10

Contents

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER ONE

MARRIAGE AND OBLIGATIONS

Understanding the larger issues in marriage

Faulty Parenting

The wrong reasons for marriage

Raising God’s children for the society

Understanding marriage and parenting

Parenting styles and products

Guiding the child on to marriage – Roadmap to

a successful marriage.

Spicing up the marriage with ‘intimacy thrills’

Pitfalls in marriage - ‘exposed landmines’

Why marriages fail, and antidotes to early

failing signs
 10

The extended family system in an African

traditional setting

- Likely causes & sources of interference

- Minimizing causes of interference

CHAPTER TWO

SEXUALITY EDUCATION AND CHILD

UPBRINGING

Correcting the mindsets right

Building content for sexuality education – An

important parental responsibility.

Child upbringing as a shared responsibility

Preserving the Christian marriage

Ignorant Parents – The bane of every society

 10

Commercializing a child’s marriage – a

disturbing development

Roadmap and Guide for Marriage

CHAPTER THREE

IGNORANT PARENTS OR DELINQUENT

CHILDREN?

Growing strong willed and socially responsible

young adults.
Show-casing parental irresponsibility and
enthroning parental rascality
Maligned image of marriage – reversing the
trend

CHAPTER FOUR

FREE TIME AND CHARACTER FORMATION

Life in the family – leisure time for informal

education
 10

Education opportunities within the family

CHAPTER FIVE

CHILD’S PERCEPTION OF FATHER FIGURE

CHAPTER SIX

PARENTING STYLES, MODELS AND

APPLICATION.

Freedom in child upbringing

Conflicting interests in parenting.

‘Baumrind’ classification:

- Authoritarian parenting
- Authoritative parenting
- Uninvolved parenting
- Attachment parenting
- Permissive parenting
 10

- Democratic parenting.
Parenting models

The dependent children.

Special challenges and advice for the parents of

dependent children.

CHAPTER SEVEN

PARENTING: LEADERSHIP OR VOCATION?

The dilemma of parents in living with their

adult-children

Raising a confident child

Special parenting tips and hints for raising

confident a child.
Added parents’ responsibilities towards raising
an independent child.

Developing a sense of responsibility in the child.

 10

CHAPTER EIGHT

MONITORING AND RE-DIRECTING THE TALENTS

OF THE TECH-SAVVY CHILD

The dangers which the tech-savvy child faces.

Parenting and re-directing the skill and energy

of the tech-savvy child.

CHAPTER NINE

THE CHALLENGES OF THE ADULT-CHILD AND

NOTABLE PARENTS’ ACTION.

Typical problems, associated with teenage and

adolescence and suggested parents' actions.

Typical scenario of a teenage challenge –

Natasha’s freedom

A model family
 10

CHAPTER TEN

PARENTING BLUNDER.

The Tragic life story of the Josephs' family.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

NOTABLE PITFALLS IN CHILD UPBRINGING - THE

MISSING LINKS:
Expanded roles for the family in child
upbringing?
Critical child upbringing issues for discerning
parents.

CHAPTER TWELVE

PROTECTING THE CHILD FROM ABUSE OR

MOLESTATION
 10

All about the nature of child abuse.

- Special case for the boy child. 

- Parents' negligence, carelessness, and
non- challant attitude.

- Sexual abuse can take place in any of the

following ways or places;
- How pedophiles get their victims.
- - How to identify a potential abuser
- Watch out for tell-tale signs to identify an
abused child. 
- Simple actions to reduce occurrence
- Effects of sexual abuse on the child.
Watching over your child

Mutual gender respect within the family

 10

PARENTING SEEKING
UNDERSTANDING                 

               INTRODUCTION

The sickening value system and moral

decadence in many societies today, are
traceable to the permissiveness of
parents towards their children,
disregarding the age-long and strongly
cherished traditional values in the
families. What started in the families, has
snow-balled into total crisis in the larger
societies. The efforts to return to the safe
values of orderly conducts, have yielded
 10

little or no results.  Normalcy and

acceptable conducts amongst our young
ones, are becoming increasingly difficult
to achieve. There is still however, deep
seated zeal and desire by different well-
meaning advocacy groups, to enthrone
good values and return to safe ways and
conducts, especially amongst the young
parents. The writing of this book.
"Parenting Seeking understanding" is a
genuine contribution to a forensic review
of the parenting challenges, highlighting
what is being done wrongly, what is not
being done enough, what is being
overdone, and juxtapose them with good
parenting norms and skills. The out-
model parenting practices and nuances
are radically challenged and spotlighted
and new insights to modern parenting
skills, are offered. The new insights
propose novel parenting approaches,
that could reverse the trend. The nexus
between marriage and parenting is given
prominence throughout the book, to
sharpen the contrast between the old
and the new concepts of 'Marriage' and
 10

'parenting' as two different sides of the

same coin. Marriage does not
necessarily mean parenting; they are not
synonymous but subsist in each other.
While there may be plentiful of
successful marriages capable of bringing
forth children into the world, responsible
parenting is in dire short supply.

It therefore, becomes a compelling

necessity for all the 'married' to see
parenting as a very serious and
important responsibility they owe to
society. They are duty-bound to
constantly keep a keen eye on the
balance between raising the educated
and independent child and the the
socially responsible and God-fearing
child.  Parents, are all leaders, and as
leaders, they are all obligated to bringing
up children who will grow in wisdom and
stature, and in favour with God and man.
Their roles include to guard and guide, to
instruct and direct their children to grow
into wholesome responsible adults, ready
and primed for good married life, (if their
 10

vocations so demand). and who will in

turn, help to build that utopian society
that has eluded families for many years.

Johncay Ihejieto. fss

Lagos
Sep, 2020    

                   CHAPTER ONE

MARRIAGE AND ITS OBLIGATIONS IN

RETROSPECT.

The marriage institution is under attack. It

has never been as severe as in the last
twenty years. The battle is raging on
many fronts;
The state with its obnoxious policies that
seek to negate the ideals and sanctity of
marriage, on one front.
The society with its  relativist craving
 10

disposition on another front,

the ancient retrogressive practices and
archaic beliefs, on yet another front, the
family and its disregard to strong
Christian tenets that define the nobility
and essence of marriage, and finally from
its principal partners with their marked
ignorance of the true dynamics of
marriage and viable parenting skills as
viable pre-requisites for their roles. More
importantly, marriage is no longer
revered and treated as a as a sacrament
ordained by the creator.

Marriage in the Catholic Church,  is a

sacrament that makes one flesh out of
two bodies. The ‘matter’ for this
sacrament is the bodies of the husband
and the wife. which becomes the seabed
of family life. This awesome
phenomenon can simply be said to be
the coming together of one man and one
woman in a permanent indissoluble
union, for the sole purpose of
companionship and procreation.
Marriage demands extreme expression
 10

of selfless love a supreme an act of

charity. On the strength of, this strongly
held view, it is explicable therefore, why
misconceptions like polygamy, sex
outside marriage, or any contraption that
talks of a union of two persons that are
not sexually differentiated, are absurd,
out of place, and totally condemnable,
since the motives of such union
intrinsically and totally negate the virtue
of charity. It cannot be said to be based
on it. These perverse actions slaughter
the virtue of charity on the altar of
myopias and selfishness.  The gay
movement should be singled out here,
without apologies, for outright
condemnation as the strangest depravity
and derailment of the human mind, an
abuse of the dignity of the human
person.  Marriage, as correctly defined
above, is the bed on which many good
acts, including 'sex 'derive their true
meaning, value and fulfilment. Children
are the expectant 'good fruits' from the
seed bed of true Christian marriage. It is
true that marriage had suffered severally
 10

at different times and in different

cultures,  but the centrality and fulfilment
of marriage is still found only in God who
ordained it in the first  place, not minding
the wrong notions about it, touted by men
and women of evil hearts and intent, who
in their warped minds and fancies, try to
denigrate the sanctity of marriage as
defined and ordained by the creator.

Marriage and conjugal love. 

Marriage and conjugal love are mutually
inclusive.  When sexual intercourse takes
place within the context of marriage, it
fulfils one of the very important
obligations of marriage - total giving of
self in love and companionship. Sex
should therefore be seen, discussed and
taught to the children, only in the context
of marriage, it is an exclusive preserve of
the married, a "no go" area for the
unmarried, yes, a 'taboo' for the children
and the young adults. 'Sex in marriage' is
therefore noble and holy, for the right
reasons and as ordained by God.
Any good marital relationship should be
built on the following five cardinal points:
 10

   1. Effective communication- it must be

open, unhindered and free flowing.
   2. Trust - once betrayed it is extremely
difficult to restore. Openness and full
disclosure of information is the norm.
   3. Respect is reciprocal, it is also
earned, and it starts
from 'me'. Give first, and expect later.
   4. Prayer. -  take all problems to
JESUS. Frequent visit to JESUS in the
tabernacle is advised, but remember that
he who goes to equity must go with clean
hands.  Search yourself thoroughly,
because, some or most
of your past and present actions or
inactions, may be at the root of the
problem, being experienced today.
   5. Tolerance/acceptance.  - who you
have is your spouse, what you see, is
what he is, accept him, make the best of
the choice you've conscientiously made,
and live with it. All you have is what you
have now, and this may jolly well be what
you deserve. You cannot make
somebody to live in the mold of another
person. What you want, can however be
 10

gotten later with time, if due regard is

given to the cardinal points mentioned
above. Invest in time, patience, and
hope; to reap abundantly sooner or later.

Quality of Relationship in Marriage.

The health of any relationship between
husband and wife, has a direct
correlation to the quality of its offspring.
When couples enjoy a strong and healthy
relationship, they are able to act
concertedly and combine efforts to
understand their children’s strength and
weakness and become better positioned
to influence their outlook, including the
choices they make. All marriages have
their rounds of crisis, but, when there is a
thriving relationship; love, maturity and
time, will often combine to resolve the
naughtiest parenting crisis that would
arise. In all of these, the children and
society will be better for it.

Understanding the larger issues in

marriage.
 10

The role of the traditional family is

not limited to the love of a husband for
his wife and vice-versa, or for the love of
parents for their children, or for the
acquisition of worldly fortunes for its
members, or for the growth of children in
education and business for sheer
material prosperity. 

"All these are lawful and good, but they

are subordinate to the principal mission
of helping mortal souls to get to
heaven". 
- Mary Ann Budnik.

"It is the mind of God that a person

begins life within the family setting,
learns to love and be loved and to find
fulfilment and purpose for living. The
family is the smallest and the first unit of
society where the ideals of communal life
is taught. A strong and stable family unit
eventually translates to a decent and
organized society. An ignorant parent,
cannot guide and chauffeur the children
 10

safely into marriage. It is not out of place,

to start early to talk to the child about
how to make a good marriage and to
stay happily in it.
The success of any marriage should be 
measured by how well the off-springs
become useful and responsible members
of their society, in their various
endeavours, and not only by how long
the marriage has lasted or the number of
children in its trail.

The marriage institution is getting the

worst battering of its life.  A good number
of marriages don't get to outlast their
tenth year anniversary, when they do,
they are deservedly celebrated; a good
number hits the rock within the first five
years. It has become very heroic to stay
in a marriage for forty years, and where
this is achieved, find out, it may have
been forty years of belligerence and
endurance.  They are bound to be high
number of failed marriages, because
they are procured by children of flawed
marriages or parenting; they lack the
 10

moral and human formation needed to

grow into responsible citizens.
Unfortunately, today’s society and
family got unwittingly drawn into the
vicious cycle of hedonism and relativism,
so much that the child finds it
increasingly ill-equipped to make sound
and balanced moral decisions. If today's
child will be tomorrow's parent, then
society should brace  up for uncertain
and perilous times ahead.

Man, unfortunately has become fully and

surreptitiously entrapped by the
gratifications of ephemeral pleasures of
the moment, and has become totally
gullible to all the hedonistic tendencies
and offerings of the time; and ready to
compromise those higher ideals of
parenting, including the inculcating of
morals, sound judgment, and good
values in their children. in favour of
Endless pecuniary pursuits at all costs
becomes highly favoured.

Flawed parents: by-products of

 10

flawed marriages.
Most of today's marriages are procured
by a teeming number of Ignorant
Parents ("IGNOPARs", I choose to call
them). These are parents that fail to
show direction to their children and
wards, because they have nothing to
offer them. They lack the requisite
tenacity of purpose and strength of
character to mold and nurture the
fledging personalities in their wards into
the kind of responsible adults that the
society requires.  Presently, society is
being plagued, and paying the high price
for the negligence and irresponsibility of
these ignorant parents, and for what the
parents failed to teach their children
during their formative years. The
outcome of all these, is that most of our
young ones readily reject sacrifice, and
discomfort of all sorts, contrary to the
prevailing realities of life.  They go to any
length to want to have their way, even up
to abandoning their marriages, which
some of them see as needless
encumbrances. They are prepared to
 10

manipulate anybody, including their

parents, to achieve their selfish and ill-
motivated desires. These children are
products of IGNOPARS, who in
themselves are incapable of appreciating
and providing the spiritual needs of their
children, and lack the knowledge and
time required to direct, nurture or equip
them for the challenges of growing up.
They operate very disordered priority and
exhibit great truancy at home. They lack
the discipline and presence of mind to
construct enduring set of family values to
guide, shape and influence their
children's outlook to life, in order to
moderate their delinquencies. Here, the
popular adage, "Nemo dat quod non
habet" (you cannot give what you don't
have) plays out vividly. The concomitant
effect of all of these, is that the products
of these 'IGNOPARS' are as morally
bankrupt as their progenitors and are
grossly ill-prepared to face the hard
times, and difficulties arising from daily
living. They easily fall prey to bogus
promises for a glamorous future they
 10

have not worked for. They lack the

resoluteness to navigate the stormy
waters of an intricate venture like
marriage.  Yes, their children's future
remains at best, a dicey game of
chance.  They erroneously alienate their
culture and disconnect from their roots,
proudly aping foreign cultures and
practices, regrettably, much to the
admiration and tacit approval of their
parents' who are themselves plagued by
their perverse views and jaundiced
orientation. How much of virtues and
values can IGNOPARs really inculcated
in their children in order to adequately
equip them for a life of responsible
relationship, that could lead to marriage? 
No one should expect to get oranges
from brambles. 'IGNOPARS and their off-
springs are ‘same of the same’ stock.
Society is caught in a vicious cycle of
ignorant parents reproducing their kind. 
Sadly, these parents that lack the 'know-
how' to bring up upright and well-
groomed children, might have been in
their time, by-products of poor parenting
 10

and ill-conceived marriages. Shall we

really blame them? A starting point to
break this vicious cycle of flawed
parenting could be by taking a hard and
close look at the role parents are
expected to play in guiding their wards
towards marriage.  How much
information is at the disposal of these
children as they plan to dabble into
marriage.

Faulty reasons for marriage.

My involvement in pre-marriage classes
for young people in the last 15 years, has
revealed a yawning information and
knowledge gap in the minds of these
young people. I have often asked every
couple in my pre-marriage class, , "why
do you want to get married?  I've never
gotten a reasonable answer from any of
them.  Here are some of the unedited
answers from most of the boys who
ventured to speak up for the couple;
- I have come of age:
- my parents are not giving me a
breathing space, and I need my peace
 10

and breathing space.

- I must marry to give my parents the
grand-children they ask for.
- my peers in the village are all married,
some with three children.
- I have befriended my girl-friend for 8
years and it won't be fair if I don't marry
her. All her friends have married
-  both families want us to marry. We
must oblige them.
- We love each other.
- I have invested so much in this
relationship, that it will mean total loss if I
don't marry him or her.
- She asked me to marry her, and that if I
waste more time she would marry
another, and I don't want to lose her to
someone else.
- our friends tell us, we shall make good
husband and wife.
-  I am the only child of my parents.
- I believe I have found my missing ribs in
her.
- It is payback time, he paid my way
through school, and I must marry him to
repay him for his good deeds.
 10

- I don't know, I think we love each

other.in most of these instances, the
ladies don’t seem to have a voice

Who is to blame?  The ignorance in

some of these answers, is so loud that
they could wake the dead from sleep.
Many things are being taken for granted. 
The inadequacies in their answers bear a
direct correlation and testimony for the
frequency and prevalence of failed
marriages amongst the youth. The youth
appear ignorant and unsure of why they
would want to go into marriage. Whose
duty, you may ask, is it to make these
children aware of the true position on
this, the parents, family, school, church?;
who will make them know the 'why' and
the 'when' to marry?  The parents are
apparently not fulfilling this role. Whose
call is it then?  From the answers I
received from a particular class of twelve
couples, I came to the conclusion that
there was a problem, and I decided to
follow up on these particular group for a
period of time to see how they would
 10

reflect the teachings they had received

from the pre-marriage class in their
marriages. We created an online chat
group. to which I also enlisted, in order to
track their progress. I made myself the
administrator.  Five years down the line, I
reached out to them individually on a
private link, to find out how they were
faring, as I had earlier promised I would. 
The outcome of this research, revealed a
staggering number of failures; The
following startling revelation were made; 
four out of those twelve marriages , hit
the rock before 5 years of their marriage;
of the remaining eight ; two can best be
described as hopping on one leg ( at the
point of tipping over) and of the
remaining six, two of them live as if they
are not sure if marriage was the best
decision for them, while the remaining
four are still remaining in it perhaps,
bidding their time, who knows, waiting for
any flimsy excuse to jump boat. The
young ones of today, don't know what it
means to commit responsibly to
marriage, and stay happily in it. Who
 10

would have told them this?, if not the

parents. An article from the web
site legit.com carried a statistical report
on the failure rate of marriages in the
FCT, Abuja alone for the year 2020. By
February 2020. There were 4000
applications for divorce (in the courts and
churches) one church for one year
(2020) alone. If a casual extrapolation is
done for the entire year, it will reveal a
staggering figure of frightening
proportion.

Crisis of values.
The crisis that plagues society today is
that of ‘crisis of values’. There is a growing
decay of values in the family units.
Society is confronted by many family
disharmonies, and social dislocations,
vices of all sorts, among the young and
the old; and many absurd standards for
defining 'good' and 'evil.' Relativism has
become the order of the day. These are
traceable signs of weak moral orientation
within the families, no thanks to
widespread poverty and poor parenting,
 10

characterized by absence of good family

values that define and moderate,
conducts and attitudes. The family
influence on its members have waned
considerably, children no longer feel
proud to connect tenaciously to family
reputation, (not even for reasons of being
wealthy, large, or high integrity). The
family has lost its control and hold on its
members, unable to properly show
direction or condition the moral tone and
tempo.

The when' and 'why' of marriage. 

"The present state of unpreparedness for
marriage amongst our young ones is a
fallout of irresponsible parenting in our
time. As a result, the young ones are
either averse to marriage or at best
scared about it. The larger percentage
who embrace it enthusiastically, show
marked ignorance of the seriousness of
the venture they want to undertake.
Some water down the essence and
serious nature of marriage to
conveniently adapt it to suit their whims
 10

and caprices.   But, there lies

somewhere, the correct reasons for
wanting to get married, the erroneous
notions must be corrected and set
right, by no other but the parents. There
abound today, absurd concepts of
marriage. It has become commonplace
to hear such trash like same sex
marriage, trial marriage, and the likes.
These are aberrations, not originally
intended and ordained by God. These
are simply the handiwork of mischief, a
wicked attempt to corruptly malign the
nobility of marriage, or to detract on the
sanctity of the institution. They violate the
dignity of persons engaged in it. With
these unresolved issues waiting to be
sorted out by parents, facing up to
marriage becomes a frightening
nightmare for the child.

Raising God's children for the society:

Today's parents face competing
demands from business, to social
engagements, and other family
obligations, prominent amongst these is
 10

the attention to raise God's children for

the society. Life in the family is a distinct
reality, and it derives from the
contributions of every member,
constituting an effective means by which
each member can reach full expression
and potentials as an individual.  It must
preserve freedom and encourage
responsibility. The family educates the
child while the school instructs the child
in line with shared responsibilities and in
accordance with prescribed social
doctrines of the Catholic Church. To
achieve this, the family should foster the
best environment for the child's
development into a full grown person.
The family presents the most ideal
environment for acquiring the openness
of mind and heart made possible by the
experiences offered by moments of joy,
happiness and sufferings within the
family setting. Mother Theresa of
Calcutta once said;
" if you want to change the world, go home
and love your family."
This is a very weighty statement heavily
 10

imbued with deep spiritual meaning and

with far reaching social connotations.
It is in the family that a child develops the
capacity for love, for loving and for being
loved, not for what he or she has, but for
what he or she is. it is also in the family
that a child imbibes the virtues of
patience respect and the willingness to
share. While it is given that every family
is unique, and different from each other,
the object of every family life is the same
- joy, love, support and education.  These
expectations are better realized in a
peaceful atmosphere fostered by a good
marriage underlined by a strong spousal
relationship.
Studies have shown that when there
exists a healthy and thriving relationship,
man and his wife easily share common
vision for their child.
Bringing up children requires that both
parents aim at bringing forth adults who
are educationally and morally formed, fit
for the Augean task of bringing forth new
life into the world, through marriage at
later time. Through a common vision,
 10

parents are therefore required to strike a

balance between protection and security
to the child on one hand, and good
measure of freedom and respect for the
emerging personality of the child, on the
other. Every successful marriage must
aim at safeguarding the happiness and
future of the off-spring and teach them to
respect the sanctity of marriage. These
should form part of the principal roles of
any parent. The child should be groomed
to be able to navigate successfully the
uncharted waters of marriage rendered
more complex by the dynamics of the
extended family system. The least to be
expected is that the child should be
groomed not to be part of the problems
of the extended family system, either as
a daughter in law or as a son in law, as
the case may
be.
Marriage and parenting
The  family is a love nest for building
characters.
There are clearly three distinguishable
relationships for a child within the family. 
 10

Firstly, there is the relationship between

the child and the parents, secondly, that
between the child and his or her siblings,
and thirdly, that between the child and
members of the extended family,
especially uncles, aunts, and grand-
parents. Different dynamics play out in
these three levels of relationship in the
early life of the child. Each of these levels
is critical, and must be carefully managed
for good effects on the psychology of the
child.
The handling of these relationships at
home will certainly rub off on the child's
relationship with his friends outside the
family and at school.  However, of
particular and principal interest to us is
that first level relationship between the
child and the parents.

Responsible family:
Responsible families have strong
individual value systems and they
construct a set of family values to guide
and modulate the conduct and morality of
its members. The set of values are such
 10

that they are easily understood and

enforceable. They establish limits, set up
boundaries and erect rules, and
prescribe consequences. They must be
firm on those conducts that must not be
compromised, and lenient on those
matters of little consequences. They lay
down the rules when it becomes
necessary and turn blind eye at the
appropriate moments on unimportant
issues. Both parents are always in
agreement and have a clear vision of the
kind of adults they want their children to
be, and they adopt the right means and
strategy to achieve it. They emphasize
family name and connectedness. They
are religious and bring their children up in
the way and fear of God. Such parents
are wise, and they are also very efficient.
They bring up what I would like to call,
God's children, who will turn out to be
good and responsible citizens in the
society

Parenting styles for raising children.

There are three distinct types of
 10

parenting skills discussed in this book,

that a child of a successful marriage
could be subjected to while growing up. It
could be any of these; under-parenting,
the hyper-parenting and responsible
parenting. Each of these types affect the
child's development differently, and the
society concomitantly benefits or suffers
accordingly. It is therefore gravely
important to equip parents adequately for
the role of parenting. The child's eventual
personality is a direct consequence of
the type of parenting skill that nurtured
him or her. A child often times, becomes
the product of the parenting style that
prevailed around him or her. 
Hyper-parenting: Certainly a child needs
to be protected from all manners of
physical harm as much as it is prudent to
do so, but not to the extent of warding off
all the situations in which he or she
should make decisions to safeguard his
or her safety. This is called ‘paternalism’
or ‘maternalism’ depending on which of
the parent is guilty of this. it is an attempt
to project the parent's personality into the
 10

child. Hyper parenting does not help the

child to develop his instincts. Every child
is an individual and should so be
recognized and respected, as being
unique and unrepeatable. ‘paternalism’ or
‘maternalism’, thwarts and stunts the
child's development and growth process.
In this style of parenting, too much
authority is brought to bear on the child.
He or she is often straight-jacketed all
the time, being ordered about like a
zombie who is incapable of doing
anything right on his own. The result is
the paralysis of the child's normal
development and reasoning process,
making him or her, very weak and largely
dependable on others, in later years.
Such a child is being developed for the
mothers kitchen, certainly not for the
society out there
Under-parenting:  On the other hand, an
under-parented child is not properly
guided, they may appear more rugged
and more ready to go along the rough
terrain of youth and adult life.
An under parented child lacks the
 10

lessons and those simple critical

ingredients of human development
passed on from parents. His moral
conscience is not properly formed and
this often results in lack of capacity to
make sound judgments in later years, the
virtues of perseverance, charity, respect,
and fortitude are insufficiently inculcated.
The child is often not witty, and lacks the
capacity and initiative to resolve most of
the life's challenges. He is deficient and
incapable of taking decisions even on
very uncomplicated matters. He cannot
understand the interplay of freedom and
responsibility.

Guiding the young on to marriage:

What the young ones must be told, and
made to understand that marriage as
glamorous as it seems at the beginning,
is not a bed of roses; and even if it is,
roses have thorns.
Parents must guide and shepherd their
children and wards towards a successful
marriage.  Before they engage in this
intricate union, which knot is easier to tie
 10

than to untie, there are some basic facts

that parents owe their children and which
must be properly communicated and
understood, as they prepare to confront
marriage. Some of these are; that the
financial, psychological and emotional
load of a marriage is carried by two
partners, but the happiness in that
marriage unfortunately does not rest
equitably on the two partners. The
skewed load distribution is something
like;
- 90% or more of the happiness in
marriage rests on the patience and
sacrifice and understanding of one of the
partners, ( could be the husband or the
wife), and the other partner contributes
10% or less. So, treat him/her well, and
compassionately in order to get all that
he or she can bring to the table. The
special circumstance of a particular
marriage may make very extreme
demands from any of the partners, it is
therefore important to be emotionally
ready and prepared for whatever comes
calling. This position may not represent
 10

or conform to popularly held views taught

in a typical pre-marriage class , but it is
very close to the real life situation.
- Do not marry for beauty or for money
because they may not last very far into
the marriage. Base your judgment on
those things that matter; good character,
compatibility and love.
- Don't rush into marriage because you
want to measure up to your peers, or to
stem your parents pressure, or to meet
their expectations. Find a solid reason to
want to get married. Whatever that
reason may be, it must come from the
depth of your nature. Wisdom, discretion
and wide consultations, are of great
value here.
- Subject to serious scrutiny and
assessment, your love for your potential
spouse, and your spouse's love for you,
before committing to any serious
engagement.
- Once the choice is confirmed, stick with
it and commit seriously to make it work.
- Avoid occasions of sin; don't live
together before marriage for instance,
 10

and reduce peer-evaluation of your

choice. It opens up space for detractors
to play in. Do not indulge in adultery or
fornication; the attraction for them is
strong, it could  ruin your chances of
marrying your choice, and the
consequence could bring you needless
pain.
-Always be pure in your thoughts;
because sin is committed more in
thoughts than in words and deeds.   

Spicing up the marriage - intimacy

thrills in marriage.
Parents should not take it for granted that
our children are on top of their games
when it comes to marriage. They should
continue to teach, mentor, counsel them
especially in ensuring that their
marriages last.
Marriage thrives successfully on seven
principal pillars;     
commitment, sacrifice, communication,
trust, prayer, respect, and love, all of
which rank before love, contrary  to
popular beliefs.   Love could last but
 10

could also die, but in an environment

where trust, commitment, effective
communication and prayer abound, love
could last a life time. Love in a marital
relationship, is kept aglow by small acts
of intimacies which the parents do not
sufficiently teach and cause to happen in
the lives of their children; you can't give
what you don't have. Intimacy in
marriage is a very important but often
neglected tonic in marital love, the
absence of which causes couples to
gradually drift apart from each other, thus
spelling disaster for the marriage. When
intimacies are lacking; soon, the flame of
the love for each other steadily begins to
extinguish, then it grows flat and cold,
then decays and finally dies. Thus, the
disaster that was spelt by drifting apart, is
ultimately pronounced. We may all be
familiar with the ingredients of intimacy in
marriage, but we have seemingly chosen
not to utilize them to grow and spice up
our marriage life in order to sustain the
love for our partners.
Intimacy is capable of getting  an ailing
 10

(troubled) marriage back on track for a

guaranteed journey along the paths of
sound conjugal relationship and spousal
harmony.
The success of any marital relationship
depends solely on the willingness and
commitment of the spouses to make the
marriage work, and the number of
intimacy thrills deployed by the couples.
Only deliberate and well thought out
sparks of intimacy traits as presented
here, could ignite the passion and love
and do the magic of returning things to
the winning ways. Here are a few
suggested acts of intimacy in marriage:

 - a peck now and again, especially when

leaving the house and a warm welcoming
embrace from a spouse on return.

 - Strings of endless " I love you" and

make an attempt to live it.

 - endearments like calling your spouse

by a pet name, an alias (Nick name) that
he or she likes. Drop such appellations
 10

like, nna anyi, paapa or mama iyabo, mai

gida, papa Emeka, they detract from that
much needed sentiments or endearment
for a loved one. Be bold to invent a pet
name that could make him/her spin,
whenever he or she is called by it. You
know what I mean.
  - frequent phone calls when you are not
together, to show that you care or that
you miss your spouse......many times in
the day, whenever he/she is out of town,
is advised.
 - Holding hands often, taking a walk or a
stroll in the garden or in your
neighbourhood
 - just sitting around and discussing all by
yourselves, recalling especially old
romances and mutual moments of joy
- eating and bathing together. Please
work out time to make this possible as
many times as possible. These offer
great moments of self-discovery. It holds
its wonders for both partners. Take
advantage of it, try it out.
 - sharing the same bed ( not two beds in
the same room.)
 10

 - sharing good jokes  and old times

fancies and experiences together
 - common or converging interests, like
sharing and enjoying your spouse's past-
times and leisure. You can be an Arsenal
fan for his sake, why not.
 - Playing games like 'scrabble', 'Ludo',
'monopoly', or watching TV, together. This
will reveal some of the true habits of your
spouse and help you to understand and
appreciate the inner workings of his/her
mind.
 - occasional Short outings without the
children helps bonding
 - Eating out without the children - just
concentrating  on your spouse and
nothing else.
 - Except for the call of duty
( professional work, personal business,
or house chores), always try to be
together, listening and hearing each
other out, it provides great opportunities
for bonding
- Planned short vacations will help you to
discover your spouse.
- habitual buying of gifts for your spouse.
 10

- remembering and celebrating his/her

important anniversaries. - spells a
healthy and vibrant conjugal affinity for
your spouse.
 - sometimes, deliberately raking up
phony (pretended) quarrels in order to
take advantage of the romance and the
sweetness of the moments of "making
up" This works well for some couples,
but it must be properly timed and
calculated, to avoid a "backfire".
Whenever you choose to do this, know
when to apply the brakes.
- Doing physical exercise together, on
Saturday or Sunday.

