Scene SANDRA: Oh yes, Very important review this week - sheets.

a room in an art gallery before the exhibition opens. There is a small table GWEN: My bag. (She goes to get her handbag which is still on
and a couple of bentwood chairs. Two abstract paintings hang on the the chair.)
wall, another rests against the table.
SANDRA: Gwen - just leave it. Oh.
Characters
GWEN: Oh
STEVE A man who looks like he could have spent fifteen years in
[GWEN has retrieved her bag and as she rushes back she
prison.
is blocked by STEVE]
GWEN A journalist who has ambitions to be an art critic. She is
STEVE: I was hoping to hear more about what you think - about
pretentious and anxious to be seen as more important
these paintings.
than she is.
SANDRA A friend and relative by marriage of Gwen’s, she is the long GWEN: Oh yes the paintings …. they are …they are
suffering wife of an offstage GARY. SANDRA: We were just saying they are rather good.
An off stage adult voice is required, male or female.
STEVE: Come on you’re an art critic - surely you have something
more meaty to say…
Props
Two chairs and a small table. GWEN: Oh yes of course, um, well

5 abstract paintings, all of a similar style but one markedly different to the SANDRA: You were saying how bold you thought they were
others with something reminiscent of a dagger and dripping blood.
The paintings are fitted with triangular cross section strips on two sides GWEN: Oh yes. Bold, bold and beautiful
each so that they can hang on a mirrored triangular section fitted to the STEVE: Like the soap opera?
wall or a stand and be rotated as directions require.
SANDRA: No, no! The texture - you mentioned the texture
Copyright. The author claims copyright in the whole of this work. It may
GWEN: Yes I did, (pause while getting her notebook) and
not be, without the express and written permission of the author, copied,
volcanic, or was that orgasmic?
duplicated, photocopied, photographed or recorded in any way digital or
otherwise reproduced. Performance rights are easily available from SANDRA: (Taking charge) Look. She loves them. Come on Gwen
www.palindrome.com.au © Paul Hannah 2017 let’s go.

GWEN: Reminiscent of Bollocks and Witchy

STEVE: WHAT?
19
SANDRA: Pollock or Whitely!
GWEN: (Sobbing) Yes I meant that, please, please don’t hurt
me! A Stab In The Art
STEVE: Hurt you! Nothing is stopping you love (and he gets out
of her way)…… A one act play
by
SANDRA: Let’s get those sheets…. Paul Hannah
[EXIT GWEN and SANDRA as phone rings.]

SANDRA: NOT NOW GARY!!

STEVE: A review on sheets. What next?

(STEVE sees the paintings and laughs at the message, then moves the last
painting showing the letter ‘S’ to the first position. The message then
reads SKILL THE CRITIC.)

STEVE: “Kill the critics”. (Starts to laugh) Oh oh - “Please don’t

hurt me” (mocking and laughing)

[STEVE stands back and observes his work] Can’t they read?!

[STEVE continues laughing and shaking his head as he leaves.]

[Curtain]
© Paul Hannah 2017
www.palindrome.com.au

Copyright © 2017 Paul Hannah All rights reserved.

20 GWEN: What?
SANDRA: As a group. They seem connected in some way. [ENTER STEVE] He carries a painting and whistles or hums as he
hangs it and stands back to admire his work.
GWEN: Well yes, they form a set. That’s why they have a room
He moves them from one position to another, even inverting a couple
to themselves.
until he is satisfied with the positioning.
SANDRA: But it is more than that. They look like a puzzle to me. He sees there are no programs on the table and EXITS.

(SANDRA then starts to rearrange the paintings, as she [EXIT STEVE ENTER GWEN and SANDRA] (GWEN has a notepad and pen.)
does so she inverts the one she put up and changes the
order so that letters are revealed) GWEN: Look Sandra, I promise you we will get to your precious
sale. I promise!
GWEN: Not one of your jigsaw puzzles! This is serious Sandra!
SANDRA: It’s just that I’m over galleries. I’ve done them to death
SANDRA: I know. Deadly serious.
with Gary and those Egyptian cotton sheets don’t go on
GWEN: Oh my God. sale very often and you know how Gary gets

