MARCH

JEM

50

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12 "AFRO-MOOD” Cuban Dancer 101 “CAUGHT IN BARBED WIRE”
13 "RHUMBA AMALIA" Cuban 102 Sheree North in "EXOTIC
23 "SILK STOCKING MODEL” DANCER"
30 Gwen Caldwell "GIRL WITH 103 “SCREEN TEST” of Vici Palmer
107 "THE TRESPASSER"
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46 "SEASHORE FROLICS"
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49 “BEAUTY PARADE" 125 “TEXAS LIL DARLIN”
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82 Kalantan in "BUDDHA DANCE”
168 Arlene “BURLESQUE DOLL
86 "GIRLS WRESTLING"
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180 Eve Meyer in "PLAYMATE" City Zone State
Jem The Magazine For
Masterful Men.

WHATS IN IT FOR YOU

Truth Is Stranger Than . .

Be A Playboy on $50.00 Per Week 7

Allen Camelli
Mankind Is Doomed 27
Josh Rubie
Women Overrate Sex 29
Clark Streate
Sweethearts For Rent - Cheap 30
Hugh Schmidt
How To Tell The Wills From The Wont's ... 37
R. Fred Arnold
Picking Up A Dame — Latest Style 45
Bentley Harrison

Fiction

Look At This, Private Harkoff! 15

R. B. Apoian
The Blonde In The Bedroom 25
Louis-Charles Royer
All Well Served 47
Roger Chambord

Mostly Pictorial
Hearth Warmer 8
An Ad Is Born 16
Heckling The Huckster 32
You Can't See The Tease For The Forest 38

Departments
From The Master’s Desk 5
The Trouble With Women Is 59
Quipping Post 74

Vol. 2 March No. 6

Joe W eider
publisher
Allen Camelli
alitor

Dennis Waldrop Joseph Jennel

art director man p pi hk editor
Stanley Paley
associate editor ’

j
"Jem" is published bi-monthly by "Body Beautiful
Publications iMaik^gign tify, N. J. All
scripts and art will corCTully be onsidered. and
must be submitted solely of owner' 1

scription rate $3.00 for 6 issues.

 " Honey, you want some pin’ good? You just sign
on the dotted line

and youll have little o I’ me between the covers — the covers of

JEM and MONSIEUR! and the price is low-w-w. .

.**

6 Issues
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JEM IT DOWN THEIR THROATS!

W HEN JEM's valiant editors embarked

on their vital new policy of Caveat
Feminae— ‘Let the Women Beware” (or is it
Dear Mr. Kyle: You darling man you,
life of my husband and me
you’ve set the sex
on an even keel—a thing that neither doctors,
Feminae emptore?)— they knew not what marriage counselors, or sexology manuals
monster they had loosed! At once the females could do in a dozen years. On the brink of
of the world united and, in effect, declared divorce— or, at least, a knock-down-drag-out
war on JEM. fight— my husband picked up a copy of JEM
They don’t have a chance. Even if we are last month. He didn’t lay it down again until
too weak to fight our own battles (hah! ) there he’d finished reading and when he did
it,

appears to be a “fifth column” on our side, there was a new Well, sir, up
fire in his eye.

a sizable section of the females’ ranks that, until that time I had to be the aggressive one
seeing the handwriting on the bedroom walls, when it came to after-TV activities, and / was
have cast their lot with us. Here is a typical getting mighty sick of this unnatural reversed-
letter: role proceeding. But, along came JEM, and—
Dear Editor: At last! Someone has found Now? Wow!
the guts to tell the American men off. I think Faithfully (from now on)
/speak for the majority of A merican women Joanne Denham
when I say it's about time ! We girls are tired Chicago, Illinois
of the wishy-washy sex attitudes of the men We could go on and on (and so, appar-
—we want to be possessed by them, not vice ently, could Joanne) but this sampling of the
versa. Men have made us dominant (those of flood of mail we have been happily reading
us who are) simply because they’re too weak, should serve to convince all “wishy-washy”
or too uneducated, to dominate us! Your males that their partners are lined with us
A ugust editorial should be framed and hung in the battle against masculine ineptness, in-
in the master bedroom of every American efficiency, indirectness and indolence. Not all
home. And then maybe it would be a master our female readers agree, let us add— at least,
bedroom! not out loud. Our staff psychologist tells us,

Thankfully, however, that every normal woman does!

Mrs. (Name Withheld on request) Which leaves this country in pretty sad shape
That was typical, yes— but it wasn’t the with about fifty million sub-normal women.

best letter we received. The best, unfortu- But don’t worry— we’ll get around to them!
nately, we can’t publish. But here’s another Or, at any rate, their husbands will, if they
gratifyingly good one: keep reading JEM!

5
 .

You don’t need a lot of dough —

you just need know-how,

an average paycheck —
and you can . .

BE A PLAYBOY ON *50.00 PER WEEK!

by ALLEN CAMELLI

W
guys like
HENEVER
playboy
Tommy
his
the average Joe thinks of a
mind conjures up images
Manville, Rafael Trujillo, Jr.,
of

Ali Khan, Rubirosa, etc. Guys who are loaded

with loot and quite willing to lavish a little of it

on a lass for a night of love.

The average guy associates playboys with
money. Lots of money. The kind of money that
can buy minks and diamonds and sports cars;
orchids and pheasant under glass and cham-
pagne.
He then thinks of the kind of dolls these guys
Worldly women like Ava Gardner, Rita
attract.

Hayworth, Elizabeth Taylor, Gina Lollopolluza.

And then, after thinking about it, and with his
mouth watering, he looks into his wallet, finds
enough for a belt of bourbon at the local bistro
and heads there hoping to find Ava Gardner
perched on the next bar stool.
Of course, the possibility is remote — but sup-
pose, just suppose, the adorable Ava did have
her delicious derrierre draped over the next
stool. And suppose (Continued on page 66)

7
HEART WARMER

This little lass

is not so dumb:
She’swarming up
forwhat's to come.
Her cheeks are flushed
— her face is red —
It's “Bottoms Up,”
— and then to bed!

(To show just how

she’s predisposed:
The Southern flank
is quite exposed!)
You wanna help
her to unlace?
— Go poking in
that fireplace?
Persuade her not
to act so coy:
It's fun to spread
a little joy!
 The bed — you’d never guess
it’s true —
Is sometimes used
for sleeping, too.
(Its other attributes,
we fear,
Can’t be delineated
here.)

10
 A Satirical Jem by R. B. AROIAN

N order to understand fully what happened

I to me you have to know why it happened.
Actually it all came out during the Congressional
investigation but never reached the newspapers
because the Secretary of the Army said, and I
quote, “Any S. O. B. who prints one single word
about this assified affair. I’ll personally castrate
him with a rusty spoon!”
T he most hilarious yam The reason 1 can tell it now is that my third
and last army hitch is about to end. By the time
about a G.I. trapped in a W AC this is printed I'll be a civilian.
( Continued on page 50)
s. barracks you've ever read.

And // could happen, too.

A PUBLIC SERVICE FEATURE OF JEM

Do you know how an advertisement is prepared? Most people do

not. When they see a pretty picture in the magazines, they have

no idea of what went into the preparation. They simply don’t

realize the amount of effort and hard work that goes into the job

of taking just one photo for one ad.

The editors of Jem decided to take its readers behind the scenes

of a typical photo studio. The following pages is the result.

16
Business is rather slow.
Model gets ready.
Show product in use.
Ideal for sports, such as tennis. .

Completely waterproof.

Relaxing.
 Perfect for the office. Beautifully gift-wrapped.

Pleased with the results.

The photos are printed and de-

veloped.

22
 STAY ON YOUR TOES WITH "TOOTSIES”

The final ad.

You’d give your kingdom for nails

adorned with “Tootsies.”

TOOTSIES
The polish with toe-appeal

23
THE I
WAS
a
on my way
pleasant
to Saint-Anton,
winter sports resort,
ally made connections
ionable local resort.
for Zurs, a fash-
Now the passen-

BLONDE when a
train
tall blonde
compartment
girl

at the
entered my
Swiss border.
gers, crowding the corridors before de-
barking, were told to return to their
Without even glancing at me, she be- seats. was impossible to
It get to Zurs

IN gan reading a magazine. Deciding that — nor could anyone leave there.

she was as cold as the snowy landscape The blonde girl who shared my
THE outside, I too began reading.
At our next stop the weather be-
compartment had already been about
to leave. Now she wrung her hands
came really bad. So did a number of and voiced her dismay at having to
BEDROOM other things. For at this stop, one usu- remain on ( Continued on page 57)

Who is the most popular French-

man in this country today? Is it
Royer? No —it’s Boyer! But the

ingenious Parisian writer and

hon vivant is fast climbing
in the hearts of Ameri-
cans. Here is the latest
rung on his ladder. C’est
bon, non?
 "JiyTANKIND is doomed! At least the
kind of man we think of today as
a man.
He is doomed by womankind! But
not the kind of woman we think of
today as a woman.
You have been hearing a lot, lately,
The above statement may sound
about woman’s inhumanity to man.
rather cryptic but, for a moment, let's
Well, here is the ultimate horror
analyze it. To begin with we think of
of it all, men — what we may expect man today as the master of his house-
if the status continues to quo.
hold; as the breadwinner; as the boss.
Sure, he himself makes jokes about
who wears the pants in the family but
in the back of everyman’s mind he
really thinks he is the boss. He really
thinks this is a man's world. He really
thinks it will remain a man’s world.
As far as he is concerned his is an in-
alienable and an inherent right to be
master.
He couldn't be more wrong!
Now let's look at what is con-

sidered to be the modern woman. She

is, for the most part, a housewife. She
tends to the home, cooks the meals
and looks after the children. If she
happens to work also she'll be quick
to tell you that her job is secondary;
that she only works to help out. Ask
her and she'll freely admit — no jokes
about it — that her husband is the
boss. Ask her and she'll tell you that
it is, truly a man’s world. Ask her and

without hesitation she'll tell you that it

will remain a man's world.

And she couldn't be more wrong!

But she knows it!
Man is wrong but at least he is

honest. Since the beginning of time

he has been the master. The role was
thrust upon him back in the stone age
when his brute strength was needed to
protect the household. He accepted
the responsibility then and did his job
well. But we are no longer living in
the stone age and his is not a divine
right. His right to be boss is not in-
herent. He must continue to fight for
his place in the sun or he will lose it.

And, the way things are going today,

it looks like his hour of defeat is not
too far off.

The woman too is wrong but she is

dishonest and the fact that she knows

it is half the battle. She knows that she
is no longer just a housewife. And
( Continued on page 60)
26
27
 A BEAUTIFUL young woman not
long ago shot her husband as he
lay sleeping beside her. He was not
only sleeping but dead, as it turned
out. because she had also thoughtfully
included a generous dose of arsenic
in his dinner menu that evening. But
Men know it’s a good she blew a couple of holes in him any-
way, to make sure, being of a practical

thing — and it’s no doubt nature.

When they got her to the witness
stand, and she was asked why she had
here to stay, but . . .
murdered her man, the gorgeous crea-
ture dabbed at her eyes with a Kleenex,
wiped away a tear or two. and mur-
mured: “Because I loved him.’’
Now. the sad part of this story lies

not in the death of the husband. For

all we know, he was a drunkard, wife-

“WOMEN OVERRATE SEX" and no good

beater. liar, thief, heel,
bum who only got what was coming to
him. No: the sad part is — that, by
her lights, and by the logic of every
other woman as well, the girl was only
by CLARK STREATE
acting like any female would have in
killing a man because she loved him.
That's part of the code: and the other
is that the male has
part of the code
cock-eyed female logic,
to accept this
even though he knows it to be as
screwy as a cork-puller.
(Continued on page 56).

28 29
JEM NON-F R ICTION

Xt was a certain bench on the south

end of Union Square and it was occu-
pied by an uncertain female who. even
if she put on the brakes, was about to

crash into that horrifying land of

limbo known as Middle Age. Judging
from the mascara and assorted paints
that mottled here face and hair — I

counted at least four colors, (includ-

ing green)— this gal had put on the
emergency brake.
I walked up to her. (coughed deli-
cately) and said. "Hello, there— I'm
Hugo Schmidt. As of right now. and
for the rest of the evening, at least.
(Continued on page 69)

“ Something for everybody!” That could be the

motto of the marriage brokers. If you're too old
or tired — to pick 'em up, or too shy to call a call
girl, or too cynical to trust the conventional

methods — this may be just what you need . . .

 BE A MARBORO GIRL!

FILTER! (the best)

FLAVOR! (and how)

FLIP-TOP BOX! (no comment)

Smoke the cigarette with the distinctive mark.
It’snot the tattoo but what’s behind it that counts.
Less tars and practically no feathers. It’s smooth.
MARBORO
FOR THE GIRL WITH CHEEK
32
 FOR MEN WHO DON’T CARE WHAT WOMEN THINK:

- A
This 1958 Lifebooy
sure smells good!

New Lifebooy is more effective than going without a

bath for a month.

Men Don’t be conformists. That’s the trouble with the

!
LIFEBOOY
american male . he’s timid, shy. Now, you can assert
. .

your individuality. New Lifebooy will make you stand

out from the crowd. If you want to stink — then stink!!
It’s your right. flew! Spicy!
 YOU SLEEP BETTEK Off A SIffffOMS MATTRESS

SO WHAT!!

That’s all he does, i’m getting a divorce.

Before we got our Sinnoms mattress, he was up
most of the night. Now he comes home, flops into
bed, and snores away until it’s time to go to work.
Sinnoms has ruined my happy home. I’m for the
old lumpy mattress.
SINNOMS
FOR LAZY LOUTS
34
 5 /nee Switched c^ufv/ l ipstick

MEN STARE AT ME!

Whenever I went to parties or went strolling clown

Fifth Avenue, I noticed that men kept staring at
me.

Ididn’t know what it was. Suddenly, I knew — it

was because I was wearing the new exciting shade,
“Desire,” by Cuty. Be popular, switch to Cuty . . .

and men will stare at you too.

keep abreast.of the times.

 t* V

.THE WILLS FROM THE WONTS

by R. FRED ARNOLD

IFE, as the midget once said,

L Much is short.
too short, in fact, to waste pre-
cious time in pure guesswork when it

comes to telling a Will from a Won’t.

You go to a dance. There are droves
of unattached females around. The prob-
lem before the house is — which one wants
to be picked up, which one doesn’t? If you
play it by ear, you may wind up with the
One of mans age-old problems is now girl with the prettiest ears in the joint, and

get nowhere. And you’ve wasted a com-

resolved by an admitted expert
plete evening — one of only 365 evenings
(he admits it) on what to do when in the year, and one of only roughly 3,650

in the ten-year span that marks any man’s

the chips are down and your steam is up.
prime.
Those are too valuable to just let go
down the drain. You are only young once,
to coin a bro- (Continued on page 62)
 YOU CAN'T SEE THE TEASE

FOR THE FOREST

Primmer-Donna,
you’re a tease,
Peek-a-booing
through those trees,

Charming, vernal,
undefiled —
Where’s the man
who drove you wild?
39
Don’t you think
this gal is rather
Good at working up
a lather?
When guys, worked up,
express their hope,
She calms ’em with
two words: “No soap!’’
But even so,
there ain’t no lack
Of volunteers
to scrub her back!
Till, at last, by fair or foul.
You’d throw in that gosh-darn towel!

43
 (Editor’s Note: Recently a New
Go into thisNew England bar for a England town decided to clump down
pick-me-up and you’ll come out with a on prostitution and vice. The editors
pick-up — if you say the right words. of JEM then sent one of their top re-

Here’s a new wrinkle on an old hat — porters to the scene to find out if the

if it fits , wear it.