This list is endless, together, they provide

the balm that soothes the rough patches
in marriages.  If you take note of some
these acts of intimacy acts, and put them
to practice, your spousal love in the
marriage will remain upbeat, always
lubricated (oiled), and the spark of love
will be re- ignited to provide a renewed
affection, a new experience of spousal
harmony, and bliss.
 10

Some peculiar interferences and

challenges in marriage:

The extended family system

a. The extended family system in an

African traditional setting, is often
misconceived and has become
synonymous to undue interference
in marriages of our young ones. 
Instead of focusing on the great
benefits of the system, which
promotes grand support and a
strong sense of belonging and
rootedness, it is seen and used as
a tool for control and intimidation.

The extended family system, is the

strongest enduring legacy of the
African traditional family.  Some of
the merits of the system include but
not limited to :
- tremendous support system; it is 
great source of support to the
young couple
 10

- creates a great family base and a

sense of belonging.
- provides a strong sense of
connectedness

When Extended family becomes

an interference:
A number of issues combine to
present the extended family system
as problematic in the marriages of
our young couples. A detailed
study of the nature of the
interference and their possible
causes could be summarized as
follows:
- mother-in-law intrusiveness, often
occasioned by blinding interest and
love for her son.
Lack of mutual respect to the
personalities involved.

- overstayed welcome of live-in

members of the extended family
- untoward or intemperate
behaviour of one of the couples or
a principal member of the family.
 10

- entrenched acrimony amongst or

between members.
- lack of understanding; when
members fails to understand and or
respect the sanctity and
uniqueness of marriage.
Subject of interference:
- failed expectations; absence of a
boy child
or pregnancy within the first 5
years of marriage.
- loss of favours either in cash or in
kind, often occasioned by dwindling
income of a principal member, thus
limiting or stopping expected
benefits to a hopeful beneficiary.
- Continued usurpation of space or 
fundamental rights.
- Poverty and ignorance, giving rise
to parasitic tendencies and
attachments especially when one
of the couples is seen as a cash
cow.
Minimizing the incidence of
interference:
- opposing or conflicting interests
 10

amongst some key members who

show lack patience, high tolerance
and good understanding of family
harmony and cohesiveness as
sino-qua non for a stable marriage.
- maturity, manliness and skill of
the husband (man of the house) in
dousing tensions, and addressing
issues resolutely without fear or
favour.
- no live-in members on a
sustained basis. All visits should be
short and purposeful, as much as
possible

Time "bombs" and "land mines" in

married life.

Couples must remain alert about

the dangers of very commonplace
problems which I have chosen to
call land mines and time bombs,
that could go off; and when not
properly handled, the resultant
effect could destabilize and even
ruin the marriage: some of these
 10

are :

b. Marked difference in social

standings.

The existence of a marked

disparity in the social standing of
partners in marriage portends
grave danger. Sooner than later,
feelings of superiority or inferiority
complex, rears its head to question
the basis, and rationale for the
earlier choice to be co-partners in
marriage. Some care and time
should be taken to project into the
future, the interests of both parties,
to determine foreseeable or
otherwise, likely areas of concord
and discord.  This cannot often be
done with any good measure of
success, but the thought spared for
it, will help the couples to navigate
the stormy waters of
incompatibility.

 c. Mismanaging ailing signs and

 10

symptoms

The following indicators are to be

looked out for especially when they
first start to become noticeable.
Refer issues that cannot be
handled in house to experts or peer
groups for advice or counsel.
Counselling is more effective when
both partners jointly resolve to go
for it.

- lack of the usual spark of love

occasioned by dwindling number of
acts of intimacy traits.

- maintaining or keeping different

bedrooms, especially when started
mid-course in the marriage.

- When either of the spouses

begins to lose the respect of his or
her spouse.

 - when conjugal rights and all that

define it becomes far and in
 10

between

- when the couples cease to be

close friends characterized by
strictured communication channel.

- feeling of loneliness and boredom

even in the presence of the other
partner.

- increasing difficulty to believe or

trust your partner.

- prolonged moments of hanging

out with friends, and truancy from
home.

- preference for meals outside the

house or frequent eating out,
without the spouse.

This list is not exhaustive, but

provide sufficient pre-cursors for
trouble

d.  Monotony of married life -

 10

absence of intimacy thrills

As marriage lasts, it drags into a

monotony. It becomes drab and
flat, and everything gradually
becomes a routine. The couples no
longer share things, even
conversation sometimes becomes
an irritant, the other spouse’s faults
begin to be more noticeable.  Each
day is like any other day, with
nothing to look forward to. The
marriage at this time goes insipid
and boring. Only deliberate and
well thought out sparks of intimacy
thrills  which will be discussed in
the following paragraph, could
ignite the spark to set aglow the
flame of love and do the magic of
returning things to the cheerful
ways again.

e. Absence of 'sparks of intimacy'

thrills:
When monotony sets in, something
extra needs to be done to ignite the
 10

flame of love that had once existed.

These little extras are called
intimacy thrills. A few of the
suggested intimacy thrills in
marriages could include:

 - a peck/kiss now and again,

especially when leaving the house
and a warm welcoming embrace
from a spouse on return.

 - Strings of endless " I love you"

while making genuine and sincere
effort to show it and live it.

 - endearments like calling your

spouse by a pet name, an alias
(Nick name) that he or she likes.
Avoid names like (nna anyi, papa or
mama iyabo, mai gida,) they detract
from the much needed spiced-up
endearment for a loved one. Be
bold and creative to invent a pet
name that could make him/her
spin, whenever he or she is called
by it. You know what I mean. A well
 10

contrived  pet name could melt the

heart at tense moments, and
humble a fierce lion to assume the
manners of a meek lamb.
  - frequent phone calls when you
are not together, to show that you
care or that you miss your
spouse......doing so many times in
the day, whenever he/she is out of
town, is advised.
 - Holding hands, taking a walk or a
stroll in the garden or in your
neighbourhood.
 - just sitting around and discussing
all by yourselves, especially
recalling old romances and mutual
moments of joy
- eating and bathing together.
Please work out time to make this
possible as often as possible.
These offers great moments of
self-discovery. It has its wonders.
Take advantage of it, try it out.
 - sharing the same bed ( not two
beds in the same room.)
 - sharing good jokes  and old-time
 10

fancies and experiences alone

together.
 - engaging in common or
converging interests, like sharing
and enjoying your spouse's past-
times and leisure. Why can't you,
out of solidarity, be an Arsenal fan.
 - Playing games like 'scrabble',
'Ludo', 'monopoly', or watching TV,
together. This will reveal some of
the true habits of your spouse and
help you to understand and
appreciate the inner workings of
his/her mind.
 - occasional Short outings without
the children helps bonding
 - Eating out without the children-
just concentrate on your spouse
and nothing or nobody else.
 - Except for the call of duty
( professional work, personal
business, or house chores), always
stay together, listening and hearing
each other out, this provides great
opportunities for bonding.
- Planned short vacations will help
 10

you to discover your spouse.

- habitual buying of gifts for your
spouse.
- remembering and celebrating
his/her important anniversaries,
confirms a healthy and vibrant
conjugal affinity for your spouse.
 - sometimes, deliberately raking
up trivial (pretended) quarrels in
order to take advantage of the
romance and the sweetness of the
moments of "making up" This
works well for some couples, but it
must be properly timed and
calculated, to avoid a "backfire".
Whenever you choose to do this,
know when to apply the brakes.
- Doing physical exercises
together. Maybe on Saturday or
Sunday.
- etc.

This list is endless; together, they

act as soothing balm for most of
the bruised patches in your
marriage relationships today. It is
 10

advised that married couples

ensure that they observe or put to
practice, a good number of the
above listed, I promise that their
marriage will be lubricated (oiled)
enough, and the spark of love will
be re- ignited for a renewed and
fresh spousal experience.

 e. Unwillingness to accept blames

It is regrettable that some partners

in marriage believe they can't make
mistakes and therefore find it
extremely difficult to own up to their
mistakes. Such a partner is
prepared to hang on to his or her
erroneous stance, much to the
chagrin and frustration of the other
partner. It is a mark of spiritual
maturity to take responsibility for
one's actions and stand by them,
accepting blames when mistakes
are pointed out. This quality of
character is not only expected from
a man or woman, but it strengthens
 10

the bond of trust between couples

in a marriage.

Why some marriages fail.

One very important step in

stemming the tide of failures in
marriages, is picking up early, the
ailing signs, talking about them
sincerely, and resolving them. If
done successfully, it will serve to
keep the marriage on the path of
safety and stability. These are;
some widely agreed reasons that
underlies the failures of most
marriages:

- believing that marriage is an end

in itself.

- extended family imbroglio and

interferences.

- conflicting or undisclosed selfish

agenda.
 10

- disconnection arising from loss of

focus on the ideals of the marriage

- sharp and irreconcilables religious

differences.

- Waning commitment.

- Lack of full disclosure, leading to

loss of trust and respect, followed
by infidelity.

- Absence of effective
communication leading to bottling
up of issues.

Antidotes to common crisis in

marriage:

- early recourse to an expert, or

peer support group

- being prayerful at moments of

crisis, preferably praying together
for the same intention.
 10

- private renewal of marriage vows

and the commitment to make the
marriage work at all cost.

- spiced up love and respect for

spouse and children

- Recall what 'mama' said about

marriage and its challenges.

- deploy those magical intimacy

thrills to re-ignite the spark of the
passions that have grown cold.

- Openness, sincerity and humble

disposition

                 CHAPTER TWO

SEXUALITY EDUCATION AND

 10

PARENTING

Let us start by clearing one persisting

error: sexuality education is not the same
thing as SEXUAL OR SEX EDUCATION,
which simply emphasizes sex organs
and sexual act and its physiological and
anatomical components and
consequences.
SEXUALITY EDUCATION on the other
hand, is  a structured course of
instructions encompassing six key areas 
that form a comprehensive sexuality
education program. Every aspect is age
sensitive and therefore at appropriate
ages.
Six key concepts/areas that should be
part of a comprehensive sexuality
education program:
  1. human development,
  2. relationships,
  3. personal skills,
  4. sexual behavior,
  5. sexual health,
  6. society and culture.
Parents should see themselves as the
 10

gateway through which ideas, and other

hard facts of life come to their children.
They are to be like the screen that filters
off unwanted information or like that
electronic circuitry that modulates a radio
wave to render it useful for higher
frequency telecommunication purposes. 
Sexuality education is one such area that
the parents play shy to bring their
children face to face with the bare and
hard facts of life, in order to properly
integrate them into adulthood.  The
difficulty and shyness of parents to
discuss issues involved, cannot be
downplayed. Parents will often avoid
taking to their children through this dodgy
subject.
This task can be approached in a
number of ways, but in the interest of
Christian families; any of the
combinations suggested below had been
successfully used to achieve desired
results.

Comprehensive Sexuality Education :

Sexuality education programs that start
 10

in kindergarten and continue through

12th grade. ( age 3 - 14 )
Abstinence-based : Programs that
emphasize the benefits of abstinence.
These programs also include information
about sexual behavior other than
intercourse as well as contraception and
disease-prevention methods. These
programs are sometimes also referred to
as abstinence-plus or abstinence-
centered.

Abstinence-only: Programs that

emphasize abstinence from all sexual
behaviors. These programs do not
include information about contraception
or disease-prevention methods.

Abstinence-only-until-marriage:
Programs that emphasize abstinence
from all sexual behaviors outside of
marriage. If contraception or disease-
prevention methods are discussed, these
programs typically emphasize failure
rates instead. In addition, they often
present marriage as the only morally
 10

correct context for sexual activity.

Fear-based: Abstinence-only and

abstinence-only-until-marriage programs
that are designed to control young
people’s sexual behavior by instilling
fear, shame, and guilt. These programs
rely on negative messages about
sexuality, distort information about
condoms and STDs, and promote biases
based on gender, sexual orientation,
marriage, family structure, and
pregnancy options.

Topics to be Included In comprehensive

Sexuality Education:
The revised curriculum of Lagos state
ministry of education for schools in Lagos
State advocates that Sex Education can
and should be taught to 10 year old child.
The Church considers this policy as age-
inappropriate, while insisting that:
A Comprehensive sexuality education
programs aims to achieve all of these
four main goals:
to provide accurate information about
 10

human sexuality
to provide an opportunity for young
people to develop and understand their
values, attitudes, and insights about
sexuality
to help young people develop
relationships and interpersonal skills, and
to help young people exercise
responsibility regarding sexual
relationships, which includes addressing
abstinence, pressures to become
prematurely involved in sexual
intercourse,
Erroneously, Sex education:  (in state
controlled schools) concerns and limits
itself to:
-  the reproductive organs
-  difference b/w male & female
-  pregnancy and its consequences
-  the challenges of unwanted pregnancy
-  safe or protective sex
- protective measures to be taken at
each stage
-  The use of contraception and other
sexual health measures.
It includes; human development,
 10

relationships, decision-making,
abstinence, contraception, and disease
prevention. They provide children in the
appropriate age, bracket, the
opportunities for acquiring the relevant
information and knowledge in order to
grow into responsible, self-conscious
adults.
To thoroughly discuss this very important
and wide topic, some understanding or
background knowledge in critical areas of
study, will only be mentioned, as being
useful for comprehensive understanding,
but may not be discussed. These
include:
- moral theology
- education management and planning
- law
- social communication
- Child development & psychology
- good parenting skills
 In discussing this vexed and sometimes
intimidating topic, we must try to keep an
open mind, and be ready to approach the
topic from point of view of trying to bring
our children and wards to good standing
 10

in the society, to become knowledgeable

and well-formed members of society. We
must at this stage shed the 'toga.' of
social analysts and commentators, or
child development experts, and put on
the 'toga' of parents, religious/moral
educators, and care givers, in addressing
the issues related to human sexuality
education", with  the sole aim of getting
our teenagers and young adults to
exercise responsibility regarding sexual
relationship, which addresses
abstinence, pressures to become
prematurely involved in sexual
intercourse, as a matter of responsible
and informed choices.
Sexuality education, is best taught by
parents & responsible care givers in
families if possible, and involves all the
aspects of the human person in the unity
of his body & soul, seen  as a divine gift
of God. From point of view of the
church's position, sexuality has wider
dimensions, covering all that have been
listed under sex education, and
essentially manifests in the great
 10

spouses' need to love and be loved in

marriage, and through it, spouses foster
procreation. Sexuality especially
concerns affectivity, the capacity to love
and to procreate.  Here you can see why
marriage is always linked to sexuality
education; - it is only within the context of
marriage that sexuality takes its
appropriate meaning and place,
according to God's plan for the
sustenance of the human race. It also
covers but not  limited to
- the idea of differentiation and
complementarity of sexes
- conjugal love - its unitive & exclusive
nature
- family planning (excluding
contraceptives)
While there may be some convergence
of views between the State and the
Church's positions, their timing and
objectivity, "raisin de tire" are significantly
at variance.
From these, we will then be in a position
to understand why the churches have
remained opposed to the way and
 10

manner things are being handled by the

state and its agents (ministry of
education ).
The State interference in this matter runs
counter to two very important principles
in the social doctrine of the Catholic
Church -The principles of subsidiarity
and solidarity.

Division of responsibilities between the

family and the State.
The principle of subsidiarity is indicated
as the most important principle of social
philosophy.
The primary goal of school-based
sexuality education is to help young
people build a foundation as they mature
into sexually healthy adults. School-
based sexuality education should be
designed to complement and augment
the sexuality education children receive
from their parents at home, religious and
community groups, and health care
professionals. Such programs should
always respect the diversity of views,
belief and values systems of the
 10

immediate stake holders within a

particular community.

Building  content for sexuality education

for our children.
Who decides what the children learn In
Sexuality Education Classes?
Individuals and agencies at the federal,
state, and local level, from state
lawmakers to school board committees
to classroom teachers, are all involved in
the decisions that ultimately determine
what young people learn in a sexuality
education classroom.
The federal government does not have a
direct role in local sexuality education.
Instead, it leaves such control to state
and local bodies. However, because the
federal government does control funding
for many educational programs, it can
influence programs in local schools and
communities.   
States should not be directly involved in
decisions about sexuality education.
States can mandate schools to teach
about STDs or HIV/AIDS, but limit their
 10

roles to setting state-wide guidelines for

topics, choose curricula, and approve
textbooks. Parents must continue to
educate and emphasize to their children
that Sexual act has its meaning and
fulfilment only in marriage. It is a no! no!
For the unmarried, it constitutes an
abuse to a divinely procreative process.
Marriage is the approved seed bed on
which all conjugal acts including 'sex
'derive their true meaning and value in
the eyes of God. When a good seed is
planted on a very good and rich soil, the
seed sprouts, grows, and produces good
fruits.
Similarly, when sexual intercourse takes
place in the context of marriage, it fulfils
one of the important obligations of
marriage. Sex should therefore be seen,
discussed and practiced in the context of
marriage only, it is an exclusive
preserve of the married.
Sex in marriage is therefore, noble and
holy, b/c it's ordained by God, and
should be so revered.
It could also be abused severally .The
 10

whole essence of marriage, as ordained

by God is procreation and
companionship. When the motive for sex
shifts from this noble objective, it results
in abuse.
Added responsibility
The vocation to marriage demands a
responsibility to bring up children in a
most congenial and peaceful
environment, and educate them in the
way and fear of God. This is not easily
realizable in a polygamous environment,
with its high attendance of distrust and
acrimony. The mission of raising good
children involves all round formation,
spiritual, moral and academic. The
informal education rests squarely on the
shoulders of the parents, within the
family home front, and the formal
education is by the school, the church or
the state. When all of these education
opportunities are lacking, the street takes
over, and fills the gap.  The state's
policies and regulations do not make the
situation any easier. When the state tries
to assume the regulation of children
 10

upbringing, they erode the parents'

primary responsibility, and the important
principle of subsidiarity is negated.
Occasionally, there will be obnoxious and
unpopular enactments of the State which
may compel parents to go against what
they strongly believe in their value
systems. Whenever that happens,
serious concerted efforts must be made
to mitigate its effects on the parents'
roles to their children. Parents should
acquaint themselves with some of the
provisions of the social doctrines of the
Catholic Church.  Parents are advised to
assert their inalienable rights, by
organizing themselves into interest and
pressure groups, supported by their
various church leaders, and appropriate
legal framework, to resist any attempt to
muscle, intimidate or subdue them into
abdicating their divine mandate, in the
interest of their children and society. The
principles of subsidiarity and solidarity
clearly outlines and delineates
responsibilities of the family and those of
the State in all social discourse.
 10

Child's upbringing - a shared

responsibility.

A child's upbringing in the typical African

cultural setting, is a shared responsibility
of the members of the traditional family,
and the immediate society to which the
traditional family belongs. The traditional
family in this context is large; it is a
communion of persons, united in true
and genuine love. It has its share of the
characteristic problems that affect the
larger society. It is not insulated from
squabbles, serious disagreements and
other forms of challenges which we are
familiar with today. But still. the traditional
family fosters the best environment for a
child's development into full and
complete person. The family offers the
most ideal and congenial environment for
acquiring that openness of heart and
mind that is made possible by the
experiences offered by moments of
joy, sadness and sufferings within the
 10

family. It is in the family for instance, that

a person expresses the capacity to love
and be loved on the basis of who he or
she is, and not for what he or she has,
thus fulfilling the real object of family,
which is love, joy, education and support.
While it is admissible that work is very
important, especially when monetarily
remunerated; but no less important is
that work which is not remunerated with
money, but instead with the fruits of good
moral education for one's children. This
important "education mission" demands
the active and physical presence of
parents, and should be aimed
at positioning the children for a future,
based on the capacity for survival
imbued with self-sacrifice and a fighting
spirit that surmounts difficulties and
obstacles. To land at the desired results,
some basic Christian values must be
inculcated, namely;
* parents must aim at forming individuals
who are not closed in on themselves, but
open to  nature and God.
* individuals who are capable of
 10

contemplating, capable of marveling at

creation, and of discovering the
mysteries of life and the history which
God is building within them.
* Individuals who are free spirits who
realize that all men are children of God
and therefore brothers and sisters.
* individuals who are creative, and
capable of being social transformers
within their environment.
* children who are respectful and who
grow to be useful members of their
society.
* Children, especially when they are very
young, are not necessarily asking to
follow us about or go everywhere with us,
most times, they just want some quality
time with us.; sometimes individually,
alone with us. Sometimes little attention
other times, total  undivided attention.
Most of the time all they ask for is just to
be our children in a true sense of it.

A divine calling.   Parenting is a divine

calling from God and must be seen from
that perspective. Parents are called by
 10

God from amongst the unmarried to the

vocation of marriage, for the purpose of
procreation and the consequent child
upbringing, which is easily the foremost
and most important of all human
endeavours.  In the words of George
Bernard Shaw;

 "the greatest social service that can be

rendered by anybody, to his country and
to mankind, is to bring up a family.

Result oriented Parenting - looking

ahead. The success of good parenting is
measured in terms of the quality of its
products;  the bringing up of their
children to make them happy responsible
adults, who are emotionally and
psychologically ready to take on the
baton  from their parents to continuously
foster procreation through properly
consummated marriages, that is
expected to endure.
The role of the parents is principally that
of a leader. When they fail to lead, the
children take over and become anything
 10

from lazy drones to tyrants, who neither

show respect to the societal norms nor
respect anybody's feelings. Parents are
failing full time to discharge this divine
responsibility. Parents must begin to
emphasize right from the infancy of their
children, the importance of the sanctity of
the human life and that of marriage. 
They should not shy away from telling
their children that the Union of man and
woman is not an all-comer affair, it is a
calling from God to those who have the
moral fiber and the anointing to raise
families. It is not a matter to be trivialized.
Sensitive topics like contraceptives,
family planning, sexuality education,
abortion, must be appropriately brought
forward for incisive discussions, within
the family circles, pointing out the
contradictions or evils inherent in them,
and leaving the children in no doubt
whatsoever as to what to do in all
occasions of conflicts or doubts,
especially at those times when moral
obligation and State or societal
regulations and enactments run at
 10

variance to each other. Steadfastness to

family belief systems, and the moral or
divine laws, should always be the guiding
principles. The gay movement for
instance, and the so-called same sex
marriage, should be singled out for
condemnation as the strangest
derailment of the human mind, and
abuse of the dignity of the human
person.

Preserving Christian marriage:

Marriage should continue to be upheld as
ordained by God and as a holy
indissoluble union of persons of opposite
sex for the purpose of procreation. It
must not be understood in any other way,
it is not a union of persons of same sex,
or between a man and two women. Since
marriage involves exchange of selves,
man cannot exchange himself with his
wife and still be available for another
exchange with another or other women. 
This explains the absurdity in polygamy.
Good parenting must include bringing
children up in the way and fear of God,
 10

who are very clear in their minds that

sexual act is reserved for those who are
married. Hence the injunction " thou shall
not commit fornication or adultery. It must
be drummed into the ears of the children,
by whatever means, that this injunction of
God must be respected and obeyed
implicitly. Parents should however be
held culpable and accountable for the
misinformation and disinformation being
peddled publicly and on social media
about human sexuality education.  It
should be presented as a well packaged,
age-appropriate, medically accurate,
information on a broad set of topics
related to sexuality. It should be tailored
to provide children in the appropriate
age, with the correct and sensitive
information on the subject, in order
to provide them opportunities to acquire
relevant knowledge and information for
growing into respectable I adults. 
The bane of society - Ignorant parents.
IGNOPARs ( IGNORANT PARENTS)
Marriage have taken on strange and
obnoxious meanings by a morally
 10

decadent society. To make matter worse,

today's parents (most of who are
ignorant parents - "IGNOPARs"), look the
other way, because they lack, first the
depth of knowledge and the strength of
character and tenacity of purpose to
challenge societal malaise, and hold onto
Gods words and teachings, in order to be
good shepherds to their children and
wards, in accordance with the dictates of
the moral laws and good conscience.
The wrong notions in marriage thrive
when there is a preponderance of
"IGNOPARs" who invariably have
nothing to offer their children, by way of
guidance and moral education. At best
they settle for relativism.

The "IGNOPARs"  appear to have lost it

all to the pursuits and pacification of the
flesh.  They place business and other
personal interests over and above the
family moral & spiritual wellness and total
wellbeing. They may be literate but
largely uneducated, they lack any
manner of formation, themselves. They
 10

practice no virtues as of choice, and

teach none to their children. They are
prepared to risk or sacrifice anything and
everything for the self-aggrandizement of
their malaise quests, and unbridled
concupiscence, to the detriment of their
principal roles. By their conducts, they
show poor examples to their children and
wards, they are ignorant parents
("IGNOPARs") and they produce children
who replicate them showing some or all
of the following traits:

- Their children are lazy, spiritually bereft

of noble and worthy thoughts, overly
ambitious but no capacity to excel, they
cut corners always seeking the easy way
out of every situation,

- they tell lies as if it is their first nature,

they are academically poor performers,
- they indulge in all the social vices :
smoking weeds, sniffing drugs, engaging
in profane thoughts and languages,
getting  involved in sexual escapades,
and getting exposed to sex earlier than
 10

they should.
- They verily enlist into cultism to cover
up and hide gross inadequacies of their
poor parenting background.

- they are very rude and disrespectful,

they rape and impregnate girls without
plans neither for themselves nor for their
victims,  they hang out in very obscene
corners of the town and become easy
recruits for all levels of criminality
including, kidnapping armed robbery,
assassinations, cultism etc.,

- they make bad partners in marriage

wrecking marriages, and end up throwing
into the society persons of their kind,
thus inflicting more pains, fears and
insecurity on the society.
How much the parents are able to guide
their children through these steps will
depend on how much they have to offer
in themselves, and the quality of their
upbringing.

A dis-informed parent cannot guide and

 10

chauffeur the children properly into a

happy successful marriage. For the
knowledgeable parents with lots of
experience, it is not out of place, to start
talking to the child about how to make a
good marriage and to stay happily in it.
The success of any marriage should be 
measured by how well the off-springs are
doing in their various endeavours, and
not only by how long the marriage has
lasted and the number of children
attributable to it.

Commercializing a child's marriage.

IGNOPAR is coined from, IGNORANT
PARENT
The prevalent ignorance of some of the
parents are pushing them to
commercialize and mortgage the future
and happiness of the marriage of their
children, by demanding excessive, and
sometimes, unaffordable bride price.

