IMPROVING PARAGRAPHS 171

This strategy is very important. Since the test makers reproduce, in italics, the sen-
tence or sentences that you are asked to work on, you may be tempted to consider these
sentences alone, in isolation. As a member of the 2400 Club, though, you should pru-
dently go back to the passage and consider the italicized portion in context.

Note: There’s no need to refer to the questions first since the essays are basic and easy to under-
stand. By the same token, there’s no need to mark the passage ahead of time with sidebars and
line references, as you do with long-passage critical reading.

PRACTICE TEST QUESTIONS

Directions: The passage below is the unedited draft of a student essay. Some of the
essay needs to be rewritten to make the meaning clearer and more precise. Read
the essay carefully.

The essay is followed by questions about changes that might improve all or parts of its
organization, development, sentence structure, use of language, appropriateness to the
audience, or use of standard written English. In each case, choose the answer that most
clearly and effectively expresses the student’s intended meaning. Indicate your choice by
filling in the corresponding space on the answer sheet.

(1) Some parents feel that having a child focus on one sport at an early
age is a good idea. (2) Others feel that pigeon-holing a child at an early age
is bad. (3) The middle ground believes that exposing children to a variety
of sports while young is the best idea, still these parents believe that hav-
ing a child maintain some consistency with a particular sport, whether
soccer or baseball, for example, is also advisable.
(4) Why not take the lead from your child? (5) Let him or her indicate
to you whether he enjoys the hustle-bustle and challenge involved with
participating in a variety of team or individual-oriented sports, or let him
show you how he prefers sticking to that tennis game or to keep on with
that swim team. (6) Whichever the case, be sure that three golden rules
apply to your child’s game; good sportsmanship, good attitude, and mak-
ing a solid effort. (7) Think back to your childhood and the sports and
activities you really liked or disliked. (8) Trust your child’s feelings about
the sports that are best for him.
(9) One should keep foremost in mind the reasons why sports involve-
ment is important. (10) Team membership offers a child a sense of
belonging and unity. (11) Team membership also teaches a child disci-
pline and commitment. (12) More than this, being on a team fosters a
healthy sense of working with others. (13) Of course, physical fitness is
another strong reason to encourage your child’s participation in sports.
(14) Overarching, the positives of team-sports participation far outweighs
the negatives.
172 THE WRITING SECTIONS
1. Which of the following is the best revi-
sion of the underlined portion of sen-
tence 5 (reproduced below)?
Let him or her indicate to you whether he
enjoys the hustle-bustle and challenge
involved with participating in a variety of
team or individual-oriented sports, or let
him show you how he prefers sticking to
that tennis game or to keep on with that
swim team.
(A) (As it is now)
(B) or let them show you how they pre-
fer sticking to that game of tennis
or keeping on with that team for
swimming
(C) or let her show you how she prefers
sticking to that tennis game or
keeping on with the swim team
(D) why not let him show you how he
prefers sticking to that tennis game
or keeping on with that swim team
(E) having them show you how or why
not preferring tennis or swimming
is their thing
2. Which of the following is the best revi-
sion of the underlined portion of sen-
tence 6 (reproduced below)?
Whichever the case, be sure that three
golden rules apply to your child’s game;
good sportsmanship, good attitude, and
making a solid effort.
(A) (As it is now)
(B) in your child’s game; good sports-
manship, good attitude and making
a solid effort.
(C) for your child’s game: good sports-
manship, good attitude and making
a good and solid effort.
(D) to your child’s game: good sports-
manship, good attitude, and solid
effort.
(E) to your child’s game, which are the
qualities of being a good sport, hav-
ing a good attitude, and making a
solid effort
3. To maintain paragraph cohesiveness,
which sentence should be deleted from
paragraph 2?
(A) sentence 4
(B) sentence 5
(C) sentence 6
(D) sentence 7
(E) sentence 8
4. Which is the best version of sentence 14
(reproduced below)?
Overarching, the positives of team-sports
participation far outweighs the negatives.
(A) (As it is now)
(B) Overall, the positives of team-sports
participation far outweigh the neg-
atives.
(C) Overall, the positives of participat-
ing in team-sports far outweigh the
negatives.
(D) Overally, the positive elements of
team-sports participating far out-
weigh the negative aspects.
(E) Overall, the positiveness of team
sports majorly outweigh the nega-
tivity.
 IMPROVING PARAGRAPHS 173

ANSWERS AND EXPLANATIONS

1. C 2. D 3. D 4. C

1. (C)
(A): Lacks parallel form
(B): The plural “them” does not agree with the singular “him or her.”
(C): Singular pronoun “her” is correct; “sticking to” and “keeping on” are parallel
gerunds
(D): Creates a run-on (comma splice) sentence
(E): Very awkward

2. (D)
(A) and (B): A semicolon should not be used to introduce a list.
(C): Members of comma series are not parallel
(D): Is concise and correct
(E): Unnecessarily wordy

3. (D)
(A): Sentence 4 is an effective, rhetorical question that serves as a topic sentence.
(B) and (C): Sentences 5 and 6 develop the topic.
(D): Sentence 7 is nostalgic, yet not cohesive with (logically related to) the rest of the
paragraph
(E): Sentence 8 is an effective closing sentence.

4. (C)
(A): Subject–verb agreement error
(B): The term “team-sports participation” is a mouthful.
(C): Smooth and clear. Replace “overarching” with “overall.” “Overarching” is an
adjective meaning “encompassing” or “comprehensive.”
(D): “Overally” is not a word.
(E): Subject–verb agreement error and awkward
180 THE WRITING SECTIONS

28. Upon receiving my friend’s Christmas
A
card this year, I am so happy to see that
B C
her three young children are as beautiful
30. To rejoice in the holiday season, the
fourth graders assembled in the
A
computer lab to put on a marvelous

and radiant like I remember them. presentation for their parents that
D B
No error includes a power-point presentation,
E C
portraying a family tradition, followed by
D
29. After mulling over long lists of dog
A B a family cookie exchange in the cozy
names that they printed off the Internet,
library. No error
E
the Mardis had finally narrowed down
C
the choices for their chocolate-brown

puppy to their three favorites: Mocha,

D
Coco, and Baci. No error
E

Directions: The passage below is the unedited draft of a student essay. Some of the
essay needs to be rewritten to make the meaning clearer and more precise. Read the
essay carefully.

The essay is followed by questions about changes that might improve all or parts of its
organization, development, sentence structure, use of language, appropriateness to the
audience, or use of standard written English. In each case, choose the answer that most
clearly and effectively expresses the student’s intended meaning. Indicate your choice by
filling in the corresponding space on the answer sheet.

(1) Only a Mother knows the highs and lows of child-rearing today.
(2) Raising loving, unspoiled, balanced children who have desirable attrib-
utes these days can be an overwhelming enterprise. (3) It requires consis-
tent devotion to tender feelings, routines, school work, and growing
friendships. (4) Caring for children who require endless energy, yet noth-
ing comes close to glimpsing the look of contentment and self-worth that
can be seen in your children’s eyes, if you take the time to notice, at the
end of an enjoyable day spent together.
(5) A motherhood memoir should not breed a litany of complaints.
(6) Likewise it should not construct an image of perfection: daily routines
 2400 CLUB GRAND MIXTURE 181

that are perfectly planned, neatly wrapped, prepackaged, and leisurely

waiting its flawless execution.
(7) If I were to compose one, mine would be those of an ordinary and
devoted mother who, despite exhaustion and a weary voice brought on by
endless communication with her young children, cannot sleep—for the
highlights of her day spent with her children flash like summer night fire-
flies in her mind’s eye.
(8) Since I am a dedicated optimist, I would choose to focus on the
highs of our days, and not the lows of our days. (9) Let’s not lose sight of
the profusion of smiles and excited ideas that outweigh kids’ meltdowns
and strident voices. (10) Rejoice in the carefree flutter of summer play,
long days of recreation that used to be ours when we were very young.
(11) I feel privileged to have the time and the desire to run through a
backyard sprinkler with my boys, to fill smooth and cool water balloons,
then to have a catch, to enjoy raspberry and lime ice pops together, then
seeing which one of us can throw the stick the farthest. (12) I feel lucky
to have a sunny deck to lounge out on, listening to dance music pump
through the outdoor speakers.
(13) After all, despite being on the go and on call all day long, I relish the
late evening when my boys are finally asleep at night and, as always, they
appear to me as “perfect little angels,” just as on the day they were born.

31. Which of the following is the best revi- 32. Of the following, which is the best revi-
sion of sentence 2 (reproduced below)? sion of the underlined portion of sen-
tence 4 (reproduced below)?
Raising loving, unspoiled, balanced chil-
dren who have desirable attributes these Caring for children who require endless
days can be an overwhelming enterprise. energy, yet nothing comes close to glimps-
ing the look of contentment and self-worth
(A) (As it is now)
that can be seen in your children’s eyes, if
(B) Children who have desirable attrib-
you take the time to notice, at the end of an
utes like lovingness, unspoiledness,
enjoyable day spent together.
and balance can be an overwhelm-
ing enterprise these days. (A) (As it is now)
(C) Raising loving, unspoiled, balanced (B) who requires endless energy, yet
children who have desirable attrib- (C) that are requiring endless energy, and
utes can be an overwhelming (D) requires endless energy, yet
enterprise. (E) requiring endless amounts of energy,
(D) When it comes to raising children and yet
with attributes to be desired, a lov-
ing and unspoiled and balanced
nature, its an overwhelming enter-
prise today.
(E) These days, raising loving,
unspoiled, balanced children can
be an overwhelming enterprise.
182 THE WRITING SECTIONS

33. Which of the following demonstrates the
best way to revise the underlined portion
of sentence 6 (reproduced below)?
Likewise it should not construct an image
of perfection: daily routines that are per-
fectly planned, neatly wrapped, prepack-
aged, and leisurely waiting its flawless
execution.
(A) (As it is now)
(B) and, all the while, leisurely awaiting
their flawless execution
(C) and leisurely waiting execution, flaw-
lessly
(D) and leisurely waiting their flawless
execution
(E) and, with leisure, awaiting its flaw-
less execution
34. Which of the following best replaces the
word “one” in sentence 7?
(A) a well-adjusted child
(B) an honest memoir
(C) a sense of self-esteem
(D) a reality check
(E) a novel
35. Which of the following represents the
best way to deal with sentence 11 (repro-
duced below)?
I feel privileged to have the time and the
desire to run through a backyard sprinkler
with my boys, to fill smooth and cool water
balloons, then to have a catch, to enjoy rasp-
berry and lime ice pops together, then seeing
which one of us can throw the stick the fur-
thest.
(A) Leave it as it is.
(B) Delete it.
(C) Elaborate on how the mother
makes her free time.
(D) Divide it into two sentences and
change “seeing” to “to see.”
(E) Move it to the introductory para-
graph, and explain what it means
to “feel privileged.”
36. Which of the following represents the
best way to deal with sentence 13 (repro-
duced below)?
After all, despite being on the go and on
call all day long, I relish the late evening
when my boys are finally asleep at night
and, as always, they appear to me as “per-
fect, little angels,” just as on the day they
were born.
(A) Leave it as it is.
(B) Connect it to the preceding para-
graph (paragraph 4).
(C) Break it down into two sentences,
and delete some wording.
(D) Delete it entirely.
(E) Break it down into three sentences
by using two semicolons.

ANSWERS AND EXPLANATIONS

1. C 7. C 13. D 19. E 25. C 31. E
2. D 8. B 14. E 20. A 26. D 32. D
3. C 9. E 15. D 21. C 27. D 33. D
4. E 10. A 16. D 22. B 28. D 34. B
5. A 11. B 17. A 23. D 29. C 35. D
6. E 12. B 18. B 24. C 30. C 36. C