PICKING UP efforts of the city fathers
ful. The following is
were success-
his daily report.)

A DAME Jan. 5th

Dear Chief,
Well, here am. Last time hit this
-LATEST STYLE
1 I

town was fifteen years' ago. Hasn’t

changed much. These large towns or
small cities don’t seem to look different
from year to year. New shop here and
By BENTLEY HARRISON there. Chrome front on the old hotel.
All in all, pretty much the same.
1 think you're a nervous old maid
for making me take all these silly pre-
cautions- a sample case full of col-
ored fabrics, a phony membership

*
•

card in a textile salesman's union, no

press card, and worst of all, no type-
writer. I'm going to hate writing in
longhand. Also, sending you a report
every day is just a lot of unnecessary
work. But, you’re the boss.
I think this assignment’s going to
be easier than you think. You can't
stamp out prostitution by passing a few
laws.
That's allfor now. I'm turning in
early. I'm pooped.
Jan. 6th
Dear Chief,
This assignment is not dangerous.
I still think it’s unnecessary for me to

(Continued on page 4H)

 LL WELL SERVED
A MEDIEVAL TALE

retold by ROGER CHAMBORD

A NOBLE KNIGHT —
ful, brave, and a
rich, power-
good fellow —
but the husband of the lady esteemed
her as much as his wife did. because
two or three times. She did not
This gave the Knight encouragement
to proceed to other liberties, which
object.

was in love with a fair lady. He was he found her good, trustworthy and
also secretly loved by her and when- diligent. also were not refused him.
ever he wished he went to a private It chanced one day that the lady The visit concluded, the maid re-
and remote part of her castle where knew her lover to be in the castle, but turned to her mistress and told her
she came to visit him, and there they could not go to him as soon as she that the Knight was anxiously await-
conversed at their leisure of their hoped because her husband detained ing her.

pleasant mutual love. her, at which she was much vexed. “Alas!" said the lady, "1 know full
Not a soul knew of their pastime, She sent the maid to the Knight to tell well he is waiting, but my husband
except a pretty maid who served the him that he must yet have patience and will not go to bed, and there are many
lady and who had kept her secret for that, assoon as she could rid herself people here whom cannot leave.
1

a long time. of her husband, she would come to Curse them! 1 would much rather be
Having served the dame so willingly him. with him. He is very lonesome up

in all her affairs, she was worthy of a The maid went to the young noble- there, is he not?”
great reward. Moreover she was such man and delivered the message. He, “Faith! I believe he is,” replied the

a good girl that not only had she being a courteous Knight, thanked her maid, “but he comforts himself as well
gained the affection of her mistress for much for her trouble and made her as he can with the hope of your com-
her services in this and other matters. sit by him. Then he tenderly kissed her ing.” (Continued on pane 65)

46
 Picking Up A Dame — Latest Style
(Continued from page 45)

go to such lengths to establish a "per- polishing a glass for almost a minute. got to be. You just can’t wipe out com-
sonality,” as you call it. This morning “You new in town, mister?” he mercial sex anymore than you can
1 hailed a cab and asked to be driven asked. wipe out a freckle. All you can do is
to a mill on the outskirts of town. On “In for a few days,” I answered. hide it, but it’s still there. I tried a few
the way, 1 acted like a typical sales- "Wool fabric's my line. Been doin’ more cabbies and drinking establish-
man. You know, small talk about good to.” ments. Nothing.
"how’s business,” etc. I asked the “Guess you hadn't heard?”
Incidentally, I saw greasy Joe again
cabby to wait for me, cooled my heels I played dumb.
today. I think he’s following me.
for a half hour in the men’s room, and He put the glass down and leaned Maybe he’s the contact. A pimp. I
came out wearing a pleased grin. On towards me. "There ain’t none,” he think I'm going to get it tomorrow.
the way back, casually remarked
1
said shaking his head. “All that’s been
Jan. 1 1th
about the juicy order I’d gotten, prom- put in camphor.” Cops locked them Dear Chief,
ising the cabby a fat tip. up or drove them out of town. There I had it. But not the way I wanted it.
“I feel like celebrating,” I said. We are no houses in this town. Only I missed yesterday’s glorious install-
rode on a bit. “Say,” I continued homes. It’s a shame,” he sighed. ment. I couldn’t write very well with
"where can a guy get some action in The place was filling up with the
my right hand. It was almost broken.
this town?” cocktail crowd. began to glow.
I I
It was this way:
"Cards, dice, or horses?” he asked. played with my next drink, stuffing Istarted the day fresh and early.
“Naw,” 1 answered, acting coy. myself with pretzels, peanuts and hors Something was in the air. I just knew
“You know what I mean . . . basic d’oeuvres. No good to get drunk. 1
I was going to hit pay dirt. As I stepped
entertainment." turned to a fellow on my right, extend- into the cab for my daily pilgrimage
“Whadya mean, pal?” ing my hand. "Harrison's the name.” to some god-forsaken men’s room, who
I

"Dames," I said. said. “Fabric's my game." should slip in beside me but — you
He froze. I prodded him. He “Williams," he volunteered as he guessed it— the “greasy one.” He mum-
stopped the .car, turned around, and pumped my hand. “Advertising. Been
bled an address to the cabby and we
glared. “Look, pal,” he said in a in town long?”
drove off. Silence prevailed for about
raspy voice, “this town’s shut tighter’n "Couple of days.” 5 minutes. waited for him to break
1
a undersized girdle. I don’t know nut- "Nice friendly place. You’ll like it the ice.
tin', pal— nut tin'." He started the car here. Born and raised here myself.” I
“I hear you’re interested in dames,”
and we drove back in cold silence. bought him a drink. He bought me he finally uttered, in a voice that
spent the rest of the day ambling
I
one. I glowed more, but fought to keep
matched his appearance.
around “being seen.” A few inquiries sober. “Not dames,” said. "Just one dame I
at the local pubs produced no results. leaned towards him. “How can a
I
would do. figger if I’m gonna be stuck
I
One thing I know you can’t get in town be friendly,” I asked, "when you in a town. 1 might just as well have
this town is a decent dry martini. can’tmake friends?” some man’s fun.”
Jan. 7th He took on a hurt expression and “It figures," he said nodding and
Dear Chief, started to answer. arching his eyebrows. “It figures. A
Today I had a plan. Bar hopping “No, not you,” interrupted. “I
I
man plays a man’s game. It figures.”
doesn’t establish you. The thing to mean other friends — like, er — girls.”
The cab pulled up in front of a large
do is spend the whole day in a plush “Oh, that.” got the same song and
I
weather-beaten Victorian mansion. We
saloon buying a few drinks, acting the dance from him. No dames. After a got out and he reached into his pocket
jolly fellow, and all that. You know, couple of more fruitless hours, gently
with one hand as he waved me away
I

build confidence. weaved towards the door. On the way with the other.
As I left the hotel, 1 noticed a squat, out, noticed that greasy gentleman
I
"My pleasure,” he said with awk-
greasy looking character leaning talking to one of the barflies I'd ap- ward politeness.
against the edge of the building. He proached. don't know how long he
1
The room was furnished infaded
buried his head in a newspaper as I was there. I didn’t see him come in. 1
splendor. Sunlight filtered through
passed him. I thought nothing of it. guess they let anybody in these bars.
spaces in the drawn drapes. There was
After a trip to another plant, a sojourn After a gallon of coffee, started
I
enough light for me to see that there
in a messy men’s room, and a profit- to write this report. Tomorrow I’ll try
was no one in the room. I expected
less cab ride back, put my plan into
I one of the crummier bars on the other
at any moment to see the scantily clad
action. end of town. body of a girl drift into the room.
The joint was on the gaudy side. A Jan. 8th What I did see was a great flash of
curved bar extended the length of the Dear Chief, light, then darkness, then a dull pain
place. Draped over it were a few early No dice here either. All I got was
drinkers. A muted juke box, on the
throbbing in back of my head.
looped.
bassy side, whispered out an occa- Jan. 9th
I opened my eyes and focused on
sional tune. After my third martini, 1 Dear Chief, the face of my
companion. He was
leaned towards the bartender and I didn't do so well today but 1 know standing about five feet away. I was
asked “my question.” He continued there’s an angle someplace. There’s sitting in a chair and was slowly but

48
 !

painfully made aware of the fact that

Jan. 12th She hastily scribbled a name and
my right hand was being pulled up be- Dear Chief, address on a piece of paper and hand-
hind the back of the chair, not unlike All can say is — a genius must have
I ed it to me.
a hammerlock. There were three other thought up this gimmick. It’s terrific! “Go over now,” she said. “I ll phone
men in the room. One was going Not only that it’s lef>al
. .At any
. her to expect you.”
through my sample case (its contents rate the cops can’t do a thing about it. As rose to leave, she added,
I

were strewn on the floor). Another Here’s what happened: “You'll like her, too. She’s lotsa fun.”
was carefully examining my wallet. I met my “pal” at the Flamingo. There it was!! The perfect setup.
The last was leaning against the wall, After a couple of drinks, he pointed And all perfectly legal. bought a 1

looking at the whole proceeding with out a bleached blond seated at a watch. If was fool enough to pay ten
1

nearby table. She was in her forties. or twenty bucks for a piece of junk,
boredom. wasn’t bored.
I

My friend smiled and said, “So you “Sit at her table,” he advised. “She'll that was my There was no
business.
you a watch buy it." misrepresentation and no coercion. If
like girls, eh? “That’s nice. We all do.
offer to sell . . .

Don't we boys?" He moved closer and Iwalked over, sat down and offered a young lady liked me well enough to

squinted, “C’mon. What’s the real rea- to buy her a drink. go to bed with me, that was her busi-
“Thanks, I'm notthirsty,” she said. ness. Since there was no money chang-
son you’re snoopin’ around. We know.
You might as well admit it. go
It’ll “I hear you're interested in buying a ing hands, it would be impossible to

easier with you.” watch," nodded. She took out a bat-

I prove prostitution. It was the sweetest
“What the hell are you talking tered wrist watch which obviously device I'd ever seen.
about,” I said, in a tone dripping with hadn't marked the passage of time in On the way out, old Greaseface
righteous indignation. “All know is I
years. nodded and smiled. smiled back. I

two things. That I’m trying to sell fab- “A beauty, ain’t it,” she glowed. “I Clutching my broken down watch, 1

ric .. . and that I’m getting out of this usually get twenty bucks for a watch hailed a cab.

lousy town as soon as 1 can.” like this. But considerin’ that I heard Chief, guess this 1 is all I'm sup-

"If you're gettin’ out.”

that you had a tough time buying one. posed to report. What happened after
The two finished their search. He I'll go for half
let it — ten." is my own business. After all, you just

walked to them and they spent two or I gave her $ 10 and put the watch in wanted the story of how it was done.
three minutes speaking in hushed my pocket. And delivered. By the way. you
I

tones. Occasionally looking toward “Now I’ll take that drink,” she said promised me a vacation after this
me. Finally the one who was obviously with a broad grin. assignment. You don't mind if spend I

the head man scratched his chin. He I ordered two drinks and
chatted we it in this town. 1 like the museums
motioned to the guy behind me and for a while. I was waiting for the next here. Just forward my mail to the

my arm was released. His voice was move. It came and it was a beauty. Savoy Hotel. See you in two weeks.
almost apologetic. “Say,” she blurted out suddenly,
“Sorry, bud,” he said. “I have a friend who would like you.”
“
You're sorry,” snapped back, I
She examined me carefully. “Yeah,
rubbing my arm. you're just her type.”
“We couldn't take any chances.” “I’d like to meet her.”

They explained that they thought 1

was a member of a rival gang. They

had a good thing going and did not
welcome any partners. For my part, I

was delighted. had an inside track

1

and was going to play it to the hilt. 1

set about gathering my stuff, mutter-

ing angrily about the lousy hospitality
in this town and vowed never to come
back again. What’s more, added, I I

was going to warn all my friends to

stay away too.
He continued up
to apologize, right
to and into the waiting cab. As we
drove downtown I further berated him.
If I was a spy, said contemptuously,
I

would go around seeking information

I

like a stupid amateur? He agreed, but

he couldn’t take any chances.
must have succeeded in making
I

him feel very guilty. Just as I was

about to get out in front of my hotel,
he pulled me back.
“I’ll make it up to you,” he whis-
pered. Then with a wink, “Meet me at
the Flamingo, Center and Broad. To-
morrow at 4."
49
 Look At This, Private Harkoff!
( Continued from page 15)

Anyway, here’s why: (I'll tell you todian of the W.A.C.’s machine. enveloped me.
w hat in a minute if you’ll just relax. Now, when anything like that hap- There was a WAC sitting at the first

Somewhere in the vastness of that pens, the machine is supposed to spit sergeant’s desk. A big husky WAC
state of mind-over-matter known as out the card with a loud, “Grulzz-/j/c!” with the body of a man, the breasts of
the Pentagon is a battery of I. B. M. and the geek in charge will get three a cow, the head of a bull and the uni-
calculators. These machines are so days K. P. form of the Woman’s Army Corps.
complicated that their 1. Q. is 76 even This time the machine must have It — I mean she — grabbed my orders,

when they’re turned off. This makes jumped a cog or something, because looked them over very carefully, un-
them practically human. Moronic, pos- it retained the card, digested the in- like the M. P. and myself. She glanced

sibly, but human. That’s why they formation on it, perforated — and
it up at me from time to time. Finally
sometimes make mistakes, since to err within one-tenth of a second I had be- she gazed at me through thick horn-
ishuman, not to say I.B.M. come a child of destiny. The following rimmed glasses as though 1 were some-
The function of these particular ma- constitutes the all-but-incredible con- thing stuck on a board in the museum.
chines is to determine where a given — sequences: “Private Harkoff, what are you
or taken — individual will fit in the I was sweating out my re-assign- doing out of uniform?”
Army scheme of things. During World ment at a desolate post in New Jersey I looked down at myself. I had my
War II they did it all by hand — no whose name I won’t mention, but it uniform on; not only that, it was
brains, just hands — and that’s why it rhymes with Nix. Most of the guys in brand new, neatly pressed and clean.
took so long for us to win. But when I my barracks had already left. It was “It's the one they gave me at the de-

returned home from Korea in 1952, sure lonely hanging around that big pot,” I murmured, clearing my throat

they used these cerebral machines. A post with nothing to do. I happen to a couple of times and wishing the first

corporal stands at one side of the ma- be a gregarious type; I like people. I sergeant would hurry back.
chine and slips cards — a card for prefer girl-type people, but men are She softened a little. “Hmm — I sup-
every man in the army — into a slot. okay when necessary. I can even stand pose they ran out of uniforms, what
The machine grabs the card, and goes my fellow soldiers at times. But to with the returnees. And you are
all

“Wwrzhzhzh-g/wnA7” and little spin- have nobody around—! fit.” She

pretty big, probably hard to
dles fit into a bunch of holes in the When my orders came through I grinnedand managed to look half
card. The pattern of the spindles when was so happy I didn’t even bother human. “Must’ve been quite an ex-
they perforate a piece of paper behind reading anything but my name and perience — riding across half the coun-
the card determines whether the in- destination. Fort Elmwood, Illinois! try dressed like a man, eh?”
dividual represented by the card is Illinois, the state of long-eared com, That bugged me for a second. I al-
going to go to the Army War College long-legged girls and long playing rec- most caught on then and there. And
or be on K.P. for the rest of his mili- ords. At least, that’s what my friends by now, of course, you have. But look
tary career. from Illinois told me — the girls there at it from my standpoint. For 21 years

Okay, so one day in 1952 some held the record for long playing. of my life — and that’s all of it — I had
geek was sorting out the cards marked, Three days later I arrived at Fort been accepted in society as a male
“Returnees to be re-assigned domestic Elmwood. The M.P. at the gate was member of the human race. Especially

duty." When he came to my card he as careless as I was. He glanced per- by the female members 1 happened to
glanced at it and tossed it to the geek functorily at my orders, jerked his come across. Never once had my claim
at the next desk. “This one’s for you, thumb at an orderly sitting on his Jeep to maleness been challenged, or even
Montmorency — it must’ve got mixed nearby, and 1 was driven to H. Q. I doubted. Especially since the age of
up in my pile, somehow.’’ admit the orderly looked at me kind fourteen. So what the hell—! I figured

“All right, Cuthbert, those things of funny when I lugged my barracks she was kidding.
sometimes happen,” said the second bag out and dumped it in front of the “Here's your barracks number,
geek. He fed the card into the machine building, but some people look at you dear. Go to Supply first and get the
before him. It went, “Wwrzhzhzh- funny just to hide their own annoy- proper uniform.”
glunk!" and when my card emerged ance at being orderlies. For the first time I realized that this

from the other end, I was in the Inside the H.Q. building I went up Amazon wore a first sergeant’s stripes.

