Dedications

To every inner-city kid who feels trapped

To every kid who has grown up thinking they are not smart enough
To every person suffering from drug addiction
To every victim of rape or molestation
To every kid who struggles with low self-esteem
To every homeless person
To every country town kid who doesn’t believe they can make a huge
impact on the earth
To every little girl who doesn’t know how beautiful she truly is
To every athlete suffering from depression and cannot talk about it
because you are told to just get over it.
To every parent who grew up without parents and trying their best to be
a parent without any know-how
To everybody who has lost a parent or a child
To every single-parent household
To every Educator who feels they are not serving a purpose. You are all
warriors, and I cannot thank you enough
So many others, this is for all of you.
 CONTENTS
Introduction
Chapter 1: Endure Hardship of a Good Soldier
Chapter 2: Trapped
Chapter 3: The Environment
Chapter 4: A Brother’s Bond
Chapter 5: Adolescence
Chapter 6: Keep Going
Chapter 7: Too Much
Chapter 8: Just Get to the Game
Chapter 9: Lost
Chapter 10: In Time
Chapter 11: Disconnected
Chapter 12: Redirected
Chapter 13: Friendship is Essential
Message from the Author
Know Where You Are Headed
Prove It
Now
Reconnect By Serving Others
Believe in yourself and all that you are and know that there is something inside
of you that is greater than any obstacle. - Christian D Larsin

Introduction
Throughout our life, we often hear the term perseverance and form a
picture of a warrior fighting a battle and overcoming all the obstacles in their
way. We see this sometimes without realizing our life is full of these spiritual
battles. These spiritual battles could care less about how successful you are or
how bad you are doing. If you’re moving up in life, its purpose is to pull you
down. If you’re down in life, its purpose is to keep you there and to isolate you
so that you cannot realize that someone else has gone or will be going through
the same thing. To explain, let’s look at the Yin and Yang symbol below. There
are different interpretations of the symbol, but for the book, I'll explain it this
way.

The white side represents the positive side of life (higher vibration).
Inside the white side is a black dot (lower vibration) which represents the
spiritual enemy or negativity being present within the higher vibration. That
negativity has one purpose: Bring it down. The black side represents (lower
vibration), inside the black side, is a white dot (higher vibration) which
represents the positive side always trying to pull you up. In simpler terms, no
matter how high you get, something will always come in and attempt to pull you
back down, and no matter how low you get, something or somebody will always
come in and attempt to pick you back up. However, the most important part of
this symbol is the line in the middle. The line in the middle represents “The
Middle Path.” Have you ever heard the phrase “Walk the middle path?” The
middle path, in my view, is understanding. It is simply saying, travel through
this life with an understanding that this is just the way it is. There is no changing
it; you can only change your view of its purpose. In the story, you will see this
play out repeatedly. No matter how dark it gets for the main character, someone
will always be put in place to bring him up spiritually. Yet, when he finally
believed in himself and was headed in the right direction, something was always
put in place to pull him down.
 As you read, please view these pages from a spiritual perspective and
leave all judgment out. Become one with the character through his ups and
downs. Place yourself in his shoes.

I often tell people at funerals, “There is wisdom in this type of pain.” I

learned this from personal experience. For everything I’ve experienced on this
earth, I have gained a better understanding of the reason I had to experience it.

Let every soul who places their presence upon these pages be blessed
with many mansions in the heavens and on earth through spiritual wisdom. As
always, I will continue to send positive energy your way through the almighty
frequency of LOVE!
 1
Endure Hardship of a Good Soldier
Dillon’s first memory on earth was a scream. He can still feel that
moment when he woke up, looked around, and started to observe his current
place of existence. It was as if his spirit was instantly put into a body, and he
had absolutely no time to prepare himself for what came next. The scream came
from another room in the house. As the voice continued to say very loudly,
“Don’t kill him, please don't kill him.” He remembers his mother sprinting past
the door to assist the situation at hand. When he walked out of the room into the
living room, there was his brother, Daniel choking a close family member. As
people tried to pull him away, he seemed to get stronger, and the look of
absolute anger filled his eyes. The negative frequency throughout the entire
house was terrifying. Trying to understand what was going on, Dillon
remembers asking himself, “What is this place? I don’t like this.” Suddenly, he
could almost feel a spiritual presence watching him saying, “I’m so sorry, I
must leave you, but you will understand in time. You will understand.” When
the presence started to fade away, he felt as if he was being trapped all alone in
this reality. Dillion begged to go back to the place he arrived here from, but the
more he called out for the spiritual being to return, the more the feeling of true
unconditional love started to fade away and what replaced it was fear. Even at a
young age, Dillon knew his journey here would not be a good one. He knew it
was going to be completely different from where he was previously.

Later that night, Dillon laid down beside his mother and asked her, “Is it
always like this here, and how do you leave this place?” Confused, she didn’t
understand why a 5-year-old would be asking a question of that nature.
Realizing his mother's confused state, led to his next question, “Mother, are you
aware that this place is not our true home?” She looked him in his eyes for a few
seconds and said, “I must protect you. You know something many people here
have no idea about, and even though I cannot completely understand what you
are saying, I know there is something there.” Dillon replied, “Ok, but can you
answer my question? Is it always like this here, and how do we leave this
place?” She replied, “No, you will smile and also experience love, but you will
also endure hardship, loss, and sadness. It’s all included in this package deal
called life.” He asked again, “How do we leave?” Her reply was, “There is no
leaving. You must emotionally fight the things you’ll see here and pray things
will get better one day.” Although he didn't like her answer, he did however
love her genuine nature as she spoke because it reminded him of something he
once knew. Dillon made his mother promise to protect him, and she responded,
“That’s what mothers do.”

The next morning, he walked into the living room where the commotion
was the previous night. His brother, Daniel, was lying on the floor. Next to him
were different bottles of alcohol and other things that Dillon didn't understand at
the time. As Dillon walked over to him, Daniel woke up and said, “D, hand me
that bottle.” Dillon did what his brother asked of him. Daniel sat up and started
talking to Dillon about the previous night. He mentioned that his current life
was the result of choices he made and admitted that most of them were bad. As
he talked, Dillon could feel the anger and regret in his spirit. A feeling he could
tell his brother wanted him to avoid. He spoke about his past and things that
were done to him by people who were close to him, including our family
member whom he had an altercation with the previous night. His words had a
way of making Dillon feel completely uncomfortable because of the negative
frequency associated with them but he also had a way of making you listen. He
ended the conversation by saying, “People are sick and full of a disease called
hate. That’s why I’m so messed up, I guess. As they hate me, I hate them back.”
Looking into his eyes, Dillon could tell this was not his brother’s true nature; it
was the result of what this reality could do to you. So, as he listened, he took a
mental note to never allow this experience to put him in that condition.

Their mother then walked in and told Daniel to stop filling Dillon's head
up with all his mess. Daniel then went into defense mode, grabbed his bottles of
alcohol, and stormed out. After he left, his mother cooked breakfast, but while
cooking, she cried. Dillon asked her what was wrong? She replied, “He was
once you, but somewhere I failed him, and I didn’t protect him enough.” She
said, “I remember he used to draw pictures of himself hugging me and telling
me how much he loved his mama. Now, all he does is make me worry all day
long. I fear he will eventually destroy himself and while doing so, it will destroy
me inside.” Dillon asked, “Is there any way I can help him?” She said, “Only he
can save himself, only he can change his ways.” Dillon pondered on her words,
“Only he can save himself.” and he couldn’t understand how that wasn’t a
simple thing to accomplish. From that moment, Dillon observed and analyzed
people as a hobby. He obviously knew there was something different from this
reality, but what baffled him was the more he watched other people’s behavior,
the more it became clear they didn’t know at all.

Over the next few years, he watched his mother cry so much that he
thought it was a normal thing to do. Dillon would rub her back to show
compassion. Despite this, the more he tried, the more the environment would
have a way of slapping his help gestures in the face. His mother spent most days
worrying about how to pay bills and putting enough food on the table to support
a household of 7 people. In addition, most days were spent listening to
neighborhood arguments, loud screams from people having emotional
breakdowns, gunshots, and fights throughout the night. For Dillon, growing up
in the inner city was like being securely chained to the energy of fear and
sorrow, while being placed in a cage with the only view being that of
disappointment and pain. To him, there was no escape. From police officers
telling young kids as they passed through the neighborhood, “You’ll all be in
prison one day!” which would successfully kill their spirits while they were
trying to play, instead of making them feel safe and showing them how to avoid
taking that route. Dillon, as a young boy, would just sit back and watch it all.
Before long, his mother feared his brother would expose him to the drug world
because he would always come around high and intoxicated. Little did she
know, he had already gained a curiosity about drugs because the only time his
brother and friends would seem happy was when drugs were involved. As an
observer, Dillon often wondered why that was the case. That curiosity led him
to his mother’s worst fear.

One night, his mother had fallen asleep early and left him up with his
big sister, Janice, and her son, Ryan, who was the same age as Dillon. They
were both 8 years old at that time. Janice knew Ryan and Dillon were fine all
alone in their room, so she became comfortable and fell asleep. Once Dillon saw
she and Ryan were asleep, he walked outside to view an argument occurring
between his brother’s friend and a neighborhood drug dealer. As he watched
them yell at each other, he noticed his brother walking into a house about 4
houses down the road. So, like a young boy who wanted to be with his big
brother, he headed in that direction. As he got to the door, Dillon encountered a
smell he could never forget. It smelled worse than anything he’d experienced.
When he entered the house, there were no lights. The streetlights shining
through the windows were his only way of seeing just enough to maneuver
through the house. Dillon noticed there was no furniture, so everyone was
scattered throughout the house and sitting on the floor. Although he could feel
and see the silhouette of about 7 to 8 people, no one was talking. There was a
strange silence and as he walked through looking for his brother, he became
frightened as he looked and began to see the people’s faces. It was as if they
were alive and dead at the same time. The people on the floor would only look
up at Dillon for a second, lay their heads back, and close their eyes. Already
frightened, as he turned around, he could see his brother sitting under one of the
windows in the living room of the house. Dillon walked close to him and saw he
also had his head back with his eyes closed. Dillon just stood there. When he
opened his eyes to see his little brother standing there, he looked at him and
shook his head slowly. Dillon sat next to him and laid his head on his big
brother’s shoulder. Daniel started whispering, “I’m sorry D, I’m sorry.” Dillon
didn’t quite understand what he was sorry for. All he could feel was a fear so
deep he didn’t want to move. Dillon laid there until his brother stood up and
took him back home. Daniel didn’t say a word to Dillon the entire walk home;
he simply walked him to their door, opened it, let him in, and closed it.

The next morning, Dillon could hear his mother yelling at his brother.
“Get out! Get out!” echoed through the hallway. Daniel must have felt so bad
about Dillon seeing him in what his mother called a “Crack House” the night
before. He confessed to her what happened. She was furious. In her mind, he
intentionally took Dillon there and didn’t believe he had walked there to find
him. She screamed, threw magazines at him, and fell to her knees in sorrow.
Dillon had seen his mother down before, but this was different. Deep down,
Dillon felt like he had gotten his brother in trouble. So, he started crying out to
him that he was sorry. Daniel just kept saying, “I’m sorry, Mama. I’m sorry.”
She pushed him out of the house, threw all his clothes on the concrete driveway,
and demanded he never come back. Daniel’s cries through the window
saddened Dillon. He felt like he wanted to scream, cry, and vomit all at the
same time. As his mother continued to scream, “Leave, leave,” Dillon walked
towards the window where his brother could see him. When Daniel noticed
Dillon in the window, he approached him and said, “D, if I don’t die out here in
these streets, I promise to do better for you. I promise to change my life for you.
But if I don’t make it, just know to never be like me. Make mama proud in a
way I could never, little bro.” He put his fist up to the window and said, “I love
you, bro.” Before Dillon could even say it back, he was gone. He did not know
where his brother was going, but he knew he wouldn’t see him for a while, if
ever again. Dillon walked over towards his mother and tried to calm her down,
but at that point, she was drowning in her own reality of pain. Dillon walked
back to his room, sat on the bed, and again asked whatever placed him here to
come back and save him. He got no response. Sadly, he placed the cover over
his head and cried himself to sleep.

That summer, Dillon asked his mother about his daddy. He asked why
he didn’t come to see him. His mother looked in his eyes and said, “He has his
ways, but he is your dad.” Dillon didn’t understand exactly what she was trying
to say, so he quickly asked if he could go stay with him. She responded, “I will
contact him, and you can go stay with him, but remember, he is your dad, and
he has his ways.” Dillon responded, “Ok.” That weekend she dropped him off
far out on the east side of the city. His dad’s girlfriend greeted them at the door.
She was a sweet lady, and Dillon liked her energy. His mother sat and talked to
her for a while before his dad showed up. When he entered, Dillon quickly felt
exactly what his mother spoke of. She knew Dillon had a spiritual gift of
understanding energy. Dillon recognized his dad’s energy was definitely
different. His mother told his dad to bring Dillon back Monday morning. His
dad agreed and Dillon watched his mother pull out of the driveway. The first
night there, he was excited because he was with his dad, but that didn’t last long
at all. His dad was clearly not as engaging and compassionate as his mother. He
had a firm, no play, and you do what I say kind of spirit. Dillon got a full dose
of that with nothing held back. While sitting on the couch watching TV, he
screamed at Dillon to sit with his legs in a certain way. In fact, everything had
to be done a certain way. His way or you’d suffer the consequences. His
girlfriend often tried to console Dillon as he would try to do things the way his
dad asked, but only to fail his expectations. He would scream, “Boy, are you
slow or something. How hard is it? Get out of my living room. I’m tired of
talking to you.” Dillon didn’t understand what to do. That night, he told Dillon
to brush his teeth. He explained he should put the toothpaste on the toothbrush,
dip it in the baking soda, and brush. Dillon followed all his orders, but when he
came in and saw some toothpaste on the faucet, he lost it. He pushed him
against the wall, pointed at the toothpaste, and screamed at him while literally
being right next to his face. Dillon froze in fear. He then pushed Dillon into the
room that he was to sleep in and slammed the door. Terrified, he lay there and
didn’t move for a while. Dillon wanted to run away to find his mother, but he
didn’t know where he was. Laying there, he listened to him and his girlfriend
fight the entire night. He thought to himself, “Here I was happy to be away from
the stresses of home with my mother only to find myself in a worse hell with
my dad.”

