The Identifier

Of

Real vs Truth

By:
The Ongoing Battle That Is
Already Won

M.J.M
cInte
ar
3 Steps For Scaling Your VIP Lifestyle From Anywhere
And Learn The Best Problem-Solving Secrets Even If
You Are Just Starting

2
 Copyright © 2021 In Bed During Covid LLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any
form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical
methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief
quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by
copyright law

Epig raph

re·al
_________________________________________________________
adjective
actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact; not imagined or supposed.
"Julius Caesar was a real person"

Truth
_________________________________________________________
Learn to pronounce
noun
the quality or state of being true.
"he had to accept the truth of her accusation"

3
 Author bio

M.J.McIntear is a non-profit, nonfiction romance writer that loves people. Well, his idea of people.
Dedicating life's work to inviting helping people to do the same By Helping Hands.

He is currently found in the Greater Metropolitan area of The Carolinas where he is writing over 13
best-seller Nonfiction Self-help, and fully Transformational Tell All Books that you will have a
chance to get a first glimpse of.

Check out more of M.J.McIntear in his latest series The Identifier: A Modern Day Inspector Gadget
with Publishing house In Bed During Covid LLC. Also associated with Laugh One Up Publishing
Corporate Services.

4
 Where To Find Me

Dear Identifiers of Truth,

areas, and content. Plus, you'll get keys to Qualify directly alongside us. Thanks for reading our
book, and showing your amazing support of the movement. For more, be sure to join our Truth
Inspectors Newsletter to never miss a new release, and get access to our Exclusive Members
VIPFree, and so much more!
Just click above or below to learn more, and we'll scope you out on the other side.

5
 Table of Contents

Copyright © 2021 In Bed During Covid LLC.

Epigraph

Author bio

Where To Find Me

Prelude

What we want you to take from here

My Disclaimer

I DON'T WANT TO GO!

HUH?
What!?

Crossroads
What had changed I thought?
Me Me Me

But Who Cares?.

I Cared!
Why…

Question!?

Happy Thanksgivinnnggg!
Coming In.!

Pass Me Not.
Proud
Mary
Keyonna Davis Warrior Princess

Funn Games
You See Me
Defender of lies

Chapter Three
Stuck In A Pretzel
Times Up

6
 Ya-Ya!

It’s Time For You to GO.!

I'm Not Sure

Here We Go Again
Now What.?
But, Where?.

One Simple Prayer

WHAT!? No

Attention Gotten.

No Place To Be

This Is So Beautiful I almost Literally Can’t

And Out Of Time
All Said And Done
One More Time!

I Know I’ve Changed

A new Thang

Self
Chapter 4

Who hired you

Chapter 5

What Qualifies You...

No more so-called real laws to uphold
If I Only Had A Brain
Check your formula

Control Freaks
You’re Everything To Me!
Everything
No Strings Attached
Done Away With

CBE Prepared
Not In My House You Won’t
It pays to get understanding.

Where Are You Going To, Do You Know?

Accept Your Own Qualifications

Build!

7
 My Friend

#1
Build Your Team

Step 2.7 Action

About Author Page

Author Suggestions and Their Feedback

Your Turn To Review

Free gift

Thank you page

In honor of Floretta Sutton

Where You Can Find Me

8
 Prelude

“Why Me?”

“What in the world is happening? Why does this always have to happen to me?”

“I am like the black sheep of the family.”

“I didn’t even say anything, but my face gave it away.”

“Maybe I should just leave my situation, and never look back. What is wrong with them? What is so
different about me?”

“How do they think that is ok to treat people like this? You don’t make yourself available to ever be
asked or needed but then you come around when you want something? How dare you? Who do you
think you are? Or better yet, who do you think you are to me?”

“Blood is supposed to be thicker than water but with a so-called family like you, I will take my
chances with water.”

“You just don’t care to understand me. You don’t even care to care.”

“It’s like I am in the twilight zone or in a terrible never-ending dream.”

“I can’t win for losing in this world. Everything seems so against me. Why am I even here? I didn’t
ask to be here.”

“No one loves me. No one even likes me. I am just here, alone, with no friends, no family, no
future. Man, why did this have to happen to me!?”

9
“I am a good person, and I have feelings too, you know? So what did I do to deserve this? Why am I
the only one stuck, not getting ahead? I am done trying. I give up.”

Who does that remind you of?

Sounds overwhelming right? Well, that is actually what we are going to tackle together today in this
book. I admit, that example was a concentrated one on the extreme end of the spectrum. However,
that has been a part of the problem that most don’t recognize as extreme until it reaches that point.

What about when all signs, and habits are pointing in that direction?. Why is that not just as
important?.

I debated on whether or not to start my first book with such negativity, but oftentimes very real
momentary expressions.

I almost didn’t.

No one really wants to always feel or sound these ways if they didn’t somehow think it was true, or
that they felt they had a reason, right?.

So I tested whether I would keep it by reading the first couple of lines to a “friend”.

He acted as if he couldn’t relate to ever feeling that way or saying any of those things at any point in
his life. He acted as if we hadn't talked as friends for over a decade.

He quickly rejected by hesitantly saying, “I-I-I don’t know”. Then he seemingly ignored his own
thoughts, by attempting to quickly change the subject.

That is what I was afraid would happen.

10
I imagined people reading that opening, and instantly rejecting any thought that they probably have
been in that place before or are currently there now just like my friend, and I rejected it, at first.

Readers may even reject that it’s possible that someone they knew may have felt any of these ways.

That is 100% understandable.

Like, who wants to be that person?

Ever feeling those expressions is not the best thing in the world to admit to or have to relive,
especially while reading it from a stranger’s perspective.

We already know where it’s being positioned to be taken just from what it is implying.

Yet growth through that real reality for so many that may need it is this book’s priority, and one of
my life’s natural purposes.

So I overloaded my opening with as many things that I could think of without adding real-life words
that most likely would have been added in real-time.

Like BITCH or DUMB ACTING ASS MOTHER FUCKERS!

Just to name a few, so the people in the back could hear me. My apologies to the people in the front
but this is important for all to witness.

Yes, you too. Now that I have everyone's attention...

The interesting thing that stood out to me, was that these were normally said by the ones that have
been hurt or felt the victim of something or someone.

Yet, putting so many together, and reading it all at once sounds super disturbing though for anyone,
right? Believe me, I know.

11
However, I notice that it seems common that when we have said them sparingly or have heard a
friend or loved one express them a few at a time before, we’ve had a reaction to coddle ourselves or
them. Or we try matching our feelings, and expressions to their feelings to show that we care, and
that we can relate as a sign of being supportive .

We may even hug them more during that time than any other time while being comfortable having
our guards all the way down fully to embrace their grievances.

Even movies show us this is the respectful thing to do, and you are scrutinized as less of a real
human being if you don’t agree.

The same judgment happens when you are on the opposite side of that transaction, and you are seen
not openly choosing to be embraced all the time for hurting. You are looked at as a heartless stone
shell of a person by the same people for not sharing your feelings with them WHEN THEY appear
to be in that open position to receive your woes.

“You could’ve just called me”, they say.

But do we know what our feelings in those moments are actually supporting by attempting to match
with their actions, and expressions of pain, doubt, and fear?.

Do we even correlate that is what’s being expressed, and that it’s things deeper than the surface that
needs to be countered with love, wisdom, and faithful encouragement ,and not matched?.

Are our actions really matching our hearts, and thoughts that we want to see our loved ones in a
better place?.

Really.? Truly?.

Ever wondered why pity parties on any level never motivated change until ignored.?

12
In those moments if you knew how to encourage their feelings or yours to consider a positive
perspective by connecting with true goals, and potential to maintain better lives free from situational
baggage, would you have done so even if you could relate with their current pain??

13
 What we want you to take from here

Hi. Hi there,

I am M.J. McIntear and in this book, we take a look at why, and how it is that not all things that are
considered real are true. While at the same time seeing that all things that are true are in fact real, and
should be realized.

Today we will discover what is the difference between the two, and how to identify them to
ourselves even about the toughest matters.

This illustration also shares how to use this information to never fall victim again to what could
currently be real but may not have ever been true by revealing preventative measures that are proven
to stop “real signals” that only lead to dead ends for progress, and productivity.

I explain why, in my opinion, it is so critical today for us all to not settle for comfortable illusions of
running through fluffy clouds of what's real on tops of mountain cliffs where there could be
unknown true cut-offs on either side.

You will be given step-by-step tactics to always be able to get from point A to Z when dealing with
what’s real versus what’s really there. Steps to eliminate pain like loneliness, or being misunderstood,
ignored, disrespected, and being forgotten that rid the invitation of anger or worse.

It’s very likely most of these Problem-Solving Steps, and habits you already know, and have used.
You may have shared one or more of these steps as advice to friends or relatives to help them at
times while not realizing the importance of remembering to give them to yourselves as well when
needed. Or you may find that if you had someone to remind you of these practices, maybe during
certain times of your life, it would have been helpful to you instead of the alternative generic
responses we’ve heard like don’t worry about it or just kill 'em with kindness.

14
Could them not having anything principle-driven on their agenda to share with you be any more
obvious.? Could it be that they didn't know you wanted the truth, instead of your alternative above
matches, again really quick?. Yes, that’s where we are headed in this book today.
We are accepting our qualifications to qualify our perspective of our own lives, and our
surroundings.

15
 My Disclaimer

Even though I think about this topic often, and have shared my opinions about it with anyone that
would lend an ear, the fact is this is my first time illustrating it in this way for the world. I mention
that not to cut any slack on my stands concerning the topic that will be laid out in detail in this
book, but to ask ahead of time that you bear with me on my delivery. At times I speak, and write
very directly to the point with the conclusion being so focused on till I skip there, and only skip back
when realized to help close the gap for who may be listening, when needed. I would mostly notice to
jump back when I saw by the look in their eyes to explain myself further, and reword the southern
grammar that I am proud of.

Skipping through the process because of someone’s eagerness to apply or just hear the conclusion is
never the answer. So for bearing with my delivery, I will not cheat you or my chance to share with
you by skipping or leaving things out like my opening. Agreed?

I love my perspective of people,

and I have always seen the growth of those closest to me as a reflection of my priorities, and an
urgent matter to help analyze, address, and answer whenever needed.

Yes, I was the one that most wanted to control the camera for them when they were getting their
pictures taken because I would say things like, “relax shoulders down, chain up, stomach in, now
think about the direction the light is coming”. Their pictures would come out as if they took them.
Unlike when others that couldn’t care any less about how you would want your picture taken would
just snap it, and probably catch you blinking because they weren’t even looking into the camera lol.

I was happy to do that naturally thinking, of course, I would want that done for me too. If it's food
in your teeth right before taking class pictures or passport photos wouldn't you care to have
someone mention something?

Yet during my life’s experiences, and my recent studies revolving around different niches, have
shown me that even with the best intentions, not everything's meant to be given all at once. Life

16
seems to have a way of pushing us to notice something little by little that needs to be acknowledged,
analyzed, and then adjusted. It won’t begin until acknowledged yet it won't change until adjusted. It’s
impossible to purposefully adjust anything without first acknowledging its existence. When done
intentionally it can be repeated, and shared in steps as easy as lights, camera, Action!
So my purposeful goal in writing this book is to illustrate how to be an intentional Servant, Leader,
and Friend in the face of Truth during public or hidden hardships even if it appears as if no one else
is interested in joining you in upholding it.

This illustration is in honor of the life of my late aunt Floretta Sutton who passed days ago, and who
was all three to me.

I am super excited that you are here with me, and I am FINALLY with you. Rest assured that if you
didn’t know already or needed reminding, by the end of this book, you will know that you are loved,
and more than qualified to be.

“Sometimes you have to realize that someone was never able to be to you the person you thought
they were to you, and you have to find a way to be ok with that because being anything less than ok
with that is not allowing you to be who you need to be to yourself.”- Me The Qualifier

17
 I DON'T WANT TO GO!

I almost threw my choice to be qualified away.

It was a time I felt that living life the way I wanted was passing me by, even though somehow I
knew I still had a stronger chance of making it maybe, if I had available help that agreed out loud.

However, what led to that point of giving up was not having the help I wanted, and desperately
craved. Something was terribly wrong, and it was going downhill faster than I could keep up. Faster
than I knew how to keep up. Faster than I even wanted to or imagined I would need to keep up. It
seemed as if I only had the choice to respond to everything that I sensed happening to, and around
me. The worst part was that I felt it was only happening to me by default, and that the real issues
were happening to everyone else that influenced me. Those I wanted to make proud of me by
influencing them. It never seemed the right time to act or I never felt prepared enough when the
opportunity came for me to act.

It was a mess, and so was I, and I had no clue of what to do. Again, if I just had available help
maybe things would have been different. I’m sure of it. It would have had to be different, right?

However, I am not regretful about that either way because I know that in a big way not being able to
react in certain ways during certain times, when I felt emotionally driven mostly, and prepared for
the worst of the worst is still saving my life, and others to this very day.

Not being able to go all the way off the edge, I would start, and go as far as I was prepared to go by
going as far as I could go the opposite way from going off it, so I thought. It was still very early to
me so I was hopeful for the brighter side to eventually appear, and stop me from keeping looking
back at that edge. When I couldn’t go any further away from jumping off, I would stop to prepare
more for the search, and rescue of the brighter side of my existence. By then the focus on it was
passed from the window of opportunity being closed once again for either direction. Or something
else would come up that I thought would suit me well with learning first then applying to the first
task of saving others in order to save me.

18
I was stagnant on, “why”. I was going an inch back, and forth between false victories, and false
defeats, completely fooling myself about really wanting to know what's beyond either side of the
unfamiliar obstacles I had made myself a custom to staring at. Fearing my own perspective of
standing in the middle, and fearing achieving either end. I was a wreck, a train wreck happening
over, and over, and over again hoping that anyone would please take the keys away from me. Again,
why me? I was so young, why me?

Age has nothing to do with you knowing what to do but refusing not to. I would skip through
starting, but not finishing, in a lot of areas of my life, only longing for an end scenario, but not quit
introducing myself to it. Starting in the game, and ending on the bench or already headed home to
replan, no doubt, but filled with it.

It was not balanced behavior at all to start off in the fight, and before it's over saying “whatever,
interest lost” just to fight another day hoping it goes your way next time. “For sure I’ll get um, one
way or another I will get them to love me”, I would tell myself in one way or another, day in, and
day out playing tug war with myself. That way I was inevitably going to win what I wanted, and how
I wanted it not knowing I had already lost.

19
 HUH?

At an early age, I chose to start off fighting against just being a speculator, and I started by throwing
the first punches asking questions. Real questions, and not just unthought out ones. Real direct
questions that I wanted you to feel driving in your head. You know, the out of the blue questions
children sometimes ask hoping it reveals to you that they already know a lot more than you can
imagine but needs your help getting to a conclusion about at least one thing they feel you possibly
could be brave enough, or dumb enough, to attempt to answer.? Yet, they ask anyway to show they
are crazy enough, and brave enough to ask.? It’s a match made in understanding heaven when two
brave forces meet on the battlefield for the first time ever over that question to quickly realize they
are on the same team. The team that’s siding with no room for confusion from mere
misunderstandings, or anything else for that matter.

Those questions from a child that you didn’t imagine would even be on their young minds.

Yes, those are the questions I would start my fight with asking.

I really thought I was doing the right thing by addressing some things in a question form as an
invitation to let the person know I was available, and needed help to work whatever that’s causing
my confusion about something. Even Though I was around six years old, I still really wanted to
know some things, and I just could not wrap my little fat finger around it. Some things I could easily
forget over time, but others rode my nerves like a barely tired down tumbleweed during a dust
storm. The thing just would not leave me alone! I could not shake it. I was driven mad, and forced
to call in reinforcements, and why in the world did I do that.? WHY DID I DO THAT?

20
 What!?

Most of the time my confusion wasn’t towards my feelings about the topic I found issue with. Nor
was it about the conclusion that I did not want to go alone with on my own. It was about the
outskirts of the issues where I tried on my own to get understanding by putting myself in other’s
shoes. You know, those moments where you ask yourself, “What in the world were they thinking?”
I thought that’s what you properly did to ensure that you weren't rightfully missing something that
you could have not considered before. To me, if the issue still didn’t add up, yet, it was still
celebrated or even worse began to be mimicked behavior by others, I was the more confused.

Confused meaning I saw the majority accepted conclusions but did they truly expect me to volunteer
to join in? I was not headed there. I also would notice beneficial conclusions for myself, that more
suited my fancy, that I also for some reason refused to head there alone without the ones
celebrating, and who the questions were asked to, and about.

So, I was stuck, and asking questions for help while refusing to say the word help.

I didn’t know what I wanted was help while thinking I wanted to be of help.

Let's make a deal! When a child asks you an intimate question, that means they trust, and value you,
and want to be open with you to help reveal a conclusion that they would be honored to have from
you above their own consciousness. Prepare to be honest but also be prepared to be helpful. If they
aren’t given help, to a beneficial truth being asked for that started in their subconscious, that won’t
make the question go away. They will simply redirect the question to a readily available world that
has an abundance of resources to answer them in many different ways which could only lead their
conclusion to an unbeneficial reality. With enough of those lies stacked in play, anyone would be in a
world of pain, and disappointment.

I must have been too young to realize that it would have been better to simply offer my help in the
matter, and ask for help understanding, instead of hinting at what I knew were obvious issues, by
asking a question to find out if they noticed the same things, or if they dared to mention them. I had
the answers in my heart locked away under the camouflaged disguise of being one of many options
to try, if the previous didn’t work. However, I wanted to know if they had the same questions, and

21
same answers or upcoming options in their hearts. If so, my next question would have been, “when
are we going to apply them”, to show my support in taking action together.

It never got that far. Ever! It wasn’t for not trying.

Looking back, hinting around the issues of gossip, and untold full truths, as well as blatant disrespect
for self, and others with a question as a starting point to help, seemed only judgemental, and not
sympathetic enough or very optimistic it could change. I really did not realize in those very planned
out on my part, one on one moments, just to offer a suggestion of a better perspective. I was still
looking for a better perspective that I was hoping my older cousin could fill me in on before
offering. I call it preaching now. I am always preaching to myself now.

I wanted to know, “what were the ones that's right older than me telling themselves to cope”. I
knew what they were basically telling each other. The same second hand information that I was
running from hearing from my aunts. Maybe overhearing my older cousins speak about it, and mock
it is what introduced me to not liking to see my aunts in that light in the first place. They were my
favorites, perfect, can’t do no wrong even at gunpoint, up until that point. I wanted to be a positive
change for them. I figured at first maybe they didn’t realize how awful their children, nieces,
nephews, and cousins were sounding when they were giving their best impressions of them. After
comparing, I couldn't say that they were wrong. Infact, if they didn’t always end with a laugh that led
to an awkward silence with a slight look of disapproving shame that they were the direct products of
that behavior, they would have been spot on.

Maybe I didn’t know how to offer help to anyone I saw that look of pain on their faces back then
because I didn’t yet know that my answers were even suggestions, and that my suggestions were
worth living. I didn’t know how important or not my answers were. How important my feelings
were. How important their feelings were. My thoughts about us all working together so that our
feelings were made to feel better just seemed like the logical C conclusion to an A to B situation.
Perhaps, somehow I knew somewhere deep down inside of myself that, just because it seemed
logical to me at that time, it would be easier said than done. Boy, was I right.

22
However, I was going mad waiting for it to correct itself, listening to it play out for real, and then
watching the mocking of it in private by my cousins. It seemed like in private everyone had an issue
with someone or another, and they did not mind expressing it to you or any outside of that issue
party. It didn’t matter if the one they were venting to was the one they were just venting about
yesterday to the one that's in their hot seat today. I was like omg, the pain. The pain of then noticing
that what I took as an opportunity to laugh with them a year prior when I was not paying attention
at 4, and 5 years old I then one-by-one took great offense to every word. My cousins were right!
What can you do? What can you say when one that you love talks so poorly in the open about
another you love? I knew before even really starting school that if two parties can talk to me about
each other behind their backs then I could guarantee that they wouldn't have any issue talking to
each other about me behind my back.

That’s toxic for anyone to know, especially going into first grade. I remember telling the students,
and the teachers that I don’t play that. I told them every opportunity they gave me as if I wanted to
really instill in them that it's not cute to do, and it’s been detected, which is even worse. So I was
hoping to get that out from the conversation I was attempting to start with my older cousins. I was
like surely they have a call to action since they have already shown themselves knowing far more
than me what it looked like. At the time I only could recognize my perspective of the real issues
others were showing they were having with their perspective of the outskirt issues. I wanted to
correct the core first, not the outskirts.

Each time I went to dive in the deep end, and would ask my carefully thought out questions, I was
met with “Matthew I just don’t know but it wasn’t always like that”. It took so much nerve to ask.

After that answer however, I would freeze without seeing a link to jump in, and share my thoughts
on what could be done. I hadn’t planned that they would literally answer me. It felt as if they were
meeting me for the first time, and I was completely caught off guard. Before that they would only
converse with each other, as if not knowing I had understanding also to hold a conversation, if I was
given any. What a moment to prove them right by not being able to continue the conversation after
bringing it up. I sat there feeling like I was sinking in my seat only searching my thoughts rapidly
looking for an entry to respond since by that answer at least I knew I wasn’t just seeing things, from

23
their perspective. Or was I? Could it have been possible that what we both agreed with as being real
was still a lie, and that we both hadn’t agreed on true steps to take, changing anything?.

After getting that answer out, our conversation would always go dead silent. I went back to
pondering figuring they were too. I could tell they were from the looks of disappointed memories on
their faces. The same hopeless faces I grew to recognize were coming after they vented with each
other in the form of laughing-it-off. I could tell it hurted them. I didn’t know how much it had
affected them but I knew something was happening at just the thought of all of their realities, and it
pained me not to know what to do about it. Waiting for the silence to break the moment would
always pass, and a new encounter would approach. It came almost without warning while pondering
the past as if we had forgotten about the future. Or as if I had forgotten there was a future while still
not willing to take the popular road nor take what appeared to be what my favorite chosen road
would have been. No matter what, something had to change, and I was just glad to have been
introduced to a family member for the first time that agreed.

24
 Crossroads

I felt as long as we had, and took the chance to keep it real, and we were on the same page, all was
well. Right?. NO, because no one seemed to have been helped. No steps were implemented in
changing anything for the greater good. My good.

I figured that out the hard way the next time I would see them all together. No longer one-on-one,
but in a group setting with them, and the same issues would happen yet again. This time having
already introduced myself to one more each time, I was ignored as never having that conversation
with them. That cold shoulder felt different, extremely different. Before, not knowing what I was
thinking it was more understandable to me but afterwards of knowing my feelings, and knowing I
knew theirs, it felt strange. Why did I have to say anything? Now there was no turning back. I had to
face the music as Matthew, not “Bubba”! I was no one's brother I couldn’t get a clear understanding
from. Not in the least was I interested in anything but getting the family dynamic I wanted, and felt I
deserved. Period. They would have a look on their faces like they were being punked, but I was the
one shocked. I just rolled my eyes, and looked down.

I didn’t realize until then that by only agreeing that we acknowledged the same things, and analyzing
the differences in times, and moments it wasn't always like that, didn’t mean we automatically agreed
to adjust it, or even try. I was desperate, and growing more, and more rebellious to the fact that
nothing could be done or said to save my world. Needless to say, I was all in. Well my senses, and
my physical was. My heart was not in agreement, and was growing more impatient now with the
situation, and with my chosen course of actions after getting no promising results from who would
say one thing one day, and show something else the next. It’s like my heart knew to reluctantly just
hold on to my senses, and pray for the best because it knew like my increasing attitude, things were
about to get STANK!

I was being introduced without knowing that, to them, I basically just acknowledged, by being real,
that I agreed to join in pushing the issues under the rug. However, my thoughts were that we had
teamed up to make the world a better place or else. I will never forget how big their eyes would get

25
in a group setting when I would imply changes that needed to happen while looking at them still for
support, and help understanding while they looked at me like how dare you, and please just shut up
about it.

Of course I was shocked to get those looks because those weren't the same responses I was getting
while alone with them. They had done all that laughing, and talking noise about what they were
about to say to somebody about something, as I overheard my cousins talking to each other. Who
was I to know what pretending was yet at that age? I had no clue that’s what they were doing, to be
honest to God. Maybe that’s how they grew up coping with the things they expressed having issues
with. They were able to talk to one another. Teased, and joked about it, and saved the rest for the
next time they spoke with each other. Well, not me because I was the only one in my age group, and
when they were around my house, they had me. It was just me, and after a while it felt like I was the
only one not thinking anything was funny. I even began to talk about it as if I didn’t understand
what was happening. Was it that I couldn’t take a joke? Or was it that I had not been given real time
in this world substantial enough with these people to even play with them like that? I felt thrown
into the lion's den, and it was either learn to eat or be eaten. The older I got the more lions were
about to be added to the menu because I started qualifying the behaviors I was seeing that I did not
want in my life, for myself.

26
 What had changed I thought?

The topic was exactly the same. My delivery was definitely thought out again so that I wouldn't get
popped in the mouth for being disrespectful. Hmmm, I wasn’t going to take not a half of pop if I
knew I didn’t do anything to deserve it. What had been so different from being real with each other
privately versus being real with everyone openly?

Weren’t we all family, and friends? Didn’t we want the absolute best chances in life for each other?
Didn’t we?

After those looks, I found I was left with even more questions yall. Instead of questions about the
truth, I was behind questioning myself about what was considered real anymore. It was terrible, and
writing this still brings back those confusing feelings of being hurt, and alone with not knowing who
I could turn to for results. I didn’t give up. I couldn’t. I felt I had exposed who I truly was to them,
and everytime I looked in their faces all I saw was my truth, and I would look away. I saw my pain,
and the struggles of being trapped in it with the only way out was through. I could not look in
anyone's eyes anymore knowing what I saw looking back at me.

While their eyes got bigger, like they were being in a stickup, the rest of the room laughed, and
talked as if not hearing my suggestions of change while turning their heads away from me. I didn’t
realize that each of them had a tell sign of the same pain their children had. Some looked down
chuckling while others looked away making themselves talk louder. However, I remember one
turned towards me once, and looked up at my eyes but I couldn’t bear to match hers after the open
rejection. Her name was Freddie Mae. I just would put my head down knowing not to mention their
names which wasn’t a part of the plan anyway. I didn’t need an army. I needed a family.

That still didn't stop resentment seemingly being formed against me even more after that. The hate
for my guts seemed to spread like wildfire from one “family member” to another. I was told I was
getting all the attention. I was thinking in my head what planet were they on where I got paid
attention?

27
I couldn’t stop the rumors nor did I want to stop it because I thought well at least I was getting
some kind of attention then, and light being shone on my issues. Whether my issues or others issues
with me, I was like wow finally we can all get on the same page about issues instead of two people
here and two there. After that I thought my time would surely come to where I would be given a
center stage to explain my reasoning behind feeling that way against everything ugly to me. Yet, the
more I was being resented, the more I was shunned, and the further that opportunity to explain to
all at once became. So I kept circling, and repeating my suggestive question one-by-one of why?

However, the truth was I still needed help understanding my feelings about what I was sensing, and
now sensing against me, and why could I not ignore it by pushing it under a rug like everyone else
seemed to be enjoying doing in public but hated in secret. I wanted to know why I couldn't just play
like other children my age?

They were carefree, healthy, and seemed to know how to mind their own business as if their
surroundings were not a part of the equation. Naturally, they were going too fast to notice anyone
else most of the time while enjoying being children. I, on the other hand, was stationary for the most
part growing fatter, and more unhealthy by the day. Comparing, and contrasting the different
behavior patterns I was exposed to in different atmospheres like home, school, church, and the bus
rides back home.

I felt as if I was expected to accept knowing how to behave according to the atmosphere no matter
how different each made me look, and feel to myself.

I would hear things like, “You know you ain't hear me say that so you know not to say that”. In my
mind I was questioning who they were to say that to me when they have said, and done a lot of
contradicting things they shouldn’t, and wouldn’t want anyone saying to them. I knew they wanted
me to just shut up, and model them. Hmm.? No’kay!?

28
 Me Me Me

What was considered respectful in one setting could be very disrespectful in another. Likewise what
you had to ignore in one place could get your head knocked off in another if you ignored it too
often.

It was weird, and I just wanted to be the same person all across the board around people that were
not completely different each encounter.

However, while comparing, and contrasting I quickly developed my own opinion of what I wanted
to tolerate myself looking, and feeling like, and what I wasn’t going to tolerate. So those group
events only proved to grow resentment back to those feelings I did not like, and the loss of respect
for the ones I felt had a hand in causing them.

