ELTU2012 Business Communication I

MODULE 1 JOB SEARCH SKILLS

1B JOB APPLICATION LETTERS

OBJECTIVES
 To introduce how to format and structure a job application letter
 To help you describe relevant qualifications and work experience appropriately with
supporting examples
 To raise your awareness of the tone and style of a job application letter

LEARNING OUTCOMES
Upon completion of this section, you will be able to:
1. identify the audience’s need(s) and structure a job application letter
2. write a job application letter with persuasive language
3. revise your writing to make it correct and concise

WARM-UP DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

1. You have already summarized your qualifications, work experience, skills, and
achievements in your résumé. Why do you think an application letter is needed when
you respond to a job advertisement by email or by post?

2. How do you format and structure a job application letter? How much information do
you need to include?

3. How can you make a favorable impression with a potential employer?

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CONTENT AND ORGANIZATION OF JOB APPLICATION LETTERS

An application letter, which is sometimes called a cover letter, is needed to elaborate your
résumé in greater detail so that your prospective employers know
 what you’re sending
 why you’re sending it
 how they can benefit from reading it

Even though you have already described your qualifications and experience in your résumé,
do not regurgitate your résumé when you write your application letter. Instead, you should
expand on the points in your résumé when you write your cover letter.

The purpose of your application letter is to get the reader interested enough to read your
résumé, so you should
 learn something about the company you’re applying to
 focus on your audience so that you can show you’ve done your homework
 show how your background and talents will solve a particular problem or meet a
specific need the company has

 address your letter with the name, title, and department of the person to whom you
are writing


 be specific
 keep it short: 3-4 paragraphs to show how your strengths and character would
fit the position
 show some personality (

 keep it short: 3-4 paragraphs to show how your strengths and character would fit
the position


 show some personality (bBut do not overdo it!)

 aim for high quality: accurate spelling, mechanics, and grammar

 aim for high quality: accurate spelling, mechanics, and grammar

WRITING APPLICATION LETTERS

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Use the AIDA approach (Attention-DemonstrationInterest-Desire-Action) in writing

application letters.

Attention:
In the opening of an application letter, try to

 use the subject line to get the employer’s attention

 use the subject line to get the reader’s attention
 focus on your audience and maintain a “you” attitude
 emphasize readers’ benefits
 project confidence
 clearly state your reason for writing
 give the reader a reason to keep reading
 focus on your audience and maintain a “you” attitude
 emphasise reader benefits

use the subject line to get the reader’s attention

Demonstration:
To demonstrate your suitability for the job in the middle section of your application letter, try
to

 present your strongest selling points (in terms of their potential benefit to the
organisation)
 provide explanation and elaboration of
 provide explanation and elaboration of résuméresume items in more detail and in light
of the job call
 create a fuller picture of your potential to contribute to the organisation
 back up your assertions with some convincing evidence of your performance
 discuss each requirement specified in the job advertisement
 demonstrate a few personal characteristics (e.g., diligence, willingness to work hard,
ability to learn quickly, skill at handling responsibility, aptitude for getting along with
people)
 refer the reader to your résumé by citing a specific fact or general point covered there

 Demonstrate your suitability for the job

Interest and Desire:
 show your suitability based on your skills, education and prior experience

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To build interest and increase desire in the middle section of your application letter, try to
present your strongest selling points (in terms of their potential benefit to the organization)
 be careful not to repeat facts be specific about your experience
 back up with concrete examples
 link education, experience, and personal qualities to the job requirements
 refer the reader to your resumeresented in your résumé (create a more rounded
picture of your potential to contribute to the organization)
 back up your assertions with some convincing evidence of your performance
 discuss each requirement specified in the job advertiement
 If you feel they are relevant and can be supported by evidence, consider
mentioning a few personal characteristics (e.g., diligence, willingness to work hard,
ability to learn quickly, skill at handling responsibility, and aptitude for getting
along with people)
 refer the reader to your résumé by citing a specific fact or general point covered
there

Action:
To motivate action, you
 ask the readers for a specific action (e.g., for an interview)
 try to sound natural and appreciative
 offer to come to the employer’s office at a convenient time
 make a reply easy by clearly stating contact information and the best time to reach
you

