Fixation

There are a lot of things that I wanted to change within myself. My physicality,
mentality, I think I want almost everything to be changed but I know it is kind of
impossible to do but in contrary, I wanted myself to be just ‘me’, the real me per se.
Honestly speaking, I am contented with what I have now but I may or may not have
these insecurities, I still aspire to be more.

Growing up as a child, I’ve never had anything extravagant but nevertheless I

was still contented with what I had during those days of my childhood. When I say
extravagant, it is the things like being involved in a pageant, being able to express
myself in front of a massive crowd, talking spontaneously to whomever I interact with
and the list just goes on. Through then I thought I wasn’t confident enough to showcase
myself and I had a lot of insecurities and I always get anxious every time which causes
me to stutter sometimes.

When I reached high school, which is where all the burdens, struggles, and
revelations started to really hit me. I said to myself that “I should start with myself and
get going”. By that I was motivated and determined to strive harder. I searched for
workout routines, different diets, and watched videos about self-improvement. I learned
and executed so many things. As I went to grade 9, I was already seeing huge
difference within me. Little by little I’m gaining confidence especially with what physical
appearance I had back then. I was starting to be confident more and show the hidden
talents that I’ve been always trying to hide because of my bashfulness.

Moving forward to grade 10, this is the time where I really experienced so many
things, that is way out of my league, and my curiosities had just been fed. I got into a
relationship with someone, my academics somehow soared high, my confidence just
continuously fills in. On the other hand, I also experienced difficulties and terrible
situations but I’ve managed to conquer it all.

Moving on to Grade 11, I’ve noticed my body is gradually coming back to my old
body form and then again I was starting to get depressed already just by the thought of
it. It was so hard for me to keep up my routines unchanged that is why I’m inconsistent
towards to building up my posture and myself as a whole.

And so as opportunities continually came, I’ve conquered again my battle within

myself, on how I overthink about things that I’m afraid to happen sooner or later, and
now I made up my mind thinking that I should just do it. That I should not be affected by
my anxieties but then just embrace it and try to make it as a motivation to work harder
and be inspired more to keep up what I’ve been working on all those years.
 I’ve been involved and exposed to so many things and I wanted more. Up to now
I still wanted more and just grab any opportunities that will sooner or later show up
within my existence. I managed to cope up and just continue learning while living. I may
had experienced downhill more than just what I’ve mentioned above, I will still strive to
back up again and stay persevere.