THE DEAD GUY sy ERIC COBLE DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE INC.THE DEAD GUY premiered at Curious Theatre (Chip Walton, Antstic Disector; Sara Rutstein, Managing Disecton) in Denser Colorado, opening on September 3, 2005. Ie was directed by Chip Walton; the set design was by Michael R. Duran; the costume design was by Emilee Cooper; the lighting design was by Shannon McKinney; the sound design by Matthew E. Morgan; and the videography was by Bryon Matsuno and Todd Webster. The cast ‘was as follows: GINA.... ELDON... DOUGIE . VIRGIL, SECURITY GUARD, LEON ROBERTA, WOMAN, SHEILA... CHRISTY, WOMAN, NANCY... CHARACTERS GINA YAWETH — a woman wich a premise, 30-405, ELDON PHELPS — a man with no premises whatsoever, 205. DOUGIE — a man who watches. ROBERTA PHELPS — Eldon's mother, 40s-50s. ‘VIRGIL PHELPS — Eldon’s brother, 20s~30s. CHRISTY MOLINE — Eldon’s ex-girlfriend, 20s. TWO WOMEN — girls who know how co have a good cime, SECURITY GUARD — a man who knows how to killa good time, NANCY — a harried pediatric doctor. LEON — an impressionable young nurse. SHEILA — an impressive older woman, PLACE ‘Various locations in the United States, ‘TIME Now.THE DEAD GUY ACT ONE A bare stage with pieces of fiariture representing different locations in the U.S. And there are two (or more) large TV ‘monitor facing the audience, Currently they sit darkly quiet. At rise: A woman in a nice skir, blouse and jacket, Gina, sis ‘at a bar table with a 20-year-old man in jeans, Tshirt and flannel shirt. This is Eldon. They both have beers. ad my eye on you for a while the bartender. I was asking about you just an hour ago. ELDON. But I wasnt here an hour ago. GINA. I was asking him if he thought you'd be in. ELDON. Me personally? GINA. How many Eldon Phelps are there in Leadville? ELDON. Just one. That I know about. GINA. Exactly. (Quietly smiles.) You've got quite a reputation in ELDON. Well, you know. Word gets around. GINA. Ie certainly does. (Beat. Eldon looks at her.) ELDON. You didnt talk to Jimmie Worley, did you? "Cause you ley’s mouth. ‘That whole thing abo id his mother’s Precious Moments figurines is total bullshit. He lies like a total lying sack of shit. GINA. [havent talked to Jimmie Worley. ELDON, He's a lying sack of shit This town is too sreposition for yu, DON. (Grins.) Cool. Yo 0 Tes preny cles ™? COO! You wane'to go back to my apartment? GINA. T dont — ELDON, 8 a lice pri BOON. And era le primo green left. I mean, there's not you know whee | poet, Week You know, but Pm willing to shane GINA. Thaes not what I mean. I want 19 help you. I know you've been going through a tough time, ELDON. ‘How'd you keen GINA. The people I've Kc che hardware eee.” ‘lked co, The bartender. Your cx-boss at ELDON, Heb a lying sack of shie. ELINA. I kow. Bue the fae is you were fied. Am T ti TADON. See, gotta ger a lawyer for hac Thane GINA. He claims you weren't ly discrim- ELDON, See, thats what I mean, Pe ooo I gee penaigad fap hat mean, Tm noe a morning person and GINA. He say Scheduled, 2* 20% Wet late eighteen ofthe twenty days you were ELDON, One ‘of thase times GINA ree ee ELDON. And two of those I was sick. It ony eee! Te was Monday. I get sick job’ Pct Youve been sick, you have no ca, you have no ELDON, What are You, with the coy about the primo weed. My aparemen gh fy apartment GINA. I'm nor with the police. Altho are about to be evict i " ELDON. T gotta gee a lawyer on that too. Do you know how many soon hind oF een you have o be before they can hea hn 2s the morning my car caught on fire, ‘Cause I was torally kidding ’s empty — you ask anys vugh from what I can tell, you » things aren't going well for you, 8 been a rough couple of weeks, yeah. to help you turn things around. ELDON. What. Like a lottery ticket? ELDON. Make Christy call to me agai. GINA. Who's Chris ELDON. My girlfriend. My ex-gielftiend. GINA. Good. What else? ELDON. Id be cool to be in a band again. Without Jimmies ‘mom having to drive us arous GINA. I mean the big big big picture. How do you want ro be remembered? ELDON. I don't know. GINA. What do you want people to say about Eldon Phelps one hundred years from now? ELDON, One hundred years? I don't know. GINA. Imagis ELDON. [d like ‘em to say, “Damn, man, he was one of the greats. He torally had it goin’ on.” GINA. And? ELDON. “The world’s a better place because of Eldon Phelps.” GINA. Yes! That’ what I wane to help you do. I want to help you ake the world a better place and have the name Eldon Phelps go down in history. ELDON. That doesn't sound too bad. GINA. It sounds phenomenal. And I'm going ro be the one to help you achieve it. T want to give you: ion. Dollars. To spend in any way you can dream of. (She pulls a signed check from ser purse and glides it in front of bir) ELDON. Youte shietin’ me. GINA. I can do it. One million in your pocket. Bur you have to spend ic all in one week. ELDON. I could spend ic in one day, dude! Right off, 'd replace all my Zeppelin CDs. GINA. It has to last seven days, And you have to let me film you spending it. ELDON. What?GINA. I produced ELDON. French GINA. The show about the five divorced i to fight ove one French hunk POP SS WHO BD 0 Pai ELDON. Wis thaca rity show? A real. And so is my new i cu aie = And so is my new one running right now. It’s ELDON. Good tite. GINA. A group of contestants have to t i ints have to try to tame wild animals oa Aliguos, pythons, leopards — the winner gets a mil- ELDON, And the losers get . INA. Stitcl ianic 's ci lil ‘d GINA. Sikhs. Mecanalegs.1tsno wong ou Ie wed ELDON. Jesus. GINA. But not because of the ies. Because N i of the ratings. ‘Were canking on Monday nights. That’ why I need you. oe ELDON. I don't do leopards, man. I'm, like, allergic to far — ue No leopards. Totally new show. The network's pulled the plug on Hang Pasig and I promised them Td come up with something to fil the las week. To be perfectly honest wi Eldot at or I'm out on my ass. a eae ELDON. I know the feeling, (A. And that’s why I need Eldon Phelps. Reality TV is on its +heezing and stumbling around blind, groping