Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Schwarz
Dragon.
Cast of characters:
Dragon.
Lancelot.
Burgomaster.
Heinrich - his son.
Cat.
Mule.
1st Weaver.
2nd Weaver.
Hatter.
Luthier.
Blacksmith.
Gardener.
1st Townsman.
2nd Townsman.
1st Townswoman.
2nd Townswoman.
Boy.
Peddler.
Warden.
A spacious, cozy kitchen, with a big hearth in the back. The stone floor is shining. On the easy
chair in front of the hearth Cat is napping.
Lancelot (entering, looks around, calls out) Master! Mistress! Is there a living soul around here?
Nobody’s home… The house is empty, the gate is open, the doors are unlocked, windows ajar.
Good thing I’m an honest person, otherwise I would’ve had to sneak around, tremble, grab what’s
valuable and get out fast – just when I want to rest a little. (Sits down). All right, we’ll wait. Mister
Cat! Are your masters going to be back soon? Huh? Keeping quiet, are you?
Cat. I am.
Lancelot. And why is that, if I may be permitted to inquire?
Cat. When it’s soft and warm around you, it’s wiser to slumber and keep your mouth shut, my dear
friend.
Lancelot. I see. So there’s trouble coming up? What kind? Are you keeping hush again?
Cat. I am.
Lancelot. Why?
Cat. When it’s soft and warm around you, it’s wiser to slumber and keep your mouth shut, rather
than concern yourself with future unpleasantness. Mew!
Lancelot. Hey, Cat, are you trying to scare me? It’s so cozy here in this kitchen, the fire in the
hearth has been built so lovingly. I refuse to believe that this nice house is being threatened. Cat!
What’s going on here? Answer me! Now!
Cat. Three.
Lancelot. Impressive. What about paws?
Cat. Four.
Lancelot. Well, that’s decent. Talons?
Cat. Sure. Five talons on each paw. Each one the size of an antler.
Lancelot. You don’t say! Are they sharp, those talons?
Cat. No. The saddest part of this story is exactly that they are both smiling. Quiet now. Good
evening! To dinner, to dinner, my dear friends!
Lancelot. Your house – it was looking at me so invitingly, and the gates were open, and the fire
was burning in the fireplace, so I let myself in. I apologize.
Lancelot. Nothing.
Elsa. Why do I get a feeling that you are… afraid of me?
Elsa. You must be really tired. Do sit down. Why are you standing?
Lancelot. Thank you.
Charlemagne. You can have a wonderful rest with us. This is a very quiet town. Nothing ever
happens here.
Lancelot. Never?
Charlemagne. Never. Well, last week we had some very strong winds. The roof of one house was
nearly blown off. But this is not such a big deal, is it?
Elsa. Of course.
Lancelot. What about… the dragon?
Charlemagne. Oh, that… But we’ve grown so accustomed to him. He’s lived with us for four
hundred years now.
Charlemagne. Not in the last two hundred years. Before that, he was fought a lot, but he would kill
all his adversaries. He’s an amazing strategist and a great tactician. He attacks the enemy unawares,
pelting him with stones from above, then swoops straight down, right on top of the horse’s head,
and beats it with fire – which totally demoralizes the poor beast. Then he rips the horseman apart
with his claws. Well, in time, they finally stopped going against him.
Lancelot. Didn’t you try going with entire town?
Charlemagne. Of course we did.
Lancelot. And?
Charlemagne. He torched the suburbs and driven half the population mad with poisonous smoke.
I told you this is a great warrior.
Elsa. Please, do take more butter.
Lancelot. Yes, I think I will. I need to restore my strength. So, I apologize for asking so many
questions, but – nobody even tries to go against the dragon anymore? He’s grown completely
shameless?
Charlemagne. Oh no! Not at all! He’s so kind!
Lancelot. Kind?
Charlemagne. I assure you. When the town was under the threat of a cholera epidemic, upon the
pleading of the town doctor he breathed fire on the lake and thus boiled it. The entire town drank
boiled water, which saved us from the epidemic.
Charlemagne. Our town delivers a thousand cows, two thousand sheep, five thousand chickens
and eighty pounds of salt a month. In summer and fall, there’s also ten acres of lettuce, asparagus
and cauliflower added to that.
Lancelot. He’s eating you around!
Charlemagne. Not at all! We’re not complaining. How else can it be? As long as he’s here, no
other dragons would dare touch us.
Lancelot. All right. Do you know what the Book of Sorrows is?
Elsa. No.
Lancelot. Now you will. Five years’ walk from here, in the Black Mountains, there’s an enormous
cave. There’s a book lying in this cave, filled up to half. Nobody touches it, but page after page
gets added to the ones written before, added every day. Who writes them, you ask? The world!
The mountains, the grass, the stones, the trees, the rivers – they all see what people are doing. All
the crimes are known to them, all the suffering of innocents. From branch to branch, from drop to
drop, from cloud to cloud the human sorrows reach the cave in the Black mountains, and the book
grows with them. If there weren’t this book in the world, all trees would die from longing, and
water would become bitter. Who is this book being written for? For me.
Elsa. For you?
Lancelot. For us. For me and few others. We are light and watchful people. We discovered that
there is such a book, and took pains to reach it. And whoever glances into this book once will never
have peace again. What a sorrowful book it is! The complaints cannot lay unanswered. And we
answer them.
Elsa. How?
Lancelot. We insert ourselves in other people’s business. We help those in need of help. We
destroy those who need to be destroyed. Do you need help?
Elsa. What help?
Elsa. No, please! He will kill you, and that would poison the last hours of my life!
Cat. Meow!
Howling and whistling suddenly stop. There is a loud knock on the door.
Charlemagne. Come in!
Man. How’s it going, guys. Hi, Elsa, honey. You’ve got yourselves a guest. Who is it now?
Charlemagne. That’s a stranger. Just passing by.
Man. What? Report loudly and precisely, as a soldier should.
Charlemagne. He is a stranger!
Man. Is he a gypsy?
Charlemagne. Sir dragon has been living among humans for so long that he turns into one himself
from time to time, and drops by for a friendly visit.
Dragon. Yes. Friends indeed, my dear Charlemagne. In fact, I am even more than a friend to all of
you. I am your childhood friend. Not even that, I am a childhood friend of your father’s, and your
grandfather’s, and your great-grandfather’s. Why, I even remember your great-great-grandfather
in diapers. Darn! A wayward tear. Ha! The stranger is gawking. Didn’t expect such feelings from
me, did you? Did you? Lost your wits, you son of a bitch. Well, well. That’s OK. Ha! Elsa!
Elsa. Yes, sir dragon.
You sweet little thing, you. Such a warm paw. Chin up! Give us a smile. Right. What’s that,
stranger? Huh?
Lancelot. Business.
Dragon. What kind of business? Come on, spill it. Huh? Maybe I’ll help you, y’know. What did
you come here for?
Lancelot. To kill you.
Dragon. Louder!
Elsa. No! He’s joking! Would you like to hold my hand again, sir dragon?
Dragon. Wha?
Lancelot. I am challenging you to a fight, do you hear?
Dragon. (Suddenly cutting the howl short; very calmly) You idiot. Well? Wanna say anything?
Scared?
Lancelot. No.
Dragon. No?
Lancelot. No.
Dragon. All right, then. (With a slight shrug of his shoulders suddenly completely transforms
himself. There’s a new head on his shoulders; the old one vanished without a trace. A somber,
reserved, highbrowed, narrow-faced graying blond man is standing in front of Lancelot.)
Cat. Don’t be afraid, my dear Lancelot. He’s got three noggins, so he just swaps them when he
pleases.
Dragon. (his voice changed just as his face did. Quietly and dryly.) Is your name Lancelot?
Lancelot. Yes.
Dragon. Are you a descendant of the infamous itinerant knight named Lancelot?
Lancelot. He is my distant relative.
Dragon. I accept your challenge. Itinerant knights are like gypsies. You need to be exterminated.
Lancelot. I won’t let you.
Dragon. I have exterminated: eight hundred and nine knights, nine hundred and five men of
undetermined social status, one old drunkard, two loonies, two women – a mother and an aunt of
the girls I have chosen, and one adolescent boy of twelve – a brother of similar girl. This list has
also been extended by six armies and five rebellious mobs. Please have a seat.
Lancelot. (Sits.) Thank you.
At the word "precise" Dragon makes a slight movement with his hand. A thread of flame shoots
out of his index finger. It lights up the tobacco in the pipe that Lancelot have filled.
Lancelot. No.
Dragon. I can see you are still resolute.
