SUHBAH INSTITUTE’S

260 ESSENTIAL
QUESTIONS BEFORE
MARRIAGE
BY
MAHAD QAMAR & SAFIYA RAVAT

SUHBAH.COM
SUHBAH.COM SUHBAH INSTITUTE - ESSENTIAL QUESTIONS BEFORE MARRIAGE

Table of Contents
1. About Us
2. For Singles
3. Why Use This Guide?
4. How to Use This List
5. Essential Advice Before Starting
6. Ice Breakers
7. Entertainment/Leisure Activities
8. Work Life & Community Involvement
9. Religion
10. Communication & Conflict Resolution
11. Love and Relationship
12. Household
13. Family and Extended Family
14. Children
15. Handling Finances
16. Health and Wellness
17. Previous Marriage/Engagement

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In the name of Allah, The Abundantly Merciful, Caring, Loving and Forgiving

We begin in the name of Allah, The Abundantly Merciful, Caring, Loving and Forgiving. We ask
for His blessings and forgiveness. We ask Allah to send His peace and blessings on the final
Prophet Muhammad (s). We ask Allah to make this book a valuable resource for those who are
looking to get married. We ask Allah to allow the men and women that use this book to better learn
and understand one another. After learning about one another, we ask Allah to assist them in
making a decision that leads them to success and happiness in this life and the next. Ameen!

About Us

Mahad Qamar and Safiya Ravat are the founders and directors of Suhbah Institute in
Houston, Texas, USA. They have been married over a decade and have a beautiful young son. They
hold a bachelor’s degree in Islamic Law and Jurisprudence (Fiqh and Usul al Fiqh) from the
International Islamic University of Malaysia and head the Suhbah Seminary in Houston and online.
They are completing their Master’s in Pastoral Counseling in Marriage and Family Therapy, and are
the creators of essential programming for singles, engaged and married folk including “Finding the
One” Singles Marriage Prep, “Strong Couples” Pre-Marital Counseling and Marital Enrichment,
“Conversations” Singles Discussion Circles, and much more. Visit suhbah.com for more information
on their programs.

For Singles

1. Suhbah Institute offers “FINDING THE ONE” a singles Marriage prep class. This class
covers topics such as:
• Am I ready?
• Navigating expectations from parents, culture, and society
• Where to find a spouse
• How to approach someone for marriage
• What to look for in a partner
• Ways to get to know someone and the DOs and DON’Ts of courting

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• Questions to ask your potential spouse BEFORE getting married

…and more

To sign up for FINDING THE ONE” go to Suhbah.com/singles

2. If you are interested in meeting other single Muslims in a natural stress-free environment,
sign up for Suhbah “CONVERSATIONS” a 3-Week discussion circle course that meets twice
a week online. The program consists of a 15-minute talk led by Mahad & Safiya followed by
breakout discussion circles led by moderators where participants discuss the topics with one
another. The moderators will also provide light-hearted questions for participants to discuss
so they can get to know one another better and connect with other singles in a meaningful
way.

To sign up for “CONVERSATIONS” go to Suhbah.com/singles

Why Use This Guide?

Divorce is far too common in our society. Common complaints of individuals considering
divorce include: “My spouse isn’t who I thought they were,” “I didn’t know ________ about my
spouse,” “I can’t live with my spouse because they didn’t tell me _________ before marriage.”
These questions and many others show how couples and families may rush into marriage before
taking the proper steps and precautions as we are taught by Allah and the Prophet Muhammad (s).
This list of questions is to help you learn about and better understand your prospective spouse. It
consists of the most common questions recommended by relationship psychologists and marriage
counselors, modified for a Muslim audience. Mahad and Safiya also added their own essential
questions from a religious and spiritual perspective, as well as questions from their Strong Couples
– Pre-Marital Training course.

How to Use This List

1. This list of questions was prepared for prospective spouses to ask one another. However,
many of these questions should be asked to your prospective spouse’s family, friends,
colleagues, mentors, and references. Having a conversation with your prospective spouse
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gives you a good insight into them and asking their loved ones and those who know them
best gives you additional valuable insight.
2. For the most part, the initial questions of each section are meant to be easier to answer
and they may become more challenging and personal in nature as you move through the
list. We recommend going through the list in order instead of jumping around.
3. Resist the urge to skips sections. You may want to skip sections because you believe your
thoughts and opinions are aligned on that topic, however there may be fundamental
differences after having a deeper discussion.