This, unfortunately, has compounded the

already confused state of affairs, in which
 10

good marriage materials are not readily

available and our youth wallow in worse
predicaments than their parents. It is
common to see ignorant parent(s) dig
into strong position of objection to their
child’s choice of future partners.
Regrettably, such objections are not
based on any sound judgment other than
the anticipated pecuniary benefits
accruable from the marriage. It sounds
very nauseating to hear the kind of sordid
reasons parents advance for preferring
or rejecting a prospective suitor for their
sons or daughters. They start too early,
in my opinion, to count their chickens,
calculating what is accruable from each
proposition. It is common to hear things
like,
-  " the man can't lift our family out of our
poverty", "don't you want us to live a
good life, haven't we suffered enough?,
-  What does he do for a living, he has no
car, he has no house, he can't even
endear himself to us by occasional
handouts during his many visits to this
house", he has a hand of glue, money
 10

does not drop from his hands,

-  who is his father, is it not so, so and
so?"
"You will never marry him as long as I
live". The boy child is not spared this
unwholesome manipulative coercion.
Now the key question here is; "who is
going into marriage?" One may then ask,
should these be the right concerns of
parents or the right attitude or posture?
Pecuniary interests blind very poor
parents from considering the future and
happiness of their children.  When they
figure out a wealthy disposition of a
prospective suitor, they spare no effort to
push their desires through to see that
their ward go into such a marriage. The
level of objection, when the reverse is the
case, is so vehement that it could be life
threatening, in some cases. They could
range from direct blackmail to diabolical
manipulations, and even death. The
whole of this book cannot contain the
unprintable things and the length parents
go in manipulating the outcome of the
choices of future partners for their sons
 10

and daughters. This has become a

common practice amongst parents in the
lower rungs of the social or economic
ladder. Parents who engage in this wild
goose chase, rich or poor, show no
understanding of their roles to shepherd
their children to a happy married life. At
the risk of proffering a template for
appropriate conduct, the  paragraph that
follows immediately, could be very
useful:

Typical home scenario - how far can a

mother go?
Tim, is 35 years old and a graduate of
mass communication. He has his way
with words. He has remained unmarried
and his mother Mrs. Barolu, a widow of
15 years standing, had continued to
pressurize him relentlessly to get
married, ever since he was twenty-five.
The ensuing conversation between Tim
and her mother on one of Tim's visits to
the village to see his mother, reveals the
improper approach or lack of it, by many
of the parents to express timeliness for
 10

marriage by their sons or daughters:

Mom: Welcome, my son. I have waited
for this visit, Noela had been waiting to
meet you.
Tim: Who is Noela, and what is her
mission?
Mom: You will soon meet her. She
literally lives in with me.
Tim: since when, and as what?
Mom: As the future mother of my grand-
children. She has been around since I
resolved to get her married to you.
Tim: what's all this craze for a wife, you
have five grand-children already from my
younger sisters.
Mom: cuts in sharply, “those do not
belong here, they don't bear our family
name, but the ones you will give me
belong here and are wholly mine and
they will bear our family name“.
Tim: mom, you are choking me with this
your ‘Noela stuff' I did not come for that.
Most of my colleagues, much older than
me are still unmarried, they are taking
their time to choose rightly. One thing is
certain, I will bring you a woman that will
 10

be my wife, this year, it is a promise. I am

working hard on it. It's not like I have not
been searching, it is just that what you
have out there are just wolves, looking
for your money and whatever they can
get from you". One needs to be very
discerning, if deadly mistakes are to be
avoided in the choice one makes.
Mom: Search no more, my son, Noela
is the bus stop, she is the ideal girl for
you, you'll like her, when you see her.
Tim: Mama, can't you see that I'm tired,
and would like a few minute's rest, after a
long trip?, we shall continue this
discussion tomorrow, if it still becomes
necessary".
As soon Tim stepped into his room to
cool off, Noela walked in.  Tim's mom
went to Tim to announce Noela’s arrival.
Tim: I think we agreed to continue this
discussion tomorrow, tell her to go.
Mama, Nancy my fiancée will come
tomorrow, on my instruction. I had
planned to introduce her to you".
Mom; I don't understand what you are
saying, we have gone very far with Noela
 10

's matters, we are just waiting for you to

visit so that payment of  the dowry would
be arranged.  Her father is a good man,
very wealthy, and kind. He has taken
care of our needs in this family since the
demise of your father.  Moreover, it is his
wish that Nene, his daughter, be married
to you, my son. I have given him my
word, we can't refuse him this singular
favour he is asking of us.  You know that
I don't need two wives in this house. If
anything should go awry with the
arrangements to make Noela your wife, I
will be a ridicule in the village, I will lose
face with Noela 's father, and you know I
won't live to face the humiliation that
would follow".  No, Noela is your wife",
my son, accept her.
Tim:  "Mama, did you listen to yourself,
and did you hear yourself?  You are very
much in order to say there can't be two
wives in this house, but don't you think I
am the right person to decide who that
one wife would be? definitely not you,
mama, or Noela 's father. I don't get it,
mom. I have chosen Nancy to be my
 10

wife, if everything works out right,  end of

story."
At this juncture, there was a knock on the
door, and Nancy walks in.  The reception
was both warm and cold, warm from Tim
and very cold from Tim's mom, who
sarcastically addressed Nancy as
follows,
Mom Mercy or whatever they call you,
please, I am talking to you as a mother,
leave my son alone, didn't he tell you that
he is already married to Nancy?
Tim: “Stop that Mama, you are taking
this too far and you are embarrassing me
and Nancy. I am not married to anyone,
not to Nancy and surely, not to Noela, I
am solid sure, it is never going to be to
Noela.  As I can see, I'm getting nowhere
with all of these, I will leave right away
back to Benin, and come back when you
are ready to show some understanding
on this subject, Nancy, please, pick up
your bag, let's leave here". Within
minutes Tim and Nancy were gone. The
bewildered Noela, who had quietly
watched all these from a corner, broke
 10

down sobbing profusely, at the turn of

events, realizing that her opportunity to
get married to Tim had finally been
thrown into jeopardy, she thought to
herself. She believed that Tim's mom
mishandled the situation, but would not
say so, and she took her leave, without
expressing what was going on in her
mind. From then on, Tim neither visited
her mom, nor related to her, on matters
of marriage.  The question that arises is;
who will play the parental role of guiding
Tim on to a successfully marriage?
Rightly or wrongly, Tim, was left to his
own devices, he wobbled and dabbled
into the marriage, without the much
needed parental support and guidance.
This short scenario, presents vividly, the
downside of parental interference based
on primordial sentiments and not on the
good prospects of a happy married life
for their sons, daughters, or wards. For
parents, "you can't cry more than the
bereaved." It cannot be over-
emphasized that the choice of a spouse
is ultimately that of the child.
 10

PARENTAL GUIDANCE ONTO

MARRIAGE

Roadmap for going into marriage -

suggested template for getting married:
The youth need to be directed and
closely mentored to take the right steps
and decisions in their journey towards
married life.
The following steps are typical and are
presented sequentially to provide the
youth, typical guidance and direction they
should expect from their parents before
venturing into marriage.  Ideally, the boy
child should be about 25 years old, and
the girl child should be about 20 years
old, ( no hard and fast rule about these
ages, give or take two years in each
case.)
Anything earlier, may have its down
sides. At these ages, and even a few
years older, the child has acquired
sufficient maturity and psychological
stability, to undertake the challenges that
marriage would pose.
 10

The following are milestones of a time-

tested, engagement  processes that are
widely practiced in various cultures,
towards getting married:
For the young girl or boy:
- meeting/identifying the potential spouse
or suitor
- talk to your parents about it early
enough.
- Start praying about your intention - talk
to God about your choice and seek His
approval.
- Establish communications, to get to
know your prospective partner well
enough before committing to  any serious
and lasting relationship. This is the time
to gauge, study and understand your
potential partner's personality and
possibly, temperament.
- Consult your parents or someone in
their place, they are in better position to
pick up or decipher early signs of
troubles/problems, then go ahead and
declare your intentions to your potential
partner.  Every culture has a way of
handling this aspect which is the onset of
 10

courting, and which is expected to

culminate in traditional marriage
ceremony, which is a very crucial and
important step in all kinds of marriage.
- As the courting period progresses,  -
keep the parents in the loop throughout
the period; to help smoothen over rough
edges in the relationship and to create  a
kind of rap pour, or bridge/bonding
between both families.
- The courting period should not be
stretched beyond reasonable time.  ( six
months to twenty four months may
appeal differently to different couple)
- re-assess your intention, and re-
evaluate your chances in line with new
discoveries or realities.
- As dating progresses; confide in your
mum or dad, depending on who you are
very close to, and renew your
commitment, but keep them in the loop,
and keep evaluating your options.
- continue with enquiry/consultations.
- traditional rights and responsibilities are
discussed, sorted out and finalized.
Concurrent activities:
 10

- register for pre-marriage classes in your

church.
- fix a date for the traditional wedding,
after consulting both parents.
- fix a date with your priest/pastor for the
sacramental wedding.
- Always continue to re-assess your
intention, and re-evaluate your
options/chances in line with new realities.
- Take counsel from people of great
experience and wisdom to plan your
wedding.

The roadmap is not cast in stone, it could

be tweaked a bit to give the right
guidance and direction.
It may not  also be exhaustive enough to
accommodate all available variants of
culture and traditions, but it is surely
worth considering, as a starting point. It
has a good chance of stemming most of
the blunders in today's engagement and
marriage processes and protocols.

Parental culpability
 10

There exists today, an unhealthy

competition, amongst the youth and
regrettably, sometimes, the parents, a
quest to outshine or at least measure up,
in terms of fame, affluence, and wanting
to make it big, quick and easy. This is
noticeable amongst the children of the
rich and the highly accomplished.
Children now prefer to go for professions
that promise them shortcut to fame and
prosperity.  Living life on the fast lane, for
them living life to the full is the only
option they know. They are ready to
compromise anything and everything
even marriages are not spared. Their
families' good names mean nothing to
them.  Someone needs to tell them that
they are very bad influence on today’s
youth and they have no right to further
damage and so worsen the moral
decadence in our society.  We can see
these boys form themselves into gangs
that are identified by the kind of reckless
life they live. We hope they slow down
otherwise their lives will be wrecked. 
One may ask, "Is this rascality worth it?" 
 10

Does fame and fast fortune equate to

success or the long and hard grind that
goes into being a famous lawyer,
engineer, economist, medical doctor
petroleum technologist, IT guru, or a
publisher?  there isn’t much money in
some of these areas, that explains why
millions of Nigerian youths believe that
life is best lived on the fast lane to fame. 
Frolicking spoilt brats on the loose.
There is this young man, Teddy, in his
late twenties who is a musician. He holds
the philosophy that ‘Life is all about the
money', this regrettably informs his value
system and that of his family. Do you
blame the child?  This spoilt brat is my
friend's uncle's son. His father is notably
wealthy by all stretches of imagination.
This boy is enmeshed in the utopian
world of fame, fortune, and sensuality.
He is highly talented and worldly
favoured.  He has carved a niche for
himself, in the entertainment world.
Amidst the fabric of controversies that
surround him, he enjoys a solid following
among many of the young population. He
 10

has gotten so successful in the music

industry, and has become power drunk.
He revels in intimidating and terrorizing
the public with a strong showing of his
mobile police escort details whenever he
travels around the country. He is there in
every controversy. His very gentle
disposition, belies his involvement in
hard drug related crimes. He and his
circle of friends, who are also sons of the
super-rich, live large and conspicuously,
hopping from club to club, and hugging
the night life big time, that is the ‘life
styles’ they know and cherish. In this kind
of setting, their parents exert little or no
influence over them. They get easily
influenced by each other's life style. 
What should be the parents' response to
this kind of unbridled display of rascality.

A favourite saying has it that; “Every

prince descends from a pauper, and
every pauper, from a prince”. It suffices
to say that one needs to work out his
future by dint of hard work and good
behaviour, not just by inheritance. The
 10

story of three gatemen, Ayo, Basil and

Kola, in a compound I once lived in,
comes readily to mind.  This particular
evening, from my living room I overheard
their conversation. Ayo boasted on end
about how he is a descendant of one of
the deceased Monarchs in Ondo State.
The other boasted of his father’s house
at ‘Ijapo’ Estate GRA, an exclusive area
in Akure in the same state. Basil, who
came to Abuja from Delta State, had
nothing to boast about his background.
Today, Ayo had been laid off and roams
the streets because of a drug related
crime. Kola has however, moved one or
two notches up the social ladder and is
today, a dispatch rider at a bank.  Basil,
on the other hand, runs a huge MDS
(main distribution store) which is
regularly stocked with drinks by Nigerian
Breweries for the Wuse community in
Abuja. He turns over millions of Naira
every month, with 50 persons in his
employ. 
It turns out that those who are raised in
luxury really show no incentive to strive,
 10

and may therefore not be able to

continue the trajectory of their fathers,
who often struggled to become what they
have become. That is why it is believed
that it is difficult to keep wealth in a family
beyond say three generations. Someone
wrote on social media asking "where are
the families of those long gone
Nigerian big men whom musicians
praised to high heavens".  I once met
one of Nigerian past leader’s grandsons
who was a cabbie in London. His dad
was a big name in his time. Privileges
has departed his household. These days,
privileged children may not be able to
understand why they need to struggle
like their fathers. Parents who indulge
their children with every possible luxury
even as students; first class travel, best
hotels around the world, the best
designer clothes and shoes, expensive
cars and so on – are actually damaging
the psyche and ability of the children to
grow resolutely. A good example is
presented in the case of Richard
Branson whose children travel in
 10

economy class in his planes, while he

and his wife are in First Class. That is
how sensible parents raise their children.
But, I know many people who brag about
their children traveling business-class
and being upgraded to first, just to
resume school abroad! Some others in
the civil service are known to pack all
their wives and children into business or
first class at governments expense.  I
think it’s being primitive.

 I recently told my 14 years old son to

stop splashing my designer perfume. He
should wait till he could purchase that
brand for himself. Yes, it could get that
petty. Hard work and  responsibility are
two important lessons to be taught to our
children.
 Just imagine how the butterfly struggles
through the egg, lava, and pupa stages
of its development, and how the wriggling
out of its hard shell forms its wings.
Imagine helping the butterfly to speed up
the process, you will end up with a
shapeless moth on your hands.  But, the
 10

novae riche will have and teach none of

that. There are mothers who pop
champagne in their child’s classroom just
to celebrate the birthday of their child. 
They encourage ostentatious display of
wealth and affluence amongst the
children at such an early age.

Parents choose to put their children into

private schools where they are taught
everything foreign, which helps to
disconnect them from the reality of their
immediate environment. A child from one
of these expensive elite schools in
Lagos, once told her mother that her
friends had fixed a meeting for New
Jersey USA, during the next summer.
She has proudly been engaged in
scrambling for visas and tickets for her
daughters meeting in USA. What an
arrogant and senseless display of
conspicuous consumption and
extravagance!  Parents no longer take
pride to teach their children their native
tongue, or how to beat the 'gangan' for
instance, but they will proudly and readily
 10

enlist them to learn how to play the violin,

and the piano, just to be seen to belong. 
They would go any length to train them to
become maestros of classic music. While
there is nothing intrinsically wrong with
this mindset, the mentality that
everything foreign is superior to
everything local. None of their children
for instance, knows how to play ‘opon-
ayo’ or any games developed locally.
Today, it is fashionable and elitist a 3
years old child to key into Golf.  It’s all
about elitism, and the super-rich cannot
wait to announce they’re distinct and far
removed from the rest of the society, and
would not miss any opportunity to rub it
in. Parents who are alive to their
responsibility, should ensure their
children do not grow to become worldly
minded; being controlled by the passions
and desires of the flesh, always
preoccupied by the zeal to make money,
drink, eat and make merry, trying to get
the best and the most out of the world's
offerings, and if possible, to make the
world their own. Life is not and cannot be
 10

measured either by the power one

wields, or the wealth he amasses, or the
popularity he commands, and the
positions he holds. The world is what it
is, because parents are failing in their
fiduciary duties towards their children.
Parents are expected to bring up their
children to be godly-minded; to serve
others, to assist the strangers and visit
the sick, to be last in order to be first, to
be poor in spirit, to enter through the
narrow door, to be humble and to always
trust and rely on the power of God for
every achievement. This is the sign of
overcoming the world, and being always
on the side of God, as taught by JESUS
Christ our super model, and practiced by
him during his earthly life.

This throws up the following rhetoric

questions that had been begging for
answers;

Why are children of accomplished men

unable to rise above their father’s
achievements or even come close?
 10

Let me hazard some guesses:

1. The parents have overachieved so
there’s no need trying because you’ll
never catch up. So they just atrophy.
2. The long and hard route to success is
no longer fashionable.
3. Their fathers, in struggling to get rich
never really raised these children for
greatness, or at best their parents just
pampered them.
4. Parents see their children as children
even in old age. That is why today, we
have parents who wholly sponsored their
own weddings during their time, now
engage in spending millions of Naira for
their children’s weddings.
5. The well-to-do parents never allow
them adequate exposure to discover by
themselves safe and unsafe conducts.
The children don't venture out or take
decisions on their own, and so end up
not daring before they get exposed to
bad influence in the university, by sheer
peer influence.
6. Young people mistake fame for real
 10

greatness or success.
7. Perhaps, their parents short- changed
them. "You don't send a child into the
ring to fight, and tie his hands behind his
back. "this explains the pitiable situation
of most of our young adults today. They
were neither groomed nor prepared for
the harsh realities of the adult world they
are headed. The options appear to have
been totally narrowed for them.  It is
difficult with the best of intentions, to
make a difference in areas that could
advance society?  With the prevalent
state of affairs, we appear to be
condemned to remain a non-productive
economy, as long as our young ones
settle for the glamorous professions in
the entertainment industry, and scantly
involved in the real productive
endeavours that grow the economy.  The
youth of today are not wired to solve the
fundamental problems of society, but to
seek the easy way out in the soft
professions, and seem fulfilled becoming
entertainers, either as musicians,
comedians, or actors and actresses
 10

instead of contributing to solve any of the

developmental problems, they end up
compounding those problems, that
confront our society. One may ask, 'What
percentage of these young ones are
turning out as entrepreneurs and taking
on the task of job creation or nation
building'?

Some children of parents in their middle

ages (35-50) and the ageing parents(55-
75), are stuck abroad after their first
degrees, in very expensive private
schools having acquired education and
are now held captive in foreign lands 
because they consider themselves fit
only for employment in the Western
World.  Among these, are a good number
of the children of top government
officials, senators, and heavy weights of
the business world, whose children are
left no other options but continuously
acquiring one degree after another. What
a brain drain!  It is regrettable that some
parents are failing to provide for their
children, the right orientation that could
 10

make them become more patriotic and

zealous, sufficiently primed to serve their
father land.

 If nothing is done to attract these young

men back home, to engage actively in
productive endeavours, or settle into
more respectable occupations or
business life, then, parenting coupled
with poorly articulated national policies,
would have done incalculable harm to
their generation. Money-making apart,
we need our children to build this nation
and elevate the black race beyond being
seen as just global entertainers. All these
professions our children readily engage
in, will not build Nigeria because they
cannot.  Those professions merely play
at the fringes of real and meaningful
development.  Admittedly, we have
others, who are doing great in the
entertainment industry, but it still comes
down to a life of entertainment and blitz. 
One may be quick to single out
exceptions like Charlie Boy who has
made a huge success of his
 10

showmanship.  He is famous and also

made his contribution to society by
engaging as an activist, though with a
weird persona, which is perhaps
necessary to get the attention of millions
of his fans to listen to his message.  In
contrast, we have the likes of  Halima,
Aliko Dangote’s second daughter who is
presently under-studying his father, while
working with the group as a strategist, is
a case, worthy of mention for the right
reasons.

I ask; why can't these guys combine the

irresistible allure of entertainment and
blitz with a steady productive career? 
Would they also imagine themselves
being musicians, social entertainers and
comedians in their 60s going up to 70?

There is a genuine concern for the poor

status of marriage and parenting today,
thus our youth on many fronts are being
short-changed. We often pray that our
children do much better and achieve
 10

more than we have been able to achieve.

To make a meaningful contribution, in an
attempt to reverse the trend, I have
decided to put my parenting experiences
on the line, in the hope that I will be
adjudged to have raised my voice
sufficiently enough, in condemning the
calamitous state of affairs with our young
population.  Parents must drill it into their
children, that making money and fame
through entertainment is neither
synonymous with greatness, nor is it
synonymous with a life of drugs and
alcoholism; living a rudderless and
reckless life.  They should be reminded
of one dirty truth; they will remain just
wealthy entertainers, and jokers, while
children of today’s poor will emerge as
the critical thinkers and leaders in the
society, and will go on to superintend and
lord it over them , thus re-enforcing the
adage;  "Every prince descends from a
pauper, and every pauper, from a
prince… "

This is applicable to the present crop of

 10

the youth that promotes 'get rich quick by

all means' mentality, that try to glamorize
sex beyond its utility moral value, that
emphasize the acquisition of luxury cars,
yachts and private jets, as the ultimate
destination in life, without a
commensurate means of livelihood. The
nation needs a critical mass of thinkers
among the youths. Unfortunately these
are not found in the peripheral world of
glitz and entertainment.

And for parents, our biggest prayer and

expectation should be, to hope that our
children surpass us in everything good.
That is how societies actually improve. 
Any society that cannot pass on good
ideals to its young generation, is on its
way to extinction. I hope our own is not

            
CHAPTER FOUR

FREE-TIME AND CHARACTER

FORMATION.
 10

Life in the family: quality time for leisure

and education.

Attributes that are associated with a good

family include:
* well brought up children that are
grounded in values that promote the
following characteristics:
  * mutual appreciation among family
members
  * healthy  inter personal communication
  * solidarity in seeking everyone's good-
supporting each other to deal with
challenges and help him or her to reach
full potentials.
  * ability to deal with crisis positively and
in a supportive way.
  * spending quality time together as a
family.
  * Concerted effort to promote a spiritual
life style.

Clash of cultural ideals: What impact on

the children upbringing?
 10

There are different mindsets and

approaches in bringing up children today.
Some parents lean more towards the old
school ideals while most others believe in
only what the new school has to offer. A
five-year old growing around her parents,
is suddenly confronted by his or her
grandmother who is visiting for a long
while.  Just imagine that the grandmother
insists that things must be done the old
ways to get good results, but her parents
on the other hand believe that a child's
personality should be respected at all
times; there will surely be a conflict of
values in the child's head, who may not
be able to juggle and reconcile these
opposing values. The wise old school
values and norms may not easily dovetail
into the flow of modern family norms and
rituals.  Through leisure periods and
family interactions, the generation
boundaries could be breached. The next
few paragraphs will be dedicated towards
strategy for achieving a generational
harmony.
 10

 Education opportunities within the

family

Organized Leisure and free time:

 The parents acting like team leaders will
lead the other siblings of the child,
grandparents, uncles and auntie, who
live in for a short while from time to time,
to achieve family cohesion and
understanding amongst its family
members, through activities like telling of
folklores, playing games together,
planned outings and vacations, helping
out a child with his assigned chores or
school home works. The grand-parents
most times, have a lot of ample times at
their disposal, and will often tell the child
stories that give him or her a great sense
of connectedness to his or her roots, and
a deep sense of belonging. They often
teach morals, as well as enforce the
family values that had been constructed
either by the child's parents, or handed
down from ancestors.  Most times our
children are not necessarily asking to
follow us about or go everywhere with us,
 10

No! , most times, they just want some

quality time with us.; sometimes
individually alone with us. Sometimes
little attention other times, total 
undivided attention.
Most of the time,  all they ask for is just to
be our children in a true sense of it.
Something as simple as playing games
(say LUDO), with your children, may
seem very insignificant in the eyes of
many parents; but a lot of morals and
values are very easily and painlessly
inculcated. It is easy to learn firsthand,
which child is unable to manage success
or failures; lessons of lack of courage,
fortitude, and magnanimity on the side of
the child could easily be picked up and
addressed at a very early stage in the life
of the child. It is also easy to take notice
of the character of a child who will be a
cheat, or disposed to cutting corners and
avoiding tough challenges. The poor
habit traits can be corrected while the
good ones are encouraged and
reinforced in the full glare of the family.
Showing an oversight interest in your
 10

child's homework makes you appreciate

how strong or weak your child is
academically. The problem could be that
his or her reasoning process is flawed
due to a number of reasons. The home is
the best place to remedy such
deficiencies, for which you are best
positioned to find out.  Don't wait to see
and know this from a school terms report
card, the harm is already done.

The dining table offers a great education

opportunities:

. The home should not be a hotel where

no two members keep to the same
timings. Everyone goes in grabs his
meal and dashes off to another activity.
They go home at different times to sleep
and move out in the mornings, only see
themselves once in a while. There are
many lessons of life and of growing up
that are not taught in schools, not out of
negligence but because they are not
meant to be taught especially in the day
schools which are in great majority these
 10

days. The family dining table is sacred.

The family dining table provides a place
where the children's sense of belonging ,
and sense of sharing are most
reinforced.

Parents should therefor work hard to find

time to eat as a family whenever it is
possible, and use the opportunities which
the dining table offers, to teach simple
table manners like:
- the importance of prayers before and
after meals
Things like:
- don't talk while eating except you must
talk
- don't stretch across or talk across the
table to collect or ask for what is not in
front of you,
- praying before and after each meal - to
thank the provider of the meal who
incidentally not the parents - thus
emphasizing dependence on God and
his grace.
Waiting patiently  to be served or until it
is your turn to dish your meal.
 10

-taking interest in the care of the weaker

members and the younger ones.
- habit of not eating the protein first
before the meal.
- how to share - imparting  Lessons of
equity and fair play

Family get-together:
These are informal moments for family to
get together and discuss ordinary
happenings during the day. What is
discussed could range from serious
issues of school results, career openings
and opportunities, life partners and
intended travels and plans, to mundane
things like habits, how to greet, songs
and stories that connect to the family root
and tree, how to get the best out of your
study period.
The get-togethers create opportunities
for parents to inculcate social morals as
well as spiritual values in their children.
Without words parents can during such
moments communicate love for
neighbour, by way of selfless  service
and care for others.
 10

Time spent together this way as a

family,  is not an idle time, and do not
constitute inactivity or laziness as they
offer golden opportunities for informal
education, for evolving family culture,
norms and traditions and to engender a
collective disposition to  discern, adopt,
and assimilate set of values. Finding time
to plan family free time and get-togethers
is a very important function of parents,
for family education. It is not something
to be left to chance or something that
drops out of the spur of the moment.

A host of lessons that could be taught

and learned during planned moments of
leisure include but not limited to the
following:
- manner of speaking and certain ways of
behaving especially to elders
- special prayer formulae
- family rituals like how to shake hand
especially the elders
- how to respect people and the elders
- how to show love and take care of the
younger siblings or the sick
 10

- Communication modes other than with

speech
- Special songs that shape the psyche of
children, like the one my father taught
each of us (his children) individually once
we hit the age of five or six:

Title: Always speak the truth

If at work or if at play always speak the
truth
No matter what the price to pay,
Always..... always speak the truth,
Never from it depart,
Always speak the truth........

This song has endured in my family, for

three generations, and has enthroned
'truthfulness' and 'sincerity' as the most
revered virtues within the larger family,
mine and those of my children inclusive.
Morality and values that deny or
sidetrack God in their content and
meaning are base, and of no
consequence. In order to raise God's
children, the parents must be Godly
parents who are prepared to show and
 10

lead their children by good exemplary

conducts. Parents should not wait for
performance reports from the school, to
know how weak their wards are, or wait
for people outside the family to tell them
who their child is. There are many great
opportunities to take the right steps, and
if they are delayed, they become as good
as lost, because the harm is already
done in most instances.
Whenever the home training is right,
many other things fall into place.
How much do parents know that";
eating together, playing games or some
sports with their children, sticking
together as much as it is practicable,
during those family fun times or free
times or leisure;
* they can teach children how to listen
and accommodate other people's views
and opinion other than their own?
* they can teach them how to share tasks
and demand accountability?
It is a good time for inculcating in the
children, the spirit of team work and how
to help one another to solve problems,
 10

how to evaluate each day, and thank

God for all that comes our way by His
grace.
It provides a privileged opportunity to be
with the child on one-to-one basis, to be
supportive and help out with the
reasoning process of the child.
When parent(s) engage themselves this
way, many interesting revelations could
come up that will expose early signs of
problem that would  warrant timely and
appropriate intervention. The child's
achievements Can be openly
acknowledged and can even form the
topic for a get-together. It could serve the
dual purpose of giving the child, a good
psychological feeling, and also be a
source of inspiration for the other
children. Furthermore, the  child would
feel appreciated that the parent is proud
of his achievement, to make it a subject
in a family get- together.

Playing games together with the children

It is well known that children learn
through play. It improves a child’s
 10

behavior by giving him feelings of

importance and accomplishment. It
shores up the child's confidence and
boosts trust. It provides ample
opportunity to teach the child to
persevere, play honestly and develop a
winning spirit. The strong and weak
characters of a child can most easily be
put forward during times of play a game
like LUDO with the child.    The child
could exhibit the tendency to fight dirty,
and cheat, persevere or give up, stay
honest even when the fortunes of the
game turn unfavourable. These are early
signs which must be identified and
worked upon. The good virtues are
reinforced, while the weak  attitudes are
discouraged and flushed out of the child
through counselling.
Children are taught to manage their
successes well and handle their failures
with equanimity.
Letting the Child Initiate the Play
A valuable learning principle that parents
should keep in mind is this: an activity
initiated by the child holds the child’s
 10

attention longer than one suggested by

the adult playmate. More learning takes
place when the child chooses what to do.
Child-initiated play also increases self-
worth: “Dad likes to do the things I do!”
Of course, you may be thinking, “Oh no,
not the block game again!” or “We’ve
read that story twenty times!” That’s the
ordeal of parenting. You’ll get bored with
"The Cat in the Hat" long before your
child. You may want to bring something
new to the same old play, add your own
new twists to it, as the play progresses.
You can Change the course of the talk
about the book, by asking questions like
“What would you do if the cat in the hat
came to our door?” or “Let’s turn this
block tower into a parking garage.
”parents must be very creative and
innovative in the effort to sustain the
children's interest in the game, even it
means, as is usually the case,  coming
down to their level.

Intimate moments in the family:

Children err many times in a day, it could
 10

be minor misdemeanour, and sometimes

very serious to demand more corrective
attention.   Mothers believe they can
effect corrections by their endless
shouting and howling and verbal
chastisement. In reality they form part of
the problem.  The solution lies
somewhere else.  The home needs to be
calm and congenial for the child to learn. 
The often cold silence of the fathers, may
usually show him off as the 'good guy'
before the eyes of the child, but, it has a
serious corrective undertone. The
fathers' silence is likely to be
misconstrued by the mothers, as being
counter to their positions, or giving the
child a tacit approval, which is often far
from intended. Perhaps we should give
more attention and consideration to
utilizing the 'intimate moments' to
admonish and correct the erring child.
How does this work? Listen to this
narrative to buttress use of intimate
moments:
The ‘Deko’ family
Richard returns from school on the last
 10

day of the school term, with his report

card in his hand. Looking dejected and
with head hanging low on his shoulders,
approached his mother who was
preparing lunch for the family. The
mother Noticing him, asked " why are
you standing there like one who has
disgraced his family? Have you failed
again?  Hand over your report card to
me!  I don't know what you've decided to
become, a cart pusher or 'okada rider', it
is up to you. Go inside, good-for-nothing
boy and wait for your father to return."
The boy cast a very derogatory look at
his mother and said, I am tired of your
harassment in this house,  if dad comes
back and toes this your line of
harassment, I will pack out of this house
for both of you, and who told you that
schooling is what I think is best for me?
How much of it did you have? That is
why you cannot understand why
someone can fail in class examination. At
this point she moved towards him in a
rage, but he stepped outside the kitchen
and threw his school bag into the kitchen
 10

saying as he did so, take it go and study

the rest, I am done with schooling, by
tomorrow, I am out of this haunted
house, where you can't allow me any
respite. The mother stumped out of the
kitchen and retired into the living room
and sobbed seriously as tears flowed
unrestrainedly. The boy did not want to
soften a little bit, he took his football
boots and left. When the father arrived,
he noticed that his wife is greatly
troubled. He asked " What is the
problem, did anybody die"? "It would be
better if somebody died", was her
answer. "Come, sit down and calm down,
and tell me everything."  His wife
narrated all that transpired, with a few
exaggerations here and there in an
attempt to make the case assume a
larger significance and a deeper
consequence.  "Is that all, we will handle
this together and I promise you it will be
much to your satisfaction."

At exactly 7 pm. Mr. Deko, Richards

father, asked if Rich as he fondly calls
 10

him , was home, the mother answered in

the affirmative. Two hours after, Mr Deko
still had not said anything to Rich, but
unknown to his wife, he was aware of the
intimate moment and was waiting to take
advantage of this. At about 11:00 pm Mr
Deko and his wife retired for the night. At
about 11:45 p.m. Mr. Deko told is wife 
that he was going to have a word with
Rich, the wife not trusting he could
handle this, without aggravating the
situation, and she added "please I don't
want to lose my son to the streets". 
Please handle the matter with utmost
care, he is all I've got. Still not sure of
how the conversation between son and
father would come out, she decided to
eavesdrop, just to assure herself that the
matter was not out of control. She was
ready and prepared to rush in and
intervene, if need be. She was shocked
to hear the first words of her husband.
The conversation between Rich  and his
dad went like this, after a gentle soft
knock on the door and receiving the
permission to come in:
 10

Mr. Deko - Rich, how was your day? I

know someone really got you pissed
today, and who could that be? Let's talk
about it like father and son who
understand the problem men face 
especially when the mothers fail to show
some considerations.
Rich - dad I love you, let me say this
which I couldn't tell my mum, what
bothers me right now is not the
harassment I receive daily from mum.
Yesterday mum tore my emotions to
shreds, all that and many more did not
hurt me as much as the disappointment I
have caused you by failing my terminal
exams again. Dad can you do me a
favour? I know how disappointed you are
with my results, can we skip the
discussion on what happened yesterday,
the things I said and what mum said or
did not say, I am promising you that I will
make you proud. I have firmly resolved to
surprise you and mum with excellent
performance next term and good
personal conduct in this house. I am not
going anywhere like mum tried to force it
 10

out of me.
Deko - Needless to say anything more, I
will do you that favour, I trust you will do
all you promised. If you have any
difficulty in redeeming your promise, talk
to me anytime, we can resolve them
before they get out of hand. I am proud
of you Rich, and with a gentle pat on the
shoulder, have a pleasant night rest.
At this point the mother who had
remained at the door completely at a loss
and unable to comprehend the sudden
turn of events, rushed back to the room
almost ecstatic at the result of the father
and son's conversation. She slipped into
her bed, inquiring, and finding no ready
answers;
Where did I go wrong?, what have I done
wrong?, Is my manner of approaching
matters faulty? Concluding and calming
herself, she uttered very much in
frustration, "I don't know anymore."

