CHARACTERS SALLY BLAIR PARQUAR OTIS HOOPER ROSALINE RAFFERTY CONSTANTINE ("CONNIE") "pops" -- Proprietor of the Elm Tree Inn MRS, TEN BROCK JIMMIE SPELVIN SASCHA COMMISKI, a violinist RICHARD FARQUARSYNOPSIS OF SCENES ACT _ONE The Elm Tree Alley Inn. ACT TWO Garden of Richard Farquar ACT THREE Scene 1: Butterfly Ballet Scene 2: Dressing Room Scene 3: Church Around The CornerSALLY PROPERTY LIST ACT ONE A number of small restaurant tables and chairs on the scene sufficient to accommodate the number of people you are using. Tablecloths - napkins and glasses on tables - check pads and pencils for waiters. Paper hats for chorus in number Joan of Arc. Tray and plates or small dishes for Connie, Engagement book for Connie with pencil. Book for Blair - a street organ off L. Visiting cards for Blair - Menus on tables. A mongrel dog on a rope for Sally off stage L. A tray with celery and prop Grisini for Connie. Awaiter from B.D, with tray filled with silver dishes. Another clears Grisini table R. front - Newspaper for Otis. Tap-bell on some of tables - a hip flask for Otis - a lemon. for Otis - a whisk broom for Connie - a hip flask for Connie, Note: The phone can be fastened to a tree A dish paii for Saliy to wash dishes in, act Two Seene 1: Richard Farquar's Garden Custard, ornamented WHER a Taree" bon ribbon carried by Rosie. A tray of liquors and a tray with coffee, carried by two flunkeys - a flunkey with a cart and liquors. ACT THREE Scene 2: Dressing Room Whuiber of BESKGES CF tlowers with cards attached. Scene 3: Six Flower giris to strew wild roses.SCENE, OPENING: ACT ONE THE ELM TREE ALLEY INN. "Somewhere Down Town", A garden restaurant of the Bohemian variety. A large elm tree is growing in the yard and this gives the restaurant its name. There is a balcony built around this tree and steps going up to it, There are a number of little tables in the yard and on a covered terrace at the back of that opens on the garden through glass doors. There are more tables. To the right is the rear facade of the house; to the left a bigh wall covered with lattice, ‘There is a doorway in this wall that opens into the alley. There is lattice work over the other walls, too, and on either side of the terrace frescoed panels with figure subjects, At rise there are occupants at most of the tables. The Inn of Elm Tree Alley is apparently a favorite resort of couples whose interest in each other is so great that they prefer to be in a place where they won't be subject of remark, Hence the popularity of this little Bohemian resort. There is a party of four at one table and seated alone at another table is ROSIE with her back turned reading a newspaper. She is waiting for ors. ‘The PROPRIETOR and the WAITER come in with the checks. Business of paying checks, SASCHA enters playing violin solo. At finish GUESTS applaud and some shake hands with him, complimenting him; ag an encore he starts introduction of "IN THE NIGHT TIME", GIRLS here leave tables and come to places. Then enter JIM and the SIX SPECIAL GIRLS.gmMs NUMBER: "IN THE NIGHT TIME JIM Te night time, when the lights are bright Te's the night time when we feel just right. Makes a chappie feel so happy We're so snappy, we're full of, fight. GIRLS There's something doing, cmH It's the night walk that we love to prowl Téts the night hawk, that's the wise old cul Bet your life we have to fall A pleasant time is had by all hen the lark is singing gaily And the sun is overhead While the world is working daily We love to lie in bed. Honest toil may be a treasure But it has no charm for us. GIRLS The night was made - of leisure Let others fume and fuss For simple rustic pleasure We do not care a straw. oTH We think it's great to stay out late at night And skate around with Maud and Kate. GIRLS, We love the boys and all the noise And lively plays and cabarets. (Por finish of number TWO URCHINS enter, one from R and one from L - dance with JIM and all exit RLE) (ofIs enters from L. arguing with TAXT DRIVER as though in a great hurry, carrying hat and coat; also WAITER enters from R.U.E.) orzs you don't need to think you can slip that over on me. | I'm 208 Gaart for you New York fellows. How I am going to roast this town when I get back to Squantamville. (WAITER takes coat from back of chair) Elmer - Elmer - come back here. (Places coat on chair, WAITER attempts to take coat) ah na, no you don't, You're not going to get my little drop of Hootch. I lost one that way before.(ROSTE enters R.) ois (Cont'd) Ah sweet stuff, there you are -- Hello, Rosie! ROSIE (R.) I thought you said you'd meet me here at half past seven? ois (Le) Well, t's just twenty past seven. (Pulls back’ sleeve - looks at watch) ROSIE Twenty past eight. oris Oh no -- wait -- wait -- that's my Jersey wrist -- (Pulls up other coat sleeve, has watch on that too) ‘Think of that -- I've gone and made that mistake again. (Puts two wrists close together comparing them, clucks with tongue) And I thought I had plenty of time on my hands. “fraugns) Joke... (Turns to ROSIE) Plenty of time on my hands -- see? (Exhibits wrists -- ROSTE does not even smile) No....? All right, let it gol ROSIE You can't laugh yourself out of this. (Rnter SASCHA R.U.) orrs No, I was beginning to think that I'd taken the wrong tack! (To SASCHA who evidently annoys him vy standing there with ROSIE) Where did this velvet sofa