Contents

JUST A BIT UNHEALTHY

PART I: BREAKING
Prologue: Bird Stealing Bread
Chapter 1: Undone
Chapter 2: Cut
Chapter 3: Bleeding
Chapter 4: Gone
PART II: ADRIFT
Chapter 5: Claire
Chapter 6: Lies We Tell Others
Chapter 7: Lies We Tell Ourselves
Chapter 8: Alexander
Chapter 9: Fighting Gravity
Chapter 10: Proposition
Chapter 11: Disillusioned
Chapter 12: Claire
PART III: HOME
Chapter 13: Back
Chapter 14: Betwixt and Between
Chapter 15: Sleeping Arrangements
Chapter 16: Bared
Chapter 17: Wanted
Chapter 18: Blurred
Chapter 19: Injured
Chapter 20: Torn
Chapter 21: Fooled
Chapter 22: Loved
Epilogue
About the Series
 JUST A BIT UNHEALTHY

(Book #3 in the Straight Guys series )

Alessandra Hazard

Copyright © 2015 Alessandra Hazard

Editor: Elizabeth Balmanno
Cover by: AKE Media

The Straight Guys series:

Xavier and Sage: Straight Boy: A Short Story (Book #0.5)

Derek and Shawn: Just a Bit Twisted (Book #1)
Alexander and Christian: Just a Bit Obsessed (Book #2)
Jared and Gabriel: Just a Bit Unhealthy (Book #3)
Zach and Tristan: Just a Bit Wrong (Book #4)

This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, and events are the product of the author’s
imagination. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons are purely coincidental.

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any
manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief
quotations in a book review.

This book contains explicit sex and graphic language.

Author’s Note:

Chelsea F.C. is an actual professional football [soccer] club. However, the characters in this
 book exist only in my own mind and are not intended to resemble or represent any actual individuals,
living or dead. Since most of the book is set in England, the term “football” is used instead of “soccer.”

Dedication:

To Michael

~~Just a Bit Unhealthy~~

When the line between “need”and “want” gets blurred…

Gabriel DuVal, rising soccer star.

Jared Sheldon, team physician.
To the outside world, they’re just good friends. But the truth is, Gabriel isn’t entirely sure what
they are to each other.
Some call their relationship unhealthy. Some call it codependency. Gabriel calls it confusing.
He knows Jared wants him – as more than a friend. He doesn’t want Jared. He’s straight, he has a
girlfriend, and he loves her. But Jared is… Jared is more. Jared is his. He needs him – his touch and his
strength.
But is it enough for Jared?
PART I: BREAKING
 Prologue: Bird Stealing Bread

Counting sheep didn’t work.

Gabriel turned onto his back with a sigh. He listened to Claire’s
breathing, trying to let it lull him into sleep.
That didn’t work, either. His girlfriend might be sleeping by his side,
but the person who was on his mind was downstairs, getting drunk. Jared. His
best friend.
Sighing again, Gabriel sat up and buried his fingers in his hair. He held
his breath and strained his hearing. The house was completely quiet. It had
been hours; maybe Jared had finally gone to bed.
And maybe he was still drinking in front of the fireplace.
Clenching his jaw, Gabriel looked at the door.
He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t go downstairs. It would change nothing.
There was nothing he could do for Jared.
After all, he was the reason Jared was drinking.
“Don’t you see how cruel it is? Don’t you care? It’s breaking him.”
Jared’s cousin’s voice echoed in his mind, over and over and over, every
word like a punch to the solar plexus.
Gabriel closed his eyes, trying to block it out. He hadn’t intended to
reveal to Alexander that he knew about Jared’s feelings for him. No one was
supposed to know. Jared wasn’t supposed to know that Gabriel knew. Now
Gabriel couldn’t stop worrying. Alexander had promised not to tell Jared
anything, but Gabriel wasn’t sure he could trust the guy—he had seemed
pretty angry earlier that night.
“He’s not your parent. He’s not your older brother. He’s not a monk.
He’s a healthy man. If you love him as much as you claim to, you’ll stop
being a selfish little shit and let him go.”
Alexander had been right, of course: Gabriel was straight, had a
girlfriend he loved and couldn’t give Jared what he wanted. The right thing to
do would be to tell Jared he knew about Jared’s feelings for him—and that
anything between them was impossible. It would have been kinder to let
Jared leave and find someone else to love.
Except Jared couldn’t leave him. Even thinking about it made his
stomach clench into a painful knot and a surge of panic course through his
entire body. God, this was so fucked up. He’d told Alexander the truth: he
really was glad he wasn’t gay. If he was this needy and dependent when he
didn’t want Jared that way, Gabriel couldn’t imagine what a clingy wreck he
would have been if he actually did want Jared that way. It was bad enough
already.
For fuck’s sake. He was a rising football star and millionaire. He wasn’t
supposed to feel that way anymore. He was no longer a teenager. He was no
longer paralyzed. He wasn’t supposed to still feel like Jared was his anchor.
He had been sixteen when he damaged his spine during some
meaningless friendly match here in the States. The club had put him at the
rehabilitation center where Jared was doing his residency and Jared had been
assigned as his physiotherapist. For seventeen long months, Jared had been
his world: he’d held Gabriel’s hand as he struggled to move his limbs, wiped
the sweat off Gabriel’s forehead, encouraged him and praised his every little
accomplishment. Everyone had thought Gabriel’s career was over before it
even properly began—doctors weren’t optimistic about his chances of
walking again, much less returning to football—but Jared made him believe
he could do it. And he did. The day he took his first steps without falling,
Jared hugged him tightly and whispered, his voice full of pride, “That’s my
boy.” And Gabriel never wanted to let go. Jared was his. He didn’t know
what he would have done without him.
He still didn’t. He might be twenty now, he might be able to walk
again, he might be a star player of an English top club, but nothing had
changed in the way he felt about Jared. He felt truly at peace only when Jared
was with him. If he went a few days without seeing Jared, he started feeling
off-balance and moody—which was unhealthy on so many levels that Gabriel
couldn’t even admit it to the club’s psychologists. They’d think he was nuts,
and rightly so.
Hell, he thought he was nuts for tagging along when Jared had decided
to spend his vacation with his family in the States. By lucky—or unlucky—
coincidence, Gabriel was still recovering from a small ankle injury, or he
wouldn’t have been able to leave England during the height of football
season. He hadn’t wanted to bring his girlfriend with him, but he couldn’t
exactly tell Claire why he didn’t want her to come along. Claire didn’t know
about Jared’s feelings; she didn’t know her presence would be painful for
Jared.
Gabriel pinched the bridge of his nose. Fuck, why did everything have
to be so complicated?
If only Jared hadn’t developed a thing for him…
Except…
Except he kind of…
He didn’t mind.
The embarrassing, shameful truth made Gabriel’s cheeks warm. He
knew it was terribly selfish. He couldn’t be pleased that Jared had unrequited
feelings for him—and he wasn’t. Jared was the nicest person he knew. There
wasn’t anyone in the world who deserved happiness more than Jared. But
Gabriel couldn’t deny that a part of him liked that Jared wasn’t in love with
anyone else. If he were honest with himself, before he’d discovered that Jared
had feelings for him, he’d been afraid Jared would fall in love with some
undeserving idiot and that idiot would take Jared away from him. Now no
one could.
Gabriel shook his head with a grimace. Sometimes these selfish
thoughts sickened even him. Maybe the British media was right: maybe he
really was an egoistic asshole.
A dog howled outside.
The howl went on and on, and Gabriel felt a shiver of unease run down
his spine. It reminded him of the old Ukrainian orphanage, and of cold nights
spent curled under a thin blanket, wishing for something he could call his.
Until Jared, he’d never had something that was truly his. Well, for a brief
three years, his adoptive parents, the DuVals, were his—sort of. They had
been kind enough people but not very good parents: always too busy
traveling around the world as volunteers to pay much attention to their
adopted kids. Gabriel had never grown to love them. He wondered what it
said about him that the only thing he had felt when he’d found out about his
adoptive parents’ death was indifference. He had used to wonder if
something was fundamentally wrong with him, if he was incapable of loving
people. He no longer did. He could love people. He loved Claire. And Jared.
He loved Jared a bit too much for his liking.
The dog howled outside again, a mournful howl. The feeling of
loneliness crept up inside of him, like a long lost friend. Loneliness and
something worse: fear.
Careful not to wake Claire, Gabriel slipped out of the bed and left the
bedroom.
The second floor of the small house was completely dark. He went
downstairs, shivering a little as his bare feet touched the cold floor.
The fire was dying in the fireplace and the glowing embers barely lit the
living room. Jared was asleep on the couch by the fireplace, a half-empty
bottle still grasped in his hand.
Gabriel walked closer. His eyes traveled over the familiar features and
dark stubble on the square jaw. Jared’s face was peaceful, free of harsh lines
or worries, but even in sleep, he looked a little sad and dejected.
Gabriel’s throat closed up.
The wind howled; the snowstorm was still raging outside.
He sat on the couch next to Jared and put his head on his shoulder. He
breathed in, letting Jared’s familiar scent wash over him. It was usually
enough to calm him, but this time, the fear in the pit of his stomach only
worsened.
He would lose Jared. Sooner or later, Jared would decide he couldn’t do
it anymore. He would leave him.
Gabriel burrowed deeper into Jared’s side, wrapping his arm around his
waist.
Jared stirred in his sleep. “Gabe?” His voice was a hoarse murmur.
“What are you doing here?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” Gabriel said. “You know I hate snowstorms. And this
house is cold. I was freezing.”
“All the more reason to stay in a warm bed,” Jared said.
He didn’t sound drunk. How long had he been asleep?
Gabriel just hummed something non-committal and snuggled in closer.
Jared smelled good. He always smelled good.
“Cuddle-slut,” Jared said with a chuckle.
 “Shut up. I’m cold.”
Jared sneaked his arm around his torso, pulling him practically onto his
lap.
Gabriel let out a contented noise. He was warm now. “Mmm, much
better,” he said into Jared’s neck.
“I live to serve,” Jared said dryly.
Gabriel wondered how Jared could do this. How could he pretend all
the time? How could he be so nice to Claire? It had to be hard—and
exhausting. It couldn’t go on forever. Jared was the strongest person he knew,
but everyone had a snapping point. Everyone.
Gabriel stared at the glowing red embers of a dying fire. Lately, Claire
had been trying to bring up marriage and babies. He’d been avoiding the
topics as hard as he could, but he couldn’t do it forever without hurting her. It
wasn’t that he didn’t love Claire; he did. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to have
kids; he did. Having a family of his own had always been something he
wanted. But they were too young. What was the rush?
And if he gave in to her wishes, Jared would…Would Jared stay? Could
he do that to Jared?
Let him go. It was Alexander’s voice, hard and angry. If you really love
him, you’ll stop being a selfish shit and let go.
Gabriel squirmed, tightening his arm around Jared’s middle.
A warm, strong hand settled on his nape. “Gabriel?” Jared’s voice was
serious now. Concerned.
Gabriel forced himself not to lean into the touch too much. “They are
right, you know: I’m really an asshole.”
Jared went still.
Outside, the blizzard whipped snow against the window.
“All right, what’s wrong?” Jared said slowly.
Gabriel shook his head. “Never mind. Just…promise me something?”
“What?” Jared’s fingers started running through his hair.
Don’t leave me.
He didn’t say it. He couldn’t say it without arousing Jared’s suspicions.
He couldn’t say it without sounding like a needy child.
“Do you regret moving to England?” Gabriel asked instead. They had
never really talked about it. Yes, it was people at Gabriel’s football club who,
impressed by Gabriel’s unlikely recovery, had offered Jared a job. But he
knew he was the main reason Jared had moved to England after completing
his residency. It was two years ago. Two years of living in each other’s
pockets and Gabriel had never asked. He’d been afraid to ask.
And now, Jared’s silence scared him. Did he regret it? He’d moved to
another country for him and had barely seen his family the last couple of
years.
“No,” Jared said at last, his voice a bit clipped. “I don’t regret it.”
“And you never will?”
“Talking about never and always is naive,” Jared said quietly. “You’re
not naive.”
Gabriel bit the inside of his cheek, feeling a physical ache in his gut. He
became acutely aware of the sound of the clock’s ticking. Time, slipping
away.
He didn’t know what to do.
So he did what he always did when he felt lost, or angry, or upset: he
closed his eyes, burrowed closer into Jared’s side and pretended the problems
didn’t exist.
He was good at that—as long as he had Jared.
As long as he had Jared.
The clock ticked away.
 Chapter 1: Undone

Six months later

At times like this, Jared Sheldon hated his job. Being the Head of
Sports Medicine at a top Premier League club might be prestigious, but as he
stared at the screen of his computer, struggling to remember the injury of
some teenage footballer who no longer played for the club, he hated his job.
If he had known how much of his time would be spent behind a desk as he
filled out paperwork, Jared would have thought twice when Chelsea’s board
had offered him the promotion a year ago.
The phone rang.
His eyes still on the computer screen, Jared answered. “Rebecca, I
asked you not to interrupt me—”
“I know,” his secretary said and lowered her voice. “But your boy is
here.”
Jared glanced at the door. “I don’t know who you’re talking about.”
He didn’t need to see Rebecca to know she was rolling her eyes. “Five-
nine, dirty blond hair, lovely green eyes, and a terrible temper. Gabe. Gabriel
DuVal. Ring any bells?”
“You’ve gotten cheeky, Becca.”
“Me? Never. Can I let him in, please? He’s giving me a headache. He
doesn’t seem to understand he can’t enter your office whenever he wants.”
 Jared couldn’t help a smile. That sounded like Gabriel. “Didn’t you tell
him I’m busy?”
“I did. And you know what he said? ‘But it’s me.’ As if the rules don’t
apply to him.” She couldn’t quite keep the dislike from her voice.
Jared’s smile disappeared. “That’s enough, Rebecca. Let him in.” Jared
hung up, his mood souring. He knew Rebecca meant well. She was just a
little overprotective of him and she had never liked Gabriel. To be fair, Gabe
wasn’t sunshine and rainbows: he could be a bit of a jerk around people he
didn’t care about—which was most people—but he was fiercely loyal to
those few he did care for.
The door opened and Gabriel strode into the room, clad in his blue
training kit. He flopped into the big chair on the other side of Jared’s desk.
“Aren’t you supposed to be training?” Jared asked. Gabriel might be
one of the stars of the team, but even he couldn’t leave the training session
without a good reason.
“Yeah.”
“Are you injured?”
Gabriel caught his bottom lip between his teeth. “My lower back still
hurts a little after the knock I received last week. I need a massage.”
Jared studied him for a moment. He knew Gabriel’s body better than his
own and the tell-tale signs of pain were absent, which meant Gabriel just
wanted a massage. And he usually wanted a massage when he wanted
comfort but would never admit it.
“Ron is the physio on duty right now,” Jared said mildly. “Ask him.”
Gabriel scowled.
Jared let out a laugh. “You do realize I’m not your physio anymore,
right?”
Gabriel cracked a smile. “What, too important for it?”
“Precisely.” Jared stood up and headed to the adjoined examination
room. “All right, come on. Lose the shirt and get on the table.”
By the time he pulled out a bottle of massage oil, Gabriel was already
on the table.
Jared worked the oil around his palms and spread it over Gabriel’s
back, gliding over the curves of his shoulder-blades with a practiced
efficiency.
With a contented sigh, Gabriel relaxed.
Jared focused on working on the kinks, trying to ignore the flawless
pale skin he was touching. Gabriel’s back was strong and lean with well-
toned muscles. Jared’s gaze traveled down the graceful curve of Gabriel’s
back to the pert ass clad only in thin blue shorts.
Setting his jaw, Jared averted his eyes and cleared his throat. “So what’s
got you sulking?”
Gabriel tensed a little before slowly relaxing again as Jared kneaded his
lower back. “The coach wants to move me to the right wing.”
Jared’s eyebrows furrowed. Gabriel was one of the best wingers in
Europe, but it was common knowledge that he was uncomfortable playing on
the right wing. He always played on the left. Always.
“Why?”
“Why do you think?” Gabriel said, not without bitterness. “Because of
the golden boy.”
Jared smiled a little. “He’s your brother, Gabe.”
“No, he isn’t. We aren’t related by blood.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Jared said.
“Tell that to him. He’s the one who constantly reminds the press that
he’s English, while I’m French—or Ukrainian—whatever suits him best.”
Jared shook his head to himself. He’d never understood the fierce
rivalry between Gabriel and his adoptive brother, Tristan. They were the
same age, both orphans, both loved football and both were incredibly
talented, but they couldn’t stand each other. Maybe the problem was that
Gabriel and Tristan hadn’t lived as brothers for long: their adoptive parents,
the DuVals, had died when they were nine and they’d been left in the care of
distant relatives who didn’t particularly want to raise two difficult children
who weren’t even related to them by blood. To get them off their hands, the
relatives had enrolled the boys into the youth academy of a French football
club. Fast-forward six years, and the boys caught the eye of Chelsea’s
scouting network. Jared thought it was pretty ironic that Gabriel and Tristan
hated each other but couldn’t get rid of each other’s company, even in
England.
“What’s Tristan done now?” Jared asked, resuming the massage. “It’s
not his fault if the coach decided to move him to your normal position.”
Gabriel snorted. “Do you really believe that? He always wanted to take
my position. He never passes the ball to me and always tries to make me look
bad, and everyone loves him because he’s so likable and English, and you
know how it is. The British media loves to stir up rubbish and keeps claiming
that I’m ruining the development of a future English superstar.” Gabriel
scoffed. “And that prick constantly adds fuel to the fire and hints to the press
that he would have been playing much better if he played on the left wing.”
Jared ran his hands over the expanse of Gabriel’s back. “Tristan isn’t a
bad kid. I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way.”
“The hell he didn’t!” Gabriel’s muscles became stiff under his hands.
“He’s a manipulative little shit. Why can no one see it but me? He’s a two-
faced suck-up, but everyone thinks he’s such a nice guy. Even you! I
thought…” Gabriel’s voice became tight. “I thought you’d be on my side.
But you’re always so nice to him.”
Jared stopped massaging him and stared at the back of his dark blond
head. “I’m the senior doctor of this football club,” he said slowly. “And he’s
a first team player. It’s my job to be nice to him and make sure he’s fit and in
top form.” He didn’t know why he was even explaining this. He didn’t have
to explain to Gabriel anything. Strictly speaking, Gabriel was just one of
seventy-eight sportsmen of various ages under his care. It was none of
Gabriel’s business how he treated other players.
Except apparently Gabriel thought differently. “I don’t want you to be
nice to him.”
Jared blinked. “What?”
Gabriel turned onto his back, his lips pursed into an unhappy line.
“Didn’t you notice how sweet he is with you? I know him. He’s never sweet
without a reason.”
Jared suppressed a sigh. He could see where this was going. Gabriel
was very possessive of his things. He didn’t talk much about his early
childhood in Ukraine—he claimed that he didn’t remember—but Jared could
make an educated guess. Ukrainian orphanages couldn’t have been nice
places to live. As a child, Gabriel hadn’t had much, so it was only natural he
had grown accustomed to jealously guarding what little he had. It didn’t
matter that Gabriel was no longer a child and could afford anything he
wanted; he had never quite outgrown his possessiveness. Everyone knew that
Gabriel DuVal was very bad at sharing. It was obvious on the football pitch,
too: he was often selfish and ruthless, wanting to be the one to score all the
goals. For that reason he was the favorite target of the media’s scathing
criticism, universally hated and reluctantly admired.
When Jared had been assigned as Gabriel’s physio at the rehabilitation
center, he’d already heard of the boy’s difficult personality. Truth be told, at
the time Jared hadn’t been thrilled about the assignment. Residency was
exhausting as it was, and looking after a difficult, paralyzed teenager wasn’t
something he was looking forward to. Besides, he hated cases like Gabriel’s:
when there was little hope for full recovery and he could do little to truly
help.
But the first time he had seen the scrawny boy lying still under the
covers, huge green eyes the only color on his face, it became personal. Too
personal for his liking. There were lines doctors weren’t supposed to cross
with their patients, and giving a false hope of recovery was one of them, but
Jared couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t tell the boy he might never walk
again and that he should get used to being disabled. He just couldn’t tell him
that. There was something about that pale, strange-looking boy that brought
out every protective instinct in him. He wanted to see him smile. He wanted
to see him happy. He wanted to see him healthy. It had become a bit of an
obsession, and in the following seventeen months, Jared found himself
spending the little free time he had with Gabriel. The boy did have a difficult
personality, but Jared didn’t mind. Gabe was like a wounded animal (a
puppy, Jared thought affectionately) that wanted help and comfort but tried to
hide it. Through trial and error, Jared had learned how to handle him. When
Gabriel threw tantrums, Jared just gave him an unimpressed stare; when
Gabriel refused to do exercises “because there was no point,” Jared called
him a coward and a quitter; when Gabriel was depressed and started to lose
faith, Jared pulled him close and held him, whispering sweet nothings until
Gabriel smiled and regained his stubborn belief that everything would be all
right.
Belief alone wasn’t enough—in a way, Gabriel’s recovery was a
medical miracle—but the miracle wouldn’t have happened if Gabriel had quit
trying. The day Gabriel managed to take a few steps without falling, he
hugged Jared tightly and murmured into his neck, his voice thick with
emotion, “I wouldn’t have done this without you. Love you.”
And Jared had stood frozen in place, feeling hot and cold all at once. He
knew it was a completely innocent confession. It was pretty common for
patients to get attached to their doctors, especially considering Gabriel’s
circumstances: he was in a foreign country and he had no one but Jared. In all
the months Gabriel had spent in the rehabilitation center, nobody had visited
him besides a few people from his football club. So it wasn’t surprising how
attached Gabriel had gotten to him.
 What was surprising was how attached to the boy Jared had gotten,
although…attached wasn’t the right word for it. Being merely attached would
have been unprofessional but still okay. What he had felt for his seventeen-
year-old patient—who was ten years his junior—was definitely not okay.
The day Gabriel had been declared fully fit was very bittersweet,
because it meant Gabriel was returning to England. That night Jared went to a
bar and got wasted. He barely remembered what happened afterward, but he
remembered waking up with a hangover and a naked stranger next to him—
the stranger who looked barely legal. The stranger who had dark blond hair
and green eyes.
“Jay?”
Jared flinched and pushed the memories to the back of his mind,
compartmentalizing them as he’d learned to do a long time ago. Sighing, he
turned away from the massage table and walked to the sink to wash his
hands. “You know this is ridiculous, Gavriil.” Gabriel didn’t like when Jared
called him by the Ukrainian version of his name, but that always made him
pay attention. Jared knew Gabriel hated everything the name entailed rather
than the name itself. Jared liked the name, but he used it sparingly—Gabriel
didn’t like being reminded of his childhood. As far as Jared knew, it was one
of the few words Gabriel still remembered of his native language; he was
French now in more ways than just name.
“You can’t tell me how to treat my patients,” Jared added.
“But—“
“What exactly is your objection?”
Silence.
And then,
“Because you’re mine.”
Jared’s heart skipped a beat. He told himself not to be an idiot. Of
course it was about Gabriel’s rivalry with his brother.
Jared walked back to his desk, sat down and stared at the screen
unseeingly. “Go back to training and stop bothering me, Gabriel. I’m
working. You should be working too, and, unlike you, I don’t get paid
millions for running around the football pitch and chasing after a ball.”
Gabriel chuckled. Jared could hear him hopping off the massage table
and striding back into the office.
“Jay,” he said softly.
“No.”
 “Come on.”
“I said no. You’re being ridiculous.”
Still clad only in his shorts, Gabriel rounded the desk, carrying his shirt
in his hand.
Jared braced himself.
“I’m not asking you to be mean to him or anything.” Gabriel slung an
arm around his shoulders and leaned into him. “Just don’t trust him, okay?
He’s a snake.”
His warm breath brushed Jared’s ear. His scent tickled his nose. His
bare skin was touching Jared’s arm.
Jared continued staring at the report blankly, focusing on keeping his
breathing even.
Gabriel sighed, pressing his nose against the side of Jared’s face. “I just
—I don’t trust him. Not with you. Promise you’ll be careful with him. Don’t
let him wrap you around his little finger like he has everyone else.”
Jared almost laughed. He was a healthy man with needs and he wasn’t
blind—Tristan was stunningly beautiful and flirted with him openly—but if
there was anyone who had him wrapped around his little finger, it was
Gabriel.
“Promise me,” Gabriel asked.
“I promise,” Jared said, resigned. He had long since lost any delusions
about his ability to say no to Gabriel. He couldn’t stand hearing the note of
insecurity in Gabriel’s voice. The world knew Gabriel as a confident,
arrogant guy who didn’t give a shit about anything, but they couldn’t be more
wrong. Gabriel just hid his vulnerability well. Sometimes too well.
No, Jared wasn’t blind to Gabriel’s faults. Gabriel was far from being
an angel. He had a selfish, ruthless streak, he was too possessive for his own
good, and he could be an asshole towards people he disliked. Gabriel was
also infamous for being a bad loser. If the team lost a match, Gabe was
impossible to be around. He didn’t know how to lose. He sulked, he pouted,
and he threw tantrums like a toddler when things didn’t go his way. But
underneath all of that, he had the kind of vulnerability that made Jared want
to wrap him in his arms and protect him from the entire world.
Among other things, Jared admitted to himself ruefully.
Clenching his jaw, he looked straight in front of him as Gabriel hugged
him. “Thanks,” he muttered, his lips brushing Jared’s ear.
Damn it all. Sometimes Jared felt like killing him. But he let himself
wrap an arm around Gabriel and pull him closer. He savored the feel of
Gabriel’s body against his and drank in his scent as if it was air and he was a
drowning man. It was a special kind of hell: to be so close to him and know
he could never have him. “Now stop trying to choke me and go back to
training.”
Laughing, Gabriel straightened up. “I’ll come back after the training
session. Don’t leave without me.” He pecked Jared on the cheek.
Then he was gone.
A hush fell over the room after the door closed behind Gabriel. It was
too quiet all of a sudden. Too empty. His skin was tingling where Gabe had
kissed him.
“You should tell him.”
Jared looked up. Rebecca was leaning against the doorway, a deep
frown on her face.
He returned his gaze to his computer. “What for?” There was no point;
it would just make everything awkward. Gabriel might love him, might be
overly affectionate with him, but he was one hundred percent straight. He had
a lovely girlfriend he was in love with. Jared was nothing to him but his
friend and would never be anything more.
Rebecca let out a heavy sigh. “Then move on, Jared. You deserve
better. You can do much better than him! Look at you. How can a man with
your looks be single? It’s been how many years now? Three? Four?”
“I go out. I get laid.” Sometimes.
Rebecca scoffed. “Don’t you want more? Don’t you want a fulfilling
relationship? Someone to love—and be loved back? Someone—”
“Enough, Becca,” he ground out.
“It’s been years, Jared. And how many more years will it be? I’ve heard
his girlfriend talk about getting married and having kids. I’m sure he’ll be
insensitive and oblivious enough to make you his best man. How are you
going to cope with that?”
The numbers blurred on the screen. As I always do. That was what he
had intended to say, but his throat was tight and painful.
“Enough,” he snapped. “Leave me alone.”
Shaking her head, she shut the door, and Jared was left alone with his
thoughts once again.
Leaning back in his chair, he closed his eyes. Rebecca was right, of
course: this was completely hopeless. He should quit. Alexander, his cousin,
had told him the same thing when he had found out about this half a year ago.
Alexander wanted him to leave England—leave Gabriel—and return to the
States.
Truth be told, if it weren’t for Gabriel, Jared would have never left the
States in the first place. He had left his home and everyone he knew for the
young man who had crawled so deep under his skin Jared couldn’t imagine
being an ocean away from him. But in some ways, being so close was far
more painful than he had expected. Watching Gabriel become infatuated with
Claire had cured him of any delusions he might have had.
This was pointless. He should return home. The problem was, the States
didn’t feel like home anymore.
The phone rang again.
“What now, Rebecca?” Jared said.
“Mr. Mewes wants to talk to you.”
Jared frowned. “Let him in.”
He sat straighter as Paul Mewes entered the room.
“Paul,” Jared murmured, somewhat surprised. Paul was a very involved
coach and rarely left while the footballers were training. “Take a seat. A
problem?”
The man sat down heavily in the chair opposite him, his heavy brows
furrowed. “It’s about DuVal. I mean Gabriel, of course. Tristan never causes
any problems, unlike his brother.”
Jared struggled to keep his face indifferent. “What about Gabriel?”
Paul crossed his arms over his chest. “Are you serious? Haven’t you
noticed how impossible he’s been lately? You know him better than me. I
thought you’d be the first to notice.”
Jared’s frown deepened. He racked his brain trying to remember
anything off about Gabriel’s behavior, but he couldn’t. Actually, Gabriel had
been very good lately. He seemed to be making an effort to keep his temper
in check.
“What are you talking about?” Jared asked.
Paul’s eyebrows flew up. “You mean he hasn’t been behaving like a
moody asshole around you?”
“Not really,” Jared said. “On the contrary.”
Paul shook his head. “He’s been absolutely impossible the last couple
of months. He defies my instructions and argues with other footballers all the
time. He’s disrupting the atmosphere in the dressing room.”
 “That doesn’t sound like him,” Jared said slowly. Gabriel might be
stubborn and a bit selfish on the pitch at times, but he was a pretty good
teammate; he knew the importance of a good atmosphere in the locker room.
“I know.” Paul pursed his lips. “I thought he’d get over it—whatever it
is—but it seems to be getting worse. Every little thing can set him off. He
started getting into physical fights with other players. He was rude to fans
and journalists this morning.”
The longer Jared listened, the harder it was to believe he’d managed to
miss that. Or perhaps Gabriel had made an effort to hide his mood from him,
which was even more troubling.
“He’s not happy that you want to move him to the right wing,” Jared
said. “Maybe that’s it.”
“No, it’s a consequence of his behavior, not the cause of it.”
“Did you talk to him? Did you ask him what’s going on?”
Paul grimaced. “I tried. But you know how he is. He pretended he had
no idea what I was talking about.” He shook his head. “I would let him be if
his behavior wasn’t affecting the team, but it is, so I can’t. At first I thought
he might be having trouble dealing with his impending fatherhood and all,
but…”
“Fatherhood?” Jared said.
“Yes, he’s a very young man, after all. I know many footballers become
dads at a young age, but personally, I don’t think Gabriel is anywhere ready.”
“How did you— how did you find out about the pregnancy?” Jared
could barely recognize his own voice. He could barely hear anything beyond
the pounding of his pulse in his ears.
Paul snorted. “Certainly not from him. I overheard him and Lambert. I
think the only people in the know are Lambert and me—and you, obviously.
He probably told you about his girlfriend’s pregnancy months ago, huh?”
Jared said nothing.
“Anyway,” Paul said. “Could you talk to him? If he doesn’t get a grip,
I’m benching him, and I don’t care that he’s the best winger in the country.”
Jared probably nodded, because Paul stood and left.
When the door closed, Jared didn’t move.
He sat there, very still.
 Chapter 2: Cut