Intimate moments like bed times,

provides essentially intimate
communication time to get to the heart of
 10

a distressed member, to resolve naughty,

matters that are not amenable to the
usual mode of resolving issues.

Family TV sessions:
Contrary to all loudly touted opinions,
time spent by children watching TV with
their parents, ( parental guidance) is a
valuable educational period. The danger
comes when the child is left to his own
devices.
Parental guided watching is very
educative as many facts of life could be
sorted or straightened out. For instance,
a child needs to be told that everything
shown on the TV did not happen, most
are acted for entertainment. This may be
the first time to teach the difference
between reality and fiction. Those scenes
we call "no go areas" which render TV
viewing bad for the child, need to be
discussed bringing out what is wrong and
how they could amount to being an
"abuse" even though some of the acts in
themselves may not be evil. As parents
run commentaries, the child's mind is
 10

purged of any wrong notions of

preconceived misgivings. The parents
have to teach what is wrong or right to
watch. If these learning sessions are well
handled at home, by the parents, the
child will not be swayed to learn the
wrong ones at school or from his peers,
or worst still the street. The one I found
very effective in my family is; the oldest
child is put in charge of the remote
control., only he or she determines to be
morally okay should be watched. Without
excuse from anybody, she could blank
the screen or change to another channel,
because in his or her judgment, the next
scene is not decent enough by family
standards. Whether we (the parents) are
present or not, the danger of watching
just anything is taken care of.  The
television could be a veritable medium of
instruction if properly deployed in the
home. The following abiding rules should
be strictly observed.
a. Restricted viewing times - to be
observed by all including the parents
b. Parents should as much as possible,
 10

be around to guide the children or try to

delegate this responsibility to the older
children who are adjudged competent or
prepared specially to discharge this
responsibility.
c. Establish some viewing cultures for the
family. Let these be an outcome of a
family discussion.

Making out time for get-together,

spending some free time as a family, at
least once in the week; holds a golden
opportunity to educate the children. For
those in busy cities or in employments, a
day within the weekend is highly
recommended.  Ever stopped to ask;
who teaches the child those common
table manners which our own parents
informally taught us because we ate
together most of the times. Families
should set aside short period for just
being together and interacting amongst
family members.  During such moments,
the children become themselves and at
their very best, and are open to learning.
Just sitting around the dining table and
 10

sharing a meal could serve to be a get-

together, but it must be planned to bring
about the lessons to be learned
Children from families that eat together
frequently, are more disposed to sharing
and being considerate for others, thus
killing the ugly societal virus of hedonism
amongst the people.  The majority of our
children today attend the elitist schools
doting the landscapes of our cities and
none of these home grown lessons are
taught, so how does the child come to
these knowledge? Frequent planned get-
together, is a good time to push across
some of these trivial but character
building lessons not taught in the schools
namely:
- formula prayers for various occasions
- how to talk to older persons.
- how to greet different members of the
family.
- how to share
- how to support others
- how to take care of sick members of the
family.
- when to empathize
 10

- how to perform some minor chores

- etc.

Explain the usefulness or the reason

behind any of the foregoing as the case
may be, to make sure that every member
of the family keys in.  The older members
to teach the younger ones and the
younger ones to be open to watch and
learn from the older ones.  We were
watching the TV one day, there was this
scene of girls and boys dancing
erotically, in very skimpy dresses and in
very scandalizing and suggestive
manner, through my commentaries, I
painted those girls in such bad colours,
such that till today, my children believe
that those kind of dresses and dancing
are characteristic of children from bad
homes, and as the girls danced their
parents are watching them in tears.  At
their age this worked. They will often call
me out to see those children who have
disappointed their parents. While they
grew up, it worked out very well.  This
may not be the best approach, but it
 10

yielded the result I wanted. Your style of

achieving same result may be better than
mine, stick with it as long you have the
desired result.

                       CHAPTER FIVE

THE CHILD'S  PERCEPTION OF A

FATHER-FIGURE

    When the father is seen as 'the man of

the house'.

James B Stenson in his book 'Planning

Guides For Parents' states that" It seems to
be a fact; most families today have
serious problems raising their children,
 10

especially through adolescence."

There is a marked absence of the solidity
and soundness of the family and this
accounts largely for the  declining quality
of family influence on the children.
Today, the authoritative grip of the family
on its members appears far-fetched and
constantly being questioned. It should be
given to those parents who are doing
what is expected of them, raising good
children for the society. Families in which
the fathers show remarkable leadership,
are more amenable to follow good
direction. Let us take a look at the roles
and  characteristics of a father-leader,
who I could safely refer to as the 'man of
the house'.

A responsible father is one who amongst

so many other roles in the family:
- gives quality leadership to his family,
setting parameters for good conducts,
dictating the pace and defining standards
and limiting boundaries.
- provides protection for the family from
external aggression, and security for
 10

every member of his family.

- wields authority and defines autonomy
to preserve and guarantee family
uniqueness and distinctiveness.
-creates and sustains  family identity.
Foster deep sense of belonging and
cohesiveness among family members.
- promotes and engenders family
connection to traditional beliefs and
rootedness to its ancestral tree or
lineage.
- drives the informal education in the
family, by constructing set of values with
high moral and spiritual tones,
- forges and preserves family traditions
and culture and enforces good habits of
high moral tone.
- makes the right choice of schools for
the children; gets involved in ensuring
the school has the right kind of
curriculum to guide the children as they
grow into adults, through active
participation in PTA movements.
- he is the planner and provider of both
the psychological and financial needs of
the children.
 10

- he preserves the posterity by making

long term plans for the family and its
members based on his clearly focused 
concept of the kind of adults he would
like them to be.
- he is the family's role model and
mentor, showing good examples in
manners and conducts.
In addition to the above roles and many
more, he  should be impartial in
adjudicating in internal conflicts amongst
members, showing no favourites. A man
of the house is disposed to play the
advocate of the weak members. He is
the peace maker in the family, this works
out better when combined with some
measure of firmness. He creates
legacies, constructs, promotes, and
preserves family values.
He functions as the watershed of love
and care. He may not be the bread
winner of the family, but his leadership is
purposeful and directional, always being
that required heartbeat which moderates
the tension level in the home and thus
creates a congenial environment for joy
 10

and harmony within the home, making it

liveable and lovable. His presence has a
moderating influence on the anxiety level
amongst family members. He guides the
family members and its off-springs
through the challenges of adolescence;
which if not properly understood and
managed, could destabilize the family
peace and harmony.  The
mismanagement of adolescent problems 
could seriously question and even
undermine the effectiveness and
authority of the 'man of the house' in the
home.

The child's perception of fatherhood:

Depending on what the child perceives
as his or her father’s roles to the family.
the concept of fatherhood conjures
different sentiments in the mind of the
child. The man of the house connotes
fatherhood, and rightly so.  And it has
severally been referred to by different
appellations in different families of the
society. It will be interesting to find out by
what different names the 'man of the
 10

house' is referred to by the children, and

what considerations could have informed
their choice. These are different ways
children have over time, referred to their
fathers:
Baba, papa, dad or daddy, ‘nna anyi’,
‘mai gida’, ‘ba mi’, ‘palle’, ‘Baba Iyabo’,
‘Papa Emeka’, in some circumstances
strange circumstances and for some
strange reasons, you hear things like;
‘Popsi’, ‘ma men’ (my man ), ‘my old man’,
‘ma guy’. Let us see for a moment try to
see from the stand point of the child; how
these different appellations play out in
the mind of the child, and why the child’s
preference of one over the other.
Perhaps the preferred appellation,
evokes a distinct  level of responsibility or
conjures a unique personality of father
figure in the child's mind.
'Father' when the child calls the 'man of
the house' father, the image the child
cuts for him  is that of a character builder,
one he or she owes his or her earthly life
to, and who should be revered, a
protector (from internal and external
 10

intimidation and harassment), a provider

of physical needs, God's representative
on earth who must be obeyed at all
times, the head, leader of the family who
has all the answers, one who connects
the family to its traditional linkages and
beliefs, and ancestral roots.
'Daddy' is conceived as mum's husband,
a wealthy man with a big house, a big
office and a big car, a provider of the
good things of life, including; good
school, good dresses, and all the child
associates with comfort, a superman who
makes things happen, often times a
model to the child, always the first love,
one who he is able to influence or guide
career choices for his children, and who
sometimes encourage linkages to family
lineage and traditions.
'Baba' or 'Papa' cuts the image of a
proponent and defender of customs and
traditions, a link to ancestral identity and
connectedness,
an enforcer of family norms and values,
morals and disciplines, a watershed of
love, a mentor, a guide, and a source of
 10

strength and support,

'Poppsy'/'palle'/'my guy'
Any of these appellations cuts the image
of a man of the moment, easy to get
along with and who identifies with the
challenges and fancies of the millennium
child, a friend of the child, easily
manipulated, easy going and ready to
compromise just to get along with the
child, a socially connected person, not a
strict disciplinarian.

The classification of the foregoing

concepts should not be taken as distinct
or empirical, some surely cut across
conceptual borders. These concepts
should be seen as mere guides that
should be subjected to deep 
psychotherapeutic analysis to be able to
answer the following soul searching
questions:
Do these various appellations convey
any contradictions in the child?  Do they
mean one and the same thing to the
child?  Was it by choice or by
suggestion?  (and whichever it is, by
 10

who?) Do they matter to the child?

Whatever it is that informed a child's
preference of one over the others, has a
way of impacting on the child's psyche
and his or her expectations on his or her
father. It is interesting for every father to
find out which of these notions he
represents in the minds of his children.
This could form the basis for working out
a remedial strategy for the correct child
upbringing.

Parents and the future of their children -

the father and the adolescent child in
focus:
The bulk of the problems in families is
that of understanding the mindset of the
teenage child and dealing with it. It is
very important to have a thorough
understanding of the intricacies and
frustrations of the Teenager, which most
parents often under- estimate; parents
and in particular fathers are advised to
take a deep and hard look at the
following tips, and see what they can
make of them. The father’s mastery of
 10

the game of parenting and his in-depth

knowledge of the psychology and
mindset of the teenage or adolescent
child, are called to duty her. ( let's
consider some areas of interest and
attention ;
a). Technology in the life of a teenage
child. - try to maximize the benefits of
technology, but set parameters and
establish limits to minimize the attendant
abuse and risks, for instance, agree
ahead of time, on the TV viewing times,
establish and enforce levels of parental
guidance and control; there should
be 'silence' moments when all phones in
the family must be switched off, and
restrictions on the usage of gadgets like
computers, by installing control and
censor devices, for specific levels of
parental control and guidance. ( get to
your android phone and open to Google
setting, and set up the desired level of
guidance and control for your children.)
b). Understand, discuss and address any
emotional needs of the child, utilizing the
intimate moments described earlier.
 10

c). "Shine your eyes" and watch out for

these danger signs as early detection will
save the family very embarrassing and
hard times:
- introversion;
- moodiness;
- changes in the eating habits;
- feeling of rejection either at school or at
home;
- escapism, withdrawal syndrome
Any of the above signs or a combination
of them, could be the early signs of
involvement in drugs. For the fathers to
make a headway in the upbringing of his
children, there should be no pretensions,
or undue assumptions of the required
knowledge, and a rascal display of anger
and impatience over the shortcomings
and inadequacies of the adolescent and
teenage Child.
Consult widely to bridge your knowledge
gaps, don't resort to trial and error which
may result in moving from one extreme
to the other due to ignorance  or
inexperience. Always realize that an
emphatic 'No' or a loving 'Yes' may not
 10

necessarily be the answer. Instead an

appropriate 'No' or 'Yes' based on sound
knowledge and proper understanding of
the particular adolescent problem, must
always form part of the solution.
Avoid hyper-parenting with its destructive
tendencies, or under-parenting which
leads to the child's incapacity to judge
and decide correctly, thus triggering in
him or her, a crisis of self- esteem and
self- confidence.
It is paramount to help the child get his or
her heart and head right, while not trying
to undermine his or her habitual actions.
Fathers must not over-react if the
adolescent child goes rebellious, or
exhibits lack of motivation to forge
ahead, or show marked laziness. These
are normal and part of a growing up
process. The patience, understanding,
affection and attention demanded from
fathers in these circumstances, provide
the much needed soothing balm which
the child seriously requires. The father's
role is multidimensional, but at a time like
now, when everything seems to be falling
 10

apart, fathers should pay a more than

casual attention to the spiritual formation
and activities of their families. For too
long women have carried more than their
share of the children's spiritual growth, it
is high time fathers woke up to their 
responsibilities as leaders, and lead their
families to God. Every father should
begin to see himself as a prophet from
God to his family.  First, Go before God, 
and ask for his forgiveness for failing in
his primary duty, and thereafter to the
children to render apology for not leading
them rightly to God.
Ask God to assist you with this role, ask
Him to grant your enough wisdom,
counsel and patience to perform this all
important (God-given) role of parenting,
the noblest of all assignments in every
society of our time. It really does not
matter where your children are, in your
room, a thousand miles away, a
responsible father can still exercise
sufficient authority over the lives of his
children, and through ardent prayers
wrest them from the hand and influence
 10

of the devil.

The future of the child .

To a child, a good future is one that holds
in store, (and guarantees) his or her
expectations and dreams.
Parents should watch out for these
factors that tend to limit their children's
potentials for a good future:
  -low esteem
  - lack of focus
  - low ambition
These are character traits that are
correctable if picked up early in the life of
the child.

Being too strict or too indulgent with the

child is a way of trying to hide a 
deficiency or inexperience, and it will
result in the child living with some of
these observed negative traits longer
than necessary, and would take longer
time to find a remedy.

The future conjures different meanings

and fears to different classes of people
 10

and at different places, especially to the

innocent child who is poorly parented.
The complexion of the challenge he
faces, ranges from  business orientation,
career prospects, marriage prospects,
physical security, morality in the society, 
crisis of values and morals and what
most importantly, the uncertainty of the
future that awaits him or her. The
children of today have been short-
changed by their parents, through poor
and inadequate parenting. They have not
been properly guided, equipped and
groomed to safely navigate through the
uncertainties and fears of their future. 
Yet, these challenges which are best
dealt with by the parents at the growing
up stage, must at one time or the other
be confronted and dealt with, by no other
than the child in particular.  The parents
themselves are not insulated from the
crippling influence of "Fear of the
unknown" and "uncertainty in the face of
eroding economic possibilities" which
have assumed the awesomeness of
great monsters of today and the
 10

immediate future.   This monster will

either stop the poorly parented child to
greatness or propel a well brought up,
child to positive thinking needed to
surmount all odds to make a
breakthrough.   With proper preparation,
planning, hard work and prayers, a good
measure of success can be expected in
every situation in life. Every situation
(good or bad), can either be accepted,
changed, or rejected. It is needles to
waste useful time brooding over
yesterday that has passed or tomorrow
that may not come . All we have to work
with is today which is the seed of
tomorrow and the future.  It is true that no
one can go back and make a brand new
start, but everyone can start from now
and make a brand new beginning.
It has been proven that we can achieve
anything and everything if the necessary
mentoring, and the following
considerations for success are
painstakingly adhered to namely:
 -planning for it - there is need for clarity
of thoughts and ideas resulting in clear
 10

definition of need.
b.  Clear definition of need/ambition-
plans must be simple, achievable and
devoid of ambiguities

  - praying for it - total dependence on

God's grace and not on your ability. Pray
because it depends on God and work as
if it depends on you.
  - working hard for it - deploying the right
principles for success. Skill, based on the
child's capacity and interest, and also
based on his innate skill, and passion.
  - staying focused - target one goal at a
time, allowing no distractions and social
pressures. Show resilience, 
determination, and patience even when
the results turn out contrary to
expectations, pursue your goal with
vigour and always with renewed hope
Support and encouragement - Strong
financial disposition or a guaranteed
access to funds, allows the child to focus
sufficiently on his probable goals and
interests.  Properly guided and directed, 
the child would record achievements
 10

without parents getting on his way.

Factors that limit potentials and inhibit
success.
A good future is one that holds in store,
(and guarantees) your expectations and
dreams.
Watch out for these factors that inhibit
your potentials for a good future:
  -low esteem
  - lack of foresight
  - low ambition
  - poor parental upbringing deficiencies,
giving rise to  poor fighting spirit( lack of
win mentality)
Strict or too laxed with the child to hide a 
deficiency of the parents.

       CHAPTER SIX

DIFFERENT PARENTING STYLES TO

RAISE CHILDREN.

The fundamentals for raising a confident

child - Positive Parents Actions
 10

One of the most important desire of

parents is to raise children who will
become free, independent and self-
reliant adults and above all these, god
fearing. Certainly, in the early stages of
the child's development, he or she
counts on the parents for almost
everything; nourishment, cleaning,
protection, and even mobility. As your
child grows, he or she gradually
becomes more aware of his individuality
and begins to assert his or her
personality. The overall dependence gets
weaker and weaker until the
psychological gap between you and your
child becomes noticeable. This is the
confirmation that both the parent and the
child have become distinct and separate
individuals. The child at this point, only
requires to depend on the parents for
love, perhaps protection, guidance, and
support, and for imparting the early
lessons of life. As the child reaches
adolescence and move toward
adulthood, they become less reliant on
 10

the parents, gaining greater

independence in all aspects of his or her
life. This process of separation prepares
your children for the demands of
adulthood. But this progression towards
adulthood must be very well understood
and managed by good and effective
parenting, in order to grow the kind of
adults that the society requires for a
sustainable social development.

*Parents' Responsibilities

Parents' responsibilities revolve primarily

around providing the psychological and
Practical means for their children to
develop into full adults, capable of
pursuing their own goals and achieving
them. The psychological means include
providing love, guidance, and
encouragement in their efforts, while the
practical means include ensuring that
your children have the materials needed,
proper instruction, and transportation,
 10

among other logistical concerns

*Children's Responsibilities

The child's responsibilities involve doing

what is necessary to maximize the
opportunities that are given to them. The
children's responsibilities include a wide
range of basic attributes and characters,
like; giving their best effort at all times,
being responsible and disciplined,
staying committed, and giving a realistic
try to every achievement opportunity, as
well as, completing all tasks and
exercises, getting the most out of
instruction, being cooperative, and
expressing appreciation and gratitude for
others' efforts, that should be inculcated
to the child. This is the case for normal
children, however, there are other kinds
of not so normal children, popularly
referred to in psychology as the
'contingent children' that will require
serious expert intervention to make them
amenable to correction.
 10

The  family is a love nest for building

characters.
There are clearly three distinguishable
relationships for a child within the family. 
Firstly, there is the relationship between
the child and the parents, secondly, that
between the child and his or her siblings,
and thirdly, that between the child and
members of the extended family,
especially uncles, aunts, and grand-
parents. Different dynamics play out in
these three levels of relationship in the
early life of the child. Each of these levels
is critical, and must be carefully managed
for good effects on the psychology of the
child.
The handling of these relationships at
home will certainly rub off on the child's
relationship with his friends outside the
family and at school.  However, of
particular and principal interest to us is
that first level relationship between the
child and the parents.

*Conflicting interests in parenting.

Most of the challenges faced by parents
 10

arise from failure of the couple to discuss

and agree on what they intend to do to
bring up their children. Just imagine that
the husband wants to have a fearless,
daring, powerful and for some reason, an
aggressive adult, and the wife wants a
virtuous adult, respectful, loving, and
deeply considerate of other’s views, their
emphasis and choice of approaches will
certainly be different resulting in conflicts
and confusion in the mind of the child. He
will grow up to have a doubtful or at best
a dual personality, not knowing exactly
what personality to cut for himself.
Lack of preparedness to parenting is one
of such challenges, and it manifests in
trial and error method of applying what
they believe to be the  correct principles
in child upbringing. Ill equipped parents
will swing from one extreme position of
harshness to the other extreme position
of softness, all in a desperate bid to
cover up what they lack - experience.
They often find themselves guilty of
either under-parenting or hyper-
parenting, characterized by series of
 10

"no." to stamp their flawed authority or

series of easy "Yes" to express what they
believe to be love for their children. In
parenting, there is no substitute for
knowledge and experience. These
parents adopt this attitude with the best
of intentions for their children. They begin
by experimenting one way and then the
other way to find what works.  Whatever
methods adopted to achieve the right
results, should be properly thought out
and based on sound knowledge. A "No"
firmly and reasonably said at the right
moment, would always whip the child into
line, guide him/her, and direct
accordingly, while a " Yes" carelessly or
inappropriately said, would likewise
confuse and distort the conscience of the
child, impair his/her capacity to make the
right judgment.
Under- parenting, is as bad as hyper-
parenting, both are products of  in-
experience in matters of child upbringing.

'Soft' and 'Hard' parenting styles and

likely outcomes Understanding the
 10

essential responsibilities which the

parents must come to terms with, is at
the heart of the success of raising a
contingent or independent children.
Diane Baumrind was the first to introduce
the concept of parenting styles. She
treated exhaustively the highlights of
each parenting style and how it impacts
on the child at the receiving end".

A parenting style is a psychological

construct representing standard
strategies that parents use in rearing
their children, in order to effectively
control and socialize them. Parenting
style is important because they affect
everything from how much the child
weighs to how he or she feels about him
or herself.  Each style takes a different
approach to  raising children, and can be
identified by a number of different
characteristics.

"The quality of parenting can be more

essential than the quantity of time spent
with the child."
 10

In the article written by Diane Taylor

2010 and culled from the Internet, the
following parenting style categorization
have become popular.

Baumrind classification.

The six distinctive parenting styles,

namely;

1. Authoritarian (or Disciplinarian)

parenting

- the children should be seen not heard

when it comes to rules, it is my "way" or
the "highway."

- The child's feelings are not taken into

consideration. It is always "because I
said so"

- rules are not negotiated but must be

obeyed.

- preference of punishment to discipline. 

 10

- rules must be followed without

exception. Authoritarians focus on
obedience to rules.

- shields children from problem solving,

challenges or obstacles.

- rules are made, and consequences are

enforced,

- little regard for the child's opinion.

Likely Outcome: the child is good at

following and obeying rules. Likely to
have self-esteem problems. The child
may become hostile and aggressive.
Often become good liars in attempt to
avoid punishment.

2. Authoritative parenting (The winning

formulae)

- puts a lot of efforts into creating and

 10

maintaining a positive relationship with

the children.

- Invests more time and energy into

preventing behaviour problems.

- tries to explain the reasons behind the

rules.

- addresses promptly every serious

misdemeanours and turning blind eyes to
minor conducts that fall out of line.

Likely Outcome: the child will most likely

become responsible adult who feels
comfortable expressing his or her
opinions. Tends to be happy and
successful. Good at making decisions
and evaluating safety risks on their own.

3. Helicopter parenting:

- hyper-parenting tendencies.

- attempts to ward off all dangers for the

child.
 10

- expects the child to see everything

through the parent's eyes.

Likely Outcome: lacks self-confidence

and esteem. Lacks courage and unable
to access and navigate himself or herself
away from troubles and awkward
situations.

4. Uninvolved Parenting

- rarely cares to know where the child is ,

what the child is doing, or who the child
hangs out with.

- Does not spend much time with the

child.

- They are few rules, and the child may

not receive much guidance. They are
ignorant parents (IGNOPARS ).

Likely Outcome:  children understand

they must raise themselves. They
struggle with self-esteem issues. They
 10

perform poorly at school and rank very

low in happiness.

5. Attachment. Parenting

- over- bearing presence around the

child.

- Ever ready to provide the child's

physical and emotional needs.

- no rules are set, since the child is tied

to the apron strings of the mother.

- whatever to child wants is what the

parent gives. As a baby, the child spends
many hours a day in a caregiver’s arms,
is worn in a sling, breastfed on cue, and
her cries are sensitively responded to.

Likely outcome. Child receives high

touch parenting, feels loved and
pampered. Struggles to deal with healthy
frustrations, and to adjust to changes as
he or she grows older.
 10

6. Permissive  parenting -

-setting the rules, but rarely enforcing

them, consequences are not often given.

- believing the child will learn best with

little interference.

- playing more of friend's role than

parent's role. They are lenient and quite
forgiving, believing that kids must be
kids.

- usually does not put in much effort into

discouraging poor choices or bad
behavior.

Likely Outcome: does not appreciate

authority or rules.  Often struggle with
academics and show marked low
esteem. likely at higher risk of health
problems, like obesity cos parents don't
enforce good eating habits.

7. Democratic parenting
 10

- rules must be discussed and

negotiated;

- no correct or wrong way of doing things.

If it is okay with majority of the children, it
is okay for every child.

Likely Outcome: could be anything from

excellent outcome to disgraceful
outcome, from being highly successful to
being a miserable failure, depending on
how much dependent the child is. They
may rank high in self-esteem and tend to
be successful and permissive

           PARENTING MODELS

The several distinctive styles will produce

either of two kinds of children, the
Independent or the contingent child. 
Depending on the parental style of the
parents, the amount of freedom allowed
for children to develop their own
responsibility and independence, differ
appreciably from child to child, and from
 10

parent to parent. A particular parent may

however, exhibit traits which cut across
more than one or two of these styles.

Taylor's Law of Family Responsibilities

states that:

'if family members fulfil  their own

responsibilities and do not stray to assume
others' responsibilities, then there are high
chances that the children would develop
into independent people and everyone is
happy.

Dependent (contingent) children are

under-parented children. They may be
the outcome of real economic challenges
that demand that both parents engage in
full time remunerative activities, and end
up breeding children that are dependent
on others for how they feel about
themselves. These are the contingent
children. Psychologists have identified
different types of contingent children. All
of them are created in similar ways.
Children develop a particular contingent
 10

tendency depending on the mixture of

the child's temperaments, the parent's
temperament, and the parental skills
deployed by the parents in the child's
upbringing. Some parents want to foster
this dependence. These parents act on
their own needs for power, and use
control and coercion to ensure that they
remain the dominant forces in their
children's lives. The reverse of this is
hyper-parenting. This kind of parenting
seeks to project their personalities into
their children, robbing them the
opportunity to develop their own capacity
and initiative to reason out and take
decisions on their own. Contingent
children can be recognized  in the
following ways:

depend on others to provide them with

incentive to achieve.
depend on others for their happiness
because they have no ownership of their
lives and little responsibility for their own
thoughts, emotions, and actions.
reinforced with inappropriate rewards
 10

and no limits, and regardless of their

behaviour.
poor decision makers because their
parents hold the belief that they always
know what is best and make decisions
without soliciting their children's wishes.
Independent Children differ from
contingent children in several essential
ways. If children are independent, they
have been provided with the belief that
they are competent and capable of taking
care of themselves. They have been
offered the guidance to find activities that
are meaningful and satisfying. Such
children have been tutored, to believe in
themselves, have the freedom to
experience life fully and learn some of its
many important lessons. Independent
children can be recognized in the
following ways:

intrinsically motivated because they are

allowed to find their own reasons to
achieve.
exude great confidence  having been
given  the opportunity and guidance to
 10

explore activities of their own choosing,

and take full responsibilities for them.
extrinsic rewards are appropriately and
sparingly used by their parents.
collaborative rather than a controlled
relationship with their parents in which
the children's ideas and wishes are
solicited, considered and allowed to
blossom.
good decision makers because they
were allowed to consider various options
and, with the support and guidance of
their parents, make their own decisions.

 There are five types of contingent

(under-parented) children that pose
greatest challenge to parents, and which
must be identified for special mention.
Parents who have children in these
categories, are advised to seek expert
advice, and these include;

a. Pleasers; Pleasers will do everything

they can to get the love and attention
they crave. Pleasers may often be
 10

perceived as model children who are

successful and exceptionally pleasing to
others. Yet, in pleasing others, they often
neglect their own needs and, as a result,
are unfulfilled, resentful, and unhappy.

b. Disappointers; "Disappointers" are

non-achievers who never live up to
expectations. They are usually bright and
demonstrate promise in a number of
areas, for example, they often score
highly on IQ and achievement tests, yet
they rarely accomplish anything.
Disappointers are easily overwhelmed by
challenges, and they relieve the pressure
they feel from their parents by simply not
trying. Disappointers avoid their parents'
expectations by sabotaging themselves,
for example, with lack of effort or
avoidance of an achievement activity, or
even a more serious significant problem
behaviour such as drug use or criminal
misconduct.

c. Reactors; do the exact opposite of

whatever their parents want them to do.
 10

This is often mistaken to be

independence, No, it is not, reactors are
very much dependent children in a
paradoxical way.   They feel controlled by
their parents and also feel powerless to
directly assert themselves against their
constraints. They first wait to see what
their parents want them to do, then they
choose a course that is in direct
opposition to it. This reactive
behaviour usually emerges as in
nonconformist dressing, poor grades in
school, unacceptable peer relations and
influence, and possibly, drug and
alcoholism.

d. Frustraters; cause tremendous

frustrations in their parents. They are not
"bad kids" and they rarely get into
troubles. They do pretty well in school
and in other achievement settings, and
yet they are viewed as underachievers
who perform below their potentials. They
have all the ability to score for instance a
B+ but will not put in that little more effort
to get it, rather they settle for B. They will
 10

choose not to put in just a little more

effort to be named the best in a tightly
contested sports competition. It is difficult
to identify these kind of children so that
they could be helped. Every effort and
attention thrown at them by way of trying
to help ends up frustrated.

e. Rejecters; Rejecters refuse their

parents' expectations, choosing a course
of his own in spite of their parents'
objections. Rejecters do not simply react
by choosing the opposite, but rather
thoroughly discard whatever their parents
have to offer. Rejecters may be viewed
as the healthiest and most adaptive of
the five kinds of contingent children
because they have separated from dial
program to help re-direct the child. 

