———— t—S ‘THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE seco. und Co to create an environment that is safe, Igeie an ive, Ironically, this tren‘ shologically supportive. nit be soatngthe lives of our children more difficult rat re cialization, have a dif- virtue of their unique $0 ° ae Bho with so-called negative emotions than z : ‘unpleas- ener do, Asians are better able to tolerate unple 2 v omatons, Because they donot attempt to avid oF oe int emotions. - ve these feelings, they are also more open {0 pest - aa ‘evenif they do not try to artificially swvor tl moods, Jong periods. CHAPTER 3 What’s So Good About F ‘eeling Bad? URING THE FIRST half ofa professional basketball game when Pat Dis was coach of the Los Angeles Lakers, the team was com- pletely unfocused. They were watching the cheerleaders, telling each other jokes, and generally ignoring what was happening on the basket- ‘all court. The only one who had his head in the game was star player em Abdul-Jabbar. At halftime, Riley threw a calculated fit that gn with yelling and climaxed with his upending a tray full of paper filled with water. The only casualty, Kareem, was soaked. Seeing is, his teammates felt guilty that their bad behavior had led to Ka- (s unfairly suffering from the coach's anger, so they pulled them- les together and overcame a twenty-point deficit to win the game. It ‘out that Riley hed always intended for the water to land on Ka- , and his strategy worked. Does anyone think the team would have played better if Riley had into the locker room at halftime intending to create an atmosphere t love, or contentment? Expressing anger—in this instance —was ‘hat the problem called for. As we see from the reactions of the 3 ee eel‘THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE jons ean be highly motivational. Unless you open i. ‘you will miss out on impor fall players, negative emot some negative feelings, ee ees some of life's most useful tools. If yo ruities to wield . ea a = to constantly search for something ra q 0 * ei Hs in hopes of eliminating, hiding, or concealing, nee 4 - the game of life, You cannot get rid of eas squelching happiness, meaning tions, yo oe tive emotions without unintentio ss ewig itives too, Remember the depressed grit, curiosity, maturity, wisdom, and personal grow! ives and you numb the pos jooe n't Jaugh at the comic film? ‘Americans who di Why Bad Can Be More Powerful Than Good i at Florida State University published ee ned an ora good.” ee iain ar a -asut al atk a a Ah ae wwe have a stronger reaction to negative 3 a sve do to postive ones. T take jst one example 302 on “American adults more or Tes ike us, having a ery Desa sai influence the quality ofthe following day- on 7 er a ther hand, did spill over into how people f nos bo (qroggy), ate breakiast (oatmeal is prison food, a wes gating and cutting off cas to shave off 0 ‘minutes ne sal reseatall ‘This same pattern emerges time and again in psychological rese it 120 «e-When sox works well in a marriage, itaceounts for a ‘cent ofthe difference in marital satisfaction between What's So Good About Feeling Bad? ‘When sex goes poorly, on the other hand, it accounts for awhop- ping 50 to 75 percent of the variation. * Schoolchildren were asked whether anybody in their class was an “undesirable friend.” If they put someone on the undesirable lis, they also described that person as being bad at sports and homework, as well as having a host of other failings. Yet, when they listed someone as a “desirable friend,” the positive judg- ‘ment had no influence on whether the person was also viewed as athletic, studious, or attractive, People react more strongly to unpleasant smells—wrinkling their noses longer—than they do to pleasant odors that briefly put a smile on their faces ‘The Baumeister team has compiled a comprehensive and compel- ling case that negative events, experiences, relationships, and psycho- logical states take an extra toll on our sensitivities, compared with their positive counterparts. You might wonder at this seemingly pessimistic ‘conclusion, but we remind you that—in the abstract—negativity is our onary birthright. Negative evaluations are essential to survival bitter leaf is also poisonous), and nowhere is this more true than negative emotions. Emotions serve as a tracking system for experi- and provide a quick mental thumbs-up or -down that signals you approach or avoid any given situation, Tis easy to see that having a brief spat with your spouse might be ‘memorable than a pleasant good-bye kiss in the morning, but what Unpleasant states such as frustration and disappointment? Are felt more keenly than their upbeat cousins, enthusiasm and content- Try this as an entry point for thinking about negative emotions: Pa moment and write down all the words for negative emotions you 55‘THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE an think of, and then do the same for postive emotions Most likely your ist list longer than the second: This mY be because negative ‘words carry more specific meaning than postive onct do (simply con- rat lve and anger of happy and fear. In another study, researchers setersted in how people remember the emotional vers of their lives ‘adults and then had them recall tracked the actual day-to-day moods of the frequency and intensity of their emotions throughout the two-week study. As you might imagine, prone to remember the intense events—both postive and timated the frequency of their past positive calty accurately recalling their negative en's “We also have far more techniques for reducing, terminating, and eran negative emotions than we have skills for enhancing postive feelings: “Think back to the last time you had to navigate a customer SIS situation, Perhaps you were trying t0 make a doctors appointment ‘vhen few convenient times were available, oF you mY have been rep in an effort to get a onetime waiver on you were speaking with an ane repre seating, Can you remember Your and play nice? Or did you rast and speak aggressively? You are a nie person, we¥s BNE in, so you probably chose the kind route, The tough pill for most of overbearing sereamers often ge to swallow is that those Feisty personalities, although unpleasant, can be tremendously sre advocating here would expan fective. The psychological agility we your repertoire to give you acess to the tougher, more directa sometimes more effective approach. Youre probably avoiding strategy because you think that being negative well, negative ‘may think that aggressive, hostile, oF downright mean people speaking with a credit eard alate payment charge. Maybe: sentative in hopes of finagling priority approach? Did you adopt a warm tone your voice What's So Good About Feeling Bad? generally jerks and that you don’t want to run with that erowd. sport news stata whole range of negatvity—of beneficial nin ‘you—has nothing to do with being a jerk = {egative emotions can also help you focus on the situa oe tai about to drill a hole in the wall, chances ae on the mesurenis ced a wells a tho potion of your hand. The anxiety associated with the downside risk — you to drill in exactly the right spot. (Cutting pieces of birthday mad aplastic knife is a very different experience, in which a pol camgh ay pins sea enough) Research by Kate Harkness from Qo - Be 7 people prone to depressed moods also tend to no- = isis prtclarl true when comes to faa expres .ppy-g0-lucky individuals take in the broad strokes—okay, have anose and some eyes and it looks like your eyebrows are ise. The to folks in the Harkness studies, by contrast, were ek eyed ‘ poe fl expression, attuned to the smallest quiver ofa lip rrowing of the eyes. This is why—and you've probably ed this—when you are in a fight with your romantic partner (a i ae you read even the tiniest changes in their demeanor, ee cs eee y people glos ver the fine print and if that leads to more interactions, then shouldn't we all be satisfied with their le no, Would yon really prefer ahappy; easy ee sgrumpier one who would be sure to catch D problem in that new contract? We wouldn't either. a of air traffic control (ATC) tends to the negative. This fe ome ATC is a safety-conscious industry in which the pa mistakes can be high. At the minor end of the spec- to delays and logistical complications; at the other oUl ‘THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE cen, costs can ran ato tens of milion of dollars and hundreds of peo- ple dead. Pushing tin, as ATC ‘work is sometimes irreverent called, requires an eye for detail those litle blips on the radar sereen are 8€- tually airplanes, each with its own 6 ‘number, altitude, speed, and fight plan. Negative emotions like ansety and suspiciousness can act Tike an attentional fonnel that narrows the ‘mind's eye to important details, These is n0 room in ATC for good enough. Jn keeping with the control tower, no one NO- “yhat we've seen, when all goes right in tices; people only pay special attention svhen things go wrong, Louisville, Kentucky, told us Greg Petto, an ar traffic contrller in that his tower is responsible for fifty square smiles of air traffic between. the ground and an altitude of ten ‘thousand feet. This is a high-stress job in which planes that come ‘within three miles of one another are sy lose, Peto deserbes the radar room 356 dojo, ‘cutting it dangerous the Japanese word for @ mati arts no room. The controllers Jr busiest time is in. the smanage seven hundred fights every day and th ‘dale ofthe night, when local Federal Express jets take tothe skies in vcard mumibers. We asked him whether knowing that FedIixis trans porting packages, and not human high-stakes game at night «To be honest,” he replied, “I have screen, IfT stopped to actually Td go crazy.” the planes at just the right distance and at just the right time vide inhi work, Peto is te first (0 a really good.” Despite his pt that there is a litle negativity built into the controllers thems “They