The Power of the Other: The Startling Effects

Other People Have on You, from the Boardroom to

the Bedroom and Beyond – and What to Do About
It

Dr. Henry Cloud

The Power of the Other (2016) shows you how the relationships in your life profoundly affect how
you think, act and feel. These blinks examine why certain relationships harm us while others nurture
us. Importantly, you’ll learn how to cultivate real connections that fulfill you and help you grow as a
person.
 Frequently Asked Questions
Who should read these blinks?

Leaders and managers looking to connect with work teams

Students of psychology or business
Anyone wanting to improve their personal relationships

Who wrote the book?

Dr. Henry Cloud is a psychologist, expert on leadership and bestselling author. Success
magazine in 2014 named Dr. Cloud as one of the 25 most influential leaders in the area of personal
growth and development.
What’s in it for me? Learn to harness the power of
positive relationships.
Bad relationships come in many flavors. You may be bullied by a classmate. Or find that you’re
always cleaning up the emotional messes of a friend. Or perhaps you fear the day you’ll let down a
loved parent who thinks the world of you.
All of these relationships have one thing in common: they are unhealthy and keep you from being
the happy, fulfilled person you can and should be.
Fortunately, there are many healthy, beneficial relationships in the world. Sometimes, with the
correct tools, we can improve the troubled ties with which we bind ourselves.
These blinks will help you identify the different types of relationships you’re in and show how
each affects how you live your life.
In these blinks, you’ll discover

