Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Summary
“Good,” Clarke turned back to the sea. “I wish I brought my stuff with us. I could’ve painted
you the color of my eyes so you never forget.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever forget.”
A story about two girls who lost each other but eventually found one another again because
an ocean separates lands not souls.
Notes
“My brother and my friend are getting married, are you sure you wanna ask me that?”
“I’ve known you for ten years, I was there when it all went to shit and almost every day since, you
can’t fake it with me,” Costia squeezed Lexa’s hand harder. “I know you Lex.”
“I know when it was and I also know it doesn’t matter because you…”
“I’m just saying, we can still turn around if you don’t wanna do it.”
Lexa chuckled and knocked on the door, “Thank you,” she whispered to Costia, “I’ll yell if I can’t
manage it.”
The door in front of them swung open and Lincoln appeared behind it. “Finally,” he hugged first
Lexa then Costia. “Fashionably late,” he glared at Lexa.
“Sorry, I got stuck at work,” she shrugged. “This is for you, since you forbade me to bring anything
else,” she gave him a bottle of bourbon.
“My big brother is gonna get married, I couldn’t do that, could I?”
“You’ll never change,” Lincoln smiled. “Get in,” he moved to the side and let them come through.
“Where’s your future wife? I have to hug her and wish her good luck. I know better than anyone
how much she’s gonna need it.”
“I think she knows what she’s getting into,” he grinned. “She’s somewhere with Cl-,” Lincoln bit his
tongue then added, “she’s somewhere around here.”
“Where’s our sister?,” Lexa pretended she didn’t hear the first part of that sentence.
“I can see her,” Costia pulled Lexa’s hand. “Let’s leave Lincoln to attend to his guests,” she lifted
her brow.
“Let’s,” Lexa said.
Costia hooked her hand under Lexa’s and led her to where she saw Anya. “There’s a lot of people
here.”
“Maybe you should,” Costia said. “You are all brave and unbothered now, but I’m not so sure
you’re gonna be all that once you see her.”
“What are we whispering about?,” Anya joined them when they got close enough.
“No, I just don’t want you to break your own heart all over again.”
“Costia.”
“Lex.”
“No matter what happens, I can assure you that that won’t happen.”
“If it makes you feel any better I still haven’t seen her,” Anya said.
Costia shook her head, “I don’t understand how is everyone so obsessed with her after all these
years.”
“Lexa!,” a voice so familiar Lexa could identify it in the crowd of hundred similar called her name.
She turned around and saw a woman to whom it belonged smiling at her. “It’s been so long,” the
woman put her hands around Lexa’s back and hugged her.
“I heard you were doing great but you never come back home anymore,” Abby said.
“A mini reunion,” now Lexa’s mom was also there. She kissed Costia’s cheek and hugged her
daughter.
“Almost,” Abby said. “I’m gonna go find Marcus, I lost him somewhere,” she chuckled, “but don’t
you dare leave without saying goodbye,” she said to Lexa.
Lexa felt her mom’s hand on her back, “How did it go?,” she asked her.
“Win.”
“Of course,” Indra smiled. “What are our thoughts about this joint?,” she looked around the room.
Indra laughed, “Woods don’t hide, isn’t that so girls?,” she said. “But I have to warn you,” she
looked at Lexa, “she looks like not a single day has passed.”
“Yes, that one’s,” Indra pointed her finger at Anya, “girlfriend brought her to me,” she said. “Just
remember to be brave,” she squeezed Lexa’s shoulder. “Imagine you’re in court.”
“I don’t know why everyone keeps telling me that as if I’m gonna crumble when I see her.”
“That’s because we know you and we love you and we would hate to see you hurt,” Indra said. “I’m
gonna go find your brother and see if he needs any help.”
“I’m gonna need something to drink if this is what this night is gonna look like,” Lexa took a deep
breath. “Do you two want something?,” she asked Anya and Costia. They both shook their heads.
“And before you say anything, yes I can do it on my own,” Lexa chuckled.
She turned around and skimmed around the room until she found where the bar was. She sneaked
around a bunch of people she didn’t want to say hi to, and around many more whose names she
didn’t know. Costia was right, there were so many people there that if someone wanted to, they
could easily be lost somewhere in the middle of it all.
The space around the bar was pretty empty. She found a bottle of whiskey, a clean glass and poured
herself a drink and then another one. If the night was going to look anything like she imagined it to
look like, then she’s gonna need all the drinks she could get.
Lexa still had a long way back to where Anya and Costia were, navigating through a lot of people,
praying no one would stop her. She turned around getting ready to go back to them when it
happened.
It was an almost type of thing. Like when you trip and you almost fall. Or when you eat something
hot and you almost burn your tongue. The type of almost that can happen and you know you’d
survive, but you’d be much happier if it never happened. Like when you almost spill your drink on
Clarke Griffin’s blue dress.
Lexa forgot about being fine, about time and about not being a kid anymore. Her mom was right.
Clarke looked like not a single day had passed. Sure, her hair was shorter, and her smile was tamer
but her eyes were still that same blue that haunted Lexa for years after she last saw them.
“Sorry,” the sound that came out of Lexa’s mouth was one she hadn’t heard in years. What was to be
expected when you don’t breathe and you feel like you’re gonna pass out from how hard your heart
is pounding in your chest. But she had to say something, she had to turn off the silence that brought
out voices she wasn’t ready to hear.
“It’s o-”
“Hey babe, there you are,” a dark haired man put his hand around Clarke’s back and down on her
hip. “I’ve been looking for you,” he kissed her cheek. Clarke’s eyes never left hers, but they turned
to something Lexa couldn’t name, something she never hoped to see. “Hi,” the guy said to her,
expecting something in return. Lexa knew who he was. Lincoln had warned her about Clarke’s new
boyfriend. It felt strange to hear it and even stranger to think about it.
“Lexa, nice to meet you,” she shook his hand. He didn’t look like that meant anything to him.
“Clarke’s boyfriend,” he added. “She keeps forgetting to say it,” he kissed her again. “Are you
Lincoln’s or Octavia’s friend?”
“Oh, so you must have went to school with this one,” he looked at Clarke.
“Yes,” a short answer was sometimes the best answer. “I have to go now. It was nice to meet you
Finn.”
The road back to safety was way longer than Lexa had hoped. First Monty stopped her then Maya
then Wells. The buzzing in her ears made it impossible for her to hear or talk or be.
“Jesus, you look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Anya said when she saw her. She furrowed her brows
and cupped Lexa’s face. She looked over Lexa’s shoulder and saw Clarke. “You did see a ghost.”
“Do you wanna go?,” Costia asked with a worried look on her face.
Clarke Griffin was not someone Lexa would consider a friend. Clarke Griffin was not even someone
who Lexa thought knew of her existence. And Lexa was fine with that. More than fine. She couldn’t
care less about Clarke Griffin.
She wasn’t a distraction until she switched classes and ended up having Calculus and Chemistry
with Lexa. That’s when she started to be a distraction. One that Lexa would never admit to having.
“Excuse me.”
“Bellamy told me you’re smart.” Clarke Griffin had eyes filled with the type of blue Lexa had seen
never before or after. Lexa felt her heart jump up and down in excitement when Clarke smiled. “I
need help,” she said.
Lexa blinked and blinked and when she realized she didn’t say anything she blushed. “I don’t
understand,” she forgot about the book in front of her until Clarke didn’t put down a piece of paper
that looked like the Calculus exam they had last week.
“With that,” Clarke pointed at the big red D in the upper right corner.
“Bellamy said you can,” Clarke furrowed her brows, “he said you’ve helped him.”
Lexa rolled her eyes. She did help him, but only because Lincoln begged her. It was the worst week
of Lexa’s life. “That was different,” she said.
“Please.”
“Raven,” Clarke grinned. “I’ve already tried that but it didn’t end well. Apparently it’s not good to
mix friendship with business,” she said. “I can pay you if it’s that’s...”
“You don’t have any games in the next month, you could squeeze me in.”
“How do you know that?,” Lexa was baffled as to how Clarke could know she did or didn’t have
any games. She certainly didn’t look like the type to be interested in sports.
“We may not be friends but I know who is the captain of our softball team,” Clarke smiled.
“Umm… I-”
“You look surprised,” Clarke frowned and then as if a bulb lit up over her head,” I don’t look like I
would know that,” she grinned. “I’ve been to almost every game this year. I’m kind of a big fan,”
she said, “of both you and the team,” Clarke added. “You don’t want your biggest fan to fail, do
you?”
Lexa couldn’t believe what was going on. Clarke Griffin knew who she was and was asking for help.
That mean being distracted up close. “I don’t want you to fail, but I’m…”
“Then just say yes, it’s the simplest and easiest word to say,” Clarke said. “Much easier than no.”
Lexa opened her mouth wanting to protest but then gave up when she saw just how much Clarke
was desperate. “Okay,” she said. “I’ll help you.”
“You must be Lexa,” a woman, Lexa assumed Clarke’s mother, opened the door of the Griffin
family house. “Clarke, Lexa is here,” she turned around without waiting for Lexa to say anything
back. “I’m Abby,” she smiled back at Lexa.
“Hey,” soon after Clarke was standing next to her mother. “You could’ve let her in,” she grabbed
Lexa’s hand and pulled her in. Lexa felt like someone had set thousand butterflies free all over her
body.
“I was just about to do that,” Abby closed the door behind them.
“Studying,” Lexa heard an echo of Abby’s voice before Clarke closed the room.
“Don’t listen to her.”
There were pictures hanging all over the walls of Clarke’s bedroom. It was the first thing Lexa
noticed. Pictures of ocean, dozens of them, of people with no faces and forrest. Green trees in the
middle of huge valley, black trees jumping out of the grey trees in the forest, trees with and with no
leaves. Lexa walked up to the one of the faceless man. “Did you do these?,” she asked.
“Yes.”
“No, it’s just good. You are really good. How long have you been doing it?”
“Drawing? Since I could hold a pen,” Clarke chuckled. “I’m full of surprises,” Clarke pulled two
chairs to the desk in the corner of the room and sat on the one closer to the wall. “Shall we?”
“Oh, right,” Lexa remembered why she was there. She took a book out of her bag and sat next to
Clarke. “Do we go from the beginning or?”
“Yes, please, I kinda don’t know any of it,” Clarke awkwardly smiled.
"I need a break,” Clarke leaned back in the chair and stretched her hands above her head. “Please
let’s take a break.”
Lexa looked at her watch, it was hour and a half since she got there. Clarke endured longer than
Lexa’s thought she would. “A break is fine.”
“Is it that bad?,” Lexa cringed. Bellamy was easier, he talked non stop and had questions. Clarke
on the other hand didn’t say anything.
“What? No, it’s not bad at all, I think I’m finally starting to understand bits and pieces of it. I just
need a break,” she smiled.
“Oh,” Lexa was surprised, “okay then. I was thinking we could do some problem sets next,” Lexa
said, “to see if you are really starting to understand it.”
“Fine by me,” Clarke dropped her head sideways to her shoulder and took a closer look at Lexa.
Lexa noticed it only because she was trying to steal a glance here and there. “So what do you do
when you do nothing?”
“When you’re not at school or at practice or at game,” Clarke said. “What do you do?”
“It’s all starting to make sense now,” Clarke laughed. “But wait,” Lexa could practically see the
wheels turning in Clarke’s head and she could sense what the next question would be. The one that
everyone was always so quick to ask, “three of you look nothing alike.”
“We’re adopted.”
“All three?”
“All three,” Lexa said and then added, “Anya’s parents left her when she was a kid and Lincoln’s
and mine died when we were little.”
“I’m sorry.”.
“Right, fuck, I’m sorry,” Lexa forgot. “I totally forgot about your dad. I mean I didn’t forget I just…
I’m sorry.”
“You don’t really, it’s almost refreshing to have someone forget about it.”
“Your mom’s a doctor?,” Lexa said to change the subject. Dead parents were not something she
was keen on discussing and she was pretty sure neither was Clarke.
“I’ll be a lawyer.”
“Fancy,” Clarke smiled. “Isn’t that what your mother, I mean Indra, is.”
“She is my mother,” Lexa smiled, “and she is something like that. She’s helping kids who have no
one to have at least an attempt at leading a normal life.”
“Okay,” Clarke sighed, “let’s go back to this mess,” she turned her head back to her book.
“You’re doing really good. If we were to have an exam now you’d do much better than you did last
time around.”
“Yeah I’d get a C, that’s so great,” Clarke didn’t look as happy about her progress as Lexa thought
she’d be.
“It’s only been a couple of days, in a week or two you’ll be ten times better.”
“Are you trying to say something?,” Clarke put her elbow on the desk and leaned her head on the
palm of her hand.
Lexa felt different around Clarke. She was terrified at best. “Progress is always slow,” it was getting
hard to ignore the way her heart beat faster and harder when Clarke smiled at her and how her
palms were sweaty when Clarke was touching her and how she wanted to spend her days just
looking at Clarke.
“You sound like my dad,” Clarke said. “I mean it in the good way,” she smiled. “I used to be very
impatient when I was a kid.”
“Shut up,” Clarke bumped Lexa’s shoulder with her hand. “He’d always say that to me. ‘Progress
takes time Clarke.”
“Very much,” Clarke had a pained look on her face before shaking it off. “Do you miss your
parents?”
“I don’t really remember them. I was three when they had an accident.”
“Clarke, there you are,” a boy Lexa didn’t know was all of a sudden sitting opposite them. “You
wanna hang out later?”
“When you’re finished then, you won’t spend all day doing that,” he pointed to the book in front of
Clarke.
“That’s alright, you can go if…,” the thing Lexa hated the most was being a burden and she hated
even more seeing it on the people’s faces. And the boy sitting in front of her had no intention of
hiding it.
“No,” Clarke stopped her words and thoughts. “We can hang out tomorrow, or some other day,”
she said to the boy. “I’m busy today.”
“Clarke you didn’t have to do that, he’s obviously your friend and he wanted to spend time with
you,” Lexa said.
“You are also my friend,” Clarke looked at her, “and I promised I’d show you my ocean and I
don’t break my promises,” Clarke smiled. “And that was Wells, he doesn’t mind.”
“That’s because you don’t know him, that’s his not minding it face,” Clarke smiled. “Let’s finish
this so we can go have some fun,” she turned her attention to the book in front of her and Lexa
couldn’t help the smile growing on her face.
“I’m serious. It’s beautiful and it’s exactly the same as in the drawings.”
“Makes sense since I was sitting here when I drew it.” Lexa looked in front of her, seemingly endless
space of blue, ocean and sky, it wasn’t really obviously where one begins and the other ends. She
stood up and looked down the cliff. Waves crashing on the rocks and white disappearing in the blue.
She felt Clarke’s fingers on her palm and then between her own fingers. “Don’t fall down,” Clarke
was holding her hand and standing next to her.
“That there,” Lexa pointed her finger further in front of them, “where sky spills down on the water.
That’s the color of your eyes.”
“Uhh what?”
“Whatever’s playing.”
“I guess I do.”
Clarke laughed, “Let’s try again,” she turned so she was facing Lexa, her hand still in Lexa’s. “Do
you wanna go see a movie with me?”
“Yes.”
“Good,” Clarke turned back to the sea. “I wish I brought my stuff with us. I could’ve painted you
the color of my eyes so you never forget.”
“Oh no, no, I’m paying for tickets,” Clarke took the money out of her pocket and paid the movie
tickets. “I can’t ask you out and then let you pay for it.”
“Ask me out?” Everyone, except Lexa, knew it was a date. Anya and Lincoln made fun of her for
not wanting to believe it when she had told them where and with who she was going.
“It’s not a date Anya, we are just going as friends,” Lexa said to her.
“I’ll ask you what it was when you get back,” Anya smirked.
“Put your hand around her neck when the lights go out, but not immediately, wait a couple of
minutes, 15 maybe.”
“If you don’t then she will and that’s not the type of dynamic you wanna have at the start.”
“You should be thanking me,” Anya grinned. “And kiss her only if she doesn’t kiss you.”
“What did you think this was?,” Clarke’s voice reminded Lexa where she was. Anya was right.
“I’d like to think this is a date,” Clarke smiled. “If that’s okay with you, of course,” she said.
“Of course it is, I mean yes, it’s… it’s a date then,” Lexa said. “But then I’m gonna buy popcorn.”
When they walked into the theater lights were already off. “If I fall it’s your fault,” Lexa whispered.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold you,” Clarke hooked her arm under Lexa’s and led them to their seats. “I
told you it’s not gonna start yet.”
“Shhh.”
“Movie ghosts.”
“I’d never do that,” Clarke smiled. “You’re gonna hold this,” she gave Lexa the popcorn.