Essential Advice Before Starting

1. A helpful suggestion we give couples is to write out their answers and share it with their
potential spouse before discussing their thoughts. This way, you can both read each other’s
thoughts instead of one person sharing their thoughts and the other person merely
agreeing. It is common for couples to be overly agreeable with one another initially -
instead of sharing their true thoughts and feelings, similar to an interview where we may be
willing to impress the interviewer at any cost. This tip won’t need to be used for simpler
questions, but try using this tip for questions of a heavier nature.
2. Allah always does what is best for us in this life and the next. This list may help you both
realize that you share core values and appreciate one another’s differences, thus leading to
marriage. It could also show you that your core values are not aligned and your differences
could cause serious problems, thus leading to respectfully parting ways. If you end up not
getting married and moving on, don’t see this as a failure, rather, view it as a massive
success. You would rather know that you are not compatible and suitable for one another
before marriage than after marriage and experience the regret of not taking the proper
steps before marriage.
3. Before getting married, it is ESSENTIAL to know what you are looking for in a spouse and
how to navigate the expectations of yourself and those around you. Suhbah Institute offers
“Finding the One” a Singles Marriage Prep course – to help singles look at pursuing
marriage from a number of different perspectives, Go to Suhbah.com/singles to register
for this 4-hour course.
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4. After finding the one, it is ESSENTIAL to get premarital counseling/training. Couples who do
so are 30% less likely to get divorced. If you could improve your overall relationship and
significantly lower your chances of divorce, why wouldn’t you? Suhbah Institute offers
“STRONG COUPLES” an Islamic Premarital Class for engaged and newly married couples.
The course covers the most essential aspects of marriage from a marital counseling and
Islamic perspective. For more information visit: Suhbah.com/marriageprep.

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260 ESSENTIAL
QUESTIONS BEFORE
MARRIAGE

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SUHBAH.COM SUHBAH INSTITUTE - ESSENTIAL QUESTIONS BEFORE MARRIAGE

Ice Breakers

These questions are to help you get the ball rolling and break the ice.

1. Someone walks into the room and you smile from ear to ear; who is that person?
2. What is the last good laugh you had?
3. Have you ever had any pets?
4. Who was your favorite teacher and why?
5. Who is one of your best friends? What do you like about them?
6. What is your first/oldest memory?
7. Which would you choose - dishes or laundry?
8. If you were a superhero, what would your power be?
9. What are your main hobbies?
10. What is one awesome thing about your job/career/major and what is one difficult thing
about it?
11. Your thoughts on social media. Mention some pros and cons
12. What's the best thing about being you?
13. What has been a defining moment in your life?

14. Would you rather be rich and miserable or poor and happy?

15. What are your educational goals?

16. What are your career aspirations?

17. What makes you most joyful? What do you do when you are joyful?

18. What makes you most insecure? How do you handle your insecurities?

19. What is your greatest limitation?

20. What is your greatest strength?

21. Where would you like to be in life 1 year from now? 5 years from now? 10 years from
now?

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Entertainment/Leisure Activities

We can learn a lot about somebody by discussing how we like to have fun.

22. What would be the perfect weekday evening to you?

23. What do you like to do on the weekends?
24. What are your top 3 hobbies/leisure activities?
25. What is an activity you have wanted to do, but did not get the chance to do it yet?
26. What are some hobbies you want to pursue with your future spouse?
27. How important is spending time with friends to you?
28. How important is spending time alone to you?
29. Do you enjoy traveling?
30. What was your favorite trip? And why was it so memorable?
31. What is your ideal local day/weekend trip?
32. How often would you like to travel?
33. Where would you like to travel?
34. How would you feel about me going on a trip with my friends for a couple of days?
35. What would we do if we both had a break from work, but each of us had different ideas on
how to spend it?

Work Life & Community Involvement

Understanding how a person works and dedicates their free time outside of leisure will give you a
major glimpse into their personality and what is important to them.

