Acceptance

Aspects  of  my  partner  that  I  find  hard  to  accept   Aspects  of  myself  that  I  find  hard  to  accept  

Aspects  of  my  partner  that  I  am  still  learning  to   Aspects  of  myself  that  I  am  still  learning  to  accept  
accept  

Aspects  of  my  partner  that  I  have  come  to  accept   Aspects  of  myself  that  I  have  come  to  accept  

Aspects  of  my  partner  that  I  like,  value  and/or   Aspects  of  myself  that  I  like,  value  and/or  respect  
respect  
Areas of similarity and difference: thinking about our shared and different values, beliefs, personality and preferences

Similar or Try to think of at least one way in which you are similar and one way in which you are
Area
different different for each area
Similar We are both worried about not having enough money to retire on
Example: Money
whereas you are relaxed about spending on
Different I am frugal, I count the pennies
the family
Similar We are both
Money
Different I am whereas you are
Similar We are both
Recreation and leisure
Different I am whereas you are
Similar We are both
Physical affection
Different I am whereas you are
Similar We are both
Parenting
Different I am whereas you are
Similar We are both
Socialising
Different I am whereas you are
Similar We are both
Conventionality
Different I am whereas you are
Similar We are both
Philosophy of life
Different I am whereas you are
Similar We are both
Sexual relationship
Different I am whereas you are
Similar We are both
Communication
Different I am whereas you are
Similar We are both
Religion/spirituality
Different I am whereas you are

Substance use: alcohol, Similar We are both

smoking, drugs Different I am whereas you are
Similar We are both
Physical health
Different I am whereas you are
Similar We are both
Mental health
Different I am whereas you are
Similar We are both
Fidelity/faithfulness
Different I am whereas you are
Similar We are both
Jealousy
Different I am whereas you are
Similar We are both
Aggression
Different I am whereas you are
Similar We are both
Other
Different I am whereas you are
Being  effective

Goals  
• Know  your  own  mind:  ask  'What  do  I
want?'
• Be  pracFcal:  ask  'What  would  I  need  to
do  to  get  the  outcome  I  want?'

Self-­‐respect   RelaFonship  
• Balance  immediate  goals  with
• Maintain  your  dignity  and  
the  long-­‐term  future  of  the
integrity:  ask  'How  do  I  want  to  
relaFonship:  ask  'How  do  I  want
feel  about  myself  aKer  this  
my  partner  to  feel  about  me?'
interacFon?'  
• Be  pracFcal:  ask  'How  do  I  need  
• Be  pracFcal:  ask  'How  should  I  
to  behave  so  that  my  partner  
conduct  myself  to  feel  that  
conFnues  to  like  and  respect  
way?'  
me?'  

Andrew  Grimmer  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  based  on  Interpersonal  Effectiveness  Skills  Training  

Improving*my*relationship*by*being*the*best*partner*I*can*be*
'
For'the'good'of'the'relationship'and'for'the'sake'of'my'partner'and'others'that'I'love;'
For'my'own'well>being'and'integrity,'I'will'strive'to'be'the'best'partner'I'can'be'
'
Task'one:'facing'up'to'myself'
Write'down'all'the'things'about'your'current'behaviour'as'a'partner'that'could'be'unsatisfactory,'
hurtful'and/or'wrong:'
'

Task'two:'improving'my'actions'
Write'down'all'the'things'that'you'would'like'to'see'yourself'doing'if'your'relationship'were'all'that'
it'could'be:'
'

Task'three:'route>finding'
Identify'all'the'obstacles'that'are'potentially'within'your'control'that'could'get'in'the'way'of'doing'
the'things'you'would'like'to'do'to'be'the'best'partner'you'could'be'i.e.'things'that'could'prevent'
you'from'getting'started'or'could'derail'you'once'you'have'begun:'
'

Task'four:'problem>solving'
Identify'all'the'helpful'strategies'that'you'could'use'to'tackle'these'obstacles:'
'

Task'five:''
Combine'tasks'three'and'four'by'writing'down'your'intentions'in'the'form''If'(obstacle'occurs)'then'
(strategy'I'will'use)''E.g.'"If'I'forget'to'tell'my'partner'I'am'grateful'for'their'help'on'an'important'
project'then'I'will'buy'them'a'thank'you'card'in'my'next'lunch'hour"'or'"If'I'don't'feel'like'doing'a'
job'I'have'said'I'will'do'at'the'time'I'agreed'to'do'it'then'I'will'remind'myself'why'this'is'important'
to'my'partner,'to'the'relationship'and'to'me":'
'

Andrew'Grimmer'www.bristolcbt.co.uk'
Blue print for change - couples

• What have we learned in therapy about our problems?

• What changes have we made?

• What are our areas of vulnerability?

• What do we need to do to work on our vulnerabilities?

• What should we do if we have a setback?

• What strengths have we got?

Andrew  Grimmer,  2013:  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  

Caring  Behaviours  chart  for__________________________
Make  a  list  of  10  simple,  inexpensive  things  that  you  could  do  for  your  partner  through  the  week  for  the  sake  of  the  relationship.  Choose  to  do  
1  or  2  each  day  for  the  next  week  and  mark  off  which  caring  behaviours  you  do  on  which  day.  

Simple,  inexpensive  things  I  could  do  that  would  make  my  partner  

Wed  
Mon  

Thu  
Tue  

Sun  
Sat  
Fri  
feel  cared  about…  

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Andrew  Grimmer,  2013:  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  
Caring  behaviours:  instructions  for  couples  (based  on  Jacobson  and  Christensen,  1996)  

Relationships  don’t  take  care  of  themselves.  They  need  time,  care  and  attention.  This  exercise  is  designed  
to  help  you  both  do  some  simple  relationship  maintenance  by  increasing  the  number  of  positive  
interactions  between  you  to  improve  the  way  that  you  feel  about  each  other  on  a  day-­‐to-­‐day  basis.  The  
exercise  is  in  three  parts  that  we  will  carry  out  over  the  next  few  sessions.  The  work  will  involve  both  of  you  
doing  things  at  home,  and  then  discussing  these  activities  in  counselling.  

Part  1  

Between  now  and  our  next  session  I  would  like  each  of  you  to  come  up  with  10  things  that  would  increase  
the  day-­‐to-­‐day  happiness  of  your  partner.  Make  the  actions  you  choose  simple,  low  cost  (in  time  and  
money)  and  meaningful  to  your  partner.  Your  list  could  consist  of  a  mixture  of  things  that  you  already  do  
that  you  think  it  would  help  to  do  more  often,  things  you  used  to  do  that  it  would  be  nice  to  start  doing  
again,  or  entirely  new  ideas.  Try  to  be  specific,  so  that  your  partner  can  easily  identify  the  actions  when  
they  are  performed.  Do  not  attempt  to  put  any  items  on  your  list  into  action  before  we  meet  again.    

