Seeking growth and renewal in marriage through The Third Option: Minsitry prepares for a new

session
By Laura Iunghuhn for The Catholic Moment

During Pre-Cana, the weekend retreat couples must attend before marriage, the first talk given is
on communication – if you can talk with your spouse openly and honestly, then your marriage
has the foundation for success. If you can talk to one another, everything else tends to fall into
place. For many new couples, this may seem easy as free time is often devoted to each other;
however, after marriage, life can change rapidly as couples begin families, jobs change and
households move. New stressors can put strain on a marriage, even one that is considered strong.
Hoping to renew marriage commitments and revitalize mutual love, many couples in the diocese
seek instruction through The Third Option, a skills-based program designed to create self-aware-
ness and change in marital relationships.

The Third Option believes in the value of marriage and works to promote growth and reconcilia-
tion between couples through a program of support. This philosophy of reconciliation is designed
for couples facing serious marital conflict that may lead to divorce as well as for couples who
may only butt heads from time to time. The program’s 14-step process works through key com-
munication and problem solving skills to help spouses work through those moments in daily life
which cause conflict.

“You think you know each other,” said Joe Seurynck, parishioner of St. Joseph in Delphi, who
attended The Third Option with his wife Kay about three years ago and both are now on the The
Third Option team. Even with lengthy marriages, like the Seurynck’s 53 years, communication
can break down and issues that should be discussed aren’t. “And all of a sudden you get this re-
action from them, and you’re saying to yourself, ‘Where’d this come from?’” Joe said. When
these lapses in communication do arise, The Third Option helps couples navigate the anger that
may result and create a relationship that allows for empathy and understanding. “And I love un-
derstand as a word,” Joe said, “because all you have to do is reverse it. To stand under. To put
yourself beneath, to humble yourself.” Humility and deference to the other is at the core of mar-
riage as Jesus taught with the new covenant, putting the welfare of the Church above his own
life. The Third Option recalls this reality in its instruction, reminding couples of God’s role in
marriage and his grace in healing those which are struggling.

“Number one is the commitment with God,” said Teresita Sitjar, parishioner of St. Joseph in
Rochester, who attended The Third Option with her husband Jay last year. “When you get mar-
ried, you get married in front of God. And the sessions remind you that you have to let God work
in your marriage.” Teresita and Jay, married for 38 years, have recently faced tension in their
marriage as changes have taken place with jobs, family, and health. After hearing Deacon Ed
Boes speak about The Third Option at Mass, the couple felt like they were being spoken to di-
rectly and started the program as soon as they could. “We started on the seventh step,” she re-
called, “and believe it or not, that was the one we needed. God has prepared everything for us.”

Both the Seuryncks and Teresita pointed out that all relationships are full of ups and downs, mo-
ments where it’s hard to be patient or hard to forgive, and for them The Third Option has made
the transition between the good and the bad smoother as they’ve learned better communication
skills. However, for some couples, the low points outweigh the high, and the reconciliation isn’t
as easy. “Rick and I have always struggled with communication in our marriage along with other
things,” said Melanie Goode, who attends St. Mary in Muncie with her husband. “We have
talked about divorce several times throughout our 29 years of marriage.” Yet, there has always
been something that has turned the couple back to God, whether it be counseling, retreats, or the
support of family and friends, and were able to seek some reconciliation which has kept them to-
gether. In February, with the encouragement of their pastorate priest, Melanie and Rick attended
The Third Option together, in an effort to rebuild the areas in which their marriage struggled.
“We made a vow in marriage,” Melanie said, “and we believe God keeps his part of that oath to
help us through. And he has for us and one of those lifelines is Third Option.”

These three couples, along with many others, have found ways to heal through The Third Option.
They attribute this not directly to the skills that are taught but how they are taught. The program
is community-based, and each two hour session includes a “sharing,” during which a mentor
couple tells the attendees a struggle they had in their own marriage and how they worked to
overcome it. “People can really be touched during a sharing,” Kay Seurynck said. “They can see
themselves in the story, and it can be really insightful. It’s much better than just giving them a
technique.” Seeing how the skills taught in The Third Option are used can help the attendees de-
velop ways to use them in their own marriages.

The “sharings” also create a common ground between the program’s team and those who are
seeking growth. “Being able to talk openly about our difficulties and know we are not the only
ones facing challenges in our marriage is a big help,” said Melanie. “It’s good to hear from other
couples who took these marriage vows before God have also faced challenges and are learning
skills to get through.” Knowing there are others who struggle is a source of hope and can help
one see there is a way to overcome disagreement and difficulties in marriage.

The Third Option teaches skills to help examine personal behaviors and tendencies that affect
communication between spouses. Though the ultimate goal is to strengthen marriages, the focus
is placed on changing oneself rather than the other. The program asks: How can I change so that
I may love my spouse as God does? Change does come, but it is a process that takes time. “Our
problem has been there for a long time,” Teresita said, “and you can’t just erase it in one or two
minutes. So we’re learning.”

This is a learning that began with Pre-Cana, where couples were reminded often of the im-
portance of communication, and never truly ends. “We’re evolving people,” Kay said, “and
we’re always different because of our experiences.” Each day brings new struggles, and spouses
must renew their commitments to each other, to listen and to love, so that they may come to bet-
ter know God’s love through each other.

The Third Option resumes September 13, on Monday nights from 7-9pm at The Church of the
Blessed Sacrament in Lafayette. Interested couples can request additional information through
the confidential number, (765) 421-6541, or by email at tt0lafayete@gmail.com.