can be a bit bratty o¢ ‘competitive when they: got wound tight." deal with it by poking fun at one another, oF by going home and Pr ing, or drinking, depending on Your cultural leanings” 3 cargo, makes ATC seem like less ofa to think ofall planes as dots on shink about the real deal up in the igh “Rad then headed, “Te eels good though 0 ne WE all Ie fees What's So Good About Feeling Bad? It’ important to linger here for a mom i people make a huge mistake where = ee we | ‘They typically separate the experience of negative feelin Sai expression of negative feelings. Most people we chat with, ae s eo that feeling bad is a valid, and even inevitable, ei ove = ae hand, expressing frustration, oF even too olen ma to met els Hts sive expt once ie sor ose inner processes are largely hidden and di- — sores onthe eroen, This atid eis in waying Ee ra a a its part of the idea that it’s easier to live in a ae reese sng than tis to coe with poop who es the point that emotional expressions exist 4 a reason. Emotional expressions are an important way in which ve a with others. A furrowed brow or a frown warns = Ee ha ee in S ‘mood (and sometimes youre not in the i cteoen oh Sed end. eg around né feelings, including negative ones, is a big = ee oe —" rman emotional If Negative Emotions Are So Helpful, Why Don’t We Like Them More? : — £© consider thi: how much wold you pay to aid ‘that public speaking performance when the crowd refused or ee fidgeting? Think of a time that you bullied an — eo eof your insecurities how snc would it be worth replaying that cringeworthy experience? On the flip side, 8————— THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE how much would you spend to relive the excitement of the fist date vith your now husbandvife/romantc partner? Think of the Pest mss sage in your life: how much would you spend for one jus 5 relaxing, if you could have it right now? Dr. Hi Po Bobo Lau from team posed these very questions i scenario of participants in the st life when you felt very happy: Now, tween §2 and $200) would you be willing to spend to re-ereate this feeling? Once you come up with an exact dollar amount Tet move Om seother postive emetions. Asie of pln? Hacinmnent? Now lets fo- ces on negative emotions. Think ofa specific memory when You felt intense regret. How much would you pay to avoid that feling again? 2 Embarrassment? What we're asking you to do is put What about fear! san exact dollar amount on each ofthese emotion. You might gues by vow that avoiding pain was worth more money to partiipants than buying happiness. Bu lets be precise, down tothe penny: This is what Dr. Lau's subjects were willing to pay: the University of Hong Kong and his wn their research, Enter the dreamlike dy, Think of a specific time in your ‘how much (assign a price tag be- $44.30 for ealm tranquility, 362.80 for excitement, $79.06 for happiness, $83.27 to avoid fear, £$92,80 to avoid sadness, $99.81 to avoid embarrassment, and $106.26 to avoid regret. Only one emotion was more valuable than avoiding regrets and! excitement, and feeling calm are good, was love. Sure, happiness, 60 What's So Good About Feeling Bad? mr Ga ‘want someone who will accept, value, and care ae a . Love was worth $113.55. Ifyou, the reader, are oe log ne. might be skeptical about these dollar figures. ao at when posed the same questions, adults from the pene ngdom had the same shopping experience: while tranquil and excitement ($60.90) were worth purchasing, the 2 match for the need to escape embarrassment ($71.83) a, ($64.40), and nothing was worth more than love ($115.16) “ee ‘hese dollar amounts offer a window into how motivated we in man beings ar to ater our ier and outer words, OF utmest por tance is the desire to be accepted. This is a problem because ve hae eo oe what oer people will say and do tous we only con ol how we think and act; This lack of contro, this feeling of uncer- tainty, might be the ultimate uncomfortable psychological state. Ne far behind are fears of feeling regret and embarrassment. So eth ne ‘most valuable emotional states center on how we are viewed oie ‘people; unfortunately, concerns about negative emotions ee a the way of winning approval in the immediate moment. But thi Hee one reason for our hate-hate affair with negative emotions = We avoid negative emotions not because we're too dumb to kn but for four basic—and very intuitive—reasons = |. They are unpleasant, 2, They represent getting stuck in a rut 3. They are associated with a loss of personal control. 4. They are perceived (correctly!) a having social cost, Sipps ocelot four fundamental motives. First, we ing crappy because feeling crappy feels exappy: That i, alt THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE negative emotions are unpleasant. The idea of spending the oe experiencing stress or disappointment is about as a csp : 8 the day getting « Brazilian wax treatment. People mal oe a in their desire to avoid the unpleasant but, rather, in adequ oss of negative emotions. AS ity to adequately tolerate the distress of ar of the women waiting to learn whether they tions actually feel a little less bad than have been both angry and fearful 1 moment ‘we saw in the example were pregnant, negative em most of us might anticipate. You * vand_—chances are—you are feeling neither in this particu thove feelings passed, and youre none the worse for living throvgh in You're more eapable of handling unpleasant emotions than you give yourself credit for. Considerthelast time you wer bere bore niversity of Calgary argues that i ve ne social interactions or routines are leaving you with 4 — that youre not satisfying There may be litle you can do nen a ing bored when youre listening to a lengthy speech, or a ne on along flight, but often you ean extract yourself from boring situations. Boredom is often an important indicator that you onl : it iting attitude (per tering new situations with a limiting attitud ae downwind roel jugnent. More interest he being bored, you deal with the feeling bored, for instance. Peter Toohey of sn isa functional tool it ets Pe hhaps you're being closed-mi ing still, while you likely lat just fine in every single instance, think about being bored, you natural hat you gloss over is that you have effect dreds (if not thousands) of times over the course e Jear ‘A second common reason people steer cl 4 the belief that these feelings are ike quicksand-—we ean et F down in them and see no hope of escape. It is a common n ‘your life. 2 and it passes before long, When you ly focus on how uncomfortable tis tively dealt with boredom han: ‘negative emotions is What's So Good About Feeling Bad? depression, for instance, is a difficult state to change, and the more chronie the negative emotion the higher the risk that it might somehow become permanent, So let’ take a look at Exhibit A, people who wrestle with depression for years. Here, in fact, some evidence supports the pop- ular belief: Up to 60 percent of adnlts who have one clinically significant iajor depressive episode have a second, and those who have two have about a 70 percent chance of having a third, which then skyrockets to a 90 percent chance of having a fourth. Yes, these statistics are alarming, especially i you forget to do the math. Ifa hundred people struggle with about of depression, then sixty of them go on to second episode, forty- two suffer a third episode, and thirty-eight have a fourth. For those thirty-eight people, this is a serious problem, no doubt. But a large ma- jarity of the people who wrestle with depression will not be confined to an emotional prison from which there is no escape. Most will be freed after a small handful of admittedly unpleasant—episodes. The same is true of other emotions: while there is a tendency to worry that anger will flip some internal switch turning us into violent thugs, or that panie wall ‘imprison us toa life of cowering under tables, you have to look no further than your personal experience to know this isn't true. A third reason we avoid unpleasant feelings is that we fear that, like psychological tsunami, they'll crash over us and sweep us away to random—and perhaps unwanted—destination of thoughts and avior. That is, people are typically afraid, even if they do not often late this concern, that their moods may lead them to lose control do things they otherwise wouldn't, The most obvious case of this is é There is, of course, an element of truth to this, which has led to stce systems stance that second-degree murder in the heat of the lent is les serious than planned first-degree murder. It’ as if the ‘community got together and agreed, “Yes, there isa tendency for 63—EeE--,-lLlUlt~—~— ‘THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE le do J.” But how many peopl to get a bit out of control : —— ae ae ‘murder in the first or the second degree cnow vl 1 pea ‘unusual, which is why it makes the a myn ‘Anger is unlikely to make you a aoe Caos zee ising ways. Researchers were interes sacl ee oe anger is somehow associated in reo : anid with be In one study, they presente some bat ot al partisans : scorn il irrit al vith words related to anger, such as scornful, hostile i oo ve told them that these words were part of a memory xP the ; te task, to guess whether t then asked the participants. #9 & Sra erage hot or cold. The ature of thirty unfamiliar ities was, on aver, D9 arin ound that partcpats who were primed with angry words resear "were far more likely to guess that a place was ee: ‘Theft easonve old nega onion rare ‘You have an intuitive juences of expressing them. " see soon the office, or have unpredictable angry pee oa al hide in theres ntl you wall past Once ain CS em vr truth in this belie, but our fears are mach exaggerated. nl noods do have power ever oer. Ina casio sty, researcher TH Joiner examined whether the ns fronts ae conan “ hae found was that if one of the aera Seer te ment, it increased the likelihood that the i ares