156 | EXPLORATION STAGE and the helper provides restatements that do not encapsulate the con- tent accurately, the client can clarify what she or he means so both the client and helper can understand the situation better. Restatements thus allow clients a chance to clarify helpers’ mistaken impressions. a If your restatement or summary is totally wrong, that is not neces- sarily a disaster for the relationship (unless of course the helper has been] dismissive, judgmental, or critical). One misstep does not undo the thera. peutic relationship, as long as the helper demonstrates the willingness to “| keep listening to try to understand more. EXAMPLE OF RESTATEMENTS 4 The following shows a helper using restatements (in italics) ina session: Client: Uhaye to go ona pilgrimage to Mecca. I don’t really want to go because it’s the middle of my last semes- ter in college and I’m worried that my grades will suffer if I leave for 2 weeks, but I don’t have much choice. According to my religion, I have to go. ‘ Helper: You have to go. ‘ Client: Yeah, for my religion, we all have to do a pilgrimage ‘ before we get married. It’s just expected. My father has to go with me because a man has to be on the pilgrimage, but I don't have a very good relation- ship with him, and he’s not well, so I don’t know if he can withstand the rigors of the trip. The last time he went with my brother, it was pretty disastrous. Helper: You said you don’t have a very good relationship with ‘your father. Client; Right. He wasn't around much when I was grow- ing up. He was always too busy. And now to spend 2 weeks with him is a lot. I don’t even know what we could talk about. I feel like I don’t know him, 1 get anxious just thinking about spending a lot of time with him, But on the other hand, Iwish [knew ‘him better, so maybe this is an opportunity to get to know him. Helper: You wish you knew him better. Client: Yeah, really know him. I've always wanted to have a good relationship with him. People say that we're a lot alike. And he could teach me a lot about my religion and culture, things 1 don’t know much about, given that I came to the United States when I was very young, Helper: So you could learn something from your father. ‘ 4Skills for Exploring Thoughts and Narratives Client: Oh, yeah, [think I could learn a lot from him, He is a wise person. I just hope I can be myself with him. I've always felt like such a little kid, and I would rather feel like an adult with him the way T can with my mother. Helper: Feel like an adult. Client: Yeah, want to feel like myself when Iam around him, Iwant to be able to behave like I do with other people. I want to get to know him as a person instead of feeling afraid of him. (Client continues to explore.) DIFFICULTIES HELPERS EXPERIENCE IN RESTATING Many helpers initially feel awkward and stilted using restatements because in everyday social communication people do not typically para- phrase what another person has said. Many beginning helpers worry that clients will feel annoyed and say something like “I just said that.” In fact, the reaction of clients is usually quite different when they are given a good restatement—they feel heard and are eager to explore more. Once students learn how to use restatements, they can be useful not only in helping relationships but also with friends and family to demon- strate that one is really listening. Another difficulty beginning helpers face is sounding like parrots if they continually use the same format to introduce restatements (c.g., “T hear you saying . . .) or if they repeat clients’ messages verbatim. Clients often get annoyed with parroting and become distracted from focusing on their concerns. In a related vein, some helpers are so afraid of making a mistake when choosing key aspects of clients’ messages that they repeat everything, taking the focus off the client and halting the flow of the interchange. Not surprisingly, clients quickly become bored and annoyed with such restatements, saying things like, “That's what I just said.” Moreover, clients might feel stuck and aimless when, restatements are mere repetitions of what they have said. By choosing the key components, focusing on the “cutting edge” of clients’ concerns, varying the format, and keeping the restatements short, helpers can deal with these problems. It is also important to focus on being empathic rather than restating robotically. Some helpers get so caught up in cap- turing the content accurately that they forget the most important thing is to show the client that they are struggling to hear and make sense of what the client is saying. Some helpers feel frustrated when they use restatements because they feel they are not “doing” anything or giving the client specific 187