Dragon. This means I am going to kill you immediately. Here. Right now.
Lancelot. But I am unarmed!
Dragon. Would you have liked me to give you enough time to arm yourself? No. I told you I was
going to fight you in earnest. Elsa, please fetch a broom!
Dragon. People will know nothing of this. These two will keep their mouths shut. You are going
to die now – bravely, quietly and disgracefully. (Raises his hand.)
Charlemagne. Do not be angry, I implore you – you know I am loyal to you with all of my soul.
But I am still an archivist.
Charlemagne. But you have signed. I can fetch the document real quick.
Dragon. Stay where you are.
Charlemagne. There came someone who is trying to save my girl. Loving one’s children is OK. It
is permitted. And being a good host – it is also mostly permitted. Why are you looking at me so
horribly? (Buries his face in his hands).
Elsa. Daddy!
Charlemagne. I protest!
Dragon. All right. I’ll eliminate the entire nest.
Cat jumps out of the window in one leap. He is heard hissing from a distance.
Cat. Everything, to everybody, I’ll tell everything, you decrepit lizard!
Dragon breaks into a howl again, it is as loud as before, but this time we distinctly hear moans,
coughing and hissing in it. This is a huge ancient evil monster roaring.
Dragon. (Suddenly cutting the roar short.) All right. We’ll fight tomorrow, as requested.
Departs quickly. Immediately loud whistling noise starts behind the door. Walls are shaking, the
light blinks. The noise dies down in the distance.
Charlemagne. He’s gone. What have I done! Whatever have I done! The damned old egoist. I
could not help myself! Elsa, are you angry with me?
Elsa. No, of course not.
Charlemagne. I suddenly feel very weak. Excuse me. I have to lie down. No, no, you should not
accompany me. Stay with our guest. Entertain him with a conversation. He was so nice to us.
Excuse me, I’ll go now.
Lancelot. I could sense that. Won’t it pain you to part with him?
Elsa. But to console him, the dragon made Heinrich his personal secretary.
Lancelot. I see. In this case, it is not such a tragedy to leave him after all. What about your town?
Are you going to miss it?
Elsa. Oh no! I will perish on Sunday, but up until the next Tuesday the entire town will be in
mourning. For three whole days nobody will eat any meat. And special rolls called "the poor girl"
will be served with tea – in honor of me.
Lancelot. That’s it?
Cat. Eight of my cat girlfriends and forty eight of my kittens ran all around town, telling everyone
of the little skirmish we’re going to have. Meow! Burgomaster himself is on his way here!
Lancelot. Why?
Burgomaster. Because my nervous system is in awful condition, that’s why. I am afflicted with all
of the neurological and psychiatric disorders that exist in the world, and with three more on top of
that which were previously unknown. You think maybe that being a burgomaster under the dragon
is just a walk in the park?
Lancelot. You’ll get better once I kill the dragon.
Burgomaster. Better? Ha! Better! Ha! Better! (has a hysteric attack. Drinks some water, calms
down). The fact that you dared to challenge sir dragon is a disaster, that’s what it is. The business
was in top shape. Sir dragon, by using his considerable influence, was keeping my worthless punk
of an assistant under control, and his entire gang of flour merchants along with him. Now
everything is going to be messed up! Sir dragon is going to be preoccupied with the upcoming
fight and will disregard the concerns of the town council – just when we started to make progress!
Lancelot. How I can get it into your head, you poor man – I am going to save the town!
Burgomaster. Town? Ha! Town! Ha! Town! (Drinks some water, calms down). My assistant is
such a scoundrel that I will gladly sacrifice not one, but two towns if only I could get rid of him.
Five dragons are better than one bastard like my assistant. I am begging you – please leave? Pretty
please?
Lancelot. I won’t.
Burgomaster. Congratulations. I am having a cataleptic fit. (Goes rigid, with a bitter smile on his
face).
Lancelot. I. Will. Save. Everybody. Understand?
Burgomaster. Congratulations, I just went a bit crazy. (Puts one arm akimbo, bends the other one
gracefully.) I am a teapot! Boil me!
Lancelot. I think I know why these little people were running on tiptoes.
Burgomaster. Oh? And why’s that?
Lancelot. So that they don’t wake up real people. I am just going to have a little chat with them.
(Runs out.)
Burgomaster. Boil me! On the other hand, there isn’t much he can do, right? One word from sir
dragon, and we’re going to lock him up in jail. Do not be concerned, my dear Elsa. At the
appropriate moment, right on the clock, our dear dragon is going to lock you in his embrace. Rest
assured.
Elsa. I will.
There is a knock on the door.
Come in.
Enter the same Butler that announced the arrival of the dragon.
Burgomaster. Hello, sonny.
Heinrich. Me neither.
Elsa. What did the dragon want you to tell me?
Heinrich. He wanted me to tell you that you have to kill Lancelot if it becomes necessary.
Elsa. How?
Heinrich. In response to that, sir dragon directed me to tell you that he’d exterminate all of your
girlfriends.
Heinrich. In response to that, sir dragon directed me to tell you that he knows how to reward loyal
servants.
Elsa. Lancelot will kill your dragon!
Heinrich. And in response to that, sir dragon directed me to tell you: "We’ll see about that!"
Curtain.
Act 2.
Town’s central square. To the right there is the town hall with a tower, upon which an armed sentry
is seen. In the back stands a huge somber brown building with no windows, but with an enormous
cast iron door from foundation up to the roof. "No humans, no exception" is written on it in Gothic
script. To the left – a wide ancient wall. There is the town well in the middle with a gazebo and
figured railings. Heinrich, without his livery, is shining the brass fittings on the cast iron door.
Heinrich. (singing to himself) Old man dragon had a cow, e-i-e-i-o. He said "We'll see about that
now", e-i-e-i-o… Puff the magic dragon said "Just wait and see"… Deep in my heart I do believe
- we shall wait and see some day!
Burgomaster runs out from the town hall. He is in a straightjacket.
Burgomaster. What do you think? They had to change three straitjackets on me – and that’s in the
last half hour. Maybe it’s going to rain or something, but my blasted schizophrenia is especially
nasty today. Delusions left and right. Hallucinations, fixations, you name it. (Yawns.) Got tobacco?
Heinrich. Sure.
Heinrich. So, when are you going to decide the question of weapons?
Burgomaster. What weapons?
Heinrich. For Lancelot.
Burgomaster. Of course I am. Now there’s a good son for you. Give him a minute, and he
completely forgets how deeply ill his father is. (screams) All you need is love! (calmly) If that’s
not a delusion, I don’t know what is.
Heinrich. It’s OK, father. It’ll pass.
Burgomaster. Don’t you think I know that? It’s still unpleasant all the same.
Heinrich. Listen here. I’ve got important news. Old man dragon is nervous.
Burgomaster. Can’t be!
Heinrich. Trust me. The old timer fluttered around who knows where all through the night, wings
be damned. Showed up his mugs at home only by dawn. And he reeked of fish like you won't
believe, which only happens when he’s worried.
Burgomaster. I see.
Heinrich. And I managed to find out the following. Our exalted serpent was fluttering all night
exclusively to dig up the complete scoop on the good sir Lancelot.
Burgomaster. No kidding.
Heinrich. Don’t know how, don’t know where – Himalayas or Mount Ararat, Scotland or
Caucasus, but the old timer figured out that this Lancelot is a professional hero. I despise their
kind. However, being a professional bad guy, our Puff obviously pays a certain attention to them.
He was cursing, he was screeching, he was whining. Then grandpa sent for a little beer. After
guzzling a barrel of his favorite beverage the dragon spread his webbed wings once more, and can
still be seen jetting to and fro in the skies like a birdie. Doesn’t this bother you?
Burgomaster. Not in the least.
Heinrich. Tell me, daddy. You’re older than I am… More experienced… Tell me, what do you
think of the upcoming battle? Answer me. Is it possible that Lancelot… Straight answer, please,
without all those canned pleasantries – is it possible that Lancelot could win? Daddy? Please?
Burgomaster. My pleasure, sonny. I’ll give you a simple, straight answer, right from the bottom
of my soul. You see, my little one, I have grown, you know, so truly fond of our dear dragon!
Cross my heart. You can almost say he’s like family now. I would even, you know… What’s the
word… Give my life for him. Honest to goodness truth, blow me down. No, no! He’s going to
win, my precious! He will prevail, our fervent serpent! Snarling darling! Bustler-robustler!
Heinrich. I can see, daddy, that you don’t want to speak to your only son honestly and sincerely.
