Helpi Your” Team nce David Kessler & Ne NIGHT sometime ago wasinamovie theater in Las Angeles when an earthquake struck. wasa rather long one, with Several aftershocks. remember distinctly that people nthe theater seemed tofal naturally into one of three groups: Some panicked and moved chaotically, unsure | what todo cor wnereto go. Some remained ‘Calmand moved tothe emergency exits, justas the peshow announcement had suggested they should. And some hardly moved tall. nstead they implored ‘others to calm down and go backto watching the movie. ve been thinking about that night since the tart ofthe coronavirus pandemic. Tis crisis isa shock different fioman earthquake, tobe sure, butts stila shock, and ve seen friends, family members, and workers atthe companies consult with experience reactions sim: ilarto those in the theater. Some have struggled tcope. Some have done what they can withthe guidance they have. And some want others to calm down and ‘continue with business as usual ‘As companies navigatea slow return toordinary life and work routines, they erstandand acknowledge that sof employves will need varying support. This isnot atime to check the policy manual ortorobotically “copy all with messages about thoughts and prayers, Thisisa time to help each indi vidual with his other particular grief Puttingthat name—arie'on ithas proved tobe powerful way tohelpanx ious colleagues make progress toward aa 538$4 leaters shoud think about hree groups of people the worried wel the affected, andthe bereave ‘normalcy. nate March, as thesituation inthe United States escalated rapidly, J wasinterviewed by HBR about grief and {the pandemic. We addressed the collee- tiveanxiety over the oss of contr the radical change in how we were living, the anticipatory grief we fel as we imagined future job losses and possibly the death of loved ones. The interview strucka deep chord asit was shared across the ‘world. Itspured countless notes of gratitude from doctors, nurses, other essential workers, and people fiom all ‘walks oflife. The reaction wasa reminder ‘that what peopleneed fistto deal with thistraumais toname what they feel so that they can start tomanageit. Griefis well understood, sowe know of ways todeal with it.The five stages of sriefare built onthe incredible work of lisabeth Kubler-Ross, who died in 2004. ‘They are adapted fromher landmark ‘work inthe late 1960s onthe ive stages of dying: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. Together she ‘and Lapplied them togref. tis mpera- tiveto recognize that these stages are not linear; they don't happen in predictable time frames; you may experience all or ‘only some of them. They are nota map of grief but, rather, a reference guide so ‘that when youdo have one of these feel- ‘ngs, you can identify it and manage it. ‘As people goback to work, oras those who've stayed on the job through the crisis begin to interact with return- ing workers, many wil stil be grieving. Not everyone will beat the same stage at the same time. Employees, leaders, managers, and organizations need to recognize this. If people seem ‘unusually angry, we should give them space and exercise patience. They are 54 July-August 2020 grieving. Someone who questions the pandemic statistics may be in denial and grieving, Most importants toallow people tofeel these stages. A peculianty of ‘modern life is that we have feelings about our feelings. We may feel sadness and then tell ourselves we shouldn't be sad-—that others have suffered more. We do this with many emotions. Utimately itdoesn't work. Allowing yourselfto ‘experience the tages of grief—tolet feelings move through you~is how you ‘get tothat fifth stage: acceptance. There, "unsurprisingly, is where the powers. In acceptance we regain control, because ‘weareno longer fighting the truth. This awful thing has happened. Now what? FINDING THE RIGHT INTERVENTIONS ve talked to many companies during this pandemic, including some very large ‘ones. My primary message to them is: ‘Avoid blanket polices; don't think that all employees need the same suppor. ‘And recognize that we grieve other losses as well asthe loss of heath or life. Leaders should thinkabout three ‘groups of peopleall working together. Furst are the worried well. They're healthy. They haven't experienced sickness around them, but they are con: ‘cerned. They may still be grieving losses ‘of work, ofnormalcy, of opportunities and events. Work projects they were pas sionate about. Weddings. Holiday gath- cerings. Vacations and trips. Students are losing activities that fulfill them; seniors are grieving the loss ofthe capstones, totheir academic careers: graduations, roms, and other ceremonies. Those are legitimate losses that create grief. -the woried well areal expenen, | ng amiipatorysrefdeep anxiety irae mind imagines future lose wate above and more, andthe ee or ved ones. Within this group are | mnie and ncn. Mii rie by denyingthe severity ofthe forthebest. Maximizersimagine the {fy isflling, The truth ies omens between tbo pots oF HE Ho reach groupbalance their minds ee condare theatre, wh we sickthemselvesor know someone suho was sickbut has recovered or wi Tecover. These people haven'tjust imag ined trauma-they've experienced t ‘They will benefit from accommodation and validation. Some may need course jngand other support mechanisms “The third group holds the bereaved, ‘They have losta loved one, are grieving | adeath, and willbe dealing directly wy the five stages. Many of them willbe fromacceptance. ‘Simply recognizing these the groups and adjusting interventions specifically foreach will goa long way toward hep- ing workers heal. Making them aware that the groups exist helpsas well: They can besensitiveto different experiences You don't wanta worried well minimize