W.A.C. That’s right, the Woman's to a desk that said “1st Sgt. A. Bum- In a growing daze, I left the building,

Army Corps. ham” on Looking around I noticed

it. first noticing that not one of these
It was quite simple, really. Like a lot of WACs in the room, more than WACs wore the Good Conduct rib-

Cuthbert. My name is Marion Hark- you usually find even in a wartime bon.
off, you see, and when the geek saw it, Stateside post. In fact they were all At the Quartermaster’s Supply it

he automatically jumped to conclusions WACs, and a pretty good crop, too. A finally hit me. A well-stacked Pfc be-

and handed it to Montmorency, cus- warm feeling of having come home hind the counter trotted out a pile of

50
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51
stuffand dumped it in front of me. It woman’s army! Well, fellow Americans, let me tell

was khaki, obviously G.I. Then came Numbly, I grabbed my uniform, in- you something about myself. I am of
the bit that did it. The chick behind cluding the shims, and stalked out of average height — five-eight — and slim,
the counter asked in a matter-of-fact the place. I found my barracks, walked 140. And I’m a handsome devil if I
voice,“You got enough shims?” in and sat on a bunk that had the mat- do say so. Nordic, classic features on
“Enough what?” tress turned back. Luckily the bar- a small head, and a perfect complexion
“Shims, Private — chemise — pan- racks was empty. Then I did some that won't tan. Just as important is

ties, bra, girdle — you know.” heavy thinking. the fact that I once had scarlet fever.
I stared dully. “Well, no,” I an- I thought it out a step at a time, This was only a few years ago. When
swered truthfully. logically, using a priori reasoning and 1 recovered found that I 1 didn’t have
A trip to the shelves, and she starting out with a major premise. to shave anymore. That's right. Scarlet

brought back another pile of stuff. First, I said to myself, my name is fever does strange things to its vic-
I gazed at its soft filmy texture, the Marion, an honorable tried-and-true tims; to me, it removed all trace of
alien shape. “For me?” I asked. name shared by hundreds of other per- facial hair. Finally, I was once the
“Look, honey,” the dame said. sons, many of whom were girls. Right? leading boy soprano of my church
“You need an aspirin or something, Right. Second, through the mistake of choir in Duluth. Now they call me a
you just let me know. Sure, it was some forked-up clerk I had been sent whiskey tenor but it’s the same thing.
rough overseas and maybe the effects to a WAC company. Right? Probably. Okay, have a voice like a girl.
I

will upset you for awhile. But just be Now, number three was touchier. It is there that all resemblance be-
glad you had the experience.” She Neither my masculine uniform nor tween me and a girl ends. And I’m
winked broadly. “I’ll bet it was some physical appearance had convinced speaking of both ends.
experience, hmm — from what I’ve anybody that 1 was not a genuine, Now that you have the picture, let’s
heard!” Her look was not calculated dyed-in-the-wool female type. Right? frame it. I sat there pondering my fate.
to get the Good Conduct medal in this Sure, but why? What should my next course be? Of
course I could go back to the Amazon
at H. Q. and tell her the whole ghastly
truth and that would be that.
Or-
And just like that the idea occurred
to me. At first, I brushed it aside. It
was pure madness! But then, slowly,
the essential man in me came to the
fore. Hah! what if Ceasar hadn’t taken
a chance? — All Gaul would have
stayed divided in three parts. What if

Napoleon hadn't got into France, or

got into Spain, or got into Prussia, or
got into Russia? Josephine would have
been out of luck!
I knew I was begging for a court-
martial and a firing squad at dawn.
On the other hand, here was my chance
to become immortal! There is on rec-
ord the history of a lovely girl who
joined the French Foreign Legion as
a private. Her true identity was not
discovered until she died in battle,

years later. At least, it was not discov-

ered by the general. The only thing
she had to worry about was pregnancy.
Why couldn’t I do the same thing —
in reverse? And if I died in battle, it

would be a pleasure. What a fight I

would put up! And, of course, I didn’t

have to worry much about pregnancy.
Let them look out for themselves.
Before I lost courage I stripped to
my skin. In a couple of trices 1 had my
brand new WAC uniform on. And if
you think it was an unmingled joy to

52
don those panties and bra, you’re and walked to the shower. I followed I murmured me too. was beginning I

wrong. The little Pfc at Supply must her course all the way to the end of to get nervous, for some reason. May-
have noticed was a little flat-chested.
I the barracks. Altogether there were be it was the way she avoided my eye.
She had taken care of me very nicely fifteen of them. I followed the course or the way she didn't change expres-
in that respect. They fit like a glove. of each. And then I just lay back on sion but just looked up at the ceiling.
I was making my bunk when my fel- the bunk and took a number of deep For awhile we were both silent.
low WACs (how’s that again?) came breaths. Then she stood up and took her
romping from some mysterious duty
in It lasted a week like that. That is clothes off. She did it languidly but

known only to them, their C.O. and to say / lasted a week. By then wasI deliberately, and she now looked right
their God. To them and their C.O.. almost a nervous wreck. I had never at me. didn't know what to think.
I

anyway. And we were off! enjoyed the role of voyeur — with me When she was down to her panties she
Due to a certain sense of honor, I it has always been all or nothing at came over and threw herself down on
am not going to reveal much of what all. To watch and not touch was for my bunk. She had done this several
went on in that barracks during my the birds. Birds with big eyes and times at night, but now there seemed
sojourn there. In any case it couldn't short bills. to be a definite purpose to her actions.
be printed. I will relate some of the I decided to pull out. 1 would prob- I. of course, was fully dressed.
more colorful episodes. The off-color- ably get six months in the guard house, "It’s warm as hell." she said, "why
ful ones you’ll have to imagine — and but what the hell! What I had thought don't you be smart and shed some of
please accept my sympathy. would turn out to be a joyful lark had that cotton? Here, I'll help." She
Well, it started right away. It had turned into a nightmare. Look, can you reached up and unbuttoned my shirt.

been a warm muggy day and, like sol- imagine how 1 felt when lovely little I looked down at her sure, steady
diers the world over, when knocking Betty Lou, for a half hour before lights fingers in a sort of horrified trance.
off for the day, these babes did the out, would come over, clad only in Swallowing hard, I tried to re-button
same things. They trooped in noisily, her filmy little panties, and sprawl on the shirt, mumbling that really wasn't I

whooping and hollering spiritedly, and my bunk next to me? And when she that warm, and — She watched me with
made for their bunks. would reach across me to drop her ash a definite twinkle in her eve. Then she
And then they made for the shower in a tray, and squeeze my thigh in an took my hands away and unbuttoned
room. intimate little gesture that is quite the shirt again. This time she got it all

Okay? proper between people of the same sex. the way. 1 was beginning to feel too
Okay. She had been doing it more and more weak to do anything about it. I had a
So sat there on my bunk, drinking
I as time passed, and it was getting to feeling that my Waterloo was upon
it all in and trying to appear casual. be more than 1 could stand. me.
The babe in the next bunk was an im- As you can imagine. I had to be So was Betty Lou. Kneeling, she
mensely cute little private with a very careful about my timing — when straddled me. pushing me back onto
beauty mark just under her left arm- to use the latrine, when to dress and the bunk. Her breath was coming
pit. saw it when she reached behind
I undress — It was nerve-wracking. My faster now. "Let's," she said, in a kind
to unfasten her bra strap. As she un- duties didn't offer much of a problem, of choked-up voice, "play a game. No-
dressed she spoke to me in a friendly except on the first day. body in the barracks has ever beaten
tone, as one gal to another. “You have a very general, in fact me at Indian wrestling — and now I'm
“Tm Lou Jones." said Betty
Betty a confused, M.O.,” the Amazon first challenging you. You have to play, or
Lou Jones." You gonna be with us a sergeant said to me. “What are you I'll tell the girls you chickened out!”

while, hon?" She (lashed me a smile best fitted for?” She got into the Indian wrestle posi-
that, had I not been a girl, would have "I was pretty good with a B. A. R. tion.
warmed the cockles of my heart. at Inchon,” I said, automatically, “but And then I got into it. I had no
“I'm Marion Harkoff," I admitted, I'm partial to a bazooka.” other choice.
"and I'll consider myself lucky if I'm Naturally she took it as a joke. How After I had defeated her three times.
here just five minutes more.” else could she take it? I finally wound Betty Lou snuggled up to me and nuz-
Well, dear reader, Betty Lou was up as a file clerk after proving my in- zled my ear. “I knew you could beat
ready for her shower just thirty sec- ability todo anything else. Once got I me," she said.
onds “Coming, hon?” she asked
later. into the thing, it was a lead pipe cinch. I kissed her gently. "How long have
me, casually draping a towel around Betty Lou was another matter en- you known?"
her shoulders. tirely. On the seventh day things came “From almost the first day," she
I shook my head. In a barely audible to a head. There was a movie that said. "From the minute you buttoned
voice I admitted that I'd had my night, and the gals who hadn't gone your shirt, to be exact. You kept trying
shower already. "Anyway, 1 feel a lit- were in town. I had the barracks to to button it from left to right — when
tle weak from the heat,” said. Weak! 1 myself. Until seven, when Betty Lou a girl's shirt buttons from right to left.

I couldn’t have risen off that bunk if came in. She threw herself down on That, plus a few other giveaways put
the enemy had dropped the first bomb her bunk and gazed up at the ceiling. me on the track. I don't know what
directly overhead! Betty Lou murmur- “Don’t like the movie and don't have your game is, but man, you're cer-
ed something sympathetic, then turned a date," she remarked. “You, too?" tainly a whizz at Indian wrestling! You

53
ready to play again?" with certain other papers. Finally he you. Private? Whatever happens, re-
was ready. We played again. After-
1 looked up. member have your best interests at
I

ward I told her the whole story. told I “How long,” he asked, “did you ex- heart." He swallowed, a tear dimnHng
her that I had been about to give it all pect to get away with it?” hisrheumy old eye.
up and take my medicine. had decided to brazen it out. It
I let you know,"
“I'll I told him.
She pressed her fingers against my might or might not make things worse “— after you let me know.”
lips. “Uh-w/?! You are not going to for me — but had to try. A sixth I I returned to the barracks. “This
giveup — and you’ll get your medicine sense told me to. “With alldue respect. may be my last night here, kids,” I told
from me! See?" Sir," I began, looking at him with what my brood fondly. “What’ll we do for
The next two weeks were glorious. he could not possibly have mistaken kicks? Any ideas?”
By the end of that time the entire bar- for respect, “the error was not mine. They told me their ideas — amid
racks knew. It was the Army’s. 1 merely went along much wailing and weeping, naturally.
Did they turn me in? They did not. with it to save the collective face of How. they asked each other, could
What they did do was call a meeting, the brass." they ever replace me? In the course of
one evening. Around my bunk. In a I thought he was going to have an the next few hours, I assured them that
very matter of fact way they put it to apoplectic fit. Or maybe it was just the they couldn't.
me. Corporal Blanche Saunders was martinis he'd had for lunch. After the I my answer next day. As had
had I

spokeswoman. blood left his face, he said ominously, suspected, my days at Elmwood were
She looked from me to Betty Lou “Go ahead. Talk. I can tell by your over. But my army career was not. On
and back again. "Nobody's going to expression that you've given the mat- the contrary, life for me was just be-
squawk,” she said "if you two cooper- ter some thought. Please feel free to ginning. When was called into the
I

ate. It’s simply a matter of sharing the speak out." He sat back and waited, Colonel’s office, he was not alone. Far
wealth — understand?" looking like something left over from from it.

We understood. 1 looked at Betty the Inquisition. There was a two-star general there.
Lou and shrugged. She nodded sadly. There were also two colonels, one from
The others drew straws to determine the adjutant-general's office, and a dis-
the order of precedence. Betty Lou, Man has his will — but woman tinguished looking civilian introduced
because of seniority rights, plus my has her way! as Mr. Hmmphglphurg from the State
insistence, was given two straws. — Oliver Wendell Holmes Department. It doesn’t seem possible

The next month was not only glori- that it could have been Mr. Dulles;
ous, it was hectic. Now I had no wor- still, he does get around, you know.
ries about latrines, shower rooms, or But I had the thing made, and I Hell, it couldn't have been. Well, the
being interrupted. The barracks, and knew it. I didn’t go so far as to sit on point is that they had had a conference
its contents, were mine. The girls pro- the edge of his desk or anything like lasting all day. The brass had flown in
tected me like a treasured keepsake, that. After all, he was merely an inno- that morning after from the C.O.
which of course I was — they wanted cent victim of circumstance. But I They were very nice about it —
to keep me, for their sake. Being only stood at ease and shifted my weight didn’t want to hurt my feelings, didn't
21, vigorous and healthy, I did not from one foot to another. want to upset me. after my ordeal. I

suffer the you might imagine.

ills that “I want the status to stay just as it waited patiently for the pitch. It was
A special diet supplemented the regu- is," I told him, “—strictly quo! I like it a slow curve across the middle. Above
lar G.I. food — it was brought in from here. I like the food, the duty — and the belt. It struck me out.
town by the girls — and gave me extra the personnel. Especially the person- It seems that a battery of eight
strength. Life was good. nel. If things do not stay as they are. prominent military and civilian psy-
It got better after that month. Some- then I need only say that the Army is chiatrists had found me hopelessly in-
body talked. Was I reported, court- in for the most frightful publicity of sane. Yes. indeed, it was their consid-
martialed, drummed out of the Serv- its history. Think of it — a G.I. spend- ered opinion that I would better serve
ice? I was not. Only now I had three ing ten weeks in a WAC barracks, the interests of my country, and espe-
barracks to worry about. The whole known only to the WACs themselves! cially the Army, if I were shut away
damned WAC outfit at the post. I be- If it hits the headlines. Colonel, heads in Vault number E-75 of sub-level 4
gan to feel just a trifle used. Not used will roll, I guarantee it. Don’t think the in the Pentagon.
up — just used. Pentagon will take the blame, old fel- Having delivered himself of this in-
While I pondered what to do about low." The color of his face and the formation. one of the colonels offered
it, the roof fell in, as was inevitable. way his shoulders sagged convinced me a cigarette. He looked me straight
When I got the order to appear before me it was safe to call him "old fellow". in the eye as he touched his Zippo to
the C. O., I girded my loins for the He sure looked a lot older than when the tip. “That is to say, those eight
blow to come. I’d come in. psychiatrists are about to find you in-
I saluted on entering the sanctum “Give me a day to figure something sane, with the aforementioned conse-
sanctorum. The colonel, a big bluff out." he said despondently. He looked quences — unless you cooperate with
man with an oldtime walrus mustache, up at me pleadingly. “Look — you us.”
was studying my service record along know I was blameless in this, don't I cooperated. I mean, what the hell

54
 —
— when you've had it. Mac. you-have-
had-it. And, bless that sweet little old

I.B.M.. I had had it. with a capital "Could you tell the listeners a little of what goes on here?"