a for you eran wo ea ‘two million volts my friend. On our show... we how a totally ordi p average nice s ta break ssa “! ae wera ‘guy who's never caught a break |. But it has to be spent in one week? GINA. Seven days, sep ELDON. Whar. Like that’s the — what do you call ic — the ideas 's real. You need to understand thar. At the be legally obligated to truly, eally die. 10 GINA. Nor thae I'm aware of. But thar’s the offer. No death, « money. ELDON. But why — GINA. Hear me out, Eldon, hear me out. I picked 2 spot on th ‘map where I thought I'd find people having a hard time. Where Te find — for want ofa better word — losers. And I mean no offense by that. So I found Leadville. And when I arrived in Leadville yes- terday, I started asking around about people in the county per- ved, rightly or wrongly, as “losers.” And your name came up. A agree with. Nor at all. PL - jealous, narrow-minded Icheads who cant sce who you really ate, Eldon. And J am thanking God that I'm here to open their eyes. You have the per~ sonality, the charisma, the charm ... and I have the money. “Together we can blow this whole town — this whole country — ‘wide open. BUT. The only way I can give you this money is if get the ratings. And the only way I can get the ratings is to have some thing at stake, something never seen on any television, And that’s fa man who knows he only has seven days to live, but wants 10 go ‘out with the biggest parry, the most tears — someone about whom the world will say, “Damn, man, he was one of the greats, he had ie goin’ on! The world’ a bexter place because of Eldon Phelps!” ELDON. Yeah, but — :GINA. And I chose you, Eldon. Because, ler’ be honest, youre already at a dead end, am I right? In your heart, in your gut, you kknow itis not going to get any berter than this, You can either drag ‘yourself from day ¢o day to day to day like the living dead for the zest of your meaningless life, leaving nothing behind but bad mem- ies ..- oF you can go out like a supernova, shining light to lead ‘0 a better, brighter tomorrows. And have one hell of a time doing ELDON. But how would I die? GINA. We donit know yet. Thar’ part of the suspense. The view cers are going to choose. ELDON. What? GINA. We broadcast your adventures every day. At the end of ‘each program, the audience gets to call in and vote on how youre going to die. If they like what they're seeing, they'll choose a sweet leopards, man. remove leopards fom the lis of options. aELDON. (Staring at her) Are you serious? Tm being filmed right now to sce my reaction? GINA. Nor yet, you're not. Bur my camera man Dougie is wait- ing by the men's tom. (Holds out a contrac.) Ifyou say yes, he'll start recording immediately. ELDON. Sod be on TV? GINA. Every night for a week. Its going to be like nothing any- one’s ever seen before — otal cinema verité, no glamour, just grit and eruch and reality. We only use one camera, natural light — we record your day and slam ic together for broadcast at 9 ba. every night. Monday through Sunday. ELDON, So fi go on a Sunday. GINA. And it has to be next week. While we'e sill in Sweeps, ELDON. Everyone would know who Elion Phelps is. They’d ow me, GINA. On every lip. Living the American Dream. being punkd, like yy best. Bur its up to the viewing public. T guess youll have wo ask yourself how much you trust the American people, ELDON. So I could gee a new car. GINA. If thar’s what you want. ELDON. Ora fleet of new cats? A different one for every day of the week! And I can go wherever I want — GINA. Anywhere in the world, as long as- Dougie follows you — ELDON. I could do, like, anything! GINA. (Holding the check infront of bis face... )V'l give you every- thing you need, Eldon. The rest is up to you, ELDON. Hell, yes. (He reaches for the contract — Gina stops him.) GINA. Wait, (She whistler and a man with long hair, in jeans, T- sire and baseball cap enters with a shoulder eamers, This is Dougie.) {wane to get you signing the contract on film. This is Dougie ‘Dougie, this is Eldon. You guys are new best friends, DOUGIE. 1 dont think this is the greatest town for me to be ‘hanging around the men’s room with a video camera. (He stans recording Eldon and Gina. Their faces simultaneously appear on the ‘monitors behind shem, a will everyshing Dougie ses through his cam. era from here on. Eldan stares as him.) GINA. Do it, Eldon. Lets Butch and Sundance and go out in a blaze of glory: (Eldon signs the contract with a flourish as Dougie ‘moves in for a closeup.) We ait on Monday. (Lights shifi. Fast music starts. The television monitors light sp with one word: MONDAY. 2 Gina sing fc appears the een na pre-recorded pening or done lise into Devgis camera). Whence Cina is an etme speaks with a slight British dialect. On monizor;) Good evening, ifyou could know d ; nd 1d ticking by, bringing you one step closer to ns Phelps has been given that chance: He knows he wil die next Sunday. There is no doubt. There is no way out. Bui has the means to live that last week ro the fullest — ro be every- thing he can be. had one week wit ‘nanitor) Well be following Eldons every move — his dreams, his hopes, his fears — as he takes that last slide down the fr pole of ie His ist stop — as any of us woul ke — was co his family. Who else besides those that brought you io eis wor swould you cell that you're about co leave it? (Lights shift. She exis, On stage Eldon enters in bis same clothes with presents — followed closely by Dougie, recording everything, Eldon mother, Roberta, enters in a bathrobe, looking bad. All expletives may be bleeped out.) “THE DEAD GUY," complete ELDON. 