SANDRA: (She reads) Kill the critics GWEN: [Sigh] Yes, I know how Gary gets, I’ve heard about how
GWEN: KILL THE CRITICS! Gary gets since you met him I honestly don’t know how
you put up with him for the last twenty years. Honestly,
SANDRA: Let’s get out of here! he just has to learn that the world doesn’t revolve
GWEN: Yes let’s do that. Exactly that. Oh my God. around him… he revolves around the world … (She
realises how foolish this sounds and breaks off.)
[GWEN and SANDRA go to exit but suddenly STEVE enters.
SANDRA: He’s not so bad really.
STEVE: Leaving so soon ladies?
SANDRA: Yes, yes. I have er a GWEN: Not so bad! He is the biggest skinflint I have ever known.
When the council started charging for water he
GWEN: Thing. She has a thing to do. practically stopped flushing the toilet!
SANDRA: Very important thing.
SANDRA: Yes… That was a difficult transition for him.
GWEN: Sheets!
GWEN: And doesn’t he buy you jigsaw puzzles for every
SANDRA: Yes SHEETS! birthday and Christmas?
GWEN: For a review. For the paper.
SANDRA: I like jigsaw puzzles. I am rather good at them.

18
3
GWEN: At least he could buy you new ones, not second-hand GWEN: Oh God. I don’t work well under pressure. I can’t write
off eBay! under pressure if my life depended upon it!

(Sandra’s phone rings and she turns her back to answer it. GWEN rolls her
eyes, pulls her face and mimics Gary speaking with her hand)
SANDRA: Oh… Oh no… Oh no… Not again! Oh… Oh, she didn’t, did
she? Oh no… Well I’d better be… Oh dear. But… Well, I
really must…
(This speech can be done ad lib, as if SANDRA is hearing
a series of unfortunate events)
SANDRA: Your life does depend upon it woman! Get creating!
GWEN: Oh… what can I say? What can I say?... It’s bold. It’s
subtle. Expressive, mysterious. Strong, vulnerable,
decisive and almost hesitant.
SANDRA: Good, good… that’s what they like to hear.
GWEN: The texture is so fine and yet desperately uneven.

GWEN: Problem with Gary? SANDRA: Now you have it

SANDRA: How did you know? GWEN: Organic and yet so angular.

GWEN: It is always Gary. And it has been a full sixteen minutes SANDRA: Reminiscent of?
since his last call. He was well overdue for a whinge.
GWEN: Oh yes… Reminiscent of an early Pollock or Brett
SANDRA: He doesn’t..(Protesting but then cut off by GWEN) Whitely

GWEN: Well was there? SANDRA: Not Van Gogh?

SANDRA: Was there what? GWEN: You think I need to go that far?

GWEN: A problem with Gary? SANDRA: Perhaps not, but what about the style.

SANDRA: Yes…The mail woman put a “You weren’t home card” in GWEN: Definitely post cubist, early modernist. Figurative
the letter box. without being descriptive.

SANDRA: Good…good.
GWEN: Let me guess. He was home at the time?
GWEN: It has a strength…
SANDRA: Well no, he did duck out for a few minutes.
SANDRA: And yet vulnerability, you said that already.
GWEN: And that was her fault?
GWEN: Oh my God.
SANDRA: Well, yes, she came earlier than he expected.
SANDRA: Hang on. There is something else about these paintings.
4
17
GWEN: He murdered a critic? GWEN: Gee, it must be awful to be him. Wandering around a
planet where everyone fails to meet his standards. It
SANDRA: He murdered a newspaper critic! wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t the most annoying
GWEN: But… but… He said, he wasn’t finished here. He said he’ll person on the planet.
be back.
SANDRA: Annoying, why would you say that he is annoying?
SANDRA: He did.
GWEN: Because he is dear, he is. He is spectacularly,
GWEN: How did he kill him? monumentally, irritatingly and consistently annoying. If
there was an Olympic event in being tediously annoying,
SANDRA: Her. He killed HER. he could annoy for Australia. Gold medal standard.
GWEN: Oh my God. How did he kill her? SANDRA: But…
SANDRA: He stabbed her. Multiple times. In the heart. (She makes GWEN: No buts about it. We’d be in for a medal for sure. AND
a stabbing motion ) And look at that picture. Doesn’t he repeats everything you say while doing it.
that look like a dagger to you?
SANDRA:: Repeats everything you say?
GWEN: Oh my God. (She looks around for something to pin her
hopes on) He was pretty mad at you. GWEN: See? It’s rubbing off on you now!

