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    1 views29 pages

    The Bro Code by Barney Stinson

    Uploaded by

    Amar Chellihi

    Copyright:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Download as PDF or read online from Scribd
    Flag for inappropriate content
    of 29
    INTRODUCTION ether we know it or not, each of us lives life governed by an internalized code of conduet. Some call it morality. Others cal it religion, Fall it “the Bro Code, For centuries men have attempted to follow this code with no universal understanding of what such an arrangement meant: Is itokay to hug a Bro?’ If I'm invited to a Bro’s wedding, do I really have to bring a gift?" Can I sleep with a Bro’ sister or mother or both?* Now, for the first time on paper, [ have recorded the rules of social decorum that Bros have practiced since the dawn of man... if not before. The Bro Code previously existed on an oral tradition (heh), so I have journeyed the globe to piece il ‘orthor od wanscribe the seatered fragments ofthe Bro Code, span only wo llesh i out myself (double heh). WATIEROT ‘tealrgto-writeaGrrideto-Being-« Bro,” men should reat ‘t auchand pase this compendium of knowledge fromrone- ‘cosration to the next Ihave litle doubt it would bring a tear ‘omy eye. Burnor out oft. That would be a violation of Article AEA Bronevercries, "148 my hope that, with a better understanding of the Bro Corte, Bros the world over can pue aside thee differences and “trengthen the bonds of brotherhood. tis then, and onl ly then, ‘hat we might work together as ome to accomplish pethaps the ‘most important challenge society faces—getting lai. Before isnvissing-this pursuitas crass lavewithourthe sport in menwillingly-have sex Tor the sole purpose ol screaming babies? ig €0 Batig chicks, would producing smelly, Centuries from now, when a Bro applies the rudiments of the Bro Code-to score a three-boobed future chick, the only thanks I'll need is the knowledge that I—in whatever small ‘apacity—Bro'd him out... though if he could figure out how to bring me back to life, hat would be pretty awesome, too, —Barney Stinson ORIGIN hile the story of the Bro Code is not nearly as ~ 7 ‘ ly mS Mh ») simple and elegant as God handing down some U c stone tablets to Brose, its origins weave all the (das myo way back to the dawa of humanity. . . ‘ myyee ~tnthe beginning there was no-Bro Code. awhich was unfortunate for the world’s first Bros—Cain and Abel Lacking > 7 ¢ 1 agreed-upon set of social principles, Cain killed Abel Wnt c and committed history's first Broicide, As punishment Cain foo lye 0.0 mK, ‘G23 doomed to walk the earth alone, Why? Because without a wingman, he had absolutely no chance to meet chicks, 7 j ON .. un Centuries later a Bro from Sparta and a Bro from Troy go 4 \ ina fight over chick named Helen. ! know, “Helen” doesn't Oocnnnan Qa sur hor, but allegedly she had a “face that hunched a thou: Cana sis © You can just jmagine what her rack was like, The 1880 Bros waged a terrible war over this chick—a war that could 'n avoided had the Bros been familia-wich the most 1 Code: Bros before TOs. Toy pur up a goad fight, bue the Spartan RIVAL very powerful. Soon hordes of Spartan seamen burst through the Troh and Helen got half the for the next eighteen years, —~ Hundreds of years liter, appropriately in Philadelphia \, alice known delegate named Barnabas Stinson scratched on parchment what is now considered the (the City of Bro Lo satliestattempr to record the Bro Code. Over the years Bros a ee. Vv Gord have amended and added rules, but Stinson’s elegant words | * & Fe J / ‘emain as the glorious preamble tothe Beo Code / (es ( KZ ne While the original document is housed two stories beneath sea level in an undisclosed, vacuum, sealed, bullet- proof chamber, I was able to gain access long enough to ‘manufacture this replica WHAT IS A BRO? ‘u've probably heard the word “Bro” used liberally at your local bar or gym. Perhaps you've seen it reck- lessly confused with “dude” or “guy” in an adventuce- themed soft-drink commercial, Maybe even you yourself have ‘unwittingly cossed out a “Bro” when asking a stranger for the Sime, But an important distinction must be drawn: just because a guy is dude, doesn't mean that dude is a Bro. Qe What is.a Bro? A: A Bro is a person who would give you the shirt off his back when he doesn't want to wear it anymore. A Bro is a person who will bend over backwards to help you bend someone «lse over backwards. In short, a Bro isa