Toxic People Survival Guide

How to Identify &

Deal with Difficult People

Kris Reece
Dealing with difficult people can be downright draining. Whether it’s your co-worker, a family
member, or your child, difficult people are all around us.

As much as you would like to go with your “flight” instinct when it comes to dealing with difficult
people, sometimes that’s not an option. You may feel stuck in a situation with a family member
or a coworker. It’s easy to feel like this person is getting the best of you, but it doesn’t have to
be this way.

As a Personal Growth Coach and a Christian counselor, I have helped hundreds of people
lessen the stress that dealing with difficult people can bring. A crucial thing to remember is that
not all difficult people are created equal. In fact, there are five different types of challenging
personalities. On the pages that follow, I’ll provide you with expert tactics for how best to
handle each—as well as when to walk away. Use them to defuse tension, reduce stress, and
find a greater connection.

Where we begin...
Before we explore the types of difficult people and how to handle each, it’s important to understand that
we are all unique. We were all born with a unique temperament and each temperament handles difficult
people differently. Someone I perceive to be a difficult person may be just fine to you. Difficult people
aren’t necessarily always difficult—it all depends on whom they are trying to relate to.

To help you deal with the difficult people in your life, it’s crucial that you first come to understand your
own temperament.

There are five different temperaments and each one has a unique set of strengths, weaknesses, ways
of communicating and tactics for handling stress (which is what dealing with difficult people typically
creates).

What do I mean by temperament? I’m referring to your inborn nature—something that goes a lot
deeper than personality. Personality speaks only to the persona that you display to the world. You may
appear to be extremely confident when in fact you are the most insecure person in the room. That’s why
simply changing your behavior will not bring lasting results, nor will it bring the peace you so desperately
long for.

While it’s difficult to determine your exact temperament without a full analysis, you will likely recognize
yourself in one of these overviews.

Copyright 2019 - Kris Reece - All Rights Reserved

The Five Temperments

The Phlegmatic: Phlegmatics are good negotiators. If you are phlegmatic, you are task- and people-
oriented. You have a laidback approach to life and you make friends easily. The Phlegmatic has no fear
of rejection and can handle unaffectionate and hostile people. Because of the phlegmatic’s need for
peace, they tend to handle difficult people in one of two ways: They will either confront gently to bring
resolution or stick their head in the sand and hope the problem goes away.

The Supine: This temperament aims to please everyone. Supines have a very tender heart. If you are
supine you are a giver, but you are not entirely selfless—you need recognition. You often say yes when
you prefer to say no. Supines struggle with feeling inferior to others, so when it comes to dealing with
difficult people they often get run over and taken advantage of.

The Sanguine: This extroverted temperament is invigorated by being around people. If you are
sanguine, you love to talk to people. You often speak impulsively and dominate conversations.
Sanguines have difficulty when dealing with people who are challenging them to slow down and be
disciplined. They are frequently so optimistic that they forget why they were upset with someone.

The Melancholy: Melancholies are serious and introverted in nature. If you are melancholy, you are a
very private person. You demand truth, order, and reliability. Melancholies like people but too much time
in the company of others drains them. This is seriously exacerbated when dealing with difficult people.
Melancholies will typically get angry in their own mind and when pushed to the limit will explode, then
regret it, leaving the difficult person not taking responsibility for their end of the problem.

The Choleric: This temperament is fast-paced. If you are choleric you get things done! Many people
consider cholerics to be difficult people, however they are a very focused and driven temperament that
is not swayed by the emotions of others. They also have a very difficult time dealing with needy,
unmotivated people.

Copyright 2019 - Kris Reece - All Rights Reserved

The 5 Types of Difficult People - The Hot Head (Angry)
Anger is hard to hide, but there is a big difference between being upset about something and real anger
issues. Anger can be very difficult to deal with and can take root in a variety of types of people,
including those who are narcissistic, toxic, self-centered, conceited. The characteristics of angry people
include:
Irritability. Anger causes a person to become irritated with situations and circumstances
that would not bother him otherwise.
Impatience. Anger reduces tolerance for the weaknesses and limitations of others. An
angry person is often very demanding of others.
Raised voice. Anger is frequently expressed by a harsh, loud voice.
Harsh facial features. Anger affects the facial features in a powerful way. Watch for
squinted eyes, a penetrating glare, a pronounced frown, furrowed brows, a flushed
complexion, prominent veins, and enlarged pupils.
Hurtful words. An angry heart will spew out unkind words of complaint, hatred, ridicule,
and rejection.
Explosive actions. Anger puts extra force into simple actions like closing a door or setting
something down. Haphazardly throwing things or pushing things around often indicates
unresolved anger.
Relational breakdowns. An angry person will usually close his heart to those who offend
or hurt him. This rejection might be demonstrated by silence, poor eye contact, or
avoidance. Angry people will often blame others for their (re)actions. This is often used to
regain control of the relationship.
Attitudes of superiority. Angry people often feel the need to challenge the opinions,
ideas, or instructions of others, especially of those in authority.