Yes, the same ones I once felt open to sharing my feelings with, I was becoming more, and more
close off to even saying a word to. It’s not surprising that it was everyone I loved that I felt open
with that I went to first. So you can imagine the corner I had already begun painting myself into, and
I wasn’t about to face it. I had already gone to all one at a time seeking for understanding, and when
I not only didn’t get it, but was made to feel as if changing for the better was only in my head, I
easily lost respect. It was the NEXT CASE call for me because that situation of backstabbing and
now lies was curtains closed that it couldn’t change.

If there were going to be changes made I just had to make them on my own by being authentically
me, and pointing out everything, since they acted like they couldn’t see it. Yes, it caused a lot of
school fights but as long as I didn’t hit first I wasn't in trouble. The problem was when their words
nibbled at school my words would bite their heads off enough for them to hit, and I happily agreed
that they should. Balanced or not, it was my pain pill. Back home I went.

29
 But Who Cares?.

I was in a major dilemma at my crossroads. One way was so dead end it never was a road in the first
place while the other way was so bright, sunny, and well watered that I did not want to go alone,
period. A Cold Case.

Home was no longer filled with the same outspoken heros I thought I once knew. At the age of ten,
at the time, I didn’t know what they were or what to call them anymore but I knew they resembled
those feelings I did not like for myself a lot. Those feelings that I fought everyday in school not to
have held over my head. Those feelings that I must be seen, and not heard in church. While heard,
and not seen in school. While making sure I'm not heard or seen at home until called upon. It was a
nightmare for me to even comprehend why, and a fate worse than death for me to accept. It wasn’t
going to be accepted. I was on a road of tolerance that I didn’t want to be on, and it had me
cracking heads in school as soon as someone treated me anyway but with the respect I showed
them, and buying my time until I could do the same at home or even better leave, and never
remember what looking back felt like.

Even at that age I realized it was impossible to merge every location, and every scenario to only pick
my perspective of what's beneficial to me from each one. So I made up a real fantasy world in
school. Yes, sadly, I did. I made up a fantasy world where I treated everyone the exact same. I knew
I couldn’t treat everyone low because there were many I highly regarded, so I treated all high. At
home everyone close enough was either already out or on their way out so there was no need to
fantasize about that. That was a nightmare. But everywhere else I would motivate a dog to live as a
lion if that’s what it wanted to do. Even if it expressed wanting to be an eagle, I decided in my
fantasy, that was parallel to my reality, I was going to be the greatest support system I could be when
given the chance. I knew that time, and doing it that way I was going to take it the first chance I
got, and not wait to share when asked.

From my growing disability, concerning my weight on my legs, from not learning how to consider
myself in my reality, I didn’t get to the point I was able to chase people down to drag them to their

30
better selves but my heart would everytime they would express emotional pain. They already knew
Matthew didn’t play even though I laughed all the time. They knew I meant what I said, and said
only what I meant when it came to my feelings, and I would explain my reasoning of each one until
the cows came home. I would feel for them when they showed struggle, and knew if only they had
help to fight maybe they would live like the winners I knew them to be.

Everyone from seemingly the highest in positions to the lowest was given equal opportunity in every
way from me. My heart was open for any takers that wanted it. Seen, and unseen takers little did I
know. However, by treating the low high only because I couldn't treat the high low formed even
more real delusional issues in my side hustle school business, and life overall.

I hadn’t developed deeper feelings for anyone yet over another so it was easy to just live in my
perspective, and hope for individuals in theirs. Besides, my feelings were connection based. If our
connection grew my feelings seemed to grow too, and vica versa if it didn’t. I did that by always
acknowledging my real feelings of them all being their best highest selves until they showed me how
low they could be or saw me, then they would be escorted out of my fantasy as if never being there.
Yes, they were dead to me until they wanted to play nice with all including me.

I Cared!

Still in hopes that anyone would return the favor to me I found that my days went by better
attempting to give living people another reason to smile with me. It was no rush for those favors to
be returned because most of all it made me feel good about myself, and be encouraged by speaking
to the good qualities I saw in people. I was speaking to them, and myself at the same time.

If they could draw, and felt down about something I would try to combat that by speaking to the
famous Artist I knew they could be. If they were warm, and inviting to people but expressed to me a
doubt that they were having, my first instinct would be to address the issue by not addressing the
issue, and talking to the famous motivational leader they were already proving themselves to be. I

31
felt proud that I was doing something I felt was right by being able to keep it real because I really
believed my perspective of what I sensed the best of them could look like.

That caused a lot of bad report days where the teacher would have called home before I got there
about my interrupting the class again for clowning around. I simply was in the back laughing with
friends. My family knew by then I was too big for even the lies the teachers were telling about
clowning around, and horse playing. Who did they think they were foolin? They were upset because
I had probably said something slick to teach them too, and they wanted me to get it when I made it
home. I just never knew why they just didn’t give it to me at school. I would’ve had a better chance
of getting it. At home, My Granny, the only one I felt understood but was too old, and above all the
drama to come down into what she created in her children, would tell me after every time I
mentioned friend, “YOU AIN'T GOT NO FRIEND BUT JESUS. TAKE CARE OF NUMBER
ONE”. I knew what she meant from hearing it so much but, I was already sure I wasn’t going to get
in trouble for laughing because I got that naturally, or so I was prepared to say. Like I said, I was not
taking no slap, pop, nothing for what was out of my control. Besides I was used to Granny saying
that to everyone every time they said friend. She didn’t know, because we couldn’t say friend
without being yelled at, but she was my best friend. I remember the very first time I was old enough
to pull up a set at the kitchen table with her. I felt proud, and honored to be in her presence even
though I gave people hell in school that messed with me. Also, I had already started giving her
children hell by asking them questions they still have a hard time answering. However, she
questioned me. She would look at me sitting across the table from her, head down in a peaceful
thought, unlike any other place where I had to be on my toes, and she would ask, “When are you
going to get baptized?”. I said I didn’t know for the longest until I got older, and wanted to test her
a little bit, and I started responding back with that I wasn’t ready. The first time I hit her with that
she jumped in her seat and proclaimed, “Well When You Gonna Get Ready”. Now that was a
woman who knew how to keep the punches coming, and I loved it because I wasn’t alone with her.
How could I feel alone in a room full, church full, school full of people but never alone with her as
one lady in an old country kitchen? Because her love, and seriousness filled up the room. Whether
you felt she was right, wrong, or indifferent, you didn’t have to second guess if what she was saying
she meant or not. She meant it sure enough so much till if you weren't sure on your end, you just
may leave with a new way of thinking.

32
Sitting at the table, it was finally peace on earth, and good will to all generations until my Granny
had to leave me. She passed away on a Sunday. I was so filled with emotion knowing it was coming
til I was numb. I was crushed. I was defeated. I was dead mainly, and the only thing I could think
about was that it was my responsibility to keep the punches going hoping, knowing that my love too
would fill up a room to encourage people to punch back.

I felt solely responsible that it was up to me to force my family to be family to each other, to
themselves, to strangers, and to me. I love them beyond life, and I just wanted them to teach me to
not love like a wild grape vine but in a protected space of feeling loved back. I hated them for letting
her leave without that happening first. I was so up, and down in my head, and heart till my mind,
and heart stopped moving just like my body. I was gone. The only thing that could have revived me
was if my granny could have sensed any part of the true me once to see the fight I have in me too. I
wanted more of her to myself, and I blamed my reality for my friend being here one day, and gone
the next.

Why…

I could not even crawl back into my fantasy, but like a blanket it came for me. It hugged me, and
comforted me shielding my eyes from where I’ve been, and what evils were waiting on me now that
I was officially alone. “What am I going to do now?” That’s what I would have thought if I felt
humanly awake. However, I wasn’t, and I was ok with that. My fantasy began to make choices for
me. I was over trying, failing, and being too late to catch any significant changes. My life was over,
and all I could think about was that I had to keep it real at all times. Not just at school, but at
church, and especially at home. Practice, and going home early to restrategize was now over. I was
completely in the game for Real. I was either going to win losing, die trying, or kill losing but I was
not settling, and I was not backing down. Nothing but death would have kept me from being real,
and letting my family no longer just you know but see what it was. But how? How was I going to
shut up, and be real?

I still had some figuring out to do, but I knew I would never be the same.

33
After that, I was now also headed to High school. Everyone that I had to slap growing up were now
growing like weeds, and friendly to me as friends could be, warning the new ones that met me that I
would take advantage of my mouth over theirs to make them stop picking at my size, and my legs,
and just swing on me just to fight, and be happy. My grannies strict rule of not hitting first was still
one of my pride, and joy rules that I held on to along with I ain't got no friend but Jesus. I really
used that one only to soften the blow every time someone I trusted showed me I was just a liability
to them. I also used it to give myself an excuse for not being 100 pounds lighter, than people would
have been much more than slapped because that don’t hit rule would have been easily forgotten.

The whole truth was my mouth became razor reckless after you disrespected me just so you would
want to come closer, and do your best. I am pro choice with all your limbs, and resources, so I was
rooting for them to take me all the way out. It would only leave me depressed more when they did
all that starting stuff with who they thought was a victim with my head down, but didn’t want to
finally commit to taking me out. It was yet another self sabotaging thing I did to myself because I
would love them, and support them even if it was against me.

Deep down I am competitive so to me it was me competing against me while helping them. I know,
I was sick, but I was in my fantasy. I had to help who I could, and how I could in my own
imagination. It didn’t matter how it looked to the outside world because I hadn’t figured out how to
live in just that thing yet, and I was not considering going back ever. I was up for anything to get my
mind off of all the similar changes of wanting someone to care enough about wanting to help me till
they wouldn’t believe the lies about me that were still an epidemic in my family. It was insane the
things that were still being spread about me by people that had already told me at eleven years old
they wanted nothing to do with me, from taking the attention away from them when I was born.
They were even the first to point out I walked with my head down. As they were tag teaming me
with their words, they thought it was a self esteem issue yet they still didn’t cut me any slack. I
walked into an angry mad house, and they all just felt like giving eleven year old me a piece of their
minds.

I listened, and never forgot because I learned something that day that I still didn’t apply, that I ain't
got no friend but Jesus. I was so relieved to sneak off, and go to their room while out of state, and
they knew it, yet took the opportunity to be real, and I was so thankful that they did. They couldn’t

34
have been so far from the truth though till it just sounded crazy to me but I accepted it as they
didn’t know absolutely anything. I walked with my head down because I was focused on my
increasingly growing bower legs, and feet. I was hypnotized by them as I walked and as I thought.
Sometimes getting so lost in thought that it was a blank peaceful stare, not looking at anything. I
didn’t even notice my head wasn’t up until after that. That was confirmation for me then for sure
that I had grown some enemies somehow asking, “why”, as if I had done something to them.

The term used was “Golden Child”, and I was like where? So by High School it was even worse, so
I had to get even worse. I remember twice after school being confronted about another lie. This
time, supposedly I had a prono stashed on the highest shelf mounted on the wall, and it was found
while I was at school by one of my cousins. Much to my greater surprise was she saying it was a gay
porn. I was like what? She went as far as to confirm that satiation she had to confront me with it,
that she put the tape in a VCR, and watched it. She went on to describe what she saw were two men
on top of each other as if she knew she was waiting to see how I could tell her anything that went
against her own eyes.

Her proud stance on the issue to bring me down was obvious. Up until that very point she was my
favorite aunt, that I gravitated to after My Granny left, that I would sneak to her house to help clean
up, and be with her while her sons were away. They had gotten older, and there wasn't any need to
be with them anyway since they already told me they didn’t want me around.

So while she loaded up her case against me, literally as if it for some reason was against her and I, I
just listened calmingly while knowing already what had happened. My silence made her think she
had me in a corner, but really I was getting to back slap her with a simple question. I just needed a
little more information, which she was more than happy to give me.

Firstly, my mom worked as a student’s Teacher Aid, and I was in High School freshman year, so no
one was ever home. I knew I didn’t have to explain anything, but this was getting too juicy, and I felt
that she was walking in her own trapped set by her own offspring.

I was recently just leaving her house after having a really good time with her. I cleaned up like
normally, and we ate real good, and it was my chance to get away and be alone. She had a house full

35
of men that were never home. That was the perfect place for me to go meditate while being off
from my house cleaning. She worked hard in the church’s cafeteria by day, and did her clients hair
by night. Her husband was a truck driver and her sons were grown now that stayed gone until they
needed something from her. It was perfect for me. They had games to play before they started
hiding them from me and cable. At my home we didn’t have cable. She would have stacks of VHS
tapes everywhere that she bought blank to record her daytime stories while at work. After she would
watch them they were tossed to the side. I never asked why she never reused them to record the
next day's episodes. It was like she was making a collection of years of tapes that I guess only she
knew the order of. She would label them the best she could and that was absolutely it without cases.
So they were everywhere and in everything. So what? That was my aunt and the whole family knew
she did that. No one questioned it because that was her thing. She did hair, she watched her stories,
and she talked shit. Oh and she loved her boys. A very simple woman. Never had an issue with her.
So it was surprising that she wanted an issue with me again based on what one of her boys, who
were now men, was telling her.

It was like I was just destined for the crap to somehow just find me. It would hit me completely out
of the blue. All the time because I was so happy to see her come get me that day from school. I
knew it was going to be a chill ride. I knew if it was her the most I would get is to hear her talking
crazy gossip about someone else. However, I wasn’t worried because she was alone and not with the
crowd so it wouldn’t have been that bad even if it was a lil gossip on a 5 minute ride home. Plus, I
had just left her house after cleaning out all of her son's closets with Christmas decorations thrown
in that she told me to throw out when I asked her what she wanted me to do with the stuff. In the
mixture of stuff it was always a mixture of dirty, and clean clothes the family would say. You never
knew if it was clean or dirty because when they would wash they would just throw them back
everywhere waiting for the dryer to finish. Before finishing everyone would be gone. I think their
system was what they personally knew. HOwever, that didn’t help anyone that came to help clean. I
had loved helping her, and she was so happy about it after I was done. I would be so focused
cleaning it was like I was creating art. Also, she started paying my pockets with, “a little something”,
she would say, as a reward for helping. I had already gotten my reward from the pennies I would tell
her I found behind doors, and things bundled in dust. WE would laugh, and I was able to keep
both. That was even more incentive for me to work even harder. So I was excited when I saw the
mountain of Christmas stuff, clothes to sort, trash, and of course old VHS tapes. I would start

36
taking a few tapes to record music videos while at her house so that when I got home I would have
the only thing I wanted to watch. That, and Jerry Springer. I called them my mixtapes because I did
the same thing with the radio, and cassette tapes. I would watch them tapes day in a day out singing
like a Canary. A Canary with no cable for after school or when I was suspended for whatever reason.

So when she asked me, more like punched me with that question about a porn tape, again because it
happened twice with two different sons, I knew I was about to back-slap her again with my
question. They tried that move before when I was younger, but at least the son was there when she
confronted me, and my cousin Trav, again in the car. So that time she didn’t get slapped alone
because my question reached all the way from the back to double back slap her, and her son till all
they could do was look at each other like, DAMN. It was, case close, abort mission, and I knew it
was, and this time it was about to be again. The only thing was this time was not as funny being a
little older, and she was alone. The first time I could tell her son was waiting for her to ask, and I
thought she was being pestered. However she was waiting this time. I could tell she was already
bothered enough from whatever she was told beforehand. It was personal this time for her, and I
was preset to tell yet another member of my family in my heart that I have no friend but jesus.

After gathering enough information of her describing what was on the tape in detail I asked her,
“well who-who found it”. She hesitantly but knew she had to answer quickly to keep ground,
“Rodney”. Checkmate.

I simply asked who found it because I was over trying to keep up with the lies, and I already knew
when I figured out how to live in the real world it was going to be war. So I wasn’t upset to find out
who found it. I simply explained to her, without completely blasting him out, that out of all the
places I being 5 foot 5 inches, 400 pounds, and bowlegged could have hid a prono under the sofa or
in the closet, like him, why or how would I put it on the top shelf? Why? The more reasons I had to
ask why the more they gave me. It just turned from why them to why now me.

Without me even having to say his name or anything about him she backed down because she knew
what I was implying. I wasn’t pointing any blame because that wasn’t the purpose. I had just gotten
out of school having to defend myself all day and I was being introduced to the same hate on a ride

37
home with who I thought was my friend? I spared her feelings that day. Which turns out only made
things worse for others after they got the report back that again was a wrong move.

I saw the same, “Damn Oh shoot '' look on her face that she and her other son had given each other
years ago. Yet, because she loved him more than she desperately wanted to be right because of him
against me she had to retrace by saying, “I will take that with a grain of rice.”

It was so disrespectful to me and I was disappointed in her. She boasted herself as being a mystery
solver about her husband and other people yet this one she was closing down shop with right out
the gate after hearing my testimony. Why? Why embarrass me just to back down?

Yes I was calm because I knew this question was me back slapping the whole lie. In my mind I was
like what in the world? How can I compete with this madness? She had the nerves to bring up a
person's name from church saying she figured that he, another person's child, gave it to me. I then
looked at her for the first time, shocked and laughing like whaaat!? Like really is it that bad that even
people not associated with me but are around my age have to be brought in the lie for it to be
believable?

It was worse than I thought, and I knew whatever I chose to do to prevent this from going any
further in the wrong direction I better do it quickly. I was hurt, I was pissed that my auntie was
gone. No for pretend, but for real to me at that point. I wasn’t pissed at the lie because I was used to
them. It was always something someone said and heard whether against me or each other. I was hurt
because I shared myself with these people and I didn’t borrow and steal money from each other like
most of them did. I thought at least I proved myself as to not being the problem. The more I
assumed I did that by being honest the more I was made to be the liar.

Here I am in my fantasy of keeping it real while in reality having only one problem resolution skill,
and that’s not to hit first. I was now still being dragged into the issues I was trying to excuse. First
my dad, then my cousins, and then my Granny leaving me with these people, and then one-by-one
my aunts switching up on me? Oh no! It was like a real death every time someone changed out on
me as if I was even around anymore to be the issue.

38
Why did my Granny have to leave me here with these people she started this with? I did not ask to
be here with these people treating me like a criminal, and a murder suspect about a prono I had no
clue about when the only pronos I knew was at anyones house was hers. I think I even told her if I
wanted a prono that I was old enough to make one if that was the case. I was a little hot and I
wanted to rub it in so yes my mouth took advantage when I knew she now had to sit there and listen
knowing without saying it came from her house. I was rubbing it in thinking I was about to get an
apology but it never came. My acting like I was offended about something I was more used to than
she or anyone else cared to realize was a waste of energy. So I crossed my heart on her, and the
whole situation.

They wanted to show me in the worst light possible, and I had no clue why nor did I consider it
because they didn’t understand that if given the option my real light response would have been far
worse than anything they could or I could have imagined. I didn’t want that, and thank God I
literally could not physically do that myself at the time without selling myself which I knew nothing
about at that time…. Hmmmm was that an option for me? Like this? How? You want to make me
out to be a monster? Well, how about I make myself an angel, Charlie's Angel.?

Question.?

39
 Question!?

After that, I knew EXACTLY how to shut up, put up, and prove how I wanted to prove that I am
not you. I was like yall even got the women coming at me now ready to beat me down, ok. They
didn’t realize I was still a combination of them all, and in my opinion and some. Like them, I knew
no highs, and I knew no lows. If I had the mind, and heart to, I could have gone lower than them. I
didn’t so my objective was to fortify myself for anything. I was already used to mentally taking them
all only with the petty bull they were pulling so it was time to show I was physically prepared too. I
was not better, but I knew I was scared to be worse. The decision was already made, and I was all in.

As I prepared for my debut, it was a party like never before. I was having so much fun I started
posting pictures of myself on myspace. I can admit a few of them I had no clue just how quick I was
preparing to jump, and how deep but when my mind was set to jump there was no safe return.

However, once again, the Golden Child Policing haters were at my digital doorstep, and my cyber
lawn checking for me. No they didn’t have a bottle to join the party they were trying to shut it down.
People, that in public, paid me zero attention started having even more to whisper about me.

I always wondered why my cousin Ian never spoke up for me. He would just sit, and listen. I guess
he agreed on some level. However, it was ok with me either way because I was hot, and I knew it. It
didn’t matter what anyone thought, felt, or tried to threaten me with bodily harm with. I was now
THAT BITCH and I was THE FORCE to be wreckin with! No more looking to explain nothing.
How ever you felt about me, your best bet was to times that by 10, and you just might be almost
close enough to say you saw a glimpse of me, because I went even higher. Speaking of High. Yes,
Mean Joe Green was always invited to the party including his friends Seagram’s mixed with an All
Black 2II. I had enough chasers, so, NO Chaser!

I was a product of everyone's attitude, gestures, grace, and dumbass ignorance, and it was about time
they knew that face to face. PERMISSION? Oh ok, hmm. They would have died, came back to life,
died, and came back to life again before I ever felt the need to ask people that didn’t have nothing to
say to me, for permission to do anything. This was my last chance to be heard, by being seen, and

40
nothing was going to ruin my good time trying something so new to me, yet so promising. I was on
their necks, and I knew it. The Artist I am, knew I had that in the bag or better yet in the hair glue.

41
 Happy Thanksgivinnnggg!

Yes! I did. As I rocked to the holiday beat of my own drum, walking up the street from my home
with my cousin Crystal, who had just finished helping me with my hair, I felt beyond good. I was
literally all smiles as usual. My drunk uncle must have seen the difference in my confidence that
literally was never seen before by any of my family because he simply said that I looked good. I
thanked him knowing that I did, and even forgetting my hair was done honestly. I was walking so I
was still focusing on that. It has a way of erasing all my problems in my thoughts as I walk.

I was just so in the holiday spirit. I had been partying with my cousin, doing hair, and burning one a
little bit before we came out. I was wearing my favorite red zipper fleece jacket with a hood that I
cut the sleeves out. Which was a sacrifice to do because I loved that jacket. I had gotten a matching
red knitted hat, with the brim, from the hair supply store that was calling my name when I saw it. A
white long sleeve turtleneck under that with blue jeans, and some red and black vans. I was never
the type to care about clothes but I never had my hair done either. So I knew how to put some
colors together. I was not worried about one thing honestly. Not one single thing.

It was a new world for me, and I was seeing it for the very first time. I was so carefree, forgetting
any drama that was trying to all of a sudden flood my social media with their feelings against me, yet
again, till I didn’t even realize I was being watched by them. Not only watched, but talked about like
a dog. I was being talked about so badly, I guess the enemy said, “go confront me”, as if I literally
had done something. At that point, it had been years since I asked why for them and I had just been
in defense mode of why for me. I wasn’t coming around like that at all, so I had no reason to hog no
attention from people that felt that way. So why was I still public enemy number one, and how did I
even become that? I was feeling good, laughing, and smiling cutely with or without hair but with it I
was a new person.

That is until the dead started walking again seeming to not care they weren’t invited to the, I want to
live free, and happy, away from your drama fantasy party. I was literally stopped at the gate
threshold of my grannies home to be verbally attacked, and harassed, damn near threatened. It was
by a newer person so on one hand I was shocked, because I literally remember being so happy to see

42
her as I was walking, I was smiling, and saying Happy Thanksgiving. However, her attitude was
sooooo not who I ever even considered her being. It literally shocked me what she wanted to talk
about, at me. Her dad was just happy for me, and now my oldest cousin was within one second of
me turning to greet her, after only God knew how long it had been since I last saw her, now was
showing an issue with me.

Just thinking about it now still hurts because I knew where it was coming from, and it was like how
can people be so eager to want to hate you till they literally use other peoples reasoning, just to show
them support, and we are supposedly all somehow related. Now there are rumors, and if some are
true would make some sense, but still even then I had not even opened my mouth yet.

It was coming. Oh God, it was coming, but I hadn’t done it yet.

I was literally avoiding still working through my plan A, B, and C to get them to realize I did nothing
to anyone. However, each plan, even with no plan seemed to just angered them more, and still
literally each time I came around a new person was being nasty to me without fully telling me what I
did to them. That’s all I wanted to know so I could judge how far to tell them to go to hell IF they
didn’t accept my full explanation.

I thank God I didn’t get a one good time full explanation because if it wasn’t received it would have
been nothing stopping my mouth from commanding the grounds to open. So because I didn't have
my fair day in court I still respected them all more or less especially my cousin, Heather.

Like all, I had given multiple chances for them to see the light, to not bash me just to keep from
really mentally, and emotionally helping each other because like I mentioned, I was shocked for the
most part. I knew where it was coming from because she literally asked why did I politely invite my
cousin over after he was blowing up my social media with threats. I simply said to him that this
house is always open to him. He messaged something I took as supportive, and then a joke. At the
time of opening the message, during school I had been cursing faculty, students, parents and
grandparents out for years, so I didn’t take what he said seriously. It seemed kinda nice even, and he
ended it with texting, “P.S. I am going to kick your ass”.

43
I never personally had an issue with him before, even though he was one of them that told me at 11
that he never wanted anything to do with me. I felt sorry for them, even about that so I didn’t fully
understand how deep their vendetta was against me at 11 so I brushed it off, and still even tried
hanging with them every chance I could. Had I known, I needed to have some type of emotional
sensitivity protection distance from them then that day in the hotel at 11 would have been my last
day ever trying with anyone. I would have given up my selfish greed of wanting each member of my
family to act like a family to me, and I would have been out then learning how to figure me out, my
health, and mental state a lot earlier had I known how deep that was. Yet, again I was convincing
myself a simple explanation could cure that. Or a shoot out at least, something.

I was open to it all by letting it out but I was not ever interested in hiding, and carrying pain. Even
though that’s exactly what I ended up doing also by waiting. Somehow they all convinced each other
that I was hurting them since even before I was born. They mentioned as soon as I was announced
as coming into this world, everyone forgot about them. Honestly a part of me was like what in the
world. But a very open, and wanting to be understanding part of me still just wanted to explain,
“what about me, and did me being announced mean I couldn’t have a family that I was proud of?”.

However, being treated so nasty, the what in the world part took over. I already didn’t respect the
overall dynamic of the family's behavior from when I was younger, and now I had a real target on
my back. One-by-one again I was now given personal reasons not to respect individuals now even
more so, because now it was directly their behavior towards me, and not in general. I even tried to
tell my cousin that I thought he was playing. She said “what was that to say to him?” I guess she was
about to school me honey. Perhaps she was sent outside to do just that. Idiots!

I was like, “but, did you see what he said to me?” She replied saying, “Yes I saw that but that's your
cousin blah blah blah blah blah.” Literally after she confirmed she saw it with her own eyes that
before that I judged being so brilliant, smart, and talented, yet they still judged it as if the messages
were reversed, I was done. It felt like I couldn't believe that was happening. To my defense, I just
got a cute little curse from him that people far bigger, and braver I might add, got cursed out every
day of the week by me for a lot more, yet she was blaming me for him cursing? I was done caring. I
was back into my fantasy saying I aint got no friend but jesus to myself as she turned, and literally
stomped off marching making sure to mumble to yourself as she was busting through the front door

44
just loud enough to been heard by the rest of the three blind, deaf, and dumb mice watching
through the window, “You Cant Beat Me”.

I was like omg these people children are crazy. Grown educated people act worse than the children.
They had each other not only talking to themselves, they were telling on everything that was not
nailed down, and getting upset because no one else was doing nothing about it. Sounds familiar? I
knew I had to get it from somewhere.

It’s ridiculous that those that literally mold you to be can get upset when you become instead of
continuing to shape, and build and inspire.

But God!

I have always been an Identifier of what's real, and what's true. I just didn’t believe either would
withstand my explanation when we all were there. So again just like when the others shared their
feelings of me being the “Golden Child”, I respected that at least she said something. Anything,
because I would rather know what I am sitting around than to be caught off guard.

I couldn’t bring myself at the time to even consider understanding the reason, and what was said
even, though I tried. I just always felt so much better could have been done or said. If not better at
least a conclusion to the direction they were going. I was still not choosing right or left myself. Yet,
at least again I was getting attention, and just maybe now that I am responding, and preparing to
speak, I will get my chance to explain my side. I just knew if I could at least once, then the truth
would come out, and all would be right in the world. So I was not fully prepared to dive off the deep
end with anyone because I wanted to exist in a right world with these people. I could easily forgive
them but the images I saw that I could say or do would have taken a person like me to forgive me if
I went that far, and just tried to come back from it like they were doing. The problem was, their
“real” was so real, and harsh and a lot. I just wanted to defend myself being left each time picking up
my own feelings while they were embracing each other as a congratulatory achievement.