lifelong companion you can trust will always be there for you, unless he's got something else going on. Q: Who is your Bro? As Your mailman isa Bro, your father was once a Bro, and the boy who mows your lawn represents the Bro of tomorrow, but that doesn’t make him your Bro, When someone has {hithfully upheld one or more of the codes in the Bro Code, then you may consider him your Bro, Warning: Exercise caution when bringing home a hot chick—your brother may ‘or may aot be your Bro. Q Can only dudes be Bros? As You don't need to be a guy co be somebody's Bro, provided you uphold the moral values contained within this sacred canon. When a woman sets a guy up with her busty friend, she's acting as a Bro. And if she sets him up with other hot Friends after he slept with the first one and never called her again, then she’s offically his Bro, BROCABULARY While Bros {fe always encouraged to spread the truth of the Bro Code, they are also cautioned against overusing “Bro.” Such Broliferation cheapens the important mission of this book and, nearly as important, makes you sound stupid APPROPRIATE “BRO” USAGE INAPPROPRIATE “BRO" USAGE Nabroleon Broun of Arc Tom Brokaw Brobara Walters Bro Jackson Bro J. Simpson Teddy Broosevelt Geraldine Ferrarbro Broce Springsteen Broko Ono Se 3 = ARTICLE 1 = Bros before ho’s. he bond between two men is stronger than the bond. between aman and a woman because, on average, men ae stronger than women. That's just science DID YOU KNOW... | | Artie! can trace its genesis all the way back to | Genesis\No, not the Peter Gabriel Phil Callin py triad, but the biblical book. The discovery ofthe Dea Sea earliest infringemb of the Bro Code, BOdKOF BAKGABAS | And everything of mufeas provided in the Garden documents the g | Fruit, ester, compar, | sponanaed chs and red her olive leaf. And so | Adam wenteth bebind an apple eego know Eve, totally ditching bigBro, Phil, who had Knick vickets. Courtside | Long stay short, humankind became selPrascare, para dise fas lost, and well, we all know what bapgened to (Knicks But one day, Adam came | i ‘i _— = ARTICLE 2 = A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as Tong as the rest of his Bros are all doing it. NOTE: Had Butch Cassidy come charging out of that cabin alone, people would have been like, “Dude, come on.’ tf only ‘one Spanish dude had decided ro eun down the street in frony of a bunch of angry bulls, people would've been like, “Dude, someon. If only Tommy Lee had worn eyeliner in the early days of Motley Criie, people would have been like, “Lady, come on." The license to be stupid is why we have Bros in the first place = ARTICLE 3 = If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown, COROLLARY: Naming a la character from a Steve Met Bro from the spire of this a spdog after a pro wrestler of a Queen movie does not absolve a tice = ARTICLE 6 = A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room. COROLLARY: If a Beo sets naked in the locker room, all ‘other Bros shall pret tend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening while at the same time, immediately awerting their Gres: When in doubt, remember the old adage: “If 1 vowel *o the tloor, so should your eyes.” ~ ARTICLE 8 5 A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro. Te ae no seatiments between Bros that cannot be articulated ‘through the convenience and emotional distance of electronic mail. The following are a few emails for any Brocassion that suc. nctly get the message across without costing you the trouble and expense of having to find and then send an actual geceting card EMAILS FOR ANY BROCCASION SYMPATHY [te be From: Bro | } Subject: Dude INGRATULATIONS | pom GET WELL SOON To: Bro | From: Bro (Subject: Bro, . HAPPY BIRTHDAY To: Bro From: Bro Subject: Dude {— [Drinks on me, Bro, THINKING oF You [ee Na From: NIA | subjects NA INA * ARTICLE 15 = A Bro never dances with his hands above his head, oo > ARTICLE 16 = A Bro should be able, at any time, to recite the following reigning champions: Super Bowl, World Series, and Playmate of the Year. = ARTICLE 19 = A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro’s sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, “Dude, your sister’s hot!” COROLLARY: Ie probably best for everyone if Bros just hide pictures oftheir sisters when other Bros are coming ove. CHECKLIST FOR BRO-PROOFING YOUR HOME + Hide all pictures of hot sisters, 2. Display all remote controfson noms, and fst cousins. the coffe abl, regardless of A