich = Coloring by Nelson YrtovBESTSELLERS dus/reelorl [ON THE SIXTH DAY OF OUR EXPEDITION WE HEARD TELL OF AHERMETIG] IMADMAN RUNNING A FORTUNE 500 CORPORATION IN THE JUNGLES JOUTSIDE OF BLITTA, IN TOGO. Pp: 'SO-OFF WE WENT! Tr (OF, WATERMAN. HAVE 4 RIDDLE Ft You, (OH, KNOW THAT ONE, PETERS. IT 18 OHIO, NO, WATERMAN JR, YOU ARE WRONG.IT 1S AFRICA, ’AND HERE TT COMES NOW! “AAAIIIIEEEE! ‘DOYOU HEAR, WATERMAN, JRTHESE. NATIVES HAVE BEEN ‘TOUCHED BY A GENIUS WITH BIAS FOR WERE "INKA-DINKA-DOO! INKA-DINKA-D00" GENERAL ‘THE MAD GENUS WHOSE STRANGE AND UNHOLY BUS— INESS STRATEGES WERE LEGEND FROM ONE END OF AFRICA [TO THE 51G TREE ON EDDIE M'GBUMBO'S LAWN | ED TO AFACTORY WHERE WE FINALLY MET NOT THE BUT THE ONE BY THE FRONT PORCH. HELLO, BOYS. WATCH ME WHILE T FILL. MOTORS! IT UP WITH WATER TO SEE IF BUT WHAT OF THE WORKERS, GENERAL? ‘THEY'LL BROWN LIE RATS!IN SEARCH OF EXCELLENCE NO TIME TO GET THEM QUT! NOW T CANDO NOTHING BUT-ACT. IT 1S, AS YOU HAVE PROBABLY AL~ 7 FO AGT NC READY @ueceeh THe EXACT OPPO TE OF TE CONGR EE RECENT JGOT TO ACT NOW! CAN'T WAIT! [SUDDENLY, A NATIVE MESSENGER ARRIVED AND ANNOUNCED... BWANA, INKA=DINKA™000! INiA-DINKA-DOO! BANA, a= DINKA-DOOr INCA” ‘DINKAA- D000! ISTOSH, PUT THE HOODOO ON ME LAST FALL, JUST BECAUSE T BUILT MY NEW BARBECUE ARE RESTLESS. AliIITE EEE E! GENERAL MOTORS! TION HAS ABRUPTLY CEASED. THE NATIVES WHO HAVEN'T DROWNED JANO THEN HAVE A SECRETARY TYPE IT UP BEFORE DE- ICIOING WHAT SHOULD BE DONE ABOUT THIS PROB— ILEM.BUT NOT ME, BOY!1'M GENERAL MOTORS, YOU L KNOW ME.TM THE GUY WHO PUTS THREE SUGARS, IN HS COFFEE. —— = MAD GENERAL MOTORS STRATEGIES WERE TOO RADICAL FOR US, SO WE SILENTLY STOLE AWAY IN SEARCH OF SOME FRESH EXCELLENCE, SINCE THE LAST BATCH HAD APPARENTLY GONE SOUR. THE HORROR, THE HORROR! T FORGOT THE GLOVE COMPARTMENTS. NOW Z MUST START OVER AGAIN, OR SURELY ALL OUR CUSTOMERS’ UNREIS~ TERED FIREARMS WILL FALL INTO THE TRANS — MISSION FLUD.BESTSELLERS Mislraled EXHAUSTED AFTER DAYS OF SEARCHING FOR AN EXCELLENT. CORPORATION IN THE SAVAGE, UNTAMED JUNGLE WILDERNESS, 7000 NIGHT, MRS. CALLAN \WE STOPPED AT_THE LOCAL BEEFSTEAK CHARLIE'S FOR A BASH, WHEREVER YOU ARE. )UPLE OF BEERS. HELLO, FREDDIE? CHET HERE, DOWN. = ‘GOOD NGHT, MRS. ‘AY THE BEEFSTEAK HARLIES, NEAR THE" TWO HEINEKENS, 2 CALLABASH, WHERE- J“ GRAZING HERD OF WILDEBEESTS, ACROSS: PLEASE, EVER YOU ARE® J FROM RADO SHAGK GOT TWO LVE ONES. RIGHT. TLL ‘TRY TO STALL THEM UNTILYOU GET HERE. BYE. TM FREDDIE HEINEKEN, HOW IJ [LETME EXPLAINIT BELIEVE THERE IS — JJ SO WHAT DO YOU THINK, ARE, THE BEERS? JOtLy ONE ESSENTIAL KEY TO EXCELLENCE] BOYS>Is THERE TOO MICH VBUSINESS, AND THAT Is Sk nesbeis TENE NOT Yavin CLOSE To THE CUSTOMER! ENGUGH Goby De Haris THE = MEANING OF TASS Ee . \, eS ie N FOO MUCH BARLEY,OR NOT