PreDP1 S 2nd Paragraph Writing Feedback Session

 It’s first benefit is an improvement in your cognitive memory, otherwise/ better

known as muscle memory. 
 There are plenty of many video games which
that are educational and entertaining at the same time. Use which and who instead
of that
 Oxford university graduate and recently hired NASA analyst Daniil Kvyat states, “By
the time our children grow old books are going to be gone and replaced by other,
better and more practical mediums of information.”.
 Meeting children from all around the world is not only an extraordinary,
excellent great opportunity to learn languages, but also to look for similarities
and differences between people. Don’t use basic words: great, good, bad, nice
 “In 30 years, they will be more popular than any other traditional sport.”. 
 Many people who that have worked in an animal shelter believe it has helped them
with their physical and mental health.
 As you can see, In conclusion, the pro e-sport scene is probably much bigger than one
can anticipate, and can be a way to succeed/ to achieve fame/ to expand one’s
business place to blow up in fame. 
 People think of it as the most excellent/ extraordinaryamazing invention of the
human race, although they rarely look at the negative outcomes.
 Seeing that an animal one has been caring for is adopted/ finds getting a home is the
most rewarding feeling a volunteer can experience.
 For example, the August Complex, that happened in August 2020, was caused by a
series of lightning strikes. THERE IS NEVER A COMMA BEFORE THAT IN ENGLISH
 In about 96% of cases wildfires are caused by humanspeople. 
 For instance, a wildfire in September raised interest amongst the public because of
its unusual cause: – a gender reveal party. Don’t use a dash in academic writing
 “I can’t speak on their behalf, but personally, I can only imagine how terrible they
have to feel for a lot of reasons,.” Captain Milloy said of the family. 
 Furthermore, people working in the animal shelter are more emphatic. Unfinished
comparison
 Working in an animal shelter develops human’s emotional intelligence. Vs  In
conclusion, working in an animal shelter influences a human's emotional
intelligence. Always paraphrase your concluding sentence
 Additionally, according to Tthe New York Times, “Airlines are not as
prestigious as they used to be; but on the other hand, the number of air
travellers is higher than ever and the growth is steady.” 
Italics – titles of works published on their own: novels, films, titles of TV series,
volumes of poetry, magazines, academic journals
Quotation marks for titles of works that are published as a part of a bigger work:
article in a newspaper, chapter in a novel, title of an episode in a series, poem, song,
a short story in a collection
 The Wright brothers penned their names down in aviation history, when
their plane flew for 12 seconds;, thirteen years later, the first passenger aircraft
took off. 
 Working at an animal shelter is an excellent great way of spending one’s free
time. 
 This of course comes with a significant pretty huge cost can which range from 70-100
thousand dollars. Don’t use “of course”,
 This means that if one wants a very superior education, he or she/ they needs
a scholarship, or needs to be very wealthy. Don’t use very in academic writing; use
gender neutral language
 While studying abroad, students gain/ obtain get both experience and
knowledge which that can help them settle in the foreign country.
 For example, they may acquire knowledge about the governing routines or
traditions.