Porn Studies

ISSN: 2326-8743 (Print) 2326-8751 (Online) Journal homepage: https://www.tandfonline.com/loi/rprn20

His porn, her pain: confronting America’s porn

panic with honest talk about sex
by Marty Klein, New York, Praeger, 2016, 224 pp., £16.00 (paperback), ISBN
978-1-440-85221-3

Pamela Finnerty

To cite this article: Pamela Finnerty (2019) His porn, her pain: confronting America’s porn panic
with honest talk about sex, Porn Studies, 6:4, 469-471, DOI: 10.1080/23268743.2016.1272825

To link to this article: https://doi.org/10.1080/23268743.2016.1272825

Published online: 25 Jan 2017.

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PORN STUDIES
2019, VOL. 6, NO. 4, 469–477

BOOK REVIEWS

His porn, her pain: confronting America’s porn panic with honest talk about sex,
by Marty Klein, New York, Praeger, 2016, 224 pp., £16.00 (paperback), ISBN 978-1-440-
85221-3

The question ‘What would happen if America was flooded with free high quality porn?’ (p. 6) is
answered by one of the most prominent writers in the world of sex therapy today. Klein’s His
Porn, Her Pain details how the internet’s explosion into American homes and the easy avail-
ability of pornography has overwhelmed the unprepared (which includes almost everybody)
in a society that has ‘significant difficulties regarding sexuality’ (p. 7).
Klein traces the history of how ‘every new technology has been adapted for sexual purposes’
which ‘provokes even more anxiety about the strange new technology, and so these cycles of
technological innovation are almost always followed by outrage and fear’ (p. 6). He describes
how ‘introducing the option of unlimited, free, high-quality, highly varied pornography’ into a
‘volatile mix of ignorance, fear, anger, sexual dissatisfaction, curiosity and sexual cravings’
(p. 15) created a perfect storm of completely predictable results. The principal factor that
Klein identifies is what he describes as a ‘PornPanic’ promoted by moral guardians, self-
appointed or otherwise: ‘That mess … that PornPanic … is still with us’ and ‘drives public
policy, influences parenting, supplies the media’s narratives, and encourages millions of
marital quarrels every year’ (p. 16).
Klein separates fact from fiction as he chronicles the manufacture of this PornPanic which
shapes the cultural narrative about sex in general, and pornography in particular. Claims
made by the anti-porn activists are systematically rebutted. For example, he cites research
which indicates that porn addiction and sex addiction do not actually meet the criteria for
true addiction. Key changes in physical function, symptoms of withdrawal and continuing
use when the activity is no longer pleasurable do not occur and thus, Klein argues, it is hard
to take this claim seriously.
The assertion that ‘Neuroscience proves that watching porn can damage the brain
(especially in the young) and even cause porn addiction’ is countered with reports that
similar changes are seen in the brains of ‘people cuddling puppies, enjoying sunsets and
watching porn. Neuroscientists do not claim that watching porn does anything, this is the
work of activists citing ambiguous reports of neuroscientists, which lay people aren’t trained
to evaluate’ (p. 30).
Armed with conviction and no real data, activists have shifted the narrative from ‘porn is
immoral’ to ‘porn is dangerous … to everyone’ (p. 26). Klein systematically and forcefully
debunks one myth after another, citing research where there is any, and gives numerous
examples of activists overlooking facts in the interest of promoting their agenda as they
stand in the way of funding actual research on the effects of pornography.
The manipulation of the narrative, particularly the public danger model, has a number of
adverse effects:

It gives concerned sweethearts a new, worrisome explanation for their mate’s behavior, while
it gives angry wives and girlfriends justification for saying their partners are doing something
wrong (as opposed to ‘I don’t like it’). It encourages parents to worry rather than talk to their
kids. (p. 31)
470 BOOK REVIEWS

Klein cites data demonstrating that the rates of rape, divorce, suicide and child sexual exploi-
tation have all actually decreased since porn flooded America, while acknowledging that some
people do indeed have trouble managing their porn use. Most critically, it is often not the porn
itself that is the problem, but another issue in a relationship. Partners who will not or cannot
moderate their behaviour are the focus of the therapy, not the porn.
Klein’s descriptions of therapeutic interventions with couples who present with issues about
porn provide invaluable information and strategies for therapists:

I don’t tell couples that porn is good, and I don’t even say watching it is OK. But I do ask what
kind of relationship they want … one in which people make demands and tell each other how
it’s going to be, or a more collaborative arrangement in which two people work together to
resolve their difficulties. (p. 102)