“Yes boss,” Lexa took the popcorn in her left hand and put the right on the armrest between them.
“This better not be complete shit.”
Clarke gasped, “This is the first time I’ve heard you curse.”
“That wasn’t a curse.”
“Shhh,” Lexa said when opening credits started to roll. Before the movie even started Clarke took
Lexa’s hand under her own and put it on her lap. Lexa’s heart was racing and she was sure Clarke
could hear it. She looked to her right and saw Clarke scooting closer to her and putting her head on
Lexa’s shoulder.
When the movie finished Lexa couldn’t even remember what it was called.
“Hi Lexa,” Raven put a cup of tea in front of Clarke, “you have to tell me what you’re drinking, I
feel bad for never bringing you anything.”
“She drinks coffee,” Clarke said after taking a sip of her tea. “With cream and no sugar.”
“Does that mean you are finally free to go to the fair with us? I won’t be responsible for my actions
if I have to spend another minute alone with Octavia.”
Clarke leaned her head on Lexa’s shoulder, “Do you wanna go to the fair today?”
“But I don’t want to,” Clarke pouted. “Can I come by your house after it?”
“Then you’ll have to have dinner with us, my mom won’t let you otherwise,” Lexa smiled.
“Raven, shut up,” Clarke pull back and rolled her eyes at Raven.
“Lovergirl are you ready?,” Anya ruffled her hand through Lexa’s hair.
“Too bad, I was looking forward to this one being all peachy again,” Anya said. “Up and away,”
she pulled Lexa’s shirt up.
“See you tonight then?,” Lexa asked once she was on her feet.
“Okay, bye,” as soon as Lexa’s hand was no longer holding Clarke’s, she put it in her jacket.
“You still haven’t kissed her? What are you waiting for? An invitation?”
" Hey Clarke,” Lincoln’s face lit up when he opened the door for Clarke and let her in. “Lexa,
Clarke is here,” he yelled to the inside of the house and a couple of seconds later Lexa came
running down the stairs.
“Hello Ms Woods.”
“I’m so tired,” Clarke threw herself on Lexa’s bed. “I’ve just realized this is the first time I’m in
your room,” she played with the hem of Lexa’s shirt pulling her to lay down next to her.
“Unacceptable,” Clarke whispered.
“I’ve missed you. Raven and Octavia kept fighting and making up and fighting again and then
didn’t let me talk about you.”
Clarke put her hand on Lexa’s cheek and dragged her thumb over it. WIth her other hand she took
Lexa’s hand and put it on her chest, over her heart. “It’s not just you,” she said. Lexa felt Clarke’s
heart beating as hard and in tune with her own. Clarke wiggled closer to her and brushed her nose
against Lexa’s. Lexa was happy with just being that close to Clarke and feeling her warm breath on
her lips, but then Clarke leaned her head to the side and kissed her.
“Please be dressed,” Anya yelled through half open door. It made Lexa jump up and sit on the edge
of the bed. “Dinner’s ready,” Anya’s head peeped behind the door. “Don’t make me come up
again,” she said before closing the door.
Lexa got up and straightened her shirt. She turned around and offered her hand to Clarke who more
than willingly took it. “Your cheeks are really red,” Clarke put her hands on both sides of Lexa’s
head.
“So are yours.” Lexa tilted her head and pressed her lips on Clarke’s. It was short and sweet and it
made Lexa’s stomach flip and turn in the best kind of way. “We should probably go downstairs,”
she said after she pulled back.
“I’ll be damned. Clarke Griffin in flesh and blood,” Anya crossed her hands and put a big smile on
her face. “Wait, do you remember who I am?”
“Maybe a hug will refresh my memory,” Clarke spread her arms and waited for Anya to close the
distance between them.
“You look good Clarke,” Anya smiled after they hugged, “I like the hair.”
“Thanks.”
“I was hoping to meet him,” Anya said. “I’ve heard great things.”
“You will,” Clarke tried to smile. Then she turned her attention to Costia. With the same smile on her
face. “I don’t think we’ve met,” she said, her eyes falling down to where Costia was holding her
hand on Lexa’s.
“Costia, nice to finally meet you,” she said, “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
When Costia said her name, Clarke swallowed hard and her eyes briefly crossed path with Lexa’s.
Lexa had seen that look one too many times. “I hope some of it was good,” she was still smiling with
that same tired and fake smile she had on her face ever since she came there.
“Are you here for a vacation or?,” Anya pulled back Clarke’s attention. Or at least it looked like she
did.
“No, I’m here to stay,” Clarke said. “Finn got a job here and I guess I can do what I do from
wherever. And I missed my mom and… everyone.” Clarke’s eyes drifted back to Lexa and the hand
on her forearm. “It’s quite a crowd,” Clarke said looking at her.
“Lexa! Finally some faces I don’t hate,” Raven came out of nowhere and leaned her head on Lexa’s
shoulder.
“You were with these two,” Raven tilted her head to point at Costia and Lexa. “And I knew Clarke
was eventually going to be drawn to you so I had no worries that you’re going to be alone,” she
turned to Clarke, “where’s the boyfriend?”
“He’s hard to miss,” all eyes turned to Lexa when she said that. “He’s the only stranger in here.”
“So, how was life overseas?,” once again Anya came to her rescue.
“I gotta say, I was a bit offended when I didn’t get an invite to your first exhibit,” Anya said.
“You would’ve came?,” Clarke raised her brow. There were bits and pieces of her that were new to
Lexa and bigger chunks of her that Lexa once knew but couldn’t see anymore.
“You did?”
“Yes, ‘Sister I never had’,” Clarke smiled, and for the first time it was one that Lexa knew. She
remembered the last time she saw Clarke smile like that.
“Of course.”
Clarke unlocked her phone and after a couple of seconds she handed it to Anya. No matter how hard
Anya was trying to hide it, Lexa could see in her eyes that she wasn’t expecting something like that
to happen and that she was touched beyond measure. “Is this…,” Anya was staring into the phone
not being able to say a word.
“How did you know about this?,” Anya looked at Clarke then at Lexa. “Do you wanna see it?,” she
turned to Clarke, “can she?”
“Someone told me,” Clarke smiled, “and of course she can,” she never looked at Lexa.
When Anya handed her the phone and Lexa looked at the photo on the screen, she closed her eyes
trying to forget the nights she spent under that sky. “It’s great,” she gave the phone back to Anya.
“Are you okay?,” Costia whispered in her ear. Clarke’s reaction to it didn’t escape Lexa’s eye.
“I don’t know what to say Clarke,” Anya gave her back her phone. “This is the nicest thing ever.”
“Why don’t you ever draw something for me?,” Raven said to break the silence that was threatening
to settle between them.
“There you are,” Finn wrapped his hand around Clarke, again. “You keep running away from me,”
he kissed her, this time not on cheek.
“I’m just roaming around, saying hi to my friends whom I haven’t seen in a long time, you know,”
Clarke said.
“Clarke’s boyfriend,” he added, again. “That’s like our thing, she says my name and I say my title.”
“Are you two… a thing?,” he looked at Raven holding her head on Lexa’s shoulder.
“No,” Raven chuckled. “I’m a thing with that one,” she crossed a few steps and stood next to Anya,
kissing her. “That’s my sister in law.”
“Then you two can give me juicy details about highschool Clarke,” he grinned. There was
something about him that Lexa didn’t like. It wasn’t even that he was the boyfriend. It was the way
he stood, and talked to her and smiled. And the person he worked for. When Lincoln told her that
Clarke was back and with a boyfriend, Lexa couldn’t help but look him up. It turned out that he
represented everything that she fought against. “She never wants to talk about that part of her life. I
keep asking but with no luck.”
“Also, maybe we shouldn’t push people into something they don’t want to do,” Raven added.
“It’s not about it being good or bad,” Lexa straightened her back, “it’s about whether she wants to
share it or not.”
“Whoa, I feel like I’m being surrounded with angry wolves preparing to eat me alive,” Finn raised
his hand and lowered them back down when no one laughed.
“We should go find Lincoln and Octavia,” Clarke removed his hand from her hip. “And then maybe
leave.”
“Too old for that,” Clarke smiled. “It was nice to meet you,” she said to Costia, “I’ll see you
around.”
“Is it just me or is that guy begging to be punched in the face?,” Anya said when Clarke and Finn
left.
“You are like the third person tonight to say that,” Raven chuckled. “Octavia almost did it.”
“Maybe he becomes nicer when you get to know him better,” Raven shrugged.
All the while her sister and Raven were talking, Lexa’s eyes followed Clarke. She walked like she
had the whole world under her feet. But then she turned around and her face said everything that her
words didn’t.
“Don’t be so thirsty.”
“You should close your mouth so you don’t drool all over yourself.”
“I mean I understand, it’s hot, but contain yourself woman. Or do something about it, I can’t believe
you still haven’t.”
“I’ll never learn from my mistakes will I?,” Clarke groaned. She was with Raven watching Lexa’s
practice.
“I’m the best thing that happened to you,” Raven smirked. She looked down at the field and saw
Lexa walking to them. “Okay, maybe second best.”
Clarke jumped up from her seat and threw her hands around Lexa’s neck, “Hey babe.”
“Your wish is my command,” Lexa pulled her closer and kissed her.
“There’s a time and place for that and my field is neither of those things,” Lexa’s coach made sure
everyone heard him.
“Sorry coach,” Lexa yelled back. “I have to go back,” she said to Clarke. “Food later?”
“Yes,” Clarke smiled. She sat back on the bench and watched Lexa run back to the field. “I love her
so much.”
“I know,” Raven put her hand on Clarke’s shoulder. “Maybe you should tell her that.”
“Maybe.”
Clarke saw Lexa walk out of the locker room before Lexa could see her. She was in sweatpants and
a shirt and her hair was still wet and curly from the shower.
“Where’s Raven?”
“Is that really the first thing you wanna say to your girlfriend?”
“You’re gonna get sick,” Clarke pulled at one strand of Lexa’s hair.
“Ha ha very funny,” Clarke pulled back and grabbed Lexa’s hand, interwinding their fingers.
“Who’s gonna take care of you when you get sick?”
Lexa was craving burgers so they went to the closest burger place they could find.
“You practically inhaled that, it always amazes me how fast you eat,” Clarke chuckled.
Lexa laughed, “She looks like she’s having the time of her life.”
“I was lying,” Lexa smiled. “And for today’s fun trivia of the day. Hmm let’s see,” Lexa took a
moment as if she didn’t know what she was going to say, “queen termites can live up to 50 years.”
“You should appreciate trivia time more,” Lexa crossed her arms and pretended to be offended.
“God I love you so much.” Clarke didn’t even realize what she had said until she saw it written on
Lexa’s face. “Umm I have to go, I forgot I had to be home,” Clarke was never that close to running
away from someone. She stormed out and into the street and didn’t stop. “Fuck,” she said to herself.
“Clarke wait,” she heard Lexa say. “Don’t make me run, please.” Clarke never thought she’d be
the kind of person to do something like that. She made fun of people who did that. And it wasn’t like
that was the only thing on her mind for the past couple of weeks. “Clarke, will you stop please,”
Lexa caught up with her and was walking next to her. Clarke couldn’t even look at her. “Clarke,”
Lexa grabbed her hand and pulled her to stop. “What are you doing?”
“I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything in this world. You don’t have to run.”
“Who wouldn’t.”
“Happy one year of being with the greatest person in the world.”
“Always so modest.”
“I can’t believe you’ve just asked me that,” Clarke pushed Lexa and got on top of her.
“I can make you not sleepy,” Clarke rolled her hips, in turn making Lexa’s fingers dug into her
thighs.
“Clarke.”
“Lexa,” Clarke lowered her head and peppered Lexa’s jaw with kisses. “I want you to finish what
you’ve started last night.”
Lexa lifted her hands to Clarke’s hips and under her shirt. Clarke shivered when Lexa dragged her
hands over Clarke’s back. “Are you sure?,” she asked.
“It’s been a long day, can we talk about something else?” Costia and Lexa left the party before
anyone else did. Costia suggested it and Lexa was more than happy to accept it.
“About the douchebag boyfriend?,” Costia chuckled. “From what you’ve told me I’d never imagine
her with someone like that.”
Lexa would never had put him with her, not in a million years or as many timelines. He was
everything that her Clarke despised. But her Clarke was long gone and the Clarke that chose him
was a stranger to Lexa. “People change, I haven’t seen her in almost 10 years. I don’t know what
she’s like anymore.”
“You are pretty much the same as when I first met you,” Costia said. “Only not as happy.”
“You are the same nerdy girl I met that Monday on campus,” Costia said. “Maybe not on the outside,
but the values you have and things you feel and cherish are still the same and I don’t think you’ll
ever change that much.”
“Always so wise,” Costia chuckled. “Either way, I never thought she’d be with someone who evicts
families from their houses.”
“Please,” Costia laughed, “she kept looking at me like she was ready to kill me right there on the
spot,” she said. “She spent half of the time looking at my hand on yours and the other half trying not
to look at it.”
“I can’t blame her, I’d probably do the same if I were in her shoes,” Lexa said. “And I know you
would too.”
“All in all, the night could’ve gone much worse than it had.”
“Can we now stop talking about it?”
“Her stars.” Stars Lexa had hoped she’d forget but that would haunt her nights and days.
“Her stars?”
“Is that me?,” Lexa tapped her finger on the paper in Clarke’s lap.
“Yes.”
“What?”
“Don’t exaggerate.”
Clarke chuckled, “I’m not, how do you think I draw those doodles I give you every day?”
“Yeah but that’s funny me, this,” Lexa’s dragged her finger over the drawing of her sitting on the
bench they were sitting and looking at the ocean in front of them, “is real me.”
“All of it is real you,” Clarke picked up her hand and kissed the back of her palm.
“I am,” Clarke smiled. “This is me watching over you,” she tapped her pen on the place where the
ocean met the sky.
“No, no, you see how big my eyes are,” Clarke grinned.
“You’re so needy.”
“Oh my God.”
“Well I promised it, and I don’t break my promises,” Clarke smiled. “You are stuck with me now.
Forever.”
“Poor me.”
“Lexa, tell me again, why are we not doing this more often?”
Clarke lifted her brow, “Sure, it’s always Clarke’s fault isn’t it?”
“I’m kidding,” Lexa said. “I don’t have a lot of time, with practice and school.”
“Mom.”
“I don’t mind it, I’m just saying,” Abby said. “I’d like very much if we could spend more time
together.”
“We’ll do better,” Lexa said before Clarke could change the subject. “We promise, right?,” she
looked at Clarke.
“What? I’m just asking. It’s a rare Friday night that you two won’t spend together.”
“That’s really nice,” Abby smiled. “Say hi to Anya for me and make sure to have fun.”
“I’ll be sure to do that,” Lexa said. She got up. “Thank you for dinner.”
“I’m gonna walk you out,” Clarke said and followed Lexa to the door.
“Don’t miss me too much.”
“Not possible,” Clarke wrapped her hands around Lexa’s neck and hugged her tightly. “I’m gonna
miss you so much. I already miss you so much.”
“I know baby, I’m gonna miss you too,” Lexa kissed Clarke’s neck. “So much.”
“Send me photos of that face of yours. Every hour, do you understand?,” Clarke leaned her
forehead on Lexa’s. “Every hour.”
“I promise.”
“I’ll send you nudes, maybe that makes you never want to leave me again.”
When Clarke got back in the kitchen, her mother had already started washing the dishes. “I’ll do
that,” Clarke said.
“You can help me,” Abby said and moved to the side. “I’ll wash them and you can dry them.”
“Deal.”
“You know, I’ve never told you but Jake would have loved her,” Abby smiled softly. “She’s such a
sweet girl, and she loves you so much she can’t hide it,” she said. “He would have loved her for
that.”
“Never.”
“Can you get off of your phone for one second and talk to the human next to you?”
It was the second time in 10 minutes that Anya had asked Lexa to drop her phone. “It’s not my
fault.”
“Whos fault is it then? Who keeps making you look at your phone every 10 seconds,” Anya said.
“And please don’t say Clarke, I’ll slap you if you say that again.”
“Don’t be a jerk.”
“I’m not.”
“You are.”
“Oh my God. If I had known it’d be like this, I would have brought her with us.”
“Jesus, I knew you were whipped but I didn’t know it was this serious.”
“Clarke is…”
“Amazing, yes, I know, and you love her so much, I know, and it’s a big deal, I know, but I’m also
amazing and you love me and this is also a big deal.”
“Don’t be so dramatic.”
“You don’t be so dramatic,” Anya rolled her eyes. “What will happen when you go to different
schools?”
