December 16, 2008

From my Diary

Just Remembering…

It’s been nine months since I wrote to my diary, now I’m writing coz’ I don’t know what I
feel today.

I am always praying for the right guy for me. Christian of course, responsible enough, may
matutunan ako, lovable, kahit hindi gwapo.(ayoko sa gwapo kc marami ako kaagaw!)music
lover, mabait, masasakyan mga jokes at kabliwan ko. These are the characteristics of my
ideal guy. Kaya nga I’m praying for na kung bibigyan ako ni Lord ng Life time partner sana
yung ideal guy ko. Pero syempre, God only knows who will be the best one he will give for
us.

I don’t know what I feel now for someone. It happens that I met this simple but a little
bit crazy guy. Mabait sya, nagkakilala kami sa camp in Calumpang, Quezon. First impression
ko sa kanya “suplado and unapproachable” siguro dahil una pa lang kami mgkakakilala. First
impression never last. As I get along with him in the camp, unti unti ngbago. We became
groupmates. “Green team“and that time medyo nababasa ko na ugali nya, hindi nman pla
suplado at unapproabale. Mabait naman pala, medyo maloko din. Hehehe, Maloko in a way
that he can throw funny jokes hehehe. During the camp, he joined in the singing
competition, Duet division. Maganda pala boses nya.. kahit matinis, nkakapatayo ng
balahibo.Maganda yung pagkakanta nila ( para tuloy gumwapo sa paningin ko hehehe sana
wag nya to mabsa),, kya nanalo yung team naming sa duet. Here it is, last night na ng camp.
And we had a bonfire fellowship, Masaya at nkkablessed yung nga testimonies ng young
people,, their different experience during the camp. I’d notice na friendly din pala itong
guy na itoFriends na kami. Andami nya kakakilala, hmm palagi kc sya sumasama sa camp, kya
he knows some of them. Nkakablessed itong ang fellow worker na ito,, Bible student pal
sya. Hindi kami masyado nkapgfellowship antok n kc ako that time. I thought after that
camp, our friendship was over but I was wrong. Because of cell phones, thru texting our
friendship continues. The first time he texted me was on my 18 th birthday, I received
greetings from him and from some of his church mates. Nagtataka how did he know that it
was my birthday, eh nakalimutan kop ala naisabi ko sa kanila ang birth date ko. Kala ko limut
na nya. I was surprised by then, hindi pa nakontento sa greeting text nya, tumawag pa sya
gamit and cell phone number ng kaibagan nyang c Emman. Syang daw free call ng kaibgan
nya. Heheh First time na may ng greet sa akin by phone call na lalaki. Kadalasan kasi
personal or text.. pero I was happy on that day. That was the start na palagi na kaming
mgkatext. I remember the first verse I shared with him, kasi pressured sa studies nya.
Psalms 62:8

Habang tumatagal mas lalo kong nakikilala ang guy na ito, kahit magkalayo kami. Hindi
masasayang ang bawat sandali kapag katext at kausap ko sya, marami akong natutunan,
bawat cnasabi nya my katapat misan na bible verse, he is such a bible believer, faithful sa
Gawain ng Panginoon kaya tuloy nakakainspire na maging faithful servant.

Here comes another camp at Puerto Real Quezon, this camp was different from the first
one very formal at mas marami, iba’t ibang pastors from different churches nakilala ko,
and this was the first time na umattend sa camp na ito, sabi kasi dati isa lang ang camp sa
Quezon, pero ngsplit daw due to some misunderstanding, hmmm anyways, andami preaching
at talagang nakakarevived, challenging para sa mga young people. Before man lang kami
makarating sa puerto real eh andaming aberya ang nangyari, anjan yung nawalan kami ng
service, kaya bongang bonga na ngcommute kami,,kakahilo sa byahe pro worth it naman,
praise God nakrating kami ng maayos.

Sa pagdating naming noon, unang nakaagaw ng pansin ko was him, siya at yung kachurch
mate nya ang sumalubong sa amin, wow todo smile sya,, ang cute nya pla kapag nakasmile,
hehe  . hmm again and again we’re still group mates “green team” uli heheh, and as I’ve
noticed his always on my side, he was my seatmate during preaching the whole camp,
nakikisabay din sa pagkain, nakakahalata na rin ako na there was a spark in his eyes every
time we see each other, I don’t know why, medyo nkakakilig pero palagay ko nga my crush
sa akin itong guy na to, but I just ignore my intuition.mas okay na ignore ko na lang yung
intuition before I fall him,and so that I can know him better. Bago pa lang naman kami
magkakilala eh,. During our siesta time in our camp, we talked and throw some corny jokes
kapag ngprapraktis kami ng SKIT para sa last night presentation. Ang saya kakulitan ng
green team pasaway din kasi itong lalaki na to, andaming kalokohan, hehe, and Finally last
night ng camp, dress to kill, banquet night and last kick off preaching the most awaited
part, before kasi ako sumama sa camp na to I’m praying for the revival, and God did not
failed me, first preaching pa lang n narinig ko ay talagang nakakarevived na, and for me it
was such a great blessings that time I was convicted and I commit to God to be faithful
servant that will give glory to Him. After nang banquet night ay my bonfire fellowship,
super antok na ako nun, pero hindi ako nakatulog nakijoin ako sa fellowship, and Masaya nga,
nawala yung antok ko, noong una ibang youth ang mga kabonding ko, but later on this guy
came and sit beside me nkipagkwentuhan siya the whole night till early in the morning,
andami ko nalaman sa personal sa buhay nya, at natutunan sa kanya, my sense at masaya
siyang kausap, and I feel comfortable with him, siguro natutuwa lang ako sa kanya pero I
don’t know why my intuition on him was sinking in my mind, and I insisted to myself, the
way he reacted and treated me is just a friendly and brother and sister in Christ matter.
No more no less. Pero hindi ko maiwsan na fall in love sa kanya, madali p naman ako mafall in
love. Cguro nga I fell in love with him.. I always wanted to be special in his sight, and he is
special to me.gusto ko mn sabahin sa kanya .. pero nahihiya ako.. siya rin naman kasi
nahihiya din.. Mas okay rin na ganito na lang, pareho kaming special sa isa’t isa pero
natatakot na mgka aminan, pereho kming takot sa rejection.. and at the same time ayoko ng
commitment, hindi ko pa kayang iprioritized..