HAD.
That was six years ago. For those
six years I have been on this island in

the Pacific. Not the South Pacific, the

North Pacific. The island is called

Argh! and it’s about thirty miles west

of Alaska in the Bering Sea. On a clear

day I can see the Arctic Circle, and it's

kind of hard to sleep because of that

damned Aurora Borealis flashing all

night long — for six months. And when

the C. O. says you're on K. P. for a

day, he means the other six months

of the year!

I stand a lot of guard duty too.

Guard tour here is just 100 yards —

from one end of the island to the other.

There are just five quonset huts on the

Post — four for the officers and one for

us eight enlisted men. The PX and the

Service Club are in Nome. I've never

seen them.

I’m not complaining, understand.

I'll be a civilian again soon, and it's

easy to forgive anything when you're

a civilian. I think of it a lot while I’m

doing guard duty. And I think of the

past too. of that glorious interlude in

my life when I was a WAC' corporal.

It causes me to plan for the future,

but carefully.

I know what I'm going to do when

I get out. Cleaning out the officers’

quarters the other day I came across

the employment section of a recent

New York Times. There's a prominent

girls' finishing school in Rhode Island

with a faculty vacancy for next semes-

ter. They need a physical training in-

structor. Well, do you think I applied

for the job?

Man. I'm way ahead of you.

I’ve been accepted. — i

55
 Women Overrate Sex boys. She begrudges
or his golf, or his fishing, unless he
him his tennis,

( Continued from page 29) drags her along to gook the thing up
with her inferior performance and ut-
ter ignorance of sportsmanship.
If she’s married to a man, you’ll
And that the poor male really is in he gets the second set because he can’t notice, she’ll try to work it that he
trouble was indicated several weeks stand emotionally the overwork he is only sees his old friends when their
later when the jury (mostly men) de- fated to do. wives are present — thus turning a
clared this dame not guilty and set her The woman’s overemphasis on sex friendship into a kind of rivalry, egged
free, presumably to kill the next man carries on into other fields, poisoning on by the women.
she really took a fancy to. the man’s happiness in every case. And, of course, a woman over-
The right of a woman to do every- Take the case of his friends. estimates sex itself - I mean S-E-X -
thing she damn well pleases in the To begin with, no woman under- as it exists in a man’s mind. men- I

name of love is only one of the many stands friendship. Carnal machine that tioned before that he has to take her,
illogical and downright annoying ideas she is, she never really has any very often, at her own values. So, what
women believe in— and expect men “friends" in the literal sense. For a does he do? He writes sonnets, he
to swallow. while, in her school days and adoles- composes music, he paints canvas, he
Because sex is everything to a wom- cence, she has other girls that she builds castles to celebrate the ecstasies
an she believes must be to a man.
it groups with because of enforced prox- of sexual communion with a woman.
This is probably one of the greatest imity-room-mates, classmates, neigh- He extols her beauty above all things,
causes of unhappiness between men bors, and the like — or because she because he knows she expects it of
and women — that a woman has only notices something about another girl him.
one thing on her mind and a man has and she wants to buddy around with Her beauty?
a lot of things on his. her and learn how it's done pure . .
. Have you ever looked closely at a
Did you ever see any woman other theft. But when a girl becomes a wom- woman?
than a Russian hammer-thrower who an and discovers her power to attract Of course you have, but I mean
really enjoyed sports? Did you ever men, that’s the end of all her so-called closely and objectively. Look at her
see any woman at a ball game who girl-friends. From then on, they’re The afterwards — if you get what I mean.
really enjoyed it, without faking it to Enemy — a potential other woman — Here is a creature endowed by na-
build up her popularity with the men? and although they'll chatter across ture with most of the lines which make
Of course not. tables and coffee cups with each other for ugliness. She is so constituted that
Women can’t keep their minds on for the rest of their lives, it’s an armed for her hip joints to function at all
any one subject long enough to get truce at best. Deep down in their she either has to be bow-legged or
any pleasure or substance out of it. hearts, two women smiling at each knock-kneed to make up for the odd
They claim that women haven’t pro- other are about as harmonious as a angles that the simple act of walking
duced any writers, artists, musicians, scorpion and a tarantula in a bottle. throws into her legs. A straight-legged
or thinkers in history because they woman is a rarity, and she looks a lit-
didn't have the opportunity. Well, they tle odd at that — somewhat as though
have
Men are women's playthings;
their opportunity now, and have her legs were stuck on, with putty, as
had for a couple of generations,
women are the devil's.
it and an afterthought. Stand her up on the
they haven’t caused a ripple, and
— Victor Hugo
still bedroom floor in her bare feet and
they never will, simply because they she’s a dumpy sight at best. Her hips
can’t concentrate on anything but sex. So, a woman never catches on that suggest a scow viewed from the George
A woman usually hates her hus- a man enjoys the friendship of his own Washington Bridge as it lumbers along
band's job, because she views it as a kind. Made short-sighted by her own beneath, on the waters below. Her
rival. She can’t understand, for in- sex bias, she thinks that a man’s en- arms are flabby and usually short, her
stance — with her sex bias — that a joyment of his friends is a direct in- fingers pointed and unskilled. Her
man’s interest in his work can exist sult to her. She doesn’t know that a breasts — can you imagine the billions
side-by-side with a great love for her. man can never talk to a woman with of words and oceans of paint that have
“Nonsense,” she says, “it takes you the same lack of restraint that he can been wasted on these? — are biological
away from me!” And then she sets out use with most casual male ac-
the necessities having to do with the feed-
to make him hate his job, too, thinking quaintance. She doesn’t know that ing of children, but aside from this, are
in this way to build up her own im- sports are another language by which inferior in every respect to an ordinary
portance to him. And before very long men converse with one another, get- orange or tennis ball, both in flavor
the poor joker is nursing his second ting real stimulation and a sense of and resiliency.
setof ulcers — he got the first ones bodily balance, both physical and Her hair — her “crowning glory” —
working too hard to provide his wom- mental, from this type of communica- is really just a nuisance, an unsanitary

an with “necessities” in the style to tion. depository of goo, pins, dust, and the
which she was unaccustomed, and then So she sulks when he’s out with the idiotic designs of pansy beauticians.

56
 —
What’s left? Plenty of love and sen- next dame. — sadly cavorting around and making
sation and good clean animal pleasure, The other sex area where women out that it's fun to sit in the grass with

without a doubt. overestimate their own powers is in your fanny exposed or eat your dinnejr
But what's all the shouting about? the matter of skin exposure. They’re a yard away from your neighbor's
Women are so nuts about their sex mighty self-conscious at the amount completely visible hide.
ideas that they spend most of their of leg they show getting out of a cab, There's no sex to it, in any way —

money on clothes and cosmetics, and or if they catch you looking down the sex being a state of mind much more
most of their lives shopping for them front of their evening dresses. Men are than a state of nudity. But that's some-
and applying them. beasts, they seem to say, you peek —
if thing that women will never learn.
For men? Of course not. except then why the hell do they wear little show of skin gets a man’s
Sure, a
Women don’t fool men when they the short skirts and the plunging fronts mind moving in a certain direction,
girdle their behinds and brassiere their if it isn’t to get the beasts worked up but to give it all the overemphasis that
fronts. The fact is that a man of any a little? Women seem to think they're women actually do, is to confuse the

experience can spot a falsie a mile giving men a great big break, distrib- match with the explosion.
away, including the ones with the nip- uting goodies to the poor, as it were, If women would only understand
ples on them, or the ones with the piece by piece, if they show a little some of these things from a man’s
holes in them. A man who isn’t just epidermis. point of view, they’d stop wasting a
a boy in the game of making women Well, have you ever seen a mob of lot of time and causing a lot of trouble.
can gauge very accurately just by naked women? 1 don’t mean in a bur- The fact is that a woman is only a
glancing at a girdle just how much lesque show or a nightclub act where sometime thing at best, and her sex
“fall-out” is going to take place when they have the benefit of sequins and only a sometime part of that. That’s
she takes it off. Shoes he discounts lights and sensual music. I mean just the truth of it, and the sooner she
automatically — he’s well aware that out in a field — say, in a nudist camp. knows it the better.
most of them are designed to give a I’ve been to a few nudist camps, and So let's go down to The Place
. . .

woman that pelvic thrust forward, and there are few unlovelier sights in the for a couple of beers. And after that

that when you take her shoes off, her entire world than that sad mass of we’ll call up a couple of broads 1 know.
pelvis goes back where it belongs and humanity — pink and ugly and hairy Hell, a man has to have some fun,

she looks as round-shouldered as the and out of shape in every possible way doesn't he? — i

The Blonde In The Bedroom

( Continued from page 25)

the train. As she grudgingly tried to about all this as the consoling words were all full. Then a fourth one. This
stow her baggage back on the rack, I I uttered to this unfortunate fiancee was the very last.
rushed forward to help her. Actually might have led her to believe. I felt “Nothing in the main lodge," said
she was capable of doing it herself, at ease with this lovely girl whose voice the manager. “But have a very com- 1

being as tall as I. and manner reflected her frankness fortable room in the annex."
Still, she appreciated my efforts, and and simplicity. “Only one?” asked the girl.
conversation began. Her fiance was Emerging from the tunnel, we saw “Only one. But it has twin beds."
waiting for her in Zurs, she said. She that it was snowing as hard on this I took the manager aside: “Now
had come from Ostend, Belgium, to side as on the other. The Saint-Anton look here Mademoiselle and are
. . . I

spend a week with him. But, now this station was almost invisible behind a not married.”
pre-marital honeymoon seemed about heavy curtain of snowflakes. “I understand,” he said with a wink.
to be seriously curtailed. When my involuntary traveling com- "But it doesn’t matter here. This isn’t

Around us the white cloud in which panion and 1 arrived at the luxurious Switzerland. On the register you’ll put
we had been traveling without ex- Post-Hotel, the manager informed us down the lady as your wife."
changing a word — ah! how human that of the one hundred and fifty beds The young Flemish girl was looking
beings can be brought together by only two were still available, and these at the window matted with huge snow-
destiny’s whims — had now been re- two in the same room. flakes.
placed by total blackness. The train “That won’t do,” said the Flemish She turned to me. “Well?"
was going through a tunnel and, per- girl. “It’s the only room left in the vil-

haps due to the accumulation of snow She walked out, dignified and angry. lage. If you take it, you'll have to pay
on the roof of the coach, the lights I followed her. The porter was behind double.”
had not gone on. We spoke without us, pulling a sled on which our luggage “I’ll pay."
seeing each other, like prisoners in was fraternizing under a mantle of She hesitated, then, “But what
some dark cell. snow. about you? Where will you go?”
To tell the truth 1 was not as sorry Another hotel, then another; they “I'll sleep in the waiting room at

57
 ” . .

the station/' I said, unenthusiastically. We carefully made our way back to “Rakes?” 1 suggested.
The fiancee blushed. “We’ll share the annex. Covered with snow, the “That's not the word I was going
the room.” electric lights were dim. The road was to use,” she admitted with a smile.
We started out, the sled with the slippery. I offered my arm to Mile. “Anyhow, what does it mean — a rake?
luggage still following us. The annex Sleepens. Good-naturedly she said, Someone who chases after women?”
was actually a private home whose “Perhaps you’re not as well trained “The whole world has given us this
owner, a huge Austrian woman with as I. Do you know what 1 do in Os- bad reputation.”
candid eyes, occasionally rented out tend? I teach physical culture.” “You don't deserve it,” said the
rooms to the hotel owner. She showed When we arrived at the house, I Flemish girl. I was not sure if this was

us the room located on the ground stopped on the porch. “You go in a compliment or whether it was tinged
floor, its two beds placed length to first. I’ll come in after you’ve retired.” with irony.
length. She thanked me warmly. “You’re a When it became my turn to use the
“Monsieur and Madame will be real gentleman. It won’t take me long. washbasin, Judy Sleepens looked at

quite comfortable,” she said, placidly. Not more than five minutes.” me quite openly.
“The house is very quiet. Only I and When I entered, I left the light off “You’re well proportioned,” she
my elderly husband live here. Besides, and quickly slipped into my bed. I had said, “but your muscles could be more
he's deaf,” she added. spent a sleepless night on the train and developed. If I were staying here for
The blonde girl was already open- this had been a tiring day, making the a while. I’d give you some lessons in
ing her bag. rounds of so many hotels. I fell asleep physical culture.”
“Allow me to introduce myself.” I like a child.” We left Some hardy skiers
together.
told her my name and my profession. “Good-morning!”, Mile. Sleepens were leaving for the slope which rose
“Judy Sleepens,” she answered, greeted me cheerfully. high above the railroad tracks.
without raising her head. Already up, but still in her pajamas, “They’re very brave,” said Mile.
We got settled. Our toilet accessor- she opened the shutters. An icy wind Sleepens.
ies were placed together on the single blew several snowflakes into the room. “If the weather was good,” 1 an-
dresser. The Flemish girl did not open “It’s still snowing,” said the girl. swered, “I’d show you Saint- Anton's
her mouth. I respected her silence. “Shall we have breakfast here? The scenic wonders.”
After a while the girl rang the bell. owner has suggested we do so.” “If the weather was good,” replied
The owner entered. The woman came in with a big tray the Flemish girl teasingly, “I wouldn’t
“Where can I make a phone call?” containing rolls, butter, jam and two be here.”
“Fromthe Hotel du Soleil which steaming cups of coffee. “Then I’d rather it snowed,” I said,
sent you here, Madame. It's quite a “I think you must have slept well. softly.

distance in this bad weather But . . . Monsieur,” she said. “It's already late, She burst out laughing. “You're dis-
if you and your husband plan to dine you know. At least nine o’clock. But creet but a real ladies' man. There’s
there tonight — of course newlyweds . no doubt about it! You’re a French-
Mile. Sleepens cut her off. “Thank “I’m simply famished,” Mile. Sleep- man.”
you.” ens interrupted. During dinner she again put a phone
I tried hard not to smile. “Don’t you I too was famished. We disposed of call through to Zurs.
think we might as well eat together?” a great many rolls. “Well?” I inquired, when she came
She shrugged. “Why not?” “In order to simplify matters I’ll back.
At the Hotel du Soleil, a pleasant put on my coat and go outside while “I told him to be patient. I too am
chalet with an attractive porch in you dress.” waiting.”
carved wood, she immediately phoned “Not at all,” said the girl. “I've Following her promise the girl did
Zurs to tell her fiance about the situa- camped with friends. We all washed notmake me wait on the porch when
tion.The phone was now the only together.” we came back. Calmly she disrobed.
means of communication between She removed her pajama top. For a fleeting second I saw the long
them. Mile. Sleepens then joined me Stripped to the waist, she splashed legs, sturdy but with well turned
in the dining room where I had taken vigorously. I had turned away modest- calves.
a table for two. ly, but in the mirror I couldn't help Before going to bed I turned off the
I was less at ease in this forced in- glancing at her magnificent breasts. light. Nonetheless, the arc lamps from
timacy, which had joined us together “You know,” said the girl as she the nearby railroad station slightly il-

like two happy lovers, than I had been continued washing herself unconcern- luminated the room through the heart-
in the darkened train. Across the table edly, “I don’t share your compatriots’ shaped openings carved into the shut-
from me. Mile. Sleepens was eating feeling regarding modesty. For me ters.I saw the bedcover rising and

desultorily, without saying a word. To nudity has no connection with lewd- falling with the girl's breathing, out-
make conversation, I asked her what ness. Last night I let you remain out- lining in full length the body that was
her fiance had thought about this set- side because I didn't know you and I so close to mine. That night I fell

back. had been told that Frenchmen asleep with far greater difficulty.
“He said 1 did the right thing,” the were . The following day we learned that
Flemish girl answered, calmly. She stopped abruptly. ( Continued on page 60)