“You need to chill a bit. Your love will grow fonder if you let it breathe for just a couple of minutes. I
promise.”
“Don’t be a jerk.”
“Urge to merge is real. I can already see you’re starting to be a brat, just like Clarke.”
“Only to those who deserve it,” Lexa put her phone on the back seat.
“Fucking finally.”
“Clarke,” Octavia tried getting Clarke’ attention, “Earth to Clarke,” she waved her hand in front of
Clarke’s face. It made Clarke pull her head back and blink.
“Are you listening or are you sleeping with your eyes open?”
“I wasn’t sleeping,” Clarke said.
“I was thinking.”
Raven was right, Clarke was thinking about Lexa and what her life would be like if she had never
asked Lexa to help her all that time ago. And then the dark thought of what her life would be like if
she lost Lexa. “What do you want?,” she asked Octavia.
“My wedding?”
“With Lexa yes. I give you two more years before you’re married.”
“You are obsessed with each other, it’s a miracle you haven’t eloped already.”
“Two years is a long time,” Clarke looked at her phone then out through the window. She imagined
Lexa sitting in car, next to Anya, singing some song Anya probably hated. She smiled at the thought.
“What’s up with you?,” Octavia sat at the couch next to her. “It’s just two days, she’ll be back.”
“I know she will, but where will she be this time in two years?”
“She’s gonna be madly in love with you,” Raven kissed the side of Clarke’s head.
“I’m scared.”
“C’mon Clarke, you know she’d never do something to hurt you,” Octavia rubbed Clarke’s back.
“I know, but what if we end up living far away from each other.”
Raven took Clarke’s phone from the table in front of them and put it in Clarke’s hand. “Call her.”
“Oh my God, I’m gonna punch you in the face if you don’t call her,” Octavia said.
“And say what? Hey Lexa I’m scared you’re gonna leave me.”
“No, idiot,” Raven sighed. “Tell her you love her and can’t wait to see her again.”
“You have no reason to think something like that would happen,” Octavia said. “That thing you two
have won’t stop being freaking amazing just because you two might be apart from each other for a
while.”
Soon after the engagement party Lexa got invited to dinner. If it were anyone else, she’d have said
no, but it was Lincoln and there were some things she just couldn’t do.
It was supposed to be a continuation of the party, with fewer people of course. Clarke was going to
be there and so was Finn.
“I still can’t believe you are here,” Octavia said. “It’s been so long since we’ve all been together.”
Not much was said during the dinner. Apart from Finn’s life story. The guy didn’t know how to
keep his mouth shut.
“We can do it more often now,” Finn said before Clarke had a chance to say anything.
“I was talking about the four of us being in the same room after many years,” Octavia said, “but yes,
we can do it more often now.”
“That’s why I need to get to know you all better, now that we’re going to be spending more time
together,” Finn said. “Raven you are an engineer, right?”
“I am, yes.”
“And I don’t know what you do Lexa, you’re like a mystery to me.”
“I don’t think you’ll be seeing that much of me, so don’t sweat it.”
“C’mon, you are Clarke’s friend, I gotta get to know you better,” he said.
“I’m a lawyer.”
“I know.”
On the other side of the table Raven giggled and Octavia tried not to. “Is there a reason you hate
me?,” Finn asked.
“I don’t hate you Finn,” Lexa said. “I just don’t like your boss or you.”
“Lexa works with families who are on the verge of losing everything because of people like Cage
Wallace,” Octavia stood up in Lexa’s defence.
“You mean those who refuse to get a job and pay rent?,” he responded.
Lexa bit her tongue, “I think it’s the right time for you to stop talking.”
“Or what?”
“Lexa.” It was soft and barely there, but it was there and it broke Lexa’s heart in ways she thought
it’d never be broken again. Clarke’s eyes were asking her to stop. “We are all passionate about our
causes, but that’s in no way a good reason to get in a fight in the middle of dinner,” she looked first
at him then at Lexa.
Finn’s chest was heaving in anger, “I’m gonna go out for a smoke,” he got up from the table and
went on the balcony.
“You should keep him on a shorter leash,” Lexa looked straight into Clarke’s eyes.
“You don’t have to get into dick measuring contents with him either.”
“Let’s all calm down,” Lincoln tried to ease the tension that was turning into a time ticking bomb
with almost no time left.
“Can you repeat what you just said?,” Clarke said again.
“I never thought you were going to be the one acting like a child.”
“Okay, let’s all stop right there,” Raven said. “Let’s all take a deep breath and try to relax a bit.”
“I’m gonna go,” Lexa got up, “so you all can relax.”
Chapter 2
“It would mean a lot to her if you came,” Octavia had spent the last hour of their dinner and 30
minutes after it trying to convince Lexa to go to Clarke’s art show. “You don’t even have to talk to
her. Just be there, walk around, enjoy in some nice art and then leave. It’s that simple, c’mon.”
“I don’t think she wants to see me considering what happened the last time we saw each other.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Octavia shook her head. “It would mean everything to her if she saw you there.
Besides, it’s long overdue, you’re the one who made it all happen.”
“No, she’s the one that made it all happen, I just helped, once upon a time.”
“Tell me you don’t wanna see her shine,” Octavia smiled. “I’ll leave you alone if you really don’t
wanna go and see it with your own eyes.”
“I can’t believe I have to talk you into doing it,” she sighed. “Raven thought you’d say yes after the
first time.”
“I remember a time when you were big on taking chances and not regretting things for the rest of
your life.”
“Don’t make me angry Lexa, that’s not something you wanna see.”
Lexa would have lied if she said she didn’t wanna see it. Once upon a time, Clarke’s achievements
Lexa cherished as if they were her own. But some things were long gone and the only right thing
was to leave them there. “When is it?”
“Tomorrow at six.”
“Oh God can you please stop thinking, just for a second and do something we both know you
want.”
“I don’t wanna see him,” that was a part of the reason why Lexa was reluctant to go.
“What?”
“He’s… a piece of something. As I understand it, he’s not really there of that part of her life,”
Octavia said. “If I’m being honest, I don’t really know what she sees in him, I never knew.”
“You know I don’t know how to be calm with things that annoy me, and that guy is annoying as
fuck,” Octavia said. “Besides I don’t wanna be like you.”
“Like me?”
“That thing you said, it’d be better if you haven’t said it,” Octavia chuckled. “I’d probably say
something even worse. But then again it wouldn’t be as big of a deal because I’m not Lexa.”
“Fuck off Octavia, it’s not my fault I can’t help myself around douchebags.”
“Anya can you reason with your sister?,” Octavia said to Anya who had just walked into the living
room. The four of them were at Lincoln and Octavia’s place having dinner.
“I don’t wanna see her boyfriend again and I don’t think she wants me there.”
“Okay, first things first,” Anya said, “you think Clarke Griffin doesn’t want you to come to see her
show? You’re even more delusional than I thought you were.”
“What happened?”
“Because the last time you looked like that, it was your fault.”
“She obliterated Finn last week at dinner, in front of everyone,” Octavia grinned. “I’m sorry you
missed it.”
“What?”
“I didn’t do anything to him,” Lexa sighed. “I just said what I think about his job.”
“Oh Lexa,” Anya rubbed her forehead, “what did Clarke say about it?”
“It’s not my fault she’s dating the biggest jerk in the world.”
“Is it because he’s a jerk or because she’s dating him?,” Anya asked.
“No, no, you won’t turn this to that, because it has nothing to do with it.”
“You hating on Clarke’s boyfriend has nothing to do with the fact that he’s Clarke’s boyfriend?
Sure,” Anya sighed. “How did she even get with that guy?,” she asked Octavia.
“He was really persistent. It took him like 6 years to take her on a date,” Octavia said. “She got tired
of him always asking, she said yes and they’ve been together for a year and half, I think.”
“I can’t believe a woman like that would live with a man like that,” Anya sighed. “I guess we never
really know what’s going on in other people’s heads.”
“You knew her when she was a kid, why do you expect her to be the same person now that she’s all
grown up?,” Lexa got tired of Anya being shocked with the way Clarke lived her life.
“Has she ever told you she had a boyfriend?,” Lexa turned to her sister.
“Because you don’t know her and you don’t get to be shocked with the choices she makes. It’s her
life. It’s always been her life and her choice.”
“If you could do anything in the world, what would you do?”
“Let’s make it in the next 5 years,” Lexa threaded her fingers through Clarke’s hair. It was late
night and they were in Clarke’s bed.
“What kind?”
“Art,” Clarke was whispering. “This is the first time I’ve said that out loud. I’ve wanted it for the
longest time. But it’s much better if I don’t think about it.”
“Don’t say that,” Lexa said. “Dreams are never silly and it’s never silly to dream. Dreams are what
makes our life worth living.”
“They are, but if you wanna spend time with me then I don’t wanna hear you dismiss them.”
“Yes. You know I used to dream about this, and look at me now, living my dreams.”
“Not necessarily you, I mean yes of course you, but also just in general, to feel this kind of peace
and happiness. I never thought I’d get it, but I dreamed and look at me now.”
“Here’s to two best years of my life,” Lexa raised her water bottle and clinked it with Clarke’s.
“And to all those that are yet to happen,” Clarke said and pulled Lexa for a kiss. “Tell me again
why are we hiking. And better make it good because I’m this close to turning around and leaving.”
“That’s one of them yes, there’s also sex,” Clarke smirked. “Sex is really good for you,” she said,
“or so people say.”
“And like I said nothing will ever beat the first one, we might as well do that every year.”
“Foreplay? Maybe in your world,” Clarke said. “In my world this is called torture.”
“I’ll carry you.”
“You should’ve said that hours ago, would’ve made this a lot easier for me.”
“If you look up you can see the end,” Lexa pointed her finger somewhere above their heads. And
just like she said, after 5 more minutes they were at the top of the hill they were climbing for the past
2 hours. “I told you.” Clarke sat on the ground, breathless. Lexa laughed when she saw her.
“C’mon, just a couple of feet more. I wanna show you something.”
“Up up,” Lexa pulled her to her feet and to the cliff in front of them. “Look,” she said.
“Is that…”
“But it’s really pretty, isn’t it?,” Lexa said looking at the vast space in front of their eyes. Just below
them was Clarke’s bench and Clarke’s ocean and Lexa’s color. “Now you can draw and have fun.”
“No.”
“No, Lexa, you be reasonable,” Clarke got of the bed and walked all the way to the other side of the
room. “There’s no way I’d ever get in.”
“Lexa,” Clarke sighed. “I think it’s really sweet you think I’d get in, but I’m telling you, there’s no
point.”
“Clarke,” Lexa got up and walked to where Clarke was standing. “This is once in a lifetime
opportunity to do something you’ve always wanted to do. You can’t dismiss it without even trying.”
“Hey,” Lexa pulled her hand down and cupped her face. “The point is that you will try and you
won’t have something to eat you up for the rest of your life.”
“So what?”
“Clarke, you haven’t even sent the application and you are already thinking about me,” Lexa smiled
softly. “You need to think about you and we will deal with the rest as it comes.”
“You won’t be, but even if it’s a no then you will at least know you tried,” Lexa said. “There is
nothing wrong with trying and failing. Never trying on the other hand, that’s so much worse.”
“I don’t want to hear you say that ever again,” Lexa caressed her cheek. “Believe in yourself like
you believe in me.”
Lexa was with Clarke when she finally sent in her application for Fine Art undergrad course at
London University.
“That’s not gonna happen, but I’ll be whatever you want me to be,” Lexa kissed the top of her head.
“Let’s celebrate,” she smiled. “I’ll call Raven and Octavia and they can call Wells.”
“You do, because you need your friends to take your mind off of this and everything else.”
“You can do that,” Clarke buried her head into Lexa’s neck.
It had been 8 years since Clarke’s father died and it was the first time Clarke was bringing someone
with her to his grave. No one of her friends had ever been there, except for the funeral. It’s what
Clarke had wanted and it’s what they gave her.
But now it was, probably, the last time in a long that Clarke’s gonna be able to be there on his
birthday and she wanted to introduce Lexa to her father. Or to the memory of him.
“I can’t believe it’s been 8 years,” Clarke said when they walked into the cemetery. Her hand was
in Lexa’s since the moment they left Clarke’s house.
“I can imagine.”
“People used to force me to talk about him, they said it was going to help me forget that he’s gone. I
never want to forget.”
“They used to do the same thing to me, but they were trying to force me to remember.”
“Why do people care so much about what and how others deal with death and being sad and
devastated,” Clarke sighed. “Like how do you get to the brilliant idea of telling a ten year old girl to
stop thinking about her father because she’s never going to get him back and it’s only hurting her
and her mom more.”
“Jaha.”
“I’m sorry,” Lexa kissed the back of her hand. “He shouldn’t have done that. That’s messed up.”
“He kept doing it until my mom yelled at him,” Clarke’s grip on Lexa’s hand tightened. “We are
here,” they stopped in front of a black tombstone that had Jake Griffin written on it. “Hi dad,”
Clarke put the flowers she was carrying on the ground. “Happy birthday,” she smiled sadly. “This
is Lexa,” she said, “the one I’ve told you about.”
“Hi Mr Griffin.”
“I’d never think that. We cope how we cope,” she kissed Clarke’s cheek. “Besides, he’s your father,
he should know who you’re going to spend the rest of your life with.”
“Then let me retract,” Clarke said. “Dad, I want you to meet the love of my life.”
Lexa smiled, “I hope you said only nice things about me.”
“Well, yes,” Lexa said. “How I annoy you in the morning when all you wanna do is sleep. How I
make you get up and go to sleep way too early. How you’ve ditched tea and started to drink coffee.
How you’ve forgot how to draw anything besides my face. How…”
“How much I love you for doing and making me do all those things,” Clarke said. “The day I stop
drawing your face will be the day I die.”
“That’s a big thing to say, maybe you should be more careful,” Lexa smiled.
“Maybe no.”
Lexa heard someone walking behind them. She turned around. “This is a surprise,” it was Abby. “I
didn’t know you were going to be here, I would have come later.”
“I’ve wanted him to meet Lexa.”
“I know, but I know what today means to you,” Clarke said. “We’ll see you back at house.”
“Why do you have a million doodles of something that looks like you?”
Lexa snapped the box with Clarke’s doodles from Lincoln’s hand, closed it and put it under the bed
where it was before he took it. “Why are you snooping around my things?”
“I wasn’t snooping around, it was on your bed,” Lincoln raised his hands in defence. “Why do you
have it?”
“It’s a thing we do… don’t you dare laugh,” Lexa warned him when she saw him smiling.
“Never,” Lexa said. “It’s mine and no one else’s and I don’t want anyone to know anything about
it.”
Then there was a knock on the door. “Do you have a Clarke sense?” Lexa glared at him before
going to open the door. Not even a second later she had Clarke’s hands around her neck. “Please
don’t start anything while I’m still here,” Lincoln covered his eyes.
“Lincoln!,” Clarke said when she saw him. She pulled back from hanging around Lexa’s neck and
waved tat Lincoln with her one free hand. “I haven’t seen you in a while,” she said. “We have to
change that.”
“Lincoln.”
Clarke dragged her finger from between Lexa’s brows, down her nose and over her lips. “You’re so
pretty.” Then Clarke’s hands where on Lexa’s shoulders, slowly going down her arms to her hips
and under her shirt. “And so hot at the same time.” Clarke’s finger tapped on Lexa’s stomach
before she hooked them under her shorts. “I had a dream about you last night.”
“Really, really good,” Clarke whispered. “You were in these shorts,” Clarke brough her hands
higher up and pulled Lexa’s shirt over her head, “and that sports bra,” she settled her hands on
Lexa’s hips and pushed her slightly to walk backwards. When the back of Lexa’s legs hit the chair
standing behind her, Clarke made sure Lexa sat down. “And you were sitting in this chair.”
“What did you do Clarke?,” Octavia pulled Clarke to the side. “It was supposed to be Lexa, Raven,
you and me, not Lexa, Lincoln, you and me.”
“We think it’s time for you two to stop acting like children and do something about it.”
“You can try,” Clarke laughed. “C’mon,” she hooked her hand under Octavia’s. “We are here,”
she smiled when they got to where Lexa and Lincoln were sitting, “sorry for being late, it’s my
fault.”
Lexa was smiling and Lincoln was freaking out, maybe even more than Octavia. “It’s alright,” Lexa
said. Clarke sat next to her and Octavia was left with no other choice than to sit next to Lincoln.
They have spent the majority of that past year sneaking glances and admiring one another from
afar. Clarke, and Lexa, tried more than once to push them to each other, but every time, one or the
other chickened out.
Octavia briefly looked at Lincoln and then got on her feet. “I’m gonna go order for us,” she said.