ova the subsequent three weeks This wastrue even rol pascline rates of depression and the reser or oa conn fs . t, negative ie events. Not only was depression infect A ee = recent folklore, the depressed roommate is more likely = negative than the pier onmsatss turn he ers mood around. Yet another example of how bats strong What's So Good About Feeling Bad? Right now you may be surprised by the fact that we, the authors, haven't gone through the four major reasons people avoid negative emotions and debunked them, one by one. We can't. All of them have atleast some validity, The important question is this: what purpose do negative emotions serve? As it turns out, they're an important part of our healthy emotional architecture. Although they can be messy, un- pleasant, and sometimes problematic, negative emotions are also very useful. Emotions—all emotions—are information. Feeling good and fecling bad let us know about the quality of our progress, our interac- tions, our environment, and our actions. Simply put, your emotions are like a GPS monitor on the dashboard of your car, giving you meta- phorical information about your location, the terrain in front of and behind you, and your rate of progress. People who try desperately to ‘escape, conceal, and avoid negative states, miss out on al this valuable information. To be absolutely clear about this, *+ you want to feel the prickle of fear in situations where physical harm is possible; * you want to feel the thrust of anger when you need to stick up for your children; * you want to feel frustration when you make inadequate prog- ress in your guitar lessons, and * you want to regret telling your children they aren't intelligent, attractive, or good people, In each instance, these emotions signal that something isn't going and needs your imminent atention. Immediately trying to tamp the bad emotion of anger, or any other feeling, does little to shed 65———————rllltttst—‘“‘isi‘“—si“i‘i‘i—i—i—i‘C:;S ‘THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE ight be anger has arisen and what course of ation it might as portant this is. The rea- pointing to, I’ difficult to emphasize how in ee ‘avoid negative emotions seem legion, you migh ing eae get this straight there is only one reason they ar goo i ‘i Just it ine livi coven if there's only one, itis a realy terrific reason. J ina ng word ia which no oe ell felt sppointment when they fee in a world in wl nerf ta cherished goal. Or in which you could not access fea omni a ona ofa fie in the home basement, ora dirty hypodermic ; — toyou during an ocean swim. Without such ae m8 = i functioning ative aoe swe would be living in a world devoid of fully % humans. ‘A Tour of Three Dreaded Emotions Anger in a San Francisco apartment quality workmanship and enjoys in his downtime. When he was yout police as hotheaded but has long since trouble-free life. Late one night in May 2013, a female Viet corridor was handing Jacobs a bow of pho when a the downtown ool pie ‘man approached and began screaming. at hy stranger—demanded a pon from the woman, and Wh didn't have one, he cursed at her using racial epit id, when she said s. Also pre in his fifties. He lives A-employed carpenter: es style co-op, He has a reputation for high- playing soccer and reading nonfiction ger, he did a stint as @ military his younger self .e Vietnam War. He describes peciie cooled his jets and aimed to live a namese street vendor it What's So Good About Feeling Bad? wore two high school girls who fidgeted nervously, obviously afraid of attracting attention to themselves. As the newcomer's tirade got more and more heated, Jacobs real- ized that no one nearby was going to step up and protect either the vendor or the two teenagers. Drawing on one of his personal maximns— always offer two kind interactions before taking a more aggressive tone—he said quietly to the stranger, “Excuse me. Could you please lover your voice?” The man then turned on Jacobs and began berating him too. “Td appreciate it if you could just move on,” facobs calmly of fered. “We're trying to eat in peace here; no one wants any trouble.” In his own mind, Jacobs had just used up his second and final allotment of goodwill. Unfortunately it didn't have the soothing effect he'd hoped for. Instead, the raging man stepped closer to Jacobs, screaming ob- seenities, Jacobs carefully put down his bowl of noodles and ratcheted up the ‘menace in his voice. “Where I grew up,” he challenged, “this means Youle looking for a fight. Well, here I am. Let's go!” The angry man stepped back in surprise, muttered a couple of face-saving curses, and walked away. Jacobs allowed himself a few deep breaths to ealm dewn, grateful the confrontation had not come to blows, and that neither of young people nor the food vendor had been hurt, He glanced at . half expecting a nod of appreciation or a word of thanks, None Instead, he saw that they seemed as afraid of him as they had of the abusive man. This is a true story, not a dramatized account in which a brawl ut, or in which a damsel in distress rewards her rescuer with her ing affection. Its an example of negative emotions as they show up Teal life. Negative emotions, anger in Jacob’s case, often surface as a 6‘THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK ‘SIDE veoult of extemal circumstances as opposed to “coming from nowhere) “They can be tremendously useful, oven thongh costs (ike turning off bystanders) mightbe incurred. Aswe see here, anger offen dramatically alters other people's behavier, most often causing them to retest; oF compromise quickly For this very reason, anger—and other negative feelings-—are sometimes more appropriate than positivity. "Anger is in itself neither good nor bad: ts what you do with that snatters Research suggests that only 10 percent of angry episodes acts ally lead to some form of violence, which js evidence that anger does ‘Anger usually arses because we believe not exactly equal aggression. vveve been treated unfaily, or that something s blocking our ability accomplish meaningful goals. In our data, we coded 3,679 days when people reported feeling angry in everyday life. We discovered that 63.3, percent ofthese episodes were blamed on other people (as opposed to, Jets say, on a computer keyboard, Anger is typically caused By what other people did, didn't do, or might possibly do. ‘The difficulty of navigating a comples, sf social exchanges that might nce angers precisely the reason hy adult humans possess such hefty brains brains, and 19.5 times heavier than beagle brains) sionate vibe, you too have bs to, and treated rudely. Postivit ing us navigate socal interactions and relationships, Anger ¢ upsetting social situations. As for that helps us read and respond to benefits, research overwhelmingly indicates that feeling angry creases optimism, creativity, and elective performance, and that ‘pressing anger leads to more suecesful negotiations ands fast track 68 led them to feel 0 feel more inclined to explore the boundaries of possbilit. often unpredictable world : hhow people make risk assessments. In this study, researchers aske participants ques to—ar = = = a fa related to—among other things—the a tng vere contacting weer ease, and an eer Mental treatment fora serious illness that would save many ie (47 times heavier than cat ‘We have all been sffended or hurt by another person. Despite your kind and compas een nagged, teased, bullied, betrayed lied ty alone is insufficient to the task of help= What's So Good About Feeling Bad? mobilizing people it ne ig People into agents of change. Let’ look at each case indi First, feeling anger is associated with a more opti cp wo a um eyo ie a 4 specific point value—as they wanted. Embedded pis te ye cad however, were three bankruptcy cards eer orton the participants hundreds of points (far pt he none tmumber of points gained from other cards). In on ™ participants were allowed to choose how many card ym risk turning over ahead of time, any number eee one e ae Penal nobody would want to tum overall hint. oo ee cards would bankrupt them and stop the gre How may they turn over? It turned out that people who een induced to feel mildly angry took bigger risks. Anger This finding w: ing was also supported by a research team interested in Heed but would kill even more if it failed. When Be participants in an angry mood, the eee or e they had control over outcomes, believed a posit Be ; a positive out- =" or Pode, and were confident that taking risks would pm at anger—a high aronsal emotion that prepares ws wreats—is helpful in prepping people for action 3 action in gen- This may be wh why itis so common t up by getting mad 0 see athletes psyching them-THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE What's So Good About Feeling Bad? secon, anger ean help spark reativity This is worth repeating it See case t sounds too crazy t believe: yes, anger can help ws be creative, when it comes toon — ted sere ig ae oS In psychology, the study of ereativity can be ‘alot of fun. Take this clas- raked iger, and that a general prejudice against itis mis- vacerample: How many uses can you think of for a rick? Feel free to take a moment right now and write down as many as You an ITS Bont coeur ane as a performance-enhancement Chances are good that the most obvious uses come (0 mind first. You ‘ean send people serambli under a tyrant, but alittle burst of irritation am easily envision building awall wit rik, You can then crafty cece ots Hing ‘work, Parents know thisis sometimes an and think of uses that have to do with the bricks weight, shape, and eo iv ome ol ‘many bosses know it as wel tion managers in the United Kingdom, research- Shri, Perhaps your ist ncades using the rick asa oorsops 95 Bcd tee aes al me ang paper weight, asmall stepping stool, oF a projectile weapon. Pretty good. Fbeffective, others —— igTY outbursts were regrettable and ‘But what about truly unusual applications for a brick? What