Dungeons & Lesbians

Episode 8: Royal Rumble

Dungeon Master and NPCs: MJ (they/them)
Railen: Audrey (she/her)
Meryl: Roy (she/her)
Nephros: Fallon (they/them)
Fishgirl: Bec (she/her)
TRANSCRIPT

[intro music]

MJ: Hey guys, it’s your DM MJ! Sorry about the late episode this week, we
were once again battling Steve Jobs’s ghost, albeit on a slightly more
material plane.

MJ: Good news first, if I remember correctly this is the last episode of actual
play where Roy and Fallon’s audio is uhhhh like that. Bad news, I haven’t
had a chance to do the transcript yet. Uh, I’ve never kept count of how long
transcribing by myself takes, but I want to knock it out tomorrow and roll it
out Friday if possible. That might be entirely unrealistic, but… I would like to,
for what it’s worth.

MJ: Also a heads up, the next episode will be our Q&A, Dungeons and
Lesbians and Questions and Answers. It’s been over a month since we
recorded it, so it’ll be a surprise to all of us, what we had to say back then.

MJ: As always, huge thanks to friend of the show Colin, who does the initial
round of editing for us here at DNL. He co-hosts the podcast Creature
Culture which is about fantasy races and monsters, and is well-worth
checking out in my opinion.

MJ: Dungeons & Lesbians can be reached via our tumblr,

dungeonsandlesbians.tumblr.com, our twitter @dnlpodcast, or on any social
media platform via the hashtag #dnlcast. Music for the show is made by me,
our theme song is “Thanks for the Misery” by Reggie and the Full Effect.
Thanks!

[intro music]

Audrey:
Railen: Hello father. You’ve been so quiet lately that I thought you
may have actually finally left me alone. But then I had that same
dream about your stupid daggers last night, so you’re probably still
hanging around. I’ve got the White Sand, though, so one step closer to
getting rid of you for good, I guess.
 Railen: I don’t get why you’re being so quiet. Is it because now you’re
not the only voice in someone’s head around here? Meryl’s little
brother contacted him through some mind-talk and needs some help,
so we’re doing a runaround to give him a hand. Oh! Meryl has a little
brother, by the way. That’s a thing. I just learned that!

Railen: I learned a lot about all of them on the way to Arthur, actually
- Arthur is Meryl’s brother. Meryl got kicked out of his home for
breaking stuff. All of Fishgirl’s gods are dead, which sounds like it
sucks? But she’s really cool. She put holes in my ears and then put
metal in the holes, and - okay, now that I’m saying it out loud it
sounds weird, but I look awesome.

Railen: Nephros… isn’t as weak as I thought he was. Still, you take

down one mad scientist and suddenly you think you’re some kinda
tough guy. He tried to step to me. I put him in his place. I even used
one of the moves Mama said you used in the colisseum. I thought you
would’ve said something about that. I thought… I don’t know. I know
I’m strong when it comes to fighting, but Mama always told me that
you weren’t just a good warrior, but a good person. I’m not sure I
know how to be one of those. I’m worried that you’re disappointed in
me… I care more about that than I should.

Railen: Anyway, Arthur needs us to fight and make music for the tour
he’s working on. I don’t really know what a tour is? To be honest? But
I can do that much. Maybe I’ll even run into those assholes who
trapped us in a net on the road up again, and can teach them a lesson.
Let me know if you hear anything about them, okay? If you’re gonna
haunt me, at least make yourself useful. Thanks.

[instrumental transition]

MJ: Here - okay - here, how ‘bout this, how ‘bout this. ‘Cause I had sort of a
like, conversation-y scene that I wanted to do with you guys -

Fallon: [crosstalk] Please.

MJ: - which can be, uh, like related to this, and maybe you can - if there’s
stuff you wanted to get to, um, you can get to it in this, um…

Fallon: Sure.

MJ: So you guys, right now, are about to embark on this tour where you will
all perform. I think this is sort of a good opportunity to name your band.

Roy: Oh my god.

Bec: Oh… my god, this is a lot of pressure right off the gate, man.

Roy: [background] It is!

MJ: Hey, right off the gate, it’s been fuckin’ forty-five minutes.

Fallon: Technically right off the gate.

Roy: I mean… Like… I guess, I guess let’s like get into character for this,
‘cause, y’know, that’s gonna be… Helpful, I think. IMHO.

