Cullen Poulos

Parody Paper

November 18, 2020

How to Be A Skater

In order to be a true skateboarder there are many important steps you must

follow. Everybody must know you are a skateboarder: from the way you dress to the

way you act. Skateboarding must become your defining characteristic. You also must

know the rules on the board just as well as the rules for off the board; skatepark

etiquette is a thing of the past. After becoming an official skateboarder you will be able

to hold your head above the rest knowing that you like to live dangerously.

To begin your transition into becoming a full fledged skateboarder you must redo

your entire wardrobe. Style is every skater’s purpose in life, and it shows through their

eccentric outfits. Your outfits must now strictly consist of Dickies work pants that are 7

sizes too large, a shirt with one of three brands on it: Thrasher, Spitfire, or Independent

Trucks, shoes with more holes than swiss cheese, and a beanie that smells like swiss

cheese. To complete the skate look be sure to have a bruise or a scratch here or there.

If you don’t have any bruises or scratches throw on a wrist guard twenty four-seven so

that when people ask about it you can tell them about your epic skating trials and

tribulations.

This leads into the second transformation one must make to be a legitimate

skateboarder: the only thing you will talk about now is skateboarding. If everybody

doesn’t know how much you skate, then are you really even skating? There should not

be a single time where you plan on going to the skatepark without telling all the boys
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and girls at school, even the teachers should be aware of what a radical dare devil you

are. You will often point to the Spitfire or Independent Trucks stickers you have placed

on all of your belongings and claim to everyone around that they are the best, screw the

rest. This will let everyone know the credibility you hold in the skate community; you’ve

been in the game long enough to know what’s good. A good go to conversation with any

girl will be about how you broke your arm last summer taking a gnarly tre flip down this

insane ten stair, but didn’t even feel it; that’s just how tough you are. After everybody

knows that skating has consumed your entire life you can worry about more important

things, like actually skateboarding.

Perhaps the least important aspect to being a skateboarder, is the way you

conduct yourself while on a skateboard. Upon arrival to the skatepark it is a requirement

that you take a picture and update all social media feeds to let everybody know that you

will be commencing in some extreme activities. You actually don’t have to do too much

skating while at the skatepark, the main reason you are there is to look cool. But while

you are there don’t forget to take advantage of the conveniently placed seats all over

the place; don’t mind the angry guys that are skating telling you to get up because they

are actually trying to skate the ledge. If you are so inclined to ride your brand new

skateboard around the park, make sure that you don’t look before taking off; this will

maximize the amount of times you get in other peoples’ way. One thing you must be

sure to do before leaving the skatepark is film at least one clip of you and post it on

social media with a bass boosted rap song and inaudible lyrics in the background. You

can have your friend or a complete stranger film this clip for you. A fun game to play

while getting this clip is to see how many times you can say “one more try I promise,”
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before the filmer decides to go home. The food and drinks placed around the skatepark

are in fact there for everybody to share, so there is no need to bother asking if you can

have some before digging in.

After becoming a proper skateboarder, you will be among the ranks of the greats,

Tony Hawk and Stevey Cab. Although you cannot yet do one, you take pride in the fact

that people yell “do a kickflip” at you as you walk down the sidewalk, skateboard in

hand. You feel accomplished as you now feel life is complete, there is no higher

purpose than that which is to be a skateboarder. You feel as if you are better than those

who are just beginning; they are all just posers and you are a god among mortals. You

will find yourself rising to fame as you go on telling your tales of ambitious trick attempts

and how you were oh so close to landing that game changer.