come from? Hello Kube - awfully glad to see you - Well goodbye - so long ~ well, are you going to be a red hot chump and stick around all day? ROSIE (To SASCHA) Don't be insulted at anything he says to you. He's a yap and he don't know any better, Oris Yap, eh? Let me tell you of all the rube towns I've ever seen this here now New York has gone them all skinned. You stand on street corners like a slot of sheep waiting for a policeman to herd you.1-4 (ROSIE Xes to chair L. of table. SASCHA follows to back of table showing violin) OTIS (Cont'd) Well, Rosie, what's he trying to do? Sell that Eucalalio? A little ozone would do him good, tell him to take the air, Without a doubt these restaurant fiddlers spoil more good conversation without actually joining the party, Now Rosie, look at that menu and see what you're going to have. Thanic Heaven, he's gone -~ (Fiddle business) Never do that again if you know me a thousand years. (Fiddle business) That makes the goose flesh run up and down my spine. (Exit SASCHA R 2 8) ‘Thank heavens he's gone. ROSIE You've got a nervel You're always trying to chase my other friends avay. You're not the only onion in the hash,you know. oris You cute little mince ple, I could eat you right up. I may not be the only onion in the hash, but I'm the only one that really counts. You're going to be my baby doll and I'm going to be your little pay envelope. ROSIE Little pay 1s right. orrs hat has all the ear marks of a nasty crack, What about - tying on the feed bag? Now go right ahead and order what you like - You know me, big hearted Otis, You want to be careful what you're ordering -- they say that this place is noted for its ptomaine-poisoning. (Music plays off stage R, piano and violin) Ah, they've got music here, What do you say now? Shall we trip a measure in the dance while we're waiting for the waiter? ROSIE No thanks. If I want my feet stepped on I can ride in the subway. Onis What are you saying? Why I was known as the dancing dervish of Squantamville. ROSIE Maybe you go big 1n those huskin' bees, in the barn, but in New York oris There you go -- "New York" again -- I tell you this burg 1s slow. We've got steps up home you folks have never heard of,1-5 OTIS (Cont 'd) How about the frog dip? Or the Malary shiver. Or the jelly roll? NUMBER: "ON WITH THE DANCE" OIS and GIRLS. orrs (Sings to ROSIE and dances with her first) In Squantamville, Maine We've Jazz on the brain, We turn on the family victrola, On dancing we're keen And I'm the champeen I dance 111 T loosen each molar I tremble and thrill to the core, Like a jelly that's dropped on the floor, (REPRAIN) On with the Dance On with the Dance, Let me twirl in the whirl tonight, I'll cling to some beautiful Vamp, As-close as the gum to a stamp. I'll slither and ‘slip, T'1l hug and I'll grip I must have a night of romance; fo some Cutey in blue On Boy what T'11 do At the dance; on with the dance. a I!11 show them a step All ginger and pep, I'm one of the likeliest starters; I'11 shimmy and shake, And I'll twist like a snake, P11 I wriggle clean out of my garters. Ill find me a maiden so frail, EI grab her and prove I'm a whale. (REFRAIN) Qn with the dance, On with the dance, Let me twirl in the whirl tonight, With some sweetie I'11 roam, We'll both miss our last trolley home. T']1 cuddle and squeeze And sag at the knees; I must have a night of romance; If your wife I should see Don't trust her with me, At the dance; on with the dance,16 (ROSIE dances off R.1.E.) (Encore with "VAMP") (During dance with Vamp, ROSIE enters MAN ROE) orrs (Stops dancing. To VAMP) Now you see the evils of dancing. (Puts hand on shoulder of VAMP) Pardon me. I thought you had a shirt on, Go, my child, and sin no more, (ROSIE and MAN dance. OPIS takes her avay from him, they dance and exit R.1.2.) (VAMP and MAN exit L. through gate) (after number "ON WITH THE DANCE" all exit) (Music 8. in to entrance music for the SETTLEMENT GIRLS who enter through gate followed by MRS. TEN BROCK) (There are six GIRLS and SALLY. They are all in very cheap clothes - torn, patched. SALLY ig in the middle of the line. POPS enters from restaurant R.) POPS (Coming forward to R.C.) Good evening. MRS, TEN BROCK Good evening. I am Mrs. Ten Brock - I have been doing settlement work in the neighborhood. You wrote to our Matron, saying you wanted a young girl. POPS Yes - to wash dishes. GIRLS Wash dishes! (All the girls tip-toe to gate L. and try to crowd out. MRS, TEN BROCK calls to them) MRS, TEN BROCK Girls! Girls! GIRLS Yes, ma'am,MRS, TEN BROCK Do behave and please turn out your toes. GIRLS Yes, Ma'am! (They form an oblique line at L.C. of stage) POPS I used to have the waiters do it, but I've got a fellow now, that has a grudge against dishes. MRS, TEN BROCK T see. Now these are all of them lovely girls. This is a Miss Schuyler - Miss Bryant, Miss Audubon, and the dark girl is Miss Rhinelander, POPS They are all foundlings. They were named from the telephone districts in which they were found. The one on the end is Miss Green. POPS Green? MRS. TEN BROCK Shc wae roally named Bowling Green, but it seemed rather long. They all have their good points. (Goes L.) POPS There's only one point that interests me in a dish-washer - have they got non-skid hans. (GIRLS dance. All exit but SALLY) (Stops SALLY and the GIRLS exit R.2.E.) I like this one. Would you