In the opening of an application letter, try to

 focus on your audience and maintain a “you” attitude

 emphasise reader benefits
 project confidence
 clearly state your reason for writing and your interest in the position
 give the recipient a reason to keep reading
 use the subject line to get the employer’s attention

To demonstrate your suitability for the job in the middle section of your application letter, try
to

 present your strongest selling points (in terms of their potential benefit to the
organisation)
 provide explanation and elaboration of resume items in more detail and in light of the
job call

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 create a fuller picture of your potential to contribute to the organisation

 back up your assertions with some convincing evidence of your performance
 discuss each requirement specified in any advertisement
 demonstrate a few personal characteristics (diligence, willingness to work hard, ability
to learn quickly, skill at handling responsibility, aptitude for getting along with people)
 refer the reader to your résumé by citing a specific fact or general point covered there

To motivate action, in the final paragraph try toyou

 ask readers for a specific action (for an interview)

 try to sound natural and appreciative
 offer to come to the employer’s office at a convenient time
 make a reply easy by clearly stating contact information and the best time to reach you
 mention that you will follow up with a phone call in a few days
 refer again to your strongest selling points

In your cover letter you should

 be specific
 keep it short: 3-4 paragraphs to show how your strengths and character would fit the
position
 show some personality (But do not overdo it!)
aim for high quality: accurate spelling, mechanics, and grammar

TASK 1: IDENTIFYING LETTER PARTS

Read the following application letter. Identify different letter parts and write your
comments in the table below. Focus on the letter parts only. For example:

Body text / Recipient’s address / Subject line / Endnote / Closure / Signature / Salutation
Sender’s address / Date

Letter parts
Peter Chan 1.___________________
Room 9, Hall A
The Chinese University of Hong Kong
Shatin, Hong Kong
Tel: 98765432
Email: peter@yahoo.com.hk

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2.___________________
th
6 October 2011
3.___________________

Ms. Cathy Lai

Human Resource Manager
Swipe Hotels
Suite 2701-05, Cityplaza One
1111 King's Road, Island East
Hong Kong
4.___________________
Re.: International Management Trainee Program (Ref.: MT-384679)
5.___________________
.
Dear Ms. Lai,

(1) I was inspired by the recruitment talk given by your colleagues

on 28th September and now would like to express my interest in …

(2) I am currently completing a BA in Hotel and Tourism 6.___________________

Management and will graduate in June 2012. As you can see from
my résumé …

(3) As I participated in a number of extra-curricular activities at

university, I have developed …

(4) Travelling has also helped me improve my interpersonal and

problem-solving skills. I have gained …

(5) I strongly believe my skills and abilities mentioned above can

be useful in the Communication Department rotation …

Yours sincerely,

Peter Chan
7.___________________

Peter Chan 8.___________________

Enclosure: Résumé

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9.___________________

TASK 2: ANALYSZING CONTENTS AND ORGANIZATION

A well-structured job application letter has three parts: an opening, body, and closing.

An effective opening for a job application letter should

 be addressed to an individual (e.g., Ms. Lai)
 name the source of the advertisement, the date of publication, and the position
applied for
 name the referee or the person who referred you, if applicable
 briefly show your knowledge of the company’s business and what it is about the
post/company that interests you

The body of the letter should

 elaborate the ideas you have expressed in the opening with relevant supporting
details in 2 to 3 paragraphs
 refer to your résumé and summarize the qualifications you have that match the job
requirements and the skills/experience you have that will be an asset to the
company
 include only details that are relevant to the application

An effective closing should

 provide a clear call for action: express your desire for an interview
 thank the reader for considering your application
 refer to any enclosures (e.g., your résumé or references)

Now read the following application letter and focus on its contents and organization.
Desmond Chan
Room 603, Hong Ching Court
Kam Tin, New Territories
Tel: 65723xxx
Email: cyp@yahoo.com.hk

4th February 2015

Ms. Elaine Chan

Bloomberg L.P. Recruitment
Bloomberg L.P. Hong Kong
27/F Cheung Kong Center
2 Queens Road, Central
Hong Kong

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Application for Global Data - Third Party Index Data Researcher position (Ref.: 44426)

Dear Ms. Chan,

Application for Global Data - Third Party Index Data Researcher position (Ref.: 44426)

I am writing to express my interest in your Third Party Index Researcher position of the Global
Data Department, advertised on your company website on 1 February. Through the participation
in the Bloomberg Terminal Training Workshop, I am convinced that Bloomberg offers the best
platform for a successful career. Majoring in Quantitative Finance and Risk Management Science,
I believe that my academic qualifications, work experience and personal qualities make me the
best fit for the position.