36. What was the first job you had?

37. Where have you volunteered before?
38. What has your favorite job/volunteer experience been?
39. What was your least favorite job/volunteer experience?
40. Who was your favorite supervisor/boss?
41. Who was your least favorite supervisor/boss?
42. Are you working in your chosen field?
43. How many hours a week do you work?
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44. How many hours a week will you work in your desired field?
45. What does your job entail? (For example, do you often travel for business, work at home,
performs dangerous tasks?)
46. What is your dream job?
47. Have you ever been called a workaholic?
48. Would you consider yourself a perfectionist?
49. Have you ever been fired?
50. Have you ever quit a job suddenly? Have you changed jobs a lot?
51. Do you consider your work a career or just a job?
52. What is your retirement plan? What do you plan to do when you stop working?
53. Are there any projects you are passionate about?
54. Let’s draw a pie chart showing how we each spend our time.

Religion

Everyone is at a different stage in their journey of belief and practice. Here are some questions to
gauge where both of you are spiritually and where you aspire to be:

55. Growing up, how did you learn about Islam?

56. What were some positives and negatives regarding how you were taught about Islam?

57. If you had negative experiences, what can we do now to learn about Islam in an
encouraging and positive environment?

58. What role does Islam play in your life now?

59. How is your relationship with Allah?

60. What are ways you could improve your relationship with Allah?

61. What is your opinion of Allah?

62. Do you believe Allah is a loving God?

63. What reminds you of the mercy of Allah?

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64. What is a moment in your life where your faith was strengthened in Allah?

65. What is a moment that tested you in your faith?

66. What is a lesson you have learned from the Prophet Muhammad (s)?

67. The Prophet Muhammad (s) is described by Allah as a mercy to all of creation, how can you
incorporate more mercy into your life?

68. What is your biggest struggle when it comes to Islam?

69. How often do you pray (salah)?

70. Is it common for you to delay or miss prayer (salah)?

71. If you are out and won’t be home until prayer (salah) time ends, what are you likely to do?

72. What would you like to improve about your prayer (salah)?

73. How often do you make dua (pray to Allah and ask Him for your needs)?

74. How often do you read the Quran?

75. Do you ever read a translation of the Quran?

• A recommended translation is “The Clear Quran” translated by Dr. Mustafa Khattab

76. How do you improve your knowledge of Islam?

77. How often do you go to the masjid? How often would you like to go?

78. Who are the greatest positive Islamic influences in your life?

Communication & Conflict Resolution

Communication and conflict resolution are the foundations of any healthy relationship. These
questions will help you learn about your different communication and conflict resolution styles:

79. Knowing that couples who attend premarital counseling/training are 30% less likely to get
divorced, would you want to go through a premarital counseling course?
• For more information and to sign up visit https://suhbah.com/marriageprep/
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80. Would you be willing to go to marriage counseling if we were having marital problems?
81. If we have a disagreement that we cannot overcome, who would you want us to go to for
counseling?
82. What do you find easier to convey: your thoughts or feelings?
83. When you need to apologize, do you rush to apologize or do you give the person time and
space before apologizing?
84. How do you handle disagreements?
• Mention examples of past disagreements and how you worked through them with
family, friends, colleagues, etc.
85. Would you rather stay silent about an issue in fear that a larger problem/argument may
arise?
86. Do you emotionally rush into conversations in hopes of trying to resolve a situation?
87. Would you rather discuss issues as they arise or wait until you have a few problems?
88. When a problem arises, do you want to fix the situation immediately or do you want time
and space?
89. Have you ever had to help two parties reconcile?
90. If there is a disagreement between me and your family, how would you handle the situation?
91. How would you communicate if you are dissatisfied emotionally and/or physically?
92. What is the best way to handle disagreements in a marriage?
93. How can I be better at communicating with you?

Love and Relationship

These questions are to help you learn about one another’s styles of love and affection as well your
expectations of one another. Some of these questions will also deal with major challenges which
zap the love from a relationship.

94. What excites you about getting married?

95. What is your biggest fear about marriage?

96. How do you show your love for those who you care about?

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97. What are ways you feel loved by others?

98. What are 3 strengths in your family that you would want to emulate in your marriage?
99. What are 3 weaknesses in your family that you would NOT want to emulate in your
marriage?

100. What would a loving marriage look like to you?

101. How do you think life would change if we got married?

102. What is the best thing about marriage?

103. What is the worst thing about marriage?

104. What are your thoughts on having a 1 on 1 meal with someone of the opposite gender?

105. Would you ever have a private heartfelt conversation with someone of the opposite
gender?

106. What do you believe are causes of physical cheating?

107. How can it be prevented?

108. What do you believe are causes of emotional cheating?

109. How can it be prevented?

110. Many times, emotional and physical infidelity take place in a marriage because one or both
spouses feel that they have fallen out of love, so they look for a meaningful relationship
outside their marriage. What are ways you would maintain the love and connection with
your spouse?

