FIFTH GEAR

SERIES 20 PROGRAMME 08

PROG # ESD/910707B

10:00:00 OPENING TITLES

10:00:23 – JONNY SMITH

Hello and welcome to Fifth Gear – Today I’m in

Southern Spain testing a car that’s as adored by

the British as tea – the Honda Civic.

10:00:32 JONNY VO

This is a brand new version of one of the most

important cars on sale.

And we’ve got its first TV test.

00:41

Also we push the latest Jeep Grand Cherokee to

the limit around our military off-road course.

Keep going, keep going.

And Vicki races through the night with Norwegian

World Rally star Andreas Mikkelsen.

Let’s go.
10:00:56 FIFTH GEAR CAPTION

10:00:57 JONNY

But before all of that it’s time for our resident

Uncle Drifter to take a famous face around the

toughest track on the planet for our Celebrity

Nurburgring Challenge.

10:01:07 TIFF NEEDELL VO

The Nurburgring is the most fearsome track in

the world. 13 miles of unforgiving corners and

hills.

Now it’s time for one more celeb who’s always

wanted to be a racing driver to post a lap time at

the track they call …. The Green Hell.

10:01:24 JONNY

This week the celebrity taking the Fifth Gear

Nurburgring Challenge is a cricketing superstar.

During the summer his heroic bowling helped

England to be ranked the World’s Number One

Test Team for the first time ever. It’s James

Anderson.
JAMES ANDERSON

It’s good to be able to come somewhere that’s

steeped in history like this and actually

experience it and er drive it with a, in a nice car.

10:01:48 TIFF VO

The 29 year old lover of speed gets to play in a

£100,000 Jaguar XKRS, and first I showed him

what this 186 mph car can do.

JAMES

The Nurburgring’s famous for a lot of crashes so

I’m, there’s obviously a bit of nervousness there.

TIFF

Yeah we’re only going for a little country run.

10:02:11 TIFF

Ohh bit of wheel spin LAUGHTER

JAMES

I love being a passenger actually.

TIFF

Oh we can kick and get a bit of whoa whoa a bit

of an oversteer.

JAMES

It’s nice to actually experience what it is to be

driven around properly and how you can actually

attack the corners.

10:02:24 TIFF

See that tallest tree, if you aim for the tallest

branch, tallest tree it leads you straight into the

brrrrrrr ??? Really does shake you all up a bit.

10:02:39 TIFF

And you survived a lap of the Nurburgring with

Tiff.

See it wasn’t that bad.

JAMES

No it’s fine. LAUGHS

10:02:48 JAMES

Just getting my legs back.

10:02:50 TIFF VO

Next some tuition, and Jimmy’s training started

with the absolute basics.

TIFF

Put your thumbs on top of the spokes right.

Then try if you can to steer with your arms (right)

So you actually got the one grip on the wheel

(yeah)

I go a bit lower I put my thumb on … there. Bit

more relaxed.

10:03:10 TIFF VO

He may be the greatest swing bowler in the

world but his line and length left a lot to be

desired on the track – veering off the fast racing

line and going wide on the apex at almost every

corner.

TIFF
So if you get the apex you can get on the power

earlier (yeah)

If you miss your apex you’ve got to stay off the

power that much longer.

You’re missing your apex again.

Missing the apex – what’s wrong with the apex?

10:03:33 JAMES

Sorry. I was concentrating on braking.

TIFF VO

But with time, Jimmy the fast bowler became

Jimmy the fast driver.

TIFF

Now we’re getting somewhere, twisty, that was

good…. Proper cornering.

10:03:46 JAMES

Once I got the hang of the apexes I enjoyed my

corners a lot more but to be honest there’s

nothing like putting your foot down and getting it

up to 150mph on the straight to be honest.

TIFF VO

Practice over start the clock.

How close could Jimmy get to the 7 minute 51

seconds that this car can do in the hands of a

professional driver.

10:04:10 TIFF

He said it was gonna be slow he lied to me. Ohh

Gawd where’s me brake pedal…

JAMES

Cricket is sort of on and off but that’s like 10

minutes of full on concentration which I found

quite tough.

