Why Moving in and Sex Before Marriage Is Not A Good Idea

Why?
Why moving in and sex before

marriage is not a good idea
Martin Kvapilik
Kvapilik, M: Why moving in and having sex before marriage is not a smart idea
Foreword to the international digital release

The other day my wife and me took part in an international event on family education in Prague.
During the lunchtime we talked to a young lady from Madrid, Spain. She was the mother of three
children, well educated, and she told us something like this:
“Look, in the family where I was born, we were three sisters and three brothers. Me and my sisters
have Christian families and live our Catholic faith. However, all my brothers lost their faith and are
not practicing Christians anymore. Their families are not Christian. And this has one single reason:
the sixth commandment. My father was a very good man. He loved my mother, lived his faith and
was giving a very good example of Christian life to us. However, he was never able to explain the
sixth commandment to my brothers. He did not give them enough arguments.”
After hearing this I realized that I gave the arguments to my children in my books. And I realized that
there are many parents around the world who are looking for proper reasoning on the sixth
commandment for their kids.
Try this free little book. I wrote it for my own children. And I pray for you and your kids as I write
these lines.
Martin Kvapilik
Kromeriz, Czech Republic, the “covid” Lent of 2021
Original foreword to the first Czech edition

I was looking for a suitable book on sex and marriage preparation for my children, as well as for my
relatives, my children’s friends and my friends‘ children. But none of the books I found seemed
appropriate, so eventually, I started writing the book myself.
The book has been written from a Christian perspective, but I think that even a reader with no belief
in God can find the Christian family values wise.
Anyway, today, when it is common for people to live sexually together shortly after they fall in love
with each other, this book is a kind of a song from a different world… However, as far as creating
good and long-term relationships is concerned, God’s know-how is priceless. And it comes free of
charge. God is offering a solid position and radiant colours for our relationships despite all everyday
shades of grey.
And it truly is a different world – if we honestly live the Christian faith, the Kingdom of God is among
us.
Martin Kvapilík
Kromeriz, 31.5.2014, on the feast of the Visitation of the Blessed Virgin Mary
2
It was one autumn evening at a mountain hotel. We had had an all-day team building and soft skills
training during which we gained a lot of experiences. And so our group of managers of a fairly
successful company sat and drank together and debated everything possible. It was quite late in the
evening.
At one point the thread of the conversation came to a stop and there was that awkward social
silence for a moment. And then a colleague turned to me and said, "You, Martin, you’re a pretty cool
guy. Working with you is great. And like, I know that you're a Christian, but tell me: why aren't you a
bit into women, huh? Somehow I just don’t get it. ” It must have bothered him for some time.
I answered with what I usually say to this: "But I'm really not into women. I'm into the woman – my
wife."
But Harry would not give up: "That’s just what I don’t get. After all, you could be quite a successful
hunter."
And so I tell him, "All right. So, for you and everyone else, here is the whole thing. With me, the
things are even much worse: I got married as a virgin and I married a virgin. So my wife is also the
only woman I've ever... you know?” And I smiled a little into his staring eyes.
Harry gulped down that multi-star Metaxa and said: “Dude, this goes beyond me. I will never really
get this."
There was silence again, but this time of a different kind. Most of us had just finished our glass and
obviously the whole thing was what everybody was thinking about.
And in that moment - into that silence - Robert spoke. Just so you know: Robert was the coolest guy
of us all. He did skydiving and played baseball. He could easily make anybody laugh and became
immediately the centre of attention everywhere and from the more beautiful half of the humankind
he would get more than great understanding for what he did and said.
And it was Robert who now said, "Well, Harry, it might not really seem like it, but he's right." He
continued, "I've had lots of women in my life. Just a ton. But now I live faithfully with my wife, we
have children and that`s the thing. This is the real life. Exactly the thing I’ve been craving all along,
actually. I just didn't get it sooner."
And again, there was silence. And again, it was completely different.
We ordered then another drink and the debate went somewhere else, to football, perhaps – I don’t
know anymore. But if I had ever had to guess in advance which one of my colleagues could probably
understand me, I would have never put my bet on Robert.
************
And so that is how it is, with us Christians. As if we even were not of this world. But here we are.
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What is this book not about? Nowhere in this book do I want to explain why it is reasonable to
believe in God and that God in fact does exist. I wrote a book about that topic called simply Why1. It
was written mainly for men - technicians, economists, scientists, and managers, but it was read by
many women, too. So, take it for the fact that I believe in God, and read Why, if you believe that
there is no God.
It does not seem like it, but basically this book is also a guide on how to get someone. In manuals
such as How to win a woman, etc., the content usually ranges from how to get her phone number to
how to get her to bed. It is partly pagan content, but most importantly totally incomplete in the
sense that getting someone to bed is extremely easy in comparison to the goal of staying together
with a woman the first 5, 15, 25 or 35 years so that you can be happy together. So here it is about
how to win someone in depth, forever and properly. Simply, in the long run, as Americans say.
And so: why not have sex together before the wedding? I will start from those least important
reasons and then gradually continue to the crucial ones. I cancelled the chapter numbering because
many of the answers fit into each other and it is only the whole that gives a complete picture of what
the author wanted to express ☺.
The Walking Zoo