111. Regarding infidelity, we are familiar with physical cheating, but emotional cheating is
discussed far less. Emotional cheating is when someone becomes emotionally
invested/involved with someone of the opposite gender outside of their spouse. What are
your thoughts on both forms of cheating?

112. Emotional cheating can often lead to physical cheating. What are your thoughts on friends
of the opposite gender?

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Household

These set of questions are to help you understand how your prospective spouse functions in their
household and what to expect after marriage.

113. Where do you spend most of your time in your home?

114. Where do your family members spend most of their time in your home?

115. Where do you want to live?

116. Do you prefer urban, suburban, or rural settings?

117. What kind of a home do you envision living in for the first few years of marriage?

118. Would you consider moving if I had to relocate for my job?

119. Would you ever consider living with family?

120. What takes priority for you: work or family?

121. How often do you cook?

122. Are you a do-it yourselfer, or would you rather hire professionals?

123. Do you prefer to clean your own home or hire a housekeeper?

124. What chores do you do around your home currently?

125. What are chores you dread doing?

126. What are chores the MUST get done?

127. Do you believe that roles in your family should be filled by the person best equipped for the
job, even if it is an unconventional arrangement?

128. How would household chores be distributed?

129. What do you believe the role of a wife is?

130. What do you believe the role of a husband is?

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131. How often do you like to have family/friends over?

132. How long do your parties usually last?

133. What do you like to do when your family/friends are together?

134. Describe your hosting style when guests are over.

135. What are some MUSTs at a gathering you are hosting?

136. What are some MUST NOTs at a gathering you are hosting?

137. How often do you have out of town guests stay with you?

138. What is an acceptable amount of days for a guest to stay over?

Family and Extended Family

In-law issues are some of the most common causes of conflict in Muslim marriages. These
questions will help you learn about each other’s family dynamics and how to navigate these
important yet delicate relationships after marriage.

139. Are you closer to your mother or father? And why?

140. What is your favorite thing about your mom?

141. What is your favorite thing about your dad?

142. Which of your siblings are you closest with? And why?

143. What is your favorite thing about your siblings?

144. Are you close to your grandparents?

145. Are you close to your uncles and aunts?

146. Are you close to your cousins?

147. How often would you want to visit your family?

148. How often will your family visit us?

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149. How often would you want my family to visit?

150. How often would you want to visit my family?

151. How would you handle holiday family visits?

152. How much influence do your parents still have over your decisions?

153. What role would your parents play in your marital life?

154. What would your course of action be if your parents and spouse had a disagreement?

155. What would your course of action be if your parents wanted you to do one thing, but your
spouse wanted you to do the opposite? Ex: career, living situation, attending an event, etc.

156. Are there any family disputes that might affect your spouse?

157. If your parents couldn’t take care of themselves, would you take them in?

158. If my parents couldn’t take care of themselves, would you mind taking them in?

Children

Use these questions to discuss your thoughts on children, their education and upbringing.

159. How many kids do you want?

160. How far apart do you want kids?
161. What are your thoughts on family planning/birth control?
162. What values do you want to instill in your children?
163. How much say do children have in a family?
164. How comfortable are you around children?
165. Would you put your children in private, Islamic, public or home school?
166. What are your thoughts on adoption?
167. Would you be willing to adopt if we couldn't have kids?
168. Would you be willing to seek medical treatment if we couldn't have kids naturally?
169. Would you want someone to stay home with the kids or use daycare?

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170. Would you be opposed to having our parents watch the children so we can spend time
alone together?
171. How involved do you want grandparents to be in our parenting?
172. What if our children don’t want to go to college?
173. How do you feel about paying for your kid's college education?
174. How were you disciplined and what kind of effect did it have on you?
175. How do you want to discipline your kids?
176. Do you believe it's OK to discipline your child in public?