The next morning, he was awakened by his dad’s girlfriend. She helped
him brush his teeth the way his dad would approve and showed him other things
to do his way. She also reminded Dillon that he will never be completely happy
with anything, “It’s just the way he is,” she said. At that moment, Dillon
realized exactly what his mother was saying. It was Saturday morning and
Dillon’s only intention was to find a way emotionally through the next two
days. When his dad returned later that evening, he started right where he left off.
Arguments with his girlfriend and giving Dillon demands just to say you’re not
doing it right. It was so frustrating; he was constantly in fear. By mid-day
Saturday, Dillon was afraid to move because he just wanted his dad to forget he
was there. That night his dad left for a while and while he was gone, Dillon
watched television with his girlfriend. He realized not only was he more at
peace in his dad’s absence, but she was as well. She laughed with Dillon and
talked to him about different things. She also drank alcohol heavily and the
more she’d drink, the more she would talk. In one conversation, she told Dillon
that his dad has a way of running people away from him. It’s as if he’s more
comfortable being the villain and he gets a kick out of it. She stated, “I think
deep down, he’s full of love, but he doesn’t know how to accept that feeling and
runs from it at all costs. He doesn’t like to show any signs of love.” Again,
Dillion didn’t understand this because his mother was so full of love. Dillon
continued to listen to her talk until he fell asleep. Deep down, his dad’s
girlfriend needed someone to talk to. Even though Dillon was only 8 at the time,
she could feel his spirit was genuine and she liked seeing a small part of his dad
in him. Even more, she loved knowing he would just listen to her and not yell
out demands. Just as she woke Dillon to put him in bed, his dad was back. His
first words when he entered were, “Where is that slow boy at?” She quickly laid
him in bed and told him to close his eyes and act as if he was asleep. He did.
When he opened the door, he looked in on Dillon, walked up to the bed, and just
stared at him. Dillon could feel his bad energy. He walked off and slammed the
door so hard that it closed and popped back open just enough where Dillon
could see into the hallway. Dillon whispered, “Come get me, mama, please
come get me, mama.” Suddenly his dad and girlfriend begin to argue. He could
hear him pushing her against the wall. By this time, he was so scared, he began
to shake. Dillon tried to close his eyes as tight as he could, hoping it would
make him fall asleep and make everything just go away. As his dad screamed at
her, Dillon could tell she was trying to get away. He opened his eyes and saw
him choking her back into their room and tossing her on the floor. She screamed
at the top of her lungs, “I’M TIRED OF THIS.” I’M TIRED OF THIS.” He then
heard a dresser open, heard a click, and a quick silence occurred. His dad started
saying softly, “No. No, I’m sorry. Take it easy now. I’m sorry. Put the gun
down.” Dillon watched through the door as she backed him into the hallway
with a gun to his forehead. Hands up, his dad then pushed the door completely
open and said, “Don’t kill me in front of my son.” She was so angry at that
moment she wasn’t blinking and absolutely showed no emotion. She simply
stared right into his eyes and held her finger on the trigger. She told him to lay
on the floor, placed the gun at the back of his head, and said, “I’m leaving you.”
She looked at Dillon and said, “Don’t ever be like this man.” She walked
backwards, pointing the gun at him. Once she got into the hallway, she closed
the door, left out the house, got into her vehicle, and drove off. He never once
spoke to Dillon as she was leaving. He just got off the floor, closed the door
behind him, and left Dillon in the bed crying. The next day he drove Dillon back
to his mother, told her something came up, and they had a great time. He
hugged Dillon and left. Dillon’s mother was so happy he was back and asked
him about his time with his dad but he never told her anything. His only reply
was, “I don’t want to go back.” His mother was very wise, so she knew it was
something and whatever it was, she had to protect him from it going forward.
 2
Trapped
Over the next two years, Devin showed early signs of anxiety and
depression. He was always in constant fear of his dad showing up to take him
away. Also, life with his mother was far from peaceful. To Dillon, his mother
and sisters seemed to be the only people on the block who didn’t do drugs. At
night, looking out his window was like looking out into hell. A neighborhood
full of zombies, it seemed. One night as Dillon looked out his window, a drug
addict was standing right outside and asked if he had any money. Dillon was
nine years old now and all he could think about daily was how much he hated
his environment. After a while, his emotional struggle started to affect him in
school. He was held back one grade because he showed no signs of retaining
any information. When his mother got the letter that he was being retained, she
didn’t understand how to tell him. Once she let him know, Dillon asked, “Am I
dumb?” As tears rolled down her eyes, she said, “No, you just learn differently.”
Believing her words was easy to do, but at school, it became harder and harder.
Being held back was embarrassing for Dillon. The reality made him resent
being on a campus. Because of this, Dillon viewed school as a place that
reminded him how dumb he was, instead of being a place to learn. Kids
constantly picked on him because being a quiet kid made him an easy target.
Dillon spent his school days not wanting to be there, but he was also conflicted
because he didn’t want to be at home either. He felt caged in a world of
embarrassment, sorrow, and fear. Teachers would often give him handouts to
do, and instead of completing the assignments, he’d just write his name at the
top, and the word, “Help” at the bottom. One day his teacher, Mrs. Gibbs, saw
this and asked if he was ok. Dillon looked up at her and looked back down at his
desk. She asked specifically, “Why do you always put ‘Help’ at the bottom of
your handouts?” His reply was, “Because I don’t know how to do it.” Mrs.
Gibbs could tell something was not right, so she acted in her own way. One
evening, Dillon was at his mother’s job when Mrs. Gibbs walked in. She went
directly to Dillon’s mother and talked to her. They hugged and his mother kept
saying repeatedly, “Thank you, thank you.”

The next day at school, Mrs. Gibbs told Dillon that he would spend the
next few weekends at her house. She said she had grand kids his age that can’t
wait to meet him. Dillon was excited. While there that weekend, Mrs. Gibbs
watched as Dillon played with her grandchildren. She watched Dillon become a
completely different kid. Smiling from ear to ear, Mrs. Gibbs was just happy
that Dillon was happy. That night as she put everybody in bed, she sat with
Dillon and told him, “No matter how much you go through, I want you to keep
that same smile and excitement you had out there today. You are different and
there is nothing wrong with that. One day, you are going to do great things on
this earth, and I hope I’m still around to see it.” As she spoke, Dillon looked
into her eyes and felt her spirit was pure. Every time she would drop Dillon off,
she would tell his mother, “There’s something about him. I don’t know what it
is but it’s something.” His mother would reply, “Yes, I agree.”
 3
The Environment
That summer, he gained friendships in the neighborhood. This was a
time in his life when he learned about peer pressure and how a terrible
environment can reshape your view of life. Most of his friends had absolutely
no male figures in their life. Most of their dads were in prison, dead, drug
dealers, or drug addicts. Because of this, young boys acted out in any way
possible to prove to themselves that they were the male figures missing in their
life. Dillon initially viewed himself differently from the other kids. He would
hang around them long enough to laugh at a few jokes and shortly after, he’d try
to sneak off back home. However, that didn’t last long in inner-city
neighborhoods. In inner-city neighborhoods, the more you tried to avoid the
other kids, the bigger of a target you became. Like weak prey or food, as they
would say. Similar to a prison, in these types of neighborhoods, you either pick
a group to hang with and accept their enemies as yours, or you avoid any groups
and become everybody’s enemy. Dillon learned the hard way. Dillon walked to
the corner store one day and purchased what he could with the inconsiderable
amount of pennies he had found. He watched as the clerk counted the pennies
and gave him what he could afford. On the way back home, before he could
unwrap one piece of candy, his entire bag was snatched. He knew either this
would happen every day, or he would have to become a part of the world he saw
outside his window. So, just like that, he conformed to the ways of the kids in
the neighborhood.

In his group, he was the youngest. He observed and followed whatever

they would do. In the summer mornings, they would all meet and prepare to
steal items from local stores. Everybody would have a specific assignment on
any day. To avoid being caught, different kids would go to different stores at
different hours in the morning. Every kid would be responsible for a different
product and a specific amount of that product to steal. The oldest kid in the
group would give the assignments and after they met, they would head out to do
what they viewed as their job. Once they were all finished, they met in an
abandoned house to split everything. Everybody had one of each product. If
there was anything left over, they saved it for the next day. One day, the police
arrested one of the oldest in the group. Seeing the lights and hearing the sirens
woke something up in Dillon. He watched as the police handcuffed and put him
in the car. Although, he didn’t yet view that as something to fear; he did,
however, not like the energy associated with the thought of the same happening
to him. At 10 years old, it was hard for Dillon to see anything for what it truly
was. As the summer continued, it seemed like every day offered a new
opportunity to learn a bad habit. From breaking into houses, dice games played
with stolen money, fight circles where everybody would meet and call others
out to fight, drug dealing, drug usage, and many other things. The world was
already pulling on him and he was too young to see it that way. One day, while
walking with one of his friends, Karnell, they watched as a car backed out of
their driveway. Karnell told Dillon to keep walking down the road. Karnell then
made his way to the back of the house as the car drove off. When they met up
again in one of the abandoned houses on the street, Karnell had stolen many
things from the house. Dillon asked him, “Bra, why do you do this type of
stuff?” Karnell replied, “Man, whenever I ask my mama for stuff, she screams
at me to leave her alone, get out my face, or don’t ever ask me for anything
because I don’t have it, while slamming the door in my face. I feel horrible
every time. It’s like I ruin her day just by asking, so instead of asking for stuff
now, I just go take it. Ain’t nobody screaming at me when I break into a house.
In fact, nobody says anything to me. I’ll never ask my mama for anything else,
ever. I’ll just go take whatever I want from someone else without them
knowing.” Listening to Karnell explain himself made Dillon sad. Karnell was
12 years old and already consumed by the environment. At that moment, Dillon
knew they were not headed in the right direction. Their environment was
sucking all the good out of him and he didn’t understand how to fight it. As the
years passed, Dillon began to cry out nightly for the spiritual presence that
placed him here to come back and get him. He often fell asleep saying, “Why
am I here? I want to leave.” But day after day, no response. He’d wake up,
watch the rats run into the holes in the wall, and shake his head in frustration.

Over the next three years, his mother would try to remind him of the
conversation they had years back and how different Dillon was, but after some
time, Dillon no longer believed anything she said. He would often reply to his
mother, “If I’m different, why am I in this hell?” She would reply, “To make a
difference.” Dillon would shake his head and walk out the door into a jungle of
negativity. By 12, he saw no hope for himself or any of his friends’ futures.
Everything about their reality was built on the assumption that either one day
it’ll get better, or one day we’ll all end up in prison. They were lost and even
though his mother took him to church, he viewed God as a man in the sky
laughing at everybody struggling.
 4
A Brother’s Bond
One morning, his big brother, Daniel, called. This was the first time
he’d heard from him in almost 4 years. His energy and his voice were full of
life. His first words, “D, I miss you, bro. I’m doing well now. I live in Seattle, I
have a job, and I’m back on my feet.” Dillon smiled and said, “I love you, bro.
Come home when you can and take me riding.” He responded, “Yep, let’s do
that.” Dillon handed the phone back to his mom, and she and Daniel talked for
hours. Dillon hadn’t seen his mother this happy in years. He embraced those
moments because they didn’t happen often. When she hung up, she put on some
music and danced. She was so alive, and for Dillon, it was amazing to see. He
envisioned his brother coming home in a nice car, picking him up, and taking
him far away. That thought stuck with Dillon and he kept it at the front of his
mind for hope in the future.

A few weeks later, while watching TV, the phone rang, and his mother
picked up. After his mother said hello, things got quiet, so Dillon turned around
to see what was going on. He saw tears in his mother’s eyes, the slow shaking
of her head, and her blank stare into space. He knew whatever it was; it wasn’t
good. She hung up the phone, sat down, put her head in her hands, and looked
down at the table. Dillon’s immediate thought was, “What now?” Dillon was so
used to seeing her spirit down, he nearly just kept on doing what he was doing.
He didn’t want to hear any more bad news. However, he asked, “What’s going
on?” She responded, “A police officer shot your brother in Seattle,
Washington.” Dillon looked at her and said, “Is my brother dead?” She said,
“No, but the hospital was just calling to let me know things will most likely not
turn out well.” Dillon was confused. His thoughts took him to the window
conversation when Daniel told him, “D, if I don’t die out here in these streets, I
promise to do better for you. I promise to change my life for you.” All he could
see now was his brother lying in a hospital bed dying and he could do nothing
about it. The hospital called back and said he was in a coma and things still
weren’t looking good, but he could survive. Dillon’s family started preparing to
drive up to see him. Right after she hung up with the hospital, another call came
from someone affiliated with the police department in Tacoma, Washington.
They told his mother that his brother was mistaken for a burglar who had
robbed a place 2 blocks down and although he didn’t have anything that
matched the description of the man, our officer assumed it was him. His mother,
already stressed, responded, “Then why was he shot instead of arrested?” They
replied, “I’m sorry, mam.” She screamed into the phone, “You're sorry! My son
is dying and you're just sorry!” They said they would call back with more
information and hung up. Confused and wanting answers, his mother spent
hours just sitting by the phone and staring at the wall. His mother requested
money from anybody who was willing to pitch in to support the drive up to
Seattle. Finally, they had enough for the trip. They jumped in a rented van and
headed for the Pacific Northwest. On the way up, Dillon loved seeing Mount
Shasta and Mount St Helens. Seeing the mountain woke something up in him.
He’d never known such beauty existed on earth. He was used to roaches, rats,
and seeing drug addicts all day. This was different. He stared in awe as they
passed the mountains. He kept asking his mother, “Can we just build a house at
the top and stay there?” She’d smile and say, “That doesn't sound so bad at all.”
Almost an hour outside of Seattle, the hospital called with good news. They said
his brother was out of his coma and in stable condition. The van was full of
tears of joy as they made their way to the hospital. Dillon enjoyed watching his
mother smile. The closer they got, the more his mother would explain to him the
true nature of the situation. She told him that his brother had been shot two
times in the back and the doctors are still not sure if he would ever walk again.
Also, one of his lungs was destroyed by one of the bullets, so he wouldn’t be the
same brother they once knew. Quickly, Dillon started realizing the image of his
brother doing well in his head (an image of him coming home to take him
riding) was clearly not the case anymore. The reality was, his brother was now
fighting for his life and for a 12-year-old kid, it was hard to accept it.