about put- : ve the perfect prescription, One man: y mented: anager com- sing brick in backpack to get physically? What about using it to told hot Kitchen pot, or wedged into a tire to provide a backup park. rot too eas ing brake for a car on a stoep hil? You might it f i ago in a project meeting, [had a rather son a steep bill? You might even use it as a Prop OF outbreak with the structural en notional poking fn at first-generation mobile phones by holding it up to your trying to turn the tables ee tiehass that they were and it had be ee oy ee en going on for quite a wl ask as one measure of cre= ‘concluded with an ee F : ae meeting] Tim afraid, Retrospec- tively, did I regret it? Pro fecha vbably not, actually, because it resolved. cear and talking into it, Poychologists adopt the uses-for-a-rick t avvity This task can assess fseney (how many Weas are created?) as swell as originality (how many ideas do ‘not commonly show up on other tists?) and lecbilty (how many different categories of use can you gt crate?) In one study, researchers gave people either angry °° neutral feedback on a different assignment and then had them complete the soso ari task, It turns out that certain people—these swith high need to understand the rules ofa situation and prefer a sense of ema vested ine 3 Hey sane feed: back, By performed better, we mean that they outperformed a st group of people who were given neutral feedback, The take-home Wh: oe regrettable spats apart from those seen as effective was pcm cage involved. It was, instead, a matter of contest. ; even the managers who somet e metimes favored a an angry word = cd that this was not—and couldn't be—a perennial i acting with others. One summed it up nicely: “re Itworked, it had the response I w: ig it would, everybody l s ras hoping it w ‘went out onto site and what hadn't been addressed ee ker iresse faken sage here is that in some cases anger led to more creativity. Om I oe cong h “ther hand, less grounded, rebellious people had their cre i soot ot away, so it all in all worked. T think if that ‘often, you know, if you were aly : re ahvays swearing at‘THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE What's So Good About Feeling Bad? people, eventually it would reach a point ee ce even-keeled deep voice, When the BP cil well spilled into the Gulf of laneffect. So if you use it every once in a while, I think it wor Mexico in 2010, President Obama eanght flack for his cool response. He later expressed anger on television, but this more emotional re- sponse had precisely the opposite of the desired effect: people per- [Another context in which anger works well is negotiations. When to or more people are trying to come to a resolution, anger provides Penh peat estate linge some leverage. In one series of studies, pariipants were given the task a ee of negotiating forthe highest price posible forabatch of mobile phones Br tapeioprind cae tse can ‘a issine scion against un- (and their reakworld reward was directly ted to their performance). ee ea ee “we ae a [After the seller requested an initial price, the buyer responded with a vated by anger, like the spark that ignit in series of counteroffers. For the purposes of the experiment Luther King J said, ene i we fetina ae Martin the participants were paired with an angry buyer and others with a Bhat their anger becames a transforming fia 1 ind unite people happy or neutral buyer. It turns out that, in the face of anger, people Pe sirmad W.. B. Du Bots fom ai a i : “ anger that are far les likely to make strong demands. By the third round of nego- Bt were erlatntion sd rcton were lant bot ineffective tiatons, the person trying to sell phones to an angry buyer relented, fal civil rights activist: e rampant—into a power- giving a steep 20 percent discount, and by the sixth round, forked over, their potential earnings. The researchers suggest that in the moment. it, some of 33 percent of At the very time when my studies » angry people are viewed as powerful and of high status very time when my studies were most successful, there ‘cut across this plan which Thad as a scientist, a red ray which ‘Thus, being angry by itself tilts certain kinds of competition in your Piiimigdine ee favor. Happiness simply does not offer the same dividends tled me to my feet... The news met me: Sam ees “That said, it may not be enough to simply adopt an angry tance in ee ee the hope of striking a favorable deal. Some of the sume researchers poser tore... Tagan to turn aside fom my work. One ‘caution—and the science is on their side—agninst faking anger. In one ould not bea calm, col, an detached scletist while Negroes study, the researchers found that when a trained actor faked surice were lynched, murdered, and starved anger, as opposed to expressing deep anger, the ploy actually backfired People in negotiations make higher demands of those who display fe Abit later in his autobiography, Du Bois describes hi anger, in part because they are seen a less trustworthy. ly spurred him to action, and he founded the nee oo ‘Take the real-world example of Barack Obama. Regardless of ich later developed into the NAACP. particular politcal stripes, you have to admit that Obama comes In recalling his activities on behalf of conscientious obj as mellower than most US presidents. He is a smooth speaker with $F. Beran smell exlsas low bn became pe " »ll ‘THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK ‘SIDE 7 be slaugh- despairing tenderness toward the young men who were (0 De eh tered, and with rage against all the statesmen of Europe Similarly, atesmen of Ei ail d, th rage agai Helen Caldicott tookher firststeps asa peace poe oes ndignant.” Her indignation inspired a generation of $0 mance — anger arises, we feel called upon to eo om immediate threats to our welfare, or to the well-being of ined about. Altruism is often born from anger; when it ae aa Je and ereating support for a cause, no emoti ona ‘kindness, compassion, love, and fairness ts stake to presume that Nn fread of a Motion, ond vnges ree aed Astin. powerful element that is maligned by the mis- anger-free society. line up on one side of another side. Anger is @ an Jken notion that a healthy society is slaw " “The deep prejudice against anger is largely unjustified. It ae inflammatory emotion. Caution arou! tedly, astrong and highly "i is certainly smart, as isthe knowledge that it should not eo i oes with everyone. Anger is best wielded sth an at " = ticular person oF persons who vio- he fallout and it becomes easier to or use spect for the perspective of the pa lated your well-being, Prepare for tailor the most effective expression of expression of anger—authentic anger—ean with certain people in certain situations. ‘Tue Ricut Way To Get ANGRY ‘When you want to to do so is to start with what we call the discomfort = Je know explicitly that you are experiencing intense emotions to difficult than usual for you to commu because of this, it is more : all clearly. Apologize in advance, not for your emotions or your 1" anger. With these caveats, the be entirely appropriate What's So Good About Feeling Bad? for the potential lack of clarity in how you convey what you're about to say. Lead in with a statement such as “I want you to know that I'm feel- ing uncomfortable right now, which means it's not the best time for me to be expressing myself. But, under the circumstances, its important for me to say ...” The aim of the discomfort caveat is to disarm the person, to keep them from becoming defensive. When someone hears that yon are uncomfortable and that the conversation is difficult for you, it increases the likelihood that they will approach what you have to say with empathy. After using this opening, you can then dee deeper into what bothers you, what you think and feel in the aftermath of whatever happened (why anger emerged instead of other feelings) Consider using this discomfort caveat even if you are perfectly comfortable expressing anger or other negative emotions, so long as they're genuine, Remember, the aim is to trigger a change in what the other person is doing or feeling, to shift the momentum in a given situ- ation so that it is more favorable to your message. Properly controlled, anger offers us a way to be proactive about removing threats and road- locks. So don't be afraid to use small physical displays of anger, what we might call micro-aggression, to express the level of emotion you're experiencing Push your hands forcefully into a table. Tighten your s into fists. You get the idea If we haven't convinced you yet of the importance of expressing ‘openly when you feel a looming threat needs to be quashed, then + this, Dr, Ernest Harburg and his research team at the Univer- of Michigan School of Public Health spent several decades tracke the same adults in a longitudinal study of anger. They found that and women who hid the anger they felt in response to an unjust subsequently found themselves more likely to get bronchitis B—————————— THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE and heart attacks, and were more Tikely to die earlier than peers who Jet their anger be known when other people were annoying “The obvious difficulty lies in figuring out how to put angry feelings lly in relationships. First, we want to discourage you to control or avoid “T need to keep this to work, especial from making self-statements that push for tryin anger, such as “Ineed to get rid of my anger” oF anger to myself” or “Why cant I be less angry?” Instead, recognize the “ference between events that you can change and those that are Be yond your ability to control. If you are on a trp and you Tose your Wins ter hat on the first day, there is nothing you can change, 0 there is no benefit in expressing anger. Bt if you are haggling witha shopkeeper talon market over the price of «hat and youre angry ehat youve been quoted a higher price than the lst customer, you possess some control. Now in this situation, how do you appropriately comumunicate anney- ads to a healthy outcome? Psychologist ance or anger in a way that Ie .rd Kassinove mentions that and editor of Anger Disorders, Dr. Howat the key is to use “an appropriate tone without dk person.” Second, slow {nto a situation and act immediately, blood is boiling, Instead, try thinking of anger as coming and slow varieties, when you want to seream versus motivate a person ina calculated way. When yout angry. 