It is interesting how some people are picky, for example in food, caring about organic food, enough
sleep, drinking regime and other biologically important aspects of life, but they treat their own sex
life worse than the floor of a taxi.
I think one of the reasons is that they lack a well-developed idea of our body. What are we, humans,
physically?
The body of each of us consists of about 1012 cells. That's a hundred trillion cells. We do not know
that exactly and we are not even able to count it, this is just an expert estimate. About 100,000
micromachines (kinesins) work inside each of these cells day and night. According to David
Bolinski2 of the BioVisions program at Harvard, we understand about 1% of what is happening in
our body. So, we have a total of 1017 micromachines that are constantly doing something in a
coordinated way so that we live in good health. This much: 100000000000000000.
So, our little body is a nice engine room, but that’s still nothing. About 1-3% of our body weight
consists of parasites, symbionts and, simply, various biological "varmint". Our human bodies are
occupied by about 10,000 species of these microorganisms, some of which have never been
described before - mouth, nose, ears, digestive tract, genitals, lungs, skin, etc. each has its own
pack of crumbs. Our body is therefore rather than just one organism a whole ecosystem, called
the human microbiome. Moreover: the total number of cells in our symbionts and parasites
exceeds the number of our human cells in our body in a ratio of up to 2 : 1 (yes, estimate) and the
number of genes related to our microbiome exceeds the number of our own genes up to a ratio
of 10 : 1. And they cheerfully pass on everything possible to our own cells.
In other words, our bodies are an unimaginably complex mechanism. When we realize this, it is not
difficult for us to understand the fact that we know the causal cause of treatment for only about a
1
Proč? Cesta Brno, 2013. In Czech. English digital version of Why? available with the author upon request.
2
David Bolinski: Visualizing the wonder of a living cell. TED talk
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third of the currently used drugs, i.e. why they actually help us. This means that even modern
pharmacy is still only a more sophisticated quackery.
I know a man who once accidentally met a beautiful girl on the train, they immediately had sex (still
in the train), and then he treated himself for decades with the effects of syphilis. There are many
venereal diseases. But these are just the influences we all know about - the roughest possible layer of
bodily consequences from fast-paced sexual relationships. And below it there are thousands of other
body layers, much less obvious and much less explored.
Why am I writing about all this here? It is just not as simple as to sleep with someone and happily
exchange our personal animals with each other. And it is not as simple as to just sleep with someone
else when the first relationship does not work out. It is not just about sexual intercourse itself. It is
also about the total physical proximity of the two ecosystems. We force our immune system to do a
lot of things. However, we will not leave any bodily relationship physically empty-handed.
That is also why I personally always wanted to marry a virgin. And it seemed silly to me to sleep with
someone just for fun, out of boredom or out of curiosity. I also always wanted to be able to offer
what I would like to get from the other side: bodily purity.
Train hard, fight easy
Somehow, we subconsciously feel that better things cost us a little more. For consumer goods, this is
usually differentiated by price. Cheap Asian production usually does not last long.
There are many different proverbs in different cultures that describe this: Readily won and readily
lost. Easy come, easy go.
The more valuable the goal, the more effort it usually requires. A diploma in a non-demanding field
or from an average school does not cost much effort, but then it is also not enough for some better
job.
It is similar in our relationships. Easily built relationships usually do not last long. On the contrary, the
more we invest in a relationship, the more valuable it becomes for us. And relationships that are
worth something are not without difficulty.
People used to put their experience into fairy tales. Every good prince had to overcome a lot of
obstacles before he got the princess. If he got her at once, it just would not do. He had to cross nine
mountains and rivers, kill a dragon, find a pearl, kill bandits.
But still there is something much bigger than folk tales: chivalry. Today, chivalry is mostly degraded
by the new film production, all major knightly stories in history are rewritten into dumpish new film
versions, thus erasing the main idea of chivalry - masculinity, self-control, and men's fight for his king,
the heavenly one and the earthly one. Today knights are usually depicted as corrupt or foolish,
effeminate, or bigoted, robbery or cowardly, treacherous or possessed by possessions.
However, in addition to loyalty to God and the king in battle and throughout their lives, these men
promised to take care of the poor, widows, and orphans, and so they often defended the women and
weak even in battles they could never win, and above all, they often travelled months to years with
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vows of chastity, until they returned or reached the goal of their pilgrimage. Moreover, they often
promised it to "the lady of their heart" - either the Mother of God or the woman they loved and
could wait for years. Similarly, in the Bible we find the life story of Jacob, who even waited for his
Rachel for seven years and a week. 3
The meaning of sexual abstinence before marriage is therefore also in this: to be able to control
oneself, in the long run, with the prospect of one's beloved, who can wait as well.
Because there are times in life when sex life in marriage is not possible: various high-risk pregnancies,
post-surgery conditions, business trips, remote workplaces, illnesses, etc. Abstinence before
marriage is therefore a training ground: we men learn to see the only one woman and women learn
to belong to the only one man. Training for a great thing, which is then worth it.
There are foolish and silly women who think that they will win men over through their compliancy
and seduction. For a while, perhaps, but it will pass. The man needs challenges. The bigger and more
challenging the challenge, the more interesting it is for us men.
So, your great love can become a knightly story. Almost like a fairy tale, and yet a real one.
The Slide
Czech publicist MUDr. Miroslav Plzak was influencing Czech public space for many decades. He was
not a Christian and, unfortunately, his moral views cannot be accepted from a Christian point of
view. Nevertheless, he says that after getting acquainted with the course of many relationships, he
discovered something like a law of nature. When we express the significance of sex for a relationship
over time graphically, we get the graph of sexually sensitive periods of the relationship in Fig. 1.
Figure 1 – Sexually sensitive periods of the relationship
3
Bible, book Genesis, chapter 29.
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When a man and a woman start living sexually together, the importance of sexuality for their
relationship increases sharply and is huge - Plzak calls this period a great fascination. After that the
importance of sex in a relationship decreases, but it is still a very important factor in the relationship
- that is a period of high consumption. Subsequently, however, it decreases unstoppably - sobering
up, decadence of the relationship occurs. Great fascination lasts from weeks to several months,
consumption from months to several years. In a few years, every sexual relationship will become
ordinary for us and play a much smaller role in the relationship than it did in the beginning.
People who immediately start living and having sex together experience a beautiful period at the
beginning - perhaps the most beautiful expression for the first few weeks spent together by a newly
married couple is the English honeymoon. But nothing here on earth lasts forever. And the great
fascination carries one great danger: it gives us rose-coloured glasses.
And so, people start living together who - if they did not sleep together - would soon find that they
really do not have much to say to each other. But they start sleeping together, they are fascinated by
their bodies, they do not see nor hear, they slide together down the slide and they are completely
sexually drunk with each other. They will figure it out in a few years at the latest. Then they break up
for the differences of personalities, which, however, were often obvious, at least for some of their
surroundings, right from the beginning. Nowadays young people experience typically several
relationships in this way, often very passionate ones, but these end in micro-divorces as soon as they
sexually sober up enough in the relationship.
Importantly, every relationship has a similar slide-shaped course - regardless of whether the man is
the Man of the Year and whether the woman is the Miss Universe. It just comes within the
relationship, our heart and our body will simply start to long for something or someone else, for a
change. With one person, this slide can be experienced in full only once. Moreover: sobering up
never comes for both at the same time. One tires sooner than the other.
What to do about it, then? Many dreamers think that the period of great fascination or eventually
consumption is here to last forever, and after the physical enchantment subsides, they end the
relationship and throw themselves into another relationship with someone else, as shown in Fig. 2.
The confusing thing for them is, of course, that from the beginning they experience a new fascination
again.
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Figure 2 – Raiders of the lost happiness
Christian know-how says that it is good to wait with sex until after marriage. But the time before the
wedding must not be a time of idleness. It is very difficult for a person to know at that time what the
other person is really like – even without the blinding fascination of sexual intercourse. Going out
together is to walk together through many days and nights, a courtship means talking about
everything possible and impossible. No excessive fascination, no premature consumption. On the
contrary: as soberly as possible. It means keeping mutual physical interactions till the wedding at an
agreed minimum, not to consciously put on the rose-coloured glasses at all.
Fascination and consumption, on the other hand, are supposed to help during the start of a marriage,
at a time when I have already made my choice. In other words: we need to get even a bit bored
together to find out if it is a bearable boredom. But if you truly understand each other, the word
boredom is yet out of place. Rather, a deep friendship, that already knows it won't miss the sex
anyway. Just wait a bit.
When a man and a woman - while still sober – choose each other, they marry, and then experience a
period of great fascination and consumption, and when sobering up, their relationship can receive
another great natural endowment - the first child. If a man and a woman are healthy, the
culmination of their relationship is not in sex, as various mainstream books and movies try to tell us,
but in the fruit of their love – in children. If a “sober” man and a woman have chosen each other, the
child will only strengthen, develop, and move their relationship forward. Pregnancy develops
sexuality very much - a pregnant woman and a breastfeeding mother tends to be very sexually
attractive to her husband.
On the contrary, sexually incontinent premarital couples soon move in their relationship to the
highest physical level. They go down the slide, and if there is no micro-divorce while sobering up,
they sometimes end up having one or two children together. Sometimes even with the intention of
having a child to save the relationship. It can turn out well, love can temporarily catch a second
breath. Often, however, such a relationship ends up even worse if the child only postpones the time
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of an unstoppable breakup. The consequences for children, whose hearts and souls are torn to
pieces by every disagreement and infidelity between mother and father, are the most painful.
In addition to this, it is obvious that no one knows how long the fascination and consumption will last
in your very relationship. It could be years. But what if it is only going to be weeks for one of you?
Little souvenirs
In the first chapter we talked about biology and now we are going to expand on that. According to
the Greek mythology, a chimera is a thing composed of two persons in one body. Our human bodies
cannot bear anything like that because the immune system of a healthy person reliably eliminates
everything apart from our own cells, except for the cells of our parasites. Moreover, there is another
big and remarkable exception: mother and her child.
Although the child’s genetic and immune system tools are different from
those of the mother, they develop cheerfully, and the body of the mother
even provides everything necessary. In the moment of the conception of
the child, however, the following transfer mechanisms are started: the
embryo’s cells travel to the body of the mother, the cells of the mother
travel to the embryo. And if there are more children in the womb, they
exchange their cells among themselves. These phenomena are generally
called microchimerism.4 Just to have an idea: a two-week-old foetus
already has about 15.000 cells, so it has enough cells for the exchange.
Even though we were taught a different story in the school biology
classes, every one of us carries a number of genomes that describe our
family history. Male cells were found in the bodies of women who never
had any sons: these are the cells of an older brother from the mother’s
body or the cells of a potential twin brother, the cells from unrecognized
Picture 1
Source: Wikimedia pregnancies with male embryos that end by a miscarriage, or possibly the
combination of all these causes together. It seems that a certain level of
microchimerism is necessary to sustain the pregnancy. Three to six times more twins are conceived
than the number of them who are born. An acquired microchimerism can reach a level of several
percent in the tissue.5
These transfer mechanisms were discovered by a team led by Dr. Diana Bianchi, a Paediatrics
Professor at the Tufts University School of Medicine in Boston in 2004. I believe that this discovery
deserves a Nobel Prize. Moreover, microchimerism is also one of the possible causes why women
have a longer life expectancy than men. The highest number of cells that travelled from the foetus to
the body of the mother accumulate in the organs that are somehow damaged. Doc. Jan Černý, an
immunologist from the Charles University in Prague, says about that: „It sounds like a science fiction,
but a number of experiments show that the cells of the foetus are capable of “repairing” the
pregnant female in the places where it is needed the most!“ In other words, the more children a
woman has, the more cell doping her body gets.
4
Černý, J.: Mikrochimerismus. Vesmír magazine 89, 7-8/2010, p. 416-418. In Czech.
5
There are court cases when children of a mother were taken away from her because a DNA test did not prove
her motherhood, or, in another case, the motherhood of adult sons was ruled out. The motherhood was
acknowledged only after it was proved that the mothers were chimerical, e. g. with ovaries capable of
ovulating two types of ova with two different genomes. See Vesmír 87, 2/2008, str. 84-85. In Czech.
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„A pregnancy lasts forever, because every woman