58
 They Have No Sense Of Time.
The truth of it is that men and
women go by different clocks. A man's
clock is the movement of the spheres

THE in relation to this

clearly indicates.
planet
A
— as his watch
woman's clock is

TROUBLE the
to her
movement of this planet in relation
— and a watch to her is only a
WITH piece of jewelry but not a time-piece.
Ask any woman to indicate to you
WOMEN the length of a minute.
be off by as much as twenty-five sec-
Time her. She’ll

onds. She has no sense of time, even

with relation to time's basic units of
length.
It's too old hat to mention that any
woman finds it impossible to be on
time to any date. The first scene of any
play has to be written very trivially,
so that latecomers may get to their
seats after the thing has started, with-
out missing too much of importance.
Further proof that the female is Men alone are never late Men at plays.

not only deadlier — she enjoys with men are never late at plays. Men
being that way. Look here . . . with women are almost always late at
plays.
Yet a woman can bend Time to her
whim like a pretzel. Most women have
fabulous memories for dates and places
They Have Bad Manners. and somebody seems to be slugging and happenings. "Why, yes,'' some
fTlHE reason for politeness to women the bejesus out of the small of your dame will say. “Of course, I remember
is a very good one. being a general back, that it's some nasty little dame you — we met in Detroit in 948 at a
1

gesture of esteem on the part of men trying to pushyou aside so that she New Year’s Party at George Bull-
towards the sex that included their can go wherever she’s going, first. finch'shome.” And she'll be right —
mothers. Just watch any line queuing up for when she swears she's
just as right as
But this innate politeness towards The one that
a bus, or to buy tickets. never met you before in her life, if
women has degenerated into about as always barges in and grabs a place that happens to be the way she's feel-
laughable a brand of servility as the ahead of some other patient individ- ing about it.

world has ever seen. We hold open ual is always a woman. And never— NEVER — tell a wom-
doors for them, we pull back chairs Hold a door for one of these charm- an you'll be back in just a few minutes.
for them, we light their cigarettes, ers some time. She sails through with- A few minutes, as any man knows, is

we carry their luggage. Why? Be- out lifting so much as an eyebrow in not a moment, and not an hour. A
cause women are the “weaker sex"? acknowledgment. minimum of patience is required. Well,
Nonsense. They outlive men two to Light her cigarette. She blows try that one on a woman and you'll
one, and they can stand fatigue far smoke in your face instead of a thank- hear the old refrain: "Where have you
better, it has been proven, sheer mus- you. been? I’ve been waiting for hours!"
clepower aside for the moment. No — Offer her your seat in the subway. Bless their little hearts. There are no
we do these things because women She takes it as her right. No thanks, hands on their watches; only numbers
have decided to develop a slave race, again. and — if they can trap you into it —
men, to wait on them. So the point is being reached where diamonds.
In return — supposing for the mo- men are getting tired of offering these They have to be entertained constantly.
ment that we are willing to perform courtesies and getting no return. Have you ever seen a woman sit
these indignities in payment for the The ladies are entering the room . . Have I? Only one — and she's
still?
rare privilege of going to bed with Shall we rise, gentlemen? Yes, by all one of the four figures at the base of
them — we receive very little in kind. means: — let us rise and go out and the statue erected to the Union soldiers
You can be sure, if you're in a crowd mix another drink, with a double shot. in Pottsville. Penna.

(Continued on page 72)

59
during the night an avalanche had cut But the health of this lovely girl compass.
off the railroad tracks to Vienna. Signs was in no need of further toasts. Her I have said that our beds were
erected by the Chamber of Commerce pretty face did not require the en- placed end to end. My feet were there-
urged skiers to be careful. hancement of makeup or lipstick. An fore a few inches away from the girl's.
“I’m afraid we’ll be staying here for interior flame seemed to burn through I was bold enough to touch them. Judy
some time,” I said with hypocritical the transparent skin. withdrew; then, a few minutes later, as.

dismay. That night I found it impossible to if she had fallen asleep, her feet in

After dinner Judy Sleepens again fall asleep. Was the Flemish girl sleep- turn brushed against mine. Never has
called Zurs which had become more ing? In any event it couldn’t be very a caress aroused me as much as this
and more isolated. deeply because when I turned in my deliberate, prolonged contact of Judy’s
“He’s becoming nervous up there,” bed she immediately woke up. feet with mine. A current seemed to
said the girl upon returning to the “Aren’t you asleep?” she asked. come from them, its waves rising all
table. “No, Judy.” the way to the base of my neck. And
“It’s always a good idea to make a “Neither am 1. It must be the alti- I could also feel her trembling.
future husband jealous,” I said as I tude. I’m not used to it. And it's so How short that long winter night
poured some dry, golden wine into her warm here!” seemed to me! I was not accus-
glass. She was right. Our landlady wasn’t tomed to sleeping near a virgin who
She drank, then smiled again. saving on the coal. Without leaving my was in love with another man. But the
“Do you really think that jealousy recumbent position 1 was aware that thought that the future, and legitimate,
enhances love?” Judy had pushed the bedclothes away master of so many charms was waiting
“I’m sure of it. To your good because I saw the gleam of her lovely up there in the mountain, stopped me
health!” nude legs, slightly spread open like a from going any farther.

(Continued on page 71

Mankind Is Doomed
(Continued from page 27)

though she'll tell you that she only lution and wake up one day in a world 3. She has held governorships in
takes a job to help she and her hus- run by women. six states (even in Texas where men
band afford the luxuries of life, she And, considering the rapid strides are supposedly men a woman has
knows that she won’t up and quit once woman has taken in recent wears, that twice been elected) and right now she
they have them. Sure, she claims her day is not too far off. To jolt man out has 16 members in the United States
husband is the boss and maybe in of his complacency — if that is pos- legislature.
many things she gives in to his ranting sible — let’s just take a look at what 4. Two women have been Treasur-
and raving but if one were to analyze the little woman has accomplished in er Of The United States and another
the times that the “little woman" bows the last thirty .or forty years. was the first appointee to the newest
to the “boss” they would probably find 1 . She has doubled her working cabinet post. Secretary Of Health Edu-
that the idea the husband was fighting number until today more than one cation And Welfare. We’ve had a
for was one the woman implanted in third of all the jobs in the United woman as advisor to the president on
his head long before he thought of it. States are held by women. civil defense and another as represent-
Sure, she’ll tell you it's a man’s world. 2. She has twice, to our knowledge, ative to the United Nations. There
Why not? As long as she can lull man elected the president of the United have been — and are — innumerable
into a sense of well-being there isn’t States. (Although the sex of a voter women mayors, uncountable judges,
much she can't get away with. She’ll is not recorded on our secret ballots, thousands of female members of state
also tell you it will remain a man’s according to polls conducted by the legislatures and not a few lady am-
world, but in the back of her mind American Heritage Foundation imme- bassadors.
she knows it will not. She knows this 5. There are well over ten thousand
1952 and 1956 elec-
diately after the
because she damn well won’t let it.
tions— which incidentally were the only
female executives running major cor-
And more right!
she couldn’t be
— 52 porations and. in the entertainment
such polls ever taken and 54%
Today, whether man knows it or field it is the women who draw down
of the ballots for Eisenhower were
not. he’s in the middle of a social revo- the largest salaries.
cast by women.) Add to this the fact
Woman has a better formal edu-
lution. And, should he continue to 6.
that there are over two and a half mil- cation than man, 10.7 years to 9.9.
remain complacent about it and go on

thinking ofwoman as she was back in lion more women than men eligible to 7. She outnumbers the male.
the dark ages when she came to him vote and it’s easy to see that they have Though there are more males born
on the wedding day with a blush and one helluva say in how things are every year women overtake and pass
a dowry, he’s going to lose that revo- going to be done in this country. them in the mid-20’s. At present writ-

60
ing the female outnumbers the male
100-98.
8. And, for no other reason than to
prove that anything man can do wom-
an can do, it was a woman, Mrs. Anna
Edson Taylor, who firstwent over
Niagara Falls in a barrel and survived.
She turned the trick way back in 1901.
To reach these goals woman began
less than a century ago with a seige
on that impregnable male fortress, the
private universities. The schools of
medicine, law, architecture, engineer-
ing, etc. Men tried to keep her out.
they barred the doors against her but
little by little, one by one, she infil-
trated until finally, in 1942, Harvard
University, man’s last holdout, fell.

Since her siege on the schools wom-

an has truly blazed a trail. And no
matter how far he sticks his head in
man cannot dispute this. To-
the sand,
day woman is well on her way to run-
ning the whole kit and kaboodle. Most
of her rights she has won by herself —
frequently without approval from men
— but more often against their most
active opposition.
And if she's done all this in a man's
world, just imagine what she’ll do
when she finally turns this old globe
into a woman's world.
Of course, man will argue that that Certainly Delilah didn't hold Samson mass exodus from the home created
will never happen; that he is the down while she gave him a shave and quite a void. Since woman was on
stronger of the two sexes ergo if it a haircut and it wasn’t mere physical equal footing with man in the factory,
comes down to a social struggle he will force that made Eleanor Of Aqui- in and in the government
the office,
win out. taine the only monarch in history to there was no one left to do the house-
Once again he couldn't be more rule both France and England. Wallis work. Certainly after a hard day at the
wrong! Warfield Simpson didn't force Edward office the wife wasn't going to come
First of all to win a war you have to giveup an empire nor did Ovita home and do all the work. Consequent-
to realize you're in one. And man does Culp Hobby browbeat the president ly man. more and more, has been
not know that he is. Women have been into appointing her Secretary of Health gradually drawn into shouldering the
so clever
in gaining their ends that Education And Welfare. And it is responsibility of keeping the home.
most men don’t even know they've Lady MacBeth is not
quite evident that The roles man and woman are
of
gained them. Secondly, mere physical as physically strong as her husband gradually changing. And the rotten
force — and that’s all man has going but she does play a much more com- part of the whole thing is that man

for him — is not the kind of force that manding role in the tragedy. doesn't even know it's happening. His
is most effective, even in battle. The And like Lady MacBeth women, head is stuck so far in the sand that he
force of will, the force of intellect and more and more, are using men to fur- doesn't realize that in the last twenty
the force of beauty are infinitely more ther their own aims. It was man who or thirty years he’s taken on more and
important. And it has been in the latter invented the labor saving devices — more feminine responsibility and re-
mentioned that women have excelled vacuum cleaners, electric mixers, fro- linquished more and more male re-
down thru the ages. Certainly Eve zen foods, self polishing waxes, canned sponsibility. .

didn't force the apple down Adam’s goods, et al — that took away the drud- And it's starting to show. So much
throat nor did Esther use brute gery of housework and gave woman so that according to Dr. Perry Talking-
strength to save the Jews. It was the one thing she needed — time. With ton, noted psychiatrist from Dallas,
Helen’s beauty — not her muscles — all of these "gadgets” going for her Texas, 38% of all the males turned
that launched a thousand ships and it woman gradually moved out of the down at armed forces induction cen-
was Isabella s intellect that sent Co- kitchen until today it’s virtually im- ters are sent home because of "emo-
lumbus off in search of new worlds. possible to get her back. And this tional inadaptability” to military life

61
and many more were medically dis- States, Great Britain and Russia mo- the verge of making himself expend-
charged for the same reason. “Most of bilized their women. Germany, Italy able. Just recentlymale scientists
them were emasculated males,” says and Japan did not. The results speak found that they could raise chickens
Dr. Talkington, “they wanted to de- for themselves. and turkeys from unfertilized eggs,
pend on somebody else. Instead of giv- No matter where you look today that is, without benefit of a male tur-
ing and protecting, they wanted to be you will find that women have infil- key or chicken. They called it Parthen-
protected. They had never learned trated. In every profession from Afri- ogenesis. But instead of forgetting
to accept responsibility — somewhere can Hunting guide to isolating the about it and letting well enough alone,

they had lost the male image.” atom; from the U. S. Army to going these same males are now experiment-
And. while we're on the subject of over Niagara Falls in a barrel; from ing with some of the higher vertebrates
man’s “emotional inadaptability" to the executive suite to the assembly such as rabbits.
the armed forces, let's look at woman's line, women have made their mark. If they succeed God only knows
adaptability and let's not forget — Just where it will end isn't known. where it will all end, but in the light
though it may wound what little is left But instead of realizing he's in a strug- of all that is happening it’s not incon-
of the male ego — that it was the weak- gle for survival and doing all he can ceivable to think that one day a little

er sex who played a very large part in to offset it man is doing everything he girl will turn to her mother and ask,
winning the last war. The United can to defeat his own cause. He is on “Mommy what were men?” — j

How To Tell . . . The Wills From The Won’ts

( Continued from page 37)

mide. There's no profit in letting your One famous Indian operator. Big 2. Dress. It isn’t so much what a

youth fly away on the wings of bad Chief (j.g.) Sitting Lap had this to girl has on, but what she hasn’t. And

guesses. say about nostrils in his famous book, how she's wearing what she has.
No, you've got to KNOW. You've “Hunting Palefaces and Squaws For Now, obviously, you can’t go up to
got to be sure. You must be positive. Fun and Profit:” a girl and say, “Pardon me. miss, but
You owe it to yourself. "See-um squaw who looks like she exactly what have you got on under
OK, we’ve established the urgent could breath-um fire, you got some- that dress?”
necessity of knowing how to tell the thing. See-um squaw who looks like But there's nothing to prevent you
Wills from the Won’ts. There remains she could breath-um poison gas, you from looking for the tell-tale signs of
only the fine art of picking-up to be got nothing. Ugh.” the presence of corsets (wriggling,
explained. When you see a girl, put an imagi- scratching) or girdles (wriggling,

Obviously, this isn’t a simple mat- nary mask over her face, with the ex- scratching) or other forms of arma-
an art. or a science, if you will,
ter. It is ception of the nose. Cover the eyes, ment which indicate that all is not
which requires practice. But there are which can look one way and feel an- what it seems on the surface. And a
certain guidepostswhich can be of im- other. Cover the mouth which can be girl who goes in for one form of sham

mense help in this worthy project. painted to be completely misleading. will quite naturally go in for others.
These are, individually, not positive; Concentrate on the nostrils which can- The minute you spot an armament-
but taken as a group they are virtually not but breathe the truth. wearer, beware.
infallible. Do they look like they could breathe The outside shell — the dress — is
In order of importance, these guide- fire? Do they look like the nostrils of sometimes indicative, too. It isn't so
posts are: some wild, savage being — or the nos- much what it is, but how it’s worn.
1. Nostrils.
trils of a prim, proper prude? For the The amateur wolf immediately as-
nostrils are the best key to the woman; sumes that a girl with a low-cut dress
2. Dress.
they cannot be masked or cosmetick- is automatically a wild one. Would
3.. Feet.
ed; they are what nature put there. that it were so! But note for signs of
4. Figure.
And the ones that look like they could embarrassment — the continual tug-
5. Eyes.
breathe fire are the ones you want. ging upward around the bodice, the
6. Hands. who
They are hooked on to a girl donning of a shawl or scarf “because
7. Friends. could breathe fire. it’s a little chilly,” the desire to sit in

Let's look at these — the so-called Of course, this takes practice. The a dark corneraway from bright lights.
“Saving Seven" — individually. firstfew times you may think you've show a girl who's somewhat
All these
1 . Nostrils. This may seem strange, spotted a fire-breather and wind up ashamed of her bare flesh; chances are
to the uninitiated. You may well ask, with a girl who isn’t so hot. As ex- Mama made her wear it in the hopes
“Who looks at a tomato's nostrils?” amples for study, consider the nostrils she could snag off a husband.
Well, the answer is simple — the In- of such notorious fire-breathers as On the other hand, there is the girl

dians look at a girl’s nostrils. And did Loren, Ekberg. Monroe, Bardot. in the same kind of dress, but who ob-
you ever see a blue Indian? They're Those are fine, upstanding, fire- viously revels in its sparse material,
always with girls. breathing nostrils. who delights in showing off her curves.