Burgomaster. Oh no, sonny. I am not crazy. I mean, I am crazy, but not to that extent just yet. Did
the dragon order you to interrogate me?
Heinrich. I remember.
Burgomaster. Beautiful. Just put them in your report.
Heinrich. I will, daddy.
Burgomaster. You my little spy, you! My only sonny boy! Concerned with his little career, my
sweetie. Need any money?
Heinrich. Not at the moment, thank you, daddy.
Burgomaster. Here, don’t be shy. I’ve got some. Just had a fit of kleptomania yesterday. Take it.
Heinrich. No, thank you, daddy. Can you tell me the truth now?
Burgomaster. Come on, sonny, you are not a little boy anymore. He wants truth, wouldn’t you
know it. I am not just your average citizen, see. I am the burgomaster. I wouldn’t tell the truth to
myself for so many years that I even forgot how it sounds, damn it. I distaste it. I loathe it. Do you
know what that pesky truth smells like? Enough about that. Hail dragon! Hail dragon! Hail dragon!
The Sentry on the tower strikes his lance against the floor.
Sentry. Atten-tion! Eyes to the sky! His excellency the dragon has appeared over the Gray
mountains!
Heinrich and Burgomaster snap to attention, turning their heads skywards. A distant rumble is
heard, which gradually dies down.
At ease! His excellency has turned away and disappeared among flames and smoke!
Heinrich. Patrolling.
Burgomaster. Right. Listen, now you tell me one little itty-bitty thing. The dragon, he really did
not give any orders?
Heinrich. He didn’t, daddy.
Burgomaster. No killing, then?
Burgomaster. That’s OK. I understand. Business is business, nothing you can do about it. Right.
Heinrich. Let me remind you, Mr. Burgomaster, that in a few minutes the festive ceremony of
conferring of the weapons upon our Mr. Hero there is scheduled to take place. Might happen that
Puff himself would deign to attend, and you haven’t anything ready.
Burgomaster. All right, all right. I’m going. We’ll pick some weapons for him in a snap.
Satisfaction guaranteed. Tie up my sleeves. Here he comes! Here comes Lancelot!
Heinrich. Take him away from here. Elsa is coming, and I need a talk with her.
Enter Lancelot.
Burgomaster. Glory, glory, halleluja, St. George, the Victory Bringer! Oops, sorry. That’s just my
delirium talking. For a moment there, I could swear I saw a resemblance.
Lancelot. Sure.
Burgomaster. Who?
Lancelot. Your anxious citizens would sic their dogs on me. You’ve got some very sensible dogs,
I can tell you. That’s who I made friends with. They understood me, because they love their masters
and wish them well. We talked until dawn.
Burgomaster. Picked up any fleas?
Lancelot. Why?
Burgomaster. Why do linden trees grow on the Dragonpaw street? Why dance when you want to
kiss? Why kiss when the horses are waiting? Members of the town council need to see you in
person to figure out what kind of weapon will be most appropriate for you. Let’s go present
ourselves to them!
Elsa!
Elsa. I am here. Did you send after me?
Heinrich. I did. Such a pity there’s this sentry on the wall. If not for that extremely annoying
circumstance, I would have embraced and kissed you.
Heinrich. Oh no. I brought you here to ask – will you marry me?
Elsa. Stop it!
Heinrich. I am serious. I am authorized to inform you of the following: if you are going to be
dutiful and kill Lancelot when needed, Puff will let you go free as a reward.
Heinrich. I am the real dragon slayer, if you wish. I can solicit anything. I was just waiting for my
chance, and here it came. I am not so stupid as to concede you to anyone.
Exit Heinrich.
Elsa. Oh my god. My cheeks are flushed as if I were kissing him. How shameful! He almost
convinced me… So that’s how I am! So be it. Very well. Enough. I was the most obedient girl in
town. I believed everything. And what did it get me? Sure, everyone respected me, but happiness
would always come to someone else. They are sitting now in their houses, selecting their most
festive frocks, ironing the lace. Putting on their curls. They are going out to admire my misfortune.
I can just see them sitting in front of their mirrors with their powder boxes, saying "Poor Elsa!
That poor girl, she was ever so nice!" And I am here all alone, alone in this square, I stand here
and suffer. And that idiot guard is gawking at me thinking what the dragon is going to do to me
today. And tomorrow that guard would still be alive, he’ll have a break after his watch. He will go
to the waterfall, where the river is so joyful that even the gloomiest people cannot but smile looking
at how merrily it jumps. Or he might go to the park, where the gardener have grown a patch of
wonderful black-eyed Susans that can squint, wink at you and even read, provided the book is
written in big letters and has a happy ending. Or he would go rowing on the lake that the dragon
boiled, where the mermaids are so gentle since then. Not only they don’t sink anyone anymore,
they even sit in shallow waters and sell lifejackets. But they are still beautiful, and soldiers like
chatting with them. And this stupid soldier would tell the mermaids how the happy music was
playing, and everyone was crying, and the dragon was taking me to his cave. And the mermaids
will ooh and aah and say "Oh, poor Elsa, that poor girl, the weather is so nice today and she’s
gone!" I don’t want to! I want to see everything, hear everything, feel everything. There! I want to
be happy! There! I brought the knife to kill myself. And I won’t. There!
Lancelot walks out of the town hall.
Lancelot. My sweet lady, I had such a hard day that my soul is simply crying out for some rest, if
only for a moment. And here I meet you, as if on purpose.
Elsa. No.
Lancelot. And I am not offended by that. This shows how much I like you, I guess.
Elsa’s 1st Girlfriend. You think we are not letting you say goodbye to Elsa on purpose.
Elsa’s 2nd Girlfriend. But we are not.
Elsa’s 3rd Girlfriend. Heinrich ordered us not to leave the two of you alone until sir dragon allows
it.
Elsa’s 3rd Girlfriend. Because otherwise we would have had to cry. You, stranger, don’t have any
idea how embarrassing it is to cry before strangers.
Burgomaster. That is a very funny joke… How did she go? "I thought that to boys it comes
naturally?" Ha-ha-ha! Have you heard this one? Very funny. One gypsy got his head chopped
off…
Trumpets.
Oh, everything’s ready. All right, I’ll tell you after the ceremony. Remind me. Let’s go, people,
let’s go. Let’s get this over with.
City council members stand to the right and left of the big chair in the middle. Heinrich goes behind
that chair.
(Bowing to the empty chair, very quickly) Overwhelmed and humbled by the trust that you, your
excellency, invest in us by allowing us to adjudicate decisions of such importance, we beseech you
to assume the place of the honorary chairman. Going once, going twice… Dejectedly, we
acknowledge the inevitable. Got to carry on by ourselves. Please be seated. I declare this
mooting…
Pause.
Water!
Burgomaster. Why yes, but we have temporarily promoted it to helmet. This copper tray is
appointed a shield. Don’t be concerned. Even things in our town are disciplined and obedient.
They will carry out their duties to the best of their abilities. Unfortunately, we have no suits of
armor in the town storage. But we do have a spear. (Hands Lancelot a piece of paper.) This is
hereby given to you to certify that the spear is undergoing preventive maintenance at this point,
which is affirmed by appropriate signatures and affixing of the town seal. All you have to do is
present this to sir dragon during the fight, and everything is going to be just fine. That’s all, folks!
(deep voice) Just close the meeting, old hag! (high voice) I’m closing, I’m closing. These people
nowadays, they always get angry, angry, don’t know why they’re angry… (singing) Teensy-
weensy Knightie went up the water spout… (deep voice) Close it! (high voice) What do you think
I’m doing? (singing) Down came the Dragon and took the Knightie out… Out came the sun, and
this session is now closed.
Sentry. Attention! To the sky! His excellency has appeared over the Gray mountains and is now
approaching at enormous speed!
All present jump up and freeze with their heads turned skywards. A distant rumble is heard,
growing louder by the moment. The stage darkens. Complete darkness. Rumbling suddenly stops.
Attention! His excellency is floating above us like a storm cloud, obscuring the sun! Don’t breathe!
Two little green points light up.
Cat. I am going to be nodding off on the wall. Pick a moment, pussyfoot over there – I have
something very pleasant I’d like to purr to you…
Everybody leaves. Left on the stage are Lancelot, Dragon and Cat who is sleeping on top of the
wall.
Lancelot. No.
Dragon. Lies again. My people are very scary. Won’t find any like them anywhere. Solid piece of
work. Hewn them myself.
Lancelot. They’re still human.
Dragon. That’s from the outside.
Lancelot. No.
