TUKSDA COLLEGE WEDNESDAY STUDY

SEASONS OF LOVE

FROM LIKE TO LOVE

I don't know how many people have ever been in a complicated situation emotionally. Probably
you had feelings for someone and didn't know how to deal with it. Or someone had feelings for
you and you didn't know how to handle it. Or both of you had feelings and no one was making
any advancement. In this study, we will try and find our way around these situations as we start
delving more into the practical side of love. In the previous study we considered the difference
between love and infatuation. Consider the following questions as we proceed on with today’s
study:
1. Why is it important to define your present location in your friendship/relationship continuum?
2. What are some of the dangers of confusing where you are in a relationship?
3. What are some common myths and misconceptions concerning attraction?
4. What are some common mistakes made when handling attraction?
5. What is the place of physical beauty and attraction in the development of a godly relationship?

PART 3: WALKING THROUGH THE MOTIONS

A continuum is “continuous series or whole, no part of which is noticeably different from its
adjacent parts, although the ends or extremes of it are very different from each other.
What do you think it may mean in the context of a relationship?

Usually, in a friendship, you do not have clearly specified packets of relationship levels that you
move through like in school; today you are in Grade 1, tomorrow you are in Grade 2, and
everyone knows, and every level has specific characteristics with clear demarcations.

With friendships, it is different. Today, you are acquaintances then at some point, you are friends,
but you cannot pinpoint the specific point that you crossed over. And the dangerous thing, is that
oftentimes the same thing happens with relationships. Have you seen guys who are in a
relationship but they cannot really say when it began? They were friends and then one day they
just realized, "Well, I guess we're more than friends." They realized the things they were doing
for each other were no longer friend-zone agenda.

Why is it important to define clearly, where you are in your friendship/relationship?

1. To correctly define the manner of relating.

A certain preacher was conducting a session on relationships and asked, "How many people are
in a relationship?" One hand went up. "How many people are single?" Many hands went up.
"How many people are single but they behave like they are in a relationship?" Laughter. Maybe
I should say, guilty laughter. They are some who laughed from the humour of it. But I know there
are many who laughed out of experience. They understood the third option. Those are people
who did not define their friendship correctly, and therefore did things that people on a different
level of friendship should be doing, they know it, and oftentimes, everyone else knows it.

Today I hope to get a bit real with us.

God thoroughly chastised me in preparation for this study, so if no one else is led to repentance
by today's session, at least God already won me.

Ever seen duos who believe they are single, and are the only ones who hold to that belief?
Everyone else thinks otherwise!

2. Define correctly your privileges and expectations.

Scenario 1. You are friends with someone. You always book for them a seat during vespers. This
vespers you booked a seat for someone else. Now she is jealous.

Scenario 2. You always go for lunch with someone. Today you went out for lunch with different
company. He gave you a hurt look.

You have a feeling that it is your privilege. They probably have it also, and even have to explain
to you when they want to break tradition. You still believe you are friends, but either one or both
are deceived. Now, one person has certain expectations and you feel indebted to offer it. Or you
keep wondering why they are insecure about you. You have a problem that he is addicted to
WhatsApp and chats a lot, but it evaporates when you are on the receiving end of the chats.

Correctly defining where you are helps you to define correctly, what you expect of each other.

3. Avoid trifling with hearts.

There are many people who have led on a sister, or a brother (I think sisters have been left off the
hook for far too long on this one), simply because there was no attraction on their part... (May the
guilty say in their hearts, “Lord have mercy”.)

You realize, or just feel, that the vibe coming from the other party is somehow distinct from the
vibes from all the others, but you ignore it. You do stuff that draws them in even more, but you
want to claim innocence when now you are claiming a garden elsewhere, "me I never proposed!",
you retort. (This is not only grammatically wrong; it is practically and spiritually deceptive.
However, we will come to that.) What was your mistake (both of you) all along? You did not
clearly define your relationship when it was metamorphosing.

4. Correctly define your prayer item.

It is a deception, both to God and to self, when emotionally you have already sold your heart to
a goodly person somewhere, and you are still going before God as though all lands are equally
before you. No chap, you have already pitched your tent towards a certain city, you sure you will
accept it when God points you to the plains?

We recently had a very fruitful conversation with a good brother, and he said something wise:

Sometimes you need to take time off and pray to God to just kill and destroy affections in you
that you may be able to discern clearly the voice of God.

My ministering brethren, sometimes you get confused because of these. All flowers in the garden
have the scent of Eden but it is because you've been allowing their petals to come too close to
your nose (usually because they satisfy a certain emotional or psychological need) and now you
have a list of 10 before God. You need to be able to go before God and say, "I am attracted to Sister
X,...." then proceed with your request, whether it's for a clear sign, cessation of affection or
reversal of some progress illicitly made.