8 yoursell if someone is standing there permission to pause for @ moment, even i aevitng a response. You can even Jt them iow that you ro tionally slowing the situation down, Choose to make good rather than fast ones. When you'e angry, pauses, deep breaths, vroments of reflection more effetively exercise power and contol rapid Bire responses. Ifyou feel less angry when you slow dows * lemeaning the other the situation down, Our initial tendency is to jump especially in cases where out in both fast when you want to What's So Good About Feeling Bad? but that’s not the goal. This is about giving yourself a wider range of cots : choose from in an emotionally charged situation. . Be ee chess player. Before deciding on a course of action see the other person will counter and how the situation might se from now: If it looks good, continue along your pres- oa ah ft looks bad, consider an alternative behavior, imagine they wil counter that, and evaluate ths scenario, Keep che t in with you y - wit pos » self by asking, “Is my anger helping or hurting the a en you're engaged in dialogue with someone else, there isn one-sze-ts-all answer to this question because the emotions and : a : a ace ; : ae we constantly shifting. At one point I might want to as- ey macs by ling a story, and a few minutes later I might increase the feeli i a ing of connection by ignoring an incendiary When yecome ieee become extremely angry it seems that if dont go into 4 ‘mode we'll suffer serious consequences, Psychologist John Ris expert in helping people with seemingly uncontrollable emo- Be come we with techniques for slowing down the speed of reatening events. Riskind has found that the experience of anger i tot as problematic as the belief that the sequence of events ts ai . riggering pee accelerating, that the danger is escalating, and the nail window for taking action is quickly disappearing, This sense of ning danger pushes people to do something that might stop the lite te but in the longer term will make the situation worse as punching the . ig the person who cut you off in line at the grocery The first step is to check in with yourself frequently to assess = Bee anger is increasing, decreasing, or stable in the given . For a scrupulous self-examination, use a number and even a 0THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE few descriptive words to capture the tensity of your anger as youl seein this speedometer example: {90 ames PER HOUR AND ABOVE 85 wLes PER HOUR 0 wes PER HOUR 75 MILES PER HOUR 165 murs PER HOUR {60 wus PER HOUR 55 wiues Per HOUR '50 wes PER HOUR 45 mes FER HOUR 40 ues ren HOUR 35 wus Pew HOUR AND If your anger is well above the s unin, OUTRAGED INFURATED, ENRAGED InaTe, EXASPERATED arTeR, movGNANT soto OFF aD, ANGRY noms, PERTURBED ‘Nore, IRAITATED, FRUSTRATED ufFusD,OISPLEASED eetow ‘more time in order to retain maximum th the person who provoked or upset you. In this ease, consider slow- a this high speed, ing the speedometer. At ysl control. Imagine potting on the brakes so that the way youre acting ‘others are responding goes le aoe from sixty-five to fifty-five. Create a visual image ke and how other people would appear to you Listen cares seem as physically lose to you. List ‘on is saying, and read the underlying mes speed to see .n their body language. Use the lower speet es ‘open to conversation or closed off, whet to sixty-five, and then of what you would look I Notice how they no longer fully to what the other pers sage person bothering you they're realy looking to attack or are does it feel when you imagi = You might think there are too many things 1? ing on the and not enough time to do them.” This exercise, focusing on © kind says about anger, B oun, ExPLOSHE, MOLENT CALM AND COOL, PEACEFUL, TRANGUIL peed limit, youre going to need flexibility and control in dealing you probably feel a bit out of from eighty-five miles per hour looking for a way out of this j ine things slowing down? AS What's So Good About Feeling Bad? that threats are moving, gives us alittle more psychological breathing room, Experiment with this tool. The overall objective here is to learn how to work with your anger, Guilt and Shame In contemporary society, people have come to think of guilt much the way they think of being fat—as a dreaded state that is both unhealthy and socially unacceptable. Perhaps this is why weight gain is often associ- ated with guilt, In our culture, to guilt-trip someone is seen as under- handed; therapists offer guilt reduction, selEhelp gurus encourage people tot themselves off the hook, and life coaches scorn the use of the word should. By contrast, we want to remove the stigma from guilt. We aren't saying that its always good to feel guilty. But at times it certainly conveys benefits, one of which is that when you feel guilty youte more motivated to improve your behavior than your less-guilt-prone peers. Doug Hensch, a tad over forty years old, helps organizations de- velop stronger leaders, but his passion in life is coaching his nine-year- old son’ football team. His favorite coaching experience came when he vwas dealing with a fast, muscular, athletic player on the team named Zander, who had moved to the United States from Ghana. It was too bad that instead of applying those gifts to the football field, Zander was lly squirting other kids with water bottles or trying to jab a licked into someone else’s ear. Fed up, Doug called a team meeting he could speak to Zander and the rest of the team, Doug was not looking forward to the conversation, and he didn't try ide it when the time came. Beginning with a discomfort caveat (“Tim t, Fm your coach, but I also was a kid who played football from age of nine until I was twenty-one, just like most of you will, $o I team meetings with a frustrated coach are difficult; please 0ll THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE understand that it’s uncomfortable for me, too"). Doug then proceeded to say, T want you to look at your teammates. I want you to think ofall the effort each of your teammates puts in each week, getting hit, getting dirty, geting sweaty, getting out of breath, and some- times wanting to puke, Now Twant you to consider one question: Is what you're doing helping or hurting the team? After sitting quietly for a full minute, Doug asked each player on the team to give an example from that days practice of how they helped the team, Then he asked each player to come up with one example from that season when they had done something to hurt the team, even if it was minor, Everybody on the team had something to say, and after the last kid spoke, Doug said, When you do something that doesnt help the team, you are hhurting your friends, kids who will protect you, fight for you, and isk geting hurt by someone twice thee size onthe ther Side ofthe ball so you can make the play From nove on I'm g0- ing to be asking you this question a lot, and when you see that you're hurting the team I don't want you to feel bad I want you ‘to do something about it. You got it? ‘When he saw the pack of heads nodding together, he asked them to hhudle up, put their hands together, and scream the team name three times. qi ‘Zander lost his coveted spot on the starting team. Doug you that the next time Zander started a game and got the ball ran eighty yards fora touchdown, which Ted to the teams first win 80 What's So Good About Feeling Bad? the season. And when Zander saw that his teammates respected him more for actions that helped rather than hurt the team (even though some of his antics were really funny), he invested new energy in prac- tice, cheered on his teammates from the sideline, and generally show- cased a wholly different attitude. Doug's task with Zander was to help hhim transition into a responsible young adult, and by being trans- parent about his own discomfort and by inducing a bit of guilt, Doug succeeded. We, the authors, have used this same question in college class- rooms (“Is what you are doing helping or hurting the class?"), and while parenting our children (“Is what you are doing helping or hurting this situation?”). As socially awkward psychologists, we ask this question of ourselves when we're talking to other people (“Is what we are doing helping or hurting the relationship?"), We ask you to consider this question in regard to guilt: i it going to help or hurt you in the quest to become a better, stronger, wiser person? For another example of how helpful guilt ean be, let’s turn to those ‘who have been temporarily banned from society for their wrongdoings: jail inmates. According to the National Recidivism Study of Released Prisoners conducted by the US Bureau of Justice, of the 272,111 in- ‘mates released from fifteen states in 1994, 675 percent were rear- rested for a felony or serious misdemeanor within three years. A new rime after release from jail is the norm, not the exception. Hearing these statistics, you might believe that inmates are evil . Or you may believe that most inmates are not much different the rest of us—they want to find a place where they belong, find semblance of meaning and purpose in their lives, and hope that ir kids have a better life than their parents did. Hither way, lets ask rey question: what prevents a jailed inmate from returning to 8‘THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE ‘legal or immoral act? June Tangney,a distinguished clnial psychol- orist has spent nearly a decade asking whether moral emotions such as anil are the