62
who displays eagerly what she's got.
That's the one for you!
There's also a subtle relationship
between a availability and the
girl’s

color of the dress she chooses. Even

she may aware of this, but ask
not be
any good psychologist and he’ll tell
you this is so. Cool colors — blue,
green —indicate a cool personality.
Warm colors — red, yellow — indicate

a warm personality. A girl who wears

a red skirt and blue blouse is obviously
split down the middle. Depending on
which half warm, you're in business.
is

3. Feet. Only the true expert pick-

up picker notices feet. It's rather dif-
ficult to use this guidepost, but, if you
once fathom its tricky meaning, you'll
find it infallible. In fact, there are some
veterans in the trade who swear by feet

as the best way of separating the Wills

from the Won'ts.
It is simply this: a girl with flat feet,

or aching feet, is one who spends too love, sex anatomy, sex hygiene, incompe-
much time vertical and not enough tence, protection against disease, diet for sex power, exercises for virility, birth
time horizontal. Who. after all, wants control, bad habits, excessive abuse, courtship and marital compatibility? When
a girl who's always standing up? You you fail in sex you lose everything. Ignorance and shameful errors can ruin your
want one whose feet don’t take too life. Avoid them through knowledge! Here are 5 frank and completely revealing

much of a beating. sex books, explaining thoroughly the mechanics of man's most natural and primi-
tive function SEX. Read them.
That is the truth. The problem is
. . .

how to find out if a girl has flat feet.

One cannot go up to a girl and say.
"Hey, there, miss, how goes it with
your feet?" One has to be more subtle.
One good approach is to say, “Hey
there, miss, you look like you could
use a rest — your feet must be killing
you — let's sitthis one out.” If she

agrees that, yes. her feet are killing

her, beat a hasty retreat. If she says,
no, her feet don't hurt, you've got
yourself a date.
4. Figure. Too many men put all

their reliance and trust in a girl's fig-

ure. If she's full-blown and curva-

ceous, they immediately assume she's
a sex-pot. Nothing could be more er-

roneous. A girl's figure is something

nature gave her; her mind and per-
sonality are her own creations. They
arc completely independent entities.
You'll find some girls whose figures
would make Gina Lollobrigida look
8
like Rory Calhoun. And yet they are 8
as frigid as the North Pole on T uesday 8
night. Other girls, who are built along
the general lines of Wally Cox. can be
as warm and inviting as a tropical

summer night. So there's no relation-

ship between figures, as such, and

 Wedding and
Engagement. Nothing.
Brass knuckles. Run for your very
life.

Elks or Masonic You're in the

ring. wrong hall.

For practical purposes, all Fife’s

Table can do for you is point out that
an engaged girl is generally a poor risk.
She is in the first flush of romance and
ordinarily
7. will be negative. Some
purists also prefer to skip married
women, as indicated by the presence
of wedding rings. Others consider them
open invitations. Here you'll have to
satisfy yourself.
Friends. Judge a girl by those
with her. This is almost infallible. If

your target and her cronies sit primly

in the corner, knitting or gossiping,
steer clear. These are old maids in
their formative stage.
If, on the other hand, they’re having
a ball, drinking and telling off-color
stories, come closer and check the
other signs.
As you get older, and have less time
to waste, you may find it valuable to
"I just hope you haven't taken any of your silly tranquilizer pills tonight!" apply all the preceding six guideposts
6.
to your target’s friends, too. Chances
are if her friends also sail through the
availability — you may find a 39-20-35 But, nevertheless, eyes that have no tests with flying off-colors, you've hit

babe
5. a misfit, while a 28-23-27 gal expression will indicate a dull, pas- pay dirt. You might even bring some
measures up. sionless girl. In when you
other words, friends for her friends, almost guaran-
But there is one tipoff on the desir- see passion in an expression, it may teeing them a profitable evening.
ability that can be used, based on form or may not mean anything; when you Suppose your target passes all the
and figure. And that is what experts see a complete lack of passion, it other tests, but her friends are obvi-
call the "Hip Constant." Much scien- DOES mean what you see. ously thuds? Well, there is just the
tific research has proved that if there This, then, is a negative guidepost. barest chance that she is one of those
is less than six inches difference be- You can rule out plenty of females girls who knows her weaknes, is afraid
tween the waist measurement and hip by quickly dropping the ones without of it. and thus surrounds herself with

measurement, the girl is bound to be a passionate look. If you do see such thuddy friends — much like buffer
hard to pick-up. In other words, a 34- a look, you must continue your in- states — in an effort to ward off the
24-34 figure is fine, but a 34-29-34 is vestigations. inevitable. So you might proceed with
danger. Hands. Again, this is a negative your attack. There is also the chance
It is often difficult to establish these guidepost. It helps to eliminate a lot that she is one of those freaks who,
figures, but there’s no end of fun try- of poor risks. even though she passes all the tests,
ing. The research, in itself, can be It is the rings on the hands which really is a thud at heart and belongs
satisfying. concern us. Or the lack of rings. There with her friends. You’ll have to weigh
As noted earlier, eyes can
Eyes. is a little table, prepared by Duncan the risk in your own mind and take
be tricky things. They often can look Fife, an eminent man in the field of your chances accordingly.
one thing, mean another. So use this statistical romance, which can be of Suppose your target flunks the other
guidepost only with the greatest of help here; six tests, but her friends all pass them?
care. Better pick one of the friends.
Sometimes, a pair of eyes can look Ring Presence Meaning Those, then, are the saving seven.
so inviting and express so much pas- No rings at all. Nothing. Use them wisely and you’ll be a better
sion you want to take off your shoes Engagement ring and happier man.
and dive into them. And, when you get only. Stay away, Joe. And, if all else fails, the test su-
there, you find you’re inside a dust Wedding ring preme remains — ask somebody who's
bowl. only. Nothing. been out with her. i —
64
 All Well Served
(Continued from page 47 1

“That I believe, but at any rate he company. He is much obliged to you Jehannette to talk to you. and will go
has been all alone for more than two for having sent me. and if he often had to my chapel.”
hours. It must be very lonely. I beg to wait he would like to have me talk Monseigneur was satisfied, and
you, my dear, to go back to him again to him to pass the time. And faith, I Madame went off at a full gallop to her
and make excuses for me, and stay should like nothing better for he is the friend the Knight, who received her
with him. May the devil take the peo- pleasantest man I ever talked to. with great joy. and the honor that he
ple who keep me here!” Heavens knows that it was good to did her was to tumble her down sev-
“I will do what you please, Madame, hear him curse the folks who detained eral times.
but it seems to me that he loves you you. All except Monseigneur. He But whilst Madame was thus oc-
so much you have no need to make
that would say nothing against him.” cupied. her husband begged Jehan-
excuses. Also, if I go you will have Faith! I wish that he and all his nette. who was keeping him company
no maid here, and perhaps Monseig- company were in the river, so that I to grant him her favors. By his prom-
neur may ask for me and I shall not could get away." ises and fine words the maid was in-
be available.” due time Monseigneur sent his
In duced to obey, and once again she
“Trouble not,” said the lady. “I will servants away, retired to his chamber, found this sport not unpleasant.
manage if he asks for you. But it vexes undressed and went to bed. Madame, Having had his will several times.
me that my friend should be alone. Go clad only in a petticoat, put on her Monseigneur began to feel weary and
and see what he is doing, I beg.” nightdress, took her prayer-book and told the lass to retire to her own bed-
“Since you wish it, I will go.” said began to say her psalms and pater- chamber, under the eaves.
the maid. nosters. Meanwhile Madame, having en-
That she was pleased with her er- gaged in all kinds of pleasant games
rand need not be told, though to con- with the Knight, remembered that
ceal her willingness she had made ex- Monseigneur was still awaiting her.
Before going to war soy a pray-
cuses to her mistress. She came to the She kissed her lover tenderly for the
er; before going to sea say two
Knight, who was still waiting, and said last time that night, sent him on his
prayers; before marrying say
to him: way, and galloped back to her hus-
three prayers.
“Monseigneur. Madame has sent band.
— Proverb
me toyou again to make her excuses "I have finished saying my prayers,"
for keeping you waiting so long, and she told him. "and I am now ready to
to tell you how vexed she is.” do your bidding."
“You may tell her.” said he, “that But Monseigneur, who was as wide But Monseigneur was so weary that
she may come at her leisure, and not awake as a rat, noticed how pretty his
he could hardly keep his eyes open.
to hurry on my account, for you can wife looked. He was anxious for a lit-
“You said your prayers at such
take her place.” tle conversation and wished Madame
length tonight." he murmured, “that I

With that he kissed and cuddled to put off saying her prayers till the
her. and did not suffer her to depart
now desire only to go to sleep. Let us
morrow.
he had tumbled her twice, which both do so."
till “Pardon me,” she replied, “but I

was not too much trouble for him. for cannot talk to you now. My prayers “Very well," said Madame. Since
he was young and vigorous, and fond come first. Nothing would go right in she too was weary from the sport, she
of the sport. the house all week if did not give I
had only proposed indulging her hus-
The maid bore it all willingly, and God what little praise can.” I band out of politeness, and was indeed
would have been glad to have the same "What is the use of saying ail those glad she could now rest peacefully.
luck often, if she could without preju- prayers," mumbled Monseigneur. She climbed into the big feather
dice to her mistress. Leave that business to the priests. So bed beside Monseigneur, turned her
When she was about to leave, she come to me, my beloved. Am I not
back to him. and in no time they were
begged the Knight to say nothing to right. Jehannette?" he added, address-
in deep slumber.
her mistress. ing the maid.
When the moon peeked in through
“Have no fear,” said he. “Monseigneur, ” she replied, “I do
Then she returned to her mistress the window, it illuminated the smiling
not know what to say, except that as
who asked what her friend was doing? Madame is accustomed to serve God. faces of both Monseigneur and Ma-
"He is still awaiting you.” the maid let her do so." dame who appeared to be having
replied. “There, there," said Madame to her pleasant dreams.
“But is he not vexed and angry?” husband. "I see well that you want to And up in the room under the eaves,
inquired the lady. argue and wish to finish my prayers, the fair maid was smiling too in her
—
I

“No.” said the maid, “since he had so we shall not agree. I will leave sleep. j

65
 Be A Playboy On $50.00 Per Week!
(Continued from page 7)

— once again just suppose — she did the above mentioned items and he and on the bonnet (that’s hood in
slip our hero a flashing smile and a could have done it on no more than British ) of an MG. but those were rare

come hither look. Would Mr. Average $50.00 per week. cases. Comfort is still one of the larg-
Joe return the smile, haul out a gold Just a little research and fifty bucks est contributing factors in the game of
cigarette case, offer her a perfumed per week takes for any guy to
is all it love. So if you want to be a playboy
Turkish cigarette and ask her if she’d bat in the same league with any play- you've got to have a presentable play-
like to go for a spin in his sports car? boy in the world. ground to bring your playmate to.
Would he suggest an intimate French Yes, even you, dear reader, could So much for your apartment. Now
dinner with candlelight and wine? do it! let’s take up the matter of transporta-

Would he propose that they pop over Now when we say $50.00 per week tion. Since you’re working on a bud-

to his apartment and listen to the hi-fi we assume that you are the “Average get taxi cabs are out of the question.

while he concocted a curry in the Joe” who makes somewhere in the You’ve got to have a car. A sports
kitchen? neighborhood of $100.00 per week; car. Now don't get excited. Ever hear

No! we also assume that after normal liv- of a playboy driving a Chevrolet? Be-

He’d do none of those things. ing expenses are deducted you still have sides, used sports cars cost no more
Chances are that when he ogled the the aforementioned $50.00 for nothing than American cars. And the beauty

Gardner’s daughter his jaw would hit but purposes of pleasure. And, we fur- of a used sports car is the fact that
his knees, his eyes would boinnnng! ther assume, that you’re willing to they look just like the newer models.
out of his head and instead of suggest- spend it on just that. A 1951 Jaguar, for instance — to the
ing a jaunt in his Jaguar, he’d prob- But before we start cutting up your untrained eye — doesn’t look any dif-
ably stand there making noises like a pleasure-bent fifty let’s take a look at ferent than a 1955 or a 1958 model.
ferry boat with a muted foghorn on a that practical fifty. With this you have As far as paying for it is concerned,
stormy night. to pay your bills. Your rent, your food, well,if you are really an Average Joe

And therein lies the trouble with your clothing, your car, your tele- you already own a car on which you
Mr. Average Joe. He just doesn’t have phone, and all such jazz. And, since are making monthly payments. So,
the wherewithal. He couldn’t offer the you’ve got to pay these billsno mat- just turn in the old and purchase the
doll a perfumed Turkish cigarette be- ter what, we suggest that you make new, making sure that the payments
cause he wouldn’t have one and, this fifty work for you also. are no higher than the ones you’re al-

chances are, wouldn’t have the re- To begin with, your apartment. ready making. That way the sports car
motest idea of where to get one. He Now the neighborhood in which you costs you nothing. Oh, it may take a
couldn't take her for a ride because live doesn’t make a helluva lot of dif- little longer to get it paid up but that
his crash and carry convertible would ference. (Some well known playboys will be more than worth the effort the
not be presentable enough for a peas- have digs in the worst sections of the first time the reigning town beauty
ant much less a princess. The only city) but the inside of your apartment climbs into it and coos. “Oh Boswell,
French food he’d have even a nodding does make a big difference. It’s got to I think your little car is simply deee-
acquaintance with would be French be comfy, cozy and conducive to vine!”
fries. Candlelight he’d use only when capers. It doesn’t have to be lavishly What you wear in this business of
he forgot to pay the light bill and as and expensively decorated but it being a playboy your own business.
is

far as inviting the gal up to the apart- should be done with taste. Paint is Just bear in mind, however, that quiet,
ment is concerned, well, the joint cheap. So are drapes if you choose the conservative clothes look expensive
would probably look like a backdrop right materials. Expensive looking even if they are not. (And you can
for Tobacco Road and, no doubt, the furniture can be bought reasonably always rip out the inexpensive label.

only food he’d be able to whip up and a record player — it doesn’t have And now that we’ve got that prac-
would be pork and beans and instant to be a hi-fi — is de rigueur. If you can’t tical fifty pretty well taken care of,
coffee. afford to purchase one for cash buy let’s start cutting up the pleasure-bent-
What we are trying to say is simply it on time. half-a-C-note.
this. Since the Average American We stress a neat, comfortable apart- Like everything else being a play-
thinks it costs plenty of pesos to be a ment because that fifty you spend on
boy takes preparation. And, as there
playboy he just gives up. He quits. He being a bon-vivant will be completely
are certain requisites necessary to
takes second best and makes do. wasted if you’ve got no place to take
being a sophisticated man-about-town
Well, he doesn’t have to! a maid once you’ve got her in the
your first week’s supply of cash will be
He doesn’t have to because any guy mood. Sure, guys have been known
possessing the normal amount of fea- to make out in vestibules and hallways, spent acquiring the following:

tures, appendages and intelligence in garden swings and on scenic-rail- 1. A gold (filled) cigarette lighter.
could have offered Ava any or all of ways, in the back seats of Cadillacs (A playboy using a match is

66
 simply unheard of. )
Cost, about
$15.00.
2. A gold (filled) cigarette case.