Dragon. If you could see their souls, that would give you a fright.
Lancelot. No.
Dragon. You’d run away. Wouldn’t risk your life for the cripples. My dear man, I crippled them
myself. Crippled them exactly as required. You see, the human soul is very resilient. Cut the body
in half – and the man croaks. But tear the soul apart – and it only becomes more pliable, that’s all.
No, really, you couldn’t pick a finer assortment of souls anywhere. Only in my town. Souls with
no hands. Souls with no legs. Mute souls, deaf souls, chained souls, snitch souls, damned souls.
Do you know why the burgomaster parades his supposed madness around? To conceal that he does
not have any soul at all. Hollow souls, corrupt souls, worn out souls, dead souls. A pity they’re
invisible, really.
Lancelot. People would be horrified if they could see with their own eyes what happened to their
souls. They would rather march to their deaths than remain enslaved. Who is going to feed you
then?
Dragon. I’ll be damned. You might be onto something there. So, shall we begin?
Fetch Elsa.
Heinrich runs out.
Dragon. Glad to hear that. I also like her very much. An excellent girl. Very obedient girl.
Enter Elsa and Heinrich.
Come, come here, my sweet. Look into my eyes. That’s right. Perfect. The eyes are bright. You
may kiss my hand now. That’s right. Excellent. The lips are warm. This means your soul is clear.
Would you like to say goodbye to Mr. Lancelot?
Elsa. As you wish, sir dragon.
Dragon. Here’s what I wish. Go. Have a nice talk with him. Have a very nice, tender talk with him.
Kiss him goodbye. That’s all right. I am going to be right there. You may do it if I’m there. And
then kill him. It’s OK. I am going to be right there. You will do it if I’m there. Go on. You can
take him a little farther along from here. I have excellent eyesight. I’ll see everything. Go on.
Lancelot. All right, Elsa. Let’s say goodbye just in case. This is going to be a serious battle. Who
knows what might happen. I’d only like to tell you that I love you, Elsa.
Elsa. Me!
Lancelot. Yes, Elsa. Yesterday I liked you so much when I saw you walking so quietly home with
your father. Then I noticed that every time I meet you, you look more and more beautiful. There,
I thought. This might be it. And then, when you kissed the dragon’s paw, I was not angry, just very
sad. That’s when I could see it all clearly. I love you, Elsa. Please don’t be angry. I wanted so
much for you to know that.
Elsa. I thought that even if there were another girl in my place, you still would have challenged
the dragon.
Lancelot. Of course I would have. Those dragons, I just can’t stand them. But for you, I am ready
to strangle him with my bare hands. Even though that’s pretty disgusting.
Elsa. It is.
Lancelot. Isn’t it? I have a feeling now that I don’t have anyone closer to me than you are. And I
think about your town as being my own, because you live here. If I am… What I’m saying is that
if we don’t get a chance to talk anymore, please do not forget about me.
Elsa. No.
Lancelot. Please don’t. This is the first time today that you looked into my eyes. And I’ve just felt
this incredible warmness inside, as if you have caressed me. I am just a stranger, light as a feather,
but I’ve been fighting hard battles all my life. Dragon here, monsters there, giants… You hustle
and you hustle… That’s a fussy, thankless job, you know. But I was always happy. I never grew
tired. And I fell in love a lot.
Elsa. I am.
Lancelot. Why?
Elsa. For myself and you. We are not going to be happy together, Mr. Lancelot. Why did I have to
be born under a dragon!
Lancelot. Elsa, I’ve never told anything but truth. We are going to be happy. Trust me.
Elsa. Oh, please don’t.
Lancelot. We are going to walk together along a forest trail, merry and happy. Just you and I.
Elsa. Really?
Lancelot. Yes. Oh, your poor people, they wouldn’t know how deep love can be. All the fear, all
the weariness, all the misapprehension – they will just burn out inside you, disappear forever, that’s
how much I’m going to love you. You will smile as you go to sleep, and when you wake up, you
are going to smile and call me, that’s how much you are going to love me. And you’ll learn to love
yourself, too. You will become calm and proud. You will understand that if I am kissing you, it
means that you are beautiful just the way you are. And all the trees in the forest would talk to us
gently, and birds, and animals, because real lovers understand everything. And everybody would
be happy to meet us, because real lovers bring luck.
Dragon. What’s he prattling about over there?
Heinrich. A sermon, I guess. Knowledge is power. Wash you hands before every meal. The usual.
Such a bore…
Dragon. I see. Look, she put her hand on his shoulder. She’s doing great!
Elsa. Even if we would never live to see that happiness, no matter. It doesn’t matter, I am happy
now. These monsters are watching over us, but it seems like we’re oceans away. Nobody ever
talked to me this way, my dear. I never knew there were people like you in this world. Only
yesterday I was so obedient, just like a dog. I wouldn’t let myself to even think about you. And
still, I went down to the kitchen last night, very quietly, and drank the wine that was left in your
glass. Only now I understand that by doing that I was secretly, in my own way, kissing you that
night, to thank you for standing up for me. You wouldn’t understand what a mess the feelings of
us poor downtrodden girls are. I thought I hated you then. And now I see that this was my own
secret way of falling in love with you. I love you! I am so happy to be able to say that openly. And
I am so happy to… (kisses Lancelot).
Dragon. (stomping his feet with anticipation) She’s going to do it, she’s going to do it!
Elsa. Now please let me go, my love. (slides out of Lancelot’s embrace. Pulls the knife out of the
holster.) See this knife? Dragon ordered me to kill you with this knife. Look!
Dragon. Come on, come on, come on!
Dragon. Well, well, well. I see. I guess we’ll have to fight then. (Yawns.) Tell you the truth, I am
not really disappointed. I have developed a fascinating blow recently, with the X paw in the Y
direction. We’ll just test it directly on the body. Knave, go call the guards.
Heinrich runs off.
Go home, silly girl. We’ll discuss all of this carefully, privately after the fight.
Enter Heinrich with the Guards.
Guards! Listen, what was it I was going to tell you… Ah, of course. Please escort this lady to her
house. And hold her there.
You boy, relieve that sentry in the tower and send him to jail. We’ll have to cut his head off later
tonight. He heard the damn girl scream at me, and he might squeal about it in the barracks. Go take
care of it. Then return here. You’re going to help me spread poison on my talons.
Exit Heinrich.
(To Lancelot.) And you, you just stay where you are, understand? When I begin, I won’t tell you.
Real war always starts out of the blue, understand?
Climbs out of the chair and goes off into the palace.
Lancelot approaches the Cat.
A Mule’s head is seen behind the wall. He stops dead in a cloud of dust. Five handlers are yelling
at him. Heinrich runs across the square.
Two handlers. It is. Superior quality, double sided, wool and silk, colors by our own special secret
recipe. But the secret of the carpet is not in the colors, or the wool, or the silk. (softly) This is a
flying carpet.
Lancelot. Marvelous! Tell me quickly, how do you pilot it?
Two handlers. It’s very simple, Mr. Lancelot. This is the altitude corner, there’s sun printed on it.
This is the depth corner, there’s earth printed on it. This is the intricate flight corner, there are
swallows printed on it. And this is the dragon corner. Lift it, and you fly sharply down, right on
your enemy’s noggin. Here we printed the goblet of wine and some sumptuous food. Beat him and
have a party. No, no. Do not thank us. Our great-grandfathers were waiting for you, looking at the
road. Our grandfathers were waiting. And we finally got to meet you.
They depart quickly, and right away the Third handler runs up to Lancelot, with a carton in his
hands.
3rd handler. Good afternoon, sir! Excuse me. Please turn your head that way. Now this way.
Perfect. Dear sir, I am the town hatter. I make the best hats in the entire world. I am quite famous
in this town. Every dog knows me here.
Lancelot. Why?
3rd handler. You see, this is a very special, very tragic model. This is the invisibility hat.
Lancelot. Excellent!
3rd handler. As soon as you put it on, you will immediately disappear, and the poor master will
never know if it suits you or not! Take it, but please don’t try it before me! I can’t bear it! I can’t!
He runs out. The Fourth handler approaches Lancelot right away – a gloomy, burly, bearded man
carrying a large package on his shoulder. He unwraps it. There are a sword and a spear.
You see? We heard everything, we heard how you were wandering all alone in this town, and we
were hurrying, trying our best to arm you from head to toe. We waited, hundreds of years we
waited. The dragon made us very quiet, so we waited quietly. And now our wait is over. Kill him
and set us free. Right?