who has been pregnant carries these little souvenirs
of the pregnancy for the rest of her life.“
Dr. Diana W. Bianchi

Tufts University School of Medicine
Pauldubya, CC BY-SA 4.0,via Wikimedia
And now, why I am mentioning this in this book: no sexual relationship leaves a woman as she was
before it. Not only psychically but also in the physical sense. A number of pregnancies are not
recognized and even within one menstruation cycle a woman can obtain new genetic material for her
body if she is living sexually with a man. This might be especially significant if the woman is using
chemical contraception that can be also substantially abortive.6
Body of a woman receives the body of a man in a physical way through recognized and unrecognized
pregnancies, passes it to the next generations and regenerates. The longer a stable sexual life
persists, the greater effect it may have. The more promiscuous a sexual life is, the more diverse
genetic material is physically passed from the mother on to her children.
It is remarkable how people have their conceived children prenatally tested on various illnesses. And
yet we ourselves influence the health of our children by our sexual life long before the intentional
decision to have our first child.
To sum it up: it does not come without a price to live a couple months or years with someone and
then with someone else and with someone else...
As far as women are concerned, the impacts are clear. However, I firmly believe that something
similar – an inbuilt physical penalisation of promiscuity – exists also within men. It is just that we do
not know about it yet...
Recipes no. 6 and 9

When hear about the Ten Commandments, it sounds harsh. But when we realize that the Latin word
praecepto can be translated also as an instruction, rule or recipe, we get much closer to what God
wants to say.
Yes, it is a command in the first place. If you want your actions to be good in my eyes, man, these are
my orders. But they are also the Father's advice to his children. Instructions from the manufacturer
for our human life. A recipe for a longer and healthier life. Rules for lower transaction costs for the
whole society. Recommendations for the effectiveness of our life efforts.
The order in the Ten Commandments matters. So here are the ten pieces of advice for being “fit in
life”:
1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me, i.e. do not make idols out of money or your
cleverness, your attractiveness, your children, companies, or of sex or anything or anyone
else.
2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain, i.e. do not make fun of what is related to
me.
6
It is good to know that hormonal contraception is sometimes mysterious for the scientists. It is sometimes not
well known why it works. See www.prolife.cz for the analysis of various chemical contraceptives (in Czech).
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3. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy, i.e. one day a week give your time to God and to
things you don’t otherwise have time for, especially me, your God and your loved ones. Don’t
work like it’s just an ordinary day.
4. Honour thy father and thy mother
5. Thou shalt not murder, i.e. not even a conceived child or a terminally ill, disabled or old
person, or yourself, if you don’t know what to do with life or if you were told that you are
very ill.
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery – we will of course return to this one
7. Thou shalt not steal
8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour
9. Thou shalt not covet neighbour’s wife
10. Thou shalt not covet neighbour’s house
I listed them all here for their sequence is important. The sixth commandment does not list that high,
between murder and theft - or does it?
The advice no. 6 primarily says that sex is an integral part of faithful love between a man and a
woman, and therefore belongs only to marriage. Fornication is a sexual relationship between a single
man and a single woman. The sex life of a man and woman who are not married is therefore a very
serious insult to God. Sex was not created for that. That is not what the Creator meant for us.
For a man and a woman who love each other and are not yet married, but already know that they
get along well, the pre-marriage period really is not for them to sleep together, but to learn and
prepare for their future role as husband and wife.
For people living in marriage, however, the commandment no. 9 is more difficult than the 6th
commandment: do not desire other’s woman, other’s man. When it comes to infidelity, it is, in fact,
because before that, the husband/wife has completely given free rein to his/her desires.
On the part of us men, this means starting to control our eyes, because we are especially aroused by
the sight of a woman - remember King David. The good advice for men about women is to see, but
not to look. If I love certain woman, I must learn to look at her only.
On the women's side, it means learning to be for one man only. Not to provoke other men, not to
want them to look and admire. And also, in relation to their chosen one, combine attractiveness with
restraint, as only wise women can.
We learn to be faithful. We learn to be for each other much more and in a different way, than for
others. When we live in marriage, our spouse is for us the first person and friend. Closer than
parents, friends, fellow students and colleagues. But as with everything in life, we have to learn it.
Apart from sex outside of marriage, the 6th commandment also forbids masturbation and onanism. In
Czech we use these words as synonyms for situations, where one lives sexually without needing
anyone else for it. And before God, this is of course wrong – sex is an integral part of love between a
man and a woman. It isn’t supposed to be about love for oneself, but for a husband or wife.
Only few people today know that Onan is a biblical figure. However, the biblical story depicts Onan
not as a man who masturbates, but as a man, that did not want to have children with the woman, he
had sex with. Therefore, he interrupted the intercourse and his semen fell on the ground, for which
he was punished with death. Today, his story could be compared to using a condom or pessary
during intercourse rather than masturbation. Anyway, none of this is natural.
To sum it up: sex outside of marriage is an insult to God. For me, this has always been a serious
reason to leave sex until after marriage. In life, everything has its time.
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Apple to the core