Expert techniques for dealing with an angry person:

Take the high road. Angry people tend to intimidate and frighten others in an attempt to
get others to back down, further grounding them in their angry position. Trying to fight fire
with fire will likely only get you burned.
Stand your ground. The best approach to handling an angry person is to gently but firmly
stand your ground. Whether you need to talk to them about something or confront them on
an issue, stand firm, otherwise they will bully you. In standing firm, make eye contact, but
don’t glare. State your case—WITHOUT apologies, as they will only see it as weakness.
Then don’t budge. Keep stating your case, letting them know you will not be backing down.
Let calm prevail. When communicating with an angry person, it’s best that you remain
calm. I realize this is easier said than done but the best way you can save face and
potentially get the anger to subside is to remain calm and whatever you do, don’t make
them look like fools. Angry people would happily cut their nose off to spite their face.

Copyright 2019 - Kris Reece - All Rights Reserved

 The Bible says in Proverbs 29:11, “Fools give full vent to their rage,
but the wise bring calm in the end.” There is little negotiating when
it comes to an angry, narcissistic, toxic person. Because the emotions
are so hot, it’s near impossible for them to think clearly in that
moment (or at all). It’s a form of self-centeredness and they really
don’t care what you think or feel.

Where you might get stuck:

Relying on reason. It may be tempting to try reasoning with an angry person, but it won’t work during
the heat of the problem. It may work after tempers have cooled, however it’s likely that this will just flare
up tension again. That’s why it’s crucial to stand your ground.

Capitulating. You may also believe that if you just give this person what they want they will be satisfied.
Wrong again. An angry, narcissistic, toxic person is never satisfied and they will only see your
willingness to concede as a weakness to take further advantage of.

Exceptions to the rule:

Anger can be managed. Narcissism can be overcome. Toxic people can get healthy. However, the
exception only comes into play when the angry person is making a concerted effort to change. This
means, acknowledging their wrongdoing, stopping the behavior (even though there will likely be slip-
ups), and getting professional help.

When to leave:

Should you stay with an angry person? Whether you are dealing with a loved one or a boss, the Bible
says in Proverbs 22:24, “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one
easily angered.”

When you have done all you can to live at peace with this angry, narcissistic, toxic person and you see
no acknowledgment or improvement, it may be time to part ways. No one has a right to treat others in a
destructive manner. My husband had a family member who felt that because she was related to him she
could speak to him any way she wanted, disguising it as “just being herself.” This behavior is destructive
and it should not be tolerated. As my husband says, “I don’t care who you are, you do not get to dump
on me.”

And of course, if you fear for your safety and wellbeing, it is most definitely time to leave. You never
know the loss of your relationship could be the very thing that changes the other person. Just don’t
count on it. Copyright 2019 - Kris Reece - All Rights Reserved
The 5 Types of Difficult People - The Clinger (Needy)
Needy people can be extremely difficult to deal with. They can suck the life out of you with their
relentless hunger for attention or acceptance. If you don’t deal with them properly, they can wreak
havoc in your life. The challenge comes when you can’t tell the difference between being there for
someone in “need” and enabling a needy person.

Here are some qualities that identify the latter type of person:

Intrusive. Needy people have poor boundaries.

Overly dramatic. They make mountains out of molehills.
Critical. Needy people find fault with everyone and everything.
Complaining. Needy people rarely find anything to their liking.
Persistent. They are typically unable to take no for an answer.
Negative. They rarely find the positive in anything or anyone and if they do it’s usually just
a lead into the complaint
Victim mentality. Needy people are unable to accept responsibility, blaming others for
their actions and problems.