In order to know more about the finance industry, I worked as a summer intern in Hang Seng
Bank in which I developed my skills in doing research effectively and acquired the knowledge
of different financial markets. During the internship period, I worked closely with various
departments including sales and research departments. Having interacted with experienced
technicians in different divisions, my communication and presentation skills have improved.

Your position calls for a financial major background with the experience in programming. After
having a one-year study in the quantitative field, I started another summer intern in Citadel by
working as a quantitative researcher which required me to pay strict attention to details. This
internship offered me the chance to utilize my programming skills in monitoring the trading
models and handing databases, which consolidated my skills in using Excel and Visual Basic for
Applications.

Self-motivation and professional performance under pressure are the other qualities that you
consider important. Getting the chance to be the Financial Secretary of the Society of
Quantitative Finance, I have learned how to work well under great difficulties. I was responsible
for holding several large-scale activities, so I needed to be self-motivated to ensure that the
events can be organized smoothly. I believe these soft skills can match with the core values of
your company.

I am willing to have a further development in this professional field in Bloomberg which is a

leading company in the finance industry. I am confident that my technical skills and soft skills
will be valuable to Bloomberg. I have attached my resume for your review and would greatly
appreciate an interview to discuss my experience in further details. Please feel free to contact me
at 6572-3xxx or via email cyp@yahoo.com.hk. Thank you in advance for your consideration.

Yours sincerely,

Desmond Chan

Desmond Chan
Enclosure: Resume

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1. What position is the writer applying for?

2. What knowledge and skills does the applicant offer?

3. What format-related features has the applicant included in the letter to make it a formal
letter?

4. What is the main idea of each paragraph? Is this application letter well-structured?

Paragraph 1:

Paragraph 2:

Paragraph 3:

Paragraph 4:

Paragraph 5:

TASK 3: SELECTING IDEAS AND DEVELOPING AN OUTLINE (I)

You will now learn how to decide on which parts of your résumé to expand or elaborate on
in an application letter. Read the job advertisement below and identify the requirements
related to the applicant’s education background, work experience, and special skills. You
may underline some of the key words in the advertisement.

The Position: Management Trainee

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Peterson Education Group Company Limited is one of the largest educational service
providers in Hong Kong. We are dedicated to delivering the best educational products
and services to communities throughout China. Peterson offers quality educational
products and services through education centres, publications, mobile applications,
events, summer and winter study camps, etc. In order to cope with our expansion in Hong
Kong and Mainland China, we are looking for high caliber employees to join our team. If
you want to compete in this fast- growing marketplace in Hong Kong and Mainland
China, join Peterson today.

Key Responsibilities:

 To get familiarized with Peterson’s culture, structure, products, services, systems,

policies and procedures, workflow, and standards.
 To perform duties and projects as assigned by the management.

Requirements:

 University graduate, preferably with a general management or marketing degree.

 Candidates without any experience in the education field will also be considered.
 Excellent command of written and spoken English.
 Strong analytical mind with leadership skills.
 Good communication, presentation, and interpersonal skills.
 Willing to travel and work on a shift basis.

To show a potential employer that you are extremely well-suited for the position you are
applying for, you will need to select ideas from your résumé that match the corresponding
job requirements. Read the following information taken from a résumé. REMOVE the items
that are the least helpful in matching the requirements you have identified in the
advertisement.

Items in the résumé

1. BA degree
2. English Debater, CUHK
3. Recipient of Rotary Youth Leadership Award
4. Recipient of Outstanding Services Award, HK Student Services Association.
5. Organizing committee member, College Orientation Camp
6. Assisted in managing student computer assistants (about 20 students)
7. Fluent in Cantonese, English, and Mandarin; some knowledge of Japanese

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8. Traveled to Seoul, Bangkok, Tokyo, Beijing, Singapore, and several Australian cities
9. CompComputer-competent and familiar with all major applications and statistical
packages
10. Member of rowing team CUHK
11. Like reading, playing tennis, and watching movies

In response to the job advertisement above, use the résumé items you have just selected to
outline a job application letter below. Then present your suggested outline to the class.