seeret sauce for preventing crime. In recent research, Dr. ‘Tangney found that inmates who were prone to feeling guilty about past wrongs suffered more for what they had done, and in turn were rotated to contes, apologize, and fix the problems they caused, Af ter being released from ji, these guil-prone inmates were less Tikely to be arrested again for criminal acts. That i, inmates who tendo feed guilty for the harm they cused beat the statistical odds and stay out of trouble. Guilt adds to our moral fiber, motivating us to be more socially sensitive and caring citizens than we might be otherwise, and these ponefits of guilt extend to the noneriminal community. For instance, researchers have found that adults prone to feeling guilty were less Thely to drive drunk, tel, use legal drugs, of asault another per son. If characteris reflected in what you do when nobody is looking, then this moral emotion called guilt is one of ts building blocks. By noring the value of guilt, parents and schools face a bigger uphill limb in eutivating good kids who will ensure the future ofa heathy society “The failed public relations campaign for guilt is « direct conse: quence of confusing guilt with shame, According to the Ameriont Heritage Dictionary guilt isthe “remorseful awareness of having done: something wrong’ and the “selxeproach for supposed inadequacy of wrongdoing” Shame isa diferent beast. When we feel ashamed, we dont just see our behavior as wrong or mistaken, we view ourse}9s a8 ‘ing fundamentally bad people, With guilt, this avareness of wong doing is limited to a specific situation, but shame is experienced as negative metric of who we are. Guilt s helpful, As for is & ‘cousin, shame, not so much. Guilt local; shame is global What's So Good About Feeling Bad? 2 ‘There are helpful and unhelpful ways to fel bad for our uiares ind wrongdoings. To understand how to add helpful negativity to your psychological toolkit, let's take a look at the differences. a Whar is SHAME? was OU Focus ON THE ENTIRE SELF cE Focus on THe vcr aN THE ACT Thar HaRUED THEM Fee SAD ABOUT WHO WE ARE Fe Gr EEL BAD ABOUT WHAT WE 1D ‘Asx: How COULD 1 Have DONE THAT? Ask: How couLD | HAVE BONE mur? Fees extRENE OISTRESS AND MAPARMENT Fee MODERATE PAN BELIEVE In PERSONAL conTROL (vER ADVERSE OUTCOMES Fee. Tension ano REMORSE Monte ro Remar cance, axe s0120s BeLieve 1 No CONTROL ovER ADveRse Desi 10 SHRINK, AOD, ESCAPE MorwaTeo To Hibe oR TACK (sear on omens) Buse riers (rio scaproosrs) Toe ‘ PERSONAL RESPONSIBLITY People who feel shame suffer. Shamed people dislike themselves s and want to change, hide, or get rid of their self. People who feel guilt Bp reed in learning from their mistakes and motivated to become Better Although they don't want their transgression on a placard hang we eon neck, guilt-prone people are less concerned about ica oe pie ‘They're ready to repair the damage and willing a st happen again. As for shame, lets take a look at the residue this emotion leaves. Remember that adults are mote will to pay exorbitant amounts of i a ts of money to avoid reliving regrets. Let's Ithas been fewer than six months since your last whiskey and one pei sobriety has been Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. As a ee adult, you are approached by strangers interested in hear- Your story. Because itis typical to talk about personal problems at 83THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE relent and even agree to be videotaped. Among ; i pas affected your tions about how you started drinking, how this has affected you Le the interviewer asks, “Describe the last time » 1H a tough request that brings back Jddress honestly. You don't hear back yull out a. AA meetings, you relationships, and so on, you drank and felt bad about it” ainful memories, which you a i the interviewer for four months and when you do, they p i srough every day since the interview calendar and ask you to go back th bailey to track how much you've been. ae ca ee ial and anonymous, you fill in the calendar. [ or feta in a recent study. The tenors 9 ther Dr, Jessica Tracy or her graduate student Daniel Ran i University of British Columbia, and they did sonating aan “Tracy wanted to know whether displays of shame when — me “4 inghelped predict which newly sober adults would lose ¢ rate resume binge drinking. (If you want to detect a omsini bodily movements, keep an eye out for sumped a ns ar ing in the chest area, as if he or she is curing into a nest = ‘The results of the study might boggle your mind. Over tl meld four months, newly sober adults who shawed no shame during ey aa view had 791 drinks. Tse vo shoved the retssane nose views (the top 10 percent)—get this—on average: consumed a oon during the same period. Those who had a shameful ae ” Arinking behavior found it much harder to recover from a sip-up. ‘Tunninc Hawxs 1NTO DOVES Bveryone makes mistakes. Atwork, you might assume cron for ordering flowers for a sick coworker and then an e a [Athome, you might complain about your neighbor’ be 5 aon their garbage and their garden, onlyto find out later that they What's So Good About Feeling Bad? bedridden with pneumonia, Feeling guilty, by definition, pushes us away from feeling happy. But although it comes at the expense of our Immediate happiness, we've seen how guilt can help us in the long term; in addition, guilt benefits other people. As researcher Roy Bau. meister puts it, guilt “makes us feel bad, but to avoid those feelings we do things that are better for our relationship partners and fellow group members.” Attuned by guilt to the effect of our actions on someone else, we're prompted to act in more socially sensitive ways next time, On the other hand, if you feel shame, expect your problems to es- cealate, and trying to get somebody else to change their behavior for the better by shaming them is not going to work either. We hope these words will be read by well-meaning parents who punish their child by ‘making him or her walk up and down the block with a sign saying, “I watched pornography on the family computer” We hope they will be considered by judges who punish DUI offenders by issuing special i- cense plates so that every stranger that passes them knows what they did, We hope this information reaches teachers who place a chart on the wall detailing how many times a six-year-old hit or bit another _ assmate. These tactics do not lead to improvement; they do not en- courage people to become considerate, team players. The research on this is clear: the more shame a person feels, the more anxious, aggres- sive, and detached they become. Using shame as a form of punishment Jnas the tragic paradoxical effect of increasing the behavior you're at- tempting to stamp out. Ifyou wish to motivate, choose guilt over shame. As Dr. June Tang- says, “We feel guilty because we care—an important message of ince for those whom weve hurt or offended” Flawed acts do Drovide evidence that you are a flawed person, Take responsibility your actions, feel the pain of harming other people when it 5————————— THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE h and draw your attention to no more and no Tess than a appens, ww Ae oe that led to that harm. Experiment, make mistakes, a ee upset, and then be more attuned to the welfare of other people in you next round of social interactions. How 10 ESCAPE THE SHAME TRAP these ‘Assuming that you are no stranger to compassion, we offer ions for inspiring guilt without shame, ep headin On oo itin ang th iy 3 person: 2 icky an arty is jumping straight ito a personal attack, It's easy to quick c en consciously conflate guilt with an absence of values, with stu idity, with greed, or any number of other character flaws. The prob~ tem {s that nobody wants tobe told they are bad, People are i need dhing bad. You are more likely being told that they have done somett = tho ptt across if you reinforce the persons strengths and virtues, toy if you see them, don't make them up) but stil hold them account able for their actions. Start by establishing common ground. If someone did something ir values and goals. ‘wrong, show them, where possible, that you share their val ‘Then point out how their behavior moves them avway from oa vai and how alternative, healthier behaviors are more aligned wh they are, Another place to ind common ground, as we oor ‘7 et sate because it feels as if it wou e easier : ae Jounin forthe person wagging a coking fea as it is for the person squirming in regret about their misdeeds ™ ces you uncomfortable. honest up front about how the conversation makes you uncor want the feedback to stick and improve someone's future behavior, Instead of trying to control others, offer autonomy. Contrary 86 What's So Good About Feeling Bad? popular thought, people don't mind being told what to do. Consider this: you gladly take out the trash when asked, you turn in reports when Aeadlines loom, and when family members ask for something at the grocery store, you add it to your lst. What people do mind is being told how to do something, No one wants advice on how to correctly replace «8 garbage bag, how to format a report they have been working on for weeks, or how to compare prices at the local Safeway. Scientists who study human motivation now know that one of our basic needs, right up there with physical survival, is the desire to direct our own life. ‘When confronting a guilty party, do not give instructions about what they should do in the future. Instead, give them autonomy to come up with helpful modifications they can make. The aftermath of wrongdo- ing leads to the best outcomes when the plan to improve behavior is viewed as a collaborative, creative process between the perpetrator and vietim, Anxiety Mach has been written on the value of anxiety. In brief, too little anxiety suggests a situation that is boring and lacking in stimulation, effectively putting the mind into hibernation mode where attention, ‘motivational