7 4.1! Rise and shine! ROBERTA. ... Am I gonna work? ELDON. I thinks your day of Mom, I wanted suprise you ROBERTA. Why you get me up at (Waking mo Whos the guy with the camera? What . Bidon’ ELDON. I'm on‘TV, Mom. I'm on a reality show. ROBERTA. What? Am I on TV now? ELDON. You'e gonna be. Tonight. ROBERTA. Goddammi, Eldon! You could give a woman some ‘warning! Jesus God, I must look like Frankenstein — ELDON. [es okay; Mom they wane ws cobs fel — ROBERTA. Nobody wants this much real. Lemme get changed — ELDON. No! Wait! I brought you these. Presents. | bought ‘em. ROBERTA. Wich what? ELDON. The TV guys gave me money and I wanted ro get you something good. 1BROBERTA. What is this, like a trick? I don’t want anything — ELDON. Iknow. Buel wane give something, Hess. (He opens «a box and pulls out a gold necklace.) years of forgeting birchdays and Christmas, I didnt think you had icin you. ELDON, Ido. te stuff on Home Shopping lock like ELDON. Ilike the lite gold pig things. I thought those were cure. ROBERTA. They ae Rea ue, (4 men tte 20 walls swearing jeans and a longsleoe shire. He looks respectable. This is ween en mg: ble. Thi VIRGIL. Ho, Mom. Hey, EL — (WELAM! eras ino Doge) ELDON. Virgil, warch it, man — You okay, Dougie? VIRGIL, Hencid wach whuahes going ROBERTA. Eldon's on TV! VIRGIL. Ob crap. Whatd you dot?? ELDON. Noshiti ROBERTA. [esa reality TV thing. VIRGIL. Like 60 Minuce? ROBERTA. No, one of the good ones, ri 2 ELDON. Yeah. Seodionss ht Filo! VIRGIL. Whats cele? Why are they following ut Vig i ery uneasy with the camera.) ELDON. [can explain everything, compadce ,compade. (Eldon turns tothe camera and the all feze. The following monolgue appears asa pre- recorded sicker “cnfesional closeup” on the monitors (or can be per- formed live by Eldon onstage]. On monitor) This is my brother Virgil. Hes a good guy. Kind of clumsy, but a good guy. Like for inscance, he used t0 collect money at Halloween for somebody. Which sed chink was prey eared. Wei go around wick ortreating with pillow cases and hed have this ity-biery 0 cardboard box 0 get change and crap — and he’ ae course he always got caught in people's fences and fel 4 ditches — And then he cart even keep the money! Ar the end of the night he’ got no candy, he's got no cash, he’s got squat! God, ‘what a dork! (Lights shift back and everyone unfreeze.) is why you called me? tnean, no, not for that story — I wanted you and ‘Mom co be the first co know. VIRGIL. Know what? ELDON. Did you look ouside? VIRGIL. I drove up, yeah. ELDON. Notice anything different? VIRGIL. No. (Eldon takes them 10 a window) ELDON. Ta-daa! ROBERTA. (Blinking in the sunlight.) What. ELDON. Those pick-up trucks. VIRGIL. ‘The red ones? I kind of bumped the one by the hydrane— ELDON. One’ for you. And ones for Mom. ROBERTA. Oh my god ... VIRGIL. Are you serious? ELDON. Toually, dude. ROBERTA. Oh my god, ‘VIRGIL. ‘Tell me those are in thac racket with Jimmie Worley — ELDON. No, n0— VIRGIL. (To the camera.) Cause we don’ approve of stolen vehi- cles — ELDON. They'ce not stolen! I boughe ‘ ‘Ohinygod ohmygod, chis is Publisher's Clearing Youre a millionaire, arent you, Eldo ELDO! nd of am. Yeah! ROBERTA. Ohmygod ohmygod chmygod — VIRGIL. The one I hit, that one can be mine — (They all freeze and Roberea appears on the monitors) ROBERTA. (On TV, Ever since Martin left me — Martin Phelps, theit fither, my husband, he's Phelps, I'm McCay, he's a bastard — fever since he left, we have been scrounging, Td work three shifts, Ta pray with the boys, Pd go without cable for months, and we never asked for help, we suck ic up, we get punched in the face and re youre not still, wwe Keep on spitting, that’s how my momma raised me, it started ‘when I was four and my Uncle Lou got syphilis — VIRGIL, (Offtage.) Mom — ROBERTA. That's how I raised them, not with syphilis, bur wichhoiior. Ie cook wich 1ot so much with Eldon, but I knew, I 'd make it and we have! Eldon isa TV million- aire! Ohmygod, Elion, Lam so proudl! (Lights shift back and every- one unfreeze) VIRGIL. They pay you just to let them follow you around? ELDON. Yeah! Is it nuts or what? VIRGIL, There's no c: ELDON, Well... yeah. ROBERTA. Wh. ELDON, Well, I get to have, like, the greatest week of my life, all the money and everything I could ever want, and then on Sunday I kind of die. (Beat, They stare at him. Dougie goes in for a closeup on sheir faces... ) Like a blaze of glory, you know? ... ROBERTA. (To Dougie.) You get thac thing the hell out VIRGIL, Are you serious? ELDON. Yeah, man. ROBERTA. Are you sick? ELDON. Nor that I know of ROBERTA. Then how are you gonna di ELDON. The people watching the show will decide. VIRGIL. Well, who's watching the show? ELDON. Everybody. Ie starts on TV tonight. VIRGIL. And anybody cani vote? ROBERTA. That means the Crawfords and the Bennets can vote? VIRGIL. And your high school teachers — ROBERTA. And that jackass principal Mr. Looney — VIRGIL, — Mul ROBERTA, Jesu vote to snuff you ELDON. .. sally think about i like tha ROBERTA. Did you think about ic at all? You j VIRGIL. What are the neighbors gonna say, mai dead, bur the rest of us have to live with this stunt — ELDON. It’s not a stunt — it’s a gife! Mom can quit the Chef Bernie's and you can quie at the Quick N’ Handy and you'll chink of me whenever you drive your new pick-ups — ROBERTA. Lain’ driving that thing. I'm not touching it. You take it back. You tear up that contract and get this asshole the hell out cof my face! (She shoves Dougie, who fale over. The monitor shows the floor as he struggles to his feet.) VIRGIL. Me too. No truck. No way. (He turns and rips over Dougie.) mean, there's kinda one. 7 don, everybody who's ever hated you is gonna : I get co be 16 Dang itl (They fieze and Roberta’ face appears on the monitor,) Ronin (Oe 71) 1 did not raise my son todo this — sis is not the boy I raised. The boy [raised was loving and caring and v ued life more than life ise, (The all unfreeze, To Eldon:) Ger oust Gecout of my house and rake your blood-soaked trucks with you! ELDON. Jesus, Mom — ROBERTA. Out! : ELDON. Fine! (To camera.) You see where 1 came from? This is what I had to live with — you try to do something nice — VIRGIL. You heard her! Ger out! . That is so torlly my mom — everything’ always about reer rates eer reel cues Dougie r0 keep recording.) GINA, Where to next Eldon? [know you had other plans — ELDON. Yeah. Yeah. There's a to see. (He stim bles off as Gina’ recorded face fills the monitors oak ‘On TV) Pesta by his family! Who else