Essay Preparation – Alone – ORIGINAL VERSION

Plan
Beginning
New York Subway with Kesh

Going to Central Park to do Roller Skating

Middle
Forget blades in carriage
Get separated from Kesh
Get pursued by stranger in the subway
Change trains, still pursued
End
Stranger returns camera, he was friendly after all
ALONE
Kesh yelled “This is it” as the subway train screeched to a halt. He leapt
off with his back pack in one hand and his New York map in the other.
I grabbed my jacket and also alighted from the train. As I did so I saw
my roller skates through the glass window on my seat.
“Wait!” I yelped, “My skates!”
Against the crowd I pushed my way back in to the carriage and grabbed
my bag.
To my disbelief, as I turned to exit the doors rolled shut with a thud.
I could see Kesh miming something but it was not clear to me what he
was saying.
A thousand thoughts entered my mind immediately. How will I find Kesh
again in the vastness of New York ? What will our parents say? Do I
have a contact telephone number for them? In which hotel were we
staying in? My mind was blank.
Just then a tall black unshaven man with a dark full length coat leaned
over and said in a chilling voice, “All alone, buddy?”
My heart skipped a beat and then was thumping like a drum. Dad had
told me never to talk to strangers. I looked around the musty carriage
and pretended that I had not heard him.
All the other passengers had buried their heads in books, papers and
magazines. Outside the carriage the tunnel lights flashed by and the
noise was unbearable.
The train screeched to a halt and the doors slid open and I bolted out of
the carriage not daring to look back. I raced up the nearest stairway as
fast as my legs would carry me barging people who were all walking in
the other direction.
I saw another stairway and ran down them as fast as I could, it lead to
another platform. By now my palms were sweaty and I was desperately

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looking around for help but all I could see were more unsavoury
characters.
Just then another train thundered into the station. At the top of the
stairs I spied the tall dark figure and he had spotted me too. I jumped
into the nearest carriage as he careered down the stairs.
This carriage was dingier than the last. There were light bulbs missing,
seats torn, glass was strewn all over the floor and graffiti adorned the
walls. There was not a friendly face in sight.
To my horror I saw the man again, eyes red with anger, striding towards
me. I turned and hurtled through the doors leading to the next carriage.
I barged past everyone without a care. I glanced over my shoulder, he
was gaining on me!
I had reached the last door, no more carriages. I was cornered! My legs
turned to jelly. Just then the train stopped and the doors rolled open. I
darted onto the platform and almost knocked over Kesh. I looked over
my shoulder and there was the man holding my camera.
He pushed it into my hands and said “Welcome to New York , buddy!”
and marched off down the platform before I could thank him.
It seems I was never alone!
THE END

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Essay Preparation - Alone
Plan
Beginning
New York Subway with Kesh

Going to Central Park to do Roller Skating

Middle
Forget blades in carriage
Get separated from Kesh
Get pursued by stranger in the subway
Change trains, still pursued
End
Stranger returns camera, he was friendly after all
ALONE
Kesh yelled, “This is it !” as the subway train screeched to a halt. He
leapt off with his back pack in one hand and his New York map in the
other.
I grabbed my jacket and also (not needed) alighted from the train. As I
did so, I saw my roller skates through the glass window, on my seat.
“Wait!” I yelped, “My skates!”
Against the crowd, I pushed my way back in to the carriage , and
grabbed my bag.
To my disbelief, as I turned to exit , the doors rolled shut with a thud.
I could see Kesh miming something , but it was not clear to me what he
was saying.
A thousand thoughts entered my mind immediately. How will I find Kesh
again in the vastness of New York ? What will our parents say? Do I
have a contact telephone number for them? In which hotel were we
staying in? My mind was blank. ( try just 3 repetitions)
Just then , a tall , black , unshaven man , with a dark full-length
coat , leaned over and said , in a chilling voice, “All alone, buddy?”
My heart skipped a beat and then was thumping like a drum. Dad had
told me never to talk to strangers. I looked around the musty carriage
and pretended that I had not heard him.
All the other passengers had buried their heads in books, papers and
magazines. Outside the carriage , the tunnel lights flashed by and the
noise was unbearable.
The train screeched to a halt and the doors slid open . and (not
needed) I bolted out of the carriage , not daring to look back. I raced up
the nearest stairway as fast as my legs would carry me , barging people
who were all (remove) walking in the other direction.

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I saw another stairway , and ran down them( it) as fast as I could . It
lead to another platform. By now , my palms were sweaty and I was
desperately looking around for help , but all I could see were more
unsavoury characters.
Just then , another train thundered into the station. At the top of the
stairs , I spied the tall , dark , figure and he had spotted me too. I
jumped into the nearest carriage , as he careered down the stairs.
This carriage was dingier than the last. There were light bulbs missing,
seats torn, glass was ( remove) strewn all over the floor and graffiti
adorned the walls. There was not a friendly face in sight.
To my horror I saw the man again, eyes red with anger, striding towards
me. I turned and hurtled through the doors leading to the next carriage.
I barged past everyone , without a care. I glanced over my shoulder, he
was gaining on me!
I had reached the last door, no more carriages ; I was cornered! My legs
turned to jelly. Just then- try to use different words, the train stopped
and the doors rolled open. I darted onto the platform and almost
knocked over Kesh. I looked over my shoulder , and there was the man
holding my camera.
He pushed it into my hands and said , “Welcome to New York , buddy!”
and marched off down the platform , before I could thank him.
It seems I was never alone! ( It seems I never was alone, after all)

THE END

Comments: Really great essay- well done! The use of commas is

everybody’s downfall. Keep reading your sentences through, as if you
were making a presentation, and think about where you pause. You
have used some great adjectives- try and use more similes and
metaphors, e.g. the train was as dark as night; I bolted out of the
carriage like a hare being chased by a fox etc. Careful you don’t over do
the paragraphs- remember TIp- TOp (Time, person, topic, place)

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