Expert techniques for dealing with a needy person:

Recognize your tendency. Needy people can spot rescuers from a mile away. Rarely are
needy people attracted to healthy people as it only shows their flaws. Rather they are
drawn to those who would be willing to take responsibility for their lives. So if you always
find that needy people are drawn to you, this may be time to do a self-examination and
perhaps get professional help to understand what need you are trying to fill in helping
them.
Don’t get sucked in. Needy people are always in need, no matter how much you help
them or how much you are there for them. Instead, set clear boundaries to protect yourself
from getting mentally and emotionally drained by this person. Needy people do, in fact,
need help but unless you are a professional counselor and willing to walk that road with
them, you are likely not the best person for the job.
Encourage them to make decisions and take responsibility for themselves. This can
be done by collaborating with them but leaving the ultimate responsibility up to them. You
can encourage them by asking questions such as: “What do you think is the best thing to
do?” “What kind of outcome are you looking for?” The more a needy person feels
comfortable with taking responsibility for herself, the more confidence she will build. Offer
encouragement when they make their own decisions, even if it was wrong.

Copyright 2019 - Kris Reece - All Rights Reserved

Where you might get stuck:

Letting your guard down. Needy people will do almost anything to maintain the relationship.
Remember, they “need” you. If you set proper boundaries with a needy person, they will almost always
get right in line to behave properly, but it’s just a matter of time before they revert right back.

Over-explaining. You may also feel like you always need to justify yourself to the needy person. This is
not true. It’s not their business why you need to say no. No is no and you don’t owe them an
explanation.

Exceptions to the rule:

Not all needy people are difficult, but it can be difficult when trying to relate to someone who is not
willing to pull their own weight. It’s like hiking through the mountains and you have to carry both
backpacks. In the rare case where there actually is something wrong with the person, yes, it is God like
to help and carry their burden, but only if you see that their need is temporary and they are learning how
to function on their own.

When to leave:

I recommend you limit your contact with needy people, as no matter what you do, it’s never enough.
There may very likely come a point when leaving the relationship is the only option. You’ll know this is
the case if you are suffering physically, mentally, and emotionally from the drain, they are putting on
you. This would also be necessary if the needy person is not respecting your boundaries. For more
information about how to set boundaries refer to my blog (link to boundaries).

Yes, we are called to love one another and help each other, but the needy person takes advantage of
the goodness of others to avoid personal responsibility.

Copyright 2019 - Kris Reece - All Rights Reserved

The 5 Types of Difficult People - The Dominator (Strong personality)
Strong personalities aren’t always bad but, depending on your temperament, can be difficult to deal
with. If you are a more mild-mannered temperament, the strong personality can be downright scary at
times. So how do you know if this difficult person is workable or the devil in disguise? Here are some
qualities that can help you identify strong personalities:

They hate small talk. The strong personality is usually very purpose driven and if you don’t
serve their purpose they are likely to be bored with you.
They are confident. But not in the phone way of some of the other difficult types. They
truly feel confident and are not moved by your opinion of them.
They can be dominant, aggressive, rude, and arrogant. These descriptors actually do
not typify a person with a powerful, independent personality at all. A truly strong person will
not display these traits but a difficult person will.

Expert techniques for dealing with a strong personality:

Recognize your emotions. Are you the type that gets intimidated by stronger
personalities? If so, the issue may lie more with you learning how to not take it personally.
Unless the person with a strong personality is being blatantly harmful towards you, this is
probably your best approach. Or, perhaps you too are a strong personality. If this is the
case, try to use this as a lesson for how NOT to be with the people you come in contact
with.
Don’t react. Strong personalities love when you engage with them on their level but doing
so will only bring greater frustration, because if you are arguing and getting defensive than
you’re both wrong and this takes the blame off of them. Instead try to diffuse the situation,
maybe with humor. If that fails, then just let the strong personality act inappropriately and
respond calmly. In doing so, their actions stand out like a sore thumb to others, it helps you
keep your own peace and believe it or not, the strong personality will actually build more
respect for you since they recognize that you are strong too (just in a different way).
Seek to gain clarity. Strong personalities will tend to dominate and bulldoze over people to
get what they want. The next time someone with a strong personality tries to insult you,
ask, “What is it specifically that you are not satisfied with?” Or, “Have you considered the
implications of what you are asking?” These types of clarifying questions keep the strong
personality from intimidating you with general and verbally abusive statements and it
serves to focus them on being specific. You can then asses whether or not you are capable
of meeting their needs.

Copyright 2019 - Kris Reece - All Rights Reserved

Where you might get stuck:

Playing the calm card. You might think that your calm, cool behavior is going to change their behavior,
or that this person will soften when they see how kind and calm you are. This is likely not the case. The
kind and calm approach is more for you than for them. Those with strong personalities have likely gotten
their way their entire lives by bullying and controlling others. This behavior is not likely to change
overnight. Rather it takes a willingness to see the harm they are causing and a desire to turn from that
behavior. You are likely not going to be the one to make this happen.