Advice to index parents:

Index parents are the parents of any of

these under-parented (contingent )
children. Of greater concern is when a
combination of any of these types, finds
 10

a home in a child as some parents are

presently having.  A comforting advice to
such parents:

Surely but steadily work towards being

very close to the child, showing him/her
adequate love and attention, in order to
win back your child's friendship and
confidence; the much desired restoration
journey to normalcy may be arduous and
difficult, but surely, might just have
started. Then embark on a program of:-

Teaching them to have control over their

lives.
Providing guidance and then giving them
the freedom to make their own decisions.
Giving a helicopter protection, only, if
serious injury or life is threatened.
Loosen your grip and control,  and be
available to help.

Growing independent children - doing

it right.

Setting a good example. One of the best

(and I hardest) ways to engender
 10

responsible behavior is to be a good role

model with your own possessions – put
your car keys where they belong instead
of on the dining room table, and tidy up
your shoe rack instead of leaving them
all over the floor.

Choose age-appropriate tasks. Kids this

age should be handling at least some
tasks that require self-reliance and
dependability. Your primary-school
fresher can make his bed every morning,
load the dishwasher, or sweep up the
kitchen floor. You can also help him learn
to plan ahead if you task the child to get
ready his/her school back pack against
the next day.
A primary school fresher can also learn
about responsibility to the community. So
bring him along to a cleanup day at the
church premises, or get involved in a
community drain cleaning project. He'll
take pride in his contributions toward
improving his neighborhood.

Teach first things first. Your youngster

 10

knows by now that work comes before

play, but you still need to reinforce the
basic rule of "work then play. For
instance, you can say things like; "I want
to go footballing, but remember, first we
need to clean up the kitchen after lunch."
Be friendly and admit that you, too, prefer
the fun, then he knows that you're not
being bossy, but are simply expecting
him to behave responsibly.

Make the job a game. Remember we all

enjoy tasks more when they're fun, or
social occasions. Your grade-schooler
will love helping to wash cars at church
on a Sunday morning for instance as part
of harvest fund raising.

Teach them to take and accept

Responsibility as part of freedom.
One of your tasks as the parent is to
teach the children about responsibility.
The best way to ensure that the parents
and the children assume the appropriate
responsibilities is for each to know what
his or her responsibilities are. This can
 10

begin with sharing and detailing out

house chores.
If the parents and the children have a
clear understanding of what is expected
of them, then it will be easier to stay
within the confines of those established
responsibilities. The widely adopted
practice of "house help" will not make for
easy understanding of responsibilities.
We need to make a list of what we as a
parents consider will be done by the
house help, what the children will do and
what we should do. Anything that is
considered useful to help the children
succeed in their assigned tasks, should
be provided. Then, get the children to
make a list of what their responsibilities
should be. We must try to identify and
close ranks with other individuals who
have responsibilities (and what they are)
in the children's achievement activities,
such as teachers, instructors, or
coaches.
There should also be consequences for
not fulfilling responsibilities. The best
consequences are those that remove
 10

something of importance to the children

and give them the control to get it back
by acting appropriately. This process
provides absolute clarity to both the
parent and the children about who should
do what. It also allows for no confusion at
a later point when either someone of
steps over the line and assume another's
responsibilities or neglects his or her
own.

Establishing responsibility and

Accountability.
Many parts of our culture send a
message to children that nothing is their
fault. Whether rationalizing bad behavior,
looking for scapegoats on which to blame
misfortune, or faulting others for their
failures, children need not be told that
they do not need to be responsible for
their actions, the ability of children to hold
themselves accountable for their actions
is a critical part of becoming
independent. Children must be taught
early enough that the reluctance to take
responsibility for one's actions is based
 10

on the desire to protect oneself from

failure. By blaming outside factors, such
as other people, bad luck, or unfairness,
children can safeguard their egos from
harm, and yet, responsibility is like two
sides of the same coin. Children can't
take responsibility for their achievements
and successes unless they are willing to
take responsibility for their mistakes and
failures. When children are given
freedom they should also be given a fair
share of responsibilities.

Establishing reality and independence

through Exploration. 
Don't overprotect a child. Early in a
child's life, parents need to keep them on
a fairly short "leash" to ensure their
safety. This care is good but could build
a false sense of security in the child, by
teaching him or her that the parents are
always hovering overhead to protect
them from threat or challenge. Let the
child explore and find somethings by him
or herself unaided, it is good for the
child's development process. There is,
 10

however, a fine line between security and

dependence. When the children have
established their sense of security, they
must then be encouraged to explore the
world beyond the safety net that the
parents provide. This "push out of the
nest" allows the children to test their own
capabilities in the "real world" and to find
a sense of competence, security, and
independence within themselves.

Phrase things in a positive way.

Jerry Wyckoff, a family psychologist and
the coauthor of Twenty Teachable
Virtues, suggests using what he calls
"Grandma's rule" to encourage
responsible behavior. Instead of issuing
an ultimatum ("If you don't, then you
won't"), Grandma's rule says, "When
you've done what you have to do, then
you get to do what you want to do."
"Grandma's rule makes it clear that your
household has rules that everyone
follows," says Wyckoff. If your child says,
"John asked me to come over to his
house today. I want to go," respond with,
 10

"When you've finished your homework,

then you can go play." Saying, "If you
finish your homework, I'll take you to a
movie," on the other hand, really just
bribes your grade-schooler for what
should be ordinary behavior – and it
raises the possibility that he'll decide he
can live without the treat and thus pass
on finishing his homework.

Give him space. Much as you may be

tempted to grab your grade-schooler's
clothes and fold them properly yourself,
try to resist. Instead, concentrate more
on his efforts than his actual
accomplishments. He may not be doing a
perfect job, but criticizing him or co-
opting his work will only squelch his
desire to be responsible. Try making your
suggestions nicely or even with gentle
ruefulness, as in, "That's a pretty good
job with the bed. I usually put my dirty
clothes in the hamper first, though,
instead of pulling the sheets up over
them." Your tone will help him get the
point without feeling defensive and tuning
 10

you out.

Let him take the consequences. As long

as the outcome isn't harsh or dangerous,
let your grade-schooler live with the
results of the choices he makes. If he's
responsible for packing his homework
into his backpack each morning and he
doesn't do it, don't hand-deliver it to his
classroom later. He may regret having
forgotten his homework, but you can bet
he'll remember it tomorrow. You can
nudge him along by asking him how he
can remember next time.

Take your child's temperament into

account. If he's consistently failing to
meet his responsibilities, step back and
think about whether he needs some extra
help. Beginning a project is hard for
many kids, and if yours is a bit passive
he may need you to help him get started
(then step back and let him carry on by
herself). If he's easily overwhelmed,
make sure your instructions are very
clear. If he's the willful type, try to present
 10

the task matter-of-factly, not as an order.

Pour on the praise. Positive

reinforcement will teach your child that
his efforts are important and appreciated.
When appropriate, point out exactly how
he's helped everyone else: "Great! Now
that you've mowed the lawn, we can all
have a volleyball game this afternoon."

Child discipline:

First, discipline means having the right

relationship with your child more than the
right techniques. Discipline also means
giving your children the tools to succeed
in life. Here are the tools we have found
to work for most families most of the
time. We first want to help you
understand why children behave the way
they do and then how to discipline them
through these behaviors

       
 10

CHAPTER SEVEN

PARENTING STYLES AND THE CHILD.

Culled from "Ask Dr Sears" web site and

from 'The power of prime' an article
written by Jim Taylor, and posted on the
Internet in Nov.17, 2010.

Raising a Confident Child. 

Think about a time when you were
feeling really good about yourself. You
probably found it much easier to get
along with others and feel good about
them. The same holds true  for the child.
 10

Self-esteem is your child’s passport to a

lifetime of mental health and social
happiness. It’s the foundation of a child’s
well-being and the key to success as an
adult. At all ages, how you feel about
yourself affects how you act.

How a child Perceives Himself/herself.

The child looks in the mirror and likes the
person he sees. He looks inside himself
and is comfortable with the person he
sees. He must think of this self as being
someone who can make things happen
and who is worthy of love. Parents are
the main source of a child’s sense of self-
worth.  The behavioural problems that
play up in the life of a child, come from
poor self-worth in parents as well as in
children. Why is one child a delight to be
with, while another always seems to drag
you down?

Healthy Self-Worth Doesn’t Mean Being

Over-confident or arrogant. If you raise a
confident child that grows up with a
healthy self-worth, it means he/she has a
 10

realistic understanding of his/her

strengths and weaknesses, enjoying the
strengths and working on the problem
areas. Because there is such a strong
parallel between how your child feels
about himself/herself and how he/ she
acts, it is vital to use discipline to raise a
confident child. Throughout life your child
will be exposed to positive influences
(builders) and negative influences
(breakers). Parents can expose their
child to more builders and help him work
through the breakers.

Responsive nurturing.  Responsive

nurturing results in the connected baby
knowing what to expect. On the other
hand, the disconnected child is often
confused. If his needs are not met, and
his cues are not answered, he feels that
signals are not worth giving. This leads to
the conclusion that “I’m not worthwhile.
I’m at the mercy of others, and there’s
nothing I can do to reach them". Early
nurturing should be encouraged because
during the first two years the baby’s brain
 10

is growing very fast. This is the period

when a baby develops patterns of
associations – mental models of the way
things work. The developing infant’s mind
is like a file drawer. In each file is a
mental picture of a cue she gives along
with the response she expects. After a
certain interaction, the baby stores a
mental image of what happened. For
example, baby raises her arms and a
parent responds by picking her up.
Repetition deepens these patterns in the
infant’s mind, and eventually emotions,
positive or negative, become associated
with them. A file drawer full of mostly
positive feelings and images leads to a
feeling of “rightness.” Her sense of “well-
being” becomes part of baby’s self. 
Infants who get used to the feeling of
well-being they get from attachment
parenting spend the rest of their lives
striving to keep this feeling. Because
they have so much practice at feeling
good, they can regain this right feeling
after temporary interruptions. These
secure infants cope better with life’s
 10

setbacks because they are motivated to

repair their sense of well-being, which
has become integrated into their sense of
self. They may fall down a lot, but they
are likely to wind up back on their feet.
This concept is especially true for a child
who is handicapped or seems to come
into this world relatively short-changed in
natural talents. Children who do not have
this early sense of well-being struggle to
find it, but they are unsure of what they
are looking for because they don’t know
how it feels. This explains why some
babies who get attachment parenting in
the early years manage well despite an
unsettled childhood because of family
problems. Consider the famous case of
Baby Jessica, the two-year-old who
because of a legal quirk was taken from
the familiar and nurturing home of her
adoptive parents whom she had known
since birth, and given to her biological
parents who were strangers to her. She
is likely to thrive because she entered a
strange situation with a strong sense of
well-being created by early nurturing.
 10

She will spend the rest of her life

maintaining that feeling despite the
trauma she endured.
You can always Catch-Up.
But what if I didn’t practice all those
attachment styles of parenting, you may
wonder? Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Babies are resilient and, of course, it’s
never too late to start the habits that help
raise a confident child. Getting to know
your child and seeing things from his
point of view will help you to help him
learn to trust himself. This kind of
nurturing cements together the blocks of
self-worth, and can also repair them. Still,
the earlier the cement is applied, the
smoother it goes on and the stronger it
sticks.

Healing effect of parenting

Parenting is therapeutic. In caring for
your child you often heal yourself. A
mother with a high-need baby in our
practice once declared, “My baby brings
out the best and the worst in me.” If there
are problems in your past that affect your
 10

present parenting, confronts them. Get

psychological help if they are interfering
with your ability to remain calm or to
discharge parenting responsibilities
effectively.
Raising a Confident Child by making
amends
Your child’s self-esteem is acquired, not
inherited. Certain parenting traits and
certain character traits, such as anger
and fearfulness, are learned in each
generation. Having a baby gives you the
chance to become the parent you wish
you had. If you suffer from low self-
confidence, especially if you feel it’s a
result of how you were parented, take
steps to heal yourself and break the
family pattern. Try this exercise to help
raise a confident child (therapists call this
“passing on the best, and discarding the
rest”)
List the specific things your parents did to
build your self-image.
List the specific things your parents did to
weaken your self-image.
Now resolve to emulate the good things
 10

your parents did and avoid the rest. If

you find it difficult to follow through with
this exercise on your own, get help from
a professional. Both you and your child
will benefit.
Don’t Be Too Hard on Your Parents
They probably did the best they could,
given their circumstances and the
prevailing advice of the times. I
remember once hearing a grandmother
say to a mother, “I was a good mother to
you. I followed exactly the schedule the
doctor gave me.” This new mother felt
that some of her present problems
stemmed from the rigid scheduling that
she endured when she was a baby. She
was determined to learn to read her
baby’s cues. I reminded her not to blame
her own mother because the prevailing
parenting practice at the time was to
follow the “experts'” advice on child-
rearing. The current mother, however, is
more comfortable becoming the expert
on her own child.

Polish Your Mirror for your child

 10

You are the mirror for your child

No one can put on a happy face all the
time, but a parent’s unhappiness often
gets transferred to a child. Your child
looks to you as a mirror for his own
feelings. If you are worried, you can’t
reflect good feelings. In the early years, a
child’s concept of self is so intimately tied
up with the mother’s concept of herself
that a sort of mutual self-worth building
goes on. What image do you reflect to
your child? She will see through a false
facade to the troubled person beneath. A
child wrote a tribute to her mother, and
said: “I like being with my mother most
when she’s happy.” Children translate
your unhappiness with yourself to mean
unhappiness with them. Even infants
know they are supposed to please their
parents. As they get older, they may
even come to feel responsible for their
parents’ happiness. If you are not
content, they must not be good (or good
enough). If you are experiencing serious
problems with depression or anxiety,
seek help so that you can resolve these
 10

feelings before they affect your child.

Mirror the positive inner feelings.

“Shortly after the birth of the eighth child,
Mr. ‘Jabi’ was overwhelmed with two
babies in diapers the newly born and the
one before it, and the needs of four older
children at home. His stress was
reflected in his face; He was often not a
happy person. Fortunately, he
recognized what he was showing of
himself to his children. He did not want
his children growing up believing that
fathering is no fun or that they caused
him to be unhappy. He sought help, fixed
his inner feelings and polished his mirror
so that his children could see a better
image of themselves. that was a wise
parent.

Emotional mirror for your child.

Much of a child’s self-image comes not
only from what the child perceives about
herself, but from how she thinks others
perceive her. This is especially true of
preschoolers who learn about
 10

themselves from their parents’ reactions.

Do you reflect positive or negative
images to your child? Do you give her
the idea that she’s fun to be with? That
her opinions and desires matter to you?
That her behaviour pleases you? When
you give your child positive reflections,
he learns to think well of himself. He will
also willingly rely on you to tell him when
his behaviour is not pleasing. This
becomes a discipline tool. “All I have to
do is look at her a certain way, and she
stops misbehaving,” said one mother.
She had saturated her child’s self-
awareness with positive feelings, and the
youngster was used to the way he felt
being on the receiving end of these
strokes. When mother flashed a negative
reflection, the child didn’t like the feeling
it produced. He changed his behaviour
quickly to regain his sense of well-being.

Being Realistic
You can’t be up and smiling all the time
and still be human. Your child should
know that parents have down days, too.
 10

Children can see through fake

cheerfulness. Your sensitivity toward him
will increase his sensitivity toward you,
and someday he may be the one lifting
your self-confidence
Saving the day for the child.  When you
raise a confident child you spend the
early years building your child’s self-
confidence, and you spend the later
years protecting it. Many thin-skinned
children need protection from situations
they find overwhelming. A five-year old
was being tested by his teacher for his
school-entry physical. He was a sensitive
child whose mother had spent years
helping him to build a strong sense of
self-worth. During the discussion on the
long-term benefits of attachment
parenting, the boy was visibly bored. He
began hanging on the scale on the table,
an expensive scale that is built into the
top of the examining table. The teacher's
first thought was the safety of his table.
To him, it was more at risk than boy, so I
firmly asked, him, "would you please stop
hanging on the scale?” Just as He was
 10

about to crumble from my unintended

'put-down', his mother interjected, “…
because you’re so strong, the table can't
bear your weight.” She knows how to get
behind the eyes of her child. She was
saving the day for her child.

Playing together with the child

You'll get to learn a lot about your child—
and yourself—during play. Playtime gives
the child the message, “I am worth your
time. You are a valuable person.” It is
well known that children learn through
play. It improves a child’s behavior by
giving him feelings of importance and
accomplishment. It shores up the child's
confidence and boosts trust. It provides
ample opportunity to teach the child to
persevere and develop a winning spirit,
and to play by the rules. Instead of
viewing playtime as a chore, use it to
make an investment in your child’s
behavior.

Letting your Child Initiate the Play

A valuable learning principle that parents
 10

should keep in mind is this: an activity

initiated by the child holds the child’s
attention and interest longer than one
suggested by the adult- playmate. More
learning takes place when the child
chooses what to do. Child-initiated play
also increases self-worth: “Dad likes to
do the things I do!” Of course, you may
be thinking, “Oh no, not the block game
again!” or “We’ve read that story twenty
times!” That’s the ordeal of parenting.
You’ll get bored with The Cat in the Hat
long before your child. If you want to
bring something new to the same old
play activity, add your own new twists as
the play continues. Stop to talk about the
book: questions like; “What would you do
if the ‘cat in the hat’ came to our door?”
“Let’s turn this block tower into a parking
garage.”

Making your Child Feel Special

Raise a confident child by focusing your
attention on the child during play. If your
body is with your child but your mind is at
work, your child will sense that you have
 10

tuned out, and neither one of you

benefits from the time together. Your
child loses the value of your being with
her, concluding that he or she is not
important. You lose the opportunity to
enjoy and to learn about your child, and
to relearn how to play.

Parents Need Play as well.  Parents

have a hard time getting down to a
baby’s level to enjoy unstructured,
seemingly unproductive play. After all,
there are many “more important” things
on their agenda. If only they can realize
how much they and the child could both
benefit, this special time would become
meaningful. Play could always become
therapeutic for parents. Parents will often
need time away from some of those
other things to focus on this important
little person who was, without realizing it,
teaching them to relax. Play will help
them to get to know Jay-Jay's
temperament and his capabilities at each
stage of development. The child reveals
himself to the parent, and vice versa,
 10

during play; the whole relationship

benefits greatly. Playtime brings parents
to see from behind the eyes and into the
mind of their child. They should revel and
take delight in enjoying the simple
pleasures of play.

Investment in play sessions

Parents, please consider playtime one of
your best investments to raise a
confident child. Do not feel that you are
“wasting time” stacking blocks when you
could be “doing something” instead.
Some adults panic at the thought and
really have to struggle to be able to let go
of their grown-up agenda. Of course, you
don’t have to play all day long, nor will
your child want you to (unless he senses
your resistance). What may seem like a
meaningless activity to you, means a lot
to your baby. The more interest you
show in doing things with your baby early
on, the more interest your child will have
in doing things with you when he’s older.
As your child grows, you can involve him
in your play and your work, since being
 10

with you is the best reward. Think of it

this way—you are doing the most
important job in the world—raising a
human being.

How a child is addressed?

What’s in a name, you may ask?  The
totality of the person. I can still remember
my grandfather impressing on me the
value of using and remembering peoples’
names. Many stories abound about the
huge benefits derivable by calling
someone by his first name. A young
graduate landed a highly competitive job,
because he knew the members of the
interview panel by their names. He
proceeds to answer their questions by,
"thank you Mr. so, so, & so."

Addressing your child by name,

especially when accompanied by eye
contact and touch, exudes a “you’re
special” message. Beginning an
interaction by using the other person’s
name opens doors, breaks barriers and
even softens corrective discipline.
 10

Children learn to associate how you use

their name with the message you have
and the behaviour you expect. Parents
often use a child’s nickname or first
name only in casual dialogue, “Jimmy, I
like what you are doing.” They beef up
the message and make them more
serious, by using the full name to make a
deeper impression, “Jim Nnamdi Ibene,
stop that!” A child once referred to his full
names called out together as his "mad
name" because that is what he hears
when his parents are angry at him.
The carry- over principle.  To raise a
confident child as she gets older,
encourage her talents. She can do well
at something, whether as a two-year-old
who packs exceptional pretend picnics,
or a ten-year- old who loves ballet.

Recognize your child’s special talents,

and help him or her build on them, then
watch the whole person blossom.  Over
the years, we’ve noticed a phenomenon
we call the carry-over principle: enjoying
one activity boosts a child’s self-image
 10

and confidence, which he or she then 

carries over into other endeavours. One
of our sons is naturally gifted in playing
the keyboard, but he wasn’t interested in
academics especially mathematics.

Operating on the carry-over principle, we

encouraged him approach mathematics
with the same zeal he approaches
playing on the keyboard, and with a little
support and attention, enjoyment of
athletics while supporting he started
picking up interest in mathematics.  The
schoolwork improved as his overall self-
confidence increased.

Pushing, guiding, and protecting.

Helping your child develop talents and
acquire skills is part of discipline. If you
recognize an ability in your child, go
ahead and encourage him. Strike a
balance between pushing and guiding.
Both are necessary. If you don’t
encourage your child to try, his skills
don’t improve, and you’ve lost a valuable
confidence builder. If you don’t protect
 10

your child from unrealistic expectations,

his sense of competence and
accomplishment, could be threatened.
Don't value by comparison.
Parents should beware of Value-by-
Comparisons.
Children measure their own value by how
they perceive others value them. And in
our measuring-and-testing society,
children’s skill - and therefore their value
- are measured relative to others. Your
child may score good grade of 70 in a
difficult subject, but he or she will feel
inadequate if his or her class mates are
scoring 80/85. If you want to raise a
confident child, encourage his or her
good efforts, and be sure your child
believes you value her because of who
she is, not how he or she performs in
comparison with others. Do this by giving
her plenty of eye contact, touching and
focused attention. In other words, give of
yourself regardless of how the results or
the overall performance turns out. Don’t
expect your child to excel in sports or
music or academics just because you did
 10

during your time. Remember that the one

thing your child can excel in, is being
himself or herself. She must know that
your love for him or her does not depend
on your approval of his or her
performance, even though, it has a
bearing to it. That’s a tough assignment
for a parent who may have been raised
to perform for love.

Creating a Wall of Fame

Every child is good at something.
Discover it, encourage it, frame it and
display it. If your home is missing this
wall, your child is missing his moment of
fame. Create a wall of fame in one of the
rooms in your family.  If you have a child
who is not athletic, try scouting. With Boy
Scouts and Girl Scouts everyone wins
and everyone gets lots of badges. As
children walk by their showcase, they
can see at a glance five to ten years of
achievement. This gives them a lift,
especially during times when their self-
worth is faltering.
 10

Help your Child to be Home-Wise Before

being Street Smart
Sometime during your parenting career
you may run into the idea that a young
child should be exposed to children with
different values so that he can choose for
himself. This may sound good, but it
tends not to work always. It’s like sending
a ship to sea without a rudder or a
captain. Only by chance will that ship
reach a desirable destination. Children
are too valuable to be left to chance.

Screen Your Child’s Friends

The child’s values and self-concept are
affected by persons of significance in his
life— relatives, coaches, teachers,
religious leaders, scout leaders and
friends. It’s up to the parents to screen
out those who pull down the child’s
character and encourage those that build
it in order to raise a confident child. Keep
a watchful eye on your child’s
friendships. First, let your child choose
his or her own friends and monitor the
relationships. At the end of a play
 10

experience examine your child’s feelings.

Is he or she at peace or upset? Are the
children compatible? Coupling a passive
person with a strong personality is all
right if the stronger child pulls your child
up rather than knocking him down. While
some children will wisely seek out
complimentary playmates on their own,
sometimes it is helpful to set up your
child by purposely exposing him or her to
appropriate peers. Some groups of
children just naturally seem to get along
well. If your child’s group does not seem
to have the right chemistry, it would be
wise to intervene. By being a monitoring
mom, you will be able to come to the
rescue of any of your children who is
being intimidated and blackmailed into
stealing money from the home. This
junior racketeer in the neighborhood was
busted because a monitoring mom
became suspicious of certain phone calls
and listened in one day. Her frightened
seven-year-old was in way over his head
and was greatly relieved when she
intervened.
 10

Keeping a Kid-Friendly Home

Make your home inviting to your child’s
friends. Yes, you will have more messes
to clean up, but it’s worth it. Hosting the
neighborhood helps you monitor your
child; it gives you the opportunity to
observe your child’s social style and
generally learn more about your child’s
personality—which social behaviors are
appropriate and which need improving.
You’ll be able to make on-the-spot
disciplinary interventions, either with your
child in a private lesson or in group
therapy if the whole pack needs some
redirecting. The roots of a young child’s
self-concept come from home and
nurturing caregivers. After six years of
age, peer influence becomes
increasingly important. The deeper the
roots of home-grown self-confidence, the
better equipped kids are to interact with
peers in a way that builds up self-worth
rather than tearing it down. They know
how to handle peers who are fun to play
with and those that give them problems.
 10

When children are attachment parented,

they are well equipped to manage
different environments (home,
grandparents, preschool, Sunday school)
with different rules very well. For healthy
social development, a child first must be
comfortable with himself before he can
be comfortable with others.

Informal education within the home, play

very important role in child development. 
In normal development a child moves out
from the known into the unknown. She
tries out new experiences in much the
same way that an attached infant learns
to separate from mother. It is quite
normal for a child to retreat periodically
into the comfort of the known (her home
and family) as she progressively
ventures into the jungle of the unknown.
It is important for the child to have a
strong attachment base. Being shy does
not mean that a child has a poor self-
image. She needs an extra dose of
confidence so that she can follow her
own inner timetable in adjusting to new
 10

situations and relationships. Parents

often wonder what degree of clinging to
home-base is normal. Look at the
problem over the course of an entire
year. If you see no change in the child’s
willingness to venture out, that may be
unhealthy. But if you see some gradual
moving out, then your child is simply a
cautious social developer, which is
characteristic of sensitive children, who
may form a few meaningful and deep
relationships, rather than numerous
superficial ones.

Focus on the child and not on the label.

Greg, seven years old was asthmatic, but
the physical problem was much easier to
treat than the emotional side effects of
the label tagged on him. A few puffs of a
bronchial inhaler and his wheezing will
be cleared, but his label persisted. There
are two issues to address here in any
child with a chronic illness: the illness
itself, and the child’s and family’s
reactions to the illness. Every child
searches for an identity and, when found,
 10

clings to it like a trademark. “Asthmatic”

had become Greg’s label, and he wore it
often. His whole day revolved around his
ailment, and his family focused on this
part of Greg instead of on the whole
person. Instead of feeling compassion,
Greg’s brothers and sisters had become
tired of planning their lives around Greg’s
asthma. They couldn’t go on certain trips
because Greg might get too tired. It
became a family illness, and all, except
Greg, were put into roles they didn’t like.
To take away Greg’s label would be to
take away Greg’s self-esteem. So, we
made a deal. I would treat Greg’s
asthma; the family would enjoy Greg,
and we all worked at giving “the
asthmatic” a healthier label to wear.

. Schools influence on the child.

School environment, can be hazardous
to a child’s emotional health. To raise a
confident child, school choice (if you
have one) needs to be carefully
considered. The connected child who
enters the school arena with peers from
 10

various upbringings and degrees of

attachment will have a set of
expectations that he may not find at
school. Children meet the challenges of a
new social group with different behaviors.
If a child is securely attached to his
caregivers and armed with a strong self-
image, he may not be disturbed by these
different behaviors. He may stick
cheerfully to his own style of play. Or, he
may be frustrated, creating stress on his
emerging personality. If his self-
confidence is shaky, a child may view
aggressiveness or bullying as normal
and make these behaviors part of himself
or allow himself to be victimized.
Around age six, when your child begins
elementary school, other adults become
influential in her life. These are people
who are around your child enough to
influence her behavior and model values.
Once upon a time persons of significance
in a child’s life came primarily from within
the extended family, but in today’s mobile
society a child is likely to have a wider
variety of peers and persons of
 10

significance. This means that today’s

parents need to be vigilant as to who is
modeling what behavior to their children.
Here is where there is confusion in the
ranks of parents as disciplinarians. There
are two extremes. On the one side are
the parents who feel it’s healthy for
children to experience a lot of different
value systems while growing up so that
they will be more open-minded as adults.
On the other side are parents who want
to protect their child from all outside
influences and any ideas that may differ
from their own beliefs. This child grows
up in a bubble-like atmosphere.
Somewhere between these two extremes
is the right answer to raise a confident
child. Throwing a child into the melting
pot of diverse values at too young an
age, before she has any of her own
values, may produce a child who is so
confused that she develops no
conscience and no standing value
system. Parents who overprotect may
end up with a child who cannot think for
herself, leaving her vulnerable to
 10

challenges or so judgmental that she

condemns anyone with different beliefs.
Somewhere in the middle is the parent
who grounds the child in a firm value
system and guides her as she
encounters other value systems. The
child, because she has a strong value
system to begin with, is better able to
weigh her parents’ value system against
alternatives and develop her own firm
code of values. It may be different from
the parents’. It may include many of the
parents’ values with a sprinkling of
alternatives learned from peers or
teachers. But the important thing is that
the child has a value system from which
to operate. He is not a leaf hurried
downstream in the river that takes the
path of least resistance, overflows its
bounds and eventually drains into a large
sea of uncertainty. Many children
flounder, sometimes for the rest of their
lives, searching for values that should
have been formed in infancy and early
childhood.
 10

Charting the waters of growth and

development.
Parents, don’t be misled by the
complacent term “latent” applied to
middle childhood. This is not the time to
sleep and get careless. This is the age in
which your children build consciences
and learn your value system. In fact, it’s
the only time in their entire life when they
unquestionably, at least early in that
stage, accept their parents’ value
system. Slowly they form their own
standards through interaction with peers,
other families, teachers, and through
neighborhood relationships and
church/synagogue friendships. They
discover a larger world with a variety of
beliefs and behaviors. As they talk
(endlessly) and observe and experiment
in a variety of situations, they learn about
how they will choose to act and react.
Trying belatedly to impose your values
on a teenager whose main
developmental task at this stage is to
identify his own values is difficult. The
best way to get your values across is to
 10

“walk your talk” by living your values.

Giving the child responsibility.

