Write a paragraph of about 150-180 words about negative effects of electronic devices.

Paragraph 1 – 7 điểm
Electronic devices are really popular and useful nowadays. With them -> thanks to them, our life
becomes more and more convenient. However, electronic devices have negative effects if they
are over-used.
First of all, electronic devices might increase the chance of having physical issues . As we all
know, technologies, such as smartphones and computers can hold a person’s attention for a long
period of time. This may lead to eyestrain. The symptoms can include blurred vision or dry eyes.
They might feel the pain in other areas like shoulders or neck.
Secondly, mental health can be affected. People who overuse electronic devices may be more
likely to experience mental health issues (repeated) -> disorders, which include the lack of
attention, low creativity and delaying in social and emotional development.
Last but not least, electronic devices in the bedroom can interfere with sleep in a number of
ways. Some small devices, such as tablet computers or smart phones, can easily be a source of
distraction and sleep disruption. This can make it harder when you try to sleep because of the its
light and your interest in surfing it. (when these devices affect your sleep, does it mean it affects
your physical health or mental health?)
In conclusion, using electronic devices may contain many negative affects. However, using
electronic devices is not a problem, the problem is how you (avoid using “I, you” in writing) use it.
Hope that (where is the subject of this sentence?) you can build up a perfect internet schedule for
yourself.
Comments:
1. This is not a paragraph, but an essay.
2. The third idea should be revised -> electronic devices can be a source of distraction
(examples: adults are distracted from work, students cannot concentrate on their studies)
Paragraph 2 – benefits of electronic devices – 7.5 điểm
In today's 4.0 era, the use of power equipments (uncountable noun) -> equipment is
indispensable. As you know (spoken language) -> It is common knowledge that, they have not
only bad effects but also good benefits. (It means the main idea of this essay is about negative as
well as positive effects of electronic devices?)
First of all, they can be used for both research and study purpose. Students can access Internet
to download data and store information and textbooks (not parallel with “information”), which
saves (VF) amounts of money for paper books and time. This also means their backpacks are
lighter but contain bigger data. Secondly, electronic devices help students communicate with
each other or relax by listening to music and playing games when are bored and tired of studying.
Last but not least, students can use for research and study, and for storing information and
textbooks. This can save time and make students' backpacks lighter. (The introduction introduces
both good and bad effects of electronic devices, but the body paragraph only shows good
effects?)
In conclusion, electronic devices may bring more good than harm to students. I suggest that
teacher allow or encourage their use in the classroom.
Comments:
1. This is not a paragraph, but an essay.
2. This essay doesn’t fulfill the task requirement which is “write about the negative effects
of electronic devices”
Paragraph 3 – 7 điểm
Electronic devices have positive effects on people’s lives but also negative ones as well. ->
Beneficial as they are, electronic devices still have certain negative effects as follows. Firstly,
they are bad for our posture (This is a detail, not the main idea) -> bad for people’s physical
health – posture, eyesight, obesity, etc. The way most people sit or lie when they use these
devices is not healthy. It can lead to back, neck or even psychological issues. + eyesight, obesity
as a result of lack of physical activities. Secondly, they can harm our mental health. Young adults
who use seven to ten social media platforms have higher risks of depression and anxiety than
those who use two or fewer platforms (what about from 3 to 6?) -> It is evident that those who
overuse electronic devices tend to become more anxious and even aggressive than normal.
(affected by video games, violent content from social media) The third way electronic devices
make things worse is leading people to sedentary lifestyles. We often use these devices for hours
while sitting or lying on the couch, bed or desk. This can lead to several diseases such as
diabetes, obesity, cancer, etc. (MOVE to the first idea) Last but not least, electronic devices are
taking over our lives. Nowadays, more and more people are using these devices and heavily
relying on them. They are fond of them, or even addicted to them (What are the effects of being
addicted to them? -> Consider relationship between family members!) In conclusion, we should
not use electronic devices too much or they will bring negative effects to our lives and the
younger generations (young generations are excluded from our lives?)

