Assertiveness

  Standing up for your own rights in such a way that you do not violate
another person’s rights

  Expressing your needs, wants, opinions, feelings and beliefs in direct,

honest and appropriate ways

  The aim of assertive behaviour is to satisfy the needs and wants of both
parties involved in the situation

The assertive individual was first described by Salter in 1949. He

conceptualized behavior in terms of excitatory (assertive) and inhibitory (non-
assertive/passive). Salter described the excitatory personality as follows:

“The excitatory person is direct . He responds outwardly to his environment.

When he is confronted with a problem, he takes immediate constructive action.
He is energetic, but there is nothing hyperthyroid about it. Above all, the
excitatory person is free of anxiety. He is truly happy. Salter further explained
that the excitatory individual respects the rights of others and is able to share in
an intimate love relationship. “

The inhibitory personality as perceived by Salter (1949),

"suffers from constipation of the emotions".

He prevents the natural expression of feelings that are part of the healthy
personality. The inhibitory person remains disconnected from others and does
not fight for his own personal rights. He finds it difficult to say "no" and often
finds himself doing things he does not want
to do. Six excitatory reflexes were proposed by Salter to reduce inhibitory
responses.

(1)"feeling talk" (i.e. spontaneous, expression of emotions), (2) "facial talk"

(i.e., the nonverbal expression of feelings), (3) "contradict and attack" (i.e., the
ability to disagree with someone), (4) "I" statements (i.e., using "I" as opposed
to "you"), (5) the ability to accept praise and compliments as well as praise
oneself, and (6) "improvisation" (i.e., the ability to be spontaneous and live in
the present.

Another major contribution to the study of assertion training was made by

Wolpe (1958). He developed reciprocal inhibition as a therapeutic principle.
Assertive responses were appropriately used against anxieties within a patient's
inter- personal relationships, sexual responses against sexual anxieties, and
relaxation responses were appropriate for anxieties from any other source.
Wolpe (1973) defined assertive behavior as "the proper expression of any
emotion other than anxiety towards another person".

Wolpe and Lazarus also described various treatment techniques currently used
in assertion training (e.g. behavioral rehearsal, modeling, homework
assignments, and audio feedback).

Non-Assertiveness

A non-assertive person is one who is often taken advantage of, feels helpless,
takes on everyone’s problems, says yes to inappropriate demands and
thoughtless requests, and allow others to choose for him or her. The basic
message he/she sends is “I’m not OK.”

The non-assertive person is emotionally dishonest, indirect, self-denying, and

inhibited. He/she feels hurt, anxious, and possibly angry about his/her actions.

Non-Assertive Body Language:

 Lack of eye contact; looking down or away/

 Swaying and shifting of weight from one foot to the other.
 Whining and hesitancy when speaking.

An assertive person is one who acts in his/her own best interests, stands up for
self, expresses feelings honestly, is in charge of self in interpersonal relations,
and chooses for self. The basic message sent from an assertive person is “I’m
OK and you’re OK.”

An assertive person is emotionally honest, direct, self-enhancing, and

expressive. He/she feels confident, self-respecting at the time of his/her actions
as well as later.

Assertive Body Language:

 Stand straight, steady, and directly face the people to whom you
are speaking while maintaining eye contact.
 Speak in a clear, steady voice –loud enough for the people to
whom you are speaking to hear you.
 Speak fluently, without hesitation, and with assurance and
confidence.

Aggressiveness
An aggressive person is one who wins by using power, hurts others, is
intimidating, controls the environment to suit his/her needs, and chooses for
others. An aggressive says “You’re not OK.”

He/she is inappropriately expressive, emotionally honest, direct, and self-

enhancing at the expense of another. An aggressive person feels righteous,
superior, deprecatory at the time of action and possibly guilty later.

Aggressive Body Language:

 Leaning forward with glaring eyes.

 Pointing a finger at the person to whom you are speaking.
 Shouting.
 Clenching the fists.
 Putting hands on hips and wagging the head.

Remember: ASSERTIVENESS IS NOT ONLY A MATTER OF WHAT

YOU SAY, BUT ALSO A FUNCTION OF HOW YOU SAY IT!

LADDER Approach to Assertiveness

LOOKATyourrights,whatyouwant,whatyouneedand
yourfeelings aboutyoursituation.Letgoofblame,the
desiretohurtandselfpity. Defineyourgoalandkeepitin
mindwhenyounegotiateforchange.

