A (very) rough guide to America from an

Englishman in New York

Paul Owen

In my six months in the land of the free I’ve found guns, gas and guacamole
aplenty – but I’m still looking for a proper cup of tea

Lombardi’s pizzeria in New York City. ‘If you eat pizza with a knife and fork they
look at you like you just ate a sandwich with a spoon.’ Photograph: Ted
Pink/Alamy
Thu 8 Oct 2015 20.19 AEDT
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S cott Waters, an American, has caused a stir with a Facebook

post sharing his observations from a recent trip to smalltown England.

“People don’t seem to be afraid of their neighbours or the government” and
“There are no guns” were two of his comments that seemed to help the post
go viral. And pretty astute, I thought, was: “Pubs are not bars, they are
community living rooms.”
I moved from the UK to the US six months ago, and it’s true what they say:
the portions are enormous; there really are 300-400 TV channels; everyone
has beautifully white teeth; and nobody can pronounce “water”.

But, at the risk of biting the hand that feeds me, here are a few other things
I’ve noticed about the United States. Because, as John Travolta once said,
they’ve got everything we’ve got … it’s just the little differences.

1. Customer service is either so warm it’s like you’ve made a new friend for
life or so brusque you feel as though you’ve just been ordered back into your
cell after your five-minute phone call with your lawyer. There’s no middle
ground.

2. You need to tip for everything. If you think maybe you should tip, you
should tip. You should be tipping me for this article.

3. If you don’t tip in a restaurant, the waiter or waitress will make a smart
remark and your evening will be ruined. I’ve seen it happen.

4. People tip because the waiting staff are paid low hourly rates.

5. The waiting staff are paid low hourly rates because employers have
successfully tricked their customers into taking on a significant portion of
their staffing costs. If you don’t like the sound of that, all is not quite lost –
there is a socialist running for president this time.

6. You can have anything you want, as long as you can pay for it.

7. And as long as you tip.

8. You can fill up your car at a petrol station using a couple of nickels and
an old button.

9. Something as tiny and insignificant as a bicycle could never be

considered remotely comparable to a car, and to expect it to abide by the
same rules of the road is considered utterly absurd by cyclists, pedestrians
and drivers alike.

10. Coins have become so worthless that restaurants sometimes refuse to

take them – even thieves have been known to turn their noses up at some of
them.

11. They’re only really used for the laundromat. Because strangely enough
in this land of modern conveniences, it’s apparently too much to ask to
want a washing machine in your apartment.

12. Nobody is worried about burglars even though they have fire escape
stairs stuck to the outside of their building and the living-room window has
been propped open for six months because an air-conditioning unit is
sticking out of it. And, no, a flyscreen won’t keep them out.

13. Although I admit it: a flyscreen is a good idea. I haven’t had to kill a
wasp or a moth for months.

14. Apartments usually come unfurnished, and Americans think the idea of
sitting on someone else’s sofa or sleeping in someone else’s bed is
disgusting. Come on – they’re not in there with you. “They might as well
be!”

15. Far more Americans than the often-quoted 14% have a passport. But
even if the number is low, relative to other countries, the fact is that they
can quite happily cover 3.8m sq miles of vastly varied terrain without one.
That’s more than double the 1.7m sq miles of the EU , which many British
holidaymakers will be visiting.

16. It’s best to think of the police as a sort of occupying army and avoid
them accordingly – particularly if you are not white.

17. TV news is rabidly partisan, while the broadsheet press pretends to be

objective and neutral. Whereas in Britain …

18. Remember when British leftwingers thought Boris Johnson was too
much of a joke to become mayor of London and then he went and did it
anyway? That’s what’s happening with Donald Trump and the presidency.

19. That story about the pig was probably the first time anyone here had
heard of David Cameron.

20. Celebrities walk around major cities as bold as brass. The other day I
sat next to Dominic West, Damian Lewis and John Slattery in a restaurant.

21. Yeah, that’s right. And bragging is considered perfectly OK.

22. And so is telling someone sincerely that you think they, or something
they have done, is amazing and fantastic.

23. I mean it.

24. No, really.

25. I’m not being sarcastic.

26. Honestly. That’s just my normal voice.

27. A lot of the trains and subway carriages look like whoever built them
said, “OK, well, it works – what more do you want?” And left it at that.

28. But basically, you’re lucky in most parts of the country if you have any
trains or subway systems at all.

29. If you get out of your car and walk from A to B in Los Angeles or Miami,
people will think you are a surprisingly well-dressed and purposeful-
looking homeless person.

30. If you’ve got good health insurance, the doctor will give you everything
you need … and more.

31. If you haven’t … Oh, God. Good luck to you.

32. A lot of people consider “Oh, God” swearing.

33. Medical companies believe you will respond positively to a TV advert

for, say, a sleeping pill that includes 10 minutes of warnings about side-
effects that include danger of death, erections lasting more than 24 hours,
and the fact that you may find yourself driving a car while asleep and not
remember it the next day.

34. If you do need a sleeping pill the slow, ponderous and worthy tones of
NPR (National Public Radio) may fit the bill. Do not listen while driving or
operating heavy machinery. Or if you have an erection that has lasted more
than 24 hours.

35. Americans love telling stories, and they’re really good at it.

36. And they’re really creative with language, especially slang.

37. If you watch European football (soccer) here, it’s a morning sport, after
which you can do other things with the rest of your day. As long as you
haven’t kept to your old British football-and-drinking regime.
38. It’s perfectly respectable to drink Coca-Cola or other similar drinks with
a meal.

39. Order a cup of tea in a cafe or restaurant and you will be confronted
with a glass or mug of lukewarm water with a teabag of some alarming
flavour, like pomegranate or boysenberry, floating sadly on the top like a
punctured dinghy, and some “milk” that is probably 50% cream, delivered
on request. I’m just going to say it once: the water needs to be at boiling
point for the tea to infuse!!!

40. Just order a cup of coffee. They know what they’re doing with coffee.

41. If you eat pizza with a knife and fork they look at you like you just ate a
sandwich with a spoon. New York’s mayor, Bill de Blasio, caused major
controversy by eating his the European way – the weakling.

42. A plate of Doritos and some guacamole is considered a full meal.

43. Bars don’t usually serve food. Just keep on drinking.

44. But drinking on the street is illegal – except in New Orleans, where it’s
compulsory.

45. People still love smoking, and the glowing retro-futurist coloured lights
of e-cigarettes haven’t really caught on yet.

46. They have no universally agreed upon way of saying goodbye (a kiss on
the cheek would be unforgivably inappropriate and borderline actionable).
Most common is just to pause for a moment, perhaps give a barely
perceptible nod or slightly awkward wave ... and then simply walk away.

47. The weather really means business.

48. Americans are acutely conscious of race, in the way British people are
acutely conscious of class.

49. Lots of people you don’t expect to own guns or support the right to bear
arms do .

50. No massacre, no matter how awful, will prompt Congress to tighten

America’s gun laws. There will have to be a wider cultural shift. Lots of
people do care about this. But they’re not sure exactly what to do.

• This article was corrected on 8 October 2015. It was John Travolta, not
Samuel L Jackson, who made the observation referred to in the the third
paragraph