Coming In.!

45
Well, Happy Thanksgiving to me too. I had to just brush it off because I hadn’t even made it in the
house yet to introduce myself to the rest of the family. One thing I knew for sure from that
presentation outside of who all was in the living room watching people walk up, and down the road.
Child!

So I remember walking up to the bottom glass door getting a glimpse of myself, and I approved, so
nothing else mattered. I even think I was still too simple minded to even imagine anyone not
approving. I mean for years these people barely acknowledged me, to me, so I really wasn’t
expecting much of any life at all. They had already proven to not mind being zombies, so my plans
to share a cure hadn’t changed, it just had to wait.

So I took a deep breath, just because it was dramatic while looking at myself super cute, and I went
in still all smiles now talking plenty of junk along with everyone else as their mouths hit the floor. I
was with my only cousin at the time, more like a Sister Crystal, and we were all giggles. I had hair,
and she had a tongue ring. Both were old news to us but of course people saw it, and wanted to
mention it to be cute. Well, I was now responding to let them know I can be cute too.

They had no clue of what to say to me. Honestly, that was the best thing because I was so happy till
only God knows how direct, and polite, I would have answered their questions looking them square
in the eyes. My head was definitely up that day. What feet?

It was Thanksgiving for Pete's sake, and I had been looking forward to it forever. My birthday is two
days before Christmas, and Crystal’s birthday was Christmas Day. So what did we as two Capricorns
have to be upset, nervous, or on edge about on Thanksgiving with family? My aunt Freddie Mae
who literally was the true heart rebel of her generation in the family just like heather was to her
generation, and I am by default to mine came to me, and said something to me about the hair. She
couldn’t have come at a better time because I was just in my old vanity dresser mirror fixing it,
laughing with myself. When she spoke, doing it in an obvious way to make sure it was somewhat
one-on-one, I turned all the way around, and said something proud like, “yeah”, and giggled. I
couldn’t even hold it in. She just slightly nodded seeing I was so happy, sure of myself, and bold til I
was on one. What she didn’t know was that I was confident that I was on the one, two, and the
three but I didn’t fool with the four, by choice.

46
The difference was I was picking up on every single thing but I wasn’t offended by it yet for some
reason. I was simply replying to what was asked of me. Yes, I jumped in when Crystal tongue ring
was being judged to put an end to that by kindly reminding them who else all had tongue rings that
didn’t work out for them, but I wasn’t holding on to every backstabbing. Crystal was a part of my
inner fantasy so it was no way she was going to have to defend anything about her new self to
anyone alone. As always, I shut that hater activity just to be seen down.

For the first time they were missing me, and stabbing themselves, and it was weird in a different
way. During dinner all those that had been in the living room were now in my old room, from when
I lived there, eating dinner. My Granny had it built for my mom, and I but she would say for me. I
knew that probably didn’t help at all. Again, I was just happy to be there with the people I wanted to
be with but this time everyone was silent eating dinner. It was so estranged. These were the people
who always jocked, laughed, mocked their parents and aunts, burst out into singing songs like the
Braxton’s, and played around with each other since I was a baby. Why were they so silent during the
holidays? It was a buzz kill for me because I was in rare form ready to talk and laugh at talking just
as much junk as any of them. My junk talking couldn’t have been any worse than theirs. At least
minds were based on facts with receipts that I didn’t need to keep up with because I saw they all
were doing that for me ever since asking them on separate occasions why. Their trash talk was based
on feelings and mines were based on family goals. I felt if were going to laugh at anything then lets
laugh at the truth the whole truth so help us God because to me that was much more funnier than
laughing at any lie. I still laugh at the truth today. Maybe that’s how I chose to cope then by laughing
with the obvious.

However, the candy yams their mom made, as well as that macaroni my aunt made was my favorite
combo in those days. So imagining myself being 50 pounds lighter, with a ride outside waiting after I
could have slapped my whole plate of food in people's faces, just had to wait. Again, I was hoping
someone broke the silence. I even looked at my cousin Ian thinking ok, surely he is too chill, and
cool to fall for this hype, and I knew he was about to say something. Nope, everyone just sat, and
ate while playing percussion with metal cutlery, porcelain plates, and chewing gum smacking. I guess
they had talked out in the living room, and just couldn’t take any more of hearing themselves.

47
I knew it had something to do with me yet again, and I had just given them something else to talk
about me, and not to me. At that point, I had so much built up in their minds against me that I
didn’t even know, till I had no clue what end to start on first. My only guess was the most recent
thing. I knew with me asking why in all their ears were head punches, but my goodness did they
cause all that to be born? I would have even loved to blame that if I hadn’t got that Golden Fetus
speech that completely crossed that idea out for me.

I had no clue when or where we were going to get to talk or even if they would listen but one thing
for sure at that Thanksgiving I was simply just starting, loving me some me, for me, so they no
longer had to. I felt like I had a new life, with new opportunities, and new chances to meet the world
looking back at me alone, and not my family, and I. I just knew the world was going to love me even
more since it had already shown me love in my fantasy with the people that allowed me to love them
my way. Aside from those random spoiled apples that popped up every now, and then, that were
always ready to be made examples of, to iron out any new comer misunderstanding, my life felt great
publicly, to me. Aside from health getting worse, and family beginning to curse, reality was not
feeling so troublesome to me any more. I got this and anyone that’s a part of my fancy, by default
got it too. I guarantee it.

48
 Pass Me Not.

That really would rub my gears the wrong way. Okay, when my structure, my character was under
attack or even in question, and I had to fortify using the love I was now getting from new people
coming in my life. I could not have my happy place being under attack, and judged now that I have
more responsibilities to uphold my people, my family I met in school, and I had to be the one to
defend it at all cost. Even if it meant jeopardising my day in family court, my fantasy support system
was my responsibility.

I didn’t go off the deep end with my attitude about other things concerning my so-called family, but
like a protective mother, when I met my sisters Meeka, and Quinn, I would have summoned all
firearms out of thin air to lay any of my relatives to rest that dared even spoke a word against them
and let it spilt getting back to me. I guess that’s why that was the most under lock and key secret
conversation any one of them may have ever had.

I promise God was saving me, and other people because only He knows how much I would have
used that from the heart, the soul, from the four winds of the earth to have more than enough
reason to snap. All conclusions would have come to a head at one time and it would have been no
questions no answers no evidence. Meeka, and Quinn had proven to me that they loved me just by
being there with me. To me they filled the spot a family was supposed to be in so can anyone
imagine how protective you are about your family? I had never had any friends, and my family
wasn’t shit, and I didn’t know what having new people in my life felt like. All I knew was my family
wasn’t about to ruin that connection for me. Everytime people would tell me oh your family was so
nice, it didn’t matter if I was standing directly in front of them I would warn them that my family
wasn’t shit out of fear that whatever that was potentially about to happen to them could not be
blamed on me.

I didn’t want no part in any of their demise caused by my family, and I didnt keep it a secret. They
would stand their looking dumb not even caring to defend themselves when I would tell their
friends that because they knew exactly why I was sharing that. I was death scared for them people,

49
and for how that would have made me feel after the fact while not taking that chance to warn them.
Their friends would look at them searching for any reply to my accusation, and wouldn’t get any.

They would then just turn back to me slightly nodding, putting their heads down with one saying
she understood. Her response had let me know they had already tried to give her the downlow about
me and them being silent was their only way to make it seem like what they said in secret was true.
Playing as if I was crazy, but I wasn’t crazy. I just didn’t give a damn. No life, no cat, dog, or plant
was going to be on my conscience for not warning them of the troubles to come when they would
politely make it their business out of the blue, between my laughing with them to share with only me
that they thought my family was so nice.

Who did they think they were fooling with, being newcomers? Who did they think they were playing
with? A giddy bug? They wanted to see my response in front of my family, and dammit that always
gave me a reason to give it to them.

I didn’t care who could use what to paint me out to play crazy. I was going to be polite to all
newcomers because they had zero to do with anything just like the children that were being born
into the family, but I was determined to warn them from my side of the story whenever I was
approached about any of them that I had an opinion about. Don’t you come to me telling me about
nobody you do know that I don;t fool with because they told you they didn’t fool with me. That’s
why it was so important to them to tell me how nice they were, talking about how they wish they
were a part of it. Okay, that's nice, but your blood was not about to be on my hands. You could
have played cute all day, showing that you support my family, and that was good for you. I was
happy for you, but your blood was not about, to be, on my hands. She, and the rest of their friends
would always get silent because they would realize it was not their fight. They had done what they
said to get brownie points or whatever that they got to show their support, and did not get any
backup, so they knew to back down. Okay!

So with that I knew for sure I better had got the same respect with who I chose to bring around. I
was in control of who I interviewed to be in, and out. If the connection had to be broken it was
going to have to come from Quinn or Meeka leaving or needing to leave but that was going to be
between us and us alone. They are my sisters, and I love them, and I vowed to myself without

50
needing to say a word that I was going to love them as if they were my real family. They were the
soldiers now in my fantasy, and without them needing to do anything, and without them knowing I
was the warrior in theirs.

We would have sleepovers and cook, do each other's and others hair for money on the side, and
party down. When they said they wanted to get away, no matter how long, they were with me, and
when I wanted to I was there at their home. It was never strange. I felt right at home in the hood
next over to my own. Crazy how the streets can sometimes be so much more warm, and inviting
than your own home.

I first met Meeka in the school’s hallway. I was sitting down minding my business. I was most likely
skipping class because I didn’t feel like walking to it so I would go to the next one early. I was in my
own world, and what didn’t make sense to me to do didn’t get done. Meeka came messing with me,
poking me like a crazy person lol. We started, “playing fighting”, as I was swatting her back handed
with the metal part of my notebook, and she said, “You a quick lil fat bitch”. We both laughed,
introduced ourselves, and the rest was history. After that we always spoke when in passing, and
eventually changed numbers where I then met her little sister Quinn that did hair also.

Now that I look back even though they were siblings with a family dynamic similar to my own , but
a lot cooler, I don’t think they were used to having friends either. As a matter of fact, their Granny,
that they call Ma, implied it by straight up telling me to not bring my black ass around to her house
if they couldn’t come to my house. I took that to heart by knowing she wanted me to be a real friend
to them as if the people in their past had used them for something in that way. She didn’t know that
I had a sworn duty to protect my fantasy family. If she did, I'm sure it would not have been said like
that. I was already all in.

We all were winging it for the first time treating each other how we wanted to be treated. The only
difference was they just wanted a friend, and I wanted, needed a family.

Proud

51
I was proud of myself obtaining, and maintaining stable nontoxic relationships in the physical reality.
Meeting beautiful, brilliant people that showed appreciation for the way I thought enough to share
with me how they thought. We grew together. Whether in person or from over 1-800 party lines, we
would have a riot of laughter, and a great time planning for the days where we could go anywhere in
the world, and do whatever.

They all were so unique, and special to me. They weren't just one united wicked front that was
against me. All had their own opinions, goals, and motivations for having themselves. It was a
breath of fresh air, and I was honored to share intimate moments sharing our woes, and helping
each other figure out ways to cope with only having our side of the story hidden while others were
celebrated. They were like my children in some ways because I just wanted to shield them from their
hurts. I had gotten used to taking on as much of others burdens to make my own feel like a vacation
when it was just me. I would shield my own pain with food, depression signs of forcing myself to go
back to sleep for days before I met new people to talk with.

People like Dorian that I met from social media, and Jeremaine that I met shooting people heads off
on Xbox. We had amazing conversations, and shared a lot. The only thing was one knew that I was
a guy, and the other had a clue, but no proof, and I wasn’t ready to tell him. One preferred it that
way while the other I preferred it that way taking away his right to choose based on having all the
details, and not just some. I was absolutely wrong, and would later regret it more than anything else
in my life. Enough said.

Mary

Feeling lower, and lower in reality, and having to result back to full time fantasy where all was well as
long as I wasn’t being told by anyone that I was harming them. I was going back, and forth between
trying to make myself feel better about myself, and being readily available to speak with anyone that
needed to vent or have someone to talk to. I was giving them the best prayerful advice that I should
have been accepting myself. I tried but I felt my issues just needed more than what I had alone to
give it.

52
People, mostly men, from all over the world like in prisons all over the country, people living in
other countries, and local guys that would come over I would interact with. In reality, which I was
completely ignoring at this point, my health was still declining, but in my fantasy I still needed my
emotional high. So I got my emotional high by being the actual high for others. Like Dorian, and
Jeremaine, some knew I was a disabled man while others didn’t know even when some of them were
sitting directly in my face holding a conversation or in my bed talking.

My high came from giving them all the best experience I could, from me to them, when they
expressed they wanted to hear more from me because of how I talked.

They would say they never heard a person in the world talk like I did. As if my love would fill the
room, and whether right, wrong, or indifferent they never had to guess that anything I said that's
what I meant for myself right when I said it, and I reserved the right to change my ideas about
myself at any time which will change what I say. I never had to though because from my life's
experiences, I was talk show interview ready. Nothing could back me up in a corner. My tongue was
like the greatest boxer of all times. You were going to get tired of talking about whatever before I
agreed to get tired of responding.

They all loved that confidence of my mind that I was constantly trying to build theirs all up with. I
was overjoyed to have the opportunity to, and the technicalities of this reality was not going to ruin
anything from me doing that. I loved at them all as if I had them from how they expressed they
loved the way I thought, with what I chose to share. It was just a shame that couldn’t be my family
and I. Then it was a double shame that half of them knew my emotional pain with family still
gossiping about me, spreading rumors, and stealing from me at that point didn’t get to know how
that aided with my physical, and mental pain.

To them I had it all figured out with how positive I still would try to spin it figuring out why with
them because I had been such a help to them getting understanding for themselves, and their
struggles. I only would tell them what I imagined I would do if I was healthier, wanting to be non
confrontational, and as positive as I could be in a place like I imagined them being. I knew I needed
much more help than a phone call could give in reality so I selfishly ignored my needs but not my

53
wants, and kept a guard of protecting my fantasy, and those in it that were my responsibility to
protect, and serve their wants, and emotions. I was a world walker in the spiritual world while
becoming more, and more stationary in the “natural”.

Keyonna Davis Warrior Princess

Like when someone at home was being rude vs when someone at school was being rude vs when
the guys of the night were being rude. So now with me on defensive ready mode, up all the time
between multiple worlds with segments that separated them even more, it was easier for me to see
that the hands of one are now the hands of all. If there was an issue and you knew it, and acted as if
you could play both sides, you were now a part of the issue, a dying population on its way out of my
world. I couldn’t trust you being buddy buddy with people that were lying, and stealing from me, yet
you were in their faces like that was ok. I was not like their friends either.

It wasn't any innocent bystanders in my opinion, and I was not interested in taking any prisoners
because I didn't build places for those in my fantasy. Everyone was free to do whatever, mostly say
whatever, and be as prepared as they chose to regulate for themselves on their emotional lawns. If
you had already been escorted out my emotional hill, then it was only one of two reasons that I
would see you headed back to my coordinates, and that was to make things right with me or get
high-noon on sight. Your Choice!

It was to many people that I was responsible for making them feel better so that I could feel better
to linger in limbo with any that didn’t appreciate the effort. It was exciting to come to conclusions
within seconds of High-noon if the first choice of Peace, Love, and figuring it out together wasn’t
good enough for them. Then High-noon!

I know now that's kind of intense, kinda, but back then I felt if I intentionally planned to care, and
you intentionally planned not to care, then going forward with me you were going to have to plan to
be careful. Case closed until further evidence that they gave-a-care.

The further away the worlds had become the more the lines blurred between what was real, truth,
and reality. Even though I still had my fantasy to result in, I was convinced that I was doing the right

54
thing by acknowledging what's real to me till I started having conflict with myself when I won’t fully
express my feelings in the same ways to all. I felt torn, and fake by not saying what I wanted, and
how I felt because now it was levels in the fantasy, and I had put some too high that had started
showing out. However, like an enabling loving but neglectful parent I was like those are my babies,
and as long as they don’t hurt nobody then nobody better not hurt them. Yet they were hurting
themselves, and I began to make excuses for them not realizing they were also making excuses for
me not living my full potential.

Couldn’t stop fighting to explain to my family I did nothing to them to focus on my fantasy friends
who now needed me more than ever to cut the fantasy. Stuff on all sides was getting real again. I
chose to deal with things as they came, with no expectations, and be an archer to keep things going.

Zombies came to the lawn, they had to go. Family came with issues of how they felt seeing my hair
one way or another, they had to go. It was nothing about my well-being? They had to go, so I could
solely focus on who I felt was more likely the best, and only option I had to invest in. I knew I
would more than likely be able to work with them all in the future because we vibed on some level.
However, the zombies were multiplying, and they were scaling the walls for attention. I didn’t
understand why or how since I had stopped going to every holiday celebration, and every event even
though I was still cleaning people's homes for them. The ones who wanted all the attention, had it,
while I just cleaned up after every one, before, and every one else was gone so they could act like
clowns for each other. So why still bring me up in any way? A question I am sure no one asked each
other or themselves. I was already living like a ratchet Cinderella Story, but for the sake of the elders
I stayed as respectful as I could. Mostly because I still had a plan that one day we were going to have
to talk face to face, and all give an account for our part.

However, that was taking long, and with the stresses of my life I was like why I had to be the one
that had to keep respecting zombies. Sometimes, because of old drama that was never settled or
discussed, I wanted to High-noon them just because they acted as if I wasn’t still their topic of every
day. They sure were my topic everyday. It was not one day went by where I didn’t imagined a super
peaceful chill forgiving session, and its alternative session of me back slapping them, walking off
daring them to come up behind me from leaving in peace so I could turn, and you guessed it, High-
noon them, and send them straight to wherever they wanted to go for trying me, and this time.

55
I literally had to convince myself not in front of the elders any more. I knew the conversation we
needed to have was personal, deep, and beyond either of us all, and the elders were seemingly too
stuck in their ways, so they said, to change or allow anyone else to change by talking it out. That only
lasted until they would have an issue then all of a sudden they would have an Oprah talk show ready
to talk it out, but you couldn’t.

That’s why I didn’t tell them anything. I was just waiting like always for my time to speak even if I
had to pull up one-on-one to their homes when I could. Granny used to pull up looking for her
grandchildren, and great grandchildren that she didn’t get to see in a while. I would have been pulled
up looking to settle some understandings so the toxic hate speech that's been spreading eating away
at everyone’s heart about me could stop. It wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t cute when it could have just
come to me. I thought I needed, wanted, and invited the smoke to get things off my chest too so it
could have come to me.

It was so hard to bite my tongue at times waiting for that final one-on-one with people as adults to
put it all on that table, and agree to burn the table as a lie or just both leave it alone while agreeing
not to continue sitting at it consuming lies please for the world's sake. Waiting for that, while
grinning, and bearing it, I felt how could I possibly scold a classmate down from A to Z when I felt
disrespected by watching them attempt to bully me or someone in front of me because they couldn’t
bully me, but I couldn't do the same at home 100%.

I was like what do these zombies want from me?. They didn’t appear to want to be a part of
planning my growth or theirs in my fantasy or reality but they also didn’t seem to want to
acknowledge my struggles with them in my reality. As if I had to get down or lay down as the
walking dead with them.

The choice was so obvious, and engraved in me until it felt like it wasn't even mine to make that
nothing would make me join zombies. The only option I felt I had was to let it play on in hopes
things finally change before the inevitable happens, which was the outcome in every zombie movie.
And no, I don’t mean with my brains being taken over or ate out.

56
 Funn Games

On one hand it was super fun because both potential outcomes I felt I could live with but the
stagnation the situation proposed was frustrating more than anything. That grew a lot of resentment
fueling a lot of obvious disrespect of not knowing how that was even fair. It made me feel
misunderstood, and ignored which caused anger to start setting in.

Up until that point I had not been angry. I had no issues to be angry about other than wanting to
rush my day in family court where there was no doubt in my mind that afterwards it would be
peaceful. So no I wasn’t angry, but becoming more impatient, especially when money got involved,
and assault, and battery. Yes! However, it did not matter to anyone because you know it was just me.

The saddest part is it didn’t matter much to me either as if something unseen was blocking the
magnitude of it from my realization of just how far gone it was from an explanation solving it.
However, I wanted it so bad, and I had put so much emphasis on that day when I could, so like the
other unfortunate events I just filed it away as evidence for that day.

All I wanted the explanation to do was show me a sign, that I needed to witness, that they genuinely
looked at all they have done against me, and say, “damn, you were right that was messed up”. And
afterwards I would have just said okkkkk, and we all would laugh knowing that none of those things
would happen anymore to anyone else concerning us. I didn’t need anyone’s or any more apologies.
I wanted the treatment that I sensed from early on to stop, and that’s what seemed to be the hardest
part for people. They could apologize all day, and night but when your treatment, that I assume you
are apologizing for, is the same then what were you apologizing for? Just to do it? We had to renew,
and that was seeming to grow impossible to get done one sided. I was moving towards that button
needing to be pushed on people. My finger was on it, but I was stronger than a quick conclusion. I
wanted to fight for the brighter conclusion I desired. It was no life if I couldn’t say I gave my all to
get that one.

57
However, once again when I was given a sign that others agreed it to be somewhat real or
understanding I just went on struggling with it. Thinking well at least I was able to keep it real, and
whenever whoever was ready to talk about it I would be open.

I didn’t realize that I had a lot of unanswered questions while holding a lot of unquestionable
answers that I was not giving to myself.

You See Me

The structure of those early situations would grow more, and more problematic on one end of my
life, and more, and more successful on the other end. It would go on to be the same repeated
dynamic over many other scenarios in my life for years after that. Getting my emotional stability
from strangers, and saying my early RIPs to family where I slowly lost hope of being family with
them. Even though I still wanted my day, it had started to become too much for me to overlook
everything that was happening. I knew that after my day, and all was forgiven I would still peacefully
leave not looking back. The only difference would be I wouldn’t be called back to defend my fort,
and I could live in peace in my fantasy with my real family.

Still resulting back into my real fantasy for cover even more often at that point till all my responses
to others started being me responding to myself. I felt I wouldn’t tell someone anything I wouldn’t
tell myself if I was in my perspective of their situation. I wasn’t into eye contact so when I heard
something I took it as if it was either me saying it to myself or if it was happening to me.

When someone expressed the wrong they encountered at the hands of someone else I wanted
justice. Especially if the person telling me was a part of my fantasy. There wasn’t any entry to tell me
anything, no other way. I was fortified all around me, and my real family. I was supposed to be
protecting them. So if they were hurt then I was really ready to kill because I would hear it
happening to them as if it was happening to me.

On the outside I still would speak to them as if I was speaking to their future successful selves, but
in my heart, and thoughts I wanted to handle their issue with a zombie without them ever knowing.
Yes, I had become a defender of my perspective of what's real, and fair.

58
 Defender of lies

If what they expressed sounded patient, and had validity, and truth to me then my guard would
come down because I understood, and agreed with them taking the best high road. However, if they
or who they were talking about were already escorted out but speaking at me with any strife as if
demanding me to respect them, my wall would duplicate between them, and I like a never ending
maze of dominos.

Looking back now, with empathy for everyone, I realized my ears were picking up their tones that
most likely not have been because of me even if it was towards me. Even if it was, so? Why did I still
care to care at that point? Nothing was looking up in private, and I had my world in my protected
hands in public where everyone was already winners. Somehow it was more painful to be blamed
for something I didn’t know of or intentionally did, more than taking the punishment for things I
did do.

I would agree to take my punishment but never another’s blame. Either way, I was tired of getting
my hopes up about certain individuals finally addressing me to talk anything out because their tones
signaled to me to take off the safety because I was already loaded.

So again I found myself running from more dramatic hurtful feelings about what I was sensing
versus what was really there being left holding the blame because of being to ready to defend myself.

“Oh well”,
I said that often to throw off any care of changing my approach. It felt too late to change alone. The
lines had been drawn for me, and I drew my lines right next to them. No way was I going to respect
what I was seeing happening, and no way was I going to act like I didn’t have answers about it.

It seemed that no matter what I tried, no way were the ones blaming me ever going to respect me or
my ideas of how it would benefit us all to change together for the better. I felt forsaken, and easily
forgotten. Until they needed something. No matter how they would have twisted it in their heads, I
was still always at the heart of whatever they needed because they all had children by then, and my

59
mom was still a teacher. So that meant their children would be at my house, and I had them, doing
their hair, and teaching them right from wrong as if my life depended on it while their parents, and
uncles were still dead wrong.

This happened so long it felt like a punishment for being myself.

I got tired of fighting with no end conclusion so I felt the best thing was to stay away as much as
possible. I was still not choosing to preach to myself about changing my very own perspective, so I
preached to the children about making the right choices for themselves.

The closest I had got to that for myself was twice, before they were born, while admitting to myself
that I did not desire to fight but I also admitted that I did not want to be walked over either . So the
fight only became fun because at least it was a reason for me to reuse the frustration of the whole
thing.

However, I thought of every reason I could to why things were the way they were. Why was I the
only one left tripping publicly on a rug everyone agreed with me that stuff was being pushed under?
I was stumbling on the rug with things under it that had gotten as large as a herd of elephants while
everyone else seemed to keep sweeping things under it as if they no longer saw what I saw.

I just could not understand. I was literally killing myself even trying to understand others' reasoning
because I realized that I stopped all of my learning, and all of my personal development from the
first time of asking why. It was like I could not move past those fake, but real crossroad issues that I
had sensed as a child even if my life depended on it, and it really was depending on it more, and
more.

This crossroad was concerning the first people I looked up to learn from how to live in this world.
They were to me supposed to be my foundation that I stood on to reach more than I could be,
right? Yet, it was a real war with real landmines, and real casualties.

I settled for choosing that I only have half of one side of the story so again whenever whoever has
the other side cares to talk it out then I was open.

60
 “If it's the weight, we could lose it. If it’s the love, we could
create it. If it's the hate, we could pray against it. We create our
own environmental hearts, and shift our own mental
surroundings. We create a positive learning environment to
learn beneficial entrepreneur skills that still address issues when
needed but in a productive way. Stay focused on your goals by
feeding them to your feelings because you are what you eat. Use
your aspirations as a guide, and take realistic bite-size chunks of
mapped-out plans for yourself but not by yourself. Surround
yourself with what you find useful, and keep walking in your
Qualification.” - The Qualifying Me

61
 Chapter Three

I have heard before that what you don’t know won’t kill you.

Lies!

Not knowing that I could just as easily tell myself this to save my own life almost took my life. There
was a small voice still screaming “there is still hope just stop fighting in the way that you have been
because it’s adding to people's reason to not want to work together to change for the better”. So I
tried to stop.

I suppressed my suppressor, bit my tongue a lot, and waited for change; still while not choosing
which way at that cross section of life, and death to take. By default, I knew I had already chosen
death. After waiting for answers for years as long as I could, and losing family members I wanted to
have talks with, I started praying, and reflecting differently .

I figured that starting school again would be a great new start. Last time I started school it was a
community college that just like my other schools was hard to enjoy, and get the most out of with
my physical challenges. It was embarrassing because I loved learning new challenging things from
the classroom. My favorite subjects went from Math to Science then to any form of Writing while in
college because I could load the teacher up with laughs about me.

As a payment for searching Real Estate Investment properties for my dad’s fiancee, who I never
met, with a tablet she bought, I saw an opportunity to enroll in Rocky Mountain College of Art and
Design. This time classes would be in Art Design college online, and I knew I would be surrounded
with other emotional, creative creatures that I could keep up with in academia, excel even.

I had something to finally be for me only, that was positive, and that I could unleash all of my
everything in. I spent hours on the floor drawing, and studying day, and night passing my classes

62
with ease. I even began to meet some fascinating Commercial Photography Artists as we practiced
our way around learning to begin using the camera, and studio kit that came with the program. It
was so much fun, and I was on the threshold of reality, and dreaming of being a Top World Famous
Commercial Photographer Destination Wedding Planner yall.

I just knew that would have been perfect for me to pull all my know-how, and resources together
and give the Bride, and Groom a great first day of the rest of their lives together. That was the first
time I ever thought, “this is what I want to do for the rest of my life.’ I was not the type to think
about that as a child. I just knew whatever it was I ended up doing, I was going to give it my all
doing it, and I knew I was going to have super fun doing it.

Not because I imagined it would be some fun exciting industry, but I knew I was going to have a
fun time working, and making it entertaining, even if it was mopping the floors, and cleaning the
toilets. I adapted the saying “Somebody has to do it” by hearing my Granny say “Somebody got to
watch the children”, that I heard from Rodney. She was implying if you don’t want the children,
then bring them to her or she could come get them, and she did, repeatedly.

