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GOLDEN GIRLS CASTING
COVID-19 Vaccinations
now available to all,
on campus starting this
week!
MARTIN LAWRENCE SHOW
Finally, Martin and Gina moved from their apartment into
their new home. After so many years of working and saving
their incomes, they found themselves a home in Florida. Both
were able to transfer their jobs to Florida just because their
jobs are transferrable. Martin worked in the media forum, and
Gina worked as an attorney. They both realized that by
moving from their home state to Florida, they could earn
more money, create a lifestyle for themselves, and start a
family. After saving their income, they could afford a home of
at least $950,000 and a mortgage of $3,300 a month. Due to
their combined income of $1.3 million yearly, they were able
to afford their mortgage.
By: Altheia Jackson
At the ripe age of 50, Actress Betty
White is set to begin casting for a
new season of "The New Golden
Girls" television show. We acquired
the only & exclusive inside scoop
on this hush, hush casting from
Betty Whites' own manager Estevan
Salad. According to the hush, hush scoop by Mr.
Salad, likely names that may or may not play the
character of "The New Golden Girls" are, Jane
Fonda age 60, to play the flirtatious and slutty
character of Blanche Devereaux (Rue
McClanahan). Actress Glenn Close, age 99, to
play the witty, shameless & naughty old Sophia
Petrillo (Estelle Getty). Possibly to portray
Sophia's daughter in the show is Blythe Danner,
age 70, as the prude & know it all Dorothy
Zbornak (Bea Arthur). Not forgetting the
hilarious character of the not too bright &
innocent Rose Nylund from St. Olaf, played by
actress Betty White. This hilarious new show full
of life lessons & regrets, as the characters retell
stories of the good all days, is to start this fall.
Don't miss it!
By: Maria Gragg
How YOU Doin’ Bachelor Nation?!?!
In the latest Bachelor franchise news,
former “Friend,” Joey Tribbiani, has decided
he wants to try his luck at finding a wife!
Say whaaa? Will he find a woman to
share his love of sandwiches and accept
his Final Rose?

Royally Yours!
Duchess Karina and Duke- Prince John
Stuart of the English Stuart royal
family are finally welcoming their first-
born daughter, Duchess Katherine.
After five years of trying to bring a
pregnancy to term, few people hold
out hope; the miracle might happen
again, and a second child will be born
to the royal couple. Sadly, people close
to the family know that Duchess
Karina has lost her fair share of
pregnancies, unfortunate news
indeed. Although Prince John Stuart is
heir to the crown, Duchess Katherine
cannot inherit the English crown due
to backward sexist laws if a son is born
into her family. Duchess Katherine has
to survive long enough to see her
father inherit the crown to ever dream
of becoming queen. However, many
subjects of the English crown are very,
very happy with the news indeed.
Duchess Karina and Prince John
deserve a baby so much!
"They are so sweet together, and it
was regrettable to hear about Duchess
Karina's abortions." - said Cain Asdra
when interviewed by this journalist.
"They deserve a win!" - yelled a crowd
at the Pastrami Club bar.
We can assume that the country, as
well as the family, are excited about
the news. We congratulate the new
parents and wish them the best of luck
in the parenthood adventure!
By: Marimar Rivera
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How YOU Doin’ Bachelor Nation?!?! Continued from
page 1…
Or will he be left playing foosball, eating
pizza, and visiting The Central Perk alone
for all of eternity? The OG Ladies Man
will get to include his 7 lovely Italian
sisters in the choosing of his bride-to-be.
Also, in a new Season 26 twist, Joey will
be able to choose women to live as roommates with
his fellow “Friends”, Monica and Rachel, across the
hall, for however long he’d like! Talk about a plot
twist! Wow-wee! Catch the new season on Monday’s
at 8pm PST on ABC! Remember, “If he doesn’t like
you, this is all a moo point!”
By: Chelsea Miller
LONG LOST SON FOUND!
Beverly Hills' very own Dylan Mckay finds a long-lost son after
23 years. Thanks to a lifelong friend, Brandon Walsh, who was
covering a story for The Beverly Beat about the up-and-coming
company All Elite Wrestling. Brandon was interviewing "Jungle
Boy" Jack Perry when he realized the uncanny resemblance to
his dear friend, Dylan Mckay. Once he realized that this could
potentially be Dylan's son, he immediately contacted his friend
to have him fly down. Immediately upon meeting, it was like
they had known each other for years. They shared so much in
common, from hobbies to strikingly exquisite looks. Looking at
Jungle Boy, you would think you were looking at Dylan all those
years ago back in the halls of West Beverly. From the jungle to
Beverly Hills, this is a story worth the three count.
By: Mikala Miles
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WHO STOLE THE GLUTEN FREE RECIPE BOOK!?