Children need jobs. One of the main
ways children develop self-confidence
and internalize values is through helping
maintain the family living area, inside and
out. Raise a confident child by giving
them household duties. This helps them
feel more valuable and channels their
energy into desirable behavior and
teaching skills. Try these tips:
Enter the Work Force Early
Beginning around age two, children can
do small jobs around the house. To hold
a child’s interest, choose tasks the child
has already shown an interest in. Our
two-year-old, Lauren, had a thing about
napkins, so we gave her the dinnertime
job of putting napkins at each place. A
mother in our practice told us: “I couldn’t
keep our three-year-old away from the
vacuum cleaner. So I gave him the job of
vacuuming the family room. He kept
busy, and I got some work out of him.”
 10

Starting between ages two and four, a

child can learn the concept of
responsibility to self and to parents and
for his personal belongings. Once he
learns a sense of responsibility for these
things, a sense of responsibility to
society will come naturally in the next
stage of development.
By three years of age, a child can be
taught to clean sinks and tubs (using a
sponge and a small can of cleanser).
Young children love to scrub. Three’s
and Four’s love to sort laundry into darks
and lights. At five, the child can be doing
dishes every night. Teach him exactly
how you want them handled (for
example, excess food in the garbage,
dishes rinsed and then put in the
dishwasher). Be sure to use unbreakable
cups and plates and put messy pans in
the oven to be cleaned later by an adult.
By seven, a child can be cooking at least
one meal a week from start to finish.
Teach him how to fix his favorite meal
and let him learn how to pick out the
ingredients at the market. Encourage
 10

school-age children to make their own

lunch. Besides giving them a sense of
responsibility for their own nutrition, they
are more likely to eat what they make.
Once taught, the child can be left alone
in the kitchen—no hovering mother.
Relax and talk to your mate.

Raising a Confident Child by Giving

Special Jobs
Call a job “special” and it’s more likely to
get done. Whatever magical ring the
word “special” has, it sure gets results.
Perhaps a child infers that “I must be
special because I get a special job.” A
four-to five-year-old can have
preassigned chores, with reminders, of
course. To put some order in our busy
house we announce: “It’s tidy time.” Try
assigning one room for each child to tidy
up. Children at all ages suffer a bit of
work inertia,

Discipline for the child.

First, discipline means having the right
relationship with your child more than the
 10

right techniques. Discipline also means

giving your child the tools to succeed in
life. Here are the tools we have found to
work for most families most of the time.
We first want to help you understand why
children behave the way they do and
then how to discipline them through
these behaviors specially as tasks wear
on and lose their fun or appeal. But
sometimes children need to learn that
work comes before play. To get them
started, work with them.

Create and involve the child in Job

Charts
Make this a creative activity for a family
meeting. List the jobs to be done, and let
each child choose and rotate if they
want. Divide jobs into credit earning jobs
they can earn credits  for delayed
gratifications at later stage, and non-
credit earning or those that are naturally
expected of the children for the privilege
of living in our home. Expect to pay a
higher commendation or credits on the
most unwanted jobs. Best is to pay
 10

immediately after the work is responsibly

done, since children are immediate-
reward oriented. In the next stage of
development, from five to ten years,
children can make the connection that
with increasing privileges come
responsibilities. When we decided to get
a family cottage, the deal was that
Saturday mornings would be family fix-up
time at the cottage, and only after the
work was completed would the recreation
begin.

Home front learning

Planting an instructional garden teaches
children that they reap what they sow.
During our family garden phase, when
our children were younger, we tied in
caring for a garden and caring for them:
Water the plants and they grow nicely,
keep the weeds away and the flowers
bloom better. Other jobs boys and girls
love and do well when first taught
alongside a parent include: washing the
car, sweeping outdoor living areas and
sidewalks, gardening, vacuuming,
 10

dusting and baby tending. By seven or

eight they can put in a load of laundry,
and by ten they can be doing their own
laundry. When children have jobs in the
home, not only are parents relieved of
some of the busywork, but children feel
they are contributing to a cause. They
feel useful and needed. And the energy
they spend on the home becomes an
investment they are making into the
value system of that home.

Encourage Children to Express, Not

Stuff, Their Feelings
Raise a confident child by teaching them
to express their feelings comfortably.
Expressing feelings comfortably does not
mean the child is free to explode at every
emotional twinge, but rather develops a
comfortable balance between expressing
and controlling feelings. She should
eventually be able to keep a lid on her
emotions when needed, but not so tightly
that she can’t remove the lid in a “safe”
setting, such as exercising (i.e., run like
mad to blow off steam), or with a
 10

trustworthy friend. All babies freely

express their feelings. Maturity develops
through years of learning how to stay
calm in difficult situations. A child with
unbridled emotions becomes a brat. A
person who never expresses emotions
becomes too reserved. Too much control
or too much emoting will both produce
problems in adult life. Stuffing feelings
doesn’t do any good for the child, the
parents, or the relationship. It tells the
child that you are
threatened by her feelings, or she gets
the message that you don’t care to
understand her feelings. The child picks
up on your attitude and learns that
expressing or even having feelings is not
okay. The child decides that the feelings
that accompany the ups and downs of
her daily life are not worthwhile. In a
child’s logic, if her feelings are not
worthwhile, she is not worthwhile. If this
unfeeling pattern repeats itself over and
over, the child quickly learns both to
suppress the feelings and especially to
hide them from her parents.
 10

Even more devastating than being

uncaring is responding to a child’s
feelings with anger messages, “I don’t
want to hear any more bellowing about
that stupid fish!” The fear of parents’
reactions to her feelings turns a child into
a feeling stuffer.
On the positive side, picture what
happens when a child feels free to
express herself and a parent accepts her
feelings. Consider this example: “Daddy,
the necklace Grandma gave me for my
birthday broke.” Dad stops what he is
doing and focuses on his child, looking
into her eyes and placing his hand
around her shoulder. He says, “I’m sorry.
That was such a special necklace.” Both
his verbal and his body language convey:
“I am available to you; your feelings are
important to me. You are important to
me.” His reaction frees the child to tell
him more about her feelings and to work
through them by talking to him. Instead of
retreating into her shell or erupting into a
tantrum, she has been given a way to
express her sorrow. And he has boosted
 10

her self-worth by accepting her feelings,

which are a reflection of herself.
Developing the Child's Self-Esteem?
Parents may misunderstand the meaning
of self-esteem and feel that this is just
one more thing they are required to give
their child along with regular meals and a
warm winter jacket. They guard against
anything that may undercut self-esteem –
to the point where it becomes ridiculous.
(“Oh, Billy, you don’t really sing flat.
You’re just tonally challenged.”) They
measure self-esteem daily, as one might
take a temperature. (“Julie’s self-esteem
is low today. Her big brother beat her at
checkers last night.”) Every infant whose
needs are met has self-esteem built in.
Like an arborist caring for a tree, in order
to raise a confident child, your job is to
nurture what’s there, do what you can to
structure your child’s environment so that
she grows strong and straight and avoid
whittling away at the tender branches.
You can’t build your child’s self- esteem
compliment by compliment, activity by
activity. Parents are already overloaded
 10

with guilt because they may not be doing

enough to foster their child’s self-worth.
You don’t need a degree in psychology
to raise a confident child. Much of
parenting is easy and fun. Hold your
baby a lot, respond sensitively to her
needs, enjoy your baby. Then sit back
and enjoy the person whose self-esteem
is developing naturally. Parents are to
properly and exactly define the kind of
personality they want for their children,
and what type of adult they would want
their children to grow to become. With
this in mind, choose and design a
development program for that child.

                CHAPTER EIGHT

MONITORING AND RE-DIRECTING

THE TALENTS OF A TECH-SAAVY
CHILD
 10

Different parent-support groups having

come to the realization of the  irresistible
attraction, and the incalculable damage
of the internet based technology, are
calling the attention of families to be
more informed of the dangers the child
faces right in the home in this digital
age.  The harms that the unguarded use
of the Internet could afflict on the moral
fabrics of society through the families,
should be properly studied and exposed.
That is not to say that it does not have its
benefits, but its downsides must be put in
context.
One incontrovertible fact is that of the
immense contribution of technology to
the quality of living in the areas of
knowledge, human communications,
interpersonal relationship,  and to the
advancement of education generally. It is
equally true that technology has the
potential to impact negatively on our
children's propensity for hard work and
creativity, and their individual integrity. It
 10

poses the greatest challenge to the

scheduled upbringing of our children.
The benefits of technology is common
knowledge and easily visible, and it is
there for all to see, more attention
should be given to the downside of
technology which many parents are not
aware of, or equipped to handle. These
will be discussed in the following
paragraphs.
The dangers faced by today's tech savvy
children: 
The tech-savvy child is seriously
endangered  as he faces a myriad of
intricate challenges, some of which could
be life threatening. These challenges
begin from addiction to exposure to the
uncharted waters of the Internet
restricted sites. It goes on to the
noticeable potential dangers that to the
child faces, which are presented under
the following headings:
a. Addiction to pornography; Unguarded
or casual visits to pornography sites,
excites the child's curiosity. Inadvertent
visit or entry to these sites, exposes the
 10

child to information, knowledge and ideas

that corrupt the child's impressionable
mind. The child is consequently
predisposed to obscene acts and
languages, leading him or her into
immoral behaviour and conducts.  Most
times these visits may not be to porn
sites, but the child is affronted by
unsolicited options which just pop up as
baits, seeking to arouse the child's
inquisitive minds. Children should be
sufficiently prepared for these
encounters, by telling him or her what to
do at each stage. The child must be
made aware of these consequences  as
he or she grows into adulthood, at which
time, it may be reasonably safe to
navigate the web with some
understanding of the inherent dangers
involved.
b. Insufficient sleep due to long hours on
the phone and tablets. A study carried
out among the teenagers, and
adolescent children show that 85 percent
have unfettered access to Internet. Of
this number, over 70 percent trade-in
 10

hours of sleep every night for time

needed to surf the web, for both the good
and right reasons. Parents are to monitor
Internet usage and set the discipline
guiding the times for visits to the Internet.
Moments of no internet usage in the
home, must be established and strictly
enforced. For instance, parents could set
a limit for 'no internet access in the home
(say from about 5p.m. Till 7 a.m.). This is
necessary to preserve family private time
for bonding and other intimacies.
c. Health hazard arising from excessive
screen time exposure: increasing cases
of eye defects have been reported
arising from prolonged exposure to the
radiation and other associated injurious
rays that emanate from the devices and
gadgets used to access the Internet.
d. Premature foray into the dangerous
arena of social media- Knowledge is
good when it is age appropriate, but
when it is dropped at the foot of a minor,
it could be dangerous and
counterproductive. That is the case for
children in primary school having
 10

unrestricted access to Internet at all

times. Parents remain the best judge for
the right age to allow this. I suppose it
will be when the child is sufficiently
prepared for it. Parents should stop
having a sense of accomplishment when
their five-year old child surfs the web
unaided. A lot of coaching and
preparation are still needed to prepare
the child, in order to protect him or her
from the harm that could result
therefrom, including such things like:   
a. needless exposure to predators and
pedophilia;
e. self-harm ( including suicide bids);
f. vulnerability to phishing/cyber-sex
g. online scams (yahoo-yahoo in local
parlance).
h. poor attention and focus on academic
and other family activities.
It has been established that tech savvy
children don't perform at full potentials in
academics, owing to insufficient time
dedicated to their school works; the
many hours dedicated to time on the
internet constitutes a disastrous
 10

distraction. such children surf late into

the night, and sleep less than the
minimum nine hours recommended for
their good health and which is needed for
rigorous academic endeavour.
i. steady decline in communication and
listening skills - The tech savvy child
lacks in communication skills, he is a
poor communicator and an irritating
listeners, always fidgeting with one
gadget or the other. He lives in a world of
his own, not being a part of the family.  If
allowed to grow that way he becomes a
very selfish and self-centered person
incapable of adding warmth or value to
his immediate environment.
j. Damaged reputations - posting private
and most times false information,
Exposes the child to the disinformation
and misinformation that flourish in the
social media.
The very recent story of a young girl
secondary school (SS I ) student, that
committed suicide because she was
viciously misrepresented by her boy-
friend in his (face book) page, and who
 10

ended up taking her life, comes to mind. 

Her friends drew her attention to her
nude photograph which she naively
posted to her boyfriend on Facebook. 
She posted it to a boyfriend, in top
secrecy and classified confidence, and
with full assurance of utmost
confidentiality, but the boyfriend failed to
keep his part of the bargain, and
betrayed her trust, and posted the nude
photo on his Facebook page for public
viewing. That was how the parents got to
know that she had been engaged in
online chat on the Internet.  The poor girl
was completely devastated and
confused.  On her own, she could not
handle the embarrassment which her
naivety, could cause her parents, and her
friends. She feared her father's possible
anger and reaction, coupled with the
disappointment she had caused herself,
her friends, and her family, she took her
life after dropping a suicide note.

Parenting in a digital age - poses a

tough challenge.
 10

Minding and re-directing the skill and

energy of the tech-savvy child.

a. What parents must know and watch

out for:
  -  Understanding and highlighting the
dangers, and guiding the family along the
path of safety and responsibility.
  -  Agreeing on what norms, regulations,
rules and consequences to be adopted
and enforced.

b. Guiding the tech savvy child away

from destruction on to a safe path to
prosperity.
So much blame could be put on the laps
of parents for their negligence to keep
abreast with the negative influences of
misapplied technology and its associated
tools and gadgets. In all honesty, can
any parent explain or justify why the
"under seven" should be clutching a top
end android phone (Galaxy S8) or top
grade iPhone., instead of a simple send
and receive phone piece, that is not
Internet ready. Was the objective for
 10

handing out such a phone properly

defined, and by who? there is a current
of disillusionment in assessing social
status, and level of affluence; it is
assessed by what modern gadgets their
children are associated with.  It has
become commonplace these days to see
a young girl in her teens on the wheels of
very expensive automobiles. What points
are the parents trying to prove,
affluence? there are better ways of
managing success or wealth. It was
recently reported that a boy in his early
twenties inherited as a gift a private jet
from his father. That is not to sideline the
case of a boy of twenty-two who got a gift
of a multi-billion Naira residential estate
from his mother in an exclusive
neighbourhood in Lagos. How far do
such parents want to go? Is there
anything as profit without trading, or fame
& honour without hard work.? I bet, most
other parents would do worse, if the
resources to engage in this mad and
senseless show of affluence, are granted
them.
 10

c.  Channeling the energy and skill of

a tech savvy child
.
What could be a better option than
grooming a tech savvy child to become a
genius and a champion in the world of
information and communication
technology at a very early age. A
structured training towards certification,
and focused attention on him by the
parents, will surely put the child in a good
stead to become a reputable
entrepreneur of his time. Ever thought of
creating a Bill Gate out of our tech savvy
children, by taking adequate interest and
steps to give him or her the right training
and education, to further develop his
talents and re-direct his skills.
The quality of care which parents are
able to give to their children today, is
best described as appalling. We have
just heard about a case of suicide
resulting from premature and unguarded
sojourn in the dangerous arena of the
Internet.  Adequate parental care and
presence could have prevented the
 10

needless death of this young girl. 

Rampant cases of child bullying,
pedophilia, scams, are reported on daily
basis. Perhaps one way out of this is to
educate the parents on, the  dangers that
are inherent in surfing the Internet, and
prepare them to guide their children
safely through such dangers, while still
utilizing the full advantages of the
Internet offerings.
It must be given,  that parents are not
always going to be around to look over
the shoulders of their children to know
what sites they visit and what they are up
to in those sites, but a good measure of
control and guidance could be
established by resorting to specially
designed apps that hand over to the
parents the master control of their
children's activities with their gadgets.

Guiding,  monitoring, and restricting your

child's visits and forays into restricted
sites on the Internet". The parents' best
intentions for their children could always
be subverted by the clever and smart
 10

child, who invariably, is more internet

familiar than the parents, and who
perhaps, is hell bent to gratify his or her
curious mind with happenings at those
obscene sites. Parents can act with great
tact and caution to get steps ahead of
their children by always bearing in mind
that:
- porn sites are as far as just a click of
the mouse away.
- parents must establish control over how
much time the children should spend
surfing the web, time for studying time for
sleeping. It may not be wise to out-rightly
deny the child access to the internet, it
plays a very important role in the life of
the child. The child needs internet access
for communication and for learning. The
good news is that, an application
software has been developed that could
help parents monitor their children and
protect their fledging minds,
without taking away their gadgets or
phones from them. This "mind guard
parental monitoring app" (MPMA)
enables parents to monitor their 'kids'
 10

especially the teenagers amongst them,

how they use their mobile devices, and to
protect them from exposures to
inappropriate digital contents.  Please
visit  www.mindguard.com.ng and make
yourself familiar with how this works.
With this app all parents would be able to
keep a watchful eye on their kids and
shield them from dangers before it
becomes too late. Mind guard is capable
of guiding and protecting the child's
phones and gadgets  from sexual
predators, self-harm (suicide sites) cyber
bullying, other age restricted content, like
pornography, phishing and vulnerability
to  on-line  scams, inadvertent posting of
private information, (which could damage
reputation), lack of sleep due to
prolonged screen time.
With mind guard apps, parents are able
to oversee what their children are doing
and which sites the children are visiting.
Parents could as much as remotely
switch off the child's mobile phone and
turn it back on at will from their own
phones, without the child knowing. This
 10

way a complete rest of mind could be

assured. Nothing could replace the
parents' sound understanding and
knowledge of how the Internet works and
what it could possibly offer. They should
be on top of the game.
The most assuring achievement of the
mind guard is that; the walls, children try
to build in order to shut out their ill-
equipped parents from their activities on
the web, have been broken down . By
setting daily time quota for each child,
they have to return to the parents to ask
for more time, each time they exceed
their assigned limits. This is one sure
way for parents to regain control and
remain in total charge of their children
venturing out aimlessly into the world of
the Internet.
 10

           CHAPTER NINE

PARENTING TEENAGE AND

ADOLESCENT CHILDREN.

The family is a continuous work-in-

progress, dealing with the nagging
problems of teenagers and adolescence
and Coping with the challenges of
understanding and raising them up into
responsible adults, is a daunting task that
tests the will, patience, skill, knowledge,
of parents.
Adolescence is not an easy time for
either the kids or the parents. The only
way to deal with their problems or needs
at this age is to understand the nature of
the problems and know what to do, and
so, be prepared and ready to face them. I
have presented here the most common
 10

set of problems associated with

adolescent and teenage children, and
how parents could anticipate and cope
with them, these, I have called "Parent
Action"

Adolescence, "the monster" parents must

deal with. Adolescence is the pre- adult
phase of a human person. For the
purpose of this write up, let us limit
teenage or adolescence to cover the
phase of children's age from 13 - 20
years.  It must be pointed out that
nothing discussed here is sacrosanct and
may not apply to all children. There are
always exceptions to the rule.
Here are some noticeable  early signs of
problems:  Parents should be watchful
and caring, to be able to pick up the
following early signals, as early detection
will mean a whole lot towards avoiding
very embarrassing times ahead:
- introversion;
- moodiness;
- changes in the eating habits;
- feeling of rejection either at school or at
 10

home;
- escapism, or withdrawal syndrome
- aggressiveness
- any sharp departure from a normal &
known behaviour.
Any of the above signs or a combination
of them, could be the early signs of your
child's involvement in drugs. For the
parents to make a headway in the
upbringing of their children, there should
be no pretensions, or undue assumptions
of the required knowledge, or rascal
display of anger and impatience over the
shortcomings and inadequacies of the
teenage or adolescent child.
Parents must consult widely in order to
bridge their knowledge gaps, they should
not resort to trial and error, which may
often result in moving from one extreme
to the other due to ignorance  or
inexperience. Always realizing that an
emphatic 'Yes' or a loving 'No' may not
necessarily be the answer, but an
appropriate 'No' or 'Yes' based on sound
knowledge and proper understanding of
the particular adolescent problem, is
 10

always part of the solution.

Avoid hyper-parenting which always
results in confrontation and consequent
unpleasantness with its attendant
destructive tendencies, or under-
parenting, which  often leads to the
child's incapacity for good judgement,
thus triggering in him or her, crisis of
values and a false sense of
accomplishment.
It is paramount to help the adolescent to
get his or her heart and head right, while
not trying to undermine his or her
habitual tolerable actions.

Typical features and likely problems,

associated with teenage and
adolescence and suggested parents'
actions .

1. Physical changes:
Physical changes happen due to change
in the teenager’s hormone levels.
Development of full breasts in girls can
be awkward in the beginning. Girls may
start to feel conscious about their figures.
 10

Change of voice and appearance of

facial hair in boys is perhaps the most
prominent change that takes place during
adolescence.
Acne is one of the major problems.
Muscle gain sometimes leads to
excessive body weight in teens.
The growth of pubic hair in both girls and
boys.
Distinct Body odor becomes evident.
Girls start their menstruation (periods).

Suggested Parents Action

The best you can do to help your
teenagers get through this stage is to
make them aware of these changes. -
Frank talk - (father with son , and mother
with daughter.) - remember and utilize
the intimate time for sensitive talks.

Explain that it is normal for the body to

change as every teenager goes through
it!
Help them adapt to these changes –
acknowledge the change, explain and
help them accept it.
 10

Enable them to stay healthy and fit

through nutritious diet and exercise
regimen.

2. Emotional changes and problems:

Hormones affect your teenager not only
physically but also emotionally.
Adolescence is the age between
childhood and adulthood. Teenagers are
often confused about their role and are
torn between their responsibilities as
growing adults and their desires as
children.
They tend to feel overly emotional (blame
it on the hormones). Just about anything
and everything can make them happy,
excited, mad or angry.
Adolescent girls are vulnerable to crying.
Mood swings are common among
teenage boys and girls.
Bodily changes result in self-
consciousness.
Children who hit puberty early may even
feel weird. They will need your support to
understand the changes that are taking
place.
 10

Feelings of inferiority or superiority may

arise at this time.
Adolescence and teenage years are the
ages at which sexual feelings arise in
youngsters. Feelings and thoughts about
sex can trigger a sense of promiscuity
and guilt.

Suggested Parents Action

Puberty can be an emotional roller-
coaster ride. And it is normal. Here is
how you can help your kid deal with
these emotional problems of
adolescence.
- Assist them to take care of themselves.
Tell your teenagers that it is okay to feel
the way they are feeling.
- Encourage them to exercise, as
physical activity helps keep the serotonin
(creates good feelings and happiness)
levels up.
- Let them talk. Listen to them without
judging and avoid giving them advice
when they are not ready for it.
- Share your experiences of puberty or
let them talk to an older sibling who has
 10

gone through the same. It will emphasize

that it is okay to feel the way they do. 
Parents, be there for them. If possible,
tell your own stories and experiences, to
reassure them that all is normal.
Indulging in a creative activity can help
them channelize their emotions.

3. Behavioural changes
Overwhelming emotions can lead to
impulsive behavior, which can be harmful
to your child as well as others. Mostly, it
is just teen behavior that will last until
their adolescence.
Adolescence is the time when kids
develop and exercise their
independence. This can give rise to
questioning the parents’ rules (seen as
argumentative) and standing up for what
they believe is right (seen as
stubbornness).
The raging hormones in teenage boys
can even push them to get into physical
confrontations. They would also want to
listen to loud music.
As a part of their new-found
 10

independence, adolescents may also

want to try new things and take risks,
resulting in careless behavior.
Sometimes, peer pressure and the need
to ‘fit in’ can make them behave in a
certain way or develop certain habits that
are hard to break.
Your teen’s dressing, hairstyle, and
sense of fashion also change, mostly to
something that you may not approve of.
The most troubling behavior is perhaps
your teen hanging out with problem kids
and adapting to a dangerous lifestyle.
Lying is one of the common teen
behavioral issues. Teens may take to
telling lie to avoid confrontation with
parents, or out of fear, but just to have
their ways.

Suggested Parents Action:

Behavioral problems in adolescence can
make life difficult for parents. But
remember that it is a passing phase, and
is entirely normal.
Gaining your child’s trust is important if
you want to help him with behavioral
 10

issues. Talk to them and listen to what

they have to say. Do not judge or criticize
them, as it could worsen their behavior.
Let them know that you love them just as
they are.  (Cf: Charlie boy's case).
Encourage them to be true to themselves
and not take on a personality just to
please others.
You will have to intervene if you see
them falling into bad company.
Remember that adolescents are
sensitive and may not be disposed to
take criticism well.

4. Substance Use and Abuse

Teenagers are vulnerable and can be
easily swayed to the wrong side.
Substance abuse is one of the biggest
problems that parents of adolescents
around the world have to deal with.
Peer pressure is one of the significant
factors that drive adolescents to take up
smoking and drinking or to do drugs.
The tendency to take risk encourages
most teens to try smoking or drinking
even before they are of legal age.
 10

What may start as a ‘thrill’, can become a

habit if it remains unchecked.
If there is somebody who smokes or
drinks at home, they can become your
teen’s role models.
Poor self-esteem and the need to be
‘cool’ can push adolescents to smoke or
drink.
Easy access to substances like
cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, and anabolic
steroids may increase the temptation to
try illicit substances.

Suggested Parent Action

Keep an eye on your child’s behavior.
Look for erratic behavior and change in
his or her appetite, sleep patterns, and
moods.
Do not spy on them or accuse them of
any wrongdoing. Encourage them to talk
and be honest. Tell them what your
concerns are and discuss the problem
with them. This is one time it pays off
greatly to befriend your child.
If your child is not willing to talk to you,
the doctors can ask confidential
 10

questions to know if they are abusing any

substances. Avoid going as far as a drug
test, as that may come across as
confrontational and threat to the kid.
If necessary, get your adolescent the
appropriate treatment needed.

5. Educational challenges
High school is not all about fashion,
friends, and parties. Kids also have a lot
of educational activities on their plate.
Pressure to perform academically and
obtain college admission can be stressful
and make your teenager moody.
Juggling school work, extra-curricular
activities (anxiety for university
admissions) and chores at home can be
a tiring disposition.
Distractions at school can result in poor
academic performance, which will add to
the pressure.

Suggested Parents Action

Support your kid’s aspirations for college
education as what they need is the
encouragement to do well.
 10

You could cut down their household

chores to spare them more time to focus
on their school projects when it becomes
necessary.
Nutrition and exercise can help them get
the strength and endurance they need to
get through the hectic high school period.

6. Health problems
Adolescents are vulnerable emotionally
and physically. Without proper nutrition
and healthcare, they are susceptible to
illnesses. According to a 2015 WHO
report, 1.3 million adolescents died in
2015, a majority of who had preventable
diseases. Parents must guide or coax
adolescents to report illnesses early.

Teenagers have a hectic schedule as

they hop from one activity to another with
little time to eat or rest properly.
Unhealthy eating habits prevent them
from getting the nutrition they need.
Consciousness about their body can lead
to eating disorders, especially in girls.
Adolescent girls who worry about their
 10

weight and appearance can develop

disorders like anorexia or bulimia.
Stress can also lead to loss of appetite
and sleeplessness in young children.
Unhealthy eating habits and a less active
lifestyle could also lead to obesity – this
is often the case when your child
consumes a lot of empty calories through
fast food and sodas.

Suggested parents Action

Parental guidance can help abate health
problems in adolescence in maintaining a
healthy lifestyle. Lead by example and
encourage your children to eat healthy
food, exercise right and sleep on time.
Ensure they get nutrition through their
meals. Give them a balanced diet.
Be there for them emotionally and
physically as this will help them deal with
any possible disorders. Make them your
friends to win their confidence and trust.

7. Psychological problems
 10

Research has revealed that around 50%

of mental health disorders that adults
have, begin at the age of 14. In fact, one-
third of adolescent deaths are suicides
triggered by depression. If your child is
overly moody and is not eating or
sleeping at all, it is imperative you get at
the root of such behaviors, or better still,
get professional help for them. Parents
know the best way to get to the heart of
their children's problems.
Teenagers may have self-esteem or
confidence issues. The feelings of
inferiority or superiority often arise from
their appearance, and acceptance of
their body – skin color, beauty, and
figure.
Poor performance in academics and low
IQ can also demotivate them. They
develop the ‘I’m not good enough’
attitude towards life.
Depression is one of the common
psychological problems associated with
adolescence.
The stress and pressure of adolescence
can create anxiety related issues, while
 10

mood swings can lead to conduct

disorder, like oppositional defiant
disorder (ODD).
Eating disorders are also psychosomatic
as they start with the adolescent having a
poor self-image and the need to change
the way they look by any means.

Suggested Parent Action

While moodiness and temper tantrums
are normal in teenage girls and boys,
they may not always be what they seem.
Identifying symptoms of psychological
problems in adolescence is not easy and
needs the eye of an expert. Most of the
time, talking about the problems and
maintaining a healthy  relationship and
lifestyle can prevent the onset of
depression.
If your child is overly moody and cynical,
it is time to intervene and seek
professional help if necessary.
Sometimes, your teenage girl or boy may
be unhappy only at home, and doing fine
outside. Talk to the child’s teachers and
friends to know if they are moody and
 10

disoriented at school as well. If they are,

then it is a cause for concern.
Do not brush away their feelings, as that
can make things worse.

8. Social problems – dating and

relationships.
Attraction to the opposite sex begins
during puberty. Adolescence is the time
when their sexual or reproductive organs
start developing and begin to seek to
express themselves. At such a
vulnerable time, it is but natural for kids
to feel awkward in social situations.
Teenagers want to have an identity of
their own. They tend to look up to role
models at home or outside.
Adolescents also start thinking about
what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and to question
your stand on certain things.
They need time to understand and get
comfortable with their sexuality. Girls and
boys start experiencing ‘weird’ feelings
towards the other sex and may not know
what to do about it.
This is the time they start dating. Your
 10

adolescent may not be comfortable

talking to you about it and may go with
little information or misinformation they
have about it. You must as parents step
in here to fill the gaps for them, by
occasional intimate  talks, drawing from
the wealth of confidence and trust which
you have built over time.

Competition is another important aspect

of an adolescent’s social life. Your child
may compete with her peers in about
anything and everything. Their spirit of
competition speaks a lot about their
perception of self – whether they have a
positive self-esteem or a negative one.
Sexual feelings and thoughts of sex may
seem wrong to an adolescent, because
of which they may feel guilty.
Their social circle expands during this
time as they seem occupied interacting
with friends on social media sites,
through their phone and outside.

Suggested Parents Action

Here is how you can deal with social
 10

problems of adolescence –
Dating, romance, and sex are delicate
issues that your teenager may not be
comfortable talking about. Don’t make it
more awkward for your child. Be
confident and rational when discussing
the subject.
Your child may seem to spend more time
outside than with you. Accept that your
adolescents are discovering a whole new
world. Just let them know you are there
when they need you. Be close, talk
frankly, and guide them.
Sharing your dating and social life
experiences in school can put them at
ease sometimes

9. Sexual health – unplanned pregnancy

and STIs
The development of secondary sexual
characteristics during adolescence gives
rise to new feelings in teenagers and
pushes them to experiment with their
bodies. Masturbation becomes a
frequent occurrence.
 10

Adolescence is the time when teens

experience their first kiss, the intimate
dance with their ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’
and secret make out sessions.
Without proper guidance from parents to
make them feel they are standing on
familiar turf, teenagers may fall prey and
become sexually active before they are
ready. This could result in unwanted
pregnancies. Unwanted pregnancy is the
biggest risk that adolescent girls and
even boys could face. It is a situation the
child is not equipped to handle, hence
this scenario needs to be played over
and over again, until the child
understands the precariousness of it.
Casual sex can also lead to sexually
transmitted diseases like HIV.