When they arrived downtown, the traffic was crazy. It was 1997, and
Michael Jordan’s Chicago Bulls were playing Shawn Kemp’s Seattle
Supersonics in the NBA Final. Michael Jordan being in Seattle that day caused
traffic to stand still for hours. Once they finally got to the hospital, Dillon’s
mother stopped to prepare him for what came next. He told her he was ready to
see his brother no matter what condition he was in. They headed up stairs and
once they arrived at his room, his mother went in first. Before Dillon went in,
the nurse stopped him and said, “He keeps talking about his little brother and
that you’re back home, so I don’t think he knows you’re here, let’s make you
the surprise.” Dillon could hear his mother crying, and he could hear his brother
talking to her. He became afraid of what was on the other side of the door.
However, after about 4 minutes, the nurse walked him in, and Dillon had to face
it head on. His brother had already amazed the doctors by being able to sit up
and talk. What happened next showed them just how much of a fighter his
brother was. When Dillon walked in the door, and his brother saw him, he stood
up. The doctors were yelling, “No, stay in the bed!” Disobeying their orders, he
walked about 4 steps towards Dillon and embraced him with a hug so tight,
Dillon couldn’t breathe for a second. Dillon cried like a baby after seeing his
brother with tubes going in and out of his body. Everybody’s face in the room
was full of tears. As he hugged Dillon, he cried out, “I asked God to just let me
see my little brother one more time.” He spoke loudly into the room, “Thank
you God! Thank you God!” At that moment, he felt the spiritual presence close
to him. Finally, the spiritual being was back, and he could feel it smiling. Once
his brother laid back in the bed, his mother walked him down to the café to get
something to eat. She kept noticing him looking away, not eating, or paying any
attention to her. She asked, “Are you ok?” He responded, “Yes” but deep down,
Dillon was just trying to understand everything.

Back home, his brother was trying to cope with only having one lung
and a stiff leg that he would have to carry as he walked. This frustrated him to
the point of depression. One night, he was going to the bathroom, tried to close
the door behind him, and ripped some of the tubing right out of his body. He
screamed so loud that anybody within a mile away could hear him. However,
hearing someone scream for help was nothing new in that neighborhood
because people seemed to have mental breakdowns all the time. Hearing his
screams, Dillon and his mother ran into the living room to find Daniel laid out
on the floor in pain. He cried, “Why did he shoot me, mama? Why did he do
this to me?” As his brother screamed, Dillon watched his mother breakdown.
Her cries, along with his brother’s cries, sent chills through his soul. He
couldn’t describe that feeling because it was the worst feeling he had ever
experienced. It was like watching someone die while dying yourself. His mother
grabbed his hand and cried out, “God help me. Please, God help me.” At that
moment, Dillon’s heart became filled with hate for life. Watching his brother’s
pain spew out through his words. His brother yelled to the heavens, “Is this
what happens when you try to do right? Is this what you do to people who try to
change?” For Dillon, this was a horror movie playing out right in front of him.
 5
Adolescence
As the years passed, Dillon rebelled against anything good in life. By
9th grade, he focused most of his attention on trying to avoid any emotions
within him. He found it was easier with alcohol, smoking, and taking downer
pills. His mother tried to preach and send good energy his way as a reminder to
not to fall victim to the world, but he ignored all her attempts. In the classroom,
he was still struggling. Labeled a hothead, he stayed in detention because of his
stubbornness. Deep down, he didn’t think any of his teachers disliked him; he
thought maybe they just didn’t understand how he stayed in his own way.
Although he hadn’t heard from his dad in years, and regardless of how their last
encounter ended, he still wanted him around. He thought maybe he needed that
tough love. However, after a few drinks, he would stared at the wall and hoped
he’d never reach out to him ever again. He was drowning in a sea of destructive
energy and the only light was the next drink, the next smoke, or the next pill.

By his 10th grade year, he was becoming well known for his athletic
ability. His mother noticed he enjoyed playing the game of football, so she
insisted he take it seriously and pursue it with all his heart. Although he was still
living a corrupt teenage lifestyle, he was very productive in football and track.
Being an outstanding athlete came easily, so he didn’t respect his gifts and took
it all for granted. One morning in class, one of his teachers, Mrs. Odell, was
passing out grades for a previous test. As she walked up to his desk, she handed
him his test, which showed that he failed. She then looked into his eyes and
noticed he was under the influence of drugs. She stared at him for a second and
walked back to her desk. Mrs. Odell sat there for a while, and as he looked back
up at her, he could tell his actions bothered her. He thought, “Here I am, a
talented young kid who could not care about anything. My grades, my image,
and most importantly, my life all meant nothing to me.” Before the bell rang,
she walked back up to his desk and praised his athletic ability and said if he put
some effort into schoolwork and changed his bad habits, he could easily play
college football. He didn’t say a word back to her, but what she said at that
moment played a considerable part in his life going forward. Hearing something
so genuine from a person outside of his family meant a lot to him. Although he
continued to do the same things, he always remembered her words.

That summer, Dillon was dropped off at his residence in the early hours
of the morning. He spent the previous day with friends, drinking and smoking.
When he arrived home, he fell in the front door, knocking over everything in
front of him. After hearing the commotion, his mother woke up and couldn’t
believe what she saw. As she cried, Dillon continued to crawl into his room. She
cried out, “Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t do this to me… Please, we’ve been
through too much already, don’t do this.” Dillon heard her cry but was too far
gone to respond. The next morning, he woke up with the previous night heavy
on his mind. Dillon thought of all the pain his brother put his mother through
and saw himself headed in the same direction. He finally reached a point where
he wanted to go in the right direction. He walked into her room, apologized, and
told her she would never have to worry again. While he knew his mother had no
reason to believe him, her smile was all he wanted to see.

During his junior year, he made a name for himself on the football field.
In October, his mother called him in the room to inform him of some terrible
news. She said that his brother was sick with cancer and that they had to go see
him. When they got to him, Dillon sat and talked with him about his promise to
their mother. His brother said that he believed in him and asked him a question;
He asked “D, would you like to go to heaven after you die?” Dillon replied,
“Yes.” His brother responded, “Well, live the hell out of your life, bro!” He then
talked about his journey, his struggles, and why him keeping that promise to
their mother was so important. His words stuck with Dillon the entire drive
home. When he returned, he wrote “Live the hell out of your life” inside of all
his notebooks and his football gloves.

After football season was over, he prepared for track season. Before
heading to the stadium to run the bleachers, he bumped into his childhood friend
Mykel. Mykel was one of those friends who was always full of energy. Excited
about how good Dillon had played the previous year, he spoke about the
expectation the neighborhood had for the next season. They laughed and talked
about childhood memories. Before they split, Mykel told Dillon to keep shining.
Two nights later, while sitting in his room watching a football game, the phone
rang. About a minute later, his mother walked into the room and put her hand on
his shoulder. As he looked up, he could tell something was wrong. She said,
“It’s MyKel.” As he reached for the phone, she replied, “No, he’s gone.”
Confused, he said, “What do you mean he’s gone? I just talked to him?” She
said, “Gunshot wound to the head, he’s gone, baby.” Dillon remembered being
in a frozen state. He stared at his door for about 10 minutes before any emotions
came out. At his funeral, the last conversation they’d had played repeatedly
through his head, and all the childhood memories made the tears roll nonstop.

Two weeks later, his mother walked into the school. He could tell by
the look on her face something was wrong. As he walked closer towards her, he
noticed her eyes were red and looked as if she had been crying. The vision he
once held in his head of his mother smiling faded as he saw her crying, and it
bothered him. When he reached his mother, he asked, “What's wrong?” She
replied, “Your brother died in his sleep this morning.” Dillon laid his forehead
against his mother’s forehead, and they cried together. Dillon hadn’t even
accepted the thought of his friend’s death. Yet, he was forced to face the fact
that his brother was also gone. Dillon told his mother he still wanted to go to
class, hugged her, walked towards his locker, and collapsed in sorrow. At his
brother’s funeral, Dillon thought about all the memories they shared. The
memory that stood out the most was when his brother called and said he was
back on his feet and doing well. Thoughts of how his brother changed his life,
and all he got in return was two-gun shots in the back and a life of pain angered
Dillon. None of this made sense. Again, he wanted to give up and throw in the
towel, but something was urging him to fight on.

The next morning Dillon ran a few laps around the school despite how
cold it was. While running, he told himself to stay on a positive path. One place
he knew he could go was to his high school football stadium. He could sit at the
top and be alone. He would pray out to the spiritual being and ask for guidance.
Some nights he would look up at the stars and say, “If you’re up there please
help me stay positive on this journey and protect me from all negativities.” The
stadium became a place of security for him. A place where he could go to
ignore worldly issues and focus on goals. In addition, his mother not only hurt
that she lost a son, but more upset that her youngest son lost his big brother, did
what she thought would heal her son and found contact information for a big
brother he had never met, Donell. After reaching out to Donell, he agreed to
meet Dillon at the state track meet that spring. When he first saw Dillon, he just
smiled because he knew he was looking at his little brother. Even the coach that
walked with Dillon to go meet Donell was in awe at the resemblance and
couldn’t believe they’d never met each other.
 6
Keep Going
After successfully showing off his talent at summer camps and a good
senior football season, Dillon was offered a full scholarship to a division 1
university. His mother and sisters were so proud of him, and he really enjoyed
being a light amid the struggle of his entire family. He got a chance to be his old
elementary teacher, Mrs. Gibbs, teacher’s assistant for credit during his last
semester. He told her how much he appreciated her every day for taking him in
as a child. Before heading out to school, he made one last visit to the football
stadium. That night, he listened to police sirens and watched as friends he had
grown up with ran across the field to avoid being detained by the cops in
pursuit. Shaking his head, he told himself, “I’ll never come back to this place.”
He looked up at the sky and whispered repeatedly, “Keep me away from here,
please keep me away.” He spent a few hours in that stadium. Before heading
home to finish packing his bags, he walked out to the middle of the field, fell to
his knees, and thanked God for putting him in this position. The next morning,
he was off to college and was not looking back.

That summer, Dillon excitedly arrived at the college campus. His

mother cried every 30 minutes of the 4-hour drive. As he was about to hug her
and begin his life away from home, he reminded her of the promise he made
and told her he would be fine. After getting assigned to a dorm room, he headed
down to meet other incoming freshmen and upperclassmen football players. He
formed a great relationship with a teammate, Ivan, who was from the same area.
They discussed things they were going to accomplish and all the beautiful
females who would be on campus. They became so tight you would rarely see
one without the other. During two-a-day training, Dillon started off slowly, but
after a while, he showed proof of why he was recruited by the institution. Fall
camp ended with a team scrimmage. In that scrimmage, he led all defensive
players in tackles and made many big plays. The coaching staff all greeted him
on the sideline with encouraging words. He couldn’t wait to call his mother that
evening to tell her the great news and to hear her voice. His mother was at work
and was so excited, she passed the phone to all her co-workers so they could tell
Dillon how proud they were. He said he was going to the café to eat, and he
would call after he finished his first day of class. He hung the phone up and
walked with his teammates to the café.
 That next Monday was the first day of classes and, being an inner-city
kid, he was up early and ready for campus life. Sitting in class, Dillon was quiet
but extremely proud of himself. He was miles away from home, sitting in
classroom lectures and football meetings. He felt accomplished and couldn’t
stop smiling with teammates preparing for the rest of his life. While walking
through campus, he was blown away with all the students sitting under trees
studying. He thought, “Man, they are really committed to this school stuff down
here.” For Dillon, the culture was different. He had seen nothing like it, and it
was both uncomfortable and inspiring at the same time. When he made it to the
room, instead of calling his mother, he just smiled and fell asleep.

On the second day of classes, he was sitting in the athletic advisory

building waiting to see his advisor. As he waited for her to call him in, he read
the newspaper article about the last scrimmage. All his teammates were
enjoying themselves and since he did well in the game, they were celebrating
him. Dillon sent the write up to his mother through email and she responded by
showing everyone who came into her job at the library. Dillon smiled at the
thought of his neighborhood being excited for him. As he was smiling, the
advisor called for him to come in. She told him that after the last official NCAA
Clearinghouse review of his high school transcript; it was determined that he
was academically ineligible to play this fall. Dillon was crushed and couldn’t
speak. He asked, “So what do I do now? Go home.” She said, “No, you stay
here and get your grades up and play in the spring.” After she informed him of
the responsibility he still had with the program, Dillon walked out. When he got
to his room, the head coach called him back to reiterate his responsibilities in
the future and to express Dillon’s need to lock down in the classroom and how
much they wanted him in the program. After hanging up, his thoughts
immediately went back to his freshmen and sophomore years of high school. He
remembered how he accepted barely getting by and not trying. He shook his
head in anger. “It’s all caught up with me,” he thought. While closing the blind
to his dorm room window, he could see his teammates going to team meetings
and practice. Seeing this hurt his soul. He closed his blind, sat on his bed, and
embraced every negative thought that came.