At the beginning of the year, Jared had told Christian, his cousin’s
boyfriend, that people were good at ignoring things they didn’t want to see. It
appeared he had been guilty of the same thing. He had never wondered why
he hadn’t seen Claire in months. He had never asked Gabriel where she was.
He had simply been glad she wasn’t around.
Jared didn’t dislike Claire. She was a nice young woman. She was good
for Gabriel: she always called him on his bullshit and told him when he was
being an ass. No, Jared didn’t dislike her. But there was a difference between
disliking and hating. He didn’t dislike her.
Jared brought the bottle to his lips and took a big gulp. The vodka
burned his throat going down, but the numbness he had been seeking since
leaving his office didn’t come.
Gabriel was going to be a dad.
A dad. His Gabe.
It was surreal. In many ways, Gabriel was still an insecure, vulnerable
child himself.
A child.
Claire was going to give Gabriel a child. A family, something Gabriel
had always wanted.
Jared took another gulp of vodka. Staring blankly at the opposite wall,
he wondered how it was possible to feel the loss of something he’d never
had. He’d always known it would end this way. He’d always known it was
hopeless. He thought he had accepted it. He had thought he was ready. He
was wrong.
The doorbell rang.
Jared looked at the door and didn’t move.
It rang again.
Sighing, Jared set the bottle down, got up and crossed the room.
He opened the door and wasn’t surprised to see Gabriel.
“Why didn’t you wait for me? I told you I’d come after the training.”
Gabriel sniffed and narrowed his eyes. “Were you drinking?”
“Yes,” Jared said.
Concern flashed through Gabriel’s face. “Why?” he asked, pushing past
Jared into the house. “Something wrong?”
Jared laughed, shutting the door and leaning against it. It was a horrible
sound, but he couldn’t stop. He laughed, and laughed, and laughed—at
himself more than anything else. Yes, something was wrong: his life.
A fool. A lovesick fool.
“Jay?” Gabriel said, his voice unsure.
“I think congratulations are in order.”
“Congratulations?”
“Yes,” Jared said, meeting Gabriel’s eyes. “On impending fatherhood.”
Gabriel’s face lost all color. He opened his mouth but closed it without
making a sound.
“Why?” Jared said, asking the question that had been bothering him for
hours. “Why didn’t tell you tell me? I thought—I thought I’d be the first
person you’d tell something that important.”
Gabriel’s throat convulsed as he swallowed. He just looked at Jared and
didn’t say a word.
“How far along is she?”
Gabriel dropped his gaze. “Over five months.”
“Five months,” Jared repeated. “And all this time, you’ve been…
Why?”
Gabriel chewed on his lip, his eyes still downcast.
Jared studied him.
And then he sucked a breath in.
It couldn’t be. Gabriel couldn’t know. He couldn’t.
“Tell me.” He was surprised by the calmness of his own voice. “Now.”
Gabriel looked anywhere but at him. “I…I didn’t know how to tell you.
I didn’t want to make everything weird.”
“Weird?”
Gabriel ran his tongue over his lip. “I know about…your thing for me.”
Jared’s stomach turned into itself, creating a strange emptiness.
“My thing for you,” he said flatly. How? “How?”
Green eyes met his. “I know you.”
Three simple words, but they felt like a stab in the heart.
Gabriel gave him a tight smile. “Did you really think I wouldn’t notice?
You look at me like—like…” Gabriel blushed, looking uncomfortable.
“You’re pretty obvious.”
A hoarse sound left Jared’s throat. He didn’t know whether to laugh or
go hide somewhere. All this time he’d thought he was being subtle, but
apparently Gabriel had known all along.
Jared walked back to the couch, picked up his bottle and took a long
gulp.
“Jay—”
“I’m returning to the States,” Jared said.
“What?”
Jared took another sip of vodka.
Gabriel grabbed his shoulder and turned him around. “You can’t be
serious! It doesn’t matter. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t care
that you—that you have a thing for me—”
“Shut up,” Jared ground out. “Shut up.”
A look of uncertainty crossed Gabriel’s features. “Nothing has to
change. I really don’t care—”
“I do,” Jared snapped. “I don’t have a ‘thing’ for you. I love you.”
Silence.
The expression on Gabriel’s face was strange: something between
unease, bewilderment and…something else. “Jared—”
“Don’t,” Jared said. “I’ve made the decision. As soon as they find a
replacement for me, I’ll leave.”
Gabriel grabbed his shirt. “You won’t! I forbid it.”
Jared smiled. “You can’t forbid me anything, Gabriel,” he said quietly,
trying to unclench Gabriel’s fingers from his shirt. “We’re separate entities.
You have your life. I have my own.”
Gabriel clenched Jared’s shirt tighter, his green eyes wide. “No.”
“Yes,” Jared said, somehow managing to keep his voice firm. “It’s for
the best, really.”
Gabriel glared. “Best for whom?” His Adam’s apple bobbed up and
down. “Why do you have to do it? Everything is fine! We’re fine!”
Jared looked at Gabriel’s panic-stricken face and had to stop himself
from touching him. “No, we aren’t. This—this is never going to work. And
you know it, or you wouldn’t be hiding Claire’s pregnancy from me. That
was stupid, by the way. For how long were you hoping to do it? Sooner or
later, I would have found out, anyway. Then what?”
Gabriel’s jaw worked. “I know. I didn’t mean to. I was going to tell
you, but I couldn’t.” Gabriel looked down at his hand still clenching Jared’s
shirt. “When Claire told me she was pregnant, I panicked a little. I mean, of
course I’m happy about the baby, but—but I wasn’t ready. I thought she was
on the pill. We’d agreed to wait.”
“It doesn’t matter now,” Jared said flatly. “You’re going to have a
family. It’s my cue to leave.”
“No.” Gabriel hugged him suddenly, something very desperate and
painful about it. “Jay, don’t do this. Please. I can’t—I can’t—”
“You can,” Jared said.“It’s time to walk on your own. You already did
it once. You can do it again. This…our relationship…it’s not healthy for
you.”
“I don’t give a fuck.” Gabriel squeezed his arms tighter around him.
“This is what I need. You.”
Jared fought the instinctive reaction of his body. Gabriel didn’t mean it
that way. He never meant it that way. “It’s not enough for me. I thought it
was—thought I could do it—but I was wrong. I can’t do it. I won’t.”
Gabriel’s body went rigid.
“I’m sorry,” Jared said. “This is it.” He kissed Gabriel on the temple,
but Gabriel pushed him away, his jaw clenched tight, anger and something
like betrayal in his eyes.
“Fine. Whatever!” And he stormed out of the house, slamming the door
behind him so hard the windows shook.
Jared sank onto the couch and buried his face in his hands.
 Chapter 3: Bleeding

Tristan DuVal was excited.

It was almost time. The stadium was already filling up with thousands
of spectators, and with the crowd already starting to cheer, he had trouble
staying calm. This wasn’t a friendly match. This was the first official match
of the season. This was the Barclays Premier League, the best football league
in the world, and he was going to start on the left wing, instead of Gabriel.
Finally.
As they headed into the tunnel, Tristan glanced at his adoptive brother.
It sucked that he had to keep up appearances and couldn’t smirk at Gabriel’s
predicament. He wanted to grin and gloat, but of course he couldn’t: there
were cameras everywhere. Appearances were important. He was the good
guy and Gabriel was the bad guy—or at least that was the public opinion.
Good guys didn’t gloat.
Some would probably consider what he had done cruel, but Tristan
didn’t care. As far as he was concerned, it was nothing Gabriel didn’t
deserve. That little shit had always rubbed him the wrong way. From the very
first moment his adoptive parents brought Gabriel into the family, Tristan had
disliked him immensely. He hadn’t asked for a brother. He didn’t want a
brother. But of course no one had cared about what he thought. The DuVals
were too enamored with the tiny strange-looking boy to care about their first
son’s opinion. And that was what Tristan had been: he was the first. His
parents were his first, and he didn’t want to share his toys with that scrawny
midget who didn’t even speak English or French. He disliked Gabriel at first
sight and the dislike was very much mutual, and, as it turned out, long-
lasting. It’d been almost fifteen years, their adoptive parents were long dead,
but the dislike between them had only grown with each passing year. Now
that they competed for more important things than toys, Tristan’s desire to
wipe the floor with Gabe was stronger than ever.
That was why he couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed now. He had
expected it would be harder to steal Gabriel’s favorite position on the pitch,
but everything had gone surprisingly smoothly. It had been too easy. He had
thought Gabriel would be more of a challenge, but that little shit hadn’t even
put up much of a fight. Gabriel’s strange outbursts of temper the past couple
of months had actually made it too easy for him. In the light of Gabriel’s
behavior, convincing the media and the coach that he deserved to play in
Gabriel’s favorite position was child’s play. Disgustingly easy.
“I hope you aren’t angry with me, Gabe,” Tristan said, unable to resist
the opportunity to rub it in.
Gabriel didn’t say anything, so Tristan shot him another look. The idiot
looked like shit. He was even paler than normal, and the dark rings under his
eyes made him look years older. And those strange green eyes…there was
something unnerving in them.
“Hey, you okay?” Tristan asked, nudging him with his hand.
Gabriel didn’t reply.
“Gabe?”
“Fantastic,” Gabriel said without looking at him. “Never been better.”
“But you look—”
“Save your fake concern,” Gabriel said flatly. “I’m not in the mood for
your bullshit.”
That was another annoying thing. Instead of being upset by the fact that
Tristan had gotten his favorite position, it seemed Gabriel just didn’t care.
Although Gabriel had been looking like shit the past couple of weeks, Tristan
knew it wasn’t because of him.
“It’s time to go, boys,” the coach said, and they walked out of the
tunnel onto the pitch.
Tristan kept an eye on Gabriel’s tense face. When he noticed something
shift in Gabriel’s expression, Tristan followed his gaze to the medical team
seated in the technical area. His eyes lingered on Dr. Sheldon. As always,
Tristan couldn’t help but stare.
 Jared Sheldon had to be the best-looking man he’d ever seen. Dark hair,
deep blue eyes, and a strong jaw with a hint of stubble. As though having a
gorgeous face wasn’t enough, the guy was tall and had amazingly broad
shoulders and strong arms. It was mind-boggling that such a handsome man
was single. The rumor had it he was gay, but it was probably bullshit. Partly
to annoy Gabriel, who always acted like Dr. Sheldon was his property, and
partly because Jared was attractive as hell, Tristan had tried to flirt with the
guy, but to no avail. Such a pity. And it was such a pity the guy was quitting
the job. The physicals were going to be much more boring now.
The whistle was finally blown, indicating the start of the match, and
Tristan pushed Dr. Sheldon out of his mind and lost himself in the game.
The first twenty minutes were fine. Tristan was doing great: most of the
attacks were going through him, and if it weren’t for some rotten luck, he
would have scored at least two goals already.
But suddenly, Gabriel was pushing him aside and intercepting a pass
meant for him.
“What the fuck?” Tristan yelled. “You’re supposed to play on the right
wing tonight!”
Gabriel gave him a venomous glare. “Get lost. This is mine. Mine!”
Tristan turned to the coach and pointed at Gabriel. “Do something!”
Frowning, the coach started shouting at Gabriel to return to the right
wing. Ignoring him, Gabriel ran at the defenders and into the box, causing
confusion and chaos. He dribbled around the goalkeeper and blasted the ball
into the far top corner.
The crowd roared, but Gabriel didn’t celebrate. Nor did anyone else:
Gabriel had managed to piss off all of his teammates in the last couple of
months. The coach was still shouting at Gabriel to get back to the right wing,
and by now even the fans in the stands could see what was going on.
Tristan lifted his hands to show his unhappiness and suppressed a smile
when the fans started chanting his name. Of course they were on his side; he
was the wronged party here.
That was when the booing started. Every time Gabriel touched the ball,
the crowd booed and jeered. Gabriel ignored it and ran recklessly at the
defenders again.
Tristan felt a reluctant pang of admiration. Gabriel truly didn’t give a
shit about what people thought of him. The booing would have unsettled
anyone, but nothing seemed to touch Gabriel. Nothing seemed to reach him,
his pale face devoid of any expression.
Gabriel drove forward, instantly taking out two players before they’d
even realized what had happened, fouled a third, and scored another solo
goal. The fouled defender immediately got into Gabriel’s face, yelling at him,
and Gabriel shoved him away roughly. The referee ran over and showed
Gabriel a red card.
Somewhat bewildered, Tristan watched Gabriel stalk off the pitch to an
accompaniment of booing from the crowd. What was wrong with the little
idiot? Gabriel was nuts. He would be torn apart for this by the press, the
coach and the fans.
Scowling, Tristan decided to focus on the match. Thanks to that idiot
they were a man down, and now he would have to defend. He hated
defending. Stupid Gabe.

***

Jared found Gabriel in the locker room. He was sitting on the bench, his
arms around his knees. The room was quiet except for the noise of the
football match still going on outside.
Gabriel’s shoulders stiffened when he entered, but he didn’t look up,
staring blankly at his boots. He was still wearing his blue football kit.
“Go away,” Gabriel said, without looking up. “They might need you on
the pitch. What if the golden boy breaks a nail and you aren’t there?”
Jared said nothing, eyeing Gabriel warily. In the two weeks since their
conversation, Gabriel had been distant and tense, avoiding him and refusing
to talk. Gabriel wasn’t the silent type. When he brooded too long, it meant
nothing good. Jared had expected the emotional breakdown, but nothing this
public.
“Oh wait,” Gabriel said, still looking at his boots. “This is your last day
here, so you don’t care, of course.”
“This was incredibly stupid,” Jared said. “What were you trying to
prove? You’ve been getting all kinds of shit from the media as it is. Why did
you give them a stick to beat you with? The press are going to have a field
day with this. The coach is furious—you publicly undermined his authority.
And you know how much the fans love Tristan—they’ll boo you every match
now. What the fuck did you think you were doing?”
Gabriel lifted his gaze to him, his eyes the only color on his pale face.
“You told me to walk on my own.” A crooked smile curled his lips. “That
was me walking on my own. I think I did pretty well, don’t you think? I
scored two goals.”
Jared stared at him. “Don’t do this to yourself.”
“Why? Why do you care?”
Jared stepped closer and hauled him to his feet. “Are you trying to make
me feel guilty? Is that it?”
Gabriel shrugged, looking aside, his jaw clenched.
Jared chuckled, shaking his head. “Are you kidding me? So what am I
supposed to do? What? Stay by your side, watch you build a family, and be
alone for the rest of my life?”
“You said you love me,” Gabriel said, still looking aside, his voice
tight. “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t leave me.”
Jared inhaled sharply. “You can’t use this against me. Not this. Do you
have any idea how much this sucks? Unrequited love isn’t fun.”
Gabriel’s gaze snapped to him. “Unrequited love?” He laughed. “What
are you talking about? What unrequited love?” He freed his shoulder from
Jared’s grip. “You’re not leaving because your love is ‘unrequited.’ You’re
leaving because—because sex means more to you than love.”
“It’s not the same,” Jared said. “You don’t love me that way—”
“What way?” Gabriel yelled, flushing and breathing hard. “What way?
But fine, whatever—leave. I don’t care anymore. You’re just like everyone
else.”
Dammit.
Jared touched his shoulder, but Gabriel jumped away and glowered at
him. “Don’t touch me. I told you to leave. Bye! Fuck off!”
“Gabi—”
“Don’t you ‘Gabi’ me,” Gabriel said, his face hard. “You know what?”
he said, looking Jared in the eye.“I hate you.”
It was like a punch to the gut.
“I wish I’d never met you,” Gabriel said with feeling before stalking out
of the room.
Jared stood frozen, staring at the locker and seeing nothing as Gabriel’s
words ran in his ears. The worst part was, he knew Gabriel meant them—at
least a part of him did.
I wish I’d never met you.
The crowd outside cheered.
 Chapter 4: Gone

Normally, Jared liked airports. He liked the different dialects,

languages, clothes and customs. He liked watching people buy the last-
minute tasteless souvenirs that only foreigners thought were interesting. He
liked hearing people’s observations about London: how confusing the
underground was, their favorite tourist destinations, and the little cultural
differences in food.
But he’d never before seen so many desperate-looking people, crying
and tugging at their loved ones as they prepared to board the plane to the U.S.
Or maybe he’d simply never paid attention. Every time he’d left England
before, he knew he was coming back. Not this time. He would miss England.
Jared smiled a bit to himself, remembering the miserably cold, rainy nights in
Stoke. On second thought, maybe not.
He glanced at his watch. The boarding would start soon.
“Jared!”
He froze and then turned around.
Gabriel was pushing through the crowd toward him.
Jared’s heart skipped a beat before starting to hammer so loudly that he
could hardly concentrate on anything else. A part of him wanted to walk
away. But the other part drank in the sight of him—for the last time—and the
thought made his chest physically ache.
Then he saw a couple of noisy reporters following Gabriel, shouting
questions in his face. Gabe should have worn sunglasses. No wonder he had
been recognized.
Jared moved forward to meet him halfway. Ignoring the reporters’
questions, he grabbed Gabriel’s arm without a word and led him to the
closest restroom.
Pushing Gabriel inside, Jared shut the door, locked it and turned to
Gabriel. “What are you doing here? You shouldn’t have—”
Gabriel fell against him. There was no other word for it: he fell, burying
his face in Jared’s shoulder and wrapping his arms around Jared’s waist
tightly. “Don’t go,” he said, his voice cracking. “Please. I can’t. I can’t—
can’t live without you.”
Jared closed his eyes. His arms came up around Gabriel and squeezed
him hard. Gabriel whimpered, nuzzling into his throat, and Jared felt such an
overwhelming rush of love that it was painful not to have an outlet for it.
He’d never known it was possible to already miss something one held in
one’s arms. His throat thick with loss, he squeezed Gabriel even tighter, but it
felt like trying to hold onto the sand slipping through his fingers.
“I’m not sorry I met you,” Jared said and Gabriel made a noise that
sounded suspiciously like a sob.
“Hey,” Jared said gently, taking Gabriel’s chin and forcing him to look
up. Wet green eyes met his, and something clenched in Jared’s chest. Gabriel
never cried. He hadn’t cried even when he was paralyzed and nothing they
did seemed to help. He hadn’t cried when he was booed and jeered. Gabriel’s
nose never became red and his eyes were always bright and dry.
Until now.
“Don’t—”
“I’m not crying,” Gabriel said, lifting his chin stubbornly and glaring at
him. “I never cry.”
Jared smiled and wiped the tear at the corner of Gabriel’s eye. “In a few
years or even months, you’ll look back and laugh at how silly you were to
think you couldn’t live without me.”
Gabriel opened his mouth, but Jared pressed a finger against his lips.
“You’ll see. You’re young and—” He swallowed. “What you feel for me is…
it isn’t very healthy for you. You’d be better off without me. This…it will
pass, and you’ll only be stronger for it.”
He could see that Gabriel wanted to argue, but then something shattered
in his expression. “What about you?” he asked instead.
“I’ll be okay, too.” Eventually. Probably. Jared forced a laugh. “I have
no intention of being an antisocial, depressed lonely man. Maybe one day, I’ll
fall in love with someone who will actually love me back.” At least he
wanted to believe it—believe that he was capable of loving someone else.
Jared put on a smile. “Everything will work out, you’ll see.”
Gabriel just looked at him as though he couldn’t understand a word of
what he was saying.
When the flight’s boarding announcement came over the PA system,
Jared cleared his throat, letting his hands fall to his sides. His arms felt empty
already. “That’s my flight. I have to go.”
Gabriel was still staring at him blankly, his face pale.
Jared turned to the door, but stopped and looked back for the last time:
at curly dark-blond hair and the green eyes he loved so much and the
vulnerable curve of Gabriel’s lips. They were trembling as Gabriel struggled
to say something.
Jared’s feet moved of their own volition. His hands cradled Gabriel’s
face. “I’m proud of you,” he said hoarsely, pressing their foreheads together.
He took a deep breath in, inhaling his scent greedily. Gabriel. His Gabe.
“Remember that.” He brushed his lips against the corner of Gabriel’s mouth
and felt Gabriel’s lips tremble. He kissed the other corner and whispered,
“Goodbye, Gabi.”
He stared pulling back, but Gabriel grabbed his shirt, his eyes wet and
pleading.
“Let go,” Jared said, looking away. He couldn’t look at him. He didn’t
think he was strong enough to keep saying no when Gabriel was looking at
him like that.
Silence.
Then he felt Gabriel’s fingers unclench slowly, releasing him.
It should have felt like relief.
It didn’t.
He took a step back, unlocked the door and left the restroom.
Ignoring the reporters, he walked away, the hollow feeling in his chest
growing with every step he took.
Goodbye.
PART II: ADRIFT
 Chapter 5: Claire

Her bladder woke her up in the middle of the night. Claire opened her
eyes blearily and rubbed them. A quick glance showed the other side of the
bed was empty. Gabriel wasn’t in bed again.
She pursed her lips and sat up with difficulty. God, she was only seven
and a half months along, but she felt like a small elephant. She wasn’t sure
she could bear another two months of this. Maybe they really should have
waited, as Gabriel had wanted: they had enough problems already without a
baby in the mix. Gabriel’s reaction to her pregnancy hadn’t been as good as
Claire had hoped. His mood seemed to be deteriorating as the pregnancy
progressed and she wasn’t the only one who had noticed. Thank God
Gabriel’s PR manager had at least managed to quiet the scandal caused by
Gabriel’s behavior in the opening match of the season—he’d planted the
rumor that Gabriel was just taking the news of his doctor’s leaving hard. The
public and mainstream press had accepted the explanation: the story of
Gabriel’s miraculous recovery from his spinal cord injury was widely known.
It was a good explanation.
It was a good explanation because it was the truth.
Sometimes she wished it wasn’t.
Claire heaved a sigh. To be completely honest, she’d been a little glad
when she’d found out that Jared was leaving England.
She liked Jared—he was impossible to dislike and it didn’t hurt that he
was incredibly easy on the eyes—but his relationship with Gabriel had
always made her…uncomfortable. To call a spade a spade, she’d always been
a bit jealous of how close he was to Gabriel. She knew her jealousy made
little sense. Jared might be gay, but their relationship was completely
platonic; Gabriel was as straight as an arrow and he loved her. Except…
Except there was something Gabriel’s relationship with Jared had that
was missing in Gabriel and hers: emotional intimacy. Gabriel might be in
love with her and want her, but he never completely opened himself to her.
Even when they were lying naked after making love, she could feel
something separating them. Something intangible, but it was there. Gabriel
didn’t like post-coital cuddling anyway; he wasn’t the touchy-feely type—
well, unless it was Jared. With Jared he turned into a touchy-feely octopus
and snuggled up to him at every opportunity. Rationally, she understood why
Gabriel felt so at ease when Jared touched him: considering the fact that Gabe
had been paralyzed for months, he had probably become used to having
Jared’s hands on him every day. It was only natural that he trusted his former
physiotherapist so much. It was nothing to be jealous of.
Claire looked at the empty side of the bed again and grimaced. Who
was she kidding? She knew why she felt jealous of Jared. Gabriel might be in
love with her, but he didn’t need her. When he was upset, Jared was the one
he went to. Jared was the one he needed.
Claire’s lips twisted as she remembered the match against Arsenal last
season. It had been a very important London derby and Gabriel’s team had
lost thanks to the referee’s questionable decision to disallow Gabriel’s goal.
To say Gabriel was angry and upset would be to say nothing. Claire tried to
comfort him, but Gabriel yelled at her to leave him alone and that he didn’t
want company, so Claire decided to take a walk and give him a few minutes
to calm down. When she returned ten minutes later, she found Gabriel
huddled into Jared’s side, his expression calm and relaxed as Jared stroked
his back and whispered something into his ear. Claire stood still, feeling like
an outsider watching something she could never be part of.
That was why she’d been pleased about Jared quitting his job and
returning to the States. She had thought she would finally have her boyfriend
all to herself.
Claire chuckled. How naive she had been.
A persistent pressure in her bladder made itself known again, so she got
out of bed and padded to the bathroom.
When she was done, she returned to the bedroom but paused, looking at
the empty bed. Where was he?
Claire turned around and left the room.
The house Gabriel had bought for them after he found out about her
pregnancy was huge and luxurious. It was the house of her dreams. But now,
in the darkness, it seemed too empty and cold. Claire pressed her hand to her
belly. It wouldn’t be so empty soon.
She found Gabriel downstairs.
He was asleep on the couch, the moonlight pouring in from the open
window and illuminating his features. The moonlight was kind to him. It
concealed the bags under Gabriel’s eyes.
Claire stared at him for a moment before shifting her gaze to the phone
on Gabriel’s chest. She hesitated, but she wanted to know.
Carefully, she picked up Gabriel’s phone and glanced at the display.
The email app was open. Claire frowned, noticing that Gabriel had
many unsent messages in “drafts.” Emails to Jared, all of them unsent.
Quietly, she sat on the couch next to Gabriel and started reading from the
oldest email, dated more than a month ago.