2.)ARRANGEATIMEandplacetodiscussyourproblemthat
isconvenientfor youandtheotherperson.Thisstepmaybe
excludedwhendealingwitha spontaneoussituationlike
someonecutsaheadofyouinline.

3.)DEFINETHEPROBLEMsituationasspecificallyas
possible.Thisisessential forfocusingthediscussion.State
thefactsasyouseethemandshareyour opinionsand
beliefs.Ex.,“It’stimetomakeadecisionaboutwherewe’re
goingtoeattonight.IknowyouloveMexicanfood,but
we’veeatenat _____thelast3timesandIwouldliketogo
someplacenew”.

4.)DESCRIBEYOURFEELINGSsothattheotherpersonhasa
better understandingofhowimportantanissueistoyou.
Use“I”statements.Say “Ifeelhurt”vs.“Youhurtme”...Be
specific...”Ifeelhurtwhenyouignore mywishesabout
whereweeat”

5.)EXPRESSYOURREQUESTin1or2easy‐tounderstand
sentences.Be specificandfirm.Ex.,“Iwouldliketogotoa
Frenchrestauranttonight”

6.)REINFORCEtheotherperson.Describethepositive
consequencesthat mayoccur(e.g.,Thefoodmaybevery
good.Withaveryresistantand uncooperativepersonyou
mayneedtoclarifythenegativeconsequences e.g.,“Ifyou
can’tgivemeanaccuratetimewhenyouwillcomehome,
I’m notgoingtocookandkeepthingswarmforyou.”These
arenotidle threats.Makesureyoufollowthrough.
Training
Joseph Wolpe originally explored the use of assertiveness as a means of
"reciprocal inhibition" of anxiety, in his 1958 book on treating neurosis; and it
has since been commonly employed as an intervention in behavior therapy.
Assertiveness Training ("AT") was introduced by Andrew Salter (1961) and
popularized by Joseph Wolpe. 
Wolpe's belief was that a person could not be both assertive and anxious at the
same time, and thus being assertive would inhibit anxiety. The goals of
assertiveness training include:
 increased awareness of personal rights
 differentiation between non-assertiveness and assertiveness
 differentiation between passive–aggressiveness and aggressiveness
 learning both verbal and non-verbal assertiveness skills.

Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and

thus allow aggressive people to abuse or manipulate them through fear.
Passive communicators are also typically not likely to risk trying to
influence anyone else.

Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus

are liable to harm others while trying to influence them.

A person communicates assertively by overcoming fear of speaking his or

her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the
personal boundaries of others. Assertive people are also willing to defend
themselves against aggressive people.

Types of Assertion
BASIC ASSERTION

Basic Assertion is about making straight forward statements that show

you stand by your rights. It involves making clear your needs, wants,
beliefs, opinions or feelings. Examples of basic assertion are:
   I would like to make some changes to...

  I need to be away by 5 o’clock

  I feel very pleased with the way the issue has been resolved

Basic assertion is about being honest and polite, without being either
forceful or apologetic about your needs. It is the most common form of
assertion and would also be used to give praise or compliments to others.

It is a clear way of expressing what your position is, and what your
suggestions are when raising an issue for the first time, or initiating a
conversation.

EMPATHETIC ASSERTION

This method of assertiveness is about understanding the position of the

person you are dealing with. Examples are:

  I understand that you are busy at the moment, however

  I appreciate your position, what I feel is...

  I realise you feel strongly about this, there are other viewpoints...........

  I hear what you are saying; let me explain my position to you

  I see you have a sound knowledge of the subject, my thoughts

regarding this are

Empathetic assertion is about listening, understanding and gaining the

other person’s interest in your point of view or perspective at the same
time.

Empathetic assertion is a powerful tool that can sometimes be misused,

and when this happens it can be a sign of aggressive behaviour. This
would be evident where the other person’s needs are clearly not being
listened to, rather that the impression of empathy is given in order to
manipulate a situation or person.

DISCREPANCY ASSERTION

This method of assertiveness is about pointing out the discrepancies in a conflict

situation.
It can be used to calm aggressive behaviour by showing exaggerations, or it can
be used to point out inconsistencies. Discrepancy assertion can be used to
identify misunderstandings and to clarify the true position or situation. It can
also be used to demonstrate a change in circumstances that may not have been
made clear to all concerned.

Examples of discrepancy assertion would be :

  I need to clarify what it is that we have agreed

  On this occasion I am sorry that I have not dealt with this in the best
way, although it is not right to say that it is never the case.