So I felt the same way about my future. In fact, in my mind, I always preferred the hardest work that
most didn’t want because I knew if I made that enjoyable for myself to think about then whatever I
ended up doing would be a plus. Also, I knew I wouldn’t have any competition in wanting to fill the
position.

I was in love with being able to be on top of my personal development towards a future that looked
like me, while at the same time still helping others with motivation when needed, and staying away
from negativity corrupting my environment, and my thoughts. That was until I couldn’t get up
without falling back down.

“Oh My Gosh”, I said as I tried. I had sat on the floor so long doing school work, drawing life size
portraits, and studying art history for writing essays until I got stuck in that position. I quickly
realized what had happened. I had been on the health edge crisis for my entire life. One slip, and I
would have been done. I was even mentioned on the South Carolina’s State Newspaper front page
about it, but I was always moving just enough to always be able to move just enough. When I

63
stopped moving even more, and was confident to prove to myself, and all that not only did I love
school, and learning, but I could be great in it, again I failed. This was the greatest failure to date.
Without being able to walk, how was I going to do Commercial Photography?

I brushed the repeated falls off after attempting to get up in agony to use the restroom, and
convinced myself to not panic, and just keep doing the assignments. I told myself, “I got this, I can
do this”. I was still in a lot of Gen Ed classes so I said that I would just fool my instructors when
they needed a camera assignment done for the advanced classes of the program. I could just use
objects in my room. No one would ever know, and then after the program or during breaks I could
focus on trying to get up again.

I was able to do that for about one more week of assignments before life caught on, and went pass
again. Between having accidents, not being able to make it to the restroom out of the pain, crawling
to the tub while being secretly watched, and judged for it, I was locked out of class for a week. There
goes my secret plan to “fake it til I make it”. I panicked!

Literally, I freaked out! At first, I thought it was my fault. After speaking, and emailing technical
support many times they explained, “it’s on our end”, and that I was the only one it happened to. I
was like, “what in the world”. I couldn’t believe it. Even worse, they didnt know how long it would
take to fix, but assured me they would get it working, and that I should contact my instructors. They
were so nice, and calmed me down so perfectly while even offering to contact my Instructors as
well. I just knew I was saved by the bell, but I was wrong.

Half of my Instructors seemed to look down on the IT department, and said it’s my responsibility to
get the work, get it done, and submit it when I was back able to sign in. Making my sign in date the
due date for any back work. When I tell you I kept my mouth so calm from cursing one of my
instructors out, like the dead dog she was wishing I made her if I could walk. She was already acting
like a dead dog, lifeless. O.M.G. The lady had it out for me. Maybe it was a paper I wrote, but who
knows because I was just finding out right then. I remember the others were saying things like we
will work it out, and one even sent me the work that was coming up that I was missing. None of us
knew how long it would take to get me back online so we made the best out of being optimistic
together. Expect that one.

64
I even kept all the emails just in case I am ever able to go up to that school looking for her. This
lady said it was up to me to get the assignments, and I could get them from the other students,
because she wasn’t going to email them to me, as if we were in a classroom setting, and we were able
to see each other go, and come everyday. That was one slap I owed her. Then after saying she didn’t
care what I.T. The department said, she explained that I won’t be receiving extra time because that
would be unfair to the other students. Yes, the same students I never saw in an online class until we
were able to critique each other's work in the comment section after logging in to the online portal
that I was now locked off of for the unforeseen future. It was CRAZY, and that was the second
slap, in the opposite direction, I owed her.

What kept me from completely cursing her out like a drunk sailor that’s about to die at sea that
didn’t believe in God, was that I.T. The department kept saying, “any day now any day now” that I
kept forwarding to all my instructors to keep them updated. They did the same, and would keep
trying to reach her, but she wasn’t responding to their emails about it at first until she eventually told
them the same thing she told me. They even forwarded me the emails they sent her, and then she
got snappy at me for their constant emails.

I was still calm because that kept me thinking ok i can turn this around just being locked out one
day. I planned on getting back on, and crushing it like never before, doing months of work ahead of
time to ensure this never happens again because I was used to doing my work ahead of time a little
bit anyway. Years of being delusionally optimistic was back to pay a visit for my nerves. I hate this
world. That anticipation of her, and I having to continue, and thinking it would be just any day is
what kept me from threatening her whole existence, and everyone that would ever stand up for her.

I remembered it happened on a Sunday afternoon. I had done so much work ahead of time, and had
a great Sunday even though I was now stationary, til I didn’t panic that first evening. The offices
were closed for the weekend, and I was feeling so dang positive, I just figured it was a maintenance
thing that happened to everyone. I remember going to bed happy thinking in the morning we would
all be able to get in, start the new week, and turn in the week were just wrapping up because
Sunday’s by 11:59 pm were our turn in times. Monday would have proved to be a different story
when I still couldn’t get in. However, Sunday night I put no thought in it because I was proud that I

65
was doing something beyond my circumstances. It was something that only dealt with my mind to
do it, and my heart to drive myself to get the program done.

Each class was seven weeks, so each week was designed to be a real online college program. I was
full term, so my classes were full. Before that, however, I had spoken to one of the Advisors that
signed me up for orientation about adding more classes to a full, and a half term because I was
knocking the work out so fast, and enjoying it. I even changed the dates on my calendar of when I
was going to Graduate when adding the classes compared to if I kept them the same. For fun, and
because I believed in underwriting best, and worst case scenarios, I even did the calculations if for
whatever reason I went half term. The advisors shared their concerns about thinking it could be too
much work. However, they didn’t know that since starting I was then bedridden, and accepted it
forcefully to focus solely on passing because I didn’t even know what I was health wise yet. I just
knew I was about to pass my classes.

Why would I not be the best in Art school when I was drawing lifelike flowers, animals, and women
since I could pick up a pencil? I needed to make that happen for me as soon as possible only
because I knew I could do it. I was not driven to enjoy school as much as I wanted to before.
Between fighting, cursing, and pain, school was a battleground to simply survive to live another day.
Even though I loved a good fight, a good curse, and some good pain to ease my emotional pain, it
did nothing for school.

I dropped out of High School after the people that wanted to start the fights, and the threats, played
victim one too many times. I may be a lot of things, and can pretend perfectly to be a lot more, but
one thing I will never be is a victim. I was in too much pain to be the bully, and the monster they
tried to paint me out to be, like my family did. I was silent, only smiled when saying hi because my
head was down counting my steps 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3. How was I a bully?

The only time my head came up was to say hi hoping to brighten someone's day in hopes to make
my steps easier or to confront a bully that was trying to bully me, but didn’t understand I wanted to
play too. If you were going to be crazy to bully me then I wanted all your crazy so we both could
learn something that day. Together we were going to learn that you shouldn’t play crazy because
that’s not fun. That happened, and they ran up the street, and after a high speed chase running them

66
up the after, and attacking the back windshields of their vehicle, they were home crying in their
parents arms playing victim, and I was on the "On My Way Out" of school or to jail list. So I just
left High School. It didn't even happen during school or on school grounds, but their mom figured
since it started at school from another fight, where I was hit first, she wanted it to finish at school.
Thank God she did, because that night before I was all in to teaching her children, and all the so
called older brothers, and family they hollered about having for me that you can't expect to bully
people pushing them, and calling their homes making threats, then cry wolf when they go Dr. Jekyll
& Mr. Hyde on you still in front of your momma, your daddy, and the police.

So I had my day in School court where I showed them it was enough eighteen wheelers in the road
already for any to be playing in the street pretending to be one. I knew I wasn't one, that's why I
stayed to myself, and not be crying crocodile tears. So I left telling them to teach their own children
how not to play crazy bullying people. At least be crazy foreal so everyone else knows just to let you
do what you do so that you could keep going about your business.

I did not want the same things to happen now in college. Yet, it must have wanted me because now
two weeks behind all my classes work, the Sunday that work was to be submitted, and now the new
week coming to an end, I was just able to log in. Ruining my dreams to be the perfect student I
knew I could be once again. After a while, once again, I said, “to hell with it”. I couldn’t kill the
instructor right then, nor could I talk them into giving me the time that I knew I needed to catch up
with the seven week course, and if I could, I would have chosen to go up to the school office in
Colorado to get more opinions on Why Me? Why Now?

Stuck In A Pretzel

Stuck in bowed legged pretzel positions, the damage was done, and I was over it with a simple,
"Whatever". I knew surely now people would care to care now. We never had a person in our family
bedridden at the least. The closest we ever saw one before was in the 600 pound Television show, so
I was constantly reminded of it. "Hi Matt, I thought about you when I was watching that 600 pound
life show. You know that show I'm talking about. Alright, ok bye." The care came, the care saw, and

67
there the care goes Repeatedly without even giving me a chance to reply. No how was I, did I need
anything, or better what could we do together to help, nothing.

But I still had my fantasy children right? Yes Jermaine was still being as positive as he knew to be by
telling me to stop imagining myself doing anything for them, and just do it for me, and keep my own
money, and things. Me thinking I was getting things for their well-being was actually me preparing to
bribe them to come, and stay a while for me, and not because of circumstances. They didn’t deserve
me, and I didn’t deserve them. I told him that he just didn't understand how that was easier said
than done for me to forget them. Hell, if I knew how to pull the plug I would have done that a long
time ago, but I knew he didn't know how deep my issues went.

He only got to pieces of my story mixed with a lot of lies about me while we killed people in Gears
of War. I loved that game. I didn't know I had so much anger to get out, and that game, coming to
life for me among others, allowed me to get a lot out. For hours, days I would just kill. Each game
had its own set of rules, objectives, and half of them I still don't know because my only objective
was to kill you while you tried your hardest to kill members of my team and I. My only entry rule
into their gamer world that I gave myself was not to shoot first.

It was so funny to me to crush someone's world that thought they could ruin mine. I literally walked
around admiring the game's artwork for the first time, and being shot at is how I learned to play
almost overnight because I was late to the gamer gaming world.

Where I was from I knew nothing about games like that. Not to sound too country but our games
were red light green light, and duck duck goose under the car porch. I did remember having a
PlayStation before, but I knew nothing about playing online all around the world with people
everywhere. It could be people in outer space talking with you better than over your cell phone call
with a next door neighbor. That's how clear the signal to hear everything was.

So of course, I'm going to take full advantage of being heard. And I did. Boy was I ever. I laughed
so much talking "shit" with people til it wasn't funny, and I was the only one left laughing which
made others start back. I'm still laughing now about some of the laughs we shared. The more I
killed, the more untouchable I was. The more untouchable I was, the more shit I talked. The more

68
shit I talked, the more on my side laughing I was. The more on my side laughing I was, The more I
killed. It went full circle literally, and I could not be stopped. It was self fueling, and just kept
growing.

I would even record clips of me killing them to show the other team where they messed up while
trying to kill me, and how I would like them to work on that so next time I could have more fun still
dodging their shots, and still killing them. My favorite mode was private matches, free for all, with
friendly fire on, where you could even kill your teammates if they wanted. I was a one man army,
and I used that to show who would be secretly using their teammates as cover trying to shoot
around them, but only shooting them in the back. With friendly fire off, you wouldn't be able to
really tell that your teammate is using you as cover because you wouldn't bleed out. They would just
take your kill or get points off your kill as if they were in a straight up one versus one battle with
them, but they were only behind you shooting at your target. I was a little handful, or double, and I
knew it.

I was Batman, of course, and Jermaine as Robin because I trained him to kill until he started killing
me, and I had to really go in like Mr. Miyagi in The Karate KID to get him off me. He was going in!
Working out his own frustrations in life. I couldn't have my trainee killing me JUST to keep me
from laughing so hard when killing him. Him using my Best Kept Secrets against me was really
bringing out the best of my competitiveness for a change. It was the punch, and punch harder
repeatedly back and forth I needed, and wanted from again a room full of love, and appreciation.

That's why I hurted when I told him everything, and we stopped everything. That was the first time
my heart hurted. All before it was my mind, but I never felt love after coming of age to understand I
wanted to feel it instead of just know it. With my Granny I was still young, and less beat up, and
more hopeful to figure things out. I knew she loved me. However, at that point of being in my
twenties I was less hopeful of figuring anything out, and I wanted to feel loved. I was more excited
about dreaming that since I had so many curveballs in life, since I finally met a good curveball
Jermaine that made me feel love, then it could be possible more positive curves may happen where I
will be able to be rich, and give Jermaine.

69
I also wanted to give it to my family, and everyone else. I was convincing myself they could have it
all because as long as my surroundings were happy, I was happy in my surroundings. I just wanted to
party.

Times Up

Oftentimes, I chose to bring the party with me. I did not like waiting, and hoping for a party nor did
I like to not have every piece to the party I wanted. I loved to share, but I didn't like scarcity. So that
formula being mixed with people who liked all the same things, except bringing the party, was a
recipe for me to be used, and left lacking for other things waiting to happen.

Like what happened with my other fantasy child, my sister Quinn. We stayed at parties, and when I
became bedridden the party moved to the phone. We would laugh for hours, days even. It was no
different than when we used to have sleepovers. I provided the entertainment, and she provided the
audience. A match made in, waste all our “Got Damn Time” Heaven. We were not concerned about
heaven at all, even though that was one of the many things we wasted our time rambling about in
person, and on the phone.

I felt that it wasn’t so bad being in bed since I still got to laugh with people that showed me that
they wanted to talk with me. I was still able to be a big sister, and support all her expressed dreams,
and goals.

However, something was different. I had not ever noticed how much men troubles, and friend
troubles that child had. I was like Got Damn for her knowing I was in bed so she would know I had
no excuse not to answer. After a while I left off just not needing any excuse because I was like,
“Bitch, I Got To Go or shoot me one of them people”. I forgot that I was not the person, even in
bed, that could listen to a person that I loved, complaining about being hurt by someone that I
could not make it to.

She wasn’t about to give me the number, so I couldn’t call, and cursed them out as a way of inviting
them to come closer, and swinging first; like I did at school to pass Granny’s rule of don't hit first.
Shoot, I took the feeling of them hurting me, or worse someone I loved, as a direct hit. As a matter

70
of my opinion at the time, only a direct physical hit would have soothe that emotional hit. I could
grab, and squeeze a bruise until it's numb, but I thought with my feelings, and thoughts I couldn’t
do that with my hands. I know it's different now, but during those calls with her high pitched voice I
was like, “oh heeeeellllll no”.

See, before, in person, it was her older sister Meeka, and I that talked about, “men problems”,
because of our similarities in our daddies not being there issues. So we were the ones talking about
men while in person Quinn was the one making fun of us judging us for sounding crazy to her lol.
I’m not sure if it was the years that went by since we were teens or because we were now subject to
the phone but everything had flipped, and for the worst. In person Quinn could walk to the other
room cursing us out for sounding stupid crying over; Waiting To Exhale, Boys on the Side with
Whoopi Goldberg, and The Divine Secrets of The Ya-ya Sisterhood; that we used to OD watching,
but on the phone I was sitting there holding the grip of the phone like any second now.

That was new for me from her, and also for myself because we had gotten so used to just teaming
up when others were hating on either of us. It was one of the ways we both could show our support
not really against an outsider but, just to let each other know, “bump them, it's all good, we’re all
good”. So that’s what I was thinking while on the phone.

Thinking that's how it was going to be when I first heard her mention some issues she was having
with some people. I went into our normal routine of giving her my perspective of basically they
didn’t know any better, as a way of putting what I actually said nice, just to make her laugh so that
again by the end of our conversation we knew that we were good because of course I was on board
with my sister, right? That happened a few times with the same people, and I noticed oh no this
must be serious. The things that were happening to her were happening constantly by these people,
so the things I was saying got more personal. I even decided not to have anything to do with them
because she was emotional saying she was done. I didn’t know them like that other than through her
so it was a no brainer for me to not even consider knowing them but I knew if they kept making her
cry they weren't going to be too happy about knowing me either.

I was really getting emotionally worked up myself resulting in defending my fantasy, and this bitch
had the nerves to completely 180 degree all that she had told me, and went right back with the same

71
people with the same things happening. I was like omg, no way. I had never seen her emotional so I
was thinking of calling the cargo ship man because he was about to have some bodies to carry, and
she went back? Like Tina did Ike she went back. I was like, “I.. can.. not... keep... feeding into...
other... people’s... emotional rollercoaster making... mines... more... volatile”.

After that she continued to go through that cycle with them, and whoever. Being done during the
week, and by the weekend they were back hanging tight. While loading my ear with that, and men
drama, and I was going down hill fast with her. I was realizing, and listening to hear one
conversation that was about me. NOT A One. NOT ONE was about me. I was like well damn,
nothing? NOt did I eat today, nor did I see anyone come spend time with me this year, nothing.

That realization didn’t make me upset with her, but I was very upset with myself because it opened
my eyes to what I made her, and others accustomed to. Accustomed to me being either their rock or
their stepping stole or both at times. I did that, and being only on the phone forced it to come out
because now I really needed help, and it still wasn’t being noticed or thought about.

Ya-Ya!
I didn’t know what all of them were thinking about. They must have seen me as the little slow
engine that could carry all my burdens, and all of theirs, and still make it to the finish line still
smiling, and laughing talking junk. And yes, I could, so that would have been right if they were
thinking that, but now I was beginning to think, well why? Why do that? Why choose to give my
burdens no attention to force myself to focus on others giving me their burdens to carry? NOt to
solve, but they just wanted me to carry them. Solving others' problems seemed to come easy for me
only because they would agree that whatever I said would work for them or that they could see how
it would work for them if thought about in that way I would put it. I always just basically said, “oh
ok”, to them finding some help or relief in my words or in how I phrased it.

I made sure to always tell them that it was not me, that I was quoting from my thoughts. I knew it
wasn’t me, just like I knew it wasn’t me the men were attracted to, and I wanted them to know that I
knew that they should acknowledge to themselves by looking, and listening to me that it was not me

72
either. If I had all the answers that some of them pretended to act like I did, just to get more
answers or more of my time personally, like Yandell, then why was I in a constantly declining battle
with only spikes of emotions that were illusions because I was downhill?

I wanted them to know that even then, I was not giving myself any of the questions or the answers
they were hanging on to me asking for. Even while telling them that, I still didn’t catch on for
myself, but I wanted them to know that they didn’t need me because for them to agree with me then
the same answers to the same questions must be in them too. They just needed to hear it. I admit
now that maybe I just needed to hear it coming back to me instead of just from me. Would that
have made that much of a difference to be able to agree with positivity than only being in control of
it? No, it wouldn’t have, if you didn’t know you could control it, could give it, and receive it at any
time from yourself. You have to know that or your answer would be wrong every time, unless you
get it from somewhere that understands that until you both apply it. Don’t make anyone your happy
pill, not even for once.

It was pretty deep, and I was missing every word of it as it was flowing out of my mouth. Well,
almost every word. I remembered the playback version to myself, thank God. Those playback
mental recordings of the last 31 years was all I felt I had while bedridden for six of them, alone,
through hurricanes, floods, blackouts, epidemics and now pandemics. I had my thoughts, I had my
heart, and while figuratively running from situations, and people that didn’t realize that, I was
beginning to care about them both, and I was stopping to take another look at myself.

73
 It’s Time For You to GO.!

Yes, I had to go. I was accepting that, I wasn’t ok. I didn’t have it under control, like I thought I did.
I was always only referring to my shown feelings when thinking or talking about being under
control. I never referred to my feelings inside, or my thoughts, or even my physical outward
appearance as being something I even thought to control. Those had either been out of my near
control, to me, for a long time or were too much for me to control all at once so I would ignore the
majority of each.

My focus was on what I showed I cared about. My focus was on who saw what I cared about, and
did not care about. If I didn’t care about something, I wanted to, bleed to, and need to show you. I
needed to know that you knew I didn’t care, if I wanted you to know, and vice versa if I cared about
anything. It never made it to why I cared, why I didn’t care, and why I couldn’t go forward from
either because I thought it took two to understand that. I only saw my side as one side of the story.
What was I going to do with that?

I'm Not Sure

Just rolling with one side, and letting it be what it be, wasn’t working for me. I was beginning to
want the other side of the story, and I knew it was only one place my Granny taught me where the
whole story was. In church.

I didn’t want to go back, and literally couldn’t go back to my old one because I was in bed. Besides I
began to not like some of the things that were being revealed that were happening there concerning
money. Now I’ve found ways to play or at least laugh about a lot of things, but money was never
one of them, ok.

74
Mr Roberts, one of the men I met online, told me about three ministries he would listen to at the
time. At the moment, neither of us knew the other was disabled, and he didn’t know my name was
actually Matthew, and not Keyonna. I spoke about God a lot to people when helping them or
attempting to help them understand who to go to, and not think they had to lend on me for nothing
because I had a good five more minutes to talk, before I had to go to the next one. So it was a lot of
rushed, impactful, meaningful, qualifying in one way or another, conversations. However, Mr.
Roberts hitting me with something he said that I for once agreed on about God stopped me in my
tracks. The call sheet schedule for the rest of the day was once again free like with Jermaine.

He told me of three online churches. It was a ministry called Kevin LA Ewing that was filled with
just the Word of God that I absolutely loved, and agreed with. Then it was another he mentioned
called Apostle Sharon Hamilton that I fell head over heals for because it was all about the Word of
God, and filled with excitement, and singing which was what I was more used to. Then He also
mentioned the third one that was on a conference call over the phone called Anointed Hands
something with Pastor Robert Anioche who I also loved.

They all had their own style, and ways of delivering their message, and their way of interpreting what
they “learned” from the Holy Bible, right? I was all for it; always used to hearing different preachers,
teachers, strangers sharing what they had to share in the way they shared it. I never thought about
the actual way. I thought how it came out was how it came out. So I went into all three only looking
for one thing, and that's the Word of God coming out. For me, at the time, it didn’t matter how it
came out, whether you were short, tall, black white, purple skinny fat or headless like that chicken
named Mike from a long time ago on that farm that tried to kill it to eat, but missed the wind pipe or
something so the chicken lived headless. My point is, it did not matter to me, at that time, about
anything else as long as you were giving me the Word of God. Tight right?

So I was having a great time at each of them. I would literally tune in to watch Minister Kevin break
it down-down, and up again, then I would visit for a second Apostle Sharron that at the time only
had recordings or music with her picture. She reminded me so much of my granny til I instantly fell
in love with her, right? But, I was still longing for a family I could call my own so the first place I
settled was on the Anointed Hands prayer line conference call. I loved the singing, prayer, and the

75
interaction that I was able to do with a small intimate group. It wasn’t a lot of singing but it was
enough for me because I came to hear the Word of God anyway, right?

Be warned, I was green to everything else besides the Word of God when it came down to what was
acceptable in any church setting. So again, I only came to sing along, and listen. They of course
encouraged everyone to talk, and interact, and if having any prayer requests to share them. I really
missed my little cousins, and feared they were going to grow up just like their parents, so I got the
courage to ask for prayer for them. I didn’t rush to ask for any myself because the man Mr. Roberts
had tried to kinda warn me that if there were any secrets I wanted to keep hidden then they were
going to bring them out. He was convinced that they could see stuff about you over the phone.

I didn’t put any thought to it because never had I ever heard such a thing. So I took it as a way that
he was trying to make me not be nervous about speaking because he said that the one on the phone,
and Momma Sharon, which I ended up calling her, would call you out if they saw, or heard anything
about you. I wasn’t scared to be called out in church, or anywhere else, I thought, especially about
prayer, right?

That was something I saw as good, so ok, bring on all you got. Whatever you saw, I'm down to
know. So it was a longing from that point on to know if they saw me without me telling them
anything. Each night, after the prayer line, I would tell Mr. Roberts that Pastor Roberts didn’t call
me out to speak. I told him this time I even unmuted my phone to sing, and laugh. He told me it
was ok, and told me if I wanted to speak, just speak. I was determined to speak, and I didn’t want to
speak. The next time a prayer request was called I was going to say something, I said, and I did. The
man, and the members were calling me ma’am. I was like what in the world. Here I am pouring my
heart out about my concerns about my little cousins that were being kept from me, and they hit me
with ma’am, and sister. I was almost waiting to hear Mother Teresa.

I paid it no mind because that had happened all my life so I was like ok the Pastor surely can afford
one mistake, right?. I wasn’t going to embarrass him or anyone else that had already agreed with him
by correcting them. I was also still holding on to him telling me something, anything.

76
He had helpers with him that were in line to become Pastors by him. I fell in love with him, and
how he taught as if he cared, but not so much with one of his helpers. He had a female helper that
was spot on with her message about Joseph til I was there ok. I was Joseph after that message. She
was so good, and moving, full of passion.

However, it was a guy helper that mentioned something about money to the group. Now granted, I
didn’t know how important he was, and I really didn’t know he was in line to become someone
more important, but what I also did not know was how when he said what he said I was about to
speak. I had no clue. I was caught, and the only thing I had on my mind while he was talking about
money was that I wanted to help correct his mistake because I wanted the people to get a better
understanding than what he was giving.

This man said, in a complete blanket general statement that, “You need to pay your tithe where you
eat at”. Eat as in being given the Word of God, and Tithe as in Money, for any that do not know.
Stay with me.

At the time, I was supposedly eating three places, so I figured I wanted my tithe to go towards what
Kevin was doing because he didn’t want it. I think once Kevin even said the same thing, but he
referenced that as a way to tell people to go choose another place to give as they saw fit, and not be
bound to thinking they had to give to him, right?

However, this other man that was on the prayer line said it in a seemingly dark surrounding his way
of guilt pushing to the people towards the end of the call, to give into the prayer line. It’s so
interesting sharing this because it was moments that something so obvious just took over me, versus
other moments, versus other times. I jumped like Granny used to jump in her chair, and I spoke
against him in front of all saying, “no no no, you can put your money where ever you choose to, and
if anyone after that does anything with that aside from what you thought they would then that’s on
them, not you because as long as you gave then you straight”.

He got silent, and that kinda snapped me out of whatever had taken me over because I realized
Pastor Anioche was silent too, and I was like omg, my mouth. I wasn’t embarrassed because I meant
what I said based on my understanding of what I was saying at the time, but I did not want to

77
ratchet or anything in front of Pastor Anioche because I loved him. In a way I had already seen him
as a father figure because he was a lot older, small, and nice . He was like the father I never thought
I had in a way.

Rather, he had some brothers around him that I was like, “mmmmm mmm”, to. Without me even
knowing I was like that to them, until that very point. I thought we were all settled together as much
as could be on a prayer line, and going the same direction, right?

So I sat back as if I could just disappear into my bedridden wall with the silence that was just like
when I would speak in the car asking why as a child, and afterwards hearing they didn’t know. The
silence would make me feel small. Not in a flight type of way, but in a I sure hope what they say next
don’t make me fight type of way because I sure loved me some of them. I had to love them for me
to even share anything about my way of seeing anything. A few times people were breaking the
silence agreeing with me saying things like, “that's right” but it was Pastor Robert authoritative
response to gain back control, and attention that was interesting to me.

He did it so smoove now that I think about it. He came back, and agreed with everyone without
disagreeing with anyone. He said how the title was initially taken to give to the people who shared
the Word of God because that was their work pay, and that it was no ones business to what it went
towards after given because the title was then the man of Gods on, and that God required then for
the man of God to give His tenth out of that. I think he said that his tenth would go back into the
church.

That was interesting to me because I had never heard that, but here is where his expertise came in
that the younger, but still a lot older than me, guy didn’t have. He said, “That’s why I don’t do that,
and I work so that everything is separate”. He knew every call the people would celebrate how he
would work all day coming home, and not eat, so he said, in order to get on the prayerline. People
that stayed at his home, during annual events, witnessed it, so, that part seemed to be credible, yet, it
still didn’t mention anything about what God actually said. I didn’t notice till that point that I was
listening to a lot of stories about stories, and not stories from the Holy Bible.

78
Like churches I was used to going to before, and watching on tv, it would start with a verse, maybe
two depending on the crowd, then always ALWAYS led into a personal story. Then in the middle
give one more Bible verse to validate the story as being as true as the Word of God.

You would be completely mesmerized by the story till you didn’t remember what verse it was even
referencing. That’s why when you come out, and someone asks you what the pastor preached about
today, you draw a blank like a deer in headlights because it was not designed to teach you, but
motivate you like Motivational speaking. That’s why a lot of the leaders have openly admitted to
having to give themselves affirmations all day, and night, and putting it all on the waste of space
walls in order to remember. They can't even believe what they are saying if they have to keep
repeating it for themselves in order to go. Child!