Pero hndi ko naman alam gagawin kung sakaling dumaing yung panahon na mawala na yung
special feelings na nararamdaman namin sa isa’t isa. May hangganan namn kasi ang isng
bagay, gaya ng tao.

March 21, 2010

“M U”

Eto nanaman, ikaw na naman ang naiisip ko.. Aminin ko man nalulungkot ako ngayon, namimiss
ko yung dati… yung katext ka, kabiruan, kaasaran, kakwentuhan.. masayado akong nasanay
na naandiyan ka plagi.. kahit nga magkalayo tayo and siguro ganun talga, “nothings
permanent”.

Ano bang nangyari? Bakit nawala ka? Or Ako ba ang nawala? May nagawa ba akong
kasalanan? Ano? Mga katanungang hindi ko masagot.. bigla ka na lng kasing naglaho.. hindi k
na ngtext.. kung mgtetext ka man sa akin.. hindi na gaya ng dati.. ramdam ko ung sweetness
mo,, pero ngayon coldness ang nararamdaman ko..  kaya nakakapanibago.. 2008 ng tayo’y
magkakilala sa camp.. And we became close, and more than that, you became special and
important to me.. And I felt the same that I’m special to you.. pero may hangganan din pala
yung sayo.. sa bagay lalaki ka.. madali para sayo makahanap ng panibago.. sa akin..
matatagalan pa siguro bago ako ako makget over sayo..i feel hurt and a little bit broken.
Hindi man naging tayo, pero gaya ng sabi ko,, isa ka sa mga mahahalagang tao sa buhay ko.
Ang laki ng naging bahagi mo sa buhay ko. You inspire me to grow and be matured enough.

Special ka, pero I admit hindi p kita kayang iprioritized as of now.. busy ako sa studies..
And I want my parents to be proud of me,, syempre I’m the eldest kaya pressure ako.. Kaya
nga ng maging special ka sa akin nadagdagan ang inspiration ko sa pagaaral at pagabot ng
pangarap ko.. isa ka sa nagpapasaya sa akin.. Pero ngayong bigla kang nawala at hindi ko alam
kung bakit.. nabawasan ang inspiration ko.. Pero “Life must go on.. “

Noong unang araw na pakiramdam ko na wala ka na,..you stop communicating with me grabe
ang lungkot ko.. lalo’t hindi ka man lang nagpaalam.. yun pa naman ang ayaw ko.. hindi
nagpapaalam at yung nangiiwan nakakapagtampo.. kaya ngayon.. kahit gustuhin ko man
kontakin ka,I prefer not to text or call you.. kasi balita ko Masaya ka na daw nagyon, kahit
busy sa school..And Masaya na rin akong malaman na Masaya ka na.. And noong panahon I
been sharing my crazy life with you siguro there were times na hindi ka man lang naging
happy,sometimes I ignore some of your sweetness and care. Hndi ko man lang naiparamdam
sayo how much you special to me pakiramadam mo oucast ka lagi, natatakot kasi ako
masaktan in the end pano magkalayo tayo,kaso parang mas masakit pala ang ganito, hindi ko
man lang nasabi sayo at naiparamdam na special ka. Kaya totoo rin ung physics principle sa
long distance relationship “As the distance increases, the force of attraction decreases.”
Kahit pa nga sinabi mo sa akin na “distance is not a hindrance to love but it is a matter of
showing it no matter how far and no matter what happen”..pero may mga bagay na kahit
ayaw natin mangyari, it will happen.. Like what happen to us..hindi ko alam kung tapos na ba
or what, Its “unfinished business”. hmmm everything happens for a reason.. We’re not both
ready into any commitments. And maybe its God will for us to be a right and be more
matured person, I thank God for letting me know him... I will always treasure and cherish
him. I hope that if our road cross again there’s no gap between us and the unanswered
questions be answered by then.

And maybe this is not the right time for us. Or there’s no right time for us…and this is
what you called MU –malabong usapan/, magulong usapan-

And from this experienced, I learned so much – how to appreciate the things around us,
that time is so precious and never waste it, how to be happy alone but there is dependency
upon God, how to accept the things that are not meant to be and learn to let go, and face
the new challenges that awaits us. Always trust the heavenly Father. What a bittersweet
end.
 February 19, 2011

It’s been a year and l finally move on.. hindi ko n sya naalala gaya ng dati. And tanggap ko
din n may mali ako, masayado kong inattatch sarili ko sa knya at naniwala sa mga sinabi nya.
Pero wala naman ako magagawa tapos na.. Our feelings that time were just a byproduct of
our attraction to each other that later fades. And balita ko hndi n siya kagaya ng dati n
palabiro.. he became too serious.. well maybe it’s true, after I saw him last December in
their church I saw sadness in his eyes,he looks so matured, and he can’t look straight in my
eyes,.. I want to talk to him pero we don’t have the chance or maybe he didn’t want to talk
to me anymore.. he really change a lot. I just pray for his happiness.

I am now happy of what I am.