Suggested parents Action

Have ‘the talk’ with your kids as they may
already be learning about sexual health
and reproduction at school. Your duty as
a parent is to ensure that they
understand the importance of sex as
ordained by God, and the implications of
 10

casual sex (not safe sex, as it has

become fashionable to call it)
The hormonal changes in teenagers may
make them act impulsively. Your teenage
and adolescent child may not like it but it
is important that you talk to them about
the consequences of casual sex and how
it can destroy their future and that of their
partner in crime, and more importantly,
how it offends and disappoints God.
Awareness and abstinence are the only
safe ways to prevent early pregnancies
and sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
in adolescents.

10. Addiction to cyberspace

The advent of social media has changed
the way we interact with each other. It
has affected teenage lifestyles the most.
Your teen may seem to spend hours on
phone, texting, talking or simply playing.
Adolescents addicted to the internet tend
to have fewer friends and a less active
social life. They lead solitary lives and
are happy browsing the internet for
hours. (2)
 10

Addiction to cyberspace also cuts short

their physical activities, resulting in an
unhealthy and sedentary lifestyle.

Other side effects to addiction include:

a. Undue exposure to predators and
pedophilia;
b. self-harm ( including suicide bids);
c. vulnerability to phishing/ cyber-sex
d. online scams (yahoo-yahoo in local
parlance).
e. poor attention and focus on academic
or other works.
Internet addiction adversely impacts
academic performance.
Suggested Parents Action
Do not assume that your child is addicted
to the internet just because he or she
spends a lot of time in front of the
computer. They could be doing more
productive things on the system other
than surfing the net.
Do not say ‘no’ to the Internet. That will
only make them adamant. Instead, talk
about your concerns and help them work
on other things that do not require a
 10

computer.
You could use parental controls, but that
may not be taken well by your teen age
and adolescent child, remember that they
are not kids anymore. At the same time,
they may also not have the judgment to
make the right choices. So guide them as
a parent, but never decide for them.
Enroll them in activities that encourage
them to interact with others. Have family
activities that will make them want to
spend less time at the computer.
Furthermore;
1. Understanding and highlighting the
dangers, and guiding the family along the
path of safety and responsibility.
2. Agreeing on what norms and
regulations to be put in place to
checkmate the dangers. In consultation
with your child, you may go as far as
drawing up time table for Internet- free
periods in the family.

11. Aggression and violence

Aggression is especially a concern with
adolescent boys. Young boys start to
 10

develop muscles, grow tall and have a

coarser, manly voice. In addition to that,
they are moody and vulnerable and can
let others get under their skin.
Adolescent boys can get into fights at
school.
Worse, they could start bullying others,
which is a major problem that adolescent
boys and girls have to deal with.
Boys may fall into bad company and be
drawn to acts of violence, vandalism, and
aggression. They could be easily swayed
to own or use a firearm or a weapon too
soon.
Impulse acts of violence can lead to
serious consequences, including death.
According to the WHO report,
interpersonal violence causes around
180 adolescent deaths around the world.
Teenage girls are likely to suffer violence
or aggression by a partner.

Suggested Parental Action

Children tend to imitate what they see at
home. The following remedies for
problems of adolescence will help abate
 10

aggression, violence and related issues.

Teach your children to be kind and

considerate. Nurturing relationships at
home can help them become less
aggressive. Teach them and emphasize
respect to females.
Prevent access to firearms and alcohol
early in their life, to prevent violence.
Teach them life skills and the importance
of compassion. Lead them by being their
model.
Avoid exposing them to violent stories,
games or movies at an age when they
cannot differentiate between what is right
and wrong, and what is fact or fiction.

Challenging scenarios for the child.

When you know, you can help,
You may have been a teenager yourself.
But why is it that, once you become a
parent to a teenager or adolescent child,
you seem clueless. Think about it – your
adolescent was at an age that presented
different challenges. The times are
different, our children have more
 10

distractions than we had. Be empathetic

and try to understand what your child is
going through. Stand in their shoes, that
makes dealing with their problems
easier.
Parents, especially fathers, must not
over-react if the adolescent child goes
rebellious, or exhibit lack of motivation to
forge ahead, or show marked laziness.
These are normal and form part of
growing up process. The patience,
understanding, affection and attention
demanded from fathers in these
circumstances, provide the much needed
soothing balm which the child seriously
requires. The father's role is
multidimensional, but at a time like now,
when everything seems to be at its
lowest ebb, fathers should pay a more
than a casual attention to the spiritual
formation and activities of their families.
For too long women have carried more
than their share of the children's
spirituality, it is high time  every father
woke up to his  responsibilities as
leaders, and lead their families to God.
 10

Every parent should begin to see himself

as a prophet from God to his family.  He
must go before God first,  and ask for his
forgiveness for failing in his or her
primary duty to the children and for not
leading them to God.
Parents should ask God to assist them
with this role, ask Him to grant them
enough wisdom and patience to perform
their God-given role of parenting, which
is the bane of every society of our time.

It really does not matter where the

children are, whether within the family or
a thousand miles away, responsible
parents can still exercise sufficient
authority over their lives , and through
ardent prayers wrest them from the hand
and influence of the roaring devil of our
time.

Here is a typical true life story on

parenting, core parental responsibilities
or the lack of it are highlighted in this
story, for a detailed study, and possible
group discussion.:
 10

       
'Natasha and freedom'
Benson and Imelda had been married for
sixteen years. They are both goal-getters
and can easily be described as good
fellows. Benson is a successful finance
guru, and a business tycoon, who
engages in frequent international travels.
He relies immensely on Imelda and
trusted her capacity for organizing and
taking care of the home front at any
given time.  Imelda is an adept when it
comes to organizational ability, and runs
a chain of gift shops located at all the
busy local and international airports
around the country, under the business
name, 'Emerald Gifts'.
 The 2015 audited account of 'Emerald
Gifts' posted a profit after tax (PAT) of
N53.75 million. By the nature of her
business, she travels frequently also.
She is a great organizer, and draws out
flawless plans that ensure the children
receive adequate attention, by seeing to
it that adequately qualified hands
 10

oversee the children's academics, both

at school and at home. The home front is
well taken care of by professionally
trained domestic staff, who she
personally hired. They were like round
pegs in round holes. Her husband
admires her ingenuity and biz acumen a
great deal, and loudly acknowledges and
commends her uncanny attention to
matters of the home. By any standard,
the children did not miss any of their
parents whenever they traveled. The
children had been groomed to get on well
even without their parents' being around. 
Imelda made sure that they were well
taken care of and very much at ease with
the house staff, who were very proficient
in their duties. The ‘Lemosis’ appeared to
be a very happy family, they undertook
family vacations annually to different
exotic tour sites in different countries
each year, an opportunity for great family
bonding and moments to understand
each other.

The ‘Lemosis’ family is very wealthy and

 10

visibly comfortable, they fittingly belong

to the high and creamy echelon of the
society. Their first and only daughter,
Natasha, 14, an SS II student in a top
flight private school, located in a high
brow area of Lagos metropolis, has a13
year-old brother, Jason in a different
school. Jason is a tech Savvy child,
acutely intelligent and a freak of the
social media. He is an above average
performer at school. He exhibited the
personality traits of a melancholic even at
that tender age. Natasha, on the other
hand, was all along struggling with her
academics, and was unable to score
good marks during her Junior Secondary,
but since she got into the Senior
Secondary, She  has started to enjoy
school, the work load notwithstanding,
she liked her subjects; Besides, she was
beginning to enjoy the attention she
received from the older boys in her
debating club who helped out with her
school work.

Things seemed to be working out just

 10

fine and the whole environment was just

great. She became very conscious of her
natural beauty, and spent a great deal of
effort to enhance it. The consciousness
of her natural beauty was beginning to
take its toll on her. The debate sessions
were becoming more frequent, coupled
with practice sessions with her music
group, and performances with her dance
group, she found little time to study,
especially the more difficult subjects. She
failed, and had to repeat the school year.
Realizing that some of her friends had
gotten good grades in the JAMB exam,
and we're getting ready to enter the
universities, she began to feel sad,
because she had hoped to keep pace
with them. Having scored low marks at
the next term's examinations, the hope
for a university life with her friends began
to vaporize. She did not want to study
anymore, she would rather take one year
off school, to get herself together and
decide what next to do with her life. The
parents who were not part of this
decision, were distraught, and did not
 10

know how to motivate her to continue

with her studies. They believed it was
best for her to continue with her studies
while thinking of what to do.That way,
she would not be creating a bad example
for her younger brother. They are aware
that school work was getting increasingly
difficult for her, but she has to forge her
future.

Natasha's parents had never lacked, and

so they provided her with all she ever
asked for, and all the incentives and
social exposures which they believed she
needed, in order to grow into a well-
groomed and confident damsel. Natasha
slept out for the first time on a weekend,
she did not have to give any explanation
for this because it was not asked for it, in
fact, no one took notice. She could not
concentrate on anything she set her
hands on; as soon as she found any of
them difficult, she dumped it, she did all
these, not with the parents' knowledge.
Her physical appearance was becoming
a problem to her parents. Despite being
 10

proud of her progressive style, she was

beginning to draw unnecessary attention
to herself. The mother once observed;
"Natasha's behaviour at home has
changed greatly in the last few years,
from that of a pleasant and cheerful girl
to that of a stubborn, rude person with
set ideas of her own." 

The relationship of parents and children

in this family had always been on the
level of tolerable, the parents have
always believed that the children should
be allowed to freely choose what they
want to be. They share the view that
imposing a way of acting or ideas on
their children amounted to 'attack' on
their freedom. Imelda was confused and
did not know what to do with her
daughter, she was helpless and
sometimes cried over it, Benson was
calmer but suffered on the inside. They
have lost it; and often wondered
together, where they got it wrong.

One evening, Natasha told her parents

 10

that she was planning to get a job, in

order to be useful to herself. Three
months of job search on her own, and
finding none, she decided she would go
back to school. She continued to be an
attractive person, full of self-confidence
and accustomed to doing whatever she
felt like, because as she claimed her
parents gave her full freedom with
responsibility. She has many groups of
friends (boys & girls). And in fact, she
had started going out with one of the
boys, named "Doji", and was even
considering moving in with him. One
month afterwards, Natasha took a job at
a pizza joint. Her dressing this time
around had become very provocative
and aggressive. To cut the long story
short; her parents invited her over for a
chat, and here's what  transpired.

Benson : look here young lady, enough

of this mindless rascality. Either you
work, or you study, you must choose
one. I have the final say in this matter,
enough of this rubbish !!
 10

Natasha: I will choose what I want to do

dad.
Benson: And what is that?
Natasha: I have chosen not to do
anything until I have sorted out certain
issues.
"What issues"? Benson yelled. 

Natasha at this point was suspecting she

might be pregnant, having missed her
menstrual period by two weeks, and
needed time to confirm her status.
Conversation between Natasha and her
parents had not always been cordial, and
as she and father began to raise their
voices, Imelda, who pretends to be the
peacemaker, took up the role of  the
spokes-person for the family and tried to
cool the atmosphere, but secretly she
supported her husband's position. She
decided to bite the bullet for once, and
spoke sternly to Natasha.
Imelda: "Look here Natasha, you are
taking it too far, your father and I have
been there for you all the time. We gave
you all you ever asked for, and allowed
 10

you to go wherever you wanted, hoping

that you were responsible enough for
your actions, now see what your
behavior is turning you into. Where did
we get it wrong?
Natasha: I don't see it that way, mom.
You had never really cared, you always
had it your way, you readily said yes so
that I won't bother you. Are you around to
know what I have been going through? I
am sick and tired of many things around
here and for your information, I have
decided to move in with Doji. "Over your
dead body!" Benson threatened.
Natasha: "No dad, I suspect I am
carrying his baby", Natasha retorted
boldly. 
Benson and Imelda were broken and
downcast.
Natasha finally made good her threat,
and  moved in with Doji, Benson and
Imelda were confused. A week later,
 dumbfounded at the turn of events, they
said to themselves, "Not only had we
failed to bring up a decent respectful girl,
we have ended up with a monster that is
 10

prepared to bring shame and dishonour

to this family",

The Natasha issue had taken away so

much of  Benson and Imelda's focus and
attention on Jason, the younger brother
of Natasha, who has lately become
preoccupied  (behind his closed doors)
with weight lifting and body building
exercises, Once the father asked him,
why the sudden penchant for muscle
building exercises?, he simply replied,
"just keeping fit and healthy, dad".
Unknown to the family, he had come
across a 'lady of easy virtue', on a dating
site on the web, and in fact had started
chatting with her.  They were getting on
very well, and were getting very
emotional so soon. The lady had
demanded for Jason's nude
pictures, expressing her likeness for well
developed 'macho' features in men
generally. Jason was working hard to
impress and meet her expectations.
Unknown to the ‘Lemosis’, a bigger worry
was lurking around the family, a
 10

pedophile had invaded their home. That

too, needed urgent and decisive attention
in order to timely salvage their son from
the snares of unsuspecting pedophiles
lurking around on the Internet. It does not
require much convincing to state that, the
tough challenging situations that showed
forth in the home of Benson and Imelda,
were the results of their actions or
inactions. Now, what they did or did not 
do, or what knowledge they needed to
have had, is the subject of this book.

The Model family

Good parenting is typified by the
exemplary model parenting of the
Nazareth family of Mary and Joseph, the
human parents of Jesus. Noticeable
deviations from this model, abound
because of the weak and deformed
nature of men, who do not see their
parenting roles from the eyes of God,
who put children under their care, to
nurture, mentor, hold in trust and on loan.
Parents are mandated to be both co-
creators and principal custodians of the
 10

children given to them. Mary and Joseph

took parenting to the highest level. They
were highly successful because they
remained constantly connected and
immersed in God, from whom they drew
strength and grace to perfectly
accomplish their parental roles.  The
family of Mary, JESUS and Joseph is our
model.... "Holy family... Our model!"

Conclusion.
The fruit of a high level parenting is
achievable. We may not always have a
child that is like the holy child of the holy
family of Nazareth, who was endowed
with divinely inspired human virtues and
attributes. These are virtues we must as
parents work hard to inculcate in our
children, it is only by so doing that we
shall  accomplish our God-given roles as
earthly parents.
Admittedly, parenting endeavours at our
human level are marred by a number of
inadequacies which include;
- our human limitations to the knowledge
and understanding required to perform
 10

our roles as good and responsible

parents.
- our deformed nature, resulting in our
distorted vision and skewed values.
- limited understanding and respect for
the dynamics and intricacies of the
budding personality in a child.
- Bad temperament; the bane of
IGNOPARS.
- Social/Environmental factors beyond
our control.
Who is to blame.
We are now better equipped to bring
forward the burning question, " who is to
blame for the moral decadence of our
youth?" and we must try to proffer an
answer, and be able to drop the blame
either at the door step of the family, or
the church, or the State?". Whichever
way the blame finally lands, on the
parents who are totally liable for all that
go wrong with the upbringing of their
children, including the choice they make
regarding; who educates them, how, and
where. In addition also, parents are to
take full charge and responsibility for the
 10

human, doctrinal and spiritual formation

of their children, especially in guiding
them towards becoming
responsible citizenship for marriage. With
dedication and strong desire to succeed,
parents can surmount these
inadequacies and still achieve a high
level of success, if we seek in our
prayers, the assistance and intercession
of the holy family of Nazareth. If marriage
is lived as God willed it, our homes will
be bright and cheerful homes full of joy
and peace.

                    CHAPTER TEN

            PARENTING BLUNDER.          

   Tragic life story of the Josephs' family.

 10

The content of this chapter is a sad story

of Mr. & Mrs. Joseph, presented as a
'take-away' and an alert of what could go
on in homes that escapes the notice and
attention of parents, no matter how
scrupulous the parents might be.

I came across this piece and felt

compelled to share it unedited, for the
benefit of parents and their children, and
as learning points. Very incisive and soul
searching questions may be raised at the
end to prompt parents  to zero on those
details that make the difference.

EDWARD, ARE YOU THE ONE?”*

Episode 1:
Little did Mrs. Joseph know that the
CCTV installed in their house, which
almost caused a rift between her and her
husband would be the saving grace to
unravel the mystery behind a very
unfortunate incident that would change
the atmosphere in their home
permanently.
 10

Mrs. Joseph came back from work a few

days before the ugly incident and met
some guys from the technical department
of their church working on certain
installations. When she enquired about
what was going on her husband, Pastor
Kim Joseph told her that he brought
those brothers from their church to come
and help install a CCTV camera in their
home.

This response did not go down well with

Mrs. Joseph who felt that her darling
husband should have discussed with her
before going into such project for the
home. Agreed, they had talked over it
some months back and even brought in
some experts to survey the house and
got some other technical details, but they
later agreed that the project should be
suspended till their son Dave, returned
from NYSC.

However, Pastor Joseph explained to her

that while he was praying in the house
 10

that morning after she had gone to work

it was strongly impressed on his heart to
get that work done without further delay.
He is a full time pastor with one of the
Pentecostal churches in Lagos, South-
West, Nigeria while his wife, Dupe
Joseph was a manager in one of the
commercial banks in the same city. The
wife still could not understand the sense
of urgency in the whole thing or why he
could not wait till at least the next day so
they could talk about it once again.
Anyway, that’s that for the issue of CCTV
installation in their home.

Mrs. Joseph was still nursing the wound

from her husband’s rash decision before
tragedy struck in their home. Three days
later, while at work, at about 1 pm Mrs.
Joseph got a call from her husband to
come home immediately. The tone of his
voice did not give her any room to
question him further. Even before she
could open her mouth to ask any
question he had hung up.
She quickly put necessary things in order
 10

in the office, called her driver and headed

home not knowing what to expect. As
she approached her home, she started
having this kind of heavy heartedness,
an indication that something was wrong
somewhere. When she got to their estate
gate, the forlorn look on the faces of the
security men who opened the gate for
her car did not pass her unnoticed. Her
house was just a few blocks away from
the gate.

He arrived at her house in time just to

see the police and some paramedics
from the Estate Medical Centre putting a
body into an ambulance. At that instant,
her whole world came to a standstill. She
could not immediately make out what
was happening or whose body it was.
Before her eyes could span round the
pockets of people gathered in the
compound some women surrounded her
and held her while leading her into the
house.
On getting into the living room she met
her husband sitting on the floor wearing a
 10

pair of trousers and no shirt. That was

probably the first time any of the people
in that room had seen him that way.
Pastor Joseph’s family was one decent
and lovely family, which many residents
of that estate admired so much. They are
the kind of neighbours any person would
like to have. Their two children are so
homely and well-mannered that other
parents use them to give example to their
own children. Mrs. Joseph could still not
fathom what was happening in her home.
Pastor Joseph had just rounded off their
Wednesday Hour of Grace prayer
meeting in the church when his phone
rang at about 11.30am. It was their
nanny that called and tearfully said, “Oga
I beg come home ooo! I no know wetin
happen to Bisi ooo! (Sir please come
home. I don’t know what happened to
Bisi). She cut the line before he could
say anything further, but not until the
pastor heard some yelling and
commotion at the background. He quickly
jumped into his car with deacon Udoh
and Sister Margaret who were with him
 10

when the call came in.  Without wasting

time with further details let me tell you
what happened. The nanny said that she
came back from the market and met the
front door open, which is very unusual.
She entered into the house, went straight
to the living room and saw the only
daughter of the Josephs, Bisola stone
dead on the sofa. She ran outside the
compound in fear and alerted the
neighbours and the security men at the
estate gate. That is the summary of what
happened there.

Let us leave other events that happened

in-between and address this sad
incident:
What do you think happened to Bisola?
Who is the first suspect in this case
assuming you are assigned to investigate
this incident?

Your guess is as good as mine. But let

us see more facts as they unveil…

In the midst of the uproar and confusion,

 10

one of the police officers who came there

asked them if there was anything like
CCTV in their house. And Pastor Joseph
answered in the affirmative. He then led
the team to make the most painful
discovery of their lives so far.
From the CCTV recordings, they saw
that a male figure came into the house at
about 10.15 am and Bisola opened the
door to him. He came in and sat a while
talking with the girl before other ugly
things followed. From the moment he
came in he went straight and sat near the
girl on the 3-seater sofa she was
reclining on reading a novel. Bisola was
relaxed and smiling heartily with him all
the while. Suddenly the scene changed.
He pinned her down on the floor and
raped her. He was raping her and using
the pillow to snuff the life out of her at the
same time. When he was done the first
round he got up and moved round the
house in search of God-knows-what. 
After walking round he came back to the
motionless body of the girl and raped her
again then picked her and dropped her
 10

on the seat. He went further to bring out

a small bottle from his pocket, opened it
and tried to force some of the content
into her mouth. When it was obvious the
liquid was not going down, he went into
the kitchen and poured the content into
the kitchen sink, came back and placed
the empty bottle near the sofa where the
girl lay; he made sure he opened it and
dropped the cover on the floor. When he
was done he quietly opened the door and
left.

 Episode 2: Circumstantial evidence.

From the CCTV footage, it was not

difficult for the pastor to pick who the
killer was. Even the nanny was called in
by the police and she immediately
identified the monster. In other words, he
was well known to the family. Mrs.
Joseph was too shattered to be made to
watch any video, but I guess she too
would have been able to recognize the
assailant.
 10

The policemen encouraged the pastor to

put himself together and put a call across
to the killer and invite him to come and
help him to do something in the church.
He obliged and mustered courage and
made a call to the guy at the other end.
He was asked to put the call on speaker
so that others could follow in the
conversation. The pastor sounded as
calm as ever while the voice at the other
end was enthusiastic to hear from him.
And the brief discussion went thus:

Pastor Joseph: Hello my boy, how are

you doing today?

Voice: I am fine sir. What of mummy and

other members of the family?

Pastor: They are good; we bless God.

Voice: Ok sir.

Pastor: I don’t know, ehnn, are you so

busy this afternoon?
Voice: Not really sir. Is there something
 10

you want me to do for you?

Pastor: Good to hear that. Can you come
over to the church now to help me type
some mails?

Voice: Yes, sir. I will be there very soon.

Pastor: Oh, that’s my boy. I am expecting

you dear.
Line cuts.

The pastor entered his car while one of

the police officers drove and they went to
the church. On getting there the pastor
went into his office with one of the police
men while the rest waited in the car. In a
space of about 10 minutes a young man
walked into the premises and went
straight to the pastor’s office. You should
know what happened there and then.

By now another police vehicle had joined

them in the church. They drove back to
Milimuck Estate where the Josephs live.
Back to the house, the CCTV footage
was played for the young man the police
 10

came back with to watch. He was

instructed not say a word but to watch
quietly till the end, which he did. At the
end of the footage, the senior police
officer announced, “young man whatever
you say or do here may be used against
you in the law court. Shall we proceed to
the station please?”

Meanwhile, before they got back to the

house Mrs. Joseph had been rushed to
the hospital. The whole incident was too
much for her to contain. Her elder sister,
Dr. (Mrs.) Davies did not want to take
chances knowing fully well that Mrs.
Joseph was a known hypertension, as
well as ulcer patient. So, Dr. Davies
arranged for her to be moved to her
private clinic for close monitoring and
observation, at least for that night.

I guess you may be asking within your

mind, “who is that young man?” Don’t
worry we shall soon find out. But before
then let me tell you a little more about the
Josephs family.  Pastor and Mrs. Joseph
 10

had two children, 20 year-old David who

is currently doing his NYSC in Rivers
state, Nigeria and his 12 year-old Bisola
who was in JSS 3, in one of the private
secondary schools in Lagos state before
her gruesome murder.  As I said earlier,
the Josephs family is a very godly and
friendly family. Their 2 children are just
good and also very intelligent. You hardly
see them outside unless they are going
to the church with their parents. And they
don’t even have many friends. They have
few selected friends, mostly from their
church and a few others from their
estate.

Dave has a friend who is a member of

their church music group. Both of them
went to the same school from their
primary to secondary school. But they
separated when they were about to enter
the university. Dave did a 4-year course
in the university while his friend went in
for engineering, which was a 5-year
program. Hence, Dave graduated before
his friend and went to serve.
 10

Meanwhile, when Dave came home after

his orientation camp he discovered that
his friend had been at home for some
weeks. When he asked him what he was
doing at home he told him that there was
a practical course he was sent to do in
one of the firms in Lagos before coming
back to finish his final year. And Dave
believed him.

Dave and his friend were always together

during the holidays. That was about the
only friend he was allowed to visit from
time to time. Both families became good
friends because of the two boys. This
guy was like a second son to the
Josephs. When Pastor Joseph traveled
to the UK for a program he made sure
that he bought the same kind of wears
for his son and the friend. Everybody in
Pastor Joseph’s home loved this boy and
even treated him as one of them. If he
came to the house and wanted to eat,
even if the family had finished eating the
nanny would be asked to get him
 10

something to eat. On several occasions

he had spent not just a night but nights
and days with the Josephs. To say that
they were close may be an
understatement but let us just leave it
there.

It was barely 5 days after Dave went

back to his place of service that his only
sister, Bisola was gruesomely murdered.
Bisola was at home that fateful day
because their school was on mid-term
break. Her mum went to work while her
dad went for a program in the church.
The nanny had gone to Mile 12 market to
buy some food items that morning.  I
guess you are beginning to pick the
pieces together as to unravel who killed
Bisola. But before we finally name the
dog, I want to ask you some questions.

Basic facts that parents should know.

· What do you know about your child’s
best friend?
· Do you know that even the most trusted
friend can be used by the devil to give
 10

your family a deadly blow?

· Are you sure the people you call your
family friends share the same values with
your own family?
. Are you sure they teach their own
children same things you teach yours?
What of their religious beliefs and
practices, because I have come to
understand that some families believe
one thing and practice another?
· When you are talking to your children
and educating them on the issues of life,
do you make it a point of duty to include
their friends in the teachings?
· When was the last time you checked
the call log and chats/messages on your
child’s phone?
· Have you ever thought of organizing an
in-house training/discussion on basic life
issues like sexuality, friendship,
academic excellence, values & morals
and the likes for your children and their
friends?
. Even if you cannot handle it by yourself
you can get some people who are good
in such areas to help you.
 10

· Do you agree with me that your own

children are not safe until every other
child out there is safe?
· Do you, from time to time, find out the
state of the relationship between your
children and their close friends?
· Apart from your children, who are the
other friends kept by their close friends?
This is because the friend of our friend is
also our friend.
· Do you know that the fact that you are a
child of God does not make your family
totally immune to some of the pains other
families are passing through?
· Do you know that you may be sincerely
wrong to trust some unproven friends?
· Is there any reason under heaven why
you should allow your daughter to be
very close and relaxed with a young man
without any measure of fear or
suspicion?
· Are you aware that sexual hormones do
not know who is a sibling or a friend?
· Do you know that at times boys can use
their association with your son to get at
your girls and vice versa?
 10

· Am I wrong to say that none of my

children should entertain their friends
inside their room? Every friend must stay
and be entertained in the living room,
irrespective of who they are.
· Am I also wrong to say that I do not
allow their friends to sleep-over in my
home unless I am fully persuaded about
who I am relating with, down to knowing
the family and their value system?
· Who are your own friends?
· What is the testimony of people in your
area about your family?

Please address the following throwing

number of questions seriously, to reveal
how prepared or deficient you are for the
challenges of child upbringing in today's
environment. By the way, I still have
other questions to pose at the end of the
story, let us for now, concentrate on
looking for Bisola’s murderer.

At the police station, the police quizzed

the young man they picked from Pastor
Joseph’s house.
 10

Officer: What is your name?

Young man: (in a muffled voice) Edward
Officer: Edward who?
Young man: Edward Megida.
Officer: Edward, did you recognize the
man in the CCTV footage you watched
before we left Pastor Joseph’s house?
Edward: Ye-ye-yes sir.
Officer: Who was that?
Edward (stammering the more) I – I – I
am the one. But sir it was the devil’s work
(crying now).
Officer: (mockingly) you wrote an
application letter to the devil and he
employed you without pay but we are
going to pay you here. This will be a
good lesson other devil’s employees like
you. Now tell me, why did you kill that
innocent girl?
Edward: Sir I I, it was the devil.
Another officer: (kicking him from behind)
come on speak out before I destroy you
now! criminal like you!
Officer: My guy stop this your crocodile
tears and just tell us everything you know
 10

about the death of that girl. And you

better talk now before our oga comes
here ooo! If you cooperate with us we
may even do something for you before or
when he comes.
Edward: Sir I didn’t want to kill her but I
was afraid that she might tell her family
what I did to her.
Officer: What did you do to her?
Edward: I I raped her.
Officer: (sounding amused) are you sure
we will not collect that your dick from you
so that it will not land you into trouble
again? By the way, how did you gain
entrance into the house? Was the door
not locked?
Edward: Bisola opened the door for me
but the gate was open when I came.
Officer: Why did she open the door for
you? What did you use to threaten her?
Edward: I did not threaten her at all. She
just opened the door for me?
Officer: Why?

Edward still has a lot of revelations and

confessions to make, he may even have
 10

some accomplice(s) within or outside the

Josephs family. Let’s cap it up tomorrow
with those revelations. I am still your
friend.

 Episode 3:

Edward: She knows me very well and I

have been going to their house.

Officer: What do you normally go there to

do?

Edward: Her elder brother, David is my

best friend?

Another officer: (hit him on the head) you

are a very wicked boy! You raped and
killed the only sister of your best friend.
You are not supposed to be alive by now.

Officer: Why did you do that, a fine young

man like you? Did you want her to be
your girl-friend and she refused?

Edward: Sir I don’t know what came over

 10

me.

Officer: When was the last time you went

to their house?

Edward: About six days ago, just before

David went back to Rivers State where
he is serving.

Officer: What happened that day, which

warranted you going back to kill that girl?

Edward: Sir nothing unusual happened.

All of us were just gisting and playing
games in David’s room as we used to do
before.

Officer: Who were the other people?

Edward: I mean three of us – David,

Bisola and I.

Officer: So what happened?

Edward: Nothing sir. It is just that I

became attracted to her. That day she
 10

was wearing one black bum shots like

that, which was quite revealing of her
very fair skin on her laps. And as we
were playing she bent over my body to
collect her phone from David and her
chest rested on my own. At that moment
I didn’t know what happened to me again
and I started imagining some weird
things.