SANDRA: Maybe. But he kills critics remember. SANDRA: Look, I know he’s your step-brother and everything but
he’s my husband and … and… oh can we just get on
GWEN: Oh my God. I don’t think I want to do this any more. It’s
with this?
not so bad in Pussycat Corner.
GWEN: Yes we must. Those sheets won’t buy themselves.
SANDRA: Look, maybe all is not lost. All we have to do is look at
these pictures and say how we have reassessed them SANDRA: I don’t have to be here you know.
and that we can see how wonderful they are. They are
clearly works of genius. GWEN: Yes, I’m sorry. I appreciate you driving me while I need
this stick. It’s just that this column could be my big
GWEN: Genius? chance. I’m a bit nervous about it. A lot depends upon
SANDRA: Yes. Genius. me getting this right. I don’t get many chances to
advance my career. And you know how much I love art…
GWEN: OK…If you say so… Let’s look at them again.
SANDRA: I hadn’t noticed until yesterday.
SANDRA: Remember. Genius.
16 5
GWEN: Now that’s not true, I have always been passionately
interested in art. And this could be my big chance. I
could write about something I love, I could write about
ART. I don’t want to be doing the stamp collector’s
column and Pussy Cat Corner forever!
SANDRA: I’m sorry, I know this is important to you, but you will
hurry won’t you?
STEVE: (Annoyed) I suppose so… I’ll be back ladies. I’ll be back!
[EXIT STEVE]
(SANDRA realises there is something important about the name ‘Cooper’,
she mouths the words “ Cooper, Steve Cooper” and pulls out her phone
and frantically starts to looks up the name, just as she finds it and realises
that they are talking to a murderer, her phone rings)

GWEN: OK, but you will try not to be so negative? This is my big SANDRA: (Annoyed) Yes? What is it? No Gary, You cook the
break and I really want this to go well. vegetables last. Oh for heaven’s sake, not now! (She
hangs up in frustration.)
SANDRA: I’ll try Gwen, but promise you won’t go all arty farty and
pretentious on me. GWEN: Oh Sandra, you were very rude.
GWEN: Pretentious? Moi??? SANDRA: I was rude? Oh... never mind about that now. Do you
SANDRA: Yes you! Don’t start interjecting the three French know who that man is?
phrases you know and talking about the negative space GWEN: One of the packing staff I presume.
infusing the canvas with a stark boldness. That sort of
thing. SANDRA: Does the name ‘Cooper’ ring any bells? ‘Steve Cooper’
(She pushes the program into GWEN’S face)
GWEN: (Feigning innocence) I honestly don’t know what you
mean. GWEN: Oh my God. Steve Cooper, the artist!
SANDRA: (Her phone beeps) Oh, it’s Gary again. (She reads the SANDRA: Steve Cooper the murdering artist!
text) Look, I’ll have to call him; he’s making a total mess
of dinner. I’ll just duck outside. GWEN: Oh my God.

[EXIT SANDRA as she leaves she bumbles past STEVE, who sleazily enjoys SANDRA: But even worse.
the encounter ENTER STEVE]
GWEN: How could it be worse?
STEVE: Don’t mind me madam, I’m just putting the programs
out for the patrons. (He proceeds to place a stack of SANDRA: Do you remember who he murdered?
programs on the table) Aren’t you here rather early? GWEN: His wife?
GWEN: Yes it is one of the perks of being a newspaper art critic,
SANDRA: No. Not his wife. It was the last newspaper critic who
one gets to see things first.
didn’t like his show.
6 15
SANDRA: Sorry? STEVE: Does one indeed? Does one... Which august newspaper
does one write for?
GWEN: Such fluidity of motion. Can’t you see how the eye is
drawn from the light to the shade? Oh if only art was as GWEN: The Northside Express.
clear as this all the time…
STEVE: The free one? The one they throw over the fence?
STEVE: So it is simple and obvious now is it? GWEN: That’s the one.
GWEN: ( She is getting little desperate.) It has a stark clarity STEVE: I hear you can get it at the better railway stations too.
which belies its…
GWEN: (Defensively) Lots of people read it and the editor says
SANDRA: Complexity? he wants to make the arts column a regular feature.