10:04:22 TIFF VO

And he crossed the line in 9 minutes 25 seconds

– 90 seconds behind the car’s record but nearly

11 minutes quicker than Kevin Keegan. I think

we may have uncovered a rather good racing

driver.
TIFF

He’s a bit of a star pupil, bit of a fast learner, fast

bowler.

How was that then?

JAMES

I enjoyed it. It’s a lot easier when you’ve got

someone telling you, you know, sort of instructing

you round and giving you help.

10:04:49 JAMES

Er we’re both alive that’s the main thing. That’s

all I was worried about to be honest.

10:04:55 JONNY

Next up one important new car, three bickering

drivers, and one essential verdict. It’s time for

the Team Test.

10:05:04 TIFF VO

Today the team tested the new Jeep Grand

Cherokee.

This all new version of the American icon costs

between £37-44,000 and promises to not only

excel off-road but also be better than ever on-

road.

10:05:22 TIFF

I’ve got a soft spot for Jeeps.

This is a handsome vehicle.

Big impressive front end.

JONNY

You can see they’re really chasing Range Rover.

It looks strong.

That is a really nice haunch there. That’s making

me quite excited.

10:05:35 VBH

I’m slightly disappointed that this new Grand

Cherokee doesn’t stand out. The profile is just a

bit bland. I wouldn’t instantly know that it was a

Jeep on the road.

JONNY

Tiff’s always the first person to lift up the boot.

TIFF

Rather strange automatic tailgate.

Ohh that’s a bit drastic.

10:05:52 JONNY

Didn’t know whether to go up or down or what.

VICKI

I think you’re just getting old, the fact that you

love automatic boot opening.

TIFF

Perhaps one of the biggest surprises wasn’t just

the styling on the outside but the quality when we

got inside.

10:06:02 VBH

These are new plastics and new metals.

JONNY

Piped leather just like the high end Range

Rovers.
10:06:07 VBH

It felt quite premium.

JONNY

The switch gear was much higher quality than

before.

VBH

Check out the size of this, this is perfect for you

and your 60 year old ???

10:06:16 TIFF

Apart from the steering wheel of course.

Oh not back to this old two-tone … look you can’t

have two textures. It’s horrible.

10:06:25 JONNY

We tested it by doing a bit of well track and field I

suppose you could call it.

VBH

Looks okay in auto, that’s fine.

We need to go to rock, hang on a sec

TIFF

You’ve got rock setting? (we have)

Heh rock and roll.

VBH

Yeah there we go.

10:06:40 JONNY

The off-road functions are slightly confusing.

TIFF

It says sand and mud on my dashboard, you’re

in sand and mud.

Rock not available in four high, four low.

VBH

You see I’d pressed four low.

10:06:55 JONNY

I’m so bored now. Have you got to get out of D.

Is it in D?

TIFF

It’s going up, it’s going up.

VBH

Yeah but its gone back into sand and mud.

TIFF

Put it into neutral strangely and rocks!!

Ohhh rocks. It’s rising up.

10:07:11 VBH

The suspension sort of almost went to its

maximum setting, so there was no sort of

springiness.

Ohhh ((Ughhh) you can almost feel the angles of

the rock that we’re going over.

JONNY

He did give it a pretty harsh punishing.

TIFF

??? bit of articulation. You like a bit of

articulation don’t you Victoria.

JONNY

I like a bit of articulation.

TIFF

It’s your favourite.

Unlike that there.

10:07:33 VBH

I have a slightly weak heart when it comes to off-

roading.

Oh sand, we’ve got sand.

TIFF

We’ve got sand setting.

VBH

Ohhh please

10:07:44 VBH
I really thought we were gonna get stuck halfway

up that sandhill, oh my word.

TIFF VO

The Cherokee is based on a next generation

Mercedes platform and uses a 3 litre V6

developed by Jeeps new owners Fiat. It’s 405lb

ft of torque is perfect for chugging up hills and it

will do 34mpg.

10:08:03 VBH

Tiff You’d be best ….

Keep going, keep going, ohh my gosh.

TIFF

I thought we weren’t going to make that.

JONNY

I did as well.

