Dale

Carnegie – How to Win Friends and Influence people

HANDLING PEOPLE

1. Don’t criticise, condemn or complain

“If you want to gather honey don’t kick over the beehive”

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes
them strive to justify themselves. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a
person’s pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.

Studies reveal that animals rewarded for good behaviour will learn far more
effectively than animals punished for bad behaviour.

Instead of condemning people, understand them: try to figure out why they do
what they do.- It’s a lot more profitable; it breeds sympathy, tolerance and
kindness.

The Secret to dealing with people:
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation

The only way to get anybody to do anything is by making the other person want
to do it. – By giving him/her what he/she wants.

What do people want?
1. Health and preservation of life
2. Food
3. Sleep
4. Money and the things money will buy
5. Life in the hereafter
6. Sexual gratification
7. The well being of our children
8. A feeling of importance

The way to develop the best in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.
(Rockefeller knew this). Showing sincere appreciation can change a person’s life.

Human beings hunger for appreciation. Leave a friendly trail of gratitude in your
daily encounters. Figure out the other person’s good points and give honest
appreciation. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.

You have the whole world in your hand if you:
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

To influence other people, talk about what they want and show them how to get
it. Ask yourself: How can I make this person want to do it? If I was him/her, why
would I be excited about….?
Get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as
well as from your own.

MAKING PEOPLE LIKE YOU

To be welcomed anywhere:
1. Become genuinely interested in other people.

Before tackling a sale, an encounter, a talk, etc. say this to yourself: “I love my
audience, I love my audience, I love my audience” Or who ever you will be
engaging with.

To make friends, greet people with animation and enthusiasm. Even on the
phone! Showing genuine interest not only wins friends but also develops into
customer loyalty. (To be genuinely interested in other people is a most
important quality for salesman (or any other) to posses. )

“We are interested in others when they are interested in us”

To make a good first impression:
2. Smile!

When you are not feeling it: fake it till you make it. Force the smile, hum a tune,
act as if you are already happy, action will follow the feeling. - Your smile is a
messenger of good will. It brightens the lives of all who see it.

Control your thoughts: happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It
depends on inner conditions.

3. Remember people’s names. It’s the most important sound to them.

People are interested in their own name. Remembering and honouring people’s
name is key in leadership. it makes people feel important.

Technique to remember names:
1. If you don’t hear the name clearly, make the other person repeat it.
2. Then repeat it yourself
3. If it’s an unusual name, make the person spell it.
4. Repeat their name in conversation several times
5. Associate the name to the person’s features, expression and appearance.

To become a good conversationalist:
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Showing Listening skills makes favourable impressions. People want to be
listened to! Mostly when they are upset, all it takes is to listen

Listen intently. Be genuinely interested. Ask question to encourage the other to
talk. questions they will enjoy answering. To be interesting, be interested.

One should never interrupt, contradict nor irritate customers/interlocutors

Technique for active listening:
1. Use a mild and genial gaze.
2. If you need to speak use a mild and kind tone
3. Use few gestures
4. Give full attention and appreciation

To interest people:
5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

Find out or research the interest of people you are going to engage with, what
catches their enthusiasm.

The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he/she treasures the
most.

To make people like you instantly:
6. Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely

Say something nice. What is there about him/her that you can honestly admire?

Use polite phrases and little courtesies…. Like the kiwis!!!

In each encounter consider the person in front of you as a teacher or a master,
give them that respect, realise their importance and recognise it sincerely.


WINNING PEOPLE OVER (TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING)

1. You can’t win an argument. Avoid them!

Technique to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:
1. Welcome the disagreement, perhaps this is the chance to be corrected
before you make a serious mistake
2. Distrust your first instinctive impression. Keep calm and watch out for
your first reaction. It maybe you at your worst, not your best!
3. Control your temper and Listen first. Do not resist, defend or debate. This
only raises barriers.
4. Look for areas of agreement. Dwell first on the points and areas on which
you agree.
5. Be honest. Look for areas you can admit error and say so. Apologize for
your mistakes
6. Promise to think over your opponent’s idea s and study them carefully.
Mean it.
7. Thank you opponent sincerely for their interest. Think of them as people
who REALLY want to help you.
8. Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem.

To avoid making enemies:
2. Show respect for the other person’s opinion. Never say, “You’re wrong”

There is magic in the phrase: “I maybe wrong” “Let’s examine the facts”

“Don’t be defensive – Be curious,” Ask questions in a friendly, cooperative spirit,
highlight the right points in the other person’s opinion.

3. If you are wrong admit it quickly and emphatically

Say all the derogatory things the other person is already thinking of you, and say
them before the other person has a chance to say them. – It brings out the
generous, forgiving nature in others. It can also help solve the problem created
by the error.

4. Begin in a friendly way

The friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds
more readily.