  I understand from our last conversation that the target was --/--, are you
saying that this is now not the case?

  Last time we spoke you said you would complete x, y, z. I still need the
information to continue with... When will you be able to produce this?

Another time to use discrepancy assertion is where there is a

contradiction in a person’s conversation. For example, a colleague may
wish to discuss how to improve team working between their department
and yours. After bringing this to your attention they may then begin to
launch an attack on the problems that your department causes theirs.
Discrepancy assertion can come into play by bringing this to the person’s
attention, and moving on with a suggestion of how you can agree a way
forward to address the issue.

CONSEQUENCE ASSERTION

This is where the effects of somebody’s behaviour are brought to their

attention. For example, “If you continue to withhold information
regarding this project, I will be left with no alternative but to bring all
matters directly to the project manager.”

This form of assertion need only be used as a last resort as continual use
could be deemed as aggressive or threatening. However, in some
circumstances bringing the effects of a person’s behaviour to their
attention, and demonstrating the likely undesirable courses of action, can
help them to understand how their behaviour is detrimental to you.

An important point when using consequence assertion is to ensure that

whatever the sanctions are, that if needed, they are applied. It is also
 important that you are aware of the sanctions that the other person may
have at their disposal.

If rights of assertion consist of mutual respect and that everybody has

rights then it is important to maintain credibility by demonstrating this.

Techniques

The purpose is Self-Disclosure –Assertively disclose information about

yourself – how you think, feel, and react to the other person’s information. This
gives the other person information about you. The techniques are as under:

Broken record
The "broken record" technique consists of simply repeating your requests or
your refusals every time you are met with resistance. The term comes
from vinyl records, the surface of which when scratched would lead the needle
of a record player to loop over the same few seconds of the recording
indefinitely. "As with a broken record, the key to this approach is repetition ...
where your partner will not take no for an answer."
A disadvantage with this technique is that when resistance continues, your
requests may lose power every time you have to repeat them. If the requests are
repeated too often, it can backfire on the authority of your words. In these cases,
it is necessary to have some sanctions on hand.

Fogging
Fogging consists of finding some limited truth to agree with in what an
antagonist is saying. More specifically, one can agree in part or agree in
principle.

“Fogging” is an assertive response to criticism and sarcasm. You can use it

when someone makes a comment about you that is indirectly aggressive and
intended to antagonise you, for example, when you arrive late to work and
someone sarcastically says, “Train late again?”. Simply take the words, find the
truth in them and respond with an assertive tone, as in, “Yes, I’m going to have
to re-think my journey from now on.” Imagine taking the sarcasm or criticism
and deadening it in a fog between you and the speaker.

Saying “No” to Others

Non-assertive people have a hard time saying “No”, particularly if the request
comes from people they want to impress. But always saying “Yes”, regardless
of what you want yourself, turns you into a doormat and makes the next request
even harder to turn down.

The best way to say “No” is to state your “No” up-front, firmly and without
fear. Explain that you are unable to meet the request and use the word “won’t”
rather than “can’t” as in: “No, I won’t be able to baby sit tonight. I have other
plans.”

The following is an e: mail sent by a manager who had been pressured to join a
project which she didn’t want to do:

“I’d like you to know that I’m honoured that you should have thought about
asking me to do this job and under other circumstances I would have loved to
be able to say “Yes”. It sounds like an interesting project. I’d like you to know
that it was kind of you to have considered me. Please let me know how things
progress. I’m sure it will be an outstanding success.”

Negative inquiry

Negative inquiry consists of requesting further, more specific criticism.

Negative Enquiry

Negative inquiry and negative assertion are simple techniques for responding to
criticism and judgment.

Negative inquiry replies to the critic by asking for more details about what they
didn’t like. Them: “Well, I’ve seen better presentations nowadays”
You: “Exactly what didn’t you like about it?”

Negative assertion

 Negative assertion is agreement with criticism without letting up demand.

Negative assertion takes all or part of the criticism and agrees with it.
Them: “The slide show was dreadful.”
You: “Yes. That was the most difficult part of the presentation.”

Assertively accepting those things that are negative about yourself. Coping with
your errors. This way of dealing with criticism and judgment has an equivalent
positive version when handling compliments and praise assertively.

Negative Feeling Assertion.

This is where a statement is made that draws attention to the negative affects a
person is having on an individual. It is a tool that makes a person aware of the
impact they are having and needs to be used with care. I.e. in line with the rights
a person has, and in line with the responsibilities that go with those rights to
avoid shifting responsibility to somebody else for your feelings.