The next day, Dillon tried to convince himself to fight through this
situation. After telling his mother, she told him to stay positive and to keep his
head up. But, as the days went by, he became frustrated with only being a
student. Dillon struggled with the class assignments and didn’t feel as if he
could pass the courses. He felt alone, and eventually, he started showing early
signs of depression. He stayed in his room all day, and when he had to leave, he
only walked routes he figured he could avoid teammates and people he knew.
He started having thoughts that he shouldn't be a college athlete, that he wasn’t
smart enough, and that maybe he was too far out of his element. Eventually, he
stopped answering the phone whenever his mother would call. He would still
attend morning weights and evening study hall with his teammates, but he never
felt like he was a part of the program. He failed to see all the people still rooting
for him because all he focused on was the problems and not the solutions.
 7
Too Much
Right before Christmas break, his mother called and said she was happy
he was coming home for the break. She figured he just needed to get away and
clear his head. The first night, his mother cooked and danced to music. Dillon
enjoyed seeing her smile, so he felt better for a moment. However, later that
night, she continuously complained about stomach pain and wanted to get it
checked on. The next day, his sisters took her to the hospital, and when they
returned, they dealt him another blow. When his mother walked in, all the
energy in the house just seemed to stop. Dillon’s sisters had tears in their eyes,
and Dillon just stared at his mother, waiting for her to speak. His next words
were, “Cancer.” Dillon was struck with a sad and sick feeling. His mother
walked back to her room, crying. Dillon, not knowing what to do, goes for a
walk around his neighborhood. He knew this was bad. When he walked back
into the house, he walked into his mother’s room. He asked if she would still be
around to see him play college football like he promised he would. She said,
“I’m definitely going to try.” Dillon kissed her on her forehead and walked out
the room.

The next morning, the phone rang, and it was the head coach from the
university. Dillon answered, and the head coach expressed disappointment with
Dillon’s grades for the semester. His words, “Dillon, I got your grades and what
I see is unacceptable.” It confused him how Dillon had done so poorly. The
coach said that Dillon wasn’t going to be able to take part in any spring
activities and that all Dillon’s time should focus on grades. As Dillon hung up,
he lacked the belief in himself to get his grades up. He knew he didn’t know
how to ask for help, and he knew he was stressed. Dillon walked into the
restroom, locked the door behind him, and let the tears roll down his face. His
mother’s health was slowly fading in the wrong direction and so was Dillon’s
self-image. It was all too much for him.

When Dillon returned to school, he met with his advisor, and she told
him to stay around his teammates, so he could remember he was a student
athlete. However, he was already mentally in the wrong place. Every day, all he
thought about was his mother’s condition. He started missing classes and even
when he attended, he would be so late that his teammates would shake their
heads in confusion. Dillon would only go to the café when he thought no one
would be there, and although he was still obligated to do study hall and morning
weights with the team, he never went. He was depressed, and no one could see
the fight going on in his head to understand. After reaching out to Dillon a few
times, his mother realized her son was struggling. She suggested he transfer
home to the HBCU where she attended to play there the next season. Dillon
agreed. That spring, he drove home to surprise his mother one weekend because
they had the next Monday off. When he walked in on his mother, the first thing
he saw was all her beautiful hair had fallen out because of chemotherapy. She
was so excited to see him she cried and stated she was lonely all the time. She
then asked if Dillon would hold her hand while she walked through the house.
His mother didn’t take well to the chemo, and she spent most of the day
vomiting. Dillon held her hand the entire time he was there. Although he never
let her see him show any signs of worry, every second was killing him inside.
On the way back down to campus, Dillon cried the entire time and had to exit
the highway frequently. He just wanted to take care of his mother. When he
finally made it back to school, there were about two months left in the semester
and every day seemed like a year. He put a thick blanket over his window so his
room could stay dark throughout the day. Many of his teammates knocked on
the door looking for him, but Dillon ignored them. He didn’t understand what
his mind was doing to him and didn’t know how to fight it.

He arrived back home that summer. The first few days, he hung out
with a lot of childhood friends and talked about playing at the HBCU. Everyone
was excited that he transferred close and talked about coming to the games to
see him play in the fall. He enjoyed seeing his boys again. However, he noticed
things hadn’t changed at all. Everyone was still smoking, drinking, overusing
pills, and doing all the things he left in his past. He hadn’t touched a drug in
over 3 years. Amazingly, ven through his struggle at the university, he made it
through his entire freshman year of college drug-free. One day, a few friends
and relatives were hanging around the house. After one friend mentioned he was
going fishing outside the city, Dillon agreed to go. As Dillon walked past his
mother’s room, he could hear her crying. When he walked in, she said, “It’s just
the chemo, I’ll be ok.” When she reached out to grab his hand, he could see her
hands shaking, and the look on her face was a look of unbearable pain. Dillon
told his mother to be strong, and she cried and said, “I’m trying, I’m trying.”
When he walked out, Dillon put his head down and he couldn’t see any good
going forward. When he and his friends headed out to go fishing, a friend
noticed his mother’s condition was getting to Dillon. Being in an environment
where everyone seemed to indulge in alcohol and heavy drug usage, he knew
nothing else to do, so as a way of trying to console Dillon, he offered a beer,
Dillon accepted, and that one beer turned into much more. He started with one
24oz beer a day. After a week, it was at a six-pack a day, and after a month, he
was drinking whatever he could get his hands on. Less than two months later,
He was back smoking weed, and taking downers. He told himself that he would
stop before football season, but after getting his grades from the university, he
was again ineligible to play that fall at the HBCU. Disappointed, Dillon was in a
free-fall, and he saw nothing to grab hold of on his way down. After he told his
mother about his grades, she said the HBCU would probably be a better fit
anyway. She looked at him and said, “Now focus, and get ready for their Spring
game.” Dillon hugged her and promised to get on the field for her.

When classes started, the first few weeks were ok. The culture was
different there, and he felt it was a better fit. The courses were much smaller,
and it allowed professors the opportunity to have personal relationships with
students. During lectures, he would often sit in the back of classes, hoping to
avoid any socializing. He was an introvert, and the fight with depression made
him want to be less social. One evening, his professor stopped him as he walked
out of class and asked why he didn’t speak or participate in classroom lectures.
Dillon didn’t even know how to respond, so instead, he just shook his head,
shrugged his shoulders, and disrespectfully walked off. After classes, he drove
to his hometown and sat with his mother. She would always remind him of the
promise he made to keep him motivated. She would also talk to him about
forming a better relationship with his dad. So, Dillon called him a few times that
semester, but after almost a decade of no contact, they didn’t even know how to
communicate. Most conversations were about sports, and whenever Dillon
would try to talk to his dad about depression, his dad would go into a rant about
how he needed to snap out of it. This angered Dillon, because he just needed
someone to talk to. Dillon ignored the fact his dad was never in his life because
he just needed him at that moment. As a result, he stopped talking about what he
was going through with anybody, and as the days went by, he started overusing
more pills, alcohol, and marijuana to cope with watching his mom suffer and
not being able to play football.

In the fall, his mother and family made it down for the Homecoming
game. As he sat in the stadium next to her watching the team, he remembered
looking down at the field, wishing this was the moment he could finally be in
uniform and pointing up at her in the stands. He wanted to see her smile, since
that was his motivation and what kept him going. He looked back on all the
time wasted and told himself to get it together quickly so he could play in the
spring game. She expressed to him that day how much she wanted to see him
play again and stated that if he fought for her in the classroom, she would fight
to survive for him. He put his head on his mother’s shoulder, and they ate
peanuts and talked for a whole quarter. She enjoyed herself that day.

The next few weeks, Dillon attended every class and did everything
possible to make the grades he needed to take part in spring football. To ensure
he was more social during class activities or lectures, he would put clear alcohol
or white wine in a water bottle and drink it while in attendance. To get weekly
assignments done and avoid drugs, he would complete them beside his mother
because he could get nothing done on campus. When the semester ended, he
was so thrilled to see he made the GPA needed to play in the spring. His mother
was so excited. That Christmas was so full of excitement for his family as they
talked about the upcoming spring game.
 8
Just Get to the Game
The next semester started, and Dillon was excited about spring ball.
One morning, his mother called him and asked if he would come home because
she wanted to ask him something. He immediately drove home because he had
about 3 hours to spare before his next class and didn’t want to stress all day on
what she needed to talk about. When he walked in, she was sitting with his
sister, Janice, and she told him to close the door. His mother said her cancer was
getting more aggressive and was not going away. She grabbed Dillon’s hand
and asked if she could stop taking chemo and let God do his will instead. She
looked into his eyes and said, “I don’t want to hurt anymore, and I’m ok with
leaving and being with God whenever he takes me.” Dillon said he understood,
and that he didn’t want to see her go through this anymore. She cried and
looked up at his sister, who was crying and said, “He’s strong”. When he got
back to campus, it weighed heavily on him. As he walked amongst a crowd of
students laughing and enjoying college life, he thought, “Why can’t I smile?”
Every day, he felt more isolated in pain and his depression worsened because he
held it all in.

By the time spring practice had started, his mother’s condition was
clearly worse. The spring game was only two weeks away and although his
mother was getting ready to pass from this life, he held on to the slight chance
she would make it to the game to see him complete his promise. He would drive
up to see her every day during the first week of spring practice, and although
every second saddened him, he never once let her see him cry. There would be
times when he would sit with her as she moaned in pain and he would smile at
her and say, “Soon the pain will be no more mama.” She would smile back and
grab his hand. Whenever he couldn’t take it anymore, he would pretend to use
the restroom. After walking in, he’d lock the door behind him and fall on the
floor in tears. Dillon always kept clear eye water drops on him to hide the
redness in his eyes. Although she said nothing, as a mother, she had to know.

Whenever he was on campus and away from her, something as simple

as the phone vibrating or ringing caused his heart to drop. Every time his phone
rang, he believed it was someone calling to tell him she had passed. One
evening while sitting in class, he received a call from the house where his
mother was staying. Seeing the number on his phone bothered him so much that
he walked out of class early in a panic and went back to his house. When he
made it to his room that day, he took two Tylenol PM pills and laid down to fall
asleep. While he was sleeping, he had a dream. In this dream, he watched his
mother fight off lions, bears, tigers, and many animals. As she fought, she kept
Dillon behind her. They ended up at a house in the middle of the jungle, and as
she walked in the door, she stopped Dillon before he entered, and said, “No
baby, it’s your fight now, you must go on and fight for love.” She kissed him on
his forehead and closed the door. Dillon woke up from the dream and drove
home. He feared the dream was letting him know his mother was gone. He
rushed in the door, and surprisingly, she was there. Dillon told his mother about
the dream, and she said, “It’s almost that time.” He laid with his head next to
hers for about three hours, and the only reason he left was to make it practice on
time. He arrived at the facility for training and performed horribly. Struggling in
just about every way possible, He grew more and more frustrated. He just
wanted his mother to see him play that upcoming Saturday.
 9
Lost
The closer Dillon got to his mother’s passing, the more he would
envision she was well and finding something to wear to his game, like old
times. The next day, he called her excitedly and said, “Mama, the spring game
is tomorrow. Are you ready?” she replied, “I’m sorry baby, but I’m too weak. I
won’t make it.” As he cried, trying to hide it, he said again, “Mama, the spring
game is tomorrow. Are you ready?” she again replied, “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m
too weak and cannot make it.” As he cried, he asked one more time, “Mama, I
made a promise. Please tell me you’re ready to see me play tomorrow?” Again,
she said, “I’m so sorry, baby. I can’t make it.” She listened to him try his best to
hide his emotions and then said, “I have to hang up the phone now son because I
would like to leave this earth happy, I don’t want to leave sad.” Barely being
able to talk, he mumbled out, “I understand mama.” She said, “I love you, and I
will always love you, son.” and hung up. Dillon sat in the parking lot and cried
for two hours straight at a local store near the HBCUs campus. He thought
about how he let his problems get the best of him and detoured him away from
his promise to his mother. His mother passed away not too long after that spring
game, and she never saw him play one down on a college football field. Before
she passed, she left him with one message, “Son, regardless of what people
chose to do with their life, just love them anyway. Just love people, son.”

That evening, after they had taken his mother's body away. He walked
back to the room and looked at the bed she once laid on. As he walked through
the hallway, he mentally prepared himself. His mindset was to be strong and to
use this time to reminisce on all their conversations. Not knowing what he’d
feel when he entered, he walked in and stared at the bed. At that exact moment,
he heard his aunt say, “Where’s Dillon?” Someone said, He went back into the
room. She said, “No!” She rushed back there and as soon as she entered, he fell
in her arms and started sobbing. He cried out, “Where did she go? Where did
she go?” His aunt said, “She’s at peace now, baby. She’s home”, Dillon,
sobbing, “She’s gone TT. She’s gone.” His aunt held him like a baby as he
cried. When he finally got himself together, he drove to his friend’s house,
where they put together a cookout for the neighborhood to come and celebrate
his mother’s life. His mother was like a mom to everyone in the neighborhood,
so when he arrived, everyone in the house cried and hugged him. Later that
night, he got away from the crowd to think. He walked to his neighborhood park
with a bottle of liquor in one hand and a football in the other. As he entered the
park's fence, he could feel the presence of the spiritual being watching him. He
asked, “What am I supposed to do now? You put me here for all this chaos and
now the only person who could keep me levelheaded is gone. What do I do
now?” He could feel the being’s energy, so he screamed out, “What do I do
NOW!” The presence placed two words in his head. The words were, “IN
TIME.” Not understanding, Dillon lashed out, “In time what! Take me away
from this place.” As he screamed at the spiritual presence, its energy faded away
into the dark sky. Dillon, sitting on the ground with his head down, felt as if all
was lost.

The morning of his mother’s funeral arrived. Dillon watched everyone

who his mom took care of put a rose in her casket. The roses filled the entire
casket which meant a lot to him. He watched friends he grew up with kiss his
mother’s forehead to show their respect. His mother would often step in to serve
a parent’s role for kids after their parents had passed away or been sentenced to
long prison terms. Seeing them show respect put his mother’s life into
perspective. He held strong for most of the funeral, but at his last viewing of her
body, he held his sisters and sobbed in sorrow. While leaving the family
gathering, he realized he had been given at least 10 bottles of liquor. In their
culture, that was a normal thing to do for a young man who had just lost his
mother, brother, and good friend in a 3-year span. Not smart, sure, but that was
the thing. After drinking and hanging out with everybody, he told everyone he
was going to his sister’s house to lay down. Instead, he headed back to the rent
house he’d been in while attending the HBCU. The rent house was about 25
minutes up the highway, so he thought it would be a good place to get away
from everybody and clear his head.