Instrument responds with a musical phrase. Exit Fifth handler, bowing deeply.
Cat. When the fighting starts, we – the mule and I – are going to take cover in the barn behind the
palace. I wouldn’t want the flames to singe my fur. If you need us, just holler. Here in the mule’s
bags there are some beverages to maintain your strength, cherry pie, sharpening steel for the sword,
spare tips for the spear and a sewing kit.
Lancelot. Thank you. (Walks onto the carpet. Takes the weapons in his hands, puts the musical
instrument at his feet. Unwraps the invisibility hat, puts it on and disappears).
Cat. Excellent craftsmanship. Outstanding masters. Are you still here, dear Lancelot?
Voice of Lancelot. Not really. I am ascending slowly. Take care, my friends.
Cat. Take care, my dear. Ah, what a commotion, and so much worry. Really, being desperate is
much more satisfying. You just sleep away and you aren’t waiting for anything to happen. Don’t
you agree, dear mule?
Mule wiggles his ears.
Well, I can’t talk with my ears. Let’s use words, shall we? I know we’re not too familiar with each
other, but we are going to be working together, so we might as well have a little friendly meow.
It’s torture to just wait in silence. So, how about a meow?
Mule. I do not meow.
Cat. OK, OK, let’s just talk. The dragon thinks Lancelot is waiting for him here, and he is long
gone. That's a hoot, isn’t it?
Mule. They’ll beat me up again. As soon as I laugh, they always say: that damn mule is screeching
again. And they beat me up.
Mule. What?
Cat. How can you eat thistle?
Mule. Why?
Cat. Of course, you sometimes find something edible in the grass. But thistle… It is so… dry!
Cat. Milk?
Mule. That I had when I was little.
Pause.
Lancelot!
Mule. Peek-a-boo. (Breaks out in a bout of mule laughter). Hee-aah! Hee-aah! Hee-aah!
The doors of the palace swing open. Amid the fire and smoke we can see now three giant heads,
now enormous paws, now flaming eyes.
Dragon. Lancelot! Come admire me before the fight. Where are you?
Heinrich runs out into the square. Scurries around, looking for Lancelot, peeks into the well.
Where the hell is he?
They run off. The square fills with townspeople. They are extraordinarily quiet. Everybody is
whispering, glancing at the sky.
Gardener. I've just got my roses to bloom today - tea roses, bread roses and wine roses. You can
be sated and drunk just by looking at them. Sir dragon was going to come by to have a look and
give me a grant for further research. But now there's this war. This terrible mess can destroy the
fruit of labor of many years.
Peddler. (in an animated whisper). Who would like some blackened glass? For a small fee,
everybody can see sir dragon burned as a piece of toast.
Everybody. Shhh!
1st townsman. The tail is tucked in according to carefully developed strategy, young man.
1st townswoman. Just think about this! This war is already six minutes long, and there still is no
end in sight. Everybody is so worried, so worried. Vendors at the market have already tripled the
price of milk.
2nd townswoman. Forget about the vendors! On our way here we saw a display that would really
send chills down your spine. Sugar and butter, both pale as a ghost, were rushing from the stores
back to the warehouse. That's nervous groceries for you! Making themselves scarce as soon as
they hear the sound of battle.
Silence.
Don't you recognize me?
1st townsman. Of course not. You have become absolutely unrecognizable since last night.
Charlemagne. Why?
Gardener. Nasty people. Harboring strangers. Ruining dragon's good mood. This is worse than…
not keeping off the grass! And now look at him! He is asking us "why"!
2nd Townsman. I personally stopped recognizing you as soon as your house was surrounded by
guards.
Charlemagne. Yes, isn't that awful? Those stupid guards wouldn't even let me to my own daughter.
They say dragon doesn't allow anyone near Elsa.
1st Townsman. Nothing wrong with that. I can sympathize with their point of view.
Charlemagne. Elsa is there all alone. Even though she would wave at me cheerfully in the window,
I still think she only did that to calm me down. I just can't find a place for myself!
2nd Townsman. Can't find a place? Have you been relieved of your archivist position, then?
Charlemagne. No.
1st Townsman. No. Ever since you made friends with that outsider, we speak different languages.
Battle noises, sounds of sword striking.
Boy. (pointing at the sky) Mommy, mommy! He just flipped upside down! Somebody is beating
him so that sparks are flying!
Everybody. Shhh!
Trumpets. Enter Heinrich and Burgomaster.
Burgomaster. Listen here. In order to avoid an eye disease epidemic, and strictly because of that,
it is hereby forbidden to look at the sky. You will learn of everything that is happening up there
from communiqués that sir dragon's personal secretary is going to be issuing from time to time as
needed.
1st Townsman. Right move.
Everybody. Shhh!
Elsa's 1st girlfriend. This war has been going on for 10 whole minutes! Why wouldn't this Lancelot
just surrender?
Elsa's 2nd girlfriend. He knows full well it is impossible to defeat the dragon.
Elsa's 3rd girlfriend. He is just torturing us on purpose.
Elsa's 1st girlfriend. I left my gloves at Elsa's place. But I don't even care anymore. I am so tired
of this war; I don't care about anything.
Elsa's 2nd girlfriend. Me too. I have become completely insensible. Elsa promised to give me her
new shoes as a present, but I don't even remember that.
Elsa's 3rd girlfriend. Just think about it! If not for that stranger, Dragon would have already taken
Elsa to his cave. We could have been sitting comfortably at home crying right now.
Peddler. (whispering smartly) Can I interest you in a fascinating scientific instrument, a so called
mirror? You look down, but you see the sky. For a small fee, the dragon is at your feet.
2nd Townsman. My eyes, I don't believe my own eyes! Is there an optometrist in the house?
1st Townsman. It is going to fall right here. I can't stand it! Get away! Let me see it!..
Heinrich. This is the communiqué from the town council. Lancelot is now powerless, he had lost
everything and had been partially taken prisoner.
Boy. Yeah.
1st Townsman. See, and you're still alive.
Boy. But I never lost a head.
1st Townsman. Same thing!
Heinrich. Review of the current events. The topic today: why two is in fact better than three. Two
heads are attached to two necks. That gives us four, right? And attached they are unimpeachably…
Dragon's second head comes crashing down onto the square.
We interrupt this review due to technical difficulties. Here is a communiqué. The military
campaign is proceeding according to the plans developed by sir dragon.
Charlemagne. No, but I am confused. At first you wouldn't recognize me quite sincerely. I know
you. And now you are happy to see me just as sincerely.
Gardener. There, there, Mr. Charlemagne. Don't let yourself be concerned with this. It is too
horrible. It is just horrible how much time I've wasted running around kissing the paw of this one-
headed monster. I could have grown so many flowers instead!
Heinrich. We now return to our review.
Dragon's third head comes crashing down onto the square. The stage erupts in shouts. Now
everybody is speaking very loudly.
1st Townsman. Down with dragon!
Peddler. How about this toy? Sir Potatohead! Take a swing - and he's out cold!
Gardener. That is so funny! What? Dragon as a root vegetable? Sitting in the ground! In the garden!
All the time! No way out! Yay!
Everybody. Yay! Down with him! Sir Potatohead! Stick it to them!
Burgomaster. We would handle him easily. He is exhausted, trust me. If anything, our dearly
departed was good at fighting. Let's go. We have to issue the first orders. The most important thing
is to behave as if nothing happened.
Dragon's 1st head. Boy! Burgomaster!
Dragon's 1st head. Why, why did I strike him with the rear left paw? It had to be rear right.
Dragon's 2nd head. Hey, anybody! You, Miller! You would kiss my tail every time we met. Hey,
Friedrichsen! You presented me with a three-stemmed pipe, engraved "Yours forever". Anna-
Maria-Frederica Weber, where are you now? You told me you were in love with me, and you were
carrying pieces of my talon in a velvet locket around your neck. We learned to understand each
other from ancient times. Where have all of you gone? Give me some water. The well is right here,
isn't it? One sip! Half a sip! Just to wet my lips!
Dragon's 1st head. Let me start this all over! I'm going to squash the lot!
Dragon's 2nd head. Quiet! I can feel someone alive is near. Come here! Bring me some water.
Voice of Lancelot. I can't.
Lancelot appears on the square. He is standing upon the flying carpet, leaning onto a twisted sword.
He is holding the invisibility hat in his hands. The musical instrument is at his feet.
Dragon's 1st head. You won by accident! If only I had struck with my rear right…
Dragon's 2nd head. Farewell, then.
Dragon's 3rd head. I am content in that I am leaving to you hollow souls, worn out souls, dead
souls… Farewell, then.