“Octavia,” Clarke tried to stop her but with no luck. “You two are insufferable,” she said to
Lincoln.
“Me? What did I do? I should say that about you two,” Lincoln said.
“Please, I had to suffer spending time with Bellamy Blake two years ago just because you have a
crush on his sister, and still you are not doing anything about it.”
“Oh please shut up,” Lexa rolled her eyes. “Do you think she ran away because she hates you?”
“I’m gonna help you,” Clarke said. “Follow my lead and thank me in your wedding vows.”
Gallery was filled with people. Mostly women, young women. And Clarke was at the center of it all.
As soon as Lexa walked in she saw her at the right side of the room, in front of one of her paintings,
talking to a couple of people. She was wearing tight, black, knee high dress. She was glowing.
Lexa made sure to sneak around so Clarke wouldn’t see her, at least not yet. She roamed the other
side of the room. There were 5 paintings on the wall and each one had a woman in the center of it
all. Her hair was falling down her back, with a couple of braids in it. Her head was high up and she
was looking down the window of an empty room.
The one next it was the same woman, turned around, blackness instead of a face, but chin was up
high and flowers were growing out of her hair.
The one after it was blue with green. Wrong blue and right green.
“You’re here,” Octavia took her hand under her own. Lexa turned around and smiled. Her eyes went
from Clarke’s paintings to Clarke’s face. Lexa couldn’t take her eyes off of her. “She looks great,
doesn’t she?,”Octavia said when she noticed where Lexa’s eyes were.
“I need a drink.”
“Oh honey,” Octavia chuckled. “Let’s find something stronger than wine.” They did find a whiskey.
Lexa poured a glass then another one, and one more. “This woman looks familiar,” Octavia said
looking at the painting with wrong shade of blue.
“Does it?”
“It looks like a woman with long hair who seems to like having braids.”
“If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck then it’s probably a duck,” Octavia
said. “You are everywhere,” she looked around the room. “If I didn’t know her, I’d think she’s
obsessed with you. Maybe she is, that would explain a lot of things.”
“Octavia please,” Lexa said.
Clarke had seen her. Lexa wasn’t sure when or how, but Lexa knew she did because she caught
Clarke staring at her more than once. Lexa had spent majority of evening roaming around the room,
stopping in front of every painting and in every painting she saw a piece of herself.
“What do you think?,” Clarke caught up with her some time during the evening. Lexa was in front of
a big painting of another faceless woman.
“I like it,” Lexa said, her eyes still on the woman in the painting. “I like all of it.”
“I still have a couple more left,” she said. “Are you selling them?”
“Yes,” Clarke leaned on the wall next to where the painting was hanged. She had a glass of wine in
her hand and she was beautiful as ever. “Money goes to LGBT Youth Center in the
neighbourhood.”
Lexa smiled, that was the Clarke she knew. “Then I’ll be sure to buy one,” she said.
“That’s discrimination.”
“I haven’t given you one in a long time,” Clarke smiled. “It’s long overdue anyway.”
Clarke was smiling and Lexa’s heart was starting to have trouble beating steadily. It had been a long
time since something like that happened. “I’m sorry about all that the other day.”
“What exactly?”
“Oh you mean that time you were a gigantic jerk?,” Clarke bit her lip.
“If I’ve learned one thing then it’s that history likes to repeat itself.”
“You’re gonna have to do that some other time,” Clarke said, “he’s not here,” she added.
“Nope.”
“He was busy,” Clarke emptied her glass and put it on the table next to her.
“What happened to you?,” Lexa sighed. “You used to be so full of life and…”
“Why are you wasting your time on someone who can’t even be bothered to celebrate your
success?”
“That’s...fucking stupid.”
“Is it now?”
“Yes, it’s maybe the most stupid thing you’ve ever said.”
“Lexa, you’ve lost the right to an opinion about what I should or should not do a long time ago. It’s
not your place or right to be saying things like that, you yielded it, don’t you remember?,” Clarke
said. “We can be civil or we won’t be, it’s up to you, but you don’t get to judge me or my life based
on the last ten minutes you’ve been in it,” she seemed calm, but the fire behind the blue was giving
her away. “You don’t see me waltzing into your life and making assumptions about it or telling you
what to do and what not to do.”
Lexa remained silent for a moment, “There are no oceans in here,” she said with a sad smile on her
face.
“I realized I need to live my life on the ground and not in the clouds.”
“Did you open it?,” Clarke asked as soon as Lexa opened the door.
“No,” Lexa waved the unopened letter in her hand. “We agreed to do it together.”
“So did you,” Lexa softly rubbed Clarke’s hand, trying to reassure her, calm her down. “When do
you wanna open it?”
“Now?”
“Here?”
“Okay,” Lexa took Clarke’s hand in her own, “but you need to relax, you’ll get a heart attack and
for what?”
“That’s easy for you to say.” Clarke pulled her hand from Lexa’s and went upstairs to her room.
Lexa knew her girlfriend was on the edge for quite some time, waiting for a response from the
overseas art school of her dreams, but she never expected her to be that harsh with her. She shook
her head and followed Clarke to her room. She found her sitting on the bed. “I’m sorry,” the letter
was on the bed next to her, “it’s gonna mean so many different things, either way it goes.”
“And I will be there with you all the way till the end.”
“Will you?,” Clarke looked at her with sadness Lexa had never seen before in her eyes.
“Nothing, let’s just open this,” Clarke said instead of answering Lexa’s question. “You go first.”
Lexa looked at the envelope she was holding, with a big Harvard University emblem on it. She
hesitated opening it. “Please Lexa,” Clarke said. Lexa carefully opened the letter and unfolded the
paper inside it. Her eyes quickly skimmed the contents. She smiled. “You got in,” Clarke whispered.
“I knew you would,” Clarke smiled, “you are amazing, this is amazing. It’s...it’s amazing,” she
cupped Lexa’s face and kissed her softly. “I’m so proud of you,” she said as she kissed Lexa’s
forehead.
“Your turn,” Lexa whispered. Clarke hands were shaking as she was tearing open the letter she got
from London art school she dreamed of going to. “Steady breaths,” Lexa put her hands over hers.
Clarke took the piece of paper holding her destiny out of it and read it, slowly. Her eyes went from
scared to surprise back to scared. “What does it say?”
“Clarke that’s…,” Lexa had the widest possible smile on her face, ear to ear, “that’s amazing,
that’s fucking amazing,” she hugged her and held her in her arms for the longest time. “I’m so so so
happy for you Clarke, and so proud of you.”
“What?,” Lexa pulled back. Clarke looked far from excited, she didn’t even look happy. “Don’t say
that.”
“I don’t.”
“It’s just a couple of years, we’ll see each other plenty,” Lexa said. “We can Skype and I will come
over there and you’ll come home.”
“So what?”
“It has nothing to do with trust. I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t want to lose you Lexa.”
“How our life would look like,” Clarke sighed. “It’s 4 years plus another 2. That’s six years I’d
have to spend on another continent, thousand miles away. We’d get to see each other maybe once
every six months, if we are lucky and that’s only in early stages of it. There’s no way you or I will
have any time for that kind of travel.”
“Because there was a 50 percent chance we weren’t going to be having this conversation.”
“You’ve spent last 3 months thinking how I’d betray you if you went away and you didn’t think to
talk to me about it?”
“Seems to me it is. It looks like you are ditching a lifelong dream of yours just because you think our
love is not strong enough to survive it.”
“What?”
“In a couple of years, when you realize what you could have had, you will resent me for being the
reason you don’t have it.”
“And I know how much I love you and how much you love me.”
“And it’s a fucking stupid one,” Lexa angrily said and turned her back to Clarke. “You don’t get to
ruin your life because of me.”
“This is the first and last time in your life that you raise your voice at me.”
“If you ever do it again I’m turning around and never looking back.”
“I can do whatever the fuck I want,” Clarke said. “And you can leave now.”
“What?”
Anya found her laying on the grass in their backyard. “You got into Harvard and you’re not
jumping up and down. I mean I know you are not the one to show excessive amounts of happiness,
but still,” she sat down next to Lexa.
“Okay, then I’m just gonna lie here with you.” It was Lexa’s first big, or any really, fight with
Clarke. It was four hours since they talked and Lexa wanted to scream and cry at the same time.
Instead she quietly stared at the blackness above her head. “Do you remember when we were little
and you used to ask mom about the names of all the stars that you could point at?,” Anya said.
“I do.”
“She gave each of us a star and told us to name it and keep it forever.”
“I remember.”
“One day you found me crying in my room and brought me out here and told me you will give me
your star if that’s gonna make me feel better,” Anya smiled. “There you were, a tiny human, with
nothing but the sky full of stars and you were willing to give me one just to make me feel better.”
Lexa let out a shaky breath, “I got into a fight with Clarke.”
“What?”
“She says we won’t survive that and she doesn’t want that to happen.”
“Apparently she’s been thinking about it for months, doubting me and our relationship.”
“She said she spent some time thinking about what our life would look like if she went.”
“Dreams change.”
“I can,” Lexa said. “She maybe won’t show it but she’ll always have it in the back of her mind that
she gave up on something because I was here and not there.”
“I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with something like that over my head. I don’t want to live
knowing that I’m responsible for her not living the life that she could.”
“But she’s my life,” with tears stuck in her throat and filling her eyes Lexa sat up.
“Oh Lex,” Anya rubbed her back. “Come here,” she hugged her.
“I kinda yelled at her,” Lexa said. “And I hate myself for it.”
Anya sighed, “You need to call her or go back there and make it better. Don’t go to bed mad at her
or hating yourself.”
I’m in front of your house. Could you come out for just a minute.
Lexa shuffled her feet nervously. It was not the type of day she thought she’d be having. They were
supposed to be celebrating now. She was never supposed to be in front of Clarke’s house at 9 pm
waiting and praying Clarke would come out so Lexa could apologize.
She looked up and saw Clarke walking to her and stopping when she was a couple of feet away.
“I’m sorry,” Lexa said. “It will never happen again,” she took a step closer to Clarke. “There’s no
excuse for it.”
Lexa closed the distance between then and took Clarke’s hand, “You will?,” she smiled.
“Yes,” Clarke said. “But if I lose you because it, I will never forgive you.”
“You won’t,” Lexa wiped the tear from Clarke’s cheek. “Can I kiss you?,” she whispered.
“Anything.”
“Who is trying to stop who from running away? I’ve always wondered.”
“Hand holding. I’ve never seen you guys not being hand in hand.”
Clarke giggled, “It’s not to stop her from running away, it’s to keep her close to me.”
“You should try it sometime, it’s healing, but don’t tell your sister I said that, she thinks I’m doing it
to indulge her,” Clarke smiled.
“I’m not sure if I wanna know what you two are whispering about or if I never wanna know.”
“She’s telling me what a big softie you are as if I haven’t known that already,” Anya smirked.
“Don’t worry Clarke, she’s been like that ever since she could walk and talk.”
“I can’t stand the way she looks at me,” Clarke slammed the door behind her. “I can’t fucking stand
it.”
“Hello to you too Clarke. Come in, nice to see you,” Raven said when she saw Clarke storm into her
apartment.
“Sometimes she looks at me like we are 18 again and there’s hope and…,” Clarke swallowed hard,
“and other times she looks at me as if she pities me,” she said. “Yesterday she asked me how can I be
with someone like Finn.”
“I don’t ask her about her fucking life, why does she have a need to ask me about mine?”
“You don’t see me asking her why she settled with Costia.”
“That’s not a thing,” Raven chuckled.
“I don’t know what it was then but I know what it’s now. Costia is great, she’s been a friend one
could only dream of. They are not together,” Raven said. “And I don’t wanna offend anyone but
don’t compare her to Finn.”
“I know.”
Raven wiped the tears from Clarke’s cheeks, “For one because you two never had a proper closure,”
she said. “But there’s also that other thing,” she smiled softly. “Some things are not supposed to
end.”
Clarke shook her head and wiped her eyes. “I was perfectly happy living my life in London, why did
I have to come back?”
“I haven’t seen you in flesh in a long time, but what I heard on the phone and saw on Skype was not
the happy Clarke I used to know,” Raven said. “And honestly what are you doing with that guy?”
“Does he? Or does he love the idea of you loving him?,” Raven lifted her brow. “I’ve seen you in
love and that’s not it.”
“What do you all have against him? He’s been by my side for a very long time and he stood there
when no one else was around.”
“Maybe that’s because everyone else was on the other side of the world and you refused to come
home ever,” Raven crossed her arms. “You don’t think we were by your side?”
“I know how hard it was. Your other half was right here,” Raven said. “We all saw how hard it
was.”
“I’m gonna tell you things now, that could cost me a dear friend, but you need to hear them
because… you just need to,” Raven sat on the couch next to Clarke. “Remember the day you
graduated? We had a Skype call, we all were there waving at you and cheering at you and being
happy for you.”
“I remember.”
“She was on the other side of the camera. She made sure everyone was there so you don’t feel
alone,” Raven said. “We knew you had friends, ones you always spoke so happily about, but we
knew you missed home, us. She made sure you saw us all.” Clarke didn’t say anything. “I can’t even
begin to describe how excited she got every time you called to say you sold another painting. Or
when you had your first exhibit. God, I’ve never seen someone that happy.”
Clarke looked away and it seemed like she was in deep thought. After a few silent seconds she
replied, “Why are you telling me all this now?”
“Maybe it makes you think. Maybe you realize it was hard for us all, seeing you get away from one
another and that heartstring being pulled too hard until it snapped, leaving a disaster behind.”
Clarke spent the entire night thinking about Raven’s words and lack of Lexa's.
Chapter 3
It was the first sunny day in a week full of rain and clouds. It was also the day Clarke was supposed
to be leaving for London.
“You look like your life is about to end.” Raven, Octavia and Clarke were in Clarke’s room. Clarke
was sitting on the floor under the window, Raven was on the chair next to her and Octavia on
Clarke’s bed.
“What?”
“I’ll try to not remember you two as always fighting,” Clarke smiled.
“Remember? Girl we’re gonna bother you every day, there’s no chance you are remembering or
forgetting anything,” Raven put her hand around Clarke’s neck.
“I’m surprised you haven’t taken down all the drawings,” Octavia looked around the room.
Everything still looked like Clarke wasn’t going anywhere. Clarke had told Lexa to take it if she
wanted to have them, but Lexa said no and Clarke knew what that no meant.
“I have to leave more than I take, I wanna be sure I’m gonna come back,” Clarke smiled. Smile
was there to stop the question that Raven and Octavia were sure to have.
“As if you’d be able to not come back to us and that girlfriend of yours,” Raven said. “Speaking of,
where is she? It’s not like her to be late.”
Clarke’s bags were packed and already in her mom’s car and she said goodbyes to everyone that
mattered. Except Lexa. Lexa was supposed to be there more than half an hour ago.
Clarke had spent the previous night with Lexa in Lexa’s bed. Neither of them slept or said anything.
They should have probably spent it some other way, any other way, but Clarke was too scared and
Lexa loved her too much to do anything but what Clarke wanted. And Clarke wanted to spend the
night in her arms.
“You have to know that my love will never fade away,” Lexa told her before Clarke left that
morning. “Tomorrow I will love you more than I love you today, and it’s gonna be like that until the
day I die.”
Clarke didn’t cry when she said goodbye to Raven and Octavia. She promised all of them that she
wasn’t going to cry. It was a temporary change of address and nothing more. Crying would had
made it permanent.
“You were supposed to be here almost an hour ago,” Clarke told Lexa when she saw her get out of
Anya’s car. Clarke was sitting in the driveway counting down the minutes.
“Don’t yell at her blondie, it’s my fault,” Anya got out of the car. “We got stuck in traffic, I’m
sorry,” she said. “I’m just gonna steal a hug and then I’m gonna leave you.” Anya walked around
the car and hugged Clarke. “You can forget about everyone else but please don’t forget about me,”
she smiled. “And okay, maybe don’t forget Lexa. And please for the love of God have some fun
while you’re there.”
“Okay, we won’t make it final because Lexa will kill me,” Anya chuckled. “Do you need me to
come and pick you up after?,” she asked Lexa.
“Okay then, I’m gonna go. Safe travels Clarke,” she said before driving away.
“I’m sorry,” Lexa walked to her. “Anya took a shortcut and then there was a roadblock and we got
stuck.”
“Baby, I’d swim across the ocean for you,” Lexa kissed Clarke’s forehead. “I’d do anything for
you.”
Three of them got into car with Clarke and Lexa on the backseat. Clarke’s head was on Lexa’s
shoulder and her hand was between Lexa’s. No one said anything for the whole ride there.
“I know mom,” Clarke smiled. They were at the farthest point where Lexa and Abby could go with
her.