Do  not  discuss  your  lists  before  the  next  session  but  do  bring  them  with  you.  

Part  2  

At  the  next  session  I  will  talk  through  your  list  with  each  of  you  in  turn.  This  is  to  clarify  each  item  and  to  
make  sure  that  the  tasks  you  have  chosen  are  specific,  acceptable  and  manageable.  Whilst  I  am  going  
through  your  partner’s  list  with  them  I  would  ask  you  please  to  remain  silent  and  not  show  any  signs  of  
how  you  feel  about  any  of  the  proposed  caring  behaviours.  This  exercise  is  designed  to  give  each  of  you  a  
chance  to  think  about  what  you  could  do  for  each  other.  We  don’t  expect  to  get  everything  right  straight  
away  so  it’s  best  not  to  pour  cold  water  on  an  idea  before  it’s  had  a  chance  to  succeed.  

After  going  through  your  lists  I  would  like  each  of  you  to  choose  one  or  more  items  to  carry  out.  You  are  
under  no  obligation  to  pick  any  particular  item,  but  don’t  pick  an  item  that  will  be  too  difficult  for  you  to  do  
at  this  stage.  
• Don’t  tell  the  other  person  what  you  have  chosen.
• Carry  out  the  item  and  observe  your  partner’s  reaction  to  these  changes  in  your  behaviour.
• Bring  your  lists  back  to  the  next  session  and  we  will  discuss  how  things  went.

Part  3  

In  the  next  session  I  will  ask  you  both  to  discuss  how  the  exercise  went.  Specifically  I  would  like  us  to  find  
out:  
1. Which  items  did  you  attempt?
2. Which  ones  did  your  partner  notice?
3. Which  ones  left  you  feeling  more  cared  about  or  connected?
4. How  costly  it  was  for  you  to  carry  out  your  caring  behaviours?

Next  I  will  ask  each  of  you  to  comment  on  other’s  list,  and  to  say  whether  each  of  the  attempted  tasks  was:  
• A  “keeper”
• Minor,  but  still  pleasing
• Off  the  mark

Finally  I  will  ask  each  of  you  to  suggest  items  for  the  other  to  add  to  their  list.  Each  of  you  adds  the  extra  
items  but  is  not  under  any  obligation  to  perform  any  particular  one.  This  information  should  help  you  
decide  which  caring  behaviours  to  choose  over  the  next  few  weeks.  I  will  then  ask  you  to  try  the  exercise  
again  taking  into  account  this  new  information.  At  the  next  session  we  will  again  check  how  much  this  has  
helped  you  both  feel  more  cared  about  and  connected.  

Andrew  Grimmer  2014  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  

Companionship  activities  chart
Make  a  list  together  of  10  simple,  inexpensive  activities  that  you  could  do  as  a  couple  that  would  improve  the  relationship.  Choose  to  do  1  or  2  
each  week  and  make  a  note  of  each  day  in  which  you  do  one  of  these  activities  together.  

Simple,  inexpensive  activities  we  could  do  together  that  we  

Wed  
Mon  

Thu  
Tue  

Sun  
Sat  
Fri  
would  enjoy:  
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Andrew  Grimmer,  2013:  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  
How  does  couple  therapy  help?  

There  are  a  number  of  different  evidence-­‐based  approaches  to  helping  couples  overcome  their  
problems.  It  has  been  suggested  by  Benson  et  al  (2012)  that  all  these  approaches  focus  on  change  in  
five  areas.  It  might  be  useful  for  you  to  think  about  these  five  areas  so  that  you  give  yourself  the  best  
chance  of  making  couple  therapy  helpful.  

1) Altering  your  view  of  the  relationship:  from  blame  to  shared  responsibility

Many  couples  come  to  therapy  seeing  the  problem  being  their  partner.  Each  member  of  the  couple  
seems  to  be  thinking  ‘If  only  you’d  see  things  my  way,  we’d  get  along  fine’.  If  you  can  learn  to  see  
your  problems  as  coming  from  two  different  but  equally  valid  perspectives  then  it  can  be  easier  to  see  
the  best  in  your  partner.  

2) Changing  unhelpful  behaviour:  from  attack  and  defend  to  collaboration  and  compromise

When  couples  are  unhappy  it  usually  leads  to  unhelpful  behaviour,  for  example  trying  to  persuade  
your  partner  to  change  the  way  they  behave  or  think.  Unfortunately,  the  more  you  try  to  get  your  
partner  to  change  they  more  they  are  likely  to  resist  and  push  back  at  you.  The  result  is  often  
frustration,  anger  and  hopelessness.  It  can  be  useful  to  remember  that  the  only  person  you  can  
change  is  yourself.  If  you  can  both  learn  to  give  a  little  you'll  both  get  more  of  what  you  want.  

3) Opening  up:  from  turning  away  to  turning  towards

When  relationships  go  wrong  couples  often  shut  down  to  each  other.  When  people  don’t  feel  safe  to  
share  their  more  vulnerable  feelings,  or  their  hopes  and  fears,  it  prevents  intimacy  developing.  That  
can  make  a  relationship  feel  empty,  lonely  and  loveless.  You  might  find  you  are  more  focused  on  just  
getting  through  each  day  rather  than  the  qualities  that  brought  you  together  in  the  first  place.  If  you  
can  share  your  thoughts  and  feelings  in  a  caring  way  you'll  feel  closer  to  each  other.  

4) Changing  the  way  we  communicate:  from  'you  make  me…'  to  'I  think  and  feel…'

Along  with  the  struggle  to  change  your  partner,  and  the  frustration  that  results  when  your  best  efforts  
seem  to  come  to  nothing  or  backfire  on  you,  it  is  usually  the  case  that  couples  feel  that  they  are  not  
communicating  very  well.  This  can  be  communication  about  both  the  big  and  little  things  in  life.  
Paying  attention  to  what  your  partner  is  trying  to  tell  you  is  an  important  part  of  each  of  you  both  
getting  your  needs  met.  

5) Strengths:  from  individual  weakness  to  collective  empowerment

You  have  somehow  made  it  this  far  and  that's  because  you  have  some  important  strengths  and  
resources  that  you're  drawing  on  to  keep  you  both  going.  If  you  can  identify  what  you  like  and  
appreciate  about  your  partner,  what  you  think  that  each  of  you  is  good  at,  and  what  has  made  you  a  
good  partnership,  then  you  could  identify  some  real  strengths  to  help  you  through  difficult  times.  