Main ideas Supporting evidence from résumé

Paragraph 1

Paragraph 2

Paragraph 3

Paragraph 4

Paragraph 5

TASK 4: SELECTING IDEAS AND DEVELOPING AN OUTLINE (II)

Another student wants to apply for the following position:

Position: Swire Hotels Group Management Trainee Program (Ref.: HL2015013)

Employer Name: Swire Hotels Group
Industry: Hospitality Industry

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Job Description:
Our 18-month International Operations Management Trainee (IOMT) program is
designed to attract talented, passionate, and enthusiastic graduates to ultimately create
potential future leaders. It’s an opportunity to gain high profile exposure across our
hotels.

Requirements:
To be considered for a place in the program, you should meet the following
requirementswill need to have:
 Individuals with relevant educational background (preferably in Hotel and
Tourism Management or equivalent) or relevant work experience in the hotel
industry.
 Less than 2 years post-graduate work experience.  
 Individuals who are passionate, fun, creative, and determined to make a
difference.!
 Good team players who are highly flexible with an analytical mindset and Good team
players who are highly flexible with an analytical mindset, excellent interpersonal
and communication skills.
 Open to overseas exposure.
Source: http://www.swirehotels.com/en/Careers/International-Operations-Management-
Trainee-Programme.aspx#/en/Careers/International-Operations-Management-Trainee-
Programme/The-Programme/

These are the items on her résumé. Which of these items should be selected when she
outlines her application letter?

1. Bachelor of Business Administration in Hotel and Tourism Management

2. Attended an intensive Japanese language program
3. Worked as an intern at the guest relations department in Conrad Seoul
4. Frontline office trainee at Shangri-La Hong Kong
5. Participated in community services
6. Participated in a writing competition on Chinese literature
7. High school debate team captain
8. Fluent in Cantonese, Mandarin, English, and Japanese
9. Won the Hong Kong Secondary School Video Project Award

Now outline an application letter:

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Main ideas Supporting evidence from résumé

Paragraph 1

Paragraph 2

Paragraph 3

Paragraph 4

Paragraph 5

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PERSUASIVE LANGUAGE: TONE AND STYLE

Job application letters, or cover letters, can also be seen as types of sales letters. They use the
same sequence as a persuasive sales letter.

Sales letter Application letter – using AIDA approach

Gets attention Gets attention (Attention)
Introduces a product Introduces qualifications (Interest & Desire)
Presents evidence Presents evidence (Interest & Desire)
Encourages action Encourages action (Action)

Like a well-written sales letter, a well- written cover letter successfully sells an applicant’s
skills and abilities to a potential employer.

As consumers we want to know as much about a product as possible before we make our
purchase. We often compare two products by reading the details or description on the
packaging. The cover letter you send with your résumé is like the packaging for your skills
and experience.

TASK 5: IDENTIFYING A PERSUASIVE PARAGRAPH

Which of the following paragraphs do you think would be more attractive to a potential
employer?

Paragraph A

Last summer I analyzed the company’s policy and designed a database for cataloging the
problems and solutions to those problems. This shows that I have excellent analytical and
interpersonal skills and can handle tasks independently.

Paragraph B

During my internship last summer, my supervisor asked me to analyze the company’s policy of
handling client complaints and look for ways to streamline procedures. After reviewing common
practices and interviewing clients, I designed a database that catalogued the problems. As a
result, staff members are able to view possible solutions to a number of common problems
quickly and simply.

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Suggested answer: Paragraph B because it specifies the task and achievement which provides more
useful and meaningful information about the candidate’s qualifications
.
When you present yourself in your application letter, include relevant details and specific
descriptions. You may be able to do this by using the STAR approach.

STAR stands for Situation, Task, Action, and Result.

You will get the best results describing actual situations you experienced, the task that
needed to be dealt with, the action you took, and the actual result. Use STAR to write about
specifics not generalizations. Paragraph B above is an example of STAR.