GWEN: Yes! Yes! Complexity! See how the bold colour brings STEVE: Does he now? Well that certainly is a change. Getting a
forth the crisis of the work. Its strength belies its local paper interested in the arts is a bit like getting a cat
vulnerability. There is pure mystery in the interested in Shakespeare. (pause) It’s about as useful
understanding inherent in this one. Pure mystery. too.

STEVE: (Angry) You people make me sick! (While he searches GWEN: I think you’ll find The Northside Express will become
for the words SANDRA looks at GWEN, She shakes her very interested in the artistic life of our community. I
head) You… you prance in here as if you were God’s gift plan on making it my … raison d’etre.
to art and pontificate and pronounce judgment on STEVE: Oh well then, I look forward to the front page next
things you know less than nothing about! Thursday.
GWEN: Oh my. GWEN: I may not get the front page …
SANDRA: Steady on. I’m sure she only meant… STEVE: Just as long as it isn’t stuck at the back with the stories
about cat shows and stamp collecting.
GWEN: Yes, yes, I only meant…
GWEN: The editor decides where things go, but I have an idea
STEVE: You don’t even know what you meant. Listen madam, that things…
words have meanings. If you just toss them together like
a green salad in an effort to sound arty and STEVE: Will change? Things never change dear. Art critics waffle
knowledgeable, you are going to end up sounding on with pretentious nonsense like “Negative space” and
uncouth and ignorant! meanwhile the poor artists have to earn a living,
washing cars and telling people in K Mart where the
VOICE OFF: Mr Cooper? Mr Cooper? Could you help us here with men’s underwear section is.
this?
14 7
GWEN: We are not all pretentious know nothings you know! GWEN: Brunch.

STEVE: Oh really? What qualifies you to criticise my… the SANDRA: Excuse me?
artist’s work?
GWEN: Edward Brunch, the genius who did The Scream.
GWEN: I’ve studied art and I have a degree in journalism, thank
SANDRA: Brunch?
you.
STEVE: Munch. Edward Munch.
STEVE: Reading three chapters of “The Shock of the New” in
grade 12, doesn’t qualify you to criticise art, you have to SANDRA: Oh yes. Munch. He’d have to be crackers.
know context and history. Art doesn’t exist in a vacuum,
GWEN: But a genius all the same.
it has a depth and layers that you people never
understand! STEVE: Genius isn’t always obvious or recognised in its time.

GWEN: Look, art critics may not always get it right, but this one SANDRA: Now THAT is true. El Greco, Bach, even Edgar Allan Poe.
wants to, so why don’t you get off your high horse and None of them were recognised in their lifetime. Poe was
let me at least try to do my job? Perhaps you could help definitely out there.
by telling me what you know about the artist.
GWEN: “Once upon a midnight dreary”
STEVE: Well… (resigned) He and I go back more years than I can
STEVE: So now m… (he stops himself from saying ‘my’ but only
remember.
SANDRA notices) all Art is dreary? Is THAT what you
GWEN: Was he quiet and sensitive? think?

STEVE: I don’t think he was ever accused of that. He was GWEN: No… she doesn’t think that, do you Sandra?
expelled from school a couple of times – he got kicked
SANDRA: No, not at all ( A little worried) Oh, look at that one
out of religious instruction as well. He asked a few too
Gwen. (She indicates the last painting to go on display)
many awkward questions.
Isn’t it er… fascinating? (STEVE is unconvinced)
GWEN: Ah, the artist always challenges authority – it is his GWEN: Oh yes. Yes. Yes… er… Yes. It has such dynamism…
principal duty to shake things up a little!
SANDRA: Yes. Just like the other one.
STEVE: He did that alright. Another time we got a hold of two
pigs and painted their backs with numbers 1 and 3 then GWEN: Exactly.
we let them loose at assembly. The teachers caught
STEVE: You think they are all the same?! No one understands.
them pretty quickly, but they searched for ages before
No one ever understands.
they twigged there wasn’t a number 2!