Paragraph 4 – benefits of electronic devices – 8 điểm

Electronic devices bring numerous advantages to our life. In the first place, they can help
people communicate with each other. Everyone can chat with others through some SNSs (what
does this stand for?) such as Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Zalo, … (don’t use dot dot dot like
this) and so on. They can share their feelings and they will feel more relaxed. People can make
new friends, too. Second, they can help us do work -> with certain tasks. Kitchen electronic
devices like microwave, fridge, kettle,… help us cook, heat, and protect food and drinks. (You
should know the distinction between electric devices and electronic devices) Computers, laptops,
ipads,… help students search for information and do exercises. Factories also need a lot of help
-> reap enormous benefits from electronic devices. Last but not least, they can entertain
everyone -> can provide us with a great source of entertainment. Programs in televisions,
laptops,… can help people relax after a hard-working day. Besides, we can enjoy playing games
on computers, phones, ipads,… and so on. Some people are also interested in listening to music
through their own phones. In conclusion, electronic devices provide everyone with many benefits.
Sth, sth, and so on/ sth, sth, etc.

Paragraph 5 – 8.5 điểm

Electronic devices and innovations have become crucial in our everyday life; however, they can
also have many negative effects -> pose significant threats to users. First of all, mobile devices
can affect our health both physically and mentally. Electronic can cause people depression,
anxiety, and low self-confident (not parallel). People now spend too many hours watching
television or using their smartphones (watching smartphones?), which means they will do ->have
less time to participate in less physical activities, which is one of the reasons why more and more
people have obesity. Secondly, electronic devices are affecting our environment badly -> also
wreaks havoc on the environment. Toxic chemical (plural form) can be released into the
environment, damaging the air and the atmosphere when the electronic waste is warmed up ->
combusted. Sometimes, when electronic waste is thrown into the sea, it can have a bad -> exert
disastrous impacts on the sea environment and creatures -> marine life. Last but not least,
electronic devices is (VF) causing a lack of face-to-face communication -> is likely to cause
communication breakdowns. (For example, family members tend to spend more time on their
phones than on face-to-face conversations with each other, which will eventually ruin their
relationship). Besides, Communicating online is affecting our social skills, making it harder for us
to deal with real life social interactions. Nowadays, many people mostly communicate on the
internet, meaning they might miss out on body language or facial expressions detecting skills ->
fail to use nonverbal language to express themselves. In conclusion, I hope the aforementioned
can help all of us use electronic devices more effectively and healthily.
Paragraph 6
In the era of technology 4.0, the introduction of electronic tools has met the needs of consumers
around the world. Electronic tools have improved people's quality of life optimally. Today,
electronic tools are no longer strange to consumers around the globe. It has been dominating the
world market because of the benefits it brings to people. Electronic devices such as computers,
phones, digital cameras, etc, have contributed to making searching for information,
entertainment, etc, more convenient. -> Discard! -> 1 topic sentence only!! Besides those
benefits, there are also worrying harms of electronic devices. Smartphones have always had a
terrible attraction for most people because of the fun they bring, which has greatly hindered the
way people communicate with each other and created barriers to exposure society. This
especially affects children. The condition that young children are prone to speech delay, autism,
hyperactivity, do not know how to communicate with society (this sentence has no verb for the
subject “that condition…society”). The number of Children who are addicted to games, fighting, ...
(punctuation) due to early access to television, the internet tends to increase. Therefore, parents
must know how to arrange time for children to interact with electronic devices and go out to play
in the most reasonable way for the development of children (off-track -> discard). In addition,
children who watch TV, play video games, and surf the internet a lot also face many other
harmful effects such as: easy to imitate bad behaviors such as smoking, drinking, drug use,
violence, ... without knowing the difference between real and virtual, good and bad; (punctuation)
It is easy to have nightmares when watching and listening to violent images and sounds that
cause mental stimulation. The most harmful thing -> (avoid this word) that TV, phone causes to
the elderly is the bad effect on the nervous and emotional systems due to abnormal light sources.
(Is this a controlling idea or just a supporting sentence?) Overall, the use of electronic devices is
not necessarily good, but we must know how to use it rationally and effectively.
Comments

- It is too long a paragraph (more than 300 words)