5. Get the other person saying, “Yes, yes” immediately.

Technique to get the “Yes, yes”:
1. When talking with people begin by emphasizing the things on which you
agree. Emphasize you are both striving for the same end. If any difference
it is only in method not in purpose
2. Keep your opponent from saying “No”
3. Talk about what the person wants.
4. Ask questions with which the person would have to agree.
5. Ask question the person will answer with “Yes”
6. Don’t argue
7. Look at things from the other person’s point of view

6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

Let the other person talk it all out. They know more about their business and
problems than you do. Ask them questions and let them tell you a few things.

Make a favourable impression by researching the other and ask accordingly.

Ask people to share their joys with you. Only mention your achievements when
they ask.

The safety valve in handling complaints is letting the other person do a
great deal of talking. Don’t interrupt and Listen!



To get cooperation:
7. Let the other feel that the idea is his/hers.

Consult people about their wishes and desires. We like to be consulted about our
wishes, wants, or thoughts. Ask for their input or advise

You can also implant an idea in the process: Don’t worry about credit, think
about the results.

8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view

Remember that other people maybe totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t
condemn them, try to understand them.

There’s a reason - find it out Ask yourself “How would I feel or react if I were in
his/her shoes?

Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider
the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own. Starting your
conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your
conversation, governing what you say by what you would like to hear if you were
the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to
have an opened mind to your ideas.

Tomorrow, before you ask someone to put out a fire or buy your product or
contribute to your favourite charity, why not pause and close your eyes and try
to think the whole thing through from another person’s point of view? Ask your
self: why would he or she want this? – This will get better results.

Before encountering people for interviews, etc. have a clear idea of what
you want, what you want to say… and what the other person is likely to say
in response (from what you know of their interests + motives, research!)


To win people to your way of thinking:
9. Be Sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires

Before reacting to a “NO”, an aggression, or opposition: Stop! – Think! – Do the
contrary: Be sympathetic.

In dealing with temperamental stars: Have Sympathy to the max with their
idiosyncrasies.

A magic phrase that will stop arguments: “ I don’t blame you at all for feeling the
as you do. If I were you I would feel just as you do.”




10. Assume people are honest – Appeal to their nobler motives.

In a dispute:
1. Find out what the company has done or failed to do.
2. Hear the customer’s story – don’t offer opinions
3. Give him/her importance - Make them feel important
4. Let him/her talk and listen with interest and sympathy
5. Finally when the customer is in reasonable mood, put the whole thing up to his
sense of fair play – Appeal to their nobler motives.

11. Dramatize your ideas! (Sell them!)

A truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic.

When nothing else works:
12. Stimulate with a challenge

The way to get things done is to stimulate competition – Appealing to people of
spirit and their desire to excel. – Successful people love the game, the challenge.
In facts: the majority of people are motivated by work itself.

BE A LEADER CHANGING PEOPLES ATTITUDE AND BEHAVIOUR

Leadership gravitates to the person who can talk.

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation

It’s always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard praise of our
good points. Try changing the word “but” to “and”

2. Call attention to people’s mistake indirectly

Do this cleverly by correcting the mistake yourself and praising them as if they
did it. Or by clever remarks that compliment and highlight that what they’ve
done might not work.

3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticising first the other person.

“You are better than I was at your age” - Admitting one’s own mistakes - even
when one hasn’t corrected them - can help convince somebody to change their
behaviour.

4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

This technique saves peoples pride and gives him/her a feeling of importance. It
encourages cooperation instead of rebellion. (This might work better in
situations where people know their place)

Asking questions make orders more palatable and often stimulates people’s
creativity. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the
decision that caused the order to be issued.

5. Let other person save face!

Technique to face someone that has made an error:
1. State that is not unusual to make an error when starting a new project
2. Reassure your confidence that the next attempt will be successful (more
accurate, meaningful, etc.)
3. In front of colleagues, reassure the person your faith in his/her work.

6. Activate people’s success

Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Abilities
wither under criticism and blossom under encouragement.

7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

What to do when a good worker starts to fault his/her performance?
The “average person” can be led readily if you have his/her respect and if you
show that you respect that person for some kind of ability. – If you want to
improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were
already one of his/her outstanding characteristics. – Give them a fine reputation
to live up to and they will make great efforts to not disappoint you.

8. Use encouragement. Make the fault easy to correct.

Encourage by keeping praising high and minimizing the scope of errors.

9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Guidelines to achieve this:
1. Give tittles and authority in the area of the task in hand.
2. Be sincere: Don’t promise what you can’t deliver
3. Know exactly what you want the other person to do.
4. Be empathetic, consider the other person’s desires
5. Factor the benefits that person will receive from doing what you ask
6. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants
7. Place the request accordingly:

“John, we have a job that should be completed right away. If it’s done
now, we won’t be faced with it later. I am bringing some customers
in tomorrow to show our facilities. I would like to show them the
stock room, but it is in poor shape, if you could sweep it out, put the
stock in neat piles on the shelves and polish the counter, it would
make us look efficient and you will have done your part to provide a
good company image.”