Claire told me to say hi. She doesn’t know why you left, so I couldn’t
tell her we weren’t talking at all. That’s why I’m writing. To say she said hi.

The new doctor is great. Her name’s Anne Boyle, and she’s fun and
very pretty. She’s the only female team physician in the Premier League.
How cool is that?
I like her a lot. She’s awesome. She doesn’t scold me and doesn’t tell
me not to eat something I want to eat. She doesn’t care. She’s great.

Tristan is such a suck up. He’s somehow weaseled his way into the
English NT now. Everyone’s treating me like a ticking bomb for some reason.
They probably expect me to be angry about it and envious, but I don’t give a
shit. He can gloat all he wants.

We don’t know the gender of the baby yet. Claire wants it to be a

surprise. I’m not sure I care one way or the other and it scares me. Shouldn’t
I care? I’m scared I’m going to be a shitty dad.

My muscles are so sore after today’s training session. Ron’s massages

suck. And he had the nerve to tell me it’s my own fault for not being relaxed
enough and flinching when he touched me. It’s not my fault he does it all
wrong.
I almost hope I’ll be benched for the next match. I hate playing on the
right wing, anyway.

I found your t-shirt in my closet today. I think it’s the one you wore
when we went hiking back in June. It smells of summer and sunshine. I miss
summer.

I couldn’t sleep last night again. I asked Rebecca to give me some

sleeping pills again, but she refused and told the coach. I always knew she
hated me.
 …

The coach forced me to see a therapist. You know I hate shrinks. They
always try to twist your words into something you never said.
Dr. Bisset isn’t that bad, but she asks stupid questions. Today she asked
me why I still hadn’t married Claire. Like it’s any of her business. Why does
a piece of paper matter? Claire doesn’t care, and neither do I.

The coach yelled at me again. Not sure why. Lately he does it all the
time. I should probably care more.

It’s raining again. Sometimes I feel like it’s always raining.

Maybe I should accept Barcelona’s offer and move to Spain next year.
There’s nothing holding me here. At least I’ll be warm there.

Jay, I

It’s all your fault, you know. You turned me into this. So fuck you. I
hope you’re miserable. I hope your days seem bleak and endless. I hope you
look at my pics and feel like paying millions for one hug. I hope you can’t
sleep, and when you do, I hope you dream of me, and when you wake up, you
feel cold and want to go back to sleep, but you can’t.

That was the last unfinished email, written only tonight.

Claire closed the email app and stared blankly into the darkness. Oh
God. God. Was that how Gabriel felt while she was pregnant with his child?
It hurt. It hurt even more than his opinion of marriage.
Gabriel had never bothered to ask. He had never asked her whether she
wanted to get married. Why had he assumed it didn’t matter to her? She had
hinted several times that she had always dreamed of a big wedding.
Shaking her head, Claire told herself not to be naive. Many footballers
didn’t marry their girlfriends—most famous footballers were in happy
relationships and had kids without being married—so she knew she shouldn’t
feel hurt. Gabriel loved her. He did. But she would have liked him to ask her
opinion.
She would have liked to know other things, too.
Claire doesn’t know why you left.
Wasn’t she supposed to be the closest person to Gabriel? Why did he
keep secrets from her? Why was he so distant?
Claire tried to remember when everything had gone wrong, but she
couldn’t. They had been happy once. It all seemed to have happened in
another life. They had met at a party more than two years ago. For her it had
been a love at first sight. She was charmed by his unconventional
attractiveness, his fame, his bright green eyes. When he spent the entire
evening with her, she couldn’t believe her luck: he was a rising football star,
and she was a young model no one knew about. But he seemed smitten,
unable to take his eyes off her. They spent that night together, but he seemed
to want more than that. He asked her for a date. And then another, and then
another.
For a while, she had been beyond happy, but as their relationship
progressed and Gabriel’s infatuation seemed to gradually fade, she became
scared. She became scared that Gabriel would grow tired of her now that the
honeymoon period was over. Did he love her enough to stay with her? He
was young and famous and could have any woman he wanted. That was
when her friends advised her to get pregnant and tie Gabriel down once and
for all. She had listened to their advice. Had it been the right thing to do?
Claire pressed her hand to her belly. It had to be.
Beside her, Gabriel stirred. Claire put the phone on the couch quickly.
“Claire?” he muttered sleepily. “Why aren’t you in bed?”
“Why aren’t you?”
Gabriel yawned. “Couldn’t sleep, so I took a walk. Didn’t want to wake
you up. Why are you up? Is it the baby?”
“No,” Claire said, putting both hands on her belly. The proof of their
love. “It isn’t the baby.”
Gabriel yawned again. “Then what?”
Claire chewed on her lip. “Why did Jared leave?”
She couldn’t read his expression in the moonlight, but his silence was
very telling.
“Why does it matter?” Gabriel said at last, a strange sort of tension in
his voice.
“I’m just curious.” Would he lie? Would he tell the truth? What was the
truth?
“I told you—he got homesick.”
“Stop lying,” she said.
Another long, heavy silence.
“It’s personal,” Gabriel said tersely. “It’s between me and Jared.”
She clenched her hands into fists. “I’m the mother of your child. It
doesn’t get more personal than that.”
“It’s different.”
“How?” It was a struggle to keep her voice calm. “Or is there ‘personal’
for Jared and ‘personal’ for the rest of us unimportant people?”
“Don’t be ridiculous—”
“I’m sick and tired of always coming third,” Claire whispered. “When
Jared left, I thought things would be finally different, but you’re too busy
moping and pining for him to pay me much attention. We’re having a baby in
less than two months, Gabe. A baby!” Her voice cracked. “Don’t you care?”
He sat up and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pressing his nose
against her cheek. “Don’t be silly,” Gabriel said urgently. “Of course I care.
I’m very excited about having a kid. I’ve always wanted a family, you know
that. It’s always been my dream.”
 Claire inhaled shakily. “I know. But sometimes I think…Sometimes I
think it was just a childish dream. A pretty future, nothing real. Like…like a
beautiful trophy you take out of the case on special occasions to admire, not
something you want to use every day.”
“Come on, don’t be ridiculous.”
“Ridiculous?” Claire smiled humorlessly. “You know what I’m afraid
of? That when the baby is born, it’ll be an afterthought for you, too.
Something that’ll always come after Jared and football—”
“Jared left,” Gabriel bit off, removing his hand and pulling away. “He’s
not coming back.”
A laugh broke from her throat. “Tell that to yourself. You seem to be
the one unable to accept it and move on.”
Gabriel said nothing. Claire wished she could see his face, although a
part of her was almost glad she couldn’t.
“I’ve never asked,” she whispered, looking at her hands. “I never
wanted to be the sort of girlfriend who asks her boyfriend to ditch his friends
for her. But maybe I should have. Because your relationship with him is…
was…too much. Too disturbing. Too intimate.” She chuckled. “You know,
sometimes I felt like he was your boyfriend, and I was your friend with
benefits.”
“You know I don’t swing that way,” Gabriel said tiredly.
“That’s the only reason I’ve never asked you to end your relationship
with him.” Claire bit the inside of her cheek. The truth was, she hadn’t
thought she stood a chance of succeeding.
“Where are you going with this?” Gabriel said. “What is the point?
Jared left. You can be happy.”
Claire slumped back against the couch. “How can I be happy when
you’re depressed?”
“I’m not depressed,” Gabriel said, without much feeling.
Claire snorted. “Sure. You just barely sleep, barely eat, and play
football like you don’t give a fuck anymore. But no, you aren’t depressed.”
“I’m not depressed,” Gabriel said again, as if repeating this would make
it true. “I’m just…I just have to wait it out. It will pass. It will. Jared said so.”
Claire cringed at the desperation mixed with belief in his voice. Jared
said so. That thing was very far from passing.
What was it? Some kind of messed-up dependency? Love? Could
platonic love be that strong? She didn’t know. She was afraid to ask. Afraid
of the answer she’d get.
“You miss him,” she murmured, clenching her hands together.
Gabriel laughed. It was a horrible sound. “Miss? I don’t miss him. I…”
He trailed off.
When he spoke again, his voice was barely audible and full of
resentment, “I just feel empty. Incomplete.”
Claire bit her lip. God.
“It’ll pass,” he whispered hoarsely, grabbing her hands and squeezing.
“It will. I promise.”
His grip hurt, but she didn’t complain. “Okay,” she said with far more
conviction than she felt. For their child’s sake, she had to believe in that.
 Chapter 6: Lies We Tell Others

“He looks like a little monkey,” Gabriel said, eyeing the baby. It looked
red and ugly, nothing at all like the cute babies he’d seen on the TV.
Claire smiled, even though she still looked exhausted. “All newborns
look like little monkeys.” She lifted the baby to him. “Come on, take him.”
He hesitated, looking at the baby uneasily. It seemed so fragile. “I’ll
drop him. Or hurt him.”
“Don’t be silly, you won’t. Come on.”
Tentatively, Gabriel took the baby from her. Fuck, it was tiny. It
weighed nothing. No, not it: he. His son.
“Hey,” he said, clearing his throat. “Hey, baby.”
The boy opened his eyes blearily and Gabriel stopped breathing. His
eyes were deep blue. “He has blue eyes.”
“Most newborns have blue eyes. The color will likely change. Neither
of us has blue eyes.”
Gabriel stroked the dark hair on the baby’s head. He hoped the color
wouldn’t change.
“Claire needs rest,” Claire’s doctor cut in. “Give your son to me, Mr.
DuVal.”
Gabriel did as he was told.
Claire smiled at him tiredly and stretched her hand out. He took it and
squeezed.
 The look she gave him was probing. “Are you happy?”
Gabriel smiled. “Of course I am.” He cast a look at the doctor. “Get
some sleep. You must be exhausted.” He leaned down to kiss her briefly,
smiled again and left the room.
As soon as he was outside, his smile faded.
God, it was exhausting. He wasn’t a natural liar like Tristan—that little
prick could look someone in the eye and deliver complete, utter bullshit with
a straight face. He had no idea how Tristan could do it. For Gabriel it was
mentally draining to put on a happy face and be cheerful and shit all the time.
If it wasn’t for Claire, he wouldn’t have bothered, but she worried too much
and he hadn’t wanted to upset a pregnant woman. She didn’t need to know
how messed up in the head he was. How utterly pathetic he was. It had been
months, for fuck’s sake. He wasn’t supposed to still feel like curling up into a
ball, closing his eyes and hoping it was all just a bad dream and Jared wasn’t
out of his life forever.
Forever.
His throat closed up and Gabriel started walking faster. He wanted fresh
air. He hated hospitals. Hated that every tall, dark-haired man in a white coat
made his breath hitch. It was fucking stupid. Jared rarely wore white coats; he
favored scrubs. But maybe Jared wore them now. It wasn’t like he would
know.
Setting his jaw, Gabriel pushed the front door open and stepped outside.
It was raining, a cold miserable November rain, but the rain didn’t seem
to faze the reporters who had been lying in wait for him.
Grimacing, Gabriel strode toward his car. He batted microphones out of
his face as he walked, trying his best to ignore questions being shouted from
every direction.
“Gabriel, what is the name of your son?”
“Gabriel, what do you think of your brother’s brilliant debut for the
English National Team?”
“Gabriel, what do you think of Chelsea’s chances to win the league
after the draw against Manchester United?”
“Gabriel, are you going to marry your girlfriend?”
“Gabriel, does it still bother you that your brother got your position on
the left wing?”
“Gabriel, do you—”
He got into his car, shut the door in the reporter’s face and locked it
with shaking fingers. Undeterred, the reporters kept banging on the window
and yelling something. GabrielGabrielGabrielGabriel.
Feeling breathless, Gabe tugged at his collar, but his shirt was
collarless. He wasn’t choking; it was all in his head.
He slumped back in the seat, watching the rain beat against the
windshield and trying to pretend the gaping emptiness in his chest didn’t
exist.
Wasn’t it supposed to be better by now?
Maybe next month, Gabriel told himself—the same thing he’d said the
previous month.
 Chapter 7: Lies We Tell Ourselves

One month later

Tristan would be the first to admit he had no problem bending the truth
a little to get what he wanted. Most people would call what he did dishonesty;
Tristan called it being smart. Besides, it had one major advantage: since he
was good at pretending to be what he wasn’t, he could easily recognize when
other people tried to do the same thing.
Tristan leaned against the locker, watching Gabriel take his sweat-
soaked shirt off. He continued ignoring Tristan, although the bland smile he’d
been sporting earlier during the training session was nowhere to be seen.
Cocking his head, Tristan studied him. “How is the baby? Jules, isn’t it?
Nice name. I’ve always been partial to names beginning with J.”
Gabriel’s hands stilled for a moment before he turned his back to him
and changed into a fresh shirt.
Tristan pursed his lips. Gabriel used to be more fun. These days it
seemed he just didn’t give a fuck about anything. It annoyed Tristan, and it
annoyed him that it annoyed him. It was normally amusing when his so-
called brother was having a shitty day, but Gabriel’s continued disinterest in
everything was downright boring. It sucked all the fun out of it.
“So are you going to make an honest woman out of Claire?” Tristan
said.
Gabriel didn’t rise to the bait. “Just say what you’re here for and piss
off.”
“Just wanted to tell you I saw an interesting article in the Daily Mail
yesterday,” Tristan said, watching Gabriel like a hawk. “It was about an
American footballer, Oscar Mone.”
No reaction. Tristan smiled. Huh, Gabe really didn’t know. That made
it even better.
“I’d never heard of him before,” he continued. “But then again, who
cares about American players? But anyway, the bloke got outed when he was
photographed smooching a well-known sports doctor. Guess who?”
Gabriel’s shoulders stiffened. Finally. A reaction. But it was a very
predictable reaction, considering Gabriel’s weird thing for Jared Sheldon.
Tristan made a face at the thought. Before his paralysis, Gabriel used to
be more like him, but after his return from the rehabilitation center, he was
practically a different person. Tristan couldn’t believe how clingy Gabriel
had become around Jared. Gabriel was insanely possessive of the guy and
didn’t want to share Sheldon’s attention with anyone.
If Tristan didn’t know better, he would think Gabriel had a thing for
Jared or something, but he did know better. Unlike him, Gabriel was as
straight as it got, so his attachment to the guy was beyond weird.
“Mone was all over Jared,” Tristan said. “They seem very happy
together.”
Gabriel remained still, his back to him. Tristan couldn’t see Gabriel’s
face, but he didn’t need to. “I’m so glad for him,” Tristan said casually.
“Jared deserves a break after babysitting you for years and having no
personal life to speak of.”
Turning around, Gabriel slipped into his jacket. “Why don’t you just
sod off and leave me alone?” he said, buttoning it up. His face was blank, but
his fingers were unsteady, jerky.
“Sorry, did I hit a nerve?” Tristan said with a sweet smile.
Gabriel glowered. “Get lost.”
“Hey, just saying.” Tristan lifted his hands in a placating manner. “I
didn’t mean to…upset you.”
“I’m not upset.”
“You don’t need to put on a brave face,” Tristan said, donning his
sincerest expression. “We’re family, after all.”
The glare he received was positively murderous.
Tristan dropped his mask and met Gabriel’s eyes. “Seriously, get a grip.
You’re boring me. It’s no fun to kick someone who’s already down. You’re
no challenge these days.”
“I have no idea what you mean.”
Tristan let out a laugh. “You’ve been behaving like a kicked puppy for
months. A puppy without its owner. That’s just sad and pathetic.”
A muscle pulsed in Gabriel’s cheek.
Tristan sneered. “Your weird clingy thing for Jared was pretty pathetic
in itself, but this—the useless moping—is a new low for you. If you really
want him back so much, what’s the problem? Get him back.”
“He doesn’t want to come back,” Gabriel grated out.
Tristan raised his eyebrows. “So? If I want something, I’ll walk over
anyone to get it, instead of moping and doing nothing. You used to be the
same way—”
“Used to be,” Gabriel bit off. “Not anymore.”
Tristan cocked his head. “Really? You can fool everyone else, but you
and I? We know the truth. We’re cut from the same cloth. Deep down, you’re
the same greedy, self-centered shit you were as a kid. Don’t tell me it’s never
crossed your mind: to do the wrong thing, the selfish thing, and fuck
everyone else.”
Gabriel’s Adam’s apple moved.
“It has,” Tristan said softly. “You can pretend to be the good guy all
you want. But you’re not the good guy. You’re no better than me.” He
chuckled. “But you know the difference between you and me? Sometimes I
might tell a little white lie to get what I want, but at least I’m honest with
myself. I know what I am, and I’m cool with it. I’m an asshole and I’m
awesome.” He held Gabriel’s gaze. “And I definitely don’t need the white
picket fence to feel better about myself.”
Gabriel’s face paled. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
Smiling, Tristan left, pleased that he’d had the last word.
 Chapter 8: Alexander

Alexander Sheldon watched his cousin from the corner of his eye. Jared
was sitting on the loveseat by the Christmas tree, his new boyfriend next to
him.
“Stop staring at them.” An arm wrapped around Alexander’s waist and
soft lips pressed against his cheek.
Alexander turned to his boyfriend and quirked an eyebrow. “I stare only
at you.”
Christian dimpled and brushed his lips against his. Alexander had to
stop himself from deepening the kiss; they weren’t alone. “Remind me why
we invited so many people.”
“Hey, it’s not that many people!” Christian widened his eyes
innocently. “There are, like, just thirty.”
“Too damn many,” Alexander muttered.
“Quit being such an antisocial freak. Don’t worry—no one will spill
anything on the carpet.”
Alexander gave his boyfriend a flat look, but Christian just grinned and
blew him a kiss.
“Besides,” Christian said, hooking his thumb on Alexander’s belt and
leaning into him. “We wanted to cheer Jared up, remember?”
Alexander looked back at his cousin. Jared had his boyfriend all over
him. “He doesn’t seem to need cheering up.”
“Hmm,” Christian said.
 “Oscar seems like a nice guy.”
“Uh huh.”
“Jared’s smiling. He looks happy.”
“Uh huh.”
Alexander looked at Christian. “It’s none of our business.”
Christian chewed on his lip. “Probably. But I don’t think it’s a good
idea. A bit too soon after…”
“It’s better than his staying home and drinking himself into oblivion.”
“Well, there’s that,” Christian said and they shared a look.
Alexander grimaced, remembering the first month after Jared’s return
from England. It was…bad. He’d never seen his ever-so-composed cousin in
such a state. Jared didn’t shave, barely ate and drank way too much. It
continued until Alexander finally threw away all the booze in the house,
shoved Jared into a cold shower, and told him to get a grip and stop wasting
his life away because of some undeserving asshole. Jared punched him in the
face and kicked him out of the house, but after that, he seemed to pull himself
together: he stopped drinking and even found a job at some soccer club.
Alexander had been relieved—until they found out Jared had started sleeping
around. Christian didn’t approve, which was a bit amusing, considering
Christian’s past. But in Christian’s opinion, there was a difference between
having lots of sex because one liked sex and having lots of sex because one
wanted to forget someone. Christian thought it wasn’t healthy, but Alexander
thought it was promising that Jared was at least making an attempt to forget
and move on.
When the pictures of Jared and Oscar Mone had hit the press a few
weeks ago, Alexander had been relieved. They had been photographed
embracing and they seemed affectionate with each other. It clearly wasn’t just
about sex. Oscar seemed totally smitten and Jared was…
Alexander glanced at his cousin again. Oscar was laughing and saying
something into Jared’s ear, and Jared listened with a slightly indulgent smile.
“He really seems happy,” Alexander murmured. “He’s smiling.”
“Sure,” Christian said.
Before Alexander could say anything, Mila slung her arms around
them. “Hey, guys!” She pecked them on their cheeks and gave them an
appreciative look. “Damn, I miss good old days when I had that in my bed.”
Christian laughed. “You sure you should be saying that in front of your
boyfriend?”
 “The boyfriend is used to it,” Fred, her boyfriend, said dryly.
Alexander had to give the guy credit: not every man would be
comfortable in the presence of his girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend and another guy
she’d had a threesome with.
Mila looked at Christian. “How did you manage to convince this guy to
throw a party? He always flat-out refused to do it when we were together.”
Christian smiled at Alexander and winked.
Mila rolled her eyes and patted Alexander’s chest. “You’re whipped,
honey.”
Alexander didn’t deny it. He was.
The doorbell rang.
Alexander looked at Christian. “Are we still waiting for someone?”
Christian frowned before shrugging. “Don’t think so. But Beth said she
might come.”
Nodding, Alexander went to open the door.
It wasn’t Beth.
“Hi,” Gabriel DuVal said, his green eyes unnaturally bright as they met
his. “Merry Christmas?”
Alexander stared at him for a moment before stepping out and shutting
the door quickly. “What are you doing here?”
Gabriel raised his eyebrows. “Nice to see you again, too.”
“What are you doing here?” Alexander repeated.
Gabriel shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “I want to talk
to Jared. The detective I hired said he should be here.”
“The detective you—Never mind.” Alexander shook his head. “You
aren’t seeing him.”
Narrowing his eyes, Gabriel crossed his arms over his chest. “Why
not?”
Alexander fixed him with a hard look. “Don’t you think you’ve already
done enough? He doesn’t need that shit again. He has a boyfriend now. Leave
him alone.”
Gabriel’s lips parted. “I—”
The door behind him opened. “Alec, who’s that?”
“No one,” Alexander said.
Christian put his chin on his shoulder from behind. “No one? The No
One looks like a guy to me. Hey, No One!”
“Hi.”
 Alexander sighed. “That’s the French kid. The soccer player.”
“Football player,” Gabriel grumbled. “And I’m not a kid.”
“Jared’s boy?” Christian murmured into Alexander’s ear. “So that’s
him? I thought he’d be more handsome. He’s cute, I guess, but Jared’s way
out of his league. So why aren’t you letting him in, babe?”
“Because Jared doesn’t need this shit.”
“Jared can take care of himself if that scrawny kid is meaner than he
looks.”
“Chris—”
“Let him in,” Christian said. “Trust me.”
Alexander pinched the bridge of his nose and stepped aside.
When Gabriel disappeared into the apartment, Alexander turned to
Christian. “Why risk it? Jared’s a lot better now. He’s happy enough.”
Christian gave him a soft smile. “You don’t believe it, either. If Jared
really loves Oscar and has moved on, this visit won’t change anything.
Look…” Christian looped his arms around Alexander’s neck and carded his
fingers through his hair, his dark eyes serious for once.“You thought you
were happy with Mila. I know the situations are different, but…” Christian
licked the corner of his mouth. “There’s happy and then there’s happy.
There’s a difference, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Alexander said, pulling him closer. He nuzzled into Christian’s
cheek, breathing him in. He thought of the quiet mornings he woke up and
saw Christian drooling on his pillow—of the feeling of rightness that swept
over him as he watched Christian’s sleeping form. Before he met Christian,
he had thought he was happy with his girlfriend. But compared to what he
felt with Christian—for Christian—his feelings for Mila had been a joke. A
pale imitation of the real thing. “Yeah,” he said again. “But that kid will bring
Jared nothing but pain. He’s straight.”
“I vaguely remember that you used to think you were straight, too,”
Christian said with a smile.
Alexander shook his head. “It’s different. He’s one hundred percent
straight. Settling for a nice guy who loves him is the best option for Jared.”
“Settling for someone you don’t love should never be okay,” Christian
said.
“I know.” Alexander squeezed him, suddenly feeling a rush of gratitude
for what he had. “But it happens all the time.”
“But—”
 “Look,” Alexander said, pulling back to look him in the eye. “I know
you like Jared and only have good intentions, but trust me, that guy…he’s
fucked up. He looks like a vulnerable, innocent boy, and he might even be
pretty nice most of the time, but there’s something ugly and ruthless under
the surface.”
Christian laughed incredulously. “Come on, no way—”
“Chris,” Alexander said grimly. “A year ago, he told me he’d never
give Jared up, no matter the cost. He threatened that he’d make sure Jared
never talked to me again if I told Jared anything. He implied Jared would
always choose him over anyone else, including his closest cousin.”
Christian’s mouth fell open.
“Yeah,” Alexander said. “Let’s hope he was wrong. When Jared left
England, I thought it proved that Gabriel was wrong, but...”
“Stop worrying about Jared. He’s a big boy.”
“I just don’t get what Jared sees in him.”
“You can’t rationalize love,” Christian said, shrugging. “Or you
wouldn’t be with me.”
Alexander leaned in and kissed his soft lips. God, he loved those lips.
“I don’t know,” he muttered when they finally broke the kiss. “I think
my choice was pretty rational. You’re beautiful inside out.”
Christian laughed, his eyes warm and cheeks flushed. “You didn’t think
that when we first met.”
“Well, you were very annoying.”
Christian poked his tongue out. “And you had a stick up your ass.
Actually, it’s been a year and it’s still not completely out.”
“I take it back,” Alexander said. “You’re still annoying.”
“You love me.” Chris dimpled and kissed him briefly. “You’re totally
crazy about me.”
Alexander sighed. “I guess I am,” he said grimly before grinning and
kissing him back.
He was.
 Chapter 9: Fighting Gravity