5. Identify attraction to manage it.

Many people are destroyed by attraction because they refused to acknowledge it. They proceeded
on in procuring and encouraging affections as though there were no fireworks in their heart when
the object of their attraction appeared. They sunk deeper in it, all along saying they were just
friends. Sometimes it is important to say, "I know I'm attracted to this guy, so I better start dealing
with it before it sinks me."

Others have allowed themselves get into compromising situations simply because they taught
they were just friends and nothing would happen when they both knew they felt differently from
their self-deceiving thoughts.

6. Buy time to learn and understand the object of your affection.

If you do not correctly define the level of your relationships, you suddenly find yourself saying
yes to a person on his right (or wrong) knee, when you have not asked all the important questions.
You ignored the progression of intimacy to the point a proposal is being made and serious
conversations have not been had.

I hope the answers to the first two questions are somewhat clearer now:
1. Why is it important to define your present location in your friendship/relationship continuum?
2. What are some of the dangers of confusing where you are in a relationship?

Kindly keep developing them further. As you think about them, you do more introspection, avoid
more mistakes and prepare yourself better for new tricks the devil may try on you that we have
not discussed here.
Step 1: Attraction

This is when you are drawn to another individual and they command your attention. You are
drawn to their company. You are greatly impacted by interactions and conversations with them.
There's probably some anxiety, butterflies (or bats) in your stomach, fear, etc. (But we'll notice as
we proceed, that this are only normal to a certain level then they become unhealthy and a sign of
danger.) It is the most volatile stage and may easily get out of control. It may also be most
deceptive if assumed to be synonymous to love or the penultimate step to love.

Step 2: Interest

This is where you start having a conversation. You are no longer standing at a distance being
affected by the wind of their breath, but you start having, and feeding, your interest with
information.

You start asking the key (but not intimate) questions. The intimate questions will have their good
time once a decision has been made, lest you fall into the trap of awakening love before it is fit to
arise.

You use the privilege of friendship to assess the compatibility, viability and suitability of a
relationship.
 Compatibility: do you cohere and agree? Are you in harmony in the things you consider
most significant?
 Viability: is there hope for a relationship?
 Suitability: is it right before God? Is it the best thing for you and them?

You need to come to two points:

1. I love God enough that if He says "No", I'll obey and move on, and
2. I love the other person so much that if it comes to my notice that I am not the best person for
him/her, I will obey and move on.
This occurs now as you are assessing them, and again we will see it when we get to courtship and
engagement.

You get to know things such as their favourite past time activities, their religious experience, their
life aspirations, their cultural background, etc.

Step 3. Like

This indicates preference. I like avocadoes, means I prefer them to something else, probably
apples. However, preference must be informed by information and knowledge.

And that's where infatuation usually happens. People confuse attraction with liking. They
assume the intense feelings of affection and anxiety they feel substitutes the need for knowledge.
Alternatively, they seek for knowledge in the context of their attraction. Sorry mate, you will
never see their negative sides. So, at interest level, emotions must take a back seat and reason
proceed, so that at “like” level, your emotions return to join the conclusion of logical, calm and
weighed reason.

Step 4: Love

This is when you CHOOSE to give your affections to the other person. Notice, it is a decision you
make, not a feeling that you are bound to follow like a dog on a leash. That is what makes it a
principle: it is not a rollercoaster feeling, it is a sensible decision. It is weighed, the totality of the
other person assessed and accepted, then your affections given, your affections I say, for you still
possess them (on God's behalf) and are responsible for how you use them.

So, while relationships are usually a continuum, the children of God must be able to always define
where they are in a relationship, assess their privileges at that point and know their spiritual
duties at that stage.

As we await the next study, let us consider our initial questions three and four:

 What are some common myths and misconceptions concerning attraction?

 What are some common mistakes made when handling attraction?

A few more questions to ponder about as we await our study:

1. What are some common reasons for marriage that are wrong?
2. What is the place of physical beauty and attraction in the development of a godly relationship?
3. What is the difference between love and attachment?
4. What are some things you need to overcome before you get into a relationship?

Now, you have probably realized that there are associations in your life that have not been having
taglines before (coz you really did not know what they were); go home and name them. Identify what
they are, and if some have skipped significant steps, kindly, rewind your clock. They purposes and
advantages of each step are essential for the success of the ultimate edifice, a godly marriage. Further,
if there are mistakes you have been doing (we will get into those mistakes even more in the next study),
confess them before God. If there are situations you need to give explanations, kindly, go and give
them, humbly but definitively. "I know I have done things that have been unconsciously calculated to
sustain your affections without confirming them, and I am sorry. I think we need some time apart to
find our center with God and live as the single we are once again." Okay, phrase it better, I am poor
at these things.
We need to redeem our hearts from unsanctified and unapproved associations; laying aside every
emotional, social and psychological burden that doth so easily beset us, and getting light for the flight
of translation.