79
 Here We Go Again

I used to write my Art history papers like that. I did not care what any dead for centuries Artist or
Writer of a newspaper article could have been thinking when they created it. I would start with
repeating what the Content Creator said, and then I would hit my instructors with, maybe he meant
this or maybe he meant that but in my opinion he should have focused on blah blah blah. I would
then go into a whole comical story about whatever I wanted to write about enough to get the length
I needed to have, and in order to show I knew enough of the concept of where they were trying to
take me in the art work, but did not want to go. I would always hit that U-Turn in my papers,
always. Then I would close with you see, that’s why I believe he could have meant something
entirely different than what meets the modern day writers pen, the end.

While I’m thinking about that now, that's the sales game. As I mentioned earlier, it wasn’t til
recently, I learned a lot about the art of entrepreneurship, and that’s literally, in a nutshell, it. Before,
I was just like, “You want this service, come get this service. Sit down in my salon chair for this
service, and bye till your next servicing”.

However, in the sales game, you start by telling people what you know they came to hear by
promising them they will get room to hear that . Then you jump immediately into a story so they can
feel you being relatable, open, and credible to then jump into the content of what you came to learn.
In this instinct, that's still not the Word of God, but their supposed lessons they learned in their
stories. It could literally be them, about how they learned to stop by looking at a stop sign in the face
saying stop. They could say they knew that was God telling them to stop, and this part is called the
content in sells, and it's where you get the sell. That’s why people become so emotionally hype, and
frikin out at this point because to them they already subconsciously got what they wanted from a
person that they could relate to from the story told, and the content.

Then the next important part is to lower your voice, and remind them why they came, and where
they came from. You tell them you don’t have to leave here the same, and this part is called the
transition where the good ones will drive this point home to close the deal by taking you to one

80
more scripture to agree that, “Will a man rob God'', and start to greet your conscious mind with the
no brainer decision to say you will do it to whatever. Whatever, after this point, the sales process is
designed to already have a yes in your mind, but the last tip of the iceberg that will sink you every
time for believing in the wrong ONE is the section called the Pitch. The pitch is known to be what
pulls the yes out.

We all recognize the Pitch because in every commercial it's the “But Wait There's More”. Promising
more beyond what you got in the content section, and in the whole journey of the 5 steps to sales. If
you needed reminding the Five Steps of Sales are Introduction to state the obvious of why they are
there, Story to be relatable like Robin who couldn’t do it on his own. Content that represents
Batman that gets the job done to what's in the introduction. Transition to remind you that you can’t
make it without Batman, and like Robin you need him. Finally, Pitch, the extra incentives to get you
to admit that shit out loud.

Now in the game of seeing customers, it's a beautiful journey that would make anyone, that should
be motivated, in the things they showed interest in, in order for them to make it to the introduction
in the first place. Why, because it’s plenty of opportunities that pass us by daily for many different
things, and we care not to know which in hell or heaven is the end or top of it to introduce
ourselves to because that topic does not interest us. ALso there are those opportunities that for
whatever reason we are attracted to knowing more about because we may think they’re worth it to
know, yet, we go in knowing it's not worth it for us to do. SO at those times a journey of motivation
is perfect for those that need help to do what they showed they wanted to do by even opting in. Like
showing interest in learning about starting a business or in personal development. That is why
annual personal development for organizations where they hire the expertise are so moving. It helps
get you going with doing what you said you wanted to do.

However, not in church because one thing My God never has to do is sell you on a GOD
DAMNED THANG! He definitely doesn't have to hype you up about giving money before you
leave as if that’s what you said you came to do in this world, and nothing else in it, including HIm.
He doesn't need or want your money. He allowed it, and you to be here for you to use if you want
to, just like He allowed an apple to be here for you to eat if you want to.

81
Please believe all crooked sales people know that, and take advantage of that. They will promise you
the sun, the moon, and the stars to come to you later if you just pay that now. Sounds like the credit
game, buy now and pay later. It doesn't matter if they are trying to sell you on a used car lot or
behind that pulpit in church or at the elections because a sell is a sell is a sell. It’s up to you to know
that for yourself.

Now What.?
Now, it’s some amazing sales people that give great value in business, but they still have to rely on
that same journey. I learned that from a great salesman named Anik Singal. Love himm because he
says what he does, and does what he says in order for you to repeat, and do the same if you like. He
is a beautiful God fearing man of God that uses what he teaches, and nothing else.

However, that prayer line, like so many churches, do not use what they teach. They teach you to
have faith, pay, and God will provide while they look for you to provide. Moments of depression,
and desperation force them to show their cards like that man did even mentioning that B>S. Talking
about where you eat, and telling stories bout how they saw a rainbow thah othah day and too many
stomes! Chilllddd!

I said I might as well still be in the streets lying to myself if I'm going to be up in here giving all my
money away to a man that’s lying to me. At least in the streets I could get the money from men, ok?
No kay because that wasn’t going to help me deal with myself; which is why I went to the first God
forsaken place.

I went, and looked up the Word of God for myself because I needed to know beyond what they
both said, and what I said. I remembered something about the swine, and pearls, and not to cast
them. I was gearing up to talk plenty shit to whatever seen, and not seen that wanted to tell me I had
to give anything to anywhere saying I ate there. What I found was a simple passage, and a dream that
mentioned not to cast my pearls to the swine for they would trample them, and turn to rend me.

82
However, still in love with Pastor Robert I took the next time to do a public apology to the man for
speaking out against him. For my admiration for the Pastor, I myself twisted my understanding
about what that passage ment so that I saw myself as wrong, and the guy as right when in fact we
were both wrong.

We both had to have understanding in order to be right on any level, and we didn’t, while staying
only on the surface to satisfy, and verify our own selfish needs. That’s why I was in the crowd, and
not in line to be ordained in a few weeks like him. I was under the wrong leadership because he
should have been in the crowd, and not telling nobody nothing.

I showed my ignorant hand also, and I knew I wanted to apologize to all. Plus, I selfishly wanted to
use that apology to get all the attention to share my dream I had. It was a dream about something
being revealed to me. I had no clue of what it meant or perhaps I was running from my own
understanding of what it meant. Nevertheless, I wanted the Pastor to share with me what he
thought. Someone that was acting like he was in that world of even being able to speak about it. My
family acted like they all were MOther Teresa’s Mother trapped in time, and space, so they always
made yesterday replies like they didn’t know anything about any religion going on today. They knew
how to look, and sound dumb as hell to me gossiping, and telling each others business after acting
like they werent going to tell any body else.

So after the apology, I asked the Pastor, but they guy asked to pray for me. He basically tried to bind
all dreams from me, and called them wicked. I was listening, and cancelling what he was saying,
because I knew then that my apology was for me to forgive, and move on, and that it did nothing to
heal how dumb as hell he sounded to me too. I left there having had my fill, and not looking back to
the craziness. I had my own issues to figure out. I was glad, that one, was figured out rather quickly,
and didn’t cost me a dime.

But, Where?.
I still had two other choices so I wasn’t worried about anything. I loved watching, and learning from
Kevin because he was more like a brother that just wanted to point, and walk. I liked that. I was

83
used to pointing but not walking. Trying to change that I prepared myself to walk physically, and
spiritually.

I was in a much better place mentally concerning what was happening around me. Yes, I was still
being talked about, called disgusting at how I had to survive, and maintain myself while being
ignored for months, but I was beginning to be ok. Not with their behavior, but with my responses. I
didn’t feel like cursing anyone out that treated me like a zoo animal that they clearly just looked at
me for any other reasons rather than my benefit.

I was convinced their purpose for those random pop up moments, that it was obvious that they
came with me on their agenda, was to see if I was still able to smile. Hell yeah! I couldn’t help that
nah. No matter how dark it got I was used to it being peeks of tiny up moments even at the lowest,
and I took full advantage of them with a good ole laugh at how low low can be.

So, I was never laughing at anyone, but laughing at my perspective of what was happening
concerning them in relation to me. I figured them doing that was just their way of getting whatever
they didn’t have for themselves because just like I would hear my name on, “Nothing Eternal
Radio”, I would hear all their struggles through the wall being discussed as well. I was like, “I don’t
know why them chun just won’t come sit on my couch, and let me heal their dumb asses, and love
on them”, and help them through whatever was causing their pain, and we could heal together.

That was still my fix to mine’s, and everyone's problem. Still not willing to do the soul searching for
myself. Clearly they weren’t either because it was something still eating away at them. I x-rayed them
everytime I would hear them, and saw that they were not happy as they were putting on either. They
were lonely not having someone to blame for their failures, and to poke fun about.

I couldn’t go backwards with that gaga though, I was going forward. I had two more ministry videos
to catch up on as I prepared to walk. So again all reunited reunions would have had to wait. Momma
Sharon was still just posting voice over pictures, and I wasn’t into her prayers but I loved the songs,
and how serious she looked in the picture, like my Granny. So For the time being I focused on
catching up with Kevin Videos.

84
It spoke about the importance of dreams, and how often it was mentioned in the Word of God. The
best part again was that it wasn’t his story or life lessons he picked up on along the way like from
watching the Street light turn from red to green while others were being told to slow down, and wait
their turn because it was his season to go forward every time. I am not saying God doesn't reveal
things you need in that way at times because He does all the time when you seek for that from Him,
but that's personal. Those moments are so plenteous, til they are impossible to write down just to
tell others without missing the point, and letting it take you to the next point.

Kevin was not using those moments or making up those moments to use to sell you anything. I
could tell He was just having fun talking about the Word of God as normal as any other normal
conversation. So I was listening, feeling good on a positive note, and sharing what I was learning
with Mr. Roberts. He thought it was funny how I handled anointed hands, but I was serious. He
would later laugh again at how I handled Momma Sharon.

For now I thought I was praying, and praying for everyone's success, and peace but it was still
something seeming to block me. I was noticing a difference because so much was being revealed to
me, and changing rapidly. I shared my concerns with Mr. Roberts, and surprisingly he opened up to
also share the same feelings. I think he had asked beforehand if I knew about any witchcraft that
existed in my family. I was like I had no clue. My idea of witches was all in my favorite Disney
princess movies. As a matter of fact, I related Casper the Friendly Ghost closer to a witch than I did
anything else because that was the first image I would get whenever, and every time I heard the
term. Before, he left it alone by just giving me those three powerful ministry examples to go watch.
Neither of us knew what we were about to stumble on.

85
 One Simple Prayer

Is all it took, and my eyes were seeing things I still won't dare to act like I can comprehend.
However, I’ll tell you what I witnessed, and what the prayer request was that I did not have to
submit to nobody. I saw the walking dead, and I asked God to reveal. Things started opening up,
and pages in my history were being revisited. Passed relatives dying before I was born that I was
raised being told was my grandfather turned out not to be related to me at all.

I even stumbled across his picture to get confirmation from strangers with my last name all over the
world, right from bed. I had to get confirmation from strangers, and the whole story from being able
to search last names before I took anything to my aunts because unless you had evidence they were
going to send you around ten buck two, and jack burned down barned with nothing leading you.

It was all starting to make sense.

After bringing it up, that's when they said, “OOOh yeahhh that wasn't your grandaddy. Your
grandaddy wasn’t a McIntear, Thats Floretta, and Raine them daddy. We never met your momma’s
daddy”. I said, “WHAT!” I was so fascinated to hear this new important information, I kept
revealing all I had found out from the McIntears in Florida, South Carolina, and Germany who
knew all of them except my mom, and I.

Only when I kept digging deeper is when she said, “We saw your grandaddy one time come outside,
and never saw him again”. And there it was, fresh out of the radio's mouth. She said it was a man
that my grandmother had already gotten with after divorcing the man they were having me believe
was my grandfather, and my mother’s dad. I knew I was in a Cinderella black ass story. I just knew
it. I felt how rude they treated me, and annoyed at how they treated my mom as if she annoyed
them.

It made a huge difference for me, even though when I took it to my aunt Floretta, she wanted to
comfort me by saying it made no difference. I tried to explain to her that I was a black man, and it

86
made all the difference in the world to know of the men I came from, if I could. It was just as
important for a woman to know the line of women. The only way it didn't matter was if there was
no way to find out, and even then it still would have mattered enough not to lie to me that I was
from a line of people that I wasn't from.

I was like what else is being hidden. Was I even related at all? Or was my grandmother my actual
great grandfather's first daughter before marrying my Granny who I knew as my great grandmother.

I always thought it was strange, and the people at school did also, for me to know, and have had so
much time with my great grandmother but knew nothing about my grandmother other than she
passed having my mom. That was the story I got so I went with that but bits, and pieces were being
slipped here, and there over the years.

I needed to know more about whatever I could know concerning these two mystery men. They only
had information on their own dad, the one I thought was my grandad. It was still important to me to
know because I told her that she has to start looking at the patterns that have been happening to her
nephews, and be concerned about her own grandsons, my cousins. I asked her how he passed. She
said, “His name came back as having been murdered by his new woman after leaving my
grandmother”. I asked why, and she explained that she was a little girl, but being the oldest of the
three girls she remembered that the new woman wanted all of his children's information, and birth
certificates from his previous marriage for witchcraft. He wouldn’t give them to her, and she killed
him.

I was like whhhatttt, and you think that’s not important for a man to know? I promptly reminded
her of the situations her nephews, and her oldest grandson had already been in concerning women
that showed signs of wanting to cause bodily harm on them. She said boldly that whatever the young
lady would have done to her grandson she would have wished she hadn’t. I was like omg, that’s it? A
half threat over the phone with me after the fact, and from already being forgotten.? She even said
that as if she never knew that even happened. Maybe it was hidden from her.

This family has the, “I’m comfortable, I'm untouchable”attitude. Was I that bad? Or was I noticing
that’s what it was so I was trying to counter that by wanting to be bad enough? I don’t know what

87
was going on, but some hidden secrets, dark secrets were being revealed in my physical, and in my
dreams. She went on to say the last she heard of my grandfather he was still living somewhere close,
and that she bet that my mom knew who he was.

I had heard enough. Back to the drawing board of my dreams.

Mr. Robert said, “Don’t be scared now.” I wasn’t scared, I was terrified. Not because of the prayer,
but because of what else could be revealed that I wasn’t seeing or that I wasn’t expecting. Oh we are
going there today is what I felt in myself. I had to know, and I had to know from my own eyes.
From my own senses. Was this the other part of the puzzle I needed for me, and my family? Still so
gullible, as a forgiving child, I figured if I learned anything I never heard my family speak about then
I could share, and then it may be the answer they needed too. Right? RIGHT?!

If I present it in the best, and clearest way, I could use the least amount of words to not make them
regret peeking in on me for their yearly or quarterly fix on seeing me in the same position after they
had been around the world multiple times, and back. They used to call it, “Needing to look into my
eyes”.

I did not want anything, that, I should have probably kept to myself, to run them off another
decade. So I figured, if I saw anything, I would plan to tell them very strategically, and hopefully they
would understand enough to go look into it themselves for themselves. I was not worried about
myself. I jumped off that last twist, and turned knowing that if it’s meant to reveal where my true
family is then it would be. Not once thinking about what I shared would offend them when it's right
there in black, and white of the Holy Bible. It was in areas we skimmed over in our old church, and
areas we never went to. Something was there, and I was planning on being the one to find it with
the help of my dreams, and prayer. Until…

WHAT!? No

88
“Knock knock knock”. Me waking up saying, “it's open ''. My mom burst into the room spinning in
circles similar to when she fell into the room announcing her sister Lorraine was gone a decade
before, but now she was saying, “Rodney is gone, he was found dead this morning”. SCReams
poured in my room from my aunt's room, and my cousin that came with the news early one
morning. As I repeated no, no way the morning looked like any other morning, yet, it was not. It will
never be just any other morning. That was one morning unlike any other time to me still to this day.
Rodney was the Judge, the Jury, and the plaintiff in my day of court. He could not have been gone.
How, Why?

He was the one I was supposed to amend things with because he was the one who called me the
Golden Child. I did not understand how he was gone because I prayed for him. I screamed in the
highest volume of my voice that it could go; his name, and everyone's name. I cried for him. I cried
for all as I prayed victory over their enemies that could not have them so much so til my family
laughed at me through the walls. So what do you mean He Is Gone?

I mean I saw dreams that I didn't quite understand even though they were very detailed, and self
explanatory. But, I prayed against those, and I prayed for him as if I did not know him personally,
and as if he was me. Kevin taught how to cancel all negative dreams, and come into agreement that
God will be done. And I did, but I prayed...for...him. It was so eerily confusing to me to see, pray
repeatedly against it, and it happened. What was shocking to me is when Mr. Roberts told me not to
be scared now he also told me not to be crying when it happens. I told him no way would I cry
because that's not going to happen.

I had prayed against so many things that I sensed from dreams I recorded that later happened, and it
stopped. Like one of my baby cousins running away. The night before I saw her dad in the dream
saying no one jumps to conclusions. I was crying in bed the next day when no one could find her
because I had jumped to conclusions. My family acts so, “I told you so”, til even when it’s time to
put in true care action, they still act like nothing is happening. Him, her dad, I prayed against
something that wanted to take him, and he walked away from a car wreck with just a hurt arm out of
place. My mom's car breaking down, houses burning down, so much.

89
A week or so before that, I was ministering to someone on the phone about my opinion about the
brain, and it’s signals, and the communication it sends to each single cell, and how it's said to
regenerate itself completely between seven, and ten years. I was sharing how fascinating it must be
to finally realize just how much God is in control of even the tiniest little cell, and He alone dictates
which ones to go, and which to come again, and again.

I wanted to relay to the person, Yandell, how peaceful that must be to rest on that it's not us, ever. I
came up with a message, and I shared it with an image of a xray brain showing the lights, and signals
that the image could pick up. I shared that with everyone I could on my phone including my cousins
that numbers I had. I don't normally do that under just any circumstances. It had to be a big
revelation for myself that happened to help me with whatever I was pondering on, and when that
happened I was like who am I not to share with all if I am going to share with one. During the time
I was also now sharing it on Facebook.

I was already having thoughts about those revealing dreams that I asked for, and then didn't believe
I prayed right so I asked to be realistically revealed again, that I knew was going to come through a
dream. I did that three times telling Mr. Roberts that I didn't think I was asking right or seeing
clearly even though each time it was different, varying things of the same situations dealing with the
loss of something with a lot of different people. I just recorded it all. Date, Day, Time, Dream all
recorded by voice, and never erased.

SO I wasn’t really focused in one anything happening to just one or anyone. I did not believe it, and
Mr. Roberts asked me what I was finding hard to believe. I couldn’t believe any of it. The things I
had seen before were nothing compared to that, and I was going crazy just thinking about it, but I
kept praying. I wanted to know that true sign. I didn’t know what I was looking for to be true, but I
knew I didn’t like the weirdness I was seeing.

I remember not wanting to go to sleep because it felt like torment, and I wasn’t getting much sleep. I
was at an hole in the road, where their lives were staking higher in my way, and I asked for it. I told
Mr. Roberts that one night I was so scared I asked God to please let me just get one night of sleep
with no frustrating nightmarish dreams, and to my surprise I slept like a baby. I slept so well I told
Mr. Roberts what God had done, completely forgetting, and not recognizing that He probably only

90
answered that not to give me a break, but to prove to me that He was indeed answering my prayers.
Either way, I was like omg that all was in my head. I convinced myself that it was only in my head,
and that prayer, plus pondering what science says is in our heads, is what led me to the brain
message I shared with people.

However, the next day as I was preparing to inhale another day of bible story movies that were free
to watch on Youtube, Joshua and the battle of Jericho one of my favorites, I heard something fall.
SOmething had fallen. It was light so I just knew it couldn’t have been a person so I paused my
movie just for a second to listen. I was listening for a moment. Everyone was. That’s how we all did
when we heard any noise. It could be a knock at the door, and we would mute everything to listen
for movement to see who was going to volunteer to get up to answer it. I would have loved to
answer it each, and every time.

I knew everyone was in their rooms, but I knew my uncle was across the hall in the shower. When I
didn’t hear any movement or talking, I think I called Ginia, my aunt the radio, and she heard it too,
but thought it was me dropping something light. It was my uncle in the bathroom on the floor
motionless, and his eyes were wide open looking, but he could not move, and he could not make
one sound. My movie was over at that point, and I never went back to that movie still to this day
because I got up to pray saying I knew it. I kept saying I knew it.

I prayed for my uncle because I knew he had fallen for a trap that was set the day before in that
bathroom. It was so strange because Rodney visited the day before out of the blue with no
announcement, and he stayed in that bathroom with many moments going by. It was strange, but I
was praying. Praying for him, and against the enemy because I knew I wrestled not against flesh, and
blood. I knew that trap was being set for my mom, and would settle for my aunt. They were the
closest to caretakers for me, and not my uncle. My uncle never even came to this side of the house
to use this bath because he would have to pass two in order to get to the one closest to me.

I had to pay attention now, and pray because I felt so sorry for him being a edler man already going
through a lot physically, really holding on, and being the one that fell into that trap. They said the
doctors said he had a stroke dealing with the brain, but I knew different. I knew it was different
because I saw the shift of focus coming. If it couldn’t be me, it had to be who seemed to be keeping

91
detriment, and destruction from me. That’s why it's not good to guess because you just don’t know
who is being watched over by what?

Attention Gotten.

Something was trying to rob me of any joy, and any future joy, and my illness wasn’t doing it fast
enough to satisfy it. I was so confident that I was doing the right thing because I was acknowledging
that I was the one that had to stay positive, and forgive in order to be forgiven, and for my prayers
for myself, and others to be answered. I was so confident that nothing was over my head holding
me back from loving, and forgiving til I completely forgot about all dreams, especially those with
him because there were so many about others. After praying for my uncle's recovery, and hearing
that he was pulling through after his surgery, I just knew I had made it, and it was positive days all
the way til my cousin, and I could laugh about secret things we both were introduced to in this
world, but how Good God was to us getting us out.

It was going to be a new day where him, and I were finally being introduced. Me being finally
introduced to him as me being not so tough but that I had to put on being because of him. With
him introducing himself to me as not being so innocent as he made the rest of the family believe
because of me. I had already forgiven him truly, and I just knew we had a lot of the same issues, and
if we could just once get them out somehow I was going to make us laugh about how silly it was to
let the enemy deceive us both for so long.

We both were powerhouses in our own right. With his brains, and my bravery we could have
ushered in a new era on our own. Friends who?

So I was finally fully armed, and prepared that whatever happened seen or unseen I was going to
love him through it like no time before. It did not matter to me how dark it got. I was convinced
that him, and I were going to come to an understanding. Somehow in a way, after hearing how he
left this world alone with a 101 temperature I knew that we did. As soon as I overheard 101 I knew
that He wasn’t alone. He too was given the chance to forgive, and he took it.

92
That was a smart man.

He was in his head, and his feelings like me that I grew to learn from him. The family never knew
how big the war was between us because I wouldn’t tell them. They were already believing his side
so much till they were ready to fight me on hearsay from an early age. He had to be able to tell a
really good side of his story. I would have loved to hear all of it from him in a personal setting so we
didn’t have to act like we couldn’t hurt a fly. I would have learned so much that I didn’t know about
him, and those friends he kept around that I still think knew something. The point is everyone knew
something, and no one spoke up.

However he forgave me, and he forgave his friends, and family, and he forgave himself most
importantly. I believe that. I believed that as soon as I heard 101 body temperature. He knew
something was different for a while, and like me, he was nervous about the change. Nervous about
what could be revealed. Could it have been only me against me only the whole time? Yes. We were
fighting against our own growth the whole entire time. Right to the end. I have stopped or else it
would have been me. Thanks to Kevin teaching, I was in the giving space letting go of all the past,
of all the here, and of all the disappointment of all the lies. I knew at that point that everything that
we thought was Real did not mean it was True.

I loved Rodney, and that's the truth. I did not like Rodney, and that is also the truth, and real
because I chose to show that instead of love all the years before. Even my aunt, the radio, said she
knew something was about to happen. She said she had a dream where there was feces everywhere
all on the walls, and it was thrown everywhere. That was the s*** she saw but didn't clean up.
Perhaps she didn't want to confront it. Perhaps she didn't want to be the one that dealt with it. Or
maybe she didn't want to make it worse, but one thing is for sure she saw it, and she chose not to
address it. So we all will have to give an account for what we see as real, but don't find out the truth
about it.

93
 No Place To Be

No More to give, no more attached. I went back to the world dragging my feet. While my first wow
on my path, I broke my fast diving right back into the world. I stop listening to Kevin while trying
to wrap my head around having my own judgment day, a spad Holiday Inn card of a day in court. I
could close my ears, but I could not close my eyes because I had seen too much. I Knew Too Much
or at least how much of what I did, I did not want to know.

I could not deny the truth what’s Patron. Even though everything was happening so fast, stuff, and
such a fellow still played the fan like a real dream that's not true. As if what other people are telling
you that's happening, that you can't see for yourself, isn’t true. Maybe they just exaggerated all I
dreamed of myself. Maybe I just dreamed it, and this is all just in my head. Maybe this is all just a
dream that everyone is a part of. And maybe everyone that's in my dream is somehow a part of me.

Could it be that everyone I ever met, ever saw, was actually me in a different angle of shared
situations, and was just an independent layer with one character reenacting life as we knew it? Like,
we sensed everyone's layer, but we didn't know exactly what they were going towards or coming
from? Or maybe I think I'm awake is the real dream, and everything I see while dreaming is true life.
Who knows exactly? Or could it be whatever you choose? Whatever you choose seems to be the
best option out of what seems like unlimited options to us that we could choose to believe.

However, whatever we choose seems like it couldn't be really chosen alone because it would have to
be partnered with a choice, right? Could we choose to choose without ever choosing, and that be
our chosen choice? Yes, because that’s our choice to choose.

I had chosen not to choose so long til I accepted whatever default choice that I appeared to fall
under because I hadn't made a choice. Now here comes, as soon as I choose to be positive, I am too
late again. Life had out smart or out lived me, yet again. I was done choosing not to choose so i
couldn't go back. So I chose to not choose going forward, and I drugged myself back in the world of
men. It seemed like the only thing so far that I never got wrong or seemed to mess up or was too
late for.

94
One thing for sure is you can't control if people are thinking about you just because you are thinking
about them….

I said once before that it seemed like you could just open your door, and it was drama there looking
for you so you wouldn't have to look for it. I felt the same way about men, that needed help in some
way. And I was good at it too, but nothing was the same. I was at the bottom of the hill, and all the
dirt, and acclimatization behind me was slowly piling over me one last time as I asked God why.

95
 This Is So Beautiful I almost Literally Can’t

He allowed me to run into a message by Joshua Selman about Manipulation. I knew what it was, like
with everyone, I knew it meant to lie. But when I heard the word witchcraft, I knew what I had to
do. I knew then who I truly was. A witch. I kept pointing at me saying ME? Reaping what I sowed
as all the things I ever did playback at me as if it was one scene saying yes you.

The voice playing in my head in the midst of all the chaos of the thought of me being the witch that
needed to die was so calm. It simply said, “Yes, YOU”! That took me, and I pray for anyone who is
in that position to understand that took me. If you don’t know, then rethink, look again because you
should know. It shouldn’t be you don’t know.

I did not imagine myself like that at all even though I absolutely loved the concept of it on tv. I
mean, what's not to love about three women in a home raising their children with love, and respect,
and able to see their dead relatives at any time or reason, ready to fight off every evil intruder to
uphold a popular family name, and royal bloodline image of being the Charmed ones. What was not
to love? Omg it was sales.

These people were kicking butt, and looking good doing it. Controlling their own outcomes with
wielding powers, and kickboxing. It was the best thing ever. Ok, I probably was a little too into it,
but who wouldn’t be. It was a really good show. With loveable relatable characters... that I see now
was all part of the same sales formula to get you to believe that no matter, what you could do the
same. Wow! Even if that meant twisting reality or freezing in time or over analyzing what you saw,
but reading something else into it. Not to blame any show because I was definitely a pro at all of
that long before that came on.

I just had no clue that's what I was doing. I thought I was just living my best life going for what I
knew I wanted. I would look at what I wanted, and the different roads to get there, and I picked
which ones I wanted to jump on, never staying on one truly. If that meant I had to twist the roads or
bend the rules to certain roads I did until I saw an opening to jump on another that was more

96
promising but less ruly. But they all had their own laws, and foundational rules. I didn't want to stick
to any of them.

I wanted what I wanted, and I was willing to break rules, and toss them out my mind fast enough to
not feel guilty because I was, to me, headed to what I wanted, and to me, that's what mattered. It
would have worked great, but if it was meant to be that way it would have been a road just like the
one I was attempting to create. Manipulation. Thinking I’m manipulating time, and all that’s in it
including myself, thinking surely if I give my all, however long I am on each road, that would count
for something leading up to that point I just jumped on.