The first book of Moses is the first book of the Torah and the Bible. In the second and third chapter,
we read the story of the expulsion from paradise, and I recommend to you, dear reader, to find it in
the Bible and read it, because it is worth it.
God created a woman for a man so that he would not be alone. When the man saw her - that is, he
looked at her, there was the man's view of the woman's body - the man exclaimed: This is now the
bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh! She shall be called ‘woman’, for she was taken from a man.
And immediately follows the basic sentence on which marriage is based: That is why a man leaves his
father and mother and becomes attached to his wife, and they become one flesh.
However, names still do not appear here, the biblical story speaks only of a man and his wife.
Subsequently, the woman is seduced by a snake, plucks fruit from the forbidden tree, and also gives
it to her husband. After all, it was a fruit pleasing to the eye and enticing for the wisdom that it could
give. It just looked okay and there was a lot of curiosity for sure!
But when it gets found out and God begins to ask, the man makes excuses that he was seduced by
the woman, and the woman makes an excuse that she has been seduced by the serpent. Such a
classic, no one is really to be blamed for anything and I - I nothing.
But the woman hears that, as a punishment, she will give birth to children in pain, and the man hears
dust you are and to dust you shall return. The punishment is mortality and alternation of generations.
And it is not until now that the names appear. Lord Jonathan Sacks7 gives a nice commentary to this
story, which I will dare to freely cite here: only here did the man realized, that one day he will really
die. And he starts to search: is there something that will outlive us? Adam heard the God’s words to
the woman: In pain will you bear children! It is the woman that will bring upon the world a new life –
his children. Until he realized this, the man perceived the woman only as a helper, as someone
standing in an imaginary hierarchy below him, who was under his control. That is why he called by a
word that was the feminine form of the Hebrew word for male. Only when Adam realizes that he will
never have children without her does his wife cease to be a supplement and helper. She becomes
something more. She, and not he, will have children and create a new life... At the same time, Adam
realized that corporeality and nudity are not just a source of shame. The flesh has acquired its
spiritual dimension. On the one hand, it reminds us of our most minimalist desires, on the other, it
approaches the creative abilities of God. Love begets a new life. At that moment, Adam turned to his
wife and gave her the name Eve, which means "the one who gives life."
Thus, while originally the man did not give the name to the woman, in the Czech language he calls
her only a "manwoman", just as he himself was only a "man", and now he also gets a name - Adam.
And the name means personality - we are not all the same anymore, each of us is original before
God. A man finds his own personality when he understands that only Eve will be the mother of his
children.8
What does this mean for us to the basic question of this book? A wise man should live sexually with a
woman only when he accepts as a fact that this woman could be the mother of his children. So, when
we guys realize this, without any rose-coloured glasses, and choose a very specific woman, the
unique mother of our children, then let us bite into the apple! Otherwise, we risk biting into an
apple, whose taste will seem sour to us over time, and we will see it in the characters and
7
Lord Sacks was the Commonwealth chief rabbi (1991 - 2013).
8
Partially quoted and processed according to Sacks, J.: O svobodě a náboženství. P3K Prague, 2013, p. 12-14, in
Czech.
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personalities of our children. We risk being deceived, seduced, and then driven out of paradise again.
And we will also blame our wife for such an end.
The wise woman realizes again that if a man does not yet see the mother of his children in her, it is
still just a tempting apple. If a man has not yet decided who will be the mother of his children, a
woman is just one of many toys. 9 And if the man bites, but the toy stops entertaining, only a core is
left from the apple.
Gift for God

When parents take care of their children, prepare dinner for them, or change their baby's diaper,
they do so because otherwise a state social worker would take their children away. And that's why
they take good care of them.
Or not? NO!!!
Normal parents take care of their children because they do love them. Yes, if they do not take care of
them, a state social worker will probably come. But a healthy father and a healthy mother are not
interested in that menace at all. After all, they love their children, so they take the blue from the sky
so that their children have everything they need.
That is what Mother Teresa of Calcutta says: it doesn't matter what you do, but with what love you
do it.
And love is also the main reason for me not to have sex together before the wedding. Love of God
united in one with love between us.
Not only for health. Not only because you can pay for it when you flood your body with everything
you can by having sex with those you would not end up with. Not only because it can be easy to
confuse thanks to the prematurely worn rose-coloured glasses. Not because sex ceases to play a
major role in every relationship over time, and we do not know how quickly it would come. Not
because of unexpected pregnancy. And not only because of the fear of punishment that God, as a
righteous Judge, really imposes.
The real main motive is love. We humans have little to offer God. How does one pay that license for
one's own soul, for one's own self? No way to pay. But he can give God a gift.
We can give God a small gift together - we can make love as the Father expects from his children,
how He counsels them, how He created them, and how it really seems to be best for them.
If we love each other, our common gift to God is to surrender our common love to God's hand. Not
only do we want to give God our life, our time, but also our common sexual life and our common
time, our mutual love. Love for love. What does a child have out of the love of his Father? Love.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.10
9
It is said that the difference between a little boy and an adult man is only in the price of toys.
10
Bible, 1 Corinthians 13:13
13
The D-day principle

If we know why something is good to do or not to do, let us add a concrete advice, know-how,
explaining how to live the premarital relationship. Everything is pictured in Fig. 4.
Figure 4 – Christian solution of the Slide
If you are still a teenager, your relationship may be a slightly more intimate friendship, you go to
different events together and have fun in a group (often classmates). These are more or less non-
binding relationships. But already in high school, some people have a real first love reciprocated, and
the group starts to pair. And when you fall in love with someone and start dating them, after a while
(and it can be days, weeks, or months), the relationship becomes more intimate, and the real sexual
attraction begins to work.
And here every love stands at a crossroads, where it goes further. Either you take the path of least
resistance together, you go where your body pulls you, and you start living sexually together. At that
moment, you go to the top of the sexual slide, put on the rose-coloured glasses for months to years -
at least one of you. This journey is pagan, effortless, and has its course and its consequences, as we
already know. Once you are down from the slide, no other slide is there for you two. It is easy, it is
free of charge as our body takes us there and sex is the natural development of a relationship, but
one you go along this path, you finished your partner selection for several years. Your brain goes
down, it sinks below your stomach. In fact, it just seems to be free of charge – you will pay later.
This is a real Christian know-how for we may call this moment a D-day. It is a military term, typically
marking a day of attack. You can decide to go along the Christian path, which means that at some
point you will talk about it together and the first serious agreement will be made between you in
dialogue (D) that you will wait with sex (S) until the wedding. It is kind of the first bigger test of how
14
much you care about each other. It clears up your intentions, how you actually think about each
other. At that moment, you still do not know if you want to get married - you don't even think about
it yet. You do not know how long you will date together before marriage, or what development your
love will have. You are taking the first big step into the unknown together - you must start trusting
each other and controlling your beautiful bodies with all their longings and desires, because the
sexual dimension of the relationship simply will not be there yet.
You will begin to experience something like Moses when he led all Israel out of Egypt into the
wilderness. They did not know where they were going, how long they would walk together in the
desert, but they knew that in the end the promised land might come. Along the way, they were to
trust God to lead them and nourish them. And when it was bad, they got water that gushed from the
rock, mana and quails fell from the sky, and they came to the land that was really worth it. They also
met venomous snakes. God led the whole nation and they walked in the desert for 40 years. They did
no pre-testing of the path to the promised land. It was risky. They did not peek elsewhere. They only
went to the only one promised land, even though they did not know exactly where they were going,
and sometimes they also had a heavy fight along their way, they argued a lot together.
You will experience something similar when you decide to take this big step in your relationship, in
your love. You do not know how long you will be dating. You know that your sex will not run away,
and fascination will come and one day you will make love together with your whole heart and whole
body. But along the way, you will still have to convince yourself that you want to date this way. You
will also experience boredom together and you will sometimes get on your nerves like venomous
snakes. Your love will taste a desert walk just to find if mutual boredom is acceptable. You need not
to spent 40 years on this desert, but you need time to verify your choice of your wife/husband
candidate – TIME is important, you need time to know her/him, with a calm brain.
But you will also find that when it seems that your love will die of malnutrition, God will send mana
from heaven to your love and water will gush from the rock of hard hearts. As my Archbishop Jan
Graubner says, it is necessary to count on God in life.
D-day is the first serious DIALOGUE, first and serious agreement – this is a real engagement, real
promise of future, not a fast sexual pleasure. Premarital chastity is a TIME-SHIFT. Transformation of
your sexual desire in time. “I would like to sleep with you, but not yet.” Just a shift in time. Sex is a
thing yet to come between us. Love is not free of charge. It demands a lot – the hard work would
come anyway – but it is much better to do it before marriage than after it. Erotic fascination is here
at hand as a wedding gift. But we should use it the smart way.
Indeed, the more you care about someone, the more important the initial mutual agreement. The
relationship between a man and a woman cannot be held for a long time "somewhere between a
language kiss and intercourse". Notice how steep the slope of sexual fascination is in graphic terms -
carnal love wants more and more, and fast. Sexual attraction is simply a great force between us, but
it needs to be used and exploited in the right way and at the right time. We are not animals, we are
humans, and therefore we can control our passions and our bodies if we want and if it is worth it.
A fleeting kiss and taking a hand is enough if each of you knows that you are behaving this way only
because you actually want everything over time.
I once gave a lecture on this topic to a group of college students. It was evening and I stayed there
until the next day. One of the students wanted to talk to me in the morning after breakfast. His name
was Jan and he was from Pilsen, he studied medicine in Munich and dated a Czech who studied in
Innsbruck. They saw each other every third weekend, either she came to see him, or he came to
Innsbruck to see her. Their meeting consisted of ending up in college dormitory and having a sexual
relationship. It was not full sex because they both did not want it, but it was also very serious, so
serious that they were practically unable to do anything else together. They both wanted to finish
their schools first. He asked me for an advice on what to do. I advised him that they either had to
agree on a completely different level of relationship, or they could just get married right away,
15
because otherwise it would kill their love. But Jan fully realized that day that they actually knew very
little and had little to say each other, even though there were such intimacies between them. They
parted on that same day.11
But he will not understand…