can Eldon turn ind out — tight after these words from our sponsor! Stay tuned! (Commercial on monitors: image: A big red pick-up ruck drives through city streets, possibly offroad as guitar music play.) MALE ANNOUNCER. (V.O.) You want Power. (Truck drive.) You want Adventure. (Truck drives.) You want Safety. The new Biminao. Tie standard aibag, cect traction control and patented turbo-braking, ment’ highest crash safery ratings. Reach for che Wild. Reach for America’s Safest Truck. The 1 Lights shift as Eldon sits at a small elegant restaurant table with two chairs while Dougie moves into postion around him. A 20-year-old woman walks in wearing a Tshirt and shorts, looking nervous. This is Christy Dougie records her entrance — shes on the screens ... } CHRISTY. Hey, Eldon — (She aries to get around the camera.) Eldon, whats going on? ELDON. Hi, Christy. Surprise! CHRISTY. (Gesrures to Dougie.) Who's this? . ELDON. Dorit mind him — that’s Dougie. Listen, there's some- thing I need co tell you. " : CHRISTY. (Looking around.) 1 never been in Lillian’s before. Do they record everyone? 7em tne ELDON. No, ie’ for TV. It’s a nice place though, isnt it CHRISTY. (Noticing the flower in a vase on the table.) I think the Alower’s real ELDON. And the menus are like cloth. Not plastic, CHRISTY. So what'd you do — hold up a bank? ELDON. I just wanted to treat you to someplace nice. (He taker @ drink of water) CHRISTY. Can I have a sip of your water? ELDON. They brought you your own, CHRISTY. I know. (Sipr is.) 1 jus ike tating what other people taste, (They freeze.) ELDON. (On TV. To cameras) She always used to do this with my beer too. We called her “Goldilocks,” ‘cause she was always, {has your piza ike?” and “Give me a puff of your joint!” (They freeze.) CHRISTY. (isting bim lightly) 1 did n ELDON. Did you park in the parking thing weird? CHRISTY. No, ELDON, The new red pick-up. CHRISTY. I did see thae. les pretey hor. ELDON. Tes yours, CHRISTY. ... What? ELDON. 1 bought ic for you CHRISTY. Where you get the mon: ELDON. Did you sce the license CHRISTY. Who's Allan Chi id you notice any- . my way of saying I'm sorry. For break- ing up with you. CHRISTY. T broke up with you. ELDON, (Aware of the camera.) We CHRISTY. Because I was screa ELDON, J think we're just having a difference of definitions. CHRISTY. I ssid, “Get out of here, Inever want to see you again, you asshole” — ELDON, Christy — CHRISTY. (To camera.) Oops. I canit say “asshole” on TV, can 2? ELDON. Can we discuss this part off-came CHRISTY. No, I think if ths is being record just — should set the 18 record straight. He was out behind Chef Bernie’ with Darlene know you cant say “ ry. t ELDON. Darlene’s a total lias, Christ, you can‘ believe — CHRISTY. I'm not the one set up a stupid date here — I can't even pronounce half the damn things on the menu — ELDON. I wanted to bring you here to give you this, you stupid sez jerk. (He throws a box at her) CHRISTY. What is it? (She opens the bos:) ELDON. Its an engagement ring, dumbass. CHRISTY. Why are you giving it to me? ELDON, Duh! I was gonna ask you to marry me! HRISTY. Why? ELDON. ‘can gonna die on Sunday and I though« I she ‘get married first and this seemed like a good restaurant to do CHRISTY. Whae do you mean you're going to die Sunday. ELDON, For this TV show. I get a million dollars to spend before I die on Sunday. CHRISTY. You mean like pretend die? ELDON, Forrel de ISTY. Are you sick? ELDON. a _ fon Sunday night and Twanted you to be my wife and share our last days together and drive around in our new pick-up truck and party and do good deeds and kick it like we did back before the whole tequila thing in your mom’s bedroom. (Christy stares at him.) Um. (Looks at the camera om bm.) So... (Gets down om his knees) 1 guess Tim asking you to be my bride, Christy Moline. Ifyou'll have me. (Fidget) It'll only be for a week ... (And Christy slaps him.) CHRISTY. You assholet ELDON. Ow. CHRISTY. You think I want to be a widow ac ewenty-one? ELDON. Thadn' really thoughe about that... 19CHRISTY. Do you ever chink about anything? Or anyone except imate Eldon Phelps show — get everyone looke- sn do something totally stupid — Z 1g around.) Chiisty... CHRISTY. 1 just lose my appetie. (She walks oue Eldon is still on dis knees. Gin hurries to kneel beside him. Dougie moves ... ) GINA. Wow. Tough breale " ELDON. ... it was a red truck, She loves GINA. So your week got off reyes ELDON. I gor three stupid pick-up trucks on my hands. You know how long ies gonna take 21 gotta take 0 n to sell those? I gotta take out an ad in “Car and Truck Dealer” — which means getting my phone hooked back up — a GINA. Eldon. With all due respect ... who cares? In six days is it going to matter what happens to those trucks? : ELDON. ee GINA. You did what you could — you reached out Ebon teh Mhat yeu could — you reached out chem, GINA. So what do you do now? IN. I gor a whole week lef. GINA. Almost a week “ ELDON. Thar’ like forever! I can do anything in a week! big, chan them or Me. Mule crore BB han them or Me: Mulroonsy and Mr, Riddle ae GINA. Right — ELDON. — all “Youre wasting your life, Phelps. You're never gonna amount co anything, Phelps —” GINA. Now’ your chance — ELDON. (Into camera.) Screw you, Mulroney! Screw you alll You wanta see big? You wanta see amounting to something??? You ing to fuckin’ Disneyland! (He charges offas Gina Sars fies The lig sift sche prerecorded ailing face on the ‘A. (On TV) Day One ends. One man's date with oblivio moves one step closer, And now is your chance to choose ther 20 with black widow venom. Or D: Chainsaw accident. Dial 1-888- ELDON. RLP and cast your vote today. And those of you with Intemet access can email us one of the first four choices, or choice B: Other. You can suggest an alternative form of death. Log onto ‘www.thedeadguy.com, This is not a hoax, ic is not a joke. How does he go? Only you know. Well sce you tomorrow! (Music comes up and lights shifi. The monitors display: TUESDAY. Happy music plays and Gina charges over to Dougie with coffee in band. We a