You can’t manipulate time while being in time, that’s foolish. Well, it doesn't account for anything
with any road leading to any point, and as a matter of fact it also erases all progress on each road
every time you jump. Each jump was into a whole new world. I was jumping, and taking feelings
with me. In a whole new time, and place, and I was always stuck in a world that didn’t exist or no
longer existed because I left when it got hard. I was out!

And Out Of Time

The next day I gave myself all day to cry because I knew I was about to die. I watched reveal videos
all day about people receiving the color glasses from their loved ones because they were color blind.
No more running from it. I didn’t plan to cry all day. I only cry when it's something really beautiful.

So when I saw their reaction videos of them seeing what was color to them for the first time, as they
cried I cried. Maybe I had to use it as a way a few times to let some of the air out of me, and I used
that as a pin. I knew I had to die, and I just wanted to know what my life was going to look like in a
world where I could no longer escape what was hurting me, not even in my private thoughts.

I chose to do that by first exposing myself to every man. Whether he knew or didn’t know, whether
was ok with it or not; I found that I was talking to a lot of warlocks. A lot. One even asked me to
work for him. I knew that’s what he always wanted from dreams I had about him however, I was
surprised as a lot of the others.

97
Some of the ones I didn’t tell wanted my time more, and the ones I did, and definitely knew for sure
acted like that was new to them. I didn’t care how they acted because it was about me. They were
free to continue to mind their business, but it was letting them know that I was no longer going to
be with them.

All Said And Done

It didn’t matter how many times I came back to life as I knew I had to die. By that time Apsotle
Sharron, and the people where she was, were now doing shows. Live shows, and I ran to it. I needed
a family type support system, and I looked at the way they would love to sing together, that they
were the answers to my prayers. However, after just one night of speaking, giving my testimony, and
them all thinking I was a woman speaking, but this time saying my name is Matthew, and telling
them about me, she started calling me son that night.

She was into even more dream interpretation than Anoiche, but again I didn’t go for that. I went
looking to hear the Word, and get conviction in my heart about that. Again I brushed off their
sessions about dreams like that because I still didn’t know what that was. Yes it seemed like
something, but then at the same time from now being called after service, and hearing gossip it
seems like remembering details people either gossiped about or overshared while telling their own
stories.

I didn’t realize that yet because I remembered I was already head over heals in love with her from
one picture and her voice. She reminded me so much of my Granny, and her authority filled the sky.
I didn’t know at the time that it was a lot of her family or even her mom, and that they had been on
the call for years, and was just recently going live. I didn’t care about any of that. I knew I was sweet,
and respectful, and I just wanted the Word of God, and a place to call family. I felt I had found it.

Singing louder than everyone else I was happy. I was getting the Word of God, and singing, and
being as radical about it as I wanted to be because one of my prayers before that was that I wanted
to not be ashamed to praise God. I needed help with that because I wanted to praise Him for real.

98
Not just to be seen because I didn’t want to be seen. Or heard praising God. NOt even in secret. It
felt weird. It looked weird because I had never done it. But it looked weird to me to always have
seen people do it, and then right on a dime afterwards they would snap out of it as if nothing
happened. You couldn’t tell if they were praising God or just shouting towards the Pastor. As long
as they were looking at that while waving, and getting worked up when seen, that was praise for
them. I wanted to praise him for real in Spirit, and in Truth. I knew that I would know the
difference when I felt it.

I ignored a lot of signs including my own dreams because I wanted her to be the real deal so bad. I
didn’t know what the real deal was, but I was hoping it was her. I was betting on it with everything.
She was my Momma Sharon literally overnight, and her members, for years, would come to me
talking bad feelings about her, and I would stop them, and try to comfort them that she just wants
the best for them, and that here true nature, and personality type was that she just wanted everyone
there with her in one place. I was all for it when she even invited me to move with her out of the
country when covid came.

I made every excuse under the sun for what I wanted. I wanted her. I wanted her to adapt to me,
and together we were going to be two radical powerhouses for God. I even shared with her my
dreams, and I was having them about her prayers not being good for me to pray saying send back to
the sender. I had never heard the term because I understood what it meant. At least I thought I did
until I prayed about it, and was conflicted about it. I think that's also when I started hearing Kevin
say those were not prayers of God.

He admitted at one point he thought they were too, but had since learned differently. I was
convinced that she was exempt from that because she had to be different. She even told me after
sharing my dream that not everyone can or should say that. Only people with true hearts for God's
love should say that. After that she crafted a message of how we were supposed to not have any
hate, and how we even were supposed to love the devil. Yes, even though it says we should love the
one and hate the other, I forgot about that and her message made sense.

99
She had never said anything about some people not being able to say back to the sender until I
mentioned it though. It was strange, but I overlooked it because she wanted me to listen to her
songs all night that she had recorded over the years. I loved them all! I had learned them so quickly,
and was singing them til she said she was scared of me, and begged me a few times not to share her
songs with anyone because she wanted to make an album to sell.

As much as I tried to comfort her that I wasn’t even thinking about that, she eventually stopped
letting me hear them. Which made everyone in the church love me even more because I had cracked
the code to make her stop sitting on the phone falling asleep on the phone with people all night
playing music. The poor people were ready to get off the phone, but were afraid to tell her. I was
only in bed singing my heart out. I had the time to out sit her for sure.

During all that phone time I would share what I was learning, and at the same time be provided to
gossip in disguise of a harmless church bulletin. I needed to know her relationships with all these
people, and I didn’t care. I saw what I wanted, and the strength I felt, and needed for support.

But during one of those topics the issue kept coming up about money saying, “the people don’t give
no offering or come back to give a testimony”. Her saying that is what even made me give my
testimony that first time. She said they would go to big churches, and give the tithe but come to her
for the prayers. I didn’t know why she cared or that she cared that deeply. I thought she was just
stating the obvious until she kept saying it, and I was not helping at all.

I think agreeing from my point of view about the tithe at that time gave her more, and more
confidence to start bringing it up to the church members more, and more. I guess she knew that
people loved me, and if I was standing in agreement with her then everyone would. I had told her
that one thing Matthew didn’t play about was money, and food.

I had thought I made it clear enough repeatedly that it was a good thing people freely gave whatever
they wanted. She made herself look poor, old, and weak when it came to money, but so proud,
boastful, and hungry for more like a lion when it came to everything else, especially God.

100
So, my increasing growingly grew, and grew. I was freely giving, and I didn’t have immediate use for
it in my opinion. Besides I wanted to help her out especially since I was planning on living with her,
and helped looking for houses. I did have dreams that I didn't realize were warning me about her
because when I shared them with her she twisted it or just took what I said, and crossed herself out.

It was a dream of me looking at her through a camera on stage, and she was standing in front of a
red coach patting a little girl down the side on each side. The little girl had a dress so I said she
couldn’t have been checking her pockets.

I left it as if maybe she was about to pray for her healing or something but later I realized it was a lot
more realized in that dream than I knew.

However, I was so hung up on the camera part. I took that as her going to be finally on a bigger
stage with a bigger audience, and I was proud of her. The next night, without my mentioning the
dream on a call with a lot of people, she called my name saying to look up a camera for her. I took
the two together as a sign that I could give her my studio camera kit from school. I had completely
forgotten after 5 years of it being in my closet.

The next dream the camera was out of my hand, and in the hand of a pile of black human figures
that were on their knees with the one on top holding a camera watching me save people from
drowning themselves by suicide. I was like oh hell no, and jumped in to snatch them up, and passed
them to my cousin as I looked for the others because there were two that I saw. When I turned, I
saw the figures in a cheerleading pyramid stance, on their knees holding the camera, and behind
them was the opening of a studio as if I was in a box scene with sunny skies, and a big pool with
beautiful people that some were ready to go too.

When I told her she said that I was going to be saving people in Hollywood. I realized later that she
was Hollywood, and just wanted to be the one filming something to show it was her doing.

101
 One More Time!
One of the last dreams I had of her directly I didn’t get to share with her because she asked me to
start making a special announcement to encourage people to give. A different kind of
announcement that was twisting the old version even more. I told her I will not be able to because I
do not play with people's money.

She said she heard from God to tell everyone to pledge a certain amount to her. It was at that point
I realized just how afraid of covid she was, and she was trying desperately to escape the country. She
wanted to build a home on land that she said she had in another country. Before she mentioned the
pledge I was so all in it with her to raise the money however. I came from a place where we had
fundraisers all the time, car washes, whatever to raise funds for whatever, and I was excited about
that.

I was even getting others excited too. Until I heard the pledge. Everything came to a sudden halt
because again I was about to speak. I had to prepare myself this time. As I spared at the grow lights
in my closet that was on my test experimental garden, I prayed for help.

I began watching Kevin again that same two day pride, and the message was about tithing, and
giving. It revealed some chilling things that were always right there in black, and white that tithe
went to the fatherless, the widow, the stranger in the gate, and the levite that accepted the calling for
priesthood that was to administer seeing that the right people got it.

There were strict guidelines of who was in the Levitical tribe, and only the Levitcal tribe could have
that right to go through the solemn rituals to then answer that calling, that duty. When Kevin asked
are you a Levit, I knew I had messed up again.

At my lowest I still wasn’t satisfied, and I had to go lower with this wanting what I want as a family
thing. Yet that's not what stood out about that teaching the most. What stood out was during that
live I saw a person in the comment section that was a regular at her church. I was like what the hell
lol. She was in the comments like don’t be fooled Matthew. I did not know what she was on, and

102
because of her screen name I could put my finger directly on which one out of a couple she could
have been. However, I strongly felt that I knew which one she was, and I was like omg.

At once all the gossip the Apostle had said about her came rushing back, and it was no longer just
bulletin board talk. I told her in the comments that I got to say something. I prayed, “Lord if it’s
meant for me to speak then let it be ''. The phone rang, and it was her, and her team arguing about
something again, and she called me to be on her side again. Because I was used to Kevin, everytime
I would calm them down by giving them only the Word of God. Somebody says, “not that night”.

I told her I will not be doing that because people should have free will to give, and not pledge. She
got silent after stuttering. I knew she was doing her dumb ass looking around that she did when
cornered. I knew she was looking for help because everyone got silent, and the girl who thought she
was my equal started talking against me. I just listened.

I was specifically waiting to hear what the Apostle had to say to me because it was her that asked
me. The girl spoke saying all kinds of wrong things like she didn’t get her blessing until they started
giving into the church. I was silent already knowing this was my first, and final warning for the
Apostle to stand down. It didn’t matter what that girl said, poor thing, I was also waiting for the
Apostle to correct her. I had to correct them a few times before saying the Apostle was a covering. I
was like oh hell no. Since I didn’t hear her say that I thought it was just the younger ones a little
older than me just saying that, and I was like oh no mama.

I proclaimed to them over, and over that she is not a dollbaby or American Idol, she is just a woman
who loves to share the Word of God period but when I found out how wrong I was I had to act.

I told her what I said that night, and whether she spoke again or not she heard me, and I said I will
give it one more service to see if the toon changes. It didn. She must have thought because I was
respectful, and polite that I was about to get ratchet.

And she would have been right if that's what she thought because I was refusing to get ratchet.

103
I was hoping that she wouldn’t. The most interesting thing happened. A newcomer came to visit
during the live show. That was really rare. What was even more interesting was that her sales speech
about pledging, and giving, and having to do exactly what you pleaded to pledge or be seen as a fool
by God moved the newcomer. It moved the newcomer so much till he had to leave early but he did
not before giving a speech.

He said he loved the message, and that he just told God while watching another ministry on the tv
that he was going to go to that ministry, and put his offering in. He made it clear by saying it twice
that he pledged to God that he was going to that particular ministry he saw on tv.

He then went on to say BUT since he was there, he was going to give it to her instead. I was waiting
like a spider looking with all eyes to see was this B*** going to have the decency or the common
sense to say after a message like that, “no, you vowed that to God about the other ministry so take it
there, but I appreciate your gesture, and your visit”. You think she said that. She starts praising God.

And the next funny thing was he asked her if she had changed. In the middle of service, you show
yourself walking outside to make sure you get that money. How does that look? She came back in
badass mad saying she didn’t like how that went because of the interruption it was the devil, and she
was not allowing no more guests. But called the next day bragging that he gave more when I
brought it up when she called to see why I did her like how I’m about to do it.

She didn’t understand how touched by an angel she was. How touched I was, and how touched her
whole block was because she was right there in florida, and I was ready to know all her false teeth
down her throat. But I tried to keep it cute because she hustled, and she hustled hard for the little
coins she was collecting for nothing.

After service as it was closing she hinted at calling me possessed because I didn’t say give into the
ministry like normal but instead I said if anyone wants to give to her. I knew what I was doing. I
wanted that bitch, and she knew it. Her only angle with me was try to discredit me with the rest of
the people with their scary pussy asses sitting in their faces talking all that junk behind her back but
pledging their souls to her dumb ass. At least I believed in the bitch. I wanted her to win. I thought
she had won, and didn’t care about shit.

104
I damn sure didn’t care about no GOD DAMNED money because I made money, money aint
never made me. So I was like I found a church bitch that didn’t give a damn either, oh yeah we were
about to show our asses from country to country freely. Boy was I wrong again.

I told her I had it in me to be more radical than her but she must have thought I was playing by
saying, “be careful what you ask for”, like she was acting like somebody.

To me, being tied down to money is a sickness worse than death. Oh hell no. If I'm going to do
something, I'm going to do it because I want to do it, and I'm going to get paid for it. NOt, I gotta
do it in order to get paid, gurl. I was back to ratchet again.

I was already out the door so I simply texted after services saying, “I will not be a member any
longer, and I will give my goodbye speech when they are ready. It could have been right then or that
night during the afternoon service”. I didn’t receive a text back so I called to say my goodbyes.

To my surprise, and God’s humor, they didn’t even open the text because they were busy, saying I
should have called because it was inappropriate to do that in front of everyone. I didn’t give a good
God Damn about what shouldn’t have been doing whatever in front of whoever but I stayed calm
because I knew her only angle was to make it seem like I was crazy.

I really wanted to take a hammer to her mouth, and make her teeth permanent. She kept trying to
say did i not believe she heard from God. I told her she could have heard from anyone she heard
from, but I didn’t hear that, and it didn’t matter if I heard it from her, from where I was or where
I'm from, I am out the door whenever I hear that.

I am able to laugh now because I have forgiven her a few times, but then I was just laughing at, and
ready to touch her. I am talking about reaching out, and touching her was what I was ready to do
because at that point I saw exactly what she was, and for five dollars you could have gotten anything
you wanted from her. I was like damn, again I minus well be on the streets because in a place like
that i was under the streets lower than the gutter.

105
I was like don’t use God name up in that, in our wickedness. We could keep it real, and not even
have to put HIm in it at all. However, I guess by doing that it was not an Authoritative figure
because all would be one who has to look up to GOd instead of man for every comfort, and
emotional, physical need. I didn't know what she had going on really so i didn’t knock her for her
hustle. If that's how you choose to get it, be proud of it. I wanted to knock her for adding a God
and me. Calling him Father, and me son.

106
 I Know I’ve Changed

I knew I was changed, but I also knew that I was sorry, and that dragging my sorry butt to Church,
to School, and to Family was not the answer.

I asked God why.

This time not down, but confused at what was wrong with us in this world. I knew one thing
though, that I loved some Him, and that was never going to change because during all that I was
able to get understanding for myself from His Word.

I knew that He was perfect, and that I could not turn my back on Him completely over us being
corrupted here, and then blaming HIm. He can be so misunderstood at times, and so can we with
each other. But just because you’re misunderstood does that make you a liar or a lie? Or does that
make your feelings, your experiences any less real? Any less true? Well not to me they don’t; so Of
course not.

So this time I asked Why again, but while seeking what I knew, and searching myself. I heard simply.
'All those hours, days, times, and years I had been looking for just family instead of Him, and all
who hate him, love death.’

I was like omg, I was not doing the number one thing everyone that knew my Granny personally
said to do was to take care of number one, and you ain't got no friend but Jesus. I was not taking
care of number one, myself, and I was not valuing my only friend. I got so used to just saying that
only in bad situations when it's supposed to be a good thing that doesn't have to be said.

Not in a fight or flight type of way after the fact of being hurt or offended, but in a loving, leading
way going to every situation with confidence knowing that no matter what I’m ok, better even. I was
using it as a soft cushion to land on instead of as a shield. That preventative shield only came with
seeking to understand for myself. Not seeking in a way of Him needing to prove himself to me, but

107
in a way of getting help to navigate this world by proving me by His Word. Whether I choose to
believe or not its foundational laws about everything that makes up this world. No where around
foundational, not even under. I had tried that, and it was leading me where I didn't want to go, but
had first class, front row seats to because I was not following the foundational path of Life.

When something is on your mind, then it's on your mind. It's not meant to be confirmed, verified,
agreed upon or not by What's on anyone else's mind. It won't make it any less important if you find
that no one agrees just like it doesn't make it anymore important if everyone agrees. What's on your
mind is for you to decide is it old news, and do you need to renew your mind or is it something you
need more understanding of for yourself. As long as there is life, there is hope, and an old mind is a
dead mind. You can't be upset that others aren't thinking about you in the way you are thinking
about them. It is a choice, and oftentimes when something is pondering your mind it's for you to
pray, and learn something from it. Whether you need to pray for forgiveness or to understand it
That's for you to decide based on where you want to take it. Surely don't keep holding on to it until
it becomes old.

A new Thang
I gave up all, and I started to reject everything, and in the process I found my calling to get back to
business. I started a business. Just like that, I started a company. I kept it secret because now it was a
God, and I thought, and I didn’t want any naysayers until I got the money.

I told my aunt Floretta that the keys were about to change hands. She really wanted me back in the
travel business, and I did too in the past. She knew I really wanted to, but I had to do it my way. No
more letting her talk, and persuading me to join another business like credit, and she pays the
monthly charges. I wanted to do it right so I kept it from her too.

It was now well into Covid, and here I was starting a business from bed. I had zero clue it was
possible, and I figured that because of how things were is what made it possible. Had I been saved
for a reason through all of this?

108
Wouldn’t it have been easier just to talk to me, and tell me what I needed to know?

Well He did, and I didn’t listen. Understanding what I wanted, and responding in a way that I
wanted to, what I wanted to, using what I picked up along the way. It was my world, and there was
no room for Him trying to guide me, and help me. He even went as far as allocating all I needed
inside of me already when I was born, and I still didn’t listen. Not to myself or Him. No other way if
I wasn’t listening to HIm, and I wasn’t listening to myself, but the dead ends of pointing fingers
beating me up got my attention to seek this, and everything through Him by looking all at me.

I saved my life because I chose to give it to Him. Now He owns it which means that I will think
about not shooting you before I shoot you, and I will think about not slapping or cursing you out
too before I slap, and curse you out.

What you thought? I was on my way to heaven right now on a cloud? No boo I’m still right here
with you, for now. I just invited God to come along with me. You don't mind, do yah?

I will choose to think because I understand that after that point it’s my choice, and no longer His,
and Him, and I have an understanding that when I make choices on my own, I face them on my
own. Now sometimes the fear of what that might look like to be without HIm again, but on
purpose, this time, is enough to correct my own thoughts about shooting you, and since I'm not
going to do it, I'm not even going to entertain the thought.

I will let you keep on acting around like you want to get shot because if you do that enough around
the wrong people you will get shot. It’s not maybe about that, it is what it is, and ain't no changing
that. Just like it ain't no changing your family. You can't choose who your family is, and you switch
just showing you don’t love them for them.

It doesn't matter if they are the most backstabbing, down-talking bunch of ”ignant” acting jerks.
What does that have any to do with you? If that’s what makes them happy, then that's what makes
them happy. Be happy for them, But you be the change you want to see.

109
Maybe just maybe you all will start seeing a way to change through you because it wouldn’t be so
unobtainable. Crazier things have happened.

Like working my butt off to learn all I could learn this year to retire my mom, and to reveal to my
family what I did from bed, that is profitable, that I could teach them. However, as soon as I was
about to reveal everything, literally the day something important was happening, my last aunt, my
mom's last sister Floretta died in her arms suddenly, and unexpectedly to the world.

We haven't been touched, but once again we were touched. It happened so fast until it did not feel
real, but it was true. Thank God for shock acting as a bag to grab most of it, and seeping out little by
little until I accepted it. My aunt was gone, and I sat all alone meeting with life face to face this time.
No longer feeling duped by it.

I wrote this book on the night of her funeral.

Life, and I working together as partners, and God leads by writing every word through me. I knew
this book was my final goodbye to this part of my story. I want to cry so bad right now, but I can't.
Why do I want to cry? Just because it's a physical expression of how I feel? Just because I feel,
doesn't mean I have to cry, and just because I want to cry doesn't mean it's a bad thing. My tears are
for Joy now. It is what it is, and it is called life. I can let it out live me or I can learn to change living
it. Life chances, situation changes, so i must change with it not because of it.

Be proactive.

I figured if no one still wasn’t coming around, if people were still leaving this world, how was not
fighting, and waiting any better than fighting, and forcing the issue to be acknowledged even if not
worked out?

Before those tragedies, I just knew it was a possibility to clear the air, and hug it out with family
members. When it could no longer happen the way I planned in my fantasy, on the deck of a
vacation rental beachfront home with drinks, and so much laughter till we were crying, I knew I had
taken being real way too far, and I was ashamed of myself.

110
111
 Self

For the first time, I really gave up fighting my perspective of how real I should be because I saw
how much more beneficial acknowledging truth to myself first was. That so-called reality I thought I
wanted was so situational-based on feelings. Everyone in the same location could all have different
real feelings. I realized that anything that’s based on situations, whether it’s considered real today or
not, is a lie. If my perspective of how your behavior changes towards me is what changes my
feelings towards you then something is wrong, and the truth needs to be realized quickly before all
hope is lost.

With that revelation starting to replace past beliefs all of a sudden, and as different as night, and day,
I noticed a change in all of me. My mood improved, I was singing a lot more, and thanking God,
and mostly I then learned to stop trying to change others reactions towards me. Their thoughts for
them to understand were no different from mine. It’s where we choose to take those thoughts that
can eventually become feelings that make all the difference. We can choose to project those
thoughts onto who they are appearing to be about or we can not avoid going deeper within
ourselves to understand why we were even having them.

I also stopped questioning myself based on how others treated me but rather I questioned myself on
who I knew I was deep down, and where I wanted to grow. No matter the circumstances I cared to
care. Whether I was right, wrong or indifferent I cared to care. And now I’ve learned to be carefree.
Giving my care to God is what He asks for so that I won’t be careless.

My granny used to tell me all the time to “take care of number one”. I did not start doing that until I
started truly counseling myself through his word, and acknowledging my future greatness alone. I
did not think I could take care of number one without the presence of others that were here before
me to guide me. What a liar, because I then stopped looking at the glass half empty, and started
looking at it as being half full with me holding the pitcher. Care is an illusion. An expression that can
not replace Love or Hate. It was never my business to even consider who was going to be there for
my greatness or not. I should have just planned for all to be there plus One.

112
 Chapter 4

Ricolaaa, Now I'm Free To See The World.

From that new earned perspective, I realized that the ones I had issues with by them not having
issues with their behavior towards me did teach me everything else I needed to know to have the
best start at the rest of my life. Their unintentional methods were just presented in a way of what
not to do instead of what to do; which is still just as beneficial when understood, and applied.

The difference in who you see yourselves being versus who you notice yourself becoming is what
you are doing, what you are not doing, and your perspective of what you are settling for being done
to you. This difference shows what you are focusing on.

Why are you finding it true what someone is saying if it’s just their current reality, but it's a lie
concerning a better tomorrow, and what it’ll take to get there? Why did I need to define myself apart
from others just to defend it against real lies while without knowing I was becoming the whole lie,
and nothing but the lie with how real I thought I was prepared to get, which was not the true me
that I was.? It was the REAL situational me. The me that was being governed by moments in
relation to other moments, and so on.

113
 Who hired you

I had to find out these answers, and this time I knew exactly where to get them. Somebody ought to
say again that the truth can set you free because why not live the truth louder, and let the lie have to
defend itself which it won't be able to do because it's a lie. Lies have to keep changing, and banding
together for strength to not fizzle out faster. However, the more you focus on a lie the more life you
give it. It wants your full undivided attention, and energy that’s why you notice more when you think
it's about you, and not a stranger down the road.

You wouldn’t really notice that happening as much to someone you haven’t cared to witness it
happening to. So the more life you give a lie, the less you live the truth louder, and louder. Not being
focused on living the truth gives the lie more, and more reason to keep looking for more lies to fill
the space you are making available with your attention, and time.

Leave no room for a lie to grow no matter how real it looks to the majority. SO!? Grow you, not a
lie!?

With this freedom, I changed, and I noticed the lie got so small to me first till it lost sound, and
slowly became just a distant memory soon to be forgotten. That is what I call VIP living. It is
exclusively your decision on how to handle your issues in life.

Able to live, and love with no interruptions of hurt feelings or forgotten goals. The quicker you learn
to live your VIP lifestyle the sooner you will forget all lies. Like a wave that folds into itself, and
back into the ocean the lie will again be yet another, “what if “. A scenario only visible to the
imagination of who cares to ponder it. Either way, like that wave you wouldn’t remember it from
focusing on how beautiful the bigger picture of the ocean is. Too mesmerising at times to consider a
wave that's now once again lost in it. You will understand that waves are just a part of it just like real
lies from shared, missed understandings that are just a part of life.

114
You can't control where or when a lie comes, but you can control how soon it goes unnoticed.
Everything would taste better, look better, feel better once you decide never to fall victim to a small
wave again. Conquering the wave is conquering the ocean piece by piece in your own time. No one
could dispute how real any moment was for you because some waves are bigger than others, but
trying to stay there is like trying to catch a wave with your hands. You have missed the bigger
picture, and the purpose of the wave coming, and needing to go back from which it came. You may
be left just holding dirt, if anything, and it doesn’t have to be.

Nothing else would seem so difficult to decide on because you would have chosen an abundant life
of unlimited unstoppable positive possibilities after freely letting go of everything that’s not. You
could absolutely have them all because you would have more freed up time, and more work could
get done in quicker time frames. This means faster turnarounds, and faster goals achieved which
means bigger goals than you could ever imagine!.

Having that possibility of always seeking to reach greater heights for yourself, and in your career,
with partners or not, all because you chose to live by truth, can even make you feel greater empathy
for those who aren't yet. You would understand the trap of them being only real to themselves, and
not true with how they choose to use their hearts, their minds, their senses, and their projections
into their surroundings.

“Spit out enough mud to waddle in, and eventually you will be unnoticeable.”- The
Qualifying Me Again

Chapter 5

Having been there, and successfully surviving, backing yourself out of it, you would be able to relate
with them having their own perspective of what’s real. You would also know what they would need
to pull themselves out if they ever wanted to.

115
You will begin to have sympathy for people that seem to act as if they would rather be your enemy
because of their perceptions of your opinions. They most likely would think of you as the same
person that was huge on reacting when you weren’t actively applying these practices.

However, at this point, you will be operating at a higher emotional frequency, and awareness of self,
and what’s already yours. The only thing that would probably appear the same is your outer shell
even though you know that you would have been changed, and soon that would be too.

All fantasy worlds would cease to exist, and all your wars would end in sudden victory because
during these steps you would have realized everyone on the battlefield was fighting their own
perspectives. The more they believed that real perspective to be true the harder they would hit; only
hurting themselves.

Your heart, your mind, your goals, and your dreams would no longer be on earth but in heaven
while you’re on earth. Being an enemy to that would make them an enemy of purpose not you here
on earth.

What would it cost to feel sorry for someone struggling with that? Attempting to be an enemy to
others who are at peace with every level that they once struggled with once before is only being an
enemy now in your own fantasy that they are nowhere near.

You, on the other hand, as a VIP lifestyler you will forgive any real lies before they are even told. It
would not matter if the whole world agrees with how realistic any story about you seems because
you would be fortified with all truth. Nothing in this world would take you by surprise. Using
truthful fundamental practices to lead by example unapologetically because you would now know
your purpose to lead from a higher perspective in a worldly experience.

Yes, you'll humbly know that they too can have all of the good if they too take on all of the good
with it. However, you’ll stop waiting for anyone else to stop keeping it real just for the sake of it.
You’ll know if you don’t stop by choice you just might be stopped, and it may be too late to tell the
truth.

116
It won’t have anything to do with anyone else. No lie anyone told, nor any truths anyone told, would
matter at that point. Your end would be only about you, and that’s the truth.

What Qualifies You...