like the job, young lady? SALLY (R) I would not! MRS, TEN BROCK (t) Why Sally! SALLY (Xes to MRS, TEN BROCK) Have you ever washed dishes? MRS, TEN BROCK Well, I can't say I have.SALLY I thought not. What else will I have to do? POPS Oh, just clean out the place, run errands - and so on -~ SALLY Sew on what - buttons? POPS No, no! So on, means anything. SALLY Take me away, Mrs, Ten Brock, I don't want to stay ina place where they ask me to do anything. MRS, TEN BROCK Don't be silly, Sally. Mr, Shendoff is a very nice man, SALLY Have you seen his references? MRS, TEN BROCK You must be more respectful to your employer. POPS Now, do you think you could mop up this floor? SALLY Nol MRS, TEN BROCK No what, Sally - SALLY No = mop, POPS I'll give you the mop -- Do you want the job? SALLY (Xea to R.) Ido not - but I'l] take it. MRS, TEN BROCK Now, Mr, Shendoff, you and I had better go and talk over terms. POPS Certainly, Ma'am. (Bxit MRS. TEN BROCK and POPS R.U.E.) SALLY (R.C.) Other girls get interesting jobs - look at Mary Pickford - look at Charlotte Corday.1-9 (GIRLS appear in doorway R.) ist GIRL Sally's a dish-washer -- Sally's a dish-washer. SALLY Gee, if there's one job I hate, it's bathing dishes. 3rd GIRL Maybe you'll be a cashier some day. SALLY, I don't want to be any old cashier -- I want to be famous. ist GIRL (%es to SALLY) Gee, you're always harping on being famous, you make me tired. SALLY What's eatin' you, Red? and GIRL (Comes down) You've got a long way to go, girlie. SALLY That's all right, but I'll get there. Other girls have done it, Way Joan of Are didn't start any higher up than I am, and look where she got to. 3rd GIRL (Goes to SALLY) Yes,,but Joan of Arc was one in a million. SALLY One in a million! There's been so many million dubs born since then, it must be about time for another live one to come along. SONG: "JOAN OF ARC" (SALLY and SIX GIRLS) 1. Joan of Are was on her own, When she was quite a child; They thought her head was made of bone, But she just calmly smiled. They had their troubles at the time, And everybody knew it; When Kings and Dukes kept making flues, She said, "Here let me do it.”1-10 "JOAN OF ARC" (Cont'd) —~ REFRAIN I wish I could be like Joan of Arc, You bet that girl won through; They joshed her when she started, But she never got downhearted ) And it shows what a kid can do. She wrote her name on the nation's roll of fame, And it gained her great renown; Though her Pa and Ma, poor Fishes, fried to keep her washing Dishes; But you can't keep a good girl down. 2. She had no stairs to wash With soap suds and a pail; She just cout out domestic bosh, And bought a suit of Mail, They handed her the icy mitt But still she was unshaken, She showed the foe some tricks - yea bo And soon brought home the bacon. REFRAIN I wish T could be like Joan of Arc, She was "it" right from the starts When the hired girl was busy Well it used to make her dizzy, So she said "Here's where we part," She loves to fight and when foe-men came in sight, She would hand them Dempsey punches, Where they used to keep their lunches; For you can't keep a good girl down, (SALLY drilis with paper hats, etc. Use tvo small kids in this number, All march off exit) (CONNIE enters, He is attired as waiter - carries a tray. As he enters he stumbles and takes running fall all across stage. WAITERS gather up dishes - then exit. POPS enters behind him just as he recovers himself and steadies his gait down to a trot. He doesn't see POPS but begins to search about floor. POPS comes over and stands beside him) . POPS What are you looking for? What's all the conmotion?a-11 CONNIE I had a tip on the gray, a gent gave me. POPS What was it? CONNIE A dime. POPS A what? CONNIE A dime, Iwas looking for it. Maybe 1t's under your foot? (POPS stands on one leg while CONNIE searches floor) No, the other foot? PS steps on CONNIE's feet. Bus. CONNIE with foot falling) Now you've done it. There it goes! (Falls, gets up) Now how am I going through life with a thing like that - there It goes. (Gets up) I'LL have to rub it with Sloan's Liniment. POPS Is that good? CONNIE, Certainly it's good. Mix a little orange juice with it -- kills the taste ~- there it goes. (Falls) As though I hadn't had troubles enough. POPS Iam very sorry, your Highness. (Salutes ) CONNIE Don't salute, I don't want people to know that the Duke of Checkergovinia is a waiter in a third class restaurant. POPS A third class restaurant? (angry) What do you mean, sir -- CONNTE I'm wrong - I admit it. POPS I'm glad you do.1-12 CONNIE It's not third class. It's a fourth class. (Goes to table L.) My position and everything's gone from me. POPS (Patting his shoulder) Haven't I given you another position? CONNIE (stil crying) I'm speaking about my social position. (Snatehes up a plate and smashes it) There - I always feel better when I smash something. POPS I think I'd feel better if I smashed something. (CONNIE turns) Your Highness! CONNIE Don't salute. Are you or are you not a loyal supporter of the ducal family of Pachekagovinia? (Ad 1ib) POPS Haven't I proved my loyalty? Afler the war was over -— after you were kicked out and came to New York penniless and friendless, didn't I take you in and treat you as one of the family. CONNTE Yes -- that's what I'm complaining of. I asked you - are you - are you not a loyal supporter? POPS Yes, I am! CONNIE