priorities, and energy are shifted away from the current activity. As you might suspect, business managers are not excited by this prospect because employees tend to shift toward finding stimula. tion elsewhere by playing video games or bantering with coworkers Teo much anxiety suggests a situation that can be overwhelming, tively paralyzing a person. As long as this experience of anxiety brief, performance will take a dip, but in the end you will be fine. fe all know the havoe prolonged periods of intense anxiety wreaks ur physical and mental health, When we experience too much a—————— tts” ‘THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE anxiety too often, we age prematurely; we can see ist the cellu- lar level when the telomeres that protect the ends of the ee somes deteriorate, So authors, performance experts, and busine Teaders aim for people to experience the “just right” amount of anxiety ies without the out-of at 4 the motivational butterflies wit eee stress, Sounds good and we agree control panic attacks and chronie /noleheartedly. ev jst wonder why this has een the end ofthe stony: I the early Sahara, our hominid ancestors living in small hunter-gatherer comm ties survived because of a specific st of anxiety cireits. Designes by ratual selection, developed over the course of our evolutionary HS, this specialized aniety program operates largely outside our aad underappreciated for the nearly effortless way that it solves Pro ts, Like us, you probably have been told that positive emotions expand your thinking and behavior in the moment, shereas ae 4 thinking and behavior causing you ois the forest for ioe oi _ve say that broader is not better than narrower Wat import _ you take advantage of each ofthese software packages install a you Frain, What happens when theres the possibility of danger and the ana is activated? or ge tee pens ints a we le anxiety mental program. Somebody is tearing you down in rid “4 group of people in hopes that they get boost in een tf expense of yours. A person yo have been romantically : = a Dbchaving oddly he or she was late to your dinner date an =a Tong award moments during the evening that havent arisen DEON You get odd heart palpitations while talking to someone sbovt 7 cial problem; youve never had this fcting before, In these tuations and many others that induce anxious thoughts and feelings, 88 the ancient What's So Good About Feeling Bad? part of your brain associated with survival is already considering three courses of action: fleeing, fighting, or freezing, This process is taking place without any conscious contribution on your part. In fact, much has been made of the way the process can enuse undue stress, given that survival is no longer the daily struggle it was when we shared the planet with suber-toothed tigers. However, there are still surprising gems in that hardwired anxiety program, strengths that are hidden from us until that moment we feel anxious. In these moments, you get access to heightened perception, including amplified vision, being able to see things at a greater dis- tance; and amplified hearing, being able to tune out random sounds to get greater clarity on the noise being made in a particular direction You also get a bump in your ability to solve problems. To take an ex- ample from evolutionary psychologists John Tooby and Leda Cosmides, “Odd places that you normally would not oceupy—a hallway loset, the branches of a tree—suddenly may become salient as instances of the category safe or hiding place: Missing from prior discussions of anxiety are the ways it helps drive your success, and that of the family, romantie partnership, and the or- ‘ganization for which you may work. The surprising truth about anxiety is this: + In some situations, you want to be a highly anxious person * You need an anxious person on your team. * Without anxiety, small problems can easily end up morphing into a disaster. feve discussed the fact that mistakes are a necessary part of becom- creative and innovative, Without mistakes, we don't learn and 89THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE evolve, But let’s not overestimate the value of mistakes; we want to catch them early enough so we can learn the lessons involved without anyone dying in the process. This is where the value of anxiety takes center stage. / ‘When we're anxious, we serve the same function as canaries in a rmine shaft; were sentinels, helping other people by reacting quickly and voeally to early potential signs of danger. This works according to the five si «+ Scare, Anxious people are on high alert for any slight shift in their environment. They are therefore extremely attentive to potential problems that might arise, especially in unfamiliar or ambiguous situations. « Startle, Anxious people react quickly and strongly to the slight- est cues that danger may be present (eg, unusual sounds, dis- rupted rhythms). { «Share. Anxious people are quick to warn others about looming dlanger. They possess an unusually strong desire to tend and care for other peoples tis act of “getting out oftheir own heads soothes them. « Scout. If others are not immediately supportive, anxious peo- ple go into investigative mode and seek more data. They gather information with the intent of being more persuasive to oth- crs so that they can build an alliance to fend off impending danger. me Anxious people suppres other important needs such as cating and sleeping to perseverate on the problem until it is 1e- solved. ry What's So Good About Feeling Bad? Yes, you do not want to be chronically anxious. Yes, you do not want a household or workforce made up only of anxious people. But as you can see, there are huge advantages to having a human alarm system. Non-anxious people often skip ambiguous cues that might suggest dan- ger: Non-anxious people are more likely to ignore overt signs of poten- tial danger because they don't deem the information as pressing as whatever else is on their minds, In one fascinating research study, group members were led to be- lieve that they had accidentally activated a virus that rapidly infected files on a computer. On their way to tell the person who owned the com- puter, they faced four obstacles that prevented them from warning oth- ers or secking help. A person in the building asked them to complete a short survey; another person gave them the location of the building man- ager, but asked them to help with some photocopying as a favor; the building manager's door had a sign asking visitors to wait; and, finally, after being directed to a specific computer technician, they passed a stu dent who “accidentally” dropped a stack of papers on the floor. Four so- ial obstacles designed to trip them up. To got past the obstacles, they needed to be abrupt and assertive, two qualities that are not usually as- sociated with people suffering from anxiety. Yet in the face of danger, the ‘most anxious people slalomed through these detours with laser focus Requests were refused, kindness was discarded, and they were more ef fective than their less anxious and happy peers at alerting others about the danger and getting immediate assistance. BETTER THAN Positivity ‘The advantages of being anxious are not available to those who typically live in the realm of positive emotions. Researchers foundEe THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE that being extraverted, sociable, and dominant were unrelated to the single-minded, gritty determination of anxious people. In danger zones, anxiety prevails over positivity. In situations when danger is a possbil- ity but the cues might be obscure, complicated, or uncertain, anxiety prevails over positivity, In such eases, anxious people quickly discover solutions, and when there is a team around them (friends, family, co- workers), they share the problem and the solutions. Groups are more successful when they include a mix of personality types with different strengths—and at least one anxious sentinel EFFECTIVELY HARNESSING AND USING ANXIETY 1. Create a climate in which the sentinel response of anxious people is viewed as « psychological strength, not a neuro- sis to be excised. Be explicit in teaching other people about the inherent value of anxiety—a necessary balance within a culture devoted to maximizing pleasure, growth, and the pursuit of dreams and aspirations. The successful group has a mix of people with varying motivations, from pursuing aspirational goals to avoiding danger. 2, Ensure that listening to problems is encouraged regularly. Create information channels and be sure that whoever works at the hub of a group has the right combination of strengths—is responsive, articulate, persuasive, socially ‘connected, and knowledgeable of the different strengths of different people (so they can find the quickest solution). 3, Create an incentive structure in which quieter forms of detecting and defusing problems are rewarded. This ‘means that an antiterrorism task force foiling attempts to bring weapons into an airport is celebrated as much as the 92 What's So Good About Feeling Bad? agent tackling an assailant inches away from the detonat- ing bomb. The media loves to label individual people as heroes because doing so sets up a simpler, sexier narrative are. Organizations need to write their own stories, creat- ing opportunities for sentinels to get the spotlight when they deserve it 4, Instead of viewing threats as either present or absent, re- member that the greatest threats often begin with slow, insidious, barely perceptible smoke sigoals that rapidly escalate, Recognize the beauty of early threat detection. Destigmatize this process and you might find a healthy side effect: people becoming comfortable in talking about friction and discomfort. THE TAKEAWAYS 1. In not avoiding negative emotions, we gain emotional agility, the ability to use the full palette of emotional ex- periences. 