Open liquor bottles and functionality. dlusethe bar area o give the) Disconnect answering machine, impression you actually useit, or 4 Asacourtesy, move printed Call Mom an hour before your porn from the bedroom to Bros ative the bathroom. F Coasters, coasters, coasters! Sein DVR playlist andremove 9 sien out of email ccomrg embarrassing television pro sher giefriend/booty cal rams lke daytime clk shows, 7 Usher gitiiend/boory cll off the premises, 2 Open all windows. a 3 Were take excllene Bros, Why? Because they can translate sel navigate the confusing and comprise the Chick Cou | MA chick shall no sleep with another ‘hick’ ex-boyfriend, unless she does | WA chick Never pays for anything. Ever IF 3.0 chicks get int a igh, they shall | make Wf achick hears a chick-emposerment song like “I Will Survive,” she shall stop whatever she's doing, grab another chick’s hand, and shriek the Iyries a the top of her hangs. MA chick may geta dog as a pet, but only it Fits in her mailbox. Wf ewo chicks are wearing the same outfit, cach retains the eight co accidentally spill drink on the other A chick shall not operate a motor vehicle ima safe manner. WA chick has a free pass to slur itup on Halloween. 35 - ARTICLE 24 = When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o'clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped. ae ~ ARTICLE 25 = A Bro doesn’t let another Bro get a tattoo, Particularly a tattoo of a girl’s name. als Srerage lationship hetween 3 man anda woman lists sight three days, The relationship between a man and f Metime and must be nurtured, Because a5 we all kno Targest and second most important organ a man hay his skin lasts a 1, the skin is the BARNEY STINSON’S FIELD GUIDE TO TATTOOS _[ TRANSLATION “Hey, everybody, look at me! Not only heve made the foolish | make of coosing u bftime of monogamy, but U have | permanently Branded myself offlinis > ARTICLE 41 = A Bro never cries, EXCEPTIONS: Watching Field of Dreams, ET, or sports legend retire a ~ ARTICLE 47 = A Bro never wears pink. Not even in Europe. ee = ARTICLE 62 = In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven't purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has dibs, If they're the same height, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet Broshambo' shall determine dibs, provided the chick is still there. > ARTICLE 104 = The mom of a Bro is always off-limits. But the stepmom of a Bro is fair game if she initiates and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing ... provided she looks Sood in it... but not if she smokes menthol cigarettes, > ARTICLE 108 = If a Bro forgets a guy’s name, he may call him “brah,” “dude,” or “man,” but never “Bro.” —____ > ARTICLE 122 = A Bro is always psyched. Always, f you'ee having trouble geting psyched, or you necd to get a Bro 4 syched, you can always make yourself a "Get Payched” mis £ 4 CLASSIC “GET PSYCHED SONGS You Give Loves Bad Name” “Rock You Like a Hurricane —Bon Joi Scorpions } “I Wanna Rock” —Twisted Sister “Come Sail Away" Styx i “The Humpty Dance” “Frce Bid” (second half only) ‘ Digital Underground Lynyrd Skynyed it “Don' Stop Belevin"” Journey “Panama” —Van Halen i “You're the Best Around” “Jesse's Gel” —Rick Springfield ‘ poe Esposivo “Talk Ditty to Me” Poison o “Tick It Up" — Kiss “Thunderstruck” AC/DC A “Para Cty" Guns N'Roses -iish erecene : “Tom Sawyer" —Rush —Damin Yankees ‘The Transformers Theme” “Hip Hop Hooray" Vinee DiCola with Naughty By Nature Optimus Prime “Dr Feelgood” —Motley Crie 3 “Dancing with Myself” ~Billy Idol “Round and Round” —Rate ‘ =a, 156 ___— VIOLATIONS i ‘ ‘ulations of the Bro Code may result in a fine uf up to 2: i Vi rome saves, permanent dis-Broment, Unreolbedisputes wer the Bro Code may be submited vis email to the lnernat ct i Court of Bros at boeneystinson@barneysblog.com, provided net ssputes include pictures of the chicks involved But only itthey te hhor— the chicks, not the disputes There sno greater affront co the spire of the Bro Code than a willing violation, While « recasionally 2 Bro may err due to inebriation, 1 momentary lapse of judgment ot ita chick is so hot that other Bros i j i would say “he didn't really have a choice,” any premeditated infraction | {lth Bro Code is inexcusable, When 3 Bro volte the Bro Cod he {urs pot ony his Bros but ao hic, because he is no longer Bo J worthy. ; {CS important to note that there are no tenets of the Bro Code thar B cannot be discussed in

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