It is very common that one party does not accede to the agreement and the relationship ends. It can
be the influence of our media culture, parents, co-workers or friends, it can occur because he/she
already has sexual experiences and unfortunately, he/she can no longer live love without sex. And it
can only be because the other side is not strong enough to trust the truth of our love.
I have experienced such an end myself, not just one, and it is always very painful. But I am also
convinced that after a few weeks or months, such a person will somehow realize that he/she has
encountered a unique offer of love in his/her life, which has sex only as the icing on the cake.
Because hearing "I really love you, even though I'm not having sex with you yet - I'm just looking
forward to it" is something very rare and I dare say something irresistible in a way. So, it happened to
me that the girls were back, there were no exceptions.
God gives us a vision of the great love of a man and a woman. Love that gives everything, receives
everything, and takes everything when the time comes. It is challenging, but well possible if you
want. If you want together. 12
Do not underestimate the intelligence of your loved one. Most people can understand very well how
the relational mathematics works. Only some happen to understand a little bit later.
Another thing is the reluctance to understand God's plan for human life. For example, when one
understands what is going on here, but still does not want to change one's life. Unfortunately, this is
also the situation of some people who are regular visitors to churches, but they do not really take
God's word seriously for their own lives. Therefore, one of the crucial things is to recognize that the
Christian life and God's instructions for life are not like a buffet. We cannot want to choose only the
sweets and delicatessen, the goodies we do not mind and really like, but we don't want to taste at
the same time the other things that are difficult for us, even bitter and sour. If we still choose
something from God's know-how, we cannot be surprised that it does not work as a whole. God does
not promise us any easy life. God gives us a challenging but manageable guide, which, when used
fairly, really enables lasting and strong partnerships and stable family relationships.
Forbidden fruit
If you have agreed together at that point D (see Fig. 4) that you will keep your sexual relations to a
minimum, you also need to do something about it.
It is probably clear that it is not possible to control sexuality and watch porn films at the same time. A
man must guard his eyes, but also his ears and what he reads. But in the first place, the eyes. Of all
women, man should have eyes only for his chosen one, not to look for other women nor their
photos. To learn simply not to long for other women ... And not to take seriously those friends who
know everything and understand everything the best way. Time tests the partnerships – it tests even
the relationships of our friends and comrades.
A woman must realize that if a man is to keep his sexual desire in check, he must not be provoked by
his woman. In the somewhat erotic Bible book Song of Songs, advice is given to women: I swear to
you, daughters of Jerusalem, by gazelles and lilies of the field: do not be and stir up love until she
wants to. Forget t-shirts two sizes smaller and skirts long as a men's handkerchief. Do not think that
11
The story is real, the names and places were different.
12
It was not until I wrote this book that we calculated that my wife and I had been dating for not 40 years, but
exactly 40 months before our marriage ☺.
16
you can just snuggle up to a man, just wanting to be with him and trying a small tenderness. The
typical man acts as a two-state switch. Either he endures to have nothing, he denies himself and
holds the battle line, or he wants everything right away, now! That is how a normal guy works. You
must mix that cocktail of your attractiveness and restraint very wisely. Do not arouse bodily love,
even if it is usually done by friends or even advised by your own mother...
And there are forbidden fruits that you just cannot tear together. Alcohol and drugs come first. Your
relationship should not begin or deepen sexually because you have strengthened before. Barriers
and good intentions are falling. If you want to have pure love, you cannot drink much together.
You cannot plan events where you are mainly alone. Opportunity makes thieves and loneliness
makes fornicators. Do not go on multi-day trips or holidays alone. Go with a group where you will not
be alone, but where there will be more pairs with a similar decision and agreement as you. If you do
not want to have sex together, just adjust your plans and do not sleep close to each other.
I want to answer the first part of the question in the title of this book - living together - with this
single paragraph. I think once a man and a woman start living together, it is only a matter of time
before they have sex together. In short, physical closeness and temptations are so strong that if you
do not want to live sexually together, then of course you cannot even want to live together. And vice
versa: even after 20 years in marriage, I cannot imagine that I should live with an attractive woman in
the same apartment, not live sexually with her and at the same time have a conflict-free relationship
with her. I leave it to the reader to handle it at their kind discretion.
In addition, when it comes to living together, in our experience, living together well for two people
typically takes about five to seven years. Only then will you stop "surprising" yourself and your wife
in various situations. So, you cannot test much in advance anyway - you have to "enjoy" and
experience it just like a couple and during years.
The main thing at the end