This is just in; Elle Woods is back in the courtroom today after finally graduating from Harvard.
She is ready to defend Kourtney Kardashian, a pair you would never think would work
together. A source close to the case says that Kourtney "health freak" Kardashian, as her sister
calls her, has contacted the FBI to open an investigation. A known suspect broke into her
house and stole her gluten-free recipe book! Elle Woods, her lawyer, has also been working
tirelessly to find evidence against a prime suspect. The investigators involved in the case were told that not
only did the suspect take her book, but someone switched out her gluten-free snacks for new snacks full of
gluten. Quite the monstrosity, I would say! Rumor has it the suspect might be one of her sisters,
although nothing has been proven yet. Kourtney is furious and is willing to get to the bottom of
this; every family member is a suspect. The security footage at Kourtney's home had been erased.
Another close source says that this incident happened during a family gathering with close
friends. Will the Kardashian Clan be incriminated or the Jenner's? The crime of the year is still yet
to be resolved, and we will be in the front line to get the latest scoop.
By: Alejandra Meza
Utter Chaos on the Voice
Following the unexpected departure of celebrity judge Nick
Jonas from NBC’s The Voice, Kelly Clarkson conducted interviews
for the replacement last Thursday. Clarkson first suggested she was “still carrying on” when
all chaos broke out.
Former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger held the first slot. After five minutes, he
terminated his interview as he abruptly stood up and left, simply saying, “I’ll be back!”
“Don’t you wanna stay?” A confused Clarkson responded.
The second applicant, Buddy the Elf, still seeking his estranged adoptive father, arrived
hopeful, hearing ‘Nick’ had just left. However, after suggesting all contestants sing “Baby,
It’s Cold Outside,” Clarkson eventually had to ask him to “Walk Away.”
The current judge further explained what happened next “The stage door flew open, a
disheveled “Kramer” jolted in demanding “anyone seen a peacock!” Realizing his new
missing pet had not been drawn to the NBC logo, the unscheduled Seinfeld star just took a
seat, saying, “This is all wrong! Come on, watch how I do it!”
At this point, Apologetic Clarkson simply encouraged each contestant to “Just Sing.”
Finally, the exasperated singer/songwriter recalls hearing a complimentary voice excusing
herself, asking if anyone had said, “Thank you, next!” As the cheerful Ariana Grande
approached the set.
Although happy with the final selection, Clarkson summarizes the day by saying, “Never
again!”
By: Kristen Hunsaker
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Is the Truth Out There? "You'll See. You'll All See!"

Dr. Temperance “Bones” Brennan and Seeley Booth were called
in to work a case with Dana Scully and Fox Mulder. Hilarity
ensued when Mulder tried to convince Brennan that what they
were looking at was an alien. Loud shouts could be heard
coming from the pair, and insults were flying. “How you cannot
believe this is an alien is beyond me,” and “You’re an imbecile to
even think that was a possibility” was heard from both sides.
Mulder threw a chair across the room when Booth tried to
explain Brennan’s inability to believe in the unexplainable,
screaming, “The truth is out there!”. Booth, himself a believer in
the possibility of aliens, tried to reason with Brennan. Telling
her, “You sound really squinty right now.” Which, of course,
backfired and caused Brennan to storm away. Scully could be
seen standing by Brennan’s side, unconvinced that what they
were looking at was an alien. Yelling back at the two men, “The
truth is out there, but so are lies!”. Another agent stepped in,
separating the pairs. They needed to get back to the matter at
hand and the truth of what they were looking at on the table.
After doing a thorough investigation, the “alien” turned out to
be a mummy with a radioactive diamond in its chest, causing
the body to glow. The woman could be seen high-fiving and
gloating to the men, mocking them, thinking it could ever have
been an alien. The men quickly left and were not seen for the
rest of the day.
By: Tammy Condon
Lili Reinhardt and Cole Sprouse
The pair was spotted vacationing in the Vineyards Friday night at
approximately 3:45 p.m. The couple has been on and off for the past four
years. Both folks in question had recently deleted all posts that showed the
pair together on their respective social media. This comes as a surprise to
many, seeing as how they called it quits six months ago. Rumors began to
circulate that the pair might be vacationing last week but were dismissed
with no proof. The couple have always been private about their love life,
except for a few mushy couple photos here and there. They had been
spotted holding hands and canoodling. Both Brad and Michelle have
declined to comment.
By: Rosalie Romeo
As once said by Phoebe Buffay, We all finally
see it! Phoebe, formerly known as a
musician, finally finished med school and
started her residency at Grey Sloan
Memorial. Her hit song, "Smelly Cat," didn't
stop her! She went on to retire from her
music career and went to med school.
Phoebe's first moments at Grey Sloan
Memorial Hospital were caught on camera
this week. She was seen scrubbing in on an
appendectomy. Phoebe was spotted in OR
number 3, assisting the one and only
Meredith Grey. If Phoebe decides to
specialize in General surgery, she will have a
great teacher by her side. With the
Catherine Fox Award under her wing, clinical
trials, and years of experience, Phoebe will
have no issues navigating through the halls
of Grey Sloan Memorial. Based on clips that
were captured this week on camera, it looks
as so Phoebe has gained a couple of friends.
As she navigated the cafeteria during lunch,
she is spotted talking to multiple successful
doctors. She finally finds her way to the
tables and sits along with Jackson Avery,
Miranda Bailey, Maggie Pierce, and Jo
Wilson. After a long 12 house of work, we
got to interview Phoebe briefly. She gave us
a couple of lines of insight from her first day.
"It has been an honor to be here the past
couple of days. I have really enjoyed the
atmosphere and friendships here. I have
already learned so many new things that
med school would have never taught me in
only four days. Some of these things are
just learned with experience. I can't wait to
see what the future holds
here for me at Grey Sloan
Memorial Hospital." Phoebe
Buffay says. There you have
it, folks! Let's all wish Phoebe
a career full of
accomplishments and
successful experiences! Stay
tuned for some more insight
and juicy gossip!
By: Johana Valladolid