Disneyland.) donit see him anywhere! How could you lose him??? DOUGIE. He gor put in a different ghost tram at the Haunced Mansion, Gina. Whac was I gonna do? GINA. told them we could do this with one camera and we are going to do this with one camera. If you can’ follow him, I'll get someone who can — DOUGIE. You're the one who had to get her coffee — GINA. I don't do Orange County without coffee —I dont believe this! You got through six weeks of Heavy Petting getting close-ups of Tasmanian devils and rabid bats and you can't keep track of 2 beetlchead like Eldon? DOUGIE. That was different. Animals like me. 1 could pet 2 wolverine, hed be like purring, but Disney tour guides, man — they're totally whacked — (Eldon trots on in Eshirs, shorts and Mickey Mouse ears, with a nice set of stereo earphones on. Hes drunk.) ELDON. Whoo-Hoo! GINA. Eldon! You cannot disappear like that! ELDON. You said I could go anywhere — GINA. Bur you have to let Dougie follow you! Its in your con- tract! ELDON. Do you know where Me. Toad’s Wild Ride is? GINA, Jesus, Eldon — DOUGIE. Should I be recording this? GINA. No! ELDON. I thought you were gonna ger everything. Why don't you show me on Mr. Toad? GINA. Because we recorded you on the Teacups and you hurled all over an eight-year-old girl. Pm not wasting any more — ELDON. Nobody's even watching this, are they? No one gives a rat’s ass — GINA. That's not true, We got a 9.7 last night ELDON. What? GINA. The ratings were sttong and the buzz is through the roof — 2ELDON. Whee none aa GINA. The audience either comes in or they walk. Tonight's night, You gotta make this a good episode, he ELDON. You sid I could do anything — T know, this is great, this gives you that n Da uas have to bea liable cayman man Psst gotta start shooting or we ain't gonna have n squat to show ronight. ee GINA, Fine. MeN GlE If you stand over here, 1 can get you and the GINA. (Maneuvering Eldon over and smiling into the camera Eldon, you party animal! Lets doa recap ~ how have you oa I --- [lew into LA. ... on my private jee! Whid did not ren, did not lease, but bog i Used. Bur booghe fe ed then I stopped at an all-night music store when I got to LA. and 1 replied all my Zeppelin CDs. (Gating to bis beat) Which Pree, sk prey much ever since T got to the Mage GINA. Sounds fan, ELDON. Timean that whole Small World thing — by the thiei- cth time that song was melting my frickin’ brain, you know? But you crank up “Black Dog” and the puppets are thrash’, you know shat Tm spin? (Singin) "Mana, mama, the way you ing, I'm gonna make you burn, Tim gonna make you sg. Te on you burn, in gonna make you st ELDON. (Lean ino the cament confidently) extremely easy to spend money in Disneyland. through this million like —oh, cap. What re GINA. Quarter to twelve, ELDON. Damn. GINA. What, are you missing the parade? ELDON. Iwonder where they ret GINA. Who? ELDON. (1 82 supposed to meet these two gis at 11:50 a GINA. What evo girls? ELDON. These two girls I met leaving the aisport — ed'ro meet me here Sh 2 ane GINA. .... What kind of girls? ELDON. You know... girls. Good-time girls. Party girls. GINA. Oh Jesus. (To Dougie.) Stop recording, DOUGIE. Bur — GINA. (To Bidon.) You're bringing hookers into Disneyland22? ELDON. Hey, ies the Happiest Place on Earth! DOUGIE. What kind of hookers hang around outside airports? GINA. Why didat I see them? Where was 7 ELDON. You were probably getting coffee. GINA. You know they arent even going to show up. (Tivo women in slinky owafits and sunglasses walk on, waving.) WOMAN #1. There he ist Eldon! WOMAN #2, Yoo-hooo! ELDON. (To Gina.) T gave ‘em a thousand-dollar cab fare. Hi, Gina, (To Dougie.) Are you recording this? DOUGIE. How can I not? (The monitors show closeups of the girls sand Eldon.) ELDON, Jesus, you look hot! Whoo! WOMAN #1. We wanted to look good for you. WOMAN #2. Did you bring the sticky? ELDON. Right here. (He pulls a small plastic baggie of joints from his mouse hat. Gina dives in front ofthe camera.) GINA. Stop recording! Stop recording!!! WOMAN #1. You know where's a good place to get baked? Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. ELDON. Dude GINA. No! (To Dougie.) We're cutting this part ou DOUGIE. But — (Gina tries to block Eldon from GINA. (Whispering flrcely) No po Disneyland! . WOMAN #1, Oh, like held be the frst. GINA. You shut up, Tigerily. WOMAN #1. Whard you just call me? GINA. Look, why don't you go work the Seven Dwarves. I think Dopey’s just about your speed — WOMAN #2. Back the truck up, bitch! WOMAN #1. I'm gonna pop her, she keeps talkin’, Tm poppin’ — ELDON. Awesome. I never had girls fight over me before. GINA. We do not have time for this — WOMAN #1, Who is this, Eldon, your mother? (Gina sar 23,al drugs. You can ring the family hour, Phelps. You know how fas yank us if they see the frst hint ofa join . CHRON, Whar are they gonna say when I die on Sunday? Profanity, drugs, into all three here —~ toke down a huge-ass fatty? WOMAN #2. Are you rally a WOMAN 41. I thoughe you we indsome, ELDON. Both, ee Ban a. GINA. Give m ELDON. What? WOMAN #1. Oh, man, this GINA. (Wresting with bin) it. Tm not having you spend yc — ELDON. (Fighting back.) {paid top dollar for these — rioves in for good shots... ) oO Doe GINA. NO! (And a clean- am in a suit anc 1 then Tis aucun ga oe SECURITY GUARD. What seems co be the problem here, folks? her back.) ‘The Disney Man. GINA. Nothing's wrong here, officer. Just a dis wihae ride GrnB WO here, officer. Just a disagreement about ELDON, I'm pushing for Mr. Toad. WOMAN Ne Small World. All chose IARD. I'm afraid you're ing some Sou id youre disturbing some of the GINA. Wei sorry. ELDON. What, just ‘cause we're havis is v 7 tuse we're having fun? I though this the Magic Kingdom. Whats wrong with makin’ a lank” magi SECURITY GUARD. Nothing. We jus ask chat you toes the 24 other guests — oe dying? GINA. We dont — ELDON. ‘Cause this is my last week on earth, and unless theyre here with Ronald McDonald Make-A-Wish, I don’t want to hear shit out of ‘em! SECURITY GUARD. Please lower your