why President Reagan told his security advisor about squirrels in the Rose Garden;
how a relationship might feel great but really be toxic; and
how a “corner four relationship” is the positive bond you need.
 Your well-being depends on your brain, your
relationships and your mind.
No bodybuilder strengthens just one or two muscles, but trains to improve his entire body.
Cultivating happiness works the same way. If you want to live a happier life, you have to work
on yourself as a whole. This means taking care of your mental health, which means taking care of your
brain.
The brain functions through a combination of electrical charges, hormones and neurotransmitters.
If something upsets the balance of these elements, you won’t feel well. For example, if your brain
doesn't secrete a sufficient amount of the chemical serotonin, you'll struggle to focus and potentially
feel depressed.
Your success and well-being also depend on your relationships.
Each and every person needs close, supportive relationships to thrive. Strong relationships help
us cope with stress, overcome setbacks in our lives and even heal pain.
Unhealthy relationships, on the other hand, add stress. They can hamper your ability to deal with
tough situations at work, for example. Imagine returning home from a rough day at the office. If you
turn to a partner to vent but your partner just makes fun of you, you'll feel even worse.
In addition to taking care of your brain and your relationships, you also have to tend to your
mind.
Your mind isn't the same thing as your brain, however. Your brain is like a piece of hardware,
where your mind is the software that runs it. Your mind is essentially the mental process that works to
decode incoming information, and importantly, determines how you react to this information.
Understanding what's happening in your mind is a key element of living well. When you
understand your mind, you can stay in control of your thoughts and better manage your emotions.
All three components – your brain, mind and relationships – are crucial in leading a happy life.
Now we’re going to go deeper and focus on just one of these elements: your relationships.
 Avoid these harmful relationships: those with no
connection, a bad connection or a fake connection.
Every relationship falls into one of four categories or connection corners. Let's start with the
three kinds of relationships you should avoid.
The first kind is a corner one relationship, in which you can’t claim a real connection with the
other person. You don't exchange any meaningful information or positive energy with the person, so
you don't get anything substantial out of the relationship.
Imagine a manager who feels lonely even though she's surrounded by coworkers, day in and day
out. Her teammates don't share important news, and she doesn't involve her team in decision making.
This complete lack of connection is why this example is a corner one relationship.
Romantic partners might maintain a corner one relationship if they don't empathize with or
support each other. If you feel that your partner doesn't listen to you, for example, or is lacking in
empathy, you probably have a poor connection with that partner – a classic corner one relationship.
The second kind is a corner two relationship, in which a relationship is harmful.
It’s difficult to live alone, so people who struggle to connect with others often end up “settling”
for a romantic partner, even if at the core the person is a poor match.
Bad connections, however, aren't always abusive. Perhaps you don't feel well whenever you
spend time with a particular person, or maybe a person makes you feel inferior or self-conscious.
These are harmful relationships.
The third kind is a corner three relationship, and often doesn’t appear damaging on the surface.
Yet corner three relationships are bad because they're fake.
While an unconnected or harmful relationship might make you feel bad about yourself, a fake
relationship can make you feel good, at least temporarily. Yet corner three relationships are often
based on harmful connections, such as a shared addiction, an illicit affair or an ego-based partnership
based on false praise.
The problem is, you can easily get hooked on a fake relationship. Passion, admiration or
intoxication might feel good in the moment, but they always leave you wanting more.
What’s a corner four relationship? The next blink explains.
 In sincere relationships, people thrive as they can
be their true selves and openly admit weaknesses.
Do you have close friends or relatives with whom you can fully be yourself? People with whom
you don't have to fear letting your guard down?
When you're with people like this, you show your true self – not the false self you often present
to the world.
Your false self is like a mask you wear for protection. It makes you feel stronger, smarter or
more confident than you are. We use our false selves to earn respect and guard against people who
might ridicule or attack us.
Leaders, in particular, tend to hide their true selves because they're always in the spotlight.
People admire leaders and place their faith in them, so leaders often feel they can never show
weakness.
Former President Bill Clinton, for instance, once told former British Prime Minister Tony Blair
about the importance of putting on a “face,” or pretending to be strong and optimistic no matter what.
In a corner four relationship – a real connection – you don't have to pretend.
You feel safe sharing everything you think and feel within your relationship. You and your
partner understand and care deeply for each other. Your partner won't take advantage of you if you
show weakness.
Part of the reason leaders are successful is that they are often people who have overcome
challenges and sought advice from mentors.
Virgin Group founder Richard Branson nearly gave up his dream to found an airline because he
was inexperienced and didn't have enough capital to compete with giants like British Airways.
Instead of quitting, however, he reached out to airline veteran Freddie Laker and admitted that he
needed help.
With Laker's help, Branson became a major player in the airline industry. Sometimes confiding
in a trustworthy person about a weakness is the most powerful thing you can do.
 Meaningful, connected relationships energize us
and help us thrive in everything we do.
Have you ever walked into a party, class or meeting and immediately felt good? Sometimes a
space exudes positive energy, even if you can't put your finger on the reason why.
This feel-good energy is generated from corner four relationships.
Real connections give you many kinds of energy. You might feel joy and excitement, and be
extra-motivated, when you’re part of a positive team or on a good date – exactly the energy you feel
when you first enter that room – but there's something else, too: intellectual stimulation.
Intellectual stimulation comes in many forms. Maybe you and your friends like to speculate about
the origins of the universe, learn new skills together or explore new places.
The author discovered the importance of intellectual stimulation when he became depressed
after a golf injury. He recovered thanks to two loving people: a fraternity brother and the fraternity
brother’s sister.
They fueled his intellect by giving him books, improving his diet, increasing his physical energy
and offering emotional, loving care. It is these real, energized connections that we need to succeed.
Think back to that room filled with positive energy. In any successful organization, there are
many such rooms. Great leaders take care of employees by encouraging and challenging them to be
their best.
Positive communities are also helpful when you’re facing a personal challenge, such as
overcoming an addiction.
Alcoholics Anonymous and Weight Watchers are successful because these organizations provide
people with a space to meet, connect and cheer each other along the road to success.
 A person with whom you're well-connected will
offer you freedom and valuable feedback.
A person who respects you won't necessarily solve your problems for you. In fact, the opposite
is usually true.
Let's look at the reasons why.
A corner four relationship offers you freedom, but it comes with responsibility, too. When
people are healthy and well-connected, they respect each other's autonomy and intelligence. They
don't fight for control; both partners are free to make both positive choices and mistakes.
And when a person respects your autonomy, that person doesn’t barge in to solve problems for
you. They trust you to handle the problems yourself, which means you need to step up and do so!
Former US National Security Advisor Colin Powell once was briefing then President Ronald