Gabriel took his jacket off and looked around the crowded room, his
heart beating so rapidly he felt a little dizzy for a moment. He shouldn’t be
here. What was he doing here? Why had he listened to Tristan, of all people?
Because that’s what you wanted all along, whispered a voice in the
back of his mind. Because Tristan was just the last push he had needed.
Because Jared had been wrong. Time didn’t help. If anything, he felt shittier
with every passing day, losing interest in everything. Even football. Even his
son. Even Claire. He could no longer deny that something was wrong with
him. He could remember his love for football, his attraction and love for
Claire, his dreams about a family, but he couldn’t feel any of those things
anymore. It was like something was broken inside of him, something that had
stopped working right. Sometimes he wondered if there had always been
something fundamentally wrong with him, and Jared was the reason he could
feel love at all. He used to be happy with Claire, but he used to receive an
abundance of love from Jared at the same time. He might have
underestimated how much his relationship with Jared affected his state of
mind and his relationships with other people. Now that Jared was gone, he
couldn’t feel a thing anymore— anything besides the feeling of
incompleteness and disconnection from the world. Fuck, it was beyond
messed up.
And the worst part was, apparently Jared didn’t feel the same way.
Apparently Jared was fine. More than fine. Apparently Jared was too busy
snogging some Americans to miss him at all.
“Hi! Looking for someone?”
Gabriel flinched and turned his head. A blond guy was looking at him
curiously, but there wasn’t even a flicker of recognition in his eyes. Here,
across the pond, few people recognized him.
“Yeah, actually,” Gabriel said. “Jared?”
“I think he’s in the kitchen.” The guy motioned to his left. “I’m
Shawn.”
Muttering his thanks, Gabriel headed there, his legs somewhat
unsteady.
He came to an abrupt halt in the kitchen doorway.
Jared wasn’t alone. He had some guy—Oscar Mone—all over him.
They were kissing. Jared’s hands were on Mone’s ass and Mone was
moaning and practically rutting against Jared, his fingers in Jared’s hair.
For a long, painful moment, it felt like Gabriel’s heart stopped beating.
He had trouble breathing. So it was true. It was all true.
He must have made some noise because Jared ended the kiss and turned
his head.
Jared went utterly still. Their gazes locked and the noise of the party
seemed to die away. Gabriel’s heart hammered in his ears.
“Hey, you’re Gabriel DuVal.”
Gabriel forced himself to tear his eyes away from Jared to look at
Mone. He almost laughed, although amusement wasn’t the emotion he felt as
he looked at the guy. It figured that the only person who had recognized him
in the States would be Mone.
“Yeah, and you are?” Gabe knew he was being obnoxious and he didn’t
care. He’d never claimed to be a nice person, and he wasn’t going to start for
that jackass’s sake.
“This is Oscar Mone, my boyfriend,” Jared said, putting an arm around
Mone.
Swallowing, Gabriel looked at his hand on Mone’s hip before lifting his
eyes to Jared’s face. It betrayed very little. He couldn’t read Jared at all, and
it hurt. It was never supposed to be that way. When he’d imagined—dreamed
of—seeing Jared again, he’d never thought it would be like that. Jared wasn’t
supposed to look at him with disinterest and have some peroxide blond
plastered against him.
Gabriel pasted a smile on his face. “Nice to meet you. Can I steal Jared
for a minute?”
Mone gave him a curious look but nodded and left the kitchen. When
Mone passed him, Gabriel held his breath: he smelled of Jared’s cologne.
He closed the door after Mone and turned around.
Jared’s face remained impassive. “What are you doing here?”
Gabriel didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t supposed to be here. Claire
thought he was at the training center with the team. Chelsea had a game on
Boxing Day, and he sure as hell wasn’t supposed to be in the States the day
before. The coach would kill him if he found out. And Jared didn’t exactly
look happy to see him. Everything he had planned to say seemed stupid now.
Jared had moved on. Jared didn’t give a shit anymore. Jared had a brand new
boyfriend.
“It’s good to see you, too, Jay.”
Jared averted his gaze. “Gabriel—”
“It’s nice to know you still remember my name.” His tone was
becoming nasty, but Gabriel couldn’t stop. It fucking hurt. All these months,
he’d been a mess, going through the motions without really caring, but
apparently Jared was pretty damn happy. “Wow, you’re fast. I thought it
would be at least a year before you started ‘loving’ someone else.”
Jared still wouldn’t look at him. “How is Claire?”
“She’s fine. We have a son, Jules.”
“Congrats,” Jared said briskly, walking toward the door. “I have to go.
Oscar’s waiting for me—”
Gabriel caught his arm.
Jared’s muscles stiffened under his hand.
“Let go,” Jared said, his voice very even.
“Do you love him?”
Jared looked at the closed door. “Yes.”
“You’re lying.” He grabbed Jared’s shoulder and turned him around.
“You’re fucking lying!”
Jared’s face was inscrutable, his muscles rigid under his touch. “I’m in
a good relationship. Let me be.”
Gabriel tightened his grip. “Look me in the eye and say you love him.
And I’ll go and never come back.”
Jared clenched his jaw. “He’s everything I ever wanted in a boyfriend.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
Jared looked him in the eye and said, “I love him. I’m over you. I don’t
love you anymore.”
Gabe sucked a breath in. He felt sick to his stomach.
“Prove it,” he whispered, hating himself a little for being so pathetic.
“How am I supposed to prove it?”
“Hold me. And I’ll know. I always knew.”
Some emotion flickered across Jared’s face. “That’s silly.”
“Prove it, then,” Gabriel repeated, firmer this time. “If you’re telling the
truth, you’ve got nothing to hide, right?”
Jared didn’t move.
“Or do you?” Gabriel said, raising his eyebrows.
Pressing his lips together, Jared lifted his arms and put them loosely
around him before quickly letting go—but Gabe grabbed his shirt. “Real hug.
Or are you scared?”
Swearing through his teeth, Jared yanked him close and hugged him so
hard he could barely breathe. Gabriel didn’t care: he melted against Jared,
into him, wanting to hide in him, crawl under his skin and never let go.
Cursing again, Jared squeezed him harder, and God, Jared’s scent, his arms
around him, his strength—it felt so good, right and perfect on so many levels
that he felt high. He’d been cold for so long. He felt warm now. Warm,
cherished and loved.
“Baby,” Jared croaked out, kissing Gabe’s brow and then his cheek, his
breath unsteady and ragged.
Gabriel smiled—Jared hadn’t called him that in years. “Missed you,” he
whispered, closing his eyes and leaning eagerly into the touch as Jared kissed
his face. “So much.”
“I know,” Jared said, trailing his lips across Gabriel’s cheek and
inhaling deeply. He seemed to be faring no better than Gabe: just as hungry
for touch. And God, he’d been hungry for this. So hungry that at times it felt
as though the need was gnawing a hole inside his soul.
Gabriel sighed as Jared kissed the corner of his mouth, then the other
one. His lips parted. “Say you love me.”
“Selfish little thing,” Jared said, but his voice was filled with so much
affection that Gabriel felt warm to his toes.
“Say it,” he demanded, burying a hand in Jared’s hair. It had grown
longer than Jared normally wore it.
“I love you,” Jared said hoarsely, nuzzling into his cheek. “Love you.”
Gabriel smiled, feeling more than a little giddy. “See, you’re mine,” he
whispered. “Not his.”
Jared went rigid. Then he swore under his breath, stepped away from
him and glared. “What is this all about, Gabe? You’re like a goddamn dog in
the manger! I’m not your possession. I have Oscar now—”
“You said you love me. You just said it!”
Jared’s jaw worked. He shook his head. “It changes nothing—”
“Why?” Gabriel growled. “You don’t need him! You love me, and I
love you—”
“Stop saying that,” Jared snapped. “You don’t love me.”
Gabriel laughed. “Thanks for informing me. Maybe you can tell me
why I feel so shitty without you, then.”
Sighing, Jared ran a hand through his hair and turned away. “I don’t
know what you’re doing here. There’s no fucking point. You have your life,
your family, your son. There’s no place for me in your life—actually there
never was—”
“There is.”
“Not the one I want,” Jared said quietly. He sounded tired. “You can’t
give me what I want.”
“And Mone can?”
“Yes, he can.” Jared looked at him. “I don’t love you like a brother or a
friend. I want things.”
Gabriel’s cheeks turned warm. “I know,” he said, a bit awkwardly. “I’m
not an idiot. I get it.”
“No, you don’t seem to get it,” Jared bit out. “I want to kiss you. I want
to kiss you everywhere. I want to leave hickeys all over you. I want to push
you under me, spread your legs and put my cock in you—”
“Stop that!” Gabriel said, flushing.
Jared laughed, a bitter, harsh sound that cut right through him. “Yeah,
that’s exactly what I meant.” And before Gabriel could say anything, he left.
 Chapter 10: Proposition

It felt like the dinner dragged on forever.

Jared was half-tempted to leave early, but he didn’t want it to seem like
he was fleeing from Gabriel—that was how it would be interpreted by his
cousin and Christian. Not to mention that would arouse Oscar’s suspicions. It
was bad enough already that Oscar was bewildered by Gabriel’s presence and
wouldn’t stop talking about him: Oscar was a little star struck. It would have
been funny if it weren’t Gabriel.
Gabriel.
Jared looked at the other end of the table. Gabriel was looking down at
his plate with a deeply contemplative expression on his face. What was he up
to?
Realizing he was staring, Jared forced himself to turn away.
He found Alexander studying him intently, a small frown between his
brows. Christian whispered something in his ear and Alexander’s frown
disappeared. Alexander smiled wryly at his boyfriend and shook his head,
touching Christian’s neck with his fingers. Christian grinned at him.
Jared averted his eyes. Sometimes watching Alexander and his
boyfriend was more than a little uncomfortable. He was happy for his cousin
—he was the one who had told Alexander to go for it—and yet…
Jared’s gaze fell on another couple, seated opposite him: a stern-faced
dark-haired man and a startlingly handsome blond guy. He didn’t know them
all that well, only their names: Derek and Shawn.
 “Don’t be such a party pooper,” Shawn told the other man, rolling his
eyes. “It wouldn’t hurt you to put on a smile once in a while.” He smiled
widely at his stern-faced partner. “See? It’s not that hard.”
Derek gave the blond an unimpressed look, but the way his dark eyes
lingered on Shawn’s smiling face betrayed him. The couple seemed odd and
mismatched, but at the same time, perfect for each other—just right.
Against his will, Jared’s eyes were drawn to Gabriel again.
This time he found Gabriel looking at him already.
Gabriel gave him a significant stare and inclined his head toward the
door.
Pressing his lips together, Jared shook his head. He’d already said
everything there was to say. There was nothing to talk about anymore. And if
Jared was entirely honest, he didn’t trust himself to be alone with Gabriel and
keep saying no. His resolve was non-existent when Gabriel looked at him
with his big green eyes and whispered his name. Jared had thought—hoped—
Oscar’s entrance into his life had changed it, but he was wrong. The moment
he’d seen Gabriel in the kitchen, Jared’s first urge was too push Oscar away,
as though he’d been caught cheating, which was ridiculous. Gabriel was
nothing to him, never had been and never would be. Jared had a boyfriend
now, and his boyfriend’s name wasn’t Gabriel. His boyfriend’s name was
Oscar.
Jared looked at the young man seated next him. Oscar smiled. Jared
managed an answering smile. When he’d met Oscar two months ago, it was
supposed to be just a one-night stand, one of many.
Jared grimaced at the thought. At the time, he’d been willing to fuck
every good-looking guy who came on to him. He’d wanted to prove to
himself he could still get it up. He’d wanted to prove to himself he could
move on. He’d wanted to prove he wasn’t the dull-eyed man he saw in the
mirror.
But one night had turned into two, then three, then a week, and on and
on, and Jared found he liked Oscar. He was handsome, but he was also nice
and down-to-earth. Compared to Gabriel’s temper and demanding attitude,
Oscar was a saint. Oscar was kind and uncomplicated. Oscar was everything
Gabriel wasn’t. Oscar was everything Jared wanted in a boyfriend. And
Oscar wanted him.
“…Jared? Jared!”
Jared flinched. Right. Oscar. “What?”
 Oscar’s gray eyes were full of confusion. “What’s up with you? You
weren’t listening.”
“I was,” Jared said. “I…”
Gabriel wasn’t in his seat anymore. He was by the door that led to the
bedrooms. He caught Jared’s gaze before disappearing out of sight.
Jared hesitated, torn between common sense and the desire to go after
him.
Goddammit. It was a lost battle.
He muttered some excuse and followed Gabriel out of the room, feeling
Alexander’s disapproving look on his back.
Gabriel was waiting for him in one of the guest rooms, his arms crossed
over his chest. There was an odd expression on his face: a mix of
determination and something else.
“You said you have no place in my life because I can’t give you what
you want,” Gabriel said without preamble. “What if I can?”
“What?”
Gabriel lifted his chin. “What if I can? What if… what if I let you kiss
me whenever you want?”
Jared stared at him. “You can’t be serious. I don’t need your pity.”
“It has nothing to do with pity. I think it’s pretty fair: I give you
something you want, and you give me something I want.”
Jared chuckled, shaking his head. “Shit, you’re actually serious.” He
raked a hand through his hair. “I can’t fucking believe you.”
“Why?” Gabriel’s voice was calm and rational, as though Jared was the
one spouting ridiculous things. “Just think about it and it will make perfect
sense.” His expression softened. “You know how much you mean to me. It
won’t gross me out if you kiss me sometimes. If it means I get to keep you,
I’ll do it happily.”
“That’s—that’s fucking crazy.”
Gabriel looked as stubborn as ever. “It’s not. I like when you touch me.
I wouldn’t be grossed out.”
Jared let out a harsh laugh. “And you think it’d be enough for me? That
you wouldn’t be grossed out? That you would stoically endure it? Really,
Gabe?”
A myriad of emotions flickered across Gabriel’s face until they settled
into one clear expression of determination.
Gabriel walked toward him.
 “Don’t,” Jared managed before Gabriel grabbed his face, rose on his
toes and pressed their lips together.
Jared was stronger and bigger than him. He could easily push him
away.
And yet, he couldn’t.
Gabriel’s lips were very soft and plump—and Gabriel’s. His Gabriel’s.
Jared couldn’t resist. Couldn’t fight himself. His lips moved. It was a stolen
moment, something fucked up and hopeless, but all the years of watching and
yearning had stripped away his control and he poured everything into the
kiss. Everything he couldn’t say and everything he felt.
Gabriel didn’t kiss back. He was completely still, just allowing it, and
rage swept through Jared, a rage unlike anything he’d ever experienced
before. Jared hardened the kiss to the point of bruising. He pried Gabriel’s
lips open and thrust his tongue inside the warm, wet cavern of his mouth, the
kiss becoming obscene and dirty. He wanted to shock him. He wanted to hurt
him. He wanted to repulse him.
But Gabriel didn’t push him away. He took it all, trusting him.
And that made him stop.
Jared wrenched his lips away and leaned his forehead against Gabriel’s,
breathing raggedly. Damn you.
He felt Gabriel touch his hair and then cup his face gently.
Jared pulled back to look at him.
Gabriel’s face was flushed, his expression a little bewildered, but he
didn’t look disgusted. He wet his lips. “Did you like it?”
Jared started laughing. He slid to the floor, rested his head in his hands
and laughed, and laughed, and laughed. It was an awful sound, as if his throat
had been cut, but he couldn’t stop. He felt empty. Disillusioned. He didn’t
know what he’d expected. He certainly hadn’t expected that Gabriel would
suddenly realize he was gay after one kiss, but…
But maybe he had. A fool. A fucking fool.
Gabriel sat down next to him and put an arm around his shoulders. “Jay
—I’m sorry.”
Jared said nothing.
Gabriel leaned his cheek against Jared’s shoulder. “I love you,” he
whispered, his voice tight with emotion.
Jared closed his eyes. “Don’t.”
Gabriel wrapped his other arm around Jared’s waist. “You can’t say I
don’t feel it only because I don’t want you that way. I—” His voice
thickened. “I love you in every way that matters. I love you so much it
fucking scares me.” His voice dropped, becoming barely audible. “I shouldn’t
love you more than Jules and Claire.”
“Don’t be silly. You don’t love me more than them.”
The laugh that left Gabriel’s lips was strained. “Jules had blue eyes and
dark hair at birth, you know. Claire told me the eye and hair color might
change, but I didn’t believe it. But then they started changing and I…I was so
disappointed. I felt so bad about it, you have no idea. I tried to hide it from
Claire, didn’t want to upset her, but somehow she knew and she got so mad.
We had a huge fight. She yelled at me that I should have let you knock me up
if I wanted a son that looks like you.”
Christ.
“It’s not at all like I imagined,” Gabriel said quietly into his shoulder.
His fingers played with the buttons of Jared’s shirt. “I used to think having a
family would be amazing, but—but it’s not. The baby cries all the time, and
Claire…we’ve been fighting off and on. About little things, things like we
think the other said something and we take it the wrong way—minor things
like that, but lately it’s been worse. Much worse. I’m not even sure why.
Everything just feels wrong and pointless, you know? It sounds horrible, but
sometimes…sometimes I wish they would both disappear. And then I feel
like such an asshole.”
Jared put a hand over Gabriel’s and stroked his knuckles.
Sighing, Gabriel twined their fingers together.
Jared stared blankly at the carpet, wondering how a person who could
never be truly his could feel so right. The simple act of holding Gabriel’s
hand was far more satisfying than it had any right to be. It fit perfectly in his.
It was almost silent apart from the distant noises coming from further
down the hall, and it would be so easy to pretend the outside world didn’t
exist. For a time. And that was the problem. It could only be for a time.
“Come back with me,” Gabriel whispered suddenly. “Please.”
“I can’t. It would never work.”
Gabriel squeezed his hand. “We’ll make it work.”
Jared smiled without humor. “How?”
Gabriel didn’t reply immediately. “You liked kissing me, right?”
Jared blinked slowly before looking at Gabriel’s head on his shoulder.
Gabriel seemed a bit uncomfortable, a faint flush on his cheekbones,
but he met Jared’s eyes firmly. “I’m serious. Come back and I’ll do
everything to make you happy.”
Jared opened and closed his mouth several times before he could finally
speak. “Everything,” he said flatly.
Gabriel nodded, chewing on his lip. “Within reason,” he said,
awkwardly.
“Within reason,” Jared repeated.
Gabriel gave him a wary look. “Why are you angry with me?”
“Can’t you guess?”
Gabriel lifted his head from Jared’s shoulder and sat straighter. “Look,”
he said, not letting go of Jared’s hand.
“Look,” Gabriel said again. “I know it may sound crazy, but just think
about it. You can pretend to be ‘happy’ with that guy all you want, but it
won’t last. I tried to lie, too. I pretended to be happy for Claire’s sake and
sometimes I managed it, but it was exhausting and made me feel even
shittier. You aren’t happy. If you really were happy with him, you wouldn’t
touch me the way you did.” Gabriel’s voice softened, an expression of
confusion and wonder appearing on his face. “You wouldn’t still look at me
the way you do.”
Jared didn’t even want to know. “Gabe—”
“No, hear me out,” Gabriel said, squeezing his hand and looking him in
the eye. “I can make you happy. I can. I will, or at least I’ll try my
damnedest. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. We can make it work.”
Swearing, Jared freed his hand and got to his feet. He hated that a part
of him wanted to accept whatever Gabriel was offering him, regardless of
how crazy and unrealistic it was.
“It would never work,” Jared said.
“Why?” Gabriel sounded frustrated now.
“Because you’re straight,” Jared gritted out. “You might think sex isn’t
important, but it is. It is important. I don’t want you to let me touch you out
of pity.”
Gabriel made an annoyed noise and got to his feet, too. He stepped
closer to Jared, so they were almost chest to chest. “It’s not pity, silly,”
Gabriel said, taking Jared’s hand and lifting it to his cheek. He turned his
head to kiss Jared’s palm.
Jared stiffened.
“I like it,” Gabriel said, looking a bit embarrassed. “I like when you
touch me. Yeah, sure, I don’t like it that way, but I enjoy it. I always like
having your hands on me. And when you just kissed me…I’m not gonna
deny it wasn’t weird—it was—but…but I liked it. I liked it, okay?”
Jared stared at him. “How can you like it but not that way? It was a kiss.
Either you like it that way or you don’t.”
Gabriel shrugged, brushing his hand through his hair. “It’s—it’s hard to
explain. You know I love when you hug me. I feel good, almost like I’m
high.”
“That’s not unusual,” Jared said. “Hugs encourage your body to release
oxytocin, which decreases the level of—”
“Yeah, okay,” Gabriel said with a fond smile and an eye-roll. “But
that’s not the point. When you hold me, it feels good, but I still feel like I
want more, you know? Like, I want you to get under my skin, inside of me.”
Jared sucked a breath in, all of his blood rushing south. His cock went
rock hard, thickening with need, his heart pounding in his chest.
Gabriel flushed crimson red and smiled crookedly. “Okay, that sounded
a lot better in my head.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Anyway, I…that’s
why I kinda liked it when you kissed me. I wasn’t just enduring it. It didn’t
turn me on, but it felt good, and I wouldn’t mind at all if you did it again.”
Gabriel’s gaze dropped to Jared’s lips for a moment before he looked away,
scratching behind his ear with his thumb. “It’s not pity, I swear.”
“What exactly are you suggesting?”
“Come back and I’ll try to give you everything you’d normally expect
from a relationship.”
“Everything but sex,” Jared said.
“Well,” Gabriel said, shifting from one foot to the other and looking
anywhere but at Jared. “Yeah. If you’re horny, I guess you can pick someone
up—sometimes. But other than that, I’ll give you everything you need.”
Jared didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “There’s a difference
between having sex with someone you love and fucking someone you don’t.”
Gabriel’s lips pursed briefly. “Then there isn’t much of a difference
between a one-night stand and Mone, is it?”
That was a low blow, but Gabriel had a point. Actually, Jared was
having trouble finding fault in Gabriel’s logic.
But there was one thing Gabriel had failed to mention.
“What about Claire?” Jared asked. “What would she say about it?”
For the first time, Gabriel seemed unsure. Not for long, though. “She’s
smart. She knows how important you are to me, always did. She knows I
loved you first.”
Jared shook his head. “Do you really think she would be okay with
that?” How could Gabriel be so naive? No woman would be happy to share
her partner with another person, even if the relationship was mostly innocent.
“I think she would be,” Gabriel said. “Besides, nothing would change
for her.” He gave Jared a crooked smile. “I bet she would even be glad to
have you back. She doesn’t have much patience for me when I’m in a bitchy
mood.”
Jared didn’t smile. He eyed him for a moment before touching Gabriel’s
chin and tipping his face up. “Do you understand what you are offering?”
Gabriel swallowed. “Yeah, I do.” He leaned in and brushed his lips
against Jared’s.
Jared tensed, his body taut with need.
“I want it,” Gabriel said softly. “Come on. Kiss me.” He brushed their
lips together again.
Jared’s control shattered. He pulled him flush against him and sucked
on Gabriel’s lip. Gabe’s body was still against him, but his lips parted
willingly. Jared’s tongue stroked the inside of Gabriel’s mouth, and Gabriel
gave a small, surprised noise.
With an incredible force of will, Jared forced himself to pull back a
little.
Gabriel stared at him wide-eyed. He seemed a little bewildered again.
“Okay?” Jared said and didn’t recognize his own voice.
Gabriel smiled weakly and nodded.
“You sure?”
Gabriel nodded again and swiped his tongue across his lip.
Groaning, Jared caught that tongue and sucked on it. Gabriel made that
soft little gasp again, his hands gripping Jared’s shoulders hard. He didn’t
kiss Jared back, just taking it and letting Jared do whatever he wanted with
his mouth, and it was more arousing than it had any right to be. Jared thrust
his tongue into the cavern of Gabriel’s mouth and pulled him tighter, kissing
him deeper, hungry and insatiable. God, he wanted him. He wanted to shove
Gabriel onto the bed, tear his clothes off and kiss him everywhere. He wanted
to suck his cock and make him beg to be touched. He wanted to put his cock
in Gabriel and fuck him into the mattress, wanted it so badly he could barely
think. He pulled Gabriel in deeper, his mouth growing more insistent as the
desire threatened to engulf him. He was literally shaking, but he could do
nothing about it. He couldn’t control his body at all. It felt like something
was broken inside of him now that he had kissed Gabriel once—he couldn’t
stop himself from doing it again, and again, and again. God, he wanted to
have him. He needed to take him.
Someone cleared their throat.
Goddammit.
Breathing hard, Jared wrenched his lips away.
“Jared.”
Alexander was standing in the doorway. His face was mostly
expressionless, but Jared knew his cousin well.
“Oscar’s been looking for you,” Alexander said.
Jared flinched, a wave of shame and guilt washing over him. Fuck.
He’d completely forgotten about Oscar.
Still painfully aroused, he nodded briskly and moved to leave the room,
but a hand on his arm stopped him.
Gabriel searched his face. “I’ll see you in London, right?” he said,
uncertainly.
Jared stared at Gabriel’s swollen lips—swollen from his kisses—and
then into the green eyes he loved so much.
“Jared, don’t do this,” Alexander said quietly.
Gabriel glared at him over Jared’s shoulder before looking back at
Jared. “Jay—”
“Go home,” Jared said, shoving his trembling hands into his pockets. “I
need to think.”
Gabriel opened his mouth to argue but seemed to think better of it.
Stepping closer, he hugged Jared. “I love you,” he whispered, only for his
ears. “Remember that.”
Jared nodded and allowed himself to drop a chaste kiss on Gabriel’s
forehead.
But of course Gabriel was having none of it. He leaned in and gave him
a soft kiss on the lips. It took all of Jared’s self-control to stop himself from
deepening it.
“I’ll see you soon,” Gabriel said, pulling away. He smiled and gave
Jared a long, oddly hungry look before walking out.
“Don’t say anything,” Jared said when he and his cousin were left
alone. “I know what you’re going to say and you’re right. I shouldn’t do it.”
 Alexander heaved a sigh. “I just hope you know what you’re doing.
That kid will break your heart again if you let him.”
Jared met the eyes so like his own and smiled without mirth. “I know.”
 Chapter 11: Disillusioned

“All right, what’s going on?” Oscar said as soon as they returned to
Jared’s house.
Jared pulled his shirt off and turned to Oscar. He didn’t bother feigning
ignorance; only an idiot wouldn’t have noticed how quiet he’d been during
the drive home, and Oscar wasn’t an idiot.
“You can tell me anything,” Oscar said, his gray eyes kind and
concerned.
Jared stared at his strong handsome face. Then he grabbed Oscar’s arm
and yanked him closer. Oscar made a surprised noise that was swallowed by
Jared’s mouth. Jared kissed him hard, trying to feel something—anything.
Oscar moaned and kissed back, sliding his hands under Jared’s shirt, and it
felt—
It felt wrong. It felt wrong, and dirty, as though he was cheating on
Gabriel, which was so ridiculous it made Jared angry. Angry with Gabriel,
but mostly angry with himself. Why did the kisses Gabriel had allowed him
to have feel so much better than Oscar’s passionate kisses? It made no sense.
He liked Oscar. He wanted to love him. Oscar was the perfect boyfriend any
gay man could wish for.
He wasn’t Gabriel.
Jared shook the thought off. He’d been content enough with Oscar until
Gabriel had shown up. He could be content with Oscar again. He just had to
try instead of pining for something he could never truly have.
 Oscar laughed breathlessly when Jared pushed him into the bed.
At least physically he could still feel what his mind and his heart
couldn’t. He managed to get hard, and he managed to stay hard until he
pushed inside Oscar.
Then, everything went wrong: Oscar’s bright blond hair became darker,
his skin paler and softer, his body slimmer, and then it was Gabriel looking
up at him trustingly. And something snapped inside of him, his cock
swelling, his blood burning.
Afterward, Jared could barely remember the sex. He remembered the
want, the love, and the gut-wrenching longing rushing through his blood. He
remembered the name that left his lips when he came. It wasn’t Oscar’s.
For a long, tense moment, there was no sound at all.
Then Oscar shoved him off before sitting up and reaching for his
clothes.
Jared turned onto his back, feeling like the biggest asshole on the
planet.
“You should have told me,” Oscar said tersely, standing up to pull his
jeans on. “You should have fucking told me you were in love with someone
else. Then I wouldn’t be such a…” He chuckled, shaking his head. “You
should have told me.”
“I didn’t think it mattered.”
Oscar started buttoning up his shirt, his movements stiff, wooden. “It
mattered,” he said. “If I knew I was just a rebound for you, I wouldn’t have
been stupid enough to—to…”
Jared got rid of the condom. “I’m sorry.”
“Right. You’re sorry.”
Jared got out of the bed and put a hand on Oscar’s shoulder. “I really
am,” he said quietly. “I know better than anyone how much this sucks. He’s
straight and he will never truly be mine.”
A humorless laugh left Oscar’s throat. “Right now I can’t really feel
sorry for you.” He turned around, his lips twisted into a smile that looked
more like a grimace. “I thought you were the one for me, you know.”
The unmasked pain in Oscar’s eyes brought a new wave of guilt, regret
and resentment at the unfairness of it all. “I wanted it to work,” Jared said.
“You’re the kind of man I always wanted for a partner: nice, and unselfish,
and—”
“But I’m not him,” Oscar said.
 Jared averted his gaze. “You’re a better person than him.”
“But I’m not him.”
Jared remained silent.
His jaw clenching, Oscar nodded and turned to the door.
“I tried to fall for you,” Jared said. “I thought that maybe if I could for
anyone—”
“Don’t.”
“—it would be you. If I could choose—”
“But you can’t,” Oscar said tightly. “And neither can I.” He gave a
weak attempt at a smile. “But at least I know better than to fall for a straight
guy. Good luck with that.” And he left.
Oscar didn’t slam the door on his way out.
Gabriel would have.
Jared sat down on the unmade bed and buried his face in his hands.
Goddammit, he was tired. Tired of fighting this. Tired of forcing himself to
feel what he didn’t feel. Tired of suppressing the emotions he did feel. He’d
done it for years. He had tried one-night stands, he’d tried relationships, he’d
tried to move on and live away without Gabriel. But nothing had worked, and
deep down, he knew nothing ever would.
I love you. Gabriel’s voice, soft and sincere, whispering in his mind.
You can’t say I don’t feel it only because I don’t want you that way. I love
you in every way that matters.
Jared bit the inside of his cheek until he felt the bitter taste of his blood.
 Chapter 12: Claire