- Ideas are not well-organized -> you should make an outline before
writing. Do you know what is a controlling idea in a paragraph?
Paragraph 7 – 8 điểm
Electronic devices can provide advantages, but they also bring negative effects to our life. In the
first place, they will have bad effects on our health. Looking at the screen of a phone or a
computer for a long time is very dangerous for the eyes. Our eardrums will be adversely affected
if we listen to music through audio devices with a too high volume. Watching too much TV can
also make us get -> causes us headaches and several neurological diseases. Second, electronic
devices can have -> exert a bad impact on our work and studies. They distract students from their
studies: students may play games, text, chat, and even search for answer keys on the Internet
but not do themselves -> instead of solving the problem by themselves. Spending too much time
on electronic devices can make us not to do exercises regularly -> greatly reduce students’ time
for homework and self-study, lead to work efficiency is not high -> leading to their poor
performance at school. Last but not least, they can create many bad habits for us -> people may
get into bad habits when overusing electronic devices. For example, people might take
embarrassing pictures of others, share them on the Internet or use them to demand money, or
force people to do things for them -> or use them as a form of blackmail. Students may be
addicted to games or some entertaining programs on TV or the Internet. Kids may have access to
inappropriate information, videos, and pictures, spend many hours reading and watching them.
In conclusion, electronic devices can bring many disadvantages to people, so we need to use
them reasonably. -> with precautions
Paragraph 8 – 7 điểm
The electronic devices are becoming so popular to people nowadays. Moreover, they brought to
people lots of advantages. However, if you don’t use them wisely, they may be very harmful for
the human. (combine them into 1 sentence) First of all, the electronic devices may make you
become addictive (WF) to those devices. You know, when we are addicted to phones or
computers,… we will sit in front of them for the whole day. As a result, you will have problems
with your health. For example, short-sighted or obesity,…(fragment) Actually, this can only
happen when you spend too much time playing games or watching videos with the electronic
devices. Therefore, we can see that if we know how to control ourself with the electronic devices,
we can prevent ourself from being addicted to them. (off-track) Secondly, since a lot of young
people reached the technology so early, they (what does this word refer to? People or
technology?) may affect their learning badly. A survey showed that some children used the
electronic devices early can think slower than those who uses those devices later when they
grow up (revise the forms of the verbs in this sentence). The reason why it was so different that
the electronic devices can strongly affect the way children think especially when they are in the
growing age. (what is the subject and what is the verb of this sentence? -> fragment) In
conclusion, the electronic devices maybe (# may be) very harmful to almost everyone who uses
them but if you know how to arrange your time using the devices then it will be fine for not being
harmed by the negative effects of the devices, especially your sons and daughter if you are
parents.
Comments

- The style is more of a speech than of an academic writing.

- The first main idea should be revised -> electronic devices affect your
health (because you are addicted -> you have no time for physical
activities + your eyesight is harmed + your posture is badly affected
too)
Paragraph 9 – 7 điểm
Electronic devices causes (VF) us numerous negative effect (plural form). If we use too much
electronic devices, we will some health problems (where is the verb?). First, we have shoulder
train (you mean shoulder strain?) because Laptop computers can aggravate things because the
monitor and keyboard are so close. Users either lift their shoulders to type, or hunch their
shoulders to see. We will have a bad posture or back aches if we sit too long in an uncomfortable
seat. Second, electronic devices not only affect on our body but also on our eyes. They cause us
dry eyes because the bright light, high screen contrasts really take their toll on our eyes. Last but
not least, electronic devices also causes us stress, so we have poor sleep patterns. The reason
for that is electronic devices can cause changes in brain activities and sleep habits. In conclusion,
we shouldn’t spend too much time on electronic devices, stand up and do some outdoor
activities.
Comments:
This paragraph is only about health problems. What about other problems caused by electronic
devices?
Paragraph 10 – 8.5 điểm
While electronic devices have become more and more widespread in modern life, they also have
some following negative impacts. In the first place, using these creations -> technological can be
highly addictive. For instance, not only children but also adults daily play games, surf the net,
watch television, all of which consume time and interfere with learning, working. The next point is
that spending too much time in front of the screen can lead to variety of health problems, such as:
obesity, short-sightedness, backache. It can also harm our brain, putting us at the risk for brain
cancer, particularly teenagers and children who are under 16 years old. Last but not least, many
electronic inventions have limitations on security. Some users take advantages of them for illegal
purposes, include -> including: stealing information, spamming or even threatening others. In
short, each person should manage the way electronic gadgets are used in a reasonable manner.