The Daily Impossible

Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Dr. Ramani Durvasula
Professor. Psychologist. Author

The Challenges of Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

o Being undermined o Triangulation
o Criticism and contempt o Observing your children’s pain
o Poor boundaries o Family gaslighting
o Game-playing, shape-shifting, and o The courts
moving the goal-posts o Money
o Gaslighting o Exhaustion
o Grief o The balancing act of protecting your
o Not getting into the mud child while remaining authentic
o Confusion o Projection

The Fears of Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

o What will this do to my children?
o What if he/she remarries?
o What if I remarry?
o What if they succeed in pushing a wedge between me and my children?

The Tricks
o DOCUMENTATION
o Realistic expectations
o Talking about it without saying it
o Radical acceptance
o Don’t engage, defend, explain
o Write the text twice – just the facts…..
o Having a good advocate and community
o Therapy and reality checks
o “think forensically” (T. Swithin)

What do we mean by narcissism?

Interpersonal Behavioral Dysregulation Antagonistic Cognitive

Lack of empathy Superficial Rage Grandiose Paranoid

Manipulation Covetous/envious Validation Entitled Hypersensitive

seeking
Projection Cheap/generous Inability to be Passive- Lack of insight
alone aggressive or guilt
Lying Careless Fragile/insecure Schadenfreude Skewed sense of
justice
 Poor boundaries Shame Arrogance Hypocritical

Jealously Impulsivity Exploitative

Gaslighting Lack of
responsibility
Controlling Vindictive
Contempt Oppositionality

The Fragile Tyrant

Pretentious

Grandiose
“I’m the king of the world”

Arrogant
Narcissism

Vulnerable
“The world doesn’t see Hypersensitive
that I should be the king of Fragile
the world”

Ronningstam

Narcissism is on a continuum

Subclinical “Benign” Grandiose/Covert Malignant

Less Severe More Severe

The Types
o Grandiose o Neglectful
o Covert/Vulnerable o Benign/Subclinical
o Malignant o Generational/Cultural
o Communal
The types matter
• Grandiose narcissists – parenting (as much of life) is putting on a show for them – and
they have to “look good” so they may continue to try to win over your friends and
family, the school and parents at the school, purchase things and experiences for the
children, and act out when they can’t balance this image with wanting to keep their
“new life” going
• The proverbial “Disneyland Dad/Mom”

• Malignant narcissists may be more apt to attempt to use the courts to punish you by
manipulating custody and financial arrangements

• The covert narcissists will remain sullen victims and may share this victimhood with
children who may struggle with confusion about guilt

• The communal narcissists will continue to derive identity from their children and want
to parade around their “parent-ness” without really wanting to do the work and will get
validation by being a publicly involved parent (but will still engage in high conflict
behaviors that are clearly not good for your child)

• The neglectful narcissists will hurt your children by being disengaged

• Cultural/generational narcissistic patterns may manifest with family getting involved

and shame generated around the divorce (regardless of circumstances), and ongoing
attempts to still keep you in a controlled familial dynamic

CAVED

Conflictual Antagonistic

Dysregulated Vulnerable

Entitled
 How do people become difficult?
And this matters because you do not want to replicate these cycles

o Over and underindulgence o Over-parenting and disappointment

o Adverse childhood experiences o Extrinsically focused parenting
o Modeling difficult behavior o Enabling (familial and societal)
o Conditional worth

Anxiety
and Mood
Narcissism or
High Conflict
Enabling Personality
Styles
Antagonistic
Legacy Issues

A person can experience

Relational multiple pathways!
Dysregulation
Dysfunction

I don’t want my children to replicate this cycle

• Empathy
• Board games, pausing while reading, film/TV show chats
• Supporting emotional communication
• The importance of teaching emotional regulation
• Team sports or other team/group oriented exercises
• Modulating entitlement around “things” and “experiences”
• Volunteering and community involvement
• Dinner/breakfast table conversations
• Clear expectations and contingencies
• High/Low exercise
• Mindfulness
Some tricks
• Never say the word narcissism
• It starts to feel like the game “Taboo” – use the CAVED framework when needed
• Play down the lion/lioness scenario
• Try and get a parenting agreement that allows you to get psychotherapy or other
therapies as needed for your child
• Fight the right fights
• Do not speak poorly of the other parent and simultaneously do not gaslight your child
• Get a therapist who gets it

The Narcissistic Relationship

Love Bombing

Idealization
and Devaluing Discarding Hoovering
Seduction

Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse - The structure of every difficult relationship

1. Contempt
2. Defensiveness
 3. Stonewalling
4. Criticism

The 8 Narcissist Magnets

1. Overly empathic
2. Rescuers
3. Very positive/optimistic people
4. Uber-forgivers
5. Adult children of narcissistic parents
6. Adult children from very happy families
7. People going through difficulty or transition
8. People with histories of trauma and significant loss

Family Roles
o Golden child
o Scapegoat
o Invisible child
o Handmaid
o The fixer
o The truth teller