Andrew  Grimmer,  2014  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  

Reflections:  thinking  about  our  relationship  

1) What  have  I  learned  about  me,  you,  or  us,  that  is  helpful?

2) What  have  I  been  doing  that  isn't  helping  us  that  I  would  like  to  change?

3) What  thoughts  and  feelings  would  it  help  for  me  to  share  more  often?

4) What  do  I  need  to  do  to  improve  the  way  I  communicate  with  you?

5) What  strengths  have  I  noticed  about  me,  you,  and  us?

Andrew  Grimmer,  2014  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  

Revitalizing  and  Maintaining  Sexual  Desire  

3rd gear: playful touching which mixes

1st gear: clothes on, affectionate touch
(holding hands, kissing, hugging)
genital and non-genital touching, clothed
or unclothed, romantic or erotic dancing, 5th gear: integrating pleasurable and
touching in the bath or shower, on the erotic touch, which flows into intercourse
couch or in bed, whole body massage,
playing strip poker or Twister

1 3 5

2 4 R
4 R

2nd gear: non-genital, sensual touch,

which can be clothed, semi-clothed, or
nude (non-genital body massage,
cuddling on the couch, holding and
caressing, touching going to sleep or
on awakening)
4th gear: erotic touching (manual, oral,
Reverse: declining, rebuffing or not
rubbing, or vibrator stimulation) to high
responding to invitations to physical and
arousal and orgasm for one or both
sexual intimacy, pleasuring and eroticism
partners

Andrew  Grimmer  www.bristolcbt.co.uk:  based  on  McCarthy  and  McCarthy  (2003)  Rekindling  Desire  
Getting'to'know'your'partner'as'a'sexual'person:'take'it'in'turn'to'ask'each'other'the'
following'questions'–'write'down'what'your'partner'says'so'that'you'can'remember'it.'
'
Domain' What'my'partner'thinks'and'feels'

Heart:'the'domain'of' '
intimacy'–'how'does'it'make'
you'feel'to'be'emotionally'
close'to'a'sexual'partner;'
what'makes'you'feel'close,'
connected'and'loved?'What'
could'upset'you'sexually'or'
leave'you'feeling'distant?'

Body:'the'domain'of' '
sensuality'–'what'sort'of'
touch'do'you'find'
pleasurable'–'where'and'
how'do'you'like'to'be'
touched?'What'sorts'of'
touch'could'be'unpleasant'or'
offFlimits'for'you?'

'
Hands:'the'domain'of'action'
–'what'sorts'of'things'do'you'
like'to'do'that'bring'you'and'
your'partner'pleasure?'What'
sorts'of'activities'could'be'
unpleasant'or'offFlimits'for'
you?'

Setting:'the'domain'of' '
experience'–'what'sorts'of'
settings'do'you'enjoy?'
Where'do'you'prefer'to'
make'love?'What'sorts'of'
situations'could'be'
unpleasant'or'offFlimits'for'
you?'

'

Head:'the'domain'of'
eroticism'and'fantasy'–'what'
scenarios'turn'you'on?'What'
scenarios'are'not'erotic'for'
you'or'could'leave'you'cold?'

Andrew'Grimmer'www.bristolcbt.co.uk'
 I"hope,"I"want,"I"need…"

' Value:'what'important'value'or' Evidence:'how'would'you'know'that' Meaning:'why'is'this'value'or'principle' Values'

principle'does'this'express?' this'is'happening?' important'to'you?' Achievement'
Appreciation'
E.g.$I$hope$we$can$always$be$friends$ We$would$take$time$each$day$to$talk$to$each$ When$I$was$younger$everyone$was$too$busy$to$
Being'nonA
(companionship)$ other$about$how$our$day$has$been$ take$much$interest$in$me,$that’s$why$I$really$ judgemental'
value$it$now$
Care'
CoAoperation'
I'hope…' Commitment'
Companionship'
Compassion'
Connectedness'
Courage'
Creativity'
E.g.$I$want$you$to$take$care$of$your$health$ You$would$go$for$your$regular$check$up$at$the$ I$want$us$both$to$live$long$and$healthy$lives$so$ Curiosity'
(wellbeing)$ GP$$ we$can$be$there$for$each$other$in$the$long$run$ Faith/spirituality'
Faithfulness/fidelity'
Honesty'
I'want…' Hope'
Humility'
Intelligence'
Kindness'
Love'
Making'a'
contribution'
E.g.$I$need$you$to$be$faithful$(fidelity)$ I$would$be$your$only$sexually$and$emotionally$ Our$ability$to$trust$each$other$is$the$
Patience'
intimate$partner$–$you$would$never$have$an$ foundation$of$our$relationship$F$I$would$be$
affair$ devastated$if$you$betrayed$that$ Persistence'
Respect'
Responsibility'
I'need…' Simplicity'
Thoughtfulness'
Tolerance'
Trust'
Understanding'

Andrew'Grimmer'www.bristolcbt.co.uk'
 Assets/strengths:'complementary'roles,'division'of'tasks'

I'am'good'at…' ' You'are'good'at…'

Individual'differences'

Deficits/weaknesses:'vulnerability'to'change'

I'am'not'so'good'at…' ' You'are'not'so'good'at…'

Assets/strengths:'symmetrical'roles,'shared'tasks'

Both'of'us'are'good'at…'
Couple'similarities'

Deficits/weaknesses:'need'for'support'or'personal'development'

Neither'of'us'is'so'good'at…'

Andrew'Grimmer'www.bristolcbt.co.uk'
Getting to know each other’s world

Set aside15-20 minutes without interruption (turn off phones, TV etc). Taking it in turns,
choose a question about yourself to ask your partner. When it’s your turn to ask it’s best
not to try to catch out your partner – have a sense of curiosity. If your partner doesn’t know
the answer, or after they’ve answered there’s something you’d like to add, tell them –
educate, don’t criticise. You don’t have to ask each other the same questions. Ask each
other three questions at most each time you do this exercise.