When I accepted that truth, I knew exactly what I needed to do for myself. To get the answers,
finally to all my questions, I had to look inside. Doing so I saw three main areas that needed to be
acknowledged, accepted, and applied.

Step number one was I started by applying all my own advice. I always took it, but I didn’t always
have a reason to apply it to myself before.

So this time around, whether I felt it applied to me or not, I piled it on. By doing so, I quickly
weeded out what wasn’t true from it having too many variations. If it was true for them, and
somehow changed, and wasn’t true for me, then that’s situational, and never was true sound advice
to begin with.

I no longer felt alone from being misunderstood because I then knew I was searching for solid
foundational truths needed to then build on, and trust for myself, and not what I was, and wasn’t
doing.

I stopped accepting limiting lies that were hidden in plain sight behind, “keeping it real” like, “you
scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours”. That term is obviously situational offering no controlled
guarantee to anyone involved. Plus trying to uphold that saying as law for myself already caused me
problems in the past because of its unrealistic expectations based on other’s right to choose, and
change at any given moment in time. It is no rule saying anyone is obligated to be the exact same
person in the next five minutes.

Oh no! That had to go because I no longer wanted my behavior to be triggered by other’s decisions
to act or not act upon any agreement or nonagreement. Doing that, as something true to practice, is

117
a recipe for repeated disasters, and being left time, and time again as the only one attempting to
uphold your side of the bargain. No matter if you performed a background check proving they
would always be there for who is there for them that is still situational, and subject to change with
no needed notice. That’s risky business for sure, and is now gone out of my life.

Anything with any chance of making me go back to saying things like why this had to happen to me,
and why I had to get the short end of any stick had to go! I was acknowledging that I rather depend
on myself to change, and not change others. Not to take away from wanting or needing help from
anyone because everyone was still free to do as they please. It's just that now I was accepting their
freedoms, and mine as well. So no joint contracts are needed for that.

If I wanted to scratch your back, and we agreed that I could, then I may or I may not. Likewise, if I
wanted my back scratched a little, I am not about to wait on you unless I chose to. I’ll know that my
waiting would be my choice, and whether you came or not would be yours.

No more so-called real laws to uphold

No more disappointing real-like promises that are really self-sabotaging by trying to control every
area of your future, and others with having you, and them under contract of who said what when.
Let people be free in your heart, and thoughts to do what’s in theirs, and vice versa.

Another toxic saying I knew to let go was giving the benefit of the doubt. Like, what... is that
anyway? We all know there is no benefit in doubting. It’s simply trying to stall the inevitable from
happening in your acceptance range when clearly it has already happened outside of it. The term has
you lying to yourself, and wanting others to lie with you by agreeing as if you did some major
accomplishment. No one is obligated to find benefit in your doubting, no matter what it's about.

That saying was not fit to aspire to or qualified to build on because nothing that truly benefits in
order to be deemed a benefit should be doubted, and if so then something is wrong that's not a

118
benefit. I tried that, but it was unsuccessful. One reason it was unsuccessful is because it has no true
guidelines. It only implies to completely ignore all that you have learned about a situation or a
person.

Can you imagine the people that probably could have still been here alive, or in better situations, if
they followed the truth about what they knew, and not lies that conveniently changed everything
depending on the situation?.

If I saw a sign saying road cuts off ahead why would I find benefit in doubting that was true? Again,
it’s another made up saying to attempt to control freedom to change your mind when you want. It
seems that, “keeping it real” sayings, all have a real control pattern issue.

If I Only Had A Brain

If you want to ignore the sign, by all means that’s your choice to ignore the sign on the side of the
highway that the road ahead is about to be cut off. That is yours to make, and should be treated as
such. However, to still go past it, while expressing it’s outside of your choice to do so, but you do
anyway just to uphold giving it the benefit of the doubt, is only you choosing to ignore what's being
shown by gambling. You are still responsible whether choosing to choose for yourself or choosing
to let crippling sayings choose for you.

I suspect these sayings are designed only to be used when an excuse is desired as an explanation
coverup that your mind was already made up to ignore the signs instead of just saying, “I’m going
for it”. What is difficult about owning your choices when either way you will still be held responsible
for them? These seemingly noble sayings, that people have been trained to utter to themselves, and
others for years are only setting people up to feel free to take an uncalculated risk that leads to
unnecessary failures while being ready to point the blame, and repeat.

119
 Check your formula

If I had a nickel for every time, just the thought of that saying came up to be used as an excuse, after
the outcome of something I decided to continue with, was exactly what I didn't want to happen, I
would have a few nickels. I would not dare say it out loud because I knew how pathetic, and
misleading it sounded to me any time I heard it anywhere else. When that wanna-be real law is
present it is always concerning a sad situation, and it doesn’t benefit anyone involved ever.

I remember witnessing multiple situations where a person was in need of mental help that had
caused themselves to have a negative influence on how they would handle all financial situations.
They didn’t seem to know it was a mental issue, so they just kept wanting more, and more urgent
money.

I could tell it was mental because when the situation wasn’t urgent for them they did not mention
money ever. It was only when they thought they needed it right then that the topic would come up
as if they would forget that monthly bills are generated at the same time every month. They would
ask others for money when those moments came more often than they appeared to have wanted
them to. You could see the doubt, fear, and frustration on their faces, and hear it in their voices
when they asked to have money repeatedly.

Sometimes they were even in tears because they really seemed to think they would have no hope if
rejected. It didn’t seem to help that everyone knew that there were times in the past that they paid
back late or weren't able to pay back at all. It was a sad display of a person in need of help time, and
time again.

Yet what was even more bothersome to me was that they were begging a person that suffered from
worse mental issues than them. They suffered from finding benefits in their own doubts that they
had in themselves, and others; because of it, they couldn’t assist anyone's true needs beyond that.
There is no medicine that I know of, for that.

120
Time, and time again, they would only agree with the person's request after giving a speech about
the last time they gave them the benefit of the doubt, and they didn’t supposedly keep their word,
while not keeping their own word again saying, “not giving them another dime”.

They kept their actions! So what difference did it make if they didn’t keep their word? Rather hear
you are going to get slapped or get slapped? Which will get your attention more? The action Right?
It seemed like a no-brainer that if they are showing you that they do not pay back or they pay back
late after threats, and being chased down, yet they’re telling you that they got you on Friday, yet
Friday never comes, then what is that showing you? THAT YOU’RE NOT ABOUT TO GET
PAID THIS FRIDAY AGAIN. Who is in need of more help at that point if you are the one
continuing to give because of the benefit of the doubt? Me! The answer is me. I was in need of more
help to get out of there, from around them. That's who needed the help, me.

Just thinking about how often this happens has me rolling my eyes up in the air right now at how
obvious what's about to happen again. If you were thinking the person who was in need was a no-
show, no call, nowhere to be found on the day set to pay back, then of course you were right.

Like clockwork, the lender would be somewhere screaming voicemails into their cell saying, “I
GAVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT, AND YOU LIED TO ME AGAIN”.
Sometimes they would call the person terrible names that I did not agree with. I would be sitting
somewhere looking like girllll pleaseeee while rolling my eyes still not suggesting anything because at
that point their issues were beyond my hands-on jurisdiction lol.

However, it was the same song, and dance number between someone who didn’t want true help
with someone who didn’t want to truly be of help. They both wanted real quick fixes to be involved
if it went right while using something or someone else to blame every two weeks if it went wrong
again.

Where was the benefit in not acting according to what they both knew?

I have seen this same scenario dealing with drug, and alcohol addicts on television, and I would feel
so sorry for them all being blamed with this saying as if it had mind-control capabilities over people

121
screaming at them. Find benefits in true help, and not real doubts. Even if the best help you can give
at the time is to say, “no”, then say no because that’s better than helping them get buried deeper in
addictions, and debt just because of your feelings of wanting to be proven wrong or right.

That self-indulgent “real saying” being kept as a law for you to use at your discretion is another
personal feeling that can have too many dangerous interfaces like playing Russian Roulette. So that
advice too was then gone for sure.

You don’t owe anyone, at any time, doubting benefits, no matter how much they admitted to having
done the same for you. SO!? Telling me that I should have the benefit of the doubt for them just
because they had it for me would give me the window of opportunity to lean all the way back, and
tell them, “They better find the benefit... of getting up out of my face, because I am in control of
this. Alllll this”. I control me, and not any Fairy Tail cliche.

Have fun with the truth. It is the only benefit in every situation, and telling it just may teach
someone else to consider rethinking their own real position.

122
 Control Freaks

Do you see the pattern of what had to be removed in order to be an Identifier of the Truth? Stuff
like, “Blood is thicker than water”, “forgive and forget”, or “everything happens for a reason”, that’s
only being used conveniently as excuses to stick around toxic environmental cycles that they may be
a part of. Um, No!.

No one here is implying not to use wisdom for yourself, nor to hold on to things that you shouldn’t,
but don’t associate forgetting things you learned, and needed with having to stay around harmful
environments. Your mind is the first environment to start with cleaning up. Your senses picked up
on things for you to choose how to use the information as you saw fit. I am suggesting that you
learn to use those signals as lessons to grow from, and in spite of, and not waddle around in getting
stuck, and being tarried from your goals. “Forgive and Forget”, is not an excuse to be irresponsible.
“Everything happens for a reason”, does not automatically mean every reason was good, and now
becomes able to be ignored, and forgotten. I find that people say those things as a sign that they are
ready to start thinking about something else, and throwing that, the reason for saying them, on the
back burner to forget until it comes up again, and they repeat it. Saying those things are not dealing
with the issue, it's avoiding it.

It’s like saying I don’t know how to be confrontational, or that you don’t like confrontation, as a way
to not be confronted about anything, because you know that you don’t want to change anything.
You want to be right about what you know. And that's ok if that’s your choice, but that’s not true,
because how can a relationship grow if one side blames being confronted about anything as being
confrontational just because they don’t want to deal with it, or be proven wrong, or shown as doing
less than what they could be doing to make it better? How can we grow together? It’ll be a stagnant
relationship where no one can learn to do new things, of course for better days, better scenarios,
because we can’t learn from each other. That is one of the most annoying lies to hear someone tell
you because they interpreted what you said completely in a way that you didn’t even mean, that
merely suggested change in any way, and they scream, “Oh I don’t like confrontation”. It’s almost
like what? What in the world are they talking about? That’s just how deeply they are set in holding

123
on to what they are doing to be right. Without knowing that, they may even be attacking only you to
defend their position to protect themselves from changing. You could have even been referring to
yourself as being the one changing or needing to change or even have changed. Any change can
trigger them when it’s something like quilt eating them for not changing. It’s not funny, but it’s really
sad that we can't even have conversations about what’s true because it may offend someone that’s
not ready to do something different. They may even have convinced themselves that they have
changed for the best by switching up just their same old habits, but in a different order.

The best you can do for them is pray for their minds to be renewed as well as their hearts, and move
on by keeping going.

You’re Everything To Me!

Practice this step by just going down your own advice, and any advice that you found yourself
quickly giving to comfort someone else. Testing whether it’s situational or not will help find what
works for you; by revealing what solid truths you choose, or what compromising reals you keep.

Truth, when sensed, has the power to make you question yourself immediately seeking areas where
it is applied, should be, and could be applied. Things like showing gratitude, forgiveness, controlling
your responsibilities, and your behaviors. Practicing patience or temperance when it’s beneficial. The
truth is it doesn’t come with any catchphrases. It is not going to chase you to catch you. It’s either
you seek to obtain truth or you don’t.

While real, on the other hand, alone seems to only make us proud that we know we have done them
during situations before thinking about old moments or proud that we didn’t. Proud that we told
someone off or that we gave them the benefit of the doubt and caught a light break with them just
barely missing a curse out that they had coming. That you would have acted like you felt bad about
if you jumped the gun instead of admitting it's you that needs to change. Real has new catchphrases
being made all the time to convince which ones should be used in a row to bad actions at what time
like “Kill them with kindness” or “You don't step on my toes, and I won't step on your toes”, or
“having to walk on eggshells”. That’s all in your mind.

124
What Again!?

Yes! People, please stop just tolerating being around, and influenced by people you have no interest
in loving or caring about. Please stop! It is the year 2021 during our world's largest known to man,
on our modern records, pandemic, and trying to kill people you don’t like with kindness that you for
whatever reason don’t care for is ri-di-cul-ous. There, I’m just going to say it. The whole concept is
absolute “ludachristina”. With all the things you could be doing for yourself or with people you love,
and respect, you find time to do that? Wouldn't it be easier, to separate, or plan to separate, or
simply stop engaging?

Now, I do understand, in some cases, where someone wants to get a certain reaction out of you, and
you have picked up on it. Do you think killing them with kindness while you are smoking hot inside
is any healthier? How don’t you know that? You do not have to pretend to laugh, and play nice for
not one person that you don’t want to that has tried to offend you. I’m not saying you have to
disrespect them either but remember earlier I said sometimes ignoring things in certain settings for
too long could eventually get your head knocked off. You can express “No, not today or any day” to
them. Especially when you know they want you to blow up.

Imagine how it would look if they were persistent with wanting you to get angry, and you are
determined to only keep your anger building up inside while smiling at them. That’s Crazy and ain't
nobody that’s crazy want to be crazy, so nobody should want to play crazy either. Whether one or
the other breaks, and explodes or not, that’s just more ludicrous waiting to happen. You do not have
to let it get that far to even feel like blowing up inside. Again, it’s the year 2021, and you have every
right to say, “No”, just like you have it to say, “Yes”. And Matthew said that one!

“It’s Brittany, Snitch.”- I’m Qualified

Everything

125
Step one of finding what solid truths are for you is so pivotal in relation to achieving total access to
success of the other steps, and anything else in life. It is truths, that’s now being upheld by you, for
you, while only being seen as being capable for others to upheld if they chose to. Whether or not
anyone follows the truth with you or not is never the point nor has it been any of your business or
theirs. The point is you would have a solid identity in the truth. It would not make a difference if it
is recognized by anyone else or not because it is for your benefit to have, and to hold.

No more guessing or trying to figure out where to go from one situation to the next by you or no
one else. No more trying to match voices to show credibility or build rapport with potentially new
clients. We don’t need clones of clones. If we’re going to have clones like the movies then let it be a
clone of you, and not you cloning a clone of you cloning someone else. It is enough of that around
already. You will find that your moments will no longer reflect times as a reactive person, but your
overall time will reflect the same in this overall moment we call life. It would just keep getting better
and better.

You will become stable just like the problem-solving foundation you are building while treating
every moment as one to introduce yourself as one. That’s instant rapport knowing who you are, and
what you stand for. That is because you would start looking for opportunities to show gratitude, and
to be grateful, and merciful to others just because that is you when standing on true never-changing
values. It’s timeless, and free to give so why not give?

It literally would be like saying, “Monday, meet Me. Tuesday, We’ve met. Stressful encounters, and
obstacles, meet Me”. No matter what comes to you that appears new, you will go through it as if
meeting before; with dignity, and with grace handling all that needs to be handled, and walking out
of it having grown. That is the power of standing in applied Truth.

No Strings Attached

This step also includes forgiving another, and setting your time, and emotions free from the
unforgiving chains that could be keeping you as a prisoner to that moment in time.

126
I know I know not our favorite subject, but by not forgiving you are missing a lot. It is something
hidden in forgiveness. Something beneficial, something needed like a key. By not forgiving, then
how are you expecting to be unstoppable by treating every moment as one moment that needs to be
met, and reminded face-to-face by the one true you? You are not unbalanced, and your feelings are
not running back, and forth around the battlegrounds anymore in this step. You are becoming
planted, rooted in the growing foundation that works for you, and your goals.

Everything is in motion. We are even seeing new planets moving closer, yet you think it’s benefiting
you being tied down to a moment?

From experience, I can only tell you that choosing to keep a chip on your shoulder will still only
weigh you down with it. That’s why another saying that had to literally be escorted out of my life
was “I don’t care”. All lies again because I probably cared more than I knew how to admit even to
myself at times.

However, not admitting it doesn’t make the care any less there. You may have been hurt or
disappointed, but when you care then you care. It’s ok if everyone around can’t possibly understand
how you could still care about a certain situation. That’s for you to first admit to yourself in order to
decide if it’s beneficial for you to care in one way or another.

It is possible to care about choosing to let something go.

What’s no longer beneficial to be a part of your story going forward is just not beneficial to be a part
of it, and how much you care or not couldn’t change that. If so, we both would most likely be
somewhere else right now. Wherever we care about the most we would automatically be. Wouldn’t
that be interesting?

A lot of us probably would be places completely opposite from what we are telling ourselves we
care, and don’t care about. Mmmm hmmm very interesting thoughts indeed. Only God knows if I
may pop up in my own little house on my own prairie or in one of the highest rooms in a grade A
apartment building that I would own doing a live stream giving away all kinds of prizes. Either way,

127
I know I would be in the company of people I love while laughing, talking, and making plenty of
noise, singing, and dancing because that’s what I care about, and that's what I do. How terrible it
would be for most people, haven't forgiven, to blink, and go right back to that moment repeatedly
because of how much they care to be there, holding on to it, holding it in.

You may also be surprised how many people may pop up where you are at that once acted like they
didn’t even know you right before you popped away to a beach or to a homeless shelter helping
people in need because that’s what you care about.

That’s why God wants our cares because it’s a made up human illusion like worry. Care nor worry
can replace Love, Hate, or Fear. It just can’t. It can just express it, but it's an illusion because no one
has to see it in the way you are showing it. You could be showing care from love in your opinion,
and they could be seeing worry from fear from their perspective. Or worst, Hate.

This is leading me to the last point in this step, but when you care to love then love out loud by
knowing what it is that you are actually caring about before giving it to God. Is it a life? Is it a trait a
person has, or your feelings pertaining to someone’s feelings towards you? Acknowledge that, and
let God help you with yourself first. Give him everything else to keep for you. I promise you He
won’t drop it. You would want it to drop before he would ever want to drop what you care about.
Get understanding.

Done Away With

Finally, in step one in acknowledging who you are to yourself, when you find yourself being proven
wrong about anything don’t fight it. Whether it’s about day-to-day activities or encounters showing
you a more effective way to achieve what is true then don’t hide from it to save face that you wanted
to be seen as right.

Be the change you see needs to happen.

128
Others just might notice how change has benefited you, and they too may also start admiring, and
admitting, at least to themselves, when they were proven wrong. Conducting your own opportunity
to change will allow others to do as well. Everyone would be minding their own 10, and 2 steering
wheel businesses.

It is best not to skip, or hesitate on this first step. If you decide to, then you have missed the
purpose of it to humble you with self-reflection, and at the same time strengthen you with an
appreciation for your own Mental True Estate.

Step one resets the foundation to a new beginning with doing maintenance on your heart about you
with you, you in relation to others, and you getting focused for the next stage. You are being
introduced to the true you that you saw pieces deep down inside yourself all along. Doing this step
right helps anyone stop focusing on hate. My hate & others hate. My lies. & others lies. My
disappointments & others’ disappointments. I began to truly forgive myself, and forgive others, and
I felt forgiven without wanting, waiting, or needing a conversation with anyone, but myself.

I began to see myself happier with the truth than I was for a very long time with any lie. Something
was different than the other times where I reluctantly made changes with this step. This time I was
choosing no more looking back. In the past, it felt when trying, it seemed like things got worse, and
was non-stop. That was because by reluctantly, and doubtfully doing this Step, I wasn’t focusing on
my growth going forward, but I was still looking back trying to justify my past with real shouldve
couldve wouldve cliches. Again, I was still giving more room to the negativity than I was any truth.
Negativity that I was signaling with my behavior and thought process to come, and persuade, and
bribe me back to depression, and anxiety.

It feels easier to stay bothered because it's a familiar place when you are not ready to choose
complete peace. It’s like not choosing to walk because you don’t want to fall down again so you get
comfortable being down. Of course, those dark challenging moments where unforgiveness, and
doubt were still used to having chains to keep me there in my heart, and thoughts. This step helped
the decision to let the chains go by applying value in its place. Value from lessons learned, and now
applied based on where I am going, and not based on where I am from or where I've been.

129
To anyone that is finding it difficult to know how to forgive because I know it can be hard from
past experiences, I just want to express that I am truly sorry about your past, and I am thankful that
you survived it to have another day that you share here with me. I truly appreciate it, and I want you
to know that I would not tell you anything I truly thought could in any way harm you. If you could
relate to anything mentioned so far here, I would like to encourage you with a suggested perspective.
The strength you have obtained from your whole life, up until this point, deserves to be recognized,
and reclaimed as a whole force. You don’t have to continue on broken into moments that did not
define you. How you own them, and still choose life defines you as the survivor that you are. To hell
with anything, or anyone that tries to cover you with history scars to keep you in a box away from
your best, to come, future. Remember those moments faced you, and yet you lived on, and not
them. YOU LIVED ON! At any time feel free to live on. The rest of your life is eager to meet all of
you.

“Egard your scars by continuing because they taught you how to not stop healing”- The Qualifying
like no tomorrow Me

130
 CBE Prepared

Having repeated experiences or situations stopping your growth that are too similar to ignore is a
huge indicator that it’s something else to acknowledge, and rectify concerning that. Like always
getting laid off for being late to work no matter how early you set your alarm.

You may need to be prepared with your things by the door the night before. Repeating moments of
always coming up short on bill money no matter how much you calculate in your head during work
on payday. It may be beneficial to get a pen, paper or calculator once you are off work before
payday, and go over all your expenses for the next 6 months to a year to find what’s not being
accounted for. Repeated drama is not by chance, but by choice.

The same goes for feeling like you always get the short end of the deals at the worst times for you. I
understand that, and it could really suck to recognize that pattern happening. However, after
recognizing, you have a better chance of finding out why. Maybe, it could be the quality of your
requirements of what makes a deal. If it’s concerning partners, then it could be how you qualify
them. You may also just be writing your own self out of the deal.

That could be very possible if you are anything like I was. I used to give myself the worst side of the
deal just so that others would have the best. I would study extra hard to cover everyone else's part as
if I was planning for the bottom to fall out, and that I would have the only chance to grab it, and fix
it myself. I only learned recently that stemmed from selfish ambition, and jealousy which always goes
hand in hand as partners in crime. One is always hidden right behind the other so it's possible to
miss it at first thinking no way that could be it for you. However, if one is there, then the other is
there for sure. In a trap waiting, peeking through a tiny air hole to swallow everything good, and
everybody it’s good for that it can.

You have to let others that help, be of help without waiting, secretly planning for them to mess up
so you can take over as if you already knew they would.

131
That’s like those Leasing Option landlords that never had any intention of selling you their property.
That is why I like commercial property better. Can’t pretend to purchase that for too long. If you
don’t want the help of a partner, then don’t accept any, but don’t agree to have them just to work
yourself to death out of fear fuelling jealousy, and selfish ambition to go on without them planning
for accidents. Let that Go! It’s a new life for God. Let all that old self sabotaging death go.

I had no complaints about it because I knew that was something I enjoyed doing in the beginning
and I didn't broadcast it. I also didn’t know the root of why I was doing it. I thought it was because I
didn’t care about the money as much as I did about the partnership and being the best partner I
could be so no one would ever want to leave me. Repeating that out loud, knowing what I know
now, I can see the serpent twisted all through that lying way of thinking. It was even fooling me, but
not fooling Life because, however, doing that was contingent on the deal actually going through in
the way it was planned, in the way I planned. Life was not about to let it keep going through no way
like that. Cutting yourself short even by choice leaves no room for error or you will be left out in the
cold while others celebrate just barely making it in themselves.

You are not doing anyone any favors by cutting yourself out because eventually, you will not be able
to partner at all. Everyone would have earned their ways to support bigger deals while you would
have gone backwards to lesser deals, if any at all.

I am Grateful I finally learned that. Even in school I just did not want to assort myself into
leadership positions during group projects. I knew I had what it took to make sure everyone was
being led fairly, but I would not take the opportunity when looking at how the second type of
natural leader was already jumping in, but in maybe a bossy way, to me. I would choose to just help
their vision be related to others, and when they got stuck for any reason it’s like they trusted me to
jump in because I always would at that point. It’s so interesting to me looking back at my behavior
with others and their behaviors to me. I did not want to mistakenly offend right out the gate and it’s
like they knew that so that’s what pushed them to just be assertive even more in the first place. I
would rather show them that I am beneficial because I can listen first than speak. Sometimes you
just have to speak before anything could be heard. In a group there could be a lot of rambling at the
start then everyone looks around quietly like ok what are we going to do. If you know from the start,

132
jump in from the start. The worst that can happen is that it gets better because it’ll be a collective
effort. If the teacher doesn't like that then Matthew said tell’em, “stuff it, and run it over then”.

However, you have to be equally ready to do either at any time. Speak, and Listen that is. No matter
in school, business, helping someone you love through tough decisions, or even giving both to
yourself when needed. Your understanding, and your voice are important.

I did not value my voice, and my understanding, so I acted as if others didn’t either. So look deeper,
and ask yourself what could be causing that repeated feeling of getting less than what you deserve
because it could just be you settling for less.

If you don’t learn why that is, the past will always have a better chance at repeating itself.

This time I knew the past was going to test me to see if I was going to come back to it all over again.
I knew my response had to be from a place of this step one, and not looking back at ground zero.

A place of HELL NO!

I had to walk the walk, and talk of true growth in preparedness to strengthen myself, and I declared
that I was never going backward. I am my best value to myself, and have always been a great asset to
others that are the best value for themselves. All I had to do was know that for myself based on my
feelings about myself. Not based on how I perceived others’ feelings towards me.

If I don’t ever again come across anyone that likes me, I will still love them all. If everyone shows
me that they like me, I will still love them equally because no one’s experiences with themselves
determine my experience with me. Whether you like it or not is your choice. It's So beautiful because
of that right to choose what’s for you, when.

Step one makes you less available for foolishness, and confusion by cutting all the reasons in the
world that have been dictating what should make one happy vs what should make one sad. Control
freak.

133
 Not In My House You Won’t

This step dresses you to hold yourself in higher regard as well as others; recognizing they too are just
one choice away at all times from taking the first step to solving their own problems.

No more guilt trips will be able to be played on you, by you or any one else that says they’re your
this or you’re that if you follow their hidden, strict, friendship contract of rules. Ridiculous rules
basically say, by showing, when they say jump you jump, and balance on a star, and ask them, “was
that high enough”. Oh no! When that happens tell them my granny said “You ain’t got no friend,
but Jesus”.

I have had moments where I told people that straight up at the front door of meeting them because
they were already showing signs of wanting to drag me off, handcuffed to friendship prison. With
my granny's words to help bring their expressed desires closer to the reality I was in, it wouldn’t be
an uncomfortable situation for me that grew too compact too quickly.

The thing was they were not alone in really enjoying our time together laughing because so was I. It's
very likely I enjoyed them even more than they did. I am sure we both were enjoying how natural
those encounters just happened, and how good we would feel.

However, they credited them with feeling good because of me by saying "You make me happy". At
first hearing this a lot I didn't think anything of it because sometimes instead of hearing happy it
would be laugh, or “you made me feel good".

Y'all, I battled with this one because after experiencing enough times where that phrase of praise
can, and does go, I was done accepting that I was the one making anyone feel anything. I could want
them to feel a certain way, but unless they agreed, and chose to go through what it would take for
them to feel that way, then it would just be my wants for them. So I realized it was not me making
anyone feel happy or sad.

134
It became concerning to me why then was I being praised or blamed for either, and even more why
was I accepting it? Did I really adhere to the popular belief that I could do anything to make
someone happy while admitting I could make them unhappy as well?

It was becoming too much to keep up with people's feelings being put on me. I knew I had come
upon a new revelation, but I didn't go deeper into it with myself. I would just opt to stay on the
surface saying, "You can't make me happy, I can't make you sad".

Maybe I was afraid to go deeper in that. Maybe I am still unwilling to go deeper. However, choosing
not to go deeper, getting a clearer understanding of it, made it not easy to completely apply. Even
though I felt I wanted what I thought was the outcome of completely being free from hurt feelings,
and pain.

It pays to get understanding.

The truth could be speaking directly to you where you can sense something is there, but if you don't
explore it while attempting to still live it then you are living a lie. No you didn't twist the truth. You
simply just didn't accept the truth in order to apply it so you made your version of what you wanted
it to look like for you. A lie.

I can not make you feel no more than I can make you see. Yes, I could suggest things that were
normally associated with feelings like feeling good with laughter, but that's not me making you feel.

So in those moments where I felt that my time was being considered to be hijacked by a person who
expressed that they required me to be around them more often so they would “feel good”; because
to them I made them laugh, was really them expressing they needed to have more reasons to laugh
in their life. They needed to laugh more.