The main counsel is just a repetition of what was written above: count on God. Learn to pray
together because, as Mother Teresa of Calcutta says, the praying family lasts. Does it seem
premature to talk about family when you are dating someone? So, realize that if your love lasts, you
may one day have children together. And it all starts and prepares now. Or not really - it started
when you had your first strangely long look in your eyes and your first date.
And so here we have the story of Adam, who one day saw Eve in his wife, the mother of his children.
This story is followed in the Bible by the story of another couple - Mary of Nazareth and her Joseph.
The two were already engaged, so Josef saw in Mary the future mother of his children, and she was
going to belong to Josef with her whole being.
However, we read in the Bible that God entered their marriage. One day an angel, a messenger of
God, visited Mary and told her that she would be a mother, but without Joseph's intervention.13
Mary agreed to let this happen to her, according to God's plan. She was only curious about how that
would happen if she did not sleep with Josef.
13
Today we know that virgin conceptions happen in some animals, see e.g. Roger Highfield: Shark's virgin birth
stuns scientists. The Telegraph, 23.5.2007. However, here the Bible describes a miracle, God's intervention in
history.
17
The story is a real drama, because the adulteresses were stoned to death at the time and she was
already engaged. What's more, how was Joseph supposed to figure out that his sweetheart was
expecting a baby with someone else?
So not only did Mary not try to „ensure“ Joseph with sexual apples, but on the contrary, at the time
of her consent, she gave God more than her life - they could at least expel her with contempt, but
perhaps also stone her to death. And what did her parents say to her that she was expecting a baby
and Josef did not know anything about it? However, she gave much more, with that consent she gave
into the hands of God above all the love of her life - a man who wanted to marry her and whom she
probably also loved very much. She agreed to something that had never happened to any other
woman before or after her. She risked contempt, death, and the loss of love of her life. Which
woman would go for it?
Of course, her fiancé Joseph did not want to believe his own eyes. Cheated, wounded in the worst
way a woman can hurt a man's heart. It is likely that a few good friends urged him to agree to the
worst punishment for the treacherous bitch.
Thus Joseph was standing between two fires – his reason told him how only a woman could get
pregnant, and his heart told him that unfaithfulness did not fit to Mary. As a wise man, he decided
according to his mind, but in a way to hurt Mary as little as possible - he just wanted to part her
company, letting her go with the child wherever she wanted.
But then he decided to sleep one more night until the morning, and God gave him a dream that
night, which confirmed Mary's version of the story. And his mind had admitted since that morning
that God could indeed do things completely unseen ever before.
And I think this is also the path that we, every man, every woman and every great love between a
man and a woman, must take in the time before marriage:
Not only does a man, like Adam, understand that this woman is going to give birth to his children,
and that is why he gets engaged to her and waits patiently or impatiently to get everything. But he
will also accept that God will want things for him that will go high above his own reason, as
happened to Joseph. He will understand Adam so that he will be able to go further and understand
Joseph. By the way, it is interesting that Joseph does not say a word in the Bible. He just does not talk
needlessly and works and loves. Masculinity includes results and few words.
However, women play a primary role in both stories.

Not only does a woman accept her role as Eve, giving birth to this future child, but unlike Eve, she
does not give her husband the apple prematurely until love ripens through the wedding. And then
the woman accepts the role of Mary, who entrusts her love to God's hand, even though it may
seriously endanger her and herself, and even if her own mother and her best friend do not need to
understand it. Eve transforms to Mary through love, because she knows that God himself speaks to
the mind and heart of man when he meets the right one. And Mary - as a woman - is much smarter
than Eve. Her man's love builds on God, not on her bodily lures.
Start and learn to pray together as a man and a woman. Ask God with all your heart because He is
the living God. Pray together and your love will endure and endure everything. And you won't
experience much boredom or poisonous snakes along the way. Because God loves His children and
sends mana from heaven to our love, every day. Just count on it.
18
Questions and Answers

Since 2000, my wife and I have been involved in the premarital preparation courses of couples from
the Roman Catholic parishes in Kroměříž, Czech Republic. We also had lots of conferences and
discussions for young people at national youth meetings, high schools, and university clubs. Here are
some of the questions we get during our discussions. It is such a pel-mel, questions of teenagers and
adult couples. But our experience is such that everyone is equally interested in everything, and some
18-year-olds have more relationship experience than some 30-somethings.
I just had a great first love. But he left me, and I still want to cry. Help me, please!!!
It is perfectly normal for this to end. Only a few percent of people marry their first love, 1 in 20. But
even many second and third loves end in a split, which is not unusual. It is good to realize that in any
relationship, one is usually a little more in love than the other, but it can also change over time.
Therefore, the breakup is usually more painful for one than for the other, someone is more injured.
So, first love almost always ends in tears for someone, but time heals everything well. Keep your
head up, standing up straight with your shoulders back - somewhere in the world, the one who is
waiting for you, is walking right now. Pray and work to find him - do not sit at home, think of the right
one and do something about it.
What is still acceptable in the relationship as to the chastity? When is it still cool between a boy
and a girl from God's point of view?
This is probably the most common question from our discussions with believing high school students.
But God is not a policeman who looks around the corner to see if the car is parked badly, nor a social
worker, because of which it is necessary to observe some minimum level of childcare, otherwise he
will take children from us. So, rather than asking what is "still permissible", ask what else God advises
us to make our love blossom in the long run.
God gives us freedom as a liberal parent, and it is up to us to deal with it. So, it is not okay with the
intimacies that we feel being reserved for the married. But it is much more a matter of choosing the
right one with a clear mind and without brain falling somewhere between our legs. “Tell the clever” -
and that's what God does. If you really love each other, it is best to keep tenderness to a minimum.
For the sake of your own love and its future.
But it seems to me that today many women do not mind that only the apple core remains in the
end. Do you know about that?
Unfortunately, this is so. Some women today openly say that they do not want lasting relationships
and that they do not want children. According to some surveys, there are already tens of percent of
these women in the UK, for example. In the past, men were spoiling women, but today,
unfortunately, women often spoil men.
There is an interesting account of Jesus' journey to death in the Bible in Luke's Gospel:
A great number of the people followed him, and among them were women who were beating their
breasts and wailing for him. But Jesus turned to them and said, “Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep
for me, but weep for yourselves and for your children. For the days are surely coming when they will
say, ‘Blessed are the barren, and the wombs that never bore, and the breasts that never nursed.’ Then
they will begin to say to the mountains, ‘Fall on us’; and to the hills, ‘Cover us.’ For if they do this
when the wood is green, what will happen when it is dry?”14
For centuries, the last sentence has been related to the destruction of Jerusalem and the suffering of
women and children in those days. But what if it is much more: for centuries, it has been a shame for
14
Bible, Luke 23:27-31
19
women not to have children and to be infertile. Childless women were often despised and ostracized,
when unable to give their husband children. What's more, it was often not even enough to give birth
to daughters because men longed for sons. However, these words of Jesus have taken on a different
meaning in our last generations, because in our time there are people who do not want to have
children, even though they are not in danger of any suffering. However, in the next sentence, Jesus
continues with the suffix: "Then they will say to the mountains: Fall on us, and to the hills: Cover us!"
Hard words. We could translate it into the colloquial saying: "female, return to your grave". Women
who do not want to have children at a time when they have the opportunity to form a stable
partnership and can also have children biologically - and by that I mean not only pregnancy and
childbirth, but also the ability to raise children and have small children around from morning to
evening and night - These women finish their lives in loneliness and without much love. Don't you
want to give love? You do not have her. Do you want to give little love? You will not get much of it.
If someone cannot have children for health reasons, of course it's something completely different - I
just add it to make sure I'm not misunderstood.
What if I don't want to get married at all, do I have to be a virgin to death?

A question like the previous one. But above all, it is necessary to say that we do not have to do
anything at all. We can live as we wish. But Jesus says to each of us, “If you will, follow me”. Here I
give you instructions. And we see right in the Bible: did everyone follow him? No. So everyone
decides for ourselves and no one will take this responsibility for us.
However, if you are under forty, you may change your mind about getting married. People often do
not want to get married because they have just not met the right one yet. Love is able to change
everyone. Try to preserve as much as possible for the single right guy.
Is it bad to date two boys at once?