Dragon's 2nd hand. There is only one man standing beside me, the one who killed me. So this is
how the life ends!
All three heads. The life ends. Farewell!
Lancelot. They are dead now, but I don't feel too good myself. My hands feel like someone else's.
The vision is blurry. And I keep hearing someone calling me by name: "Lancelot, Lancelot". A
familiar voice. A depressing voice. I don't want to answer it. But it looks like I'll have to this time.
What do you think - am I dying?
Musical instrument responds.
To listen to you, it all sounds so noble and dignified. But I feel very ill. I am mortally wounded.
But wait, wait just a minute… The dragon is dead, so I can breathe easier. Elsa! I have defeated
him! But it's true that I will never see you again, Elsa. You won't smile at me, or kiss me, or ask
me: "Lancelot, what's wrong? Why are you so sad? Why does your head hurt so much? Why do
your shoulders ache? Who is it calling you constantly - Lancelot, Lancelot?" This is death calling
me, Elsa. I am dying. This is sad, isn't it? This is not fair. They all hid away. As if the victory is
some kind of misfortune. Listen, death, hold on a moment! You know me, don't you? I looked into
your eyes many times and I never ran away. I am not running this time, either. I can hear you. Just
let me think a little. So they all hid away. All right. But in their houses, they are slowly, very slowly
recovering now. Their souls are straightening out. Why, they are whispering, why were we
providing and tending to that monster? It is because of us that a man is dying right now in the
square all alone. We are going to be brighter from now on, we are. See what fight has broken out
in the sky because of us. See how difficult it is to breathe for poor Lancelot. No, that's enough,
quite enough! The kindest, the strongest, the most impatient people were perishing - because of
our weakness. Even rocks would smarten up. And we're people after all, not rocks. This is what
they are whispering now in every house, in every room. Do you hear?
Musical instrument responds.
Yes, yes, exactly. And this means I am not dying in vain. Farewell, Elsa. I knew I would love you
for the rest of my life… I just did not want to believe that life was going to be over so soon.
Farewell, the town; farewell, morning, afternoon. It is night already. Hey, you! The death is calling
for me, hurrying me… I can't collect my thoughts… Listen, you! Don't be afraid. It is possible not
to hurt widows and orphans. It is also possible to feel for others. Don't be afraid! Just feel for each
other. Feel for others - and you will be happy! And this is the honest truth, pure truth, the purest
truth in the world. That's all. I have to go. Farewell.
Musical instrument responds.
Curtain.
Act 3.
An opulently furnished room in Burgomaster's palace. In the back, tables on both sides of the door
are set for dinner. In the center in front of them there is a small table on which a heavy book with
golden bindings lies. The orchestra is playing as the curtain is raised. A group of townspeople is
shouting while looking at the door.
Townspeople. (softly) And one, two, three. (loudly) Glory to the conqueror of dragon! (softly)
And one, two, three. (loudly) Glory to our ruler! (softly) And one, two, three. (loudly) It is mind-
boggling how happy we are! (softly) And one, two, three. (loudly) We hear his steps approaching!
Enter Heinrich.
Heinrich. You got it! I wholeheartedly approve of this version. You all know the kind of person
the conqueror of the dragon is. He's a simple man, bordering on naivete. He likes sincerity,
intimacy. Continue.
1st Townsman. We just don't know where to put ourselves from happiness.
Heinrich. Excellent! Hold on. We have to stick something here… something, you know… humane.
Virtuous. The conqueror of the dragon likes that. (flicking his fingers) Wait, wait a moment! It's
coming to me! There! Found it! Even little birdies are twittering with delight! Evil is gone - good
is here! Chirp, chirp, hooray! Let's go over that one more time.
1st Townsman. Even little birdies are twittering with delight. Evil is gone - good is here, chirp,
chirp, hooray!
Heinrich. That was some dismal piece of chirping, my man. You just see that you don't get chirped
yourself for that.
1st Townsman. (joyfully) Chirp, chirp, hooray!
Heinrich. That's better. All right, then. Have we been over other parts yet?
Townspeople. Aye, Mr. Burgomaster, sir.
Heinrich. OK. Soon the conqueror of the dragon, the president of the free city is going to come out
to you. Remember - you have to talk in unison but at the same time sincerely, compassionately,
democratically. The dragon was stuck on formalities, whereas we…
Sentry. (from the center door) Atten-tion! Eyes to the door! His excellency sir president of the free
city is walking down the corridor! (in a low wooden voice) You sweet thing! You guardian angel,
you! Killed the dragon! Who woulda thunk it!
Enter Burgomaster.
Heinrich. Your excellency sir president of the free city! No accidents reported during my watch,
sir! Present: ten townsmen. Wildly happy: all of them. Taken to the precinct…
Burgomaster. As you were, as you were. Good afternoon, Mr. Burgomaster. (shakes Heinrich's
hand) O! What's this, Burgomaster?
Heinrich. Your compatriots remember that exactly one year ago today you have defeated the
dragon. Just arrived here to congratulate you.
Burgomaster. You don't say! What a pleasant surprise! All right, let it rip.
Townspeople. (softly) And one, two, three. (loudly) Glory to the conqueror of dragon! (softly)
And one, two, three. (loudly) Glory to our ruler…
Enter Warden.
Burgomaster. My point exactly. The slavery is but a myth, and we have been reborn. Remember
how I was under the damned dragon? I was sick. I was crazy. And now look at me - fit as a fiddle!
To say nothing about you all. You are always jolly and happy, my little birdies. Just flutter along.
On the double! Heinrich, see them off!
Warden. Suffering.
Burgomaster. Ha-ha! You're just saying that.
Warden. Crying.
Burgomaster. Stop it!
Warden. They just sit and gawk at them. And that musician keeps on singing, spreading gloom
around. I have to put on ear plugs every time I need to go there.
Burgomaster. Are you kidding? Of course we do. What else do they write?
Warden. Embarrassing to say. The president is scum. His son is a crook. The president… (giggles)
Can't really repeat the expression, sir. But mostly they write the "L".
Burgomaster. Morons. What do they want with that Lancelot anyway? Any news about him, while
we’re on the subject?
Warden. Not a word.
Warden. They say they didn't see Lancelot. Only the parrot agrees. You're like: "Have you seen
him?" And he's like: "Seen him". You're like: "You saw Lancelot?" And he's like: "Saw Lancelot."
Well, you know what kind of bird the parrot is.
Burgomaster. What about the snakes?
Warden. Those would have slithered in themselves if they smelled anything. They're on our side.
And relatives to the deceased to boot. But they don't.
Heinrich. The father of the happy bride, Mr. Archivist Charlemagne, has arrived.
Burgomaster. A-ha! Just the man I wanted. Show him in.
Enter Charlemagne.
You may go, warden. Carry on. I am satisfied with your performance.
Exit Warden.
So, Charlemagne, you already figured out, of course, why you have been brought here? All kinds
of state business, personal worries, this and that had prevented me from dropping by in person.
But you and Elsa must have noticed from the posters all over the town that today is the day of her
wedding.
Charlemagne. Yes, sir president, we know.
Burgomaster. We high-ranking officials don't have time for popping the question with all those
flowers, sighs and stuff. We do not offer; we just order - nothing wrong with that. Ha-ha! Very
convenient. Elsa's happy, right?
Charlemagne. No.
Burgomaster. Nonsense. Of course she is. And you?
Charlemagne. No.
Heinrich. He just doesn't want to.
Burgomaster. Quit stalling, we don't have time. Public housing, the apartment is next to the park,
near the market, hundred and fifty three bedrooms, all windows look to the south. A fantastic
salary. In addition, every time you go to work, you get relocation expenses, and when you go
home, you receive a paid leave. Go to a party - we pay you daily allowance; stay home - there's
rent compensation. You will be almost as wealthy as I am. Done. You agreed.
Charlemagne. No.
Charlemagne. Why are you tormenting us? I have learned to think independently, sir president.
This is torture in itself. And now there's this wedding. You can just lose you mind.
Burgomaster. No, you can't, you can't. All those psychiatric illnesses are really overblown.
Poppycock.
Charlemagne. Oh dear! How powerless we all are! That our town is just as quiet and obedient as
before - it is so frightening!
Burgomaster. What the hell are you talking about? Why is it frightening? What are you trying to
pull here with your daughter - a mutiny?
Charlemagne. No. We had a walk in the woods today, and we discussed everything so nicely, so
precisely. Tomorrow, as soon as she's gone, I’ll die too.