Claire put her son into his crib as carefully as she could before
straightening up and wiping her forehead.
She glanced at her watch and was somewhat surprised to find it was
only midnight. It felt like Jules had been crying for hours until he finally
exhausted himself into sleep a few minutes ago.
Yawning, she changed into a fresh t-shirt and went to the bathroom.
God, she was exhausted. Her arms ached, her back hurt, and the thought of a
soft mattress made her insides tingle. Maybe she should have listened to her
friends and hired a full-time nanny.
By the time she returned to the room, Gabriel was back, too. He was
sitting on the bed, a giddy smile on his face.
Claire came to an abrupt halt. She couldn’t remember the last time
she’d seen him smile so widely.
“Good news?” she said quietly, glancing at the phone he was clutching
in his hand.
Gabriel looked up at her and grinned. And for a moment, Claire forgot
her exhaustion, the sleepless nights, the ache in her back, and felt a stirring of
attraction. The emotion seemed foreign now. How long had it been since
she’d felt something other than irritation, resentment and anger? Lately all
they seemed to do was fight and argue.
“Yeah,” he said, looking back at his phone. “Jared just called.”
Her heart skipped a beat. “Jared?”
 “Yeah.” Gabriel grinned again, his face full of excitement and joy.
“He’s coming back.”
“Oh.”
Gabriel jumped off the bed and started pacing the room. “Obviously
he’ll need a few weeks to take care of things and he’ll need a…” He frowned.
“Dr. Boyle has Jared’s job now, though. But Jared is much better than her—
surely the board will see it and give him the job back? Maybe if I talk to the
club’s owner—”
Claire shook her head with a chuckle. “You can’t be serious. It was
Jared’s own choice to leave. Dr. Boyle is the senior club doctor now. You
can’t get the poor woman fired only because you want Jared to get his job
back.”
Gabriel blinked a few times, as though it hadn’t even occurred to him
that what he was contemplating might be a bad thing. “Right,” he said. “I’ll
have to think of something else.”
“You don’t have to think of anything,” Claire said, crossing her arms
over her chest. “Jared is an adult, he’s a highly respected professional, and
I’m sure he’s fully capable of finding a good job without your help.”
“I know that,” Gabe muttered, rubbing his hand behind his neck.
“Obviously. I just wanted him to get his old job and be with—” He cut
himself off.
“And be with you all the time?” Claire finished quietly.
Gabriel shifted from one foot to the other, looking uncomfortable and
kind of embarrassed.
But he didn’t deny it.
Claire sat on the bed and stared at Jules’s crib blankly. God, she wasn’t
even surprised anymore. And she was too tired to feel any anger or jealousy.
Truth be told, a part of her was relieved. She’d been glad when Jared had left,
but she’d had no idea how much it would affect her relationship with Gabriel,
and not in a good way. There had been a month or so before the baby’s birth
when Gabriel had made an effort to hide from her how shitty he still felt—not
that he’d been very successful—but after Jules’s birth, things had only gotten
worse. Gabe’s disinterested and moody behavior drove her crazy and she
often ended up wishing Jared was there to deal with him—because she didn’t
know how and sometimes found it hard to care. It was pretty ironic that she
had wished for Jared to leave, but now that she had Gabriel all to herself, she
felt sick of everything and she was pretty sure he felt the same.
 Sometimes she couldn’t help wondering if Gabriel regretted the
direction his life had taken. And in her weakest moments, the same thought
sneaked up on her. God, she was probably the worst mother in the world.
Sighing, Gabriel sat down next to her. Their shoulders brushed. Neither
of them looked at the other.
“I,” Gabriel said after a while. His tone was strange. “I need to tell you
something. Jared…he’s in love with me.”
She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts. So
Jared was really in love with Gabriel. All things considered, it wasn’t as big
of a surprise as it could have been. The thought had certainly crossed her
mind before. Sometimes, when she’d watched them together, she had
wondered. Jared had always been ridiculously indulgent with Gabriel. He put
up with Gabe’s difficult personality with ease, accepting him for what he was
—something even she struggled with.
“Is that why he left?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
“Okay,” she said tonelessly. “Why are you telling me that now?”
Gabriel couldn’t seem to be able to keep his hands still. “I talked him
into coming back. I promised that I’d try to make him happy.”
Claire turned her head and stared at him. “How can you even…You’re
straight—you have a family!”
Gabriel looked away. “So what?”
She blinked. “So what?”
His jaw set into a stubborn line. “It doesn’t mean I can’t make him
happy. I can, or at least I’ll try my damnedest. I’ll do anything to make him
happy.”
Claire opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She was completely,
utterly speechless.
“Anything?” she said, raising her voice. “Anything?”
“The baby,” Gabriel said, glancing at the crib.
She lowered her voice. “Are you out of your mind? You can’t just…”
She let out a short laugh. “Seriously? Are you going to sleep with him to
make him happy?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he said, awkwardly.
“Then what are you going to do? What?” She scoffed. “If he’s in love
with you, he won’t want to just hold your hand.”
Licking his lips, Gabriel muttered, “I know that. That’s why I’m talking
to you.”
Her stomach clenched. “What?”
“I’m obviously not gonna have sex with a man, but I want to try to give
him a normal relationship, more or less.”
She could only stare at him.
He smiled, looking at the phone in his hand. “Don’t look at me like I’m
crazy.”
“You are crazy,” Claire said. “It would never work.”
“It would. It will.”
Claire rubbed her temples. God, he was giving her a headache. At
moments like this, she couldn’t help questioning why they were still together.
It felt like they were speaking different languages. “All right, let me get it
straight: you promised the man who’s in love with you to make him happy,
even though you have a family and you’re straight. Fine, I’m not going to ask
how you’re going to accomplish that, but what about me and Jules?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Gabriel looked genuinely
confused. “Nothing would change for you. You’re my family. Jared is…” He
trailed off.
What?
The word got stuck in her throat. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know
his answer. What was said couldn’t be unsaid.
A coward. Maybe she was a coward.
“Look…” Gabriel took her hand. “I know this must be weird for you,
but you have no reason to feel threatened—or jealous.”
Claire laughed out loud.
“What?” He looked adorably bewildered.
“Gabe, I felt jealous and threatened from the very first day I met Jared.
So you’re right that nothing would change for me.” She shook her head with
a smile. Fuck it, she was sick and tired of being a coward. “Actually, no—
something did change. I no longer have any delusions that I’ll ever come first
for you. Jared might be across the ocean, but he’s still here, between us, just
like he’d never left. Admit it: Who would you choose if you had to choose?”
An emotion flickered across his face. “You’re my family. I’d never
leave my son.”
His answer hurt. “That’s not what I asked.”
Gabriel swallowed and looked away.
She freed her hand from his grasp, bitter regret filling her throat. “As I
thought.”
He touched her shoulder. “Claire—”
“Don’t,” she said. “Just don’t.”
“I—I love you.” He didn’t sound all that certain.
She wasn’t sure she believed him. Had he ever loved her? Or was it just
the infatuation of an eighteen-year-old? They had been so young. Hell, they
were still young—just twenty-one—but she felt old.
“But you need him,” she said. “Not me.”
His silence spoke volumes, and Claire shook her head, feeling tired to
her bones. “I don’t have any choice, do I? You’re not asking for my
permission. You’re informing me.”
“I’m not forcing you to accept this,” he said, his voice clipped. “There’s
always a choice.”
She lifted her gaze again to meet his. “Yeah, there is.”
But some choices were too scary. She didn’t think she was ready to
make them—yet.
“I need to think,” she said. “I’m not sure if I can do this—if I want to do
this. But we have a son. We can’t make rash decisions or…” Her voice
thickened and she had to swallow the lump in her throat. When had
everything gone so wrong?
Gabriel wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close.
“I’m sorry,” he said into her hair. “Sorry for being so fucked up. I wish I
wasn’t.”
She closed her eyes and let him hug her, trying to remember the good
times. She couldn’t, and in all honesty, it was partly her fault, too. She
shouldn’t have gotten pregnant to tie him down when he wasn’t ready. But
she didn’t regret it— because despite the sleepless nights, despite the mess
they were in, she couldn’t imagine not having her baby.
“All right,” she said. “We’ll try to make it work.”
He exhaled and kissed her on the temple. “Thanks. You’re the best
girlfriend ever.”
Claire smiled grimly. Maybe that was the solution. She would become
the best girlfriend in the world. She would be so amazing and understanding,
Gabriel would adore her. She had one advantage over Jared: Gabriel was
attracted to her. For men sex was important, and even Gabe’s weirdly intense
attachment to Jared wouldn’t make him attracted to a man.
She could do this. She could. Despite everything, she wasn’t ready to
give up on their relationship and her dreams. Gabriel was the father of her
child. He was the man she’d chosen for herself. She wouldn’t give him up
without a fight, Jared Sheldon be damned.
Claire turned her head and brushed her lips against Gabriel’s. “It’s been
so long since we had sex,” she murmured, pushing him onto his back and
straddling him. “You must be horny.” Claire kissed him, closed her eyes and
let herself hope, no matter how foolish that hope might be.
PART III: HOME
 Chapter 13: Back

England greeted him with rain, but Jared found himself smiling. He
never thought he would miss the miserable English weather.
The meeting with Chelsea’s directors didn’t take long: he’d worked for
the club for several years, so they knew him well and trusted him to pick up
where he had left off. Jared hadn’t really thought he’d be able to get his old
job back, but it turned out the doctor who had replaced him wanted to move
to a German top club after the end of the season, and Jared agreed to wait
until the position became available again. In the meantime, he was going to
be responsible for the club’s rehabilitation center.
When the meeting was over, Jared found his feet carrying him to the
training grounds. He hadn’t expected that the meeting would take place at the
Cobham Training Center, but now that he was there, Jared couldn’t resist the
temptation to seek Gabriel out. It had been almost a month.
The rain had stopped, and the air was clean and heavy with moisture.
Jared breathed it in as he walked slowly toward the group of footballers
training on the pitch.
A part of him still couldn’t believe he had really done this—that he was
really going back to his old life in England. Maybe it was the wrong decision,
but he was tired. Tired of fighting this. Tired of running away. There was no
goddamn point.
Jared’s heart started beating faster when he saw the familiar dark-blond
curls. Gabriel was dribbling past two defenders, lightning-quick and agile.
Jared had almost forgotten how good he was.
As though feeling his gaze, Gabriel turned his head. He came to a halt,
his eyes widening and lips parting. A beautiful smile stretched across his face
that Jared couldn’t help but mirror.
And then Gabriel was running toward him, his blue training kit clinging
to his skin. Jared tried not to stare, but it was difficult. Gabriel might be a
little slim, but like most footballers, he was very fit without being buff. Fuck
it, for Jared he was perfect from head to toe.
Jared barely kept himself upright when Gabriel collided into him.
“You’re back,” he breathed into Jared’s neck, hugging him tightly. “You’re
back.”
Acutely aware of the coach and other footballers watching them
curiously, Jared let himself nuzzle Gabriel’s hair for a moment—just a
moment—before pulling back and shoving his hands into the pockets of his
jacket. The simple action was far harder than it should have been.
“Yes,” he said belatedly, his eyes on Gabriel’s beaming face.
Gabriel stepped closer again. Jared clenched his hands in his pockets
and gave him a look of warning. Stay a few feet away from me.
Gabriel frowned and glanced at his teammates before returning his gaze
to Jared. “When did you get here? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Jared!” Another footballer jogged toward them. Tristan DuVal.
“You’re back! I mean—are you back?”
Jared smiled at him and shook his hand. He didn’t share Gabriel’s
opinion that Tristan was the devil reincarnated; Gabriel wasn’t exactly an
angel himself.
“Yes,” he said. “For the time being, I’ll be the senior doctor at the
rehabilitation center. I’ll replace Dr. Boyle when she moves to Munich in the
summer.”
“Great!” Tristan touched Jared’s arm, smiling. “You’ve been missed
very much, Doctor.”
“DuVal, DuVal—both of you come back this instant!” the coach yelled.
“Yes, go back to training,” Gabriel said, glowering at his brother.
Tristan ignored him, his gaze still on Jared. “I’m really glad you’re
back, Jared,” he said, stroking Jared’s arm and giving him puppy-dog eyes
that somehow managed to be seductive.
Jared just smiled in amusement. It wasn’t the first time Tristan had
attempted—and failed—to make him eat out of his hand, as Tristan had done
with everyone else.
But sometimes he wished Tristan’s charm worked on him. Objectively,
Tristan was far more handsome than Gabriel: his artfully messy brown hair
complemented his vivid, unusual aquamarine eyes and warm, golden skin
tone. He was pretty damn stunning. Any gay man would have a hard time
keeping his eyes and hands off this young man. And Tristan clearly wasn’t as
straight as his brother was.
Gabriel stepped between them and crossed his arms over his chest. “Go
away and bother someone else.”
Tristan raised his eyebrows, looking faintly amused. But he did step
away. “See you around, Doc!” He headed back to the pitch, swaying his hips
a bit more than necessary.
“Are you ogling his ass?”
Jared looked at Gabriel. His lips were pursed, a strange expression on
his face.
“It’s a nice ass,” Jared said, studying him.
Gabriel opened his mouth before scowling and averting his gaze.
Jared chuckled and said, not without fondness, “You’re the most
ridiculous person in the world.”
Kicking a stone under his feet, Gabriel muttered, “Am not. I just don’t
get it. You say you love me and then you ogle that dick’s ass.”
Jared couldn’t suppress his smile, a wave of affection washing over
him. Christ, he had missed his Gabriel and his ridiculous way of thinking.
“Do you want me to ogle yours?”
Gabriel blushed a little but lifted his chin stubbornly. Jared had never
wanted to kiss him more.
“DuVal!” the coach yelled again.
Gabriel glanced back before looking intently at Jared. “Have you found
a place to stay already?”
Jared shook his head. “I’ll probably stay in a hotel until I find a good
place in the area.”
Gabriel licked the corner of his mouth. “Stay with me.”
“What?”
“Stay at my place,” Gabriel said with more conviction.
“What about…your family?” Your son and his mother.
An unidentifiable emotion flickered across Gabriel’s eyes and was gone
so quickly that Jared wasn’t sure he hadn’t imagined it to begin with.
 “It’s a big house. Claire doesn’t mind. Really.”
Jared knew he should say no. It was a terrible idea. He had no desire to
watch Gabriel with his partner and their child.
“Please?” Gabriel’s green eyes practically pleaded him to agree.
Against his better judgment, Jared said, “Only for a few days, until I
find a place to stay.”
Gabriel beamed at him. “All right.”
“DuVal, I swear to God—”
“Coming!” Gabriel called out before turning back to Jared and touching
his chest. “I have to go, but the training session will be over soon. Wait for
me?” He gave Jared a small smile that made Jared’s chest warm. He nearly
laughed at himself. God, he was pathetic. He was so whipped it wasn’t funny.
“I will,” Jared said.
 Chapter 14: Betwixt and Between

As soon as Jared met Claire’s eyes, he knew that she knew.

Something unpleasant coiled in the pit of his stomach and it took a
considerable effort to keep his smile on his face.
Claire’s answering smile was hesitant. “I’m glad you’re back,” she said
and kissed him on the cheek.
“I invited Jared to stay here until he finds a new place,” Gabriel said,
touching his shoulder.
“Of course,” Claire said with the same faint smile. “You’re welcome to
stay, Jared. For as long as you want.”
Jared searched her face for any sign of insincerity and found none.
Claire grimaced, glancing at her milk-stained shirt. “God, I look a
fright! I’ll be back after I change clothes.” With a crooked smile, she ran
upstairs, an air of discomfort about her.
“Why did you tell her?” Jared said. Had he known, he wouldn’t have
agreed to stay with them.
“Because I had to,” Gabriel said, stepping closer to him. “You’re not
some shameful little secret for me. We’ve got nothing to hide. I’m not going
to lie to anyone, much less to Claire.” He looked at Jared firmly. “Look, I
know this is all strange, but I’m gonna try to make it work. And I’m not
going to complicate the situation by lying. So I told Claire how important you
are to me and that I want to make you happy. And I had to tell her that you’re
—that you’re…”
 “That I’m in love with you,” Jared said flatly.
Biting his bottom lip, Gabriel nodded. “Are you mad at me?”
“What do you think?” Jared said. “Do you have any idea how awkward
it is for me? She’s your wife—”
“She isn’t!”
“Really?” Jared said harshly. “She’s the mother of your son. That’s far
more important than a piece of paper. And now I’m supposed to stay under
her roof, knowing that she knows and watching you two and your son—”
“I know,” Gabriel said, and the tone of his voice made Jared look at him
—really look at him.
Gabriel’s eyes were wide and troubled, his shoulders tense beneath the
soft green sweater he was wearing. “I know,” he said again. “I’m not that
insensitive. I know how awkward this must be for you. I fucking know it!”
He drew a shaky breath in. “Do you think I like it? That I like making you
feel shitty? I hate it. And I’m scared shitless.”
“Of what?”
Gabriel looked him in the eye. “That you’ll end up regretting it. That
you’ll regret leaving that guy and moving here for my sake when I don’t have
much to give you.” He smiled without mirth. “I said I’d make you happy, but
you know me: I get carried away sometimes. Maybe I can’t do it. I’ll
probably end up disappointing you and making you unhappy.” His lips
pressed into a thin line. “Maybe I should have left you alone. That guy—
Oscar—he could give you things I can’t, but...” Gabriel’s jaw worked. He
leaned his forehead against Jared’s shoulder. “But I just can’t. It eats at me
from the inside.”
Jared stared blankly at the opposite wall.
“You know the most fucked up part?” Gabriel said, his voice muffled a
little. “If Claire falls in love with someone else, I’ll let her go. It would suck,
but I would respect her decision. Because I want her to be happy. But it’s
different with you. When I imagine you loving someone else—someone else
being more important to you than me—it drives me mad. You’re mine. Mine
and no one else’s.” His hand fisted Jared’s shirt. His voice became tight. “It’s
fucking silly, but I honestly feel like—like you were created for me and no
one else has the right to have you.” Gabriel chuckled, still hiding his face in
Jared’s shoulder. “Say it: I’m a weirdo. I’m sick.”
Jared struggled to control his body’s reaction. Gabriel’s strange
possessiveness always did things to him. He knew Gabriel didn’t really mean
it in a sexual way, but there was something vaguely sexual in his
possessiveness, whether Gabriel meant it or not. “You’re a weirdo,” he said,
stroking Gabriel’s nape and dropping a kiss in his hair.
“But you love me anyway, right?” The neediness in Gabriel’s voice was
impossible to miss.
“I love you,” Jared said. The words tasted bittersweet on his tongue, but
it was also a relief to be able to say them. He tipped Gabriel’s face up and
dragged his mouth gently across Gabriel’s jaw. “I love you.”
Gabriel practically melted into him, tucking his face into the crook of
Jared’s neck. “I love you more,” he whispered, brushing his lips against
Jared’s throat. A chaste kiss. Chaste words.
But there was nothing chaste about the way his body reacted. Jared’s
heart was hammering in his chest, the familiar mix of want and longing, pain
and euphoria coursing through his veins.
Jared closed his eyes and wondered if this was how it felt to be between
heaven and hell.
 Chapter 15: Sleeping Arrangements

It was two in the morning and Jared still lay wide awake, gazing into a
room filled with shadows. After months of living in a noisy big city, the quiet
of the English countryside seemed strange. The house was completely silent.
Even the baby had stopped crying a while ago.
The baby. Gabriel and Claire’s son.
Jared still wasn’t sure how he had managed to put on a smile and say all
the right things when Claire had brought the baby downstairs. He’d thought
he was prepared for it, but nothing could have prepared him for the reality of
seeing Gabriel’s child—his child with his woman. After the dinner, Jared
excused himself, saying that he was tired after the flight, and left the room,
ignoring the concerned look on Gabriel’s face.
That was six hours ago.
Six hours of thinking in circles and wondering what he was even doing
here.
The baby had Gabriel’s eyes. And his nose. And his stubborn chin.
“Enough,” Jared whispered. That way lay madness.
The door creaked open.
His eyes darted toward it, but he couldn’t see much. The night was
moonless and it was too dark in the room.
There were footsteps approaching the bed.
“Gabe?”
“How did you guess?”
 “I don’t think Claire would come to my room in the middle of the
night.” Jared tried to sound amused, but he wasn’t sure he had pulled it off.
He heard Gabriel pause by the bed for a moment. Then he slid under the
comforter.
Jared tensed. “What are you doing?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” Gabriel said, as though that explained everything. He
rolled over, threw an arm over Jared’s bare chest, cheek to his shoulder, and
sighed contentedly. “Mmm, much better. Fuck, I’m so tired.”
“Gabe—”
“Hold me. You know I sleep like a baby when you hold me.”
Jared smiled. “You’re spoiled rotten.”
“If I’m spoiled rotten, then it’s your own fault,” Gabriel said, yawning.
“You’re the only one who ever spoiled me.”
Jared exhaled and put a hand on Gabriel’s back, forcing himself not to
stroke the silky-soft skin under his fingertips.
They lay in silence for a long while—the type of silence that could only
be shared by people who knew each other inside out: achingly comfortable
and content.
“Did you hate Jules?” Gabriel whispered suddenly, his finger tracing
circles on Jared’s chest. “It’s okay if you did. I mean, it’s not okay, but I’d
understand.”
“He’s a two-month-old baby,” Jared said. “I don’t hate babies until
they’re at least three months old.”
Gabriel snickered, his breath tickling his skin in the most tantalizing
way.
Jared had to take a few breaths before he could control his voice. “He
looks a lot like you.”
“I guess,” Gabriel murmured, nuzzling into Jared’s shoulder and
hooking his ankle around Jared’s. The sensation of Gabriel’s bare leg against
his was almost unbearable in its intensity.
Jared gritted his teeth. He was used to Gabriel behaving like a touch-
starved kitten, but this was ridiculous even for him. “Gabriel.”
“Mmm?”
“I’m half-naked,” Jared said tonelessly. “You’re half-naked, too. Stop
groping me and get out of my bed.”
There was a moment’s silence.
“It never bothered you before.”
 Jared gave a laugh. “It definitely bothered me. I just couldn’t say
anything.”
“But—”
“Get out of my bed. Now.”
Gabriel didn’t move. “I don’t want to. What’s the big deal if we cuddle
a little? It’s—”
“What’s the big deal?” Jared took a slow, measured breath. “Imagine
sharing a bed with a half-naked girl you’re in love with. She has her naked
tits pressed against you and you get all hot and bothered, but she says she just
wants to cuddle.”
“Oh,” Gabriel breathed out, his tone painfully awkward. “That would
suck.”
“It would. It does.” Jared ran a hand over his face. “Never mind. Just go
back to your own room.”
Gabriel didn’t move.
Jared didn’t like his silence. He could practically hear him think. It
made him nervous. “Whatever you’re plotting, stop it. And go.”
At last, Gabriel moved. But he didn’t get out of the bed. He lifted
himself on an elbow and found the corner of Jared’s mouth in the darkness.
Jared flinched. “Gabe—”
“Come on,” Gabriel said. “We talked about it. It’s okay. We already did
this twice. I liked it.”
Jared clutched the sheets in his hand. “You don’t have to do this.”
“I want to,” Gabriel murmured, brushing their lips together. “Come on,
Jay. Take this.”
Soft lips. A touch. His body, shuddering with restrained need. Another
touch. Gabriel’s scent. Blood rushing in his veins, to his cock.
And Gabriel’s voice. “Take this.”
Take this, take him, take this.
And Jared snapped, rolling on top of him and crushing their lips
together. Gabriel let out a small startled noise, but he parted his lips, fucking
inviting him in, and Jared completely lost it. He plundered Gabriel’s mouth
with his tongue, memorized the softness, his taste, texture, everything about
his lips and mouth, pouring five years of pent-up longing into the kiss,
wanting in, wanting to ravage, own and fuck. He’d never wanted anyone so
much that he was mindless with it, wanting to get inside of Gabriel and never
come out.
 “Stop me,” he said between the hungry, deep kisses, his cock so hard it
was painful. His hips started moving, his erection rubbing against Gabriel’s
hip. “Stop me.”
“It’s okay,” Gabriel murmured, stroking his back, as though trying to
sooth the shudders of desire rippling through him. “It’s okay…”
No, it wasn’t, dammit.
Jared rolled off him and lay on his back, breathing raggedly. “Go,” he
croaked.
“Can I stay?” Gabriel asked, haltingly.
“It’d be better if you go.”
“Jared—” A touch to his chest.
“Don’t touch me,” Jared growled, flinching away. “If you want to stay,
stay, but stay away from me.”
Silence.
The mattress creaked as Gabriel turned his back to him.
Jared knew his harsh tone had hurt Gabe, but he was far too gone to
control it. He burned with want. Burned for that ridiculous boy who had no
common sense to push him away. It was obvious he couldn’t trust Gabriel to
stop him before he went too far.
It took Jared a long while to get his body under control. When he did,
he strained his ears. Gabriel was too quiet and still. He wasn’t asleep.
Sighing, Jared reached for his t-shirt and put it on. Then he moved
closer to Gabe and pulled him flush against his chest. “I’m sorry,” he said
quietly, pressing his face into Gabriel’s hair. “It’s not your fault.” It’s not
your fault you don’t want me.
Gabriel leaned into his touch, the tension slowly dissipating from his
body. “Good night, Jay.”
“Good night,” Jared said, dropping a kiss on his neck. If his lips
lingered longer than necessary, well, he was only a red-blooded man.
Before long, Gabriel was asleep.
Jared lay awake for hours, holding him.

***

The baby woke her up at the crack of dawn.