If you really date them, then yes, that is bad. You give hope even where you should not give it. You
harm them and yourself, because you also lose the ability to love and be for the only one. You will
not be able to do it and no solid guy will want anything to do with you in the long run.
In general, there are two basic rules when a premarital relationship between a man and a woman is
good before God. The first one: chastity - love, without premarital sex, which always belongs only to
marriage. That is what this whole book is about. The second condition: a relationship is only good if it
can lead to marriage, that is, if we do not rule out the possibility that one day we might get married.
The point is that we should not give vain hope to those who can take the relationship much more
seriously than we do. Often one party is more in love and takes it more seriously than the other. So,
if we know we cannot or do not want to marry the other, we should break up right away. The second
condition is to protect hope and true love. Do not rob others of time and opportunity. This is also
valid so that we do not date someone just because of compassion or mercy. It is better to break up
quickly and not injure yourself anymore. This rule flows from love – I should love our neighbour
equally to myself.
But it is not true that love must always lead to marriage! Not at all. On the contrary, the relationship
before marriage should be such that the possibility of a "low-threshold" breakup is always
completely open. We do not have to make the relationship more serious than it should be - this is
the first condition for excluding premarital sex. These are simply clear rules for choosing a partner,
without wearing rose-coloured glasses and without selfishly hurting other people with any false
hope.
What you are saying is nice, but unfortunately, I am no longer a virgin. My first relationship did not
work out.
20
Jesus saves a woman caught in adultery from stoning by telling those around him to be the first to
throw a stone at her who is without sin. When no one throws a stone, Jesus only adds: I do not
condemn you either. Go and you don't sin anymore!
We begin our relationship with God over and over again every day. Every day we have the
opportunity to choose how we live. Start and start again. We each have our sins. However, we can
start a new life every hour and every day. And start each new relationship so that it is good in God's
eyes.
My wife and I know more women who have experienced something similar. Today, they have happy
and functioning marriages and relationships. However, from the beginning they lived as if the
virginity was still there and wanted to give everything to their husband. But I also know men who
have experienced the same thing.
This answer applies to women as well as men. Virginity is above all about the ability to wait and
surrender whole and FULLY to each other - but only to the real one and only one. Otherwise, after
some time you may say "even the second relationship did not work out for me".
Is it possible to start a relationship again with someone with whom it didn't work for us before?
Am I starting anew or following on from the original? Is there a chance it will work then?
Probably yes. It depends on you. I personally, once I broke up with someone, I made a rule that never
again. But it does not have to be that way.
If a person follows the two simple rules - pure love that can lead to marriage - then I think that when
a person is called into marriage, he will know because he is well with someone. And if God calls a
person to something other than marriage, then simply no human is enough for you.
However, as my wife says, the reason why the breakup took place is also very important. If the
reason was serious and if it persists, then of course it is better not to try again.
We love each other, we already live together and of course we sleep together. Do you want us to
break up? Why, when it fits together?
So, I tried to explain here that it doesn't have to last long and why. In general, you have three
options. Option one: get married quickly - I think in a few weeks. Give up sex until the wedding and
at least have a little walk together through the desert together. Option two: break up quickly, if you
feel the only thing binding you is the opportunity for sex or the cost of living separately. Option
three: move away quickly, stop having sex together and try to completely restart the relationship on
completely different principles. It's a difficult path, but there are people who have done it. It is also
possible.
You write that it suits you together. I wish you that. Only there is always the risk that you are at a
stage that may also end within a week. What is your relationship without those rose-coloured
glasses? Answer yourself. If this is really the right one, go for it and have kids together. This is a
natural continuation of your love. Do not limit your love artificially. Go to have it fully.
And the most important question - how does God see your relationship? What does God say to it? Do
not sin, solve it before God.
How long should we date before the marriage?

There is no general recipe for this. We met people who had been dating for eight years - from high
school till the end of university, did not sleep together, did not live together, and today they have
four children. Lovely little family. And we also know people who met over the internet, knew each
other for about two months and got married. And today they have six children together and they
look happy. There is no strict rule for the length of dating.
But if you want a general rule, it is said that it is good to spend all the year seasons together before
the wedding, so at least a year. But I see it as much more important not to put on those rose-
coloured glasses and to be able to agree on it. If you have been dating for a year and you can get
married, go for it!
21
What can be recommended when people date and do not sleep together?
The Czech language uses the term “walk together” for dating. It should be used because walking
together is one of the most important activities before marriage. When you walk together,
challenging terrain is an advantage. Multi-day journey like a pilgrimage15 - ideally to reach physically
to the bottom so that something hurts or one of you can no longer walk...
Working together is also important. When there is only you two - and now it is about who does what.
Try painting a room together, including cleaning and moving, of course. And try to take care of a
children's camp in the summer, for example. To see how the other treats children, how he can be
patient, how he can control himself, etc. And you will come up with a lot of other joint events with
the opportunity to get to know each other better.
In the case of serious acquaintance and marriage, of course, it is necessary to discuss where to live
and work, rules for relationships with parents, learn to resolve disputes together and specially to
learn to forgive without any sex, the expected number of children, discuss your hobbies and what
role they will play in the future family planning, how to handle money, what are the basic differences
between a man and a woman, who will take care of what at home and dozens of other topics. Keep
walking and talking…
But this book really wants to focus mainly on answering the question it has in its title. It is not about
a general preparation for marriage. There are authors better than me for this. It is also good to know
that every Roman Catholic diocese, as well as many parishes and congregations, organize courses in
preparation for marriage, which you can usually take even if you are only considering marriage.
If we don't sleep together before the wedding, what if we don't get along? I don't want to buy a
pig in a poke.
This is a typical question before marriage. The older you get, the more you will understand that sex is
almost always possible between a man and a woman. The ability to live sexually is almost like the
ability to eat, drink and walk. That is, except for some sick people - but they usually know about
themselves and if they are not selfish, they will also say it in time. In addition, I think everyone will
know if their sexual attraction works on their future.
By risking it and saying that you risk it together, not having sex together in advance, it also means
that you jump into God's arms a little together - and trust each other and God on a different level!
Moreover, it is not normal for you to do everything perfectly in the field of sex at once. You learn sex
together for a while and having a man and a woman have fantastic sex together for the first week is
good for James Bond, but the real sex develops over months and years. For the first few weeks or
months, it may not be much, and yet it says nothing about how it will go on. It can also be fine for a
few years and then the problems start. Sex life is simply life - it evolves and changes.
To start having sex life, however, is a genie released from a bottle. Once you get used to the sexual
life, it's not easy to stop. When you think about it, this is another reason why it is important to live
sexually with the person that you married, no sooner and/or with anyone else.
At what age to get married?