Here is another example:

During my internship in the finance department in Yangjiang nuclear power station (situation), I
helped the department manager with arranging meetings, making salary lists and managing
receipts from all the staff in the company (task). At the Communication Bank of China, I was
given a chance to present marketing plans to potential clients and handle their queries (action),
which strengthened my presentation and communication skills (result). Opening a company of
my own also enhanced my leadership skills, which is another quality that you stress.

Try to identify the STAR in the following two examples:

Example 1:
In the previous summer, I worked in DBS Bank as an intern in the institutional banking
group. During the ten-week programme, I assisted a project that aimed at evaluating a
prototype of a credit rating model for institutional clients. My proactive assistance has
provided favorable results.

Example 2:
In 2013, as a public relations summer intern at a non-profit organization called Crossroads
Foundation, I helped develop marketing strategies to support charity campaigns with local
banks and private companies. I honed my organizational and communication skills
through coordinating and delivering presentations at local secondary schools in an effort to
raise awareness about issues involving modern slavery and refugees living in Hong Kong.

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This STAR approach is a way for writers to specifically describe past experience. Some may
think that describing all the four components in detail will adversely affect the conciseness
of the writing. Some may also think that such an approach is actually more suitable when
answering questions in job interviews. Therefore, youstudents should be flexible when
applying the STAR approach when writing yourtheir job application letters.

TASK 6: WRITING A STAR

1. Describe a role that you have had in a student activity that exemplifies your
strengths. When you have finished, read your STAR to a partner. Discuss the
effectiveness of your STAR.

2. Describe a school project that required group work. Write a STAR that highlights
your qualities as a team player. Discuss the completeness of your STAR with a
partner.

TASK 7: ANALYZSING PERSUASIVE CONTENTS

A former student, Charles, was interested in the following job opening.
Global Markets Sales and Trading, Graduate Analyst Programme
This programme is open to graduates and final-year bachelor’s or master’s degree
students.

To be considered for a placement, you will:

 Act with integrity, in keeping with HSBC's values
 Have a passion for understanding financial markets
 Have up-to-date market knowledge
 Have the ability to thrive in a fast-paced and varied work environment
 Be adaptable to changes in markets and our services
 Be a team player, confident and highly driven to succeed

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 Be highly numerate and analytical

 Be hard-working, self-motivated and willing to take on new challenges
(Source: http://www.hsbc.com/careers/students-and-graduates/programmes/global-markets-sales-and-trading-
graduate-analyst-programme )
This is Charles’ résumé:
LAM Yyy Zzz, Charles
Address: Apt. 3008, Block G, Silver Phoenix, 77 Tai Hang Rd, Hong Kong
Email: i.lamb@gXXX.com | Telephone: +852 5555-5555

EDUCATION
The Chinese University of Hong Kong (CUHK), Hong Kong Sep 2010 – Present
Bachelor of Science in Quantitative Finance; Minor in Economics (Expected Jun 2014)
 Latest term GPA: 3.76/4.00 (Cumulative GPA: 3.59/4.00); HKCEE: 6As (top 0.5%)
 Honors: Dean’s List (top 10%); College Head’s List; Tsang Shiu Tim Scholarships; Honors at
Entrance
The University of New South Wales (UNSW), Australia Jul 2011 – Nov 2011
Semester Exchange Program
 Relevant coursework: Options, Futures and Risk Management; Securities Valuation and Analysis

WORK EXPERIENCE
ABC Bank Jul 2013 – Aug 2013
Summer Analyst, Corporate Group Asia, Fixed Income
 Worked at the sales desk offering FX and interest rates products to Hong Kong- and China-based
corporate accounts
 Completed a research project on hedging solutions for a new corporate client; ranked 2 nd out of 7
Fixed Income Summer Analysts in the final project presentation