Give me next Toursday night off! POPS I knew it would be something like that! Whenever you start in about my loyalty I always feel a touch coming. I fire a ood waiter and engage you out of loyalty and you do nothing mae ask me for days off. CONNIE All right. If I am ever restored I shall give you the order of the cross of Anastasia -- that I have promised -- but you'll never get the order of the golden caterpillar -- There's a crawler for you.1-13 POPS Oh please -- your Highness! (salutes ) READY R. CRASH CONNIE ORGAN L Don't salute! When do I get off? POPS But where do I get off? I've only got three other waiters -- CONNIE But when do I get off? POPS Next Thursday. CONNIE You may kiss our hand. POPS Kiss your hand. CONNIE (Taking out engagement book) Pardon me. My thoughts had strayed back to summer days in dear old Checkergovinie. (Makes note in book) I shall now be able to accept Mr. Farquar's invitation to attend the ball, given in my honor. (Xes to table L. takes tray filled with dishes) POPS (c) Have none of your friends found out how it is you make your living? CONNIE (R) of course not, I tell them all I must withhold my address for political reasons - owing to the activity of the revolution- ists I am living incog-- (Picks up tray with dishes - starts to fall) There it goes. (POP catches tray) I've got to get that fixed, POPS In what? Where is that? That incog-- CONNIE It's not a suburb, (Stuttering) When I say I'm living incogn, I mean - I'm living incognito.> 1-24 POPS Oh, that's so simplet CONNIE I know you are. My what lovely bridge work -- they are using tin now. Now you had better come and help me wash the dishes. POPS No, I'm busy. CONNIE You had better come and help me wash the dishes (Exits R.2.E, with tray) (Crash off stage. CONNIE CRASH R. re-enters) ORGAN: You don't have to help me wash the dishes, OFF Ly (POPS raving, exits R.U.E, Enter BLAIR R.2,H. BLAIR comes in reading a book) BLAIR Good evening. CONNIE Good evening. Table for one? BLAIR No, for eight. Organ plays off L.) Waiter, here's a dollar, Won't you please give it to that organ grinder and ask him to go away? CONNIE Certainly, sir. (Pockets dollar. Throws plate, comes back rubbing bis hands) All attended to, sir. BLAIR Let me see, I wrote out the menu for supper. Where did I put it? (Feels in his pockets) Here it is. CONNIE (Reading) Birds of passage. Two young children -- BLAIR Om, excuse me, ‘Those are all chapter headings in my novel. The menu is on the other side, CONNIE Celery, Olives. Ox tail soup -- you're going away back. I must be careful with that, If I should give it to the2-15 CONNIE (Cont 'd) cook wrongside up, there'd be trouble. Imagine two young children. When are you going to get them, Di I understand you to say you were an author? BLAIR Yes, I write books. CONNIE Well, sir -- Dod you mind paying for this in advance? BLAIR In advance? CONNIE, It is a rule of the house -- artists and writers must pay in advance. BLAIR Here is my card - I think the proprietor knows ne. CONNIE He knows all of you, that's why he made this rule. (Reads cara) Mr, Blair Farquar - Oh, I beg pardon. You are a relative of the great financier -- Richard Farquar, I believe? BLAIR He is my father. CONNIE Ah yes! What a coineidence ~ your father - READY (Sits - then rises) Sit down, it's all right. I beg your pardon - ny mistake ~ your error,: Tell me - are you likely to attend the party that Mr, Farquar is giving in honor of his Highness the Grand Duke of Pzcherkagovinia? BLAIR Not if I can help it. CONNIE Why not ? BLAIR I hear the Duke is an absolute ninny. CONNIE Heh! Hal Hal BLAIR My friend met him and as Jim puts it a brain specialist couldn't make peanut money working on him. (Laughs )1-16 CONNIE (Laughs ) Is that so? You want me to fix this supper for you good? BLATR Will you? CONNIE Wait and see. (There is a sound of commotion in the alley. Volees and whoops, cat calls, SALLY runs across stage entering from right and shooting off through gate left) BLAIR What was that that shot across? CONNTE That was the new dishwasher -- escaping. BLAIR Couldn't stand washing dishes any longer -- Really I don't wonder. Foor kid what an awful way to have to make your living! CONNIE What about mo? BLAIR Ha, hal : CONNIE Ha ha yourself! Why give her all the sympathy. She's got gold - gold - gold, in her teeth. I can't even get meat in mine. (Quarrel off stage L. over. dog. SALLY enters. CONNIE exits into restaurant) SALLY (off stage) Don't you dare! GIRL Say kid, where do you get that stuff! SALLY. (Backs through gate, leading a mongrel dog protectively. He has a bit of rope tied round his neck) If there's any of youse kids that are sick of livin’ -- you just touch my dawg -- again -- see? GIRL Next time I'll tie cans to his’ ears1-17 (SALLY comes down L.C.) BLAIR Is that your dog? SALLY Yes, He followed me over here and the kids got hold of him an' tied a tomato can to his tall. Shake hands with the gentleman, Custard. (Dog sits up. Shakes hands) BLAIR He's clever, isn't he? SALLY You bet he is. Knows more than most men, doesn't he? BLAIR Seems to. SALLY And he minds better too. There -- now go on home. (Sends dog away) (Dog runs off into wings L.) BLAIR You believe in the motto "The more I see of men the more I think of dogs?” SALLY Oh men are all right I guess 1f you're all dolled up and look pretty. BLAIR Nonsense, I'm