2. Anger, guilt, anxiety, and other negative emotions are helpful in surprising ways. They give us more courage, regulate our behavior, keep us alert to our surroundings, and recharge our creative en wergies, among many oth Denefits. nome 3. Concrete strategies like slowing the speedometer can be used to transform so-called negative emotions into useful tools. 4, Abandon the notion of labeling emotions as exclusively positive or negative and instead, target what is healthy or unhealthy in a situation, 9THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE ‘When you were child, you probably pretended you possessed some kind of superpower (if you didnt you missed out). Perhaps you imag: ned that you could fy, or were phenomenally strong, or were invulner- able, When you think sbout your emotions in light of the benefits sesocated with all feelings—postive and negative—you realize that you don’t ust have one superpower, you have many. You postess 2. our age enhancer (anger, an unethical behavior derailer (gull, and an alert sentinel standing watch over you (anxiety) In the next chapter, ‘welll take a look at your underappreciated lie detector (sadness) Be- cause your felings come and go, you aways have a different power fo raw from. In the end, most prejudices against negative emotional experiences arise because people conflate extreme, overwhelming, problematic emotions with their more benign cousins. Guilt is not shame, anger is not rage, and anxiety is not pani. In each case, the former is abenefi- vdal source of emotional information that focuses attention, thinking, and behavior toward a surprising number of effective outcomes oe CHAPTER 4 How Positive Emotion Can Lead to Your Downfall you ee really happy man, you will find him bnalaing 2 bot writing « symphony, educating his ‘on, growing double dahlias in his garden, or looking for dinosaur eggs in the Gobi desert, He will not be searching for happiness as if it were that has rolled under @ ae eee IW, Beran Walle A PSYCHOLOGISTS WHO FREQUENTLY TRAVEL for work, how swe deseribe our careers to strangers inthe airline seats next to can determine the tone of the subsequent conversation for hours e come. For instance, the mere mention that we are ees Pom some people to open a book, don headphones, or pretend to asleep. In other cases, our expertise in mental matters seems to aoe our seatmates to unburden themselves. We can spend hours, a ie . — of a failing marriage or a pet theory of motiva- . fe rte ling to be asleep doesn’t seem to dissuade our seat- sking us to interpret their dreams. On the few occasions Actually risk the truth and own up to the fact that we are not just psychologists but that we actually study happiness for a a 5Um ‘THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE wwe can be guaranteed a near-desperate response: what can I do to be happier? There is a clear and neasly universal assomption that Papp ness is desirable and, being so metaphorically shiny, we should all be trying to stockpile it, As experts in te field, we know the surprising truth. ‘Let’ pase fora second and explain what we mean by this so-called thing called happiness. When lay people are asked to define happ ness, they often conflate potential causes of happiness with happiness itself They say things ike “happiness family” or “happiness is being arate” Although family and gratitude are undoubtedly important they fare fairly poor descriptions of what happiness itself actully i, whats feels like, and how we know we are experiencing it. When pushed for a more exact definition of the psychological experience, scholars, water- cooler philosophers, and book group members agree on some broad ‘commonalities. To begin with, happiness—at some level—has to be a feeling, Whether you call it joy, enthusiasm, or contentment, the base truth remains: happiness i, atleast in part, emotional, and is therefore experienced subjectively by the individual. When we alk about happy person, we're describing someone who lives through frequent postive emotions and infrequent negative emotions. Happiness also reflects a personal judgment about life. In 1965, Dr. Hadley Cantril, pioneer in happiness studies, asked people to {imagine being on a ladder with rungs numbered from zero at the bot tom to ten atthe top. The top ofthe ladder represents the best possible Ife for you, and the bottom represents the wort, On which rung ofthe ladder would you say you ae standing at this time? On which rung do you think you'll be standing five years from now? The answer the first question requires a mental calculation of postive thoughts inthe 96 How Positive Emotion Can Lead to Your Downfall rset and the answer to the second isa gauge of optimism about the future, Both contribute to your sense of happiness. Happiness is a state of mind and, as such, can be a 7 measured, stud- ied, and enhanced, You do this informally every day when you notice something about your spouse and ask, “What's wrong?” or whe ask your best friend, “How was your trip to Italy?” can ed ientists take this a step further by having people answer these same kinds of questions using a numbered scale, The astute reader might wonder whether such pa can truly be trusted. Researchers are trained not to rely thes H on these self-reports alone, but also to ask fiends and family members to rat target individuals. Occasionally we also use memory measures, react : to : , reaction eee tests, daily diaries, and even biological measures such in scans and saliva cortisol sai umples. Taken togethe _ together, these methods—even just afew of them—paint a reasonable portrait of person's happiness. _—_ i ‘current fever for happiness is spurred on, in part, by a growin, bey fe a suggesting that happiness does not just feel good ee ts 90d things for you. Ina review of 25 academie papers —_ C ties psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky and he ues found that feeling upbeat is linked to all : sorts of real benefits. People who feel frequent positivity = engage in healthier behaviors such sno inha as wearing seat belts, have happier marriages, receive better ex better customer and supervisor evaluations at work, are more generous, and . end up being promoted more often by bosses. 7i ‘THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE ‘Then there is the most compelling data of all: ieee is cul slated to health, meaning that being happy actually makes pone = js dramatic demonstration ofthis point Sheldon Cohen and te oe infected willing participants with the rhinovirus es oa mmon cold) after fist ving them @ eee em i in contact. During this period, participants had sat ener taken, their blood pressure measured, and were even as sto Jes of their mucus. In addition, they filled out survey reprig ee snptoms such as headache, stiffness, and aching =a veers found was that wheter you observed the mucus oe . 7 =i munoglobulin levels via biological samples (objective ool sated ticipants how they ft (ubjectve data, happier people were ae ies Iikely to develop a cold than their unhappy counter ai while happiness ‘might not cure cancer, it does seem to immune system function. me a 7 the a benefits of happiness is growing steadily. One connen theory holds that happiness is ae — a ate. Happy people are more likely to be social, hae: ol esky it a short gia jump from there ee Pe ‘he ness provides an evolutionary advantage. If no a on is often touted as a panacea. In fact, happiness seems ae its sometimes difficult to imagine that it has any downs! - i ‘One interesting red flag with regard to happiness come cent study ofthe different ways in which Japanese people and Amer K ink about happiness. Yukiko Uchida, a researcher at oe get her kicked out of University, asked a question that would likely 98 How Positive Emotion Can Lead to Your Downfall American happiness cub (yes, there are happiness clubs you ean join, She asked people native to both countries to rate happiness on how positive itis and how negative its, respectively. The Americans awarded happiness a very rosy 5-4 of 7 total possible points. The Japanese par Sejpants, on the other hand, gave it a respectable—but significantly lower—score of 5.1. More interesting is thatthe Japanese people rated happiness a 4.7 of 7 for being negative. The Americans, by contrast, give ita 4.25 of 7, which, in statistical terms, was significantly lower You might be scratching your head and wondering how happiness could be negative. Isnt it a good feeling? The two key negative aspects of happiness that Japanese people are sensitive to, and which Americans have a tendency to overlook, are socal disruption (one person's happi- ness can interfere with that of another) and acoiding reality (can't hap- piness be a bit naive?) Pethaps this is merely a cultural quirk, a prejudice of Japanese People, so lets check their views against empirical research on happi- ness. We already know that happiness is widely beneficial. But are there downsides as well? One of the eurliest published studies to iden- tify a cost of positive emotion was published in 1991 by Ed Diener and Iis colleagues at the University of Illinois, They were interested in the uniquely American understanding of happiness: that intense jot of en- thusiasm you experience ata sporting event, the powerful rush of pride Jou feel when watching your child perform onstage, or the euphoria that comes with landing a new job. They wondered if all that cowboy- ‘Yee-Haw might also make people just a bit saddle sore. These researchers found several ways in which intense positive riences can be costly. Fists a contrast effect in which the experi- of emotional highs makes other good events seem to shine less 93ee ‘THE UPSIDE OF YOUR DARK SIDE for instance, might Vining a million dollars in the lottery, ee : nies \win of one hundred dollars on an instant scratch (eden ety boa Second is acarryover effect, in which people ‘i ‘who mentally amplify their positive experiences also Cee =~ ify their negative experiences. For example, people who en 2 a