“And don’t drink too much. I know what college parties look like.”
“Don’t let Lexa see you cry mom,” Clarke smiled. “And I won’t forget you.”
“I promise,” Clarke kissed her mom and turned to Lexa. She swallowed hard. “I’m gonna call you
when I land,” she said. It was the last time she was going to have the chance to touch Lexa in a long
time. “And Skype when I get things in order.”
Clarke wrapped her hands around Lexa’s neck and hugged her tightly, “Don’t even think about
trying to be funny now, Lexa,” she whispered.
“I wouldn’t dare,” Lexa rubbed Clarke’s back with her hand. “Don’t cry Clarke.”
“I’m not.”
Lexa pulled her head back a bit and saw tears running down Clarke’s cheeks, “You promised me.”
“It’s okay baby,” Lexa started to kiss Clarke’s cheeks. “It’s salty,” she whispered.
“You know me,” Lexa wiped the rest of tears from Clarke’s face.
“What am I going to do with the stupid drawings of tiny Lexa that I do?”
“First don’t call them stupid and then put them in a box somewhere and give them to me the next
time you see me. It’s just six months, don’t forget that.”
“I love you,” Clarke said as if it’s gonna be the last thing she ever said. “I love you.”
“I love you more,” Lexa kissed her, softly and delicately, as if trying not to break her.
Lexa heard Clarke’s voice but the screen in front of her was black. Then a moment later she saw
blonde hair and blue eyes that made her heart flutter. “I can,” she smiled.
“Hi,” Clarke grinned. Her hair was wet and Lexa could see a towel wrapped around her body.
“You gonna give me a show?,” Lexa smirked.
“I don’t wanna flash the NSA agent watching over us, but maybe you get a peak if you behave.”
“I’ve met a bunch of people, most of them nice, some not so much.”
“An abundance.”
“Yours is the biggest, don’t worry,” Lexa said. Clarke laid back on her bed and held her phone up
high in the air. “I like the view.” Lexa wanted to yell how much she missed Clarke wrapped around
her at night, Clarke holding her hand, kissing Clarke. But she didn’t want Clarke to go to bed sad,
with the same heartache she had to go to bed every night. If it meant that Clarke was going to smile,
then Lexa was ready to never show how hard it is for her to smile.
“What what?”
“I’ve talked with Anya today,” Clarke said after a couple of moments had passed. “She says you’ve
been insufferable since I left.”
“But who’s counting,” Lexa chewed the inside of her cheek. “Apparently it’s making me
insufferable.”
“Better with your pillow than with one of the big brain girls.”
“Duhhh.”
“Your moans.”
“Interesting concept.”
Lexa felt all the blood in body rush to her cheeks when Clarke started to pull down the towel.
“That Costia girl seems fun,” Clarke said after Lexa finished telling Clarke about the previous get
together with a couple of Lexa’s friends. “You seem to like her.”
“I haven’t said anything bad,” Clarke lifted her hands in defense. “I’m glad you’re not lonely and
that you have friends,” she said. “It’s not that I want you locked up in your room waiting for me to
call you.”
“She lets me talk about you all day, so I’d say she’s my best friend,” Lexa smiled.
“Poor girl,” Clarke laughed. “She probably thought she’d score a hot and smart girl but then she
got hot and smart girl talking her ear off about someone else.”
It was a play Lexa did for Clarke. She knew Clarke would never even look at someone else the same
way she looks at her, she wouldn’t even think about doing it. But she also saw that Clarke’s jealousy
wasn’t a fake one. Lexa avoided talking about other people unless Clarke asked her what and with
who and how. It served no purpose and Clarke was the only one to notice how pretty or not Lexa’s
friends were. Costia seemed to be the one that Clarke disliked, or didn’t like to see with Lexa, the
most. Costia was the only one Lexa felt free enough to talk about Clarke with. If she showed Anya
how much she struggled with the distance between them, she’d pressure Lexa into telling Clarke
about it. And if she said anything to Raven or Octavia or even Lincoln, then they’d tell all about it to
Clarke. Costia was willing and detached from everyone and everything and she listened. “Only five
more months,” Lexa said.
Lexa was startled when she heard her doorbell ring 9pm on a Saturday night. She got up from the
couch and walked to do door. Lexa looked through the peephole and was more than surprised to see
Clarke on the other side of the door.
“Hi,” she said when she opened and let Clarke come in.
“And then some,” Lexa stepped to the side. “Come in,” she said and closed the door after Clarke.
Lexa went to the kitchen, took two glasses out of the cabinet and filled them with water. She handed
one to Clarke and drank from the other. “Is everything okay?,” she asked when Clarke didn’t look
like she was going to say anything. Of all the people she knew, Clarke was the last one Lexa
expected to drink water in her kitchen.
“What?,” Clarke said, distracted by looking around Lexa’s apartment. “You live alone?”
“I live alone yes,” Lexa put the glass down and leaned on the counter. “Has something happened?
Are you okay?”
Clarke furrowed her brows, then nodded, “No no, I was just walking around in the neighbourhood.”
“Not really,” Clarke chuckled. “I was walking but to get here not aimlessly,” she said. “But
everything’s fine, don’t worry.”
“Okay.”
“Have you ever cheated on me?,” it was the first time Clarke looked her in the eyes since she saw
her standing in front of her door.
“Yes.”
“You do?”
“You want me to say yes, even if it meant I’d lie, you want to hear me say yes.”
“Have you?”
“Never.”
“Never?”
“No, Clarke, never.” The name rolled off of her tongue without thinking about it. Lexa saw on
Clarke’s face the same type of pain Lexa felt on Lincoln and Octavia’s party.
Lexa saw her battling it and pushing it to the side, for some other time and day. “You haven’t even
kissed her after one too many missed calls and fights?,” Clarke said after a while.
Lexa sighed. “No, whatever you might think of me, I’ve never done anything or even thought about
doing it,” she said. “Costia was always just a friend.”
“Is it really?,” Lexa tilted her head. “You really think I’d do that? Putting aside everything that we
were, you think I’m the type of person to do something like that?”
“No.”
Four months after Clarke left, time difference was starting to be too much. It’s not easy to maintain a
relationship when there’s 6 hours between you and when life keeps you both more than busy. When
Clarke had free time, Lexa was in class. When Lexa had free time, Clarke was too tired to keep her
eyes open for too long.
Sometimes it was easier to never even make a call than to argue through the entirety of if.
“I can’t do tomorrow,” Lexa yawned.
“It’s 2am here Lexa, I’ve spent 4 hours waiting for you to call me just to say that you can’t talk
because you are tired.”
“You weren’t tired two days ago when you were out with Costia.”
“Might as well.”
“Of the bitch on the other side of the world who keeps you awake when you just wanna sleep.”
“Clarke…”
“Maybe you should drop her and get on with Costia, she seems real fucking nice.”
“Yeah so busy we can’t even find time to talk. Maybe we shouldn’t talk at all then.”
“What do you want me to say Lexa?,” Clarke said. “That I’m over the moon because we are not
talking? That I’m so happy with how things are going?,” Clarke looked away from the camera.
“I’m so fucking happy right now. This is exactly what I hoped my life would look like.”
Screen went black and Lexa was left alone in the darkness of her room.
“I missed you.”
“Yes, there’s not as much yelling anymore,” Lexa said. “You look tired.”
Clarke yawned, “I’ll be fine,” she said. “What are your plans for tonight?”
“In the morning? Of course,” Lexa smiled. “If you go to sleep now.”
“Tell me a story,” Clarke laid down and put her phone on the pillow.
That night Lexa didn’t watch a movie or slept, she did something much better. She watched Clarke
sleep on the other side of the world.
“You look like shit. Are you sleeping at all? You don’t have to spend every hour of the day
studying.”
“I am sleeping.”
“Nothing.”
“Anya.”
“Nothing happened.”
“It’s hard.”
“She said she’d call me and she didn’t. I waited for 2 hours before giving up and going to bed,”
Lexa sighed.
Anya lifted her brow, “Clarke does not think you are cheating on her,” she said. “What has gotten
into you?”
“What?,” Anya said. “You’ve been together for 3 years and it’s been only five months, get your shit
together.”
“Because you are not used to being apart, not even for a day, let alone for 5 months. Just chill a bit
will you,” Anya said. “She’ll be home in a month.”
“I’m scared.”
“Clarke.”
“Why are you so jealous of something and someone you have no reason to be.”
“Would you be jealous if I were to spend every waking hour with some hot chick.”
“I wouldn’t if you were to tell me that she’s just a friend and that I have nothing to worry about.”
“I honestly don’t know why you are so sprung out over this,” Lexa said. “Do you want me to stay in
and not go anywhere?”
“It’s your choice to go out with her and not stay in with me.”
“Clarke you’ve just got back from being out. Why didn’t you spend time with me instead?”
“Why? Because you would never even look at someone and I’m over here seducing women left and
right.”
“I never said you were seducing anyone,” Clarke yelled.
“I’m not yelling at you, I’m trying to talk to you and you are playing dumb,” Clarke said. “She’s in
love with you.”
“She’s not.”
“She knows I have a girlfriend Clarke, I talk about you all the time.”
“I’m not gonna fight with you over this, it’s stupid and it makes no sense and you need to get it out
of your head.”
“What?”
“I will go out with my friends, just like you went out with yours.”
“Cl-,” Clarke ended the call before letting Lexa say anything else. “Fucking hell.”
“Clarke calm down,” it was hard seeing person you love cry and it was even harder when that
person was on the other side of her world and there was an ocean, thousands of miles of land and a
phone screen between you. “Please Clarke,” Raven begged her friend.
“Love has everything to do with this,” Raven tried to calm her down. “She loves you and you won’t
lose her.”
“I’m not there and she is and she’s gonna take her.”
“You’re gonna be home in a month, please calm down and just try to breathe,” Raven said. “I can
understand why you feel like you do and I can’t imagine how hard these past months have been for
you, especially after spending every day for three years within arms reach. It’s hard, I get it, we all
do, but you need to calm down and trust that what you have is strong enough.”
“I feel she gets progressively more annoyed with me every time we talk.”
“That’s not true,” Octavia said. “She clears out her schedule when you tell her you’ll call her.”
“But you have to understand that she also has to have a life,” Raven said. “You go out and hang
out with people and talk about having a great time, you can’t be mad at her for doing the same
thing. And that’s perfectly normal and you both should live your lives.”
It was strange and at the same time not strange at all to sit with Clarke in silence. They’ve done it a
million times million years ago. Clarke looked like she needed something, something she wasn’t
ready to ask for or say out loud. They sat next to each other, both looking at the empty glasses in
front of them. Lexa sat there and listened to Clarke breathing, slow and shallow, and Clarke sat there
pulling her own finger so much it had started to go white. “You’re gonna break your finger,” Lexa
decided to break the silence that was threatening to eat them alive.
Clarke chuckled and dropped her hands under the counter, “It’s a distraction.”
“He’s cheating on me,” Clarke whispered after another minute of silence. “Finn is cheating on me.”
Lexa didn’t know what to say, she didn’t even know if Clarke wanted her to say anything. There
were too many and not enough words. “Shocking I know,” Clarke chuckled. “He thinks I don’t
know,” she said. “It’s been going on for a while now.”
“I’m sorry,” it was the easiest and most honest thing Lexa could say.
“Are you really?,” she turned her head and looked at Lexa. Her eyes made Lexa want to scream.
Clarke chuckled. “No one knows and I want it to stay that way.”
“That’s…”
“I know you were with her after we broke up,” Clarke said. “With Costia.”
“It seems people I’m with have no trouble finding people they like more than me.”
“Clarke.”
“Was I really that bad that you are putting me in the same sentence with someone who is
disrespecting you like that?”
“You’ve done something much worse.” Clarke turned her head away, blinking away the tears that
were threatening to betray her.
“Then what should I say about things you did after we broke up?”
“Do what?”
“We do?”
“What?”
“You’ve let me look forward and talk nonstop about something for two weeks when you knew it
wasn’t going to happen?”
“Lexa c’mon. It’s just 4 more months. Then I’ll be there for a month and a half.”
“Yeah, and it’s been just 5 months since you’ve left. We are doing great.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I have to go.”
There’s still a crack in the wall where Lexa’s fist landed after she ended the call.
“I’ve told you I have a date with Clarke, she has the night free and I’m gonna stay in and we’ll
watch a movie or something.”
“4pm,” Lexa put Anya on speaker and sat on the floor. “In less than an hour.”
“Depends on when Clarke’s gonna fall asleep. I might do nothing or maybe go buy drinks to a
couple of people.”
“Don’t start.”
“I’m gonna go, I have to take a shower and eat something before she calls.”
She waited for a call that was supposed to take things to calmer waters. But then it was 4.30pm and
Clarke wasn’t responding to her calls. Then 5 came and Clarke didn’t respond to texts.
Lexa spent the next 3 hours walking up and down her room, praying that Clarke was alive and
hoping that nothing had happened.
“Do you know what time it is?,” Lexa was fuming. She didn’t even care that Clarke didn’t show up,
it was the not saying anything part that made her wanna kill her.
“It’s…. 3,” Clarke smiled. “Happy birthday. Or past birthday, but it’s still your birthday there.”
“So dramatic.”
“Shit, I forgot,” Clarke frowned. “I’m sorry, I forgot, they came in my room and made me go out
with them. I forgot.”
“Goodnight Clarke.”
It was the second time in as many weeks that they’ve talked. Lexa had sent 5 texts and Clarke had
sent 6. Neither of them called the other. “Not bad,” Lexa said. “Yours?”
“That’s nice.”
“I’m gonna study with some people,” Lexa said. “Then at some point in the day Anya will come
visit. I’ll take her for a dinner or something.”
“I will.” Lexa noticed Clarke looking at her watch 3 times in a minute. “Have you booked a
plane?”
“Not yet.”
“Will you?”
“I’m just asking,” Lexa said. “Raven and Octavia would like to see you.”
“Yes.”
“My problem?”
“Yes, what is your problem? Why are you trying to make us fight?”
“Yeah that would be such a shame because this thing we are doing now is so nice and fulfilling, I
feel so happy.”
“What?”
“I thought it was going to be different, this long distance thing, but I was wrong.”
“Lexa…”
“You are busy, I am busy, it’s been months since we had a normal conversation. Every time we talk
you spend half the time looking at your watch and counting down the minutes until you can say you
are tired and you wanna go to sleep.”
“In the last three months you’ve spent maybe 10 days without seeing Costia. Do you know how
many times you’ve seen me?”
“It’s my fault?”
“You made me go to London,” Clarke said. “If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t be here.”
“We were kids,” Lexa said after a couple of minutes. “We fell in love and we…,” she shook her
head. “What hurt me the most was that you somehow managed to find time for everyone but me.”
“She was a friend Clarke. Why is that so hard for you to understand even after all these years?”
“She had what I couldn’t have. I wasn’t sleeping for months when I first came there. Do you know
how hard it is to sleep alone when you’re used to having someone hold you.”
“What was I supposed to say? ‘Hey Lexa I miss you so much I cry myself to sleep every night’,
‘Hey Lexa I hate being here without you’, ‘Hey Lexa my heart is in thousand pieces’, ‘Hey Lexa
why did you make me leave?’. You were always so happy, smiling, it never looked like you…”
“That’s because I didn’t want to make you feel bad… It made my life fucking miserable. There I
was, crying in that fucking room only to see you happy. I thought I was stupid for…,” Lexa shook
the thought out of her head. “We’ve never had a problem talking and being honest, I don’t
understand how we went from that to that. ”
“It’s one thing to talk while lying in the same bed and something completely different to do it while
on different sides of the world.”
“You were the kindest, sweetest, funniest, most caring and lovable person in the whole world and I
was me,” Clarke looked away. “It was hard to believe you’d… it was easier to be self destructive.”
“Clarke, my whole heart was with you in that bed on the other side of the world. My every
thought… I’ve tried so hard…”
“It was never a mistake,” Clarke’s hands were shaking. She put them over Lexa’s on her face. “Do
you understand?”
“I’m sorry I never came back home. I’m sorry for all the stupid things I’ve said and done. I’m sorry I
chose…”
“Clarke you’ve done things I couldn’t have even imagined you’d do and I was and am your biggest
fan,” Lexa smiled. “You don’t have to apologize, it was never between choosing this or that, it was
only about doing the right thing for you,” Lexa said. “It’s always just and only about that. That’s the
only thing that matters. And I’d still move mountains if it meant you’d get what you deserve.”
“You do,” Lexa said. “Woman standing in front of me is far from the girl I said goodbye to on that
airport, but when I look into your eyes I still see the same blue I saw then and I’d do everything for
that blue.”