ENOUGTETS —] [MIT TAT YOU SRTDSOME IGREEN A GOOD COLOR FOR A BOTTLE? HOW | ONE'S BUYING A CASE OF HEIN— [BOUTTHOSE HOPS? ISTHE LABEL STRAIGHT? | |EKENSAT THE 7-ELEVEN.NEAR] LET ME SEE IT YES T'S FINE! UH~ OH, THE ELEPHANT GRAVEYARD? THERE'S Mi BEEPER! WHERE'S THE PHONE, ASSO CONE On, BOVSITLL GIVE ‘YOUA FIRSTHAND DEMON— STRATION OF HOW I OPER- ‘ATE IN THE FIELD.HALIM FREDDIE HEINEKEN, MIND F TTAG ALONG? WHAT, AGAIN WE | ‘TOLD YOU~WE LOVE. | ‘YOUR GODDAMN BEER. 'SO WE WENDED OUR WAY BY STATION WAGON FROM CAMER: OON TO THE COAST, AND THEN BY FERRY TO THE ISLAND (OF FERNANDO POO. ‘yumm ‘we SPENT THE NEXT E'GHTEEN MONTHS: MAKING OUR WAY FROM UNDERWEAR NOT ONLY EXCELLENCE, BUT THEY PUT |STARCH IN OUR UNDERWEAR, IN SEARCH OF EXCELLENCE HIT FREDDIE LOOK! THERE ARE HEINEKEN HOW ARE THE. |] THOSE TWO FAGS BEERS? HILDM OSCAR. MAYER. HOW ARE THE DOGS?) WHO WANT TO. STAY CLOSE TOUS! We've WARNED YOU NANGIES EVERY WEEKEND TO KEEP| YOUR DISTANCE NOW YOURE, ‘GONNA PAY! “THE THEORY WAS SOUND, (QUS, SO We BEATA HASTY RETREAT AND SWAM ANAY FROM FERNANDO POO, NEVER TO RETURN.TATA FIASCO! THEN GAME SAM WALTON OF THE WAL-MART CHAIN INEAST NAIROBLWHOSE EMPLOYEES ICALLED HIM MR.SAM OR GOT FIRED HE BELIEVED IN. ‘PRODUCTIVITY THROUGH PEOPLE HE STARTED BY CARING | ABOUT HIS WORKERS, REFERRING TO THEM AS ASSOGATES, NOT EMPLOYEES; LISTENING TO WHAT THEY HAD TO SA IULTIMATELY THINKING OF THEM AS AN EXTENDED FAMILY. CREE TEDING AND CLOTHING THEM, AND, ISITS TO THE ORTHODONTIST. BUT JTHIS SCHEME WENT OUT OF CONTROL THE TIME IT TOOK ITO RAISE 4000 UBANGIS, PLAYING CATCH WITH THEM, TAKING THEM TO THE 200, ENDING THEM THE CAR ON ‘SATURDAY NIGHTS WHEN THEY HAD AHOT DATE WITH ‘THE GL UBANGINEXT DOOR ALL THISLEF TNO TIME, FOR WAL-MART. THE STORES WENT STAFFLESS, THE. OFFICES WENT EXECUTIVELESS, AND MR.SAM WENT. BANKRUPT AND WAS LEFT WITH 4/000 PLATE=LIPPED MOUTHS TO FEED!" = UT WE NEVER WERE ABLE TOLEARN, SO WE WENT-ON WITH QUR CRACKPOT EXPEDITION. BY !DUMB LUCK WE STUVBLED UPON THE TOP- SEGRE’ ‘BURGER KING TRAINING CENTER. HERE THE POTEN- TIAL BURGER SUBJECTS WERE INSTILLED BY THE. BURGER MEISTER WITH ENTHUSIASM AND FANATI— ISMWE SOON LEARNED THAT SHAVE iT YOUR War* WAS ATHING OF THE PAST NOW IT WAS "HAVE IT THE BURGER'S WAY OR BE SACRIFICED TO IT WAT COULD THE NATIVES 00> THEY HAD BECOME. [ONE PURPOSE ON EARTH WAS TO SERVE THE BURGER. ITIS MYONLY. PLEASURE TO SERVE B THEE. GREAT ONE HUNDRED PERCENT BEEF ONE D EXXON, A FANATIC OF THE FIRST ORDER, BELIEVED THAT TO STICK TO THE KNITTING WAS TO STICK TO. ‘THE BUMPER OF SJCCESS, AND THAT MEANT PUMPING, GAS INTO CARS, REMOVING THE PUMP F ROM THE CAR, COLLECTING THE MONEY, ANDNOTHING ELSE. CHECK” ING THE OIL WAS OUT, ALSO WIPING WINDSHIELDS AND. GVING DIRECTIONS TO MOTORISTS WHO COULDN'T FIND THE HIGHWAY