a man and fine clothes don't make any difference to me, SALLY Sure; that's what they all say. But you walk up behind one of 'em and make a noise like fustlin' silk an'watch how quick he'll turn around, I've tried it. BLAIR Have you? SALLY T used to sew sandpaper on the knees of my stockings, The effect was great but of course as soon as they looked at me it was cold. BLAIR What do you do here - wash dishes?1-18 SALLY Say, 1s it beginning to show on me? I've only had the job about fifteen minutes and the first person that sees me spots me for a dishwasher! BLAIR No, I didn't. ‘The waiter told me. SALLY Oh-hi I feel better, Thought my hands must be red. BLATR Do you like washing dishes? SALLY Are you trying to be funny? Whoever heard of anyone that liked washing dishes? BLAIR Suppose I could find you a job you liked better. SALLY If you could find me any job I didn't like better you'd be a wonder! Saeeeeaaa BLAIR Well, I'll see what I ean dol SALLY Oh... (Stops) Will you? ... Say, you're like the man I used to read about in the story books. I didn't think there was men like that in real life. BLAIR Are you fond of books? SALLY I love 'em. They help you to get away from your own life. BLAIR Im mighty glad to find someone who thinks books really useful. You see, I write stories... SALLY Do you now? I wonder if you wrote my favorite about the girl the villain ties to a railroad track because she spurns his vile love? Did you write that one? BLAIR (Smiling) No, that isn't one of mine.1-19 SALLY No? BLAIR No. SALLY (Disappointed) Too bad. ‘The hero of that one seemed a lot like you -- only of course he wouldn't have gone around in the evenin' without a full dress-suit. BLAIR (Laughing) What's your name? SALLY Sally. What's yours? BLAIR Blair. SALLY Blair -- that's a funny name, Which end do you use 1t? BLAIR It's my first name, Blair Farquar. SALLY Blair Farquar. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Blair Farquar, (Holds out hand, then wipes hand on apron) BLAIR (Smiling as he shakes hands) How do you do? SALLY Oh, I'm pretty good. BLAIR We're golng to be friends, you and I. SALLY Are we? BLAIR Don't you want to be? Ido, I'm rather a lonely sort of fellow and I like you. SALLY Do you -- really? BLAIR And I'm going to help you if you'll let me.1-20 SALLY It's awful good of youl I thought I was playing in hard luck when they picked me out to wash dishes. BLAIR Things are bound to look up. There's a bright side to everything. SALLY Even to dishpans! DUET: "SILVER LINING" - SALLY and BLAIR BLAIR (Seated) Please don't be offended if I preach to you a while, Tears are out of place in eyes that were meant to smile There's a way to make your very biggest troubles small - Here's the happy secret of it all. (REFRAIN) Look for the silver lining Whenever a cloud appears in the blue Remember somewhere the sun is shining And so the bright thing to do, is make it shine for you, A heart full of joy and gladness Can always banish sadness and strire So always look for the silver lining And try to find the sunny side of life. SALLY As I wash dishes, I'll keep following your plan 'T111 I see the brightness in every pot and pan I am sure your point of view will ease the daily grind, So I'll keep repeating in my mind. (Rises Look for the silver lining Whenever a cloud appears in the blue Remember somewhere the sun is shining And so the bright thing to do, is make it shine for you, A heart full of joy and gladness Can always banish sadness and strife BOTH So always look for the silver lining And try to find the sunny side of life. . (At end of number exit BLAIR off through ‘ the alley gate. SALLY watches him off. CONNIE enters carrying tray with celeray and prop grisini)1-21 CONNIE Hello, so you came back? SALLY What do you mean? CONNIE I thought you were running away. SALLY Iwas thinkin’ about it -- but now I've changed my mind, CONNIE (arranging stuff on table) Just since you met me? SALLY No, I'm sorry, but you hadn't anything to do with it. CONNIE (Handing her bunch of celery) That settles that, Hold that. (Hums "Silver Lining", Goes to table R., arranges chairs. SALLY eats celery) Who were you waving to when I came in? SALLY None of your business. CONNIE I didn't get the name. Sounds like Russian descent. (Looks, sees her eating celery) Hey, what are you doing? Give me that. (Takes celery from SALLY, puts it back in jar) Look at that =~ you've got it all out of shape, You've no ight to steal the celery, (Puts it in glass) You're a bad girl, and I don't like bad giris. (Laugns) She's a cute trick. I wouldn't argue with her, SALLY (Points to grisini) What's that stuff? CONNIE That! Oh, that's grisinil SALLY Who? CONNIE Not who...neuter gender...1t...It's a kind of bread. (Takes up piece, breaks it off, hands it to SALLY)1-22 CONNIE (Cont 'd) You try it. (SALLY breaks 1t) Try again. (SALLY does so) My a woman's strength. It's very brit-tle, (SALLY throws broken pieces at CONNIE as he walks away) Heyl What are you doing? Here's some I just brought up... from the bakery’. (Takes it up) The trouble is... (It bends) rather soggy tonight. (Business) Make a good Mache, (Bus, lands around his neck) Now 1t looks like a niblick, (Puts it on table) SALLY What's your name? CONNIE Constantino - Alexandrivitch Nicholas Fedor Gaborr -- What's your name? READY SALLY ORGAN Sally. CONNIE Short, isn't