1. Who are my two closest friends and why?

2. Where was I born and brought up?
3. What is my favourite piece of music, band or instrument?
4. What is my biggest stress at the moment, apart from our relationship?
5. What was I wearing when we first met?
6. What did I do during the day yesterday?
7. What are my favourite hobbies?
8. When is my birthday?
9. What date is our anniversary?
10. What is the worst thing I can imagine happening to me?
11. Who is my favourite relative?
12. What is my favourite time and place for making love?
13. What is my fondest dream, as yet unachieved?
14. What makes me feel most competent?
15. What is my favourite flower, plant or tree?
16. What is one thing that turns me on sexually?
17. What is my favourite meal?
18. What kind of present would I like best?
19. What is my favourite way to spend an evening?
20. What was one of my best childhood experiences?
21. What is my favourite colour?
22. What was my favourite holiday that the two of us have been on?
23. What personal improvements do I want to make?
24. What is one of my favourite ways of being soothed?
25. Who is my greatest source of support, outside of our relationship?
26. What is one of my favourite weekend activities?
27. What is my favourite sport to watch?
28. What is my favourite place to get away from it all?
29. What is my favourite sport to play?
30. What is one of my favourite films or TV programmes?
31. What do I most like to do with time off?
32. What is an important event that’s coming up in my life and how do I feel about it?
Adapted  from  Gottman  &  Gottman  2000-­‐2011.  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  
33. What is my favourite form of exercise?
34. Who is a major rival or enemy of mine?
35. What is my favourite scent, smell or perfume?
36. What would be my ideal job?
37. Who was my best friend in childhood?
38. What is my biggest fear?
39. What is one of my favourite magazines or newspapers?
40. Who is my least favourite relative?
41. What is my favourite kind of holiday?
42. Which is my favourite side of the bed?
43. What is my favourite time of year and why?
44. What am I currently most sad about?
45. What am I reading at the moment and how am I enjoying it?
46. What am I currently most worried about, apart from our relationship?
47. What is my favourite book or story from childhood?
48. What medical problems do I worry about?
49. What was one of my worst childhood experiences?
50. Who are the public figures that I most envy, resent or dislike?
51. Who are the people I know that I most admire?
52. Who is my least favourite person that we both know?
53. Who are the people I know that I most envy?
54. What is one of my favourite desserts?
55. Who are the public figures that I most admire?
56. What is my favourite photo, painting or other work of art?
57. What is my favourite restaurant?
58. What is my favourite type of animal?
59. What is my secret dream or ambition?
60. What pets did I have as a child?
61. What foods do I dislike intensely?
62. When I was a child, what did I want to be when I grew up?
63. What is my favourite song?
64. Who would I most want to be cast away with on a desert island (apart from you)?
65. What is the loss or bereavement that has had the biggest impact on me?
66. What do I most like about myself?
67. What do I hope to be doing in five years time?
68. Which part of my body am I most sensitive about or unhappy with?
69. Where do I want to go on our next holiday?
70. What did I most like about you when we first met?
71. What do I most like, admire or respect about you?
72. What do I think is your best feature?

Adapted  from  Gottman  &  Gottman  2000-­‐2011.  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  

Managing  difficult  feelings  
 
Positive  purpose  
 
If  your  behaviour  when  you’re  upset  were  to  serve  a  positive  purpose,  what  might  that  be?  
 
• To  help  someone  to  know  what  you’re  feeling  
• To  stop  you  both  from  dealing  with  something  that’s  too  painful  to  cope  with  
• To  stop  you  from  behaving  in  a  way  that  would  be  worse  
• To  stop  you  from  behaving  in  a  way  that  reminds  you  of  someone  else  
• To  help  you  hold  on  to  your  fragile  feelings  about  yourself  as  good  or  worthwhile    
• To  communicate  feelings  you’re  scared  to  express  directly  
• To  help  your  partner  to  know  how  to  help  you  
• To  help  or  encourage  your  partner  or  someone  else  (e.g.  a  child)  
• To  help  you  feel  in  the  right  or  to  justify  yourself  
• To  fulfil  or  pursue  an  important  principle  (e.g.  justice  or  fairness)  
• To  get  help  you  can’t  ask  for  directly  
• To  reassure  yourself  that  you’re  lovable  
• To  protect  or  take  responsibility  for  something  or  someone  
• To  provoke  a  positive  response  in  someone  
 
Repeating  past  relationships  
 
When  you  have  strong  negative  feelings  about  your  partner  or  yourself,  what  other  times  in  
your  life,  or  other  situations,  do  those  feelings  remind  you  of?  
 
• When  you  were  a  child  
• When  you  were  in  a  previous  relationship  
• Your  parents’  or  grandparents’  relationship  
• Your  relationship  with  siblings  
• Your  time  at  school    
• Your  earlier  friendships  
 
Disowning  feelings  
 
When  you  disown  or  suppress  your  feelings,  or  react  strongly  to  other  people  expressing  strong  
feelings,  why  might  that  be  important  for  you  to  do?  
 
• To  stop  you  from  embarrassing  yourself  
• To  stop  you  from  feeling  overwhelmingly  sad,  guilty,  anxious,  angry,  ashamed,  jealous  
or  envious  
• To  stop  you  from  feeling  something  positive  that  you  distrust  or  think  won’t  last  
• To  stop  you  being  reminded  of  a  time  or  of  events  that  are  too  painful  to  remember  
• To  avoid  expressing  needs  that  you  don’t  think  will  get  met  
• To  avoid  expressing  needs  that  you  think  you  don’t  deserve  
• To  avoid  becoming  someone  you’re  frightened  to  be  
• To  avoid  having  to  be  someone  you  don’t  think  you  can  sustain  
• To  avoid  committing  to  something  you’re  doubtful  about  
• To  avoid  having  to  change  in  ways  that  are  uncomfortable  or  intolerable  
• To  prevent  you  looking  weak  
• To  prevent  you  looking  strong  or  overbearing  
• To  stop  you  doing  something  you  might  regret  
 

Andrew  Grimmer  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  adapted  from  Middelberg,  C.  V.  (2001).  Projective  identification  in  common  couple  dances  
Managing  stress  together:  Guy  Bodenmann’s  ‘3  Phase  Method’  

The  following  exercise  is  based  on  Guy  Bodenmann’s  3  Phase  Method  of  couple  coping.  It  is  
designed  to  help  you  to  find  ways  to  support  each  other  to  cope  with  the  stresses  and  strains  of  
life  and  therefore  to  improve  your  relationship.  

Before  beginning  the  exercise  it  is  worth  recognising  that  stresses  come  in  different  forms.  Some  
stress  is  internal  to  the  relationship,  that  is,  it  relates  to  things  that  one  partner  either  does,  or  
doesn’t  do,  that  the  other  finds  stressful.  Other  stresses  are  external,  that  is,  they  come  from  
outside  your  immediate  relationship.  An  example  of  an  internal  stress  is  resentment  at  someone  
not  contributing  to  household  chores.  An  external  stress  might  relate  to  work  or  to  other  family  
members.  How  your  partner  manages  an  external  stress  might  become  an  internal  stress  if  it  
directly  affects  the  relationship.  