Cost, about $20.00.

3. A gold (filled) key for the sports
car. Cost, about $6.00.
With these fancy items to flash
around any other jewelry you wear —
even if it’s solid brass — will be taken
for granted to be gold.
Anything left from this fifty should
be spent on miscellaneous items like
"off brand” imported cigarettes — if

your local tobacconist doesn't carry

them a short letter to Nat Sherman,
New York City, will bring you a com-
plete catalogue.
It's also advisable, though not en-
tirely necessary — to have exotic foods
in your kitchen. Things like bumble-
bees in honey. Rattlesnake Pate, choc-
olate covered grasshoppers. Sauteed
ants, and the like. You don’t have to
eat the damned things but it does make
quite an impression — while bending
over a hefty honey and staring down
her low cut bodice — to say, “Care for
a creamed antelope tail. My dear?”
Your second week as a playboy will
be spent strictly in research. So will
the second fifty. You’ve got to know
the intimate restaurants that serve
good food along with candlelight and
wine, at reasonable prices. So it fol-
lows that you’ve got to hustle your
hindquarters and find them. If you live

in or around a big city this shouldn’t

be too difficult. If you live in the sticks

— move!
In searching out your cellars of as- tles” served to the accompaniment of Once you find one or two bases of
signation scout places ten or fifteen violins can be purchased for as little operation, make your presence known.
miles outside the city limits. Even fifty as $2.50 per person. These joints serve Single out the maitre d’, give him your

miles isn’t too far to go since that food cheap because they figure to make name, tell him you’re expecting guests
sports car you're driving will eat up their money on drinks. So, be smart. and will be at the bar. If he’s any good
the distance in no time at all. When you give the waiter your cock- at his job he’ll remember you. And the
We suggest out of town places be- tail order give him your dinner order next time you come in with a cuddly
cause : 1 ) you a good chance
it gives too. This way you won’t have time for cutie clinging to the crook of your
to show off your machine (that’s sports more than one drink before the appe- arm he’ll be sure to say, "Oh good
car talk for sports car), 2) it’s a well tizer. If, however, your date finishes evening Mr. Snodgrass (If your name
known fact that dolls just love to drive her drink before dinner is served and happens to be Snodgrass good to see
) .

in the moonlight in an open car with asks for another just look disdainfully you again.”
the wind blowing thru their hair and, down your nose and say something Being known by headwaiters al-
3) while you’re driving you aren’t like. "My dear, are you sure you want ways makes quite an impression.
spending a dime. another, we’re having wine with din- While scouting the restaurants it’s
Now we come to the question of ner, you know!” also a good idea to find a few good
prices. In New York, where the stand- Unless she’s a crawling-up-the-walls drinking places too. Places with dim
ard of living is probably as high as any alcoholic this will stop her in mid- lights, reasonable prices and cool
place in the country, there are plenty gulp. If she is a crawling-up-the-walls music to saturate the atmosphere.
of intimate French, Italian, Chinese alcoholic, what the hell are you doing There are lots of these but try to find
and sea food restaurants where “vit- buying her food, in the first place? one about ten or fifteen miles from
67
 an impression, but don’t cost a dime.
In most big cities, cocktail parties —
some of them real knock-down-drag-
out soirees — are thrown daily by large
corporations. These are usually held
in plush hotels and are not hard to find
as the hotels are always kind enough
to list any and
all activities on tell-tale

bulletin boards in their lobbies. And,

since most of the buyers and/or cus-
tomers and/or executives for whom
these parties are thrown come from all
over the country, it’s very easy for a
well-dressed playboy to sashay in with
his wench, and grab a hot hors
d’oeuvre and a cocktail. In between
gulps and bites he can convince his
date and any one who happens to be
interested that he’s the eastern distrib-
utor of the Sta-Sharp, Highly Honed,
Stainless Steel Heroin Needle. Matter
of fact, if he’s been doing his home-
work right the doll will convince herself
that he's one of the major stockholders.
Big weddings are also great for free-
loading. Half the people don’t know
the other half. The bride’s entourage
will think you’re one of the groom’s
friends and the groom’s friends will
think vice-versa.
You’ll note that in this Primer for
Poor Playboys we haven't touched on
the subject of how to meet a minx or
how to woo a wench once you’ve met
the restaurant. Remember, while you corded Violets For Your Furs you’d one. We haven’t because first it would
are driving you aren’t spending. And, be surprised at how many gals go for take a tome much larger than this one
another thing, after dinner it’s always them. The violets, that is. And you’d to go into all that, and second, we
a good idea to give the gal a little thrill. also be surprised at how cheap they figured that since you want to be a
That little bug you’re driving will do are). Remember all of the doll’s inex- playboy you must have a few play-
over a hundred so, open her up. Give pensive weaknesses and discard the mates of your own in mind.
the doll a bit of a scare. Make her expensive one. If you want to be a If you haven’t than what in hell are
pulse pound. Make her look upon you playboy you’ve got to act like one and you reading this for?
as a devil-may-care Romeo. She’ll love to act like one you've got to send pres- So now, if you’ve been paying at-
it.And, if all works well, by the time ents. Since you can’t afford diamonds tention, you’re all set for your first
you get to the intimate little cocktail or minks you’ve got to make a little conquest.
lounge she’s gonna think you are quite go a long way. Now when you think of playboys
a guy. Another thing: When it comes to your mind no longer conjures up
Now that you’ve got all the neces- tipping, take it easy. It’s the doll you images of guys like Tommy Manville
sary equipment and know all the right want to woo — not the waiter. Your or Rafael Trujillo, Jr., or Ali Khan
places there’s only a few more minor budget can't stand too much of a strain. or Rubirosa. Now you realize that
points to be observed. Don’t worry, When you talk about yourself hint playboys don't have to have a lot of
these things don’t cost a dime. at a wealthy family. Don’t say it in so money. And now, supposing, just sup-
When you take a doll wining and many words but get across the idea posing, you headed for the local bar
dining use the dinner time to find out that you’re a black sheep. Women love and found a real sweet, sophisticated
allyou can about her. What kind of cads. All you have to do is lie a little; tomato on the next stool. And suppos-
perfume she likes — (if it's one of the the doll will lie a lot to herself. Dames ing, just supposing, she flashed you a
more expensive varieties, forget it. If are suckers for romance. winsome smile and a come-hither
it’s cheap, file it away for when you Last, but far from least, we come to look.
want to send her a present). Find out the places you can go and the things Would you return the smile, haul
her favorite flower, (since Sinatra re- you can do that go a long way to create out a gold cigarette case, offer her a

68
perfumed Turkish butt and ask if she'd kitchen? when we take up the subject of the
go for a spin in your sports car?
like to You would! You most certainly playboy at home in his playpen.
Would you suggest an intimate French would!
If you have any trouble getting the
dinner with candlelight and wine? But what would you do after you
gal to wait that long, offer her a
Would you propose that you pop over finished eating the curry?
to your apartment and listen to the That, Mr. Average Joe. is another marinated mongoose molar and tell

hi-fi while you concocted a curry in the story. Read next month's installment her all about your wealthy family, i

Love For Rent

(Continued from page 31)

1 am your slave." bowed gallantly,

1 desk space, occasionally a plushy suite. peeled off for a quick getaway. Inside,
(the way Charles Boyer did long ago Their advertisements follow a line of. the owner of the well-baked voice
when a kid of forty-five. I only) and “Meet the mate of your dreams— digni- handed me a questionaire. “Fill this
hoped I wasn’t putting it on too thick. fied. confidential, memorable services out. please — then show you to I II

I wasn’t. Her false eyelashes flut- that may bring you lifelong happiness Mr. Forsythe.” As though were on I

tered like window shades captured by —introductions guaranteed— cheap!" exhibit.

the wind, and a million tiny cracks “Cheap" we’ll describe (some) of The form hadsame questions as the
appeared in the paint job as her mouth these operators— and I’m not talking of might an employment agency's appli-
formed what, fifteen years ago, would money. As for that, you'll pay from cation. At the bottom was a space
have been a smile. “Oh, how perfectly $50 to $200 for the works. This con- labeled: "What do you like? What are
perfect /” The voice was like the mouth sistsof a number of introductions to your hobbies?” wrote simply, “Girls."
I

—cracked. “1 just knew you’d be the people of “your own background, Mr. Forsythe proved to be a huge,
Continental type!" moods, personality— the
likes, dislikes, fleshy individual with a booming voice
Naturally she knew. She had asked kind of person you’d like to spend your and a lot of little red lines radiating out
for the Continental type. life with." from his nose. He didn't waste much
What she didn't know was that, only JEM's editor pointed his horn- time, although he did a mild double
the night before. I'd been the tough- rimmed glasses at me. “I understand take at that “Girls" I'd written on the
talking caveman type, and last week that the majority of those marriage application. I knew that any reputable
I'd been the sedate college professor brokerage' outfits are on the up and outfit purporting to protect its clients
type. Next week— who could tell? I up," he said. "I also know that some would certainly delve into this sort of
might get a crew cut and act like one ought to have a red light burning over hanky-panky. But Mr. Forsythe merely
of my own students. their doorway. What want to find out I chuckled slyly and winked, as one gay
No, I’m not a white slaver, a pimp is,what’s the average. Also, who goes old dog to another. “Well, fixing to
or a procurer. I'm not even an insur- to such places?" change your ways at long last, eh? De-
ance agent or a cop. I'm a writer. And “And,” 1 said, “you want me to be a cided to settle down, eh?"
I'm lucky when I have an expense guinea pig." grinned back and winked, like the
I

account big enough to satisfy six "Right. Give yourself several iden- gay old dog of 32 that am. and said. I

hungry dates in a row. Like now. tities. find out how much checking they “You know how it is — after a while
Here's the pitch: do. questions asked, so forth. Get a you sort of run out of gas. eh? I'm here
About two months ago the editor of general sampling of what the customer to refuel, so to speak."
JEM called and said. “I want you to can expect for his money." Mr. Forsythe's smile seemed a little
get married— practically. We ll make it I started to leave again, paused at strained by now. He said. “Now. re-
the lead story in the magazine.” the door. "What if one of my dates member. pal"— up until now it had
An hour later had the lowdown on
I decides that / am what she expects for been "Mr. Schmidt." now it was pal -
what was to be a very diverting assign- her money?" “we want to keep our spotless reputa-
ment, if you’ll pardon the understate- He grinned. “No matter what hap- tion with the police, so go easy, okay'/
"
ment. Here is what the editor told me: pens, don't charge it to your expense I mean, play is safe, right?
First of all. there exists throughout the account!" nudged him intimately and winked.
I

bigger cities a segment of society called I got to work the very next day. “Right, pal. I’ll be a regular little old
"
Marriage Brokers. personally think
I In the afternoon 1 called Social Intro. Lord Fauntleroy
this is a charitable term, but since the Inc. which is situated in midtown Man- I left. "It may take a while to line
connubial brokerage business is a legit- hattan and whose name is not quite up something suited to your tastes."
imate one. can’t use my choice of
I that. A routine voice answered; made I Mr. Forsythe said at the door, "but in-
terms on pain of law suit. Anyway, the an appointment. An hour later I side of afew days, we’ll have some-
marriage brokers work this way. They climbed two flights of rickety stairs. ting for you, don’t worry."
set up an office -often a hole in the The lettering on the frosted glass door His gal Friday gave me a call early
wall, sometimes only a telephone-and- looked like Scotch tape that could be that very evening. "Maybe this is too

69
 ” I

sudden, Mr. Schmidt,” she said, “but
I just happened
lady’s file, and —
Two hours later 1 was at the third
floor walkup of a Miss Rita Baron.
Miss Baron, according to the short
dossier given me by the gal Friday,
was 36, an inch taller than I, had the
physical endowments desired by me,
and loved all manner of sports.
She opened the door. “Come in, Mr.
Schmidt! They called up about you.
Goodness, I’ve not even a chanct ’a
her that sad, plus the fact that she pattern for 70 percent of them. The
to come upon this knew was there on business. Mine,
1 nicer ones. Yes, 1 must admit that the
not hers. “Look at it this way. I’m no majority of those who frequent the
chicken anymore, right? It’s pretty dingy stairways and holes in the wall
tough for me to meet anybody, and 1 of the brokers are, above all. decent
refuse to be a charwoman or maid, by people. Loneliness is not a vice; shy-
God. So I pay a couple of those bums ness is not a crime; and the desire to
fifty bucks. Then send me enough guys love and be loved is not something to
— no questions asked — to keep me jeer at. These people are invariably
short on one or both of these two
out of the grave for awhile longer. Most
of the guys are at least as old as I am. things — looks and courage. Always
They want attention, a little sympathy, courage. They have had a rough child-
a little listening to. They want some- hood, in most cases, been laughed at
body to tell them they’re not really for their skinniness, fatness, faulty

dress yet! You won’t mind waiting a failures — that they just didn’t get the complexion, big nose — something that
brief while, will you, honey?” breaks. Most of them know the truth, arouses the jibes of the unfeeling. Since
but it helps if they’re told a lie, ’spe- they also lack courage, they turn the
I was thankful that I’d had the fore- ciallyif you can do it so it sounds sin- jibes inward, like stilettos, to pene-
sight to down two martinis at dinner cere.” Rita laughed shortly. "1 can do trate their already deflated little egos.
instead of the one. It gave me the cour- it. 1 been doing it to myself for twenty The tiny explosion that results leaves
age to walk through that door. For years now.” She looked up. “You them, at maturity — physical maturity
Miss Baron was indeed 36 — around sure you don’t want to stay awhile — pretty sad replicas of human beings.
the waist.As for her age, it must have longer, honey? You’re the youngest Once in a great while they make it
approached 50 — or gone right past it. man I’ve talked to for six months.” good, because of a talent that even
She was an inch taller than I — when they cannot deny. These, who are not
She was still wearing the bath robe.
1 stood on tiptoe. She was quite right failures financially and economically,
about not having had time to dress.
As though trained for its job, it fell
are perhaps the saddest of all.
open at that point. Rita didn’t move a
She’d barely had time to throw on her
dressing gown — bath robe, if you pre-
muscle. 1 patted her hand. "Good luck, About forty percent of these essen-
Rita.” 1 slipped a ten-spot between her tially unhappy people marry. Some of
fer. An ill-fitting thing, the garment
fingersand then I left her there, sitting them — but not many. I’m sure — work
hung loosely about her long limbs and
sagged scandalously in the front. She
on the bed. She didn’t look up as I out well. A marriage born of misery
closed the door. She was pouring her- rarely rises far above that state. Not
kept pulling it up with nervous little
self the last of the gin. for long.However, for the level-headed
movements that were completely inef-
few who know exactly what they want
fectual. Mysecond Social Intro was quite
and have decided that a marriage
different. suppose it was more typical
1
I sat down. 1 had to. Miss Baron broker is the only place they'll find it,
of the mass of poor, simple, compli-
asked if I’d like some tea — or maybe it sometimes works. Because they will
cated, lonely, bereaved, empty and lost
a drink. I made a bet with myself that be content to wait for someone who’s
souls that give the marriage brokers
the only thing she would have in the just as level-headed as themselves.
house would be gin. was right.
their reason for existence.She was an
I