10:08:12 TIFF

We haven’t got off-road tyres on this, it’s got

street tyres. That’s impressive.

VBH

That’s really good.

10:08:18 TIFF VO

So the Grand Cherokee is still excellent through

the dirt but have Jeep really managed to make

the car behave on the road? Time for some

extreme testing on our handling track.

VBH

What are you doing at the wheel?

TIFF

Bit of a lap on the handling circuit.

10:08:38 JONNY

Tiff is chucking it into corners, and its got this

new air ride suspension.

TIFF

Left…. And right …

No, No that’s pretty impressive.

VBH

I’ve just dug something in my hip.

10:08:49 JONNY

I thought it switched direction everso well, it

didn’t make you feel seasick.

TIFF

I reckon this is an impressive machine.

JONNY

It’s keeping us on the concrete isn’t it.

TIFF

Handling was consistent; the change of direction

was good. The ride quality wasn’t that bad on

the road so, we were very impressed all round.

10:09:07 VBH

Overall I thought that the boys and girls at Jeep

have done a really good job with it. It is

expensive though for what it is. I’m gonna give it

a 7,

TIFF

There’s no doubt Jeep are back on the right

track. I would have given it an 8 but it doesn’t

have a 7 seat option, so it only gets 7.

10:09:25 JONNY

Grand Cherokee’s a cracking car on road and

off-road and you’d be really happy with it.

However 44 grand that’s a bit fruity for a car like

that. I’m gonna give it – an admirable 7.

TIFF VO

It is pricey but the Jeeps better to drive than ever

before. The Grand Cherokee earns a Team Test

score of 21 out of 30.

FIFTH GEAR CAPTION

10:09:50 JONNY VO

Still to come me in Spain getting under the skin

of the brand new Honda Civic.

And Vicki’s unmissable attempt at being a world

rally star’s co-driver.

Ha ha haahhhhh

10:10:03 FIFTH GEAR CAPTION

END OF PART ONE

10:11:00 FIFTH GEAR CAPTION

PART TWO

10:11:05 JONNY

Hello and welcome back to Fifth Gear. Now it’s

time for me to get behind the wheel of a very

British non-British car.

10:11:14 JONNY VO

The previous Honda Civic defied convention.

JONNY

It was Starship Enterprise.

This one, well, you know when a sponge cake

over rises a little bit and er, you know.

10:11:30 JONNY VO

Sadly this brand new Civic is rather dull. I know

it’s just a family car and rivals like the VW Golf

and the Ford Focus don’t exactly deserve a

place in the Tate Modern, but here’s the old car –

and here’s the new car. Where are the groovy

triangular exhausts and why has the sleek pointy

nose become so heavy and droopy?

JONNY

The interiors no better either. I mean its, it’s

confusing to be honest. You’ve got the speedo

up there on this top tier, and you’ve got the rev

counter right there and you’ve got massive dials

for things like engine temperature and then

there’s a screen up there and a screen down

here.

10:12:11 JONNY VO

Not the best start but Honda are making big

claims about the Civic’s chassis having fitted it

with fluid-filled bushes to make it super-smooth.

Perhaps it will be a revelation to drive.

JONNY

The previous Civic’s suspension was as fidgety

as an old man being chased by bees and in fact

that was the soul reason why I wouldn’t have

bought it.

10:12:32 JONNY VO

This new car’s suspension is, well … better.

JONNY

Driving a Civic in 2012 will be significantly more

composed, more stable, more enjoyable frankly.

If you’re core Civic market, ie woman, mid-fifties,

hair in the shape of a cauliflower, you won’t find

this car a problem at all because it drives

wonderfully.

10:12:56 JONNY VO

But this more comfortable Civic still isn’t as good

to drive as a Focus or a Golf, what it needs is a

USP, something to boast about down the pub.

JONNY

The Focus’s USP is it’s raft of high end gadgets

like automatic parking. The Golf has an interior

that feels so special it ought to be driven for you.

So what’s the Civic’s USP?

10:13:23 JONNY VO

It’s boot is really very big.

The rear seats fold flat and there’s some magic

storage space, but if I was on the apprentice with

that as my USP I’d probably be fired.