voice, ELDON, ’Cause I'm already spending my every one of your damn lines — and I gor the Mouse! One word from me and Walt Disneys ‘you so fas, ic knock Chip and Dale on d WOMAN #2. Yeah! WOMAN #1. You go, Eldon! SECURITY GUARD. Sir — GINA. Eldon — SECURITY GUARD. I clearly smell alcohol, sit. I suggest you — ELDON. I'm King of the Frickin’ World, Officer Duck! And the King wants to ride Mr. Toad GINA. (To the Guard.) Wel ELDON and WOMAN #1 Mis-ter Toad! SECURITY GUARD. (lnto walkie-talkie) We have a Yellow Goofy in Fantasyland. Yellow Goofy in Fantasyland, GINA. Oh crap SECURITY GUARD. (To Do: camera licensed for home use only? DOUGIE. More or less ELDON. Who wants a fried douigh stick — what are chose called? WOMAN #2. Churros! ELDON. Churros for everyone in the park! On me! ELDON and WOMAN #1 and #2. Fried dough! Fried doug (Gina has spotted a park trash can and moves quickly over to it, tos ng in the baggie. The security guard sees her) SECURITY GUARD. What was that? GINA. What was what? SECURITY GUARD. (M 5c dep INA. Nothing, Look, we were just leaving, there's sake a stink — (The guard has she trash lid off the can — looks in cand quickly speaks into his walkie-talk SECURITY GUARD. Orange Bambi leave — we were just leaving — ind #2. (Chanting.) Miser Toad! for the trash can.) What did you can 104. Orange 25Bambi in trash can 104. GINA. Oh crap. Look — ELDON and WOMAN #1 and #2. (Chanting.) Mister Toad with fried dough! Mister Toad wich fiied dough! SECURITY GUARD. (To Gina.) Tm have to ask you to accompany me to that Tiki hut over chere, ma‘am. GINA. No! (The Security Guard holds Gina’ arm — turns to Dougie.) SECURITY GUARD. And I need to see this videotape, sir — DOUGIE. No way, dude. First amendment. (Eldon and the gins run off chansing and laughing.) ELDON and WOMAN #1 and #2 Churros! Dumbo! Churros! smbo! (The Guerd pulls Gina off — Dougie following, recording — GINA. Eldon! Ger back here! Bina 7 SECURITY GUARD. (Into walkie talkie.) We need full Steamboat Willi in Zone 12. Steamboat Willie in Zone 12, (Music blasts — theyre off the stage. Lights shift. Commercial on monitor. Images: a young hip girl chatting cleeully on her cell phone walking down a city street 0 dance music. Closeup on a map ofthe world: TOKYO. Shot of the girl zalking on her cel, buying sushi. Map of the world: RIO DE JANEIRO. Shot of the girl talking on her cell buying coffe in a coffee ‘ep Map of the world: MILAN. Shot of the girl on ber cell buying clothes. FUN FEMALE ANNOUNCER. (V/0.) Feel that freedom? The ‘world is yours! And so's your calling plan! VoiceTel. Talk anywhere «+. Shop anywhere. The VoiceTel Wireless Network! .... Where will you buy today? (The monitors display: WEDNESDAY. A large bed ‘appears and Eldon and the girs crawl into it. Dougie lis on the floor beside his camera, surrounded by empty beer cans. Eldon lies in the center of the bed under the covers, with no shirt, bus sil wearing his Mickey Mouse ears, posibly with a Disney balloon tied to somewhere in bis underwear. The girl lie under the sheess on either side of sleeping. They are in a nice hotel. BANG BANG BANG. On the closed door. They all le there ... motionles. BANG BANG BANG. Dougie rolls over, drags himself t0 the door and opens it. There stands Gina looking worse for wear. Fuming, two ct in hand, GINA. Jesus. 2 es u DOUGIE. ... Hey, Gina .. GINA. Where's ... (She steps over him to see Eldan prone form in the bd with be gr) Jens, (To Doi) So wwhy aren't eee ing this? 26 | | / ' | | | | DOUGIE. Iwas for the first part of the night. Then I realized we couldn't even show this on Cinemax ... and 1 stopped. GINA. Were you drinking with him? DOUGIE, When I stopped recording, yeah. I thought we were supposed to bond. GINA. (Holds up a can.) Pabst. Dear God. DOUGIE. He said he usually had light bees, bur he figured whac the hell you know. GINA. Have some coffee, Sober up. DOUGIE. I don’ do coffee. Iell kill you. GINA. Nor soon enough. (She walks over and kicks Eldon’ bed. Hard. Eldon sits up in bis Mickey Mouse ears, squinting.) ELDON. What? Whi GINA. Wake up, Ms. Funicello, We've got asses to save. ELDON. ... my head ... GINA. Your head? Your head? Excuse me. What were you doing all night? ELDON. I'm not sure ... (Looks at the girls in bed ‘beside him.) Buc guess it was pretty righteous. GINA. And you know shat I was doing all night while you were auditioning for che Super-Six-Hour rack at the porn shop? ELDON. ... No .. GINA. [was on the phone all night with lawyers, the police, the network, trying to keep us all out of jail long enough ro finish this it worked. GINA. Because they didn't catch me with the bag. My lawyer says iF daim to have found it in the park and picked it up to throw it away, I'l ger off ELDON. I dontt know, man. T tried that one when 1 worked at the bowling alley and they still canned my ass. GINA. [wish I could do the same. Yesterday was almost 2 com- plete waste. ELDON. ‘Yeah well, working for you hasnt exactly been a picnic you know! You' “Here, Eldon, here’ everything youll ever need, but dorit do that, Eldon, rules rules rules, Eldon!” ‘Why'd you put me here if I can't have any fun? GINA. Because I thought you'd do this righe! ELDON. What’ right? Who are you to tell me how to live and how to die? (Siumbling out of bed and pulling on a bashrobe.) I quit. GINA. You cant quit. 7~-—seoenamennn ELDON, Screw you, I've left ot been fired from every job I've ever had — I know how co quit. Iq GINA. (Throws the contract at him.) Read your contract, moron. You can read, can't you? ELDON. Duh, GINA. If you quit, you owe me one million dollars. ELDON. 1 havenit spent that much! Even with che headset. GINA. Te docsnit marcer how much you spend. If you quit before Sunday, you owe me one million. ELDON. Well, good luck geting it. Who's the dummy now? INA. If you declare bankruptcy, I'll sue you for breech of con- tract and you'll do twenty years in prison, ELDON. Bullshit. keep you tied up in court every day for the fest of your ELDON. (Flipping madly through the papers.) Bullshit! INA. Nobody made you sign. You came in of your own fice esses. We have the tape, (Pause. He looks at her ‘ou'ee in Vil I say you're out, Eldon Phelps. (Eldon sits there blinking... ) ELDON. 