The issues in the couple are often not about the porn itself, but about other grievances and
power dynamics. Porn should be treated like any other conflict ‘because it’s treating porn con-
flicts differently than any other conflicts that sucks a couple into trouble in the first place. If
therapists duplicate that mistake in their treatment there’s a limit to how helpful they can
be’ (p. 102).
Consequently this book provides a valuable contribution to the field, drawing on the knowl-
edge and skill of a therapist in this highly charged environment surrounding sex in general, and
porn in particular. The manipulation of the narrative as well as the facts, not the myths, about
porn equips the therapist to address underlying power struggles and vulnerabilities, and the
often veiled pain and fears that bring the couple to the therapist’s office.
‘When couples argue about whether someone did or didn’t do something wrong by watch-
ing porn, I have to ask about the couple’s contract. Did the porn consumer break an agreement
he made to not watch porn?’ (p. 100). Couples often have not made contracts with one another,
having decided to live together or get married without discussing enough of the details. When
they agree to monogamy they do not clarify what this means, and pornography becomes a
vague and undiscussed arena. Most of the difficulties associated with porn are about ‘anger,
power and poor communication … lack of respect or empathy’ (p. 101). As with other conflicts
about factors such as money or parenting, porn conflicts can be dealt with productively when
people keep mutual goals to the forefront and do not allow the porn to be a distraction. With
this book in their hands, therapists will be better equipped to help couples who present with
porn as their problem. Disentangling the porn issue from the alarmist narrative and treating
porn as just another presenting problem can open the door to exploring the underlying feel-
ings and needs and relationship dynamics that need to be addressed.
When the problem is actually about sex rather than porn, as it so often is, it often can be
worked out and people can be helped to talk honestly about sex. The wide-ranging case
examples chart the disentangling of porn use from a myriad of other sexual issues. For
example, asking the aggrieved partner about a specific complaint, and then discussing the
complaint without an assumption that we know the cause; it might or might not be related
to the porn. Klein chronicles the unfolding of the therapy in case after case, clearly providing
a map to uncover the unspoken. In one case it might be ‘Other than watching porn, what is he
doing or not doing sexually, or in your relationship, that you dislike?’ (p. 104). The approach of
de-emphasizing the porn aspect of the situation and focusing on the lived experience of
people, particularly their pain, requires the establishment of a collaborative space, which
may take extensive work with the couple. But then that requires talking about sex honestly,
which often is very painful:
 PORN STUDIES 471

You can talk about porn for a thousand years … but that’s not the same as talking about ‘I
don’t enjoy sex with you,’ ‘I’m still really hurt about what you said about my body five
years ago’ or ‘You don’t seem to be thinking about me when we make love … ’ (pp. 105–106)

Couples would rather talk about porn than sexual difficulties, and unfortunately many thera-
pists share their hesitation: ‘Today’s PornPanic gives people the perfect excuse for not
talking about sex … by encouraging women to make demands about porn, and encouraging
porn consumers to feel guilty, broken or defiant’ (pp. 105–106). Focusing on pornography as
the problem can stand in the way of understanding the particulars of the two people and
the dynamics of the couple in which porn use has become the presenting problem. Because
the point of sex is to feel glad to be alive, and the job of the couple is to figure out how to
create sex that they enjoy, how is the porn use complaint the driver to seek help in finding
the way towards healing what is not working in the erotic alliance? For some couples, porno-
graphy, which is fantasy, can be a part of the human sexual imaginative process and a contri-
butor to one’s sexual vitality.
Klein’s His Porn, Her Pain is destined to become a key player in the social research and
change the process in which the actual effects of internet pornography – as one of the
many aspects of our suddenly ‘wired’ world – become integrated into our lives and culture.
His wise counsel of reason, research and deeper understanding of exactly what is going on
can substantially contribute to the successful navigation of this vast resource.

Pamela Finnerty
Psychotherapist and Sex Therapist, Washington, D.C., USA
pfinnertyphd@gmail.com
© 2017 Pamela Finnerty
https://doi.org/10.1080/23268743.2016.1272825

Girls who like boys who like boys: women and gay male pornography and
erotica, by Lucy Neville, London, Palgrave Macmillan, 2018, 323 pp., $35.99 (pbk),
ISBN 978-3-030-01296-0

Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys: Women and Gay Male Pornography and Erotica by Lucy Neville
uncovers the world of women’s production of, and engagement with, male on male (m/m)
erotic and sexual (slash) fanfiction, alongside their broader viewing of gay male pornography.
Drawing on a mixed methodology of survey, focus groups and interviews, Neville explores how
women make sense of their writing of m/m slash fanfiction and their viewing of gay male por-
nography, and challenges contemporary assumptions about women’s sexual desires as being
solely premised within monogamy, romantic love and heterosexual reproduction.
Neville starts the book with ‘Welcome to the Freak Show’, an introductory chapter providing
context into previous scholarship exploring women’s consumption of pornography, and
women’s engagement with slash and fandom culture. Particularly, Neville seeks to move
away from standard narratives of women engaging with slash fanfiction as pathological, or
representative of some lack in their lives, and stresses the importance of centring women’s
voices. She concludes with the methodological framing of her research, noting that her pos-
ition as an insider (e.g. someone who also enjoys the reading and writing of m/m slash fanfic-
tion) was pivotal in gaining access to the women she wanted to survey and interview. This is
important, as Neville notes that scholars have often pathologized women’s engagement with
slash and fanfiction, as well as their consumption of romance novels and erotica more broadly.