On the way there, a police officer pulled him over. The officer walked
up to the driver’s side and said, “I’m pulling you over for speeding. Could you
please pull out your license and insurance?” Because it was nighttime, the
officer flashed his flashlight into the vehicle. On the back seat were all the
liquor his friends and family had given him at the gathering. He then put the
light in Dillon’s face and asked that he explain what he was looking at. Dillion,
with a calm voice, replied, “Officer, there's nothing you can do right now to
make my day any worse.” The officer replied, “Explain young man.” Dillon
replied, “I just buried my mother today, so whatever it is you’d like to do with
me, it’s fine. Arrest me, shoot me like my brother, or beat me to death and leave
me here in the street. It doesn’t matter, sir.” The officer eased up on his
aggression and said, “Do you have a funeral program with you, young man?”
Dillon replied, “Yes.” The officer looks at the program and says, “I knew your
mother. She worked at the parish library, correct?” Dillon replied, “Yes.” The
officer said, “You’re that youngest boy she always talked about?” Dillon
replied, “Yes, sir.” The officer said, “Your mother was there for me 15 years
ago when my mother passed away, and she helped me get into college by
showing me how to research different majors.” A tear then fell down Dillon’s
face. The officer says, “Get out of the car, young man.” Dillon gets out and as
the officer hugged him, he cried in his arms. The officer repeatedly said, “It will
be ok young brother. Make her proud.” He then grabbed all the liquor bottles off
the back seat and put them into a bag he had gotten out of his car. Afterwards,
he agreed to follow Dillon to the house and make sure he arrived safely. The
officer pulled into the driveway, flashed his lights, and drove off.

With only two weeks left in the school year, the emotional stress placed
on Dillon was so overwhelming that he ignored his schoolwork because his only
focus was playing the spring game that he wanted his mother to see. To make
matters worse, the first week after the burial of his mother, he didn’t attend any
class. He sat in his room drinking beer and taking downers to stay in a relaxed
state. The next week, his Aunt Cynthia called his phone and asked how classes
were going. He lied and said things were good, but he knew he was way behind.
He committed to attend all his classes during final’s week. While doing so, one
of his professors asked where he had been. He replied, “Stressed.” The
professor thought it was strange for Dillon to make such a notion in front of the
entire class because the professor knew that Dillon rarely spoke up. She asked if
he wanted to talk about it. He replied, “I’m fine.” She replied, “Ok, well are you
ready for this final exam because I’m willing to give you a few extra days”
Stubbornly, Dillon responded, “I got it.” Dillon was so gone spiritually and
emotionally, that he didn’t know how to accept any help or just simply didn’t
believe in the possibility of others being able to help. After he finished that test,
he knew he would fail, but instead of accepting the professor’s extra time, he
just turned it in and walked out of class.

After that week was over, he finally thought about his condition and
how he was not going in a good direction. His mind took on the identity of a
failure who believes that no matter how hard you try, the world is against you.
He got his grades for the semester, and, of course, he failed every class but one.
Sitting in his truck, scared of what his life was becoming, he swallowed his
pride and drove to the football complex to ask the coaching staff for help. When
he arrived at the facility, written on the board in the team meeting room was a
roster of all the players expected to play in the fall. He found the Defensive
Back list, which included around 19 names, but none of them his. Emotionally
destroyed by this, he walked into the coach’s office and explained he’d failed
most of his classes for the semester and asked if they could help get him funds
or some assistance for summer school to gain his eligibility back. They
responded, “There's nothing we can do.” Dillon responded, “If I have to sit out
another year, I won’t make it.” The coach said, “We’ll see what we can do, but
I’m not sure if anything is possible to get you able to play in the fall.” Dillon
slammed the chair and said, “I need help, man!” The coaches yelled, get him out
of here. Dillon stormed out and walked to the top of a hill above the stadium
and thought to himself, “See I told you. Why try? You are just another nig**
from the hood. Nothing more, nothing less.” That day served as the official
turning point in his life. He no longer tried to fight depression. He became
depressed. Dillon drove to his old neighborhood’s football stadium, sat at the
top, and drank an entire bottle of E&J while also chewing a Xanax pill. After a
few hours of sitting there, he fell asleep at the top of the stadium and woke up
around 1:30 am, staring up at the Orion’s Belt constellation in the night sky. He
picked up all traces of him being there and headed back to his rent house.

He arrived back at campus, unlocked the door to get in the house, and
realized the utilities had been turned off. Blindly finding his way to his room, he
walked in, opened the window, and allowed the streetlight to provide a little
visibility. As he laid in the bed, he took a deep breath, and tried to rest his mind.
Drained, dehydrated, and physically weak, he fell back asleep. The next
morning, a loud knock on the door awakened him. It was the landlord. He didn’t
answer it, but just let her leave. After she drove off, he opened the door to find
an eviction letter. He realizes they were 3 months behind on rent and are being
asked to immediately leave this house within a week of the day. Dillon shook
his head, laid the letter on the counter, and laid back down. Later that day, the
other resident of the location came in and saw the letter and got his things out.
Dillon had a truck, so they moved everything they could to his mother’s outdoor
shed. Dillon took his things to his sister's house. Even though everything
pointed towards Dillon moving into his sister’s house, Dillon had other plans.
His thoughts were simply, “I have a place to go now where nobody will bother
me for a week.” He headed back to the rent house near campus with no light, no
water, and absolutely no energy. He went to the store and bought a 24 pack of
beer, a few bags of chips, and a 1-gallon water jog. Dillon then put all his items
in the house, went to park his vehicle on the other side of the campus, and
walked back so no one would know he was there. During this time,
temperatures reached 100 degrees most days of the week, yet Dillon was there
sitting on the floor drinking beer and staring at the wall. By the 4th night, he
was out of chips and had no more water. He wanted to go out, but by this time,
depression had fully consumed him. He didn’t want to be seen by anyone, so
instead of going out to get something to eat, he walked in circles around the
house. He did that for hours until he heard voices speaking outside the window.
It was a few men from the house across the street. He listened to them talk about
breaking into the house that night because they watched the people who lived
there move out. They were interested in anything that was left inside the
location. You would think Dillon would have let them know that he was there to
prevent anything, but that’s not how depression worked. Dillon grabbed his
Glock 9 mm pistol out of his bag, sat on the floor, loaded the clip with bullets,
and waited quietly on the floor. By 1am, he could hear them walking towards
the house. To get in the house, they went through a large window in the room
Dillon was sitting in. Dillon allowed them to bust the window as he sat quietly
in the corner on the floor. When the first guy put his head in the window, Dillon
cocked the clip, and said softly, “I’ve been waiting on you, come in.” The man
screamed as if he’d just seen the devil looking at him and hurried out of the
window. They’d most likely been watching that house for days and seen no
lights or no sign of activity, so to enter and see someone sitting on the floor with
a gun in his hand had to be the scariest site they could have ever imagined.
Dillon sat, looking at the glass shattered all over the floor numb to it all. He was
in a dark place now and he saw no way out.

Dealing with dehydration, migraine headaches, dizziness, and hunger,

Dillon finally departed the house the next day. His mother had left him a little
money, so he figured he would use it to drive back down to his first college. He
figured if anything could wake him out of this nightmare, it would be that place.
He would see old teammates and remember who he was again. So, he headed
out around 4am in the morning for the 4-hour dive. When he arrived around
9am, he called his close friend and teammate, Ivan. Ivan was the only person he
felt would not judge him but see him as the same person from freshman year,
even though he wasn’t that person anymore. As a freshman, Dillon was drug
free and 190lbs of solid muscle. Now, he did any drug you give him, drank any
form of liquor, and 160lbs. Ivan’s first words when he saw Dillon were, “D, you
need to get back on the weights, bro.” Dillon laughed it off but deep down, he
knew Ivan was a friend who could see he was not doing well. The more Ivan
tried to find unique ways to express his concern, the more Dillon avoided the
energy coming from Ivan. Eventually, Dillon grew frustrated and got right back
on the highway and headed back. On his way out, Dillon thought about reaching
out to Vanice, his close lady friend who he’d had a great connection with while
attending the university. When he transferred back home, he completely cut off
all communication with this young lady because he knew he wasn’t the same
person she was so high on while there. She would call, leave voicemails, and
even talk to his mom while she was sick. He felt bad because he knew she
wanted to know why he wouldn’t talk to her anymore. He decided he’d stop at a
store for gas and call her. Dillon stopped at a store right outside the school’s
campus. When he pulled in, he saw another old lady friend he would hang out
with from time to time. He spoke to her. She waved and kept walking past. He
realized the young lady was not being rude. She had no clue who he was
speaking to her. Dillon’s physical and spiritual appearance was not the same
anymore, so that made him unrecognizable. Feeling completely lost, he again
rejected the thought of reaching out to Vanice to explain his depression and his
reasons for disappearing. He got back in his truck headed back home. The entire
drive back he had one thought on his mind, “What is happening to me?”

He drove by his Aunt Cynthia's house and saw her sitting on the porch.
He stopped and sat with her for a while. She told him to stay with her for a few
weeks and that she only wanted him to feel like he had a true home again. She
advised him to use this time to plan out his future. He stayed there for two
weeks. While there, he sat on the front porch with his aunt, first cousin,
Kimberly, and her youngest son, Brian. They sat and laughed all day long. His
mother and his Aunt Cynthia were very close, so spending time with her meant
the world to Dillon. His Aunt would tell story after story about her and his
mother’s experiences together and Dillon enjoyed it all. Kimberly, his cousin,
had a way of finding humor in every situation, plus her unique and loud laugh
always kept everyone’s spirits up. Kimberly’s son looked up to Dillon because
he, too, wanted to be a football player. Dillon sat up and talked about football
with him many nights. Those moments were good for Dillon because they
reminded him of how important family was. After two weeks, he told his aunt
that he was planning on moving in with his oldest sister, Paula, on the west side
of the city. Dillon and his aunt both knew the west side was the worst place a
young man trying to find his way needed to go, but she knew he was stubborn
and instead of trying to stop him, she grabbed his hand and prayed with him.
The part in that prayer that stood out the most to him in her words was this,

“God, he is your child who cannot see right now. He is blind and cannot see your
unique ways to take someone through darkness so that they may then understand the
true nature of the light. Going forward, God, I ask that you give him a lamp to use while
walking through the valley of darkness, and I pray that lamp helps him open his eyes to
see his path to your kingdom.”

She finished her prayer, kissed his forehead, and told him to make time every
once in a while, to come by and sit with her. He packed his things and headed
for his sister’s spot.

Dillon arrived at his oldest sister’s house. Once he was unpacked, and
in the house, his sister explained the neighborhood. She knew he was a loner, so
she didn’t worry about him hanging out with anybody, but she also knew that’s
who was the target there. Her words, “Don’t go to the stores at night. Don’t sit
in long drive throughs at restaurants at night. Keep gas in your vehicle so you
don’t run out of gas in the wrong spots. Don’t wear solid colors like all red, all
blue or all black.” She knew he was used to the college town or campus life
environment over the last two years and wanted to remind him of simple rules
to stay alive in this type of neighborhood. After she finished talking, she went
off to bed because she had work in the morning. Dillon then got a call from his
nephew, Ryan. Ryan said he was staying over at one of their old friend’s spot on
that same side of the city and asked him to come through. Dillon jumped on the
highway, drove a few exits down, and arrived at his destination. The location
was the ideal spot for everything you would tell anyone to stay away from.
There was heavy drug usage, drug trade, and simply not a place to hang out.
However, he grew up around everybody in the location. When you add that to
his hidden fight with depression, he felt right at home. The first few nights he
was very aware of his actions and slowed down with the drug usage. He came
up with a reason to head back home to his sister’s house just to get away from
everything. He pulled up in his sister’s driveway, sat on top of the truck, and
stared up at the stars. One night, while sitting on his truck, two gunshots rang
out a few houses down. Spooked, he jumped up to see a few teenagers who
were no older than 13/14 years old running out of the house. About twenty
minutes later, an ambulance and police cars surrounded the block. He knew if
he continued to sit there, they would come to ask him if he’d seen anything.
Dillon knew if anyone saw him (a new person on the block) talking to the cops,
he’d be a target. So, he went into the house and got in the bed. He woke up the
next morning, turned on the news, and saw that an older man had been shot and
killed in that house. According to the news, the kids had broken into the house
and shot the man in the chest. He thought to himself, “Damn, the two gunshots I
heard took a man’s life.” Shaking his head, he turned off the TV and laid his
head back. He then realized it was a bad idea to sit in his vehicle late at night at
his sister’s house. As a result, the spot where his friends hung out became his
safe haven.

A few weeks into his move to the westside of the city, his mentor,
Asher, called him up. Asher was a very successful man from his area and heard
Dillon was in the area, so he wanted to help. Dillon respected Asher, so he
agreed to meet him downtown to sit and discuss life. When they met, Asher
took him to set up a bank account and told Dillon to get back into school at the
Community College in the area. Asher worked for the college and helped Dillon
get transcripts, write letters to be put on academic probation for financial
assistance, and everything else that was needed to get in school. When Asher
got the transcript from Dillon’s first University, he looked at Dillon in disgust.
Because Asher was a hardworking, very intelligent, and successful person, he
didn’t understand how someone was doing so badly. Asher’s energy changed
and Dillon could tell he was now questioning his decision to help. Asher said to
Dillon, “The only way you get these types of grades is if you don’t try. I don’t
want to waste my time with all of this if you don’t care.” Dillon replied, “I
understand, but I’ll try bro.” Dillon knew he couldn’t really explain how he did
so poorly because Dillon couldn’t understand what was going on with him
himself. Dillon just kept saying, “I appreciate you man, I just appreciate you.”
Asher took a deep breath and said, “Ok, I’ll help you get in, but from there it’s
on you.” After they submitted everything, Dillon left feeling ashamed and mad
that he accepted the meeting and put himself out there to be ridiculed for his
lack of effort. He used it as an excuse to continue his pattern of drug usage,
quietly destroying himself. A few weeks later, he was accepted in the
community college on academic probation. Dillon was thankful and began
classes that fall. Sitting in class brought Dillon back a sense of liveliness and all
the professors, like how he thanked them before he walked out of class every
day. They felt this was a sign of a nice young student who was very quiet, but
polite and appreciative. However, for Dillon, it was a silent cry out for help.
 10
In Time
He was 4 months into his stay on the west side of the city. His football
career was over, and he didn’t know himself anymore. He went to class, but
only did so to feel normal. Other than his skinny physical appearance, others
knew nothing about his internal struggles. Dillon was very good at hiding what
he was going through because he never liked adding to someone else’s stress.
The thought of bringing any negative energy to another person angered him, so
when approached, one assumed he was on top of things and doing very well for
himself. This was miles from the truth. It had gotten to where old friends who
saw him hanging out downtown talked to him about life and asked him for
advice. Dillon always gave them what he viewed as the best advice and most of
the time simply telling them not to do the exact things he was doing to himself.
They never knew, of course, because he had a way with his words. By
November, he was drinking all day and up all night on ecstasy pills. Ecstasy
pills were a mixture of LSD, amphetamine, cocaine, methamphetamine, heroin,
rat poison, caffeine, dog deworming substances, etc. One never really knew
what was in any specific pill, they just chewed or swallowed them. It was the
drug of choice. Initially, he only took downers so he could sleep his problems
away. After a while, his constant routine was taking uppers, which caused him
to go without sleep for days at a time.