Clarke smiled, she pulled Lexa’s hands down and off of her face. “Do you like the hair?” It felt
surreal to have Clarke in front of her, holding her hands and smiling, no matter how cracked and lost
the smile seemed.
“There’s a lot less of it now,” sometimes it felt like not a day had passed and that they were 17 again.
“You tell me,” and sometimes Lexa couldn’t forget the miles between them.
“I have?”
“You didn’t think you’d be the only one keeping tabs on the other?”
“Well, with everything put aside, I am so proud of what you’ve accomplished,” Lexa said.
“That makes two of us.”
“We were.”
It was dangerous the way Clarke looked and how close she was. It was too dangerous. All those
years and it was still just a moment away. It was dangerous because Lexa wanted it and she knew
Clarke wasn’t going to stop her. But then there was a muffled buzzing somewhere in the room that
gave her a chance to escape. Lexa looked around the room, tapped her pockets but the buzzing was
still persistent. “That’s my phone,” Clarke said.
“Oh,” it was reality buzzing to remind them that they are far from where they were and even further
from where they could have been. “You’re not gonna take it?,” Lexa looked at Clarke’s eyes, bright
blue and begging her to ask what was on both of their minds. “Maybe it’s important.”
Clarke took the phone out of her pocket, looked at it and put it back where it was before, “Maybe,”
she said. “I should go. I’m sorry for jumping you like this.”
“It’s totally fine,” it was the most stupid thing Lexa could have said to the person waiting for a
different kind of stupid.
Clarke smiled, big and uninhibited, “It’s been so long but you are still the same old Lexa.”
“I’m glad you didn’t,” Clarke smiled. “Thanks for…,” Clarke waved her hand between their bodies,
“...this. It’s been…”
“Unforgettable.”
“Exactly.”
“Night Clarke,” Lexa opened the door and watched as Clarke took small, tiniest steps out of her
apartment. Maybe she was still waiting for the stupid to happen, or maybe she was just stealing every
second she could.
It wasn’t until much later that night that Lexa’s heart stopped beating like there was no tomorrow.
Chapter 4
“Yeah that wouldn’t be awkward at all. ‘Hey Lexa, do you mind if your ex girlfriend comes to your
birthday party?’”
Clarke kept staring at the ceiling in Raven’s bedroom. There was a crack in the far right corner of the
room. “You need a paint job.”
“You two look good together,” Clarke smiled. “Who would have thought.”
“I hope that’s a compliment,” Raven chuckled, then after a short pause added, “You can be my plus
one.”
“Anya doesn’t need to be my plus one for her sister’s birthday party.”
“It’s gonna be fun. You can meet all of Lexa’s fancy friends.”
“Clarke Griffin in my bed,” Anya was leaned on the door, “there’s a first time for everything.”
“What are we looking at?,” Anya lied at Clarke’s right side, with Raven on her left that put her in the
middle between her two friends.
“Don’t say anything,” Raven jumped in before Anya could say a proper response to Clarke
unknowingly agreeing with her. “And we’re not looking at that.”
“No, we are looking deep in our souls to find a good enough reason for Clarke to not go to Lexa’s
party.”
“Or we can ask the woman in charge,” Anya took out her phone, tapped her finger on Lexa’s name
and put her on speaker.
“Anya, what are you doing?,” Clarke tried to sit up but Raven pulled her back down.
“You forgot something?,” Clarke heart was aching and burning and crying, all at the same time
when she heard a voice too familiar answer Anya’s call.
“Don’t talk with your mouth full, haven’t I taught you anything?”
“Can you get on with it, you are wasting my precious lunch minutes.”
“I’m with Raven in our bed and we have a pretty girl stuck between us.”
“Ouch,” Anya groaned, “she’s getting aggressive.” On the other side of the bed Raven giggled and
Clarke couldn’t decide between speaking up or digging a hole in the bed and disappearing in it.
“I’m gonna hang up Anya,” Lexa sounded annoyed and Clarke decided she was gonna dig that hole.
“Clarke?”
Anya’s elbow landed somewhere between Clarke’s fifth and sixth rib. “Hi Lexa,” she decided hole
had to be deep enough so that no one ever finds her.
“I’m sorry about all this, it was Anya’s idea, terrible idea,” Clarke apologized.
“Don’t listen to that,” Anya said. “We’ve called to ask if we can make Clarke our plus one for the
party?”
“I told her to not do that,” Clarke said. “But you know these two, they don’t listen,” she smiled
awkwardly as if Lexa was somehow able to see her.
“They wouldn’t listen and you know the rest, I’m sorry we are interrupting your lunch.”
“Clarke,” Anya tried again, this time even pulling her hand, but with no help.
“We should probably leave you to it and forget this ever happened,” Clarke wasn’t breathing. “Yes
we should do that.”
“Clarke,” Lexa’s voice was finally able to shut her up, “relax.”
“Shut up Anya, I’m gonna deal with you later,” Lexa said. “Clarke.”
“Yes?”
“It’s gonna be people you know and a couple you can get to know,” Lexa said. “But it’s totally fine
if you don’t, don’t let Anya or Raven pr-”
“I would like to,” Clarke practically breathed out those couple of words.
“Okay then,” Lexa said. “I look forward to seeing you. And you Anya don’t know what’s coming
your way.”
“Byeee,” Anya ended the call before Lexa could say anything else. “See?”
“That was probably one of the most embarrassing things that happened to me.”
Fights with Finn were different. Clarke was never a passive person, she was never known to sit out a
fight or to not speak her mind. But with Finn it was different. Not in the beginning though. In the
beginning Clarke was furious and she showed it. Aftermaths of the fights were also different back
then. These days when he was done yelling, Clarke would go to sleep and he would, in most cases,
go out and Clarke didn’t care enough to ask where exactly.
This fight was going to be different. Clarke could feel it in her every bone. This time he was going to
yell about Lexa and she wasn’t going to sit that one out.
Clarke was standing a couple of feet away from him. He had just gotten back from work, he said.
And he started to yell from the moment he stepped into the apartment. “Can you not yell?,” she said
calmly.
“Can I not yell?,” it didn’t make him change his tone or attitude.
“Yes. Can we talk like two adults? Or is that too much to ask?”
“I will talk the way I want to, not the way you tell me to,” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me she was
your ex?”
“Why would I do that?”
“I will not talk with you until you lower your voice. You will not yell at me.”
“I will leave.”
“No, you won’t, you will stand there and tell me why you didn’t say anything? Why did you make
me look like a fool? I felt so fucking stupid,” he took another step and Clarke’s heart started to beat
just a bit faster. She had never seen him like that, and he had never yelled at her like that.
“We’ve lived on the other side of the world, there was no chance you’d ever see her,” Clarke said.
“You made me look like a fool. Is that something that makes you proud and happy? I’m probably a
laughing stock of all your friends. And her.”
“You think they are laughing at you because she’s my ex?,” Clarke made a mistake of laughing. It
only made him more angry.
“Now it makes sense why she was a such a bitch at that dinner.”
“I’m not?,” he laughed. “What, you’re gonna stop me?,” he walked and walked until his body
bumped into Clarke’s. “What the fuck is wrong with you?,” he had the type of rage in his eyes that
made Clarke’s stomach drop and make her wanna run to the other side of the universe.
“Can you step away from me?,” Clarke’s breathing was hard and heavy and she was trying hard not
to show it. He smiled and tried to put his hands on her hips. “Don’t touch me,” she yanked them
away.
“Why not? It’s been a while.” Clarke took a step back, trying to put some space between them, but
he followed her. “I can remind you why you are with me and not with her.”
“Look at you, threatening and everything,” he chuckled but he did stop and took a step back, away
from Clarke.
“I’m not threatening,” Clarke’s heart was slowly but surely starting to go back to normal. Clarke
sighed, “What are we doing Finn?” He frowned but didn’t say anything. “Why are we still doing
this?”
“This… pretending,” Clarke said. “You were available and I was a trophy. We have nothing in
common.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he crossed his arms and took a more defensive stand.
“But I’m telling you that you don’t have to,” Clarke said, “this is not working. We both know that.
You must know that.”
“I was joking.”
“You weren’t.”
“You are wrong if you think I’m gonna let you be with that…”
“Be careful Finn, don’t say things you know you shouldn’t.”
“Just peace.”
“I’ve paid for it,” Clarke said, “but you can have it, I don’t care. I have friends more than happy to
lend a bed, I’m not so sure if you do.”
“Goodbye Finn.”
Clarke had options, she always had options. She could’ve gone to Octavia, but then Lincoln was
going to be there and that was like going to Lexa’s place. There was also Raven, but there was also
Anya. She couldn’t help but laugh, in the middle of the street, at 10pm. Two of her best friends were
in love with brother and sister of her ex love.
In the end, she opted for the closest hotel she could find. Tomorrow she was going to be human, but
for that night, she had to be just Clarke.
She got a room she didn’t care about on the second floor of a hotel whose name she didn’t know.
She only packed one bag before she left. Some clothes, her sketchbook and a big box full of
memories. Clarke knew she’d have to go back eventually and pack and do all that things people do
when they break up with the person they’ve been living with, but the good thing was that most of her
stuff was still in boxes, unpacked. She wasn’t going to have much trouble moving them from place
A to place B. She just had to decide what place B was going to be.
When she got to the room, she placed the bag next to the bed and lied down with her eyes closed. It
was an ugly thing to think, but she didn’t care about what happened not even an hour before and she
knew, no matter how much he pretended, Finn didn’t care either.
Maybe he did love her once upon a time, but they got to the point where she didn’t mind living with
him and he had something to brag about.
Clarke laughed when she realized how his latest bragging ended. She wondered if he said
something, or if Cage said something, or if maybe Lexa was there. Maybe they were in court and
they were up against her and Finn had said something and Cage told him who she was to Clarke.
It was a nice thought to entertain, but Clarke knew it was probably far from what happened. It was
probably an intern talking too much. Clarke did wonder how could anyone know about something
that ended so many years ago. It’s not as if Lexa or Clarke went around announcing to the world
what they were and what had happened. Clarke for sure wasn’t the one to remind herself or anyone
else. And Lexa probably wasn’t a fan herself.
This time Clarke will have to go around announcing what had happened. It was so much different
last time she was lying in bed, having ended a relationship. She was crying for one. She couldn’t
stop crying for hours and days.
That time she wanted to disappear from the face of the Earth, make everything and everyone stop,
she didn’t want to exist.
Clarke pushed herself on her elbows and looked down at the bag on the floor. She could remember
the last time she had a bag almost identical to that laying next to her. She could remember the sounds
that were surrounding her, she could remember tears in her mother’s eyes and she could remember
the feeling of Lexa’s body pressed against her. The way her heart was beating, how she was trying
to hide her hands shaking, the warmth of her breath and the promises she made.
But Clarke couldn’t remember what Finn was wearing an hour ago.
Her mind drifted off to a different time. She was 17 again and sitting in Lexa’s kitchen, watching her
bake cookies. She had a cup of hot chocolate in front of her and a heart full of hope.
“Clarke were you listening to me?,” Lexa smiled at her even though her words or the tone of her
voice wasn’t the smiley one. That was what she loved about her the most. Lexa always had a smile
for Clarke.
“How it’s gonna be great to wife you someday,” Clarke jumped from her chair and walked around
the counter to Lexa. “You cook, you bake and you’re great in bed,” she put her hands on both sides
of Lexa’s neck.
“My hands are dirty,” Lexa whispered when Clarke pushed her body into Lexa’s.
“Like I care,” she leaned her head and kissed Lexa. Clarke dropped her hands from Lexa’s neck,
gliding them down her shoulders and arms before grabbing her by the wrist and putting Lexa’s
hands on her hips.
There was a time when Clarke tried to drink those memories away, good and bad. But the more she
tried, the more they came back.
Like memories of that night that turned out to be the beginning of the end. The night of Lexa’s
birthday, or the day of. It was supposed to be a restart. Clarke wanted it more than anything in the
world. But then she saw photos of Lexa hugging that girl. She saw photos of Costia’s lips pressed
against Lexa’s cheek, her hand hanging loose around Lexa’s neck. Photos of Lexa being happy.
Clarke’s insecurities won over her common sense. Distance was just too much to bear. She went out
and didn’t come back until it was too late for any new beginning or restart.
“Stupid fucking child,” Clarke sighed into the empty hotel room.
She took out her phone, her finger hovered over a name that made her heart skip a beat, even after all
those years. She went with the safer one.
“Clarke?”
“So fucking stupid. I’ve put all the blame on her and she only had friends. She tried to tell me but I
just wouldn’t listen, because I’m so fucking stupid.”
Somewhere next to Raven, Clarke heard a voice she could recognize anytime and anywhere.
“Where are you?,” Clarke asked.
“I’m interrupting something, I’m so sorry, I should have texted before calling.”
“Clarke you are not interrupting anything,” Raven said. “We just had dinner. Are you okay?”
“Clarke it’s just Anya and Lexa. Tell me what’s wrong?” The only thing Clarke was capable of
doing was breathing. “Clarke?,” Raven called her name when she didn’t say anything for more than
a minute. “Clarke I know you are there,” Raven said, “tell me what’s wrong.”
“I’ve never apologized,” Clarke sighed. “I’ve done some really stupid shit and I’ve never properly
apologized. And she’s so…”
“Oh.”
“In a hotel.”
“Okay but…”
“You don’t have to lie, if they ask tell them it was me on the phone, that I just needed to talk and that
everything is fine.”
“No, just a clouded judgement,” Raven said. “First step is admitting and it’s the hardest one. Leap
forward and you will be fine.”
“Thank you.”
“Happy birthday Lex,” Costia kissed her cheek and hugged her. “Booze and candy, your fav,” she
gave Lexa the bag she was holding.
“All is set.”
“Of course it is,” Costia laughed. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be you. Am I the first one?”
“You are,” Lexa said. “Do you want something to eat, drink?”
“No, I’ll wait for the others. I don’t wanna be rude.” They sat on the couch, next to each other. “So
how many people are we expecting?”
“Ten or so.”
“Wild party.”
“I don’t know,” Lexa said. “She came here the other night, it was… strange.”
“You talked?,” Costia turned sideways and leaned her head on the couch.
“We did yes. She might still hold a couple of grudges against you.”
“I kinda understand her,” Costia said. “I was very much in love with you, or at least I thought I was.
And she was far far away, a spectator.”
“But I wasn’t.”
“Ouch, my heart.”
“I did and you used to talk about her non stop, even if I wanted I knew I had no chance.”
“She doesn’t seem to understand that, not then and not now,” Lexa sighed. “I’m pretty sure she
thinks I cheated.”
“Then she’s even more insecure than I thought,” Costia said. “How do you feel about all that?”
“All what?”
“Maybe, but I’ve been thinking, and it’s the only fair thing to do,” Costia said. “No matter what she
thinks and how wrong she could be, I should say something.”
“You look tired,” Costia decided to ignore her. “Are you sleeping?”
“Sometimes.” A loud sound spread through the room. “Looks like my guests have arrived.” Lexa got
up from where she was sitting and walked to the door.
“Hey birthday girl!,” Luna hugged Lexa as soon as the door opened. “Love you to the Moon and
back.”
“Love you too,” Lexa smiled. She looked over Luna’s shoulder and saw she wasn’t the only one.
“Don’t look so surprised, you said 6 and it’s 6 now,” Lincoln was the next one in line. “Happy
birthday,” he smiled before he kissed Lexa’s forehead.
Then there was Octavia, nearly crashing Lexa to the floor and then Anya.
Lexa closed the door and with hands full of boxes and bags she went to her bedroom. “Make
yourselves comfortable, eat and drink all you want,” she said before disappearing.
Lexa used to love her birthdays. When she was younger it meant presents and when she was a bit
older it meant fun with friends. Sometime, along the way, birthdays became a hassle. Lexa knew the
exact moment, but pretended that she just got over it. But those people in her living room knew she
didn’t just get over it.
Lexa took a deep breath, put her shield back up and went back to the living room. A couple of
minutes later, someone was knocking on her door, and because it was knocking and not ringing she
knew it was Raven. She closed her eyes and opened them when she opened the door. And there they
were.
“Happy birthday, ya filthy animal,” Raven was first. She hugged her and kissed her cheek, and Lexa
tried to ignore the blonde girl standing behind Raven. “Many more to come,” Raven said.
“Thank you.”
It was Clarke’s turn now. “Hi,” she had a big box in her hands. “This is for you, it’s kinda heavy,”
she awkwardly pushed it into Lexa’s hands. “Happy birthday,” she smiled.
Lexa welcomed the box being shoved in her hands because a touch would’ve been too much.