Stresses  can  be  acute,  that  is  they  arrive  suddenly  and  often  unexpectedly,  or  chronic,  that  is,  they  
persist  for  a  long  time.  An  acute  stress  might  be  an  unexpected  redundancy;  a  chronic  stress  in  
contrast  could  be  long-­‐term  doubt  and  uncertainty  over  the  future  of  a  job.  

Stresses  can  also  be  major,  that  is  they  have  a  dramatic  impact  and  far-­‐reaching  consequences,  or  
they  can  be  minor,  what  we  might  call  daily  hassles.  A  major  stress  might  be  losing  your  house,  
whereas  more  minor  stresses  might  include  daily  child-­‐care  issues  or  a  chronic  health  complaint.  

The  ways  couples  cope  with  stress  can  be  positive  or  negative.  

Positive  couple  coping  strategies  can  be  supportive,  for  example  offering  practical  help,  emotional  
support,  giving  encouragement  or  expressing  solidarity;  common,  for  example  joint  problem-­‐
solving,  joint  information  seeking,  sharing  of  feelings,  mutual  commitment,  or  relaxing  together;  
and/or  delegated,  for  example  where  one  partner  takes  over  a  new  task  or  role  to  support  the  
other  partner.  

Negative  coping  strategies  can  be  hostile,  for  example  support  that  is  accompanied  by  
disparagement,  distancing,  mocking,  sarcasm,  an  open  lack  of  interest,  or  that  minimises  the  
seriousness  of  the  partner’s  stress;  ambivalent,  when  one  partner  supports  the  other  unwillingly  
or  with  the  attitude  that  his  or  her  contribution  should  be  unnecessary,  and/or  superficial,  for  
example  support  that  is  insincere,  such  as  asking  questions  about  the  partner’s  feelings  without  
listening,  or  supporting  the  partner  without  empathy.  

The  ways  that  couples  react  to  stress  can  vary  according  to  the  type  of  stress.  For  example  an  
acute,  major  stress,  such  as  the  death  of  a  child,  can  either  break  apart  a  couple  or  bring  them  
closer  together,  depending  on  how  they  deal  with  the  tragedy.  

For  many  couples  it  is  the  minor,  chronic  stresses,  or  daily  hassles,  that  can  grind  down  a  
relationship.  When  couples  cope  poorly  with  these  types  of  stresses  it  can  lead  over  time  to  a  
reduction  in  positive,  caring  behaviours  and  an  increase  in  expressions  of  anger  or  withdrawal.  The  
consequences  can  be  to  lose  a  sense  of  warmth  and  togetherness,  and  instead  to  feel  resentment,  
isolation,  and  loneliness  that  can  culminate  in  separation.  

The  following  exercise  is  designed  to  help  couples  learn  to  deal  collaboratively  with  chronic,  minor  
stresses  through  providing  each  other  with  support  and  encouragement.  In  turn  that  makes  life’s  
hassles  feel  more  manageable  and  less  overwhelming  because  you  don’t  feel  that  you  have  to  deal  
with  them  on  your  own.  

Andrew  Grimmer  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  

 The  3-­‐phase  method  of  offering  support  

Guy  Boddenman  describes  a  3-­‐phase  method  of  offering  support.  Each  partner  takes  it  in  turn  to  
take  either  the  confiding  role  or  the  supportive  role.  

Exploration  

In  this  first  phase  the  confiding  partner  identifies  a  minor  stressful  experience  that  happened  
outside  the  relationship  (i.e.  something  that’s  not  about  your  partner).  

Taking  about  15-­‐30  minutes  the  confiding  partner  then  tells  the  supportive  partner  about  the  
experience  following  three  guidelines:  

• Describe  the  concrete  aspects  of  the  situation  (what  happened)  

• Focus  on  the  thoughts  and  emotions  you  felt  at  the  time  and  afterwards  
• Try  to  understand  why  the  situation  was  so  stressful  i.e.  what  was  it  about  it  that  touched  a  raw  
nerve.  

The  supportive  partner  listens  to  the  confiding  partner  following  three  guidelines  of  his  or  her  
own:  

• Listen  actively,  pay  attention,  use  body  language  that  shows  you  are  paying  attention  
• Summarise  important  issues  to  show  that  you  have  understood  
• Ask  open-­‐ended  questions  to  get  more  information  about  the  effect  of  the  stressful  event  e.g.  
what  was  it  about  it  that  made  you  feel  so  upset?  

Support  

In  this  second  phase  lasting  about  10  minutes  the  supportive  partner  offers  more  direct  support  
through:  

• Offering  emotional  support  in  the  form  of  empathy  (e.g.  ‘that  sounds  awful’),  understanding  (e.g.  
‘I  can  see  why  that  got  to  you  at  that  time’),  and  reframing  (e.g.  ‘I  wonder  whether  there’s  another  
way  of  looking  at  the  situation?’)  
• Offering  practical  support,  if  appropriate  (e.g.  is  there  anything  I  can  do  that  would  help?’)  

Feedback  

In  the  third  phase,  lasting  about  5  minutes,  the  confiding  partner  tells  the  supportive  partner:  

• How  satisfied  he  or  she  was  with  the  support  that  was  offered  
• What  else  would  have  been  needed  to  feel  better  and  to  cope  more  effectively  with  the  stressful  
situation  

At  the  end  of  phase  3  the  partners  swap  roles  and  go  through  the  three  phases  again.  

References  
Bodenmann,  G.,  &  Randall,  A.  K.  (2012).  Common  factors  in  the  enhancement  of  dyadic  coping.  Behavior  therapy,  
43(1),  88-­‐98.  
Bodenmann,  G.,  &  Shantinath,  S.  D.  (2004).  The  Couples  Coping  Enhancement  Training  (CCET):  A  new  approach  to  
prevention  of  marital  distress  based  upon  stress  and  coping*.  Family  Relations,  53(5),  477-­‐484.  
Randall,  A.  K.,  &  Bodenmann,  G.  (2009).  The  role  of  stress  on  close  relationships  and  marital  satisfaction.  Clinical  
psychology  review,  29(2),  105-­‐115.  
Andrew  Grimmer  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  
My  area  of  vulnerability  is…  
 
When  I  was  younger  I  had  the  experience  of...  
 
This  made  me  feel...  
 
Because  of  this  experience  I  came  to  think  of  myself  as...  
 
Because  of  this  experience  I  came  to  think  of  others  as...  
 
I  learned  that  if  people  ___________  then  I  should…  
 
I  learned  that  if  I    ___________  then  people  would…  
 
Some  of  the  things  I  would  do  were...  
 
