THE INTP GANG

Tristan Foss

6/18/2021 -
INT. WHEREVER L WORKS
INT. WHEREVER L WORKS

L is sitting the way L sits.

L
Greetings, everyone. I am L. I am
grateful that each and every one of
you could join me today in this
little group called The INTP Gang.
This gang consists of me, Chiaki
Nanami, Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock
Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock
Holmes, April Ludgate, Daria,
Albert Einstein, H.P. Lovecraft,
TheOdd1sOut for some reason, the
Riddler, Mark Zuckerberg from The
Social Network, Anton Chigurh, Len,
a cherry doughnut, James Rolfe, and
on and on. But, um, Chiaki, we're
missing a few, aren't we?

CHIAKI
Are we?

L
Yeah. We're missing Yoda, that
blue-haired girl from HuniePop, and
Professor Layton.

CHIAKI
Well, first of all, Yoda's dead.

L
Not in this universe.

CHIAKI
Yoda's sleeping permanently, Nikki
is sleeping over at some guy's
place.

L
Gay.
CHIAKI
And the Professor is teaching
archeology to a class of ungrateful
university students.

L
Could you call all three of them
and tell them this is way more
important?

CHIAKI
 2.

CHIAKI
A group of people who joined based
on their MBTI type is more
important than a paying job?

L
I'm not one to frown upon any
intellectual concept but you can't
expect a group of eighteen to
twenty-two year olds to be
interested in archeology.

CHIAKI
If they chose it as a major they
should at least be somewhat
attentive.

L
But they aren't. And therefore, he
should bring himself and Yoda and
that girl with blue hair here.

CHIAKI
He should bring all three of them?

L
Sorry, I got carried away. He
should bring himself and you should
bring the other two.

CHIAKI
How am I going to do that?

L
I don't know and I don't care to
know. Get to it now.

CHIAKI
But-.

L
Bring them here and don't let me
know how you did it. Now, with that
out of the way, here I find myself.
Sitting in a chair, alone, without
an assistant. Deep;y saddening.
Almost as saddening as the death of
a loved one, like a butler. Or a
cat.

ANTON
You don't know what you're talking
about, do you?

L
 3.

L
What's that?

ANTON
I said you don't know what you're
talking about.
L
Anton, is something the matter?

ANTON
With what?

L
With anything, really.
ANTON
Is that what you're asking me? "Is
there something wrong with
anything?"

L
No. I asked you if there was
something the matter with anything.
A matter doesn't have to be wrong.
ANTON
What's the most you ever lost on a
coin toss?
L
I'm sorry?

ANTON
The most you ever lost on a coin
toss.

L
A coin.

Anton flips a quarter.

ANTON
Call it.
L
Fucking what?

ANTON
Just call it.

L
I don't really tend to do things
just because I'm told.
ANTON
 4.

ANTON
You need to call it. I can't call
it for you or it wouldn't be fair.

L
I didn't put anything up.

ANTON
Yes. You did. You've been putting
it up your whole life. You just
didn't know it. You know what date
is on this coin?
L
I don't believe so.
ANTON
Nineteen fifty-eight. It's been
traveling twenty-two years to get
here. And now it's here. And it's
either heads or tails, and you need
to say. Call it.

L
Okay, firstly, I haven't heard the
word "and" be used so many times in
a sentence since Michael Scott was
talking about his friendship with
Ryan in The Office. Secondly,
twenty-two years? It's twenty
twenty-one. How do you get twenty-
two years from 1958? So not only do
you suck at basic sentence
structure but you suck at math,
too. I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.

Anton just stands there eating peanuts.

L
You're a bit deaf, aren't you? I
told you to leave.

He stares, chewing his peanuts.

L
Take your sweet time.

CHIAKI
I'm back, L.

L
All right. What have you got for
me?
CHIAKI
 5.

CHIAKI
I managed to bring all three of
them, although Yoda is
unresponsive.
Cut to him dead on the ground.

L
And he smells.

CHIAKI
Yeah, because he's dead.
L
He's not dead. He's just naturally
smelly.

CHIAKI
No, he's definitely dead.
L
Chiaki, just because a character
dies in their respective property
doesn't mean they're dead in real
life. I died in Death Note and yet
I'm still here.
CHIAKI
Yeah, but, he died in Star Wars AND
in real life.
L
He did?

CHIAKI
Yeah.

L
When was this?

CHIAKI
Tell you the truth, I think he
might've died in the car ride on
the way over here.

L
That's disgusting.

CHIAKI
I don't disagree.
L
Then don't just stand there.
Dispose of his corpse.
CHIAKI
 6.

CHIAKI
Why do you always get me to do
these sorts of things?
L
Because I don't have an underpayed,
overworked high school Freshman to
do it for me, so get to it.

CHIAKI
Ugh, fine.
A beat.

L
So, uh, hello, you two.
NIKKI
Hey.

LAYTON
....

L
I see Layton is giving me the
silent treatment.

NIKKI
He's mad at you because you dragged
him out of his class for this.

L
Really? That's it? I thought I was
doing him a favor.

NIKKI
You were doing his students a favor
but apparently he really likes
teaching.
L
Well, isn't that sweet? And don't I
don't care? God, what a weirdo. So,
what do you do...?

L takes a bit to remember her name.

L
Nikki?

NIKKI
I play video games.

L
 7.

L
Professionally?

NIKKI
I wish.
L
But you are an adult, right?

NIKKI
Yeah.
L
And you're not homeless, right?

NIKKI
Yeah.

L
So you do something to make money,
right?

NIKKI
Yeah.

L
What precisely would that be?
NIKKI
I'm a barista.

L
You should've said that the first
time. Regardless, I'm happy to have
you here. And I'm happy to have
everyone here, for that matter, and
for the most part, I don't deny
their INTPness, but I am a bit
confused by one of the choices.

Cut to George Costanza sitting at a table.

L
Now, personally, I'm a huge fan of
George Costanza, but I've never
really considered him to be a quiet
thinker. Or a thinker at all, for
that matter, but regardless, I'm
willing to give him a chance.
George, make me an argument.

GEORGE
 8.

GEORGE
Important things go in a case!
You've got a skull for your
brain....

L
Yeah, you're doing well.
GEORGE
A plastic sleeve for your comb, and
a wallet for your money!

L
Well, that's very good, but I'm
still a bit confused. Perhaps you
can help me out. You've gone
through all this trouble to argue
to me why wallets are important,
going out of your comfort zone,
expressing yourself, and so on and
so forth, and yet, such a small
pile of sweat.
Cut to the floor with no sweat.

L
You're supposed to be an introvert.
Introverts fold like a cheap...
Thing that, you know, that folds
really easily. I'm kicking you out.
Goddamn extrovert. And where the
hell is Chiaki? CHIAKI! GET IN
HERE!

NIKKI
She, uh, died.

L
What?
NIKKI
She's dead.

L
She became a corpse disposing of a
corpse?
NIKKI
Pretty much.

L
...Unfortunate.

The end.