What this does have that a Focus or a Golf

doesn’t is a big green eco-button to make it use

less fuel, so maybe, maybe it’s extraordinarily

economical?

10:13:51 JONNY

Honda’s gone for quite a large capacity diesel.

This is a 2.2, but all you need to know is that it

does … 67 to the gallon combined.

It goes. It really shifts. It’s got a massive sackful

of torque.

And I can’t believe that in eco-mode … it feels

more frisky than when I turn eco-mode off and

yet eco-mode’s got optimum mpgs so it’s like a

win/win situation.

JONNY VO

But it’s not all good news because there isn’t a

single Civic that emits less than a 100 grams per

kilometre of CO2, the magic barrier that qualifies

a car for free tax and to me that’s a big faux pas

for a brand new family hatchback.

14:33

And there’s more bad news – the Civic costs a

packet.

JONNY

This top of the range diesel comes in at nearly

24 grand. It’s more than the comparable Golf or

Focus. That’s a problem.

JONNY VO
But that’s not the only issue, to me the Civic isn’t

much of a technological leap forward, its more of

a zimmer frame shuffle.

10:14:56 JONNY

The new Civic has evolved as a driver’s car, and

its now more efficient than ever, but there’s a

tragedy because it now looks as old as its target

buyers. You see the previous car was such an

inter-galactic game changer that it was always

going to be a herculean mission to replace. My

advice is to go and buy a Honda Civic but one

from 2011.

10:15:23 JONNY

Now have you ever wondered what it takes to be

a world rally champion? Yeah me too. Well

luckily Vicki’s about to find out with the help of a

rally star of the future.

10:15:34 VBH VO

Andreas Mikkelsen is a 22 year old Rally Driving

protégé.
A World Rally regular, last month he also won the

Inter-Continental Rally Challenge.

Now he faces a very different test – a

navigational rally on public roads and I’m

navigating.

VBH

What are the main things that you look for in a

co-driver?

10:15:57 ANDREAS

Well first of all we need to find the road, so if co-

driver, the navigator does one small mistake I go

off the road so it’s er definitely 50% of the job for

sure.

VBH

Ughhhhhh

10:16:09 VBH VO

Over 100 navigational rallies takes place every

year organised by local clubs. The aim is to

reach a number of check points at a precise

time. Arrive late and you’ll incur penalty points.

To stop you going too fast you’ve got to make a

note of these pops or proof of passage boards –

miss them and you’ll also be penalised. The car

with the fewest penalties wins.

16:33

I’m going to be navigating in the dark and as I’ve

been known to get lost in a car park, I’ve

arranged some training from navigational rally

veteran and expert Andy Rogers.

10:16:43 ANDY

Okay some basic essentials, piece of cardboard

to act as like a table for your lap, for reading a

map on. We have a thing here called a Roma –

which helps you plot map references.

VBH

There’s nothing basic about this.

ANDY

That is fairly basic honestly. Also we have

essentials like pencils, er the map

10:17:01 VBH

That’s key I’d say.

ANDY

That’s quite useful

VBH

Do you use any of this in your proper rally car.

10:17:06 ANDREAS

Er I know we have some pens. LAUGHTER

10:17:11 VBH VO

We’d be up against 11 other competitors driving

a road going version of Andreas’s Skoda Rally

Car, this 178bhp Fabia VRS. As quick as the car

is you’re not supposed to break the speed limit,

so our success depends on my map reading

skills.

Our aim – not to finish last.

10:17:33 VBH

So where’s 131 on the pink?

MAN

3, 2, 1 GOODNIGHT (Goodnight ughhhhh)

10:17:40 VBH VO

Car number 5 is away.

But my sense of direction lets me down

immediately.

VBH

Left here.

ANDREAS

Nooo, do you think so?

VBH

Yeah.

ANDREAS

No it can’t be.
VBH

No sorry. LAUGHTER

10:17:54 ANDREAS

It’s more about navigation than going really

quick.

VBH

This is not a good start.

ANDREAS

Okay.

VBH

I’m so chuffed I’ve got a champion at the wheel.

10:18:02 VBH VO

In a navigational rally, punctuality not speed is

key but try telling that to a racer.