Age is just a reference number. Some people are already personally advanced at the age of 17, some
people still enjoy adolescent jokes at the age of 50, and they appear still like children for their peers.
Many people consider the age of 18 to be a turning point, which is primarily a legal fiction. Do not get
confused to what other people think you could or should do as an adult. Just as one does not
necessarily get drunk as a teenager, one does not have to have a serious relationship. In some
countries, the legal adulthood is at the age of 21 or even later and they are fine with it.
15
My wife and I went on a pilgrimage from Lourdes in France to Loyola in Spain, but with hundreds of other
students and in a group of 12 people.
22
When my wife and I were married, we were 25 and 23, and we were mildly late among our peers
with the wedding. Today, on the other hand, people usually cannot live lasting relationships and
often go to marriage long after their thirties. But that seems a pity to us again. In the meantime, their
best years - especially for women - are usually literally sucked out by the employer, instead of being
given to their families and children. They often regret it, but it may be too late. So, before the age of
21, we recommend that you do not rush into a wedding, because at that age, most of us do not know
what we really want and do not even know ourselves. On the other hand, after the age of 25,
especially for women, we recommend not to postpone marriage at all if your husband candidate is
around, because of fertility decline.
We've been dating for a while, we love each other, but I'm not entirely sure it's the right one. Is it
recognizable?
Sure. You need to know that just before the wedding, many of us have doubts. You need to decide
and then stand on your own word all your life. The decision to love a particular person simply needs
to be reached. As one managerial rule says: you run the risk of making a bad decision, but it is still
better than not making any decision at all. However, if the wife candidate is not lazy, hysterical, or
quarrelsome, and if the husband candidate is not an alcoholic, a sickly jealous or a chronically jobless.
In that case, it is better to break up sharply, immediately. You should also share the same sense of
humour with your next spouse.
We already live together, but we don't live sexually together. So why not live together? Do you see
another reason not to live together?
I have already said that the risk of eventually having sex together while living together is great. I think
it is so simple - especially in moments of fatigue, stress, grief or, conversely, great joy. It is so easy to
be lovingly comforted. And in marriage, it is a great thing. Sex is here not just to bear children in
marriage. However, if you do not want to have sex before the wedding, I find it strange to want to
live together, because it goes against each other. Each of you has a strong will, but your common will
may be weak, because love between a man and a woman simply demands ever more, it also requires
the full involvement of the body. Thus wanting to live together does not seem very wise to me.
And then there is the reason, which comes more from the "math of the relationship" between a man
and a woman. I think it is better if the female body stays a bit shrouded in mysterious veil for her
future. The Bible uses the term "know" for the sex life e.g. "And he didn't know her until..." A man
gets to know his wife fully through his sexual life. The coexistence when living together already
reveals much from the woman's body, but without the sexual fulfilment of love at the same time. I
find it potentially dangerous for a relationship. Our male body is much less complicated, and a
woman perceives a man comprehensively. But a man often gets to a deeper perception of a woman
through her body. I think we men need a female body rather mysterious when not yet living sexually.
As a student, I broke up with a girl because I accidentally saw something I should not have seen while
visiting their home. Faux pas lasting a second that I simply couldn't bear as a young man. One friend
told me that he had once broken up with a girl because her nostrils under her nose began to bother
him. Just a small detail, certainly surpassable and solvable, which his love did not overcome at that
time. This case is not related to living together, I just want to say that a seemingly insignificant little
thing can often decide on a relationship.
And when living together, similar little details and moments when the female body goes to the
"preview" may be more unplanned. Love can end and the real reason for the breakup will not be
presented at all. He will simply "appear" and be bothered by something that "marital sexual
23
fascination" would "cover" easily, but which is not "covered" enough when living together before
marriage. So basically the same conclusion: I do not find it very handy to live together before the
wedding.
Marriage means to share the "table and bed" together. But is it good to go to a shared table (and a
shared bathroom) when you do not want to go to bed together? Sexual fascination is an important
impulse to help start a marriage. It is not sensible to overtake marriage with sex nor to overtake
marriage vows and sex together. In other words: do not deform and do not separate all aspects of
the marital relationship – public marital promise, table, and bed. The right solution is to jump into
everything at the same time because it all "fits" together at the right time.
For Christians, there should also be a reason for possible outrage, i.e. a bad example that is given.
People around you know you live together, but they do not know that you do not sleep together. On
the contrary, they assume that you probably live sexually together, when it is so "normal and
natural" and "everyone" does it that way. Verba movent, exempla trahunt. Examples drag on, so it
seems bad to live together if a man and a woman are not married. It is better to set a good example.
Can you think of at least one advantage in premarital sex?

Yes, it will strengthen the relationship. However, it is also a big disadvantage - it also strengthens a
relationship that does not deserve it. And it always strengthens only for a short time. If a man and a
woman do not fit together, their relationship will naturally break down within 6-9 months. Unless, of
course, they start living sexually together. If they start sleeping together, the moment of sobriety
usually shifts by several years. Please have a look at the chapter called The Slide.
I think your suggested solution (D-day principle) is good. However, I feel alone in my class.
After this thin book was published, my children took tens of it to give it to their classmates. Yes, it is
hard to stand alone in a party when your friends do not understand. Consider recommending them
to read it as well. Many girls take this book for their boyfriends, brothers and even fathers.
24
Contents
The Walking Zoo .................................................................................................................................. 4

Train hard, fight easy ........................................................................................................................... 5
The Slide .............................................................................................................................................. 6
Little souvenirs .................................................................................................................................... 9
Recipes no. 6 and 9 ........................................................................................................................... 10
Apple to the core ............................................................................................................................... 12
Gift for God........................................................................................................................................ 13
The D-day principle ........................................................................................................................... 14
The main thing at the end ................................................................................................................. 17
Questions and Answers ..................................................................................................................... 19
Thanks ............................................................................................................................................... 25
Martin Kvapilik serves as a Director of Quality & IT at the Czech precise machinery TOSHULIN Group.
He earned his engineering title in technical cybernetics at the University of Technology in Brno and
Master in Christian education at Palacky University of Olomouc. He has two sons and two daughters
and lives in Kromeriz, Czech Republic. He wrote five books on dating, marriage and faith.
There is a video introducing this book, titled “Top 5 things fathers should tell their sons on sex and
dating” that you can find at author’s YouTube channel in the Videos in English playlist.
Thanks
Thank God for gradually giving me an understanding of life. I thank my wife Maria for her love and
for not being afraid to talk with me about what we have experienced and are experiencing.
Thanks to my sons and daughters and friends who have patiently read the text and given me valuable
comments and critical remarks.
Other friends told me after reading this book that, paradoxically, somewhere it is written very strictly
and somewhere it is very lenient. I think they are right. As St. John Paul II says, mercy is when God's
love meets our human misery. The key to understanding this paradox is God's love and forgiveness.
25
Edition notes
When speaking to parents we usually explain them that to educate kids in premarital chastity, they must
educate their whole classes and bunches. The school that our kids attended decided to inscribe this book on
the recommended reading list for the “kvinta” class i.e. students aged 16-17 years. The students had to
choose one book for religious classes and write an essay on “What I like and dislike in the book”. This book was
the thinnest one on the list and so the whole classes were reading it and thinking about the topics covered for
the essays and follow-up discussions. Another example: after reading the book, one father, a company owner,
decided to buy one copy for every student at the schools in his town.
The book has been promoted by the Youth committee of the Czech NCCB.
Please note this digital edition has not been supervised by any native English speaker yet. If you are a native
English speaker and you want to help to improve the language quality of the book, please contact the author.
If you find this little book beneficial for young people of your country and consider publishing it in your
language in print, please feel free to do so. Author can write you a line for your national edition if you wish.
This book is published under CC licence, see details below: without cost received, without cost given (Matt
10:8). You can contact the author at martin.kvapilik@gmail.com
You can download this document at

https://www.scribd.com/document/508978139/Why-Moving-in-and-Sex-Before-Marriage-is-Not-a-Good-Idea
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Copyright: Attribution Non-Commercial No-Derivs (BY-NC-ND)

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Why moving in and sex before

Foreword to the international digital release

Kromeriz, Czech Republic, the “covid” Lent of 2021

Original foreword to the first Czech edition

The Walking Zoo

Train hard, fight easy

Figure 1 – Sexually sensitive periods of the relationship

Figure 2 – Raiders of the lost happiness

„A pregnancy lasts forever, because every woman

Dr. Diana W. Bianchi

Recipes no. 6 and 9

Apple to the core

Gift for God

The D-day principle

Figure 4 – Christian solution of the Slide

But he will not understand…

The main thing at the end

However, women play a primary role in both stories.

Questions and Answers

What if I don't want to get married at all, do I have to be a virgin to death?

Is it bad to date two boys at once?

How long should we date before the marriage?

At what age to get married?

Can you think of at least one advantage in premarital sex?

The Walking Zoo .................................................................................................................................. 4

You can download this document at

Copyright: Attribution Non-Commercial No-Derivs (BY-NC-ND)

The original Czech book cover: The Slovak edition cover:

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