Officer: So?

Edward: I quickly got up and told them that I

was going and I left.
Officer: And?

Edward: When I got home I could not get

her off my mind and I desired to have her
by all means.

Officer: Continue.

Edward: That was just that. When my

parents went to work in the morning I told
my siblings that I wanted to pick some
things from the mall and left the house. I
went to their house straight.
 10

Officer: How did you know she was alone

in the house by that time?

Edward: I called her and told her that I

just wanted to know how she was doing
and if she was missing

Dave. It was then she told me that she

was alone and would not mind if I paid
her a visit.

Officer: So you accepted the invitation

and went and killed her?

Edward: I didn’t mean to. I only wanted to

have fun with her. But she just died when
I was still on that.

Officer: (getting angry with him for the

first time or so it appears) will you shut
up your mouth you lying beast! She died
while you were making love to her
meanwhile the footage showed you
suffocating her with a pillow. You even
came around to have a second round
 10

with her lifeless body. And that reminds

me, what was that liquid you tried to
force down her throat?

Edward: (obviously terrified) sir…sir, it…it

was Sniper. But I just took a small
quantity from the one in our house.

Officer: You said you did not want to kill

her, why then did you go there with
Sniper?

Edward: I…I…I don’t..

A slap from the other officer behind him

could not let him complete the statement
on his lips.

Officer: Now tell me, how many other

girls have you done this to because you
seem to be a master in the art?

Edward: Sir, this is just the first time I

wa...

Another slap and a shove from the other

 10

officer brought him down to the floor with

a heavy thud. This made him to cry out in
pain. He was however mercilessly forced
to stand on his feet again.

Officer: I am giving you the last chance

before something sinister happens to
you. Tell me how long you have been in
this business and who your accomplices
are. By the way, why are you not in
school since they said you are a final
year student of Victory Crest University?

Edward: (shaking like a leaf with blood

dripping from one of his nostrils) Sir, I
was sent out of school about 2 months
ago because I got involved in a cult
activity. But my parents are still trying to
see if they can work their way into getting
me back to the school. That is why no
one knows about it yet. It was other
members of the cult I joined in the school
that introduced me into gang-raping of
girls. They also taught me that the best
way to avoid being caught is to eliminate
the victim after using her. I don’t know
 10

the number of girls I have raped from my

second year in the university when I
joined the cult but this is the second one
to die in my hands.

Officer: Who and where was the first

victim?

Edward: She was a girl in my department

in the school and it happened during one
of our gang activities in the school. We
raided the girls’ hostel and her room
happened to be one of the rooms
assigned to me to raid. We were meant
to raid the girls’ rooms and collect their
hand sets and other valuables. But when
I got to their room her room mates were
not there so I decided to rape her. While
raping her she called out my name so I
decided to kill her to cover my tracks.

Officer: Mhnn, oh boy you have gone far

ooo. Listen to your language; you
decided to kill her *to cover your tracks.*
How did you do that? Well, I don’t think
that is necessary now. Are your parents
 10

aware of all these?

Edward: They got to know when they

were invited to the school because of the
last incident that involved the daughter of
the deans of students’ affairs.

Officer: How old are you?

Edward: I will be 20 years in December.

At this juncture those who went to the

clinic to bring Mrs. Joseph and their
nanny for some interrogations came in
with them. Of course they had told her to
console herself with the fact that her
daughter’s murderer has been caught
and was already in police custody.
Hence, Mrs. Joseph entered the
interrogation room with the utmost
curiosity to know who she offended so
much that decided to take smiles from
her face for the rest of her life.

And to think of it, that fateful day the T-

shirt Edward was wearing was the same
 10

one Mrs. Joseph bought for him and his

son, David when she took them to the
trade fair complex about a year ago. She
was not prepared for what she saw when
she entered into the police interrogation
office.

On seeing Edward in that dimly lit police

interrogation room, every atom of
strength that remained in Mrs. Joseph
left her. Just before she collapsed on the
floor, she managed to say in a trembling
voice, “EDWARD, ARE YOU THE
ONE?”*

These are the facts we have been able to

pick from the story:

Summary of facts from the story:

· Edward, David Jospeh’s best friend
killed Bisola, the only sister David had.
· Edward killed Bisola right inside her
parents’ house, where he had always
spent good times with the family before
that fateful date.
Bisola trusted Edward so much and as
 10

such did not hesitate to throw their door

wide open for him despite the fact that
she was alone in the house.

Often overlooked critical facts.

90% of pedophiles and other child sexual
molesters are people known to the child.
· Neither David nor his family knew that
his best friend was a cultist and serial
rapist.
· They also did not know that he was
already rusticated from the campus and
could not conclude his final year.
· Edward was filled with lustful desires to
waste Bisola from the day she
unconsciously exposed her thighs and
chest in a very unbecoming manner
before him. Another reason why we
should ensure that our daughters dress
decently even at home, especially when
there are male visitors in the house.
This is the end of the story. Thanks for
reading.

Self-Examination and Introspection.

* Draw your own conclusions as a parent
 10

and as a family, and discuss the

culpability or negligence if any, of the
'Josephs' and the 'Megidas'.

* How contributory negligent is Bisola or

the housemaid ?

*How would you assess the

complacence of David in the
circumstances that surround Bisola's
death. 

* Can you sufficiently absolve the

Megidas from blames.

* Can you sufficiently link Edwards

disposition and antecedents, to failed
parenting ?

* What could have been done differently

by any of the parents, in the whole story,
to avoid the resultant calamity?

* Does a rich family background translate

to responsible parenting? What kind of
parenting did Bisola receive before her
 10

demise. In your opinion, was it adequate

enough to give a different outcome?

* What parenting mistakes are common

amongst parents that are not consistent
with quality and responsible parenting?

* Given the principal characters as,

- Mr. & Mrs. Joseph,
- the Megidas, 
- Bisola,
- David,
- Edward, and
- Joseph's housemaid;
try to apportion blames and assess each
character's culpability in this sad event.

* How do you intend to use the lessons

learnt from this episode, to fine-tune your
strategy for the safety of your children,
both at home and at school.?
 10

        CHAPTER ELEVEN

AMAZING REGRETS:

The family and child upbringing

Community and family In time past,  as
recent as when i was growing up, child
upbringing was a shared and communal
responsibility. Within a given community,
every of its members, showed enough
care and interest, and qualified as a
stake holder in the affairs of any child
within the community, especially as it
related to his upbringing. Discipline and
chastisement, was for whoever saw what
was commonly adjudged as wrong.  It
was not the exclusive prerogative of the
parents of the errant child. It will be a
matter of serious research to establish
how this highly cherished communal
responsibility was completely abandoned
for the immediate family of the child, and
then, much later, to the parents of the
 10

child alone. A lot of conspiracy theories

could attempt to give acceptable
explanation to this, but whatever be the
reason, imported culture from the west,
will forever be fingered, as the most
contributory factor.
The traditional family in this context is
large; it is a communion of persons,
united in true and genuine love. It has its
share of the characteristic problems that
affect the larger society. It is not
insulated from squabbles, serious
disagreements and other forms of
challenges which we are familiar with
today. But still. the traditional family
fosters the best environment for a child's
development into full and complete
person. The family offers the most ideal
and congenial environment for acquiring
that openness of heart and mind that is
made possible by the experiences
offered by moments of joy, sadness and
sufferings within the family. It is in the
family for instance, that a person
expresses the capacity to love and be
loved on the basis of who he or she is,
 10

and not for what he or she has, thus

fulfilling the real object of family , which is
love, joy, education and support.
Bringing up a child in an African
traditional setting, is a shared
responsibility of the extended family and
kinsmen. The discipline of the child is not
the exclusive prerogative of the biological
parents. A child remains conscious of the
many watchful eyes of the many stake
holders, who have the right to get
involved in the child's well-being and
conduct.
It is easily admissible that work is very
important, especially when remunerated;
but no less important is that work which
is not remunerated with money, but
instead, with the fruits  of good moral
education for one's children. This
important "education mission" demands
the active and physical presence of
parents and the collaboration of the
family and the community.  The mission
was aimed at positioning the children for
a future life of self-sacrifice, imbued with
survival instincts, and a fighting spirit that
 10

would surmount difficulties and

obstacles. To accomplish this mission, 
some basic but crucial values must be
inculcated, in the children, and these
would require that;
* parents, family and community must
aim at forming individuals who are not
closed in on themselves, but open to 
nature and God.
* individuals who are capable of
contemplating, marveling at creation, and
of discovering the mysteries of life and
the history which God is building within
them.
* Individuals who are free spirits who
realize that all men are children of God
and therefore brothers and sisters.
* individuals who are creative, and
capable of being social transformers
within their environment.
* children who are respectful and who
grow to be useful members of their
community.
* Children, who, when they are very
young, realize that there are needs their
community would expect them to fulfil.
 10

The Missing Link:Expanded roles for

the family in child upbringing?

* Being your brother's keeper. The

African traditional community was
resplendent with practices of being your
brother's keeper, and showing great
interest and care in the affairs of a
kinsman to redress or address an
untoward occurrence in his family. This
measure of kindness and true show of
love is no longer noticeable in our
communities. It is now fashionable to
have families build both physical and
psychological walls around themselves
and immediate family members, and to
show no concern or involvement in
happenings outside their own.  It has
become a case of " if I am not directly
affected, I am okay." We must resolve to
work towards being our brothers keepers
as it used to be in the past.
Permit me to buttress the act of 'watching
your brothers' back with this short
illustration: Mr. Ejike, a tea-totaller,
 10

followed his friend to a notorious hotel

downtown. He needed to wrap up a
business deal with one of them. As usual
they settled down in one quiet corner
with subdued lighting. To his surprise a
man in his Middle Ages walked in
clutching a young damsel in a very
compromising manner. It soon became
clear their mission was sinister, and this
young girl was Mr. Ejike's kinsman's 16
years old daughter, Imene. Mr. Ejike's
became uncomfortable, fidgeting
restlessly, and could no longer contain
himself, so much that the other persons
with him noticed his discomfiture. "
what's the matter "ED" as they fondly call
him. "Nothing, I'm very fine," he replied.
About two hours after the incident, young
Miss Imene was done with her man, and
they both went out. Imene did not take
notice of anybody or anything unusual.
As soon as Mr. Ejike got back home, he
went straight to the family of Imene and
enquired from her parents the where-
about of their daughter, Imene. He did
not waste any time before he narrated
 10

his experience and demanded that they

look seriously into the matter and to call
Imene to order. He said they could invite
him over, if Imene decided to continue
playing the angel. As he walked away he
soliloquized "may our efforts not be in
vain. May strangers not eat the fruits
of our labour; ehe, Imene of yesterday. It
won't happen before me".
This expressive show of genuine love is
difficult to come by in our communities,
these days. People would rather mind
their business and not involve
themselves to help, support or even
show solidarity.

* Respect and the protection of the girl

hold.
The training of the boy child should be
biased towards making him freely
disposed to render support and
assistance to the girl child. If this habit is
appropriately inculcated, the boy child
will to a large extent grow to hold his
sister and every other girl in high regard.
Parents are to organize small get-
 10

together sessions amongst the children,

within the family and present stories that
highlight contemporary cases of crime,
and get them to discuss it, and suggest
how such crimes could be avoided or
eliminated. The lessons of respect
imbibed from such sessions, would
invariably be reflected in their future
dealings with the girl child. This could be
a major contribution of parents to shore
up the respect and protection for the girl
child., thus bring about a reduction of
cases of rape and incest and other forms
of harassments meted out to the girl
child, which are manifestations of total
disrespect and disregards for them. 
There is therefore, a compelling need to
sensitize our collective sentiments once
again to accept the orientation that
advocates a more enduring respect for
the girl child and invariable the female of
population at all levels of social strata.
Every attention should be given to the
training of the boy child should be so
skewed as to drive home the importance
of respect for the girl child. Their parents
 10

should emphasize within their respective

homes that a girl child is expected to
fittingly complement the menfolk, not to
be subservient to them, but as supportive
partners in a venture.
Existing primordial sentiments on gender
related realities, notwithstanding, the girl
child and the female species should be
rightly seen and treated as a fragile,
deserving our collective protection,
respect, encouragement and
empowerment.  We must constantly bear
in mind the pivotal role played by the
womenfolk, in areas of child bearing and
upbringing, in economics, business,
governance and home-keeping, are
consequential enough to compel society
to take a sympathetic view, and come up
with more sensitive gender friendly
policies, for the girl child. After all, they to
sustain a viable steady stream of
responsible adult female population. It
therefore sounds illogical to exclude or
ignore more than half of the population of
a society in its pursuit of a stable social
system that aims at achieving social,
 10

economic and political development of its

people

* Positive Media hype: partnering and

using the media effectively,
Parents should try to partner the social
media and make them responsible
enough to play down what appears to be
hyping and glamourizing the serious
misdemeanours of the youth. They are
not reported as condemnable or grossly
unacceptable conducts, and not see the
stories as strong selling points for their
publications. The media should be more
circumspect in their reportage, and be
more concerned in showing concern for
the well-being of the society they operate
in, and make conscious efforts to
educate and promote acts and conducts
that are decent and acceptable, by
engaging in positively constructed
orientation campaigns.
* Influencing the School curriculum.
The curriculum on Moral education in
schools needs to be revisited and 
revised, in order to raise the moral tone
 10

of the society, which is regrettably

muffled by the craze of modernity. The
harmful effects of peer pressure which
manifest in weird or indecent fashion
sense, and other serious misdemeanours
like cultism, gang raping,
promiscuity, can be seriously addressed
and remedied by conscious efforts of
organized parents pressure groups
(OPPG). The sorry state of affairs
persists because the media, the schools
and the society are not living up to their
responsibilities to contribute meaningfully
to the training of the children. The onus
rests on the parents alone, not even on
the entire family. The parents are
overwhelmed by living challenges in the
face of many social pressures and will
therefore need the support of all.

Critical parenting issues for

discerning parents.

A friend on my chat group, was privy to

my effort to put this work together this
work on 'parenting', and sent to me a
 10

post via WhatsApp believing it would be

useful. Rightly so, I considered it fitting to
be included in the twilight paragraphs of
this book..

a. Siblings' rivalry
Siblings' rivalry is as old as the first pair
of siblings-Cain and Abel and the
successor classical twins, Esau and
Jacob, in the Bible. It has also left in its
wake macabre bitterness that consumed
innocent in-coming generation.
In the first pair, no mention is made of
the role of their parents in their
murderous crisis. There is no indication
also that their parents did a yeoman's job
of parenting. But Isaac and Rebecca
(Esau and Jacob's parents) were a
worthy example of what parents must
never be, to their children. Playing
favourites, amongst your children had
remained a highly flammable liquid in
parenting. Isaac and Jacob were guilty of
it, it was their favourite pastime it
seemed.
 10

Parents have continued to be the remote

and immediate cause of crisis amongst
their children without knowing it.
Contemporary history points us to the
German  founders of *Adidas and
Puma*- two brothers who bitterly fought
themselves till their last breath. The
establishment of Puma was the by-
product of that crisis.
US millionaires *Prestley and Curtis
Blake* of Friendly's Ice cream and British
politicians, *David and Ed Miliband*.
Don't miss it. Making siblings become
like peas in a pod is one of the
fundamental duties of parents. It is an
error with dark consequences to think
that children will love themselves on the
strength of biology consideration- they
came forth from same mother. Wrong!
You have to work it out, for them.
*Les Csorba, lawyer, former Bush White
House Advisor and theologian insists that
*"parenting is the single most demanding
leadership job on the planet"*. Nothing
could be truer.
Parents are everything to their children.
 10

Provider (of almost all things) Spiritual

leader/mentor and last but not the least,
judge.
Parents must therefore take the following
recommended  practical steps to avoid
unhealthy rivalry amongst their children
as they are being raised.

- All your children are different but equal.

The reticent isn't better than the
vivacious or vice versa just by reason of
those attributes.  Show/harbour  no
preference but  celebrate their
differences.
- Teach (re-enforce) your children to
show mutual respect for one another.
For instance, let them cultivate the fine
art of exchanging  greetings when and
where necessary.
- Do your children say 'good morning' to
one another? Do they say "please" when
making a request, "Thank you" for
favours, etc. Perfect courtesy amongst
them must be elevated to  culture.
- Outlaw( if it sounds like criminalize then
I achieved my goal) the use of strong and
 10

abusive language and behaviour. "Are

you stupid?" For example, is not a
question but a clear insult. Its use  should
attract  penalty  when deployed
repeatedly by any child especially after 
series of warnings.
- Misunderstandings (use loosely) are not
abnormal. Teach them to disagree
without being disagreeable. I needn't
remind you that when two persons
*always* agree on everything, one of
them is unnecessary! Teach them to
politely report grievances to you. No child
should be encouraged to redress his own
perceived wrong.
- As parents your sense of judgement
and arbitration must be impartially
sublime. Never excuse the aggressor
child (some say second children are
troublesome by default, the jury is out)
for any reason.
Be that as it may, the 'culprit' should
have his/her time/day in your court- Bring
your judgement/position/verdict to the
attention of all the children. Justice must
be seen to have been done. Your
 10

judgement should be predictable always.

The child who showed disrespect to his
or her elder sibling should accurately
forecast  your judgement when the
aggrieved child approaches you.
- Give quality time to share *Life's Great
Lessons* with ALL your  children. The
intention  is to make the house 
philosophy being transmitted, uniformly.
- Never ever, I say it again, Never ever
allow a whiff of the odour of preferential
treatment in your house. It's nitrogen to
the system.
- Teach them what Cain wasn't taught.
*They must remain one another's
keepers*. For instance if they attend
same school, don't allow the response to
the question, "where is your
brother/sister?" be
"i don't know". It's the contemporary
variant of Cain's  "Am I my brother's
keeper?"
It's a rendition of palpable 
irresponsibility. Don't condone it.
-  *Don't ever*  compare your children or
their 'achievements', not to their face at
 10

least. It breeds unhealthy competition.

They are complimentary to one another 
not competitors.
- *Above all get down on bended knees,
raise your head and hands up to God for
each of them every day,* raising your
concerns and cares.

                CHAPTER TWELVE

               CHILD MOLESTATION

Protecting the girl child.

Training the boy child, to improve respect
and protection the girl child.
Child Molestation is sometimes known as
child sexual abuse. It is a secret crime
involving a range of indecent sexual
activities between an adult and a child.
The boy child as well as the girl child are
both targets for this crime, but the girl
child appears to be more endangered.
According to the National Violence
 10

Against Children Survey, it established

that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 10 boys
experience sexual violence before the
age of 18 in one way or the other.

Types of sexual violence.

-Defilement
-Rape
-Fingering
-Making a child watch pornography
-Exposing the genital to kids
-Indecent touching
-Fondling etc.

Studies show that over 95% of sexually

abused children are abused by persons
known or close to the child or the child's
family.  They are right there in your
house, co-tenants, family members,
lesson teachers, neighbours. Their
friends in school, hostel, classmates,
class/school teachers, cousins, uncles,
nephew, niece, fathers, step-fathers,
grand-fathers, imams, choir masters,
pastors, confidants, security guard,
maids, family or school drivers, After
 10

school teachers, mummy's friend,

daddy's friend, caregivers, strangers........
the list can go on. These are possible
sources of threat, going by reported
cases.
It will be very naïve and risky to
discountenance any of these sources of
threats, they are all genuine sources of
abuse going by experiences elsewhere.  
The parents should always be mindful of
the following common lapses and
situations which present fertile grounds
for child abuse:
- parents' absenteeism
- parents not observing keenly what
happens around their children.
- kids not being well informed (ignorant of
the facts of life)....
- What your kids watch regularly
unguided
- Indecent dressing by your children.

Special case for the boy child. 

More often than not, more attention is
paid to the girls than the boys.
With my years of experience, boys are
 10

are also veritable victims for anal sex but

because we do not pay attention, it
appears nothing is going wrong.
For them, healing is a terrible process.

Parents' negligence, carelessness, non-

challant attitude.
In matters of child abuse, no one can be
trusted.
There is presently a case of a child of 14
carrying a baby that belongs to her
father.  Child molestation is real, it is
painful, and more so, if it happens under
your very nose.
Please bond more with your Children, we
want to receive them back from school
happier and better than they left home.
Above all, pray for them and their safety
always both inside and outside the home.
Let all parents remain prayerfully hopeful
that the child molesters will not go near
them but parents must play their part.

Sexual abuse can take place in any of

the following ways or places;
- Right under your nose, under your roof
 10

- In the school environment- classroom,

toilet etc
- Hostel
- Parties
- In their sibling's room
- Deserted/Abandoned places
- When you are distracted
 Perpetrators look for-opportunities.
 5 mins is enough to cause a life-long
damage.

How pedophiles get their victims.

- Grooming, nurturing friendship for a
long time
- Baits ( both physical and emotional )
- Gifts/presents
- Financial bait
- Familiarity & Respect
- friendship. to establish an emotional
connection with a child, and sometimes
the family, to lower the child's inhibitions
with the objective of sexual abuse.
- Gaining the trust of a minor with the
intention of having sex relationship with
them.
 10

How to identify a potential abuser

- the abuser will always try to be around
your child or vice versa
-  The child feels uncomfortable when
he/she sights the abuser or when the
abuser is around.
-  Easily and conveniently accept to care
for your child while you are away.
-  Can be hard on the child especially if
the child is rejecting his moves.
If any of the above is observed, please,
be alerted. Your child might feel
uncomfortable, rejecting to go to the
person when you send him or her,  or
suggest going to him or her on holiday.
Sexual abuse happens among siblings,
set strict rules, boys and girls must sleep
in different rooms. If not applicable,
separate their beds.  There had been a
case of twins having sex with each other.
When they were asked, they said: we
see mum and dad do same. Why should
parents be that careless?
Because of the carelessness of both
parents, their innocent minds were
polluted and their lives were destroyed.
 10

Perpetrator's familiar threats to stop the

abused child from speaking out. These
are familiar threats of perpetrators:
•I will kill u
•You will die
•Your mummy will hate you
•Your mummy will kill you
•Your mummy will blame you.
•Your mummy and your daddy will die.
•I can cut you to pieces and lick your blood
saying 'this is a blood covenant between us,
the day you tell anyone, is the day you'll die.

The child must be made to understand

that the threats are nothing but to stop
them from exposing the abuser. It must
be impressed on the child, that the right
thing to do in the face of any threat is to
adopt the SRR defence strategy.

S - Shout/Scream
R - Run
R - Report
 10

Watch out for tell-tale signs to identify an

abused child. These include; 

- Isolation.
- Aggressiveness.
- Anxiety/Fear.
- Difficulty in walking.
- Sudden drop in academic performance.
- Poor social interaction.
and so on.
- Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

Any noticeable change in the normal

habits of the child, like sleeping, eating,
must be thoroughly investigated, leaving
nothing to chance.

Simple actions to reduce occurrence.

 teach the children that their dressing
and turn-out are important, dress not to
attract but to cover properly. Teach them
privacy, they must  be taught to knock
and seek permission before they enter
any room including those of their siblings.
It is wrong to have them bathe together,
irrespective of sex.
 10

Children don't often lie about abuse. If

your child tells you someone is trying to
mess with him or her.... Please believe
the child, take it very seriously and
respond very timely and appropriately.

Effects of sexual abuse on the child.

- The abused child could become a serial
abuser
- Depression
- Suicidal thoughts
- Stigma
- Guilt
- Lifelong psychological trauma
- Aggression
- Withdrawal
- Infection with STDs

Watching over your child. 

Something might just be happening and
you don't perceive it. Do not be a hard
mum or dad. Strike a balance between
discipline and love.
Give your children Sex Education at the
appropriate age. A child of age 4 or even
 10

less is due for a limited Sex Education of

some sort. Let them know at least, the
difference between a boy and a girl.
Tell them what nobody must do with their
body.
Tell them to speak out and report any
inappropriate touch by anybody. Teach
them extensively what constitutes
inappropriate touch. Every touch must be
reported
In the house, everyone must respect one
another's privacy.

Teaching boys to respect the girls.

Groom the boy child to respect the girl-
child at all times and in all circumstances.
Use every opportunity to groom the boys
to be gentle and respectful to the girls.
Here is a scenario that explains one way
of doing this;

Madam Babara and her sons’ outing.

Madam, Bagara once said to her son "dress

up properly son, coz we are going out."
The son asks, "should I tell my sisters to
 10

dress up too and Mom says  "no - We are

going out on a date! Just two of us!" 
His emotions were mixed I guess. The
excitement of going out for a meal and the
embarrassment of being seen with mum at
15.  "Won't I be seen as mum's boy?" He
thought to himself.
Going out with mum of course also meant
dressing properly, no sagging trousers,
proper shoes, proper hair, and smelling
good etc.
It was shortly after Valentine's, day. and
Mum had just seen some stories regarding a
domestic violence and abuse by some men
on their women. She had realized that a lot
of effort goes to training girls to be good
wives, on how they should act in order to
show enough respect to their husbands, but
little or none whatsoever, on how the boys
should respect and protect girls and their
wives when they eventually marry. So she
decided to find a good opportunity to talk
to her son about treating girls and ladies
with some respect.

Before getting into the car, mum stood by

 10

the door and asked his son to open the door

for her.
"Why?" he asked. The discussion went on
like this:

Mum:  "Because it is what a gentleman

would do". Don't you see that your father
opens doors for me when we go out?" 

After some eye rolling, he comes and opens

the door for mum and then goes to his seat.
Mum drives her son to a restaurant and
when they got there, he  opens the door, and
heads off. Mum honks and motions for him
to come to her side.
Mum: "open the door for me"
More eyes rolling. He opens the door for
mum while staring into space.

Mum:   "Please take my arm and help

me out of the car". He looks at mum as if
he means to say to her, "you are out of
your mind, but, he obliges and grabs her
hand with a sigh.

Mum:  "When you open the door for me,

 10

you have to watch that I do not miss my

step". "Do you understand why you must
pay attention?" He nods

Mum:  "Will you hold my handbag and

hold my arm as we walk?"

There, She got a categorical "No".

Mum decided not to push it.

When they got to the restaurant, he walks

to his table and sits.

Mum clears her throat.

Son:   "What now?" He asks looking

exasperated.

Mum:  "Please pull out my chair"

More rolling of eyes. He gets up, pulls out

mum's chair and then adjusts it for her, at
her insistence.
 10

His meal arrives before mum's and

immediately he digs in even forgetting to
say Grace before meal,
Mum:   "No sir, you can't wolf down your
food. You have to wait for mine to get
here so we eat together.  You have not
even said the grace before meals." More
frustration! but hey..."you are with mum".

They talked, they really talked and the talk

centered around the trending news about
some men who abused their women.
Mum:  You see, as a man it is your duty
to treat women rightly and with respect,
and as a boy , to look after your sisters,
protect them, and treat them right, in the
same way you'll protect any woman you
will marry in future."....... and the
conversation continued.

The thrust of this episode:

You see, every day we "educate" the girl
child. We teach them how to talk, walk,
how to avoid being victims, even send
them to finishing schools, but we never
teach the boys how not to be
 10

perpetrators of such crimes as child

abuse.

It is about time that we as parents started

educating our boys on what it means to
be a man and possibly a future father.
It is time we started talking to them and
understanding their frustrations rather
than leaving them to take it out on
defenseless females.

after all, the men who rape are our

children.
The men who harass are our children.
The men who beat up women are our
children.  The adult population may have
failed but we as parents have a chance
to save the next generation.

1
 10

Need for shift paradigm.

There are some misguided practices and
notions that underlie parents’ failure to
get the needed results for their efforts. To
help parents examine themselves and
measure their efforts against good
parenting models, and best practices, a
few soul-searching questions will be
posed, sincere answers will be needed to
straighten a few grey areas and help in
deep self-examination that could help
parents to perform their roles properly
and efficiently.
1. How many times have you as a
parent, sat your boy-child down to
talk about such things as;
2. how to be a good husband,
the place of a woman in creation
and in society,
and the need to grow to respect
womanhood?
3. How have you as a parent, called
your girl-child’s attention;
- to address the vexed and mistaken
concept of feminism?
 10

- Feminism should be understood to

mean a push to promote respect
for the dignity of womanhood, It is
not meant to split hair and
dissipating energy in promoting
extreme feminism, which is
characterized
- by clamour for equality and identity
of sexes in everything. There is no
need for the erroneous and
needless arguments for supremacy
of sexes being advanced by either
the male folks or by the female
folks, who are pushing the
arguments to the frontiers of
radicalism. The innate qualities
and competences of the woman
cannot be in doubt, but the free
expression of ‘radical feminism’
that says no to chivalry and rejects
man’s special position in the
scheme of things, cannot be
tenable. Advocacies that promote
woman health and productive
rights, to mean and include
deliberate contraception, and free
 10

choice of abortion on demand, are

morally indefensible. A woman’s
right over her body, should be
meaningfully interpreted and
resolved in accordance with t the
moral laws and not on the altar of
relativism and misguided freedom.
The girl-child should be taught,
mentored and prepared for
responsibilities that fulfil and define
who or what she is ordained to be.
4. Do you parent your child in such
way as to help him or her realize
and follow his or her vocation be it
marriage or any other of his or her
choice?
5. Uncommon mistakes by some
parents
- Trying or considering to suggest or
assist your child to procure
abortion, either secretly or openly,
because you believe her future is
threatened, you may be thinking
that you are having your girl’s back,
she will grow to distrust, disregard
and even hate you. You are not an
 10

ideal parent with high moral

discipline.
- Parents pushing their wards or
children into marriages they
consider ‘favourable’ (or financially
rewarding) based on some
spurious considerations, and
calculations, other than those of
the child’s best enduring interests.

- Tacit support for a child who is

bringing in money but engaging in
disgraceful or criminal conducts.

- Parents, playing shy or timid to

discuss or teach the child, the facts
of life, believing that they are on
top of the situation, and that the
child will come out right.

- Showing bad examples either in

dressing, words or conducts.
Action, it is said, speaks louder
than words. Children learn more
by copying than by heeding to rules
and instructions.
 10

- Quarrelling before the children,

worse still, expressing any form of
violence. Boys who their parents
fight often, always grow up thinking
that it is a mark of chauvinism and
authority to assault their girl-
friends, women or wives as the
case may be. Teach them that
beating up a wife is a mark of
weakness and immaturity, in any
civilized society.

- Telling lies to the child, who will

eventually get to know the truth,
destroys trust and confidence your
child has for you.

- Poor moral showing in matters of

conscience, and relationships,
provides the child with a blue print
of behavior.
10
10