Everybody liked Dillon, because he told stories of the world outside of

the streets and the fact that he spent time in a division-1 college football
program made him a light amongst the helpless. Dillon had a way of inspiring
people to pursue their dreams. Because of his natural trait of making everybody
feel important, he kept a large circle of listeners around him. Most of the people
he hung out with were once talented athletes themselves, but had been expelled
from multiple schools, arrested on or off campus for selling drugs, dropped out
in middle school to support their parents’ drug habits, as well as many other
things, so they never had a chance to further their talents. Dillon represented
what they wished was their route. They failed to see how he was now on the
same path as them. He fell right into the trap that most who make it out fall back
into. One night, one of the usual customers who came by the spot saw Dillon
listening to music and drinking and mentioned he had a few pills, marijuana and
alcohol. He asked Dillon to ride through the city with him and kick it. Dillon
agreed. The night began with good vibes but as the morning approached and
Dillon came down off his high; he realized he was out of his element. Dillon
was surrounded by people he didn’t really know, and every room in the house
contained guns and illegal drugs. He found the guy he was riding with and
advised him he was coming down (feeling sick and coming down from the
effect of the pills). The guy said, “Give me a sec. We are about to rob this
young dude who is trying to be cool and falling asleep on a Xanax pill.” They
waited patiently for the young man to pass out, took everything from his
pockets, took his shoes, his watch, and anything of value. Dillon, who was sober
but sick, by that time, watched as they robbed the young man. He thought to
himself, “What the hell is wrong with this world?” After they finished taking all
of his things, they laid him in the ditch outside. The driver then laughed as he
and Dillon got in the car. Dillon’s heart grew cold after witnessing this.

Although Dillon carried a weapon, he never believed in the “Live by the

gun. Die by the gun.” mentality, but he saw his reality for what it truly was.
After hearing the young teenagers kill the older gentleman in his sister’s
neighborhood, watching the news and seeing people who were normal visitors
to the location they’d hang out arrested for murder, armed robbery, and
experiencing his so-called friends rob a teenager, Dillon went nowhere without
his gun again. After seeing so much in just a few months. His emotions numbed,
and he fell deeper into the bottomless, dark hole he was creating for himself.
Unknowingly, he was again adapted to the ways of his environment.

Trying to grab hold of something, he met a gentleman who worked on

the community college’s campus by the name of Mr. Gerald. Mr. Gerald had a
good spirit, so Dillon felt he was someone he could talk to. He told the man
very little about his struggles, but just asked if he knew anyone who could help
him get a job. Dillon had spent all the money his mother left him on drugs and
needed cash to support his growing dependency on pills. Mr. Gerald gave
Dillon contact information about his friend Marcus, who owned his own
business. Dillon tried to call Marcus, but realized his phone was disconnected.
Mr. Gerald agreed to call from his phone. When Marcus answered, Mr. Gerald
told him that a young brother on campus wanted to speak with him and handed
Dillon the phone. Dillon informed Marcus that he had called about a position
within his company, and he’d love to interview for any spot available. He
agreed to meet Dillon at a restaurant downtown the following day to determine
if he was a good fit for positions available in his company. The next day, Dillon
prepared to drive downtown to meet with Marcus. He was nervous and in no
mood to be around anybody, so he took half of an ecstasy pill he’d saved. After
he downed the pill, he took three shots of vodka. He had once again convinced
himself that the only way he could impress someone or be more social was to be
under the influence. Dillon realized he had nothing presentable to wear. He
searched through a bag of clothes on his back seat and found a wrinkled but
clean shirt and dress pants that didn’t match. A sane person would not dare put
this type of outfit on to go anywhere, so to wear such an outfit to an interview
was a huge No! However, after the effects of the pill set in, and he had no
awareness of anything outside of the way the drug made him feel, not even the
outfit that he had decided against wearing. He put on the badly wrinkled shirt,
which was also untucked, hopped in his vehicle, and headed downtown.

As he drove downtown, he noticed his gas tank was empty, so mentally

prepared himself to walk from wherever his vehicle shut down. He surprisingly
made it and parked around the corner from the restaurant where he and Marcus
were to meet. Once he entered the restaurant, Dillon spotted a man sitting at a
table to himself and was sure that it was Marcus. As Dillon approached the
table, the man stared at him. As Dillon got closer, Marcus shook his head with a
grin and a puzzled look on his face. He proceeds to ask Dillon, “If you are
Dillon, the person I’m supposed to meet, why would you come to an interview
dressed like this?” Dillon responded, “I appreciate you for meeting me bra, but I
understand.” Marcus, shook his head but sensed Dillon’s low belief in self,
asked for Dillon to take a seat. He then smiles and says, “I’m really interested to
know why you thought this was the way you wanted to present yourself.” Dillon
just stared into his eyes. Marcus said, “Ok, let’s start over. Tell me about
yourself?” Dillon replied, “I don’t know, man. I just need a job.” Marcus shook
his head. He knew there was something about Dillon, but he could not put his
finger on what it was. Marcus ended the conversation by saying, “Look, I will
not offer you a position within my company, but I am offering you an invitation
to come to church with me.” Dillon sensed that Marcus was being genuine, He
accepted the invitation, shook his hand, and walked back to his truck. Once he
left the restaurant he thought, “I’ll never see that dude again. I hope I make it
back to the West side of the city with this low fuel.” He ran out of gas five
minutes into the drive.

He pulled into a sports bar parking lot just in time. After maneuvering
the vehicle into a parking spot, he sat and stared at the people going in and out
of the establishment. Dillon had no phone to communicate with anybody, so he
sat in his truck for 2 hours rocking back and forth until he built up enough
humility to sit outside the door of the store across the street and ask for change
for gas. They consistently denied him any help. Dillon sat up against the wall at
the store and put his attention on a TV in the sports bar. There was a college
football game playing and as he saw the players running around on the field, he
thought of his mother, put his head in his lap, and broke down crying. “Look at
me.” he thought, “I’m here now.” “How did I do this to myself?” Finally, an
older woman asked if he was ok. Dillion replied, “I just need a few dollars for
gas to get home.” She handed him a $10 dollar bill, and said, “Regardless of
how dark each fall in life may be, IN TIME, purpose has to become the only
light you need to see.” She looked deep into his eyes for a second, and he
realized the spiritual presence was speaking through her. He remembered that
the last time the spiritual presence came to him, it whispered, “In Time.” Dillon
nodded his head and watched the older women fade off into the city lights. He
talked the store’s attendant into allowing him to use an old gas can they had, put
the gas in it, walked back over to his truck and put what he could in his tank. He
got back in his truck, smelling like gasoline, and drove towards his sister’s
house. Dillon avoided any conversation with his sister. He took a shower and
went to the guest room where he slept whenever he was there. As he lay looking
up at the ceiling, he heard gunshots and ambulance sirens throughout the night.
He also heard the words “In Time” repeatedly.
 11
Disconnected
That next morning, with no cash, no phone, and drowning from the
effects of the pills, Dillon started writing poems. One was entitled, “Not Living
Right.” In this poem, he wrote,

With so much darkness in this life of mine, I need to pray, yet I act like I don’t have the
time.
It’s so strange because I’m usually up all night, smoking weed, taking pills, drinking
whatever is on sight,
I’m not living right.”
I’m taking 4 or 5 showers a day to get away. It’s like my need to cry keeps me in tune
with my want to leave this place.
At this point, I see no need to fight. It’s safe to say that I’ve been cursed and blinded to
the good in life.
I’m not living right.

As he wrote, he lost himself amid negative vibrations. He laid down and

turned on the television. His sister always watched the news before she went to
work, so the tv was always on the news channel. The first story was about a
shooting in a neighborhood he was well familiar with. They mentioned two
people who were victims of the shooting. He learned both victims were guys he
and his friends hung with often. Dillon shook his head, turned the TV off. The
environment was rewiring him now. The good kid who was once the pride of
his neighborhood on the football field was now a walking time bomb. Dillon
saw so much death and darkness around him. He believed he was next and was
confused because he didn’t know if he cared or not. He thought, “If someone
ever comes for me, we are leaving this earth together that day in a shootout.” He
loaded two clips, cocked it for one in the chamber, and at the time he took on
the life of a future tragedy waiting to happen. At that time everybody he hung
around lived this way, but it was the first time he’d accepted this lifestyle. He
found peace in negative thoughts.

The next day, his sister realized his phone was off and got him a prepaid
phone. The plan had free nights and weekends with unlimited text for a month.
Dillon hated talking on the phone, and more specifically, he just hated to be
reached. He kept his phone on silent with no vibration anyway, so the unlimited
text option was a preference. She also gave him cash for gas. Dillon appreciated
her kindness and decided to attend classes for his sister that evening. He put his
gun in his book sack and walked on campus like any other student. He made it
to his last class and his professor, Mr. Combs, asked to speak with him in his
office once class was over. Dillon agreed. After Mr. Combs closed the door
behind Dillon, he asked, “Be honest with me. What’s going on with you, young
man?” Dillon, caught off guard, responded, “I’m good...” Mr. Combs
interrupted, “No, you’re not ok young brother. Talk to me.” Dillon stated,
“There is nothing you can do to help me, bra.” Mr. Combs continues, “I can try,
but I can’t do anything if you don’t talk to me.” Dillon looked at him and said,
“What I’m dealing with, can’t be fixed because what I’m dealing with only
exists in my world, and I refuse to put it in yours.” Mr. Combs sat back in his
chair and said, “I’m praying for you, young brother. There is something about
you, a light. However, you just sit in class quietly, turn in papers with no effort
applied, and refuse to show you even care. Shine your light, young brother,
shine!” Dillon shook his head and walked out of the office. He headed to usual
hangout spot. When he arrived, the house was full of people. The spot became
the place to mourn the two friends who were killed that previous Sunday. There
were people in every room along with every drug on the planet. Instead of
leaving to think about what he and Mr. Combs spoke about, he walked into a
room and buried himself in the next drug.

That next morning, he walked outside and heard laughter and screams
from kids playing at a local elementary school about two blocks away. He
walked towards the noise until he could see the kids, lean against the fence, and
smiled. That smile immediately turned into tears. His childhood flashed through
his head, and he remembered playing with his friends as a kid. He just wanted to
start over. This was not possible because, as he dealt with the reality of his
situation, he saw death as the only cure for his pain. Dillon did not want to leave
because watching the children play from afar made him feel young and alive
again. Suddenly, he saw the campus resource officer walking towards him and
knew there was no way he could explain his true purpose for standing there. He
thought to himself, “If I tell the officer I’m watching these kids play because
I’m lost, and the kids’ energy made me feel better about myself, they will arrest
me on site and assume I am up to no good.” Dillon walked off before the officer
made it to him. The officer yelled for Dillon to stop as he was talking on his
radio. Despite this, Dillon kept walking. He made it six houses down the road
before two cop cars pulled up. Dillon yells, “What are y’all doing?” as the
officers drew their guns, pointed at him and screamed, “Hands in the air!”
Dillon thinks, “Oh, ok this is it. They’ll shoot me down right here.” Dillon put
his hands up and the officer demanded he get on his knees and lie down with his
hands behind his back. Dillon followed their order and laid down. The officer
then jumped on him and put his knee so deep into his back that Dillon could feel
sharp pains all throughout his body. Dillon screamed, “What did I do?” Another
officer puts his foot over Dillon’s mouth as the other cop commented, “Yes,
shut him up.” The officer slammed him on the patrol vehicle face first after
handcuffing him. As time seemed to slow down, Dillon imagined his brother
being shot by officers, and his mother crying. He thought, “I tried to find a
peace of mind by watching those kids play, and now I’m going to die right here
in the hands of the police.” Dillon looked up at the officers and said, “There’s
no peace here. I walked to see the kids play because I was looking for a peace
mind. I just wanted to smile again, but there is no peace here. I’m sorry for
trying.” One officer, concerned, asked Dillon, “Is this true?” Dillon nodded his
head slowly, and said, “Yes.” After they ran his information and saw he had no
warrants, one officer, visibly upset, said, “Bullshit! This guy is a criminal like
the rest of his people.” Dillon looked at the officer and the officer returned a
stern look that was full of evil. The officer’s intention was to provoke Dillon, so
he could kick him around and say he brought it on himself. However, the officer
was forced to accept that he had nothing on Dillon. Angrily, the officer adds,
“Next time you won't be so lucky, son.” He removed the handcuffs off and
pushed Dillon away. As they drove off, Dillon heard the officer speak into the
radio, “Suspect is good. Just a guy walking through the neighborhood.” They
smiled at him as they drove off.