PUMP GAS, JUST PUMP GAS, THAT'S ALL-HE WAS FURIOUS WHEN HE HEARD THAT EUROPEANS EXPECTED SOMETHING ELSE, a SN {i A TWAS SET TO OPEN UP 5,000 EXXON GAS STATIONS IN EUROPE, BUT NOW I HEAR THAT GOOQ OLD AMERICAN ‘GASOLINE ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOULIMEYS AND WHAT HAVE YOU.THEY WANT ME TO PUMP SOMETHING CALLED "PETROL." DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT IS, BUT TM AN AMERICAN AND T WON'T PUMP IT. ESPECIALLY SINCE THEY DON'T WANT TO GIVE ME MONEY FOR IT, BUT SOME THING CALLED "POUNDS." VIVA-AMERICA! THE §7 HEINZ BROTHERS WANTED TO RUN THEI COMPANY USING THE PRINCIPLE OF SIMPLE! CEAN STAPF, WITH FeW PEOPLE AT THE UFIN SEARCH OF EXCELLENCE SF a eS ee eX E* BELGIAN CONGO, WE DISCOVERED ) WALT DISNEY RUNNING HIS EMPIRE BOTHLOOSE AND TIGHT SIMULTANEDUSL) ‘REMARKABLE FEAT FOR ADEAD MAN, AND @ FROZEN ONE AT THAT. ON THE ONE. IHAND HE WAS INFORMAL ,AND ON THE OTHER HAND HE WAS IRIGID, AND ON YET ANOTHER HAND HE WAS ONLY SLIGHTLY FORMAL. BUT STILL FRIENOLY, AND ON THE FOURTH HAND HE WAS A. NAZ|.OF COURSE He’ WENT HOPELESSLY INSANE, HAVE. A DRINK DISILLUSIONED AND DEFEATED, WE WANDERED IN ‘A-COUPLE OF DAZES UNTIL WE CAME TO MPWAPWA, TANGANYIKA. HERE WE STUMBLED UPON'A SECRET VO0B00 SEMINAR CONDUCTED BY THE GHOST OF NIELS BOAR FOR A PRIMITIVE TRIBE OF YOUNG NA—| TIVE BUSINESS SCHOOL STUDENTS. WE WATCHED TPE PROCEEOINGS FROM BEHIND THe BUSHY HEAD OF BUS: a RELAX.DON'T WORRY ‘ABOUT BENGLATE bl FOR WORK THIS. ( ny NORMING OU caace fe eccrine jee, eestor PB SG He ess 1 09 ARR cote ME ANOHANDED ME AN ATOM AND oe Ea BRR TS ue ALBERT EINSTEIN. AND HE WAS emma INOTICE THAT THE ONLY ESSENTIAL, ICOMPONENT {SPROMOTION. YOU, IBON'T REALLY HAVE TO BE ExCeL 4 LENT. FOR INSTANCE, 1 IMAGINE ‘SOME OF YOUR FORTUNE 5005. |WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO ‘SHELL OUT BIG BUCKERDOS TO A @)) COLE OF ENTERPRISING YOUNG. j] FELLOWS IF THEY WERE T0,OH, SAY, "| WRITE A BOOK PURPORTING TOBE ‘A PACTUAL ANALYSIS OF SAID COM- PANIES. BUT WHICH IS IN REALITY NOTHING MORE THAN A THINLY OIS-| ZAGUISED 360-PAGE COMMERCIAL... WAITING? HOW DID You? USE YOUR NOODLE, PETERS. GHOSTS CAN KNOW ANYTHING THEY WANT TO KNOWAND, UNLIKE US, THEY ‘CAN WALK THROUGH WALLS. ES, VERY BIG BUCKS INDEED, [UH —WE GOTTA GO. NOW, GHOST OF MR BOHR. THANKS FOR THE MILLION- DOLLAR IDEAER —WE MEAN LESSON. YEAH WE GOT BUSNESSES| ‘TO TAKE OF BiG BUSNESS-| ES. HEH—HEH GOODBYE, MR. GHOST. ‘ANDI WOULD NEVER SEE A PENNY OF ALL THE MILLIONS THEY WOULD MAKE. AND GAVE THEM THE IDEA! ANDON ‘TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE, THEY LEFT ME STUCK HERE, TO FINISH THEIR STINKY LITTLE COMIC BOOK.ANDON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE, I'M DEAD. AH,ME. AH, LIFE, AH AFRIC ‘aH, EXCELLENCE, =THE: END: