Hamlet II

By Sam Bobrick

Horatio: Hamlet, I’m going to lay something heavy on thee. Hopest that thou art prepared to
accept it in the bravest of fashion.

Hamlet: Hey, come on, Horatio, I’m a prince, I’m made of sterling.

Horatio: Okay, last night on this castle wall I saw the ghost of your dead father.

Hamlet: (sarcastic) The ghost of my father. (He takes a beat and then faints into HORATIO’S
arms.)

Ghost: Hamlet!

Hamlet: Father!

Ghost: Listen son, I’m in a bit of a jam and I could use your help.

Hamlet: Whatever you want father, whatever you need.

Ghost: Well, it’s like this. I was under a tree in my pear orchard taking a snooze when your
Uncle Claudius came over and poisoned my ear.

Hamlet: He poisoned your ear? Of all the stupid ways to kill someone.

Ghost: Take it from a guy who was there, it works.

Hamlet: So it was Uncle Claudius. I knew he had something to do with it.

Ghost: He wanted my crown and your mother. Any who, I’m dead now and I want to go to
heaven, except they got a rule that says, if you’re murdered and your son doesn’t avenge you,
you can’t go. So what do you say, Hamlet, do you want to get involved?

Hamlet: You…want me to kill Uncle Claudius?

Ghost: That’s right. Nothing too elaborate. A cut throat, a dagger in the heart, a bad piece of
fish…

Hamlet: Look, can I have a few days to think it over?

Ghost: You shall avenge me, or I’ll tell everyone your real name is Betty.

Hamlet: (quickly) Oh, I’ll avenge you, sweet Father, if it’s the last thing I do.

Ghost: Well, I’ll see you around Hamlet.

Hamlet: Wait! One other thing, sweet father!

Ghost: Make it fast. I’ve only got till the cock crows.

Hamlet: That’s okay. Today we turned the cocks back an hour. But I want to know. What’s it
like to be dead?

Ghost: Have you ever been to New Jersey?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Claudius: Darling.

Gertrude: What, Dear?

Claudius: I’m really worried about our son.

Gertrude: Really?

Claudius: Yes, He seems so childish, so immature, He seems to have regressed.

Hamlet: Hello, Cookie Monster…Hello, Hamlet. Will you play with me?...Do I have to? It’s my
hand…Let’s play choo choo. (exit)

Gertrude: (a beat) Regressed? In what way has Mommy’s little angel regressed?

Claudius: I’m not sure. I just feel he has.

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Hamlet: To be or not to be. That is the question. Do I get involved in this family domestic
druvel, which could go on forever, or do I end it all by killing myself, which is really kind of
stupid when you realize someday all of Denmark will be mine—which actually is another good
reason for killing myself. (pause) And that dopey father of mine. Some kind of terrific father to
have his only son comm. It murder for him.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Hamlet: You sent for me, Mommy Dearest?

Gertrude: Don’t you Mommy Deareset me, you little rascal. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I
know what’s on your mind.

Hamlet: What speakest thou, Mother?

Gertrude: All this nonsense about not wanting to call Claudius “daddy”, You hate him, don’t
you?

Hamlet: Yes, of course I hate him. I loathe him. I despise him.

Gertrude: Good, get it out of your system, Mama’s little man.

Hamlet: (drawing his sword) I’d love to run him through, you head me? Rip his guts right out…

Gertrude: Such passion. Such raw, savage, sweaty passion. I love it.

Hamlet: (slashing) Take this and this and this and this…

Polonius: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Gertrude: What was that?

Hamlet: It’s Polonius. I stabbed Polonius.

Polonius: I am dying. It hurts like the dickens.

Gertrude: You’ve killed Polonius!!

Ghost: (floating down) Oh Jezz, did you do this? You know, you got the wrong guy, right?

Hamlet: I know, I know.

Gertrude: (puzzled) Honey, who are you talking to?

Hamlet: To the gost of my father. You know, the ghost of your former husband. Don’t you see
him?

Gertrude: (backing away from Hamlet in fright) OH, my poor son. That he is mad, ‘tis true, ‘tis
true; ‘tis pity and pity ‘tis, ‘tis true. (faints)

Hamlet: Gee, I hope I haven’t upset Mum. (sits)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Horatio: Hamlet, I come with a message form King Claudius. He wants you and Laertes to make
up.

Hamlet: Done!

Horatio: And to prove that there is no more bad blood between you he has arranged a friendly
duel.
Hamlet: A duel to show our friendship? Couldn’t we just go out together and have a couple of
beers?

Horatio: It’s what the king has asked for.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Claudius: Yes, a friendly duel is the answer. Except that the tip of your sword shall have no
guard on it.

Laertes: I like that.

Claudius: And it shall be dipped in poison.

Laertes: I like that.

Claudius: And I shall also poison his wine.

Laertes: I like that, too.

Claudius: I’ll sprinkle poison on his toilet paper.

Laertes: And if that doesn’t work, I’ll kill him.

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Claudius: How about a cup of wine before the big fight, Hamlet?

Hamlet: NO, thank you.

Claudius: (Producing a roll of toilet paper) Then how about some toilet paper for your nose?

Hamlet: Um, I don’t need anything.

Claudius: (frustrated his plan didn’t work) Fine. Now, let’s get on with the match. I want
everything to be fair and square. Here’s for you, Laertes. (hands Laertes a big and heavy
extravagant sword) And this one’s for you. (withdraws a short little dagger)

Hamlet: (Looks at sword and then at audience) That’s okay, I don’t mind, for I have learned to
be happy with my lot.

Ghost: Okay, Hamlet, you got the sword, now go get the King.

Hamlet: Uggghh, not you again! Stand out of the way, you omiserable Ghost.
Ghost: I’m not going anywhere until you get rid of that rotten brother of mine. Onest and for all.
You must avenge me.

Laertes: (Leaps to Hamlet) Okay, Hamlet, en garde.

Hamlet: Later.

Horatio: So, listen, Hamlet, as your friend as well as your pal… I’d like to say…AAAAaahhh!

Hamlet: (directed at Ghost) Now look what you made me do!

Ghost: You know, you’re not going to have many friends left…

Laertes: (jumps in again) Hamlet!

Gertrude: All this excitement gives me a thirst.

Claudius: (alarmed) Don’t drink that wine!

Gertrude: Why not?

Claudius: I can’t say…but do you know any single girls in town?

Laertes: Fight me, or I’ll kill you.

Gertrude: Hamlet, Hamlet!!!

Hamlet: (spins around, stabbing Laertes) What?!

Laertes: Ahh! I perish.

Hamlet: I’m sorry this had to end like this.

Gertrude: Hamlet, Hamlet!!!

Hamlet: (drops the sword and runs) Mother!

Gertrude: I’m dying, the wine was poisoned.

Hamlet: Are you sure, Mother? Maybe it was just a bad year.