“Thank you,” she said. “Come on, inside,” she said to both Raven and Clarke. “Everyone is already
in,” Lexa pushed the door with her leg. “I’m gonna go put this in my room, I’ll be right back,” she
said.
“What’s wrong?,” Lexa managed to sneak up on her without Clarke noticing. She was standing in
the corner of the room, alone and with a drink in her hand.
“Since when?,” Lexa lifted her brow. “And 6 people is hardly a crowd.”
“It’s your birthday I should ask you why are you not there.”
“I like this place,” Clarke said, it was an opportunity to look away from Lexa, “it’s very you. But
there is one thing I don’t like.”
“What’s that?”
“Yeah,” Lexa said, “I couldn’t find the right painting to put up. And I’m still waiting for the one that
you didn’t let me buy.”
“It’s too dark, you need something lighter, so it doesn’t drown in all this you have going on,” Clarke
smiled.
“Then draw me something lighter,” Lexa said. “You could use a bit of color.”
Lexa laughed, “That’s fair,” Lexa put her hand behind Clarke’s back, her fingertips barely touched it
before Clarke shivered. Lexa quickly pulled her hand away. “Come, there’s one person you still
don’t know.”
“Birthday girl where’s the music?,” Luna asked when they walked to where she was sitting with
Costia. “I don’t think I know you,” she frowned when she saw Clarke. “Wait, are you Clarke?”
“Behave Luna,” Lexa warned.
“Luna,” Lexa said. Clarke saw a streak of pink spreading across Lexa’s cheeks.
“People cut their hair,” Costia was smiling when her eyes crossed path with Clarke’s.
“I’m just shocked that you really exist,” Luna grinned. “I’ve heard so much about you I thought you
were some kind of a mythical being...”
“No, you shut up,” Luna pulled Clarke’s hand and made her sit next to her. “Tell me Clarke, how
big of a nerd Lexa really was?”
“They became friends because Lexa was a huge nerd,” Costia said.
“You won’t, Clarke will save us,” Luna smirked. “This one used to never shut up about you,” she
said to Clarke.
“Oh just everything, it was Clarke this, Clarke that, Clarke likes this, Clarke doesn’t like that, look at
this thing Clarke drew, look how pretty Clarke is… Things like that.”
“Luna, come here for a second,” Anya called from the other side of the room.
“It was nice to meet you Clarke,” Luna smiled before leaping off to where Anya was.
“Forgive her, she just doesn’t know when to stop talking,” Costia said.
“You should probably go talk to the rest of your guests, you don’t want them feel unwelcome,”
Costia looked at Lexa.
“Off you go birthday girl,” Costia leaned and pushed Lexa further away.
“I’ll be back,” Lexa said before she left Costia and Clarke alone.
“She’s a mess,” Costia said after a couple moments of silence. She was looking at Lexa talking to
Octavia. “But you can probably see that,” she smiled at Clarke.
“Listen, I…”
“Sure.”
“I’m sorry if something I’ve said or done has hurt you, in any way. I’ve never wanted that to
happen.”
“And she’s never done anything, please don’t think she did.”
“Costia, it’s okay,” Clarke said. “I should be the one apologizing, to both you and Lexa. I was a
grade A bitch. Probably still am.”
“No, you weren’t you were just alone and distance makes you think a lot, sometimes you see things
that don’t exist and other times you…,” Costia sighed. “I can’t even imagine,” she looked back at
Lexa. “I mean I can, I’ve seen what it did to her, but still… I really am sorry if I was a cause of any
of your pain. I hope one day you and I can be friends.”
Lexa had been ignoring the big blue box, sitting in the corner of her room, for over a week. It was
the one Clarke gave her for her birthday and Lexa felt stupid for still not opening it. But, every time
she’d look at it, there was something inside her telling her to just close her eyes, turn her head the
other way, pretend there was nothing there. It was just a box with just a present and it was just
Clarke’s present in the big blue box.
“Have you opened it yet?,” Anya asked over coffee six days after the birthday.
“It’s not? I could’ve sworn it was.” Anya had been asking and pestering and trying to make her
finally open it. “If it was a bomb it would’ve already blown up,” she told her day after the birthday.
“Are you scared a clown will jump out of it once you open it?,” she asked after two days. “You
think you’ll like it, that’s why you are avoiding it,” she said day after that.
“That trickery is not working for me. Why haven’t you opened it yet? Do you want me to come over
and do it for you?”
“No.”
“Then just open it,” Anya sighed. “Don’t you wanna know what it is?”
“Or because Raven won’t tell you,” Lexa said knowingly. “All this is just making me wanna wait
even more before I open it.”
“Is it now?,” Anya leaned back in the chair. “Can’t wait to find out what Clarke thinks about it.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Watch me,” Anya smirked before pulling out her phone. “They are gonna be here in a couple of
minutes.”
“You wish,” Anya chuckled. She picked up the empty coffee cup in front of Lexa and put it in the
sink.
“So am I.”
Almost at the same time that Lexa got up, wanting to leave before Clarke got there and Anya did
something stupid, the door swung open and Raven and Clarke walked in. “Oh,” Raven briefly
stopped when she saw Lexa, “Lexa, didn’t know you were here,” she said. “We would’ve brought
more food.” Clarke was just behind her with two pizza boxes in her hands. She looked away when
she saw Lexa was there. It was just like Anya to not tell them Lexa was there. “I was just getting
ready to leave,” Lexa said.
“No, no, you should stay,” Raven rushed to stop Lexa from leaving, “we can order more if this
won’t be enough.”
“No, really, I have an early meeting tomorrow and I should get going.”
Lexa wished she could wipe the stupid grin from Anya’s face, “You shut up.”
“You shouldn’t be talking like that to your older sister,” Anya said.
“I feel like we’ve missed something,” Raven laughed. Lexa could see Clarke standing behind Raven.
Being mad, or pretending to be mad at Anya, gave Lexa a chance to follow Clarke around the room.
When she walked in she looked more than surprised to see Lexa standing on the other side of the
room, she was never really that good at hiding her feelings, especially not with Lexa around. It was
always loud and obvious and in your face, be it happiness, anger or sadness. This time Clarke looked
confused and anxious. Anxious part was visible from her shuffling her feet, walking then stopping.
She put the boxes on the kitchen counter, stood next to Anya and poured herself a glass of water.
Never once looking at Lexa. “Clarke is on my side,” Anya put her hand around Clarke’s neck and
winked at Lexa.
“Oh no, don’t put me in the middle of whatever you two have going on, that never ended good for
me,” Clarke said.
“See?,” Clarke looked at Anya and leaned her head on Anya’s shoulder.
Anya whispered something in Clarke’s ear that made her smile in a way that made Lexa’s heart want
to jump out of her chest.
“It’s not nice to whisper behind people’s back,” Raven opened one of the boxes and took a slice of
pizza.
“We are not behind your back,” Clarke was still smiling.
“She’s fuming,” Anya said pointing her finger at Lexa. “Should we tell her?”
“Tell me what?,” Lexa frowned. She walked closer and stood next to where Raven was sitting and
eating her pizza.
“I don’t know, we’ve kept it a secret all this time,” Clarke bit her lip. “She might kill us.”
“You were just an accomplice. I’m gonna tell her,” Anya looked up at Lexa.
“I wanna know what this big thing you are talking about is. And why don’t I know about it?,”
Raven asked.
“It’s about that time when my chocolate chip cookies were better than Lexa’s,” Anya grinned.
“Ohhh, the great depression,” Raven laughed. “I remember that. And I know what the secret is,” she
smirked.
“Do you remember the weekend after?,” Anya asked and at first Lexa didn’t understand what the
weekend after had to do with anything. Then she saw a hint of red on Clarke’s cheeks and then she
remembered.
“Sure,” Anya said. “It was also the first time you two were in the house alone, with the freedom to
do whatever.”
Raven was barely holding her laugh, Anya wasn’t even trying and Clarke’s smile was the biggest
yet. “Why do you all know something I don’t?”
“I made a deal with Anya,” Clarke pulled her bottom lip between her teeth.
“I’d pick her cookie as the better ones and in return she took your mom and Lincoln for a weekend
trip.”
It all started in Lexa’s stomach, the warmth that kept climbing up and up, filling her chest, neck and
face with something she forgot she could feel. “Wow,” the smile on her face just kept getting bigger
and bigger, no matter how hard she tried to stop it.
“I almost chickened out when I saw that sad puppy look on your face.”
“Bet that didn’t last long,” Anya said and earned an elbow in ribs from Clarke. “Ouch,” she pulled
her hand away from Clarke’s neck. “She still hasn’t opened her present.” Clarke frowned but then
her eyes softened and her lips curled in the faintest smile.
“When there are no witnesses around, I’m gonna kill you,” Lexa said.
“Yeah, I have nothing to wear to prison,” Clarke jumped in. “Or funeral for that matter.”
“Next time you won’t plead the fifth,” Anya smirked. She took the opened box of pizza and pulled
Raven by hand. “C’mon babe, let’s go watch something,” they settled on the couch, couple of feet
behind Lexa’s back.
“I’m sorry for tricking you all those years ago,” Clarke finally said.
“Who says it’s the only one?,” Clarke lifted her brow.
“Clarke Griffin, don’t play with me,” Lexa smiled. “I apologize for the stunt Anya pulled.”
“Oh.”
“It’s not?”
“I was hoping for a different kind of reaction, or any reaction at all,” Clarke said. “Shit, now you’ll
feel pressured to have some kind of a reaction,” she sighed. “Let’s forget these last couple of
minutes.”
“Relax,” Lexa smiled. “Now I’m just curious what it is.”
“I have a really big mouth. I don’t know when it grew this big.”
“I think it’s the perfect size.” Lexa wanted to dig a hole under her feet and disappear without saying
a word ever again to anyone.
“Sure.”
“Why haven’t you opened it?,” Clarke chewed on the inside of her cheek before speaking again. “I
mean it’s not like you have to, but it’s just…”
“Oh,” Lexa couldn’t read what it was in Clarke’s eyes. “You don’t have to hurry though,” Clarke
said. “It’s just a stupid little thing,” she smiled.
Clarke pulled the remaining pizza box between them and opened it. She took the first slice and
waited for Lexa to take one.
Lexa took a slice and they continued to eat in silence. Occasionally Lexa would catch herself staring,
or Clarke’s gaze turned out to be too hard to hold, so she’d look down. Other times her heart would
be beating so fast she couldn’t do anything but stare. At the way Clarke’s lips were curled up in a
small smile, the way her cheeks had a tiny bit of red, at the blue in Clarke’s eyes that she missed so
much.
“I have to tell you something before Anya blurts it,” Clarke ended the silence they fell into.
“More than,” Clarke assured her. “It wasn’t working, as you could probably tell,” she chuckled, “it
was for the best, for both of us to just end it. Even though he wasn’t as willing as I thought he’d be.”
“No, no, he didn’t, he was just against it, for a short second,” Clarke said.
“It’s not my place to pry,” Lexa smiled. “But you look better than you did last time I saw you,” Lexa
said. “I don’t mean physically, I mean yes that too, but more like how you are and… You look
different, let’s leave it at that.”
“I’ve done some soul searching,” Clarke said. “Maybe it’s that.”
Lexa was sure that the smile Clarke flashed was going to haunt her later that night. “Wait, you two
lived together, right?,” she asked.
“Yeah,” Clarke said. “I moved out. Or I’m in the process of moving out.”
“Oh.”
“I’m staying here, for a couple of days, week maybe, until I find a place,” Clarke said. “I would’ve
stayed in a hotel but they insisted.”
“I for sure would’ve killed Anya if she let you sleep in a hotel.” A blush spread across Lexa’s cheeks
as soon as the words left her mouth. “I didn’t mean it like that,” she quickly said. “I’m sorry, that
whole situation must be hard,” she changed the subject back to Clarke’s breakup.
“Well, I guess it depends how you look at it,” Clarke said. “The whole moving thing is, the whole
breakup thing not so much. God, I must sound like a bitch.”
“I know you’re not, so it doesn’t really matter how it sounds,” Lexa said. “What do you say we take
this pizza and go ruin Anya’s night?”
A big blue box with pretty white ribbon was waiting in the corner of Lexa’s room.
Lexa got home later than she thought she would. It was supposed to be one coffee with Anya and
then it turned out into a whole night spent watching TV and eating pizza with Clarke by her side.
The night wasn’t what Lexa thought it would be, but if she were to be honest, she’d admit that it was
better.
It was past midnight when she got out of the shower and got in bed.
She had to sleep. But the big blue box in the far right corner of the room was louder than her brain
yelling at her to just close her eyes and sleep.
She got up and sat on the floor, couple of inches away from the big blue box. She pulled one end of
the ribbon and let it fall on the floor.
“It just a box Lexa,” she laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation, shook her head in disbelief
and opened the blue box.
For a moment her heart stopped beating and she forgot how to breathe. She picked up the first
bundle of paper, with the neatly tied bow around it. Then the second one. Then the one behind, then
the next one, until there were ten thick bundles of paper spread on the floor.
She took the one that was on the top of the box and removed the bow. Every piece of paper had a
neatly written date in the upper right corner and Lexa’s name with a heart next to it in the lower right
corner.
Lexa smiling.
“Oh Clarke.” It was useless trying to stop the tears that were about to roll down her cheeks. Lexa
didn’t have the strength to even try. She had a box full of Clarke’s memories.
She took the next bundle and looked through the drawings. Some had tiny scribbled notes on them.
The one where Lexa was watching the ocean Clarke had written ‘can’t wait to be there with you’.
The one where Lexa was sleeping had ‘you fell asleep on me and i’ve never seen something as cute’
written on it.
Lexa was getting close to the date when they last spoke. ‘future scares me now’ Clarke wrote under
the drawing of Lexa looking in the distance. Next two bundles were just drawings of Lexa from the
back. But Clarke had never missed a day.
The drawing with the date from the day of Clarke’s first art show had Lexa looking at the painting
hanging on the wall, ‘wish you were there’, Clarke wrote under it.
Under the first drawing of Lexa’s face, after hundreds without it, Clarke wrote ‘i miss this’.
Lexa rushed through the rest of it until she got to the last one.
The day of her birthday. It was the first and only one without a drawing, just the note ‘there are
things i’ve said and done that i’m going to regret until the day i die. it was never your fault.’
Lexa spent the night on her bedroom floor surrounded with hundreds of drawings Clarke made for
her of her.
When the sun started to peek through the window, Lexa cancelled the meeting and called in sick.
She curled up in her bed, fighting the urge to call Clarke. Soon sleep took over her and Lexa
would’ve been grateful if Clarke wasn’t the only thing she dreamed of.
When she woke up, a couple of hours later, her phone was ringing. Lexa rolled over and saw it was
Costia. Sixth time with twice as much texts.
“I’m five minutes away from your place, do you want me to come?”
Lexa remembered the drawings scattered around her bed. “No,” she said.
“I can bring you food and make you something hot to drink.”
“Costia, it’s-”
Costia ended the call before Lexa could say anything else. She got up from the bed and put the
drawings back in the big blue box and closed it. She went into bathroom, splashed her face with cold
water and tried to not look like she had spent the night crying.
“I gave you that key in case of an emergency,” Lexa said when she saw her walking to her.
“You shouldn’t have come,” Lexa lied down on the couch and closed her eyes.
Lexa heard Costia walk and then she felt Costia’s fingers on her hand. “What did she do?”
“She didn’t do anything,” Lexa sat up and put her hand over her face. “She’s not the devil, you
know?”
“I know,” Costia pulled her hand off of her face,” but you have heartbreak in your eyes and she’s the
only one that can do that.”
“She gave a present for my birthday, a box full of ten years worth of drawings, doodles of me.”
“I was so sure I was over it all, her and what happened and… I don’t know what to do.”
Costia got up from the floor and sat next to Lexa. For the next couple of minutes she did nothing but
rub Lexa’s back. “What do you want to do?,” she eventually said. “Not what you think you should
do, but what you really want?”
“Why?”
“You don’t?”
“Well I don’t think you forget anything,” Costia said. “I think you just don’t care. I’ve seen you
spend so many years convincing yourself you were over your highschool romance, but then every
time someone mentioned her, for a tiniest moment, your face would light up the same way it did
when you were still together and you were talking about her. Then it would disappear and you’d be
back to your poker face.”
“There no chance things are ever going back to the way they were.”
“That would be the smart thing to do, no matter if you end up doing it with Clarke or without her,”
Costia chuckled. “But I think you should see her and talk with her. But spend less time talking and
more listening,” she got up. “Just don’t hole up in your room like the last time.”
It was 3pm when Clarke got the text she wasn’t expecting.
Or for coffee.
