Do men and women speak different languages?
WHY MEN CAN ONLY DO ONE THING AT A TIME
By CHERRY MASLEN, Daily Mail
WHY HE CAN'T FIND THINGS IN FRIDGES AND CUPBOARDS
Men often accuse women of hiding things from them. Socks,
underwear, butter, car keys, wallets. But, as any woman knows,
they're all there. It's just that men can't see them. So why don't
they notice what's right in front of their faces?
Because a woman has a wider arc of peripheral vision than a man -
possibly because of her ancient role as a 'nest-defender' - she can
see most of the contents of a fridge or cupboard without moving
her head.
This is the opposite to a man, whose vision is more tunnel-like
(configured for long distances - a throwback from their days as
hunters).
A woman can identify matching items in a drawer, cupboard or
across a room and later remember objects in a complex random
pattern - such as where the butter is in the fridge.
But, because of their tunnel vision, men can have difficulty locating
things at close range - keys, socks and so on.
New research even suggests that male brains are searching in the
fridge for the word butter.
If the packet is facing the wrong way, they just can't see it.
Women can't believe men are so unobservant. Yet, to be fair, men
are often amazed at how a woman can't see a flashing red oil light
on a car dashboard, yet can spot a dirty sock in a dark corner 50
yards away.
A woman's life is much less stressful when she understands the
problems men have seeing things at close range.
And when a woman tells a man 'It's in the cupboard!' it is less
stressful for him to believe her, and continue his search.
A WOMAN'S brain has a ten per cent thicker connecting cord
between the left and right lobes, and up to 30 per cent more
connections.
A woman can do several unrelated things at the same time and her
brain is never disengaged.
She can have a conversation on the telephone at the same time as
cooking a new recipe and watching television. She can walk, talk
and apply lipstick - all at the same time.
Men's brains are compartmentalised. That's why they can only
concentrate on one thing at a time.
If a man is shaving and you talk to him, he'll cut himself. If he's
hammering and the doorbell rings, he'll hit his thumb.
If you talk to him when he's driving, he'll miss the turn- off. These
can be excellent revenge tactics for a woman.
SEX: THE REAL DIFFERENCES
Tests show that a man who has a pent-up desire for sex has
difficulty hearing, thinking, or driving. He also suffers a form of time
distortion, where three minutes feels like 15.
If a woman wants an intelligent decision from a man, she's better
off discussing it after sex, when his brain is clear, rather than
before.
For a woman, talking can be a crucial part of the build-up to sex
because words are all-important to her. Equally, men love to hear
women talk about sex.
But the big difference is that, because most men can only do one
thing at a time, he can't really talk during sex.
For a man to talk during sex, he needs to switch to his left brain,
whereas a woman can do both.
A woman should be aware that, if she talks during sex (not counting
mmmms and aaaahs), a man may feel obliged to respond, and the
moment can be lost. Brain scans show that during sex a man is so
intent on what he's doing that he's virtually deaf.
THE 'SILENT TREATMENT'
For a woman, speech has a clear purpose, to build relationships and
make friends - not necessarily to solve problems.
If a woman is talking to a man a lot, she likes him. If she's not
talking to the man in her life, he's in trouble.
If a woman wants to punish a man, she won't talk to him. Men call
this 'the silent treatment'.
When a man is being given the silent treatment, it will take him
around nine minutes of silence to realise that he's being punished.
Until the nine-minute mark is reached, he sees her silence as a kind
of bonus - he's getting some peace and quiet.
But men should beware - long silences mean there's trouble ahead.
WOMEN'S 'INTUITION'
Women are equipped with far more finely-tuned sensory skills than
men. As child-bearers and nest-defenders, they needed the ability
to sense subtle mood and attitude changes in others that could
signal pain, hunger, injury or aggression.
This is commonly called 'women's intuition' - and it's something
that has always bewildered men.
Males, as hunters, were never around the cave long enough to
learn to read the non-verbal signals or the ways of interpersonal
communication.
Brain scans show that when a man's brain is in a resting state, at
least 70 per cent of its electrical activity is shut down.
Scans of women's brains show a level of 90 per cent activity during
the same state, confirming that women are constantly receiving
and analysing information from their environment.
That's why a woman knows her children's friends, hopes, dreams,
fears, what they are thinking, how they are feeling, and, usually,
what mischief they are plotting.
And why men are vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.
WHY WOMEN END RELATIONSHIPS
A woman's brain wiring makes her world full of feelings, emotions,
communication and words. Saying 'I love you' is rarely a problem.
She knows when she feels warm, wanted and adored, and when
she's in love.
Women can also recognise when love does not exist, or when it has
ceased to exist. That's why most relationships are ended by women.
But ending a relationship with a man without hurting his
masculinity is a problem. 'Get out' might sound like a challenge.
However, there is a foolproof way of ending a relationship with a
man who you think is not in love with you. Just say: 'I love you ... I
want to marry you.' Or: 'I want to have your children.' Sometimes
they leave a cloud of dust.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothes and place in laundry hampers. Get in shower. Look
for facecloth, arm cloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone. Wash hair twice with cucumber and grapefruit
shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and grapefruit conditioner with
enhanced natural crocus oil. Wash rest of body with Ginger Nut and
Jaffa Cake body wash.
Dry self with towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in
super-absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest
signs of blemishes. Spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile. Walk
naked to bathroom. Look in mirror and suck in stomach to admire
manly physique.
Get in shower. Don't bother to look for face cloth, don't need one.
Wash face. Wash armpits.
Shampoo hair but don't bother with conditioner.
Get out of shower, failing to notice water on floor because shower
curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
Leave bathroom light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel
round waist. Put on yesterday's clothes.
WORDS OF WISDOM . . .
Marriage has its good side. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance,
tolerance, selfrestraint, and other valuable qualities you wouldn't
need if you stayed single.
'You're a lousy lover!' she said. 'How can you tell that in two
minutes?' he asked.
Men's sex drive is like a microwave - it can operate at full capacity
within seconds, and can be turned off just as quickly.
Women's sex drive is like an electric oven - it heats slowly to its top
temperature and takes a long time to cool down.
Stressed men drink alcohol and invade other countries.
Stressed women eat chocolate and invade shopping centres.
DICTIONARY DEFINITIONS
THINGY For a female: Any part under a car bonnet. For a male: The
strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE For a female: Fully opening up oneself emotionally to
another.
For a male: Playing cricket without a helmet, box or pads.
COMMITMENT For a female: A desire to get married and raise a
family. For a male: Not trying to chat up other women while out
with one's girlfriend.
WOMEN TALK - AND MEN LISTEN (SOMETIMES)
'ONCE I didn't talk to my wife for six months,' said a husband. 'I
didn't want to interrupt.'
The average length of a woman's telephone call is at least 18
minutes. The average length of of a man's telephone call is less than
three minutes.
MEN'S AND WOMEN'S BRAINS
A man's brain is organised for a 'how-do-I-fix it?' response to life.
The trouble is, men use this 'fix it' criterion in their approach to
almost everything.
One woman said she wanted her husband to show a more loving
attitude towards her. So he mowed the lawn. When she said she
still wasn't happy, he painted the kitchen. And when this didn't
work, he offered to take her to a football match.
• Extracted from Why Men Can Only Do One Thing At A Time And
Women Never Stop Talking by Allan and Barbara Pease, published
by Orion at £5.99. Copyright ° 2003, Allan and Barbara Pease
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