Reagan on global hotspots, looking for advice from the president. While Powell talked on, Reagan
suddenly said, “Hey look, they're eating them!”
The fact was that Reagan wasn't paying attention to Powell at all. He was instead watching
squirrels eating nuts in the Rose Garden.
His interruption sent a clear message to Powell, however. It was as if he said, “It's your
problem, and I trust you to solve it on your own.”
Powell had freedom in his relationship with Reagan, which meant he also had a lot of
responsibility.
A person with whom you share a real connection might not solve your problems, but they'll give
you valuable feedback. These people want to see you do well, so they'll give you extra attention.
If you're a writer, a friend might read your new manuscript closely. That friend then will offer
specific feedback – detailed enough for you to act on so that you can improve your work.
The feedback that helps you solve problems yourself is always more valuable in the long run.
Corner four relationships help you to accept failure
and bounce back from it.
Pixar is one of the best animation studios in the world. Their greatest films, like Up and WALL-
E, became instant classics when they were released. So it might surprise you to learn that when Pixar
starts a new project, the first work they produce is usually terrible!
It's natural to fail and start out less than perfectly. Even the greatest projects often have a bumpy
start, and setbacks are simply part of the process. When you begin a project, there's usually some
distance between where you are and where you want to be. It’s totally normal to make mistakes when
learning a new skill, like playing piano or investing in the stock market.
That's where healthy relationships play a particularly important role. They help you overcome
challenges and failures. You can only admit to a problem or failure if you feel safe, that is, if you have
a real connection.
The more you admit to failure, the more you get used to it and accept failure as a regular part of
the learning process. The author, for instance, once felt like a failure when he made a bad decision,
but he confided in his mentor who told him, “We've all been there.” When he realized that even his
mentor had been through struggles like his, he started to realize it was okay to fail.
Likewise, the employees at Pixar also feel safe to discuss their mistakes. They've learned to
view setbacks as problems the team can address and overcome together. Environments like that at
Pixar foster corner four relationships that allow us to accept failure instead of perceiving it as a
threat.
 One person’s values and beliefs in a strong
relationship can shape another person’s behavior.
When you're in a close relationship, you can gain insight that might reshape the way you think
and behave through a process called internalization.
In short, you internalize the things that your friend or partner tells or teaches you.
Think of a child whose mother tells her not to touch a hot stove. After the child has heard this
warning enough times, she'll internalize it. Next time she sees a hot stove, she can warn herself, and
won’t need her mother to remind her.
This is why real connections are so powerful. When you share a strong connection with a
person, that individual can profoundly impact the rest of your life, even after that person moves away
or passes on.
The insights such relationships transmit live on as memories and thought patterns that can shape
your behavior. What’s more, you can use internalization to affect other people's behavior!
Imagine you're a leader planning to retire in a year, and you're afraid your company might fall
apart without you. How can you ensure your employees keep everything running smoothly?
You can help your teammates by sharing your values and knowledge with them, so these lessons
are internalized over time. Eventually, your team will understand how the company works just as well
as you do and adopt your good habits as their own.
You might help employees develop new routines now to continue after you've retired. If you're
particular about responding to customer complaints with a personalized message, for example, get
your successor to start writing similar letters before you leave.
Child rearing works through the same process of internalization. Sure, your teenaged son won't
let you accompany him on a date, but you can teach him how to take precautions with strangers and
new partners before that first date even happens.
 Use five criteria to assess if you can trust a person
in your life.
Why do people invest money in stocks? They expect their investment to pay off over time.
In a similar fashion, we invest time, effort and goodwill into relationships because we expect
them to improve our lives.
So how do you know whether you should trust someone? Let's go over some criteria for
assessing trust.
First, trust someone only if you're sure that person understands what's important to you.
Imagine you’ve hired a hardworking gardener but he misunderstands your instructions and
accidentally poisons your whole garden. If someone doesn't understand what you need, that person
can be destructive – even if he had good intentions from the start!
Second, make sure the person has your best interests at heart. Does the person want the best for
you?
Third, ask yourself if the person is reliable before you turn to him for help. You wouldn't trust an
alcoholic to help you get sober, for instance. If the person hasn’t been able to overcome his addiction,
he’s unlikely to offer positive guidance on helping you overcome your problems.
Fourth, assess the person's character. Character isn't just about honesty or integrity, but also
about specific character traits. Certain traits can be helpful or harmful depending on the situation. You
shouldn't trust a pessimist to help you realize a daring idea, for example.
And fifth, consider the past experiences you've shared with the person. Past experiences tell you
in which kind of situations you can trust the person.
Let’s say you depended on a friend to pick you up at the airport, but he forgot. If he made the
same mistake again at a later date, you probably shouldn't trust him a third time.
Trust is important yet complex, and is one of the key elements of any strong connection – don't
take it lightly.
 Final summary
The key message in this book:
Your health and happiness depend largely on the relationships in your life. So do your best
to avoid non-connections, bad connections and fake connections. Strive to make real
connections that nurture you, help you overcome challenges and improve as a person. Choose
wisely when placing your trust in people. Relationships can change your thoughts and behavior,
so forge them only with people who are right for you.
Actionable advice:
Be specific about what you want from a partner.
The next time you're feeling dissatisfied in a relationship, be specific when telling your partner
what you want. Don't say you want to “connect more.” Say that you'd like to spend more time together
by going on afternoon walks or dinner dates. You can't plan to “connect,” but you can plan a date!
Concrete goals are easier to meet.
Got feedback?
We’d sure love to hear what you think about our content! Just drop an email to
remember@blinkist.com with the title of this book as the subject line and share your thoughts!
Suggested further reading: Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean
Greaves
Emotional Intelligence 2.0 (2009) gives you expert insight into which skills you need to read
others and build better relationships. It breaks down the four aspects of emotional intelligence, or EQ,
and gives advice on what you can do to improve your own skills.
 The Power of the Other: The Startling Effects Other
People Have on You, from the Boardroom to the
Bedroom and Beyond – and What to Do About It

Table of Contents

Frequently Asked Questions

What’s in it for me? Learn to harness the power of positive relationships.
Your well-being depends on your brain, your relationships and your mind.
Avoid these harmful relationships: those with no connection, a bad connection or a fake connection.
In sincere relationships, people thrive as they can be their true selves and openly admit weaknesses.
Meaningful, connected relationships energize us and help us thrive in everything we do.
A person with whom you're well-connected will offer you freedom and valuable feedback.
Corner four relationships help you to accept failure and bounce back from it.
One person’s values and beliefs in a strong relationship can shape another person’s behavior.
Use five criteria to assess if you can trust a person in your life.
Final summary