If you want.
That’d be nice.
Tonight?
7?
Lexa opened her present. Clarke knew there was no other reason why Lexa would send her that text
out of nowhere. It either went the way Clarke wanted it or really really bad.
“I’m going to Lexa’s place later,” she put the phone down. Raven was sitting next to her, they were
watching some movie Clarke didn’t know the name or plot of.
“You are?”
“I think she saw the drawings and wants to talk about it.”
“Maybe.”
“I do, yes.”
It was 3 when Lexa texted her and 7 came with a blink of an eye. Clarke was in front of Lexa’s
door, gathering courage to ring the bell. “Just Lexa,” she whispered to herself as waited for Lexa to
open the door. It was a matter of seconds before Lexa appeared in front of her in sweatpants and a
shirt, her hair was damp and curly. Clarke couldn’t help but smile. “Hi,” she said.
“Hi. Come in,” Lexa looked nervous, the type of nervous that made her not be able to stand still.
Clarke walked in and turned around to face her. “I have to say something.”
“We have to talk,” Lexa was keeping a safe distance between them.
“Yes.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Clarke.”
“I’m sorry for giving up,” Clarke couldn’t look Lexa in the eyes. “When I left, the only thing that
kept me going, that made me get up from the bed in the morning and go to class and survive the day,
was the fact that I’d be going home to you in 6 months.”
“But I’ve never even imagined it to be that hard. It was so hard Lexa. We went from spending every
minute of every hour of every day together to Skype calls and texts and I didn’t know how to cope
or deal with it,” Clarke said. “I started to imagine you with all the people you kept talking about, then
I started seeing you with them and I convinced myself that you didn’t miss me.”
“Clarke…,” Lexa looked like she wanted to reach and touch her. But she didn’t, she just stood there
and watched her.
“I hated them. It was so easy and so stupid, but I was so jealous of everyone,” Clarke chuckled. “I
even tried to get you to be jealous, but I never managed to do it.”
“I was jealous.”
“Then you were really good at hiding it,” Clarke said. “I’m sorry I missed your birthday. I remember
being so excited about it,” Lexa’s eyes carried sadness Clarke had never seen before there. Clarke
shook her head. “I got plane tickets.”
“Cl-”
“But then a photo of Costia, kissing you here,” Clarke put a finger on her jaw, just below her mouth,
“popped on my phone. You told me you weren’t going out before our call, that you’d spend the
morning alone, and my mind processed that photo as you lying to me.”
“They surprised me, I didn’t know they were going to do that, I told them I had a date with you, but
they came for five minutes and left and it was just that.”
“I know that now, but in that moment I just wanted to do something to hurt you as much as that hurt
me.”
“I teared it up, before going out, like a complete idiot that I am.”
“Oh Clarke,” Lexa sat on the floor, she knew ground was the only thing solid enough to keep her
from crumbling to pieces. “Why didn’t you say something? Why did you turn us into one of those
people who don’t talk and… Jesus.”
Lexa laughed, her head fell back and hit the chair behind her, “You kept yelling at me, telling me to
not hang out with her.”
“I know,” Clarke felt empty, “I should’ve yelled how much I loved you.”
“You were the smartest and most beautiful woman in the world and you were surrounded with smart
and pretty girls and I was on the other side of the world, drawing and being annoying.”
Lexa got up on her feet, “Clarke,” she closed the distance between them.
“I was…”
“No, stop,” it looked like Lexa was searching for something in Clarke’s eyes. “Close your eyes.”
“Lexa I-”
“Close your eyes Clarke please.” After hesitating, Clarke did eventually close her eyes. “Do you
know what haunts me to this day?,” Lexa’s words were soft and just above a whisper. “Do you
remember that day when we got in a fight about you going or not going?”
“Do you remember what you told me that night when I came back to your house?”
Clarke’s eyes snapped open, “Lexa, those were just words I said, it didn’t…”
“I don’t trust myself when I’m looking at your eyes.” As Clarke closed her eyes again, a tear rolled
down her cheek. Lexa caught it before it got to Clarke’s mouth. “You kept your promise.”
“Always.”
“I used to break down crying every time I tried to draw your face.”
“Ah, that’s why the ones in the gallery were so rough and angry looking,” Lexa said. “I kinda cry
laughed when I saw that the first one where I had a face was me peeking behind a book.”
Clarke opened her eyes and grinned, “I caved in, I just couldn’t help it, I begged Anya for a photo
and it was you reading something, looking over the book and it reminded me of all those times when
you used to pretend you were studying but were in fact staring at me using a book as a co-”
Suddenly Clarke felt she was in heaven. She wished that was what death would feel like.
Lexa’s hands cupping her face, her thumbs slowly caressing her cheek.
Before Clarke even had a chance to react, Lexa’s tongue was in her mouth, accompanied with a
muffled moan. A hand was in her hair and the other was going down her back pulling her closer and
closer and closer until she couldn’t tell Lexa’s heartbeats from her own.
There was an unfamiliar sense of urge in Lexa kissing her. It wasn’t exploring, it wasn’t
remembering, it wasn’t catching up. It was taking and taking and Clarke felt like she was about to
explode.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled out but didn’t stop taking. Her hand somehow ended under Clarke’s shirt,
lighting on fire everything she touched, both on skin and behind it.
“Lexa,” Clarke’s hand was on the side of Lexa’s neck, “stop,” she whispered.
There was a panic in Lexa’s eyes when she pulled back, one that Clarke knew, one she saw once
before. “Just, slow down.”
“I’m sorry,” Lexa stepped away from Clarke. “I don’t know why I did that, I’m sorry,” Lexa’s lips
were red and swollen and Clarke didn’t know if it was Lexa’s doing or her own. “I shouldn’t have
done that. It won’t happen again.”
Where there was a warmth of Lexa’s hands and body, just a second ago, now there was a cold
nothing. “Do you want me to leave?.” All Clarke wanted to hear was a simple no.
“Yeah, maybe you should.” But she got the one thing she dared to hope she wouldn’t get.
“Okay,” she nodded. Before she opened the door she turned around once more, “I just want you to
know that I forgive you everything you think you did wrong. I’ve forgiven you everything there was
to forgive a long time ago. You deserve a life without regrets and if me forgiving something means
you will have it, then I forgive you everything,” Clarke tried to smile. “And I hope one day when
you think of me you won’t have that sadness that’s filling your eyes and that you’ll forgive every
stupid thing I’ve done, because I swear if I could do it again I’d never ever do it like that.”
Clarke closed the door and walked as if her life depended on her getting out of that building and far
from Lexa as fast as she could. Once she got out she continued to walk, she didn’t care where, she
just had to keep going and going and going. But then she felt something, someone, grab her hand
and stop her. She heard a faint “Clarke,” and the next second she was in Lexa’s arms, being kissed.
Soft and gentle. Clarke almost forgot how soft Lexa was.
Lexa’s hand was on Clarke’s chest before going around her neck, “I’ll put it out.” Clarke felt like she
was seventeen again, laying in her bed with Lexa hovering above her.
“Not like that you won’t,” Clarke chuckled when Lexa pulled back again.
“It’s not sadness,” Lexa leaned her forehead on Clarke’s. “It’s regret for not getting on a plane and
slapping some sense into this head of yours.”
Lexa was the one who asked and Clarke was the one who said yes before Lexa even finished the
sentence. They’ve spent that first night in a bar of all places, talking about missed years. They never
touched or dreamed of doing what they did on the street, but Clarke did get a good night hug.
“Well if it means anything I think you are doing something great and your mom must be so proud,
everyone probably is.”
They were on the second bottle of wine. Halfway through the first one Clarke felt it getting to her
head. She felt light headed and light hearted and she never even thought about stopping herself from
staring.
“Thank you Clarke.” Lexa smiled then put her glass down and laughed. “I’m so drunk,” she leaned
back and looked up at the ceiling.
“Never.” Clarke tilted her head and smiled at Lexa. “I should probably get going.”
“Probably.”
Clarke sat up and stretched her hands behind her back. “This was fun,” she looked to the side and
noticed Lexa smiling at her. “What?,” she asked.
“Maybe.”
“I have yes.” Clarke lifted her shirt a bit, there was a tiny green butterfly on her hip. “Do you like it?”
“It’s nice.” Lexa traced her fingers around it and Clarke shivered.
“Tickling,” Clarke whispered.
“Since when?” Lexa pulled Clarke’s shirt down. She pressed palm of her hand on Clarke’s lower
back and scratched gently with her fingers.
“I don’t know.”
“Liar.” Lexa leaned her forehead on Clarke’s shoulder blade. Feeling Clarke’s heart beat as fast as
hers was the most comfort she got in years.
“We are.”
“I’m not gonna do anything.” Lexa put her chin on Clarke’s shoulder and her nose in Clarke’s hair.
“Just a couple of minutes, please.” Clarke reached for Lexa’s other hand and put it in her lap. “Thank
you.”
They spent the second date in a restaurant, laughing over a candle lit dinner.
“What made it fancy? The worst spaghetti you’ve probably ever had or the fact that my mom was in
the room next door?”
“A bit of both.”
“Never.”
“Why?”
“Look around,” Lexa said. “We so don’t belong here. You see the blonde woman, to my left, in blue
with that old dude,” Lexa waited until Clarke nodded that she saw them, “they haven’t stopped
staring at us.”
“Ouch.”
“Let’s look at it different way,” Lexa said. “Any time I’m in any room, my blonde is the best blonde
in that room.”
Clarke’s heart fluttered every time Lexa said my and blonde in the same breath. “That’s a whole lotta
words just to say that I’m the hottest blonde in the world.”
“Who told you that?” Clarke frowned from across the table.
“Noisy birdie.”
“I wouldn’t call it dates. We are just spending time together. Taking things slow.”
“That’s a first.”
“I know.”
They were in a crowded bar, it was loud and Lexa hated loud bars. But this time it wasn’t that bad
because Clarke was close and the louder it got the closer Clarke was to her.
“Do you want me to take you home?,” Clarke whispered in her ear but all Lexa could focus on was
Clarke’s hand on her knee. “Lexa?”
“Hmm?”
“Why?” Lexa groaned when Clarke moved her hand from Lexa’s knee. “Don’t do that,” she took
Clarke’s hand and put it back where it was. “I like when you touch me.”
“She’s so drunk,” Clarke said to her friends sitting across the tiny table.
“Has she professed her undying love yet?,” Anya yelled so loud that even Lexa heard her.
“Shut up Anya.” Lexa said and blushed when she heard Clarke’s laugh.
“I’m gonna take her home.” Clarke took Lexa’s hand and intertwined their fingers. “Let’s go.”
“Where are we going?,” Lexa said as they stumbled out of the bar.
“Of course I can. I’ll show you.” Lexa took one step, then the other and with the third one she almost
fell down. Clarke jumped in and helped her stay on her feet. “See?”
“Great job,” Clarke chuckled. “Let’s go lightweight.” They had 20 minutes of walking to get to
Lexa’s apartment. Clarke hoped they get there in 30.
“Yes.”
“Then I apologize.”
“Yes.”
“I’m listening.”
“Sometimes I can’t sleep and I think about you and then I sleep.”
“You used to read boring books when you couldn’t fall asleep. Am I a boring book?,” Clarke teased
her drunk companion.
“What?,” Lexa looked shocked. She stopped walking and made Clarke stop. “You are nothing like
those books,” she said with the most serious looking face a drunk person could pull. “You are the
opposite of those books.”
“Really?,” Clarke tried to hide her smile and match Lexa’s seriousness.
“Yes Clarke, you are pretty and funny and not boring, nothing like those books.”
“I believe you.” Clarke took Lexa’s hand under hers. “C’mon on it’s just a couple more minutes.”
They started to walk again, hand in hand and Lexa’s head on Clarke’s shoulder.
“I have a secret to tell you,” Lexa said when she gave Clarke the key to her apartment.
“What is it?” Clarke unlocked the door and let Lexa get in first. She closed them and locked when
they both got in. When she turned around she saw Lexa trying to pull her shirt over her head.
“I’m stuck Clarke, help,” Lexa spinned around not knowing where Clarke was.
It took Clarke more seconds than she was ready to admit to pull her eyes away from Lexa’s half
naked body. “Slow down,” she said when she helped Lexa take her shirt off.
“Oh.”
“Yes.”
Clarke laughed. “You’re lucky I like you so I won’t make you relive this in the morning.”
“Stupid.”
“Will you?”
“She’s stupid.”
“Am I now?”
“You are.”
“Yes I do.”
“Hmm?”
“You are digging a hole at the back of her head.” Lexa and Costia were sitting on the balcony
looking inside at the mini party happening.
“I’m not.” Lexa turned her head from looking at Clarke to staring at Costia.
“That’s what you keep saying to everyone but I’m asking you who is gonna make the first move?”
“No.”
“Just do something.”
“I am.”
“What? Taking her out until the end of your days?,” Costia said. “She’s waiting for you to do
something.”
“My eyes.”
“Smartass.”
Clarke’s face lit up when she saw Lexa standing behind her. “I am, but don’t tell anyone.”
“Your secrets are safe with me.” Lexa saw Clarke eyeing the glass in her hand. “It’s just water.”
“I bet.”
“With you?”
“Who else?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you?”
Lexa led them to an empty room down the hall. “Where are we?” It was dark and Clarke couldn’t
see anything. She had to rely on Lexa guiding her around.
“Anya’s library.”
Lexa was much closer than Clarke anticipated her being. Her front was pressed into Clarke’s back
and her hands were holding Clarke’s. “There’s no music.”
“I lied.”
Clarke turned around tracing with her hands outlines of Lexa’s body until she got to her neck, “I
kinda hoped you would.”
“Lie?”
“Yes.”
Lexa’s thumbs snuck under Clarke’s shirt. “Why?”
“Kiss you.” Clarke gripped the collar of Lexa’s shirt and pressed her against the door behind her.
“Can I, please?”
“What?” Lexa was already out of breath, having Clarke’s body on her like it was in that moment
made her seize any control she might have had.
“Kiss you.”
“Yes.” Then Clarke kissed her with all the passion and softness of the years that they lost, the hours
they could never get back. The tears and laughs they missed. She kissed her for all the years she
hoped they were going to get back. She pushed her leg between Lexa’s thighs, reached down until
she had Lexa’s skin under her fingers.
Lexa’s head hit the door behind her, loud thud and a chuckle replaced with a soft moan when
Clarke’s mouth got to her neck.
“I’ve missed you so much.” Clarke’s hands went down around when she grabbed Lexa’s ass. “The
way you smell and taste,” she licked the skin that was previously in her mouth. “The way you sound
when you want me.”
Lexa bucked her hips forward. “Come here,” she pulled Clarke’s head in front of her.
“Can I take this off, please.” Clarke tugged down at Lexa’s shirt.
Lexa chuckled before kissing her again. “We are not alone.”
“I can’t.”
“I don’t care.” Clarke’s heart was beating slow and steady, it was so soothing that Lexa was almost
asleep.
“Why?”
Lexa smiled, her hand went lower until it was on Clarke’s ass. “Better safe than sorry.”
“You don’t wanna sleep, you don’t wanna talk, what do you wanna do?”
“Announce what?” Lexa looked up from her phone. Anya had a stupid smile plastered across her
face.
“I’m not.”
“We’re jus-”
“Taking things slow, I’ve heard,” Anya rolled her eyes. “You’re also spending every free second of
your lives together. And you’re also having sex.”
“This time I’m not tak- oh, Clarke,” Costia stopped mid sentence when she saw Clarke was the one
who opened the door of Lexa’s apartment.
“Hi.”
“I wasn’t expecting you, sorry,” she shook her head and smiled. “I can leave.”
“No,” Clarke closed the door, “no,” she said again. “No need for that. Lexa just went to the store,
she’ll be back in a couple of minutes. Do you want something to drink?”
“I’ve told her to not cancel on you but she won’t listen.”
“Three of us?”
“No, just you and me,” Clarke said. “I have debts I have to pay and I wanna get to know you.”
It was both of theirs first time back home. Or to a place that once was home. Abby’s birthday was
the excuse but a fresh start was the real reason.
Lexa put the bag she was carrying down and sat next to Clarke. “I think it looks the same.”
“Oh, I thought it was for something else.” Lexa turned her head and looked in front of them. To
where sky met the ocean.
“What did you think it was for?” Clarke was looking at her.
“Cheeky.”
“When I compared your eyes to something as simple as that thing,” Lexa pointed her finger far
away. “Nothing in this world compares to your eyes.” Lexa’s smile brought tears to Clarke’s eyes.
“Don’t cry.” Lexa kissed her.
Some might know I hate ending things, hope this one is not too bad.
End Notes
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