Exceptions to the rule:

As I said earlier, not all strong personalities are bad. In fact, we need strong personalities in this world to
fight. The problem comes in when that “fight” mode is applied to everyday life and interaction. There are
strong personalities who simply are powerful in everything they do including how they speak to others.
There are strong personalities that recognize that they come across strong and intimidating and are
willing to try and ‘tone down’ their approach to not hurt you. Recognize if you are dealing with a person
who has been gifted with a strong personality and they are trying to harness it or one that uses it to suit
their own selfish motives.

When to leave:

If you can hold your own with a strong personality, it’s likely that you will benefit greatly from them.
However, if this strong personality is using their powers for harm rather than good, it may be time to
pack your bags. It will only be a matter of time before you are the object of their abuse. If you find that
the strong personality you are with is dominating, controlling, abusive, and unwilling to get help, it’s time
to protect yourself by getting out.

Copyright 2019 - Kris Reece - All Rights Reserved

The 5 Types of Difficult People - The Attention Hog (Immature)
Just because you age chronologically doesn’t mean that you mature emotionally. Many adults today are
stuck at an emotional age much lower than their actual age. This can wreak havoc in relationships as
it’s difficult to relate to an adult who is acting like a child or a teenager.

The following habits that can help you identify an immature individual:

Emotional escalations. Young children cry, get mad, and pout when they don’t get what
they want. Immature adults do the same.
Blaming. Children always look to blame someone but adults look to fix problems. Immature
adults, however, will continue to blame.
Lying. Immature people look to avoid responsibility by lying instead of dealing with the
truth, just as children do.
Impulsivity. Maturity requires learning to control your impulses, especially when it comes
to striking back. An immature adult is less likely to be able to hold their tongue and not get
defensive.
A need for attention. Immature adults always feel the need to be the center of attention,
making it difficult to carry on a good conversation without it always going in their direction.
Immature adults will show their disinterest in something just like a child does—by not
paying attention.

Expert techniques for dealing with an immature person:

Recognize your own struggle. If you are the choleric or melancholy temperament you will
likely have no patience for this type of behavior. If you are a sanguine temperament you
may find yourself giving in to this behavior in order to gain their approval. Immature
behavior should never be encouraged, either by laughing along with them or by not
correcting it.
Offer objective, constructive, and gentle feedback. Talk to this person about their
behavior but do so in a loving manner as most immature people have a deficiency in their
coping skills. I have found that most immature people don’t want to be immature—to help
them out of this pattern, they need to be shown and told where they are acting
inappropriately. Many immature people have never been taught the proper skills to resolve
conflict, negotiate, and be considerate of the needs of others.
Have patience. As frustrating as it is to witness a grown adult behaving more like a six
year old, it’s always best to meet a person where they are and bring them gently to where
they should be. You wouldn’t think of forcing your six year old to act like a 40 year old,
would you? Of course not. The same is true for a 40 year old acting like he is six. There
has been a 34-year gap of life lessons missed. It will likely take time.

Copyright 2019 - Kris Reece - All Rights Reserved

Where you might get stuck:

Giving in to frustration. When dealing with an immature person you might get stuck in getting so
frustrated with their behavior that you reject them. This will only serve to damage their self-esteem
further and exacerbate their immaturity.

Being too accepting. You may also get stuck in trying to love them where they are to the point that you
actually encourage the immature behavior. Like children, immature people usually want to please those
around them, so encourage good behavior and do not allow any wiggle room for immature behavior. As
tempting as it may be, be very careful not to talk to them like children.

Exceptions to the rule:

There are cases where medical reasons or a past trauma is the cause of the immaturity. In these cases,
extra patience must be exercised if you are going to be of any help in their maturation.

When to leave:

Immaturity and ignorance are not an excuse for bad behavior. When you have done all you can to
correct someone, and to place appropriate boundaries to protect yourself and still the immature person
is infecting your life, it may be time to distance yourself. Your staying and tolerating the immature
behavior only serves to enable it further.

Copyright 2019 - Kris Reece - All Rights Reserved

The 5 Types of Difficult People - The Truth Twister (Manipulative)
Being the victim of manipulation is a hair-raising feeling because it so often results in you beginning to
question yourself. Perhaps you feel guilty for suspecting this person’s motives. Or perhaps you can’t
see how it’s possible for someone to be devious in an attempt to get what he or she wants from you.
Manipulation can look and feel different depending on the source. A narcissist will manipulate slightly
differently than a needy person, but it’s still manipulation.