MJ: Oh, yeah.

Roy: Uhh… I mean Meryl… Didn’t go by Meryl when he was performing

before. Um, so he would probably… Gather everybody, I guess, and try to
offer, uh, his [unintelligible] but his experience, really,
Meryl: I mean, y’know, we don’t have to go by - I mean, we gotta
have, like, something we can call us as a group? Um… I don’t know
where to start, I always pick like - Fishgirl, you look like you have
something to say?

Bec:
Fishgirl: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, uh, how ‘bout Not Disney? Because they
can’t get us in trouble for - because we’re not Disney, like, that’s the
title, but it’ll kinda be an eye grab, y’know?

Roy:
Meryl: Who the hell is Disney?
MJ: Meryl, that’s not saying “Yes and…”

Bec: Good improv, buddy!

Roy: [unintelligible blustering]

Meryl: I’m - y’know -

Bec:
Fishgirl: How ‘bout “Hot Pussy.”

Roy:
Meryl: Better, better.

Audrey:
Railen: Wh - why is the cat hot…

Roy:
Meryl: [strained] Good question!

All: [laughing]

Roy: Hot bussy.

Audrey:
Railen: I - here’s the thing, I’m not a hot cat, so why would I call
myself a hot cat, I don’t…

Bec:
Fishgirl: Well you don’t become the things that you name your band
after. The fantasy Kooks probably aren’t kooks. That’s the first one I
could think of.

MJ: [crosstalk] Actually the fantasy Kooks are kooks, I would like to point
out. “Ooh La” is a very different song.

Bec: Alright.
MJ: No, name your band. Talk more about things, I’ll shut up.

Bec:
Fishgirl: How ‘bout Chaos Theory?

Fallon: [crosstalk] Are we still in the desert?

MJ: No, you’re in like the -

Fallon: Damn it, okay.

Bec: Fuckheads.

Audrey:
Railen: Wait, I have an idea. What about… Railen and Meryl and
Fishgirl and Nephros.

Roy:
Meryl: That’s terrible. I’m sorry, but that’s - yeah.

Bec:
Fishgirl: Why’s that terrible, it’s pretty self-explanatory.

Audrey:
Railen: Right! That’s like -

Bec:
Fishgirl: Who’s in the band.

Audrey:
Railen: Right! That’s my name, though, and we’re naming something -

Fallon:
Nephros: But it’s not catchy.

Roy:
 Meryl: Yeah that’s the thing, it’s really like… It doesn’t, like, I mean…
It gets the point across, I guess, but it also… Sounds bad. Like you
want something that sounds good -

Bec:
Fishgirl: How ‘bout The Beatles? The Bee-tulls.

Roy:
Meryl: That’s the worst name for a band I’ve ever heard. I’m sorry,
like, but it’s not good.

Fallon:
Nephros: Yeah, what’s a bee got to do with our kinda situation here.

Roy:
Meryl: Yeah, that’s the thing.

Fallon:
Nephros: Terrible. Terrible.

Bec:
Fishgirl: Beetles are a thing -

MJ: There are beetles in this world, like, the bug.

Fallon: But the way she said it, though!

Bec: Actually can there not be?

Fallon: Bee-tulls! Who? Whoms’t?

Bec: She was enunciating! To make it easier for the people to understand!

Fallon: Bee-tulls. Are those bees in tutus? That’d be great, actually.

Bec: That’s adorable.

Roy:
Meryl: Nephros do you - do you have any ideas?

Bec: Okay, no. No! Everyone shut up - out of character, think of band
names. Go! I can’t come up with anything!

Roy: It took me six months to come up with Meryl’s stage name, I can’t
come up with something in five minutes!

Audrey: Wait, sorry… Railen looks at Nephros and goes,

Railen: What about the Three Hits?

Fallon:
Nephros: No, no, no - Meryl and the Three Hits. ‘Cause I was gonna say my
name but ohhh, let’s not do that.

Audrey:
Railen: [background] Okay, that sounds good?

Roy:
Meryl: I mean, the thing about that is like, hmm - uh - I’m not expecting,
like - I’m not expecting a whole lot out of this, how much do you guys know
about like music journalists? I feel like we’d be opening ourselves up to a lot
of… jokes?