EFG Asset Management Sep 2012 – Feb 2013

Analyst Intern, Strategic Development and Investments
 Assisted with drafting Initial Considerations and prepared valuation using comparable listed
companies
 Conducted a comprehensive research on new regulations issued by China Insurance Regulatory
Commission
ACTIVITIES
Chicago Quantitative Alliance Investment Challenge, Second Runner – up Nov 2012 – Mar 2013
 Selected to represent CUHK Business School in the international investment contest
 Created fund fact sheets and weekly portfolio attributes to facilitate client interactions under
simulated setting
 Managed a long/short, market neutral equity portfolio using seasonal patterns to select stocks
across all industry groups
Society of Quantitative Finance, Welfare Officer Jan 2011 – Dec 2011
 Led team of 12 to organize the New Year Banquet and graduation

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farewell dinner; established a solid relationship with Quantitative

Finance Alumni Association and the Department of Finance
 Enhanced negotiation skills through collaborating with other societies

PERSONAL
Languages: Fluent in English, Mandarin and Cantonese
Computer Skills: Bloomberg Terminal, Capital IQ, C/C++, STATA, MS Word, Excel, PowerPoint,
Access
Interests: Adventure travel (skydiving, sea kayaking, scuba diving, rafting) and volleyball

Read the paragraphs Charles drafted for his application letter below. Write your comments
on the persuasiveness of the contents beside each paragraph. Each group will then present
the analysis of one paragraph to the class.

1. What is the main idea of this paragraph? Which part of Charles’ resume does it refer to?

2. Do you think the supporting details are relevant and persuasive? Explain to the class with
examples.

Paragraphing Comments

1. I am a final-year Quantitative Finance student at The

Chinese University of Hong Kong and would like to
express my interest in the Global Markets Graduate
Analyst Programme with HSBC. Through discussions
with current employees, including Steven Ng from Global
Banking and Markets, during the campus recruitment
event on 9 September 2013, I am convinced that HSBC
offers the best platform for a successful career.
2. Having spent a summer working on the trading floor at
ABC Bank, I learned that I thrive in a fast-paced
environment, like that at HSBC. At ABC Bank, I generated
trade ideas for the corporate sales desk based on market
movements and acquired broad knowledge about
corporate hedging, FX derivatives and structured products.
I also conducted comprehensive research on hedging
solutions for a new corporate client and delivering my
insights during project presentations.

3. From the in-depth study of quantitative methods and

financial instruments in my finances courses, I have

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become able to see how data can be used to make business

and investment decisions. Studying abroad at the
University of New South Wales for a semester provided
me a great opportunity to travel and experience a new way
of life. During the exchange program, I met new friends
from different cultures. Interacting with them enhanced
my adaptability to cope with changes, and this made me
more proactive when planning my own trip and travelling
around Australia.

4. As the Welfare Officer of the Society of Quantitative

Finance, I demonstrated that I am a capable leader and a
team player. I led a team of 12 in preparing the New Year
Banquet and Graduation Dinner. I have honed my
organizational skills and learnt how to take responsibility.
I believe many of my skills are transferable and able to
make a valuable addition to HSBC.

5. I am confident that my experience and enthusiasm will be

valuable to HSBC. I am available for interviews at a time
of your convenience. If you have any questions, please
feel perfectly free to contact me.

THE 5 C'S

Appropriate business style requires 5 important qualities: courtesy, completeness,

conciseness, clarity, and correctness. In this module we will focus on conciseness. We will
examine the other four qualities in Module 2.

CONCISENESS IN APPLICATION LETTERS

Employers usually do not spend much time on reading applicants’ letters thoroughly, so it is
important that your application letter is concise. 

To achieve concision, avoid overly-long paragraphs and overly-long sentences. However, do

not write a string of simple, short sentences, as this will negatively impact cohesion and
readability.

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Use the verb to be sparingly. This includes the phrases there are and it is. Watch for indefinite
pronoun starters. If you start a sentence with an indefinite pronoun such as it or there are, odds
are that the sentence could be shorter.
 
x OVERUSE OF VERB TO BE  ACTION VERB
There were three different projects that I was I handled three different projects
assigned to handle during my internship during my internship.
 