The other side of the bed was empty once again and an icy cold feeling
settled in the pit of her stomach.
 When she finished feeding Jules, Claire laid him in his crib and left the
bedroom.
She didn’t have to search for Gabriel long.
Opening the door to Jared’s room, Claire stared at the two entangled
bodies on the bed. Gabriel was sound asleep in Jared’s arms, the top of his
head pressed into the hollow of Jared’s throat. Jared’s hand was on Gabriel’s
lower back and Gabriel had his ankle hooked around Jared’s. They weren’t
naked. It was all very innocent.
And yet, her throat hurt and tears sprang to her eyes. She had been so
wrong. Sex meant very little. Looking at them now, she would have preferred
Gabriel fucking women on the side to seeing this. How could she think she
could ever compete with that?
She closed the door and pressed her forehead against it.
It wasn’t fair.
It wasn’t fucking fair. She wasn’t a gold-digging attention-whore like
some other WAGs. All right—she liked being able to buy anything she
wanted and her relationship with Gabe helped her modeling career, but that
wasn’t the most important thing for her. It truly wasn’t.
It wasn’t fair. How could she compete with that?
Did she even want to?
Was it worth it?
In all honesty, she wasn’t sure. A few weeks ago, she had been so
determined to save their relationship, but was it salvageable? Could she truly
accept that Jared would always mean something more to Gabriel than she and
their son did?
Tears of overwhelming disappointment welled in her eyes, and on its
heels came anger and hatred. For the first time, she felt nothing but pure
hatred for Jared Sheldon.
It wasn’t fair.
 Chapter 16: Bared

By the time Jared dragged himself out of bed and went downstairs, it
was pretty late in the morning, but he didn’t feel particularly rested.
Gabriel was nowhere to be seen. Claire was in the kitchen, having
breakfast. When she saw him, some emotion crossed her face, maybe
resentment, or frustration, or even something close to despair.
“Good morning,” she said neutrally.
“Good morning,” Jared said, just as neutrally.
Silence fell upon the room as they looked at each other, and it was some
time before it was broken.
“Have a seat,” Claire said with a forced smile. “Gabe left a couple of
hours ago for some photo shoot.”
Jared sat down and accepted a cup of coffee from her.
He sipped the coffee in silence and tried to gather his thoughts.
Their eyes met for a brief moment. Both of them averted their gazes
quickly.
“Is the baby asleep?” Jared asked at last, just to say something.
Anything.
“Yeah,” Claire said.
“He seems like a healthy little boy.”
“Yes,” Claire said. “He’s a lot like his dad. He looks a lot like Gabriel,
doesn’t he?”
Jared pasted a smile on his face. “Yes, he does.”
 Another long silence that felt like an eternity followed.
Suddenly, Claire set her cup down and sprang to her feet. “All right, I
can’t do it.” She glared at him. “You know what? I fully intended to be nice
and understanding, but even I have limits. And when the father of my son
spends the entire night with you, I can’t just say nothing and pretend that
everything is fine!” She shook her head. “Don’t you have any shame? I
thought you weren’t like that. He has a family, for God’s sake!”
“I’m not trying to break you two up,” Jared said in a clipped voice. “If I
wanted to, I would have done it ages ago.”
A bitter smile curled her lips. “Oh yeah. Am I supposed to be grateful
that you allowed me to be his girlfriend? It’s nice to finally see your true face
revealed. You know very well how totally dependent he is on you, don’t you?
Gabe might be emotionally stunted and unable to realize how unhealthy his
feelings for you are, but you know it. It’s not love.” She met his eyes. “Admit
it: deep down, you know he doesn’t love you. You know what he feels for
you is just some twisted, sick dependency and misguided sense of gratitude.”
Jared clenched his jaw, trying not to let her words affect him. Gabriel
loved him. He did. Maybe not that way, but he did.
And yet a tiny sliver of doubt crept in.
As though sensing it, she pressed on. “You know it. I can see it in your
eyes. You know he can never love you the way he loves me. You will never
be enough for him. So what is the point? Stop ruining our relationship! He
was sixteen when you two met. He was an impressionable, vulnerable,
paralyzed kid and you took advantage of him—you must have encouraged his
weird fixation on you. And now he wants to make you happy.” She laughed.
“Don’t you see you’re coercing him into something he doesn’t want? You
make me sick. I have nothing against gay people, but why can’t you stay
away from the rest of us and stick to your own kind? There’s nothing more
pathetic than a gay man pining for a straight, taken guy. You’re—” Claire
stopped mid-sentence and paled.
Jared followed her gaze.
Gabriel stood in the doorway, his lips pressed into a thin line and his
eyes dark and grim. How long had he been standing there?
Silence descended upon them.
Gabriel’s footsteps sounded loud in the absolute stillness of the room.
He came to a halt next to Claire and just looked at her for a moment, as
though seeing her for the first time.
 Claire swallowed and smiled shakily. “It’s not—”
“Don’t worry, you won’t have to put up with Jared anymore,” Gabriel
said, his voice rough with barely controlled rage. “We’ll leave by the
evening.”
Jared inhaled sharply.
Claire’s eyes widened. “Gabe—”
Gabriel turned away, his face stony.
“Don’t you dare ignore me, Gabriel DuVal!” Claire snapped, grabbing
his shoulder. “You can’t say stuff like that and then ignore me! Let’s talk like
—”
Pursing his lips, Gabriel turned around. “There is nothing to talk about,”
he said, his tone deceptively calm. “You made your feelings very clear. If
you feel that way, I can’t change it. So I’m leaving.”
“But I was talking to Jared! That had nothing to do with you—”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” Gabriel said. “I don’t want to be with a
woman who doesn’t respect the person who means so much to me. By
offending him, you offend me. By trying to hurt him, you hurt me.”
“You can’t just leave like that. We’re a family. Are you going to leave
your son? Just like your parents left you?”
Paling, Gabriel sucked a breath in. “I won’t let you manipulate me,” he
said hoarsely, his voice shaking a little. Jared wanted to hug him.
“You won’t make me feel guilty,” Gabriel said, firmer this time. “I’ve
never lied to you. I’ve always been honest. I loved you. But I love him more.
You knew it. Do you think I didn’t know that you got pregnant on purpose?”
Claire froze.
“I’ve never said anything,” Gabriel said. “But it doesn’t mean I didn’t
know. Maybe I’m an asshole, but you’re hardly a victim, either.” His voice
cracked. “I almost—I almost lost him because I didn’t want to hurt you. That
was my mistake. It’s not a fairytale. Someone always gets hurt. But I’m done
hurting him.”
“Gabe—”
“I fully intend to be a father to my kid and you won’t ever need
anything,” Gabriel said. “And you can have the house. It’s worth ten million.
You’re young, attractive and now filthy rich. I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
Gabriel’s jaw tightened. He looked Claire in the eye, his expression
softening. “Do you even love me anymore, Claire? Do you look at me and
feel it?”
 Claire opened her mouth and closed it, looking lost.
Nodding, Gabriel smiled crookedly. “Yeah, you’ll be fine.” He turned
on his heels and stormed out of the kitchen, leaving Claire and Jared alone.
Claire crossed her arms over her chest and looked away. “You can be
happy now. You won.”
“He’s not a prize,” Jared said. “I never wanted to ‘win’ him.”
She laughed. “You’re right. There was no competition between us, not
really. I was stupid to think I could win.”
Jared eyed her for a long moment before leaving the room. There was
nothing to say.
He found Gabriel in Jules’s room. Gabriel stood over the crib, watching
the sleeping baby, his back unnaturally straight.
Jared took a place next to him and looked at the baby, too. Jules really
resembled Gabriel a lot.
“He’s so tiny,” Gabriel said. “I’ve been so afraid to hold him, you know
—I thought I’d hurt him—and now…”
A few seconds passed.
“She’s wrong,” Gabriel said suddenly. “You know that, right?”
Jared swallowed, eyeing the blond fluff of hair on the baby’s head.
“She’s tired, frustrated and protective of her family,” he said, instead of
answering. “It’s only natural that she lashed out.” He brushed his hand
against Gabriel’s. “Don’t do anything rash that you might regret later.”
“I should have seen sooner that it could never work. That’s the only
thing I regret. To be honest, it’s been coming for a while—all the bitterness,
frustration and disappointment—but I guess I just turned a blind eye. I didn’t
want to admit it wasn’t working. I didn’t want to choose—didn’t want to hurt
her—because…” Gabriel’s voice dropped. “Because deep down, I knew I
wouldn’t have chosen anyone over you.”
Jared bit the inside of his cheek. “I’m sorry.”
Gabriel slid his hand into Jared’s and squeezed. “You shouldn’t feel
guilty. It’s not your fault. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine. I was naive, and
stupid, and—”
“Quit blaming yourself. Hindsight is twenty-twenty.” Jared turned his
head and met Gabriel’s eyes. “But I’m not going to say it isn’t your fault at
all. You’ve always been too stubborn for your own good.”
Gabriel smiled faintly and nodded. He opened his mouth but seemed to
hesitate.
 “What?” Jared said, his thumb brushing Gabriel’s wrist.
“Yesterday I asked Stephanie to look for a place for you in the area and
she got back to me this morning. There are a few good options not far from
the training center. But it looks like I’m in need of a new place too. What
if…” Gabriel looked away for a moment, rubbing the back of his neck.
“What do you think of sharing? It’ll be easier and more convenient.” A look
of embarrassment crossed Gabriel’s face. “Too much? If I’m being too
clingy, just tell me to fuck off.”
Jared’s mouth went dry. To see Gabriel every day, to live with him—
He told himself to get a grip. He failed. “You’re right. Looking for one
house would be much easier.”
Gabriel beamed, his smile so radiant it took Jared’s breath away and
sent his heart into his throat. God, he was hopeless.
 Chapter 17: Wanted

Gabriel was already smiling as he parked his car in front of the

picturesque little house he and Jared had bought together three weeks ago. It
was a lot smaller than his old one—the one he had given Claire and Jules—
but it felt more like home. Gabriel couldn’t even explain why he loved this
house so much more than his old house. He suspected it might be because he
and Jared had bought it together—for them. The thought warmed him up so
much that he didn’t even feel the cold February wind.
Fuck, sometimes he felt so guilty for being happy away from his son
and Claire. A part of him missed them, but living with Jared was everything
he hadn’t known he wanted. There was something about sharing a home with
Jared that felt achingly good and perfect. Even thinking about Jared waiting
for him at home improved his mood tremendously. Jared usually got home
later than him, but this time the coach had made the team train longer.
Gabriel unlocked the door and entered the house. He slipped out of his
jacket and kicked his boots off before entering the living room.
Jared was stretched out on the couch, a pair of thin-rimmed glasses
perched on his nose as he read something on his tablet, a small furrow
between his dark brows. He was wearing a thick, comfy-looking blue sweater
and gray sweatpants. Gabriel wanted to climb on him.
So he did. Gabriel ran and jumped onto him.
Jared didn’t look impressed. “Fucking hell—you nearly broke my ribs.”
“Oh, shut up. I weigh nothing!” Gabriel buried his face in Jared’s
sweater and sighed happily. It really was as soft and as amazing as he’d
expected.
Jared snorted. “Yes, one hundred and sixty pounds of nothing.”
“One hundred and sixty pounds of awesomeness.”
Although he couldn’t see Jared, he knew Jared was rolling his eyes.
“I was working,” Jared said pointedly.
“You’re home and tomorrow is your day off.”
“You know we’re understaffed because of the injury crisis.”
Gabriel made a face. It was an understatement. The club had never had
so many injured players at the same time.
“Gabe, I was working,” Jared said again.
“Yeah, but now I’m here.”
Jared laughed, his strong fingers stroking Gabriel’s nape. “You’re
impossible.”
Gabriel’s toes curled at the undisguised affection and love in Jared’s
voice. “I’m serious,” he murmured and lifted his head to look at Jared. “I
barely see you at the medical center. You’re always busy. And the impostor
doesn’t like when I hang out there.”
“Don’t call her that,” Jared scolded him gently, taking his glasses off.
“Dr. Boyle is an excellent doctor.” Jared grimaced slightly. “It’s bad enough
with the staff. All the medical staff knows she will leave at the end of the
season and I’ll go back to being their boss.”
“Ah,” Gabriel said, folding his arms on Jared’s chest and resting his
chin on them. “It’s pretty weird for everyone, huh?”
“That too,” Jared said, running his fingers through Gabriel’s hair. “But
mostly I don’t want to undermine her authority.”
“They look up to you more.”
Jared nodded.
“Well, they should,” Gabriel said. “We never had so many injuries
when you were the senior club doctor. Seriously, we’re becoming worse than
Arsenal! Half of the team is out injured. She must have been doing something
wrong. You’re a better doctor, and smarter and—”
“Don’t you think you might be a little bit biased?” Jared said, a look of
amusement on his face.
“I think I would know better than anyone how good you are,” Gabriel
said softly.
“That’s exactly why you’re too biased to judge Dr. Boyle’s professional
skills: you would think I’m the better doctor in any case.”
“You’re better,” Gabriel said stubbornly. “A better doctor, and a better
person. You’re as close to perfect as it gets. People like you shouldn’t exist.
You’re a genuinely nice person—how can you be so nice? And you’re—I
mean, look at you.” He chuckled, sweeping his gaze over Jared’s strong,
perfectly symmetrical features, cobalt blue eyes and thick dark hair. Gabe
was far from being an expert on male handsomeness, but he wasn’t blind.
“You’re ridiculously good-looking. People turn their heads when you walk
down the street.”
Jared rolled his eyes. “They don’t.”
“They do,” Gabriel said with a scoff. “It’s so annoying.”
“Your point being?”
Gabriel wet his lips and asked the question that had been bothering him
a while, “What do you see in me?”
Jared furrowed his eyebrows.
“I mean…” Gabriel licked his lips again. “Looks-wise, I’m nothing
special. I’m not ugly or anything, but I’m pale and weird-looking.” He
grimaced. “Claire used to say I’m ‘cute,’ but that’s not exactly a ringing
endorsement. And it can’t be my personality. I’m not nice or anything.”
Jared just looked at him for a long moment before brushing Gabriel’s
cheek with his thumb. “Who told you only nice and conventionally beautiful
people deserve to be loved?”
It probably should have made Gabriel feel better, but instead, some ugly
emotion twisted his stomach. Looking down at Jared’s chest, Gabriel
frowned. He wasn’t sure why it mattered to him at all. “So you don’t really
think I’m attractive. You love me despite my being plain and weird-looking.”
Jared gave him a pinched look. “First of all, you’re not plain and weird-
looking. Your facial features are interesting and very attractive. Second, I
can’t believe we’re having this conversation. Do you want me to objectify
you?”
Gabriel scowled. “No.”
“You’re adorable,” Jared said with a smile.
Gabriel’s scowl deepened. “See, I’m right. I’m ‘adorable’ to you. I’ve
seen you check out other guys— even that prick Tristan—but you never do it
with me.”
Jared looked up, as though asking for patience, and exhaled. “I know
your body better than my own. I don’t need to ogle you to imagine doing all
kinds of filthy things to you. And looking at you too much isn’t good for my
self-control. Happy now? Did I stroke your ego enough? What is this all
about, Gabe?” He sounded a little pissed off now.
Gabriel smiled, lifted himself up and pressed his lips to Jared’s.
Jared stiffened under him. It didn’t surprise Gabriel. Every time he did
this, Jared tried to stop him, saying that he didn’t want anything given out of
pity, blah blah blah, but Jared could never push him away.
Same thing happened this time, too. Jared’s body was rigid for a few
seconds before he grabbed Gabriel’s face and thrust his tongue inside his
mouth. The kiss was angry and hard and achingly hungry. Gabriel closed his
eyes and tried to relax. Jared’s kisses weren’t as weird to him as they had
been at the beginning, but they were still a little overwhelming and
disorienting. Not in a bad way, just…they confused him lately. It felt good.
More than good. He loved feeling Jared’s firm lips on his and Jared’s tongue
inside of him; he didn’t even mind the stubble that scratched his cheek. His
body’s reaction was the confusing part. He’d always been extremely attuned
to Jared, so the intensity of Jared’s need made him feel needy and vaguely
unsatisfied too, uncomfortable and hovering on the brink of arousal. That
confused the hell out of him, because he couldn’t want Jared that way—he
was straight—but when Jared kissed him, his body almost wanted something.
Something more. It was fucking confusing.
A small noise left his lips when Jared suddenly shoved him off and
scrambled out from under him. He stood up, his hands clenched into fists.
Gabriel wiped his lips and eyed his stiff back warily. “Jay?”
“I told you to stop doing this,” Jared said, his voice clipped and rough.
“You don’t have to do it to keep me around. It’s getting late. Good night.”
And he stalked out of the room, tension visible in his shoulders. Tension and
anger and something else. Gabriel suspected it had something to do with what
Claire had told Jared, but no matter what he said, he couldn’t entirely
convince Jared that Claire was wrong. And she was wrong.
Goddammit.
Gabriel thought for a while, not knowing what to do.
He stood up. Maybe he should apologize.
When he reached Jared’s room, he pushed the door open.
He stopped dead in his tracks.
Jared was lying in bed and he was…
Gabriel’s face turned hot. He wanted to leave, but for some reason, he
couldn’t. He just couldn’t move. He stared, transfixed, at the thick, long cock
wrapped in Jared’s large hand. Jared was stroking it hard.
He must have made some noise, because suddenly Jared stopped.
Gabriel lifted his gaze from Jared’s erection to his face.
Jared was looking at him, his jaw tight with anger and frustration.
Their eyes met and Gabriel blushed even harder. Now it was definitely
time to leave.
But he still didn’t move.
A twisted, slightly pained smile appeared on Jared’s face. “Close the
door, Gabe. From the other side.”
Gabriel closed the door. Slowly, he walked away, a funny feeling in his
stomach.
By the time he got into his bed, he still felt weird and thrown off-
balance. He hugged his pillow and closed his eyes, but the restlessness did
not subside. His hand slid down to cup his half-hard cock. He hesitated, but
jerking off was as good idea as any to get rid of his restlessness.
It didn’t take long to become fully hard; it’d been weeks since he’d had
sex. He stroked himself, imagining Claire’s curves and wet tightness. He
wasn’t sure what it said about him that he missed sex more than he missed his
girlfriend. An unbidden memory came to mind: of the club therapist, Dr.
Bisset, hinting that Jared fulfilled all his emotional needs and that was the
reason of his inability to fully commit to Claire.
Jared.
The image of Jared angrily pumping his cock flashed through his mind,
and Gabe bit his pillow to muffle his moan as a confusing sort of thrill shot
through his body. God, this was so messed up. How could he get off on the
idea of Jared’s wanting him when he didn’t even swing that way? It made no
sense. He didn’t want Jared and he couldn’t imagine having sex with a man,
but…his cock ached as he remembered Jared’s erection squeezed in Jared’s
fingers—because of him—for him. Jared wanted him. Jared wanted him more
than anything, loved him more than anything, and loved and wanted…Jared’s
arms, holding him, squeezing him hard…so good and safe…Jared’s voice,
whispering sweet nothings to him…a strong, large hand stroking Gabe’s cock
—
The orgasm hit him so suddenly and powerfully it was almost painful.
Gabe groaned into the pillow, shaking and gasping.
He lay still, panting, disoriented and freaked out.
What the fuck was that?
 Chapter 18: Blurred

By the time Jared left his room and made his way to the kitchen next
morning, Gabriel was already there, making breakfast for them.
“Good morning,” Jared said.
“Morning,” Gabriel muttered without turning around. It was a day off
for both of them—the next Premier League match was a few days away—but
Gabriel seemed to be in a hurry, completely engrossed in making omelets for
them.
Or pretending to be engrossed.
Jared sat at the table and eyed Gabriel’s back. He’d thought he was the
one who was supposed to feel awkward, not Gabriel.
“Breakfast!” Gabriel announced, a little too loudly, putting Jared’s plate
in front of him before sitting down as well.
Okay.
They ate in silence. Gabriel kept his eyes on his plate. Either Gabriel’s
face was flushed from the stove heat or he was blushing.
At last, Jared put his fork down. “All right—”
The doorbell rang.
“It must be Claire,” Gabriel said, relief plain in his voice. The chair fell
over as he jumped to his feet.
“Claire?”
“You forgot? She’s bringing Jules today.” Gabriel righted the chair
before running out of the kitchen.
 He had really forgotten. Gabriel was supposed to have his son over
every two weeks: that was the agreement he and Claire had reached.
Jared remained seated. He wasn’t really eager to see Claire, to put it
lightly.
You know he can never love you the way he loves me. You will never be
enough for him. Don’t you see you’re coercing him into something he doesn’t
want?
Jared gripped his mug and gulped his coffee down. It was hot and
burned his throat, but he could barely feel it.
There’s nothing more pathetic than a gay man pining for a straight,
taken guy.
The baby’s loud wailing made him flinch.
“Jared!” Gabriel ran into the kitchen, carrying the crying baby in his
arms. He looked on the verge of panic.
“What’s wrong?”
“He’s crying!”
Jared laughed. “He’s a baby. Babies cry.”
“He doesn’t like me!” Gabriel said over the baby’s wailing. “I’m sure
he doesn’t even recognize me. He doesn’t know I’m his dad.”
“He definitely has your lungs,” Jared said dryly.
Gabriel glared, but his lips twitched up. Then he glanced back at the
baby. “How do we make him stop crying?”
“Do I look like I’m a baby expert?” But Jared stood and walked closer.
“You’re a doctor.”
“Of adults.”
“Still. You know everything.”
“I’m really flattered you think so, but…” Jared frowned, eyeing the red-
faced baby. “I think you’re holding him wrong. You’re squeezing him too
hard. Loosen your grip—”
“Then you take him.” Gabriel shoved the baby into Jared’s arms.
“Careful,” Jared said, pulling the child closer to his chest. “He’s not a
football.” He looked down at the baby. “Right, Jules? Tell your dad you
aren’t a ball.”
The baby blinked and stopped crying. Jared had to admit he was rather
adorable when he wasn’t crying—he really looked a lot like Gabe.
“Hey there,” Jared murmured, touching the tiny hand. The baby grasped
the finger and studied the man attached to it. Jared smiled.
 The sudden silence made Jared look up.
Gabriel was staring at them with an odd expression on his face.
“What?” Jared said.
Gabriel fished his phone out of his pocket and took a picture.
“Nothing,” he said, looking at the picture.

***

That night, after Jared had slipped into his bed, Gabriel came to his
room. He stood in the doorway in an oversized white t-shirt and said, “Can I
come in?”
Jared frowned. This day was getting more and more bizarre. Since
when did Gabe ask for his permission to come into his room?
“Sure,” he said, wishing he could see Gabriel’s face.
Gabriel climbed into the bed but didn’t snuggle up to him, as he
normally would.
A pang of worry went through Jared. What the fuck was going on?
“Tired?” Gabriel murmured.
“A little,” Jared said. Claire had come for Jules only an hour ago.
“Me, too.” Gabriel yawned. “Babies are a lot more exhausting than I
thought.”
“Why are you tired?” Jared said with a smile. “I did all the work.”
Gabriel slapped him on the chest. “I helped. It’s not my fault he liked
you better.”
“Maybe because I held him like a baby, not a ball.”
“Hey, there was nothing wrong about my holding him. He just liked
you better.” Gabriel added quietly, “You liked him, too.”
“I did,” Jared said, once again wishing he could see Gabriel’s face. His
voice sounded a little weird. Hell, Gabe had been acting weird all day. The
baby’s presence had seemed to dissolve some of the awkwardness, but it
never disappeared completely. Jared hadn’t pushed him, figuring Gabriel
would just need a few hours to get over the awkwardness caused by
yesterday’s incident. Except he clearly hadn’t gotten over it. Gabriel had been
strange around his son, too: Sometimes he looked ridiculously happy when
he stared at Jared and Jules, and sometimes it almost seemed as though he
disliked Jules.
“What’s the problem?” Jared asked.
“It’s silly,” Gabriel said with an embarrassed sort of laugh. “You’ll
think it’s silly.”
“I promise I won’t,” Jared said.
When he started thinking Gabriel wasn’t going to tell him after all,
Gabriel finally spoke. “I liked watching you with Jules. He’s mine and you’re
mine, so it was—it was perfect. It’s just…You’ve barely looked at me all
day.”
Despite his promise, Jared nearly laughed: Gabriel couldn’t seriously be
jealous of an infant—that was too ridiculous even for Gabe. But the naked
honesty in Gabriel’s voice gave Jared pause. Gabriel had always been
possessive of him, but it had never been that bad. Never.
Moving closer to him, Jared ran his fingers through Gabriel’s hair and
brushed his knuckles against his ear. “I’m not leaving again, baby.”
Making a soft noise, Gabriel leaned into the touch and turned his head,
nuzzling into Jared’s fingers. Goosebumps ran up Jared’s arm, his cock
straining against his boxer-briefs. Having Gabriel in his bed was always a
turn on, but such a needy, downright submissive behavior made him instantly
hard. His body was interpreting Gabriel’s neediness the wrong way, and he
wanted. He wanted to shove Gabriel under him and rut against him—into him
—until they both were sore and exhausted.
Trying to distract himself, Jared said, “I didn’t look at you much
because I didn’t want to make it even more awkward for you.”
Gabriel stopped nuzzling his fingers and stiffened.
“So are we going to talk about it?” Jared said.
Gabriel actually moved away from him, which was perplexing in itself.
Jared couldn’t remember the last time Gabriel had been the one to pull away.
“About what?” Gabriel said.
“You know what.”
“Nope, I don’t.”
“Gabe.”
Gabriel mumbled, “There’s nothing to talk about. So I walked in on
you; big deal. I’m not—I’m not freaking out or anything.”
 “Is that why you’ve been blushing every time you looked at me?”
“I wasn’t blushing.”
“You were.”
“I wasn’t.”
“Gavriil.”
Gabriel heaved a sigh. “Fine, maybe I was. It was just kinda weird. I
mean, I looked at you and remembered seeing your…”
“Dick.”
“Yeah,” Gabriel said. “I mean, when you see someone doing that…it
changes the way you see them, right? It’s kinda intimate. It would freak
anyone out. So yeah.”
Jared didn’t understand why Gabriel sounded so defensive and
awkward. Gabriel was hardly a prude. Walking in on someone jerking off
shouldn’t have been such a big deal; all guys jerked off.
Unless…unless seeing him aroused had finally made it real for Gabriel.
Too real.
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to molest you or something,” Jared said
flatly, acutely aware of the distance between them. Now Gabriel’s strange
behavior suddenly made much more sense. “I’ve wanted you for years and
managed not to jump you.”
“Don’t be silly—I don’t think you’ll molest me.”
Jared’s brows furrowed. He peered into the darkness. “Then what is this
all about? Why are you freaking out on me?”
“Never mind. It’s nothing.”
“It’s obviously not nothing.”
“Look, just leave it, okay? Something happened and it freaked me out. I
don’t really understand it either, so I don’t wanna talk about it—yet. When I
figure it out, I’ll tell you. I promise.”
“All right.” Jared lifted himself on an elbow and reached out. He found
that Gabriel was lying on his stomach a foot away. Gabriel’s muscles
stiffened when Jared touched his back.
Jared pressed a kiss to his nape, inhaling Gabriel’s scent. “Just
remember that you can always talk to me.”
“I know,” Gabriel whispered. Was it Jared’s imagination or was he
really shivering?
Frowning, Jared pulled back and lay down again.
“I’ll sleep here tonight,” Gabriel said.
 “Thanks for informing me,” Jared said dryly, but truth be told, he was
relieved. No matter what was bothering Gabriel, it wasn’t bad enough to
make him avoid Jared.
“You’re welcome,” Gabriel said, yawning.
Before long, his breathing evened out. Jared smiled. Gabe kept
complaining about insomnia, but he always fell asleep easily whenever they
shared a bed.
Muttering something in his sleep, Gabriel suddenly rolled over and
sprawled half on top of him, doing his best octopus impression. His parted
lips touched Jared’s nipple.
Fucking hell.
Jared tried to fall asleep, but it was an exercise in futility: he couldn’t
relax.
He breathed deeply, trying to will his erection away. It didn’t work. It
couldn’t work when Gabriel was all over him and Jared’s throbbing cock was
pressed snugly against Gabriel’s stomach. Jared swore quietly through his
teeth, the need wrapping around him like a coiled rope and frustration
building in him with every passing minute as Gabriel’s proximity and scent
drove him crazy. His fingers literally trembled with the urge to touch
Gabriel’s smooth skin and slide under his boxer-briefs to knead his pert ass,
and he couldn’t keep his imagination from running rampant. He imagined
spreading Gabe’s cheeks open and burying his face against them, delving
deep with his tongue until Gabe was trembling and his little hole was loose
enough for Jared’s cock.
Gabriel mumbled something sleepily, his lips brushing his hard nipple
again. Jared hissed. It was going to be a long night.
 Chapter 19: Injured

The next morning was as strange as the previous day.