MJ: Don’t at me, I don’t think I’m gonna put in Fantasy Robert Christgau.

Roy: I think you should, and I think he should be the final boss, and I think
we should kill him… bodily.

MJ: I mean… I don’t know, you guys can pick that name if you want, I’m
just… Here to facilitate this - y’know, be the conduit to this fantasy world
into which I’ve invited you.

Bec:
Fishgirl: Does it even - guys. Guys, does it even matter?

MJ: It fuckin’ doesn’t. It can be something so stupid.

Bec:
Fishgirl: Guys. Guys.

Audrey:
Railen: I don’t even know what we’re talking about honestly.

Fallon:
Nephros: Band names.

Roy:
Meryl: I had an idea?

[expectant silence]

All: [at once, variations of “what is it”]

Fallon:
Nephros: Is it better than Meryl and the Three Hits? ‘Cause now that I’m
thinkin’ about that… Not too good.

Roy:
Meryl: Yeah, I mean, there’s - there’s probably a lotta names out there
that’re better than that, it’s a very bad name. What about… What about
Zone of Truth or Dare?

Bec: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh okay.

Fishgirl: Listen dude, I have an entire fuckin’ list of spells on my goddamn
sheet that I haven’t used in like three episodes. Zone of Truth or Dare, that’s
great, can I please kill somebody.

MJ: Okay, so, you’re gonna be called Zone of Truth or Dare, is that where
you guys are landing?

Fallon: I do like that.

MJ: That’s fine with me, it’s your guys’ band!

Bec: RIP Chaos Theory.

MJ: Don’t worry, I’ll resurrect that for my band I’m starting in Chicago.

Fallon: Oh, god.

MJ: So, you’re gonna spend the night here in Citrine and set out in the
morning, and unless, uhh… Like, if you are compelled to seek out, um, like
either Arthur or, y’know, the band or anybody else involved on the tour
while you’re in this town, you can do that tonight, but you can also do that
while you’re on the road tomorrow, which like. Y’know, is up to you.

Roy: I would kinda like to seek out the other band guys.

MJ: Now?

Roy: Yeah!

MJ: Okay, let’s do it!

Roy: The ones we’re touring with, yeah.

MJ: Cool! Um -

Audrey: Can I - sorry - before we go into the scene can I say that
afterwards I would like to seek out Arthur.

MJ: Okay! Cool. So are you - are you all gonna go meet the band, or is it
just Meryl?

Fallon: We should probably all go and see what it’s about.

Bec: Hell yeah.

Audrey: If everyone else is going, Railen will go.

Bec: Fishgirl just wants to get a tambourine in her hands as soon as

possible.
MJ: We’ll set you up with that right quick. Um, so - okay, so they’re staying
at the inn which is like, above the tavern that you’re at right now. You like,
go up the stairs, they have like - they’re like just starting out so it’s not like
great furnishings but it’s like… A room. It has a couple of shitty twin beds in
it, and… They’re hanging out! They are two dudes, one of them is a
changeling, and right now he’s sort of like in the guise of a handsome beardy
boy, and the other one is an orcish man who has, uh, glasses. And there you
go, there they are.

Fallon: Nice.

Roy:
Meryl: Uh, hi guys, how’s it goin’.

MJ: Uh - oh, fuck, I need to do voices -

Fallon: [laughing] Forgot about that, did you?

MJ: Yeah, I always do. Uhhhh okay.

Courtney: Hi! Hi, who are you?

Roy:
Meryl: Um, my name’s Meryl, I don’t know if Arthur introduced - or, if you
know what’s going on -

MJ:
Courtney: Oh, you guys are the band! You’ve uh, you must be Arthur’s
brother! We love him!

Roy:
Meryl: Oh good, I do too! He’s good - he’s a good kid, I try… Y’know, he’s
good, he -
Roy: Is he in the room right now?

MJ: He’s like, organizing with the, there’s like one roadie and he -

Roy: That’s a shame.

MJ: He’s squaring stuff away to get going tomorrow.

Roy: Yeah.
Meryl: Yeah no I’m, we’re here to - we’re here to go on tour with you guys
and everything, I mean I hope - I know, I know that’s like, a big pain in the
ass? Like I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy? It’s bullshit, but like.
We’re gonna do like, the best we can, I guess. I haven’t toured in a while
but uh, let me know if there’s anything you need.