1 gotta go to the john. (He burries out.) GINA. (Calling after him:) The bathroom window of the tweati- eth floor is pretty high up, Eldon. If you do somehow survive the fall and try to fle, your contract states that I can put out an arvest ‘warrant on you. And if you kill yourself before Sunday, youte still dead AND you got no cash. Pause) So I hope yout just enjoying your moment of solitude in there before we get back to tapings (Eldon reenters) ELDON. You cant ‘Thar’ againse che law. GINA, Read the waiver in your contract, Nobody lays a finger on you. You end up in a room with a bunch of potentially lethal but {egal items, and you arrange for your own timely demise. We just record it ELDON, You think anyones gonna seriously watch many sickos do y there are out there? GINA. Twenty-five million and growing. She pulls a Daily Variety rom her briefcase and shrows it at him.) Even with yout dumbass stunts yesterday you're a hi ELDON. (Reading) “Dead Guy Buries Competition Alive.” GINA. That’ the good news. Everybody loves watching you. The me on Sunday. That would be murder, ? How 28 bad news is they hate you. ELDON. How do you know? GINA. The way they're tying to your first day t voting for a quiet, Kingdom prick parade, “Chi only slightly ahead of the ELDON. Which is . GINA. One word: steamer. _ ELDON, 1 cant run over myself with a steamrolle:! That's impos- saw accident” is wel ite-in front-runner «. GINA. I know. We'll probably have to discot ; ELDON. And how am I supposed to die in a chainsaw accident myself? nk (Gesturing.) You. Chainsaw. That one seems pretty doable. sed they are, that cheyid want to « “em be displeased. And you ra fou can be displeased too, You may have me tapped ani ns i gets to decide how GINA. And how does Eldon Phelps want to do tha ELDON. (Drinds, sitting on the bed.) Ym gonna drinking beer in this hotel room until Sunday. GINA. ‘What? ELDON. You heard me. "1 GINA. Now you're just being stupi ELDON. Who cates! The people siveady hae me. Th L me — fine. But they gotta sit here and warch me lie in bed day after day after day — GINA. Nobody's going to watch that ELDON. Too bad. If Im going down, I'm taking your ratings with me. GINA. You wouldn't dare. ee ELDON. Stare recording. It ain't gonna get any better than this. (He smiles and stars drinking some more ber as he lays down. She stares at him. The girl stir but don't wake. Dougie has passed oxt on the floor again. Long moments pass... she sis down ...) GINA. (Quiet) les me ELDON. .... What? right here 29GINA. You hare me, dorit you. I did something — somewhere along the way I snuck the stick in my own eye again and you hare me. ELDON. I dont — GINA. The network execs, the lawyers, my parents, everyone at UCLA — it's all the same — Gina Yaweth, fuck her. Why should you be any differen (Beat,) ELDON. Why would they hate you? GINA. Because I didn't play by their rules. I think for myself. I'm not a cute little remote-control robot that obeys orders. ELDON. Dude, I totally feel you. GINA. I know you do! That’ part of what I saw in you that first night. We were both ous there trying ro swim upstream, dance to ‘our own music, and che world was shitting on us for it. ELDON. Exactly! GINA. That's why I thought we were bonded, Eldon! We were soulmares, we were Siamese twins! I put myself, my fate, my life in ‘your hands because I thought I could rrust you lke I trust myself. 1 gave you everything, Eve rich life, and the one thing las a decent human being, An greatest creation, hungover, drinking Pabst in bed with Disney hookers. (Bear. They look at each other... ) ELDON. You never asked me to bea decent human being, GINA. What ELDON. You said the one thing you asked from me was to be a decent human being. You never said that. You said T could do any- thing I wanted. GINA. One moze in my lifetime of blundess. ELDON. Is that what they all want? The ones watching me? For me to be a decent human being? GINA. Why do you think anyone watches anything? We all thinke ‘wire the good guy and we want to sce the good guy come out on top. ELDON. So they're actually rooting for me. GINA. They would if they thought you were the good guy — ELDON. (Nods.)Ifenough of them root for me maybe I can turn this whole thing around, maybe they'll vote to let me live. GINA. They'te not — ELDON. Dougie. Wake up. Wake up, man! DOUGIE. Ah! What ELDON. Scart recording, I got something to say. GINA. Eldon, dont — 30 ELDON. No, really, seriously. Watch this. DOUGIE. Either my cameras out of focus or Tam ... No, it’ me Okay. ELDON, (lato camera.) Hey, everyone. Is me. I got something setious t0 say. Um. (Realizes hes in bis underwear in bed with book- tar) Ignoce this, pretend this isnt here, it gone. You know the real feason I signed on to be on this show? "Cause I wanted to make a difference. All my life Pve been trying —I was never a good litle remote-control robot who took orders, you know I was always ery- ing to make my mark. And this TV show was my shot. I was will ing to give up my life for a shot to make a difference. (Gina nods ‘staris nodding vigorously.) But I blew yesterday am I right ‘with new determination ...) 1 think you should cut now, Dougie. (Dougie does.) GINA. Oh God, Eldon! Do you mean it? Are you serious! ELDON. As serious as a fart in a spacesuit, dude. GINA. (Io Dougie.) We can use a recap of yesterday 2s filler before we ccut to that segment, then to the first break. Ohgodohgodohgod — ELDON. Like tip the bellhops really wel GINA. Exactly. (To Dougie.) And make sure you get every one of those tips on film. (To Eldon.) Td leave a very generous donation for the sleeping beauties here too. Keep "em happy when they talk to the press, (Zo Dougie.) And don't get any of that on film. ELDON. Dude! You know what I can do? I can give to charitiest GINA. Excellent. Which ones? ELDON, I don't know, ask Virgil! He's the one with the Halloween cardboard charity boxes. Maybe he could give me some pointers on people who need money. GINA. Bur is he speaking to you? ELDON. Wall... he’s not not speaking to me. He just cold me to get out. IFT had a dollar for every time he's said that — GINA. I think you should talk to him. atSa a ELDON. 