Burgomaster. Of course. It is going to be a nice, merry party. Any other man would be glad to
marry his daughter off into such wealth.
Heinrich. He is glad.
Charlemagne. No. I am an elderly, polite man, it is hard for me to just say this to your face. But I
will anyway. This wedding is a tragedy for us.
Heinrich. What a tiresome mode of bargaining.
Burgomaster. Listen, you! You are not getting more. You are obviously after a share in our
enterprise, aren't you? Well, you can't have it! Everything that dragon was brazenly appropriating
is now in the best possible hands. That is, mine. And partially Heinrich's. This is absolutely legit.
You won't get a penny of it!
Burgomaster. They wrote those, and other letters on the walls under the dragon, too. Let them
write. This seems to calm them down, and it does not exactly break our bones. Can you look if this
chair is occupied?
Heinrich. Daddy, please! (Feels the chair over with his hands.) There's no one there. Have a seat.
Burgomaster. Don't smile. He can sneak anywhere in that invisibility hat of his.
Heinrich. You don't know this man, daddy. He is filled with prejudices up to his ears. Just out of
chivalrous gallantry, he is going to take off his hat before entering - and the guards will be all over
him.
Burgomaster. His disposition might have soured in the past year. (Sits down.) Well, sonny boy,
my little muffin, let's talk about our little business. You owe me money, my precious!
Heinrich. How do you figure, daddy?
Burgomaster. You have bought off three of my servants so that they would spy after me, read my
papers and so on. Correct?
Heinrich. Not really, dad. I've learned about that and added another six hundred.
Burgomaster. And after I figured that out, I added a thousand! And please don't give them any
more, dear. With those wages they grew fat, sloppy and lecherous. Next thing you know, they're
going to bite the hands that feed them. Right. Also, we need to straighten out my personal secretary.
I had to ship him off to the psychiatric ward.
Heinrich. You don't say! Why?
Burgomaster. We would bid and outbid each other on him so many times each day that he can no
longer remember who his boss is. Now he snitches on me to myself. Plotting against himself to
grab his own position. He's a decent, hard-working guy; it pains me to watch him suffer like that.
Let's both of us visit him tomorrow at the clinic and establish once and for all who he is working
for. My little sonny boy! My sweetie! We want to get into our daddy's chair, aren't we?
Burgomaster. Elsa! She's been so quiet lately. Could she know where that… (looks around)
Lancelot might be? Find it out carefully. And I am going to listen from behind this curtain.
Elsa, I am glad president is putting on his ceremonial jewelry. I have long wanted to talk to you
one on one, like friends, with an open heart. Why are you so silent? You don't want to answer? I
am attached to you after a fashion, you know. Talk to me.
Elsa. About what?
Heinrich. How can this be? Today is your wedding, after all… Ah, Elsa… Once more I have to
concede you. But the conqueror of the dragon is the conqueror. I am a cynic, a mockingbird, but
even I bow before him. Are you listening?
Elsa. No.
Heinrich. Elsa… Have I become a total stranger to you? We were such good friends when we were
kids. Remember when you had measles and I would hang out outside your window until I went
down with it too? And then you would visit me and cry because you felt sorry for me being so
quiet and meek? Remember?
Elsa. Yes.
Heinrich. Are those children dead now? Isn't there anything left of them in you and me? Let's talk
like the old times, like brother and sister.
Heinrich. Of whom?
Elsa. Of people.
Heinrich. Is that all? Just name the specific people you are afraid of. We will throw them in jail,
and you will feel all better.
Elsa. You see… I don't know how to explain this to you… I am afraid of all people.
Heinrich. Ah, so that's what it is… I understand. I understand only too well. Everybody, myself
included, seem cruel to you. Right? You may not believe this, but… I am afraid of them too. I am
afraid of my father.
Elsa. What more can I tell you… At first I was angry, then despondent, and they I just stopped
caring about everything. I am so passive now, like I've never been before. They can do whatever
they want with me.
Burgomaster giggles loudly; then, alarmed, hides deeper behind the curtain. Elsa looks around.
What was that?
Heinrich. Never mind that. They are preparing for the feast there. My poor, my dear little sister.
Such a pity that Lancelot is gone, disappeared. Only now I am beginning to understand him. That
was an extraordinary man. We all are beholden to him. Isn't there any hope he will be back, any at
all?
Elsa. It is very nice of you to say that, but… Are you sure no one can hear us?
Burgomaster dives down behind the chair's back.
Heinrich. Of course they can’t, my dear. Today is public holiday. All spies have the day off.
Elsa. You see… I know what happened to Lancelot.
Elsa. I have been silent for so long that now I simply have to tell you everything. I thought that
nobody but me would understand how sad it is, such is the town I have been born in. But you have
been listening to me so carefully today… So… Exactly one year ago, when the battle was over,
Cat ran to the town square. And this is what he saw: Lancelot, white as a ghost, was standing
beside the dragon's heads. He was leaning on his sword and smiling so as not to worry the Cat. Cat
ran off to me, to call for my help. But guards were watching me so vigilantly, not even a mouse
could sneak in. They chased the Cat away.
Heinrich. Rude, inconsiderate soldiers!
Elsa. Then he called his friend the Mule. After settling the wounded on Mule's back, he led them
through back streets and out of our town.
Elsa. Yes, but weaker and weaker. And then the Cat cried out: "Halt!". And the Mule stopped. It
was already late night. They have ventured far up the mountain, high up, and everything was so
quiet around them, so cold. "Turn back towards home!", the Cat said. "People cannot hurt him
anymore now. We have to let Elsa say goodbye to him, and then we will bury him."
Heinrich. Of course.
Elsa. And you knew all along?
Heinrich. Don't pretend to be this naïve little girl, Elsa. You are getting married today, after all.
Elsa. Daddy! Daddy!
Burgomaster. (running up to the window) How lovely! How cozy! The guests have arrived for the
wedding. Horses festooned with ribbons! Little lanterns on the yokes! How beautiful it is to live
and know that no idiot is going to spoil it for you! Give us a smile, Elsa. At the appropriate moment,
right on the clock, the president of the free city himself is going to lock you in his embrace.
Everyone. Shhh!
Gardener. Please let me present you with these bluebells. They chime a little sadly, I admit, but
that's OK. By morning they are going to wilt and quiet down.
Elsa's 1st girlfriend. Elsa, darling, please try and look happy. Otherwise I am going to cry and ruin
my lashes. They came out so nicely today.
Elsa's 2nd girlfriend. He is better than the dragon, isn't he? He has arms and legs, and no scales.
He is human after all, even though he's the president. You must tell us everything tomorrow. It is
going to be ever so exciting!
Elsa's 3rd girlfriend. You will be able to do so much good for the people now! See, for example
you can ask your groom to have my daddy's boss fired. Then daddy will take over his position,
double the salary, and we will be so very happy!
Burgomaster. (counting guests under his breath) One, two, three, four… (counting place settings)
One, two, three… Right… Looks like one extra guest… Oh, it's the boy. There, there, don't cry.
You'll share the plate with your mom. Everyone's here. To the table, ladies and gentlemen. We'll
get over with the marriage ceremony quickly and modestly, and then we will commence the
wedding feast. I have procured fish bred especially for being eaten. It laughs with delight when
boiled, and itself alerts the chef when it's done. Here's turkey stuffed with her own chicks. So cozy,
so home-style. Here are suckling pigs, not only raised but also trained specifically for our table.
They can sit up, beg and give you their trotters even though they're roasted. Don't scream, little
boy, it's not scary, it's comical. Here are wines so old they went a bit batty and are jumping around
like little children inside their bottles. And this is brandy so clear that the flask looks empty. Wait
a minute, it is empty. Those shyster servants must have cleared it. But that's OK, we have many
more flasks in the cellar. What a delight it is to be wealthy, gentlemen! Everybody seated? Great.
Hold on, hold on, don't start eating yet, we're going to be wed presently. Just one moment! Elsa!
Give me your paw!
Elsa gives Burgomaster her hand
You sweet little thing, you. Such a warm paw. Chin up! Give us a smile. Is everything ready,
Heinrich?
Heinrich. I am a poor public speaker, gentlemen, so I apologize in advance if this sounds a bit
muddled to you. One year ago a self-important interloper challenged the despicable dragon to a
fight. A blue-ribbon commission set up by the town council have managed to establish the
following: the deceased braggart only infuriated the deceased monster by inflicting a superficial
wound. It was then that our former burgomaster, now president of the free city, flung himself onto
the dragon and killed him, this time conclusively, while demonstrating assorted feats of courage.