ANDREAS

Oh we don’t have time for this.

Ohhh ********
We were like flat out on the road and catching

other cars *******

10:18:16 VBH VO

Despite my atrocious sense of direction, Andreas

got us to the first check point on time.

VBH

Hi there.

MAN

Hello there.

VBH

Okay.

ANDY

Yeah really good start, there’s some tricky bits

through some villages, tricky navigation but if

they get that right they should be okay yeah.

10:18:35 VBH VO
But I was forgetting something.

VBH

He said to me did we have any of those pops,

you know those …

ANDREAS

No I haven’t seen any.

VBH

We should have had some. (Yeah?) Yeah.

10:18:44 ANDREAS

We missed all these billboards, these boards

with, with the signs on.

VBH VO

Missing the Pop boards mean time penalties, we

need to keep our eyes peeled.

ANDREAS

What is that.
VBH

Yes, yes, yes, brilliant.

ANDREAS

798

VBH

798

10:18:59 VBH VO

Our confidence may have been growing but with

my eyes on the map all the twisting and braking

takes its toll.

ANDREAS

So….

VBH

Ohhh let me INAUD

ANDREAS

Yeah?
VBH

Yeah. Keep ... keep driving.

10:19:16 ANDREAS

If you need to puke be quick eh.

VBH VO

The marshall’s at the third time control were

about to get a bit more from me than they were

expecting … much to Andreas’ concern.

VBH

Ask him for ??? ohhhh ****

ANDREAS

That was quick.

10:19:33 MAN

Can we have your car number?

VBH

44

Please . Oh dear. How embarrassing.

LAUGHTER

10:19:44 VBH VO

But I wasn’t going to let throwing up in front of a

champion rally driver distract me from the job in

hand.

ANDREAS

Ha ha ha haaaahhh we’re leading again.

10:19:55 VBH VO

As an amateur I was allowed to draw our route

on the map in advance. More experienced

crews are given a sealed envelope at each

check point and quite incredibly do all of their

map plotting on the move!

Back in car number five we’re on the penultimate

section, but things are going a bit green again.

VBH

Just ….

10:20:21 ANDREAS
I must say I’ve never seen such commitment

before.

Straight on. LAUGHS

She was like puking all over the car.

Hanging in there?

VBH

***** that was a proper chunder.

ANDREAS

Yeah. Cool.

So I was just giving her tissues all of the time …

even though I was driving I was like hehhh.

10:20:43 VBH

Another wet wipe please Andreas.

ANDREAS

Yes it’s coming.

VBH VO

Some how we make it to the remaining check

point on time and finally the end was in sight.

VBH

Whooooo

Mwahhhh, oh no you don’t want to kiss me not

with my stinky breath.

10:21:02 VBH

The aroma in here is errr…..(Hmmm)

Hmmmm LAUGHS

VBH VO

That had been two of the most embarrassing

hours of my life. We knew we’d missed plenty of

pop boards so we just hoped all the time

penalties hadn’t made us last.

10:21:18 MAN

Tenth overall and therefore not last on their first

outing, Car 5.

APPLAUSE

10:21:25 ANDREAS
That was absolutely great, we had so much fun.

Very impressive by Vicki for sure.

If I could definitely have a wife like that with such

commitment definitely LAUGHS.

VBH

I have had an absolute hoot and I cannot believe

how cheap it is - £15 for an entry. I also can’t

believe that I managed to be sick in front of

perhaps one of the world’s most beautiful men.

Hahhh I would do it again definitely but I’d have

to be behind the wheel. If Andreas wants to do it

again though, he’ll have to take this.

10:21:57 JONNY VO

Next time on Fifth Gear it’s the first TV test for

the petrol heads hero – the brand new BMW M5.

This is a lairy car

I’m in Barcelona driving a tiny car with an even

tinier price tag

It’s kind of like Jamie Oliver making scrambled

eggs.

22:17
And Tiff’s joined by Rally star Mark Higgins to

find out if this Renault is the ultimate hot hatch.

We’re definitely going off.

What was all that about?

10:22:27 END CREDITS

10:22:47 ENDBOARD