When using negative feelings assertion it is important to state the situation, be

specific about the points that are causing negative feelings to you. At all times
ensure you remember that the person may not have a solution immediately.
They have just received your feedback and may need a little time to relate to
what you have told them before they can come to terms with a need to change
their behaviour.

Examples:

  When you continually disagree in the meeting it has makes things

difficult for the group to work together on issues

  I understand that you feel the idea won’t work, however, when you are
sarcastic about the issues, it makes it difficult for others to be honest
about their thoughts, and we could be missing out on some really good
ideas.

  I had X idea in Y meeting you interrupted me during group

discussions. When this happens I lose my train of thought and the group
find it difficult to understand me.

Acknowledging-Declining-Other Alternatives (ADO) Technique.

This is again not an absolute "no". In this technique you open up the request to see
if there is an alternative.

 "My schedule is full for today, maybe there’s someone else in the team that
could help?

This is not an absolute "no" - it’s a way of saying no to the request currently but
means you can say yes in the future. You should only use this if you want to
genuinely meet the request.

 "I don’t have time today but I could make sometime next week."

This is where you provide a brief but honest reason for your answer.
  "I can’t attend the meeting because I have lots of deadlines this week so I
have no time."

Conclusion.
I-statements
I-statements can be used to voice one's feelings and wishes from a personal
position without expressing a judgment about the other person or blaming one's
feelings on them.

A colleague approaches you and asks if you can attend a meeting in their place
because they’ve double-booked themselves but you have a list of work you need to
urgently get through that day.
An aggressive person: "Absolutely not. You always do this! You need to learn to
manage your own workload rather than bothering me!"
A passive person: "Yeah of course I will."
An assertive person: "Unfortunately I can’t attend the meeting because I’ve got lots
of work to get through today, perhaps there’s someone else you can ask."
 LAB ACTIVITY

Assertiveness Case Studies

1. Identify the deficit/issue in the cases and skills required

2. What if the problem persist?
3. Benefits with suggested techniques
4. Assume yourself the character’s position and frame an assertive
dialogue.

Kiran's Story

Kiran works for an insurance company, on a weekly basis she finds that certain
colleagues ask her to do some of their duties. Kiran finds it tremendously
difficult to say 'no', she thinks that it will cause an argument and that she will
come across as rude. She also feels that people are taking advantage of her, her
workload is increasing and this causes her stress levels to rise, she starts
dreading going to work and her self-esteem and confidence are now being
impacted on.

Milind’s story
Milind had a few confrontations in the workplace with a particular member of
staff, this had gone on for a number of years. His organisation had felt it was
necessary to address his inability to take sarcasm and criticism with training.
Suggest some training techniques and help him deal with criticism in an
assertive way.

Sunil’s story

Sunil deals face-to-face with the general public in the customer services
industry. The vast majority of people he deals with are polite and he is able to
deal with any issues they have. However on occasions some customers are
angry and very confrontational, this has sometimes lead to threats and the
possibility of physical violence if security had not intervened. He feels a lack of
control over the situation, and has learned over the years that anyone has the
potential to get angry very quickly. He wants to be able to calm the situation
down by being able to notice the signs of conflict at the earliest opportunity.

Vacation Denied

Your employer had told you that your recent vacation request was approved.
Two days before your vacation is to begin, you hear that your vacation request
is now going to be denied because of a new, large contract taken on by your
company that affects the department you manage. You’ve already made
extension plans to travel and will lose money if you have to cancel. Your
supervisor calls you into his office and is about to tell you that he is going to
deny your time off. What do you do?

Write your four-part assertion message below.

Behavior Description:

Feeling Message:

Consequence Statement:

Request Statement:

Final Statement:

  Behavior Description: A factual description of the behavior causing the

problem (Being Unassertive either submissive or aggressive---Pick any
one)
 Feeling Message: A statement of your feelings in response to the
behavior (Imagine yourself in that position, relate with the character)

 Consequence Statement: An identification of the tangible consequences

you are experiencing as a result of their behavior (If you continue to be
aggressive or passive- aggressive or submissive then frame a
consequence statement)

 Request Statement: A statement of request as a possible solution to the

problem (Replace the chosen unassertive behaviour with the proper
assertive behaviour and technique used).

 Final statement: Your Reflections for lab (also LADDER Approach)

 Learning Outcome (Conclusion)

 References