ex-school teacher now working as a How, 1 asked each of the marriage

As she dressed in the only other secretary for a ball bearing manufac- brokers I applied to, is business? In
room, I sipped my gin and water. A turer. Her name was Millicent ( either jovial or somber tones, depend-
moment later, could
Rita — I felt 1 swear it! ) Pennybartch ( changed that I ing on their sensibility, they admitted
call her Rita by now, or even Mabel, one slightly) and she was a chunky that business was fine. At two places
or Sadie, or Marge — stuck her head little hunk of plain forgetability. I spent 1 didn’t kidaround with any false iden-
into the doorway. There was enough, about ten hours with Millie, and if 1 tity. One of the brokers clammed up at
beside her head, for me to see that she were to meet her on the street tomor- once, obviously scared to death of
was not yet dressed. Apparently, all row 1would not recognize her. I hope publicity. The other, one of the better
she had done was remove the robe. not, anyway. ones, was quite frank. This Mr. Semple
“Since past dinnertime, Mr.
it’s confessed that he didn't brag to his
Schmidt, suppose we don’t go out any- Unlike Rita, this one was no hard- neighbors about what he did from nine
where. Maybe we could spend the ened pro. She was strictly a man-hun- to five.
gry little dame who had been short-
evening here at home, nice and quiet
changed in the looks and guts “However,” he went one (he was a
and cozy. We can watch TV or some-
departments. She had no looks, that far cry from Mr. Forsythe), “I've
thing — huh?”
is, and she didn’t have the guts to make
done some soul-searching and I’ve
Well, men, 1 don’t want to draw out the most of what she did have. She was drawn some conclusions. Ten years
the whole agonizing affair. Enough to a lot higher, socially, than Rita. When ago was a camp director; it was a
1

say that I hung around for about an she finally gets her husband which — camp for young adults, in the Adiron-

hour. The most important thing I got I’m sure she’ll do — she will become a dacks. Some of the things 1 saw go on
out of Rita was the answer to why she pillar of her little patch of middle class there made even me pretty ill, and I’m
paid $50 to a marriage broker. society. not the squeamish type. 1 finally made
the rules so strict hardly anybody
By this time she was sad enough to She was so typical of the marriage would come to the camp. I had to sell
be frank about it. A pint of gin made brokers’ clients that she could be the out. What else could I go into at my

70
age. 55? was either starve or use my
It

head. Being an extrovert. I hit upon

The Blonde in the Bedroom
this racket. Believe me, all you need to (Continued from page 60)
get started is a two-by-four office, a
telephone, a string of ads in the papers
and cheaper magazines, and a tough It had stopped snowing the next I saw that she was upset, ready to
stomach. Now — to keep going, that’s
morning when our landlady came in burst into tears. I felt ashamed of my
another thing! A lot of people start,
to open our windows. A sparkling sun unkindness.
only the hardier ones make a success
was gilding the slopes of the Arlberg. “I’m very sorry,” I said, “that I
of it.”
“Good weather has returned,” the stopped you this morning . .
.”
“What.” I asked, “is the sine qua Austrian woman said happily. “The I was really sincere and she realized
non of success as a marriage broker?”
tracks to Vienna have been cleared.” it.
He knew what sine qua non meant, a
point in his favor.
“Then to Zurs also?” asked Mile. “That’s all right. It doesn’t matter.
Sleepens. We have our whole life before us,”
“The tough stomach. That plus an “Certainly, Madame.” she said, softly.
endless —
and believable — gift of gab. seemed me was
It to that the girl I wanted her to forgive me com-
plus — ” He waved a hand as though
not reacting to this news with as much pletely.
erasing a word from an invisible black-
joy as would have been justified. She “Before we take leave of each other,
board. “No — those are important, but
I think the most essential thing is a
glanced at me with a look that was may offer you something to drink?”
1

knowledge of people. You've got to somewhat furtive, a little ironical, a She accepted, and although she was
know your man — or woman. You’ve little compassionate. As soon as the generally sober, gulped down several
got to know what makes people — these landlady had left she started to get glasses of champagne. Instead of rais-
more unfortunate types of people — dressed. ing her spirits, the wine seemed to
tick. This way, you can lead them on, This time did not turn away but
I make her pensive. She
seemed touched
you can get their hundred bucks, you watched this was the
her, thinking that by my attentiveness.
can find their match, and you can keep was
last time I to see this beautifully I did not get her drunk, believe me.
them on the string.
sculptured body. All of a sudden she In fact, the wine that she did drink had
“No, my
conscience doesn’t kill me. let down her long hair and it cascaded no bearing on her decision except,
It bothers me, sometimes, but it doesn't over her nude shoulders. From this perhaps, to hasten it. She made it as
kill me. If it did I'd be back at the sum- hair, from her skin there came an in- the hotel manager came over to us.
mer camp. The really hopeless cases, I toxicating perfume. I breathed it in
“I now have a room available right
assure you, I try to persuade to go deeply.
here if you're interested.” he told us.
elsewhere.”
At lunchtime, as she was about to “We'll think about it,” I said.
Mr. Semple knit his brows thought- go to the phone booth, I detained her:
When he left, I took the hand of
fully. He was about to give out with “Doesn’t your fiance have the phone
the forsaken Judy. “What have you
the crux of his argument. “These poor number of your hotel?” decided to do?” I squeezed her strong
souls,” he said slowly,and with real She seemed surprised. “Of course white hand gently as if to control her
compassion, “are doomed, most of he has. I gave it to him the first day.”
answer — at least, let her know, now, I
them, to the most unhappy future pos-
“It would seem to me that it's his what / wanted to do. if she had any
sible — a future without love. 1 know turn to call you.” doubt!
I can't change that future in more than
She thought it over.
She hesitated for a long time as she
a few scattered cases. But can at I

least hold it back for a little while. Or

“You’re right. Besides, he may al-
looked deep into my eyes. “I leave it

I can put a thin coat of pretty paint ready be on his way here.” up to you.” Her voice was low. almost
on it. Or can put a curtain in front of
I And she came with me to the table. a whisper.
it. In other words, if were not around, That afternoon she packed her bag.
I
I knew. Gladly, trying to keep m>
some of these people might be even No news from the fiance. At dinner- eagerness to myself, 1 said, “I'd hate
more unhappy. It’s this thought that time there had been no phone call
still to leave that room where we’ve been
keeps me going."
from Zurs. The Flemish girl was nerv- so happy.”
learned something about human
I
ous. After the meal she went back to She averted her gaze and blushed
beings on this assignment. I learned the phone booth. slightly. “Me, too.”
about a few who weren't, too. But most Upon her return she looked at me We did not leave it. We remained
of all I learned that, so long as most strangely. “He's taken the five o’clock in Saint- Anton for another week. Not
of the marriage brokers feel the way express.” once did we speak about her fiance.
Mr. Semple does —
and I think that
“To come here?” There was no need to speak. Because
they do — then for the most part they
are performing a
“For Brussels. An urgent business that very night — a night that began
needed service for a
certain strata of society. They will have matter has come up.” early — we moved the beds to a differ-
to continue their services — until we “He’s going to make a very sober ent position. We placed them side by
have enough psychiatrists to go husband,” Isaid. “None of this pleas- side. Which is how they should have
around. ure before business.” been in the first place. — j

71
 —

^Yhy Mr. Smith ... I ought to slap your face!''

The Trouble With Women . . .

(Continued from page 59)

In the old days, a woman was al- screen about their activities. What a shopping — well, it surely does take a
ways ready to do something useful if tough day they had! First they drive lot out of a woman to pick up the
she had a little time on her hands. hubby to the station. Then it’s quite phone, order the groceries, and then
Knit, or crochet, or pull the plough, a lot of trouble to take off blouse and take the long walk to the door when
or something constructive like that. slacks and go back to bed for a snooze. the delivery man arrives.
Now, she wants a floor show if she has And housework! Telling the maid And cooking, too. That’s tough. The
only a short wait between trains. She where to dust is simply exhausting. meat is put in the oven until it turns
smokes, she buys a book which she Turning the switch on the dishwasher brown. The vegetables are put in hot
doesn’t read, she paces, she telephones is really tough going, too. And as for water until they're soft. The dessert is

people. One thing she simply cannot kept in the icebox, just as nice as when
do, and that is to wait. she bought it out of the freezer at the

Same thing on dates. Wottle we do supermarket.

NOVELIST'S CONFESSION
to-night? You may have thought that Do you actually know a woman who
being together was going to be fun After Thomas Moore has kept at any one thing over a period
enough. Hell, no. Point one: you gotta of time? She’ll move furniture that a
have a car to take her somewhere, gang of 300 pound men would balk
preferably at quite a distance. Point The time I've spent in wooing at — but she won't even put your shirts
two: you gotta be dressed up so that
In watching and pursuing in your drawer in such a way that the
the joint can be expensive and you collars won’t roll back when you open
The light that lies
won’t disgrace her. Point three: some- it. She'll write you one letter a mile
thing's gotta be happening there, start- In women's eyes long, and never again allude in any
ing with a juke box and ranging all the way to the thousand and one things
Kept me my nails a-chewing.
way to a floor show and roulette wheel. that were mentioned in it and need
Though trouble they have
The point being that women are really further discussion.
empty up there. Floor shows were in- brought me. It’s because women are fundamen-
vented to keep them busy. Men don’t tally lazy. They wear themselves out
And some have almost shot me.
really want to watch dancing and listen with an endless series of easy little

when Just take some looks but

to jokes they're with some doll tasks, and complain about it,

they want to talk to. But she does. Into this book. never, never will tackle one solid use-
Bless their greedy little hearts, they And see how much they've fuljob that might take a certain amount
have to be busy every minute — just of sustained effort, but with a good
taught me.
so long as it isn’t something useful. result in view. That they leave for the
They’re lazy. man — and save their own strength for
Women throw up a huge smoke telling him how to do it. i

72
The Inside Story of
"Those Books" You
Have Never Been
Allowed To Read!
AN UNHURRIED VIEW OF EROTICA]
xactly what ARE "those books” ilrcil Mcrric anil Delightsom Stories;
E that the worlds great libraries
keep behind locked doors? Why are
and many more! A few rare works,
like The Coy Shepherdess, are re-
". valuable contribution*
these Restricted Shelves open only to printed in entirety! In addition, you . .

to sexology." —Or. Reik

a few privileged persons? What is in
these books? Who
wrote them?
decides that a book should be kept un-
der lock and key? And why — in a free
society such as ours - shouldn’t the
adult reader be allowed to read the clas-
sics of erotic literature if
These - and hundreds of other ques-
tions you may have asked yourself —
are at last answered in AN UNHUR-
RIED VIEW OF EROTICA,
book in English with the basic facts
about erotic literature throughout the
world. You will learn about the fabu-
lous private collections owned by the
late J. P. Morgan and Dr. Kinsey. You
will be allowed to browse among the
hush-hush volumes found in the Vati-
can Library, the New York Public Li-
brary. the Library of Congress, the
British Museum and
Nationale.
AN UN H U R R ED VI EW OF EROT-
I
will learn how these volumes are bought
Who and sold, how many have been smug-
gled into this country illegally and
what fantastic prices they command! ". . . illuminating, witty!'
There is also a bibliography of 100 -Variety
choice titles of erotic literature.
he wants to? This is the book that the serious,
adult reader has been waiting for. For
"Side-splitting!"
a limited time onlv. vou may obtain
—New York Pott
copies of AN UNHURRIED VIEW
the first
OF EROTICA in the magnificent Con-
noisseur's Edition, beautifully bound
and gift-boxed, for the special low
price of only S4.95. The perfect holi-
day gift for that sophisticated friend
"who has everything"! Note: For a
limited time, we will send you two
copies (one for yourself and one for
giving) for the special price of only AN UNHURRIED VIEW OF EROTICA
S8.95. You may order as many pairs • hook written by Ralph Ginzburg
• introduction by Dr Theodor Kcik
at this price as you wish. Simply fill
the Bibliotheque
in the appropriate space in the coupon. • preface by George Jean Nathan
THE HELMSMAN SIO Maditeii Avenue. New York 72. N. Y.
PRESS. Suite 700.

ICA brings you lengthy excerpts,

descriptions and histories of such fa-
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73
 —
him. Another small fortune. About a
week after he began practicing 1

dropped on him. There was no one

in

in the room so I walked right

waiting
There was my son in
into the office.
the nude on the examining table with
another nude fellow. Did you ever
hear of anything worse?”
"Yes,” said Harry. “April.”
* * * *

There are four types of brassieres:

American, Salvation Army, Russian,
and Atomic.
The American bra makes moun-
tains out of molehills.
The Salvation Army bra raises the
fallen.
The Russian bra uplifts the masses.

And the Atomic bra has fifty per-

cent fallout.
* * * *

Employment Report
Cuties Inhibitionless
Are not long positionless.
* * * *

A lover’s spat? A lover’s pat?

Each arouses tit for tat.
* * * *

To suitor handsome, richly heeled.

The upright gal is prone— to yield.
* * * *

The old rooster was no longer able

to fulfill his barnyard duties and so
the farmer decided it was time to make
rTlHE mental patient in the Army taken.” a change. Young Rooster was a pretty
hospital thought he was a doctor. “With a daffodil?” said the orderly. nice bird andto Old apologized
Since he was harmless, the psychia- * * * *
Rooster for taking away from his job
trists decided to humor him. They gave There’s a small town in Texas that him. “That’s all right,” said Old
him a white coat and a stethoscope and had 176 inhabitants in 1930. In 1940 Rooster. But wonder if you’d do me
1

the patient happily went around diag- this figure had remained unchanged a favor?”
nosing the ailments of the other pa- and it was the same in 950. Recently 1 “What is it?” asked Young Rooster.
tients, the nurses, and anyone else he the census taker again found 176 in- “There are twenty six hens here and
happened to meet. habitants. The reason is that every they’ve always thought very highly of
One day a Colonel came in for his time a baby is born, some man has to me. When I leave 1 want to do so in a
annual checkup and mistook the pa- leave town. blaze of glory. So Iwant us to race
tient for a real doctor. “Take
your off * * * *
around the barnyard three times with
clothes,” said the patient, “and lie Business Note me staying just ahead of you. That
down on your stomach. First I’ve got Harry and Simon were talking over way those hens will think I'm still
to take your temperature.” their problems. “Business is terrible,” pretty good.”
The Colonel did as he was told and said Harry. “The January sales were Young Rooster agreed to this and
then the nut went on his way, soon so lousy had to go back ten years to
I
they started running madly around the
forgetting all about him. find such a bad month. February was
barnyard. Old Rooster in front and
A quarter of an hour later the even worse. I had to go back twelve
Colonel was still lying on his belly ana years. March was a real catastrophe.
Young Rooster at his heels. Just then

fuming because his “doctor” hadn't I had to go back twenty years to find the farmer came to the barnyard with
returned. A medical orderly walked a month that was so poor.” a friend. He saw what was going on
into theroom and asked the Colonel “You think you have worries?” said and shot Young Rooster dead. “It’s
what he was doing? Simon. “Listen to this. I put my son the damdest thing,” he said, “but this
“Can’t you see?” barked the Colo- through medical school. It costme a is the third queer bird I’ve had to get
nel. “I’m having my temperature fortune. Then I equipped an office for rid of this week.” *

74
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