1 totally should. IF he hears I'm doing something good, he'll rastle up some names for me by tomorrow! GINA. Perfect. 1 think you need to get out of L.A., though. Get somewhere quiet before this goes global — ELDON. What do you mean? GINA. Ler’s get you somewhere where you can do your good deeds quietly for us to broadcast. Leadville GINA. ... Like back to Leadville! (Blackout. During intermiision the monitors may display a running countdown of Eldon’ remaining hours [and milliseconds) on earth: 104:32-41:06.) End of Act One ACT TWO Monitors display: THURSDAY. Gina paces on with renewed vigor; her cell phone and a new cup of coffe in her hand, in 4 parking lot in Leadville as Dougie preps his camera. Sound of a large bus idling. GINA. (Into phone.) We're up sixty-one percent over Tuesday, Larry — No, we can't extend it. Irs great because it's finite. Were redefining event programming — DOUGIE, Wete good wo go. GINA. neo phone.) —and I gotta go. Kisses. (Hangs up.) Where's Eldon? DOUGIE. (Gestures offtage,) Still changing in the Phelpsmobile. GINA. First pick-ups, chen a private plane, now a tour bus — Who knew a man would get so fixated on vehicles. (Takes a sip of «offte and winces.) Remind me to ask Virgil where to get a decent cup of coffee in this town — I don't do flyover country coffee. Once we get in the ynna have to hummi bird this to ger Eldon and DOUGIE. Ian do it. used S cable access show where ‘wo guys yelled local news stories across a room at cach other, sep- arated by a wall of fire. We only had one camera then. GINA. Did they ever go through the fire? DOUGIE. Not on purpose. GINA. They have to go through the firewall whenever the other guy makes a solid point. Fox News would buy that in — Jesus. I've got a knack for this. IF didn’t have a conscience, Td be deadly. DOUGIE. My point was I can hummingbird. (Eldon walks on in a nice suit with well combed hair. Gina and Dougie stare as him. Beat.) ELDON. I feel like I'm going to my grandpa’ funeral. GINA. You look pretty damn great. People are going to start tak- ing you seriously. ELDON. Will they quit voting for the chainsaw? GINA. They already have. (Showing him her PDA.) The voting at the end of last night moved way in your favor. 33ELDON. Cool. GINA. “Hit by a bus" is five percent ahead of chainsaw — ELDON. That's an improvement? GINA. Eldon. Would you rather get hit by a bus or killed by a chainsaw? ELDON. Bus, I guess. GINA. And the online polling is leaning coward “Death by rat poison” — ELDON. Man, thar’ just sick — GINA. Were moving away from steamrolles Eldon. Little steps. ELDON. IFT do enough ood deeds ot whatever, could they vore 0 keep me— GINA. (Folds up she paper) Have you seen USA Today? Who's on the cover of the “Life” section? ELDON. (Grins as he reads it.) Ob. That’s a pretty good picture, GINA. (Another paper) And “Ares and Leisure” in the Time? You tipping the cabbie. ELDON. Whoa. GINA. You were the focus of segments on Today and Good Morning America this morning — ELDON. Seriously? GINA. Dead Guy parties are cropping up all over the U.S. Your followers are actually calling themselves “Dead Guys.” Legions of the Dead around the world. ELDON. Whoa. GINA. And soon they'll be making pilgrimages to Quick N’ Handy. You ready? eas ELDON. I guess so. (Lights shift and we hear the ding-a-ling-a-lin af bells as Dougie eps through the dor of Quick N' land, talking backward 10 get Eldon’s entrance through the same door — Virgil enters in a Quick N’ Handy short-sleve shirt and slacks, carrying a pile of ramen a packages. He slams into Dougie — noodles go VIRGIL” Dang it ELDON. Virgil! Dude, how you doin’, man? GINA. (To Dougie.) Hummingbird! Hummingbied! VIRGIL. Wha areyou doing hee? Thought you were gonna cil ck — ELDON. Wanted to surprise you, man, surprise the whole town. (Virgil looks up from the floor.) VIRGIL. You could help me pick up the ramen noodles. 34 ELDON. (Knees and helps.) Absolutely, man. VIRGIL. I gotta set up 2 display by the wienie warmer. ELDON. Listen, I need some charities. Did you find anything? VIRGIL. Yeah. (Sets down the noodles and pulls a paper from his ‘pockes,) I think its kind of cool that Eldon Phelps is giving to charity ELDON. Yeah, so what do you got? ‘VIRGIL. Ifa customer needs assistance, I gotta go help them, you know that — ELDON. I know, 1 know — (Dougie moves in on them ... ) VIRGIL. Does he have to be so close? ELDON. Dougie, can you take a step back, man? (Dougie does,) VIRGIL. So I called around like you asked me too, and the UNICEF chapter head had heard of you. ELDON. Good. (To camera.) V'm giving to UNICEF. VIRGIL. Not realy. They said they cant take any money “collected in this manner” ELDON. Whar does that mean? VIRGIL. Well, I asked them that myself, and she started using words that werent very nice — ELDON. Like what? VIRGIL. She called it “blood money.” Don't want their reputations to be contaminated “in an unholy alliance” — those kinds of words. ELDON. Well, screw UNICEF. VIRGIL. So I'called United Way and CARE and the Salvation “blood money” kept coming up. ult have told them it was from me! 1 kepe thinking there had ro be some people ‘who would let you help them. So I went online last night ar the library. And I found some charities that look like they'll take blood ‘money — ELDON. Will you stop calls VIRGIL. Sorry. ELDON. What kind of places? VIRGIL. (Reading from his papers.) Something called the Animal Rescue Foundation. ELDON. That's great. (To camera.) love animals. | used to have @ hamster, but it — there were firecrackers — it — but I love animals, VIRGIL. This group goes to ranchers and buys old livestock that ‘might be sick or something, and “releases them from their pain in ‘a humane way at one of several meat processing plants.” It looks like che group was started by McDonald's. ic char? 35