Avoid flowery or wordy language. Workplace writing used to be much more formal than it is
today, and a few out-of-date phrases remain from the old days. Perhaps the best way to
determine whether you are using them is to ask yourself, “Would I say this if I were talking
with someone face to face?”

x FLOWERY/WORDY   UP-TO-DATE
today, tomorrow (or a specific time)
in due course
 
(permission is not necessary, just say what you wish)
permit me to say that
 
we have received
we are in receipt of
 
(omit)
pursuant to
 
(omit)
in closing, I’d like to say
 
please let us know
kindly advise
 
(just say it)
we wish to inform you
 
enclosed is
attached please find
 
I have just learned
it has come to my attention Ms. Garza has just told me
 
Mr. Lydell, our credit manager
our Mr. Lydell
 
please be advised that (omit)
 
ELTU2012 Module 1b Job Search Skills: Job Application Letters (Student Version) 1August2017 20
ELTU2012 Business Communication I

Complex wording is similar to out-of-date phrases. People use big words, trite expressions,
and overly complicated sentences when they are trying to impress somebody.  But, at times,
complex words sound stiff, puffed up, and roundabout.

 
Avoid wordiness by eliminating unnecessary words and phrases. Some words and
combinations of words have more efficient, one-word equivalents. Here are some
combinations to avoid:
 
x COMBINATIONS TO AVOID  EFFICIENT EQUIVALENTS
for
for the sum of
 
if
in the event that
 
on
on the occasion of
 
soon
in the near future
 
can
have the capability of
 
now
at this point in time
 
because
in view of the fact that
 
until such time as when
with reference to about
 

ANALYZING COMMON ERRORS: DEALING WITH LANGUAGE TONE AND

STYLE

TASK 8: SENTENCE AND PARAGRAPH CRITIQUE

The following are real samples of student work. Read the original and then try to revise
them. What should be done to improve the original?

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Sample 1

Original:
I recently graduated from CUHK and got my degree in accounting. Because I am self-
motivated and hardworking, I achieved an outstanding performance on my major study. I
was awarded a faculty scholarship worth HK$20,000 in academic year 2013-2014 for my
academic excellence. I was also invited to the Outstanding University Student Program and
had some professional training. Using the skills gained from university, I can provide your
company with timely, reliable and decision-useful reports in both Chinese and English.

Revised:
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________

Sample 2

Original:
First, my academic concentrations in marketing and human resource management are
directed related to this job. Studying marking and HRM have already developed my
professional researching and communication skills. As a mainland student, studying in
Hong Kong has also developed my fluency in Cantonese, and English.

Revised:
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________

Sample 3
Original:
These skills have been inestimable to me as an internship in Global Markets at Bank of
China International for the last two months, during which I received tasks from the Fixed
Income Dept, Equity Derivatives Dept and Foreign Exchange (FX) Dept as well from other
experiences.

Revised:
ELTU2012 Module 1b Job Search Skills: Job Application Letters (Student Version) 1August2017 22
ELTU2012 Business Communication I

____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________

Sample 4
Original:
I am fluent in Mandarin. I am also fluent in English. And I am studying Spanish. This gave
me confidence.

Revised:
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________

Sample 5
Original:
I also participated in many student activities in CUHK and got a good negotiation skill. Last
year, I tried to persuade a company to give my student association a patronage, and I
managed it after a one-week negotiation.

Revised:
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________

Sample 6
Original:
I adapted to the work environment by learning computer skills in a college course.

Revised:
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________

ELTU2012 Module 1b Job Search Skills: Job Application Letters (Student Version) 1August2017 23
ELTU2012 Business Communication I

____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________

Sample 7
Original:
Also, I’m good at teamwork because of my work experience last year at the Hong Kong
Economic and Trade Office in Washington, D.C.

Revised:
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________

Sample 8
Original:
I also joined a summer teaching program last August. I taught primary school students
English in the rural school in Fujian. It shows I am capable to work in rural areas in
Mainland.

Revised:
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________

Sample 9
Original:
Working as a summer intern during the summer holiday in Beijing this year provided me
with work experience that is directly related to accounting. Joining this internship in
Beijing offered me the opportunity to learn about the working culture in mainland and
explore to the mainland market.