it? It's pretty though. SALLY Do you like 1? CONNIE Yes. SALLY Tell me, Connie -- CONNIE (Looks at her) Conniel SALLY Tell me - why did you ever take up waiting for a living? CONNIE Well, it's a long story. SALLY (Looking him over) You look as if you were at least bright enough to drive a truck.1623 CONNIE A truck! Well, I wasn't always a waiter. SALLY I thought not. what were you? CONNIE I was mixed up in politics. SALLY Gee, that's not much better than waiting. If I were a man Ttdé'be something exciting. CONNIE Politios in any part of the world were exciting enough, believe me. SALLY I want to singt CONNIE With that rheumatism -- can you dance? ORGAN (Grgan plays. SALIY dances, CONNIE gots plate, throws it through gate L. Organ stops, comes dancing back) There it goes! (Falls) itts that middle knuckle. I've got to get that fixed. How would you like to dance here? SALLY In the cabaret you mean? I'd love it! CONNIE 1 think maybe I can arrange it for you, 1111 speak to Pops, if you like. (Starts to go) SALLY oh, will you? (SALLY grabs hin by the coat) CONNIE ALL right, Mr. Officer, I*11 go along. (Sees it's SALLY) Don't do that..-would you really like to dance here? SALLY ALL I want is a chance. I can dance--honest to God, T can. CONNIE Phen I'll fix it with Pops so you can dance here all the time. Then he won't expect me to go on in case he runs short of talent.1624 SATLY Does he ever do that? CONNIE Deed he does. The other night Soupadina...that!s the Hawaiian Princess, absolutely refused to go on and dance. SALLY Why? CONNIE It was Yom Kippur. I had to go in, in her place. Some job this is! SALLY Cheer up, @hings will be brighter some day. (Fusses with his hair) CONNTE Look owt for number seven. Tot for me. My bright future is all behind me, SALLY Dontt you believe it. (Sings: "Look for the Silver READY BOYS Lining) & GIRES DANCE OW A heart full of joy and gladness Will always banish sadness and strife, So always look for the silver lining, And try to find the sunny side of life. (After reprise by SALLY) CONNER You wouldn't talk like that if you had been through what I have the last two years, (They go into dance, Exit R.1.2.) (After dance, enter WAITER R.3. with tray filled with silver dishes-- another WAITER clears grisini, celery, ete, table R. front) (Enter four couples, dancing, followed by OTIS and ROSIE R.U, dancing on) opis Gosh, it's warm, That was some dance! After that you won't say your playmate from Squantamville don't shake a mean pair of violin cases.1-25 ROSIE Otis, what's this you're telling me about the money youtre going to make? (OIS follows her) ors Thats right sweet stuff, Today I clinched a deal by which Itm going to make one thousand berries. ROSIE Say, you can think up more good ones. oris Ho, it's a fact. That is to be my fee for booking the famous and notorious Russian dancer Nantzelle Nockerova to appear next Thursday at a big ball given by Richard Farquar, ‘the well-to-do millionaire. (Uses different colored handkerchiefs during speech) ROSIE Is that so? Where did you become acquainted with this Imock= exeoversdame? oris Itm not acquainted with her! Ttm her agent. Her New York representative. I picked this paper up outside and the first thing I struck right here on the first page Mme, Nockerova wrecks the throne of a Grand Duke. ROSIE A bonb=thrower? oris A bonbethrower, nonsense. She dontt have to throw bombs, with a face like that! Look at that face. No, not that one = thatts Sophie Tucker. ‘This one = (Points) She's only a little bit of a woman, but the damage she can dol Oh, dog bite my cat! ROSIE Ith) bet that's just pressestuff, She's probably a perfectly nice girl. oris Here, what are you trying to do, ruin her reputation, ROSIE I stpose you think that a girl can't be on the stage and be good? oris I don't say she can't but I understand it isn't strictly necessary,1-26 ROSIE Otis! ors All right, let it got I don't Imow how the food is here, but tthe service is absolutely terrible =- look over this list of hot groceries while I page a little service. (Rings bell) Waiter! Waitert (CONNIE comes from R.2 stands, looks over at ORS, struts over, grabs bell, they struggle for it. OTS gets it puts it back on table) CONNIE Switch off those headlights. (OPIS takes off specs) Put fom back againt ots, Say, what the -- That's the freshest waiter I ever saw. Wetve been here a half an hour and here's a waiter... CONNIE Welcome, Brother Elk. orrs. (Showing lapel of coat) Kansas City 74. CONNIE (Same business) St, Louis 49. (Starts toward each other to shake hands. Miss) Where has he gone? You want a regtlar dinner? orts Certainly not! Wetre going to celebrate! My lady friend and Tare out for the night ani wetre going to kick the boards right out of the stall. Now Rosie you look over that list of hot. groceries, and see what youtre going to have, anything you like. You know me, big hearted Otis, but read the numbers first. ROSIE Well, I#4 like some broth. CONMIE Some broth, yes, miss. Oris (fakes menu) Ita Like sone mtton.1-27 CONNIE Mutton broth. orrs No. Muff @ Jeff. (Laugh business. OPIS pushes CONNIE, he sinks to floor. Rings bell) Waiter! Waiter! (Turning to R. then L. CONNIE dodging him to R, then b, Rises) I wish you'd Tight in one vlace. CONNIE Here I am, sir. (Pulling chair avay) oris (Starts to sit, falis to floor) Oh, ch. (CONNIE and ROSIE help him up) I