saying, “So we had to workfromhome fora couple of months—so what?" ina -g70up that may include colleagues who ‘ere sick or who are grieving death Inthe workplace much talkisabout hhow to engage employees, When work with companies, Ite them that ‘someone is rievinga loss, thatisa Powerful opportunity to engage them | What keeps people in jobs and dedicated not their compensation packages or | aproject they worked on. It's “When my loved one died, my boss did this |_ very thoughtful thing Or "When got very sick the company supported me throughout.” Or “They checked on me dduringa crisis One worker I spoke with |, hadaloved one who became ill. Hisbot ' called—not task when he'd bebackto‘work but, rather, toask how the loved ‘one was doing, ‘Companies have many grieving workers in this moment. As work returns tonormal, how will they treat their ‘employees? What did they learn? Can. ‘they tur post-traumaticstress into post-traumatic growth? (For more on this, see "Growth After Trauma,” inthis {ssue.) Are they mistakenly “ramping ‘back up” by asking "How can we retur tothe routine?” or “How can we make up foros ime and revenue?” Or will leaders invite workers into their offices and ask, “How are you doing today?" and “How can Isupport you?” Engagement ‘comes from the latter. FINDING MEANING Likeany other framework, the five stages of grief are. distillation of com plexideas, twas always challenging for Kiibler-Ross—one of the 2ath century’s great thinkersand the author of dozens ‘of books that have been translated {nto mote than 40 languages—tosee herlife's work reduced to those five ‘words, People started viewing them as. “five easy steps to grief” but she and would tell you there's nothing easy about them, Latein herlife we talked about how acceptance had taken on a kind of finality the grief process that neither ofus had intended. Some people believed that ifthey reached acceptance, they were finished, We talked informally about stages beyond acceptance—hope, ‘maybe, or finding meaning after grief. I started to write alittle about what came afteracceptance. ‘Then, in2016, my younger son, David, died unexpectedly. Icanceled everything and stayed home for weeks. Itfeltasbrutal asi couldever have imagined. Eventually Icame across the writing {had done on meaning. didn’t takethe pain away, butit did provide cushion, started totalk with others who'd experienced similar grief, and they echoed what I felt. 1id not want tostop at acceptance started to notice that people who elt stuckingief were those who were ‘unable tofind meaning. Hhegan to see reaningasthe sixth stage of gre. as honored when the Kubler-Ross family and foundationatlowed me toadditto ‘hei stages theleve that many of ws willbe looking fr thissinth stage inthe | wake ofthe pandemic, | Timnot alkingabout finding meaning | {natersible vent, Rather, meanings ‘what you find and what youmake, ater {it That won't make loss seem worth | thecost. will never beworth the cost Butmeaningcan heal painful memories and help us keep moving forward ‘Meaning comesin many forms: An | effort toremember the joy that some: thingor someone gave before the loss ‘anbring meaning, Ritual ofemem= brance can bringing, Gratitudeis | fom ofmeaning Fv found myslfin awe of and thanking, workers essen || talservices who persevere through this, crisis, many of them risking their health forlow wages. Turingthelossinto | something positive for others can bring meaning. Meaning comesin moments and actions that heal,evenifjustalite Meaningmaytaketime.ttwillbe | personal only you can find your own meaning). Andi doesnt have tobe profound. n my book Finding Meaning, Ttellthe story of Marcy, woman who Jost he father, One day she wasbuying stamps,andthemanbehindthe desk | asked what kind she wanted and showed | hherabunch ofdesigns. Marcydidn't | really care until she noticed that one set hada picture ofthe entertainer Danny ‘Thomas on them. She and her father used toloveto watch The Danny Thomas Show together Itwasafavorte mem- ory. So Marcy chose those stamps. she idirt frame them orrevere thems she | used them, When she pad abillor sent letter, she could remember her father fondly, She had created meaning | Recognize that yourlossis nota test. When we grapple with los, we tend to think oft asa test of our fortitude and ‘ourability to escape from the feelings the loss creates, But loss just happens. ‘There’s no test—there’s just grieving. ‘Meaning is what we make happen aftr. Isuspect that with the pandemic we'll find meaning sooner than we do ‘with many losses, because we're all inthis together overa relatively long, period of time. 've found some meaning, already. For me, writing artices like this ‘one helps create meaning, Does it make ‘experiencing pandemic worth it” Abso- futely not. Buti is healing, That doesn’t ‘mean we forget, or that damage didn’t ‘occur; it means that damage no longer controls our lives. Fweacknowledge thatin this rsis,imour work, something, ‘meaningful happened for usand others, ‘weare healing, We are moving forward inour griet Isincerely hope that for you, meaning, ‘comes soon, iit hasn't already. hope ‘that work becomesa place where people find it~where coworkers support one another and where managers ake care of their workers and allow them togrieve, ‘The pandemic sone season in our lives; it willend. It willbe remembered asanextraordinarly difficult time. But the slow process of retuming toa new rnormal-of namingour grief, helping. ‘one another reach acceptance, and find ‘ng meaningwill continue. For leaders that moment willbe an opportunity. ® HOR Reprint 820088 DDAVID KESSLER i worl foremost expert on grief anda conuthor, with Elisabeth Kubior Rass of and sieving His latest book is Fircing Meaning: Tha Sith Stage of Gre 2010) He isthe founder of wi grok com 55