More  and  more  this  made  me...  
 
The  best  things  about  this  way  of  coping  were...  
 
The  worst  things  about  how  I  learned  to  cope  were...  
 
My  vulnerability  is  triggered  when  I  see  you...  
 
It's  as  if  you  were...  
 
It's  as  if  I  were...  
 
It  makes  me  feel...  
 
Even  though  I  know  it  can  be  unhelpful  the  behaviour  you  see  from  me  is...  
 
Instead,  I  wish  I  could...  
 
I  realise  that  I  am  going  to  have  to...  
 
I  would  really  appreciate  your  patience  and  understanding.  You  could  perhaps  help  
me  by...  
 
If  that's  not  always  possible  then  please  would  you...  
 
I  hope  that  this  will  help  us  by...  
 
Thank  you  for  listening  to  how  I  feel.  
  

Negative  behaviours  chart  

Things  I  do  that  I  think  my  partner  would  

Wed  
Mon  

Thu  
Tue  

Sun  
Sat  
Fri  
prefer  me  to  limit  or  stop  doing  altogether:  
1.                
2.                
3.                
4.                
5.                
6.                
7.                
8.                
9.                
10.                
 

Andrew  Grimmer  2013  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  

 Environment

Thoughts and Thoughts and

Perceptions Perceptions

Feelings Behaviour Behaviour Feelings

Physical self Physical self

and Motivation and Motivation

©  Andrew  Grimmer  2013  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  

 Environment

Thoughts and Thoughts and

Perceptions Perceptions

Feelings Behaviour Behaviour Feelings

Physical self Physical self

and Motivation and Motivation

©  Andrew  Grimmer  2013  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  

Problem-­‐solving  worksheet  for  couples  
 
Step:  takes  turns  to   Notes   Action  
answer  each  question  
What  is  the  problem?   Soften  your  opening  remarks:    
What  makes  it   start  with  something  positive  
important?   Be  brief  and  be  specific  
Express  how  the  problem  
makes  you  feel  
Acknowledge  your  own  role  in  
the  problem  
Deal  with  one  problem  at  a  
time  
Check  you’ve  understood  
Talk  about  what  you  observe  
What  possible  solutions   Focus  on  solutions,  not  causes    
could  we  try?   Solutions  should  involve  both  
of  you  –  be  willing  to  
compromise  
Be  creative  –  don’t  edit  or  
censor  at  this  stage  
Be  open  to  influence  
 
Pick  the  best  three     Solution  1   Solution  2   Solution  3  
What  are  the  pros  and   Pros   Pros   Pros  
cons  of  each  solution?        
Evaluate  the  possible        
benefits  and  costs  of  
Cons   Cons   Cons  
each  solution  for  
everyone  involved    
Circle  the  best  one    

What  is  our  action  plan?   Specify  the  who,  what,  when,    
What  order  do  actions   where  and  how  
need  to  occur  in?   Check  that  the  plan  really  is:  
• Agreeable  
• Going  to  be  done  
• Isn’t  going  to  leave  
either  of  you  angry  or  
resentful  
• Is  trialled  and  reviewed  
Evaluate  the  outcome:   Ask  each  other  how  well  the    
what  worked,  what   solution  met  the  needs  of  
didn’t,  what  do  we  do   everyone  involved  
next?   Make  and  receive  repair  
attempts  if  necessary  
Help  each  other  to  keep  calm  
by  not  raising  the  stakes  
Show  acceptance:  solve  the  
problem  don’t  try  to  change  
the  person  
 

www.bristolcbt.co.uk  
Processing  failed  bids  for  intimacy  and  connection:  part  one  –  The  Bidder  
 
Think  of  an  occasion  in  the  past  week  when  you  when  you  tried  to  communicate  or  connect  with  your  
partner  but  felt  rejected  or  in  some  way  unimportant  to  them:  
 
• What  had  happened  that  made  you  want  to  communicate?  For  example:  a  thought,  feeling,  or  
memory;  something  your  partner  did;  something  else  you  saw  or  heard  
 
• What  did  you  do  to  try  to  communicate  with  your  partner?  For  example:  spoke  to  them  (what  
did  you  say?);  used  touch  or  other  non-­‐verbal  communication  (what  did  you  do?)  
 
• How  did  your  partner  respond?  For  example:  what  did  they  say?  What  did  they  do?  
 
• What  do  you  think  your  partner  was  thinking  or  feeling  at  the  time?  For  example:  annoyed  or  
irritated;  preoccupied;  amused;  contemptuous;  something  else  
 
• What  did  it  mean  to  you  that  your  partner  behaved  they  way  they  did?  For  example:  about  
how  your  partner  feels  about  you  (e.g.  they  don’t  care  about  me);  about  how  you  see  yourself  
(e.g.  I  can  never  get  anything  right);  about  the  relationship  (e.g.  this  relationship  is  failing)  
 
• What  events  in  your  past  does  your  partner’s  behaviour  remind  you  of?  For  example:  at  home:  
with  parents,  siblings  or  other  family  members;  at  school  or  with  friends;  a  previous  
relationship  
 
• What  would  you  have  liked  your  partner  to  do  differently?  For  example:  paid  attention  to  me  
or  listened  respectfully;  helped  me  get  a  sense  of  perspective  or  work  out  a  solution  to  a  
problem;  communicated  non-­‐verbally  e.g.  smiled,  touched  me  or  held  me;  told  me  they  loved  
me  
 
• If  you  partner  had  behaved  differently,  what  would  that  have  meant  to  you?  For  example:  
about  how  your  partner  feels  about  you  (e.g.  that  they  respect  me);  about  how  you  see  
yourself  (e.g.  that  I’m  a  worthwhile  person);  about  the  relationship  (e.g.  that  we’re  good  
together)  
 
• How  would  you  like  your  partner  to  think  of  you?  For  example:  supportive;  attractive;  funny;  
considerate;  in  other  ways  
 
• What  was  your  part  in  this  failed  bid  for  connection  or  intimacy?  For  example:  I  chose  a  bad  
moment;  I  was  insensitive  to  my  partner’s  needs;  I  was  defensive;  I  read  too  much  into  my  
partner’s  behaviour;  my  reaction  was  unhelpful;  I  didn’t  own  my  feelings;  I  blamed  my  partner  
unreasonably  
 
• What  would  you  like  to  do  differently  in  the  future?  For  example:  ask  whether  now  is  a  good  
time  to  talk;  state  what  I  want  or  how  I  feel  more  directly;  be  more  subtle  or  sensitive  

Andrew  Grimmer  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  

Processing  failed  bids  for  intimacy  and  connection:  part  2  –  The  Responder  
 
Now  that  you  have  heard  your  partner’s  experience,  consider  how  you  responded  to  the  failed  bid  for  
connection  and  intimacy.  Don’t  blame  your  partner  or  try  to  justify  yourself:  
 
• What  were  you  doing  at  the  time  your  partner  tried  to  get  your  attention?  For  example:  
relaxing;  doing  a  task  or  chores;  working;  something  else  
 
• What  did  you  feel  at  the  time:  annoyed,  irritated  or  frustrated;  contemptuous  or  disgusted;  
something  else  
 
• What  went  through  your  mind?  For  example:  I  don’t  want  to  be  interrupted;  I  don’t  feel  like  
talking  right  now;  I’m  too  tired  
 
• How  did  you  respond?  For  example:  What  did  you  say?  What  did  you  do?  
 