Handling Finances

Money, debt, and finances are some of the biggest reasons for conflict in marriages. Here are a few
important finance points to talk about before marriage:

177. What is the most you would be willing to spend on a meal?

178. What is the most you would be willing to spend on shoes?
179. What is the most you would be willing to spend on clothing?
180. How often do you buy new electronic devices (phone, laptop, tv, etc)?
181. What is the most you would be willing to spend on a hotel?
182. What is the most you would be willing to spend on a trip?
183. What is the most you would be willing to spend on a car?
184. What is the most you would be willing to spend on a house?
185. What are your views on saving money?
186. What are your views on spending money?
187. Do you have a budget you stick to?
188. How do you feel about debt?
189. Do you have any debt?
190. How important is it for you to make a lot of money?
191. What is your annual income?
192. How important is it to you to contribute time or money to charity?
193. Which kind of charities do you like to support? How much of your annual income do you
donate to charity?
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194. Do you pay alimony or child support?

195. Have you ever been taken advantage of financially?
196. Would you be fine with having separate and/or joint bank accounts after marriage?
197. What if we both want something but can't afford both?
198. Do you plan to rent or buy a home after marriage?
199. What do you like to spend your money on the most (shopping, dining, travel, etc)?
200. Do you feel it is important to save for retirement?
201. What are your thoughts on a dual income household vs. just the husband working?
202. Would you be willing to get a second job if we had financial problems?
203. What if a family member wants to borrow a large sum of money?
204. Who will take care of the financial matters of the household?

Health and Wellness

Family and personal medical information are important to ask your future husband or wife. You may
feel shy to ask some of these questions, but if they go unanswered before marriage, they can cause
a tremendous amount of distress in your relationship.

205. What kind of physical activity do you do in the week?

206. What physical activity would you like to do more of?

207. Are you willing to exercise with me to improve our health?

208. How important is it that you always look your best?

209. How important is your spouse’s appearance to you inside and outside of the house?

210. Are you self-conscious about your looks?

211. When you were younger, were you self-conscious about your looks?

212. Do you worry about getting old? Do you worry about losing your looks?

213. Is weight control important to you?

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214. Is your spouse’s weight important to you? What would your reaction be if your partner
were to gain a significant amount of weight?

215. What is your diet like?

216. What would you like to remove/decrease from your diet?

217. What would you like to add/increase to your diet?

218. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder?

219. If I had to change my diet because of medical concerns, would you be willing to change
yours?

220. Do you have health insurance?

221. Do you have any physical illnesses you are aware of?

222. Are you ever reluctant to go to a doctor?

223. Do you have any mental illnesses you are aware of?

224. Would you be opposed to mental health treatment?

225. Do you have a family history of diseases or genetic abnormalities?

226. What is your medical family history?

227. Do you have any sexually transmitted infections or diseases?

228. Have you ever been physically abused?

229. Have you ever been emotionally abused?

230. Have you ever been sexually abused?

231. Have you ever been in a serious accident?

232. What is the most traumatic incident in your life?

233. If any previous abuse causes you mistrust or apprehension in your marriage, would you be
willing to go to counseling to resolve those past traumas?

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234. How would you define addiction?

235. Have you ever been addicted to something?

236. Do you smoke? Have you tried stopping?

237. Do you do hookah? Have you tried stopping?

238. Do you drink alcohol? Have you tried stopping?

239. Have you ever fought alcohol addiction?

240. Do you do drugs? Have you tried stopping?

241. Have you ever fought drug addiction?

242. Do you take any medication that has side effects?

243. Do you watch pornography?

244. Have you ever fought pornography addiction?

Previous Marriage/Engagement

These questions are for individuals who have been previously engaged or married.

245. Have you been engaged before?

246. How long were you engaged?
247. What were reasons you got engaged to that individual?
248. What were reasons for breaking off the engagement?
249. How do you think you handled breaking off the engagement?
250. Are you still emotionally invested in that individual?
251. Does the engagement still bring up hurtful emotions for you?
252. Have you been married before? If so, are you divorced or widowed?
253. How do you think you handled the loss?
254. How long were you married?
255. Did you ever seek out marital counseling?
256. Do you have any children?
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257. If so, what role does your ex play in the lives of your children?
258. What were some successes of that relationship?
259. What were some challenges that led to divorce?
260. If trauma from your past relationship begins affecting your relationship with your spouse or
similar relationship struggles arise, would you be open to going for counseling?

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May Allah guide you both to what is best for you in this world and the next. Ameen!

-Mahad and Safiya

info@suhbah.com

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