Brianne Sandberg

My Gender Story

I was born on February 15th, 2002 wrapped in a pink blanket and then taken home to a

room painted in baby pink with flower designs on the walls. My sister kaylee, who was only 4

years old at the time, begged my parents to take me back to the hospital. She did not want a

crying baby around to take my parent’s attention off of her. Kaylee was so used to being an only

child for 4 years that she felt threatened by me coming into the family. For a long period of time

she wanted nothing to do with me, and sulked when the attention was taken off of her.

When I turned one years old, Kaylee’s feelings toward me began to change. She loved to

make me laugh, carry me around the house, and help my mom dress me in my pink clothes along

with a matching hair bow. From this point on, my sister and I became the best of friends and

were almost inseparable. We were each other’s only sibling, and we took full advantage of that.

We had no annoying little brother to bug us or interrupt our tea parties.

When I was around 5 years old, my dad was almost completely out of our lives. He was

working so many hours, and was never home for dinner or bedtime. From that point on, I was

left with 2 motherly figures. My household was dominated by females, which steered me in a

very feminine direction. I believe this had a major impact on the formation of my gender story.

For a long period of time, I had no interaction with the opposite gender. It was always me, my

sister, and my mom from my earliest memories. I participated in activities meant to be for girls

such as dance lessons and

My sister and I were the definition of the stereo-typical “girly girl.” We spent our days

having tea parties with our stuffed animals, giving my mom fashion shows in our dress up

clothes, playing with our baby dolls, and giving each other pretend makeovers. Our rooms were
painted pink and purple, we wore matching dresses to church on Sundays, and we always had

our hair done in pigtails or curls. I wanted to be just like my sister. I followed everything she did,

dressed the way she dressed, liked the same toys, and had my mom do my hair the exact same

way as hers. I never once had the desire to dress in anything other than dresses and skirts. I was

never drawn to the boy section at clothing stores, nor did I have the desire to play with anything

other than my dolls and stuffed animals. Since birth, I was surrounded by “girly” things, and a

very feminine mother and sister to look up to. I wasn’t even sure how to act around boys my age,

let alone play with them. Boys were introduced into my life on the first day of kindergarten, and

my world seemed to change.

I remember having a breakdown when I found out my sister wouldn’t be going to

kindergarten with me. Even worse, she didn’t want to wear matching outfits to school. I felt like

she was leaving me behind, and I felt like I was losing my only friend. I had to pick my own

outfit that day, since my sister was too embarrassed to match with me. I chose to wear a pink

shirt with a flower on it, along with a matching skirt lined with ruffles at the bottom. I put my

care bear backpack on and headed out the door for my dreaded first day of school.

I held my tears back as my mom dropped me off at the front doors of kindergarten. I felt

so alone without my mom and sister, and I felt completely overwhelmed by all of the other kids,

especially the boys. I wanted nothing to do with them, and quite honestly I was a little bit afraid.

I had no social contact with anyone of the male gender as a child, so being around boys was quite

foreign to me.

I remember my kindergarten teacher greeting each of us as she let us inside. The inside of

the classroom smelled like a fresh box of crayons and dry erase board markers. My teacher

instructed us to put our backpacks up on the rack, and to take a seat at one of the tables set up for
us. I remember the fear I felt as a boy, who was much taller than I was, chose to sit in the seat

right beside me. Of course, he had no idea this simple action would make me feel so

uncomfortable.

Another seat at my table was taken up by a little girl wearing a T-Rex shirt paired with

basketball shorts. I remember the confusion I felt as I looked at her outfit. “Why is she wearing a

dinosaur shirt?” I thought. “Dinosaurs are for boys.” I grew up with the belief girls wear pink,

and boys wear blue. Girls wear dresses and skirts while boys wear shorts and T-shirts. Girls play

with dolls while boys play with trucks and cars. I was conditioned from the day I was born to

only like toys and clothes that are considered to be strictly for females, and I felt like dressing in

boy clothes was wrong. I sat at this table completely confused by the little girl, and utterly afraid

of the boy.

During play time I watched as the girl at my table, Ashlyn, made her way over to play

with the legos. I was in disbelief that she could so comfortably play around the other boys. I

decided on playing with a pretend kitchen, along with some of the other girls in my class. It was

where I felt the most comfortable.

After play time, we took our seats at our tables once again. The tall boy next to me,

Ricardo, began to talk.

“I like you,” he said.

“You like me?” I asked, not sure of what he meant.

“You are cute!” he told me.

The unease I felt earlier suddenly came back. Boys are gross and have cooties. I never

wanted to be at home more in my entire life, and I felt the tears I had been holding back all day

begin to make their way out of my eyes.

When the end of the school day came, I ran out to my mom and gave her the biggest hug. She

smiled at me and asked me how my first day of school was, and I began to tell her everything

that happened. I told her about the girl in the dinosaur shirt, and the boy who called me cute. I

begged for her not to make me go back. After I finished talking about my dreaded day at school

and my tears began to stop, my mom sat me down and explained to me that it is normal for boys

and girls to have crushes on each other. She also told me that dinosaurs don’t have to be strictly

for boys, and that it is completely normal for a little girl to wear a T-rex shirt even if that is not

something I would choose to wear.

Despite my best efforts of crying and tantrum throwing, I was forced to attend my second

day of kindergarten. My mom dropped me off at school once again, and I waited patiently for

my teacher to let us inside. Today, the T-Rex shirt girl was wearing a star wars shirt paired with

basketball shorts one again. During playtime I watched as she had fun playing trucks with the

boys in our class, while I sat and watched by myself. After some time, she approached me and

kindly asked if I wanted to be friends with her, and to come play. I accepted her offer, and

actually found myself enjoying playing with the “boy toys.” It was so different than the toys I

had at home, but that day I learned that toys should not have labels. Girls can play with toys

labeled to be for boys, and boys can play with toys labeled to be for girls. This goes for

everything else such as activities, clothes, jobs, etc.

Even though I consider myself to be very feminine, I also have a side to me that loves to

participate in more masculine activities. I love backpacking and camping, fishing with my uncle,

lifting weights, going shooting with my friends, and playing basketball with my buddies. On the

other hand I love to create the perfect makeup look, dress up and go out with friends, and shop at

bath and body works. Reflecting back on my childhood has shown me how much I have changed
as a person overtime, as well as what I believe to be my gender. It really is a never ending

journey!