MJ:
Courtney: What uh, what kinda music do you guys play?

Roy:
Meryl: Oh shit.

Bec:
Fishgirl: The kind with, uh, notes.

MJ:
Courtney: I like your style!

Bec:
Fishgirl: Thanks, man. Hey, do you have a tambourine?

MJ: He reaches under his bed to like his suitcase, down - this is the orc guy
- um, he reaches down into his suitcase and he like, digs out a sorta shitty
crescent-shaped tambourine, and he’s like,
Courtney: It’s the Crescent Tour, get it? We have tons of these - they’re
supposed to be merch, but this one’s yours on the house.

Bec: She kinda takes it and flips it over and she’s like,
Fishgirl: So does it make like half the music?

MJ: He like, looks at you sincerely in the eyes and he says,

Courtney: In the hands of a capable musician it can make twice the music.

All: [laughing]
MJ: He’s a very sincere man.

Roy:
Meryl: I like this guy’s attitude! That’s the way you do it!

MJ: He’s fuckin posi.

Roy:
Meryl: Hell yeah.

Bec: She nods -

Roy:
Meryl: What’s your name?

MJ:
Courtney: Sorry, I’m so rude, my name’s Courtney, and this here is - this
musical genius is my boy Stu.
MJ: And the changeling man says,
Stu: Hey!

All: [making fun of MJ for saying “my boy stu”]

MJ: Is there anything else you need of these guys? Um…

Bec: Uh no, Fishgirl left the second she got the instrument, pretty much.

Roy: I mean Meryl - Meryl’s probably gonna hang back, hang with these
guys as long as he feels welcome and just kinda try to chat music with
them.

MJ: Okay! Um, they are both extremely down to do that. They’re like -
they’re not like, super high energy extroverted dudes, they’re both kind of
sensitive, but they’re like. Down to clown if you just like wanna hang - have
like a soul jam, they’re into that.

Audrey: [background] Sensitive musician hours.

Roy: That’s exactly it.

MJ: Like, legitimately. Um -

Fallon: Sensitive musician hours, that’s what Meryl’s here for.

MJ: And I probably don’t wanna -

Roy: He’s definitely gonna get his shit out - hm?

MJ: Oh no, go for it.

Roy: He’s definitely gonna get his shit out at some point, like, his fantasy
MiniMoog and shit and play some of his stupid vaporwave stuff.

MJ: They will be very, uh, appreciative of that, they’re open-minded lads.
Um - they’re gonna be like,
Courtney: Oh wow, it makes so much sense the way that Arthur grew up the
way he is, like, having music in the household is so good for a kid.

Roy:
Meryl: [nerdy and tearful] I’m so proud of him!

MJ: And uh, and I might like - I don’t necessarily want to play out this whole
conversation, I think I can just sort of like leave it at, you hang with them
for a while before you go to bed?

Roy: Yeah!

MJ: But I do want to get to Railen going to find Arthur… Like that is a thing I
am interested in playing out.

Roy: Definitely.

Audrey: Yes, yes, okay, yes, absolutely.

MJ: So you um, you go look for him, I guess, and you find him, sort of like -
so the way the Crescent Tour works, and you sort of saw this coming in, I
don’t know if you remember this - they were like dismantling a big stage,
and like a set, and so Arthur is out near that, like, fairground where all of
their stuff had been set up, and it’s like, all packed on wagons and he’s, like,
making a tally of things, uh, the way that a good manager would. And you
locate him out there.

Audrey:
Railen: Uh… Hey? Hey.

MJ:
Arthur: Oh! Hi. Railen, right?

Audrey:
Railen: Yeah! Yeah, um, actually you’re the first person to have gotten my
name right, so that’s… Really cool.

MJ:
Arthur: Well that’s what they teach me at book-learnin’ school.

Audrey:
Railen: Oh man, that sounds like… hard? Is that hard?

MJ: He does the like ehhhh gesture.

Audrey:
Railen: I just… wanted… Are you - are you okay? Like, are you good?

MJ: He, like, looks at you and does not know what you want from him or
what you’re talking about, and he’s like,
Arthur: Ye - yeah…?

Audrey:
Railen: Are you - do you have somewhere that is like - where you won’t,
maybe, get stabbed? Not saying you’re gonna get stabbed, I’m just like…
Okay, so like, there’s… Hmm -