Here are some characteristics that can help you identify a manipulative person:
Using your weaknesses against you. A manipulator will seek to find your weakest area
and use it to their advantage until they achieve their desired outcome. A needy person may
use guilt and a narcissist may use charm, but both are great at reading people.
Taking advantage of your better instincts. Manipulators will often convince you to be
selfless, but instead of inspiring you to act from your higher nature, they are actually
seeking to serve their own self-centered interests. Often the manipulator will give the
impression of being willing to negotiate but as soon as they get what they want, game
over!
Repeat offenses. Once a manipulative person has created a chink in your armor, they will
continue to use those tactics.
Acting differently with different people. A manipulator knows whom she can manipulate.
So if you see someone being extremely nice to one person and rude and dismissive to
another, this person is likely manipulative.

Expert techniques for dealing with a manipulative person:

Recognize it. You can’t battle or defend against a technique you don’t realize is being
used against you, so raising your awareness of manipulative behavior is key. Manipulation
can be overt and aggressive or it can be subtle and passive.
Ask challenging questions. Manipulators love to think that they’ve got you wrapped
around their little finger—that you are believing the lies that are spewing out of their mouth
and taking them as truth. Instead, challenge them with questions. This may be very
uncomfortable for some temperaments as they dislike confrontation (and this tactic can feel
very confrontational) but it is necessary to show the manipulator that her plans will not
work.
Keep your distance. If you are the type who believes if you just give in or negotiate with a
manipulative person that things will be OK, you are fooling yourself. When confrontation
doesn’t seem to make a difference, it may be time to stop engaging all together and keep
your distance from this person. If you choose to distance yourself, you will likely
experience other forms of manipulation from them to get you to come back. Don’t blame
yourself for whatever they are accusing you of. Remember you are of value too and your
focus in life is not to give in to their distortion of reality.

Copyright 2019 - Kris Reece - All Rights Reserved

Where you might get stuck:

Over-explaining. You may also feel like you always need to justify yourself to the needy person. This is
not true. It’s not their business why you need to say no. No is no and you don’t owe them an
explanation.

Giving in to Guilt. Many manipulators are excellent not at just manipulating but at detecting the people
who can be manipulated. If you struggle with constant guilt, it may speak to a deeper issue on your
end. If you would like to stop being a target for manipulators, it may be time to seek wise counsel to
understand where the guilt root is coming from.

Exceptions to the rule:

Not all manipulation is bad—think of the potter at the wheel, manipulating his clay to come out the way
he desires. His use for this pottery may be a noble and good one. Or consider how a therapist may
manipulate a question in an effort to help her client gain greater clarity. In several cases, manipulation is
used for the betterment of another. But in most cases—and especially when dealing with difficult people
—manipulation, is typically used for the controller’s pleasure at the victim’s expense.

When to leave:

It’s very difficult to remain in a relationship with a manipulative person. That’s because the very act of
being in a relationship takes work from both parties. A manipulative person has little to no interest in
working on the relationship. Rather, they are focused on what they can get out of the relationship. If you
have found that no amount of questioning, expressing your hurt, or trying to meet their needs has
helped, it may be time to walk away. If you don’t feel good about yourself, it may be time to leave and
get help for yourself. If you find that you are frequently a target for manipulators, it would be a good idea
to seek professional help to try and understand why. In doing so, you will likely strengthen your
boundaries and will no longer find manipulative people drawn to you.

Copyright 2019 - Kris Reece - All Rights Reserved

To know how to deal with difficult people takes knowing yourself, mastering the art of
communication, and a being willing to let others be responsible for themselves. As you become
more confident in setting boundaries with difficult people, you will begin to see your life filled
with more peace, regardless of the situations or people that you encounter.

Kris Reece holds a Ph.D. in Christian Counseling and a

Master’s Degree in Theology. As a Christian Life Coach,
Relationship Coach, Christian Counselor, Author and
Speaker, Her passion is to help others unleash their
hidden potential and become everything they were created
to be. Her desire is to see others set free from the
expectations of toxic people and live life abundantly.

To connect on social media, sign up for your free

newsletter, get more information on temperament analysis,
or to set up a complimentary discovery call to see if
Christian Life Coaching or Counseling is right for you, visit
Kris at www.KrisReece.com

Copyright 2019 - Kris Reece - All Rights Reserved