8 13
GWEN: He seems to have lost his way there. GWEN: How very amusing, but perhaps we should get back to
the exhibition?
SANDRA: Google maps might help, but I doubt it.
STEVE: Oh… Er… yes… sorry, I didn’t mean… Well er the artist
GWEN: He seems to be desperately striving to be different to
has a rather novel idea in this series.
the others.
GWEN: Oh?
STEVE: (Defensively) Couldn’t the desperation have another
source? Couldn’t he be striving for something else? STEVE: Yes, he wants the patrons to rearrange the individual
pictures placing them in whatever random order that
SANDRA: Psychiatric care? Medication?
appeals.
STEVE: You think he’s crazy? MAD?
GWEN: How very interesting. (She furiously writes).
SANDRA: Aren’t we all a little?
STEVE: Yes, you can even put them on the side, like this.
STEVE: That’s not what you are saying…
GWEN: Oh… Oh… (Excitedly) may I try?
GWEN: But all the best artists were a little … er… manic. Look at
STEVE: Of course! Be my guest. Pick one! (He does an
Van Gogh.
exaggerated deep bow and steps back. GWEN
SANDRA: Didn’t he cut off his ear to impress a prostitute? rearranges a few and rather boldly tips one on its side)

GWEN: Part of an ear dear. Part of an ear. [ENTER SANDRA clearly annoyed with Gary and time
taken to deal with him
SANDRA: Do you think it worked?
GWEN: This one! Move it to the end. Oh my, what fun. What
GWEN: What?
terrific fun! Did you see that Sandra?
SANDRA: Was she impressed?
STEVE: What do you think of this one?
GWEN: Oh I don’t know… The point is art has a cost. And
GWEN: Extraordinary! Such masterful strokes. The use of colour
sometimes that is the artist’s sanity.
is so… so…
SANDRA: Now I’d be impressed if he cut off his…
SANDRA: Colourful?
GWEN: Sandra!
GWEN: No… no… Exciting, it brings real drama into the room,
STEVE: (Frustrated at the direction of the conversation) All just by being … well THERE.
artists aren’t mad.
SANDRA: If you say so. It looks a bit more Red Poles than Blue
SANDRA: (Looking at the paintings) You could have fooled me. Poles to me though.

12 9
GWEN: Sandra, I thought you weren’t going to be so negative? STEVE: (Dramatically) Murder!

SANDRA: Sorry, it is just… GWEN: Good grief! Well, you can certainly see it in that one.
(She indicates a third painting)
GWEN: Let me guess… Gary again?
SANDRA: Was it the dripping blood that gave it away?
STEVE: What about this fellow? (Indicating another painting)
GWEN: (Looking at the door fearfully) He isn’t here, is he?
GWEN: I’ve been trying to work that out for twenty years. He’s
STEVE: I have seen him around.
just a pain in the (Realising her mistake) Oh…oh…The
painting… GWEN: Oh my God.

SANDRA: Yes, do let’s get on with it. SANDRA: Did he do it?

GWEN: Oh my. STEVE: The jury thought so.

SANDRA: Oh my. He was er… inside… for 14 years? Don’t
SANDRA: What? Lost for words?
prisoners get time off for good behaviour?
GWEN: It has a certain.. Je ne sais quoi.
STEVE: I think you have to be good for that.
SANDRA: I don’t know about that. GWEN: And he wasn’t?
GWEN: The desolation. (pronounced as in French). The despair. STEVE: Not always. I am told he only settled down in his last
The utter barrenness, it makes me feel so, cut off… couple of years, when they let him paint. Prison is a very
violent place you know. People get stabbed all the time.
SANDRA: (Under her breath) Cut off from reality.
A sharpened toothbrush makes an excellent weapon.
STEVE: Funny you should say that. Imagine what one feels like when it is shoved between
your ribs. (He pauses for effect and indicates a twisting
GWEN: Oh? motion) Slowly.
STEVE: The artist did these while he was inside. GWEN: Oh my.
SANDRA: Inside? SANDRA: Very interesting, but we need to get on and look at the
paintings. That one is a bit strange.
STEVE: Prison. He did fourteen years.
GWEN: Yes. I see what you mean.
GWEN: Really?
STEVE: You can?
SANDRA: What was he, er… inside for?
11
10