Lexicon of difficult, toxic and narcissistic relationships

o Baiting o Gaslighting o Narcissistic injury

o Boundaries o Ghosting o Narcissistic rage
o Breadcrumbing o Gift giving o Narcissistic supply
o Coercive control o Gray rock o No contact
o Co-dependency o Hoovering o Passive aggression
o Cognitive o Intimacy avoidance o Projection
dissonance o Invalidation o Scapegoating
o Discarding and o Love bombing o Stonewalling
devaluing o Manipulation o Trauma bonding
o Enabling o Mind reading o Triangulation
o Estrangement o Mirroring o Word salad
o Flying monkeys o Narcissistic
o Future faking amnesia

Gaslighting

• Statements that deny the reality of another individual

• It qualifies as emotional abuse – and for many it starts in childhood
• Impacts: Confusion, frustration, self-doubt, defensiveness
 • Predicated on trust, expertise, authority – ultimate goal of the gaslighter is consent and
that you AGREE with them (it’s not just about going along – it’s about AGREEMENT)
• Examples:
• You are too sensitive
• You have no right to feel that way
• I never did/said that – that never happened
• That’s just how s/he is
• You are crazy – there is something wrong with you
• It wasn’t that bad
• Types of gaslighting
• Individual
• By proxy
• By tribe
• Institutional
• Societal

Narcissistic Rage: Shame-Rage Spiral

Event that may reveal the

narcissist’s deficits – a passing Shame is
activated
comment, a slight, an insult or
other ego injury Overt rage – explosive anger, violence, yelling
Passive aggressive rage – holding grudges,
ruminating about schemes to control, harm or
dominate the shame activator
Lash out at
source of shame

Guilt and more

shame over
behavior
Remorse, shame,
consequence about or from
manifesting this pattern
More rage Kohut, 1972; Krizan and Johar, 2015

NA Fallout
 o Rumination o Second guesing o Shame
o Regret and self-doubt o Irritability
o Euphoric recall o Helplessness o Suicidal thoughts
o Loneliness o Powerlessness o Hypervigilance
o Flashbacks/remind o Grief o Hyperarousal
ers o Isolation o A-town (anger,
o Difficulties with o Confusion anxiety, apathy,
trust o Maladaptive anhedonia,
o Fear of being alone coping amotivation,
o Depression o Self-devaluation anergia)
o Sleep difficulties o Difficulty
concentrating

Narcissistic Abuse
• An evolving phenomenon – different than….
• PTSD
• C-PTSD
• Adjustment Disorders
• A pattern manifested by people who have endured and experienced the behaviors
observed in relationships with narcissists
• DIMMED
• Devaluation, Invalidation, Minimization, Manipulation (gaslighting), Entitlement,
Dismissiveness (Dehumanization)

Physical Fallout from NA

o Headaches
o Muscle pain and tension
o Diminished immune function
o Stress related illness
o Fatigue
o Poorer adherence

Getting Stuck in Difficult Relationships

o Gaslighting by tribe o Culture and intergenerational
o Societal expectations o Pressure to forgive
o Hope o Self-gaslighting
o Fear o Lack of knowledge
o Practical factors o Guilt
o Children

Survivor behaviors
o Making excuses o Isolation
o Eggshell walking o Self-neglect
o Second chances o Perfectionism
 o Strategy shifting o Self-blame
o Rationalization and justification

Preparing to Go
o Document o Legal guidance and advocacy
o Communicate with trusted o Gradual structural changes and a go-
stakeholders bag
o Therapy o Keep the social media clean

Healing and Growth

o Therapy o Meaning purpose success
o Grief work o The Ick List
o Fairness and injustice o The Fantasy List
o Reconnecting with your community o Crackers in bed
o Creating YOUR community o Grief and growth rituals
o Protecting yourself and boundaries o Social media dust off
o Letting go o Cleaning out your psychological
o Routine and daily practices closet
o Silencing the voices of others

Tools for staying sane with difficult people

o Minimize engagement – Less is more o Radical acceptance

o Realistic expectations
o Stop trying to solve and fix “what
can I do?”
o Stop defending and explaining
o Maintain clear boundaries and gate
keeping
o Avoid personalizing
o Here and now vs. history (stop airing
the grievances)
o Use your tone
o The Bookends: Prepare and Detox
o Jounarling and documentation
 How Did We Get Here?

Society

Community

Family

Individual

Materialism/consumerism

Metrics of success

Social media
Charm Charisma
Societal insecurity and social comparison

Extrinsic motivation
Confidence Credentials
Educational systems

Parenting
Checklists
Staying Sane in a Narcissistic World
o 90/10 rule
o Narcissist fluffing – validate, smile, exit
o Self-compassion: self-kindness, mindfulness, collective humanity
o Gaslight repellant
o Tend To Your Own Garden

Mantras to keep with you

o They will not change
o I no longer have to live in dissapointment
o I can hold on to my reality
o I can trust my instincts
o It is a choice to live authentically and stop cutting off parts of myself
o I got my life back
o I am worthy of being seen and heard
o I am enough
o I will find healthy love

Dr. Ramani Durvasula www.doctor-ramani.com

drramani@doctor-ramani.com
Social media: @DoctorRamani