However, by not putting the blame on that, so that laughing more could be the goal, and not me
being there, made it dangerous. I could never live up to those unsolicited expectations. It was
dangerous because I am a human being, and not a personal feel good device or happy pill or happy
meal. I have my own life, that comes with its own daily chances, and choices to make. Yet, if

135
according to you, me being there triggers your happiness where I am being blamed, then me not
being there would have the reverse effect, where again I would be blamed.

After experiencing this a few times that did lead to me being blamed for not answering the phone
enough, and not caring, I would pick up on the potential danger as soon as I would hear a different
person say it for the first time. Whether they were expressing it to me or not. If I witnessed them
saying it to or about someone else I would be alerted as well. I was alerted to the dangers even
before I had a better understanding of what's under the surface of that because it was a pattern
happening, and it's based on situations. So it's another cliche.

It's interesting how some things we say, as if it's so simple, Might be true, but could still be a made
up cliche, and really lies all from our perspective of our feelings. Who would randomly think "you
make me feel good" was a lie when we were all laughing, and having a great time? It's important to
realize because how we perceive our feelings to be is how we'll think about them in relation to
others. All of a sudden you would associate that person as sad, this person as happy, this person as
angry, and they wouldn’t be a person any more, but your feelings. If I think my feelings are hurt then
eventually that is what I will express or say. I was being open, and honest about it.

It wasn't that they were lying because they honestly seemed to think it was my doing somehow that
made them feel, but they were wrong.

So each time I was alerted, about anything, even hinting slightly of what they could be facing by
referring to, “friends did this” or “friends did that”, I would always say the same thing my granny
told me. "You ain't got no friend but Jesus" - Josephine Randolph-Anderson (my granny) said that.

Could she have known how really profound that was or could she have just accepted the truth it
promoted, and jumped to applying the conclusion like me? Could she have nearly been tested
somehow concerning it or all of the above? I would say both. She knew enough of how deep she
was able to leave the surface in order to make a very understood conclusion for herself without
waiting to go as deep as the truth about it could go before applying it.

136
Could we ever really go down to the beginning of understanding the truth? Why it is what it is, and
everything else is simply not?

Hmm! Don't wait to get a full understanding before applying the truth you know it to be. Applying
the truth will give you more understanding of what was seen as an award-winning statement in my
family. The difference was expressed in expectations going forth based on that. People would
express how they would want me available on all their terms. Like Can we just be free to be?

I may have had moments where I painted myself in a corner that indicated I needed to learn
something concerning why, but that was my doing. No “friend”, no one is going to make me feel I
have to do anything because of that title. Not in this life ,or any other life, will I fall for that one. I
have enough things I naturally want to do of my own desire. So unless my wants for me to do, and
your wants for me to do naturally match up then you would be out of gas with that one. Out Of
Gas!

I would witness people struggling with this, and I would think do they realize they don’t have to
service no ones’ needs just because? I would hear “friends” both complaining that they have fallen
apart simply because one, out of the blue, was moving or wanted a ride, and wanted the other to
stop, drop, and roll whatever they were doing to go accompany the other. What made it worse was
the other wouldn’t want to nor knew how to say, “NO”. So they would make up something or say
they were coming, and wouldn’t show.

Apparently, the one that had to move or needed a ride already had their favorite people they wanted
to help booked, but they were a no show too first. So they called who they thought they had
paperwork friendship contracts on, and basically threw out what they needed right then, and the
other made up a lie.

Do either of them sound like true friends there?

Truly acknowledging who you are, and what you represent in every situation is step one’s purpose. It
would never be a need to engage in fuss, and fights or debate about anything with anyone
concerning that or anything else. They could either take it or leave it or deal with it, case closed.

137
There will be no point to debate choices, when you control the you that you love, and you will see
them as controlling themselves even if they blame cliches, situations, and you.

You would have been there, done that, and probably shed a few tears because of it, but it’s a new
day, with choosing to take the first step for you, and yours.

The whole concept of having to persuade anyone with force will simply begin to be a negative
needle in an always stacking freshly positive haystack. Eventually, those needles rust, and turn back
into the dirt they came from. Accepting what’s been acknowledged about yourself, and where it can
grow you, is what will be the key. Whether it's forcing by friendship rules, which I hated, or forcing
by thinking if you just explain your position enough, like I thought was good, are all just a waste of
time as a final attempt to get someone to want to be there with you. Learn to be there with yourself
when need be. Next, we go into what accepting it looks like.

138
 Where Are You Going To, Do You Know?

Whatever it takes to stay focused on where you have started, and where it is leading, do it! Do it with
Step Two which is Without Compromising your newly crafted foundation. No more additive
compromising. Without getting too comfortable with one thing, but being open to acknowledging
when it's time to adjust growth to the next level. It will always be another next level to reach.

Whether that means respecting someone's choice for themselves enough to decide whether you two
can move past it or if it's time to move on, then do it. No compromising self with any malice on
your part because you know the truth that's in your heart is judging your response. The goal is to
maintain peace within yourself by abiding by that truth you have set in Set One which will stop
making you feel ignored, and overlooked. You’ve Got This! You will be noticed walking from
situations that you once tried to blend into to please others.

Trust me, and verify it gets easier because step one already has you not feeling alone, and happy with
who you are, and where you are going. Step Two will make you recognize if you were painted in a
box to satisfy others. When you realize it, from anything being against your growth, and moving
forward for you, then you will make a decision to either stay in their box or move on from it. To get
to where you see yourself being in Step One you have to move on.
.
It's ok to keep going.

Some of you may even try to carry others’ boxes they have you in so that you don’t offend them. All
I will share with you is that keeping watch is beneficial. When carrying extra boxes, it could block
your vision of where your feet are going.

So keep watch, always making sure you are headed to your goals for you, and not their goals for you.
I am Qualified to share about that too, because I tried that too many times. Everything seemed to be
going great, but that was one area that I was willing to admit to myself that I did not want to keep

139
persuading them, but also I was not willing to break away from. Even though I knew that's where it
was headed I didn’t want to be the one.

I also was no longer going to stop my growth. So I choose to work harder. That is because those
were the times I was reluctantly doing Step One. Meaning, I wasn't actually doing Step One at all,
but a version I conjured up that I felt would trick the process. Nope, it didn’t, and I used that f ailure
to grow while carrying people's expectations for me as an excuse to give up many times.

However, I understand the part we already agreed on, “when you care you just care”. I will not take
that care away from the portion of you that would be tempted to just grin, and bear it as you grow.
For a moment, I just want to speak directly to you by saying yes it will be challenging, but before
deciding to take that on understand to see that as extra curricular activity that you chose to do on
the side of these steps. Do not allow any disappointments from that to shadow your growth with
these simple easy steps.

A lot of people have used simple, easy steps to get themselves out of situations, and into new
surroundings only to take on the same self sabotaging behavior because they were not willing to stop
compromising, on the side of who they were, with who others wanted them to be for them.

Most of them have found themselves in new places with the same depression, and anxiety
wondering how in the world they still ended up there in a new place. Simply because they would not
allow themselves to notice when things were compromising where they were, where they were
headed, and how.

Choosing to stick with people, places, and things that do not want to grow with you, but also don't
want to grow without you is admitting that you are choosing to stay right there in that room with
them while they have you in a box. In that situation, you may not notice that they don’t even see you
as equals. They want you right there to bail them out of the next drama they go through, by choice,
because they aren’t ready to take the necessary steps to grow themselves also. I know this may be
out of the norm for a book, but I am soooo talking to you right now.

140
There is so much I can share on this topic, but I will save that for a different book on it’s own.
However, for you, care bear who cares, again I warn you to simply keep watch. Acknowledge that's
your choice, and that you are willing to compartmentalize your health, time, energy, and money to
take on that extra work.

Oh yes, I said it! You expect by continuing these steps while carrying the box someone has you in
that you will be able to separate when needing your own health, time, energy, and money. Some for
your growth, and some to maintain that box to accommodate their feelings to assure them you are
not leaving or changing. You can choose if that's a waste of all four for yourself.

Use wisdom, and know that I love you, and you are worth better than that. Yes

When I used to get into trouble in school for laughing during class I would come home to hear that
my teacher had called. I would be asked why I was acting a fool in class? I would start by trying to
explain “my friend…” but I was always abruptly interrupted by my granny saying, “YOU AIN'T
GOT NO FRIEND BUT JESUS ''. The conversation would be over because I already knew what
she meant. I had better not get caught laughing no more that year. If I was going to laugh I better
have done it at recess because I didn’t play.

No friend would want you held back from the true you that’s found in Step One. The you that you
always wanted to meet, in Step Two now that you have, no true friend would have an issue with
that. They would genuinely support you WITHOUT being deceiving to give you a few more yards
on a rope.

If you manage to keep your vision on these steps, they will be surprised when you are too high for
them to hold on to. They would have to decide whether to grow then for themselves or what. It will
always be a what option for anyone who is not ready to put in the work to grow; even if that means
jumping on your back, if you let them. That is not true love or friendship from either side because
how far would you think they’ll be able to go before falling, and how far do you think they would
have to fall if something were to happen to you after carrying them so high without them learning
for themselves how to?

141
Just keep your eyes on the road, and hands at ten and two. For everyone else who does not struggle
with that, move on, and move higher with an openness to higher heights, and a closeness to
compromising with what's not true. Remember there's no benefit in doubting, and it's no reason to
doubt in anything that benefits.

Be the VIP leader of your life, and free yourself from your expectations of others, and others
expectations for you. They too have to learn to be the VIP for themselves. Remember my granny's
words to “Take care of number one”. Lead by example, and adjust it.

Accept Your Own Qualifications

The truth is you always have a choice to turn back, and retract to whatever your old ways of being
were. We all have them, and that same choice constantly on the table of options. Some of us keep
that choice closer to us than others, but it’s there.

Some of us hid it under other choices so we wouldn’t see it, and some knocked it off so it could fall
all the way under the table, but it is still there. The truth is it's important that it is always a choice to
go backwards because that choice is yours to make. It’s not going to be made for you nor will your
backwards be the exact same. That makes Victory going forth even sweeter because it was of your
choosing, and not you won air by default. You chose to breathe.

This is No Compromising Second Step, and ensures that you are in control of where you are headed
in business, and in life by being in control of where you are starting from. Step Two is gearing you
up for your Step One to meet your Step Three. Let them both come to terms with each other to
form a new True Reality of your choice to stand firm with.

When your Step One and Step Three are bonded together with this step of having no compromises,
you will be undeniably unstoppable, and should never feel overlooked again. Your feelings would
stay stable with your choice to grow through anything, or around it. Settling yourself with no
compromises allows others a chance to truly get to know you, and not speculate how good you are

142
by saying things like “well i never had any issues with him” or “she always seemed nice to me”.
There were so many real sides of you before that were situational; they could only get to know
pieces of you if the moment allowed the time. People may have noticed certain glimpses of who you
really could be outside your current perspective of your situation that caused a real reaction.

Of course, they most likely just grouped it all together by saying whether you were cool or not to
them. Those lunch break topics of "oh, he seems pretty cool, especially on Wednesdays after
coffee". That was the calculation they came up with about you when adding all their experiences
concerning you that only showed real glimpses of when you were the closest to your free from
situations VIP lifestyle stuff.

The good thing was that you were such a pleasure to be around during that time frame suggested,
compared to Monday mornings before coffee. Now imagine if the next person's first impression of
you is on a rainy Monday morning, while you are running late, and the coffee machine is broken. Oh
oh, wrong day to run into a reactive, “why me” accepting person. They would think the person that
told them you were a pleasure was a liar. We have probably all witnessed one at some point. Some
more extreme than others, but still being fueled with that why me syndrome, and taking it out on the
surrounding world on the elevator or in a store line waiting to check out.

How was being around that made you feel?

Probably like putting everything back on one shelf, and leaving. If that was a potential client
witnessing you in that light, then what? We may never know.

Of course that was just one example of how real perspectives can still not be who you truly are. It is
never too late to make a shift towards the truth about you, and make whatever negative experience
anyone has had with you before be yet another distant lie till it's easily, and gladly forgotten.

Trust me, and verify, based on who you have shown you could truly be during your perspective of
peaceful times, they are eagerly waiting to be proven wrong about who you were during certain
unmentionable times, that again, we all have. Live VIP exclusively, and cap it by successfully
implementing the final step which is the most fun, and admittedly the most labor intensive.

143
No Compromise is your glue that can’t be replaced just like step one. A working operating system
can be replaced. A working banking system or new proven #1 gadget in the world can be replaced.
A once working friend that's now purposely stunting your growth can be replaced, but the real VIP
you built with Co No Compromise as your glue, and syncing it with Finding Your True Self can
never be replaced.

Never take you for granted, or comprise that foundation. If you want to stop being ignored, and
overlooked then stop ignoring, and overlooking yourself first. You will find that’s all it took. Let
what you know now that makes you in control of your happiness, and success meet you in Step
Three.

144
 Build!

Build! That’s right, let's RIDE!. A little right to the chase on this one since you have done so well
with Step One of Correcting Your Position, and Tools, and Step Two with confirming to Never
Compromise on your building materials. Now Step Three is to Use Them. Take Action as much as
you like, as much as you need to, as much as you can, and as much as you want to.

Constantly maintain your Environ-Mental Health for maximum productivity. Like a garden or farm,
you always want to keep it well watered, and fresh air going through because you know you want to
eat the benefits it's producing into your life.

You want to always be aware if ever diseases, or stressful surroundings have become present in your
environment. That's not healthy for the rest of your garden, nor is it healthy for you. So it would
have to be addressed, and ironed out any misunderstanding or cut at the roots.

Like a garden with sick, stressful plants that signals nets, and other things to come finish destroying
it at the root for you. Which can cause more unrest in your organization, and garden. So be ready to
cut ties with anything if it threatens your principles which are your goal’s vehicle, and your feelings
which are you.

Anything that threatens to compromise me is gone like yesterday's used newspaper. Gone! The
environment you keep is the environment you grow. If you keep foolishness you are helping it grow
more foolish, and it can only feed you foolishness in your time of needing replenishment. Keep
motivational sound wisdom. Let the nets(the haters) do their job to clean up the weak that’s badly
rooted or barely supporting your organization goals anyway.

If you keep building your organization fresh, and strong, if you spot a net its only passing by because
it’ll be nothing for it to finish ruining. Only haters use other haters' dead opinions to finish hating
Don't starve trying to shake an Orange tree looking for Apples. You most likely won't get one that
day. At least not for that tree. So start putting in what you know you can eat from it for years to
come. Clean environment.

145
Now that your feelings, desires, aspirations, and goals are all on the same page to where you are
seeing progress in everything then keep building confidently knowing nothing can ever get in your
way that cant be gone through, around, over or under. You have options, more than ever, because
the situation is not personal to you, but only your response to it is. The great news is you are always
just a decision away to follow the simple steps again. So simple that they are easily overlooked by
seemingly bigger, better, quicker things promising results without ever having to change a thing
about ourselves. I don’t know about you, but I want to enjoy being at the top, owing nobody
nothing.

We know that life is happening, and will continue to happen. These steps are meant to work in
tandem at all times, and used as a checklist when needed. You can try to over prepare for as many
situations as you can, and still may miss something that could rock your world under your
foundation, and really test your limits. That's even more reason to benefit as much as possible living
your structured, unique, VIP lifestyle, so those moments of emergencies won't completely set you
back, but boost you forward.

While you build, you are qualifying in search for those that know, or have potential to know, that
they too are to walk in their Qualification.

No more “she seems alright in my book”. From now on we want “she is awesome, he was the
absolute best, 100% memorable, and we must see them again to show them off”. Listen, when you
are always On your Qualifications, then you are never off, and the next meeting, and the next
meeting and the next would be just as incredible as the first. It'll be no more he says she says they
heard period. They heard what they wanted to hear and it ain’t got nothing to do with you. You'll
know that you are Qualified to achieve everything you ever wanted outwardly, and inwardly by
practicing the daily steps.

My Friend

146
What I, and others have written in great motivational books all have in common is, we simply walk
in our Qualification to point you in the direction of truth based on factual data, and not in the
direction of the real that's based on situational feelings.

For the most part you can't control situations, but you can control your feelings by pairing them
with truth that never changes, and that can give you a better outcome. The situation should always
answer you, not you to the situation. You'll be saying something different each time by trying to
answer the situation. Next thing to do is schedule your growth expecting a bigger harvest.

Look for greater because you are greater. You are now walking in your Qualification so you are now
qualifying everything in your life. No more hand me down employees, just for the sake of having
employees. No more hand me down friends, just for the sake of having friends. If you have to prove
yourself, everything has to do the same, if it wants a shot at keeping up with your growth.

Now, how to make this proven exercise less of a theory for you, and more everyday life going forth
without keeping multiple books on audio book-pilot rotation in your ear constantly?

That's simple. Your Habits will dictate whether you continue, and never need to read another self
help book again or not. Self help books, and mentors are great reminders, and refreshers of what
you say you want to do. However, when you see nothing is changing, yet you enjoyed, and agreed
with the read, or enjoyed the video or guest speaker, then more often than not it's your habits that
are the cause.

Some find it helpful to reread their favorite parts every now, and then. Some even find writing down
lines that were significant, and relatable to them as a quick reminder that they are not alone in regard
to that experience or expressed topic.

Habits to maintain newly found freedoms should constantly promote freedom, like mini, but
powerful, additive batteries that are just as much of a choice to take as the 3 Steps. Like every
whatever step system, it's broken down into even smaller choices. It's important not to compromise
even on a mini level habit. Finding what works for you is like going through a mini step one, two,
and three again. If it's not promoting the growth of your VIP lifestyle making it easier then it is

147
against it on a micro level, and sooner or later the effects will show, if only to stall your scheduled
growth. Like weeds that you don’t want. These are not happy pills. They are simply enjoying
themselves.

These are not steps or habits that will make you an affirmation reciting robot. No, they help you
reach your true self that's always growing. In a way they will catch you up to yourself, and the habits
will maintain that, making sure you are always current. You put off years of yourself for anything
else. Your habits you enjoy, can be scheduled in, being just as important as anything else. They will
also be as unique as you are because like you, they are constantly evolving. Constantly renewing.
Some will be seasonal whether others may be perennials. Some may even be once in a lifetime while
others become as needed. You are the boss so who's to say besides you?

When I was a child, I inadvertently knew it was certain habits I just needed to maintain. One very
important one was sneaking away from the crowd, and having alone time in the bathroom to think
more clearly, only hearing myself. I would cut off the light, and just enjoy the silence, and imagine
the businesses, and opportunities of how I could sell my Halloween candy in school. Yes, even then
I was thinking about business, and how important it was to have a structural plan, and stick to it in
the face of customers.

Making money was another beneficial habit for me. So I needed that alone time to think of all the
ways I could. Sometimes I even fell asleep there. It was the only place in the house where there
wasn't constant traffic at certain times of the day. I can't fully express how peaceful that was for a
younger, less mature, quicker to want to be justified, Me. That habit probably saved me more times
than I knew, and I would not skip on it nor did I share that with anyone, until now.

You will stop needing to seek counsel from any, and everybody about any, and everything because
you will know what you need to do, and when you don’t, cast those cares on the Lord. I didn't
compromise my habit of being in a dark bathroom for hours even when bloody Mary, and
candyman came out lol. And yes, I tried once right before I was ready to come out, and thought I
saw flames, and flew out the bathroom. Me-time session was surely over that day lol.

However, it had done its job of getting, and keeping me in a settled place.

148
Whatever you choose, will do the same for you as well, and it will grow, and mature right along with
you. Right now I don’t get to do that as often but I know I will again. For sure because that’s my
spot. For most it is traveling, so book a trip. As a matter of fact, book a few trips. See which ones at
which times of the year you enjoyed most, and make it an annual thing for you, and your
organization. Give others a reason to get out, and enjoy themselves. Make your habits mini VIPs or
valets to your overall VIP lifestyle.

Whether that's taking weekly or as needed hotel days where you move your office to a private hotel,
do it. In between qualifying, you can enjoy the amenities in private like using tons of bath bombs
like the ones I love at Kay’s Organics Handmade Soaps. Treat yourself. You more than deserve it,
plus it is to better you so it’s a must habit. Working out before you get your busiest part of the day
started is a habit for many. Make every mini VIP a thing for you; if its proven potential to be
beneficial to your VIP lifestyle needs then book it for yourselves With Me. You can even call me. I
will book it for you.

Remember, back in the beginning, acknowledging that you know what you could use, and owning
that you are Qualified to give it to yourself. So book that nail appointment, if that's one of the
things. Take time to go to the butcher, and get exactly the cuts, and trimmings you want, to do the
best Keto-Vore VIP lifestyle tailored for you. Whatever it is, make it a habit because it’s worth it.

No more scarcity.

To achieve this means to qualify, and accept what habit is important, and which is not. Categorize it.
VIP lifestyle worthy, miscellaneous, and get rid of like yesterday bins. If you choose to keep what's
all in the miscellaneous bin for whatever boss reasons; whether you feel maybe one day it'll come
back in style or you enjoy it on the outskirts of everything that benefits the VIP lifestyle then instead
of scheduling to do that bin all at different times, may consider scheduling all at one time, and
interchange them. So you can always feel you have room to choose which one, if any, you would like
to do during that particular time frame, and just move it around as needed.

149
I wouldn't suggest duplicating the miscellaneous box though or we may be revisiting this book
sooner than we thought we would out of necessity, and not habit. You've been made aware.

The importance is, you choose based on your knowingness of where it will lead you. Just remember
your goals are as alive as you are, and your feelings. It's a part of you already there living your
dreams. That's how you are able to see it, and know it is possible to get there, and you want it. You
are able to see it without ever living it because a part of you is already living it. We just got to catch
the rest of us up to it. No, you are not crazy for wanting back where you already see yourself being,
even if you haven’t been there yet. It will simply take intentional investing with taking structured
steps towards it. As you pick up momentum towards it, your goals will seem to speed up towards
you with welcoming arms as your biggest cheerleader.

150
 #1

Speaking of cheerleaders, did you know you could, and should be your very first, and greatest
accountability partner? Hmm, who says you couldn't give yourself that too. Hold yourself to a
certain standard that you choose, that's needed to reach the status that's already at the finish line
waiting for you. No one knows that better than you. Start living that finish line now rather than the
alternative we left behind.

Don't let the Qualified you at your goals seeing you coming around the corner looking defeated, and
doubtful as if you forgot about seeing yourself as the winner miles away while being miles back.
Don’t think for one second that you will be able to look your goals in the eyes to get an
understanding that you are about to stop saying you can’t make it. I can tell you, your goals will not
then go all the way back to where you were to comfort you saying it's ok. Don't lose momentum,
make haste, and if something ever feels off, at an inconvenient time, double check with your three
step team really quick to pin point if it is a garden issue you need to exterminate real quick. Or do
you need to drop a box or miscellaneous bag to climb that final stretch. Or are you still running on
hot air with worthless cliches of faking it until you make it? You will know immediately.

It is the same three steps needed for every level, of every size, of every step.

Conquering your very first bite size “taking action”, or whether you have completely taken over the
world, you would need structured steps to do so. These are the foundational steps to do it aside
from the unique ones needed for every niche, and every genre. Nothing worse than fighting yourself,
while fighting to climb, dominate, and take over. Your success would be well earned, and deserved,
and could be celebrated by doing it again, and again, even faster. Just illustrating that makes me want
to sing "That's the life for Me" from James and the Giant Peach.

Build Your Team

151
Not only are your end goals great accountability partners, but also your feelings you carry along with
them. You owe it to yourself, and to all that your story of self triumph would transform, to be
accountable to those stable, now focused feelings inside. Who else could be a better coach to your
secret thoughts than you.?

You confidently know where you're going. You know where you are. Also you know the steps to
connect the two. Your feelings partnered with your desired goals will now correct your thoughts of,
“why me”, into, “Why not me”, and now into, “it could only be me”. “I am the most Qualified in
this world to be me”, is what you should be saying now because that, my friend, would be true.

152
 Step 2.7 Action

Let's close this book out while opening up a discussion in our homes, to ourselves, and in the
private Facebook group, @M.J.McIntear, with an exercise. Agreed? Ok, try to clear your thoughts,
enough for a moment, from all those images you have been envisioning on this journey with me.
Now, envision any number. The very first number you actually thought of, take it, and multiply that
by three. This multiplied by three numbers is triple the time you have given yourself to know you are
The Mastermind of these Three Steps, and are now choosing to walk in your Qualification, given by
the Ultimate Qualifier, that still can be represented by a parent's voice saying "I know, You know,
you heard me calling your name". You have been Qualified to be more than a conqueror in your
task of Qualifying others with your Victory.

Let’s come up with some business plans. Some non-profit charities. Let’s have some fun!

Before I leave for now, and meet you on the forums, I want to share a final thought that I was given
by the Qualifier years ago to share with you today. Imagine if the Qualified individuals that helped
transform our popular leaders in history, decided not to walk in their Qualification the day they met
our hero's before they knew they were to be heroes? What if right? I used to not answer my own
question because I knew the importance of what it's implying. However, I'm going to answer that
question today with you by saying, If what? Our hero's would have still been Qualified to be our
heroes because they were chosen to be by the Great Qualifier. Don't you dare think that it wasn't
some that were given the task to Qualify them, but decided not to for their own reasons. We know
it's not by their hands that Our Qualification happens either way, just like our heroes. Whether
because of you or in spite of you it will, and it has happened either way. You got to know this for
yourself, and you have given yourself triple as long to practice it. So go, and walk in your
Qualification, and get to Qualifying because you will want it to be because of you, and not in spite.

-Standing by with Matthew

153
 About Author Page
M.J.McIntear is a non-profit, nonfiction romance writer that loves people. Well, his idea of people.
Dedicating life's work to inviting helping people to do the same By Helping Hands.

He is currently found in the Greater Metropolitan area of The Carolinas where he is writing over 13
best-seller Nonfiction Self-help, and fully Transformational Tell All Books that you will have a
chance to get a first glimpse of.

Check out more of M.J.McIntear in his latest series The Identifier: A Modern Day Inspector Gadget
with Publishing house In Bed During Covid LLC. Also associated with Laugh One Up Publishing
Corporate Services.

Philippians 4:8
Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,
whatever is commendable, if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise, dwell on these
things

154
 Author Suggestions and Their Feedback

“An Insightful book exploring how we form habits, and how to change the ones you don’t like.”
-Brenden’s Nichols, aka The Mighty Miracle Man- Certified Personal Trainer, Nutritionist, and
Bodybuilding Specialist. Owner of The Mighty Miracleman Rehab, and Training Company. Issa
Certified.
Themightymiracleman.com

“I surrender... I’m Excited About The Book.”

-Lucky 5, Author of, “Andre & Andrea: Dynamic Duo”, and “Four” with M.J.McIntear.
Lucky5.com

“Can’t Nobody Do It Like Jesus never give up.”

-Crystal Glam, CEO of Crystal Glam and Co-founder of, “Crystal and Matthew Helping Hands”
Nonprofit Foundation

155
 Your Turn To Review

P.S. Readers:

It means the world to us that you took this journey with us. Your feedback is very important to me.

So much so till we reward Honest reviews on Amazon with a biweekly drawing where we pick

reviews, and announce the winners in the Facebook group. You can win more than once, and

there'll be chances to win even bigger prizes by answering weekly questions on the Amazon review

section. The questions will be posted in the Facebook group as well as on the newsletter.

Click Here To Enter Your Review

After entering your first review and officially being entered into the timeless drawing, head to

Facebook for this week's question for your second entry

Facebook

See you there,

Standing by with Matthew

156
 Free gift

Dear Identifiers of Truth,

Thanks for reading our book, and showing your amazing support of the movement. For more, be

sure to join our Truth Inspectors Newsletter to never miss a new release, and get access to our

Exclusive Members VIP areas, and content. Plus, you'll get keys to Qualify directly alongside us for

Free, and so much more!

Just click above or below to learn more, and we'll scope you out on the other side.

157
 Thank you page

This has truly been a ride for me, and I'm super excited to meet you all. We will be able to climb no

matter where we are or where we're starting. We’re In This Together. This is a digital climb, and we

are all One push button away from each other at all times. So let's do this one step at a time. I

appreciate your love, support, and feedback, and know that this is only the beginning for us all.

Ephesians 2:8-10
New International Version
8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift
of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in
Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

158
In honor of Floretta Sutton

159
 Where You Can Find Me

@M.J.McIntear

@M.J.McIntear

@M.J.McIntear

@InBedDuringCovi

160