• How  did  your  partner  respond?  For  example:  What  did  they  say?  What  did  they  do?  
 
• What  did  it  mean  to  you  that  your  partner  behaved  they  way  they  did?  For  example:  about  
how  your  partner  feels  about  you  (e.g.  they  don’t  care  about  me);  about  how  you  see  yourself  
(e.g.  I  can  never  get  anything  right);  about  the  relationship  (e.g.  this  relationship  is  failing)  
 
• What  events  in  your  past  does  your  partner’s  behaviour  remind  you  of?  For  example:  at  home:  
with  parents,  siblings  or  other  family  members;  at  school  or  with  friends;  a  previous  
relationship  
 
• What  would  you  have  liked  your  partner  to  do  differently?  For  example:  asked  me  if  it  was  a  
good  time;  accepted  that  I  didn’t  want  to  interact  right  then  and  left  me  alone;  something  else  
 
• If  you  partner  had  behaved  differently,  what  would  that  have  meant  to  you?  For  example:  
about  how  your  partner  feels  about  you  (e.g.  that  they  respect  me);  about  how  you  see  
yourself  (e.g.  that  I’m  a  worthwhile  person);  about  the  relationship  (e.g.  that  we’re  good  
together)  
 
• How  would  you  like  your  partner  to  think  of  you?  For  example:  supportive;  considerate;  
attractive;  funny;  in  other  ways  
 
• What  was  your  part  in  this  failed  bid  for  connection  or  intimacy?  For  example:  I  was  insensitive  
to  my  partner’s  needs;  I  was  defensive;  I  read  too  much  into  my  partner’s  behaviour;  my  
reaction  was  unhelpful;  I  didn’t  own  my  feelings;  I  blamed  my  partner  unreasonably  
 
• What  would  you  like  to  do  differently  in  the  future?  For  example:  ask  whether  it  would  be  OK  
to  talk  later  at  some  specified  time;  state  what  I  want  or  how  I  feel  more  directly;  be  more  
subtle  or  sensitive  

Andrew  Grimmer  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  

 Speaker  skills   Listener  skills  
   
1. Talk  from  your  own  perspective  (sometimes  called  “I”   1. Active  listening  –  attend  
statements)    
  Active  listening  means  to  pay  full  attention  to  your  partner  and  to  
Talk  about  your  own  thoughts,  feelings,  hopes  and  needs.  Talk  about   show  your  interest  by  making  brief  comments  or  asking  short  
yourself  (use  “I”)  and  avoid  you-­‐statements.  Avoid  making  “I”   questions  to  clarify  what’s  being  said.  Nod  and  look  at  your  partner.  
statements  that  are  actually  demands,  criticisms  or  accusations.   Avoid  making  any  non-­‐verbal  gestures  that  could  suggest  either  a  
  lack  of  interest  or  disagreement  with  what’s  being  said.  
2. Self-­‐disclose  feelings    
  2. Paraphrase  
Try  to  open  up  emotionally  and  communicate  what  you  feel.    
Disclose  your  feelings  directly  using  simple  words  to  describe  your   Give  your  partner  feedback  that  shows  you’ve  paid  attention  to  
underlying  feelings  (sadness,  regret,  anxiety,  envy,  guilt,  shame,   what’s  been  said  and  that  you’ve  understood  its  importance  to  
jealousy,  hurt  etc.)  Describe  your  wants  and  needs  directly  in  the   them.  Paraphrase  or  summarize  in  your  own  words  what  your  
knowledge  that  these  are  requests  not  rights.   partner  just  said,  especially  what  they  said  about  their  feelings.    
   
3. Discuss  specific  situations  and  behaviours  (clear  and  concrete)   3. Open-­‐ended  questions  
   
Talk  about  specific  situations  and  behaviours.  Avoid  generalizations   If  you’re  not  sure  how  your  partner  thinks  or  feels  ask  open-­‐ended  
(“always,  never”)  and  comments  on  the  character  of  your  partner   questions.  Ask  ‘who,  what,  where,  when,  and  why’  questions,  rather  
(personality  attributes)   than  questions  that  can  be  answered  only  with  a  ‘yes’  or  ‘no’  
  answer.  Follow  up  with,  “is  there  more”,  to  extend  the  discussion.  
4. Stay  with  the  here  and  now    
  4. Defusing  &  admitting  
Stick  to  the  subject  you’re  discussing.  Don’t  ransack  the  family  chest    
of  grievances  or  pull  old  hurts  from  the  past.  When  you  feel  like   If  your  partner  makes  a  criticism  or  complaint  about  something  they  
doing  so  it’s  likely  you’re  starting  to  feel  defensive,  to  win  an   think  you’ve  done,  or  haven’t  done  and  should  have  done,  or  that  
argument,  maintain  a  position  of  self-­‐righteousness  or  justify  how   hurt  or  wounded  them,  there’s  probably  some  truth  in  what  they’re  
you  feel  or  behaved.  These  are  all  self-­‐defeating  and  keep  you  stuck   saying.  This  makes  us  feel  guilty  and  ashamed.  Pause.  Notice  your  
in  your  mutual  trap  of  pain  and  resentment   emotional  state  and  whatever  urges  you’re  experiencing  to  retaliate  
  or  defend  yourself.  Acknowledge  openly  and  apologise  sincerely  for  
  any  part  you  had  to  play  in  how  they  felt.  Avoid  at  all  costs  ending  
  your  apology  with  the  word  “but”.  Ask  what  you  can  do  to  help.  

