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Dealing with Feelings: The Disguise of Disappointment

Author(s): Ruth Dailey Grainger
Source: The American Journal of Nursing, Vol. 91, No. 11 (Nov., 1991), p. 10
Published by: Lippincott Williams & Wilkins
Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/3426784 .
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 AMERICAN JOURNAL OF NURSING

*IuHrnH
with your best long-term interests.So motion?") or at yourself ("I promised
TheDisguise of long as alteringyour expectationsdoes to keep my resolution this year! Why
not lower your true standardsor vio- didn't I?").
Disappointmentlate your beliefsystems-your commit-
ment to valueslike and
Disappointment, related to sadness,
masks the anger that we do not feel
By Ruth Dailey Grainger honesty integri-
ty-then what haveyou got to lose, ex- safe to express,for whateverreason,ei-
e haveallhaddisappointments.cept disappointment? ther to ourselves or to others. The
Everyone remembers them angermay arisefrom havingimpossibly
from childhood (not being Disappointment requires high standards that are never met.
picked by the "best team"), we still investment When you become awarethat you are
have them (losing to anotheron a cov- Troubling disappointment arises only feeling disappointed, ask yourself,
eted promotion), and we fear them in from expectations to which we attach "Whatam I angryabout?Can I express
the future (maybe the investments personalsignificance.For example,you my 'disappointment'(that is, anger) in
we've made for retirement will de- may treatthe behaviorofyour immedi- a more directand appropriatemanner?
cline). Sometimes we depend on oth- ate family as if it were an extension of Am I willingto protectmyselfby prop-
ers to meet our expectations and pro- yourself, even though it remains their erly identifyingmy concerns and deal-
tect us from disappointments.On the ing with them realistically?"
other hand, disappointment may be
strictly internal: a realization that we In almost every Disappointment is a message
have fallen short of our own standards In almost everyinstanceof disappoint-
("I didn't finish my treatments by 3 instance of ment there is an implicit message that
PM," "I know I shouldn't have had a we need to hear and act upon. When
second helping of dessert"). disappointment there we're disappointed in ourselves, the
messagemay be:
Disappointment requires is an implicit message * that we "givea hoot" about some-
expectations that we need to hear thing;
Disappointment cannot exist without * that this goal is worth achieving;
expectations of self or others. What * that we have been harboringa cer-
that means is that we are in the posi- and act upon. tain expectation of ourselves without
tion to reduce our disappointment,at being consciousof it.
least in some cases, by alteringour ex- Disappointmentin others may tell us
pectations. When you feel disappoint- behavior alone. So, when your hus- that:
ed, askyourself: band'sjoke flops,you feel embarrassed; * the "disappointment mask" we
* Is the expectation useful? (Is it when your child earns a poor grade at wear camouflages the true face of
imperativeto learn how to water-ski? school, you feel youhavefailed.You re- anger;
How important is it that I have a act as if you were joined at the hip with * controlcould be our actualdesire;
garden?) them! Conversely,when our bossespass * when we manipulateothers, it in-
* Is the expectationattainable?(Can us over for promotions we usuallyfeel evitablydamagesthe relationship.
I be CEO by the age of 30? Can l own disappointedin ourselves,not the boss. Disappointment need not be in-
a house in the next year?) evitableor universalin your life. It can
* Is it a reasonable expectation, or Disappointment disguises anger be experiencedselectively,becauseit is
one that is feasible? (Should I expect To cope effectively with disappoint- entirely up to you to interpretevents.
my wife never to work late? Do I ex- ment you have to recognizeit as afront Your interpretationsdiscouragedisap-
pect my friendsalwaysto be on time?) for anger about unfulfilled expecta- pointment as long as you hear its po-
It may be to your advantage to re- tions. "I am so disappointed that you tentialmessages,identifyits impliedex-
consideror even abandonyour less re- didn't clean your room" can really pectations, unmask its disguises and
alistic expectations and keep only the mean "I am angrythatyou did not fol- determine how you will interpretit in
truly useful ones, the ones consistent low my orders" (here, anger is dis- general.To reframedisappointment-
guised because it cannot, or will not, to put a different "frame"around its
Ruth Dailey (Knowles) Grainger, PhD, be expressed). The underlying anger image-is to have this troublesome
ARNP, CS, is a certified clinical specialist in be directed at others who do not feelingbetterunderyour control.
psychiatric-mental health nursing and a may
consultant, researcher, author and nurse- fulfill your desires ("My boss is an id-
psychotherapistin Miami, FL. iot! Why didn't she give me the pro- ?Copyright1991 Ruth Dailey Grainger

10 AJN/ November1991

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