Dillon, physically hurt, limped back to the spot. When he entered, his
friend passed him the marijuana smoke that was in rotation, and Dillon never
even expressed what had just happened. The mood in the house was already
dark and negative. He hung around for a few hours before he vomited due to
mixing a downer and upper pill, along with alcohol. He parked his truck in the
middle of the yard, got in the back seat, and laid there until he fell asleep. It was
when he woke up and walked back into the house that night that he realized he
had slept for about 11 hours straight. Dillon asked where everybody was. One
friend sitting in the house said, “They all went downtown to the club.” It was
2am and Dillon felt dehydrated, so he drank water from the faucet. As he drank,
the guy said, “Bra, didn’t they say you used to play college football.” Dillon
responded, “Long story, but yea somewhat.” He then says, “Man, you made it
out, and you came back this shit.” Dillon shook his head and replied, “You
right.” The guy continued, “I’ve been coming through here for the last few
weeks because your boy is my boy. I’ve watched you, and I can tell you’re
different from us. We don’t care about much around here, but you, you’re
caring. I’ve watched how you speak to the homies and try to inspire them. They
respect you because you care and you’re selfless. But let me tell you something,
the cool guys don’t make it here in this environment. They die early here, in
fact. They are placed in a casket and on t-shirts only to be forgotten because
they died too young for their heart and realness to be felt in the world. Get out
of here bra, or you will be next.” Dillon looked at him and said, “One hundred
bra, I appreciate you.” The guy then repeats, “Get out bra, don’t die out here in
these streets,” as they fist bumped.
 The next day, Marcus texted his phone and said his church was having a
revival and invited Dillon to attend. Dillon showed up because he felt this guy
just wanted to help. Marcus’s family was there as well. Dillon knew if a man
would invite you to where he and his family would be the man thought highly of
you. He walked to the front of the place of worship and asked for prayer. After
the preacher prayed for him, he decided that day he would try his best to get out
of his situation. When he got home, Dillon texted the youngest of his three
sisters, Audri. Audri had just moved to a city 3 hours north of where he was
living. He asked if she and her husband would allow him to move in so he could
reshape his life. They offered a helping hand quickly. Dillon and Marcus hung
out a few times before Dillon moved up north. Marcus became a mentor;
Dillon's respect for Marcus grew every time he was around because he felt like
Marcus saw him for who he really was. Although he never talked to Marcus
about depression and the demons he fought, he always appreciated his being
there to listen. Dillon would often tell Marcus, “I appreciate you.” so much that
Marcus would often beg Dillon to stop saying it. A few months later, after
slowing down on pills, he began to smoke black & mild cigars and replacing
hard liquor with beer, he headed north to his sister’s apartment. She and her
husband opened their home to him and for the first time in a while, he was away
from the chaos being home presented.

When he arrived in the new city, the next morning, he searched for a
job. The city’s public school district contacted him for a job in campus security.
The campus head of security, a principal, and the head of security of the
district’s high schools, interviewed him. While he interviewed, he could tell the
principal’s energy towards him was not very good. The campus head of security
stared at him, and although Dillon interviewed horribly, the principal stated, “I
don’t know if he’s the guy.” The head of security for campus said, “Oh yes, he’s
the guy.” The head of security was Lew. Lew grew up in the streets of Chicago
and said he could tell by just listening to Dillon talk he had what they needed to
get the job done. He then explained to Dillon that the assigned school had a
well-known reputation for gang activity. Lew then laughed and said, “Even
though physically you come off as a pretty boy, I can tell you have a lot of street
sense in you. In order to stay one step ahead of these kids, you must understand
the streets.” Dillon looked at him and said, “If you hire me bra, my loyalty will
always be with you.” Lew smiled and said, “Yep, just like I thought, straight out
of the streets. I got you. bra. You will be on my team.” They shook hands, and
the next day, he received a call with his start date. When school started, Dillon
did not think he would survive around a bunch of stubborn kids. He felt as if
being a security officer put him in a position to be patient. Dillon feared his
quick temper would get him in trouble. In his first few hours, Dillon had already
been cursed out by four kids who he was attempting to stop from going into a
restricted area. The four hours before his 30-minute break felt like 4 days. He
sat in his truck and contemplated quitting, but knew he needed the money. He
went back to his post after the break and was sure he wouldn’t last another hour.
Before the last bell of the day, Lew checked in on Dillon. Lew asked, “You
good?” Dillon responded, “Yea, I’m good, but these kids are crazy as hell!”
Laughing, Lew said, “Yea, you just got to be firm with them and they’ll jump in
line.” Dillon said, “Yea, I’ll get better at that.” When the last bell rang, he was
introduced to the actual picture of what he was dealing with. Three fights broke
out in different areas. It was easy to find a fight on a high school campus; just
look for the crowd. However, the hard part was actually reaching the fight to
break it up. The kids knew the only way security could stop the fighter was if
they got in to break them up. So, to prevent security from breaking up the fights,
the kids got as close as possible. Some kids even locked arms together. Dillon
finally got through to break up the fight and took the kids to the office. While
walking to the office, he asked the students, “Why are you fighting young
man?” One kid looked up at him and said, “That dude hit my sister.” The old
Dillon said to himself, “Oh, ok, let's go back so you can beat him up some
more.” The newly employed Dillon thought, “Just get the kid to the office and
get my butt home and be done with this day.” After all the chaos, Dillon headed
to his sister’s apartment with the thought of going back into the school.

The next morning, he got up, took a deep breath, and told himself to
push through and get the money so he could get his own apartment and get off
his sister’s couch. After a month, he had saved enough money for a down
payment on a small apartment 5 minutes from his place of employment. Once
he was in his own apartment, he started to slip back into a depression. He woke
up in the middle of the night so sad that it felt as if he was preparing to go to a
funeral every day. He began to look for any reason to press on. At work, he
became used to the ways of the students and occasionally started small
conversations with the teachers. One day, while walking into the cafeteria, a
teacher, Ms. Coleman stopped him and said, “I don’t know what it is about you,
but I feel like you’re a lost soul or something, and I just want to help you.”
Dillon replied, “Lost would probably best describe me but I’ll be ok.” She says
then, “No, I think I’m supposed to help you.” She checked on him and
whenever the teachers would hang out, she always invited him. Once, while
they were all hanging out, Dillon looked up and down the table. He saw nothing
but professionals to his left and his right. He thought to himself, “How am I
here? I don’t think they know I’m really dying inside.” Dillon felt so out of
place and to hide it, he ordered more drinks to push the voice in his head away.
Ms. Coleman bought him books and anything she felt would help Dillon. She
often tried to get Dillon to open up about his life, but Dillon only said, “It’s just
life, you know.”

After about 3 months into the school year, Dillon finally considered
ending it all. At night, he sat up and stared at his gun. The voice in his head
whispered thoughts of no one attending his funeral. When that didn’t work, he
laid down and heard his mother cry out like she was still in pain and saying,
“come save me baby.” He planned to use the next day to tell Lew, his boss, how
much he really appreciated him. He knew he wanted to tell Ms. Coleman thanks
and many others. Dillon fell asleep and woke up prepared to spend his last day
on earth thanking everyone. Rather it be a text back home to whoever he
thought was worthy of his thanks or a visit to his sister- and brother-in-law. He
planned to end it all. He drove to campus feeling like he was on his way to a
funeral. He sensed sadness, the sadness that consumed you, a sadness that can’t
be described in words. He made it to campus and as he was walking to his post;
he saw a kid sitting on a bench with his head in his lap. He approached the kid
and as the kid raised his head, Dillon noticed the kid had tears running down his
face. Dillon sat down and said softly, “You can talk to me about it.” The kid
looked up and said, “My grandma died last night. She’s been raising me since
my mother passed away when I was four. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Dillon said, “I know how it feels to lose someone, young brother. Life is
sometimes full of hardships, but you have to be strong for your family. I believe
in you, and I’m always here if you need someone to talk to.” The kid laid his
head on Dillon’s shoulder and cried like a baby. Dillon’s radio came on and it
was Lew laughing and saying, “Hey D, I’m watching the cameras and we can’t
be letting the kids lay their heads on us, man.” Dillon responded, “Kid just lost
his grandmother, and I’m just being here for him bra.” Lew replies, “10-4
brother.” Once the kid walked off, something about that moment changed
Dillon. Something about talking to the kid ignited something inside of him he’d
never felt before.

Instead of the day going in the direction he’d planned it to go, Dillon
instead engaged in different conversations with other students. He felt the need
to open up to them and use his stories so that they could learn and grow from his
mistakes. He felt so alive when the kids would come to him for advice. Before
long, most kids on campus wanted to talk with Dillon. He made the kids feel
alive and deep down, Dillon was realizing he had a passion for mentoring kids.
This passion was confirmed a few weeks later when a young lady was coming
out of her last class for the day. She was sad because her grades were horrible.
Dillon walked with her towards the bus stop. He made a deal with her. He told
the young lady that if she made 3.0 GPA the next six weeks, he’d give her $30.
The young lady agreed to the deal. Six weeks later, the young lady brought him
her report card with a huge smile and said, “Give me my money.” Dillon
laughed and when he looked at the report card, he realized she didn’t make a
3.0, she made a 4.0. “That’s right, all A’s!’ “she said.” Dillon was so happy that
he high fived her and paid her $40 dollars instead. At that moment, he knew
what he was on earth to do. He thought, “I love this feeling, so whatever it is
I’m supposed to be doing, I know it has to be something involving mentoring
kids.”
 Before the school year was out, he and a couple of guys he hung around
discussed moving to Atlanta. His friend Kelan had a connect with a country
club owner in the city that wanted to hire a few guys to bartend and serve tables.
The pay was more than Dillon was making with the school district, so he
figured it was worth the shot. Kelan had already accepted the manager position
and just wanted his own team rather than hire some new guys from Atlanta.
Everything was lining up well and looked like a go until Kelan was arrested on
federal drug charges. Kelan’s cousin called to tell Dillon the news. Dillon was
disappointed and had to figure out a plan B. Dillon made the decision to move
back home. He knew he hated doing security but loved mentoring, so he thought
going home and getting an associate degree from the community college he
once attended was the way to go. Before he left, Dillon mentioned to Mrs.
Coleman that he wanted to go back home to correct some things. He asked Mrs.
Coleman, “One: Could you help me get back in school? Two: If I find out
where my dad is, will you help me go visit him?” She agreed to help with both
requests. After the school year ended, he headed back south. Because he was on
a school district contract, his paycheck would continue throughout the summer
and would do so until the new school year began. He used his pay stub to secure
a rent house in one of the worst neighborhoods in the city. He knew what he
was up against, but he had a strong desire to head in the right direction this time.
Ms. Coleman helped him enroll back in the community college and planned for
a day to fly out to Florida to meet his dad. Before he flew out, Dillon called his
dad to see where he was mentally. Surprisingly, his dad was thrilled at the
thought of his youngest boy flying out to see him. The next weekend, he was on
his first flight to a man he hadn’t seen in years. When his dad opened the door
to greet him, he knew right at that moment he’d needed him in his life all those
years. They hugged, sat down, and talked for hours. His dad apologized for not
being present in his life. He also told Dillon to apologize to Donell, his other
brother, as well. He mentioned his struggles and said he completely understood
if Dillon held something against him. Dillon responded, “No, I’ve seen enough
of life at this point to know we all have our struggles. I’m just glad you can
admit yours.” His dad smiled and said, “God should have taken me before he
took your mother. She was the sweetest lady I’d ever met, and I wasn’t used to
being with a woman so kind and loving. Me not knowing how to love was the
reason why our relationship didn’t last.” Dillon looked at him and said, “I told
my mother one day before she’d passed away that I’ll find you and beat you in
dominoes one day.” He smiled and said, “Never, youngest boy. It will never
happen.” They laughed and played dominoes all day long.

While playing, Dillon asked a million questions about who his dad was
and his story. Dillon finally realized where he got his athletic ability from and
most of his traits as well. At one point, Dillon looked down at the paper his dad
was writing the domino score on and noticed he and he and his dad had the
same handwriting. Even his dad said, “Wow,” when Dillon pointed it out. When
his dad saw how excited he was when he acknowledged it, he softly said, “I
love you, son.” Dillon left his dad’s apartment that day feeling complete, like
someone had lifted a weight off his shoulder. Before catching his plane back, he
stopped by the beach and looked at all the water for as far out as he could see
amazed him. Almost 23 years old, and he’d never set foot on a beach before in
his life. He felt high, in a sense. Seeing his dad was the missing link in his life.
On the flight back, he had everyone in the seats close to him laughing at all his
jokes. He was in his element and a completely different person. One passenger
even asked if he was a comedian. Dillon just smiled and said, “Naw, I’m just
alive right now. I’m just alive.”
 12
Redirected
As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from
something good, I was actually being redirected to something better.
--Dr. Steve Maraboli

Because of the low rent rate, he faced returning to the same

neighborhood that he had chosen to move away from. To avoid any conflict, he
didn’t look anybody in the community in their eyes. He figured once he looked
in their eyes, they’d feel his good heart and see him as weak. After a few
months of being in the neighborhood, the street gangs grew tired of his presence
and tested him. They used a young kid on a bike to accomplish the task. One
day as Dillon drove through, they instructed the kid to stand in the middle of the
road so that Dillon would have to stop. Dillon knew it was coming but didn’t
know exactly how they would choose to do it. As his vehicle approached the
kid, about twenty dudes walked towards the street. When they got close, Dillon
put his head down. One guy yelled, “Look up.” Dillon, however, refused, and
when the kid moved, put his head up, looked straight ahead, and drove past
them. One guy said loudly, “Yep, whoever that dude is, he's crazy as hell.”
Dillon grinned because he knew he was safe for a moment but not for long.

Financially, Dillon made it for a few months after the school district
checks stopped because of help from young ladies whom he met and allowing a
family member and a friend to move in to help with expenses. He knew he
eventually needed to get some cash flowing to assure he had a place to stay, but
most importantly, get another place in a better neighborhood. Dillon applied for
every job on the Career Builder website. A department store contacted him for a
position at a local mall for a job in security surveillance. Basically, he was hired
to catch people stealing. He accepted the job but was very uncomfortable. He
was uncomfortable because the mall was on the side of the city where he knew
people and the thought of being the reason someone he knew was arrested just
didn’t sit right with him. However, he still showed up every day.