Revised:
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________________

ELTU2012 Module 1b Job Search Skills: Job Application Letters (Student Version) 1August2017 24
ELTU2012 Business Communication I

___________________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________________

TASK 9: JOB APPLICATION LETTER CRITIQUE

Read the students’ sample letters below. In small groups, choose one letter to review.
As a group,
1. discuss and suggest ways to improve the letter
2. prepare a sentence by sentence critique of the letter and give a five-minute oral
presentation
3. write an improved version of the letter

ELTU2012 Module 1b Job Search Skills: Job Application Letters (Student Version) 1August2017 25
ELTU2012 Business Communication I

Sample A
Shang Shang Hotels and Resorts
Hong Kong
Human Resources Manager

Dear Sir/Madam,
Motivation for applying Corporate Trainee Programme (Requisition ID 4821)

With Asian style hospitality, Shangri-la differentiates itself from other hotel brands by its
tranquility and dedication to perfection of service quality. My previous professional encounters
strengthened my interests in the domain of guest service and developed my ability to pay
attention to every slight detail which contributes to the overall delicate and remarkable stay of
guests. Yet, there are still a lot to learn about this profession. This is why I would like to be a
member of the Shangri-la family to devote my business knowledge acquired from university,
such as management of lodging facilities, marketing, finance and human resources management;
and previous internship experience in the hospitality industry, including internship in a travel
agency and the F&B department of a hotel.

This progressive and developmental programme could serve as a cornerstone for my career path
in Shangri-la hotels and personal growth. With my eagerness and humility to acquire new
knowledge, and my strong initiative to get things done with refinement and excellence, I believe
that I could continuously contribute to your hotel with accumulated expertise.

During my exchange year in Europe, I befriended with students of different nationalities and I
was fascinated by the difference among our cultures. With my curiosity, I learnt a lot about the
preferences and dispositions of people from various countries, such as the standard of fashion
aesthetics of French and the seriousness of German. At the same time, I exhibited courtesy to
show the virtue and beauty of Chinese culture and language. I embraced this interpersonal and
inter-culture exchange. This experience would certainly subtilise my encounters with hotel guests
from different parts of the world.

Shangri-la is like an elegantly glistening chandelier, and I long to be one of the candles which
symbolize warmth and dependability to travelers who are far away from home. I am genuinely
looking forward to an interview opportunity.

Yours faithfully,
Jason
Jason Hui

ELTU2012 Module 1b Job Search Skills: Job Application Letters (Student Version) 1August2017 26
ELTU2012 Business Communication I

Sample B

Joanne Kwan
Flat D, 38/F, Block K, Shatin Centre
Sha Tin, N.T., Hong Kong
Tel: 9444-5555
Email: jk@yahoo.com.hk

Human Resources Manager

Cre8PLUS
4202, 42/F, The Center
99 Queen’s Road Central
Central, Hong Kong
1st February 2012

Application for the Digital Marketing Trainee position (Ref.: JHK100003001156893)

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to express my interest in your Digital Marketing Trainee position, advertised on
JobsDB.com on 9 January. I will graduate with a Bachelor’s degree in Business Administration
from the Chinese University of Hong Kong in June. Majoring in Marketing and Management of
Information Systems, I believe my studies and work experience in marketing and analytical skills
make me a suitable candidate.

In order to broaden my horizons, I have participated in different marketing internships. For

example, in 2009, I worked as a summer marketing intern at Guru Online, during which I
developed innovative online marketing plans for potential clients. This experience allowed me to
develop a good understanding of the digital marketing industry. During the internship, I was
given opportunities to present marketing plans to potential clients and collect their feedback,
which in turn improved my presentation skills and communication skills.

I also had an opportunity to develop these skills further as a one-year Consumer Marketing
Trainee at Philips Electronics in 2010/2011. In that role, I was able to conduct comprehensive
global competitor analysis and in-depth consumer feedback analysis in a professional manner.

I am passionate about working in the advertising industry and obtaining a position with
Cre8PLUS. Drawing on my educational background in Marketing, internship experience, and
marketing research skills, I believe I would make a good contribution to your company. I would
greatly appreciate an interview to discuss my application with you in further details. Thank you
in advance for your time.

Yours faithfully,
J Kwan
Joanne Kwan
Enc.

ELTU2012 Module 1b Job Search Skills: Job Application Letters (Student Version) 1August2017 27
ELTU2012 Business Communication I

ELTU2012 Module 1b Job Search Skills: Job Application Letters (Student Version) 1August2017 28