Applause.
The noxious weed of vile slavery was excised exhaustively from the soil of our collective civic
consciousness.
Applause.
The grateful city had therefore established: if we were ready to give up our best daughters to the
abominable monster, how can we deny the same simple and natural right to our esteemed
redeemer!
Applause.
Hence, to signify the magnificence of the president on one hand, and loyalty and allegiance of the
town, on the other hand, I as burgomaster shall now perform the marriage rites. Organist! The
wedding march!
Organ plays.
Scribes! Open the Book of Happiness!
Groom, answer me in good conscience. Do you agree take this girl to be your wedded wife?
Burgomaster. For the benefit of my town I am willing to do anything.
Applause.
Heinrich. Scribes, write that down! Careful, you! Any blots you are going to be wiping with your
tongues! Right. Well, that's that. Oh, pardon me! One empty formality left. Bride! You do, of
course, agree to take the president of the free city to be your husband.
Pause.
Scribes recoil.
Heinrich. Elsa, please do not hinder the proceedings.
Burgomaster. But she is not hindering at all, my dear. When a girl says "no", it always means
"yes". Scribes, write!
Elsa. No! I will tear this page out and stomp it into the ground!
Burgomaster. Beautiful maiden indecision, tears, fears, this and that. Every girl cries in her own
way before the wedding, but usually is quite satisfied afterwards. We are going to gently hold her
hands now and do what we need to do. Scribes…
Elsa. At least allow me my last word! Please!
Heinrich. Elsa!
Burgomaster. Don't get excited, sonny. Everything is in perfect order. The bride is asking to speak.
Let's have her speak, and we'll wrap up the official segment at that. That's all right, let her, we're
all sensible people here.
Elsa. Friends, my dear friends! Why are you killing me? This is like a nightmare. When a villain
is holding his knife to your throat, you still can escape. Somebody could kill him, or you'd be able
to break free… What if the villain’s knife suddenly lunges at you by itself? And his rope slithers
towards you like a snake to tie you up? If even the drapes on his window, quiet little drapes jump
at you as well, to muffle your screams? What would you say then? I thought you were only
instruments to the dragon, like the knife is to the villain. But you, my friends, you turned out to be
villains in your own right! I am not accusing you, you may not recognize it yourself, but I am
begging you - come to your senses! Could it be that the dragon hasn't died but turned into a human
instead, as he often did? But this time he turned into many people at once, and now they are killing
me. Don't kill me! Oh my god, what agony… Break free of the web you all got tangled in. Would
no one stand up for me?
Burgomaster. Be quiet, pumpkin. Let's be merry as if nothing had happened. Enough of this
bureaucracy, Heinrich. Just write somewhere "The marriage is hereby declared to be valid", and
let's eat. I'm starving.
Heinrich. Scribes, write: "The marriage is declared valid". On the double! What's the matter?
Scribes take to their pens. There is a loud knocking at the door. Scribes recoil again.
Burgomaster. Who's there?
Silence.
Hey, you! Whoever you are - tomorrow, tomorrow, during the business hours, register with my
secretary. I don't have time! I am getting married here!
Knocking again.
Burgomaster. Lancelot. He's got his invisibility hat on. He is standing nearby. He is listening to
everything we say. And his sword is hanging over my head.
Heinrich. My beloved father! If you don't come to, this instant, I am assuming the authority myself.
Burgomaster. Music! Let the music play! Dear guests! Please accept our apologies for this
inadvertent delay, but it's just that I am afraid of drafts. A draft has opened the door, that's all. Elsa,
please calm down, honey! I pronounce the marriage ceremony completed subject to subsequent
confirmation. What's that? Who goes there?
Burgomaster. Why?
Servant. He's going to kill me for my treachery!
Burgomaster. Heinrich!
Heinrich. Keep a straight face. No matter what. Only this can save us now.
3rd Servant. I will prove it to you! My wife can confirm! I have always condemned their actions!
I only took their money due to altered mental state! I'll bring an affidavit!
Burgomaster. Look!
Heinrich. Straight face! For heaven's sake, straight face!
Enter Lancelot.
Burgomaster. Ah, hello, that's an unexpected visit. But welcome nonetheless. We don't have
enough places set at the table… but no matter. You can eat from the soup plate, and I'll take the
smaller one. I would order another setting, but the servants had run off, silly things. We're just
having a little wedding here, you see, tee-hee, little family business, as they say, personal stuff…
Allow me to introduce… Where are the guests? Oh, I guess they all dropped something and are
looking for it under that table. This is my son, Heinrich. I gather you've met before. So young, and
already the burgomaster. His career really took off since I… since we… since the dragon was
defeated. What's the matter? Please come in.
Heinrich. Why are you so silent?
Burgomaster. Why are you indeed? How was your trip? What's news? Would you like to freshen
up? The guards can escort you.
Lancelot. Good evening, Elsa!
Elsa. Lancelot! (runs to him). Sit, please sit down. Come in. Is this really you?
Lancelot. Yes, Elsa.
Elsa. Your hands are warm. And your hair grew a little longer since we last saw each other. Or
does it only look that way? And your cloak is still the same. Lancelot! (makes him sit at the little
table in the middle). Have some wine. No, no, don't take anything from them. You just rest a while,
and we'll go. Daddy! He has come, daddy! Just like that night! Just when we thought again that
there was only one thing left to do - die quietly. Lancelot!
Lancelot. Do you still love me, then?
Elsa. Did you hear, daddy? We have dreamt about this so many times, that he would come in and
ask me: do you still love me? And I would answer: yes, Lancelot! And then I'd ask: Where have
you been for so long?
Lancelot. Far, far away, in the Black mountains.
Burgomaster. Who? Impossible! Why didn't you report it to us? We would have taken measures!
Lancelot. I know everything, Elsa.
Elsa. How?
Lancelot. In the Black mountains, not far from the woodsman's shack, there is an enormous cave.
There’s a book lying in this cave, the Book of Sorrows, filled almost to the end. Nobody touches
it, but page after page gets added to the ones written before, added every day. Who writes them,
you ask? The world! Written, written are all the crimes, all the suffering of innocents.
Burgomaster and Heinrich are heading towards the door on their tiptoes.
Elsa. And you've read about us there?
Lancelot. Because I am not the man I was a year ago. I have freed you, and what have you done
with your freedom?
Burgomaster. Oh, for Pete’s sake! If you are so dissatisfied with my performance, I will be happy
to resign.
Heinrich. Wait a minute! If you give it impartial consideration, I personally cannot be held
responsible. I was just brought up this way.
Lancelot. Everybody was. But you had to be first in class, you bastard.
Heinrich. We should leave, daddy. He is using bad words.
Lancelot. You are not going anywhere. It’s been a month since I’ve returned, Elsa.
Elsa. And you didn’t even think of coming by!
Lancelot. I did, but in the invisibility hat, very early in the morning. I have kissed you very softly,
so as not to wake you up, and then I took to wandering around the town. It was horrible what I’ve
seen. Hard to read it in the book, but seeing it with my own eyes was so much harder. You, Mueller!
1st Townsman rises up from under the table.
I saw you crying tears of joy when you were shouting "Glory, glory to the conqueror of the
dragon!" at the Burgomaster.
1st Townsman. That is true. I did cry. But I wasn’t faking it, Mr. Lancelot.
Lancelot. You knew it was not him who killed the dragon.
1st Townsman. I sure did - when I was at home. But at the rally… (Throws up his hands)
Lancelot. Gardener!
Gardener rises up from under the table.
You were trying to teach snapdragon flowers to say "Hail to the chief!", weren’t you?
Gardener. I was.
And you have disappointed me as well. I thought you could take them on without me. Why did
you yield to them and go to prison?
Hatter. These dunces’ caps are for you. I was making beautiful hats, but that prison made me grow
resentful. Let’s go!
Luthier. In my cell I fashioned this violin out of bread, and made the strings for it out of cobwebs.
My violin plays softly and dejectedly, but this is your own fault. Let this music accompany you to
the place from where there’s no way back.
Heinrich. But this is ridiculous! This is not right! This can’t be happening! A stranger, a drifter, an
impractical person – how can he…
Lancelot. Elsa, I am not the man I was before. You can see that.
Elsa. Yes. But I love you even more for it.
Music plays.
Elsa, give me your hand. I love all of you, my friends. Otherwise why would I care to invest so
much in you? And if I love you, then everything will come out beautifully. And all of us, after all
the trials and tribulations, all of us are going to be happy, very happy at the end!
The end.