Gabriel was quiet and distracted by something, and every time their
eyes met, he got visibly flustered for some reason.
As they drove in silence toward the training center, Jared briefly
considered pressing the issue, but the headache pounding at his temples made
it hard to focus. The lack of sleep last night was making itself known.
“Are you okay?” Gabriel said when they arrived and Jared parked the
car.
“Yeah,” Jared said, rubbing his forehead. “Just a bit of a headache. You
must go, or you will be late for the training session.”
Gabriel leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, just an inch away
from his lips. “Feel better,” he said softly and kissed him on the mouth before
freezing, his green eyes wide and bewildered.
Flushing, he scrambled out of the car and jogged toward the training
facility.
Jared touched his lips, watching Gabriel disappear into the building.

***
 The rest of the morning was busy for Jared. They were still
understaffed, and there didn’t seem to be an end to injuries. He didn’t want to
criticize Anne Boyle, but it was becoming increasingly obvious the injury
prevention work had been poor while he’d been away.
Heaving a sigh, Jared rubbed at his temples when the door finally
closed after yet another injured player.
“Headache, Dr. Sheldon?” a soft voice said.
Jared looked up. He’d completely forgotten about the intern’s presence
in the room. Dark-brown eyes were looking at him sympathetically.
“Just a headache, Eric,” he replied.
Smiling, Eric walked over. “Let me help. I’ve been told I give great
massages.”
“Go ahead,” Jared said, figuring it wouldn’t hurt. The guy was a soon-
to-be physiotherapist, after all.
He closed his eyes as Eric’s fingers started touching his face: first
applying pressure on his eyebrows, then stroking his scalp gently before
starting to massage under the back of his skull. Jared made an appreciative
noise as his headache receded a little.
“Better?” Eric murmured into his ear, closer than Jared had expected.
“What are you doing?”
Jared’s eyelids flew open.
Gabriel was standing in the doorway, looking at them.
“Dr. Sheldon asked me to give him a massage,” Eric replied. “For his
headache.”
“You can go,” Gabriel said. “I’ll handle it.”
“But—”
“Get out,” Gabriel said pleasantly.
When Eric didn’t move, Gabriel fixed him with a hard look. “Do you
have a problem with your hearing?”
“Eric, you may go,” Jared said slowly, eyeing Gabriel.
But before Eric could leave, the phone went off and Eric answered.
“You’re requested by Dr. Boyle immediately, Dr. Sheldon,” he said
when he hung up. “Another player is injured.”
Suppressing a sigh, Jared got to his feet and strode out of the room.
“Who is it now?”
“Tristan,” Gabriel replied before Eric could, falling into step with him
as they made their way to Dr. Boyle’s office—Jared’s old office.
 “What happened?” Jared asked.
“Got injured during the training session,” Gabriel said, his arm brushing
Jared’s. “Looks like a groin injury. A nasty one.”
Jared shook his head. “Didn’t he have a groin strain a few months ago
while I wasn’t here?”
“Yep, he did,” Gabriel said, touching his wrist. “Twice, actually.”
Jared grimaced. Groin injuries could be very tricky and linger if not
treated correctly, and getting a third groin injury in the span of half a year
wasn’t a good sign at all.
Reaching his old office, he pushed the door open and entered, Gabriel
and Eric behind him. Jared looked back at Gabriel. “What are you doing
here?”
Gabriel glanced at Eric. “I’m the injured guy’s brother,” he said, lifting
his chin.
Jared narrowed his eyes but said nothing. It was neither the time nor the
place. Instead, he strode toward the adjoined examination room.
Tristan DuVal was lying on the examination table, and Dr. Boyle stood
next to him, her arms folded over her chest.
“What’s the problem, Anne?” Jared said.
Dr. Boyle turned to him, chewing on her lips. “Tristan wants an
accelerated rehabilitation program. I don’t think it’s wise. He has a grade
three groin injury, not to mention that it’s a re-injury, which complicates
things. It will be very hard to—”
“You’re an excellent doctor, Dr. Boyle,” Tristan said. “I trust in your
abilities. I’m sure if anyone is capable of doing that, it’s you.”
Behind him, Gabriel snorted and said, only for Jared’s ears, “Can’t
believe people actually buy that.”
“Well,” Boyle said, her expression softening. “I might be able to, but
—”
Tristan gave her a breathtaking smile. “Great! I knew you could do it.
You know how important it is for me to be in form by the time the NT coach
chooses the squad for the World Cup. I need to be cleared by April to recover
form and impress him—”
“No one is getting cleared yet,” Jared cut in, walking closer to the table
and examining Tristan’s exposed leg. Ice had been applied, but the swelling
on the inner thigh was still very noticeable. “Partial or complete rupture?” he
murmured.
 “Partial,” Boyle replied. “Partial but almost full. He’s yours.” She
handed him Tristan’s medical file and left as he flipped through it.
At last, Jared looked up and met Tristan’s eyes. “You know what will
happen if you return too soon? You might be able to play through discomfort,
but it’s more likely you’ll re-injury your groin again and won’t be able to
participate in the World Cup at all.”
“But—”
“Tristan,” Jared cut him off, not unkindly. “I don’t think you understand
the seriousness of the situation. Returning to training too soon is a common
mistake that you already made. You had a grade one strain five months ago.
It was just a slight tearing of muscle fibers. It was a little painful, and the
muscle had near normal strength. By your own insistence, you were back on
the pitch in ten days—much earlier than you should have been. Then you got
another groin injury, that time more serious, but you were back in training
less than three weeks later. And now you’ve torn it almost completely. You
won’t be back on the pitch in a month. That’s out of the question.”
“You aren’t the senior club doctor,” Tristan said nicely. “Dr. Boyle is.”
Jared gave him a flat look. “Dr. Boyle will leave the club in a few
months’ time and I’ll be the one sorting out this mess. Do you really want to
risk your career? Do I need to remind you how many footballers lost their
fitness and speed forever due to poorly treated injuries? It’s not your first
groin injury or even second. It’s a third consecutive groin injury. That doesn’t
look good. You need a proper, slow rehabilitation program. We can’t rush it
again. Forget about the World Cup and think about your career.”
Tristan’s lips thinned. “Fine. But I still want to return to the pitch by the
end of April at the very latest.”
Jared pinched the bridge of his nose, his headache making itself known
once again. “We’ll see how it goes. The other problem is, we’re short on
physios. We’ll have to hire a physio for you.”
“I want only the very best,” Tristan said, looking at Jared. “You.”
Gabriel put a hand on Jared’s neck. “Jared is a doctor, not a physio.”
Jared almost laughed at that. What a little hypocrite.
“I want the best,” Tristan said again.
“As the senior doctor of the rehabilitation center, I’ll obviously
supervise your recovery, but I can’t be your physiotherapist. I don’t have the
time—you’ll need someone who will work closely with you.”
“Just find me the best physio, then,” Tristan said.
 “I know the best physio in England.” Jared frowned, studying Tristan.
“But I’m not sure it’s a good idea. You wouldn’t like his methods. He’s not
patient with his clients.”
Tristan looked decidedly unimpressed. “I can handle anyone. I just want
the best.”
“All right, but don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.” Jared turned to the
intern. “For now, apply ice every hour for fifteen minutes, Eric. He must
wear a compression support all the time to limit bleeding and swelling. No
stretching and no exercise. Rest only and put his feet up.”
“Sure, Dr. Sheldon,” Eric said, smiling at him. He stepped closer to
Jared, looking at him from under his long dark eyelashes. “How is your
headache? Do you want me to bring you—”
Gabriel stepped between them. “You were told what to do,” he bit off.
“Are you dense?”
Jared stared at the back of Gabriel’s head. Eric was blinking rapidly.
Tristan was the one who broke the silence, his amused eyes fixed on his
brother. “You know, you’d better put a sack on his head if you don’t want
people to look at Jared.”
The intern looked between them, puzzled. “What?”
“It’s not your fault,” Tristan told him. “It’s Eric, right?” When the
intern nodded, Tristan smiled at him. “There are a few unwritten rules here,
Eric. No one talks about them, but everyone knows them.” He pointed at
Jared and winked at the intern. “Dr. Sheldon is very hot, huh?”
Eric flushed, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.
Jared shook his head. “Tristan—”
But Tristan continued, “Now see the other guy? The one who looks like
he wants to piss all over Jared?”
Gabriel spluttered, the tips of his ears turning bright red.
“Tristan, that’s enough,” Jared said, his voice hard.
Tristan put on an innocent face, widening his eyes. “My bad, I forgot
we were all supposed to ignore the elephant in the room.”
“You—” Gabriel started, taking a step to the table, but Jared caught
Gabriel’s fist and pulled him back against his chest.
“Enough, both of you.” He glanced at the intern. “Ice and compression,
Eric. Keep his leg elevated and don’t let him move until I’m back.”
He steered Gabriel out of the office.
Looking around, he pushed Gabriel into the nearest room and closed the
door. “All right, what the hell was that?”
Gabriel bit his bottom lip and dropped his gaze. “What?”
“The little hissy fit you threw when the intern flirted with me?”
“I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did.” Jared shook his head. “Be careful. If you keep this up,
people will get the wrong idea.”
“The wrong idea?” Gabriel repeated.
Jared gave him a hard look. “After my relationship with Oscar,
everyone knows I’m gay. People will start talking if you keep behaving like a
jealous boyfriend every time someone flirts with me.”
“Oh.” A crease formed between Gabriel’s brows.
“Yes,” Jared said, his lips twisting. “Football stars of your caliber can’t
be gay. You know that. Besides, your behavior was—is— unacceptable. I’m
not your goddamn property. And I’m not your boyfriend.” He took Gabriel’s
chin and looked him in the eye. “I know we aren’t good at drawing the line,
but I think we need to, because it’s fucking with my head. You’re the one
who told me I would have to get sex elsewhere. You don’t care who I fuck as
long as I love you.” He tried not to sound too bitter. “So you shouldn’t care if
someone flirts with me or even if I flirt back.”
Gabriel’s face was tense. “So you really want him.”
“Who?”
“The intern. Eric.”
“I don’t, but that’s not the point.”
“Then what is the point?”
“The point is it doesn’t matter whether I want Eric or not. You aren’t
my boyfriend. I’m not yours. If I decide to invite an entire football team into
my bed and have a big orgy, you have no say in that whatsoever.”
Gabriel stared at him, his chest heaving and his green eyes filled with
rage.
“Do you get it now?” Jared said.
“No.” Gabriel yanked Jared’s head down, his mouth slanting across his,
wet and hot. It was a clumsy, painfully awkward kiss, Gabriel’s lips clinging
to his—there was no other word for it.
Heat surged in Jared’s stomach as Gabriel’s tongue slid into his mouth,
but he wrenched away, breathing hard and glaring at Gabriel. “What the
fuck?”
Gabriel was blushing, his lips still wet and shiny. He looked bewildered
and completely thrown off-balance. He actually looked more startled by the
kiss than Jared was.
“You don’t even know, do you?” Jared closed his eyes for a moment.
“All right, that’s it. We need to draw the line. This is becoming too confusing
for both of us.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, it is,” Jared said, wiping his lips. “You never got all Neanderthal
on me when someone flirted with me. You never liked sharing my attention,
but it was never this bad. This is new. You’re confused.”
Gabriel’s lips pursed. “Maybe, but—”
“No buts.” Jared heaved a sigh, raking his hand through his hair. “I
don’t know what’s going on with you, but that needs to stop. You’re crossing
the line. You’re messing with my emotions, blowing hot and cold. It can’t go
on like that. It’s one hell of a mindfuck, Gabe.”
“Jay—”
“No,” Jared bit out, stepping away, and strode toward the door.
“Jared!”
“I have to work,” Jared said, shrugging Gabriel’s hand off.
He needed to think.
And he needed to make some unpleasant decisions.
 Chapter 20: Torn

Gabriel’s hands were a bit unsteady as he prepared a late dinner. Jared

hadn’t returned from work yet, the medical staff working overtime, but it was
getting late. Surely Jared would return soon?
Gabriel cut his finger and dropped the knife, hissing. Dammit.
He leaned against the table and forced himself to take a few deep
breaths. It didn’t help. The feeling of dread didn’t disappear.
He was scared.
He didn’t like the look in Jared’s eyes when Jared had walked away
from him. Jared had looked like a man who was resolved to do something
very unpleasant but necessary. Had he pushed Jared too far?
By the time dinner was ready, Gabriel was nearly sick with worry.
Why wasn’t Jared back yet?
Finally, there was the sound of a car in the distance, approaching the
house, and Gabriel’s heart started thumping so hard he could feel it
throughout his entire body.
He wiped his hands, ignoring his stinging finger, glanced at the table for
the last time, making sure he didn’t forget anything, and waited for Jared to
come find him.
But Jared didn’t. The front door opened and closed, and there was the
sound of footsteps heading upstairs.
And then nothing.
Ten minutes passed.
 His anxiety increasing, Gabriel left the kitchen and headed upstairs, too.
He found Jared in his bedroom, fresh out of the shower and changing.
“I’m going out,” Jared said, slipping into a dark shirt.
“But…but what about dinner?”
“I’m not hungry,” Jared said, zipping up his jeans. He grabbed his
jacket and strode to the door past Gabriel.
“Jay,” Gabriel said, grabbing his arm.
Jared finally looked at him. “Look, this is fucking with my mind,” he
said. “This—our relationship—has become a total mindfuck. It’s too much
and not enough.” A muscle pulsed in Jared’s jaw. “I want things from you
that you can never give me, and, to be totally honest, I don’t trust myself not
to pressure you into something you don’t want. We need some boundaries. I
never thought I’d say this, but it was easier for me when I pretended to be a
friend and nothing more.”
Gabriel swallowed. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to like this. “What
do you mean?”
Jared’s lips pressed into a thin line. “No more kissing and excessive
touching. I’m going out and I’m going to get laid.” Gently, he withdrew his
arm from Gabriel’s loosened grip and walked out of the room, leaving
Gabriel frozen in his place.
When the door slammed shut downstairs, Gabriel’s knees gave out. He
sat heavily on Jared’s bed and stared blankly into nothing.
Okay. He needed to think rationally. Everything was fine. This was
what they had agreed on, wasn’t it? This was what he’d suggested himself
back in the States: that although he would try to make Jared happy, Jared
would have to get sex elsewhere. That was what he had wanted—that was
what he still wanted. He didn’t care who Jared fucked. It was none of his
business. One-night stands that couldn’t steal Jared from him weren’t a
threat; he didn’t give a shit about them.
Except his stomach felt like a hard ball of iron, clawing at his insides
and trying to climb up his throat.
Gabriel pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around
them. He took a deep breath, trying to fight the sickening feeling brewing in
the pit of his stomach. His chest hurt and he didn’t understand why. What
was wrong with him? He’d never cared much about Jared’s one-night stands.
Jared loved him; that was the only thing that mattered. Wasn’t it?
His gaze fell on Jared’s shirt lying next to him on the bed.
 Gabriel picked it up and stared at it for a long moment before bringing
it to his nose. It smelled of hospital and Jared. He inhaled greedily again, a
part of him cringing. If Jared knew…It was bad enough already that he had
barely been able to look Jared in the eye after the other night—the night he
did his best not to think about. Even thinking about it now brought a blush to
his cheeks. It had probably been a fluke. He had just been horny that day.
Maybe walking in on Jared just confused him too much. Maybe.
But it didn’t matter now, did it? Jared wanted them to go back to being
just friends. And he was probably right. It was easier that way. Far less
confusing. Less intimate and intense. This—their relationship—was in no
way healthy or normal. They were stuck in the no-man’s-land between
friends and lovers, platonic and romantic. Something had to give. It was only
logical that Jared wanted sex. He couldn’t expect Jared to be a monk for the
rest of his life. Gabe wasn’t that selfish. He couldn’t be that selfish.
He could do it.
He could.
It was for the best. No more kissing and excessive touching. Just
friends. Jared would fuck someone, come home, and then everything would
be all right and uncomplicated.
A lump lodged into his throat, refusing to move. It felt like something
was gnawing at him from the inside, trying to claw its way out. His heart.
 Chapter 21: Fooled

Jared sat at the bar, nursing a beer and trying to ignore the sappy love
song playing on the jukebox. He could feel more than a few interested looks
on him, but couldn’t bring himself to do what he’d come here for: pick
someone up, get laid, and get rid of all the remaining delusions. Because
apparently he still had some, even after all these years. It was pretty damn
pathetic.
Someone took the stool beside him. “Long day?” a male voice
murmured.
Jared turned his head.
“I’m Harry,” the guy said.
He was attractive, but not overly so, early twenties, light brown hair and
green eyes. Close enough.
“Want to get out of here?” Jared asked.
Harry’s eyes widened a little before he licked his lips. “Your place or
mine?”
“Yours,” Jared said, putting his beer down.
The drive to the guy’s place was short. Harry tried to make small talk,
but Jared wasn’t in the mood to talk. He wasn’t really in the mood for
anything, but it was neither here nor there. Some things needed to be done.
When they got to the guy’s place, Jared pushed him onto the bed and
told him to strip.
“Bossy,” Harry said with a wink but he did what he was told.
 Jared undressed, too. He couldn’t quite shake off the feeling of
detachment, as though he was outside of his body, just watching everything
happen.
“Wow, you’re easily the hottest guy I’ve ever seen,” Harry said, raking
his gaze over Jared’s body and lingering on his dick. The look of pure
appreciation in his eyes felt good for a change. Gabriel never looked at him
that way. Gabriel would never look at him that way.
Gritting his teeth, Jared shook the thought off. It was pointless to think
of him. Gabe could never give him this. For Gabriel, he was nothing but a
close friend and pseudo-guardian, someone safe and harmless. For Gabriel,
he would never be an object of desire.
For Harry, he was. His green eyes (almost like Gabriel’s) were glazed
with lust. “Shit, seriously, you’re so hot. I guess it’s my lucky day. C’mere,
fuck me. Don’t worry, I prepped myself just in case.” The guy spread his legs
and started jacking off. “Come on.”
Jared wished he would shut up. The guy’s voice was all wrong and
grated on his nerves. His cock actually softened and Jared had to stroke
himself to hardness.
Annoyed with himself, he reached for a condom—
His cell phone rang.
“Ignore it,” the guy said impatiently.
“I can’t. I’m a doctor. It could be important.” Jared pulled his phone out
of his jacket pocket and stared at the caller ID.
Gabriel.
Jared considered ignoring the call, but who was he kidding? He could
never ignore Gabriel. He answered.
“Jay, come back.”
Jared frowned. Gabriel’s voice sounded odd. “Something wrong?”
A pause.
Then, “I’m sick. My stomach hurts.”
His heart speeding up, Jared reached for his jeans. “What type of pain?
Sharp or stabbing, crampy, colicky, dull? Any other symptoms? A fever?”
“I—I feel nauseous and I’m freaking out. Just come back. It hurts.”
“Maybe you should call an ambulance—”
“I don’t want an ambulance. I want you.”
Jared slipped into his shirt. He knew it was useless to argue with
Gabriel: he was a big baby when he got sick and hated being treated by
anyone but him. “All right, give me an hour to get back. But if it gets worse,
call an ambulance, and that’s an order, got it?”
“Yeah,” Gabriel said and hung up.
“Seriously? You’re leaving?” Harry said with a huff.
“Yes,” Jared said, zipping up his jeans. “Sorry,” he said distractedly,
grabbing his jacket, and left the apartment.
“Dick!”
He had probably deserved it, but Jared couldn’t bring himself to care as
he jumped into his car and took off. Could it be appendicitis?
Halfway home, he called Gabriel but got no answer, which only made
him more anxious.
The tires screeched as he finally swerved into the driveway and hit the
brakes in front of their house. Jared sprang out of the car and darted toward
the front door.
“Gabriel?” he called out as soon as he was inside. The living room was
empty, and he made his way to Gabriel’s bedroom. It was empty too.
“Gabe?”
Frowning, he headed to his own bedroom.
 Chapter 22: Loved

He could hear Jared calling out his name, but he stayed quiet. The
house wasn’t big; Jared would come here soon.
Sure enough, there was the sound of footsteps approaching.
The door opened. “Gabe—”
Jared stopped dead in his tracks, staring at the bed.
Gabriel’s heartbeat skyrocketed. He told himself he had no reason to
feel awkward: Jared had seen him naked hundreds of times.
“What…” Jared trailed off before saying, very evenly, “Get dressed.”
But his eyes were roaming all over his body, dark and hungry. It made
Gabriel nervous, but at the same time, he stopped feeling awkward. Jared
wanted him.
“No,” he said quietly. “Come here.”
Jared’s Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “Don’t do this to me.
Please.”
Gabriel licked his lips. “I’m not teasing you. You don’t have to fuck
anyone else. I can give you anything you want.”
Jared’s nostrils flared. “I don’t want a pity fuck.”
“It wouldn’t be a pity fuck. It has nothing to do with pity. I love you
and want to make you happy. What’s wrong with that?”
Jared pinched the bridge of his nose, looking pained.
“Let me do it, Jay,” Gabriel said softly. “I want this—”
“You don’t want it,” Jared bit out, glaring at him. “You just want to
please me. There’s a difference. You don’t really want it.”
Scoffing, Gabriel got out of the bed. “Did you forget who you’re talking
to? When have I ever done something I didn’t want to do? I’m not exactly the
self-sacrificing type. It has nothing to do with pity.” He walked toward Jared
and stopped a few inches away from him, suddenly acutely aware that he was
naked. From the way Jared was looking at him, he was very aware of his
nakedness, too.
Gathering his courage, Gabriel looped his arms around Jared’s neck and
pressed his body against him.
Jared’s breath hitched, his muscles stiffening. “Gabe—”
“Look, hear me out,” Gabriel said. “You want me. That’s okay—no,
that’s more than okay. I…I like that you want me.” He shrugged,
embarrassed. “I’m not gonna claim gay sex isn’t going to be weird for me—it
most likely will—but I’m not doing it out of some misguided sense of
friendship or something, so you don’t have to feel guilty for this. Trust me,
I’m doing this for a very selfish reason.”
“What reason?” Jared said slowly, through his clenched teeth. His body
was so tense against him it felt like it was vibrating with restrained power.
“I’m doing it because…” Gabriel slipped his hand between them and
cupped Jared’s erection through his jeans. Jared hissed.
Gabriel blushed a little, but didn’t look down even as his fingers stroked
Jared’s cock awkwardly.
He pulled the zipper down. The sound was obscenely loud in the
silence.
His fingers trembling, Gabriel slid his hand inside to pull Jared’s cock
out. It was warm, so very warm, big and hard. It felt good in his hand. Jared’s
eyes became unfocused, his breath coming in shallow gasps.
“Because you’re mine,” he said, holding Jared’s gaze, unable to keep
the possessive edge out of his voice. His fingers tightened around Jared’s
cock. “This is mine, too. You belong to me. And I won’t share you.”
Jared stared at him. “You want it for the wrong reasons.”
“Maybe.” Gabriel dropped his gaze and finally looked at the cock in his
hand. The sight made him feel funny. He was holding Jared’s cock. He was
holding Jared’s hard cock. The red head peeked out of his fist, glistening with
precome. It looked so…dirty and obscene. And oddly fascinating. Gabriel
wet his dry lips. “But it’s not repulsive to me or anything. I like it—this. It’s
like the evidence of…”
 “Of what?” Jared said tightly, the frustration clear in his voice as he
knocked Gabe’s hand away from his cock. “Trust me, it’s not an evidence of
love. It’s the evidence of my wanting to shove you under me and fuck you
senseless.”
“There’s no need to be crude,” Gabriel said, his voice almost as firm as
he wanted. Almost. “If you’re trying to freak me out, you didn’t and you
won’t. I want to do it.”
“No, you don’t. You’re straight.”
“I may not be completely straight,” Gabriel said, hesitantly. “I think—I
think I’m attracted to you. When you kiss me, I always want more. And I…”
He blushed. “I kinda jerked off thinking of you the other day.”
Jared gave him a skeptical look.
“When have I ever lied to you?” Gabe said.
Jared raised his eyebrows. “Just an hour ago when you pretended to be
sick.”
Gabriel averted his gaze. “I didn’t lie,” he said quietly.
Silence fell between them, loaded with unsaid words.
“Damn you,” Jared muttered angrily, pulling him into his arms and
pressing his face against Gabriel’s hair.
Gabriel melted into the embrace. “Please, Jay,” he whispered. “I don’t
wanna share you. I can’t share you. I could before, but now I can’t. I want
everything—I want to give you everything. Please, let’s try. Just once. If it
doesn’t work, then we’ll forget about it and try to be just friends, like before.”
There was another long silence.
At last, Jared heaved a sigh. “This is crazy.”
It was a capitulation.
Smiling, Gabriel pulled back a little to look at him. “No, it’s not. People
have sex with total strangers all the time. I think that’s far stranger than
having sex with the person I actually love.”
Jared snorted a laugh. “You have an answer for everything.” His thumb
brushed Gabriel’s cheek. “Aren’t you scared and grossed out? Even a little
bit?”
It probably should have been a hard question, but it wasn’t.
“I trust you,” Gabriel said simply, and he meant it with every fiber of
his being.
A wry, pained smile crossed Jared’s features. “You really, really
shouldn’t. I’m this close to pushing you on the floor and fucking you without
any prep.”
“Um,” Gabriel said.
Jared stared at him for a moment. “God, you’re so…” He kissed Gabriel
—kissed him much harder than he’d ever done before. The kiss was primitive
and devastating, savage and forceful, a man staking his claim. After a
moment, Gabriel responded to his need, sucking lightly on Jared’s tongue.
God. He had been a little afraid what happened a few days ago had been a
fluke and that he would have to think of naked women to turn himself on, but
to his relief, he didn’t have to. He started hardening, Jared’s need fueling his
own. And there was something about being naked in Jared’s arms that did
things to him. He was naked and vulnerable while Jared was fully clothed
and so much taller and bigger. He wasn’t sure why, but his cock seemed to
like the idea—despite it being completely wrong. His skin felt sensitive
against Jared’s shirt, his nipples aching. He gasped and sucked harder on
Jared’s tongue.
Jared groaned and bit his bottom lip before ending the kiss abruptly and
stepping back. Breathing hard and his hands clenched into fists, he looked at
Gabriel as though he was seeing him for the first time. “Gabe,” he said
hoarsely. “If we try this, we’ll go all the way. You do realize that, right?”
Wetting his lips, Gabriel nodded.
“I mean that I’ll fuck you.”
Swallowing, Gabriel nodded again, although the expression on Jared’s
face unnerved him a little. He’d never seen Jared look like that.
“Go lie down on the bed, baby,” Jared said, the softness of his words
contradicting the dark, hungry look in his eyes.
Gabriel did as he was told, his knees a bit weak and his cock half-hard.
He stretched out on his back, feeling odd under Jared’s gaze. He didn’t
exactly feel self-conscious, but he didn’t feel relaxed, either. He watched
Jared undress quickly.
Fuck. He’d seen Jared naked a few times, but this time it was different.
For one thing, Jared was aroused and Jared was looking at him like he wanted
to eat him. For another, they were going to have sex. Real sex. Gay sex. He
and Jared. Jared was going to put his cock inside of him. Gabriel’s hole
clenched involuntarily as he stared at Jared’s massive cock. Okay, he was a
bit nervous.
Naked, Jared walked over. Gabriel couldn’t avert his eyes from Jared’s
hard cock inches away from his face. It was fat and long, the red tip
glistening with precome.
Jared opened the nightstand drawer and pulled out condoms and lube.
“You’re blushing.”
Gabriel made a face. His pale skin always betrayed him. “I hate my
skin.”
“I love your skin,” Jared said, brushing his knuckles over Gabriel’s
warm cheek, down his neck, his nipples—
Gabriel trembled. Their eyes met.
“Nervous?” Jared said.
Gabriel nodded.
Some of the darkness in Jared’s eyes ebbed away. He lay down and
pulled Gabe into him arms.
Gabriel shivered as their naked bodies pressed tightly against each
other. “Oh,” he breathed out, trying to squirm even closer. Cuddling naked
was so much better.
Jared snorted. “You’re such a cuddle-slut.” But his voice sounded
pained rather than amused, his hard cock poking into Gabriel’s stomach.
Jared took Gabriel’s chin into his hand and made him look at him. His pupils
were so blown his eyes seemed dark. “We’ll give it a try, but you will tell me
if it becomes too weird for you. Don’t try to please me. You have to stop me
while I can still stop.”
Gabriel smiled shakily. “Thanks, that didn’t make me nervous at all.”
“I’m serious, Gabriel,” Jared said, his expression tight. “I don’t want to
hurt you or freak you out. You’re used to my being nice and caring, but I’m
actually very far from nice.”
Gabriel’s eyes widened. “You? Bullshit.”
Jared smiled crookedly. “Trust me. I’m too damn indulgent and soft
with you, but it’s the exception rather than the rule. I’m rarely nice when it
comes to sex. I don’t think I can be very nice, even for you—especially for
you.” Jared touched his cheek with his thumb, brushed his bottom lip. “I’ve
wanted this too long. I don’t want to freak you out, so don’t bite off more
than you can chew.”
Gabriel blinked rapidly, unable to reconcile it with Jared. “You mean…
you mean you like it rough?”
Jared leaned in and bit his earlobe. Gabriel shivered and squirmed a
little. Jared’s broad hand slid down his spine and settled on his ass. “I’m not
into anything hardcore, but I don’t hold back,” Jared murmured, grazing
Gabriel’s ear with his teeth. His breathing was very irregular and that, more
than anything, told him how far gone Jared was already.
“I trust you,” Gabriel said again.
Jared heaved a sigh. “You have no idea, do you?” he said and bit his
earlobe again, this time painfully, and pulling Gabriel’s hips flush against his
own. Gabe gasped, his eyes widening.
Then he was pushed onto his back and Jared started kissing him.
Everywhere.
God. Gabriel’s eyelids closed slowly, his lips parting as he panted. He’d
never been touched like that before—like Jared was drowning and he was air,
like Jared was trying to devour all of him and couldn’t get enough. Gabriel
squirmed, unsure what he wanted—he just wanted more of this. He wanted to
take Jared under his skin and keep him inside forever.
Jared’s tongue pressed against his nipple, and Gabriel moaned, fully
hard now, his cock aching. But Jared didn’t touch it, stroking his thighs and
stomach instead.
“Jared,” Gabe whined in frustration, his fingers digging into Jared’s
back.
Jared bit his nipple. “What?” he said, his voice barely recognizable.
“Don’t be such a tease.”
Chuckling hoarsely, Jared trailed his lips downward. Goosebumps ran
over Gabe’s skin wherever Jared touched him.
“I love your belly button,” Jared said, kissing it. He circled his tongue
around it and Gabriel moaned, grabbed his hair and pushed Jared’s head
lower.
Jared chuckled again. “What do we have here?” he said, blowing on his
cock. He blew, and blew, and Gabe whimpered, shuddering.
He opened his eyes to glare at Jared. The words he’d intended to say
died on his lips. Seeing Jared between his legs, lips inches away from his
hard cock was…
“Weird,” Gabriel whispered. “This is so weird.”
Jared’s hands on his thighs tightened, his shoulders stiffening. “Weird?”
“Yeah,” Gabriel said, looking at Jared’s lips and then at the red tip of
his own cock. He gripped the sheets, his cock throbbing. “But I really want to
put my cock in your mouth.” He blushed, meeting Jared’s gaze. “Suck it.
Suck my cock.”
His eyes dark, Jared leaned down and fucking swallowed his cock.
Gabriel couldn’t help his hips rocking forward, and he couldn’t keep the long
moan slipping from his throat. He panted, going cross-eyed, as Jared sucked,
no teasing, no games, no bullshit: his head bobbed up and down, his wet
mouth tight around his cock, and God, it was—
Jared pulled off.
Gabe whined, disoriented. “What—”
“Not yet,” Jared rasped, dropping a last kiss onto his cock before
reaching for the lube.
Gabe swallowed.
Oh. Right.