wish you'a call your shots, Now youtve done it Itl1 bet ‘two bits youtve put a nasty dent in my flask. (Takes it from hip pocket) No, itts all right, all done in the spirit of fun. CONNEE (Getting to back of table) T!11 get three glasses. ons You'll get three glasses? (Puts flask on table) CONNIE That's right. (Picks up flask) Oris You'll do nothing of the kind. You'll get tuo glasses. COMNIE Why, aren't you drinking? ons (Grabs flask from him) He's the freshest waiter I ever savi (To RCSIB) Do you care if I smoke? CONNEE I dontt care if you burn,1-28 (OTIS looks at him) Onis Now, Waiter...I wish you'd give us a little service. CONNIE I'll give you as little as I can. Onis Wetll make this dinner good and snappy. Waiter, bring us in a dozen clams. CONNIE 12 clams, Will your lady be sitting with you? ORIS and ROSIE Of course! Why, certainly! CONNIE Thatts all I want to know. TI don't want thirteen at table. (ixites order) 12 clams... oris Gosh, ain't ke the catts whiskers? CONNIE May I make @ suggestion? oris Im broad-minded. CONNIE How would you like some oysters? oris oysters? Wow there's a thought behind that, Rosie would you oxave an oyster? ROSIE No, no oysters. Oris Wo. CONNIE Why not? OTs Way, don?t you mow that oysters are not good this month. CONNIE Well, T#21 give you last month orrs (Looks at him) NosCONNIE How would you like some Hebrew coffee? Onis Hebrew coffee. Why what are you talking about. Rosie, I ‘think the boy's cuckoo. Hebrew coffee! I never heard of Hebrew coffee in all my life. CONNIE, There was a party at that table a little while ago and I heard ‘the waiter say you wish (jewish) coffee. (Bus. OPIS laughing. CONNIE looks at him, then at ROSIE) Is he wrong again? OBIS Now, waiter, after you have eased in here with the clams, you night bring ws a couple of bowls of "Zoupe". CONNIE Yes, sir. (starts to go R. Stops back to OPIS on his R. leaning over to him) I beg pardon, sir, what was that last? orrs (To CONNIE) After the girl friend and I have gone to work on the clams, you might glide in with a couple of bowls of "Zoupe". CONNIE (with face near OfTS1s) Zoupe? Oris Zoupet (4% same time turning his face to CONNIE, ‘they kiss, Business. CONNIE pulls out lemon from pocket, eats it, business of sour lemon, OTIS wipes his mouth with tablecloth, then takes out a match, lights, holds it near his mouth, does this second time and burns himself. Then rings bell violently) (Ringing bell) Waiter! Waiter! (CONMIB rushes madly about in different directions, then to back of table)1630 ORIS (Cont'd) I wish you wuld give us a little attention, but dontt be So darned affectionate, CONNIE Did you say "Zoupe". (As OPIS looks up at him, puts napkin over his mowth and over his head, OTIS holds handkerchiot over his mouth, just as he says) ors Zoupet CONNIE (Laughs ) Oh, you mean "Zope", (Points to bill of fare) onrs (Looking at bill of fare) Yes, ny mistake, CONNIE What kind would you like? orig Well, wetre broad~minded, you might make it vegetable. CONNIE One vegetable, "sope". oris Now, waiter, after you glided in with the "sope" you might bring us a couple of dabs of fish. CONNIE (Hitting him on side of head with order book, Business OTIS dazed) How that's enought oris (Tn a daze) Rosie, I wish you wouldn't play so rough. ROSIB Ididntt do it. CONNIE I wish you wouldn't order fish, oe OPTS and ROSIE why not?1-31 ROSIE Isntt it fresh? connie Certainly it's fresh, we have an aquariun right o the premises. onrs Why if you've got an aquariun on the premises the fish are bound to be fresh. CONNIE And I am in charge of the aquarium. Oris Then you might dig in and bring us out a couple of fat ones. CONNIE I watohed the little fish grow from girlhood up, Pardon me, there's your arm. Oris What! (Aa lib) CONNIE It was hanging from her shoulder. I wish you wouldn't order fish. I've become attached to them. oris I understand your feeling. Youtve probably become so fond of them that youtve spoiled them and I hate spoiled fish. However, waiter, I can appreciate your sentiments. I can understand how anyone can really grow fond of a fish. You know, Rosie, that takes me back to Squamtamville. When I was a boy. ah me, heigho, alackaday! I had a pet fish! I called her Isabelle. Iwas awfully fond of Isabelle, taught her a lot of tricks ~= even taught her to do without water, ROSTE What! onrs Therets nothing strange about that. Is there, Waiter? COMNTE Oh, no. orrs I got Isabelle so used to going without water, I could keep her in the cage with the canary bird. CONNIE ‘The fish?1-32 opis Yes, tho fishs One evening, ah me, fateful night! How well I rémomber it...Isabelle was in the canary bird's cage romping around. Leaping from crag to orag like a mountain goat. CONNIE The fish! onrs Qhe fish! Then she got upon the canary bird's perchs CONNIE with the other fish. OFS No, (Rises, walks to ana fro) CONNIE Well, a perch is a fish. ors You leathershead, She got on the canary’ bird?