Andrew  Grimmer  2013:  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  

 The  Empowerment  Dynamic  (David  Emerald)  versus  the  Drama  Triangle  (Stephen  Karpman)  
 
 
 

Creator  
Discovering  and  pusrsuing  
what  you  truly  want  

Empowerment  
Dynamic:  
Passion-­‐based  
Outcome-­‐focused  

Challenger   Coach  
Giving  feedback   Empowering  others  by  
construcBvely  and   helping  them  to  help  
empathically   themselves  

Persecutor  
Rescuer  
BeliDling,  distracBng,  
Making  others  dependent  
avoiding  or  playing  mind  
or  boosBng  your  ego  
games  

Drama  Triangle:  
Anxiety-­‐based  
Problem-­‐focused  

Vic3m  
Seeking  validaBon  for  how  
awful  people  are  to  you  

Andrew  Grimmer  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  

Theory A and Theory B: for couples

Theory A: “one of us is the problem and should change” Theory B: “we have a problem and we need to change”

How is one of us the problem? How are we the problem – what’s our vicious cycle?

Partner A

Partner B

What is the evidence for Theory A? What is the evidence for Theory B?

Partner A

Partner B

What should we do if Theory A is true? What should we do if Theory B is true?

Andrew  Grimmer,  2013:  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  

Values  list  
 
  Not  especially   Quite  important  to   Very  important  to  
important  to  me   me   me  
Respect        
Tolerance        
Responsibility        
Faithfulness/fidelity        
Thoughtfulness        
Companionship        
Hope        
Love        
Patience        
Courage        
Care        
Appreciation        
Humility        
Honesty        
Simplicity        
Understanding        
Trust        
Co-­‐operation        
Faith/spirituality        
Kindness        
Compassion        
Intelligence        
Making  a  contribution        
Creativity        
Curiosity        
Persistence        
Achievement        
Being  non-­‐judgemental        
Connectedness        
Commitment        
       
       
       
 

Andrew  Grimmer  www.bristolcbt.co.uk  

 Who$does$what?'
'
The'following'words'describe'some'of'the'tasks'that'couples'divide'between'them'in'their'day@to@
day'lives.'Not'all'of'them'will'apply'to'you'and'there'are'some'blank'boxes'for'you'to'add'your'
own.'
'
Print'and'cut'out'the'words'and'spread'them'out'in'front'of'you'both.'Print'out'the'other'page'
with'the'line'on'it'(or'draw'your'own)'–'fill'in'your'names'at'each'end'of'the'line.''
'
1) Choose'a'topic'together'and'decide'who’s'going'to'go'first'
2) First'partner:'choose'a'word'that’s'important'to'you'and'place'it'on'the'line'depending'on'
who'you'think'most'often'takes'responsibility'for'the'task.'If'the'word'is'placed'at'one'end,'it'
means'you'think'that'person'does'that'task'all'of'the'time,'If'it's'in'the'middle,'it'means'you'
think'it'is'shared'50:50,'if'it’s'somewhere'in'between'the'middle'and'one'side'it'means'that'
one'person'tends'to'take'more'responsibility'for'that'task.''
3) First'person:'tell'your'partner'why'the'word'is'important'to'you'and'why'you'think'the'word'
belongs'there'(approx.'1'minute).'Second'person:'pay'attention'to'what'your'partner'is'saying'
but'don’t'dispute'it.'
4) Second'person:'when'first'partner'has'finished,'and'still'discussing'the'same'word,'tell'your'
partner'what'the'word'means'to'you'and'move'the'word'(if'necessary)'to'a'different'part'of'
the'line'and'tell'your'partner'why'you'think'it'belongs'there'(approx.'1'minute).'First'person:'
pay'attention'to'what'your'partner'is'saying'but'don’t'dispute'it.'
5) Together:'discuss'where'you'think'ideally'the'word'should'go'and'what'you'd'need'to'do'to'
get'it'there'
6) Swap'roles'and'repeat'for'a'new'word'i.e.'second'person'now'chooses'a'word'from'the'same'
topic'
7) It'is'probably'best'not'to'try'to'discuss'more'than'three'words'each'on'each'occasion'you'do'
this'exercise'
'
Remember'even'though'you'might'think'your'opinion'is'the'right'one,'and'that'you'have'the'
evidence'to'prove'it,'this'exercise'is'about'letting'your'partner'know'what'is'important'to'you'and'
why.'These'topics'are'often'sources'of'great'frustration'and'resentment'so,'rather'than'picking'
the'most'controversial'topic'first,'start'with'something'less'explosive.'Try'to'keep'things'
reasonably'light@hearted'without'being'dismissive'or'sarcastic.'Once'you'can'talk'more'easily'
about'less'heated'topics'try'to'look'at'something'that'could'prove'more'difficult.'Remember'not'
every'difference'of'opinion'can'be'resolved'and'every'relationship'needs'some'give@and@take.''
'
If'things'start'to'get'too'heated'take'some'time'out'and'then'come'back'and'have'a'conversation'
about'what'happened'that'led'to'such'strong'feelings.'Was'this'really'about'your'partner'or'
something'from'your'own'past?'Take'responsibility'for'your'feelings'and'try'not'to'blame'or'
accuse.'Use''I''statements'and'state'your'feelings'clearly.'Try'to'see'your'partner's'point'of'view'
and'let'them'know'you'understand'it,'even'if'you'don't'agree'with'it.'Remember'to'let'your'
partner'know'in'word'and'deed'that'you'care'about'them.'

Andrew'Grimmer'2014'www.bristolcbt.co.uk''
 Intimacy,$affection$
Money/socialising$ Home$ Childcare/family$
and$leisure$

Earning'money' Vacuuming' Hugging/cuddling' Disciplining'children'

Paying'bills' DIY' Holding'hands' Bathing'children'

Balancing' Putting'children'to'
Changing'beds' Kissing'
household'budget' bed'

Managing'savings' Doing'laundry' Initiating'sex' Feeding'children'

Choosing'sexual' Taking'children'
Managing'debt' Washing'up'
activities' to/from'school'

Deciding'on'major' Contraception/'
Cooking' Rewarding'children'
purchases' safe'sex'

Deciding'on'minor' Helping'children'to'
Looking'after'pets' Planning'holidays'
purchases' be'independent'

Going'out'with' Supervising'
Shopping' Booking'holidays'
friends' homework'

Having'friends' Putting'toothpaste' Playing'with'

Packing'for'holiday'
round' away' children'

Romance'e.g.'date'
Making'new'friends' Ironing' Visiting'family'
nights'

Replying'to' Having'family'to'
Gardening' Driving'
invitations' visit'

Sending'greetings'
Emptying'bins' Organising'travel' Phoning'family'
cards'

' ' ' '

Andrew'Grimmer'2014'www.bristolcbt.co.uk''
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Andrew'Grimmer'2014'www.bristolcbt.co.uk''