One evening, while on the clock, the police came into the store, walked
up to Dillon, and asked for his name. Once he gave them his name, they told
him he was under arrest for felony theft. Confused, Dillon asks, “What are you
talking about?” They handcuff him and take him down to the station. Once he
was there, they stated that the washer and dryer that his landlord furnished in his
rental had been stolen. Puzzled, Dillon said, “I don’t understand. My job is to
catch thieves and here you are telling me I’m a thief.” They saw how confused
he was and realized there was no way he did this. The officer who was over the
case walked over and realized he knew Dillon. He said, “You’re that football
player from years back. I’m from your area and used to watch you in high
school. Is this what has happened to you?” Dillon shook his head, still confused
and feeling set up. The officer said, “You didn’t do this, did you?” Dillon
responded, “No sir, I don’t know what’s going on.” When the officer
questioned, “Well, who is living with you?” It made a little more sense to Dillon
what had occurred. The officer said, “Somebody close to you did this, didn’t
they?” Dillon shook his head in disbelief. The officer continued to state, “We’ve
been having a problem in this community with people selling the washer and
dryers that were furnished in those homes. People have been selling them both
and reporting they were stolen. On the streets, they go for about $300 to $600.
Do you think someone who is staying with you would do that?” The officer saw
the anger in Dillon’s eyes, so he knew he couldn’t have done it.

He asked, “Which of the people you live with did this?” Dillon,
enraged, just stared at the officer. The officer knew at that point Dillon would
not say a word and was ready to take the charges for a crime he did not commit.
The officer then said, “I’m not letting you take these charges because I think
you’re a good person. However, let me tell you this; to grow, get away from
here and separate yourself from everything or everybody connected to this type
of environment.” Dillon nods his head. The officer added, “You will be fined
and most likely kicked out of the rental house.” He unlocked Dillon's handcuffs
and released him. Dillon got in his truck and headed back to his house and got
most of his items out. Dillon spent that night at his sister’s house, trying to
figure out what was next.

When he called his boss to explain what happened, they informed him
that he had to be let go. Dillon was now out of a job and a place to stay. Dillon
rode through the city to clear his head. He realized he couldn’t shake the anger
going through his mind, so he stopped by the spot where everyone would hang
for just one night. After a long night of reliving his old habits, he fell asleep on
the couch. He woke up the next morning and looked around to see guns on the
table and alcohol and pills everywhere. He tried to process what he saw, and his
mind took him to a place where he believed he was now stuck back in the dark
reality he once embraced. He began to have a panic attack. His hands shook,
and his heart beat uncontrollably fast. A feeling of dread and guilt set in, and a
powerful fear of dying overtook him. He jumped up, ran out the door, and got in
his truck. The intensity of the attack increased, and he thought to himself, “I’m
sorry for coming back here, God.” He rocked back and forth in his passenger
seat for about 10 minutes before the feeling went away. Scared, he got his keys
and drove off, telling God, he was finished. He figured God was warning him,
and Dillon got the message. Dillon drove to an old roadway about 20 miles
outside of the city, parked, and stayed there for almost two weeks. During that
time, he watched the sun rise and set. He prayed and called out for the spiritual
being to help guide him out of the hell he found himself in. Frustrated, he
walked into the woods and shot his gun a few times to release the stress and
anger built inside of him. Dillon used the only $70 he had to buy snacks and
beer from a store a mile up the highway. He picked that location to stay after
seeing the store was there. He walked to the store and back whenever he needed
something. After a week, he became sick. Dillon had gotten an upset stomach
from all the chips, sweets, and beer had consumed. His stomach had enough and
rejected anything he ate. Every day, he tried to see a path to go to fix his life. He
thought of the kids and his want to mentor but didn’t know what route to take to
make it happen. Finally, he realized he couldn’t keep hiding from the world. He
decided it was time to go. Dillon walked to the store to ask for help because he
was out of gas and his battery died from playing music while sitting on the
roadway. As he sat at the store, he remembered his last situation in the city
where he was stranded and asking for help. Although people avoided him, He
had grown and viewed things differently. He said to himself, “Ok, I’m at the
bottom now, I have to work my way up.” Before long, an older man agreed to
help him with his battery and gave him a few dollars for gas. Dillon used that
gas to drive back to his old neighborhood.

When he arrived in his old neighborhood, he went straight to his middle

sister, Janice. Janice was a very spiritual woman and often talked to him about
scriptures. Dillon was open to anything that could help him. Janice mentioned a
bible verse to him, and these were her words:

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for
the night but rejoicing comes in the morning. -Psalm 30:5-
 13
Friendship is Essential
After two days of being back, Dillon got frustrated because he felt like
he was putting himself out there for everybody to see his struggle. After years of
hiding it, he didn’t like the thought of being someone else’s problem. Once
again, he was headed back into a dark place. From anxiety attacks at every sight
of police, to seeing everybody as his potential killer. Paranoid and a prisoner of
his own mind, he began to clean dirty bullets and looking at his gun all
throughout the day. As he prepared to pull another disappearing act to get away
from everybody and to isolate himself in depression, he got a call from Ivan, his
teammate from the first university he attended. Ivan said, “I just sent you my
last $50 through western union. Go get it and come back down here to stay with
me.” Dillon did not understand what was happening. Ivan repeated, “Bra I just
sent you $50, put it in your gas tank and come down here with me.” Dillon
agreed and after making a few stops, he was once again headed to a place that
he was inspired to play college football.

When Dillon arrived, Ivan smiled and said, “We gone make it together,
bra.” Dillon still did not know what was going on because even though Ivan was
his closest friend, he never talked to him about his struggles. Dillon asked Ivan,
“What made you send me that money to get down here?” Ivan replied, “I don’t
know, bra. Something just told me to get you down here.” Dillon looked at Ivan
and just shook his head because he knew it was something deeper. One week
after Dillon arrived, Ivan was told he needed to find another place to stay. His
football eligibility years were up. Ivan had completed his 5 years at the
University, graduated, and now in need of another place to stay. After he left,
they assigned another player with eligibility to the apartment. Dillon and Ivan
didn’t know what to do, so they went to church that next Sunday to pray about
the situation. After church, the pastor and the pastor’s wife invited them over to
their house for dinner. When they pulled up to the house, Dillon was in awe
because he had never seen a house so nice before in his life. In his eyes, the
house had to be worth a million dollars. Ivan looked at Dillon, and Dillon
looked back and said, “Bra, what is happening?” As they entered the home, the
pastor’s wife had dinner on the table. It was like Thanksgiving that Sunday.
Their whole family came to the table with us. They knew Ivan played for the
University, but they knew nothing about Dillon. Dillon was nervous and
uncomfortable, so he sat quietly, hoping he could just enjoy the experience
without saying a word. The pastor’s wife turned to Dillon and said, “Dillon, tell
us about yourself.” Dillon’s life flashed through his head as he looked into her
eyes. He put a small grin on his face and said, “I’m alive.” Everybody at the
table softly said, “Amen” and continued to laugh and talk with each other over
the delicious meal.

Just as he and Ivan were preparing to head back to the apartment to

figure out what their next move would be, the pastor and his wife asked what
they were going to do about their housing situation. After hinting that they did
not know, the pastor and his wife walked them down into the basement of their
house. The basement was basically another 4-bedroom apartment. One room
contained a pool table and games. The basement also contained an in-home
fitness gym, a living room, and a bedroom. After the tour, the pastor said, “The
place you two will stay is here.” His wife brought blankets down and Dillon
walked up the long driveway to his truck and cried tears of joy! He said to
himself, “Thank You God! Thank You God!” When Ivan walked out and saw
Dillon, he smiled, walked up to the driver’s side window, and said, “We
blessed, bro.” They embraced each other and drove off to go get all their
belongings from the apartment.

They attended church at least 3 days a week and bible study on the other
days. One Sunday, Dillon overheard the preacher say something that made him
think deeply about his journey to that point. His words, “You can’t run from
your demons. You have to face them.” Dillon felt those words so strongly that
he just got up and walked in front of the church for prayer. When the pastor’s
son prayed for him, Dillon felt the negative energy come out of him. It was like
someone had finally removed a dark cloud from his soul. That night when he
laid down, the spiritual being came back, but this time, it was three of them. He
felt them moving in circles around him and smiling. He reached out and said,
“Show yourself. Please, show yourself.” He felt so high at that moment. A high
no drug could compare to. The spiritual beings began laughing at him. He was
laying down, reaching up, and playing with what he called spiritual angels all
night. He felt like a baby laying down, reaching up and smiling while playing.
They made him aware that they have always been with him, but the deeper he
would fall for the lies of the world like stress, poverty, and the ego, the further
he distanced himself from their divine presence. They whispered into his mind,
“You were put here to serve others, but only now do you understand the true
nature of that importance. Only now do you see it’s your purpose. Only now are
your eyes open. Serve your purpose and let that purpose be your light.” At that
moment, his life made much more sense. He saw the hardship and all the pain as
a bonus. He realized he had experienced everything that existed on the dark side
of life and had a better understanding of why serving others is everyone’s
responsibility. To endure hardship and to walk out of it stronger with a story to
tell. A story that will inspire and help others see the good in their individual
situations.
 After a month, Dillon was alive again. Ivan enjoyed watching his friend
workout every day. He hadn’t seen Dillon like this in years and it made him
proud. When Dillon was finally ready to go out and conquer all he wanted to
accomplish, he told Ivan that he will always be an angel in his eyes. Renewed,
Dillon dedicated the rest of his life to serving humanity and found his purpose
in youth mentoring. Dillon went on to be a college graduate, became public
speaker, educator, and a coach at his old high school.
 Message from the Author

Know Where You Are Headed

“Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he. -
Proverbs 29:18

In this story, one thing was evident. When Dillon had a clear picture of
what he wanted to accomplish, he successfully put himself in a position
to obtain his goal. Although the odds were against him, he said he wanted
to get a scholarship to play college football and he accomplished it.
Throughout history, the people we respect the most for their
accomplishments are those who had a goal and committed themselves to
that goal until it was accomplished. Today, many people just wake up
and live their entire life with a, “I’m just going to see what happens
today” attitude. This way of life will never be prosperous, as was seen in
Dillon’s story. After he accomplished his first goal, he never committed
to another one. He would state what he wanted to do, but a commitment
to the goal was never established. Therefore, he struggled. When you
don’t have an aim, you become lost. You simply just exist and get pushed
around by life’s obstacles that are actually put in place to help you grow.
Dillon wasted so much time thinking about what he had gone through, he
forgot he was still alive and able to create something new.

When you know where you are headed, nothing can stop you. Even after
his friend and his big brother died, he didn’t stop his pursuit of his goal.
He allowed the pain of the obstacles to strengthen him. However, when
he lost his eligibility to play his freshman year, his perception of the
situation blinded him from his goal. When he lost sight of where he was
headed, he became blinded to where he was going.

Prove It
After you make your mind up to pursue a goal. Understand that life will
see if you’re all in. You cannot avoid this at all. Life will look you right
into the face and say, “PROVE IT.” In the story, when Dillon told his
mother he was going to play college football, life threw many obstacles
his way. He conquered a few obstacles, which allowed doors to be
opened on his journey. However, he eventually did what most people do
when the “Prove It” moments arrive: they make excuses. This is how it
works. Those obstacles are actually preparing you for your goal. This is
the reason I often say, “The struggle is the reward.”

From this day forward, when you commit to your goals, commit to
conquering all the “Prove it” moments along the way.

Now
The only thing that truly exists is NOW. People often say things
like, “It’ll get better in the future,” or, “My past has ruined my life” In
reality, living in the NOW is the key. The present moment. When you
find your purpose in life, see and feel yourself living in that purpose now.
Live in that big house you want NOW. The business you would like to
start, see yourself running it NOW.

When I knew I wanted to write a book, I saw myself holding the

book as a finished product. As I would write, I would keep that image in
my head until it showed up in my present reality. It was already real in
my mind before anybody else could see it.

Understand, everything you see in this world started as an

invisible thought first. Those enormous buildings you see in downtown
New York and many other beautiful cities were all seen first in the minds
of the engineers. They saw them there years before anybody else could.
They put the plan together, executed the plan, and brought their vision to
life.

This is the way it works for you as well. See the vision, execute your
plan, and boom.

See the life you want in your mind NOW and shine your light on
it daily until it is in the world with our sun shining down on its presence.

Reconnect by Serving Others and Losing Your Ego

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” - Mahatma
Gandi
 The ego disconnects you from the spiritual web. The spiritual web
being the connection between every living thing. Like a Wi-Fi
connection, as soon as the ego enters the human mind (your personal
computer) the connection becomes weaker and weaker until the ego
completely hides any awareness of such a connection. Fear drives the
ego, so the more you feed it, thoughts like, “I’m the only one going
through this. Nobody cares, they hate me, I don’t need nobody, I’m
nobody, etc., the more it seems real and isolates you either into a certain
group or by yourself. Understand, the ego can only survive through
isolation or to surround itself with others who are disconnected from the
spiritual web as well. Dillon fell victim to this disconnection. He used his
own pain as an excuse to destroy himself, and only felt comfortable
around others who did the same.

As humans, we were put on this earth to serve each other. When

we enjoy serving each other, we create harmony. The same is happening
inside your body with cells. When every cell is working in harmony, the
body is healthy. However, when one cell doesn’t want to work with the
group and becomes an ego cell, the first thing it does is recruit other cells
to do the same. If this continues, these rogue cells become cancerous.
Evermore, if the pattern does not stop, the body itself dies.

Does this sound familiar...

The story of Lucifer and his rebellion against God in Heaven. I’ll
spare you the details but read that story and see just how it relates to the
human ego today.

Reconnect with the unconditional love inside of you. Serve others

even if they couldn't care less if you do. Life will always reflect your
actions back on you. So, when you give, you actually receive as well.
Wake up and ask yourself daily, “How can I best serve others today.”
Watch how your life will change. Shine good people.

Use your story to help someone else. This is why you survived.
Dillon realized this. He realized his life had meaning. He searched for
answers throughout all the pain, and he realized the answer was
perseverance.

“THE ANSWER IS PERSEVERANCE”

I was once blind, but NOW I see!

#JUSTLOVEPEOPLE