é swing. - CONNIE Ont! I give upt OLS (Bus, exasperated) IAsten, she got up in the canary bird's swing...and was swinging plithely to and fro=-when she lost her balance, Zell into the canary bird's bath and was drowned. CONNIE The fish? oris The fish. (CONNIE attempts to strike OTIS. OfIS jumps up also ROSIE. OfIS behind ROSIE All right, Rosie. I'm right behind you. CONNIE I can sympathize with you, sir, for I too have mad a great sorrow in my life. ois Yes, it's showing on you, COMMER I had a pet chicken once.1-33 opis Itve got one now. Hello manat CONNIE Olga was her name, oris Oh, a Russian girl? CONNIE Ahon, A barn yard person. I taught her to lay colored Easter eggs. ots The fish, CONNIE The hen..,by holding a piece of red ani blue cloth in front of her eyes. onrs Of course ~ prenatal influence. CONNIE Thank you. I will, but one day I went out to visit with my little Olga and found her dead, ROS Ls Dead? CONNIE Yes. Some darn fool had hung a mitch work quilt in front of her. onrs Wetve been listening to that darn fool and hets gone without taking our order, ome on, Rosie, let us have a dance while wetre waiting. ROSIB It's terrible the appetite I'm getting with all this dancing. (Exit OTIS and ROSIE) (Bnter BLAIR, JIM and BOYS, General conversation’ as they enter, as though continuing a conversation) BIAIR Shets just a little girl, who works here in this restaurant. BOYS Here! JIM And you want to help her.134 BLAIR Yes, but I don't quite know how. am Blair, I believe youtve fallen in love at last. BIA Dontt be ridiculous. I only met her an hour agos att Yes, I mow. But love keeps no record of time. BLAIR I guess youtre right, They say when you meet your golden girl, something tells you that your quest is endedé (SONG) "SALLY" BLAIR and BOYS lee There's someone that I cantt forget Wo matter where I go Though not of high degree She's all the world to ne A modest rose, unknown as yet But wonderful to see She is the darling of my heart And I met her in the alley, And at sone future day To her I mean to say. REFRAIN Dear little girl, I love you, dear little girl, Though the dress that you wear is a poor affair You made me care, And I know that some day I mean to tell her All my golden schenes, We shall find that world of happiness Where the sun alvays gleans And ‘then I'll take my Sally Away from the alley, fo that wonderful valley of dreams, 2. She's different from the rest I can't describe her quite To me she seems just right, She won my heart at sight It matters not how she is dressed1935 "SALLY" » (Cont'd) BLATR and BOYS (Cont'd) I want to hold her tight There is no lady in the land ‘That is half so sweet as Sally, No matter what her name I love her just the sames REFRAIN (At the end of the umber. ..Enter SIX SPECIAL GIRLS. Greet BLATR and JIM. ALL go to table Ri front, Other groups enter and go to different tables, ‘Then enter OLD MAN and GIRL Li and CONNIE enters from R.2,) OLD MAN Come along, my dear, this way. My, what a quaint placet CONNIE Grandpats playing hookey. Well, Commodore, when are you going to jump? What can I do for yout OLD MAN I would like a nice quiet table for twos coms Very sorry == but wetre crowded, (OLD MAN slips CONNIE a $20 bill) $20) For that you can have the house. OLD MAN I would like a quiet place where we can have a nice quiet tete-artote, CONNIE How would you like the “poop” deck? OLD MAN That will do very nicely. Is it safe? ‘CONNIE Perfectly safe. Everything's fine. It's wonderful. (GIRL goes up ladder) Wonderfult (Bus, CONNIE then OLD MAN goes up) + Don't play on the ladder, (@ NNIE tickles the OLD MAN, he cackles, does so second tine, OLD MAN has a fit of coughing)1-36 CONNIE (Looking up to GIRL in tree) You had better got him home before he dies on your hands. OLD MAN Waiter, can we get a drink? CONNIE What would you like? OLD MAN Oh, bring us a couple of brandies. CONRIE, Couple of brandies, (Fills two glasses from flash from his pocket) Coming up. (Goes up ladder) There you are. (When GONNTE places @rinks on table, OID MAN surprised at promptness, nakes an exclamation which sounds like a whistle) One otclock! TI didn't know it was so late. (Hanis hin whisk broom) And the old necessary. Om MAM What on earth is the whisk broom for? CONNIE You ordered a drink, didn't you? OLD MAN Yes. CONNIE That's to trush yourself off when you pick yourself up. (Starts down) om MAN Charge the drinks on my bill and here's $5 for yourself. Now don't forget I want a lot of service. CONNIE I'll be on your hip the whole evening. (Bell rings) Coming. BIAIR Waiter, bring my dinner, please. CONNIE Police? Oh, please. Yes sir, right away. (Exits )1-37 (Enter OTIS and ROSIE) ois (Entering with ROSIE from R.U.B.) Waiter, bring along that turtle soup and make it snappy. Itve had nothing to eat since breakfast. I ought to be starved. ROSIE You ought to be shot! Oris ALL right, let it gol (Belephone rings) (Bell on table R. Bell on table 14d. Bells in foots. “As Eater CONTE with ‘tray. Ho runs to-different tables, then to phone) CONNIE (After running around and throwing tray to WAITER, who has entered, goes ‘to phone) Hellot Yes, this is the Elm Tree Inn -- what? BLAIR I took the liberty of ordering berore you came in, Would you like to have some chicken gumbo? CONNIE (At phone) You want chicken gumbo! (fo BLAIR) Yes, sir, Right away, sir. (Goes to table L, front. OPIS and ROSIE talicing behind menu with which OTS, covers their faces) Youtre wanted on the phone. Oris Ttve been expecting a phone message. Tt's important business. Bxouse me, Rosie -- Where's the phone? CONNIE Ttve been hiding it for you. This way ~~ (As_he starts to phone, bell on table up L.C, rings. He runs to it followed by OPIS. ‘Then bell on table down R, front rings -- he runs there followed by OBIS then to phone at tree)