Jared had never felt so out of control. He told himself to get a grip as he
lubed up his fingers liberally, but they were shaking.
“Why are you nervous?” Gabriel said with a nervous smile.
“I’m not nervous,” Jared said, settling between Gabriel’s spread legs. “I
just…” Jared’s gaze traveled over the well-toned chest, pink nipples, taut
stomach and strong, shapely legs that he’d imagined wrapped around his
waist countless of times. “I’m a man who has wanted to fuck you since—
fucking forever.”
Gabe’s eyes widened. “You mean when I was…?”
“Yeah, but I was in denial at the time.” Jared touched Gabriel’s tiny
hole with lubed fingers, massaging it firmly. Gabriel gasped, his hole
quivering. Jared pressed a finger against it, not really pushing—just waiting
for Gabe to relax. At last, Gabriel did and the finger slid in.
Watching his finger disappear inside of Gabe had to be the hottest thing
Jared had seen in his life. His cock ached with want and it took an incredible
amount of willpower not to throw Gabriel’s legs over his shoulders and just
take him, right there and then. Jared drew a shaky breath in and pushed the
finger deeper.
“You probably think I’m a pervert,” he said, looking up to meet
Gabriel’s eyes. “I thought so, too. I tried to convince myself I wasn’t
attracted to you. You were a teenager and I was an adult.” Jared crooked his
finger upwards and found Gabriel’s prostate. Gabriel’s eyes widened and
glazed over, his mouth opening silently. Jared drank in the sight, feeling
lovesick and hungry. “You were so vulnerable and fragile—and you
depended on me—so I had no right to feel it, but it was useless. You could
make me breathless by touching my arm. You could make me breathless just
by looking at me.” Jared pushed another finger in and started moving them in
and out, all the while looking Gabriel in the eyes. “You should have never
trusted me.” Jared kneaded his prostate ruthlessly. Gabriel cried out, his eyes
unfocused and face pink. He looked so fucking lovely, Jared felt like licking
him all over. “Another?” he asked.
Gabriel nodded so quickly Jared would have laughed if he didn’t feel so
impatient himself. He added more lube and pushed three fingers inside.
Gabriel winced a bit.
“Hurts?” Jared murmured.
Gabriel gave a stubborn shake of his head.
“Don’t lie to me.”
Panting, Gabriel smiled dazedly and shook his head again. “It hurts, but
it feels good too—odd, but good. Don’t stop.”
Jared scissored his fingers, watching Gabriel’s reaction carefully.
Gabe’s eyes half-closed, his pink lips parting widely. Before long, Gabriel’s
hips started rocking back and forth, his cock rock hard, and Jared couldn’t
wait anymore.
He pulled his fingers out and took the condom—
“No,” Gabriel said. “Don’t want a condom. Wanna feel you.”
Jared nearly came on the spot.
“It’s unsafe, baby,” he managed. He’d never fucked anyone without a
condom.
“You know I’m clean.” Gabriel looked at him from under his eyelashes.
“And I know you would never risk my health.”
His unshakable trust went straight to Jared’s cock. Jared clenched his
hands into fists before throwing the condom away. He lubed up his erection.
“Knees to your chest,” he said tersely.
Licking his lips, Gabriel obeyed.
Jared lined himself up and pressed his cock to Gabe’s glistening hole.
He gritted his teeth at the sensation, trying to hold still. At last, Gabriel’s
muscles gave in and he pushed inside slowly.
Whimpering, Gabriel grabbed his arm.
“All right?” Jared grated out. He was breathing hard, his muscles
straining with the effort not to move. God, Gabe was so fucking tight. But of
course he was tight: Jared was his first man. The thought shot a primal thrill
through his body and the urge to fuck became nearly uncontrollable.
Jared focused his gaze on Gabriel. He’d expected him to lose his
erection, but he hadn’t. Gabriel was panting too, sweat glistening on his
forehead and green eyes fixed on the spot where their bodies were joined. His
expression was very strange.
“Gabe? You okay?”

Jared’s voice brought him back to reality.

Gabriel blinked blearily and looked up. He opened his mouth, but
nothing came out. He had trouble speaking. Scratch that, he had trouble
thinking, utterly overwhelmed. There was pain, but it wasn’t even the pain. It
felt so strange. Jared’s cock was thick and heavy inside of him, creating a
fullness that needed more. The feeling was unlike anything he’d ever felt
before and Gabriel’s eyes watered from the intensity of it all.
He looked at Jared, at his tense face and strong body above him—in
him—and he had never felt more vulnerable in his life. If it were anyone but
Jared, Gabriel would have shoved him away. But it was Jared: when he felt
vulnerable, Jared was the one he wanted.
“Yeah,” he managed, blinking the tears away. “I think so. I’m good.”
Jared’s eyes closed for a moment and he drew in a long, ragged breath.
“If it’s too strange for you, we’ll stop.”
A rush of love made a lump in Gabriel’s throat. “No,” he said, pulling
Jared down on top of him. “Don’t wanna stop.”
Jared shifted slightly, propping himself on his elbows above Gabriel.
His cock moved a little too. Their gazes met and held as Jared started
moving. It was incredibly, terrifyingly—amazingly—intimate, and Gabriel
felt his entire body tremble. He put his hand on Jared’s nape and pulled him
down, suddenly needing to be kissed, to feel Jared’s breath in him.
Jared kissed him thoroughly. He was a bit too rough, but Gabriel didn’t
mind. Jared’s deep kisses and the feeling of Jared’s stubble added to the
almost painful intensity of having his cock inside of him. Jared’s pace picked
up and he stopped kissing Gabriel, just breathing raggedly against his mouth
as he pounded into him. He wasn’t gentle anymore, his fingers digging hard
into Gabriel’s hips as his cock dragged against that spot inside of him that
sent small shocks of sharp pleasure through Gabriel’s body.
He needed more, but the weirdest part was he didn’t want to move to
meet Jared’s thrusts. There was something about being utterly still and just
taking it that turned him on more than he’d ever been in his life. He loved the
feeling of vulnerability, loved the sensation of Jared’s heavy body moving on
top of him, the thick length of Jared’s cock taking him in the most intimate
way possible. It felt achingly right. Jared owned him: his heart, his soul, and
now his body. He belonged to Jared and Jared belonged to him.
But a part of him still couldn’t believe they were really doing this, and
he blushed, imagining what his teammates would think if they saw him now:
impaled on Jared’s cock and making inhuman little noises—some pathetic,
broken noises he hadn’t thought he was even capable of. Pleasure was
spreading through his body, focused not on his cock, but inside of him, sharp
and startling. God, he wanted to be fucked harder—
As though hearing his thoughts, Jared’s thrusts quickened to a speed
that Gabriel couldn’t believe was possible. Jared’s head leaned back as his
thrusts became animalistic and wild, causing the bed to creak and no doubt
bruising him, but Gabriel didn’t care. “Jay,” he whispered brokenly when it
became too much.
Jared groaned and said, “I know,” before he slammed hard against his
prostate, again, and again, and again, and Gabe was gasping, and half-
sobbing, and begging—
Gripping his hips harder, Jared drove hard into him, his breath fast and
ragged against Gabe’s ear as he came inside of him. “I love you. I love you
so much.”
Waves of mind-numbing, toe-curling pleasure washed over him, and
Gabe came too, shuddering and clinging to Jared. It felt like his orgasm lasted
forever, spasms of pleasure rocking his body. Oh God. God.
“Shh,” Jared murmured, kissing him all over his face.
Gabriel forced his eyes open and blinked blearily.
Jared smiled down at him, his cheekbones still flushed, his forehead and
disheveled dark hair moist with sweat. He was the most beautiful thing
Gabriel had ever seen.
A small crease appeared between Jared’s brows. “You okay? You
look…”
“Like someone fucked my brains out?” Gabriel said weakly with a faint
smile. His voice sounded weird, like it didn’t even belong to him.
Jared studied him carefully before starting to pull out—
“No!” Gabriel said. He squirmed under Jared’s inquiring gaze. “Don’t
pull out.” His face was probably as red as a tomato. “Stay in me.”
Jared got a slightly pained look on his face. “You really have no idea
what you do to me.”
 Grinning, Gabriel looped his arms around Jared’s neck. “I think I have a
pretty good idea now.” He pulled Jared down and kissed softly, and then
again, and again. He broke the kiss to look at Jared and smiled. “You should
have fucked me years ago and saved us the headache.”
Jared groaned and kissed him deeply before rolling onto his back and
putting Gabriel on top of him. Gabriel let out a disappointed sigh when Jared
slipped out of him.
Running his fingers through his hair, Jared said, “If I stayed inside you,
I’d get hard again.”
“So what?” Gabriel grumbled, nuzzling into Jared’s chest. He wouldn’t
mind doing it again.
Mind? Who was he kidding? Just the thought of having Jared deep
inside of him again sent a pleasant tingling sensation dancing down along the
base of his spine.
Jared’s hands slid up and down his back before settling on his ass. “You
have a game tomorrow. You’d be sore.”
“After we win, then?”
Jared chuckled, his hands squeezing his ass. “So you really liked it,
huh?”
Gabriel rubbed his nose against his chest. “Are you fishing for
compliments?”
“Gabriel.”
The seriousness of Jared’s voice made him look up.
Jared’s expression was somber, lines of anxiety around his mouth. “It’s
not hard to turn someone on. Many gay men have sex with women all the
time—they even marry and have kids. Arousal is just a response to stimuli
and I’m an experienced lover. I know you enjoyed it physically, but it doesn’t
necessarily mean anything. I’ve had sex with a girl when I was a teenager. I
managed to get it up, I managed to come, but it felt wrong and dirty and not
what I truly wanted. If it feels wrong, it feels wrong and there’s nothing you
can do about it.”
Gabriel laid his head back on Jared’s chest. He kissed it. “It didn’t feel
wrong. I mean, it did feel strange and wrong at first—physically. But it didn’t
feel wrong here.” He pointed at his head, and then at his heart. “Or here. You
know I’ve always wanted to have you closer to me. And when you fucked
me…” He met Jared’s eyes and smiled. “It was everything I never knew I
wanted and so much more.”
 Jared just looked at him for a moment, then he flipped them over and
kissed him. The kiss was positively dirty, each greedy sweep of Jared’s
tongue thorough, wild and claiming, Jared’s hands stroking all over his body,
so strong and familiar.
Gabriel whined when Jared stopped kissing him.
“We’ll do it every day,” Jared said, pressing their foreheads together.
He gave Gabriel another short, hungry kiss. “We’ll do it every day until you
can’t live without it.”
Gabriel buried his fingers in Jared’s hair. “You know the scariest part?”
he murmured. Jared’s warm breath mixed with his. “I know you aren’t
exaggerating.”
“Are you scared?” Jared said, kissing the corner of his mouth.
“Nope.” Gabriel scratched Jared’s neck. “You should be the one who’s
scared. If you thought I was clingy before, you’re in for a surprise.”
Jared nudged his nose with his own, smiling. “I think I can live with
that.”
His chest suddenly tight with emotion, Gabriel cradled Jared’s face with
his hands and whispered, “I love you, you know. In every possible way.”
He felt Jared’s breath hitch.
Jared pressed their cheeks together and said, a little choked up, “Okay.”
Gabriel smacked him on the back. “Okay? That’s not what you’re
supposed to say.”
Grinning, Jared kissed him on his nose. “Je t'aime.”
“Your accent is dreadful,” Gabriel informed him.
“Fine,” Jared said, his eyes smiling. “Я тебе кохаю.”
“Oh,” Gabriel said. “Is that…?” He cleared his throat. “In Ukrainian? I
never—I mean, I don’t remember.” I never knew.
Jared cupped his cheek gently and gave him a soft kiss. “Now you
know.”
Gabriel blinked rapidly and averted his gaze.
He squeezed his eyes shut and said, “You aren’t allowed to die before
me.”
Jared didn’t laugh at him.
He pulled Gabriel into his arms and said in his ear, “I won’t. But you
aren’t allowed to die before me, either.”
Gabriel chuckled and kissed Jared’s throat. “Deal.”
 Epilogue

The door of his office opened and slammed shut.

“I want you to fire him.”
Jared lifted his eyes from his computer.
Tristan DuVal was scowling at him, his face holding none of its usual
easy mirth and sweetness.
“What are you doing here?” Jared said. “Does walking still hurt?”
“Yes, but—”
“Then you’re supposed to be resting,” Jared said. “The general rule of
thumb is if an activity brings any pain or discomfort, stop doing it
immediately.”
“That’s what he said, too,” Tristan grumbled. “I want you to get rid of
him.”
Leaning back, Jared gave him a patient look. “I presume you’re talking
about your new physio?”
“Who else? I want you to fire him.”
“Why?”
Tristan shoved his hands into his pockets, his aquamarine eyes dropping
for a moment. “I don’t like him.”
“I’m afraid that’s not a good enough reason,” Jared said calmly. “You
know how understaffed we are—”
“I’m the star of this team,” Tristan said with a nice smile. “It’s in your
best interests to get me back to fitness as soon as possible. Isn’t that your job,
Jared?”
Jared narrowed his eyes. “I’m well aware of what my job is. I’m
responsible for rehabilitation of all footballers of this club, and no one is
entitled to preferential treatment. Because of the onslaught of injuries in the
first team, reserve team and under-18 team, our physios are overworked
already.”
“But—”
“Tristan,” Jared cut him off, leveling him with a look, “I asked Zach
Hardaway to work with you as a personal favor to me. He’s one of the best
physiotherapists and fitness trainers in Europe. You’re incredibly lucky he
agreed to do it on such short notice. Normally it would be impossible. He’s in
very high demand.”
Tristan scoffed. “That explains why he’s such a bossy asshole.”
Jared pinched the bridge of his nose. He had expected that Tristan
would be unhappy with his choice. Zach was a great guy, but his bedside
manner left a great deal to be desired. Zach had no patience for bullshit. He
wasn’t the type Tristan could wrap around his little finger.
Jared said, “If you want to return to the pitch before the end of the
season and get called up for the English National Team, you will do what he
says. And no, you can’t hire another physio—I won’t clear you if Zach
doesn’t confirm you’re fully recovered and fit to play. After all the trouble I
went through to get you the best physio, you won’t get him fired only
because you don’t like him.”
The mulish expression on Tristan’s face was very familiar. Jared
wondered if Tristan and Gabriel realized how similar some of their
mannerisms were. They might not be related by blood and they might look
nothing like each other, but Tristan had a lot in common with Gabe.
Jared’s voice softened. “It’s for your own good, Tristan.”
Tristan’s stubborn expression didn’t change.
Behind Tristan, the door opened silently, admitting the man they were
talking about. Before Jared could say anything, Tristan said, oblivious to their
audience, “If you don’t fire him, someone might accidentally find out that
you’re fucking my brother. That would be such a shame. His career would be
ruined.”
Jared’s blood went cold. He knew Gabriel didn’t care much about it—
he knew Gabe would give up football for him—but Jared did care. He didn’t
want it. He didn’t need to be “out and proud” to be happy. Their relationship
was none of anyone’s business.
Tristan gave him a curious, expectant look. Like a spider watching a fly
caught in its web.
For the first time, Jared truly saw what Gabriel meant when he said
Tristan was a two-faced little shit. How could someone be so beautiful on the
outside and be so ugly and calculating on the inside?
“Nice,” Zach said, stepping into the room and walking toward Tristan,
who froze at the sound of his voice. “Blackmail, brat?”
Pursing his lips, Tristan turned his head and glowered at him.
Zach looked unimpressed, his steely gray eyes fixing Tristan with a
hard look. “Why aren’t you in bed? I gave you clear instructions.”
Tristan scowled. “You mean orders?”
“Precisely,” Zach said, undeterred. “I need to talk to Jared. Go wait for
me outside.”
Tristan gave him a mutinous glare, but, to Jared’s surprise, actually
obeyed. Well, he did attempt to storm out of the room but whimpered,
grabbing his inner thigh, and slowed down. “Shut up,” Tristan threw over his
shoulder.
“I didn’t say anything,” Zach said, his lips twisting. “But if you stop
being a baby and start listening to me, you’ll recover twice as fast.”
“I hate you,” Tristan said and closed the door loudly behind him.
“Don’t worry about his threats,” Zach said, turning away from the door
to look at Jared. “I’ll make sure he won’t spread that bullshit.”
Jared wondered how he was going to accomplish that but didn’t
question it: Zach wasn’t one to give empty promises.
“You wanted to talk to me?” he asked instead. “Come to complain
too?”
Zach snorted. “If I start, we’ll be here all night.” He pulled something
out of his jacket—something that looked suspiciously like wedding
invitations—and put them on the desk. “Donna asked me to drop these off.
She doesn’t know your new address. Give Gabriel his, will you?”
Jared smiled. “About time.” Donna and Zach had been in an on-and-off
relationship for years. “Congrats, man.”
Zach nodded before raising his eyebrows slightly. “So what did you do
to piss Tristan off so badly he wants to make up some shit about you and
Gabriel?”
 Before Jared could reply, the door opened and Gabriel walked in.
“Hey, Zach,” Gabriel said with an easy smile.
Zach said something in response, but Jared listened to their
conversation only with half an ear, his eyes drawn to Gabriel, who propped
his hip against Jared’s armrest. Gabe dropped his hand and found Jared’s.
Their fingers entwined.
Jared glanced at their hands before looking at Zach as the other man
continued to talk to Gabriel. There was no way Zach could fail to notice the
fact that they were holding hands, but Zach didn’t even blink.
Jared almost laughed when he realized why: Zach wasn’t surprised
because they always acted that way. Whenever Zach had seen them together,
Gabriel had usually been sprawled half on top of him or snuggled into his
side. Nothing, short of kissing Gabe in public, would raise people’s
eyebrows: to the outside world, nothing had changed in the way they
behaved. Actually, very little had changed in the way they behaved when
they were alone, too. They had sex—lots and lots of sex—but other than that,
their relationship was exactly the same as it had always been.
Jared smiled to himself. Maybe their relationship was exactly the same
because effectively they’d always been in a relationship, with sex being the
only thing missing.
The door opened again and Tristan’s head appeared in the doorway.
“Seriously?” he said, glowering at Zach. “Are you making me wait so you
can make small talk? I’m leaving.”
“I’m done,” Zach said. “We can go now.”
Tristan’s eyes flicked to the wedding invitations on the desk. “You
could have mailed them,” he said before striding away.
“Slow down, brat,” Zach called after him. “I’m not carrying you again
if you worsen your injury—again.”
Tristan ignored him.
Zach sighed. “See you around, guys,” he said before stalking after his
patient. The door closed behind him.
As soon as they were alone, Gabriel straddled his lap, looped his hands
around Jared’s neck and gave him a long, deep kiss. Jared kissed him back
hungrily. God, he still couldn’t believe this was finally real. Gabriel. His
Gabe.
“Missed you,” Gabe whispered between the kisses. “Missed you so
much.”
 “It’s been just a few hours,” Jared said with a smile, sliding his hands
under Gabriel’s shirt and stroking his back before slipping them underneath
Gabriel’s shorts. He squeezed Gabe’s ass.
“Too long,” Gabriel said, grinning against his mouth. “I’m horny.” He
sucked on Jared’s lip. “Love you. Want you.”
Jared groaned and tore his lips away. “Not here.”
Gabriel sighed and put his head on his shoulder. He stroked Jared’s
chest. “When we get home, then?”
Home. The word sounded gut-wrenchingly good.
Closing his eyes, Jared pulled Gabriel tighter against him, his heart
warm with contentment. Maybe their love for each other was too deep and
all-consuming to be very healthy, but he didn’t give a damn. Every love was
different. He wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world.
“Yes, Gabi,” Jared murmured, burying his face in Gabriel’s hair and
breathing him in. He smiled. “When we get home.”

The End
 About the Series

Currently the Straight Guys series includes the following books:

#0.5 - Straight Boy: A Short Story (Sage and Xavier)

Young, blond and handsome, Sage attracts unwanted attention in
prison. When his cellmate offers him protection, Sage accepts the offer, even
though he doesn’t trust the guy. Little does he know how much it will change
his life.
When he’s released from prison, Sage finds himself needing and
wanting things he shouldn’t want. Sage is straight. He is. He has a girlfriend.
What happened in prison stayed in prison—or so Sage tells himself.
Until he meets his former cellmate again. Xavier. The guy he hates and
craves.

#1 - Just a Bit Twisted (Shawn and Derek)

Professor Derek Rutledge is hated and feared by all of his students.
Strict, reserved and ruthless, he doesn’t tolerate mistakes and has little
patience for his students.
Shawn Wyatt is a twenty-year-old struggling to provide for his younger
sisters after the death of their parents. On the verge of losing his scholarship,
Shawn becomes desperate enough to go to Professor Rutledge.
Everyone says Rutledge doesn’t have a heart. Everyone says he’s a
ruthless bastard. Shawn finds out that everyone is right.
 He strikes a deal with Rutledge, but unexpectedly, the deal turns into
something so much more.
Something all-consuming and addictive.
Something neither of them wants.

#2 - Just a Bit Obsessed (Alexander and Christian)

Alexander Sheldon likes order and control in his life. He isn’t happy
when his girlfriend invites another guy for a threesome. Alexander believes
in monogamy, and he’s never been good at sharing his things. It doesn’t help
that Christian rubs him the wrong way from the beginning.
But what starts as animosity turns into something else. Something
unexpected and very wrong.
He was never supposed to touch Christian. He was never supposed to
feel possessive of the guy. And he most definitely wasn’t supposed to want
Christian more than he wants his girlfriend.
It’s a recipe for disaster.

#3 - Just a Bit Unhealthy (Gabriel and Jared)

When the line between "need" and "want" gets blurred…
Gabriel DuVal, rising soccer star.
Jared Sheldon, team physician.
To the outside world, they’re just good friends. But the truth is, Gabriel
isn’t entirely sure what they are to each other.
Some call their relationship unhealthy. Some call it codependency.
Gabriel calls it confusing. He knows Jared wants him – as more than a friend.
He doesn’t want Jared. He’s straight, he has a girlfriend, and he loves her.
But Jared is… Jared is more. Jared is his. He needs him – his touch and his
strength.
But is it enough for Jared?

#4 - Just a Bit Wrong (Tristan and Zach)

Zach Hardaway is one of the best physiotherapists in Europe.
Tristan DuVal is a young soccer star with a groin injury.
They despise each other from the moment they meet.
As far as Zach is concerned, Tristan is a rich, spoiled brat who is too
used to getting his own way.
As far as Tristan is concerned, Zach is a bossy, presumptuous asshole.
Tristan hates Zach. He does. The problem is, he also wants to shove Zach
against the nearest wall and climb him like a tree.

#5 - Just a Bit Confusing (Ryan and James) - coming soon

Visit Alessandra’s website to learn more about her books:

http://www.alessandrahazard.com/books/
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You can contact the author at her website or email her at
author@alessandrahazard.com.